The Gulf Between Your Internal Life And How The World Sees You | Anna Marie Tendler
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- čas přidán 12. 09. 2024
- Lessons learned from the psychiatric hospital.
We’ve got a fascinating and very personal discussion today about the often very painful gap between the way you feel on the inside and the way the world perceives you. We also cover the urgency and difficulty of sitting with your own discomfort.
Anna Marie Tendler is an artist and writer. She is also the author of a new memoir called Men Have Called Her Crazy.
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I appreciate her speaking up- as a sensitive young woman with alcoholic narcissistic parents I resorted to anorexia and over exercising-
Then got into NON trauma informed meditation (although spirit rock said they were- 2009-2013) and did more self harm- non informed mindfulness can perpetuate trauma pathways. Thank you for your honesty and for educating people on DBT. Thank you Dan for seeing virtues of having her on.
1,000% so much of coaching and mindfulness is centered on bypassing the embodied experience of emotion and literally ignores trauma and its effects - just "Change your thoughts and change your life" right? Thank you for sharing, I think so many people share this struggle and are simply NOT being served by non-trauma-informed practitioners.
On the other hand, the scientific foundation for the all of the talk-and-feel-and-deep-dive-into-the-traumas kinds of therapy, starting with Freud, is dubious. Newer research points to low success rate and the risk of retraumatizing.
I am not claiming to have the solution, I just think that mental health care professionals need to be humble about their very young field. Most therapists I've met/consulted have all had two things in common:
1) when all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. They all think that their particular brand/school of fashion-of-the-week/decade kind of therapy is the right one for you, whoever you are and whatever your issues are.
2) apart from the limited number of sessions shorter therapies such as various variations of CBT, they all have no real method or plan or idea of where to go next, how long it will take etc. and have no problem taking people's money for months and years without really solving the problems. And no incentive for solving the problem as fast as possible.
First of all, I'm enjoying the podcast-and also liked listening to the book-TEN PERCENT HAPPIER. The notion of being ten percent improved resonates with me; it seems both "doable" (realistic) and worth trying (ten percent isn't fifty percent, sure, but it's not 1 percent either). I am bipolar and have to consistently attempt to apply myself to stay functional: keeping up with self care, household chores, bill pay, creative projects, social engagements, and so on. Moreover, when the inevitable lapses occur, as they will, I struggle to NOT be too judgmental, instead just try to pick myself up, dust myself off and jump back in.) As for THIS episode and THIS guest...Anna Marie is darling. I like what she has to say about the therapeutic process...finding one's own coping tools, understanding that one person's walk of redemption might be another person's breathwork or body work, or running down talking points with a therapist, etc. I especially liked AM's recounting of attachment styles & relationship management. Keep up the terrific work, Dan & AM Tendler.
I am a male who understands what she is saying. As such, for most of my life, much of her truth has not been visible to me. I am not threatened by this truth at all, but few people 'on the street', of either gender understand, but especially men.
Powerful. Life changing! What an achievement to be able to articulate, express in clear concise experiential language had been increasingly and deeply touching! For sure a turning point. Thank you 🙏
There are indeed many men who aren’t toxic nor do they wish to control, denigrate or otherwise abuse women.
If a woman feels the need to check her man’s email because he is untrustworthy, she is participating in the dynamic, not healing or solving it.
Furthermore, I’d encourage the author and others to flip the script- when you are compelled to make universal claims like “men are problematic”, try that phrase using the word “women” or a certain ethnic group, or religious practice. It only points the finger back at the person saying it.
Finally, remember (this is true for all of us), the common denominator in all your toxic relationships is you.
I love this interview and Anna Marie is wonderful in who she is!! specifically about the Patriarchy aspect but also all of it is very helpful and interesting!! Great interview!!
And also over exercising is a form of self harm…
Some of these comments are pretty disgusting and are also shortsighted. Relationships don’t happen in a vacuum. The patriarchy is 100% real. It’s interesting that any time a woman pushes back on the men in her life or the patriarchy in general people (both men and women)tend to want to villainize her or undermine her perspective. This is misogyny (internalized when it comes from women) 101. These comments are just furthering Anna’s points.
So happy to see AMT on the show!! Loved the book Anna! You are remarkable!! ❤
I feel that these kinds of criticisms between the sexes are always sort of myopic. I don't disagree that insensitive, emotionally unintelligent, privilege blind, boundary crossing etc. men exist. But there are plenty of men that are not like that. Guess what, most of them are not getting picked by women. When I hear women describe and critique this type of man, I always think: you're not describing or critiquing all men. You're describing and critiquing the kinds of men you give attention to.
If any kind of equality is to be reached between men and women, and all the toxic old male behaviors are to be thrown away, women also need to not constantly reward this kind of behavior. Both men and women have toxic behaviors probably rooted in our evolution. I am not sure that we can escape that, but if we're to have a chance of success, both men and women need to look at their behaviors and what they attract and reward.
Well said
Much better stated than I could ever do. I'm the first to admit toxic men exist out there, but presenting it in such a binary fashion, and assuming all men don't have emotional outlets is not the proper approach to dealing with this, if that even is the goal.
I have clearly realized how lacking the female psyche, perspective, wisdom is on our planet and if it was acknowledged, that will balance out the planet for sure. The yin and Yang and the circle around. We are moving into whole people and not half people re men and women. I also feel that women are ahead in the game because we are there doing "male" stuff.... learning to take care of ourselves, working, etc..... and that even though there are men who are more whole as humans but generally, the patriarchy is still too strong.
I found her book deeply problematic in parts.
If a man wrote about women in such a way while claiming it's all in support of mental health and his own psychological journey,
I highly doubt it would be as exceptable.
Not sure how to say this delicately but the book was so poorly written and self indulgent. I feel like most of her problems would be solved if she got a job, committed to one project and thought about herself less. She claims to hate men which sure, most women have had enough experiences to make that statement but I think she just hates herself for never doing or striving for anything that the only thing she has to her name is relationships with men, so she resents them.
What?! We heard two totally different interviews! I guess perception really is reality. But how can it be otherwise, I suppose.
20:44 two rich people laughing about the reality for the poors. How lovely.
At no point in this interview are Dan or Anna laughing about the reality of poor people.
Rich or poor. We all deal with emotions and some with mental health.
Children of privilege, who have the resources to pay professionals to help them fix their problems.
Oh my goodness. Do you have any sympathy? Or are you just jealous? Why on earth would you pull out the privileged card??
She's human!!! Like ALL of us, she's dealing with a fucked up world, and she was brave enough to save herself!
Gosh, I'm blown away that someone would make such a callous comment.
Maybe you're just having a bad day/moment
Harris is a very empathetic interviewer. I doubt I would have had the patience to put up with the lady's relentless tirade against the 'patriarchy'. Emotions are beautiful, but only when sublimated. Otherwise they are just expressions of neediness. And what I see here is a lot of neediness. Anyway, hope the lady finds peace and happiness.
Thank you for putting my thoughts into words in a kinder way than I was thinking them. I found this very difficult to listen to with empathy. (And yes, I'm a woman, not that I think it should matter.)
Well that’s very sexist of you…
So, when is the wedding? Oh, Dan, you are so hot for this great woman. Do something about it, instead of talking. good luck!