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- čas přidán 20. 08. 2024
- Sorry for the wait for the next essay to those who wanted it, and hopefully you guys enjoy, regular funnies resume next week~
Tweet: / mikasacus
Soundcloud: / user-350829666
Today in good music: / summer-love
Song: Called Upon - Silent Partner
ADHD is like having colored tab stickers in a textbook. You have an important page labeled with a blue tab sticker and you keep turning back to that page frequently for reminders or reference because you struggle to remember this or that from that page. The tab sticker falls off. Do you remember the page number? No? Okay, do you remember what the page was about? No? Do you wanna ask someone to help remind you? No? Is there anything you remember about it?
"It was the page with the blue tab."
why is this so accurate
I laugh but this is so accurate its painful
yea
Omg i feel like its poetic
this is accurate holy shit
Very relatable,except for the littering part
Don't litter people
Indeed
oh bish
I pick up peoples rubbish wherever I go but Paper is about as harmful as leaf litter as long as hes not throwing plastic or polistyrine I dont see anything wrong with it
naive of you take that part literally
Thankyou for this nugget of wisdom
I'll try not to leave people everywhere. I understand they're quite a nuisance and terrible for the environment.
I feel this man. I forget names and faces. I almost never actually listen to my teachers, but still pick up the material through the work. I can work, and math strangely calms me. Listening has been my problem. I can work and do tasks that require more than just being there, but my mind always flows. I cant stop the flow of my thoughts, so I ride the current. Never random, but always flowing with a sort of pattern. That might be why math calms me, the flow without any randomness.
Yes! Its explained in words.
Theres always a string that brings 2 unrelated thoughts together that can be so long that trying to explain to someone how you got there in 3 seconds would make them think you were insane.
Math is the only structured thing in my life. Something I’m proud of. You’d thinks ADHD and math won’t mix, but once you get the hang of it, the hyper focus comes I’m in the clouds.
Bro...
Wtf do I have ADHD?
I don't want to jump to conclusions but still...
I embrace the randomness. I also dont like math haha
My thought pattern is the exact same. I got diagnosed with adhd as a kid but never took medication or therapy or anything cuz my mother thought it's not a real illness. I forgot about it and sometimes ask myself if something is wrong with me. Adhd may be the problem or something else idk what my point was lmao
This is a good way to show the affects of ADHD on your own mental health. Most just show how frustrating it is, cause frustration makes people want to make it. The depression doesn't. but now that you've made it, that reminds me that there is more than just a frustrating side to my ADHD. There is also a depressing side. And the worst part is that you don't know how to stop it, because your ADHD won't stop.
t CANT stope
This is the fact if you take no steps maybe. However medication(at least in my case) is able to greatly help during important portions. Besides that, there’s also good things that can come with or be taken from adhd, not just the bad things
Can’t stop addicted to the shindig
Chop chopper says I’m gonna win big
I have ADHD and this hits really close to home
me too
yea
+ZeIDer/Luke Faranda its sucks am I right:/
yup...
ditto
0:11
"You wouldn't say you're sad that you're alone. You've gotten used to it since the last person you trusted gave up on you."
I didn't expect to get obliterated so early into the video thanks.
It's funny cause I zoned out parts of the video while eating some gummy bears lol
Same
I just realized I was zones out after reading this comment
I was fidgeting with my water bottle.
i was supposed to show this vid to my friend 3 weeks ago but keep forgetting, just got recommended it again while avoiding writing my essay and while watching i zoned out, thanks for the reminder, i have sent them the vidio now : )
All I remember he was on about a girl then the rest go no clue
This channel is seriously underrated
how soon?
now
now²
not anymore i guess?
how the hell did you get that username?
Mika pls your channel is a physological rollercoaster
for real, i was not ready for this
+Captain Batriat Even though this didn't hit as far home as the other last one did but I can still imagine how awful it must be to live with ADHD and admire how people cope with it
This video kinda reminded me of ADHD, even though Mikascus said it wasn't about the disorder really. It's hard for us to pay attention to anything that's not exhilarating or fascinating for very long. In the essay, the narrator stops paying attention when he's being scolded, which is unpleasant, and during the doctor's advice, which is droning and uninteresting.
We can pay attention, it's just that it's hard to do so for everything. When we're passionate we get hyperfocus, which is almost the inverse of inattentivity: we become so focused on one thing we barely notice anything else. This also applied to things that have a strong emotional affect or bond, like the cursed words, "are you even listening?" from the narrator's love interest.
Mutt To be precise, ADD is really just ADHD-PI.
Physiological rollercoaster? Psychological rollercoaster?
As someone who suffers from ADHD I am not sure how I feel about this. On one hand you do get certain aspects right, like the fact that people assume (and I guess kind of rightly so) that you never listen to them, based on the fact that you can't remember what they said.
But at the same time, the attention of someone with ADHD isn't quite so abrupt in it's change. We, usually, don't start thinking about birds and then think about pool tables. There is almost always a flow to our thoughts, regardless of how many and how often they change.
There is also another aspect of the video in which I can't quite tell if you're trying to take the piss or not.
Granted I am a little biased and I am definitely viewing the video through a distorted world view, so I simply may be getting more emotionally worked up that what was intended by you.
Cheers!
Hey there, thank you for your well thought out comment, appreciate it,
I would just say that it could be a mistake on my part, but the title of the video could be distracting from the main message, this isn't a video intended to replicate what it's like to go through ADHD, as it's just far too broad of a subject and different people are affected differently
And no, I am definitely not trying to take the piss out
If I had anything to add it would just be to consider not looking at the title of the video alone when coming to your conclusion about what the video is about
Hope things are well, take care
+Mikasacus Sorry, I just want to see if I interpreted this correctly. Would you say that this video is less about the actual process of living with ADHD, and more about how we as people generally tend to not listen to what may really be important? We claim that we listen to the world around us, but when it comes to things we don't want to hear, like things about us that we don't like, we suddenly stop listening, because it's too hard to listen to. We'll even forget what we heard if it's too much for us to handle. But then it still haunts us because part of us realizes that though we tell ourselves we're receptive, we're really not. Love your videos btw
Thanks man! I will try to watch it again with a more open mind and disregard the title.
That being said, the title absolutely set the tone for my expectations, both personally and in terms of what I assumed I was getting out of the video.
IF your goal was to set a tone of forgetfulness or just the embodiment of not being attentive enough, than the title definitely detracts I think from your overall message or intent.
Again though, I am viewing it all from a biased perspective, and perhaps somebody that doesn't suffer from ADHD or even thinks about it much at all might take it all with a grain of salt and view your video as you had intended.
The term ADHD means alot of different things to alot of different people. There is alot of significance behind the term, so if your goal was to use it as a baseline instead of a definition, then, as you said, it might have been a misstep.
Though, I haven't read through alot of the comments, so maybe most people are cool with it as is. lol.
Cheers man!
Thanks for your well thought out feedback, I'll definitely be thinking about this kind of stuff going forward
cheers
I'm chewing on a spoon right now
just saying,this hits closer at hoem to me
I don't know todays date
I used to take pills,but they gave me paranoia and logorrhoe so I stopped taking them when I was legally allowed to choose
I'm still paranoid though
Don't litter,poeple...
that melody is gonna stick in my head every time i do anything mundane for a loooooong time
god dammit why is this so relatable
When he stopped talking I barely noticed omg
As someone with adhd, this is one of the most accurate portrayals of the condition I have ever seen
the flow of the thoughts, the background music, the cut off in sentences, the distorted voices, the sudden silence, forgetfulness, rambling on without a clear point... It is so SO accurate. Whenever the sentences cut off and just played noise, I knew exactly what was going on. What's happening with the cut on the line, "She said she had some problems with the way you-" is that you don't verbally list the problems she had with you in your head. Instead, you play the memories of her telling you what she disliked and all of the times where that problem was prominent. OR you DONT even think of the memories and you'll simply just *know* without giving it thought because there's no need to waste your attention span listing things you already get the gist of. Also, (keep in mind this is all just my personal opinion) i kind of get distorted voices when I'm starting to lose my attention mid thought when I'm watching a video or if im around other people who are chatting. It all just gets kind of muffled but you can still understand it, however, you can forget it almost immediately when someone asks you what you're thinking about. There's also the times where you know the context of what you want to say and you just need to find words to put it into but you start to forget what u wanted to say after trying to think of how to say it (actually that might be aphasia idk). Anyway, you got this video SPOT ON! It's amazing, great job!! :D
You definitely have to be one of the best and most intelligent people on this site and you deserve way more subs. I really enjoy your content. Keep up the good work, man.
Are you gonna fix my tv?
I'll git er dun
this is so gothic and scary what the hell. it captures it so well
As a person with ADHD, this was very accurate.
Also, I just realized I forgot everything said in the video, except the line "tossing and turning". This is very ironic.
I came here expecting a good laugh but now I'm actually sitting here having a deep analysis aboumy brothers who have ADHD.
Shit Mika keep it up
i have ADHD and for some odd reason this video pisses me off, even tho its perfectly innocent.
I have never been diagnosed but I feel really certain in saying I have it. I get distracted easily and will quickly switch subjects in seemingly random ways (though there is usually a logical connection in my head. It is just may be an odd connection that I would definitely have to explain to people). I am not too bad, it certainly makes me take longer to do school work but I don't really care and I certainly don't want to take a drug for it. I can usually force myself to mostly concentrate when I need to (like taking the ACT) but I will probably still have some random thoughts as well as The Gambler by Kenny Rogers playing in my head. (Other songs as well of course, but that was just one that was playing towards the end of my last test.)
fuck.. this almost made me cry.
ive never had my life explained to me in such a way before.
Mika, i think your videos are really good. i have just one question. how long does it take to edit all of those clips together and then change how you sound?
Hey there, thanks for the nice comment my man! I've never really timed myself but making a video like this could be anywhere from 4-10 hours? That's just a rough estimate though!
+Mikasacus all of these serious topics are entertaining af
Mikasacus well, you make them really well and i like the way you use the different mic qualitys or effects to your advantage
This is extremely thought provoking and relatable content. Thanks for doing what you do!
That time seems about right, great job :) I love what you explore and the way you do it.
These kind of videos you've been posting are amazing. I love coming to this channel for the great diversity in content. Every video like this never fails to give me chills, and your "how to actually" videos never fail to make me laugh. Thank you so much for the enjoyment of these videos and keep up the great work. You deserve millions in your subscribers
Thank you so much, I'm happy to know you get some jollies out of my videos
+Mikasacus I have no idea how you get the ideas for these. They're honestly great, I've made friends and family watch them now
There that constant feeling of "I've forgot something" but you can never quite recall...
This is the most realistic explanation/portrayal of adhd I've ever seen.
I'm so sick of people thinking adhd is this cute "haha sometimes I misplace things and get distracted easily I'm soOoOo adhd" when in reality it's being in the middle of a sentence and stopping abruptly because your brain forgot how to think. It's staring at a wall for 2 hours because your executive dysfunction is so bad you can't zone back in. It's being told you're not attentive enough and you don't listen and you just need to focus more "it's not that hard, just pay attention". It's being told you have so much potential, you just need to apply yourself more. Maybe you just need a little help planning things. Try setting reminders on your phone. Try these organization tools. What about yesterday when you were so focused on that project you forgot to eat? Just moderate it. Come on, you're not even trying. Just pay more attention.
And the only thing you can answer with is:
"Believe me. If I could, I would."
Hey this guy makes some pretty funny overwatch videos! I wonder what other videos he makes.
*watches this video*
I think I need to lie down and think about life for a bit.
I found this to be really relatable and I'm glad you made it c;. I have ADD (not too sure about the H) and I want to focus on what's around me but I always come to pay no attention at all to what I'm looking at. I'm much better at paying attention to the sounds of what's happen close to me, but I still find myself constantly coming back to my own rapidly paced thoughts unless I'm really absorbed in some sort of fictional universe, conversation, song, etc.
I'd imagine they'd take out the H for everyone instead of include it.
I know it's been four years but a bit of some information, ADHD and ADD are both bad names for the neurotype altogether. it's a sensory processing disorder, not a lack of sense disorder. they realized it's the same neurotype, just some people stim as a self-regulatory behavior and some don't. these are ADHD hyperactive type and ADHD inattentive type, so what was considered ADD is now inattentive type. the last 20 years we've come pretty far in neurodiversity studies and have realized a lot of where we were mistaken, which is why terms are constantly changing, but hopefully this will lead to people being diagnosed more accurately because there's a lot of issues with people being misdiagnosed as ADHD/autistic/bipolar/schizophrenic when they're really one of the other ones.
@@InternationalConglomerate Oh its cuz the previous people that was diagnosed with “ADD” it’s not that they DONT have hyperactivity its that their hyperactivity is inattentive, which is why the term “ADD” is no longer used, everyone with ADHD has hyperactivity theres just different types of ADHD now, theres the Inattentive type, hyperactive type and the type that has both traits, and yes the inattentive type that was PREVIOUSLY known as “ADD” ALSO has hyperactivity their hyperactivity is just less visible from the outside and it comes in different forms them the Hyperactive type ADHD.
This channel is becoming one of my favorites to watch. So original and entertaining.
sorting by oldest has never brought me to such a place. this video speaks to me. in a moment in which symptoms got really bad, it seems like it hit every single spot. it made me feel like someone else walked through the path that i'm treading right now.
Wow...this video actually really struck me. I had ADHD and I've had so many people leave me because they can't tolerate my strange problems with giving them attention or remembering things. This is actually the first time I've commented on a youtube video, that's how much this resonated with me. I hope you're doing okay man, love your videos.
Don't play with my heart like that man
Nothing really hits as close as hearing other people talk about their ADHD like this. It’s just on a whole other level of relatable
honestly everything just flies by so quickly at this point nothing makes sense anymore
This seemed super personal and genuinely heartfelt, and as somebody who has attention issues, this touched me. Thank you, Mika.
Mikey,, buddy, my dude.. these videos are so damn existential how can you cause such creepe feelings in the span of 2 minutes
Even if you don't have ADHD I think everybody can relate to this a little. :)
Trust me- nowhere near as much as you can with ADHD. Sure, you can get not focusing, but this video is literally every waking second of our lives.
Don't litter though
Dermot Luttrell Mmm, somebody didn't understand my comment. I don't remember saying anything about ADHD not being serious or whatever you took my comment as. I literally said WE CAN ALL RELATE A LITTLE. I never said, "Wow these fuckers think they're special but this happens to everybody!"
This is such a beautifully crafted video... The music being perpetual in contrast to the video's main theme seriously paints the theme well. For this and many more reasons, you deserve millions more views. I'm subbing!
Hoo boy. Being one who has ADHD, this hit surprisingly hard. You captured my feeling of ADHD at least. Keep up the amazing work dude.
this is literally a summary of my entire life and i love it
i found this on soundcloud a few years back, and imma be honest, a few hundred of the plays were me.
Dude you are really great at writing, i love this videos and how it always connects, keep it up youll get to 100k in no time
-been here since 2k :)
Don't have ADHD but do have Aspergers but certain parts of the video are also relatable. Especially the "Are you listening" part, my brain can completely tune out language even if somebody is talking directly to me. The main difference between my situation and the situation my friends with ADHD have is that I'm still tuned in, somebody just turned down the volume or put the conversation on mute.
I really appreciate the fact that you put top quality video captures of things and put them all in a video. It's really nice to see.
God damn i love your videos. i always wanted to do something similar but never knew how i would, i really like your channel and i hope you keep growing as fast as you are, keep it up man.
Thank you very much for those nice comments :3
+Mikasacus Keep up the stellar work!
I love this video so much I've probably watched it at least 5 times in the past 2 hours
Dear ADHD people,
stop being so relatable, I'm actually getting worried,
thanks.
I really like how it always has water except for during the distraction parts when it was dry landscape and a slightly different color. There's so much symbolism there. Especially when the water floods the distraction and the sound starts to warp.
I love your writing style, can I ask who or what influenced you? Or do you just sit down and word vomit? I'm really interested in your creative process!
Thank you kindly. A lot of it comes down to word vomit but I'd be lying if I didn't say exurb1a is a big influence on me. He was also one of a few youtubers that inspired me to start in the first place
+Mikasacus i really notice the influence exurb1a has on your videos. it's the main reason why i subbed to you. keep going Mikascus
@@mikasacus that’s really cool, I used to watch him all the time! That is….before the ‘incident’ 👀
I have ADD (adhd w/o the hyper) and this whole thing was written like someone just took a 2:32 second clip of me thinking to myself. Well done.
Watching this, and not feeling uncomfortable or out of place makes me realize just how much ADHD effects me, and I didn't even realize it until now...
I usually don't go for this kind of thing but both of these essay videos are amazing and deep given their length. Simply elegant.
holy frick, what the frick, this is the most relatable youtube video ever.
The subscription count really slowed with that furry profile image.
Yeah, people are pretty shallow.
Janine Cat thats a furry profile image? thought it was just a cool mask...
when Mika's video titles have a dot at the end, you know it's gonna be a rollercoaster of depression
I can't help but think about the "Wake up" Creepypasta every time I hear "Are you listening?".
Great stuff man.
I have meme chronic disorder, I'm all out of dank memes, send help pls
I'm sending buff rikus your way don't worry
Here comes dat boi oh shit wadduppp
Now you have memes :)
+Finny - Vainglory that's an outdated meme, I shouldn't have to tell you this
Type in scarce the man the meme the legend in CZcams
#freebeezy
this worries/intrigues me in all the right ways. I hope you're feeling okay, and I hope you keep making content!
I'm happy about this. I have ADHD and even though I don't really notice my difference with others, people normally point out the differences for me. After watching this I finally realize that the way I act isn't normal and this really helps me pinpoint the things I need to work on to block out my ADHD, but my favorite part about this is the fact that not many people care about ADHD because it doesn't make people suicide, or hurt themselves so they simply think that it's just something that people make up for attention. But yu are one of the few people who are helping with awareness about ADHD and I respect that.
Oh my god those blank audio fills are fucking genius. I mean I just noticed that your brain auto fills your dialogue appropriate to your situation. Makes for a really spooky and hauntingly relate able experience.
Damn this is so relatable for me since I have ADD myself. Do you have ADHD Mika?
Don't litter
+degurkin don't what?
+degurkin what does that have to do with anything in this video or comment?
pipodedown
Dude,pay attention
0:30
+degurkin he clearly has adhd
Holy shit, 1. you deserve way more subscribers than you have 2. you went from like 10,000 to 30,000 in almost a week!? 2 good ;)
I always come back to this man, so thank you. Really can't tell u how close this is to my experience.
Mika, I love all of your videos! The funny ones, the serious essays, all of them! Please continue doing what you want with this channel because so far I haven't seen anything bad come out of you!
thank you man, i'm really grateful I have people like you watching and I don't have to feel like my creative freedom is limited, really appreciative of you and anyone else like you that watches
You need to make a podcast. I'd totally listen to it.
Mika are you okay? Did someone kidnap you and force you to make this video?
Ikr I noticed that to. Mika if you're reading this say "Hi" in the next video if you're in danger.
It's just a different type of video he wants to do from time to time other than just overwatch videos
+Ryan Duck
it's a joke
+Some Tacos #savemika
#totallynotajokeaboutmiranajoyce#savemika
I got my diagnosis about a month ago, and I'm really appreciating this video. It's a break from the usual funnies, but in a very good and refreshing way. I'm actually hoping to see more content like this from you in the future. Glad I subscribed.
Watching some parts of the video gave me the feels because it's so accurate and I deal with this daily. I forget names often (except for if it's someone really important) and I feel bad every time. The medicine the doctors used to chug in me made me feel like a zombie.
I love this thank you it's beautiful
+Mikasacus What happened to your video about making videos
Messed up the upload dates heh, it'll be out tomorrow same time
Mikasacus Oh, thanks for having me in the beginning of that vid, keep up the good work sonny boi
I watched this 3 times and loved it each time! It was so deep! I love how you kept warping the words on "are", "you", and "listening". These essay videos are so well done, please keep doing them!
Man, this hurts. I feel like you basically got all the pain of ADHD summed up right there
This isn't really what my experience has been like.
Had to rewind half a minute because I wasn’t listening It’s not even funny anymore
ADHD is basically a person that takes more energy to do tasks that a simple to the average person
And it hurts.
I suffer from ADHD and man you nailed it if only you made another follow up video to this it would be awesome because it’s good for people who don’t understand where we’re coming from. Great video
this was really good , shame it wasn't too long but if it was any longer it would ruin the basis , I love all of these it's the same love I have for when I listened to creepypastas in my early teens and got chills, I'm too old for them now but these hit hard and give me chills in a deeper sense keep up the good work man
Being a partially deaf and adhd guy, I can confirm that tinnitus and the bad hearing+bad attention span combo is accurate to this video
Hits close to home because I had to rewind and rewatch parts of this because I kept zoning out.
Came here for the overwatch videos, stayed because of this essays....
Dude, the feels hit me like truck each time I watch one, they are too real.
I hope you have fun doing your content and do the videos because you like them, not because subscribers demand more. I would love to see more of everything you make, you are a really creative person. Keep up the good work, dude.
A feeling that I thought can never be expressed, the behavior, the motion catch your attention, the turn back" I am sorry what was it again?", the disbelieve of people around you, they think you don't care about them at all cause you are always absent-minded, and the fatigue of disconnecting with the people, and the most truth-speaking one, get used to being alone.
this has got to be one of the best comment sections on CZcams. you really draw in a great crowd!
Jeez. . . This hits hard at home. This simulates pretty well what my struggles and everyone else that has this is.
I paused the video for a second to ensure I had a link like that was imperative at that moment, ADHD everyone!
This reminds a lot of "It's such a beautiful day," which I loved and always wanted something else like it so gj man
This is the trippiest video to watch while high
I really enjoyed how artistic this was, and I say that not to pigeonhole your video, but to say that while there is a lot of content on CZcams and the Internet in general there is a lot of information that is spoonfed to us (much like television or other similar media), this is one of the few types of videos that make you think about the message and draw your own conclusions, much like a short story or a painting or interpretive dance, etc.
I appreciate the thought you put into this and I definitely look forward to whatever videos you put out in the future. Really good stuff.
ADHD is like.. you're on the couch again.. doing silly stuff with your cellphone.. then you're checking your bowls and cups of tea yet again, because you don't know whether they're really empty or not.. happens like every 3-4h because you really don't know whether you have finished properly or not.. and you're also unsure whether you've already checked them yet...
At some point habits will emerge.. empty stuff will be tilted or turned over, so you don't need to worry anymore..
And if you were finishing properly like bringing away your dishes.. well, even then you'll gonna check the fridge whether you have eaten at all this day...
You're still unsure, whether you're not hungry anymore or don't feeling your hunger, because you were absorbed for too long...
Also, you will at some point start checking the date as well, because god knows how much times has passed.. you're remembering dozens of occasions where you were confused about doing something for 20h straight without feeling like that... You remember, checking multiple clocks, to be absolute certain, that is wasn't just 2h but 20h..
wow I would have never considered a youtube video as art. This changes everything!
Thoroughly enjoyed this, and even I could relate to some of the key points, though I don't actually have ADHD. I think your more thought-provoking videos such as this and "Good Person" have a lot of impact on my beliefs and really makes me wonder about the topics themselves.
Keep rockin these videos, dude.
To me this is pretty accurate especially those parts where your talking then the voice just stopes and everything else is there really
Glad I'm not one of those kinds of subscribers that subscribes solely for one part of your content and then don't watch any others, because this was actually neat.
Bro, thank you. This video is Literally what it’s like for some as described. It’s the perfect POV as stated by a viewer. Thank you.
@Mikasacus
I have ADHD and this really resonated with me. I love what your doing and I hope that more people see this video who car relate. I always forget things in school and can never pay attention to teachers, I had this teacher get really mad at me one time cause he thought I was just “trying to be different” and trying to get attention. Keep up these vids there really good
yup thats just what its like yeah. your essay videos fill me with fellings i dont have words for.
Yikes... as someone with ADHD... like, this is really relatable, and not necessarily in the fun way? The cheerful music playing despite the sudden cuts in sentences, the drops in tone when your attention starts to slip, even the self criticism that you ultimately ignore... this is VERY well done and a great way to tell people without it what it's like.
every one of your essays is perfect. they're kinda different and creative and emotional and aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
This is officially one of the best channels for 20 somethings.
i have ADD and i do find it relatable that people always ask you if you listened when something was said and you might have or might have not but it's even harder to tell if you're going to remember and they ask you again and again why as if it would make a difference to recap that everytime. weird world, isn't it?
I love the atmosphere you create in these videos
These feel-good vids are the best, man. Keep it up!
I am dying inside rit nao.
i rewatched this and it still hits to close to home
Jeez this just reminds me of how bad it was when I was younger and before I got medicated and started to figure it out for myself. I still feel that frustration from time to time.
I have no idea how you described ADHD so we'll this basically sums up my life