Being Pretty Is Like…Really Hard 🥲 - The Pretty Privilege Paradox
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- čas přidán 7. 06. 2024
- Pretty privilege is the idea that people who are deemed more conventionally attractive-based on deep routed beauty standards-have an upper hand in the world, given more opportunities, social advantages and in general have an easier life that those who may be deemed average looking.
And this is what’s known as the halo effect.
The most recent study on pretty privilege, took a deeper look into why we as humans, automatically connect beauty with goodness. And it found that conventionally attractive people were perceived to have more moral traits than those deemed un-atractive. And not just moral traits, but human on average tend to automatically believe that more attractive people smarter, more creative, more financially stable, more socially aware and more hygienic than those deemed average.
And this is what’s referred to as the Halo effect. A person who is perceived positively in one area, wether that. Be looks or intelligence, is assumed to have other positive qualities in all other areas as well.
But can you be so attractive that, it works against you?
Sources and references:
www.lifeintelligence.io/blog/...
www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/arti...
bond.edu.au/news/whats-price-...
www.pnas.org/doi/abs/10.1073/...
www.refinery29.com/en-gb/dumb...
www.idiva.com/lifestyle/hot-t...
www.bbc.com/future/article/20...
blogs.dickinson.edu/secretliv...
www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-3...
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www.tedmed.com/talks/show?id=...
screen-queens.com/2018/08/07/...
www.artfido.com/this-is-what-...
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Said Cleopatra instead of Nefertiti! Sorry!
Egyptologist here with a fun fact: 'Nefertiti' means 'the beautiful one has come'.
@@SarahColledgeohhhhhhh very fitting!
Cleopatra wasn't physically attractive, she just had really good PR management.
honestly, that felon who got the modelling contract is not very attractive. What captures everyone's interest is the striking distinction between his skin color and his eyes. Imagine if his eyes were a medium brown...I don't think he would have gotten much attention.
His eyes look baby blue in his mugshot, but his skin looks beige. It gives him a captivating appearance.
@@JamesWelsh look up The Femme Fatalle effect. Also, too much symmetry or mixed features are creepy as Uncanny Valley.
I have anxious possum privilege.
That’s one of the best
I have exhausted pigeon vibes.
@@KikiMTL Do people give you free bread
I have the wanna be a cute small male dog instead of an adult human female complex😂
😂😂😂😂
Years ago, I watched an interview with a beautiful woman. Blonde hair, blue eyes, and healthily skinny. Her mother and father abused her growing up. Her father left, and her mother was a drug addict who passed her around for free drugs. Her mother even broke her jaw when she was a small child. She was removed from her home and placed in a group home where she was sexually assaulted and physically abused. She ran away from home after her mother regained custody of her. She then got pregnant and married an abusive, older man. She escaped his abuse and got into sex work. At the time of the video, she was only 22.
"Pretty privilege" doesn't save people from being hurt. A pretty face can hide trauma. And jealous people will ignore someone else's trauma because they can't look past their own bias.
Wow! Great insight
thanks for saying this❤as someone with complex PTSD from childhood CSA who also has "pretty privilege " now, it did not protect me from abusers(or others during my teenage years).
I once had someone tell me "well I'm glad you have health problems, because otherwise I'd hate you for being so pretty." took me a few days to digest that one...
Yep.. My childhood was hell...I was subjected to ALL Types of abuse. I still struggle with PTSD. People tend to believe that I lead a charmed life with no problems; nothing could be further from the truth.
Thank you. When I was younger, I had ppl who were obsessed with me. I literally found a shrine in a closet of my missing stuff. That person said they wanted to replace me and tried to take me out, but I defended myself. I couldn't understand why anyone would want to be me because of the abuse I experienced from "loved ones" and bullying from pick-me "friends." I was also held to a higher standard; adults were constantly telling my peers or younger kids that they should be like me. Adults also told me that I should be flattered by the shrine instead of concerned and apologize for hurting the person that attacked me. Even when I gained weight and got skin issues, others' desire to tear me down still lingered cause I was smart or had guy friends due to common interests. Eventually, I isolated myself to get peace. I have so many trust issues that I've been trying to overcome.
@@cymbamcreynolds8838 omg the steal your life ones are scary. One of them ended up living in my house with my man as soon as I was gone. She was really good at hiding her intentions but she slyly did me a favour.
I experienced this a little as my weight fluctuated between US size 4/6 up to 16. This wasn’t all the time, but at a 4/6, doors were opened more for me, people smiled more at me, I literally never put my own bag in overhead bin on an airplane - some dude always swooped in. I once just looked slightly annoyed that my phone didn’t have signal in a store and some guy offered me his phone to use. At a size 16, I was invisible unless I wanted to sit down on a mildly crowded bus, and then I got glares.
There’s still such a link between weight and “beauty.”
Yes. I relate to this so much. I was really skinny growing up and as a teenager and was told I was pretty often. I was a size 6 to 8. Men would often honk their horns when I was walking down the street and stop their cars to ask me to go out with them. Women and Men would compliment me, buy me gifts etc. Then when I was 21 I started experiencing health problems and I started gaining weight. I went from a size to a size 8 to 14 in about a year. The amount of attention I got from men changed in a big way. It's very disheartening to experience the way people treat you by appearance. We are always beautiful though! 💖
Same with me. I've been plus sized since I was 16. But every time I've lost weight, I instantly noticed how differently I was being treated. It was so bizarre.
Been here too, the difference in treatment can really scramble the brain. I've had old flames try to un-dump or un-ghost me since I lost weight, like ahem that is not how that works! Now starting to put it back on since starting testosterone, it'll be interesting to see who sticks around!
the amount of kindness people experience based on their weight is so sad, i feel you!!❤
I agree.. But for me personally I see so many beautiful "big" girls!!! Being to skinny for me because I am is not healthy looking...Anyway❤
James, this video says a lot about why people love a reaction channel from you. You could have made this video so simplistic and just dragged people for talking about having pretty privilege, but instead, you took a deeper dive to explain the phenomenon using science and sociological info. Great work! Love this channel!!
Thanks so much I really appreciate that! I’ll leave the reaction channel to Robert for now 😝💜💜💜
@@JamesWelsh Oops!!😅I've been following you guys for YEARS and I'm embarrassed I mixed you up!!😬Apologies!!
Here is your daily reminder that they are not the same person 😉🖤@@TheKindredTrucker
@@Mona_R Hahaha yesss🙃😉
i for a second thought you were actually talking about james creating reaction channel not roberts’😂😂
High school for elder millennials was definitely a minefield. My mom told me the minute I hit jr high “Don’t read beauty magazines they will only make you sad.”
High school for all gens is a minefield. 😉
i feel like it transcends generation. i'm a young millennial and i remember, vividly, my friends and i as a group telling our one friend's younger cousin "don't start wearing makeup because once you start, you won't like your face without it anymore" i'm 27 now and don't wear makeup ever unless im going to a wedding. i like my face naked and we tried to save her from what we experienced too
For some reason i always had apreciation to peoples beauty ,no matter if they got surgery or not, i remember watching on runway shows, or just stuff about Fashion, and i would be looking and star gaze of how pretty they are *for my taste* , and i would always look at them with a wish and motivation that i'd love to be like that someday too. I don't remember being ugly atleast for now ,i mean i was "ugly" in some terms when i was in school, if i listen of what other girls and guys told me and how they used to run away from me.. I had bunny teeth, still do, and i was more obese, i was full of pimples, and i used to dye my hair here and there. But i never started to grow hate towad me based of my apperance, because luckly sience i was kid i understood that peoples are different, and that's not my fault that i don't fit in their "beauty" pallete. Also, my ex started to insult me when i started to lose weight , calling me "You're not the same" and started to call me "starving" "slender" etc, was not nice, but ex had some weight, so i understand the reflection and frustation of it. But i learned to look good for my self, not for others, never did i care or i will, i was ugly i was pretty, now i'm just my self, living as i like and love. And never will or will have hate toward peoples that i find pretty, more than just to do my best to reach that spot too, i love challanges. Also i'm happy that i was keep taking pictures of my self as i age, now everytime i want i look on phone and i see how much i changed with time, and i remember every moment by pictures. So guys if you feel ugly or pretty, don't listen to it, take picture of your self even if you hate it or not ,and keep it ,in one day you can look back and it will trigger some nostalgia, we will never go back, but forward, so is cool to take present pictures that will remain past!
I came up in the 70s-early 80’s-and the look then was very little makeup. Then it swung way over the other direction.😂
I worry about young folks putting on the thick makeup like influencers push-your skin needs to breathe, I feel like they start covering one bump and create many more.
You have a good mum
Pretty privilege absolutely exists. My weight has fluctuated my entire life. I’ve been really skinny, medium size, overweight, and obese. It’s UNBELIEVABLE how much different I got treated at different sizes. One thing I noticed is when I was thin I was considered pretty, I got told I was beautiful every day. During those times people would hold doors open, give me free things, pay for my order for me, I got promotions etc etc. But, when I gained a lot of weight I noticed people wouldn’t hold the door open for me, I never got compliments, or I received back handed compliments 🙄, never got jobs I applied for, sales clerks won’t approach me as much, and people will talk down to me, even though I’m an intelligent person. It doesn’t bother me too much because I don’t really care about any of those people who mean nothing to me. But the difference sure has been interesting to endure.
Is there anything that has changed in your own behavior? I am curious because I did not have this experience.
@@TheBaumcm maybe she was visibly more confident when she was conventionally petty and weighed less? thats the only thing i can think of
Accurate. And I’m sorry.
@@TheBaumcm I'm sure that's part of it for some people, but I can say that my anxiety was at my highest at the time period where I dropped a lot of weight, and I had a really hard time with people. Still, the first few months, before everyone realized I was an awkward wreck (it was a really small town, everyone knew everyone) I was constantly hit on, smiled at, got lots more opportunities than I used to. I wasn't really that concious of my weight loss either, so definitely not a change in attitude.
You have beautiful facial features. Your eyes are gorgeous. Many strangers are kind to pretty people, its usually people that aren't so strange, that make life more difficult.
When I was in middle school, my hair was complimented by a girl sitting beside me. I thought she was kind a person. She stretched with scissors in her hand and clipped my hair.
I had a friend in high school, she was my confidant and when I no longer was there, she talked about my life, as if it was hers. She told everyone in school my traumas and one in particular, spread like wildfire. Before I knew it, everyone knew. Even the girl who caused it.
It is hard making friends as a pretty woman.
Also, another thing Ive had to deal with constantly, are girls/women who try to steal my man. It happened in middle AND high school. To take a man from a pretty woman, must feel empowering, HOWEVER they have to realize that that feeling is only temporary.
The best thing I did was find a man who doesn't like social media and has the discipline to say no to other womens advances. He's 6'7 and has been dealing with women like that, ever since I can remember, and I've known him for 16 years.
❤️️ I thank pretty privilege for our togetherness because when he was ready to be with a partner, he went for the prettiest woman who had her own hobbies, and liked him. His words, not mine. 🥰
One of the reasons I now prefer working from home is because I feel like the competition is more on an even playing field. Unless you need to be live on camera or have a selfie attached to your profile, nobody knows how you look. You are judged by performance and the way you behave rather than by your looks.
My mother was talking about my pretty sister and actually said "someone as beautiful as her shouldn't have to work a day in her life." I was working full time and had 2 part-time jobs. I replied back "Geez, only ugly people like me should be working our asses off." I spent my whole life as "the ugly one." Meanwhile, my sis has just skated thru life, and no, she hasn't worked at all most of her adult life
Well, karma will catch up with her, or maybe just reality - you have the skills and the endurance of a cactus because of your experience. Any problem and she’s cooked.
@@Diridonda cope
Your mom was right, ill take care of your sis if she's that beautiful
How does she survive without working? Just curious
@@Diridondayes, Karma for being pretty 😍
The good news about the halo effect is that even if a person may not be conventionally attractive, if they are kind and smart, we'll also see them as "prettier". Great examples are school teachers, at first students may notice a bigger nose, bigger ears etc. But by the end of the school year, they'll think they look absolutely lovely if the teachers are good to them. Works both ways!
Yep, pretty can seem socially confident but socially confident can be read as pretty. A warm personality, kind heart, genuine smile. All of those read as pleasant to the brain.
I think I always profitted from a "Good Manners Halo Effect". I am not woah levels pretty, but I always had the feeling I got treated really well when I was in my teens and 20s. I think it was just because I was in a private school and was taught very ladylike manners there and at home. I also got treated very differently depending on how I dresssed, in a flowery dress, a skirt and blazer and in my joggingsuit... very different assumptions about my intelligence and capabilities too.
@@thirstwithoutborders995 that speaks to me so much! Have been dressing down due to life circumstances meaning looking very messy and even doctors have treated me badly. Great social experiment though, if you don't let it bring you down... completely.
@@thirstwithoutborders995 i think what you're talking about speaks a lot more to classism than anything else
@@emmaj8726Oh, I am sure. But what I am saying is, even if you aren't naturally pretty, you can do a lot of external things to be treated better or perceived as more intelligent, rather than getting plastic surgery. Dressing well, being well groomed, good posture, tone when speaking etc.
It definitely becomes more than appearances as you age. If you’re a nasty person, you’re ugly. I cannot see you as beautiful if you’re not on the inside.
Yup- you get to a point in your life when you stop caring.
I don't care anymore now. I can't change my genetics. 🤷🏻♀️
Our brains are so powerful. They can literally change reality for us. I think that is why you can have older women with wrinkles who are seen as beautiful (Helen Mirren, Meryl Streep) and you can have women that look quite similar but something seems “off”. Your brain alters its response to what you are seeing in real time depending on how you feel, noticing the flaws that initially you missed. I think pretty privilege only applies to the first 30 seconds you meet someone because after that, it becomes personality.
I don't know about that. I work in an environment where there are different age groups. The amount of times I've thought, "am I back in highschool or something?" because of the judgemental and superficial way the people around me were behaving, it's been with coworkers my age(mid 30s) or older. I definitely get treated worse by peers around my own age and I get treated oddly by older coworkers, because I'm a little socially awkward(Asperger's) but I'm not cute or pretty to offset it.
The younger coworkers in their late teens and 20s are actually nicer to me and try to relate to me or include me more, even though they know I'm older than them. I think part of it is how they were raised, and what society valued during that time. You can definitely see how older millennials, gen x and boomers grew up in a less accepting society when it comes to appearances. Some of them seem mad that it's not socially acceptable to openly tease and ostracize the weird kid anymore, so instead they ignore them while they are present, and talk about them behind their backs while they think aren't there.
@@jelatinosa same ❤
yeah
A couple of examples of looks vs. attraction for me. Many years ago I worked in a retail job where there was a security guy who was friendly and fun, but not at all conventionally attractive. He was what you might call a nebbish. However, all the girls loved him, and I too, was weirdly attracted to him, just because he had some kind of vibe, I guess. Then there was the guy I worked with in a financial type corporate job. This man was insanely conventionally attractive, and had in fact previously modeled. He was also a truly nice man, polite, not flirty at all, etc. Just a nice dude. I liked him as a coworker, but as hot as he was to look at, I did not find him alluring, at all. I just appreciated how nice of a person he was. The point is, people can look hot or not, but there are other unseen elements, perhaps it's pheromones, who knows? that can make them attractive to others or not. Just some thoughts!
Thanks for this! I actually cut a section out of the script that was more about sexual desire than attractiveness and how it all ties in to pretty privilege and it was a lot more about personality than looks!
I love this comment! There is that je ne sais quoi that cannot be quantified or denied.
Thissss! SO true, had similar experiences
@@JamesWelshJames, I think you can do more videos on this subject. I was fascinated throughout the whole video. It felt like a beauty thesis, I loved it.
@@JamesWelshyou might want to look into the mating drive that has some people look for individuals who are completely opposite their genetic makeup versus those who try to find identical genetic makeup. It is a survival strategy mechanism to both conserve genetic information (keep it the same) but also recombine (genes can mix and match during division) to create genetic diversity, through controlling the oxytocin release. Our brains are like slot machines where some are programmed to reward us for some behaviors while others are programmed for the opposite. Our brains can even “incentivize” us for things like getting the right kind of nutrition by eating things we normally would find disgusting in starvation situations. There are also different health markers, and emotional traits, different for men and women. The degree of population can even have an effect because of competition for resources. It is wild.
I am French but lived in London for about 10 years in the nineties, I was in my twenties at the time and lived around Hammersmith. I remember regularly crossing an older woman, maybe around 50 or more in my street. She was stunning, short but elegant gray hair, slim and dynamic, her skin showed her age but was really beautiful, clear and dewy, her wrinkles demonstrated she had an happy life, there was something about her. I remember thinking how charismatic and beautiful she looked. Funnily enough, this woman I met regularly had a massive impact in the way I regard beauty: health, charisma and beautiful skin no matter your age. Pretty privilege may be a thing, but at first glance, you do make a difference with the energy you exude.
This reminds me of an experience that I had when I was around fourteen that really impacted my idea of beauty. I was at a small airport where you have to walk from where your plane lands across the tarmac to the tiny airport. On this walk I passed this woman who was perhaps late sixties early seventies. She was laughing, gesturing, vibrant, had her grey and silver curls cut into this really easy chic style, was wearing this super elegant but fun and bright outfit. Lots of wrinkles but great skin. You could tell she took care of herself. She looked like she was wholly herself, living her best life. In that moment I totally wanted to be her when I grew up.
I met an Indian woman in a sari shop in Phoenix, AZ. She could’ve been anywhere between 40 and 100 (she was 70) she had gray hair, pulled back and some wrinkles but like the woman you saw, seemed to have decent skin, and she was not perfectly svelte but she had a warm personality and mischievous eyes. I had never met her before but she treated me like family. It was then I realized that the exterior often reflects the interior. I have seen a lot of people here sharing anecdotal evidence that they were treated differently at one weight or another but I think what truly carries, outside of just looking at someone’s pic for two seconds, is how they carry themselves. If you aren’t confident in yourself, or you seem irritated, people may leave you to your own devices. You don’t have to be a supermodel to command a room, and a genuine smile and joie de vivre go a long way. I am an introvert by nature but I grew up in a very small town where everyone knew our family. If I told them my last name they ask which of the brothers I belonged to. I had to learn to be comfortable being approached and conversing with people I barely knew at any time. It made me confident in being able to talk to relative strangers and it came in handy establishing rapport in almost every work place I’ve had. This means I am more at ease in interactions, my smile is genuine, and I think that comes across. Just as pretty can be interpreted as socially confident, socially confident can be interpreted as beautiful, like Helen Mirren.
@@TheBaumcm Thank you so much for sharing, I totally agree with you!
@@ashleighmarine7333 The perfect combo! Self care and ageing with an attitude!
LOVE this comment! Yes for aging and also looking stunning 🎉
i can't speak to pretty women's experiences but going through life as an ugly woman is hard 😥
Yeah it is
I literally could have a PhD, be a rocket scientist, saving babies from fires and baking the perfect cake...
And I still wouldn't get anyone to find me attractive.
People only seem to like me once they've talked to me for a bit and they realise I'm not a bog-dweller (!)
@@howareyoualiveifyoudonteatbeef i know exactly how you feel, i hate that we are judged on our looks and hate how people use science to express their disgust for women who aren't considered attractive. Im almost 30 now, never had a boyfriend so I will most likely never have a family of my own. I am sad about it but not bitter but I do think I have a bleak and lonely future ahead
As someone in her 50’s who’s lived a full life, let me tell you this isn’t true. You WILL meet someone and have love and a family. Just open yourself to all possibilities. Very few people go through their life having never met a significant other. Your day will come. This I absolutely promise you x
I can't speak for healthy pretty women, but as a disabled pretty woman, life is hard. No one wants to believe pretty women struggle, which has only made it that much harder to seek help, even from medical professionals. This is even reflected in the studies mentioned, where they found people assumed attractive people had better mental health and health in general.
It's an odd assumption that has no bearing on reality, but one I've had to face every step of the way in getting my disabilities diagnosed and treated. It's so bad that the only headway I was able to make was during COVID when doctor's appointments were over the phone. Once they couldn't physically see me, all of the sudden I was finally taken seriously. My problems were seen as legit for the first time once my face wasn't attached to them.
One of my closest friends is extremely beautiful. We've always worked together and often other women in the workplace perceive her as bitchy and mean just based on her appearance. She's literally one of the kindest and sweetest people I've ever known and would do anything for anyone who needed something. Her and I have talked about this, many other negative aspects of being pretty, as well as the positives her beauty has brought her. It's all absolutely very real but it's a lot more dynamic than people often think. Thanks for doing a video on this 💖
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It truly depends on the other half of the dynamic, the person seeing the pretty person. Someone tortured by a mean girl, is likely to see women like your friend in that way. Someone who isn’t threatened, either because they are pretty or they don’t care as much, will likely see a person who has a beautiful soul and will rate her even higher than her looks alone would garner. People are way more complex than “pretty? Ooga booga I help”.
I have always had people tell me that they assumed I was really mean or a bitch in general then for them to come to know me and realize I wasn’t that way. I never saw it as pretty privilege, I just assumed it was because I have darker and thicker hair against pale olive skin and I just intimate people with my contrast 😂 I do feel that way about blue eyed people, they intimidate me
100%. Sorry that they did that to her. I actually think pretty disadvantage is a thing (especially in the work place if it’s a very traditional office & female dominated.. sadly). You don’t have to look like Bella Hadid. You can be a regular person who might happen to be naturally slim and perhaps what society deems as conventionally pretty & people just judge you by your cover or how you speak and automatically hate you. Doesn’t matter how hard you work, how good you are at your job, how polite you are, how kind you are some people just stab you in the back & enjoy watching you fail. I just don’t get it.
@@thisgirllovestoshopx what you described happened to me at a company I worked at. My boss was 5 years older than me, she hated me because I was slimmer and younger than her (she admitted this to me on my last day of work after my contract expired, I didn't want to extend it because she made my work life hell). I'm not even good looking - I'm pretty average person - yet her reaction and treatment towards me was so extreme. Her next assistant that they hired was not attractive and chubby, just to tame her tantrums 😅. Some peoples' insecurities are insane!
I remember a line from cordelia in buffy when she got good grades. “What, I can’t have layers?”
Yeah, I’m not sure about this research. Why would Paris Hilton, a mega rich heiress, adopt a bimbo personality of people equate beauty with brains?
I just rewatched Buffy that line made me giggle all over again
I think a real struggle that “pretty people” go through, is people use them and don’t truly love them, just their appearance. It’s hard to find someone who love you for you, and isn’t distrustful that your appearance makes you unfaithful. Etc. so many people value beauty, it’s hard to find someone who values your heart and soul. ❤😢
Yes this!!!
Yep :(
I've never felt pretty. Middle sister, both of mine are GEORGEOUS. I always likened myself to the 'Khloe' sister growing up. People used me as a stepping stone to be friends/get with my sisters because I wasn't so 'intimidatingly good looking' (was also the ONLY sister to deal with all the hard hitting puberty issues like acne, weight gain, and at the early 2000s - the popular body shape was Jessica Alba 'surfer girl bodies'. So now when people try to compliment me on looks, especially my body shape (woo hoo hips! lmao) it's automatically a distrustful situation - especially since I know I'm not 'influencer' level like mentioned above. I mean. I am average. I know I am average and I'm okay with that! :D
Yes this! Holding friendships and knowing if someone is truly your friend is incredibly difficult
My younger brother is very attractive, especially when he was in his late 20s (he’s 40 now). He is a LOVELY guy, faithful, sweet etc. He told me that on a night out he tried talking to a girl and she said to him that he is ‘CLEARLY a player and that she wasn’t interested’. Her loss! He’s been married 10 years to a lovely LOVELY girl and has 4 children with her…he met her on a night out.
Don’t judge a book by the cover.
Not James SHOCKED when he measures his forehead and realizes he’s PERFECT. 💀💀💀💀
I hate pretty privilege. I grew up in a very strict and abusive household where vanity was taught to be a sin and as a teenager I would be followed and hit on by older men. My mother blamed me for this. I’ve always had a naturally curvy figure with a slim waste which many of the women in my family do. I grew up with body dysmorphia and developed and ED because I was taught to be ashamed of my looks. However by society standards now, I’m conventionally attractive. So people dismiss any and all mental health issues and problems I have because being pretty is a privilege. They dismiss any hard work or achievements that you have as being given to you, which is not true. Like I’m not allowed to have issues and problems and therefore when I have problems, I just keep it to myself.
i really feel you on this - "pretty" enough for people to say me talking about men hitting on me and making me feel uncomfortable as "pretty privilege" but having lots of shame around being desired at all because of growing up in an abusive religious household. as a result i've also struggled with body dysmorphia, EDs, avoidance towards forming any sort of romantic relationships, inherent distrust that people are hitting on me based of looks rather than me as a person. it's difficult but i'm working through it all slowly! but definitely a situation most people have disregarded by sweeping me under the umbrella term of having pretty priviledge.
i was often told that the reason why people are able to open up to me more is because i’m conventionally attractive. i only became conventionally attractive recently and have noticed a massive change in how people treat you. but i agree - the way you look is such a shallow perception to maintain. i’m more than my face. and i love being able to have my friends feel comfortable and to share things with me. and i value my kindness and openness as opposed to being conventionally attractive.
it’s unfortunately a small yet massively defining part of our lives.
Maybe attractiveness could help people open up initially, but you surely must be a good listener/provide good feedback as well.
Nah. I'm considered conventionally attractive but I'm often told that people assumed I was a bitch upon meeting me. I get "I thought you were gonna be a huge bitch. But you're actually pretty cool." People are always looking for someone to hate.
Is it at all possible that your change has changed the way in which you interact with the world which changes how it reciprocates? Only asking because for me, I’ve never had a difference in how people approach me, whether I was heavy or not, even when I shaved my head (for charity), and I think it’s because when I interact with the world, I’m not thinking about my avatar as much as how my personality is coming across.
How do you know you're attractive?
I'm not conventionally attractive but I have people open up to me all the time. Often I've been sitting on a bench outside a store waiting for my sister and have had complete strangers sit next to me and literally start telling me their life stories. I put it down to a kind smile and welcoming eyes and accepting attitude. This has happened my entire life since I can remember. Not bad for someone who is very shy and quiet. A teacher once told me it's my caring aura and nature. ❤
I’ve always been surprised by how entitled people seem to feel to my more “attractive” friends’ time/attention. Like, I’ve been hit on before, but not to the point of near harassment. I do acknowledge that pretty privilege exists but, anecdotally, people seem a lot more willing to be mean to people they deem attractive, especially in online spaces.
(Also, I totally agree with you on Seth Rogen.)
I will say sometimes people misattribute attention. Meaning something like main character syndrome or she’s all that (she’s actually cute as is but doesn’t realize it). I lived on a coed suite floor in college. My neighbors across the hall were kind of dorky but fun. They had a brand new PlayStation and they’d let me hang out and play (I say let me because I literally was just mashing buttons😂). I thought they only hung out with me to see my suitemate, the quintessential cute girl, tiny and feminine, and very pretty. Found out later when I saw one of the guys over the summer, they only TOLERATED her so they could hang out with me. We are way off sometimes with the stories we tell ourselves, like the fitness influencers who think someone is staring at them but they are probably just looking at the person talking to themselves😂.
No you’re right. I’ve always said being pretty is a blessing and a curse. People either love you or absolutely hate you on sight. And while yes you do get the pretty privilege/s but you also get the worst from the other faction of humans who don’t like you being pretty. For whatever personal reason they’ve decided. So while being average or ugly is lacking in the privileges, a privilege in itself is that you might not as often receive people’s wrath in the same way pretty people often do. That’s not to say they’re not mistreated by people completely unprovoked too, it’s just saying that I imagine they land somewhere in the middle of the opposing treatments by others where pretty people receive the two entirely different extremes. To the extreme.
No wonder better looking people are more confident and socially skilled, since they are treated way better from early ages, so social situations rarely have some negative connotations. Whereas for bad looking or avareg looking people, you have to earn to be listened and noticed or in worse cases not to be bullied.
Yeap. But even though most people are on average, we still show favouritism to the easy on the eye people. So, it seems the issue is mostly for ourselves and the negative impact.
It is quite funny.
My confidence doesn’t come from how I look but in the ability to talk to other people and my wide variety of interests finding some common ground. I wonder how much the disparity disappears when comparing the same person to themselves at different weights. I lost about 50 pounds but have always had an open and friendly face and make eye contact. When I lived near NY, people would often stop me and ask me for directions and people frequently flag me for help in stores, I assume for the same reason, even when I was bald. They do the same now that I am at my lower weight and I have noticed that a genuine smile can increase the pretty factor that people perceive.
You're completely brushing off the fact how much pretty people get bullied by less good looking people especially in childhood. If anything many good looking people are very insecure because of how bad people made them feel about themselves because jealous people think a pretty person basically "has it all", undeservingly so. So constantly try to "humble" them by lowering their self esteem in any way they can.
@@SensationalSeafairy ohh pls, don't even try to compare who has it worse.
@@SensationalSeafairythis was me. I look back at pictures at a beautiful child but all I remember from the time was incredibly vicious behavior daily about why did I just have to be a snob and I brought it on myself
I have averted a local group of teens trying to cannibalize the most attractive member which is what happens if she doesn’t have the personality to be Queen Bee or the Queen’s pet.
Im still watching but makeover movies really show this the worse. Because the "unfortunate" girl always just needs contacts and a haircut
They tried to convince us that Sandra Bullock and Anne Hathaway were ugly! 😮
I wear glasses and have crazy curly hair… yeah, those films really made me resent myself a lot😂
Queen bee syndrome is so real. I was 20 y.o. and had a manager in her 50s who mistreated me (think screaming at me in front of patients and their families when I requested time off for a funeral, trying to write me up for being 3 mins late after working 7 days straight of doubles, etc.) despite being an awesome employee but less conventionally attractive, overweight employees my same age that neglected their work, straight up hid during work, etc. got away with everything. I’m under no grand illusions about my firm placement in sort of average looks wise - this woman was just so small minded she couldn’t see past her immediate surroundings and I was young with a high metabolism. I didn’t understand at all until a more senior manager that knew her personally laid it out for me.
Didn’t stop her from trying to lie to me to keep me from switching to a higher paid dept.
I heard through the grapevine that karma caught up with her in the form of a HIPAA violation which got her fired and sued because she couldn’t help but keep from gossiping years after I had moved onto greener pastures.
HIPAA
I'm sorry you went through that but her being fired and sued is a great ending.
Yeah, I don’t think there really is a privilege off the bat…because it’s in the eye of the person beholding you. When you look at pap shots of celebrities without makeup, just going about their day, you don’t see people falling all over themselves, but glammed they can get swamped. There is a privilege in being able to move through a crowd unnoticed but it can be isolating. There is a privilege in attention but only if you like that. I also tend to take these stories with a grain of salt.
I had a similar experience. It was jarring, especially because when you're younger, it's communicated to you that people in positions of authority or people who are older are more mature or more reasonable somehow smarter. When you get out there though and you really get into the world, you realize nobody really comes out of high school. Most people are just stuck their mentally and emotionally and their behavior reflects it. It ended up making me combative. The issues I had with authority got worse and so did my bad attitude lol I came to the conclusion that I just need to be left alone and if you're not going to be fair to me then you just need to leave me alone.
I'm sorry you had that experience. I think it really varies. I was a beauty and had great female managers who were about the age to be my mother, but had no children of their own. I think I was kind of the daughter they wished they'd had. Granted, they were fairly attractive themselves, so perhaps they had once been beauties and faced rejection because of it. As a middle aged woman now I know I notice when a beautiful young woman is being ignored, ostracized, praise withheld, etc. and I make the effort to look right at her and give her appreciation for what's she doing.
I have “I’m an introvert and don’t give a shit about you” privilege. Love it!! ❤❤
I wonder what life is like with these problems
As I become older, I feel I become more invisible in society & the more I realize how much I benefitted from pretty privilege when I was younger.
I find it particularly challenging now to meet new people. I feel like I started on a ‘higher level’ in people’s opinions when I was young & pretty, whereas now I have to work a lot harder. I’m not the most outgoing so I find it quite challenging.
Maybe you should have developed your character more.
@@dawnsherratt2317being shyer isn’t a character flaw. Being an asshole to someone you don’t know is!
In keeping with the video, I doubt you would have the same attitude about me being shy if I’d have been ugly while being so. Says much more about you than me.
@@dawnsherratt2317that's not helpful
Don't listen to that troll. I think you have good insight of the problem@@yum_tea7912
Idk what u identify as gender wise, but ageism is another factor in pretty privilege. Beauty and youth are commonly associated and i feel like sociey dont perceive older people as attractive, especially for women. It like once you turn 40, its a crime for you to exist publicly. Tho i hope u find ur ppl, its hard in general tbh bcuz a lot of ppl are isolating themselves from others
in certain spaces, we use the word "desirability" around this topic since it's a little more useful. largely because sometimes people who benefit from desirability are not really pretty (according to popular beauty standards), they're just thin or fit. desirability also tends to encompass socio-economic privileges and how those impact how you're treated, because some people who would not otherwise be desirable in general society become considered desirable via their wealth, or grooming that becomes accessible through wealth. etc. anyway, the main point being, even if you're not born "pretty" according to the status quo, you can be perceived as desirable through other means, and those things are a big part of the picture.
also, as someone who's experienced both sides of the coin, i did face some difficulties when i was more desirable (thinner and younger), such as feeling like i was being watched all the time, being approached by strangers a lot more, and generally getting a lot of unwanted attention. now, with more weight on and some wrinkles, i don't face those things as much, but they still come my way (it's almost like i'm dehumanized because of misogyny and not because of "pretty privilege." weird). and on top of that, i'm now scrutinized in a dozen other ways, and get treated worse on a day to day basis. i'm also aware that the truth of the matter is, i'm less likely to get jobs like this, and i'm going to be treated worse by colleagues when i do secure one (there are studies about these things). no one is going to claim being desirable comes with absolutely no downsides, but as someone who's been there, i know for a fact the upsides outweigh those downsides, and life was easier for me when i had that privilege.
I like the word "desirability", I think that is more inclusive and closer to reality.
Moreover, to be honest, while "pretty privileged" exists. I think that a lot of the downsizes that I've read in most comments are more related to being a woman in a patriarchal society. I understand that people, feel somehow bad when they 're stereotyped for being pretty. But truth to be told, ehm, most people are stereotyped and had negative experiences as well. I don't think for instance that being perceived attractive is the issue e.g. being obesity, your ethnicity/ origin if it perceived as low-status, it 's going to create more difficulties I guess.
I would think that would also tie to things like personality.
As someone considered pretty, men tend to talk shit behind my back when they don't get something from me and they say that I "use my beauty" to get things.
Women have told me "oh you cant know about suffering because you're pretty, you have it easy"
Those are the things I really hate about being pretty.
I think people probably can be too attractive, I feel like 'pretty privilege' works best for those who are conventionally attractive, *conventional *being the key word. We find these types approachable and pleasing because they don't hugely stand out (neither overly pretty or overly ugly). If you're extraordinarily beautiful, you're not comfortably fitting in with everyone else, there will always be an 'otherness'.
It can also be literally dangerous to be pretty. People seem to feel they have some kind of right to use pretty people as they want-especially men, and they will act on that violently at times. Turning people, jobs, etc down can be life threatening. Women also tend to mistrust other women they perceive as “prettier” than themselves regardless of actions or values etc.
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Am conventionally attractive, and have experienced this.
I do not feel safe being left alone. I get harassed at work, restaurants, on the street, etc. If I reject people, I am: stuck up, rude, ungrateful, a bitch, etc.
People feel like I owe them something because my roll of the genetic dice make their brain happy.
Am a conventionally attractive woman but found it more problematic to reject women who thought their external judgment was more important than my own, as in confidence in my competence rather than arrogance based on a fleeting external subjective assessment. Insecure, even if they are pretty or prettier, equals scheming, devious and vindictive in my experiences. Never felt concerned being left alone, even when I lived near the city though. I do not behave as a victim (head on a swivel, know how to throw a punch) so I’ve never had a problem. RBF goes a long way too😂.
@@Mothman_In_a_T-Pose Hollywood films tell men if you just Be Yourself you're ENTITLED to a Princess Peach
No it can't lol, I'm ugly and was harassed on the street a couple of times, it's nothing scary and I'm not afraid to go out alone😂😂😂
This was so good! I didn't find it jumbled at all. Attractiveness research studies always make me think of all the people I've met who I didn't think were attractive when I first met/knew, then found myself in a total 😍 over how attractive they are some time later lol. Can work really well in the opposite direction too!
You’re right standards will change esp with AI. Symmetry is almost boring and wrong now because we’re learning that perfection is probably fake or could even be a filter over a scam.
Ugly people will always be ugly. Not something that will change. Just like fat people will always be unattractive to most people
This is why I subscribed. I'm only halfway through this video and the amount of research and detail you went through to understand pretty privilege through a scientific and historical lens is astounding. Keep doing these deep dives, appreciate your work ❤🙏
Love how James gave us a low-key works cited page in the description 😊
As a disabled woman I'm sick of having to do my makeup to have people tell me I look good and healthy, when I look normal and don't wear makeup I get told I "look sick"
Maybe it's because you do look sick, people don't say things for no reason.
@@user-tw3wo9eo2r Yes, but saying something someone already knows and is aware of is rude. I look sick because I am sick. I have been sick since I was born. Maybe instead of wasting my time telling me I look sick, make my life easier by being a good friend and colleague?
What a very well-thought-out video! I especially loved it when you discussed attractive female villains vs "deformed" male ones. It was such a nuanced topic that I hadn't considered before. Thank you for making such great content, James, and please continue to do so!
Happy Sunday, James! I’m so glad I watched this! When I first started teaching in a high school (oh so many years ago), a veteran teacher told me that my students would like me because I kept my hair done, wore make up and got my nails done. I was flabbergasted, but my students were cool which I like to attribute to my skill in the classroom. I agree as I’ve become older,what I define as attractive has evolved. While I love admiring classic good looks, there’s nothing more attractive to me than someone with whom I can ho,d a conversation and who has a sense of humor. 💜💗💜💗💜💗
Great video, i really enjoyed this conversation, especially the clips of those young girls talking about beauty.
I ffind someone definitely becomes beautiful to me once i get to know their personality. A good sense of humor always makes someone more attractive to me too.
Also, the way everyone's faces are morphing in to that IG face, i find uniqueness to be so refreshing and attractive.
Happy mother's day to all you wonderful mums, you are all beautiful ❤
This was really interesting, i think historically being an attractive female was in part a curse. When you are in a position of inferiority socially, you have less power over your life and if you were beautiful you were easily used for the advantage of others and there was often an obsession to "possess" the beautiful female. That individual often had a very sad life and a lot of anxiety to maintain their beauty so to maintain their (or others) bargaining chip. Pretty privilege is often a privilege if you have other protection or power. If you have that, then it helps you most of the time.
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This.
Enjoyed your analysis James.
Love your content.
my experience with pretty privilege and the fluidity of beauty standards is so weird tbh.
i grew up with a fraternal twin who’s same gender as me (male) but we were both at opposite end of the gene pool, he took after mom’s side and is blonde with blue eyes and just a gorgeous face. i took after my dad’s side and was more “brownish” and had brown eyes and pitch black hair, though now i look back at my childhood photos and realize i was FAR from ugly and in fact i have a very exotic and unique look that blends arab and white features very well, i was always made to feel like i was the ugly duckling by adults compared to my bro (he was so humble so i could never hate him or be jealous)
but my point here is, having pretty privilege and not being able to see it because you don’t even think you’re good looking is a rare position and i was in it for years, i never thought other kids were ever “jealous” or “intimidated” by me because i didn’t think there was anything to be jealous of or intimidated by.
but when you’re in that place where you’re not conceited and you’re not aware of your own “prettiness” can really show some people’s true colors because then they just take out their insecurities on you relentlessly
Such a great video, James. Food for thought. Thank you 💜
The way I jumped in legit excitement! I can't remember right now but pretty privilege was mentioned in one of my recent psychology classes and in one anthropology class we had a section about the link between beauty standards and social class.
It's such a fascinating topic in that, just like everything else related to social standards, everyone suffers one way or another. If you're too average or too ugly you're treated badly, but if you're too pretty you're also not treated that well.
The best comparison I can think of right now is how hard it can be for someone seen as a woman to be taken seriously in business settings. You can't be too 'feminine' because you'll be seen as submissive and unable to make good decisions, but if you're too 'masculine' (and I'm talking just about personality traits associated with our idea of masculinity, not actual apperance) then you're seen as bossy and too hard to deal with. You've gotta find a balance that's honestly bullshit but it really is a thing.
The pretty privilege ends up being similar. James touched on how stereotypes influence our decisions. Yes, it's impossible to be unbiased, but that's also why it's important to acknowledge *which* biases you have. Someone who's too pretty can end up in the category of 'too pretty to be smart', just like someone who's 'too ugly' can be in the category of 'too ugly to be smart'. If you're hiring someone, it's important to try and address your own unconscious biases like that, but well, that's not exactly an easy thing to do.
There's a psychological phenomenon I can't remember the name but it's an actual thing that your first impression of someone will affect your judgment of consequent interactions immensely. I mean, there's a reason why we're told to go to job interviews dressed in a certain way and to make sure you look good and clean but not too overdone, because then you might be considered someone who cares *too* much about apperance to do your job properly.
And like, how James talked about the femme fatale stereotype. A woman who's too pretty and too confident so she becomes a threat. I honestly can't even remember a villain who as considered an 'ugly woman', though that's also because Hollywood is allergic to anyone who's not conventionally attraktive too. But it's one of those things that you can't unsee after learning about it.
I totally rambled here but I got too excited to talk about pretty privilege hehe
Love the thumbnail 😁
After having my baby in October I feel ‘ugly’ and like my interactions with people has changed (like at the doctors office etc.. ) i feel like pretty privilege is definitively a thing or maybe it’s the hormones 🤷🏻♀️
No no, it's definitely a thing AND it can be hormones too. I remember when the nurse at my obgyn told me "wow there are SO many stretchmarks there. They are NEVER gonna fade." And I was DEVASTATED. I still think it's rude af. Anyway, what I want to say is that I see you and I felt the same. I felt this immense pressure to look a certain way and then there was the new baby to take care of and the fact that my body still wasn't completely mine again and of course all the other pains, changes and twinges from just giving birth. It's a lot to process for anyone, so please... give yourself grace and most importantly sleep when you can. Things get better with time and you'll feel beautiful again.
Thank you so much for your kind words 🙏❤️ I’m taking it day by day and trying to be kind to myself 😂
@@pina.p3820 Just in terms of time, it took me 2 years (yes years) to be completely comfortable with myself again both inside and out and redefine myself as a person who's also a mom now. I wouldn't change it for the world though, it made me a much better person 😁
Congratulations on your baby!!
@@Smittenhamsterhey nurses are people, so that means they can totally be catty bees too. That sucks. Your stretch marks are a symbol of that connection you will always have with your child. I have stretch marks, not from giving birth from growing really quickly before my skin was healthy enough to stretch after being malnourished (10lbs at 10 months). I’ve had them since ai was about a year old. I wear those bees like a badge of honor because it means I survived and I thrived.
This was such a great video James. A great deep dive and discussion on the topic.❤
I enjoyed this a lot, and yes your thoughts made a lot of sense. I remember reading about Samantha Brick, who had a terrible time of it for being so beautiful, and yet I have seen in workplace environments girls and women way more conventionally gorgeous than Ms Brick (who is very nice looking for sure) being some of the best liked, total sweethearts and one of the co-workers who brightens your day; and nobody is being horrible to the beautiful colleague, just because she's beautiful. Maybe Ms Brick worked in some awful places, or maybe she was on high alert for jealous old witches and interpreted any negative feedback in that light. I find that beautiful people make me happy and cheer me up, but that true beauty does indeed come from within and is the best and longest lasting sort. You've got pretty privilege, James, I hope you use it wisely 😇
I loved this video. Great storytelling, James!
This is the best video I have watched so far this year!! Thank you Mr. James 👍😃
This was such a good video James. Can you do more of these please💜💜💜💜💜
I went from being a VERY unattractive teen to a somewhat conventionally attractive adult and here's my opinion.
There can definitely be some real downsides to being "pretty". Here's the biggest one imo: I became obsessed with my looks, because people always talk about them, and I hate it.
Whenever a guy I'm seeing says I'm beautiful I die inside a little because what if I wasn't? And, worst of all - eventually I won't be. I'll lose my looks sooner than later and it's so hard not to see it as a defining characteristic, even though I grew up "ugly".
And yet, pretty privilege vs hindrance comes down to this: I'd choose being attractive every time regardless.
This is ugly duckling syndrome, I suffered from it too. Can I ask you, when you got prettier, did the same sex interact w you differently or no change?
@@laurenblanc6172 I’m gonna have to look it up, although I can somewhat assume what that syndrome might refer to.
And to answer you Q, it’s hard to tell. If so, it was mostly a “positive” change. I feel like other women care more about what I think, notice whether I’m there or not (even when I’m not being particularly social). An ex told me once “women must hate you” but I’ve actually never really experienced that.
How about you?
I've seen arguments that "at least people are attracted to you" but the issue comes about that that could be all they value in you while not seeing you as a human. Might not matter in the short term but sure as hell matters years down the line. It is truly terrifying. I've been in relationships for far too long where I didn't realise their feelings weren't genuine but they kept saying the right things just to keep me on their arm. I would have been better off alone all that time. Thankfully I can see through it better now for having that experience but the fear is still there. I don't think the men even realised they were doing it half the time, just autopilot
Also hello from fellow ugly duckling x hope you're keeping well 🖤
@@munkkys5018 that’s honestly good to hear! ehhh, for me it’s not the same. Not all, a lot are nice, especially on the net. But just encounters with friends, coworkers, classmates, receptionists, cashiers etc. like random women who come into my life can just automatically come w an attitude or act disrespectful or condescending towards me. I have so many anecdotes but I wouldn’t wanna bore you. My bf sometimes says it’s in my head but sometimes he says he sees it as well. I think once you have a bad association to a type of person, you start thinking in a certain pattern…
I definitely don’t feel invisible anymore by anybody. But I’ve definitely felt competition from other girls/friends (9/10 over male attention) when i was never interested in these guys in the first place. They’ll know I’m in a 3 year relationship but that doesn’t matter, it’s like they want the validation that the guy finds them more attractive than you. I know it sounds fucked up & crazy but that’s what some ex-friends actions tell me.
At the end of the day tho, it says more about who they are as a person then me which this experience easier for me. I do wish I had more female friends tho, I had more friends in general when I was not as pretty. I view myself typically kind to others as long as they give me reciprocated respect.
Idk if I was considered "ugly" as a kid but I was definitely very average looking. The second I turned 18 suddenly I got much more attention from people being attracted to me and it was a bit startling. I also feel very aware of my appearance now days and I worry that if my weight changed my partner wouldn't be attracted to me and I'm just very aware of what I look like all the time. Idk I was homeschooled so I couldn't really tell you if people are nicer to me now or not but it makes me worry when my partner points out that I must have pretty privileges how many of my interactions with people are based on my appearance vs my personality 😐
thank you for researching and explaining this because it is sooooo nuanced but you're nailing it
James! I loveddddd this video. It was so interesting and really made me think. I'm a teacher and I see this all the time. People treat the "cute" kids differently than the average kids. They assume they're well behaved even if they're not, smarter than others, and it boosts their confidence early. It's subtle and I know people don't MEAN to do this, but I see it all the time! I also have a psychology degree and my final experiment was on blonde bias. It was so interesting, and exactly like you said! Way to go on a fantastic vid!
When I worked in the preschool, I always knew the cute ones who knew it, the ones who could make that little mischievous grin with a side eye, were trouble, although to be fair, I thought they were all adorable.
I think you hit the nail on the head. As we age, we give people more of a chance to prove themselves regardless of their appearance. I agree there is a pretty privilege...but I've seen the other side too, especially with women. "Pretty" can mean they're a threat. Or you've only gotten where you are because of your looks. Another great video!
I find the case of jeremy meeks so fascinating! Love that he turned his life around! Love your content! :)
being ugly sucks, its like playing life on hardmode
but ive gotten to where i dont really give af, im just a gremlin possum weirdo and if ya dont like it you can look away
I like gremlins and possums. Screw those shallow fools--you're beautiful❤️
Hey, I don’t like that you called yourself an ugly and a gremlin, unless you’re an asshole then yea, you’re a gremlin lol. Speak positivity into your life. It may be hard at first but I promise, your thoughts shape your life. As someone who’s considered “pretty”, it’s not all that it’s cooked up to be. Yes, pretty privilege does exist but, so does pretty hatred. People will go out of their way to make your life hard for absolutely no reason. Love yourself. There’s only one you🥰
@@Mai-in1weas someone who is considered conventionally pretty, I can tell you that there are plenty of people who feel like they need to take you down a peg, even if you aren’t resting on that,and especially if you don’t rely on it. I kind of feel like people are just generally insecure and you either let that insecurity rule your behavior, rejecting people before they reject you, or you realize that it is only one aspect of who you are and you focus on the rest.
Life as a girl people may think is pretty is on unfair and dark AF mode too don't worry
Stay strong. Your inner life is your own, and likely*far* exceeds "pretty" people who blithely float thru life unaware...ugly on the inside is ugly everywhere❤❤❤ ❤❤❤
Really love the background James. Very elevated
thank you for having this conversation, love the positive conclusion of your thought process :)
Losing weight, getting rid of acne and growing into my features as an adult don’t take back how I was treated as a child and teenager. The difference in how people treat me is a neverending middle finger on behalf of humanity. Would I have been bullied as a child if I looked attractive? I doubt it. Now men who wouldn’t look at me when I was fat with bad acne give me attention. The same type of guys who would probably bully me in high school. Deep down I still don’t feel worthy, as a human. My mother knows I had issues with my looks growing up and keeps telling me how pretty I am to compensate for it. Tell me I’m smart, kind and important instead. The wounds left from feeling ugly or different and being bullied are not about how I look anymore. After I had my so called glowup I freaked out because looking better didn’t fix the trauma. How people treat me just don’t mesh with how I feel on the inside. Being treated like that by other people… it changes you permanently. I look in the mirror and I know I look good. I just can’t feel it. My self esteem is ruined and I always walk around feeling like a bad person or a burden. People who grew up average or attractive had the upperhand growing up. My mental health was wrecked and it resulted in bad grades and I hated going to school. You’re not blessed for how you look, you’re blessed because of the opportunities it offers. And you avoid being a target in your formative years. Long rant, but these «poor me I have always been attractive» posts makes me wanna claw my eyes out. Unless they suffered severe trauma as a result of their face or body - I don’t wanna hear it 😂
Seeing those children talk about beauty 🥲❤ I love how thoughtful you are in speaking on these topics. I thank you for breaking down how there are nuances based on what WE find attractive. I love that you brought up Seth Rogan. My friends have tried to tell me I was trying "to be deep" when I've said every guy ripping out of his shirt with muscles and a sharp jawline doesn't give me butterflies. I can acknowledge that they are indeed attractive, but they may not suit what I romantically want. I've always looked at men like Michael Ealy, a young Omar Epps, and Adam Driver as attractive. They all have unique faces and their personalities seem cool as well.
i love this approach and this whole style of video 💜 thank you for doing the research and laying out the thoughts and ideas in such a productive manner!
So interesting! Thanks James!
Yes as I get older- attraction is more than physical appearance. The more I travelled too… I swayed toward embracing my natural beauty and embracing that beauty can be found in anything just have to wear the right glasses to find it in everyone
I have pretty privilege, but it hasn't helped me. Given, there are things I benefited from with it, but I definitely experienced a net negative.
An important part to remember is that not only do people assume that pretty people are good, but doing well. It's even reflected in the study, when they found that people assumed pretty people had "better mental health."
In my experience, people find it hard to believe that pretty people struggle. As someone who is disabled, and has been from birth, being pretty never helped me. It kept my struggles from being taken seriously, leading me not to get diagnosed until I became an adult and learned to argue and advocate for myself. I was drowning, but everyone assumed I was a great swimmer and didn't need the help.
I wasn't supposed to be autistic, adhd, depressed, anxious, celiac, etc because I was pretty. I struggled. I struggled hard, but it was never taken seriously. In many ways, it still isn't.
Not only that, but as an attractive woman, people are less likely to take what I say seriously. I can be the most informed person in the room about something, but still the less likely to be taken seriously. This is reflected in the study about how attractive scientists aren't seen as as good of scientists, but it affects every part of my life.
I'm not as informed about my own health as a complete stranger. I'm not as knowledgeable about my own areas of experitise as someone who hasn't studied the topic is. I'm not as likely to have good ideas, even when my ideas repeatedly prove themselves when I manage to get them to be taken seriously. It's incredibly hard to get people to take me, my experiences, and my knowledge seriously.
It's so ingrained in people to think this way, that by just mentioning I can be perceived as beautiful on a comment on social media, said comment is a whole lot more likely to not be taken seriously, even though mentioning it is relevant to the conversation. I have to mentally prepare myself to get far more negative comments from people than normal every time.
Pretty privilege is a thing, but it's not a privilege for everyone or in every situation.
Truth! Thank you for your comment. I'm on the spectrum with adhd, PTSD from CSA and neglect. My husband knows but other than him everyone else, even my immediate family members have no idea of my struggles. I'm usually good at masking my problems but sometimes I let people see the real me and it is rarely well-received because it's at odds with their image of me. So I pretend to be the person they think I am because otherwise it makes people uncomfortable.
The simultaneous entitlement people feel over pretty people mixed with the everyday dismissal on account of being pretty is wild. It really messes with your head.
I'm disabled and have pretty privilege too. Nobody believed me either. Still, meeting new healthcare professionals I run into not being believed. "Oh but you look so well! You should be out there ;)" is a bizarrely frequent thing to hear.
Sending you some of my energy today. All the best
This. 😭
@@pcap8810 I'm aware of most of the differences, just as you are aware of the differences pretty people often have. You don't have to experience something yourself to know about it. As for the things I'm not aware of, I know there are also cons to being pretty the average person isn't aware of either. It goes both ways.
That being said, many of those positive differences you are referring to were negated by my disabilities. Others are a double-edged sword. I personally got a lot of the cons of pretty privilege, but not many of the pros.
If you have any specifics you're referring to, I'd be willing to talk about them and whether they affected me or not, as well as how much of a difference they truly made, whether positive or negative.
@@pcap8810 I'm not trying to attention seek. I'm trying to open communication so both of us can learn from each other. I'm genuinely curious about your point of view. People can't learn other people's perspectives and how they differ from their own without asking and sharing. I love learning about other people's experiences, opinions, and perspectives.
I genuinely wanted to learn your point of view, and what I don't know/understand about your life experiences.
If I said something that implied other intentions, I apologize. I'm autistic. My intentions don't always come across correctly.
Edit: rereading my comment, I can see how I came across that way. I offered to share information about my own experiences because that's common etiquette amongst neurodivergent people when asking the same from them. I've been speaking with a lot of other neurodivergent people lately, so my etiquettes got crossed. Sorry for the miscommunication. I did genuinely just want to learn more about your perspective.
I didn't want to invalidate your experiences either, which I think I accidentally might have. I'd never want to invalidate anyone's experiences. If there are things you've noticed in your own life, I want to learn about it so I can better understand and support the people around me experiencing the same.
If you're still willing to talk, I'm open for it. If not, I hope there aren't any hard feelings and I genuinely wish you the best! :)
This is so interesting! Thanks for doing it.
I loved this topic so much! I agree that conventionally attractive, symmetrical beauty is rather boring to me. I still see it, recognize it, and enjoy it, but it doesn't inspire much attraction. It's always more attractive to me when people know how to highlight their unique features (face, bodytype, etc.) rather than trying to homogenize or hide. Being able to tell that someone has put thought and care into their appearance in this way way (rather than aspiring to follow trends or beauty standards simply because) belies a level of introspection and self-knowing that is very attractive to me.
I avoid anyone who "identifies" as pretty because the ego and drama they leave trailing behind them like a wake that makes others miserable. My friends are beautiful but most don't realize it or just don't care. 😃
You can't "identify" as being pretty. That's like "identifying" as a woman when you are a 6 foot burley lumberjack of a man with the leg hair to match 😂
Yeah, I get what you are saying.
Those people are out of touch, and normaly do bad comments on others aspect, just to fell superior... I think they are realy insecure deep down.
Your comment reminded me of an old toxic friend who thought of herself as drop dead gorgeous & because of her ego she would get with any men single, engaged & married because she thought they couldn't resist her looks.
And talked about others like they were lower class than she is and horrible remarks about their appearances or their children's appearances as well.
I think its great to think as yourself as pretty. I wish I had the self confidence to call myself pretty. But when your whole personality revolves around being pretty then yeah that can become a problem
There's nothing wrong with "identifying" or knowing you're pretty. It's what you do with that information and how you carry yourself that matters. I know a lot of conventionally beautiful people who are also incredible people inside. My mom works with a famous photographer and I've met many models. Most of them are lovely people
Honestly, as a young, attractive female musician, my looks have DEFINITELY opened doors for me and have gotten me into spaces I otherwise wouldn’t have been in. However, once being in these spaces, I’m rarely taken seriously and have to work extra hard to be perceived as someone with talent and an actual brain. So multiple things can be true at once. Very interesting and entertaining video!
Lol yes. When it gets down to the nitty gritty I wear my glasses and put my hair up to be taken more seriously.
Fr, like we have to work extra hard to proof that we are more than just a person with a pretty face
Outstanding research in this one.
Bravo 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
One of the best video you ever made! Well done mate. So interesting. 👍🏻
I was a very pretty child, and when bad stuff happened I was blamed for it. Of course, I also had a few (increasingly worse) health issues that people around me decided to completely ignore because "I didn't look bad, so..."
I also experienced medical neglect as a child because I suppose if someone looks good they are fine. I have chronic health problems now from that neglect.
Ohh the female villain part. This whole video was perfect. Idk how you whittled it down it covers so many aspects. Amazing.
Yes I got teased several times a week by old guys and a lot of other department guys, working directly with my supervisor in the same office room and he said they were afraid of me. :/ but I was only hired for that position bc he took pity on me from noticing in our former company being underpaid, so made that position for me at his new company. I was friends with his daughter. The new company switched me to floating in every department and none of the women seemed mean at all but it was a company that paid everyone extremely well with benefits and time off. So that probably wasn’t pretty privilege just old guys being gross about young female assistants.
Very interesting video, much thought I have, thank you for this! This needed to be brought up
Loved this video! Gives me a lot to think about.
I always purposely hide my beauty if I want to be taken seriously in the work place and not assumed to be stupid and targeted for gossip that ends badly. Unattractiveness seems to be equated with good work ethic in my experience.
Also being beautiful is a curse. It gives you just enough to think your worth will go away if you lose it. And you will. And socially, people will make you feel like you lost something important.
I think all the time that I wish I would've never been seen as attractive. Finding friends is hard cause I bring out the cat in women. I don't think I'm that beautiful but there is a certain level of attractive that seems to make women treat eachother that way and it's horrible.
I have the same experience... and it's very tiring.
Hello. Good Afternoon James 💜 Happy Sunday 💜💜
I love it when you get into topics I never knew was a thing, thanks for getting me caught up ❤
This is fascinating, p.s. love your sweater ❤
I agree, I was never given a job when I was interviewed by a woman but I 100% of the time was always given a job when a man interviewed me 🙅🏻♀️
As someone from the US, I adore how you say "Mary-Land."
Is that because so many of us native Marylanders say, “Mer-land?” 😂😂😂😂
It's my personal state.
Me too!
I love how neutral and open you are to the research. It’s so refreshing 😍 We can hear personal anecdotes all day long, but the science speaks volumes. Thanks for sharing this. Human behavior is so fascinating!
I soo appreciate how much research you did for this video. Super interesting stuff!! Thank you for keeping it mutual throughout too :)
I am so happy you did this because I do suffer from this. I'm 43, 6 foot tall, thin, African American but I look like I'm 26. I live in Wisconsin and most woman hate me, refuse to talk to me and generally speak rudely to me before getting to know me. Men have asked if I was a man or a sex worker. Moat woman think I get things for free, not true, and guys don't approach me. I currently single and, because I'm tall, people assume I'm stuck up. I lead a lonely life however I lead with kindness and forgiveness cause lofe is just life.
People tell stories about what other people are like in their heads and we tell stories to ourselves about what other people think of us. I’m Indian, not tall, but generally considered pretty, and sometimes, my face can be offputting if I’m irritated or upset, or not trying to make an expression (resting b face). When I lived in NYC, and the sidewalks were crowded, I would use it to clear a path, even against the flow. On the subway, if I didn’t want to be messed with, I could clear the seats around me. On the other hand, if I wanted to get someone’s attention, or put them at ease, to offer a seat or directions, a warm, genuine smile would be enough to invite conversation. I would wonder if most women actually hate you or maybe just don’t know you, or there is some body language, nonverbal cue you are sending out. It is also possible that you might just be perceiving their expressions as personal to you when they are angry at their husband for leaving his socks on the floor. I can’t imagine most women simply hate someone for no reason other than looks. I can see guys not approaching you too because most men are intimidated or socially awkward, plus, given that you look like you’re 26, Zoomers aren’t really good at making introductions IRL, and the guys in your actually age range are mostly married.
Cant relate🥲 Very interesting topic!!!💜
Such a cool video James !!! I loved it❤
James, absolutely fascinating video! Much food for thought, especially looking at how I have assessed men and women throughout my life! Thank you!
Glad you enjoyed it!!
6:53 who else measured? 😃🙋♀️💜💜
🙋♀️😂
As a pretty autistic woman, pretty privilege can definitely loop back around for us. People are VERY QUICK to think I’m vein, egotistical, self-centered, or think I’m above them, often without even meeting me. For some it’s purely based on my looks and confidence (I’m very unapologetically myself), and for others it’s after they’ve only briefly interacted with me and noticed I act differently than they expected (lack of eye contact = not paying attention to them, giving concise responses = not wanting to give them my time, etc) and that fuels their bias against me. And I don’t think I’m mean; when I interact with other neurodivergent people they think I’m really sweet and fun to be around; I’m a very supportive person and easy to talk to when I’m interested in you. But in high school I kept trying to make friends and would always end up alone anyway because as soon as I’d do the slightest thing unfavorably, people would call me out instead of trying to understand why I did that. As an adult I have a lot of acquaintances and people always tell me I should be a model, but I notice the people who say that are often the same people are so quick to judge me as superficial etc.
Autistic here too. Agree about people assuming you're arrogant if you're a bit quiet.
And women will hate you with viciousness for no reason. Men will think they have to put you in your place.
I'm not complaining, but those are facts.
I just keep away from people since years.
I was like you as a younger woman... I'm now 37 and have 'lost' the 'pretty privilege' of my younger years.
I am treated very differently now. I am practically invisible to men.
I'm used to it now but it does make me feel sad whenever I think about it.
I loved you last point and had a chat about it with my husband and it is so true! with age we got our own opinion of what is beautiful and I think just now I can see real beauty.
I believe life is life, if you’re beautiful, especially if you’re a girl, it can be extremely hard to accept any physical changes and feel like the world around you changes too. That you’re perceived differently than when you were younger/thinner, that happens to all of us. You might at times be seen as more arrogant or superficial just for being pretty, or like there’s so much more depth to you that people don’t see because they’re too focused on how you look and that seems to be the most interesting thing about you. You still have to prove that you’re so much more ESPECIALLY as a girl I believe. A lot of attractive people will take longer to find their actual worth in life if they base it on their beauty and lot
i was objectively ugly and overweight as a kid. around my mid-late teens, i developed an ED. by 25 i had lost so much weight, even in my face, and started doing my makeup. that’s the age i discovered pretty privilege. i was shocked and furious at how much easier and kinder the world was with my new “look.” i get free stuff, discounts, frequently hit on, everyone is so nice. it’s actually made my social anxiety worse cuz now part of getting ready to go out are the thoughts “am i pretty enough for an easy life experience today?” or “how do i dress to not have every man flirt with me today?” and those are disgusting thoughts to have.
Great content! This is so interesting and well researched!
Loved this video and the theoretical deep dive ❤
I'm quite pretty, not to brag, large blue eyes, pleasant face, did a bit of modeling. It helps, not gonna lie. But when I was doing my PHD many people didn't believe I knew my field, because someone atractive couldn't be inteligent enough to understand such a complicated field.
Controversial opinion here, but I feel like we need to talk about "pretty disadvantages" too (coming from someone who's probably considered a 4-6 on the attractiveness scale with experiences I think from both sides). Yes, being pretty comes with many privileges, but I don't think it's all rainbows and sunshine. I think pretty people often get reduced to their looks with people not caring so much about their personality, a thought process they then may start to internalize. If all you are is your looks you might become desperate when your looks starts to fade. You might spend more money and time on your looks than others because you feel like that's all you have, and neglecting potential hobbies and interests instead that could actually make you happier. Pretty people get cheated on just as much or maybe even more, at least if you look to reality shows and social media, because genuine and avarage/below avarage people are too scared to show interest in them. Usually only good looking people, who have learned that both their own and other peoples looks is the most important thing in relationships, are the ones who dare to show interest in eachother. I feel like I've seen it so many times, pretty people being treated like unicorns in relationships, like a trophy almost, and being controlled and manipulated by their partner. And don't get me started on all the models, actors/actresses, influencers etc that have been s*xually assaulted because of other people treating them like objects. I know many people have a hard time feeling bad for pretty people and I'm not saying that they have it worse, just that it's a more nuanced discussion (again, coming from someone who's avarage looking). Great video nonetheless 👌
James, I love this video. It was really interesting. In my own life, I recently earned a pageant crown and title. Whenever I wear the crown and sash, no one sees beyond the crown and sparkle. No one cares if I am an engineer or a political candidate or my future aspirations! It's like people are blinded lol and don't think much of me except how they comment how pretty I am. But then, there is much more than meets the eye! So wearing the crown is a bittersweet thing! I hope you are having a great day James!
I am SO GLAD to see this video. I’m barely starting it
But I’ve ALWAYS ALWAYS said, being very pretty is a blessing AND A CURSE and people sometimes don’t believe me. But in such case, people either absolutely madly love and fawn over you or they completely utterly hate you for petty little reasons, often times before even meeting in real life.
when you showed the 2 villains my mind just went "But they're both hot"
This is only a problem for those who place “looks” on a pedestal. One day i hope we all will come to the realization that no one stays attractive forever and EVERYONE has their own issues.
Yep, in truth, our brains are incredibly powerful and can skew reality with perception if they so desire. Our brains will point out flaws in beautiful people who are jerks or hide them in kind people. It is wild how much the brain affects what we think of as real or true. I would say it is truer to say that we tell ourselves stories about what other people are thinking that aren’t always true. Someone might think someone held the door because they are pretty. Someone else might think that same person is just being kind. I think we are better off to realize that no matter what we look like we still might not be someone else’s cup of tea but a kind personality, confidence without arrogance, and a warm heart is appreciated by everyone.
I appreciate yhe thoughtful and researched approach you took to this subject! Its so interesting!