Autism Behind the Mask. Raw, Vulnerable, Real.
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- čas přidán 10. 09. 2024
- Pushing through the pain is not a healthy long term solution. Not even being aware you are doing it is next level. In this video I share a deep ah-ha moment of unmasking my Autism on this journey that I have been taking you all on since the very beginning of my diagnosis. Thank you all for being part of this community as we figure this stuff out together.
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I started crying watching this. That isn’t a bad thing though. Seeing my own patterns in others is something I just don’t have much experience with.
I wonder if the root of this is a bit of a trauma response. And yes, you got there while I was typing. We’ve had this long history of never prioritizing ourselves quite often because the social consequences can feel so devastating.
Understanding myself better is so important, but this journey is so painful. Thank you for the vulnerability, I see you.
Thank you, I wasn't really sure I'd post this video, but after filming it, I did feel better and better again editing it. I hoped that others might feel seen too. ❤️
I'm sad you're going through this. I can relate, so much. And yes, growing up (and dealing with adulthood) undiagnosed autistic is straight up traumatic, because- at least for me- I had no idea why I reacted so strongly to situations like you describe in this video. It felt like nobody cared about me at all, sometimes, because I didn't understand why my friends would beg off over a headache but I never would, and I sensed that it was not safe for me to come out and ask that (I tried, once or twice, when younger, and it didn't go well). So I felt like nobody cared and that there was something wrong with me because I cared way too much. It was honestly awful and I have so much compassion for my younger self now that I understand why.
Oh yes, spot on. Like why would other people beg off over a headache and I never would do that? Because they learned to have boundaries and take care of themselves! I'm now learning that and it's a hard lesson.
Real love been sent from me, as learning how to self care is hard to learn. From another late diagnosis autistic
Thank you for understanding. ❤️ It is hard, hope you are doing well.
First Amanda, I want to say I'm so sorry that you have headaches! I have struggled with migraines for many years, so I definitely know they are no fun at all, and are quite disruptive to our life.
I can relate to what you spoke of in the video. I tend to project onto others what I "think" they might feel, and I often don't take care of my own needs for fear of disappointing someone.
I do get very disappointed and irritated when someone cancels on me for a reason that's something other than illness or an emergency. Especially if I sense they simply had "something better" come up, so they were willing to cancel with me to go do the other thing. It makes me feel unimportant. But if it's something unavoidable, then I totally understand and it's not a big deal.
But I have such a strong aversion to disappointing anyone that I will sometimes put my own needs on the back burner. For myself, I want to get better at asking how someone actually feels, rather than "thinking" that I KNOW how they feel.
Update:
Not sure if you remember, but I had been waiting for months to be able to get my autism evaluation with a local university doing a study on autism in older adults. If I was accepted into the study, I would have gotten the testing free of charge. After waiting all these months, and already having 2 long intake calls on the phone, they had me come in for my 1st in-person evaluation. Unfortunately, like 3 weeks later, they finally let me know I was not "qualified" for the study. I was really upset, for one thing I felt like they stringed me along for so long, and the other thing is I don't understand why I wasn't qualified (and they didn't tell me why).
Anyway, the good news is that I did find someone to evaluate me. It's going to cost a good chunk of money, but it will be a lot less than the standard amount, because they don't provide a full written report at the end. That's ok with me, because at this late stage in my life, I don't really need a written report for anything. I just want to be diagnosed for my own self-knowledge and understanding, which is really important to me!
As always, thank you so much for the information you provide. When you talk about your own struggles, and you describe how your mind works, it really helps me! I feel less alone, and I feel like someone understands me. 😊
I'm sorry they strung you along like that. They aren't thinking about the humans impacted. That really is frustrating. I'm glad you'll get evaluated. I do think self evaluation is valid but I also understand completely wanting external evaluation to be done. So good luck!
Appreciatively, Thank you, seeing this raw growth/learning representation is needed, I hope you personally feel better after re-watching/posting. This speaks to quite a lot of situations I've personally had and didn't understand my reactions at the time. Thank you greatly.
Thank you for this kind and supportive comment. You can imagine a video like this is not easy to send out into the world. ❤️
You are being clear, I am glad you can get it out....
Thank you.
I dont like changes to plans either. It makes me stressed out. At the same time its difficult to go through the day. I need to make myself do tasks but it triggers PDA...when im cleaning i want to be praying, when im praying i want to be reading. What the actual 😂 its not easy. And i am well aware of what you are saying. Im on my 3rd burnout because i let people take advantage of me and suck my blood at work. Sorry for the graphic language but im tired of my masks too. And yes ive been cancelled on and find out that so called friends are going out with each other instead. It happenned in school and now in adult life. I dont really want friends anymore to be honest.
PDA is not easy, I totally understand you on that. I'm still working on finding healthy friendships but it is hard. Some people are okay with more solitude and that's okay too.
The bit you say at the end is so important for the world to hear.
I hope the right ears here it. 💜
Thank you for doing this video, I understand it was difficult for you but like so many of your videos they help me feel not so alone in what I go through on a regular basis and this one really hit home. Thank you for your help in helping me gain more understanding about what has and is going on with me. I too am new to this discovery about myself, so seeing someone else struggle, although painful for me to watch, is so helpful, because I go through the same things too. Thank you again, I really appreciate you. :)
You're welcome. I'm glad it makes a difference, knowing others are figuring this all out too. 💜
I recognize myself in your story. I also push through pain. Cancelling or rescheduling doesn’t even occur to me. Dissociation has been my main survival mechanism. Changing the pattern is going to take time and effort ❤
ETA: The trauma goes deep. Souch to process, so much of the real, unmasked me to discover 💔
I love you sister, stay strong
Makes sense to me. ❤ hope tomorrow is better for you. Sorry u had a rough day.
Hopefully it will be! Talking things through really helps. I've got some big phone calls to deal with tomorrow that I'm dreading but I can get through them.
I’m so glad you decided to still upload this. It’s helped me under myself better. Sending so much love and strength xx
Thank you for letting me know, so I know these kinds of videos do help. ❤️
A very big part of being late diagnosed high masking is that we just got used to the thing that we have to push through everything. I was definitely that person. ‘Just push trough the pain the discomfort because it seems like everyone can push trough them’ Now I know they didn’t have to push trough anything at all. Just me. I know what you feel. It is very hard to not be so hard on ourself after all these years of masking a pushing. And if I accomodate myself I feel guilt all the time. I am working on this. We shoudn’t feel guilt at all
I think it's ironic I stumbled upon this video while also having a headache. I have a lot of childhood trauma and only now am I learning about the trauma I also have not directly from the abuse of my family but just for existing as a non-diagnosed auDHD person. Sometimes, the seemingly littlest of things can be really traumatic and we may not even realize it until much later when we have more experience in life and are equipped with more and better tools. I'm sorry you're going through this, I know from personal experience how exhausting it can be. I'm glad you at least already have a therapist who can maybe help you make the healing process a bit less painful. Don't forget to practice lots of self-care as well, you deserve it.
❤️ Hope you are feeling better now.
Thank you for making this video! I relate sooo much to everything you’re saying and I needed to hear it from someone else’s perspective.
😢 I relate to these experiences Amanda ❤
😔🩷
You are learning to take care of yourself! 💜
My version of .exe that runs in my brain is to not make people mad. I don't like it when people are upset with me because I want everyone to like me. So I'll avoid conflict at all costs, even at the expense of my own needs. Over the past few years I've really found my voice, but that underlying program still runs deep. Recently I was faced with going to an event to make my best friend happy, vs my own mental health. I finally chose myself and canceled. I'm so glad I did.
That's huge you chose yourself. I'm proud! 💚
Hi Amanda, Thank you for sharing your videos. I admire you so much.
❤
You're welcome, I hope it helps some. ❤️
I hope tomarow will go better for you....
Thank you, I'm sure it will be! Making videos really does help me process.
Wow, great awareness ....
Totally relate to this! I find it weird to put my own needs above those of other people, because it's not what I'm used to. I'm glad your friend modelled self care for you & you were able to learn from it. I hope you're more & more able to identify your own needs & put them first going forwards. Of course alexithymia doesn't help with identifying needs 🤣
You get it. Thank you. ❤️❤️
I am lucky that I do not suffer from headaches much anymore...
💙
Just my perspective but this seems like a CPTSD thing.
Probably. Towards the end I talk about processing trauma.
Add one more subscriber from that video! Lol
Glad to have you! 😊
You recognized it and now you can work on it. Next time you can try to tell your friend about your headache.
Yes our brains lie to us sometimes by reinforcing irrational fears
Wish you reach that light.
I'm doing the work. 😊
Hi Amanda,
Can you work on Meditation, which can surely Help. I have aphantasia too...I am working on meditation which is giving results for me. Now i can see a little bit in third eye image. I also do sungazing and its helping me.
Then you probably don't have aphantasia.
Can you talk about being perceived? I have a big problem that I always so conscious that people are watching me judging me percieving me. It can get so overwhelming that I can’t go out and meet people. What is your thought about this? I am late diagnosed at 28
This is a super common feeling for a lot of Autistic people. You are definitely not alone in this. Our Autistic masks want us to blend in, not make waves often. Differences are dangerous. So a part of your brain just doesn't want people to see you. My son struggles with this a lot more than I did. I subconsciously did things like make sure I didn't wear bold clothes and never spoke up about opinions. Unmasking has really helped me in this area. I talked about it some in the video I posted yesterday.
@@i.am.mindblind thank you! ❤️ wow not wearing bold clothes and not speaking about oppinions is so so familiar 😅 so good to hear that I am not alone in this
We live in a world of NT's who judge and label everything according to their shared experience. Anything different is labelled on this basis. However, have you noticed how we, as ND's, often seem to have a significant edge in certain areas? Personally, I've experienced this multiple times over the years - I've always become a subject expert at work and am the go-to problem solver. I "see" things almost no-one else does. Anyway, to my point...
I'm absoultely convinced that what we experience, and what is labelled as neuro-divergency, is actually the stumbling path of evolution. Think about it - we process way more information than NT's and many of us are able to use this to our advantage (when not trying to fit in). Think how many visionaries are ND's. Einstein, Newton, da Vinci, all were what we would now identify as autistic. Elon Musk is another. We're not lacking, we're experiencing heightened brain activity but our brains aren't adapted enough yet to handle it effectively. Miltons double empathy theory and experiments demonstrate that we have absoulutely no problems in communicating with each other - it's communicating with ND's thats the issue as they often simply don't have a common frame of reference to understand us.
Genetically Autistic people have been around for a long time. Both brain types are important and should coexist. One isn't better than the other. That has been an issue when Allistic people thought Autism was bad. But we are a variation, not an evolutionary wonder. There's a group of Autistic people who think they are superior and I think that is just as bad as people who think we are inferior. No human is more important or special than another. I think it's important to celebrate everyone's strengths though! NTs and NDs alike.