What working with psychopaths taught me about leadership | Nashater Deu Solheim | TEDxStavanger
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- čas přidán 2. 11. 2020
- Are you always authentic ? Nashater challenges you that we are not. And we probably shouldnt be. Can your life depend on it ? And if you are not authentic, save your life ? Watch her compelling takeaway - dont be authentic if you need to save the relationship..... Dr Nashater Deu Solheim is CEO of Progressing Minds and Amazon bestselling author of “The Leadership PIN Code”, which debuted on the 2020 Forbes list of 8 books “..that will change the way you handle relationships”. She is an HBR contributor and advisor to businesses and executive coach on leadership influence based on the approach within her book. She is a popular keynote speaker onher experience as a psychologist in forensic and business settings and an accomplished moderator onthe international stage.. She has 25 years of practical business experience across diverse sectors for governments, NGOs, corporate, healthcare and more recently in oil and gas. Nashater has held executive leadership positions within strategy, competence & learning roles and leadership development in international corporations and SMEs. She holds a doctorate in Psychology from the University of Surrey and trained as an Expert Negotiator at Harvard Law School. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx
The most amusing thing about people who pride themselves on being frank is that they can never take it when you return the favour.
100%
Exactly
Yep
Its so true ... actually I threw that in their faces so they get something to think about !
Right
Honesty without kindness is brutal.
Kindness without honesty is manipulation.
Kindness without honesty is rather useless, but can serve as the basis for manipulation when further trust can be attained via other means.
This.
Brilliant! 🌟👍
This is a real validation that we have a lot of psychopaths as leaders. I have been noticing the pattern lately of people in a leadership role who arent empathic, they kill people's dreams, unmotivate their team as though they arent humans.
Anyone who treats people anyhow and claims to be authentic has a psychological problem or is suffering deep inside.
We can only give what we have...if you have love, happiness inside of you, you will give your team and those around you love and happiness.
You can't fake it cos your non-verbal cues are louder than the ocean.
This doesn't really matter, but just for the record queue means a line (I waited in a queue at the restaurant.), and cue means a suggestion (non-verbal cues).
@@michaelhoelscher2271 thanks for the heads up. I corrected it. I appreciate.
If being an authentic "leader" means you are constantly negative and critical of your team, there is an issue with you, not them.
Exactly! She should have googled "honest" before giving this talk.
Can you say former President Trump? I knew you could.
Trump die-hards still won’t accept defeat. Jordan Klepper went to the Million MAGA March to find out more.
Yeah its scary.. No matter what i think we need education reform or something because all of us as a whole are woefully under educated the stuff i dont know is alot vaster than i realized.. maybe im old and just dont give two fudges but wow.. and yeah this has made some of my family believe that all the news everywhere got together like villains and decided to lie about everything 🤦♀️ its frustrating to listen to that drivel and be calm and easy going enough to try to sneakily change their mind via leading them into discussions that mimic the issue but are in no way related you have to be insane to navigate that stuff.. i cant wait for 2021 hopefully the plague dies and nobody blows anyone up... stay safe people ❤️ ✌️
Not always the case
I have mad respect for people who make it their life's work to understand the human mind.
You should have more respect for the people who spend their lives trapped in the human mind. It's a lot more difficult to do that.
@@HospitalForSouls.Xpull down your pants.
Empathy is not agreement. It is about understanding.
Empathy is the rarest substance on earth. More rare than diamonds, gold.
What?! ☝️ made no sense.. If you think about it.. isnt a Psychopath agreeing kind of Empathetic? In a way it is because they are trying to make you feel more comfortable kind of hide the monster so to speak... i’ll put it this way id rather the Psychopath that mimics than the one who doesnt even bother... this conversation seems insanish.. stay safe please everyone! ❤️ ✌️
@American Pharoah that isn't empathy...
How many arguments have I had about this.
I keep talking because I want you to understand what I’m saying. You don’t have to agree. Just understand.
Some people keep talking until I agree. I understood what you were saying an hour ago. But I will NEVER agree if keep talking for days.
Different communication goals.
Empathy requires understanding & feeling.
Authenticity is true power. Being authentic isn't divulging every thought you have.
Self-awareness is a leadership trait
Needed to be reminded of this!
@@toreybrown1351 might like my channel ♡
@@TheDoomWizard you are a genius. Thanks! I just got an idea on how to get to 1000 loyal subscribers for channels.
This is very short-sighted & I’d have to say I disagree. While she has the main points down & her title/experience creates a proper platform for her, don’t be fooled by the packaging & delivery (or marketing of her teachings). While I believe her intentions are in the right place & she works her points cohesively, think abt what she is REALLY saying & how that reflects on how she copes w her struggles on the inner plane. She is blocked in her comprehension of life- it’s not just a matter of survival, but also *thriving* together. This is such a vital point I feel was neglected especially during Covid.
It’s the quality of honesty that creates authenticity. When you are honest w yourself in order to be honest w others, then you have to take a *really* good look at yourself & decide what kind of societal constructs impose on your true form.
What she is teaching is surface level stuff of learning how to self-manage in the art of practical manipulation. She even speaks of preserving your rep at work, which is so ego based & never really resolves conflict in practically any atmosphere. When your end goal is to meet an agenda that is isolated on value for self, transactionally speaking, then you forget about the more expansive quality to preserving the authenticity of the whole. Thus, this method becomes quickly obsoleted when we talk about the end game of authenticity- its bonding, its intimacy in a way that knocks down the barriers of societal scripts that divide us...steering us further from our true nature to love which is the true source of empathy. From there, things naturally work out, allowing more fluidity (less restriction or need to control) & less inhibitions for your true talents to come into play for all to resource.
Im about to leave my current position because of the brutal treatment. Mind you, I'm a quiet type who doesn't like confrontation, but I tend to speak up when I feel like I'm getting the short end of the stick. I realized my company does not value me or my work, it was time to go.
Dasvidanya, tovarisch
Yes you deserve to be valued and respected!
Good for you. Years from now, you will look back and be glad you left. Your coworkers? They will still be working there. Grinding and backstabbing having gained nothing.
this was the reason I left my company long time ago.. 👍
Good for you. One day I came to talk with my employer about a question. He was loud and confrontational. So I quit. I walked out one day. The second day I worked with him I forgot to prepare his gloves for him for a patient. He walked me out of the room and told me never to do that again. The glove dispenser was like two inches away from him and this was the second day I worked with him mind you. Few days later he paraded me in front of a patient. I am still née at this point. So I dealt with that for 6 months. The 6th month I couldn’t deal with it. So I just walked out. He decided to yell at me infront of the whole office. I had to leave. Like peace ef out. He was wierd. He would humiliate you then laughed with you the next day like nothing happened. I belief he was a narcissist.
"Working with psychopaths, I learned to be authentic. What I learned working with psychopaths, also works really well with world leaders." Ummm, so it appears the world is led by psychopaths. Just confirms what I already know.
I heard something like that before...”The world is led by psychopaths”
The Neanderthaler had it right with the hunter-gatherer nomadic lifestyle. Since agriculture we've gone down.
I think that some so-called leaders follows the maxim, "Absolute power, corrupts absolutely." True leaders inspire their staff and actually listen to what they have to say.
Yeah... I made the same connection too...
It is. Narcissists run the world.
For the nonempathic leaders:
1) Know your role, Stay within your lane
2) Be prepared, and Get to know your workers and their motivations
3) Remain curious even when challenged.
Thanks haha
Being authentic isn’t an excuse to be brutal or careless.
Well, it kinda is if you are brutal and careless in your core and you are asked to be authentic. 😃
@@vojtechotava1417 yeah, don't expect someone to be tactful when you tell them not to be
@@vaclavjebavy5118 Přesně!
yes
@@vaclavjebavy5118 honesty and tact is not the opposite thing. Do them both, not difficult.
This is wonderful advice. It's all about balancing empathy with honesty, otherwise the listener will simply tune you out.
exactly Omar and thanks for the postive feedback.
I think it’s good advice, but it’s not great. Telling executives and leaders that they should use empathetic authenticity doesn’t take care of the real problems. The real problems are the psychopathic (de-sensitized/dehumanizing) agendas and mechanisms in the work place - namely exploitation. We are starting to see through the BS.
Paid commenter, read other comments to verify.
@@sierraharvester who is a paid commenter? What are you talking about?
True Lies.. .
My former manager and director must be psychopaths since they terminated me after 27 years because I was deeply grieving over the loss of my brother, sister, aunt, uncle and cousin within a year. They were cruel and showed a great lack of empathy 😢
Grieving if a waste of time and energy.
@@Undisputed_King grieving is a natural human emotion
How are you doing now a year later. Are you okay?
@@Undisputed_King if ud ever lost something worth grieving over then ud realize y ur comment is so ridiculous
@@Undisputed_King Someone exposed themselves in this thread about people without a conscience.
What we need is compassionate leaders, leaders who truly understand other people, encourage others to succeed, provide moral leadership, and accept diversity as a strength not only in character but in ideas. Such teams are shown to thrive more than those leaders who aren't open to these ideas.
Good luck with that 👍🏻
Exactly! It was super encouraging when a manager went up to my co worker and got a certificate for doing well…does he deserve it? Yes of course but I deserve one to and no one seems to see me it’s really sad. I called out today and probably won’t go in tomorrow unfortunately. I’m to the point where I’d rather go to the mental hospital just to get away but even that place is super loud and I want to not be around a ton of people who are loud and negative.
Compassionate people are weak. Weak people don't rise to power.💢
Absolutely not. 'Compassion' to you people is 'steal money from some and throw it at others'. Diversity is NOT a strength. It isn't a weakness either. It can be equally as useful and destructive.
I disagree. I’ve learned someone can be brutal or not compassionate and maybe people will “respect” them but that person goes home to a family and then if they are less agreeable it comes with a downside.
Honesty without tact is cruelty. Just be kind.
In our current trialling times, I think that tact, maturity and professionalism is a thing of the past...
@@alfredcam9362 trying not trialling. Sounds better.
If the truth hurts align yourself with it instead of working against it. The truth should NOT be sugar coated.
That simply not true.
The Dutch look at that differently
Empathy is not agreement. It is about understanding 👏
After hearing your Authentic talk i became Authentic with Empathy rather than Brutally Authentic ,Thank You very much for your Insight .
My goal in this talk is hopefully to inspire exactly that Akash with anyone who can see the benefit! So grateful for your sharing - thank you.
I get dizzy. Too much authentic
I took away 3 useful tools from this talk although I'm retired, disabled, live in senior housing. I don't get along well here. 1st, I'll change my role. I need to be a well oiled cog in this machine or else I will be replaced i.e. homeless. 2nd, I will accept the reality that most of people here enjoy making others suffer or try to avoid becoming targets themselves.3rd, remain curious because these people are always devising new ways to cause suffering. I bought a body cam to deter abuse and danger. This is a desperate situation but your talk provides hope for a workable solution. Thanks 👍
p.s. My point is that I am the leader of my own life. In every circumstance, I will identify my role, know the others involved, and stay curious about the others esp how they and I are evolving.
Wow, Ingrid! That sounds so unpleasant! I believe you. Good that you are taking precautions and continually improving your situation. Is this your only option? Is it possible to find a rental and a single roommate? Maybe someone you get one well with or have a home with a room you can rent so that if you don’t get along you can amicably move on.
I’m 41yrs and I think about retirement! My plan, if I’m single, is to have a home I can occupy at low cost and rent out as well. This way I can have more of a say in how things go. It may not be perfect but there is a chance to change things.
Hope things are looking up and continued safety and peace! 💕💕💕
Hang in there, Ingrid!
scream out Ingrid
Name names
I feel what you are saying, Ingrid. It is shocking to realize how toxic people can be. And yes, they do derive pleasure and power from hurting others. I think it must get worse, as people age and their influence on controlling their work, family, society etc changes. Stay strong in knowing you are worthy and wise. 💕
What are they doing to you? You should be safe.
Honesty without tact is cruelty. Be genuine.
it doesn’t matter if you are genuine with a psychopath, they twist it and make up their own narrative regardless
Tact def is important.
I watched an interview of a sociopath. I would say he sounded normal and very real than most who show fake empathy. Coming from a person who trusts people easily. To keep yourself safe, it's better to assume everyone to be an anti social/ sociopath/even a psychopath, till you see their pattern...
I'm a sociopath, and I keep to myself because if I see weaknesses, I can be abusive into manipulation methods.
@@JoshuaFreakyVenomFan least try to minimized your evilness a lil bit.
@@JoshuaFreakyVenomFan yes? And what stops you?
Why you don’t want to use their weakness in your favor?
a) they are bait and switch artists b) they believe their own hype
@@SearchIndex I'm no bait at all, sir. That's your opinion.
I always hated brutal honesty. It just doesnt make sense. Its not about lying or misleading people, but why should we share every thought despite how it may impact people? Keep some things to yourselves and choose kindness. I think it may make the person themselves feel happier, too, not only the people around them
great points
I like brutal honesty because it can help you become better. For example if someone is havingbad hygiene I will say to him/her and she he will know about problem and try to be better.
Honesty vs. Lying ?
Sooner or later liars get cut ...there goes your kindness
Well depends among friends yes but in a work environment no. Also sometimes issues go undiscussed and people suffer. Better to be hit by a hammer now than by a car later.
What's funny is she said something I use in this video. But I always thought lead with empathy. The other person not only wants to be heard but understood. When she said be authentic with empathy I laughed out loud.
people like to pretend we are not completely different from one another and usually cant handle 100% honesty because it shatters that illusion
Brutal honesty (unpretentiously honest) is not equal to being brutal (extremely harsh/ criticizing at all times)
Brutal honesty by definition requires being brutal, you can be unpretentious without being harsh. The vast majority of truths in this world aren't suppose to hurt, it's when you use it to break balls instead of opening eyes that hurt.
Brutality and brutal honesty still sit in the same realm though... I think there are better words to describe what you are thinking of as brutal honesty, but language is quite fluid so it may be proper terminology where you live. I think that brutal honesty is a vital tool to help someone change perspective but it should only be used in extremely limited ways and times in our life. If the brutal honesty is focused on a misguided belief rather than directed at a person it can tear down a damn cult if used correctly. But if you direct it at people brutal honesty has become your weapon...
What people struggle to teach is body language and tone. These are sometimes more important than the words themselves
@@grimmitachi Spot on. My thoughts precisely. Using "unpretentiously" as a synonym for "brutal" isn't quite right.
To be brutally honest JF should look up the meaning of " unpretentious" before using it and what are you on about with "criticizing at all times" (underlined in red).
Or to be unpretentiously honest, I agree that unpretentiously honest is not equal to being brutal, but where i disagree is "Brutal honesty" and "unpretentiously honest" being the same. Also if you don't mind me saying, I don't think you needed to add "criticizing at all times" as it is superfluous.
@@gabriellesmith5661 You are so right that brutal honesty should only be used in extremely limited ways and times but if you are brutally honest to someone with a misguided belief you run the risk of pushing that person into an even more intransigent position and despite the evidence against them they hold on to their old beliefs. I think it is called backfire effect.
You’re so right . Hearing your talk , I realized why I broke up with my ex . He was brutally honest and I was hurt by that . If he showed me empathy and kind authenticity we could connected by trust and assurance ! Thank you
So much for sharing your insight .
Thank you so much for sharing of your experience and learning from it - that is my point precisely - it builds trust and connection.
Lol me too!
The incredible brutality of my sister killed all connection we could have had. Some people believe they are the leaders of everyone around them. Not setting boundaries immediately is like agreeing to hidden contracts.
Too many "leaders" confuse directness with assertiveness. People feel that they have to assert themselves to be competitive or to gain control. A true leader can be direct and tactful at the same time. Professionalism demands that we never say everything we are thinking. You also want to maintain the dignity of the other person to keep the relationship. What she is talking about here is EIQ. She is correct, we should never be completely "authentic". In the words of Jack Nicholson, "You can't handle the truth". Get your message across with kindness.
This remind me a lot of what Chriss Voss, former FBI negoticator teach. It's all about empathy (tactical empathy) and be calm (with your voice). This is how you get information.
yes exactly
never splt the difference
...well, one way😉
What a cruel word: "tactical empathy "
What a tough crowd! No laughs. Nashater, you are an amazing public speaker.
Having encountered so many sociopathic types among management, I tend to assume all management people are this way until I’ve seen their actions over time. How kind people are when they don’t have to be (to achieve some hidden, or not so hidden agenda) is very relevant. Some leaders are overly kind one-on-one, to protect their reputations, then throw colleagues and subordinates under the bus or steal credit behind their backs. I used to admire leaders who were blunt but honest, thinking that they were more trustworthy, and they probably are, but at a high cost to morale. The best leaders are those who always put their people first, but they are in exceedingly short supply. Almost nonexistent in for-profit businesses, which are almost universally based on inhumane goals, i.e. profit at all costs.
I love this comment.
The team and I were just having a meeting about authenticity and I wondered why I didn't feel open enough to share. Thank you so Much for putting this into perspective for me. Moving forward I am going to create a space of physiological safety.
1. Know your role as a leader and create boundaries
2. Know your teammates motivations
3. Remain curious and lead with empathy.
A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
Be Authentic With Empathy
Glad you agree! Thanks Kimberly
...and it doesn't mean being completely open, but authentic to the task.
Yes!!
I wish she were either my boss, my teacher or my therapist, or all of the above.:) Authenticity does not excuse brutality. Brilliant!
That's such heartwarming and humbling feedback Hanna! Much appreciated.
@@nashatersolheim5905 Thank YOU! This was an education in the best sense of the word. :)
Wow I needed to hear that. Empathy is not about agreement, its about understanding.
Oh my god. Is this what people think “authenticity” is? They aren’t being authentic, they are just being jerks. Authenticity is hard work and very challenging to perform consistently and constructively.
Every vlogger on youtube should take this advice. It would help with the "sharing all of yourself" issue. It isn't fair to the person making the video.
Just based on YT comments, we often have strong feelings about things and share them even when there’s absolutely no need to do so. Certainly, we can be authentic without being judgmental. More importantly, I appreciate the idea that having empathy does not mean condoning or agreeing with another person’s views or behaviors; I think many people make the mistake that empathy is about letting people do or say as they please when it’s actually simply making the effort to understand why people are who they are. Excellent insights! 🙏
Thank you for that feedback Brent and for a thoughtful reflection on my message.
I worked in a corporate environment where my CFO graduated from Harvard but had issues communicating with co-workers. He was extremely direct and brutally honest. I was fine with it but many were not. HR forced him in classes to teach him to communicate. He was still terrible but had brilliant ideas. He demotivated workers though and they quit.
UFO
@@Q_QQ_Q -It's actually CFO.
It's so funny how the company wanted to help him when accountants are a commodity. You get rid of one, and you get another one the next day. He must have had significant political connections. Nobody should care for people like him. If he is pretty brilliant, he must figure out the hard way.
@@marcelmendez6968 But the guy A C posted about is a pretty good description of Steve Jobs -- and many another super-achiever. When ordinary souls see just HOW ordinary they are -- they go into crisis.
A variation on this occurs at CalTech... famed for having an undergraduate body of geniuses and valedictorians. When they all sit together, this becomes the first time in their young lives that they are not #1 -- going away. They go into crisis, too.
I met the first guy Jobs fired after coming back to run Apple. Steve made the right call. The dude was an Enarc. ( It's a French term, g@@gle it. His role in society was to be a totally credentialed and unimaginative cog in the Big Machine. [ Enarcs run France, BTW. They are schooled to manage everything and ... lead nothing. ]
Read Harvard Business Reviews: Managers vs Leaders. You might learn something.
YT has suppressed the citation at the end of my post -- so you'll have to g@@gle it, yourself. Original pub date 1977.
It's so famous that it's now iconic in business management circles.
Many managers, coaches and teachers think to criticize is their job. They, in most times, are the problem. Many don’t say this to them because they won’t listen. Their is no psychological safety net built.
Agree with you and that's the reason I felt strongly enough to give this talk. Thank you for sharing.
Sounds like my employer the narcissist
Ah. Excellent points. And, keep in mind that subordinates can often tell when a leader is, underneath a mask of empathy, actually hostile and contemptuous of them; we can tell and it hurts, and it kills our motivation.
I feel like this lady is trying to drop punchlines, but the audience is so somber and serious over the subject matter they can't bring themselves to laugh. Meanwhile, she's hung out with Hannibal Lector types, and so for her, there's dry humor in that fact.
I completely got that too she made some funny comments the and audience didn’t really pick up on it
Hahaha is your second name Gonzo ?
I hope you write
As your angle is soooooo funny.
There's no much of an audience, there was a shot of the seats and was mostly empty, probably for the pandemic. Even if they laugh it's probably a giggle that won't be noticed.
🤣 I agree! Dry humor takes high intelligence,wit and a great poker face, some just won’t ever catch it 😘 I’d say perhaps one way psychopaths sort the prey. Idk haven’t watched video yet so here goes.
No matter how educated or experienced anyone is, it is still always the luck of the draw kind of game of chance with how the conversation goes
Personas are an integral part of our personality. Having worked also in situations where you are dealing and interacting with very violent and disturbed people it is imperative to take on a different part of your persona. Calm, in control etc, what your authentic self is feeling is something quite different.
I really do have a hard time with oversharing and being too honest; but the thing is that I'm usually the type of person who thinks fondly of other people. I love people and I tend to notice their strengths easily. So if being "too honest" makes you unable to ever say something nice, you probably have a few other problems that has nothing to do with being a bad leader!
Be authentic, but authentic with empathy. Keeping this one.
I am the very person who needed to listen to this. I had always valued my brutally honest self, and had seen things fall apart. I think we also should apply the role boundaries in personal relationships.
I always trust people with a British accent. Something to do with Jane Goodall..hehe
Wish I had come across this sooner. Thank you Nashater...
Same here. I feel like I should apply this. But it feels kinda wrong. I actually like people who are brutally honest more than people who are "authentic with empathy" I feel like they're phony.
But most people don't appreciate brutal honesty so I suppouse that's why empathy is important.
Points to remember: Know your role as a leader.....do your research, ...know your staff, .......remain curious even when you feel challenged, instead of critical. Be authentic but not brutal. authenticity with empathy with builds trust.
Yes, be authentic with empathy. Not lying, but not being cruel. Thank you so much and God bless you. 🙏💖💖
When I read the title I immediately imagined her working in the corporate sector and not actual psycopaths in prison.
Not too dissimilar. One set earns high salaries while the other set follows a life of crime and time in prison.
Be nice and remember to apply a filter more often.
The clarity of thought. The perspicacity to deconstruct these two schools of leadership, based on a borderline traumatic circumstances. The powerful message. One of my all time favorite TDEx talks.
Viewing the world though a lens of complete objectivity makes us forget about the beauty of being humans and having emotions and stories to share
Thank you. People are misusing the word brutal because it means violent, cruel and inhumane. As humans we are multidimensional beings. What about empathy? That would also be nice.
So what i got from this is that, in this context, authenticity means being genuinely interested in what you do and it's expressed in your approach towards what you're trying to achieve, instead of behaving as someone "you truly are" (which usually means being who you are at home... not professional at all!)
Authenticity as a brutal honesty, or Authenticity with Empathy
a nice question to reflect myself upon. Thanks
appreciate your open reflection and positive feedback AikWK- thank you
love listening and learning from an Expert Negotiator. Thank you Nashater.
What a wonderful TED talk... both in her message and her presentation style
I'm honest with myself, usually brutally honest, and I want that people who are important to me are honest with me. And I'm honest with other people too. Sometimes brutally. Some of them comes back to me and tells, you're so right. Most of them vanishes forever. Who cares? I only want to work with people who can endure critics. How on earth should anyone improve theirselves without being criticized? Manipulation isn't the answer. Honey-coated criticism is OK.
Hi Jessica, have you read about the emotional intelligence? Thank me later
@@Alex-bt2qv I won't. I know what is emotional intelligence. But what I definitely don't want is a business of snowflakes.
@@thereisnosanctuary6184 I see. Criticism is bad but insult is OK. This is what we call hypocrisy. I bet you like the ideas in the video but you were willing to insult me.
@@Alex-bt2qv To be critical doesn't mean you aren't emotionally intelligent. Sometimes you have to criticize. How on earth would someone know they did something wrong? Every work place has employee evaluations. Your boss tells you you're good in this and you're bad in that.
@@thereisnosanctuary6184 You don't know me therefore you're insulting me. F off. At least, I am authentic. I definitely won't change my personality. I like to be strong and to be able to endure criticism. Psycho is an insulting word. This is not a character feature. I think the only person who is terrible here is you. Just look at your name.
I heard something like that before...”The world is led by psychopaths”
I messed up soo bad. FAR TOO BRUTALLY AUTHENTIC FOR MY OWN GOOD. Straight up threw my psychological safetyness out the window. That connection will forever be severed...
Sounds like my marriage....always have to study the psych to tailor my actions/words/moods/facial expressions based on his day. It’s a constant mental gymnastics living with a psych.
WHY is he the way he is? Are his siblings/ parents like this?
Simply , have empathy, because you are just as human as the next- Just as animalistic and perishable. You won’t even have to worry about “authenticity” it would be a by product.
Except she's mentioning empathy in terms of showing it to psychopaths (that haven't any), then switches to people in positions of management. She fails to mention that you can't simply "have" (aquire) empathy. I have found that this mentality (narcissism) trickles down from corporate, to the point that it is encouraged. When she said these managers pointed fingers at the very employees they most likely hired, that is beyond telling of this person's character. These people are notorious for resigning any responsibility and projecting their faults and short-coming onto others. They exploit you and see you as disposable. The fact that she linked these two characters seems to indicate she's aware of the deficit, but fails to mention the attempts are futile for the sake of her own career. Irony. There are a ton of videos out there, where psychologists have been sent employees on the basis of a mental health evaluation. What these types do is trade a more overt behavior to something more covert and vengeful. These people didn't get sent to them over a disagreement, they are liability to the company and also fears retaliation from the raging narcississt that threatens to sue. These companies are extremely apathetic and well aware of the managers behavior and it isn't until the employee reaches out to the labor board that any action is taken. When human resources is contacted any action moving foward, is typically for show, as these managers are a reflection of their own hiring process and put there for a reason and that is that they can crunch numbers. Companies will turn a blind eye, as long as they have the numbers to account for it. By this womans rationale, you can encourage the psychopathy to have empathy for their victims and therefore, reform them back into society. I am convinced these "psychs" are afflicted by personality disorders. They use the impression of "empathy" as a means to manipulate (as she admits to) and exploit others for personal gain. It doesn't get more blatant than that.
@@LareesieAlice I've manipulated allot of people, and you seem like a nice victim.
@@JoshuaFreakyVenomFan not today satan, not today.
You obviously don't know about the type 2 psychopath, they have accurate cognitive empathy which makes them much more dangerous.
@@dreamdiction it isn't real empathy, it is the illusion of empathy, a manipulation tactic-as I mentioned.. They understand in terms of "cause and effect", nothing more. All that type II, "dark triad" and "malignant narcississm" is just more pseudo psychology (like this video) and very lucrative. A lot of pseudo psych and youtubers (see above) are part of the popculture. These terms and the like are being used to further exploit victims. I divorced someone very dangerous and I can tell you first hand, a diagnosis means little to the abused. All of them are actors, as they study people to perfect their craft. That "empathy" is fabricated and any psychological intervention has little or no effect. They will lie and manipulate councilors, right down to emulating empathy. The truth lies in the abuse victims and I could write a book on this subject.
Asking psychopaths to have empathy sounds good, but is tilting at windmills . Identifying and removal from public office might work better.
Trust is the single factor that can make or break a group of people. It’s there or it is not. period
I, I and I and then again I .... and I... someone needs recognition desperately !
Till half of the session I carried the feeling of brutally honest, taken for a ride with definition of empathy being sympathetic to other's feelings. When it is tuned to business model, I fully got what the the lady wish to share. Thanks. 🙏
One of the most incredibly authentic Ted talks. Thank you for sharing your observations.
A very thoughtful and well-rounded TEDx Talk; a model for other talks. Very well done, thank you.
Thank you Sean for the positive feedback!
I very much agree with this lady. 👌
From an aspiring leader.
I am conistently amused by how little psychologist know about psychopaths.
That said, the balance between brutality and empathy is what makes psychopaths and sociopaths leaders of leaders.
Interestingly enough having this type of immoral / psychopathic mind wiring might actually be evolutionary for the fact, that these types of men might have held high value in a tribe for where fending off (and even killing) invaders was prioritized over feeling of guilt. Reason being, it's only been very recent in our human evolutionary existence that we're much more civilized. We might have needed psychopaths in the recent past.
@@mrwz626 what? If psychopathology didn’t exist we’d live in near utopia. There would be accountability and diplomacy. But the world doesn’t operate that way because psychopaths exist. It’s like that saying “a few bad eggs ruins it for all”.
@@pennypie923 war would still exist without psychopaths
There is a reason she left out the details of how empathy saved her from the psychopath. I see three possibilities... 1, she pushed the psychopath too far. 2, she was irrationally afraid of the psychopath, and incorrectly believes she saved herself from danger. 3, she made up something that sounds cool for a sound bite.
You wouldn't know the construct of psychopathy without the work of psychologists over the past decades.
Hmmmm....I think it's this insistence by society that people not be their true selves that leads to others being harsh because they are frustrated. I had a very harsh boss who spoke unkindly to me, threw things and tried to recruit other teammates to help her get me fired. Luckily, they didn't agree with her treatment of me and declined to assist her. I was later in a one on one meeting with her (she wanted to clear the air) and she told me she felt she had no power in her position, wasn't happy with the way she was treated and frequently thought about quitting. I knew then I was simply her emotional punching bag and a big part of the problem was she wasn't able to be her authentic self in her position or feel that her authentic self was appreciated. I continued to have issues at this company since I dared to take my issues with her to HR after getting no response from upper management. I simply decided and learned the key is to know when to walk away. I knew once I started to internalize the way I was being treated I had to leave. She should have done the same.
Ive been in similar situation. I walked away. Good job
Sometimes there is no choice but to walk away, but that solution is like what suicide is to life. What I have understood is when we join a new job, we are so scared of losing it or making an impression that we start behaving like door mat and start letting people take us for granted. I think the probation period is fine, but after that we have to learn to resist... in a nice way. When we dont speak up when small things happen, it builds up inside us and gets so big that we are no more able to handle them gracefully. So after probation period, NO RULE OF 3 strikes. Speak up at the first strike. Speak nicely, but speak. Give your point of you.
@@rairadio7119 yes so 8 yrs ago i became self employed it seemed daunting at first , however with in 6 months .... Here i am able to pick my days off and set my hours. Its up to me to make the $ and use it wisely. The more i work the more i make , i can turn down some jobs i don't want or don't have time for, i set the pace which sets my pay. I started cleaning homes 50$ for 2 hours. Thats 100 a day for 4 hours. Then patching walls n tile fixing broken things painting rooms and porches. Some jobs wear u out others are very easy find what u can do and scroll ur local Facebook community and meet a need .dont over charge don't be afraid to try
Thank you so much for sharing your experience.
She sounds like she had a borderline personality disorder or narcissism. We can’t allow others to mistreat us, it’s not brutal honesty it’s abuse and detrimental to our mental health.
So no empathy for abusive jerks, treat others how you wish to be treated.
Thank you for the TED talk. I've been a registered nurse in senior positions for awhile. Of recent I likely have had brutal honesty. I am curious because I have generally been a good and fair leader. Thank you because this is the wake up call I needed to help myself but others around me.
Give an anonymous survey/questionnaire to the people who work for you. That way you get honest feedback. Research shows that most people over-estimate their performance.
I see this talk not as a relegation of truth but as an honest account of certain aspects of how we currently deal with what we believe to be true.
There are 2 kinds of people..insecure people who have confidence in using it to control ,manipulate, bully ,demand and are entitled..Secure people usually lack confidence and have self doubt so easily manipulated
In these "unprecedented" times, the Prime Minister of New Zealand said something I found memorable in the course of the daily Covid briefings: it was "Be kind". It's not a bad motto to live by.
The fake pandemic is designed by psychopaths.
@@dreamdiction Try telling that to my medical specialist wife and see where you get. Alternatively, it's a pretty impressive fake if it's caused a world-wide lockdown. Perhaps you need to get your news from a wider range of sources.
@@lautoka63 Your "medical specialist wife" lol. Perhaps you need to get your news from a wider range of sources. The death rate from covid is the same as the death rate from old age. Covid is no more harmful than flu, that's why the total deaths from all causes this year is actually LOWER than the total deaths in previous years with a bad flu season. Covid is harmless, that's why you need a test to know if you've got it. Nobody is even coughing, if there had been no lockdown we would not have notice any difference this year compared to previous years with a bad flu season.
Spot-on. It describes a situation I have been experiencing and analysing. I have always thought that, sometimes, to go the top of the ladder, people need to show psychopath's traits.
Dr. Nashateur Deu Solheim’s presence and energy is inspiring!
No matter if we like it or not, 90% of us have different masks for different situations, thats a way to make it in life in general.... the last 10% are fycked since they are pure, good and a bit naive and they will get eaten by the world and people around them, my girlfriend is in the last 10%, one of the best humans i have ever met, but she needs someone to sheild her a bit from the “evils” of the world from time to time
Sometimes the 10% are people who refuse to be fake
She seems to be talking about having emotional intelligence to me.
Spot on Marley! Many of the skills I coach fall into that area though may show up in different ways depending on how they are framed. Thanks for sharing a great point.
@@oldnorth2666 Thank you firstly for your openness and sharing. I worked with people with that diagnosis earlier in my career. There is a lot of available therapy using a variety of approaches - though not sure what that looks like in the country where you are. Whilst I no longer work clinically and so cannot advise on treatment pathways, I can point you in the direction of books I know many have found interesting. Books by Marsha Linehan have been very popular.
Indeed she is.... GOLD
Emotional intelligence out of balance is a deficit.
“Know yo role.” Words to live by.
Authentic + empathy = necessary authenticity.
It sounds like she's speaking about having soft skills.
Also that.
10:38. "Know your role, and shut your mouth!" I know I can't be the only one who was thinking that😁
So you do smell what the Rock is cooking...
And that what people who I don't like you they call a you a liar and you have 2 faces.
Thank you for enlightenment 🙏🏼
Balance is what truly matters and balance is a constant effort. Just as constant as the earth orbits the sun.
She’s very impressed with herself and having keys as if there aren’t other security measures between her and the inmate and as if correctional officers make notable remarks on their day
My first girlfriend was a psychopath. She almost tried to kill me. And she said that she is authentic and honest. Luckily I escaped unhurt.
Both my ex wives too! They hid it well!
So sorry
They always have the right words. Without them and a convincing personality they couldn't be master manipulators.
Very well explained. Have witnessed it first hand. Thank you 🙏
Very matured and kind stand to take. To be empathetic, authentic and honest. To be curious with understanding and not being judgemental.
i've learnt that leaders like this do not want to save relationships, nor their reputation at work. They also do not want to save their lives but instead would like someone else to bare the consequence of ending it, if it came to that. The thing is, they are incredibly miserable, but do not have the humility and courage it takes, to do anything that focuses on changing who they really are, they would rather blame or try to change others instead so that they won't be reminded that there is something wrong with them. [Always remember this: their aim is to try to make you feel exactly how they feel, and if they can't achieve this, then they will kill you, if not your life, then your spirit, because they are dead inside; they are just looking for companionship in the underworld]. Don't allow them to take you under. If it is a job - leave; if it is a marriage - end it; if it is a relationship - cut if off. They are actually not really remarkable as general society would like to believe, or psychologists make it seem, when they try to create suspense in "getting into the mind of a killer." i think creating this sensationalisation around these people, in aiming to make the job of a psychologist seem mystic or more than what it is. A fascination that borders to an idolism of these people, will always have terrible consequences. We are dealing with very dangerous people. Globally, we have almost achieved in filling every position of power, from the common occupations to government, with people who are just like this. As individuals, we may have suffered at the hands of such people, but on the global scale, i don't think we have even begun ripping the consequences of allowing this, yet.
Thank you so much for this comment, I too felt that comparison with Psychopaths and somehow her success as criminal psychologist was inappropriate.
Psychopaths are on completely different level, just because they gave you some piece of information doesn’t mean they wouldn’t destroy you because you expressed and show them empathy and understanding. In fact psychopaths prey on authenticity and empathy, they want others to feel sorry for the crimes they are committed.
And yes, many in position of power are remorseless, there is nothing you can do to change who they are.
Hope this helps people that definitely need it. Pick your leaders wisely
@bill frost -- okay, representatives!?
Wisely limit the power of your leaders.
I will show this video to my 91 year old aunt, and use it as a tool to accomplish the planning for her dying. It will make a challenging conversation much easier. Thank you!
People should be both brutally honest and empathetic. One shouldn't use one as an excuse to not do the other.
That is why I love CZcams comments.
I remained curious ..and was authentic with empathy..that's my takeaway on how to deal w people I disagree with..
Love that Bella - definitely heard others say it helps with conflicts and disagreements too. Thanks for sharing!
Psychos always say they’re being fair and just honest to guilt other people. They all need to get in the bin
and rub the lotion on its skin
Definitely worth watching and so true. Being empathetic and curious contributes to quality relationships. It can be difficult because our emotions often get the better of us. Practice makes perfect as does knowing when to speak up and when to be silent. Thanks for this insightful and inspiring talk.
in my country there is a saying "your tongue is your tiger". It means that you can bring yourself into dangerous situations just because you said something hurtful, even though what you were saying is right, in these cases brutal truths. I've never thought that that saying can be that impactful to our subordinates too. Kudos to TEDx teams to bring up these topic.
Reminded me of "Not All, But Definitely Most CEOs are Psychopaths" :)
Bad ones= yes
You don’t need to work with psychopaths to know this. You just need to be a decent human being to know that you want to be authentic and convey that in an empathetic way, stay curious and non-judgmental, in order to build trust in relationships
Every person I've ever encountered who described themselves as "brutally honest" was always far more interested in the brutality than the honesty.
Psycho-Paths are actually incredibly honest. But the world is Progressively corrected with How we are supposed to be. This is just my opinion---But I feel this is a perfect example of Respectful Leadership. My X-Con employees run into a few problems here and there. But through my 30 plus years of working management; Ive realized that its just an abundance of over animated stress by lessor quality consorts. Thank you for the video
Psychopathy is the essence of dishonesty and deceit. Everything about them is dishonesty to serve their own needs