8 Therapy Ideas That Saved Me From Disaster
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- čas přidán 28. 06. 2024
- 8 Therapy Ideas That Saved Me From Disaster
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Whenever I cut ties with a toxic person or organisation, I want to go in and rescue other people who were in the situation as me. But someone told me to forget about those people and concentrate on myself and my recovery. There is still the urge, and I fantasise about it. But its their choice to stay in the cult and their responsibility to wake up from it and get themselves free.
Doubtful they would have listened to your warnings
I so relate! I feel very guilty about not helping people around me in general.
@@user-tq4fm4he8i me too 😭❤️
@@alexiswinter6948 I know. I did send a few PMs out on Facebook to two of the toxic person's Facebook friends. I had always wondered if this toxic person was a narcissist but was told on Monday he was a covert narcissist. He lacks respect for other people's boundaries even clearly expressed ones and has no concept of consent.
@@user-tq4fm4he8i This toxic person is a covert narcissist. They play the victim.and martyr much of the time. He would set up situations where he would appear to lose but in fact he had won because then he could tell everyone how so and so treated him badly. He showers people with presents but all with strings attached.
Years ago I was wondering if he was a sociopath or narcissist and then got my answer on Monday.
"People are full of advice, but often their lives are on fire."
Woo! Mic drop Patrick. 👍
As the saying goes, "we teach what we most need to learn..."
I wrote that line down!
That's me, I try to help people because I cant fix my trauma
As a (shoddy) Buddhist practitioner, I learned "if you're pointing a finger at someone there are always three pointing back at you." So, I flipped it on its head and started paying attention to people when they tell me what I need, who I am, or what I should do. Especially, if it's strangers telling me what "I need." I RUN from people like that! They scare me more than my recurrent nightmares do.
And, once in a while, I'll LISTEN to myself when I give advice and... listen doubly!
Patrick's babysitting business is bursting at the seams... 😂
Don't bring your inner child. Why did this never occur to me before! Gotta find me a babysitter.
Some day I want to be able to join people when they go out to a concert…. I usually can’t. ( I mean technically I can but it is not enjoyable and I feel so scared. I also can’t shake whet my husband said once when we were in a fight over me not wanting to join his family on a camping trip. “Can you not tell the difference between responsible adults having a drink and a dangerous child abuser?” That was years ago but it hurts. The best way I know how to manage my cptsd is to only be around people and places where I feel very safe. And the most common thing people tell me is to “just relax” oh thanks, I’ve never though of that. Hard eye roll.)
I’m so hyper vigilant around large crowds of drinking strangers…
It’s really hard for me . . . Not because I really want to go to the concert but because I am sick of being the person who is too fucked up to go.
It feels so very not fair but I am also afraid of outgrowing my fear…. My husband can’t recognize the red flags that I see. He has friends who I think are really toxic. I do have to be ready to protect myself don’t I? Maybe no one will try to physically harm me but he sees nothing wrong with people when I set a boundary like” no I don’t want to do that” and they argue it’s me trying to convince me otherwise… over things like drugs and sexual shit. I’m not talking about someone trying to convince me to try a candy or some crap but hella triggering things. Anyway I can’t trust the man who wants to go to the concert with me to help me feel safe in social situations… I’m just supposed to deal.
I don’t know if I can learn to apply this here.
Who would babysit my inner child?
Maybe I can journal up a babysitter that I can trust to take care of my child…
My therapist was awesome and we created a safe space. Now my kids live in a fantastic magical multi level treehouse with toys, books, snacks cozy beds, with a good witch protector who lives at the bottom and casts spells on the wicked people. They are so happy there. Though once in awhile “Jeff” climbs down with his sword and rides his bike to ward off the evil adults. ❤
I agree! This is a 🤯 way to think about the emotional/reactive part of me. Thank you, Patrick! ❤
I try to remember i dont owe anyone an education. Its a struggle that im not always successful with . I try...
Omg yes
Maybe pronia is why I like trees, as they tend to be there reliably and give shade, beauty, air and being tall. Their steady existence kind of conspires to grant you something continually.
Same. Trees make me feel safe, snd they really inspire me. I always get this weird sense in my stomach, like this tree went through god knows what, and look how big and strong it is! I will live a full life so the trees are proud 🥲
Nature is such a solace. And we’re a part of it! Tree roots also hold the ground together for us to walk on; their fallen leaves become fresh soil for new plants (even food!); infinite gratitude for trees ❤
Me too! ! ❤️🌴🌳🌲
@@Kelalasdemonx❤
A bonus benefit of trees is that they helped me start to appreciate my own weirdness. I remember one day going for a hike and appreciating all the weird-looking trees because they made things more interesting. After a while I realized... I can extend the same kindness to myself! A lesson from the trees
You said something early in the video about spending too much energy on people outside of our inner circle. This made me think of it like we have an "energy budget" and we have to decide what we really want to spend our energy on.
Recognizing that our energy isn't unlimited and we should spend it wisely helps me think more about how I choose to react.
Great point 😍
the way you verbalized this really helped me reframe today
Really well said...I'm keeping that one in my tool box!
I really need this idea of an energy budget for dealing with my family.
Spoon theory too
0:00 Intro
0:22 Tip #1 - Don't Sweat Them!
1:35 Tip #2 - Pronoia (The Opposite of Paranoia)
2:47 Tip #3 - Is It Kind, Necessary, True?
4:22 Tip #4 - Let People Feel Whatever
6:20 Tip #5 - The 3 C’s / Let People Fail
8:03 Tip #6 - Know Your Audience
10:02 Tip #7 - Don't Bring Your Inner Child
12:00 Tip #8 - Can You Be a Diplomat?
14:54 Final Thoughts
15:18 Outro
Thanks Patrick. 😊
The opposite of paranoia should have been Aionarap!
Imagine if we had a whole language based on palindromes.
So helpful!
Thank you.
This kind of information is invaluable for those of us who are so lost, confused, and overwhelmed with the nightmare we’re stuck in. MUCH THANKS!!!
*Patrick, are you available to babysit my inner child tonight?? I could SO use a break… 😂
Your comment reminded me of mother cats who take their kittens to a trusted human babysitter, when they need a break (I think it's cute when animals do stuff like that).
I never feel safe when other people's feelings are less than great.
Me neither. And then I feel like I have to 'fix' it for them, which is actually quite destructive in close relationships because it leads to people I care about feeling like they can't feel sad around me.
Me neither. I immediately feel like it's my fault and I'm going to be punished or like I deserve punishment
Me neither. I don't know how to act, and I become anxious that they'll pick up on my anxiety and then they'll start to take care of MY feelings. And I've spent so long trying NOT to become that person.
Patrick, I'm wondering if you could address the crowd of Gen Xers and younger that have already left the dysfunctional family of origin decades ago but we're still dealing with the reverb.
Because we're out dealing with community and co-workers and others that are the children of emotionally immature dysfunctional and abusive pseudo parents.
We're no longer in our own original dysfunctional family but we're clearly in the middle of everyone else's...
I can't believe how much aggression and emotional immaturity there is even in trying to make a medical appointment, have an interaction at the grocery store or negotiating an agency or application with a city or county worker. So many sad pathetic abusive responses from every direction. Even when I walk in cheerful, diplomatic and professional...
It's been the half term break this week and so much toxicity about with dysfunctional families and badly behaved children throwing food around like they live at the zoo. I see these dysfunctional people about everywhere.
The ones working in the caring professions are abysmal for the most part. They take a lot of time off work and when in work run late for appointments all the time. I sacked someone who was my move on worker as she was running late every week and even after we switched to a day more convenient to her but less convenient to me she was running late.
Exactly!
I thought it was just me.
Great observation and a good question. I once had a colleague who worked night shift with me and her mantra was "I'm just passing through" and I try to use that (mentally) in these situations. Helps a little but more tools are always good to have.
Especially grueling are the nurses, medical insurance industry, doctors, Staff, ER docs that across the board for decades have been just as violent abusive negligent and horrifying as the original pseudo family of abuse.
Even attempting to get one of their staff members who turn out to be a naive little abused girl herself as a medical chaperone ends in complete failure. I can't tell you how many offices I've had to walk out of or end online appointments because the doctors talk over you, ignore your needs disregard your concerns or simply are sadists and narcissists. WTH!
I'm literally doing injury diagnosis and physical therapy through my own online research which has worked better than all of Usc and Ucla's abusers combined!
Sometimes I feel like I spent my whole life being the diplomat and I’d like to be REAL and SAY IT………tired of being the good kid.
The way I explain it to others is that in a disagreement with these kinds of parents, the number one rule is: "You absolutely, positively cannot win." Diplomacy does not work. They are right. You are wrong. You are ever the bad kid putting on the good kid act until the mask slips.
I'm the same, I used to do it to keep the 'peace', that was my job as a child, however much I was attacked. That habit led me to make bad decisions as an adult, being unable to be real and say it straight. I think what Patrick mean is that diplomacy can be about creating the right environment to make good decisions for yourself, including the ability to say 'NO!'
Hey, I feel this too. I think of the rest of Patrick's suggestions like #1 and imagine moving family members I've tried to be diplomatic with out of my inner circle. It has been painful but a relief too. Also letting them have their feelings, using the al-anon tool (didn't cause, cure or control this mess). For me diplomacy works to prevent me from getting overly attached to an outcome, so I have to face my codependency stuff there. I want to confront my abusive family member diplomatically but again I must "know my audience " and use the other suggestions. Be well everyone
Yeah, maybe scream it out in the car or in the middle of a forest
I think you can absolutely "be real and say it", likely in many situations - I think Patrick's diplomacy slide is more about approaching situations where your own well-being requires a TEMPORARY degree of detachment and restraint. More about delaying the gratification of saying what you really mean, IF it's not safe for you to say it *yet*, than a practice of just always being "nice" at the expense of your own authenticity. I think in a situation where you don't really need the people who are being shitty to you, it can be both therapeutic and morally appropriate to tell people straight to their faces to shove it. I, at least, find it's important for me to see myself effectively and bravely advocate for me that way. But "don't do it at times where your safety hangs in the balance" is the message I take. Or phrased differently: you don't HAVE to show all your cards to someone who is abusive to you, and who is positioned to actually seriously hurt you (financially, physically, etc.). It's perfectly morally OK to withhold information from such people, and act like the skeezy politician who says what the person in front of them wants to hear, and then just goes and does whatever serves their own best interests as soon as that person's back is turned. A bad way to be habitually, but a perfectly valid way to be around an abusive, unsafe person! People who react to authenticity with abuse don't get to demand that people be "real" with them, and are not victims when people lie to them to avoid being abused.
I said goodbye to my grandmother over the phone because I knew my (no contact) mother was going to turn the deathbed into a soap opera.
Wise. But sad, still.
That must have hurt, I'm sorry you couldn't be there due to drama.
Oh that's awful, I'm sorry.
You did what you could and that's okay. Sometimes being there in person is not better, speaking from experience. There are people who see you in a weak moment and some are sadistic enough to attack you in that moment as if you aren't also grieving. Family funerals are no-go for me now and I feel at peace with that decision.
I feel for you. My grandmother is 92 but I know that attending a funeral will only cause drama with my father. I said my part and made my peace with it separately, but I have no intention of giving my father a platform to speak to me, especially given that his emotional immaturity would likely cause an opinionated outburst in that kind of situation.
This 10-minute video is the equivalent of $10,000 worth of therapy. How is this free?
Of course the hard work is to remind yourself and to remember these ways of thinking in a time of need.
I'll be giving this one Lots of repeat watches.
Thank you so much, Patrick.
Love the diplomat concept. I associate putting on a brave face to not burn bridges at a job with fawning. I like the idea of it being a way to advocate for yourself in a hostile situation like a diplomat at the negotiating table.
I love the idea of leaving the inner child with a trusted babysitter at key times! I am going to try doing this!
"know your audiance" I always remind myself to consider the source. If the source is someone that is not respectable, then I can dismiss what they said.
At what point do we push on with no. 8 or say "no, this isn't worth my mental health"? My sibling was angry I didn't attend their wedding (which they snidely said would be their only one, and I was on my second marriage) because two relatives who abused me would be there (he knew about the abuse, most of it, and accepted some and denied others). I chose not to push through for him because it was just one day for him but would destroy my mental health.
Sounds like a case of “know your audience” and I forget which number that was, but if the sibling is a codependent or even in denial of those things then you may have to limit contact and go diplomatic, distancing yourself emotionally and/or geographically until you are ready
@@greyladydamiana "he knew about the abuse, most of it, and accepted some and denied others" right! i thought about "Know your audience" right away when i read this part of the comment. I hope the OP wasn't too upset by their sibling's comments... Be safe and healthy OP!
@@greyladydamiana It's delicate but sometimes just saying 'no' and not elaborating too much works best. You could say that you have a prior commitment (that commitment is to your mental health but you don't have to explain that).
I feel like that comes under number 4 - let people feel whatever.
It is not your responsibility to fix your sibling's anger.
You needed to protect yourself by not going to the wedding where people who hurt you would be attending.
It is not your fault your sibling is angry that you protecting yourself meant they didn't get the day they wanted.
If your sibling truly understood your trauma, they would have understood why you couldn't come rather than blaming it on you.
It's not your fault they don't understand.
It's not your responsibility to fix their anger.
@@greyladydamiana thank you, great advice. We are 3 hours away and rarely contact these days, just the odd video call. He doesn't try to understand my health issues and disability, or my son's autism, so I limit contact and don't talk too much when we do. So many people told me I should just push through and go for his "big day" but I know it would have destroyed me, and I worked so hard to get this far. Maybe it's a tenuous progress if it would be shaken by seeing them (that's what my sibling implied) but it works for me. He's never forgiven me.
It's great to have a few options to go back to like this. I also greatly appreciate how you addressed that not everyone can tap an 'inner child' and you provide an alternative way to approach it. It shows you understand the 'why' of what you're doing rather than just the 'how'.
I love the idea of leaving my amygdala outside the room😊
Wow I got unexpectedly emotional at the image of Patrick babysitting my inner child while I go do the hard thing. Thank you for your kindness
Thank you for existing
Writing it all down as you're saying it
I tried not bringing my inner child once when I wanted to confront a friend who betrayed me. She then showed a lot of guilt and genuinely apologizes, which made my inner child want to show some vulnaribility. I let my inner child do that, and it made them feel a glimmer of safety, as well as strengthen the friendship with that person.
that is coming at the right time for me.
The I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, I can't control it, really resonated with me. I have spent a lot of time feeling super responsible for everything. Even if someone got sick it must of been something I did. I know that isn't logical but that's how it feels. I know now that a lot of things aren't my responsibility but it's just getting that younger part to really feel that. I hate the disconnect between what I know and what I feel.
I liked the “don’t bring your inner child” concept as well as “can you be a diplomat.”
These are good suggestions, thank you Patrick
"just because they have big opinions about you, doesn't make it true" Such a good reminder
Thank you for sharing these, Patrick -- they are very helpful gems. I also like another sort of mantra-reminder: "Don't go to the hardware store for a gallon of milk." I once heard Louise Hay say it. It can help one steer clear of slipping back into trying again to seek supportive words/compassion from those who simply can't or won't provide it.
Patrick, you don’t know this but I just want to thank you for babysitting my inner child today. I was able to go to the dentist for the first time in a very long time (like, a very long time) and I needed someone to watch my inner child while I did it. This was a huge thing for me and it was made so much easier by imaging this scenario. Thank you.
The prefrontal thing is hard for us adhd'ers, especially when we might feel attacked.
Since I took on codependency and diplomacy so much to survive, learning to let people fail or feel whatever was really liberating. It was never my responsibility. Thank you for these!
As someone going back to school after 20 years for cognitive science, I really appreciate that you said use your PFC, and leave your limbic system. On point. I don't really identify so much with the inner child lingo but im down as hell with nerd speak lol
1-don’t sweat those not in your inner circle
2-the universe is conspiring FOR me
3-is it kind? Is it necessary? Is it true?
4- Let them feel whatever (I’m not bad, I didn’t cause their emotions, I’m safe, allowing others to feel their emotions… warped trauma codependency emotions overly feel for others)
5- I didn’t cause it, I can’t cure it, I can’t control it
6- know your audience: who’s giving the advice and how sane are they?
7- no children allowed. Bring your prefrontal cortex
8- be a diplomat to achieve a healthy end for you in a finite situation
JUST SUMMARIZING FOR MYSELF
Thank you for the summary.
The 3 C's. I like this one. It feels freeing to apply it to my parent's hoarding. Even though I was blamed for it many times as a child, I didn't cause it. They've done it since long before I was born, and continue to well into their 70's. I can't cure it, I've tried. I've tried helping them clean, only to be accused of stealing or throwing away stuff when I only organized. I can't control it, I don't live with them. And even when I did, I wasn't allowed to throw away or get rid of things. It's still ungodly hard to deal with when face to face with it, but this does help ease it a bit.
Your hair looks great
Thanks for this Patrick, I have a meeting in half an hour. Would you mind baby-sitting? Love the mental image of you reading books with my shy 5y old self, anything with fairies and unicorns, made me smile.
"Feel whatever"
It is sooo hard ...when dead animals are on street,even a single bee,I used to cry every day.
Every thing, is so precious for me, like a human. If they are injured or dead.
Or,when a child, who is not attended at all, when having not just need for attention,not tantrum, but crying, maybe diaper is to change, they are tiny. 😢
And people push baby strolls but not looking all day up from phones, or giving phone/iPad for toddlers/under 4yrs...when they cry,to shut them up, and not picking up at all.
I cry when I see animals in pain or dead too, even tiny insects 😢 ❤
That point wasn’t about what you think it was. He’s telling us to stop worrying about other peoples feelings, instead of trying to manage them all the time
@@cyndijohnson5473Understood .
I used to try to manage ...going to that mother ,and tell them, this is not the way to treat a child, and what is would be normal to do...
I get it. I have a hard time going on vacation to places that don’t have the same ideas of animal welfare as the city I live in, so there are starving animals running around that have been abandoned. I spend my entire vacation crying and wanting to save them all instead of having any fun at all. I wish I could turn off my feelings and not hyper focus on these creatures. Even visiting a Native American reservation, I couldn’t enjoy the dancing and the art, because all of saw was the skinny pets running around that weren’t being taken care of in a way that I was used to. It sucks to be this way because I don’t think most people have this kind of hyper focus that causes them this much pain.
Im this way too and I think it's reasonable and a good thing. You are not fitting or adapting to a dysfunctional world and thats a good thing. That's evolution for your spirit and for this planet. i figure not fitting in on this planet is a good thing. Give self compassion and do wha you can to help animals. I also do the loving kindness meditation for all animals and specific ones. If I see a dead deer, I genuflect, call to get it taken off the road, and say the lovingkindness meditation for deer all the way to work or my destination. Adapting it for deer for instance
Thanks Patrick. I think these are great ideas but I also think that maintaining composure when suddenly hijacked out of the blue by a toxic boss for example is something that needs to be worked on and rehearsed over and over again and even then, we may not get it right. We also need to bear in mind that it's not always our fault if we don't react perfectly well to such things and that the other person must also bear some of the responsibility and that for our parts, we'll keep on trying. Thanks again.
Thank you!
❤Love the idea of not giving those outside our inner circle too much energy
‘Don’t bring your inner child’ made me think of one I have used, to give myself a better perspective in different family situations. “How long would i let my daugther stay in this enviroment?” I ask myself, and then I stand up for myself according to that. I have been so used to letting myself stay in toxic situations, but if anything turns toxic, I would immediatly and undramaticly remove my daughter from it, and this protection now includes my inner child aswell.
I needed this video today. Currently visiting family after almost 4 years. Was feeling very different and confident and still got dragged into problem solving and not knowing when to shut up with people who ask for solutions/information but don't actually want them. it's just a way to 'undress me' more than I'm willing and bring me back to heel.
the number 8 is extra powerful and is the most difficult for me, it overwhelms me, thinking: "there's something in it for ME" helps a lot
Say more about how those recent narcissists or abusive people are animating the original abusers and taking up real estate headspace.
Why is it happening and how do we counter it? is it because there's a splitting in us between the abuser that lives inside of us, a memory or recognition in our nervous systems? It feels lodged in the deep lizard brain, A primal fear that this is a familiar monster. And our alarm systems are reacting hard.
Yes, I'd love to ( need to, today) hear about that. ... The narcissist " in" my life ( 98.9% ) detached from didn't say Happy Valentine's Day today. I didn't Expect it - he also didn't say Merry Christmas or Happy birthday to me last August. But my inner child kicked in, anyway. Abandoned. Not important. Not loved or worth even a 10 second text. Pfffttt
The diplomat one triggers me, because it's similar to being strategic, which I'm terrified will be seen as being manipulative due to abuse I've suffered. 😔
It's good advice. Just sharing what's coming up for me.
Yes I so understand the diplomat fear- I have some of that too- it’s like am I telling a lie here- yes it’s the manipulation is the word I didn’t have
I think what’s coming up for you is the false, diplomatic front that some manipulators use before they attack. For them , it’s a false mask that hides their intent. For you, it’s only a way to get you through the moment in one piece. To know that you can call forth that part of you in tough moments. Then get out of there!
Yes but manipulation is when you try to get the other person to do what you want them to do....Whereas being diplomatic is just not getting involved.....@@melliecrann-gaoth4789
Yeah, probably (my fam definitely pile on the hate if I don't react the way they want me to). Is it any worse than how you'll be seen if you react how you usually do? The way I see it, they'll hate and attack no matter what you do. Being diplomatic at least fees a lot less traumatic than getting emotionally involved (again).
The sheer amount of times I was accused of being manipulative as a child 😂 I get it
Letting others feel whatever...telling myself "I am not the source of your suffering" in my head helps me.
My bio~mother would say “So it’s my fault you quit all those jobs?” This guy is a therapist, okay? That’s exactly what the b would say! I can’t hear it now! I did do #7 and it felt absolutely 💯 amazing! I had to go do badman kit at the police station. I left my supply bag by the entrance of the jail. Used the restroom, came back and I literally heard the officer talking about me to 3 other officers. I walked in there showed him my direction’s of how we collect evidence by the DOJ! I was impressed with myself & actually kinda shocked. 2 of the other officers I saw later on approached me telling me “good job for standing up for yourself. You were in the right “! But I don’t think I had found my inner child. Told my supervisor and she didn’t believe me that it was that officer. He’s so nice?
Powerful…wish I had this years ago. Better now than never ❤
This is helpful. Thank you.
I was an easy to raise child who was compliant who, in later years, didn't understand why my mother didn't appreciate me and seemed to pour energy into hurting me. Now I realize that I was an easy to neglect child while my sister always put up resistance. My sister's resistance got her negative attention while my compliance got me more neglect (that is, unless my mother leverage my achievements into her glory.) As an adult my sister paid lip service to our mother to get attention and support. I did what seemed right (which include not abusing my children) and that my mother took as a total rejection of her parenting and therefore her. I went from invisible child to black sheep for becoming and attentive and supportive parent.
This is helpful for when I'll have to go back in contact once she's dead. So much grooming of flying monkeys, misrepresentation of me, and cruelty I'll need to navigate. Definitely helpful seeding of the soil of my mind that will help me down the road. Thank you.
As an only child of an abusive mother, I went no contact for the eight years before I was contacted by a flying monkey informing me that she was very ill and suffering from dementia. (And by "informing" I mean shaming me.) I took the "diplomat" route because that was the only way I could get through getting care for my mother at the end of her life. Let me tell you that it is ok and will help you a lot to lean on the professionals who deal with this every day -- elder care, lawyer, hospice. You will get through it and the other side will be so much better knowing that you did for her what she could not do for you.
Hi Byron- well done you- after she’s gone- well you might get the boot- or whatever way the discard gets labelled. They will do whatever- it’s unreal the delusions- so now you have this video for your tool box- and others here who have also lived the rigged family game… so you are believed = validation = a kinda weird and slightly anxious experience for me.
You have your own family now- it’s so great to get to love our kids… for real… and not have to “ be right”…. like even when they are being a pain in the butt teenager or whatever… happy Valentine’s Day .
No,@@ginacirelli1581, I will not be helping my mother in her decline. She dropped a lot of money to lie to get my children. It was so messed up the assistant prosecuting attorney whose job it was to represent child protective services and foster care, in open court, told the judge that he didn't know what was going on but that the foster care worker was lying on the stand and the children needed to be returned to us. Despite that, it was six months my mother had my children. In that time, for the first and only time in their lives, they were hit, burned, berated, and religiously indoctrinated. Once my mother started abusing my children, I was done with her forever. Even after that she still messed with me. We moved to get away from my mother, going so far as to have a judge electronically seal the record of our home purchase. My mother paid a realtor to bribe county IT workers until she tracked us down. She then started driving by to watch us. Despite my visiting or calling my grandmother every week (regular contact!), my mother lied to family members telling me she notified me of my grandmother's rapid decline, death, and funeral arrangements. I learned of it via a funeral announcement on Facebook. She kept my father's stroke and death a secret from me, called my then 14yo child three weeks later to announce my father's death, and told him we'd all be invited to the memorial service after Covid. I randomly found about about the memorial service from a cousin the week after the service.
All that is a very brief explanation of a few of the more egregious reasons why I will not be helping my mother in her time of need. Oh, yah, she also gave all the family mother to my sister who used to bully me and conspired with my mother to take my kids. I am now a single mother, living under the poverty line, working and going to college to become a therapist, and living in government housing. No, I will not be helping my mother in her decline. Honestly, I don't think she'd want me to. She'd be too afraid my helping her would give the lie to all the terrible things she's said about me over the years. She'd rather die needlessly early than be found out.
In case this seems too crazy to be true, I finally figured out why my mother flipped from my being the invisible child/caretaker to scapegoat. (This paralleled my sister going from rebel to manipulator/enabler.) I didn't say a word to her about my parenting choices but she observed I parented differently (i.e. non-abusively) and took it as a rejection of her. The relationship wasn't still gross and abusive but I wasn't targeted until after one Easter together. My folks came down for the holiday and, as we walked the few blocks to the neighborhood park to have an Easter egg hunt, my 8yo picked up a stick and ratcheted it along a chain link fence to make noise. My mother then told him how he could spin around really fast so the stick would make another noise. That's when my precious, precious boy said they didn't do that when I was around because it sounded to Momma like the sound when she was about to be hit with sticks and made her feel sad and scared. My mother told my son she never hit me and, ever since that day, she was set on destroying my relationship with my children. Petty abuser can die alone keeping her secret from everyone she cares about about what an abusive POS she is.
Thank you,@@melliecrann-gaoth4789. I've already gotten the boot and I can tell you, despite the profound injustice of in all, my life is way better for it. There is nothing that gives me more joy than solid, connected relationships with my children, most of whom are now adults and ENJOY spending time with me. Well, one thing that's neck-and-neck competition for peak soul satisfaction is seeing my children prioritize and enjoy spending time together. Emotional intimacy with a mother is not anything I experienced and I also never experienced safety in a sibling relationship. That my children have all of this makes me feel so very pleased and fulfilled. Even with the very $h!++y hand I was dealt in life, and would seem to still have if someone were speculating on my quality of life based on my tax return alone, this really does make me feel like a winner in the ways that have always been the most important to me.
Realizing/recognizing a trigger is huge. Once you become aware you’ve been triggered, that is the moment you’ve regained control and can practice not being triggered. Great tips here! 👏🏼
I've learned to ask myself to be a diplomat. I deal with a lot of different personalities in my job and for me, it's kind of become this sort of productive dissociation, where I kind of disappear my justice seeking self for a bit, with the promise that they can come back and letting them know before I ask them to step out, that I love them and won't screw our ethics around.
I didn't know this was a thing.
I can remember these diplomatic conversations, but it does feel like switching and I guess it is, because I live with a few highly resolved selves and a vast amount of fragments and littles in my internal world. We operate as a system, with two adults in charge of facilitating interacting with the exterior word. It makes sense that others do this too. Parts work is effective for a lot of people. And it's funny because my justice seeker lives inside a few of the core selves. Esp my teenager. Big loves to her.
I really need the "don't sweat them" more often. I keep running into toxic work situations and it's so incredibly draining.
I am SO grateful for this today. Thank you thank you!
It is so amazing and mind blowing to me how growing up in a toxic family system leaves us with these constant thinking problems… I’ve been in weekly therapy for 4 months now and lately I’m feeling so liberated with the realization on why mind does this and how to correct it. It has taken a lot of dedication and hard work but healing and a calm mind is possible ❤
The one about knowing ur audience with the example of a family member I want to say beyond the good reasoning Patrick gave about asking yourself if that person is good in their life, I want to point out something very specific about family member: they will always want another member of that family to accept some kind of mistreatment, big or small, do to 2 thgs: the normal family tie & the amount of bad person they r, whether small or big will want more or less for other members to accept the mistreatment of others
Wow. This is a great video! I love that it's shorter than usual and right to the point. I can relate to all of these concepts- especially the 3 C's. Thank you! So good!
I needed this video for a long time since I started working on myself despite still progressing to be independent. Like a fresh air after a smoky room, a clean breath sweeps away the residue. Thank you for your life-saving work as usual, patrick. I'm excited about more of this helpful short length video.
Very useful explained 🎓🎓
Had several times serious problems when people manipulate, lie, start to dominate the conversation ore humiliate my knowledge
Don’t want to supply such Narcs and Egocentrics at all anymore
Extremely helpful Patrick. For me, the three Cs have been a hard one. Anytime someone seems upset or cold, I usually think I caused it. The emotions and problems of others wreck me. Don't sweat those in my inner circle is huge! I have a coworker who is a jerk to everyone and he rarely is respectful to others and consequently I have become cold to him although he offers to help me quite a bit. I realize that his behavior towards everyone affects me negatively because I feel I have to defend people. I have to work on realizing the things I can control and the things I cannot.
This is so weird but I didn't bother with any internet "media" until the Johnny Depp court case in America. Then I started following it on CZcams. The psychological aspects fascinated me, plus I've been working hard on understanding who is lying.
Anyway, back then, troll comments really triggered me to the point of raised blood pressure and writing in anger (which luckily I took a beat and discarded rather than posted). It helped me practice logical controlled forgiving reactions since I had all the time in the world after being triggered to calm down and look for a perspective of maturity and humor rather than defensive anger. How much this is worth, I don't know, but I hope I can apply it to realtime criticisms. I have a long way to go yet on not being triggered.
It’s fun to watch the evolution of Patrick. I can see how much you’re growing in your work which is inspiring. Thank you. ❤
Tip #2. It's so hard. Everything related directly to me is good. But the people I love and care about are not doing well. I would gladly give up wha i's going well for me if it meant they could be OK.
Its really nice to hear about people like me who've been affected by childhood trauma in this fashion, it helps me feel like im not alone
Calling it “getting political” makes sense bc , an interesting aside, one definition of political success I read was being able to negotiate w others without showing your true feelings on a particular issue. It implied the better one is at this, the better the politician they will be
Hi Patrick, hi everyone. Thank you Patrick for all you do!!!
Don't bring your inner child when dealing with difficult situations. That is a powerful one. Thank you Patrick.
Love this video. Especially "Don't bring your inner child" makes alot of sense. The Diplomat can be really exhausting if you do it for too long, but it makes a ton of sense when you have to do it. Thank you for the video :)
If you don't/can't relate to your inner child,
"Go into the situation with your prefrontal cortex online and intact, not go into it from your limbic system and the trauma brain, specifically the amygdala". Thanks, Patrick. That really speaks to me❤
Pronia - an interesting concept that I only started realizing late in my healing process, all those people that "had my back" from that confused pre-teen and older brother's camp counseler friends to various high school friends that kept me from escalating a situation with state police or vowing to never shoot up drugs in response to the death of a number of friends and SA by a childhood friend of my mother and her non-questioning to you figure it out responses to some college friends who spent a night talking me down to a friends parents and family taking me in to get clean to the bike gang that had a soft spot to look out for my safety as I survived in the underbelly of society and a significant number of others to the young girl that brought me home to her parents who saw that I could be more than what I appeared to be and they became more family than in laws - heck I even got a little sister too (that was an aspect of my difficulty with my birth mother as boy number four when she was expecting a girl). Yes, there were a lot of people and situations that were there at the right time to keep me alive even the few that heard my fuller story - "how in the F did you survive?".
Love these! Really appreciate the "don't bring your inner child" and the "can you be a diplomat"!
Thank you for everything you do. I hope you one day make a video about feeling guilty for not speaking so often or not seeing your parents. Especially those of us who only have one parent that are alone and have no one else in their life... Of adults who have parents that lives for you, and lets you know we are all they have...
Yes, please. My adoptive mum lives on her own and says stuff like that. I don't like being hurtful, but I moved out to get independence and have my own life
@@ShintogaDeathAngel I am sorry you are going through this too. It is really hard, and the guilt can be crippling. Especially when they always let you know that you are all they have or what they've done for you. And that they don't go out or know others. I think this is not talked about other places in youtube therapy. You can feel guilty for trying to live your life when your parents life just kind of stopped when we leave. And what about if they were emotionally/physical abusive and now you see them as fragile and that they need to be taken care of. Because they barely can take care of themselves. Yeah sorry too specific lol. I Hope you have a good life. ☀️
@@weeziii8193hi- this kind of reminds me of the joke years ago how many… whatever person… it takes to change a lightbulb.
So here’s one…”how many Irish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?… None… ‘ah, you go out son and enjoy yourself, I’ll just sit here at home on my own, in the dark”… take care. Happy Valentine’s Day- I tell my kids -Love is an action word- Ultimately respect is love. So maybe we can sing that song RESPECT- for ourselves today-instead of corny love songs of old. Respect to all here 🙏 Thanks you Patrick.
⬆️ that line going through to delete- a mistake- no clue how it happened.
I must be getting a little better because lately I've been able to listen to your videos start to finish. When I began listening I couldn't get through a whole video in one sitting. That was probably a year ago. Yay me.
The one about letting people feel their feelings is the most helpful to me. Yesterday I was at dean's office to explain stressful issue that was fault of the office (I'm moving from one university to another). At the end it was ME apologizing, because lady in the office got irritated (although it was me thinking I will have to do 1 year of not planned break from studying and stressing, because this is the only one aspect of my life I'm good at and that brings me joy and I just explained what the problem was)
These are great; I especially like the concepts of having a babysitter for the inner child and being a diplomat.
Sometimes that mother comment can be given through someone's cultural lens. Some people are not worthy to know your struggle.
Oooooo I love that! " People bring advice but often their worlds are on fire". Stunning!!!
The 3 Cs is super helpful for trauma triggers and ocd thoughts
I have an extreme urge to reciprocate "love/care/respect" even if someone would do a minor thing or minor courtesy would make me really indebted, to an extreme level need to fix it.
I wish I had access to this kind of information when I was younger. Healing has been a lifelong process.
Thanks for your time and energy to help me for free❤
❤❤wow I'm finally hitting this shit outta the ball park. Between Patrick and a guy named Tim Fletcher, i cant belive the shift into clarity I'm getting. I'm a health care professional and i literally havent heard this stuff like this. The two have different styles as neither is a perfect fit. I have autism as well as the ADD and CPTSD. I never knew this stuff and the not knowing has wrecked my life.
IM SO GRATEFUL ❤❤
Patrick, what’s your hourly rate for babysitting my inner child and will she get snacks and access to a stuffed toy? 😅
😂😂🤗
Thanks I really like the 3 C's! Sort of like saying "Not my circus, not my monkeys!" 🤣
(Speaking to #8)
My therapist gave me another way to look at it during my divorce. Rather than doing/saying things that were not in my best interest, he said to remember that “this is strictly business.” That phrasing helped me so much, so I offer it here.
Paronia. I like that one. For me just as with being able to “go for it” at times. Getting rid of catastrophic thinking. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. Etc. Chicken little and the sky is always falling and all of that. As dealing with a lot of imaginary fears and excessive doom and gloom.
I like also how reliable my “coffee time” is. I can ALWAYS look forward to that Bcuz I have full control over it and I make sure it happens every single day. Lol.
Also yes. Diplomat. I also love that Bcuz you just focus on “what will work” on a very practical level. Taking my cues from Benjamin Franklin. Lol. You do it Bcuz it gets you from point A to point B.
I have the pronia book.
Great book.
Ahh I love the "know your audience point". I think the book "Steal like an Artist" had a phrase in the beginning: "all advice is autobiographical", so the reader would be free to disregard when inapplicable. Changed my world when I read that and now this just cemented it. Thanks for the reminder!
This was really helpful. It was like a little trauma cheat sheet I can have in my pocket. Thanks, Patrick!
That was outstanding--just nails it. The best practical advice I may have ever received to deal with managing the trauma, the inner critic vis a vis conflict and communication with others, whether it’s people close to you or toxic people or just tough situations.
Patrick, you’re getting better and better. So awesome, thanks!
"Know your audience" just reminds me of the great advice I got: "don't listen to parenting advice from people whose kids you cannot STAND" 😂
Some situations call for diplomacy like at work. But some situations call for anger or a much more direct response because you have tried diplomacy, and it fell on deaf ears. Like that uncle mentioned earlier in the videos who is only on your mother's side, not your side, and tells you never to upset her even though she gets upset at the smallest things.
Super helpful, practical advice as always, thank you for putting this together. PS That hair style looks great on you!
Thank you for everything you do, super excited to watch!
I totally leave my inner kiddo with you Patrick! 😅
I’m racking up the bill 😂
OMG the Pink Floyd cover! 😍😍😍🔥🔥🔥
"Don't bring your inner child" and "Can you be a diplomat" really struck home. I can be very reactive, but I was taught about "coping ahead" in PHP. I've gone into a couple of touchy situations where I spent time the day before and the morning of the event doing directed meditations for things like paranoia and inner peace, then setting an intention for calm right before going in. It has been really helpful. I guess I'm comforting the inner child and empowering the inner adult. Now that you've articulated it, I might be able to get a less intense version online for less intense situations. Catching myself before I jump is going to be a challenge.
In response to the diplomat, sometimes we get afraid to just bear it for a short time because we don't trust ourselves to find something better and actually leave. My mom is currently dealing with this at her toxic workplace. She believes that if she just keeps her head down and people-pleases her superiors to death that they will realize how incredible she is and finally appreciate all her hard work. But they don't, yet she doesn't trust and value herself enough to leave and find a better job. It's tragic.
Ice on my burning wound.
Carly Pearl’s song “Pronoia” is amazing and introduced me to this idea.
Do you have a list of good enough trauma therapists worldwide? I understand you can't take responsibility for others' work, but if there was a section on your page of trauma therapists recommended by your community that would be so helpful. I'd be especially interested in the kind of group work you did with Amanda.
Thank you! You said things in a way I needed to hear on several points.
4:15 communication that does not trigger you to shame or not be true to yourself!
👏👏👏👏👏👏👏
Ohhhh, I needed this!
It helps so much! Thanks!
🙋. Bye back!
See you next video.