How to spot autism in High Masking Autistic Women - What’s behind the mask?
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- čas přidán 1. 05. 2024
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When trying to spot autism in high masking autistic women we have to look beyond the mask. A mask can be like a façade or an optical illusion that looks flawless at a certain angle but on a different angle or perspective, it looks different and the illusion breaks down. Essentially, the mask implies something that doesn’t really exist. Instead behind the mask is a hidden inner experience. The distinction between the person and the mask is it is what is underneath that is the most important thing and this experience needs to be validated.
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🎞️Timestamps:
0:00 Introduction
1:25 What is a Mask?
3:21 What Gaps to Look for
3:55 Talking
4:29 Reading
5:10 Areas of Gaps
5:26 Social Skills
5:59 Knowledge & Understanding
6:50 Inconsistent Capacity
7:07 Burn out
7:35 Uneven Skills
8:21 Inconsistent Executive Function
9:52 Moving Beyond Masking
13:25 Tips for your Unmasking Journey
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![[Raw & Uncut] Autistic Women Reveal the Truth About High Masking - FULL INTERVIEW](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/ZRZVkx9481Q/mqdefault.jpg)
To me - autistic diagnosed 3 years ago at 54 - masking is not only about hiding my weaknesses; it's also about hiding my strengths because they are not always well received. Deep critical thinking, eternal curiosity and precision are skills often respected in theory - but in practice: not so much. This really complicates matters even more...
Amennnnnnnn
@@user-rf4ph7tb2w Why would I want to reverse my autism? Why would you want your kid to obey instructions? All people should learn how to set and respect their personal boundaries - and this is especially true for autistic people. Terrible comment.
Get in touch with Dr imenherbal on CZcams channel... This man help my son cure autism with his natural root and herbs medicine... Till now am totally cured of autism
.......
100% this. I’m tired of NT’s saying they value or look up to xyz, but then ostracize and question, fear, hate those that actually exhibit xyz.
I’ve been a magnet for gossipers and rumour spreaders because I don’t catch the hidden intentions in their socializing with me, because they hate/are jealous of/scared/whatever because I do xyz.
Your strengths are exactly what is going to take you far in the sciences. Have you considered pursuing a science degree?
For those who might still be confused about what masking is, take that “what do I say to that person I like that will sound cool but not weird” conversation you had with yourself as a teenager and replicate it for everything. Hundreds of times a day. What do I wear so I won’t be weird? How do I sit so I won’t be weird? What is the least weird thing to do with my hands while I’m walking? What is the “right” answer if my coworker asks me to join them for lunch? If I go to lunch with my coworker and have to be “on” during that time will I have enough energy to make it through the day without having a panic attack and melting down in the bathroom? If I have to have melt down in the bathroom what is the best “cover story” to tell someone who asks if I’m okay? Because guess what, I’m autistic and lunch was fun but it was just too much, is DEFINITELY going to sound totally insane. This is masking, and it is exhausting.
Wow this is an amazing way of putting it!😊
I think the problem is you think people care. They don’t and probably won’t even remember you were there. As you talk I’m sure they’re only thinking about what they want to say next or stuff they want to do on the weekend. Most people have no depth and are non playable characters. Only about 1 percent are worth really talking to.
@@sparkles999rose2 while I agree that most care more than they should about what others think and most people aren’t worth worrying about, there is a huge amount of social capital to be had by “passing” as normal enough.
I don’t care if people think I’m a bit odd, or don’t want to be friends. But there are situations that if I went “F It” and did whatever seems right I would end up unemployed, disowned by my family, and possibly locked up. The trick is being conscious about when and how we are masking so we can make smarter decisions about what is and is not worth the effort in a given situation. Without that examination we are on a path toward exhaustion, anxiety, and depression.
I needed to read this, I though this was just how every human functions and masking was more like people pleasing. Wich it still is. But now I know I can still mask without the people pleasing.
Btw. People pleasing for me is like doing things for other people to avoid confrontation or because that is the “right” thing to do. So for me that is more an active thing. While masking is more like a hidden thing.
@@joannaisimaginairy2859 I’m glad that helped. I think most people do it to some extent, but the constant effort to figure out how to be “normal” is not normal. It is definitely a journey to sort out what you are doing, when, and why. Then you can start deciding what is necessary and what is just a bad use of your time and energy.
My daughter 22, just dropped her mask and has decided to live authentically. She wears noise canceling headphones, uses a electronic talking device and carries her stim bag with her in public. SHE HAS NEVER BEEN HAPPIER. As her mom, i wish i would've known what she was dealing with so i could have been more helpful. But i am so proud of her.
How do you drop your mask completely? I
@andrealeach What is a stim bag?
@Cyal8rr it is what my daughter calls the bag she puts all her figet and sensory items in.
My daughter doesn't mask around me and because one of my super powers is people pleasing and making sure everyone's all good around me (usually at the cost of my own energy and over masking) it really stresses me out cos my powers don't work on her.
@@celestea_.It took constant metacognition to break it down over the course of months/years for me as I was diagnosed at 37. I'm 44 now.
My doctor won't even refer me to get evaluated for Autism solely because I make eye contact. Eye contact. I'm a middle aged woman with a child and a professional career, how would I have ever gotten to this place in my life if I didn't figure out how to force myself to make eye contact? It doesn't mean I'm comfortable with it. It doesn't mean these coping behaviors don't cost me.
Scientists don't understand neurotypical psychology so they're no where near understanding neurodivergent psychology.
I struggle every time. Am I giving too much or too little eye contact.
@@lish8591 I do too, that happy medium is elusive. But I make my best effort when trying to get medical professionals to take me seriously, and at work. It's a muscle you have to strengthen. It burns my butt I got dismissed because of it!
Oh, that's what my dad told me. GP and "very experienced professor working with autists" both told me in a phone conversation that I don't sound autistic.
I decided eye contact was what I needed to do and I couldn't decide how much was normal so I just went full in. I definitely make too much eye contact
I had an identity crisis for years, because of masking. I didn't even know what I liked or didn't like anymore; and I didn't understand how I was supposed to feel in different situations.
YES! I totally relate to this. 💗
Same. ❤
How did you get past this? I've been struggling with this all my life.
It’s interesting you said “suppose” to feel. What if there was/is no “suppose to”. We all simply like/dislike and feel/don’t feel whatever we do and it’s all valid and okay.
@@rushiaskinnerwallace6175 I think it's more the not knowing what you originally faked, so your not sure what's real or not. For me fixing that is seeing how I felt after, either drained or happy, occasionally neutral but not every time so I could be mindful another time to be able to tell
Behind the mask is exhaustion, anxiety, frustration, an incredible amount of stress and lots of confusion. Feel free to add impostor syndrome, constant overthinking and a never-ending replay of every awkward conversation you ever had in your entire life. Also, that rare peace of mind when you're alone and undisturbed with your favorite thing in life.
I can relate to that.
This is the same for me too …
Yes!
This comment hit hard. I always felt like I can’t forgive myself for dumb things from my past I am always thinking 😢
This is me. The breakdowns after a busy overloaded day. Makes me go back everything I did. Did I say the right thing? Did I seem distant or distracted whilst in an important meeting? Did people notice I was really anxious? So many thoughts and overthinking, I just feel numb or a crying mess.
I've masked pretty much the last 40 years just to fit in. It's exhausting.
I was diagnosed at age 70. I always felt there was "something wrong" with me but my mother said "Girls aren't autistic". This was years ago. When I was told I was in the spectrum, I felt free. I knew it was true. It fit. It made sense.
How did you get the diagnosis at your age?
@@elizabethlaren4503 why would it be different at any age? Look at the comments. I m not the only one. If u r autistic. U ve been autistic all your life. I went to a psychologist for my diagnosis.
Wow, I feel as if I'm on the spectrum..am 65...have always felt there is something wrong..have done a lot of masking..I became a Nanny...always felt good with children..I will get a diagnosis...
@@Susianna74well, I'd have to say OBVIOUSLY there's a difference or I wouldn't be asking? I don't understand your hostile response.
@@elizabethlaren4503 there is nothing obvious about there being a difference.
Autism tests are conducted exactly the same on adults,whatever their age.
If you want more information about testing, l would suggest Googleing for it.
I was hoping that you will talk a little about the specific masking traits in women.
I teach college classes and I see different patterns in my female and male autistic students. The female gender has a higher demand for being social in a sophisticated way and most of my female students on the spectrum have mastered those skills: they know how to hold a conversation, how to respect the pauses and the turns, they produce the "right body language" when holding a conversation, make perfect eye contact when needed and they use it to reinforce their point.
Their peculiarity mostly comes out as a shade of anxiety. They suffer more than the other gender when they don't perform at the level that they want (mostly because they didn't fully understand the exercise because they are always perfectionists). They perfectly mask their frustration (expert actors, compared to males), but that makes them more vulnerable and susceptible to depression. It is also true that most women on the spectrum do not disclose it in an educational or professional setting.
Yeah there was no content here specifically about women with autism.
You literally described my life in the way I *hoped* the clickbait title of this vid would
I was recommended the book Aspergirls for details about this. Given one of my traits is a desire to dive deep into learning rabbit holes, I do feel it wasn't as detailed and scientific as I'd have liked, but it's something.
I’m female and I don’t even bother to mask. I have no social life and no desire for one. I have to cut class sometimes just to get my homework done because the high anxiety levels at school make it impossible for me to study.
You just described my life. Thank you.
Sometimes it's hard to tell how much is anxiety from a traumatic childhood, my ADHD or possible autism. It seems like there can be so much crossover between the three in terms of trying to interact with other humans in a way that isn't stressful for me or off-putting for them
I agree tremendously. I just want to validate - these same confounding factors are very confusing for me, as well.
Yes it's almost that when you consider all these things the diagnosis autism becomes questionable itself. To me it seems more like what we call autism is made up of many different conditions. At least the milder versions of it. Another diagnosis for something, so the various causes of it - yes there are definite causes, some of which ARE known - can be more easily hidden and never addressed. Instead people are content with wearing some label.
You have hit the nail on the head for me. My thoughts exactly
@@3313xx I don't know that that's true. I think you're right that sometimes people hide behind labels and muddle through, doing their best - independently of resources for their diagnosis - to compensate for gaps in capabilities and/or seeking grace and support from folks around themselves.
But having a collection of symptoms one is aware of, one can experiment to tie them to diagnoses that may help understand the root cause, might indicate what strategies could be helpful, like of those that are helpful for folks who also struggle with similar symptoms for similar reasons. Of course, each person's struggle & situation is unique, but if I have astigmatism and I'm far-sighted, I need different glasses than someone who's just far-sighted, so the context of knowing I have astigmatism helps - because other people who have astigmatism use lenses that are curved to counter the unusual shape of their eyes, so (in this example) I should see if that helps me.
Many trauma factors can have intense impact on various aspects of behavior & cognition; yet if anxiety and trauma triggers are tied up in how someone has been treated or outcomes of certain experiences as a result of... lack of compensatory skills or self-awareness, then...
I'm realizing it sounds like I'm in favor of masking, as if "behaving differently will mean better outcomes (inherently)", but that's not what I'm saying at all. The challenges that we face, whatever our diagnoses, are real, even if one takes away the standard of "fitting in". Learning skills that feel right for handling, e.g., executive dysfunction & sensory overload can mitigate the self-image of not being able to take care of oneself or do things one wants to do - an image which is often born of our own or others' perspectives of past experiences.
I hope that for some, getting connected on the basis of shared experiences can help build skills and confidence that dissolve, over time, their held self-images that sustain the severity of anxiety and trauma responses.
(This is not all to dismantle your comment; just writing it out is therapeutic and I think multiple paths are valid.)
*I feel this in my core.*
As an autistic woman, who spent 34 years wondering “what the hell is wrong with me?” - thank you for this! It puts into words so many things I cannot!
YES! I keep asking God, what the hell is wrong with me! THANK YOU!
I was fifty before I was diagnosed. It explained my entire life, and now I can’t stop reflecting on how different it would’ve been if everyone would’ve just known. I was always accused of things, but never asked why I did them. The diagnosis changed every single aspect of my life, in a good way.
I've spent 40 years, my dad would not allow my teachers to test me, they would tell him " she tries SOOO hard, we need to find out why she is not doing well" and he would move me to another school. I have always thought he was autistic. Then, my second child was so obviously autistic, diagnoses officially at 4. He is 19 now. It's been a hard road to finally try to take care of myself and thrive through the therapies set for my son!
I’m wondering…how do you go about even asking for a test? How are you tested? I’m so worried it would look like I’m trying to get a diagnosis or that I’m diagnosing myself with Dr. Google if I even bring it up to my doctor.
I just want things to make sense!
I wonder if virtually 80% of women are autistic, and this label autistic is really a normal person, trying to fit in, get along, not be too weird , not be too mannish, whatever. I've listened to several videos, about how autism looks for women, and so much of it sounds like facing sexism in the workplace, and anxiety that so many people have, thought-trails, to fit in... the only thing that seems off, is when someone autistic say they might be jailed for being themselves. I would not equate criminal behavior with being autistic. People know right from wrong. If it takes alot of effort to choose "right", to avoid arrest, jail, I'm thinking that something more sinister is going in, like an extra layer, different from autistic. This is a deep rabbit hole, and exhausting.
When a therapist told me she suspected I was autistic, and I shared this with my colleagues, literally EVERY SINGLE ONE was like, "Come on, Jess! No way! That's crazy." And then I had to kind of defend the fact that maybe someone had seen me in a more real way than people who really "know" me. It felt very backwards.
The thing is, I don't really want or need a label, but I would like a bit more space for my weirdness.
Nobody understands why it's so hard for me to function in an open/flex workspace. Where do I sit every day? Where do I put my things? How am I supposed to feel comfortable and be productive there? I don't need this daily wildcard.
Why do we always need such bright lights on in the room? People turn lights on for me, like I am not a full grown woman who can choose to sit in the dark if I like. I can see just fine in dim lighting!
Why can't restaurants have drink menus and give me time to read them? How do you expect me to make a choice right when I sit down, especially if I don't know what all of the options are? And why can't people understand why this stresses me out?
And, seriously, is it so strange to be articulate and love public speaking/facilitating, but dread large social gatherings? They're totally different situations.
I've just been labeled as a highly quirky and vulnerable diva, but I wish sometimes people would recognise that it is also really uncomfortable, draining, awkward, or even impossible to have to do things a certain way that doesn't come naturally to me.
Thanks for the venting space.
Thank you ❤
Thank you for sharing. I can relate!!!
The approach I learned was to say, "A lot of people struggle to see it in me now, but if you'd seen me as a kid or a teenager, you'd have had no doubts. I've worked hard and come a long way in seeming like someone merely quirky."
That answer has proven effective, *finally.* Maybe it'll help someone else, too.
❤
Same here, I love public speaking or being on stage with something I'm confident about, but I'd happily forego large functions / gatherings for the rest of my life... except for those around special interests. 😂
My sister is a high masking autistic person, and although she got diagnosed in high school my parents hid the diagnosis from the rest of the family (even me)and wouldn't accept any weaknesses or additional struggles she faced. It took me until we were both adults to really start to talk to her seriously about her experiences. I only wish I had been more help to her when we were younger because I love her more than anything and I wish life in our society wasn't so hard for her 🥺❤️
Aww,what a lovely sister she has.❤😊
Loving the Mononoke picture ;3
@@loramaxwell1456 yes, my sister is a lovely sweetheart, and very capable, but she is so tired all the time from the effort it takes to mask her autism every day 🥺
I’ve got a “normie” sister. She is the best. Sounds a lot like you. Keep up the caring. 🥰
I'm masking so well I don't even know it myself apparently
🥲
😆 Yeah!
Me too, but I'm getting better at knowing myself and being myself.
🤣 same and so well that I passed the ADOS (deemed not even level 1 in spite of elevated score on other social skill assessment). I guess being a verbal processor deems me sufficient at communication but ny husband disagrees. My younger son was finally dx at 15 with ADOS and he has the same learning profile as me. Go figure. The test is flawed. They literally gave me a 40 something toys and picture book. I work with DD. I know how to use these developmental tools to teach social skills. My older son was dx late too because none of the assessments are for severe ID and the down syndrome is a mask. He was 11 and had to get it from primary dr. ICD dx not DSM.
That’s a way better approach bet you’re way more successful than if you didn’t overcome it.
Just a note on therapy or seeing a mental health professional: if you're autistic (especially if you're not aware of it yet) it could be quite damaging to be "treated" for anxiety/depression like a "normal" person would be. My mental health worsened progressively with therapy as I just learnt to mask more and more and ignore my limits. The therapist would always push me to socialise and exercise etc. even when I was saying I had no energy or socialising made me feel really depressed, because there's this theory that exercise and socialising are cures for bad mental health. I think the cures for bad mental health in autistic people are acceptance, stopping masking, removing sensory triggers, plenty of alone time, and probably various other practical things depending on the person. There are therapists out there with a specific interest or expertise in autism who won't try to make you normal.
hi, someone with depression & probably autism (as i can't explain why I'm so weird if it's not because of that)
I agree to you and after hearing about your struggles with therapy I'm glad I had a therapist who did not push me into this direction (as i had therapy before where i learned that this is important for my health), though I still struggle with the same you struggle with. Maybe i should seek an specialist to diagnose me so I can learn accept me more the way I am.
And they are quite rare unfortunately... a therapist who can't adapt his strategies to their clients's needs is not a good therapist... even with a gazillion PhD's !
This is so true and I feel like the depression and anxiety I exhibit is literally due to being undiagnosed and masking. Literally. Like I don’t want to hear I have depression anymore. I’ve always been told wow, you know everything you need to do, but you just can’t? By therapists and at emergency intake. The struggles of undiagnosed autism and adhd my whole life have built up to adulthood su*ci*al ideation and depressive behavior . But we need to adress the route!!! Desperately
Being at group therapy after emergency intake, hearing everyone talk I felt like I already understood all these things, everything about “why not to be depressed” , I waswell enough to understand why I should survive etc. It’s just so hard evedyday living like this. That’s what depletes me. I left medicated and better, but the episodes, burnout, overwhelm, and pain still stays.
This. With social anxiety as part of chronic anxiety, it just feels like you are under a microscope, with a beam of light on you the whole time, when you try to do anything social. The one thing that always gets me most upset is to look stupid/foolish in front of others because maybe I missed a social cue, or I start to jabber on too much - too involved in my own talk to realize I've lost my audience. My whole life has been like this, but I am in the process of getting help after being diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, among other things. I would advise getting the diagnosis first and then referrals for appropriate therapists after. I also think I suffer from RSD(Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria)on top of my ADHD/Autism(going to talk to the therapist about this) and because of that, it makes me feel very nervous to even go to therapy sometimes in the first place. I always worry about saying/doing the wrong thing, or annoying/pissing off someone even though it's not intentional. I've had some childhood trauma(molested when I was 9)that has been a lifelong issue for me as well. 51 now and still trying to get things sorted, but all of this has been with past therapists not trained to deal with my particular issues, and the issues my ADHD/Autism has caused my whole life. Bombed out and school, work, and everything and was so frustrated with why because I didn't understand back then. I definitely mask to try and cope, and try to pretend everything's well but it's seriously not. This has impacted my personal and professional life over the past two years as things have worsened. But I certainly agree with you about getting diagnosed first so as not to allow more damage. Sorry for the long response.
The planning and sketching, it hit me. I rehearse my entire life before I actually live it. If I have a busy day ahead, I’ll wake up at 2:30 AM when I don’t have to be to work until 7, so I can plan my day and any conversations and confrontations I may have.
With my art, before I start a piece I have to build it in my head. It takes days and days, and I can’t start to physically work on something until it is complete inside of my head. My head is where I keep the original masterpiece, the tangible piece is just a reproduction. 😭
This just sounds like someone who strives to do a good job though!
@@Liusila 🫶🏼 since I wrote this comment I’ve been diagnosed with OCD so it makes a little more sense now 🤦♀️😅
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My daughter is a high masking autistic woman. She was not diagnosed until she was 33. Most people had no idea she was autistic until life got so stressful her mask started slipping A LOT. When she gets really stressed, verbal communications is one of the first things to go. Inconsistent skill sets is another clue. She is really good at certain things - most of the time. She has trouble figuring out statements without the full context being given. We both are learning a lot about each other. I am probably her biggest advocate, but the whole family (except my late husband) is willing to take into account her needs. When she needs to escape the noise and crowds, we make sure she has a quite space to escape to. If we are out at an event (shopping, concert, restaurant, etc.), I know to make sure no one is behind her, we are close to doors, I watch out for signs of meltdowns and get her out of the situations, I have found my hearing has sharpened as she is noise sensitive. I am just so much more aware of MY surroundings so I can help keep her from becoming overstressed. That way SHE can enjoy so many more things without the added stress of having to try and mask.
Beautiful and loving. Thank you for sharing. ❤
Your daughter is so lucky to have you 💕 I wish my parents could be like you, even just for a slight moment. Everytime I'm on a meltdown and started to cry, they're getting angry of seeing me instead just because they think it's stupid for an adult to cry (I was 24)
damn i wish i had a mother like you mine just thinks those things are something out of my comfort zone that i need to get comfortable with and gets annoyed when i cant hide it anymore how uncomfortable and stressed i am. But im happy i got finaly diagnosed so she may start to understand me better through it hopefully.
You're an amazing mother.
@@someoneyoudontknow8372 same
I'm almost thirty, and I just blurted to my mom the other day that I think I'm autistic. She just said something like, "I think so too, in retrospect." I told her I was relieved to know this about myself, and she was surprised and asked why. I said, "It's a relief to know that this isn't all my fault." My failures aren't all on me. They're also the result of trying to fit a square peg (me) into a round hole (expectations)
Literally my story!!! This was me a week ago!
I can relate to this, it's very similar to myself. I prefer to refer to myself as a star-shaped peg though 😉
I'm so glad your mother validated your thoughts! 💕
@@cavedmanjim249 Why are people obliged to find where they fit? And people can excuse themselves from anything they like. Life isn't a game show.
@@chancerystone4086 The life you are implying is one where somebody else supports you so you don't feel "obligated" to show up for anything. Am I right? Is that how you live?
"I'm myself....when I'm by myself." She and I said it in unison. 💯!
As a woman who always felt completely "outside of everything" and constantly thinking that something is wrong with me, I can say that there seems to be more to that syndrome than meets the eye. There are special human beings on earth that just dont fit into this sick society. And there is a constant effort to push people into a specific direction, giving them a "diagnosis" and a"label" to live by. And I say NO to that.
I am me, I am unique and the fact that I dont fit into society doesnt mean that Im "on a spectrum". It just means that I dont function as a system would like me to. And that doesnt mean that Im something to be found in a medical book. Dont belittle yourself! You are right and wonderful just as you are. Its the world around you that fell off track and your inner voice and guidance shows you that. So be authentic, be yourselves, dont be afraid to do and say what your inner voice tells you and youll see that everything will change for the better.
Love to all of you ❤
Thank you! When I say similar things I get accused of hurting autistic people...as if the label is of the utmost importance. I'm not denying or dismissing anyone else's experience. _My_ experience is mine alone, and I can call it whatever I like. Or nothing at all!
So I'm a very high functioning autist. I had very neglectful parents and I have a very independent non-confirming personality anyway so I really didn't give a shit what other ppl thought of me. I just accepted that I was weird and moved forward in my life. There was even a period of time in my teens where I had no friends and instead of focusing on it, I focused on my studies and on creating my own art and poetry. Learning to not have to worry about masking for others really did make my life less difficult. I am part of Gen X though and that generation was all about accepting the weird. I was lucky and found a bf/husband when I was 21 and he was just as weird and awkward as I was. Because we had each other, we didn't really care what other ppl thought about us. We've been together now for 20 years. We both love weird ppl who are weird like us. When you show others that you don't care about masking, they also let down their masks. Learning to not allow other ppl to control who you are is critical for actual freedom. Be you and you might find the perfect weird person that totally gets you.
GenX too. You just described my life.
Blessings
This is great advice, creates win win situations for everybody who is willing.
@umiluv if you're willing, can you share how you developed the skill set not to care about other people's perceptions of you? I could really use any advice/your mindset you're willing to share🙏🤞🥰
The most beautiful thing I've ever read❤️
I’m genX and waiting for the neuropsychologist to set up an appointment for an Autism test, and must be on at least some levels high functioning if not others, but I find a lot of dislike of that terminology. Yes I can see where that term could be misused against people, but really can’t any term (I remember the sarcasm that could be put on the term “special “ as in Special Education and too be fair it’s an imprecise term). I still think the term is useful in a practical manner, obviously others may need more consideration in certain areas and that doesn’t mean I didn’t have struggles related to Autism (if that is indeed what it is). Perhaps I had kinder people in my youth, it only really hit me as an adult.
I remember sitting on a curb with my highschool sweetheart 20+ years ago sobbing and finally blurting out that I wasn't like most people and that I thought I was on the spectrum. He was truly a sweetheart but could not fathom that I could possibly be on the spectrum. No one in my life would. In my mid 20s I worked at a school for students on the spectrum. I had no prior experience. My 2nd day working the teacher who I was assigned to was on vacation for her daughter's wedding. The day before she gave me a quick rundown of the students and their names. So on my 2nd day there the substitute teacher knew nothing about the students. At lunch she pointed out to me that a 2 yr old named Bret would not eat a thing. Bret had Down's Syndrome and was also diagnosed as likely on the spectrum but young to diagnose. I remembered the teacher told me he would eat 2 things. Mandarin oranges and graham crackers. I looked at his plate and instantly thought well the substitute teacher broke his graham crackers unevenly. Maybe that's the problem? I gave him some new ones and made sure to break them evenly. He ate them and then ate his mandarin oranges. This type of experience repeated in different situations with different students at the school. Within a month I was told they wanted to move me to work in a different classroom. I was told it was the most challenging student in the school. Which is not the best thing for staff to say about any student. I didn't kmow what to expect. But I didn't find the child that hard to support. I just watched him closely to learn his specifics. I don't think he was on the spectrum but the professionals didn't know what diagnosis to label him with. I developed quick reflexes and knew when to put my hand on the wall or the table before he was about to bang his head (hard). Within about a month the permanent knot on his forehead disappeared. Then the staff asked me to help out with older kids (age 8 to 10) who were bussed from mainstream schools to have a social group 2 days a week. I had excelled working with the younger students. But was not very useful helping in the social group. I ended up quitting that job like I did most of my jobs, but just waking up and not calling in and never ever going back. The adults exhausted me.
Anyhow like I said I am positive that no one who kmows me would think I could possibly be on the spectrum. In fact if I told people I have long suspected that I am, they would think tjere was something else wrong with me for thinking that I am on the spectrum. I was even a theatre kid in highschool. And some people would describe me as solitary while others would describe me social. I remember one time at a family gathering in my aunt's yard, people talking about being introverted or extroverted... when I said I am introverted that aunt was surprised and said "I always think of you as very social." I blurted out "I'm just an actress". I dread making social plans where I have to show up and my favorite birthday plan is to not be obligated to see anyone because I may not feel up to socializing. My ideal birthday plans would be aomeone else having a birthday party of their own with mutual friends and family so I could maybe show up late and then leave early to be alone.
Anyway this video popped up and so many things are refreshing to relate to even things that I didn't think of as part of the reasons I have long suspected that I am a high functioning (when at my best) woman on the spectrum. *Refreshing may be a poor word choice, but still.
Sidenote thought that just popped in my mind. My mom has told me how I didn't speak in kindergarten until about halfway through the year. I had been speaking in full grammatically correct sentences since I was a 1.5 year old. I insisted on wearing dressed to school every single day. Even in Midwest winters. I would agree to wear jeans under my dresses and snow pants. There was a time we couldn't find a school library book that was due to be returned to school in kindergarten and I must have so distraught that mother actually let me stay home from school the next day. She did not do that unless I or my sister were legitimately sick. She says that evening we found the book right there on the shelf were we had taken each and every book off of the shelf. I don't remember this. But when she tells the story, she thinks it was some type of act of God so that something bad didn't happen that day. This is not a typical thing for her. When I hear the story I always wonder if I hid the book because some event was happening and I didn't want to go to school. I was a straight A student except for math courses. I remember in 1st grade everyday I went to the school nurse with a stomach ache. Every day at lunch time.
As I got older I think I just learned how to 'act' 'normal'. At least to the point where people just saw me as quirky. In my teens I was not a conformist and looking back that seemed to attract peers. I think eventually I went from being seen as quirky to 'unique'.
I'm not sure why I'm spewing all of this into the internet comment section.
I'll stop here.
Thank you for sharing x
@@Martha7247 thank you Martha.
Thanks for sharing! I found the part where you were paying attention to what was going on with the kids under your care that others missed especially interesting.
I do the same, oversharing detailed stories in some comment section. I'm diagnosed with ADHD and probably asd/aspie too but I didn't pursue a diagnosis yet cause the pursue of the ADHD diagnosis and treatment left me tired, and because it's expensive too. I'm currently spending a lot in medication and therapists but I don't like to go to therapists and I struggle a lot with that, always wanting to quit. My perfect birthday would be alone or with 2 people, but probable alone dating something I like, simple. My last birthday I spend it with friends and then I had to recover from it for a week not leaving my bedroom. My other birthdays I spend them with my family masking a lot and pleasing their desire of a birthday with cake and celebration included, toast and all the special moment. My mom is all into that, and I couldn't suffer more being the protagonist and having to mask so much, more than a regular day. Ice cream on my bed, comfy clothes or naked, alone and in silence, is the best plan for me (Hypersensibility to noice and fabric).
Thank you for spewing all of this!! You have helped me SOOOO much! And I wish you all good things in your journey.
(Plus it's probably good for you to share it? This community is here for you 👍)
This video actually brought me to tears because I’m always in pain from not having people ever understand me and everything I continuously going through, especially when I’ve been trying to heal from all the trauma I’ve been experiencing with my CPTSD and my anxiety from abuse I suffered from the hands of narcissists that exploit me in so many awful ways. From family friends and sometimes strangers too. I always feel like I have to hide my soft side and show a more happier side so that people don’t take me the wrong way as people always do. So now I just isolate myself so that no one can come close enough to me to hurt me anymore. 😢😢😢
I’m sorry xx ❤ I feel that way too
you are writing my story too. i understand and i love you
The only problem is it hurts to feel alone
Are you aware of the works of Anna Runkle (Crappy Childhood Fairy on CZcams - don't be turned away by the name, lol)
...or any of the following books? Knowledge can set one free (though frustratingly it has to be turned into action first, blyeh)!
*The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma*
_by Sean Pratt, Bessel A. van der Kolk, et al._
*Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving*
_by Pete Walker, Paul Brion, et al._
*Healing Developmental Trauma: How Early Trauma Affects Self-Regulation, Self-Image, and the Capacity for Relationship*
_by Laurence Heller, Tom Perkins, et al._
*The Narcissistic Family: Diagnosis and Treatment*
_by Robert M. Pressman, Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman, et al._
Best wishes in healing, I hope you get to feel truly free and safe again someday, I really mean that.
I am so sorry you have had to endure this. I pray healing over you in Jesus's mighty name. Amen
I’m a 37 year old male. I was diagnosed with Level 1 Asperger’s when I was 19. I don’t think it was really known how bad masking was at the time. I think I was even told I could live a more normal life. I built some beautiful masks. Skill acquisition was a coping mechanism. The act of studying soothed me, and I couldn’t tell anyone why. Masked so well, I couldn’t even tell myself. Through my twenties and early thirties I spent countless hours repairing masks that had little cracks. Even learned Kintsugi in real life, so that I could repair my masks in my mind palace. I thought they were more beautiful because of it. Things started to get bad on the outside, things my masks couldn’t protect me from, and some of them broke beyond repair. I had to unmask unintentionally. I didn’t even know what was happening, but I definitely knew something was happening. I unmasked to someone that unintentionally taught me to mask from a very young age, and they denied me acceptance in that moment. I threw myself into old cycles of pain and negative thought loops. It wasn’t until a complete failure of communication with someone else I love that I decided to start talking to someone. They sent me down a path that lead me to rediscover masking. This time there was a different perspective. I couldn’t believe what I was reading. The imposter syndrome I felt as an artist and scientist started to make more sense than I wanted to The truth was clear, the masks never worked and would never work. I found my collection of masks that I was blind to. Some masks I made before I even knew what mask making was! I found them hidden eventually with help from a therapist. It honestly feels like so many mental blocks I’ve had my whole life are gone. I’ve started finishing projects I’ve had on the back burner for years and I feel genuinely myself for the first time in maybe forever. Like I’ve been dreaming my whole life and I finally woke up.
I can relate to much of what you are describing. I am so happy for you and the freedom you are discovering. .
This is the most elegant description and so very remarkable prose. I hope you are doing a lot of writing because it would be an awful waste of such talent as yours.
Thank you for sharing this. It is helpful in so many ways. We feel very encouraged by your brave journey.
Thank you xx
This is me. Academics is safe, true and established. It’s a safe mental space to explore and wonder. Sad that others don’t appreciate the beauty we must hide
I've been autistic forever, but my mom didn't tell me until I was in my thirties, and she learned about it when I was in kindergarten. I don't think I learned how to properly mask until I was in high school, and that's basically when the bullying stopped. I learned how to be "normal" through reading and movies oddly enough. Real life people are way too complicated to understand, so I learned to understand them through fake people.
I have a feeling my mom knows and never told me
I learned all my social skills from books and movies too.
I teach social skills to 3rd and 4th graders. I would love to hear and understand your and other’s perspective on how or what you learned on your own.
It's one of the reasons I watch shows like Gilmore Girls... it's like a how-to for being a charismatic, socially celebrated woman lol
Wow that’s wild!!
The “I’ve hidden myself so well that if I were to tell someone my true self they would not believe me” hit hard. Happened when I got my ADHd diagnosis, despite having a family history and multiple warning signs that were not addressed.
I've hidden myself so well that I'm not sure what my true self even is.
@@CoryTheNorm I can't tell if I'm rubber I stuffed into the mold of expectations that'll spring back or if I'm metal I melted down.
I'm so confused about myself I feel like I'm going mad. 😂
Seriously though, I try to "be myself" a bit more and people pick up on it like "why are you doing that/acting that way?", people simply don't understand that's just how I am when I'm alone >
I feel like I have to hide/mask my true self. I’m 49 and starting autism testing in the next 2 weeks (sooooo elated to finally be at this point). It’s so deeply hurtful when you want to be yourself and have conversations with people you love (ex. my 26 y/o daughter), and be told that if this is a deep conversation, it ain’t happening right then. So I have the courage to be me, and then the brick wall of “being yourself is not ok”. I have to take into consideration that she too has adhd as I do, and after a long day she has no ability to go deep. But that’s just me. So in order to not have to feel the inner embarrassment and shame of saying something at the wrong time or with the wrong person, or scanning their mood before opening up or not using too many words, and getting to the point, and studdering or forgetting my thoughts or words…..OOOOPHHH😢, I would rather just not open up at all.
But instead of accepting that it’s all me with a “problem”, I also see where her meltdowns or overstimulation can make it hard for her to mentally think. However, being rude or ugly to someone with any kind of handicap, whether seen or not, is about that person and how they choose to treat others…not always about me doing or saying the “wrong” thing.
I listened to the first 10 second and KNEW my husband needed to watch this! I'm 39 years old and was just diagnosed with Autism this week! I cried tears of joy at my diagnoses appointment. I felt SEEN and HEARD TRULY for the first time in my life! Validated! My spouse hadn't believed over the past 3 years since I realized myself I was Autistic. WE have one son who is also Autistic, one undiagnosed and potentially one more who is just a toddler. It's heavy in my family. Which made the lack of support even harder. But I'm here now!!
I don't know whether I'm autistic, but I suspect I am. What I've thought about woman/man relationships is that men fall in love with the person they imagine us to be and then are surprised (and sometimes not pleased) when they find out who we really are. But I was married for a long time to a man who I now believe is quite narcissistic. So now I don't know whether it was him or me or both of us who had a disorder.
I didn't cry the tears of joy you describe...but only because I was masking! And there was a huge smug sentiment of "Hate to tell you I told you so" in relation to everyone I told I thought I was autistic who didn't believe me, thought I was lazy and looking for excuses, or, even worse, said stuff like "Yeah, but then we're all a little bit autistic, that happens to everyone sometimes". Question of degree. Most people don't need a holiday after socialising for an hour.
My mom will "believe" me when I tell her my diagnosis, but when I tell her the specific things I struggle with, she tells me I'm just making excuses. It's extra frustrating because she'll validate all her coworkers and the people who work under her, but I'm "just making excuses"
not easy to accept for some, i guess…
Yup! Sounds like some Mom's
It's because she really loves you, not them. Validation of certain things short term causes alot of happiness, but long-term sometimes causes far more unhappiness. Current psych stuff isn't always as helpful as it seems at first.
stop living ( in a nice way ) @@rebekahs9701
@@rebekahs9701 I can't make much sense of your comment
Yes being invalidated is horrible. I told my new boss, who has a masters in counseling and is admin of a public health organization, that I had autism. She laughed and told me I was wrong, she has seen autism and I am definitely NOT autistic. I took an early retirement because of that person.
That’s terrible. A person with a master’s degree in counseling should know waaaaay better than that.
My mom has a PHD and is saying the same thing I been diagnosed ADHD anxiety and bipolar in the past I recently got diagnosed and my mom said I was too intelligent to be autistic ... pisses me off
@chelsietweedy9167 Wow! That REALLY angers & just frustrates me that an academic thinks that way... autistic people are incredibly smart. Many believed Einstein was undiagnosed autistic.
They say language is linked to intelligence so when people don't speak much or are unable to speak or socialize well, people assume they lack intelligence however it is also known that when one part of the brain isn't utilized as much, it is typically because another part of the brain's processing/ memory is being maximized
Wow, what a shitty university, that gave her a degree in psychological science! I learned in LPN vocational school, in 1996, that the last thing you do is invalidate someone in such a way! Sheesh, she should go into something differnt. Hopefully her duties are administrative only, and thank God you know better❤
@@chelsietweedy9167 aspergers(sp?) syndrome is on the spectrum, no? Use that line the next time she says something like that!
I've always considered myself a "chameleon" because I can adapt very well to my environment as not to stick out (if I don't want to). Now I realise that's what you'd call masking. I'm a doctor and a big part of my skillset includes communicating with my patients. I've been told I'm very good at it, then people don't understand why they can't even interest me in a night out or a dinner or a restaurant because "I'm such a sociable person". But I'm not at all actually!
I'm also more and more aware of my sensory overload when it comes to touching too. I thought everyone had it and didn't realise that people didn't necessarily mean for me to be uncomfortable when they touched me casually. Communication takes a big energy toll from me and I often need to recharge my inner self generally with music. I like people but from far away. I like to study them and their reactions. I can analyze things that most would consider morally wrong without judgment but get overly sensitive about something much smaller. I've always known I was "weird" and it was fine by me but discovering myself through the lense of autism has been a revelation.
When you talk about the gaps in the skillset I think it's difficult to grasp for NT People especially when noone including yourself is aware of your autism. I remember my sister thought I was lying to her about not understanding very specific things because I was such a smart child for so many things. She understands now.
I think the thing that also helped me understand I was on the spectrum is working with autistic kids. I could connect to them so easily!
Can I ask you about your experience as an autistic medicine student? I learned recently that I’m autistic, and my dream had been to be a doctor for years. I know for a fact that I’d be great at it as well, I work really well under pressure, am very precise and accurate, got great memory and solid communication skills, especially with vulnerable people thanks to my autism. But when I try to study, I get so immensely anxious I can’t sleep at night and I spend all my time studying until I burn myself out and can’t wake up in the mornings… I don’t know any autistic doctors, so if you have some time I’d like to know how it was for you :)
@@happyjellycatsquid Hi! I think the difficulty about autism is that as it's a spectrum we don't express it the same way at all. I'm also French so the way my medical studies went may not represent what happens in your own country. During your studies there are two main things : the part where you study and the part where you put into application what you studied with patients. I never overworked myself studying because I found it ineffective. Regular studying was the best thing for me. I told you I'm french and in France med students have a weird and really bad way of studying. For example most people didn't attend the lessons. Out of 180 students we often were only 20 to 50. The rest relied upon the written material only (but what a loss). Things may be very different in your own country. Having a good memory will definitely serve you a LOT. Considering the sheer volume of knowledge to absorb, it's a great strength. I've known people like you who don't respect their sleep schedule to study but you can only go on like that for so long as you said it yourself. You need to consider that you need to know enough to pass but if you have a good memory that part will be covered. What you can keep in mind is that it's a job where you never ever stop learning. What you didn't pick up immediately, you'll pick it up later.
The part with the patients is also something that can be learn. If your communication skills are on point, it will help you tremendously. It's something I struggled with for years before perfecting it.
Each year you will gain more responsibility and you will have to take action for your patients with more and more freedom. While those things happen progressively you have to be ready to take that responsibility. You said you preform well under stress, that's a very good thing because you have to keep your head cool and think, especially when working the ER.
It's a beautiful and fulfilling job although it can be challenging, consuming and even distressing. I encourage you to pursue that path if it's what you really want. It's not a smooth sailing but it's rewarding and I've never regretted choosing it.
This is me almost exactly. 14 years as a federal agent. And I find I can connect even better with neurodivergent people. My friend and her 5 year old autistic child are staying with me temporarily. This child has gone from just an occasional word to using actual phrases and understanding directions to engage in simple tasks. It's quite remarkable, actually.
I’ve always called myself a chameleon because I can blend into any environment or social situation for awhile.
I have many of these traits as well!
My mask was so good, even I didn't think I was autistic for the longest time, and even when I started noticing the symptoms in myself, I blamed it on other mental health issues. It wasn't until recently 2 years after I was diagnosed with ADHD, through learning to understand how my brain works and how to meet my own needs that I started to accept I'm AuADHD and accept need to accommodate my own needs because nobody else was going too unless I accepted myself.
I thought masking was when i try not to rock back and forth in public. I am realizing it's also: focusing on areas of my music interest that don't make me seem too strange; hiding how much I struggle to function in daily life; mirroring the body language and conversational style of people I talk to to an extent; assuming the expected tone and mood for an encounter, deciding to smile rather than smiling spontaneously; feeling like I'm larping as a normal person in office environments; trying to keep to fewer words and summarize what I'm trying to say, as I naturally tend to talk a LOT. Keeping unpopular opinions to myself. Not arguing with people (who i am not close to) when they say things that i find questionable from a factual or moral standpoint. Not letting on when my social battery has run out. Disguising burnout. Controlling my posture. Going out more than i'm comfortable. Drinking to socialize even when i don't really want to, because socializing without drinking is hard. Pretending not to feel like an outcast. Become a work lunchroom bookworm and getting stuck sitting alone, which mskes you feel too visible, but also not wanting to start a conversation because conversations can be tedious and hard work, unless the topic lands on your special interest, in which case you risk coming off as weird. Feeling like when you've had two to three conversations with each co-worker, that's sufficient, and now you don't really have anything to talk about. Not really feeling comfortable with light chit-chat, so you're not really in on the office banter. Pretending that you wouldn't always rather be home, focussed on something interesting to you.
"feeling like I'm larping as a normal person" felt that.
I am recently diagnosed in my senior years. The pain has been living an entire life being accepted with my mask, only. Never really knowing who the real ME was underneath. So grateful to be on this journey now, at age 69. Thank you Paul, and bless you for all the healing that you give.
Same here and accepting we were only accepted for our mask is something I’ve found I’ve had to almost grieve for, and still the people closest to me, apparently, don’t acknowledge me as I am so there is real loss to unmasking, but the benefits far outweigh any losses which really, once you get through it, weren’t real anyway :)
I am in the exact same situation. Happy to know I am not alone in this. It feels great to be unburdening but also very difficult to share with some people in my life who still would not understand or accept the ASD me.
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@@autumn5852What does unmasking look like? Is it just the act of telling someone that you have autism? When I do that it seems to quickly get swept under the carpet.
@@MsDamosmum it’s hard to answer, but I can say that the response I get when I tell people is they either brush it under the carpet or they don’t know what to say or they treat me like I’m stupid or similar, but their response didn’t matter too much to me when I started telling people, it was for me, and I wanted to let people know that autistic people exist and we’re not the stereotypical image you’ve been fed and maybe this made me feel a bit safer, like I was breaking down their expectations of me and I also want to make it easier for the younger generation to be themselves.
So it’s a process. I got comfortable with telling people while at the same learning as much about me as I could and what I could and couldn’t change, or rather, what was worth changing and how to live with the rest in a way that supports me.
It really is a long process and one that takes dedication and discipline but it’s more about unmasking to yourself, then you will naturally be unmasked around others. And in the meantime, work towards minimising the stresses, eg, social situations and deal with them as best you can whilst working towards living truly as yourself, which means we have a responsibility to get on with others and understand others etc, and to behave well towards others, while remaining true to ourselves and getting on with ourselves etc.
I think that ultimately, nobody who isn’t autistic can fully understand us, and they don’t need to, but those who are interested will take the time to get to know us which can be a beautiful thing for both people, but for that to happen, I think we first have to know ourselves so that we can be confident in who we are and know a little bit about non autistic people, as they can have different values etc, so know a little to protect our natural vulnerability’s or our generous natures in such a conditional world.
Just take it easy and know that it takes time and over time you learn more and more and each step is a gift, even when it follows, which it usually does, a melt down, shut down or burn out of some kind to different degrees, if we learn from it and are always working to build our lives around our needs while having the up most respect for others around us also. That may mean we spend more time by ourselves than we might first think is good for us, but for me, alone time is when I’m at my happiest because it’s when I’m relaxed and particularly if I get to spend daily time outdoors in nature and connecting with nature.
I’m still in the process but it’s going well and I’m managing to be aware of things that I didn’t think I’d be able to, so it’s a surprising journey as well. Best of luck X
I've always been confused by the sentiment that it's "harder to diagnose" women and young girls. It really is not!!! I don't care how many people this bugs, because the ACTUAL problem is that *no one* looks to help the little girls who can't sit still or is checked out mentally. Those girls just get scolded by mum and dad for telling the teacher they're having a hard time focusing.
For nearly 2 decades, I've struggled to keep up with studies, work and bills to absolutely no success. Deep debt for impulsive decisions. Also I learned I've been masking my symptoms to the point my doctors won't take me seriously. They add on that I "never showed signs" as a child either so to just practice meditation for general anxiety and to stay off google lmfao.
I didn't even realize it was called a mask until i found How To ADHD last year.
Growing up, my bio dad was/is bigoted against mental healthcare, he used to berate me for making "weird" noises or hyperfocusing to the point of not hearing him. He wouldn't have no "r" word for a kid, so I did everything I could to be a kid he wanted.
I trick myself into believing im NT until i catch myself making those "weird" noises now that I'm on my own and no one can yell at me for being me at home anymore.
i went off a little, but I'm getting tired of hearing people say little girls are harder to diagnose. They're just easier to invalidate.
Eta: since people seen ADHD and assume I'm lumping it all together, try again. I was just listing a channel I watch that happened to cover both topics and made me see I likely have both.
And thanks to those who keep reiterating my point while forgetting that girls just had to learn how to mask much sooner and are written off if we don't conform to a male diagnosis. 🙃
Very well said, and very true.
We are easier to invalidate but also we are harder to diagnose because the traits are based on symptoms more common in males. Our symptoms are not in the official descriptions as much and the "male" symptom descriptions don't match us as much. This makes it harder for even someone who is not invalidating to diagnose us.
@@Catlily5 See!?!?! You've literally proved my entire sentiment. You just invalidated my experience, and went on to recap what I said anyways. This was my entire point: "Males are easier to diagnose because they're the only ones we look to treat"
ETA: girls are forced to mask the same symptoms they display as little boys. was the rest of my sentiment. I've been masking since I was 5 and first screamed at for not paying attention to the teacher. meanwhile my best friend got all the support and accommodations HE needed the moment his attention slipped off.
"the ACTUAL problem is that no one looks to help the little girls who can't sit still or is checked out mentally. Those girls just get scolded by mum and dad for telling the teacher they're having a hard time focusing."
This is/was also a problem for guys who are sufficiently high-functioning, or at least it was up through at least the 1990s (maybe less so today). Speaking from personal experience.
{not harder to diagnose - easier to invalidate} truth
I was 56 when my therapist suggested I look into ASD. I had always felt there was something wrong with me and I could tell there were gaps in my social skills. I have a very strong inner critic and have wasted so much time placing myself in 'no win' situations to avoid being seen, but wanting to be seen at the same time. Exhausting!
Wish people didn’t feel the need to “mask.” You are fine just the way you are. Let’s move forward as a society toward acceptance ❤️
I'm a medical doctor, and when I get home I literally screech when I'm super happy. My husband sees this side of me and is completely accepting. However, I know it's not socially accepted, especially for a doctor and would seem childish and make people think I'm not qualified or intelligent
If only it was that easy
"By definition, successful high-masking successful people do not look autistic" I've been struggling with other folks (mostly acquaintances) accepting the idea of me as autistic because "you've always seemed fine", so this was really helpful to hear today.
I mean it’s so detrimental to autistic people as well. I’m going to be doing neuropsychological testing hopefully, and I have a feeling that I might be. But then I say the same things your friend said to you. But then when I listen to this I can so relate to a lot of the functioning aspects. So I’m sure lots of people who may undiagnosed autistic are kind of doing the same things to ourselves 😢
I guess if someone says "you've always seemed fine to me "then you must be completely normal. Good luck!
They don’t understand what goes through your brain and how much over thinking you do.
It annoys me when people go oh I do that too and I am like no you really don’t not like I do.
We're all autistic apparently
That is ME!!! I am social sometimes. But always crash and need down time. I'll go 'dark' on friends and then call again. I used to be afraid to explain because I didn't know what was WRONG with me. For the last three days I've been mush! Busy 5 weekends straight. Afraid to leave home. Go to work. Pretend everything is 'normal'. No desire to chat face to face. Just feel like I'm imbetween worlds.
Well said.
@@joycebrewer4150 Thank you Joyce. Weird...feeling understood...
Yeah same. I‘ve had a few stressful weeks at school and now really need some alone time. If you can take some time off. If you can‘t maybe call in sick. Pushing through the struggle doesn‘t help it will just build up. I don‘t know if you are open about (possibly) being autistic but telling the people around you that you need time and why you do can help.
@@myfirelsjourney947 could you elaborate?
"just feel I'm in-between worlds"
I can relate to this so much 😭
As a non-neurotypical non-autist I'm somewhat disappointed that the video wasn't about autistic women, nor about identifying autistic traits. I'm really in this topic to understand people, and as I've heard, autism manifest differently in girls or women (or both).
After being friends of a guy for 9 months, we started dating, and I started to unmask in front of him. He started to make questions like "Why are you acting like a robot? You know you can be yourself around me, stop acting differently" and "why are being so rigid? It worries me that you dont like changes, because what if we live together and I want to switch the place of the sofa?", and after trying to answer all of his questions, he would still say "You can change, I believe in you, you shouldnt limit yourself"...I felt so invalidated, and the fact that he was my first boyfriend and the first person I let in, makes it all worst. I broke up with him, and he kept saying he didnt understand why, cause he really coudnt understand my struggle. It was bad, but Im better now.
I didn't find out I had autism until my eldest son, now a doctor of psychology, told me I am. I was 60. It's impossible to raise children without them seeing the mask slip occasionally. I found it difficult to go to the movies due to the volume, and would often "go to the bathroom" just to escape the sound. I would have to go to my room to have some quiet time regularly. One of the first things they learnt was to keep the noise down so as not to overwhelm me. I'm hopeless in social situations as I often offend people. I always thought I was just an introvert. I was a bit worried about what was wrong with me when I had no emotional reaction to the death of my parents.When he told me he softened the blow by adding that I was amazing to have coped so well. I have a lot to be thankful for, and proud of with my kids. In fact I'm lucky I had them as they are the only people I like to be around. Maybe age has made me scrap everything and everyone that caused me to have to work hard on the mask.
Wow... I also had no reaction when my parents died. I also have two brothers who have died, a grandmother, etc.... I have never cried for a person who has passed away. Only for pets. I guess I feel like people who die are lucky: they are unconscious and no longer have to struggle. Life to me is at times a thankless joke, so that probably explains my reaction (or lack thereof.)
My kids are the only people I want to be around too. Which the rest of my family does not understand.
I really struggle with the concept of love when it’s not attached to attraction.
In my head I’ve always felt like I don’t love my parents, I know this is a horrible thing to say but I don’t really know how to feel it. Even when my cat died when I was a kid my sister thought I was heartless because I didn’t get upset.
But on the flipside I have enormous bouts of emotional dysregulation because of my ADHD, usually lots of anger, but also if I fall in love with somebody I turn into an emotional wreck.
I’ve been training to be a professional actor and I can put myself in emotional state by thinking about certain things but there’s a real lack of continuity with it, sometimes it happens sometimes it doesn’t. I think this might be another example of where ADHD sometimes cancels out autistic traits possibly, I’m not sure
Sorry, aware my example is a bit different. I think I understand what you’re saying, I’m not entirely sure how upset I will be when my parents die
Thank Goodness for your ability to not project. I had an issue with smells and the stress would be overwhelming.
I'm 48 and a teacher. It's been an exhausting life. My gaps show up by me saying I'm tired or stressed, and people close to me don't like it. I can't blame them because I'm not being honest and I'm unwilling to unmask for even 5 minutes or tell anyone, not even my husband. I shut down completely when I come home and people don't understand why I don't like meetings in the evenings. Lately I've started dissociating at work and needing more time to complete tasks or feeling like I'm going to fall apart in front of my students. The reality is so different from the illusion I think it would shock and terrify everyone who knows me. Thanks for listening, people of CZcams
As a 47 year-old woman recently diagnosed with autism and ADHD and a teacher too, I can relate to what you are saying and I am with you. I perform like a comedian in front of an audience and at the end of each class, I feel drained. I now master my role : a mix of a stand-up comedian and a TED talk expert with an atypical personality, coupled with the girl next door kindness. My students usually like me a lot but the mental cost is immense for me. But the difference between before my diagnosis and after is that now, I am proud of who I am beneath the mask (it is mainly there to hide the fatigue, sometimes the lack of interest or the stress of being the center of attention) and I let my autistic and ADHD self express more often without fearing to be seen as I truly am because there is nothing wrong with who I truly am.
My mom tried to push me into becoming a teacher and I just knew it wasn't the job for me. I'm way too tired being around ppl all the time. And I hate public speaking. Sorry you went into a field that drains you like that.
I feel this way sometimes too as a mom when my child demands all my attention (especially when they are young). It's really draining but you power through for a few years because you know setting up those years is critical. I don't know what grade you teach, but setting up a time for you to have a break in the middle of your day would probably significantly help. I would make sure my son napped or played quietly in his room for 1.5 hours in the middle of the day so that I could get the much needed recharge.
I left teaching and thought I'd be able to drop the mask, but it turns out I'd been masking so long I had no idea who I was. I ended up in another profession with another mask. This video's idea of unmasking process with other videos sounds like a good place to start.
Gosh, I wish I had some amazing advice, but the truth is, I am in a spot pretty close to yours. I have told a few close friends and family. I was honest with a boss, but that did not go awesome. I guess I would say, pick the person who has lovingly talked about your gaps and tell them. Wish you all the best.
@@anabelle1508 I have taught in different environments (including classroom) for 30 years. I relate to this so much, I’m almost shook by this. Whoa. Thank you.
Hi I'm Belle
I got diagnosed at 3 year old. I am now 25 and still don't understand why I was born the way I am. Just seen this video and so glad I've found it. Still working on
I was diagnosed as ADHD at 70, 3 yrs ago from testing for memory loss. This explains why I never fit in and was a loner most of the time and still am. I don't talk much and can't hold a conversation for more than 10 minutes because of inability to focus. My masking is short bursts of lively greetings to strangers pretending to be normal but being impulsive sometimes I say improper or weird things and embarrass myself. Since I don't fit in I spend lots of time with my many species of pets which is fulfilling for me. I can go weeks without any personal verbal exhanges with humans. All my friends and family communication is by text and emal which is all I need.
I'm unsure if I'm autistic or just very introverted and trying to function within a society that wants everyone to be extroverted. What I do know is that I've been masking all of my life. When I was a teenager my mom compared me to a chameleon, because I always adapt to situations as I feel I need to. But it's all an act, a 'mask' I put on that drains the energy out of me. I'm good at small talk with strangers because I've learned what to say and do from observation. I'm also good at talking about things that I'm knowledgeable about. I'm bad at interacting with casual acquaintances I haven't quite figured out yet, because I haven't figured out what kind of mask they're comfortable with. At least I can be myself with my husband and dogs. They love the person behind the mask :-)
Exactly me… but it was a very close friend who compared me to a chameleon as a teen. I just assume that I’m introverted but extroverted when needed (although it is exhausting). 🤔
One thing to be aware of is that developmental trauma can also lead to masking. And all that's necessary for developmental trauma to occur is for the childhood environment to be "emotionally malnourishing". There doesn't even have to be any overt abuse or dramatic neglect. It can be as simple as one or more of the parents being absent, unavailable, or even just having a physical or mental disability, or carrying past trauma themselves that they spend a lot of energy coping with, even if they are loving parents overall.
A decent resource for exploring this possibility is Anna Runkle (Crappy Childhood Fairy on CZcams).
For more of a deep-dive if you determine this might apply to you, books likethese will likely be helpful:
*The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma*
_by Sean Pratt, Bessel A. van der Kolk, et al._
*Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving*
_by Pete Walker, Paul Brion, et al._
*Healing Developmental Trauma: How Early Trauma Affects Self-Regulation, Self-Image, and the Capacity for Relationship*
_by Laurence Heller, Tom Perkins, et al._
*The Narcissistic Family: Diagnosis and Treatment*
_by Robert M. Pressman, Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman, et al._
(That last one isn't entirely what it looks like, as it also explains that even children of households with no narcissist present can end up with the same form of trauma, for instance due to the potential emotional non-availability of a busy single parent, or one with with substantial disabilities, traumas, or other weights on their shoulders that prevent close, healthy positive connection with their children on a regular basis.)
I am seriously crying here reading these reply’s I’ve masked trauma all my life I’m still doing it. I feel because I wasn’t believed and the trauma got hidden to this has upset me because this is all so true it’s mind blowing ❤️
@@cliftutone difficulty though is that...practically all ASD or ADHD people - particularly those not diagnosed until later in life - will have trauma.
Thank you for this. I feel seen. I do not have a diagnosis, but I was misdiagnosed with bipolar at 13 and correctly diagnosed with ADHD at that time as well. My 6 year old son was diagnosed this year with ASD 1 and ADHD hyperactive type. I understand him, I get him. I have been asking ever since his diagnosis, am I autistic? I think I am. Watching this gave me an emotional reaction.
At family gatherings, I did not fit into the men watching sports or the women gossiping in the kitchen. I felt happier with the children who were doing fun, interesting things. I myself prefer younger activities
🎉 me too :3
I too didn't fit neither with men nor with women, but additionally, not with children either... Just with animals or books.
@@asdanute animals, nature, books, art, and small children when they're honest and curious and before they learn to lie and manipulate
In highschool right now and the girl i like is like this. It was very confusing why i was seemingly ignored at times but still felt she had a level of interest, also explains why she would leave me on read, explains so much, i still like her of course, and ive even kissed her once, yesterday as a matter of a fact, but wow, explains a lot.
Your willingness to be vulnerable to help others is something I value and try to do myself. I think you are a really amazing person to care about others like this to make all these videos
I was diagnosed at 18. I had to learn to take my masking on the “professional” level because of abusive family members. I’m so normal now that even my therapist and my psychiatrist said that I don’t look autistic, and they worked with autistic people. Their statement crushed me, because for 18 years I was an outcast, and I finally was able to understand why is that I’m different from everybody else only for my excuse to be taken away from me. I’m still trying to find my true self, see past the mask, but it’s so difficult then all you’ve know your entire life is to hide yourself.
P.S. I spoke to my therapist about me being autistic, and she accepted that it was her mistake, don’t hate her pls
This is exaclty where I'm at. My mother was hyper-analytical and noticed the slightest details, so I became _perfect_ at masking. Now it's hard to feel like I belong in the community.
Daaamn...... This is awful, to think people would do that to you, or anyone on the spectrum. The closest experience I had was masking a whole bunch in school. Full support all around, I hope anyone with this experience can find themselves. Their True Selves.
Of course it is just like you (and me which is how I know) to go the extra distance in not generating bad juju on someone we don'tknow and who made a mistake, how completely thoughtful 💜
EXHAUSTING is the word. All can be learned and done, but at what cost?
@@lezbeehonest0294 Was she autistic too?
I'm a 41yo woman, and I have genuinely believed I'm autistic for nearly 20 years. I gave up seeking diagnosis in my 30s when I encountered pushback from psychiatrists and psychologists, AND people I loved. Being good at masking is a blessing and a curse.
I'm 40 and haven't tried to get a diagnosis because I know I mask extremely well and have never had much success with therapy in general. My daughter was diagnosed at 8 but if they'd relied only on current observations she probably wouldn't have received the diagnosis. I and others needed to describe her issues prior to me making efforts to teach her tricks to work around them - because I had already learned those tricks myself!
It was still noticeable enough that a school teacher requested she be checked, but it was a close call!
Yeh it's really hard when your psych people don't believe you. I have a lot of symptoms that are related to Autism and ADHD but have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. Thos are definitely real but as I'm healing the depression and working through the anxiety, I'm finding that some of the symptoms are actually becoming more obvious (social anxiety, issues with communication, sensory overload) and are not explained by the type of anxiety I have been diagnosed with. I've stopped asking my psych questions about them because she just dismisses them to anxiety/stress. Other things have helped with my wellbeing though like learning self-acceptance, how to set boundaries and finding coping mechanisms/alternative approaches to doing work stuff. Videos like this help to understand too.
I am 52 years old and it never crossed my mind that I could be autistic until about 8 months ago I was doing an extensive amount of research on the subject because I felt my son was on the spectrum and I wanted to be prepared when my son was seen by the neurologist. After doing that research I started to think that maybe I too was on the spectrum. I am currently under the care of a psychiatrist as years ago I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety but even though I am on medication, my problems still do not seem to be going away and things seem to be getting worse. My doctor doesn’t even want to consider that I might be on the spectrum. At least I was able to get my son diagnosed finally. I just hope I can now get myself all figured out.
I brought up to my family that I thought I may be autistic and they laughed at me and said no. There's no way... My daughter has been professionally diagnosed with autism hers is very obvious she goes to speech therapy and they still don't think it's a possibility even though autism is most likely partially genetic
@@naomimc7726 Your comment was like reading about myself! I'm in the process right now.
I have dropped my mask a bit with feeling like I have to maintain a demeanor that makes everyone else around me more comfortable but now I’m finding that people don’t want to be around me. This journey is so hard and confusing, I’m struggling so much. It feels very unfair and insurmountable to stop doing something you’ve been doing for 30+ years. Writing this is hard I fear that someone may see it which is insane since I live a super solitary life. I hope this makes someone feel less alone in the confusion surrounding dropping a mask.
Be true to yourself no matter what
❤
I will always mask. Since I don't really understand social norms, I try my best to learn them. I'm not as good at it as I wish I were, but I try. The world is very unkind to those who don't fit in, and it's a duty to try. The rest of the world isn't obligated to cater to me. Thinking that the rest of the world should totally change to suit you is a narcissistic point of view. It won't work, anyway.
I've lived by fake it til you make it. At 46 I'm still faking. I never knew it was called masking. Thank you for the lesson ❤
I am a woman with autism and this is pretty accurate. Especially the part about wanting to be social sometimes, and alone other times.
Introvert or extrovert?
Get in touch with Dr imenherbal on CZcams channel... This man help my son cure autism with his natural root and herbs medicine... Till now am totally cured of autism
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That's everyone, what specifically makes your experience of that different?
@@juanquntos7123 in the video, he mentioned how people will try to invalidate someone’s experiences with autism. This happens often with both autism and ADHD. When your reply to someone’s description of neurodivergent (autism, ADHD, etc) traits is “that’s everyone,” you’re invalidating their experience. Instead of invalidating someone’s feelings and experiences, try to understand and learn. I say all of this as someone with ADHD and most likely autism, although I haven’t had an official autism diagnosis yet.
@@catgirlmsu It is everyone though. There is nothing people with ADHD or Autism do what normal people don't do from time to time. Neurotypical people, though, have the cognitive tools to deal with these things, so they have control over them so they don't interfere with day-to-day living. People with neurological disabilities have more difficulty and need more time and support in developing these tools.
I got a new therapist about a year ago, and mid-way through my first session, she asked if I was autistic or if I’d ever been screened for it. I’m 56 years old, and to be exploring this is fascinating, sensory-overloading, and validating! I also feel really vulnerable, but I’m enjoying the journey, so far.
Get in touch with Dr imenherbal on CZcams channel... This man help my son cure autism with his natural root and herbs medicine... Till now am totally cured of autism
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I posted a comment in response to "Pigeon" above. I'd love to know what your thoughts are... I can guess since your therapist recognized it, that must have been liberating.
Check out Dr Tony Attwood's youtubes on Aspergers in girls. WHen my daughter was diagnosed at age 12, I was doing some research ,found these and was going OMG this is ME!!!!! A couple of years later I got my ASD and ADHD dx at the age of 53.
Same here! Started seeing a therapist 3 years ago at the age of 58 and after 2 sessions she asked if I'd ever tested for autism. My eyes welled up . She asked what my emotion was at that moment and I told her I felt seen . It has helped me understand so much in life.
I was just diagnosed with autism in November at 21. I went overlooked by teachers because of my perfect grades and the fact that I never caused trouble at school. But I always felt different. I knew there was “something wrong”. After first learning about the clinical definition and symptoms of autism, some of what I heard was relatable. But by then, I was a junior in high school and had learned to mask, especially my stimming behavior, even with my family. By last spring, I was suffering from burnout and had become depressed and overwhelmed. I researched the more personal experiences of autism and realized I related more and more to it. Finally got diagnosed by my amazing therapist who also was diagnosed with autism as an adult. Just getting the diagnosis put so much of my past into a new perspective. Now, I’m working at learning to give myself opportunities to unmask. Thankfully, my family has been very supportive and have even learned a lot about this neurodivergence to better support me and be patient with my quirks. My journey has just begun but this is the best I’ve felt about myself because for the first time I’m able to be myself without judging myself.
I always thought i was stupid for my gap in knowledge and understanding but hearing that used as an example is literally so validating
As an autistic person, this speaks volumes to me. I began masking at a young age, probably in elementary school. It started off as something minor like observing people and their behaviors, then it went into copying other people in terms of body language and facial expressions and gestures, forcing eye contact, and later becoming a people pleaser and acting hardcore. All of these things made it so that it’s almost as if I either don’t know anything about myself anymore or I feel like I’m faking it and it’s kind of affecting my mental health. I’m only 17 and I’ve recently started accepting being autistic and with that, it’s allowed me to start being more honest, open, self-aware, and not trying to mask as much.
I can understand hiding/masking your autism from people. I have IBS, as well as autism, and when a friend who also has IBS, told me not to feel ashamed of being unwell with it, I still find that difficult to agree on that, as I've heard people say mean stuff about my symptoms, when it's flared up, so I've got my reasons to feel more protective over myself, than I should be.
I am autistic and female and I have masked to an extreme amount most of my life. To the point where I prioritized it over things like passing exams at university.
I have a much older male friend who seems to be autistic and seems to have somehow figured it out quickly. He himself seems not to mask except specific situations. And he got angry because it's "lying" and "dishonest." I just thought "you might call it lying, but I call it safety and survival." When I was younger and didn't know how to mask, I had no friends and was told I was not human and called an "it" by classmates.
My friend certainly hasn't had it easy, but I can see how some of the things he does, like having a little TOO much interest in a specific topic, limited interest in socializing, oversharing, or describing something horrible that that happened to him with statistics, are far less dangerous for a man to display than a woman. Even though I feel urges to do some of the same things, I fear I would be in danger again if I did. And I think that's really what makes it different for women.
Even my friend masks for important meetings or when meeting someone the first time and I just thought "imagine every encounter is like an important meeting where you must do everything perfect, and that's what being female and autistic is like"
I feel like the video should’ve been called just high masking autism because he didn’t talked at all about the difference in the experience between men and women with autism, but you put it right in just one comment
Or maybe you are just a fake victim acting out your pathetic drama instead of finding God and getting on with it.
😢😢😢😢🎉🎉🎉🎉😂😂😂❤❤😮😮😮😮😮😮😮😮😮😮😮😮😮😮😮😮😮😮😮😮😮😮😮😮😮😮
I agree. This video is not specific to women.
It talks more about masking in general but not how it meets in women specifically.
I got diagnosed a year ago at 38 years old. I didn't realise just how much I masked until now. I've got combined ADHD too. I'm always masking. If I didn't, it wouldn't have been as acceptable in the workplace and I'd be much worse off than a man.
It’s easier for men to get away with being “weird” so of course he doesn’t get why you would feel the need to mask to get by in life.
This whole video just made me weep. I wasnt diagnosed until i was 40. It means so much to experience people caring and understanding.
I had a new member of staff star5 about a year ago. She told me she was autistic straight away, we both agreed to use her special skill set and abilities to full potential. It’s brilliant being able to do this, i can trust that all the fine details will be covered on a particular task where as me, with my ADHD will bounce around all over the place.
I have quite a lot of difficulty socialising, both with strangers, and people I know. I've been to weddings, where you're seated with complete strangers, and never "broke the ice". I've been to workplace Christmas parties, and even though I know everyone, and they know me, I always seem to be on the outside. I don't like being the centre of attention, and not being included makes you stand out. I'm not naturally outgoing, and I can't pretend to be. So I usually just spend the time observing people, and trying to appear "normal" and calm. Eventually it becomes too much, and I leave quietly, trying not to be noticed. For me, the best part of socialising is going home. Also, I find loud places uncomfortable. A group of people all talking tends to get quite loud, then there's sometimes background music as well, if it's a pub or club or cafe.
I've been told my attempts to make conversation with strangers sometimes comes off like interrogating them.
Most of the time I just don't make conversation with strangers. More than how to try to approach the conversation is a learned disinterest. I've found most people I meet have little or nothing in common with me, and I'll never see them again, therefore trying to converse with them is statistically not worth the effort, unless given some indication otherwise (ex: the t-shirt they're wearing).
Earlier this year, I was at a small book store with a friend. There weren't any books I wanted to buy, but my friend bought one and then got into a ten minute conversation with the proprieter. I would have almost certainly never gotten into a conversation if I was the one buying the book. Even though I love books and I'm in a book store, I read almost exclusively nonfiction whereas most people read almost exclusively fiction. They usually recoil in confusion or occasionally mild disgust that I'm reading a collection of essays on Florida archaeology or 400 pages on a Civil War battle they've never heard of. I've learned even my shared love of books rarely has common ground.
The part of appearing normal and calm resonates with me so much that i have to respond to this message! I'm always on the outside as well, even if i know everyone. No one usually knows me, not really, because i have such a hard time showing any of the real me to people. I've kinda just became the most uninteresting, insanely quiet person, who just smiles and nods and watches everyone else enjoy themselves. It is very isolating, and i know that i do it to myself, but i also don't trust myself or others to actually open my mouth and talk. Over the years i've even stopped thinking about the possibility of opening my mouth, so when in conversation with more than one person i never really think about what i could say or try to form any vocal opinions.. i don't really know how to explain it, but maybe someone can relate? Talking in general is something i've always struggled with, forming sentences and also talking clearly and loud enough. I much prefer writing.. too bad i have to talk when i don't want to, bc this society isn't really accepting on quiet, nearly mute people like me... (not mute in the sense i can't speak, but that i don't speak) i'm not diagnosed with anything by the way. I have read and watched everything i've found about autism for almost 6 months now, and am still trying to figure out if I am indeed autistic or just delusional :p
If you can learn to overcome it, then you can accomplish anything. I hated talking to strangers and even more so doing it while in very uncomfortable business casual clothing. I did it for months networking as I was trying to change careers while getting my masters in accountancy. It was insanely draining but absolutely necessary. I would come home and crash. But by pushing myself beyond what I thought was possible, I got all the job offers for the major global accounting firms and most of all I proved to myself that I could do it.
Consider each time you go out as a success. Set a goal for each time and try to achieve it. I look at a lot of this stuff as a game and to see what task I can complete that day. If you continue to expose yourself to something you have anxiety about, you will learn to get used to it. I also learned my limit to socializing - I can only do 3 days of socializing MAX per week with breaks required in between the days. And even then 3 can be pushing it for me depending on how much is going on in my life.
But I will say that showing myself that I can do something I absolutely hate doing really gave me a boost in my self esteem. It no longer held me back. I knew that I could accomplish whatever I set my mind to. And that was really comforting.
@@lumialibra - just like with anything, it takes practice and that includes talking. I like to spend a lot of time alone so I will often talk to myself out loud. I especially do this when I'm trying to think. Maybe talking out loud to yourself about stuff will help with forming sentences. Like you, I prefer to write as well. But it's good to learn to speak. I don't like to keep myself in my own echo chamber and appreciate exchanging ideas with others so that I don't limit my growth. I wish you luck! I totally believe you can do it. Anything is possible as long as you set your mind to it.
"I dont like being the centre of attention. And not being included makes you stand out" - omg thank you so much for so perfectly expressing how i've so often felt!
External validation is nice, but we can't let ourselves get distraught when it doesn't happen. Ideally we should get to a point where we feel secure enough in our own identity that a lack of validation from someone isn't a huge psychological blow. I am who I am whether you choose to acknowledge it or not.
It's not just about validation, but also practical. People you interact with on a regular basis understanding why you do the things you do allows the two of your to interact more effectively.
i love this
this is a very good strategy for yourself, just try to realize there are people who can learn to empathize. cut off the hard-nosed, as i am learning to do. they’ll never understand anyone but themselves or those just like them.
also, a good therapist you feel comfortable with can help a lot, even if you do it with Zoom! just keep up your self-realizations and coping mechanisms and enjoy what you have. have a great day :) 🌹🌱
I don't have a psychology degree, but it seems to me like - other than straightforward causes like trauma or extreme stress - diagnosable anxiety is usually a secondary disorder. Especially more than one type of anxiety disorder. Not being able to interact with the world "normally" causes anxiety.
I think modern medicine in general has a serious problem involving treating the symptoms without trying to fix the underlying cause. See all the doctors throwing pain medication at problems rather than fixing the source of the pain. In psychology, it's focusing on the anxiety and depression without adequately exploring their causes. It's a simple solution that keeps the customer-patients coming back.
@@jliller My degree is in counseling and I wholeheartedly agree with you. Many on the spectrum would qualify for a diagnosis of social anxiety, but that doesn't answer the underlying question of why they are having social anxiety.
This is so helpful for me. I have suspected that I may be on the spectrum for years, but short of identifying strongly with Meyers Briggs INFJ and enneagram types, I was still aware that there was an inauthenticity to the way I was presenting myself. I am shocked but not shocked to find that I relate to SO many of the masking techniques you talk about. This is more of a relief than anything!
I almost cried hearing this. Everything reminded me of myself and my son, who is me in his dad's twin body. I took an AQ test and scored a 41 of 50, but I'm scared to ask for a diagnosis. I see my son living my life with nearly all of my struggles, but not understanding why he is the way he is, just as I did. I try my best to help him fit in, which I now see is teaching him to mask, partly because neither of us has any diagnosis. I hope to get one for him, soon, but his father is not on board for testing.
I really appreciate you bringing up the pain of being invalidated when you finally open up to someone about your neurodivergence
I've spent my 83 years hiding from myself. I finally found myself by wearing a mask, a clerical collar. It gave me a sense of being, a personal identity. This "clergy" mask also gave me a sense of acceptance, of belonging to a community, a family. I don't know how I could have coped with life otherwise considering my several autistic deficits.
@@PsychologyModern depending what they are, that can be easier said than done. Let's not give each other a hard time
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NIGGA WHAT
peace be with you
That is interesting and wonderful! God bless you! I would be very lost without my faith in Jesus!
I had the experience of being invalidated by a psychiatrist when I told her I thought I might be autistic. It was a setback, but I was able to overcome it through subsequent years of exploration and research on my own, indeed validating and explaining the symptoms I have had to mask all my life to try to fit in and be normal.
I used to mask even to myself. But a spiritual journey really brought me out of that. In recent years I’ve studied psychology (neurotypical and neurodivergent) and various religious faiths and I’ve found a common ground, a sweet spot, in the human experience that I just live in all the time now. I mask when it’s necessary and polite (with customers) but I’m fully ok with having problems in conversation and just acknowledging it and carrying on anyway. I used to hide from every awkward moment. Now I accept my reality and, with confidence, I force others to as well.
I masked for 22 years and I didn’t realize I was masking until I was 30 years old. Unmasking is such a process. I’m glad I have people who also go through this to help with the process. I really appreciate your videos. thank you
How can you tell.
I feel like I can read emotions and insinuations just fine, but I often dont know how to react to them.
@@bevs9995 I knew that there was something/someone underneath that I shoved down. I started to go to counseling for anxiety and my counselor has clients with autism. I told him that there had always been a part of me I hid away. It’s only with his help that I realized I was masking all that time. I’m not diagnosed but I work with the symptoms as they come and try to be and accept myself as I discover things. It’s a hard process but worth it
// TW for mentions of abuse please tread carefully, it is relevant to my masking though. // it really is. i believe some of my adeptness at masking came out of the need to survive in an abusive household. i had to learn fast to not act certain ways. fortunately my parents were divorced(i know this sounds weird, divorce is not fun) so i had a safe household. i think part of the difficulty of unmasking for me is the trauma that came from not acting "correctly" and the consequences. it made unmasking feel dangerous. i only really felt safe unmasking once i had processed some of the trauma and realized it was not my fault yhat i was abused
I'm 64 and finally realized I am self diagnosed autistic. (At home we use the word aspie because that's what we're comfortable with...please no shaming.) This has been extremely difficult and yet freeing to deal with. We self diagnosed my husband (76) 4 years ago when our 3rd grandson was born and realizing his older brother is autistic...our daughter also autistic is clueless but hopefully someone in the school setting will tell them (we live quite a distance). But I have masked so well for so long...I'm tired 😫. I was written off as a shy child, slow learning because I just couldn't understand in a neurotypical school world. I'm not stupid, in fact as every good autistic person knows I'm very knowledgeable about specific things but please don't give me numbers 🙃. I finally understand why I will suddenly say something inappropriate in a group and why I have just 1 friend...who is also autistic but she hasn't figured it out living with a autistic husband and grandkids. She sucks as a friend though because she forgets I exist unless I stay in touch. I on the other hand am TOO outgoing and over the top that I guess it pushes neurotypicals away. I'm rambling. These videos have been helping me so much with things like understanding meltdowns and shutting down. My husband is extremely caring and understanding. I cried about this for about 2 months and have finally stopped however crying as I write this. I guess I hate being misunderstood and I do hate the loneliness. Thanks for the videos.
I am 68 and can relate to all you say. My current partner is Autistic though not diagnosed, my son is Autistic and this has led me to see my own autistic traits. I understood that I have ADHD but now that I understand Autism I realize that I am too. So much of my life makes sense when I understand why. Two divorces, lost jobs, so many ups and downs, years of poverty, everything adds up and it is such a relief to know why. I can stop blaming and shaming myself.
@@valf6854 thank you 😭 I do think the world is filled with "us". I look around now and understand why so and so said whatever or is quirky. I love quirky! I also give myself the space that I DO NOT have to speak...I hated the silence and filled it with jabber and usually said too much. The silence was deafening. But now I can sit and I don't have to speak. We also understood that we have ADHD. Daughter was diagnosed in college and we knew I was too but we never put the other pieces together. We just figured it was personality quirks.
I relate closely
It’s called “Bold and Brash” welcome to the club I also like to call it “Braking their chain” if any one your talking to has a weak chain holding their mental strength together we can break it if they are weak
Wow, reading you is familiar. 🙃 Your not alone. Or maybe we are each alone together.
I’m 67 and I have recently been diagnosed with Autism. Reading and hearing about the characteristics of females with Autism I now understand why I have had so many interpersonal difficulties and misunderstandings. At present I feel overwhelmed by this new identity, however what you have revealed has helped me step forward into my new world thank you
Bravo to you! I recently had coffee with a friend who confided that her 60-something mom (my age) had recently begun therapy. She couldn’t figure out why her mom would do that because it was “so late in life, what’s the point”? The point is we never stop learning about ourselves. It’s never too late. Good luck with your journey. You are inspiring.
Bravo to you! I recently had coffee with a friend who confided that her 60-something mom (my age) had recently begun therapy. She couldn’t figure out why her mom would do that because it was “so late in life, what’s the point”? The point is we never stop learning about ourselves. It’s never too late. Good luck with your journey. You are inspiring.
Bravo to you! I recently had coffee with a friend who confided that her 60-something mom (my age) had recently begun therapy. She couldn’t figure out why her mom would do that because it was “so late in life, what’s the point”? The point is we never stop learning about ourselves. It’s never too late. Good luck with your journey. You are inspiring.
Bravo to you! I recently had coffee with a friend who confided that her 60-something mom (my age) had recently begun therapy. She couldn’t figure out why her mom would do that because it was “so late in life, what’s the point”? The point is we never stop learning about ourselves. It’s never too late. Good luck with your journey. You are inspiring.
Bravo to you! I recently had coffee with a friend who confided that her 60-something mom (my age) had recently begun therapy. She couldn’t figure out why her mom would do that because it was “so late in life, what’s the point”? The point is we never stop learning about ourselves. It’s never too late. Good luck with your journey. You are inspiring.
It’s interesting to me how much this video makes me feel seen in regards to my ADHD and seasonal depression issues, where my seasonal depression takes away my ability to use my coping skills and keep any sort of mask up. So grateful for my partners who give me completely unconditional love and support
My entire family excommunicated me when I admitted to my diagnosis. They just dropped me like a bad habit. Saw my brothers wedding on Facebook and months later was forbidden from his memorial service. I still haven’t recovered. Videos like this give me hope. Blessings and well wishes to you all! 💞
So sorry re that. Reach out to friends online and offline for support. Or see if you can get a formal diagnosis so yr family can’t deny you. But most importantly is to be and accept yourself first… x
@@Shelsight I have accepted myself, however it’s challenging living alone without the support of family. I do have an official diagnosis, gave it to them, it meant nothing. My parents and sister didn’t even read it. I was an unwanted pregnancy to begin with, I guess you could say I’m what happens when women are forced to carry to term. 48 years of struggle and counting.
@@cynthianolder3557 I’m still trying to figure it out. My first “temper tantrum” was when they moved me to an old trailer unfit for living (no potable water, no heat, leaking roof etc…). I was quite vocal, yes, I was displaced from my few friends, 30 miles from any town, 3 hours from my hometown, very little cell service, and no access to internet outside cellular. I had some choice words I spoke out of fear and abandonment. Prior to that I successfully masked through gatherings, short visits where I was always funny and well loved or supportive and caring; my two chosen well-versed masks. It wasn’t just me they abandoned, it was my daughter too.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I hope you can find the support your family should have given you.
Wtf? Thats so wrong. .
I’m 22 years old and was diagnosed with Asperger’s at age 5. During my childhood, I was told very little about my diagnosis. Only that it was shameful and needed to be fixed.
As I got older, and tried to fit in, my family believed I had outgrown the disorder. But at age 20, I felt something was wrong. I found the courage to research Asperger’s for the first time and saw myself so clearly in the traits. It also alerted me to how unhappy I was and the huge mental toll of masking over a decade.
I’m grateful to be where I am now, on the other side of a depression and learning to unmask.
Thank you for sharing- I’m glad you’re doing better now.
@@CanadianMonarchist Thank you so much.
I don’t know if I’m autistic, but the same thing happened to me with a selective mutism diagnosis. Nobody told me about it or tried to help much.
Oh my gosh, me too. It's so bittersweet knowing there's someone else out there that has experienced this. But it's amazing that you're getting to where you want to be. 💙 Thank you for sharing your story!
I am so happy for you that you are finding better ways to live and thrive. When most people refer to autism treatment what they really mean is teaching the person to mask and to mask well. “Treatment” needs to be so much more holistic than it has been historically.
The skill regression when you have discovered your Audhd status and started unmasking is a very real part of this. Things you were once able to do "seamlessly" because of a multi-decade mask (that was created to help us cope and manage our way through life) no longer fits. We have to relearn how to do so many things either with no mask or a VERY DIFFERENT mask. So much love and support for everyone going through a late in life diagnosis/discovery and unmasking journey. ❤
The section on reading is extremely helpful. I spent most of my life reading as entertainment or escape, in that aspect it was very easy to do and didnt require much from me, and i often found it difficult to understand why others had so much trouble. I took all information at face value and never dug deeper. When having to read to understand the text, or to write books reports or answer deeper comprehensive questions, i found it much more difficult.
Now that im pretty sure i also have long covid reading is near impossible for me. It takes a significant amount of energy and ends up making me extremely tired. Even at my job as an overnight diner cook, reading, comprehending, and putting into practice the tiny words printed on dozens of tickets every night, sometimes in different colors, sometimes contradictory information, takes much more of a toll on me than i think others can appreciate. I think even reading my comment now i can see the way i write is also a form of my mask. Thanks for the video :)
This is the first year I stopped masking entirely and I didn’t realize how exhausting it was.. I’m so much happier now
When i finally found the courage to speak out and show my true self i was laughed at and not taken seriously because the focus has always been on my mental health. Which has been quite damaging because there is more to me than just my mental health i am a very complex person.
I agree that this is not a video about AUTISTIC FEMALES but rather a male talking about females but venturing back into male or basic autistic traits . I think it is best to have females speak about the female experience. Seniors speak of the senior experience etc.
So grateful to find you here and thank you for your work. I am in the unmasking process and both heartened and also saddened by how I have masked all these years--I'll be 45 next week--and couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. All my make cousins are diagnosed and have the recognized symptoms but I was good enough at school and in a very dysfunctional alcoholic household, so my needs were never up for consideration. I am seeing how I internalized this. Still scared after reading Neurodivergent Rebel's experience with unmasking and facing workplace discrimination but I think I'd rather fight the fight than live in a painful lie.
I studied autism for about a year. In that time frame, I knew I displayed tons of signs and self-diagnosed myself. After that year was up, I told my parents (in two separate conversations). I showed them a detailed list of my symptoms and how I exhibited them. They both implied in their own ways that they don't believe me. My dad just told me that I wasn't. My mom told me that she was uncomfortable with the label and loves me for who I am. It's been over a year since those conversations and I haven't mentioned my autism since. And still, they dont believe me! Yet they question why I have sensory issues, why I shut myself in my room after work, why my tone doesn't always match my words, and so on. I guess I just mask really well (other than the gaps). I don't know what to do to make them see!
Make them read "Neurotribe" by Steve Silberman if they are into reading. I can't imagine being ashamed of being autistic or having an autistic child after that read. Our world would've been totally different without autistic people. I have two lovely autistic/ADD boys who are well gifted and could have contributed a lot to society if we all understood and accepted neurodiversity. Instead they suffer and have to rely on social benefits and their family.
That sounds like my parents after I question them and see if I potentially have autism.
Some people just don't want understand. I've been trying to figure out what's going on with me (I'm some kind of ND. ADHD and/or autistic) and when I mentioned it to my family, they all refused to believe it even though I'd also explained how I'd come to those conclusions. Any mention of either of those things in general is met with sighs because ADHD doesn't actually exist to them and autism is something that needs to be 'seen' ie severe autism is the only tism and there's no such thing as 'high-functioning' autism. Those who claim they have it just 'need to get a grip'. I also can't have it because I've never shown symptoms before (despite my explaining what masking is and that some symptoms are getting worse as I get older) so I've given up trying to get them to understand and just live life
When I told my mother she wouldn't accept it. Whenever I tried to open up about something that I found hard but had hidden my whole life she just waved it away. I couldn't stop talking about my autism since I had just come to so many realizations about myself and she couldn't stop fighting me on everything I said. It became so bad that I told her that I wouldn't talk to her until I got a clinical diagnosis (I was already waiting for that to take place). After 6 months I finally got my diagnosis and when I told her she totally surprised me by accepting it 100% and started to give me the support I needed 😮 Even though she may not always understand when I try to explain something she accepts what I say and try to help me with what I ask. I've had more support from her in the last 3 years than the first 40 years.
I hope that your parents eventually come around too ❤
I feel like they won't believe until you get an official doctor's diagnosis.
Something I recently realized is that, when I am very tired, my voice gets flat. I tend to suddenly lack intonation and emotion in my words (despite definitely experiencing emotions in the moment). It actually kind of sounds like Daria's voice (from the MTV series). I think that is due to running out of energy for a portion of my mask.
I have this too. My voice even starts to go, it gets wraspy and everyone thinks 'I have a tone' as if I'm mad even tho I'm not upset at all.
I do this and use impersonal or distancing words also.
Thank you! I will see more of your videos. I've realized in my mid 50's, that I am neurodivergent/Autism Spectrum. One thing I had not found out until about two weeks ago, was that if I don't have a routine, or a schedule.. I forget to eat or drink.
I will share this video with all my friends. I just discovered this 'masking' is related to being neurodivergent. Amazing!
After my diagnosis (I'm almost 40, diagnosed @ 36) I realized I have non-verbal language blindness. I've always been a big fan of psychological books, biographies and personal narratives because by reading them I'm actually able to process other people's experiences/emotions, and create scripts to react accordingly. I always struggled with identifying other people emotions on the fly. Nowadays I have mental scripts that help 90% of the time but every once in a while, life throws me a curveball and I end up looking awkward, cold or insensitive, even though I am empathetic to their situation but I fail to react/express myself correctly. "Reading the room" has never been part of my skillset.
Before suspecting I was autistic, my ex would call me fake all the time, and it really hurt my feelings and I begin to question my self. Like “am I really a fake person.?Why can’t I ever open up?” I was in a relationship with this guy for 3 years and even had 2 children and could not unmask with him like ever. And it wasn’t because of him. It was me. I can never reveal my true self to anyone and all, and it affects all aspects of my life. I haven’t got a diagnosis yet. But my evaluation appt is next week , and I’m excited
This really spoke to me. I’m turning 40 and realized no one actually knows me and I never tell people how I actually feel. I wish you luck with your appointment.
I started saying, I am a little autistic, a few years ago, because I could find no other way to explain that it made me extremely happy to not see other people, besides for my children, for days and days on end. Especially because I had created a happy, expressive and empathic persona for years. To cope and even more intensely as a mom with small town school life.
Now one of my daughters has been diagnosed and I also realized I had been suffering from extreme anxiety and PTS sense childhood... Such a cocktail... people would always say I was wierd if I showed my true self.
And certain sounds would drive me crazy, I needed air, heat and silence... as a child I would hide in the woods to not be near humans.
I never had stability nor attention as a child and I tryed with all my heart to give it to my children... but I don't know how to say it... I felt flawed. Unstable on the inside.
I try to understand and respect the things that are hard for me now, instead of pushing through or forcing myself. It is very helpful to not feel alone. Thank you all.
I think you are a great mom
And an awesome human being ❤
Attention is shown more than said ❤ If you have tried, I'm sure the kids have felt it.
I was in tears watching video. I’ve been masking since childhood, I’m now in my 60s and just recently self diagnosed. I’ve always managed to mask very well and have always been a high performer at work, until the last two years. I hit a wall with burnout, had a meltdown, and ever since have been struggling with masking my autism. Right now, I’m struggling with whether or not I should ‘come out’ to my boss as it’s the only explanation for my inconsistent performance.
I believe my undiagnosed autism lead to a lot of personal relationship problems and struggles developing close friendships. Thank you for sharing this information. It’s life-saving. I wish I could have known this about myself sooner.
BTW, my grandson was diagnosed with autism at the age of 4. He moved in with me last year and has been a mirror allowing me to see my own struggles.
Wow, this panel has been so helpful for me. And having so many age groups represented here has been enlightening for me. I am 68 and diagnosed myself about 2-3 weeks ago. I did one of those online type of tests that are available, and suddenly it was like a light bulb came on. “Oh, it makes so much sense now!” I come from what I would term as a eccentric family. I’m beginning to believe that there have been many family members who have been autistic.
I had no clue that this was going on, but I have struggled with anxiety and depression, and I knew I had attention problems and can get easily distracted as well a dyspraxia.
I’m just starting on this journey, however I feel so much validation in this. I feel the same, but better informed and have a deep sense of satisfaction.
I have no desire to get a formal diagnosis, I’m no longer in the work place, I don’t feel that I need to include this in my medical record.
Thank you for your insights. I found out at the age of 71 that I probably have Asperger's, which actually came as a relief. I retired as a Full Professor in our Uni's Science Faculty in 2016. When I was a child, I absolutely hated being hugged or kissed by even close relatives, and I couldn't understand why. I was horribly aware that a lot of my contemporaries in school and college found me odd. I read and write, and process data fluently, but my best research ideas have always welled up from my subconscious in a flash, in pictures; it has often been quite hard to invent a plausible chain of reasoning to explain my path from A to B. I find unavoidable talking and socialising (for example lecturing or college reunions) so exhausting that I usually crash immediately afterwards. It doesn't help that I dislike getting dressed up or wearing makeup. Being photographed is absolute torture: my face turns all stiff and rubbery. I also dislike making phonecalls, parties and loud pop music (classical music is usually fine). I savour good jokes (such as The Far Side) but I can't tell them for love or money - my timing's always off, so noone laughs. I love dogs and horses, because they're so accepting, and I really enjoy being out in the countryside by myself for hours, walking, riding a horse, driving a 4WD or riding a quad bike. I also relish travelling in far-off countries where noone has any expectations of me and I can be totally myself. I guess I've been masking without knowing it for more than six decades.
Get in touch with Dr imenherbal on CZcams channel... This man help my son cure autism with his natural root and herbs medicine... Till now am totally cured of autism
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Thank you for sharing your experience so clearly! I connected with so many of them, especially research ideas, getting photographed, and far off countries. I am learning at 56 to put aside the family background - where I was the drama queen and have completely different memories than the rest do. That is past. I have a whole world of people who think I am awesome and I own a business and school for kids with autism. I just was diagnosed with ADHD. It has been a huge relief as well. Also - a joke - what's brown and sticky? .... A Stick!
I’m not sure if I’m on the spectrum or not, just know that there are many traits and issues I identify with, and any of the online quizzes I’ve taken have usually indicated being on the spectrum is highly likely. For me at 71 years of age, that’s good enough. The information I’ve gleaned through articles I’ve read and videos such as this that I’ve watched have made it much easier to understand what may be going on and how to navigate through it all. I’ve probably been masking most of my life but apparently haven’t been very good at it-people have regarded me as a weirdo and an oddball most of my life. When I was younger I wanted to fit in and didn’t know how, but now that I’m older, I pretty much shrug it off and say “who cares.” I feel more at liberty to be myself, but that can be a grace given to older people because the older you get, the more space you’re given to be a little weird and quirky-almost as if it’s expected of older people. Anyway, thanks for a great video.
I have 1 friend in her late 80's who repeats the same half dozen stories any time they remotely fit the conversation around her. I have long since tired of hearing those tales, but I still listen. She deserves her dignity.
From a 51yo, embrace your inner weirdo. It is the weirdos who throughout history are the thinkers, explorers, innovators, researchers, designers artists, philosophers. It's not the worker ants who change the world.
@@joycebrewer4150 I’m in my 20s and I have done this for my entire life. I try to not repeat and get embarrassed when I do, but I have such an obsessive mind and it’s hard to remember who I have already told the story to. Good on you for being patient! I show patience to others when they rant and share the same stories.
Where is the info on "High Masking Autistic Women"? This is all generic autistic masking info and all his examples are from his male POV; nothing specific to how women exhibit or mask these traits or how that differs from male strategies.
This guy is a con
Not diagnosed and not a clinician.
He might be autistic but he doesnt haveany right to talk about the female autism experience
He is so triggering ro me
I'm only 57 seconds in and you already made me cry. I'm 57 and was officially diagnosed a year ago. I told a friend who I thought I could trust and she said "oh no, that's not possible" and it hurt so much. Just a little validation would have helped.
it is all right. people I think prefer to have 'normal' friends, and they don't know that autism is normal - just different, but to be different is normal, because everyone is different :D so they think they actually support by denying.. well, they don't, but that is only ignorance, not ill-will
@@evabekesi8263 her son is autistic with higher support needs, and she literally did the "but you're not like my son" thing. Meanwhile, she has a lot of autistic traits herself.
@@thezaftigwendyPeople don't understand that autism is a spectrum
@@LifeisaBeautifulting 💜
I love that you ask people to validate their close ones. Because most people who are neurotypical & probably learning about this for the first time have NO idea just how incredibly vulnerable people can be when talking about something as sensitive as masking. Thank you.
I'm in my mid 30s and not officially diagnosed, though I've had 2 mental health professionals ask if I am autistic. Watching this video put me in tears. Some days I can effectively do certain tasks, and the next day I feel like a different person with a different brain who can't understand it at all. I can be the life of the party for a night and feel like I belong for a little moment, but the next day I stick out like sore thumb. People often like me a lot at first, but less and less the more we talk. The exact example you used, "AM, or PM?" has passed my lips more than once. The tip for screwing/unscrewing things, righty tighty lefty loosey, plagued me for years. I'd ask, from the top, or the bottom? And people would look at me with disgust or anger because to them, the question made no sense. (it's usually from the top, if you're wondering.) People in school low keyed bullied me constantly, never overtly since I wasn't aggressive or "weird" enough to hate without backlash, but not obviously neurodivergent enough to get the "they're different leave them alone" sort of protection I'd see some receive. It's really validating understanding why my life has been this way. I'm still not going to tell people I am autistic unless I have to, since the sort of person who will take advantage of it is shockingly common.
Entering my adult life I've noticed I have so much less energy and performing around people has been very difficult. In the end I realize every job and situation at work has affected my self-esteem and shown me too many moments where I needed to be home and rest or broke down inside in ways normal people wouldn't understand.
I've always been the somewhat silent somewhat pleasing person in the background and that position worked for me in school, with groups of friends, even in some of the more almost decent jobs I've had. (I don't think I've had a job where I ultimately didn't feel exploited in some way or another but that's another story.) But once I got a job closer to a career where I invested myself more and tried to fit in somehow, I wasn't that person anymore. I thought it was the crowd, the fact I worked from home and no one knew me, the fact I was burned out in the normal sense of the term which obviously led me to be much more burned out as an autistic person on most days, the fact I didn't have the right environment to recover and sleep for over a decade but that's all I could afford, etc.
In the end, I just couldn't perform the same under those conditions. Last summer I spent a month helping, travelling, babysitting, hanging out with people, my first ever vacation in about 3-4 years I think, where even taking a holiday break, and occasional day off or just the usual labor day, thanksgiving, etc. And that month, I couldn't sleep, couldn't rest away from the pressure of being constantly masking, I tried my best, I think I snapped like once for a very good reason, and the cracks in my masks were showing because I was invited to all this by my partner who didn't find the time to be together evenings or weekends until my very last weekend there and everything else ended up feeling quite very much apart, not very intimate, no way to break away from this. Living in a place where taking a walk wasn't very easy because of summer temperatures and the type of closed neighborhood we were in. (I live in a city where nothing is off-limit and I don't have to fear being driven over by cars but that city was very different in that way.) It's hard not to go into those details to explain that all my coping mechanisms and independence were taken away through that context. I didn't feel I could express myself to my partner about what this trip wasn't doing for me, left to my own, I coped in weird ways and I don't know how I was perceived. But after all those efforts I thought still I had been appreciated when being there taking care of the host's kids and such.
That one snap actually left a mark so big I spent the months following feeling unfairly judged and cheated. This was somehow also a bit of a networking situation given my partner is planning to move there and is coworkers with all those people who were essentially friends first. My friends too, at least I thought. But then partner came back to me telling me (in the nicest way possible) that they still loved me but that I was a clear non-fit to the office and culturally clashed with them and blahblah and that all brought back the memories of that 7 year old long job I gave my entire life and personal time to but was also never loved as a person. Even though.. all I did was tell my partner to respect me after he discarded me during a conversation in the car back home. After I'd felt treated badly all day on a day I spent at his office fixing his computer for free during what was supposed to be a vacation (and yes every day was basically like that). It wasn't at work, it wasn't about work, it was maybe a bit to the host/coworker but he also had to yell at his kids and have some situations with his wife that I figured I just asserted myself as a woman, as a human, whatever.
Those things are just unfair. No matter how I look at it. I was never supposed to work there myself and didn't ruin his chances but it apparently was enough you to burn all bridges possible for me to work contract, no one ever talked personally to me online after this, I don't feel welcome there and don't think I'll ever want to visit again, even though clearly I feel wronged by everyone there who failed to see me and failed to appreciate me.
One time we went to a shopping centre during one of their days driving around town looking for rare old games at little stores. I wanted to go see stuff but I didn't know how to ask, I know everyone else was a guy without interest for this and I knew finding each other would be difficult. But afterwards my partner was like "assert yourself, say when you want something". The entire trip I wasn't allowed to say where I wanted to eat, what I wanted to do, we wouldn't go anywhere alone in the weekends. Suddenly it should come so naturally to me to say these things. My heart sank because he had no clue how this was to me... and made no effort to understand that I was so intensely masking day and night that "asserting" myself at this point was impossible.
Anyway. It's hard. He thinks he's autistic a little too, but clearly not in the ways I am. I don't know how to break these things to him without making him feel bad about himself. Pandemic and his increasingly workaholic nature has made communication so hard. I keep tons to myself because I fear his reaction if I don't bring it up properly or he becomes distant.
He thinks because of how I experience things that he's too central to my world. But when my world was more complex with an office job (rather than home job) I had so many more issues and I couldn't appreciate him too often... I have an entire life without the few minutes we chat per day so this is ridiculous. The point is I'm trying to fix my immediate environment to feel at peace and he's part of that even when he's online.
Sigh.. I wish I wasn't myself often. It's so hard to try to be accepted and unserstood by others. I'm so tired of being judged by people who in my eyes, do plenty wrong even according to their own social standards, yet because I don't do things with passive-aggressive gaslighting comments and instead get a little bit passionate and honest when I assert myself, that's uncool.
Sometimes I think it's society that's wrong, not me.
@@almalexiel I feel like we have been living somewhat parallel lives. Exploited by the people around us, be it spouse, coworker or (and I use these quotes with intense bitterness) "friends" who are happy to take from us, but never seem to give back. Who outright seem to dislike us at times, and then blame us for our sincere and equal responses. My spouse was very emotionally and mentally abusive our whole marriage, he cheated most of it and lied to the very end. He never did fully come clean, and he never appreciated the ways I made his life easier, because it was never enough. The scars of his various abuses are burned deep into my brain. It sounds like you're hanging onto your life better than I did. I hope you continue to manage, and aren't afraid to do what is takes to make your life the one you want to be living.
Oh my goodness I've ALWAYS hated "righty tighty lefty loosey", it's one of my earliest memories as a kid, hearing that and wondering if it was from the top or the bottom! I've never met anyone else who was bothered by that!
@@krista8643 yep, l have to think carefully every time, especially when the jarlid won't shift either way! 😂 then l think, "oooh, from the top, from the top, from the top-top" to remind myself! ( a little jazz-thing l made up) 😁 Hope it helps! ↩🧂↪
I relate to this so much. But have had no one suspect I am on the spectrum, which I suspect. I think no one who knows me would think I am.
Righty righty left loosey- yes, I have always thought the same as you about this. It's like saying 'if you want to find the Eastern horizon, look left.' This is true some times but not all the time, position matters.
For the AM or PM thing, I relate except that I am likely to play it off by saying something like 'I assume you mean ___ or do you mean___? I just want to make sure, ya never know'.
Holy cow I've thought for a couple years that I might be autistic but just have in the last couple days taken the time to really look into it and this masking thing makes so much sense to me. I remember when I was young I would study other people to figure out how to act "normal" because I didn't think I had a personality and I was terrified of anyone thinking I was weird. I credit books for getting me through my childhood and a popular girl named Kelly who saw something in me and insisted on being friends with me and was crucial in helping me face my fears of people and opened that door for me to finally connect with my classmates. Looking back was I masking sometimes? Definitely but it got me through. I told one of my friends once years ago that I was "an enigma wrapped in a stigma" cuz I couldn't even figure me out. Now I really see the genius behind that term. Wow.
✌️&❤️
I have problem with socialisation and from time to time I refuse to get out. I knew something was different with me in my childhood without my parents observations and point of view. I begun school at the age of 4 and a half because I could read and write some sentences. Now I’m beguiling to understand how much I have been masking my autism. I like solitude so much. I’m in peace doing art and accepting me more because this. Sometimes I can feel overload with so much noise and people. I enjoy silence and refuse to be diagnosed by anyone. This it’s the history of my life. Thank you for sharing 🙏🏾☺️👌🏾
My wife and I are both educators with Masters degrees in Biology. For decades I thought of her as a person with quirks and wondered why. We both now know that she and her entire family are on the spectrum, and those "quirks" were symptoms needing recognition.
I remember a conversation with a diagnosed Asperger's teen: I asked if he was uncomfortable with my company. His reply "No, you're like me." I didn't know then, but he did! Yes, such a relief to be weird out in the open 😄.
You describe me really well. I get really angry when people tell me I am just making excuses, but social activity completely burns me out
Exactly. Let them think that. Only other autistic people like us can relate to this.
This is an excellent video. I'm a therapist, and I'll be recommending it to both autistic people and to their friends and family members. I'm hoping at some point you'll make a short video of ways to validate autistic people when they disclose. I can see that invalidation would come naturally to people who don't understand masking -- but it might help to have some validating/supporting words ready.