Dumbest advice ever. Why does anyone listen to people like him. When will people realize everyone wants and needs different things No one can just this is what he or she wants. Nobody want the same thing. Total crap
"You can be neurotic as hell"-- you know what, I totally am and I have one of the best, most supportive partners in the world, and I love and support him back. He's right: it's about investment and connection and understanding. Fantastic-- I love it!
So many people in the comments section taking this personally and being offended.....if you folks listened to the duo's content, the majority focuses on gender-neutral principles that everyone can learn and take away from, and I imagine that Bringing Baby Home is similar to The Boy Crisis in highlighting the importance of fathers. It is a reality worth acknowledging that many women (especially in previous generations) were financially dependent on guys and have been raised to have to put the needs of their husbands or kids above their own, so sure, it's nice to have material directed towards guys, but even the Gottman's (and other material out there, if you care about material talking about men's needs and importance) address that. Even in this video, though, there's material that's equally applicable Plus, the book was John's idea, and he's a guy, and the biggest takeaway from the Gottmans' work (and couple's therapy) in general is to focus on what you can change and improve, and that's what he's doing.
Who cares. He loves his wife the way she wants to be loved. He can't say this is what you need to do. I know women I've dated and 1 I married all want and needed a different kind of loving. He's only saying what works for him. Now what if I told him what I did was right.
I'm really glad Dr Gottman is sharing about the bit of how and why some guys have a lot more sex. There are many guys out there who could really take that to heart.
@ 30:23 The reason is: many people are unable to tolerate peace for very long. They prefer drama. I agree with Eckhart Tolle when he says that a part of us (which he calls the pain body) doesn't want things to work out. It's sad, but so very true. This is true for any kind of relationship. It doesn't make any sense to me why anyone would prefer conflict over peace, other than they're (A LOT people) are really F'd up.
25:49 - 25:58 Actually, there *is* a correct answer, in the scenario Dave Barry poses. If a woman says to you, "Do I look fat?", you answer exactly as follows: "Do I look stupid?"
Gottman's done some great work, but he's got a frame that puts women on a pedestal and everything has to revolve around her needs. The truth is that women know that they are (generally) more emotional, and men end up being buffers for their expressions. But, if as others have said, you maintain you're boundaries and acknowledge her emotions and separate them from the story, you can train them to be more responsible. Not only that, women will respect you more in these circumstances. I think this scenario doesn't enter into the research because it takes a lot of self awareness, maturity, strength and confidence. There are few men that can live up to this standard (and even fewer women). In the absence of these hyper-realized individuals, we're left with developing pandering skills, which is what Gottman advocates for. Using these combinations of words and techniques will keep you reasonably happy and together, but the next level is more self development so that you know exactly where you stand and aren't really thrown off balance when her emotions get the better of her.
I think Dr. John Gottman touched into self-worth and self-love. People don't do a lot of things they know are good for them because they are in the destructive loop to make them feel they are bad. Look into Paul Conti work.
The problem with this advice is that individuals reject functional relationships, not simply that they don’t possess methods. People have to contend with malevolence and anger
But that's a different animal Samsgarden. There's a difference between improving a relationship and responding when the relationship is actually an emotionally abusive relationship.
However, is it the chicken, or the egg? Couples may start out in a relationship being loving and moving toward commitment, then one or the other puts other people/things before that relationship (parents, children (esp from prior relationship/marriages), jobs, etc) - which cultivates insecurity & eventually, resentment. Typically, new moms “reject” her partner/husband in lieu of the child, (but - fathers do it, too, which could be even more devastating to the partner/wife)…
I have seen this problem with some men : They have huge egos and are closed as persons, and nobody wants to live with a closed person Also if a man has the playboy sindrome or is not loyal he has to stay single if he can't evolve. On the other I have seen this problem with some women : They have a kind of arrogance that since women know feelings better, they have nothing to learn from a man, and the man just has to do what these women say. If a woman has this type of arrogance she should stay single if she can't evolve. Nobody wants to live with an arrogant person. In a good relationship both women and men learn from each other and the direction for both is to strike and keep working at balance and doing what is right for both and finding compromises and if they can't agree on some reasonable compromise for both, they can separate Women are important and have feelings to be considerate to, but Men are important and have feelings to be considerate to In this we are the same, maybe these problems stem from this prejudice label that implies men think women are important just so they can make sex And this prejudice label that women think men are guilty because they only want sex and have no real feelings and thus the only solution is to obey women in everything This is not true so we need to evolve Opening the channels of comunication with courage is the solution We both can have deep feelings and can learn from each other how to evolve We are a beautiful work in progress: Enjoy the learning and the love ❤
You said that you don’t understand why people don’t take their medicine and I don’t hear you understanding why some just refuse to keep taking meds. Why take something that doesn’t really address the real root problem so it doesn’t heal the body. Foods are a lot of the problem for the inflammation that many conditions have as a basic problem. Most Doctors have so little training in nutrition that they just demand that patients just take meds when they don’t know a better way. There are many other things that come into play on both sides but refuse to be a sheep who just follows without it being proved to me that it is the best way to go and that it will really help. There is so much more I could say but I want she’d a bit of light on why so many turn their back on many of the meds given in Western Medicine. I have been studying relationships since the early 1970’s and I have quite a story and my husband also but I am finding a few new ideas or new ways to approach issues. I am not done listening to what you and your wife are sharing so I am still sorting and seeing if any of the shoes are a new fit or a better fit . Thanks for sharing.
People are not taking medication because of all the negative side effects. If you feel worse after taking medication or were given ineffective medication, I wonder if everyone would continue taking them.
I really enjoy Dr. Gottman, however, the male host of this show made a ridiculous generalization about black fathers and black families that made me shut this whole thing off. I'll listen to Dr. Gottman somewhere else.
What do you do if your spouse insists that you've done something hurtful when in reality you have not? Is only saying "I'm sorry" really helpful then to a relationship? How can it be if you are living a lie?
mmmm-- have some balls and tell her to her face you don't see what you did wrong, problems left unsaid fester!! Have the balls to have a fight!! If your woman has the smallest sentiment for you (and she must since she is still with you) then you two will survive the discussion. I have to sound Neanderthals here... but if that doesn't work, a good fucking will normally fix it. ---I said fucking not making love!! I have solved a lot of SMALL issues like that, especially if you mention them DURING the fucking!!
@Twister her complaint is not about you, it's about her ... whether you did it in reality or not is irrelevant and if you will stop taking it personally, you will be more able to see what is happening
Twister051 If it is not your fault say it isn't. State the facts. If you indeed did no wrong then you can prove it. Most times it is just a difference in opinion anyways. There isn't always a wrong way to do something.... you just chose to handle something differently.
The hurt is within her, whether it's her own coping skills within your relationship or some underlying need that's not being met. It's something that needs some investigation if you care enough and love her enough to get to the bottom of what's bothering her
The book has been very useful for me and I am grateful I read it But on the negative side two tips and advises are pushy and in one advice a tip not sensible to men which if said to a woman would be absurd. ( Tips and advises should be suggested to the reader, not pushed ) Making compromises is more right and if two people can't compromise they can separate I wrote it on the review and they censored it Red flag
@11:32 So you like the way she looked... Not the fact that she seemed intelligent... Ssssssshocking! Look up Coach Corey wayne for great relationships. You're welcome!
Don't look to him or anyone because no one and I mean no one knows what makes 2 people in a relationship work or not. There are no experts here. We all want and need different things in our relationships. You can take their opinions with a grain of salt
Women become insecure about their own body after pregnancy or when they were 40 years younger, when the wrinkles appear and the hair is not as thick as it was.
That ...obv people in a community/ who are significant figures of somones live are important that much is easy but why can't they just be like feminists have wanted that forever
Why is it that everything that makes a couple strong is about the man changing and the woman’s needs. He never talks about the mans needs and the woman changing. At least from what I’ve heard in most interviews.
He claims in his book that research shows that this is key. It has bugged me too. There is no citation and I’m looking for the journal that says it. I will say the book doesn’t say become a doormat, where she always gets her way. But says her feeling heard is a prerequisite for being able to jointly discuss an issue or course of action
Because these people are quacks. This man knows no more about women then you or I. When's the last time he had to meet one. 1942. This is a a pile of crap. People like him are total scam artist
Why does anyone take other peoples advice on subjects such as this. You know what you need to do to make your relationship work. Sometimes people just grow apart. Simple as that
Time-mark 13:37 to time-mark 16:16 . Such gold. Gold is not the word .... platinum.
Wow! That thing about not needing to be emotionally mature to work things out.. really spoke to me..
Dumbest advice ever. Why does anyone listen to people like him. When will people realize everyone wants and needs different things No one can just this is what he or she wants. Nobody want the same thing. Total crap
Yeah! It’s pretty wise to not say “go do a decade of self-work before you can be a safe and decent spouse”
"You can be neurotic as hell"-- you know what, I totally am and I have one of the best, most supportive partners in the world, and I love and support him back. He's right: it's about investment and connection and understanding. Fantastic-- I love it!
So many people in the comments section taking this personally and being offended.....if you folks listened to the duo's content, the majority focuses on gender-neutral principles that everyone can learn and take away from, and I imagine that Bringing Baby Home is similar to The Boy Crisis in highlighting the importance of fathers. It is a reality worth acknowledging that many women (especially in previous generations) were financially dependent on guys and have been raised to have to put the needs of their husbands or kids above their own, so sure, it's nice to have material directed towards guys, but even the Gottman's (and other material out there, if you care about material talking about men's needs and importance) address that. Even in this video, though, there's material that's equally applicable
Plus, the book was John's idea, and he's a guy, and the biggest takeaway from the Gottmans' work (and couple's therapy) in general is to focus on what you can change and improve, and that's what he's doing.
I needed to hear this a looooonnngggg time ago I messed up
Bette late than never :)
This guy truly loves his wife. Lucky man!
No--- lucky wife!!
Yup, lucky wife to be loved like that
Lucky man is right :)
Who cares. He loves his wife the way she wants to be loved. He can't say this is what you need to do. I know women I've dated and 1 I married all want and needed a different kind of loving. He's only saying what works for him. Now what if I told him what I did was right.
I'm really glad Dr Gottman is sharing about the bit of how and why some guys have a lot more sex. There are many guys out there who could really take that to heart.
And you naive enough to believe this. This fraud has all of you people brainwashed
Thank you for this information. Very informative and helpful
@ 30:23 The reason is: many people are unable to tolerate peace for very long. They prefer drama.
I agree with Eckhart Tolle when he says that a part of us (which he calls the pain body) doesn't want things to work out. It's sad, but so very true. This is true for any kind of relationship.
It doesn't make any sense to me why anyone would prefer conflict over peace, other than they're (A LOT people) are really F'd up.
Some people have personality disorders and thrive on DRAMA!
25:49 - 25:58 Actually, there *is* a correct answer, in the scenario Dave Barry poses. If a woman says to you, "Do I look fat?", you answer exactly as follows: "Do I look stupid?"
Important to know for men married to American women.
AND...if a woman says to you, "How tall are you?", you answer exactly as follows, "How much do you weigh?"
Genius
Dr Gottman gave the correct answer and it’s not in being defensive, it’s about creation connection with your partner
Love the Gottmans!
Total manipulator. He knows just as much as you do. This guy is a total fraud
Good interview
awesome! love the Gottman's
So good!
So ridiculous !!
It's so important to know how you can relationship effectively!
Yes you need to know what the individuals needs are. This guy can't just say this is what you need to do. No you ask your partner
The real gold here is at 14:00.
And validated
👏🏻
23:00
Gottman's done some great work, but he's got a frame that puts women on a pedestal and everything has to revolve around her needs. The truth is that women know that they are (generally) more emotional, and men end up being buffers for their expressions.
But, if as others have said, you maintain you're boundaries and acknowledge her emotions and separate them from the story, you can train them to be more responsible. Not only that, women will respect you more in these circumstances.
I think this scenario doesn't enter into the research because it takes a lot of self awareness, maturity, strength and confidence. There are few men that can live up to this standard (and even fewer women). In the absence of these hyper-realized individuals, we're left with developing pandering skills, which is what Gottman advocates for. Using these combinations of words and techniques will keep you reasonably happy and together, but the next level is more self development so that you know exactly where you stand and aren't really thrown off balance when her emotions get the better of her.
atticus319 oh that does not sound good
What the? Emotions you are not acknowledging....right. Not good.
You do know research isnt accurate
I think Dr. John Gottman touched into self-worth and self-love. People don't do a lot of things they know are good for them because they are in the destructive loop to make them feel they are bad.
Look into Paul Conti work.
The problem with this advice is that individuals reject functional relationships, not simply that they don’t possess methods. People have to contend with malevolence and anger
But that's a different animal Samsgarden. There's a difference between improving a relationship and responding when the relationship is actually an emotionally abusive relationship.
@@tracys3096 true
However, is it the chicken, or the egg? Couples may start out in a relationship being loving and moving toward commitment, then one or the other puts other people/things before that relationship (parents, children (esp from prior relationship/marriages), jobs, etc) - which cultivates insecurity & eventually, resentment. Typically, new moms “reject” her partner/husband in lieu of the child, (but - fathers do it, too, which could be even more devastating to the partner/wife)…
Can I get a women's guide to women?
The inner world of men
I have seen this problem with some men :
They have huge egos and are closed as persons, and nobody wants to live with a closed person
Also if a man has the playboy sindrome or is not loyal he has to stay single if he can't evolve.
On the other I have seen this problem with some women :
They have a kind of arrogance that since women know feelings better, they have nothing to learn from a man, and the man just has to do what these women say.
If a woman has this type of arrogance she should stay single if she can't evolve. Nobody wants to live with an arrogant person.
In a good relationship both women and men learn from each other
and the direction for both is to strike and keep working at balance
and doing what is right for both and finding compromises
and if they can't agree on some reasonable compromise for both, they can separate
Women are important and have feelings to be considerate to, but
Men are important and have feelings to be considerate to
In this we are the same, maybe these problems stem from
this prejudice label that implies men think women are important just so they can make sex
And this prejudice label that women think men are guilty because they only want sex
and have no real feelings and thus the only solution is to obey women in everything
This is not true so we need to evolve
Opening the channels of comunication with courage is the solution
We both can have deep feelings and can learn from each other how to evolve
We are a beautiful work in progress:
Enjoy the learning and the love ❤
You said that you don’t understand why people don’t take their medicine and I don’t hear you understanding why some just refuse to keep taking meds. Why take something that doesn’t really address the real root problem so it doesn’t heal the body. Foods are a lot of the problem for the inflammation that many conditions have as a basic problem. Most Doctors have so little training in nutrition that they just demand that patients just take meds when they don’t know a better way. There are many other things that come into play on both sides but refuse to be a sheep who just follows without it being proved to me that it is the best way to go and that it will really help. There is so much more I could say but I want she’d a bit of light on why so many turn their back on many of the meds given in Western Medicine. I have been studying relationships since the early 1970’s and I have quite a story and my husband also but I am finding a few new ideas or new ways to approach issues. I am not done listening to what you and your wife are sharing so I am still sorting and seeing if any of the shoes are a new fit or a better fit . Thanks for sharing.
"most doctors have so little training in nutrition"
In sharp contrast to you who is oh so knowledgeable about nutrition.
People are not taking medication because of all the negative side effects. If you feel worse after taking medication or were given ineffective medication, I wonder if everyone would continue taking them.
I really enjoy Dr. Gottman, however, the male host of this show made a ridiculous generalization about black fathers and black families that made me shut this whole thing off. I'll listen to Dr. Gottman somewhere else.
What do you do if your spouse insists that you've done something hurtful when in reality you have not? Is only saying "I'm sorry" really helpful then to a relationship? How can it be if you are living a lie?
mmmm-- have some balls and tell her to her face you don't see what you did wrong, problems left unsaid fester!! Have the balls to have a fight!! If your woman has the smallest sentiment for you (and she must since she is still with you) then you two will survive the discussion.
I have to sound Neanderthals here... but if that doesn't work, a good fucking will normally fix it. ---I said fucking not making love!!
I have solved a lot of SMALL issues like that, especially if you mention them DURING the fucking!!
@Twister her complaint is not about you, it's about her ... whether you did it in reality or not is irrelevant and if you will stop taking it personally, you will be more able to see what is happening
Twister051
If it is not your fault say it isn't. State the facts. If you indeed did no wrong then you can prove it. Most times it is just a difference in opinion anyways. There isn't always a wrong way to do something.... you just chose to handle something differently.
Or do what my husband does to me... “I am sorry you feel hurt Bc of xyz” 🤣😂☺️
The hurt is within her, whether it's her own coping skills within your relationship or some underlying need that's not being met. It's something that needs some investigation if you care enough and love her enough to get to the bottom of what's bothering her
The book has been very useful for me and I am grateful I read it
But on the negative side two tips and advises are pushy and in one advice a tip not sensible to men which if said to a woman would be absurd.
( Tips and advises should be suggested to the reader, not pushed )
Making compromises is more right and if two people can't compromise they can separate
I wrote it on the review and they censored it
Red flag
@11:32 So you like the way she looked... Not the fact that she seemed intelligent... Ssssssshocking!
Look up Coach Corey wayne for great relationships. You're welcome!
Don't look to him or anyone because no one and I mean no one knows what makes 2 people in a relationship work or not. There are no experts here. We all want and need different things in our relationships. You can take their opinions with a grain of salt
I think the answer to Gottman’s mysterious question goes back to a lack of self love and discipline.
Why does it have to be so complicated. It's not. People like him just so over analyze what comes natural
Women become insecure about their own body after pregnancy or when they were 40 years younger, when the wrinkles appear and the hair is not as thick as it was.
No not true. Some I'm sure do. But not all.
Anyone thinking you're about to gain some wisdom by clicking on this.. YOU'RE NOT. they barely discuss ANYTHING. A WASTE OF A HALF OF HOUR.
60 dates in 6 weeks? Shut up and take my money!
That ...obv people in a community/ who are significant figures of somones live are important that much is easy but why can't they just be like feminists have wanted that forever
Why is it that everything that makes a couple strong is about the man changing and the woman’s needs. He never talks about the mans needs and the woman changing. At least from what I’ve heard in most interviews.
He talks about skills both need to cultivate! It is for women and men...
He claims in his book that research shows that this is key. It has bugged me too. There is no citation and I’m looking for the journal that says it. I will say the book doesn’t say become a doormat, where she always gets her way. But says her feeling heard is a prerequisite for being able to jointly discuss an issue or course of action
As men you gotta lead in your relationship. If you lead properly your partner will follow accordingly
@@adebolaA1 this 🙌.
Because these people are quacks. This man knows no more about women then you or I. When's the last time he had to meet one. 1942. This is a a pile of crap. People like him are total scam artist
sounds so simpy.. although there are quite a few good takeaways from the book.
Ma Jew bro 😎 ✡️
Yeah sure this guy would know. He looks like a real ladies man. Stop this bullcrap. He knows no more about women then the next guy
So a man must be a player.. OK.. nothing new I learnt.
Why does anyone take other peoples advice on subjects such as this. You know what you need to do to make your relationship work. Sometimes people just grow apart. Simple as that
how did this get racist in the first 10 minutes?
He's quoting researches darling
@@abm672 oh no really? sad to hear racism has infected the academy as well :(
@@nan0bel 🤦🏽♀️
This isn't slightly racist!
Not racist. I appreciate that he calls out their focus on AA relationships.
And those wimmin having deep thoughts would jump Tyrones bones in a New York minute because housechore hubby is a simp
Bitter incel spotted