Narcissists Make Everything So Damn Hard
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- čas přidán 4. 08. 2024
- Narcissists have a way of making things so difficult. Every day with a narcissist is a reminder of that struggle. Once you've spent months or years with a narcissist you may have internalized the belief that everything is so hard. This can cause you to learn things the hard way over and over even long after the narcissist is gone. In the video I give you some tips to overcome this negative belief that everything is so hard.
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NOTE: Meredith Miller is not a therapist or counselor. She is a holistic integration coach, helping you to self-heal and transform your life after narcissistic abuse and toxic relationships. Meredith teaches the mindsets and tactical skills to help with recovery. She works with a mind-body-spirit approach to wellness that is a valuable complement to traditional psychotherapy. Meredith recommends that you also seek out a licensed therapist who has experience with narcissistic abuse and relational trauma in order to help you with the complex-PTSD symptoms. Thank you for taking responsibility for yourself!
..."They really don't care what side they take... As long as it's NOT YOURS." Omg so true!!
The 'Human Beings' (Cheyenne tribe) would allow a young brave to workout a deep seated oppositional defiance disorder by encouraging him to live an entire month doing and saying everything backwards: good-bye meant hello, good morning meant good night, wash in dirt then dry off in the stream... This exercise worked to mirror their habitually unconscious reflex so often, that the individual might become reflective and critically self-aware and to reconnect with others with a hightened sensitivity. The authentic life is spontaneously wise. The quality of such mindfulness accepts the responsibility and enjoys the freedom of engaging life as a healthy rapport.
💯!!!!! Narcississts are committed to taking the opposite stance even if they actually agree. They want to disagree to evoke negative emotions in you to play with your mind and second guess yourself. They do this little by little to get you under their control so you no longer have a voice. My ex narc would also give me unsoliticed advice with criticism always toward me so I would only believe him and also to make me feel completely worthless. They love to think they're experts at everything even if it's something you have years of education and experience and they have none. It's all crazy making and if you deal with that person long enough it starts to make you crazy😬.
There is one former close male friend of mine who used to pretend like they were a former scapegoat too. All of a sudden doing a 180 on opinions of things that their parents persecuted them for too. I finally said, "You're on their side." They laughed yet firmly said, "There is no side!"
Anyway, so glad that you quote that classic, "they really don't care what side they take..as long as it's NOT YOURS." SLOWLY BUT SURELY THIS HAPPENED TO ME. Apparently they were in cahoots with the transparently invasive former narcissist of my FORMER family of origin that were no longer in my life.
They're really effective because they'll sing you one tune and then just turn on you one day. If you stick around long enough, you'll see that sick psychotic duper's delight grid from them even one of those times. No thanks... NO CONTACT from here on out
@@carriefriedman6553 What used to seem like constructive criticism definitely turns into DESTRUCTIVE criticism. With plausible deniability. I had a male friend like do the exact thing. I don't talk to him anymore
@@normanleach9587 Sounds a lot better than the excuse making so-called psychological "science" out there that just gives meds and rationalizations for bad behavior
Six months no contact. Life is getting so damn easy 😎
Kenneth Calton I'm on day 1....i wish I was at day 180! it never goes past 10 days n she's back, she's my wife...
Almost one year no contact. Im much happier now, but still dealing sometimes with PTSD
I miss my gal, love her dearly, and it seems the GIRLS are the ones most affected by this bs... all one ever has in life is a choice, make good ones.
I wish i manage to do this
Narcissists make everything not only all about them but also utterly complicated. It is all about drama. It is all about chaos. In fact they use chaos against you to keep you out of balance and hooked with them. Fortunately there comes a day when one become fed up with this chaos. The day you discard these dark souls, these vampires that sucked energy and happiness out of you ...life become simple again. No more drama. You find the real "you" back.
Virginie Roche, I’ve been in this chaos! It’s amazing how many people got affected in the same way, and none of us were prepared or educated about this horrible personality disorder and it took so long for us to finally wake up!
Melody Gardot you are so right! What left me flabbergasted is discovering that we all experienced the same patterns, the same manipulations. We have been gaslighted the same way or so. Love bombed in very similar manners. Processed through silent treatment etc etc etc. You thought having met a unique and extraordinary human being and you finally discover that this person is following the darkest scenario word after word and that the end off this narcissist movie won't do you any favor ;) . But it's also empowering because you no longer can excuse the narcissist behaviors towards you once you' ve discovered that it isn't an isolated behavior but a Narcissictic pervert and manipulative one. I have been in chaos for 4 years. I have just fund the strengh to escape it and leave him. And I am so gratefull to Meredith. Her youtube videos helped me a lot to make the move and discard 😍
Melody Gardot excuse me are you the jazz singer of the same name?
So very true
Spoken like a veteran. I just went through this again! At least I got out fast this time.
You are so right. Leaving a narcissist is like getting rid of asthma . One can finally breathe again.
Thank you.
I have asthma and this strikes me as the perfect metaphor. Love it!
another great comment breathing again...well Im still with mine...now I know why I have such tightness in my chest ...its terrible ...waking up seemed to make things worse ....
I started having breathing problems due to anxiety the last two years of our friendship. As soon as I cut my narc out of my life, I was literally able to breathe again.
I’m homeless because I just left my nm and psychopath dad but it’s still 10x easier having no money. I’m happy despite having no money no home and no friends. They suck the life out of you like dementors. I find joy in the trees and the sun.
zitao great, but maybe you could get a job and small place to stay so that you are safer.
Dementors really does sum it up. It's like everything goes cold and all the happiness just vanishes and then you start to feel your soul being sucked right out of you.
I qish you i could help you.... May God make things easy for everyone who's struggling out there !!!!!!
I tried playing a game of yahtzee with him in my son and it turned out to be the biggest war.
When 100% every single thing is difficult when trying to do it with this person you hit the nail on the head in every video everything you say it's like finally somebody gets what I've been feeling didn't know you existed lol
Well said Meredith. Whether you're borrowing money, asking for help, or getting advice, with a narcissist, everything has a price tag. You may not have to pay the debt back in money or finances. But, rest assured. You will pay that debt back with interest. Absolutely nothing is free with them.
Exactly!
I think it's a tactic they use to cause confusion and self doubt because it opens a door for them to manipulate. And once manipulation takes place they then gain control, it always boils down to control. Thanks for posting
AJ HILL yes exactly
AJ HILL I think you are absolutely right
My therapist asked me why do you think your mother wants to control you?, I answered " in order to control me.. " it 's that simple: they control just to have control!!!!.. CONTROL is the mean AND the ultimate destination & purpose.. 😔
Deffinately true for my narcissistic parents! While I was growing up, they convinced me that everything was so difficult/impossible/unattainable. "You want to learn to drive? Oh but it's really really hard to learn to drive so you might as well just not do it! Oh you want a car? Well its basically impossible to buy a car so why waste your time? You want to learn gymnastics? Oh but it's sooooo hard to do and it'll take you a lifetime to get good at it so you might as well not waste your time! Oh you want to learn to play an instrument? Well my co-worker tried to learn that instrument and they failed miserably at it and it was so hard and they never got good at it so neither will you so you might as well just not do it!"
That's how those fuckers did everything!
+ gaslighting:
they will say YOU are being SO difficult!
Someone else, I'm not sure who, did a video on this issue and she said something I'll never forget. It was to the effect of--walk, just walk. Unless you like having three hour arguments over nothing. I'm sure everyone here has had 3 day or 3 week arguments over nothing. It is so very, very ,very hard to accept that the narcissist is actually trying to hurt you.
Excellent advice!
Yes those arguments over nothing and that lasted forever... Or until I apologised for whatever absurd fictional logic was thrown at me... were a killer. I just got so tired of going around and around and around in circles.
Oh yes! 3 hour arguments! Our counselor told us keep it to 20 min 30 min max. Gave us the tools to use:
1) Mirror back what the other is saying regarding the issue they are concerned about in order that, they understand what is being shared.
2) Validate their concern and give them an example of how you understand.
3) Empathize because it's the highest form of maturity.
He always got stuck on # 1 b/c he couldn't listen to understand anything that was being said and NEVER could he validate EVER!
I had a long long conversation with my sister abiut my parents, my narcissistic mother and enabling father. I told my best friend, and she just told me kinda perplexed like, that I NEED to put a boundary on the length of time I allow myself in stressful conversations. And that sounds super simple, but honestly that is the first time I have ever even heard of that concept..certainly never occurred to me how many hours I was not required to give.
Don't get me wrong I noticed, my husband and my kids noticed, and I would automatically beg to end a conversation saying they needed me. I just have never had the thought in mind that my time is just that..mine. That I am free to exit a conversation I don't wish to be in anymore.
So many many hours and hours and days of conversation or rather being talked at by my narcissistic mother..it's unreal the vast openness of time I have now that I am separated from her.
Living with a narcissist is like a daily workout
of biking thru wet sand on a dismal, cloudy, rainy day! 🙄
So much is already stacked against any ease or joy of the moment.
I feel sorry for narcissists. But not enough to join them...
Best you can do for a narc is point them to a shrink and hope that one day they will realize that they do need one. Going along with them is counter productive to their own well-being on the long term (and ofc yours, but that is established)
DonnaLa Fitness Great analogy!
Great analogy. Spot on!
Oh yes, I married a narcassist in my 60s and suddenly life got very hard. After watching this youtube message I can see, on reflection, it was literally everything - from preparing to go out - there was always something more, to putting up a tent, something I had done for years with the kids, in less than an hour, actually took over 4 hrs and I ended up walking away, I couldn't take any more. Planning for anything could also involve dummy runs, to get travel times and locations correct! Every single thing in life was very hard...now we are divorced (married 7 incredibly long long months) I have found it's not me getting old - its just how he was - he sabotaged everything, all the time! I do not recall one happy outing or event, which did not heighten my anxiety before leaving home, it kept me on edge the whole time and no peace on the return home...sad but ever so true. I've never been so happy to just do it alone!
I was visiting my ex-husband ( a covert narcissist) and while washing the dishes I ran out of dish soap. So the next day at the store I picked up two bottles and handed them to him. He said no, he was only buying one. He wouldn't budge an inch. He was adamant. Who gets adamant over dish soap? It turned into a fight since the guy makes over $100K, I couldn't figure out why he couldn't spring for the $3.99 for the extra bottle to never run out in the middle of a sink of dirty dishes. I couldn't believe that buying dish soap could be excruciating. For our whole 15 years of marriage he would repeatedly seek me out to ask questions and then whatever I said, he would do the opposite. Why did he seek me out to ask, only to thwart my wishes. It took over a decade before I could even see the pattern, it was so irrational. My focus in life was to make things easier, to see things get better, to move up, to work toward something good. AND HE MADE EVERY STUPID THING EXHAUSTING!
My husband also! Sometimes I have to act like I don't want something or don't care about it so that he won't sabotage it! And all our family videos have his emotional badgering included. Great memories there, great memories! -NOT. I won't even go on vacation with him anymore.
Great example with the dish soap!
It is much like a form of gaslighting, that instantaneous adamant. It holds a tone of "how ridiculous of you to even suggest such a thing". I was imagining responses to my post that said "well, it takes two to argue". It is nice to find a forum where people understand. Others have no idea how harmful that "it takes two.." sentiment is to someone who has suffered through this kind of relationship. What it is like to go through life trying your best to be kind and agreeable next to someone who shuts you down, argues, disregards, or flat out contradicts at every turn. It really can drive you mad.
I agree. And unless someone has lived through it, they just wouldn't understand. The narc sucks the joy out of every situation no matter how small.
I hate to say it but I honestly went back over that day and this incident to see if I had "used a tone" or been too pushy or did something else to offend him that day. This is what the narcissist does to you. You know it isn't about the dish soap, so what is going on? The idea that someone would go around sabotaging an outing and intentionally being a dick is just so alien to me. The next guy I'm with is gonna have the attitude 'honey, I'll buy you a case of dish soap if it makes you happy." I'd never ask him to go that far, but that attitude of cooperation would go very far indeed . Isn't that how people are supposed to treat others? I'm also from the school of thought that says, hey if someone's willing to wash my dishes, a little bit of gratitude might be in order.
I developed severe anxiety because of the narc, and the last three years I have been working on healing through meditation, counselling.... Now it's getting easier to feel more relaxed, as I am naturally laid back person....he probably hated that too and tried to break me.
When you said,"Two words, CAR RIDES!", my mind immediately went to several different horrifying car rides with different people, and I was thinking,"How do I get myself in these inescapable situations?". The sad thing is, one was my step-mother who I have completely eliminated from my life and now it's my only daughter with whom I live out of necessity. When you are vulnerable they instinctively know you are at their mercy. I have learned not to engage and to quietly remove myself from the situation. It's just so emotionally draining, and it does make you feel less than.
I know this is going to be one of your most viewed videos! And, the irony is they tell us that WE make things so "complicated and difficult," when in reality it's them!! I always thought it was me. They're constantly gaslighting and flipping reality. Talk about confusing. Now I can detach from the false beliefs and work on my issues, not Theirs. It's enough to own one's own stuff. We don't have to bear THEIR cross. Thanks for this stellar video.
You’re right! They do turn it around like that and accuse the target of being difficult. Thanks for mentioning that!
Breakthrough Moment omg so true I am married to one UGH
loveea other I'm very sorry to hear that. I know how hard it is. Narcissism is a personality type, regardless of who it is: husband wife, sibling, mother, father, friend, colleague, classmate. They're all clones of each other and equally strenuous.
Breakthrough Moment - I notice they always suggest ridiculous things and then put you in a corner where you have to accept or disagree.
well, you're issue WAS THEM... now things are much better... eh? : ) I learned the hard way as well, and I AM... 45+ years old...
My narc has ruined so many special occasions, even a trip to Hawaiii! And girllll preach about car rides, good lord
I’m sorry I left this out of initial comment but I’ve been married to a narc for 25 years, together for 30 and I want to thank you for helping me to understand why everything- and I mean almost everything in life has become so hard.We become withdrawn & they all but kill our spirit.Many become prone to procrastination, lack of motivation & just become introverts from the Post traumatic stress...I’m really going to try the mindset you say to replace it with.See how much you help people?Ty again ❤️🙏
Renee God bless you. I hope you have left your Narcissist.
that is spot on...they do become soooo. introverted , and leave stuff...undone or half done, 38 years for me,married to my wife (covert narsicist) my kid help me get out of my slumber..brainwashing....me a coodependent, empathetic..its like wake up from a bad dream into a nightmare...God help me...& her
Renee 'they kill our spirit'. These are the exact words I used about my narc mother when I was talking to somebody when I was concerned about the way she was treating my younger brother and sister after I left home. I only wish I'd heard of this disorder then, I might have been able to do more to help
Get out of there with the narc. I know it's easier said than done but you only have one life on earth and it's not fair to let your partner suck it up and spit it out by living only for them.
Yes, they always need to "organize" something and boast about it, as if everything was so difficult. From grocery shopping to applications or getting their car fixed, etc. That's why they never finish or achieve anything. For me on the other hand, things were always easy, but not while I was with him.
I did notice several years ago that EVERYTHING is hard with or around my mother. No one else in the Universe every makes me feel the smallest task is as challenging. Breath by breath and small steps away from her have made all the difference. Life is beautiful and magical.
No wonder I was making life so difficult for myself. I was taught as a child that it was. That is so basic and simple. Life really is not so hard. Thank you.
“Two words: car. rides.”
🤣🤣🤣🤣
omg all of this is so spot on.
Sleepy Santosha 3 more - "cruel and unusual." They are indeed torturous at times. Avoid altogether if possible.
Sleepy Santosha Oh my god! You just helped me realise why my panic attacks have almost always been triggered by car travel! That feeling of being TRAPPED with them in that toxic atmosphere hurtling along the road with NO ESCAPE towards some lovely destination or event that was bound to be ruined and that it would somehow be all my fault!!!
Jeffrey Sherman I was thinking about this today. I always got caught out with how he’d make these unusual statements and that would somehow make it all seem plausible and so I would be off-guarded and tend to believe it was me not understanding and therefore in the wrong. Then he could sit back and relax as I did all the self punishing for him.
Sleepy Santosha oh oh oh car rides. I used to take my knitting otherwise I would go nuts
Bronwyn Tanner I am so glad I’d given up owning a car by the time I met ex. He was always expecting people to drive him and take him shopping &c. I would have been on call 24/7.
I remember asking my mom that very question, “why was everything so hard when we were growing up?” Of course she looked at me like she had no idea what I was talking about. Now that I realize what was going on, I see it was supposed to be like that. She was running the show. Extremely thankful to be in charge of my own life. Amazing how much peace I am finding being nc. Love your videos and your Instagram page. Especially coming from someone who has lived it too. All the best!
My dad in a nutshell. I worked with him for 14 years at his carpentry business. When I went on my own 4 years ago everything seemed to start to magically get easier. The way we did things, tools we used, dealing with customers, etc. He didn't speak to me for two years when I left, took it as a huge insult and acted hurt yet told mutual people he was happy I was on my own. Im just realizing now the extent of his narricissim and everything is making sense now. Including why I ended up attracting other narcs into my life. Now my business is soaring, very successful and all I can see is endless opportunity. Thanks again Merideth!!
Isn't it amazing how things start to "magically" get easier when you're on your own? Great example and inspiration!
I CAN relate !!!
Thanks for posting , 👍
Daniel Ziemke thanks for sharing!
When I finally did leave my covert narcissist husband, I did my first project about 6-months after leaving him. I both painted and stained the ceiling of my porch. There was a border that was painted and I wanted to stain the rest of the ceiling and he flat out told me that I couldn't do that! He said I had to paint it all since part of it was painted. Anyway, I did it my way and it was a ton of work but it came out unique and beautiful and I loved it. Soaking in the tub after the last hard day of work, I felt absolutely elated. Even he admitting that it looked great and that my taste and instincts were very good. Still even that realization never stopped him from arguing tooth and nail that I was always wrong. Anyway, that project was the first time in 15 years I was able to do a project without an excruciating fight and someone right behind me sabotaging my work. Could life really be this easy and satisfying? Yes! Yes, it can!
This is so wise, and I wonder if this is related to the self sabotage of procrastination which we employ. Putting things off because we expect them to be super hard. All baggage from our relationships with them!
Actually that happens to everyone, we always think things are going to be harder than they really are. It is like hesitating before a jump: unless you've done it already it is only natural. Narcs just take it to a whole new level, and - worse - they try to bring people down with them so that they will feel validated....
I've been learning about narcissism over the past few months and it has been a revelationi. This piece of the puzzle about how HARD everything is is a BIG one. Thank you!
YES!! YES!!! YES!!!I have spent most of my adult life content with living alone and just dating. It is sooo peaceful. I just did the living together thing and ended it after a year with someone who made everything miserable. Shopping. Driving. Outtings. All because of having to micromanage every step, debate and cut down my every move or thought or feeling. By far the rudest person I've ever dated. At 49, if he hasn't sought counselling or sees a problem for his issues, it's not my cross to bear. Intelligence is sexy, but wisdom and kindness are too. In the past, I would just state the problems and end it when they didn't care to address them. They always accused me of not "fighting" for the relationship. Well this time I did. Screaming, cussing, name-calling right back at him. I told him if he could dish it out, he better take it. This one didn't accuse me of not fighting. Lol. The irony is they never want to end it, yet treat you like a total moron. If they thought someone was a moron, WHY would they WANT to be with them? Oh ya. Because they ENJOY abusing. Good riddance.
“two words - CAR RIDES” - I could write plays, essays etc,
I’m free just knowing I will never have to ride in the car with him again.
You do a play, I'll do a musical.
I started hating and even totally avoiding a car ride with my X it became a nightmare!!!
So right on. Changing a broken light bulb becomes a 3 day ordeal. It’s a pathetic way to live.
My Dad sees only the bad in everything. He could make you regret winning the lottery. No matter what, he ruins anything good. I can't imagine how he is inside his own mind. He's a Soul Murderer. Made me hate being alive. Now I realize that's all his crap. My life and my headspace are different.
Lori Miller wow I am around the same type. I wish they could say just one thing positive or nice. It just is not in them. Even if you ask them to repeat a positive sentence word for word they can't. They will slip in there negative version.
I gave my father a present for his birthday i know he likes and uses a lot. His response? 'Oh, how dreadful'
Antiochia ad Taurum what a worthless tosser he must be.
JOY SUCKER.........
Turning the best of times into joyless memories.
Lori Miller my wife does too, she's a ball of miserable torture n puts it on me!
Great video. The simplest things have become the most stressful , I’ve stopped asking for help and if he offers I just say “ no thanks .. I’m fine” . He says I’m the control freak for wanting to do everything myself but I just can’t deal with the tension when he helps . I have a feeling I’m not the first to say “ no thanks” but I guess he prefers to see me as the problem. Thank you for all your help.
Well, my life is pretty difficult but I take solace knowing that it would be much more difficult with my narc family in it. No Contact was one of the hardest thing I have ever done ... but also the best. For the first time in my life I have peace knowing they are no longer in my business ... making it their business/problem. Privacy and peace of mind is the first step in healing. Thank you Meredith :)
M Daze I'm trying no contact right now. it hadn't been 24hrs yet.... I've been trying no contact for 1.5yrs now
I've been watching this channel for a while now and I finally realize that I have had enough with my Narc so today I left her. It's going to be hard but I am determined. The healing starts now
TheWhisperTexan you ll feel great soon.
I have a 27 yr marriage with a narcissist. He makes everything hard. We rarely eat together now bc of this. I stopped setting up dinner at the table one day bc the very thought of the chaos to ensue was revolting. Car rides are painful. I had a lightbulb moment with this video. Thank you for post, now I understand.
Yes, I’m starting to recognize this!!! I’ve been journaling because it helps me with self reflection and recognizing that I have taken on that mindset too. Life isn’t that hard when you think about it. ❤️
Yeah lol every silver lining has a cloud. They just don't get that they ARE the cloud 🙄
So glad to be free of all that crap
So on point! Every single thing was so difficult. Non stop drama, mind games, circular conversations! You have helped me so much! Thank you!
I've been married to a man with NPD for 23 years. It has DEFINATELY taken its toll on me and our children. My husband has become much worse with age as well. He is now openly paranoid, hostile and delusional - for lack of a better word, he is crazy. This wasn't the case until fairly recently, he is 61. Before he was openly grandiose. He would brag about himself until it was so embarrassing for us all. Now, he lies. He makes up stuff about his past that never happened to make himself seem grand. He has hoarding disorder and other OCD behaviors and is always afraid to try anything new because something may go wrong.
He has ALWAYS made even the simplest things difficult. He takes the joy out of every single holiday or even that our family would ever try to partake in. All we ever wanted was some normalcy but it seems as though normalcy is something that he knows nothing about.
After watching him evolve into the angry, controlling and bitter old man he is now, I truly believe this is one of those self-fulfilling prophecy situations (at least for him).
Years ago when we first met he did have friends (shallow acquaintances), but now he has none and will tell you he wants none. He has befriended a few of co-workers over decades but all the "friends" that he talks to are (admittedly and labeled by him) Narcissists. He would say to me that they were only using him and ALWAYS picks them apart and speaks terrible behind their backs.
He is so sure that everyone else had bad motives and he is always right. He is sure that people want to steal from him or lie to him or screw him over in some way, that he sabotages every chance to have real meaningful relationships with others. I suppose it's because he cannot handle the shame or embarrassment.
I feel like part of the "making things difficult" is because my malignant narcissist will ruin things, keep things miserable and control his level of depth in hell before anything unexpected can go wrong and throw him off kilter.
Any tiny thing that goes wrong in the day will set him into action..Blaming and raging! He controls everything now. Even money. I have NO FREEDOM.
My kids and I want out yesterday and that's my goal. SOON.
Scary. It’s like your talking about the exact person I’m thinking of. What a self-involved pain in the ass that person is. Lol. Great video thanks.
i mean everything else you said is so true but this -- "two words: car rides." nooooooo shit. its so nice when someone else understands. im on the verge of tears over two damn words.
Haha, I love the synchronicity of my life today! I was just telling myself life is so much easier without my Narc ex...if I could live with him for so long, doing everything like a slave for 13 years, then I can sure do this looking after myself...and I get to have my dreams! Thankyou Meredith, big hug back to you xx
A true blokkade in your life. I left the narc 2 years ago and man I have freedom for life, I am so happy.
You are SO RIGHT---- thats why you feel so drained afterwards. I dread like every question i have to ask. Or an answer they dont like---- jeez
Thanks for this video. It’s described my life with my ex husband , life gets so hard and unpredictable all these years. Bad things aways happens with him. It’s toxic and stressful. It’s like he suck all time. He need drama or attention. Then he blame me for everything if I want conversation about it. His words “ why can you just seek for peace and harmony?” It was my fault ? What he know about peace and harmony???? Why is life aways high and low ? Roller coaster? Now I separated with him. I do realize life isn’t that hard. Not that scary ! It’s all because he was the one rocking the boat, minute I get off that crazy making boat. Ocean is peaceful and view become beautiful again! 💕
My grown son is a narc. I have gone no contact with him and it's amazing how much I can get done now! Just having all that drama out of my life is wonderful. Can you do a video sometime on narcissistic children?
Was such a timely message for me. I feel you are in tune with your community.
E.A. Berry narcs are the same. I feel sorry they are so ruthless. They study us and tried to get in front of our feelings. And then they do their magic. Its like being an outfielder and you figure where you need to be to make the play and where the 2nd, 3rd play is after that. Thats why we all can relate. Same lies, games.
Yes indeed they like to bring you into their version of reality.Afterwards they test what you will fall for. Their homerun is when they have sucked the will to be yourself out of you!
E.A. Berry totally in tune
E.A. Berry I agree
E.A. Berry soooo spot on!! I used to tell my ex-Narc that he lives in his own world like a theme park...but no one goes to that park and all the rides are broken. Lol. Thats how I felt he was. Only cared about himself. Like living in a bubble
After divorcing my narc husband three years ago after 35 years of marriage I find that I am still tired much of the time and go through waves of exhaustion for no apparent reason. At first I slept 10 hours at night plus took two naps during the day. I felt lazy but then I accepted the fact that I WAS mentally exhausted, and needed sleep to help my brain rewire. I don’t sleep as much anymore but when I feel I need to take a nap, I do. My life is so much better and easier now without him.
It takes a long long time to heal. I'm 8 years out of mine but am still drawn to these comment sections for healing.
I’m in the early stages of figuring out my 6 year relationship was with a narc. It’s so hurtful but so eye opening. I began to believe I was always wrong, something was wrong with me. We argued over the most ridiculous things and he always blamed me. We couldn’t get it together to even talk about marriage, buying a house, basically anything about our future. We never made it to the Grand Canyon after 6 years and what’s the first thing he does with the new supply? Helicopter ride to Grand Canyon. Allll in my face, posted all over social media. Then he tells me he thought of me the whole time. What an ass.
Martine Montoya2 I hope so too :)
Nid F omg! I totally understand! You are much better off! Enjoy your new life! Cry if you have to, but you are now free!
Thank you Livininavan :) Day by day, appreciate your comment and support! Sending positive thoughts your way also :)
Ugh that's such typical behaviour. Mine paraded all over social media trying to show off to me. The moment I decided to delete him and everyone related to him was very empowering! I sent everyone a message saying it wasn't personal, just a way for us both to move on and that I wished them well. (I don't even do social media at all any more, which is even better!)
thing of this whole experience as a training exercise - valuable info for yourself, and to pass onto kids/niece/nephews.
Wow! This nailed it on the head! (As with every video 😉)So very true! My narc will oppose absolutely everything. Things that aren’t even debatable. You can’t even open your mouth around him. If he’s not deliberately tuning me out and rolling his eyes (in a very drastic way to make it as obvious as possible). He will oppose everything. Communication is impossible. Thanks Meredith, you’re helping so many!!!😊
Lisa C oh wow, yeah I believe it. Yeah they will pull any random, Irrelevant , 2yr type of comeback they can think of. Now actually that I think of it. Actually communicating to a 2yr old is easier. 🤣
Or when they laugh at you. Also, them even disagreeing with something they said previously. It's so frustrating and tiring.
* yes! Mine does that all the time! Makes me wanna pull my hair out.
Kate Cory is it someone you can leave ? Or get rid of out of your life ?
* Yes unfortunately it’s my husband. I want to leave, like yesterday. But I’m a stay at home mom and everything is in his name and control. I have no family to take me and my kids in. So I’m working on trying to find a job. So I can build a future for me and my kids. But I live in a tiny town and jobs don’t come by easily. So yes sadly I’m trapped right now.
Holy crap, you’re right! I didn’t recognize that during my narc relationship. Every thing was difficult, there was an issue, always.
Life is easy when I’m not with my husband. But you are right, everything is so hard with him. Miserable and negative. Always late and he doesn’t respect my time. My dad died in June and just getting to the funeral was a nightmare...we walked in an hour later then I was supposed to be there as a sibling and daughter. It was a horrible experience that was made so much worse because the later it got and the more I pleaded and begged to leave them more I was being “irrational” and “out of control”, the more he procrastinated. The proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back...proof of his only caring for himself. After 23 years of this ongoing abuse, I finally figure it out. How was I so blind? I thought, if I am just a better person/wife, he will love me. What a waste of time. Now my three kids are squarely in his pocket because I am the disciplinarian. He tells them “I need to stop yelling” if I put down rules and enforce them. So done, SO DONE!!
I realize now that my mother had a knack for ruining everything. I look at objects around my house, even the rooms in my house, and realize that virtually all of them have a negative attachment associated with her. But realizing that this negative association with things wasn't my doing--it was hers--really helps me. I'm beginning to look around at these same things and not flinch in pain every time I remember her negativity. This was a very thought provoking video. I've replayed the part about imagining life being easier three times so far. Thank you so much!
Thankfully those days are behind me. it was always hard with my narcissist ex boyfriend and there was always drama. He couldn’t stick to one thing but had 6 projects on the go and would tell me that in 6 months he will accomplish this and that but couldn’t commit.
I never quite understood why everything had to be slow or difficult. It fell all on me... I became very tired and depressed. His behaviour won’t ever leave him. I had to make a drastic change, like move out of town because he wouldn’t let me move on...
It took me a year to peel him off and get myself back...
Opt out of any contact with a Narcissist - Yes,yes, yes, absolutely yes.
Thank you. I needed this. Just last night I was stuck in thinking life was too hard and had a rough time. And now that the idea has been presented I think a lot of it is due to my narc exs views on life. She had agoraphobia and slew of other mental health issues she'd constantly take out on me. So yes. Everything was hard. Day to day life was hard. She was always the victim and life was unfair and everything I did was wrong. I also felt like a failure last night bc I felt like the 6 years I spent in this toxic relationship meant my future was ruined. But honestly. Things will be fine. Life isn't as hard as it was when she was in it. Thank you again. I really needed this perspective. I need to take my happiness back. It'll be a whole year this August.
Oh my word. Yes yes yes. Everything was so hard and so challenging. Continual. All the damn time. Shopping at the grocery store was a nightmare!!!! Shopping for anything. Food. Decor. Cushions. Argh. Horrendous!!!! After fourteen years of marriage I am noe alone and life is challenging but happy and not hard!!!!!!
Wow so true your words are spot on..Almost everything was a Drama for her. I went no contact with her and that same week I got a promotion at work and now everything is falling into place. The negativity of her, was pulling me down...without me realizing it I let my empathy towards her pull me down into a dark place in my life...I wish that it would have changed in time...but wishes are just that wishes...Lots of Love and peace to all...😉😉😉
Going for a stroll in the park is hard, with them. There is no such thing as spontenaity for them.
Narc sister made my entire life hard. She was constantly idealising me or devaluing me. I was walking on eggshells whenever she was around. Exhausting!! Discovering NPD was a gift. Good riddance to bad rubbish because it made me physically ill having her in my life.
Same here. I dont even know how many abuse cycles there have been over the years. I have only recently put 2 and 2 together and matched the pattern of her behavior and my life, the cause and effect. But when its your sister, and you grow up with it, it is a miracle to find a way out of it. Its not like everything was fine, and then a person came along and knocked me off balance....i didn't have a good frame of reference for what balance was. If anything, chaos and struggle felt more normal than normal.
I think it was when i listened to the book 'the secret', i learned that life was not meant to be that way, and subconciously, that may have been the start of my first attempts to emotionally detach and escape her. Its been rough. There has been alot of family backlash. But you may identify with this feeling of having your cup filled up, too much chaos, too much pushing on me, too many weird happenstances that in reality were simply the effects of her vandalism, or convoluted, yet targeted behavior against me.
I am not sure which part is harder, the thought that she deep down wants to hurt me, or that deep down, i am, as a person, irrelivant, a means to an end.
Validation.
Marie Minehart Couldn’t agree more. It took an abusive relationship for me to finally workout what my sister was. So many a-ha moments once I learned was NPD and Cluster B Disorders really entailed. My narc sister turned my family against me and drove me away. My parents, especially my mother enabled her toxic behaviours her entire life, she was the golden haired, wolf dressed in sheeps clothing. I was the only one she devalued and love bombed. If I see her in my next lifetime it’ll be too soon. Sorry you’ve lived the same nightmare, it’s something I ‘thought’ was normal too, but deep down I knew something was really wrong.
Lisa Deee Yes i can relate my sister is a narc. She controls manipulates she is the master manipulator. She will steal your money, take your things and when you question her she will make it seem like you are crazy. Thank God i do not see her that often because she lived across the country. When i do see her i see only evil and darkness.
Marie Minehart I watched The Secret and was meditating heavily right before I realized what was happening and went no contact with my sister too. It's not fun, as you know, but it's so much healthier. Just can't do it anymore. Stay strong ♥️
This is sooo true! Here is the story of the narc that I am currently trying to divorce ( which he is making hard!). He is a princess narc. He believes none of the "rules" apply to him. So, he is always asking why do I have to bathe and brush my teeth?why do I have to fill out a tax return?why do I have to get up and go to work? Needless to say, just getting simple things accomplished in our daily lives was very difficult. He did nothing. I did everything.
dapsolita I understand your comment. I married a narc 6 months ago. I've tried to get out but he won't let go. He questions everything I do. He says I think backwards. He's got me coming and going. I just cry.
Karla Scott you need to get out of there. It won’t improve.
I was married to a narc before I understood what NPD is and it only took 2 1/2 years before I was having suicidal thoughts. He was the breadwinner but suddenly decided he just didn't want to work, pay bills, acknowledge my existence or even get off the couch. He sat and popped pills and watched the same movies over and over again. He stopped brushing his teeth. I did absolutely everything! By the grace of God I sold our house before it went into foreclosure, got outta there and never looked back.
Oh Meredith, I can write a whole volume of making things difficult that should have been easy. No need to add onto the problems of the world by manufacturing them! A few things come to mind like the family of an ex when having to leave the house. There was inevitably a five act play about the car keys of which search that lasted for at least 10-15 minutes, maybe more. Why couldn't they just put the keys ONE place? That's what I do. No sweat!
My mother used to cry that she washed the floor on her "hands and knees"! As a kid, I asked her, why doesn't she get a mop? She didn't have an answer. She was always moaning about money but she had plenty to spare. Any payment was a big deal. A class trip could have been easily paid for by my parents but she had to make up a song and dance to borrow it from relatives.
I internalized the anxiety around me to the extent that it did make me sick, still am dealing with it. A friend told me more than 20 years ago that a certain person would make my life as hard as possible. I didn't believe her but she turned out to be right. My problem was actually believing that people can be this wound up, but some are. Purposely making life difficult for others is sadistic but they do it to themselves first. They don't have inner peace, but rather a raging inferno, so must project it on others.
The irony is they seem smug and content or would like to appear that way, while they are ramping up the pressure on you. It is correct not to give them the satisfaction of any emotional response. This way they can deal with their own unhappiness and unease thrown right back in their faces. I actually think it is also something metabolic with them, like circulating toxins.
Amazing I am so proud to be a part of this community. As I read everyone’s comments each were different but it yes I can for sure relate to that. Makes you feel not alone. Thanks
you are spot on and amazing thanks a million.
I hope you know how much it means to everyone that you make these videos for us. I have to say that you exude peace and kindness. Thank You SO Much!
Thank you, Meredith- I really appreciate this video. I needed to hear this today, and it's lifted my spirits in encouragement ♡
Awesome to hear someone give voice to the exact things I discovered...and life in flow is so natural and awesome, especially in contrast to experiences like those.
This video 💖 Speaks directly to the core of what I could sense was going on, why I knew it could never work. So much gratitude for the work you do 💎
You just talk like you know my life inside out. Can't emphasize enough your videos are excellent. Your videos have helped me alot. I keep your videos save for offline. It gives me peace of having faith in myself. Thank you so much. God bless you.
Ahh I love you so much!! Every time you post a video, I get so excited! You're one of the few people who really understands...
OMG YOU NAILED IT!! Meredith, thank you for ALL your amazing work! I am struck with how profoundly you get it.
You finally explained the torment of car rides, and the simplest transactions -> impossible! Simple requests or conversations, were sudden emotional minefields. Looking at my part, is where the true liberation comes from. How to make this just a little bit easier, is to never unnecessarily engage with them. And to keep tending to my inner garden.
I signed up for your courses, bought your book, watch your CZcams videos, recommend you, and I am WOWED at how you really figured things out! Your wisdom and guidance is giving me incredible strength and insight, that I am gratefully passing on. Keep burning your light - we are healing💐💗💜🌹
Thank you! Flow. Synchronicity. Beauty. Universal awareness. Joy....comes easily when you have healthy boundaries.
You are so spot on. It's so easy to forget that you have been drawn into such a damaging belief system and keep on struggling. Thanks for the really good advice on shifting this daily burden.
Hi Meredith, my sister and I had our awakening about two years ago. My sister woke up first and then me. Everyday is still a work in progress but my goodness love is so much better. The one thing I still struggle with is the idea that life can be easy. I get overwhelmed at time with my new thinking because sometimes I still sort of wait for some thing bad to happen and that causes anxiety. I'm lucky to have my sister though she's a bit ahead of me in the recovery process. We grew up with a narcissistic mother and an alcoholic father. Neither of them saw or heard us. We can almost laugh at the stories from our child hood now. We recall how even doing the laundry was the biggest hassle it felt like world war 3 every Sunday morning. We did laundry at the laundry mat so we had to her our things prepared the night before. She forced us to be up by 4am lots of screaming and yelling to just get out the door. She put us in a panic to be the first ones at the door other wise we would get the "bad machines" whatever that meant. It was a race to simply do laundry and it wore us out. She would then say it's your job I shouldn't even be doing this. You should be washing my clothes. We were only about 7 and 8 years old. That is a teaching age not an age to shame us. So now at time when I do laundry at my own home I literally have to catch myself from working myself up. It's the simplest easiest chore and not as hard as I thought it was. I loved how you explained how they make life as hard as they can. Another form or control I feel. Thanks Meredith!
I've been watching a lot of videos on covert narcissists and this is a new aspect that really hit home with me. My GF was always making things soooo difficult for example making plans, I was always waiting on her for everything and could never get straight answers to most things. I used to think she was just indecisive or just shy about things but I started getting this weird feeling and later on started to notice the patterns. What I found was that was that she was mentally collecting things that I liked or things she knew I found disrespectful or hurtful and she would so subtly push these little boundaries as far as she could without it being obvious. So YES they seem to love to make your life difficult! Thank you for this Meredith!
Yes, I think this is true for my situation but I never really thought about it much until this video. Thanks so much!
Good One Meredith!! I needed this today. I have noticed this devil's advocate attitude also. Irritating to say the least. I'll start rewriting this immediately. Definitely started in my childhood.
Great. You were right on. I receive the information and the hug! Thank you for your insights. I’ve had a tough marriage and I do find things “difficult” and all the drama left me with feeling like life is drama. I’m not the drama type and it wears me down. Healthy living and healthy relationships are the key. 🤗 to all who have been through these tough relationships! God bless you guys.
I really needed to see this video. Helps explain a number of people I have encountered and yes, it doesn't matter how hard you try they sabotage those attempts and make everything a drama, thank you
I love your channel! So interesting, and eye opening!! Thank you so very much for a great video!!!
Just found your channel with this video..Love it, so spot on! This was my entire family's mentality and I could never understand it
Grew up with heavy narc aunt influence. Never realized until the past year that years of psychological abuse is what's responsible for my introverted personality and just general difficulty interacting normally with people. I feel extremely violated thinking about what was taken from me as a child and even into adulthood
So good. Thanks, I needed this!
Meredith, thank you for making a video on this topic. This is one of those things where, when you grow up in it, you don't clearly see it for what it is. My mother ALWAYS made everything about her to the point where it's like I didn't even exist. I was a good kid, well-behaved and did very well in school, but none of that really mattered to her. No matter what I did, what I accomplished, she just didn't care. I began to feel like life itself was impossible and just "never worked out for me" no matter how hard I tried. I felt that there was something inherently wrong with me and that my life and my very SELF could not move forward for some reason...like nothing I did ever actually registered. From a very young age I came to feel hopeless about life and invisible. I had no sense of my own personal power or impact because I HAD NONE with her! It's like I was depersonalized and dehumanized to an extreme degree. I'm finally putting the pieces together and realizing that this is why I always have that voice in the back of my head saying, "This will never work out for you. You won't accomplish this. This is for others but not for you". It is so insidious and disgusting what these people do, to everyone, but especially their children. Children are literally trapped because they TRUST the narcissist/psychopath. And the narc WANTS it exactly that way.
Holy moley that's a big lightbulb moment for me. 😂 Thank you!!
I just started laughing out loud, for real, when you were going down the laundry list of examples of how narcissists make everything so fcking hard, because I have experienced all of them!
The somber, scarier part is looking at myself now and taking responsibility. As you say, in so many words, I am not responsible for the problem but I am for the solution. It is just so hard to change, but I so know that I want to & need to in order to survive, and who knows, maybe even thrive. I have a lot of work to do and I don't know where to begin.
I like how you worded that “I’m not responsible for the problem but I am responsible for the solution.”
thanks! yea I have been trapped in those horrible feelings for so long; even question whether or not i got a therapist that was on some npd spectrum... i am recovering right now, that slogan I have often heard in12 step rooms
Yes, they do make everything hard, EVERYTHING. I am glad I can finally understand what is going on. No wonder I don't want to be around them, I used to feel guilty, but it's not me! What helped me overcome this deeply ingrained belief that life was hard( I grew up with a narc mom) was my dreams and some manifestation videos that I listen to everyday when I fall asleep it goes into my subconscious. I was literally adopted and got new parents in my dreams. They speak to me sometimes still. They helped me remember what I want out of life. They helped me know simple things like what material I would choose to wear. I was never allowed to make choices growing up and again never allowed after I got married to a narc, so I didn't know who I was. Dreams helped me and of course your videos too!!!!!!
Roxann I can relate. Nothing I ever did as a child was ever OK. All I thought about as a child was I have to get away from these people. Avoided most of my family for many years.Lately because of illnesses and deaths have had a lot to do with them and I suddenly can't do anything .I am paralysed by indecision and can't even do mundane things. So wierd. I am trying to break free again.
This relates to my daily life and you just helped me more than you could ever imagine! He not only makes things difficult but I usually come to the conclusion that with him around some things are just not even possible! The more I learn, research and grow the more I see things are possible and I will get away from his control sooner rather than later of I just stop allowing him to interfere with my goals!
Hi Meredith,
Thank you for all of this, I know its your calling, but over this process i have come to slowly realize the gravity of the effects these people have on our lives. I have your Journey book, and I have your guided meditations as well. And I think i may have an helpful insight.
I have noticed, passed a certain point in journalling and self validating, that truth seems to rise in contrast. By that i mean, when i am NOT ruminating, not spacing out, trying to make sense of things, when i am working on my art, or garden or doing self care, then i get these big walloping insights, non-convoluted truths about the nature of my sister, and how she feels about me, how she treated me, even repressed memories surface.
You guys, it is hard. Realizing, and fully internalizing the reality that to my sister, a great love of my life, i am essentially an accomodating hamburger that makes jokes and agrees with everything she says (or else), is a real donkey kick to the heart. And to someone's earlier point, it doesn't take 2 to argue, THE ARGUMENT ISN'T REAL! Its the MAYO! And our time and energy is the BACON! And our integrity, you know, that tipping point where we have clearly given in, or handed over our agreement to whatever they want us to feel, to think, to say, to do...well, that's the angus.
Having this experience well into the rear view mirror I'm laughing with giddy relief that all the nightmares of "contact " with poison is over. You helped so much during the dark days Meridith. : )
poison is a good word for it.
Oh thank you so much for this enlightening admonition 😁
I needed this SO MUCH in these moments! I had a dark cloud in my mind and you make it dissapear with your words. You were my sunshine today! Thank you!!
This title was very easy to click on. One who's been there can readily relate to it. It is helpful and empowering to pause, look at it, analyze it, list examples of it, and get it all into perspective for what it really is. Just another automatic result of narc-ism. Good video.
Ive watched heaps of your videos, purely as necessary confirmation of what I'd already learned from my own experiences to encourage myself that I wasnt nuts & it really is that way (tho I knew this), but this video was a new & important revelation for me that I hadnt considered b4, though its so obvious to me now after heaing U speak about it. After 60yrs of abuse since a toddler, life has been unbearably hard, but I didnt realise that this expectation & constant state of dread was not just something I'd literally experienced, but was also a mindset I'd accepted about life generally, & though I'd sought to be as positive as possible, that I'd not challenged this mindset as much as I should have because I'd not had the necessary encouragement & confirmation of being able to expect anything but extreme difficulty, no matter what, & now I see thats a lie. I realised also that the Narcissists throughout my life trained me to expect only overwhelming difficulties in life so I'd feel like life would be even harder without them so I'd believe that I wouldnt be able to manage without them & therefore they were necessary in my life. This deception hadnt occurred to me b4, but now its so obvious. Thanks!
You had me at “car rides”
All my life! My mother, and my ex's sisters, poor thing is barely trucking through the narc network life. No contact 1 year, 3 months! Just listening to you talk about it made me tired & frustrated. I either laugh or cry! I purchased a dashboard dog (they still make them) Chihuahua Nodding-Bobblehead, that was me! Now if I have the misfortune of being cornered by a narc who lies to me cause they are so insecure; I felt sorry for them (really?) I will get my "Nodding-Bobblehead" out of my purse or car & say "Here, he will listen, nod his head yes, yes, yes. I am too busy for this nonsense. Keep the "nodding-bobblehead dog" it is my gift to you". Ten bucks! Great escape! I have been laughing all morning. I will no longer be a "nodding bobblehead dog"! My new boundary!
Resonates hugely, almost your entire list of difficult situations. Thanks again Meredith
Awesome advice, you speak the truth.
Thank you.
Love your videos. You are right never ask a narcissist for anything. It's best to suffer in silence if you have to. Don't ever give them the satisfaction any longer. Peace to everyone watching!
This is my on going experience with my hubby , word for word . Meredith you hit the nail on the head everytime , ty :) xxxx
They make life miserable for you. I just realized my “friend” I was having clean my house every time she comes over you have to listen to hours of her drama and complaints about her life, her job, her ex-husband, and on top of that complain non-stop about cleaning my house, how much dog hair is everywhere, how she should be getting paid $200-$250 instead of $100 and that’s what everyone else tells her (because she’s whining to them too). And how she goes above and beyond and not the average house keeper (even though I have to tell her every time to vacuum behind the small movable furniture) and even though past housekeepers have done better jobs in less time for only $15/hour not $100 for the job. She also never lets you talk cuts you off to tell her stories and doesn’t listen to yours and you can never get a word in edgewise. I’ve done so much for this person let her stay cheap rent twice in an emergency and she stained my carpet so I’m done with her. So yesterday she refused to come back and finish what she hadn’t done unless I pay her $180 and was refusing to bring back my house key. I’m like damn why is everyone in my life a Narcissist my ex boyfriend, her, past bosses, my brother’s crazy wife, I just attract them like crazy!
The realest video ever. This is 100% my mother. Especially the ordering at a restaurant. Thanks for such great insight.
omg Meredith, you are so right! Having been married to a narc for many yrs, I can see how it can effect my attitude. He had such a negative outlook on life that I forgot I was a positive person! Its so hard to be around someone who negates everything you say or do. In the end, I dreaded doing anything or going anywhere w him. It was miserable. Thanks for addressing this topic. 💜