Should marriages always be 50-50? | Hush Podcast ft. Vernon A. and Jayne Tham
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- čas přidán 4. 09. 2023
- "You do your part, and I'll do my part" is a notion that reflects the idea that both partners have their respective responsibilities, contributions, and roles within the relationship, and these should be shared equally for a balanced partnership-a 50-50 marriage. But does this really constitute fairness or will this lead to disappointment?
Married couple Vernon and Jayne join us in this episode to share their thoughts on the matter and help us answer the question: Is marriage truly a 50-50 endeavour?
Featuring:
Hazelle - / heyhihazelle
Germaine - / germaineleonora
Azura - / azuragoh
About Hush Podcast:
At Hush, hosts & Radio DJs Germaine Tan, Hazelle Teo and Azura Goh, discuss relationships, health and wellness topics that may be taboo or just plain paiseh to talk about.
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Germaine is like a woke women.. the man pays for you and you just need say thanks and say you will pay for his friends too…. If you are upset over this .. that’s a red flag.. imagine the arguments you will have.. if something so small is upsetting.
I am also against the happy wife, happy life, why not happy husband ?
I also think mine money is her money and her money is her money is totally wrong when dealing with “modern” women today.. she can marry you, spend all your money, then go with another man in the future and use women charter to divorce you, take your money, your kids and ask for alimony and you get.nothing.
Why is the media always saying men are always bad and women is always the good person ? Men today don’t exist except in sexual harassment.
Men’s issues are cast aside while women issues are highlighted to the point where every men is the devil.
From this podcast, I do feel that Hazelle makes a good understanding partner for example , when Germaine says she is upset, she chips in and says, “she can pay for his friends ?”
Vernon gives such great advice. Also, can Jayne drop her skincare routine please? haha
For one. This comes from a guy who clearly is more financially capable than that of the average Singaporean, so much so, that when it comes talking about expenses, there is no real need to rely on his partner when it comes to finances. Yet, he has expectations, albeit not financial: he expects his partner to spend her time with him and his children.
The point is, this podcast fails to address the topic in a meaningful way: the guests throw in irresponsible, broad statements like having no expectations, and the hosts had not delved into the substratum of the issue, being that 50-50 may possibly be an expression of a more base desire, which may be the desire for fairness in a situation where two strangers have committed themselves to flourish together by way of their addition to that other party’s life such they ought to the common goal of working together towards that common good life to be enjoyed. Or perhaps the 50-50 is just a way to avoid the sensitive topic of finances. In a day and age where gender equality, expectations must reasonably exist of the other party, man or woman. Or it’s just common senses if something costs $3,000, in sharing the costs 50-50, both parties get to enjoy use of that thing(s) at half the costs.
There is a reason why things work in a relationship: both parties actively want to do the best for the other; but the absence of this consideration for the other person, where individuality is easily mistaken for selfishness. There is no loss of individuality when being just being kind to your partner; if your partner takes advantage of you, then it should be examined by both parties. The 50-50 is to walk around this leap
of faith into trust by conveniently leaving things to an objective standard.
To enter a marriage there are necessary expectations, even the expectation of no rules, so talk openly and be reasonable in order to achieve harmonisation, not compromise. But yeah, the one thing said proper is empathy; if you need to be told how to contribute, instead of noticing it, then…you are not doing your part in working together in the relationship. Like with the boyfriend paying example given: the boyfriend should have immediately noticed that it was a choice she had made about paying for her friends, and back off; it’s not about him earning more, rather, she can and wants to pay, so to interfere based on general reasons instead of her specific interests is to completely ignore her individuality. As with the 50-50 thing, that is sort of general reasoning is just as oppressive, and yet, it was simply dismissed as “don’t take it personally”.
This podcast gives an unfair and entitled view on making contributions in a relationship that circumvents the challenges of two strangers coming together to and taking common responsibilities arising from being together. It muddies the waters instead of clarifying how and why the 50-50 rule works or not work, and then add something to the conversation.
Basically: equal responsibilities, differentiated contributions.
Been with my wife since 22 years old. It's been a long 15 years journey with her. Things aren't that rosy alot of times but we all learn along the way. Plus kids really change the dynamic alot and add to the soreness between couple. I reckon that marriage will only work if both are willing to go through the thick and thin together.
Alot of advice in this video are very valid. I like the point on i) there's no one approach as much depends on the dynamic of the couple, ii) you might not even be able to have a 50-50 in contribution, much less a 100-100, iii) letting go of expectations, iv) expectations and ideals will change over time.
it can be 50-50.... but also 70-30, some days 10-90. But it should be always 100.
Vernon is my Idol. Legit no cap
I didn't expect the concept of 50-50 to be so calculative. I thought the question could be phrased in a better way to explore the concept of equality and fairness in relationships and marriages.
My personal view is equality and fairness (or more specifically, the FEELING of equality and fairness) is important such as mutual respect and empathy for one another (i.e. be able to listen and understand each other's POV when one party has concerns or is upset instead of gaslighting) and equal commitment to the relationship (i.e. both parties making a conscious effort to make the relationship work instead of one party always trying to make things work while the other is half-committed).
But when you frame equality in a calculative manner like I clean the house 50% of the time VS you clean the house 50% of the time, it sounds unhealthy and transactional. Relationships are fluid and I believe there many different ways to create a perception of equality and fairness such as playing to each person's strengths (one cooks while the other cleans) or you create a routine to clean the house together so it feels like teamwork. However, if one party feels unfair in any manner, he/she should be able to raise his/her concerns in an emotionally mature manner rather than bottling up the unhappiness. My view is it's a little bit too simplistic to brush things off which seems to be the general stance of the guests Vernon and Jayne.
Contention on household chores almost always due to 1 partner being lazy. He/she can maybe improve but damn is it hard and takes years to change if it ever does happen.
Advise everyone to expect partners to not improve. If it is currently bad, chances are that it will remain bad and, actually, have a bit of expectation that it may get worse over time. Something to contemplate before getting married.
11:30 Yes. This makes more sense. When you are married with someone, they are not going to be 100% all the time!! Have empathy for your life long partner!!!
I thought Azura was married?
Should be unconditional…
The quote that Hazelle said......I believe it's from the same Gary Chapman who wrote the book, "The 5 Love Languages".
This episode sounds like its a character trait issue.
why would you bother to worry about who does what.
If you wanna clean just clean ?
g-man's guy should have just booked a table at his own place for g-man's pals instead of saying that as what was said cos she felt this way.
but now we know.
Its just couple perception of the way how it should be.
A marriage isn't about loving some one perfectly,
but imperfectly loving some one.
Listening
Are you Listening to reply,
or to understand.
Germaine seems to have some realisations from this episode.
Hmm isn’t Azura married?
@@ethereal824 ohhh thankss sorry for asking
Why are u sorry for asking? Is it a sad answer about Azura?
To Germaine, first you agree say dont be calculative, after that you bring up your special formula to calculate how much is a fair amount to contribute.
I wonder if that special formula works if you are the one earning more or would you complain its unfair?
seems like this episode is designed to show how men are always in the wrong, always in a negative light but women are perfect little angels? I wonder, if there was a youtube video portraying women in a bad light, what would happen?
vernon too wise, almost reminds me of a monk. his wife too!
a monk!?? 🤣