How to Be Human Instead of a Narcissist | FRANK YEOMANS
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- čas přidán 18. 05. 2021
- Dr. Frank Yeomans describes the purpose a narcissistic psychological structure serves, why it can be so difficult to break out of, and why it is so important to try to move to a more individual, nuanced viewpoint rather than the simple, black and white thinking characteristic of narcissistic structures.
Narcissistic psychological structures exist on an individual, family and group level. How can you (or I, or we) get out of a narcissistic structure? What can a therapist do to help on the individual level? What happens when you start to reject the narrative put forth by a narcissistic parent, or a cult leader, or the voice in your head?
Includes a treatment example of an NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) patient.
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Frank Yeomans is an expert clinician who makes use of Transference-Focused Psychotherapy in his practice treating NPD and BPD. In fact, he co-wrote the manual on TFP for Borderline Personality Disorder!
Check out our interview of Otto Kernberg (who mentored Frank Yeomans) for lots more related material: • Dr. Otto Kernberg
For more information about BORDERLINE, the feature-length documentary we made about BPD, please visit: borderlinethefilm.com
Our archive of videos on BPD and NPD is expanding - be sure to subscribe to our channel here: / borderlinernotes
Disclaimer: "Please be advised this video may contain sensitive information. All content found within this publication (VIDEO) is provided for informational purposes only. All cases may differ, and the information provided is a general guide. The content is not intended to be used as a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you have specific questions about a medical condition, you should consult your doctor or other qualified medical professional for assistance or questions you have regarding a medical condition. Studio Comma The, LLC and BorderlinerNotes does not recommend any specific course of medical remedy, physicians, products,opinion, or other information.
Studio Comma The, LLC and BorderlinerNotes expressly disclaim responsibility and shall have no liability for any damages, loss, injury, or liability whatsoever suffering as a result of reliance on the information in this publication. If you or someone you know is considering self-harm or suicide, it’s okay to ask for help. 24 hour support is provided by www.hopeline-nc.org (877.235.4525), suicidepreventionlifeline.org (800.273.8255), kidshelpphone.ca (800.668.6868).”
Narcissists will condition you to depend on them while shaming you for needing them in the process.
Yes!!!!!!
Happened with my garbage excuse of a "mother."
I feel I’ve been a narcissist because I believed someone outside of me was a narcissist.
Yes they do their best to maneuver you into needing them or asking for something and then they are like haha I got you I can shame and humiliate you now
Yes, just like his mother did to him. The narcissist was detached from his own needs, like a child. He was blackmailed by a sick care-giver. This care-giver abused the child's real emotional needs (primary feelings of security and love) both for attachment and for manipulation. The child was constantly told that he was no good. About the fact that he is good, he can only get information from the outside, from other people. He learns to influence these others in such a way that they perceive him as good. He manipulates the way he himself was manipulated by his mother when he was a child. He had to go to shame and was ashamed. He treats women in the same way: he returns everything to his mother through projection (archetypal revenge). "My Way" by Frankie Sinatra is his hymn.
"you don't get close around beiing perfect, you get close by being human, which includes being flawed.."
Dehumanizing other people, even narcissists, is a great first step to becoming a narcissist.
instrumentalizing a beautiful existence is the second step to further destroy the inner value of a one.
Be around the enemy that long, you may live long enough to see yourself become the villain.
Wouldnt human supremacism be a problematic mindset? Wouldn’t that just be narcissism at the level of specie?
@@liammorris7324 大多數人並不能接受“自身”是動物，因為在他們認知裏面，動物是低賤，噁心，且殘暴的，所以我們可以無情地，折磨地殺死他們。這也就是為什麼，人們無法接受“自身”是動物的現實，因為當他們將動物和自身視為同一個東西的時候，那些黑暗，自戀的觀念也就從動物遷移到了人類，也就是“自身”身上。他們內心的自戀，瞬間崩塌，產生無法接受現實的痛苦，觸發了他們的心裏防禦機制（1扭曲現實，2偏執化思想，3拒絕接受，4迴避）。
殊不知生命本身就是值得被愛的，生命本身就是美麗的，生命本身就是珍貴的。
是不是動物已經不重要，最重要的事情是“我愛你”
Usually people are born narcissists they don’t generally inherit it.
Who knew we were drowning in a sea of narcissism until all these CZcams videos came out.
Welcome aboard the life boat!
I appreciate the lifeboat. I thought I was alone for 40 years. Now I have hope and some moments of sanity ❤
Dark night of the Soul is disconcerting but necessary. I'm so ready to heal from narcissism. I want to live a life of emotional balance and freedom. It has been rough and lonely, but there is no other way. Appreciate this non-judgemental and compassionate insight.
Same here 😢
Here with you.
I want to speak to u.pl can u give ur no
Yes - well said. Me too. Starting the lonely journey. I’m happy for you and glad to read your post. So little is heard from narcissistic people who are trying to heal.
Me too. I'm often stopped by myself but I truly believe I want to have change
When we take back our projections, the healing then begins.
Yes! 🙌 narc will project on you their shame. It was never you. Healing is messy and painful, but better than a life of self doubt.
I’d love to hear about what he makes of narcissistic therapists themselves as there are a shit load of them out there
That's correct. And very fearful for the people that are turning to them for help.
As a diagnosed narcissist these videos shock me in a really helpful way. They’re spot on.
Thank you for sharing that. I think it’s important to recognize that no one wants to be a narcissist, it is a condition, like cancer or a brain tumor, or dementia. The condition makes you behave in certain ways that feel right to you, and you don’t see a problem with it, because of the condition. Unfortunately, a lot of times the behavior is very harmful to those around you, and since you can’t say “oh, sorry, the NPD made me do it”, people aren’t interested in trying to help you, they just want to get away from the danger in whatever way they can.
I have a narcissistic father and I have been trying and trying to get my mother to help me lead him into treatment. Instead we go around and around about the abuses he inflicted on the family, with my mom throwing up excuses, while the disease sits back and enjoys watching the family it destroyed suffer. I keep trying to tell my mom, if he had dementia, we wouldn’t let him smack us around and set the house on fire while we just sit here and watch, we’d take him straight to a doctor for diagnosis and treatment. But since we have a lifetime of abusive behavior, we refuse to recognize that it is an actual treatable problem, and instead say it’s just the way he is and we try to reason with the disease. Meanwhile, my poor dad is on a fast path to Hell with no friend in the world except the one (my mother) telling him “No Honey, you’re fine and everything you do is right, even if it makes the children hate you and need decades of therapy to recover from”. I cry for him and I’m happy that some people who suffer from this horrible condition are able to get help and live an authentic and quality life. ❤
Accepting that people are a mixed bag is very important to me.
I've given a lot of thought to the notion that everyone is a mixed bag and have concluded that, while this is technically true, some people are mature and balanced in how much they serve others vs self, essentially meeting the definition of "good". Others are the opposite - which I do call "bad" - and psychologically survive by using other people like tools and believing their own victimhood narrative (coupled with splitting, projection, and other nasty magic tricks of the underdeveloped psyche), and their good-seeming characteristics are designed to lure other people in for purely self-serving purposes. Others are predominantly good-natured, but not quite as far along on the journey described by Yeomans as the people we might think of as fundamentally good at the core. Those people seem to be the true mixed bags, and they are works in progress whom I usually can accept as "good enough", although usually I would consider such people "good" and only once in awhile get irritated by something less-than-thoughtful they have done. Although it may sound arrogant to some that I judge anyone, the fact of the matter is that everyone judges other people and being two naive and far off the mark in an attempt to preserve a self-serving worldview that people are fundamentally good at heart can lead to us having too much trust too quickly in others with potentially very dire consequences. Some people really are irredeemably bad, and you come across the unmistakable pattern of behavior associated with such a person it is not a bad thing to feel comfortable with acknowledging it and staying far far away (or somehow protecting yourself from the danger they present). Perhaps those people are mixed bags and with the exact right therapist their "good" parts could be brought to the fore, but neither is that my job nor do I need to focus on how bad they really are. My job is to make sure I navigate through life and parenthood in a way that leads to positive outcomes without inflicting damage on other people and hopefully actually helping others along the way.
The reason for all of this lengthy discourse is that very often I hear people making excuses for bad behavior, thereby enabling it just so they can give themselves a pat on the back for being an accepting person and telling the people around them that they just successfully brokered peace in the workplace or helped a client's children by forcing the other side into a divorce settlement (with custody and financial arrangements that will ultimately harm the children!). Those people are usually the ones who urge "forgiveness" all the time, which can actually be an extremely thoughtless and possibly cruel thing to do with someone who is the main target (of projection) of an abusive person. I see this urge for targeted and/or abused people to issue forgiveness to a/the malignant narcissist in their lives as not only self-righteous, but also part of the "forgiving" person's way of splitting off their own bad parts due to having an underdeveloped personality. Being so "forgiving" and seeing everyone as fundamentally good at heart (at the expense of people who suffer at their hands) seems like the other, less in-your-face side of the paranoid-schizoid coin.
I'm working through a nasty experience in the aftermath of a one-sidedly nasty divorce in the aftermath of my children having been abducted by their mother 1000 miles from home for 3 months. There's no question in my mind that she is a type of bad person. Narcissistic, sadistic, and - at least under certain circumstances - obsessed with obtaining power. However, my children probably need her as a Freudian prop of a mother, so I have to do everything I can to help them understand that people are a mixed bag or even if they have concluded that their mother is bad it is my job to at least show them that I do not respond in kind and do not automatically paint her family members as mean or bad by association. To accomplish this involve the constant internal 'push and pull' (struggle, perhaps, although it seems natural to me so it doesn't feel like a struggle) not to split and simultaneously to recognize bad for what it is when I encounter it without having to feel apologetic for arriving at that conclusion.
Thank you for this thoughtful response, which clearly shows a complex viewpoint instead of the simple judging of someone as 'good' or 'bad' that Yeomans would say is part of the paranoid-schizoid position :)
Saying someone is a 'mixed bag' is very ambiguous, and can be taken many different ways. What's in the bag and what the percentages are (and even how well they're mixed!) all play a role in what ends up being someone's 'personality.' -P
I completely agree with this. One thing I've had to learn about myself as I recovered from my codependent ways is that we codependent prone people can rely on the "mixed bad" argument to avoid leaving unhealthy relationships.
I like to live my life with the idea that everyone is doing the best they can. What I've had to learn with the close relationships in my life is this: Sometimes your best is not good enough for me.
This happend to me. This professor is a genius. I am not sure if I was narcissistic before or not, but after my illusion shattered, I became so terrified, and I didn't know what to do, how to think, and even how to talk. But like a Phoenix I was born again, and I am way more satisfied of who I am now. That was my real birthday
These videos are more respectful to helping people recognize narcissism in themselves. Most the videos about narcissism is all about being evil and abusive and downright inhuman
but that is the truth
Sadly it is
You cannot excuse the abuse. If you do then you aren't changing
100% agree. Abuse is never to be tolerated, but "splitting" and calling people monsters, etc. is not a safe thing to do. I'm not saying to stay in an abusive relationship, but we need to be careful how we relate to these people and speak about them.
Most of the people commenting on those kinds of videos complaining about how a narcissist treated them are the actual narcissist 😂
I hate the NPD tendencies that make my life hard. I meditate, exercise, study, work, play music, (and even do my best to help and be creative with my loved ones/family). I try to get to the root of trauma in my past everyday. Where should people start who are actively looking to heal trauma and baggage that contributes to these behavioral and mood problems like BPD or NPD? What should people do that have grown up with parents and other 'adults' that have NPD and alcoholism, who have gotten messed up and developed these problems themselves? Books? Classes? Exercises? Start with therapy? You speak about "these people" with NPD, but "these people" are everywhere and they have felt abandoned and messed up for a long time, and its not fun... I want to be loved and love others without this set of hooks I drag around. I feel deeply flawed... Some/many days are good, some days are not good. Deep down I don't trust myself, of anyone else; if I'm honest. This feels gross, and scary. The shadow that never leaves. You feel contaminated and defective when things start getting really bad. I just want this out of my system. This cycle needs to be broken.
Have you ever researched psychedelica and personality disorders? This might be a thing to look in and thinking that suffering is universal we all share it on a certain level even some suffer much more than others.
Maybe give yourself a break from all the pressure and just follow your triggers..
They will point you to whatever needs healing.
Good luck with all! Im rooting for you.❤
I find it incredible how these videos on narcissism from Drs. Yeoman and Diamond describe with precision things i used to live through and thoughts i used to have throughout my teenage years. I'm doing therapy now, but i believe i made a great deal of progress on my own. I started to see holes in the superiority narrative some years ago and went through a long phase of suicidal ideation, but now i'm starting to know myself, to try and become what i truly wanted to be as myself but the superiority narrative wouldn't let cause it wasn't "perfect". Many thanks for uploading these videos, they bring a lot of self reflection to me and might help others with simillar problems too. Cheers from Brazil.
Thank you so much for this comment; it makes us feel like we're really doing something worthwhile to read such things. Much appreciation to you from the US, and good luck with your continued "becoming."
@@BorderlinerNotes Thanks!
Go for it. I trust you can change for the better.😄
Great! Most never get to question themselves. Congratulations!
@@BorderlinerNotesDears you people are really doing great service for humanity, much appreciated. Great work, please keep it going. Thanks a lot.
“ Nothing can be loved or hated unless it is first understood.” - Leonardo da Vinci..
That's an interesting quote because I've always felt people hate what they don't understand in many cases. I'll have to have a deeper think about it. 👍
to face the shadow is not an easy thing
truth
Good observation. I can't quite imagine how much more difficult to self reflect for people who grew up in a home where "responsibility" was paramount. How can one self reflect when talking or thinking about oneself is considered "selfish". How can one face the shadow when negative emotions are not welcome in the home. Negative emotions are not meant to be understood but swept under the rug or treated as a sign of selfishness. The same home is full of sympathy (but always with a plan for cleaning up the outward appearance) but little to no empathy.
the practice of equanimity could help. but it's still not easy nonetheless
Humor helps
Him being a clinician its very easy to talk like helping the narcissist ...i agree these people are also humans...but living with them and try to help them?they will destroy you ...even keeping yourself alive and healthy is a huge thing for a survivor after the abuse...i nearly died ...
You are not alone. My experience too.
Exactly. Same experience. They can never change and it's giving people false hope to pretend they can.
This is what I have lived through, too. I think they can change, but one has to risk martyrdom to try. That is not a reasonable choice to make.
@@aarondean2958 absolutely
@@aarondean2958No!!! They don't change.
Man. That’s how’ve I’ve been feeling. Like a baby in a grown humans body. Learning how t react and how to feel to situations. Fighting old self with new self. It makes me want to start over from ground zero.
That’s what we’re supposed to do. Create stability in a mindset of neutrality (non judgement) Neutrality is the “base” of which we build our concept of self on top of. Narcissistic structures are built with the “materials” of fear. When you “start over” you give yourself the window of opportunity to build your container out of love. Yes, indeed easier said than done, but that’s when surrender comes into play. And by surrendering I mean softening your body, enough to feel and be truly HONEST about the fears and projections you’ve used as an illusionary form of protection (your container built from fear). Surrendering is not one act on a day you’re feeling good, but it is a continuous deepening into yourself that goes hand in hand with how willing your are to be truthful with yourself and how many hard pills you can swallow. The beautiful thing is that when we continue to surrender, we build trust within ourselves. The subconscious is aware that this consistency and perseverance to surrender is indeed an act of love. And deconstruction of the “ fear box” is replaced with truth and love.
It’s a journey, keep leading it with love and you’ll be awakened one second at a time.❤❤❤
@@samanthachildress1091 9 months later and I can say that I’m still pushing forward on this journey. Everyday there’s some sort of surrendering and allowing of that all TRUE Love to permeate my mind body and soul. It’s been an amazing journey this far. I appreciate the time you took out to also comment
I’m feeling the same bro. Like he said life is hard. Hopefully we all make it out of this shit.
@@JCredo9585 we will brother. I am still going. And everyday you learn something new about yourself. Be willing to forget everything you thought you believed about yourself. Go within. Pray. And let go. The more you let go and surrender to the unknown, the more becomes revealed to you. It’s a roller coaster of a ride but it’s more than worth it. Trust me. Years of bs has been piled on our mentalities so it may take a bit to get rid of it. Not forever. Keep that chin up bro. Let’s keep fighting the good fight. We’re not here to give up. Oak tree seeds have a purpose. Bees have a purpose. A blade of grass serves a purpose. I know for damn sure you have one as well. Keep going 🤜🏾
loving the comments on this video 💛
Not being judgemental and ackknowledging that you (the non-narcissisct) aren't perfect either, is really helpful. The problem of us narcissists is, after all, not our grandiosity, but the feeling of uselessness.
This video is awesome. Being perfectionist and narcissist traps you in that toxic cycle and you feel stuck, with no possible change, but I do believe anything can be broken. Yes, we make mistakes but that doesn’t define us.
May God transform us.
Being brought up in an authorial environment, religious by nature, one wasn’t allowed to have their own opinion.
And the totalitarian mindset and structure has left deep narcissistic injuries in my soul.
Sometimes I’ve been hurtful towards others, other times I’ve let others lead me into destructive behaviour, like a sheep to the butcher.
I hope I can heal someday, most ppl I think do not realise what such a strict upbringing does to a young child. You can become a self imposed victim, and you can become a monster or an addict.
I know exactly what you mean
The best video so far. I am in the process of breaking out of narcissism and I confirm each level he's describing is true. I'm in a whole new world.
How did you start ? What was the first step?
@@somedudewithnomustache2908 hi. Thanks for asking. I guess it's not the same for everyone. I have a narcissistic mother. There was a time in my life when I could no longer tolerate her that I went out of the house to live on my own (it is not common for single woman to do this in my country but that's what I did because it was very painful to live with her). But at the time I didn't know anything about narcissism. I guess it was 8 years after that I knew what narcissism is & started to learn about it. And because of this I realized that I have somehow developed my own narcissistic traits. It was hard to admit at first, but then I think what happened was I learned to accept the truth about my mother being a narcissist, that she is incapable of loving me as a person, & none of this is/was my fault. And then from there I continued my journey of learning to become a whole new person. And it's been 10 years & counting so far... Whatever your story is, I hope you will find a way to cope & heal... Sending you some strength you need to get through the day...
@@somedudewithnomustache2908 oh, and also the realization that my mother is not me & I am not her. It was a huge part of my healing process.
@Retno Sofyaniek How are you progressing now? How did you cope with the realization that your reality isn't actually real? I hope you're doing well.
Glad for you.
9:42 - About the patient’s projection - “She can’t see that in herself. She sees it in me. Let’s get to know it” 🥳🥳🥳
This gives me some hope. I do feel a lot of this, I've felt I've been faking most of my life, I took on messages in youth to be perfect, both from strict Christian upbringing and a parent with high expectations, and being a sensitive kid. I'm afraid I have no idea who I am under but I trust this no man's land will lead me to mutuality, interdependence, and normal imperfect humanity. Love you all!
Thank you so much for sharing this. I can relate with the upbringing. Happy you are here, and that you have some trust that the no man's land is leading in the right direction even though it might be scary to go through! -P
Yes, I can relate so much to your comment. Though I will say the high expectations were self imposed. Keep searching. It took me to age 50 for most of it to click and make sense to me.
@@jamesbow5916 thanks for your reply
@@bryanthomas4907 thank your for sharing... thats very insightful way to put it, when we safe and protected enough, we can start to feel the grief behind the hate I hope.
👍💛
Narcissists are made within a foundational culture that ties performance & external appearances to internal self worth.
That’s why they’re so focused on themselves, & why they can never admit being wrong.
Yeah, basicly social media now, there is a strong connection :D
Since New Year's day, i have been rocked to my core after to surrendering and accepting that I am a covert narcissist. I have been in counseling actively since 2009 trying to come to some understanding of why I felt my life was so much different than everyone else. Why were people able to enjoy life and I didn't. I thought it was childhood trauma, I thought it was sexual trauma. I have been misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder, bpd, and the last thing was Major depressive disorder which i know i have. I have done cbt, and dbt and have been hospitalized twice which were the only things that were basically offered to me. I was recently told that I was empathetic and due to my narcissistic mother i needed to heal from her abuse which sent me down another rabbit hole. It didn't seem to encompass all that I was experiencing. I had no absolute clue that I too could be a narcissist as well. I have done a lot of research in these past 3 days, and it has been scary. I want to love, I yearn to love and feel love. But the amount of videos that just shit on some of us that have developed these stories in order to cope with the harshness of life has been debilitating for me to comprehend how i am supposed to find genuine joy in life and have fulfilling long lasting deep relationships with people that i love. I want to feel normal or non narcissistic.
I have been reflecting over these stories that i used to make for things i didn't understand about what i was experiencing, and I honestly don't know who I am anymore. The veil has been snatched from my face... I don't know if Im manipulating a situation, or if I'm being real, too harsh, too passive. I am a mess. i even notice that i am on edge, and when i might have taken a pause, i take the pause but the words don't have the couth that Im used to having giving all the work that i have been doing to fit into a non narcissistic society. i have been super raw lately. i say all of this because i need to vent which could be very narcissistic of me... i don't know. but also that i appreciate your tone and the care you give to this topic. Especially for those who want to rid themselves of this illness, who, as i understand it will always have to what feels like to walk on eggshells, be on guard, die to their ego, struggle to rewrite their story, i don't know which one it is.
Great answer!
This is so well written. I venture to guess you may just be a .......human. sometimes these labels can get overworked.
Thanks for sharing. Same here. Completely lost and trying to work out what are "appropriate behaviours". Took me 3 months to accept I was narcissistic, finally the defenses were destroyed. How's your healing? How do you do the work? ❤
Thank you for your comment. I have been looking for this video for a little while now. Low and behold, it popped back up. I was in counseling shortly after I posted this with someone who had been seeing me for a time. She said based on an assessment, she did not think that I was narcissistic but more like CPSTD. Even that is still a work, everyday. I am still working on healing. I am no longer with that counselor. Quite frankly I have been doing better as my situation started to level out. It is not easy being in a space like this. I have to practice giving myself grace everyday. Re-reading through my replies, I like the advice of @danswhite8544 it's important. Maybe focus on other things than trying to diagnose whats going on with you. That can become a nasty rabbit hole. I hope this helps.@@amandagarciapastor6475
@amandagarciapastor6475 what kind of defenses did you use and how did you realise things.. ? I believe that narsisissm can be changed by rewiring the brain if the person sees themselves and decide that they want a better life. What many therpaist do wrong is that, they dont understand that they HAVE TO USE CHILD PSYCHOLOGY... ypur emotions are not adult so to give adult trauma therapy to a npd will make the narsisissm worse.. it HAS to start with child psychology and THEn later follow up therapy for the new appropriate age ,in chronological order.. sam vaknin is expert on this..
I am on the autistic spectrum and these days I see my efforts to share my interest in camera gear as a tendency towards Narcissism. Sometimes when I have accumulated too many old cameras and lenses I will give some away to people who might benefit from them. Sometimes the donations are very successful in their effects and I do feel I have made a difference, but other times I do feel a sense of control over the recipient, rather like I am an over-zealous sponsor. Since learning about Narcissism I have thought long and hard about my donations. It is as if I am trying to recruit others to my special interest, which is really not possible. I know I am commenting on a video that has had no comments for a year, but videos like these should not have a 'shelf-life.' I would like to think that I can glimpse a new perspective on mine and others' behaviour from videos like these.
My Dude. Respect 🙏.....
Okay, sign me up for your camera...stuff.
I relate heavily. It's difficult to refrain from trying to recruit people to your interests when you don't have a good toolset to otherwise connect. I feel like I'm facing an impossible task in trying to rehabilitate my personality while also being autistic.
Autistic special interests and wanting to recruit and others to join your passion is not narcissism. It is autism. From the outside, autistic behavior can easily be mistaken for narcissism.
That's beautiful introspection.
I've noticed that behavior in other people too. They think because they gave the item they control it, but that turns it from being a favor to a burden. Like you're just making the other person hold the item for you. It's not immediately obvious, and something I had to realize when other people do this and also to catch myself if I find myself doing the same.
This guys the real deal. Fucking Legend. See's the way to helping damaged people. incrementally, safely and with empathy helping someone to remove their exaggerated perception due to damage cause by other damaged people. Deeply Sad, but met with complete Hope and compassion for all people. Big Up Frank Yeomans and His Infinitely compassionate, intelligent and mature personality. Watching this video has brought me joy and strength through being able to acknowledge my pure respect for the way this qualified man acts with these people that have endured and been morphed by unfortunate and painful event. The thought of his colleagues and other therapists also acting with the knowledge and manner as him to help these people just makes me so happy. As I feel like this level of understanding and positivity for such damaged people is just so hard to find because when misunderstood, it becomes so easy to resent such people and see them as evil. Love and Prosperity to all that read this.
“I don't know what's worse: to not know what you are and be happy, or to become what you've always wanted to be, and feel alone.”
Actually now that i know myself more, i feel much happier with my dark side, “how do we integrate the shadow?“
I’ll take number two please…
@@annbell3864 This is too deep. Take it easy, be alone , read a book, or join a new club... etc
1) narcissists are not happy: not knowing who you are is a very empty feeling, lonely existence, I can not see how this can be happiness, 2) become what you’ve always wanted to be? You mean: learn to know who you are? It is not a lonely feeling, once you get there. Maybe it is lonely on the road to get there, but once you arrive, you feel much better. So that feeling of loneliness is just a phase you need to go through. Afterwards there will be much more happiness, feelings of fulfillment. No doubt: the second option is the best. The problem is that narcissists are stuck in their narcissism since they were very small babies, so it is very hard to break out of this mechanism. But it is necessary to get a meaningful life.
I love him, as a therapist of course ,) and I think hes the best living psychoanalyst.
he would tell you he is neither the best nor the worst, but simply a psychoanalyst with strengths and flaws ;)
also, I love him too. His humanizing of people with personality disorders is inspiring.
I agree, he is one of the best. He is soothing and very articulate.
ME 2 !!!
I know a guy like this to the extreme.
He is so convinced he is perfect and all knowing, that if you infer he is wrong about something, or that he does not have all the information, he simply hangs up on you.
So you have to pretend all the ignorant things he says are correct, or else he gets angry
That is quite extreme. It’s wild to hear the variation. I know someone who will tell me I’m wrong when I make a statement. Then I say, what I’m referring to is this XYZ. Then they say why are you always wanting to argue with me. Essentially, I have to just accept what they say, instead of clarifying what I’m saying. Or they say I’m arguing and my ego is hurt and I need professional help. It’s bananas. Because I’m not arguing.
For example
I say: I don’t know how people get really high on weed. I did once and I felt terrible. Couldn’t wait till it was over.
They say: well that’s because they don’t get really high. They have tolerance.
I say: well what I’m referring to is why they would even want to get that high.
They say: why are you always wanting to argue with me.
It is so bananas. Just typing it now it now and reading it out loud. Not cool.
@@JoOrtiz09tell them they misunderstood what you were saying. “i think you misunderstood my point, im talking about WHY they would even want to get so high in the first place 😭” yes with an emoji to express friendly tone. i think they feel so stupid for misinterpreting you they just make you feel bad
@@misanthr0pic I appreciate the advice. Tbh I have tried that. Then they say I’m gaslighting them. I feel like I just need to say uh huh yes sure thing and nod. Anything other, is seen as confrontational by this person.
@@JoOrtiz09 yeah i always fight fire w fire so i would jus accuse them of trying to gaslight me then leaving the conversation abruptly to leave them on that note. i dont have time for ppl like that i’ve changed so much, my patience is low. i cut people off really easily. i’d have cussed this person by now, im so sorry you have to deal w that
If they are NPD then they are seriously mentally ill, do not engage as much as possible. Fair heads up.
This is both disturbing but also helpful. It's so refreshing to find positive and hopeful analysis of the roots of narcissism, so often the only commentary is on 'how to escape a narcissist relationship'. There is so little focus on those who have sufficient self awareness to recognise the situation they are in but feel helpless to progress through it. Thank you.
This is biblical. Christ came to tell us we are all flawed sinners by nature, and only by acknowledging this fact can we begin to be saved. Learning to face humility is part of the process and once you can see yourself as the fool you have been you can then aspire to be something more. The true King does not subjegate but rather enlightens you, and in doing so you can not only see through your own falsehoods but it is the beginning of the path to seeing through the falsehoods of others. God bless you all may we all see the light before mental unclarity becomes the norm.
Wow! This guy puts words to how I have come to understand narcissism, including my own... A better description than anyone I have came across, even tough I have listened to and read A LOT on the subject... 🙏
I was never a "stable narcissist", in relationhips the "looser", but I did often, rather than feel alone.... "comfort" myself with feeling superior. This definitely comes from my mother she always told me I was "the best", but was never able to make me feel seen, safe and good enough.
I use much less of this strategy now but I still struggle with emotional regulation and rapid shifts from "no problem, in love with the world" to "no future, the world is a dangerous place, EVERYBODY wants to hurt me and see true my fake".
Do I need to say my mother was very unpredictable/inconcistant, judging and punishing? Physically punishing until I was about 5,perhaps 6. I have no memories of this or of even of her as a person.... but I have read her confessions about it in over 50 years old journals from child Psychologist.
I feel you. I also dealt with the "constant praise" But then I was just basically on my own. Everyone who knows they are in this "community," we know we're in the same boat. We all just want to reach the normality that was taken from us, but we are our own worst enemies. The only obstacle in the way of our recovery is us and our Narcissistic tendencies. I hope every npd person reading this truly truly goes on to become normal, to the point where their existence won't be meaningless without love, relationships, or anything else that makes life worth living. Good luck to us all, and good luck to you Heal CPTSD
Try to learn about your attachment style, so maybe it will help you to know your way of connecting with others, to know yourself better. Sad that you had to go through the abuse, hope you get better.
@@luisaritosa9700 I made a total charger to my enviroment by moving to Africa. Here almost good enough is good enough👍😊. People are not afraid of each other and here is about 500 times more friendly Human Interaction.
When I'm here i don't have and mental/psychological problems. If I visit Sweden and stay too long they return.
What a great discussion, and what a nuanced view of narcissism. I never really attributed "black and white" thinking as its own form of narcissist structure.
I have a dear friend in my life that Frank perfectly describes. The kindest and sweetest person on the outside, but underneath all that kindness is a judgmental person. Nothing quite measures up. There is no room in his life (or family's life) for messiness. There is a "right" way to do and be. There is little room for personal intimacy. It is almost as if "doing the right thing" is his greatest source of emotional protection.
Thanks for your comment and the example from your personal life. I also know a few people who fit this category, and I have to say I fit into it myself off and on, depending on how out of it I am at the moment! After all, black and white thinking can be a comfort when you're having a hard time (especially if it's what you learned as a kid). Thanks again. -P
A good description of the woman I chosed to become the mother of my three children. Except that she is not particularly kind and sweet even on the outside..... but ALWAYS right and in control.
BTW, chosed.... I did try to leave her a couple of times before our first son was born, second pregnancy.... the first she aborted because she did not trust me to become a good enough father.... but still did not want me to leave... Talking about setting the ranks and make sure who is the boss/the good one?
I was not strong enough to leave, ended up staying another 21 years.... and my children are still, now 30,33 and 35, still pretty much stuck in mothers control, unable to have a relationship with me. A good description of the woman I chosed to become the mother of my three children. Except that she is not particularly kind and sweet even on the outside..... but ALWAYS right and in control.
BTW, chosed.... I did try to leave her a couple of times before our first son was born, second pregnancy.... the first she aborted because she did not trust me to become a good enough father.... but still did not want me to leave... Talking about setting the ranks and make sure who is the boss/the good one?
I was not strong enough to leave, ended up staying another 21 years.... and my children are still, now 30,33 and 35, still pretty much stuck in mothers control, unable to have a relationship with me.
@ Dominik Holewinski "we all have ..." yes.
It was refreshing to see this said, too, on another CZcams talk, by Jay Greenberg. He said:
*Narcissism is on a continuum and we all use narcissistic solutions in our lives.*
Narcissism is a way of shutting out the world, he said, and a way of shutting out our experience of our weakness, and creating a self-contained world in which we can function.
.
At the core of this is shame.
.
@@sohara.... that's the core difference between a NPD and a Psychopath is the NPD has strong feelings of shame where a psychopath has no empathy or shame at all
cOnfusing how they seem to simultaneously lack ability to accept their own flaws, yet if you confront them with a mistake they will dismiss you with "everyone has flaws. accept it"
nvm i guess it does make sense bc its more projection in a sense
Yes, it is as you say, dismissing a flaw, and not owning it
That's how they keep themselves from being seen. It's an attempt to derail from what you actually see.
Wow. This was an excellent video. This doctor gets it. I want all of you out there to have hope. Change is possible. If I could do it, anyone can.
Thank you! My 4yr relationship just ended yesterday because of this. Well she never said I was a narc, I looked into it myself cause every few months e we would argue about the same stuff it was a cycle. I nevvvvveer understood why. We’ve talked before about my childhood and I believe my mother was a narc. I was the only child. It was just her and I. I didn’t like being alone. She worked alllllll the time. Never had stable king last relationships, always fighting, then I would hear them have s*x a lot as a little girl. Seem like I got in trouble for everything. Or was sent to my grand parents in KY I’m in TN. To this day she is still controlling and I’m 33, with 2 kids 9&15 and she wants to tell me how to do this and that. Been living on my own since I was 18/19. Got my first apartment and never moved back home. Went through mooore toxic relationships. My first toxic relationship was when I was 13yr to 21 with my 15yr old father. I wanted s family life with each relationship, so I thought sex and doing what they say was it…. After 21 each relationship lasted 2-3yrs that’s it then on to the next. I became controlling I only dated guys that didn’t have much a job, a car, their own place so they needed me that was comfort and a red flag.
Now I’m 33 getting out of a four year relationship where I was treated perfect. My first lesbian relationship at that she was a great to me. She had issues to from a pandemic, but she still loved important to me and my two children I didn’t realize how fucked up I was until year three, last year , I took in took and took a lot from her cause she made me feel what I wanted in life a family, to be loved, and for someone to be all about me. I’m self diagnosing myself as a narcissist, I’ve also reached out to a therapist to help me because I don’t want it to affect my children I really want to change for myself my children and my ex girlfriend. So if you read this, please please please please pray for me.
Thank you!
I would be interested in a video about why narcissists believe they must do evil things in order to overcompensate for their insecurities. (The link between Insecurity and narcissistic sadism) I believe narcissists argue quite dumb for believing sabotaging somebody else will make their life better only due to 5 minutes dopamine rush of “Schadenfreude”
They ENJOY doing evil things. It makes them feel powerful and most are sadistic.
Often, the individual being victimized is far outdated by the narcissists' universal disdain for people in general. Most times, it's an indifference to the suffering of people at large. In more serious cases, it results in a sort of vindictive sadism they're happy to use against anyone of their number. They've given up on (or feel forsaken by) genuine positive relationships. Now, in their drowning pit, they're delighted to lash out against what they believe put them there in the first place, and watch it suffer as they have suffered. Under their own hand.
for me, i did it to cover up my vulnerabilities. i developed this “tough” “hard” persona and showed absolute no love towards anyone. i was afraid of being seen as weak to “protect” myself but in reality narcissistic personalities are weak in general. they hate themselves and feel unworthy so they always manipulate others to get control that they themselves do not have.
i just hated being “seen” for who i truly was. but please don’t think narcissists are happy. we are miserable everyday living with this state of perception
Radical acceptance of the reality and leave!❤
Yeeeoooww. I do believe it is too painful for those enabled and molded from a haughty family structure to ever find an abundantly provided life even in the matrix of abundance. Seems like that level, that unexplored existence is not of family of origin value and uncomfortable. Even after decades have passed, those short years in childhood have left an impermeable barrier. Great collaboration.
It's ONLY impermeable WITHOUT God! My husband is healing from Narcissism with God's help! I kid you not.
@@alexlg9521 all the best....
@@alexlg9521there is true hope in Christ, even for the narcissistic person
This is uncanny that this came up on my feed today. I just got away from a month with a very old friend I reconnected with, and this describes her perfectly in many ways imo!
Working in the projection - priceless.
Narcissists are humans. They are worthy of love too. They are no better or worse than anyone else.
One of the biggest hurdles I'm dealing with is trusting that it's okay for me to get validation from myself. Also to find the answer to when I'm putting responsibility on someone to validate my right to feel what I feel or if I'm sharing vulnerable. How do I actually know what real feelings and reactions look like when I've lived with fake emotions my whole life. Those are just some questions stirring inside of me. I figured out recently that I often share as if I "understand" something or that I present myself as "humble" when in reality I'm just trying to protect myself from what I conceive in others as judgement. Trust is incredibly difficult, yet I was ignorant and arrogant enough to believe and profess that I trusted everyone as a teen.
Thank you for the video. Many videos (great videos) deal with how to escape narcissism as a victim. But these videos are also so god damn needed.
I grinded my teeth at night and in the morning my jaw would be in so much pain. The dentist don't relate to abuse and trauma so in the process I lost two molars.
My shoulders were in so many knots and the back of the nape of my neck always felt sore and painful.
I had muscular pain throughout my body and my hair and eyebrows fell out.
I had no life in my eyes it was looking at a emptiness and the colouring of my skin was grey.
Doctors do not have a clue. Thank you Danish for connecting everything.
Get a night guard. You'll sleep better and your mouth will be happier.
@@bitcoinbelle Do you have to pay for their food or do they bring their own lunch when the night guard is on duty?
I can really relate to this..I'm diagnosed bpd, not npd, but I got "saved" in the evangelical christian sense at age 19, at a time when I was really floundering and feeling "lost" and really vulnerable...I was a metal-head teenager with evangelical parents during the "satanic panic" of the 80s, and the message I kept getting was that because of my interests and image, etc I was a bad kid who was being influenced by Satan and I needed Jesus to save me from the hell I deserved..I obviously had internalized and given credence to this idea...anyway, I invested 100% of myself into my new-found christian identity..I changed everything about myself and lived within this paradigm for 21 years..I was really all in..at age 40 though my cognitive dissonance finally caved under the crushing weight of knowing that so much of what I subscribed to didn't really make any sense, and I found it increasingly contrary to my sense of social and personal morality...I'm almost 52 now, and I feel like I'm still trying to figure out who I really am...when my faith dissolved I felt like I broke into a million pieces..it's very scary to feel like you can't really trust your own view of things or what you think is "The Truth"...a big part of bpd of course is identity disturbance though, so I guess my story is not so uncommon...and this is not meant to spark debate over religion, just part of my story..internal narrative is everything
Can't thank you enough for sharing this personal history exemplifying what's being discussed in the vid. Your story is definitely not uncommon! And even though in my family it was about bashing religion instead of being a part of it, the story is pretty similar in terms of subscribing to a belief that makes others "the bad ones" and us "the righteous ones" at the expense of complexity and acceptance of differences. I don't know if you had the support of therapy / community when your idea of "the Truth" dissolved, but you are very strong and brave for not doubling down on it when the dissonance increased, instead being open to a new viewpoint. Thanks again. -P
Need a friend?
I understand your story
Im going through a really tough time
Glad you got over religious people 👏👍
Thanks
Lol, it's 3 AM
@@BorderlinerNotes I agree that we need to understand complexity and accept differences to a degree but too many people retreat into relativism to achieve that. I don’t think that having a conception of objective truth is necessarily pathological as long as you understand that people aren’t perfect. In terms of politics everyone thinks in terms of good ones and bad ones. Politics itself is a struggle for your side to win. The issue is when you take that attitude and puritanically apply it to everyday people in our lives. We all consider ISIS to be evil, but this good and bad thinking only becomes bad when we start viewing others as ISIS when they made one mistake. The most mature way of understanding the world is that there is right and wrong and good and bad but that no human is perfect and able to adhere to that framework.
best of luck 2 you sweetheart!💗
More from Frank Yeoman, please!
Hopefully it's an ongoing collaboration, so don't worry about lack of Yeomans! Thanks for your support--- -P
This is incredibly helpful. I want to thank you for sharing information like this. Your work is so very important to someone who's trying to unlearn these harmful ways of thinking
This was really fascinating. I listened to this twice, but I think I could listen a third time.
I feel the same way.
Wow ... Dr Yeomans is describing the phase I am living ... the phase 'ok, now what?' It's challenging. I am appreciating Dr Yeomans wisdom in the videos. Simply put, but ring true, thank you
Interesting notion of working within the projection with an empathic approach. In familial and intimate relationships, this approach is consciously & unconsciously attempted by the other because s/he often intuits the rigidity of the narcissistic self-structure. It is high risk though because the projection is so powerfully emotional.
I believe narcissists are capable to let in a glimmer of truth, only for a moment, then it goes back into hiding in the deep recesses of their hearts & minds, usually never to be seen again.
This is something that clinicians noted ages ago about what they thought at the time was a novel pathology. It was likened to the tide in that one got somewhere with the analysand much like a sand castle that had been built, only for it to be washed away like nothing had ever happened in following sessions. It's hard for a clinician when their work is repeatedly destroyed!
I agree. They can briefly feel badly about their behavior, but it doesn't last longer than a day or so, at most.
They can't self-reflect or alter their behavior for an extended period of time because of the underlying wells of shame and feelings of worthlessness. They're too fragile to even begin to consider self-reflection.
The hard shell of grandiosity saves them, I guess. Otherwise, it could end in suicide.
There is hope in Christ to transform even the hardest, most self-centered person. Look into the story of Nebuchednezzar
well duh. it’s the black and white thinking. and cognitive dissonance. something like this can cause a narcissistic collapse and have them end their lives.
Nope once they see the light they do not go back to sleep.. there forced to rebalancing there karma or else they go crazy year after year
Wow. The way he addresses everyone at large and not just the outright narcissistic people is really interesting and encouraging. That's a part of the conversation I'd like to hear more.
7:05 You can’t get close around being perfect. You get close around being human which includes being flawed.
Let’s face it, I dealt with 2 narcissists and they’re life look amazing: they are goal oriented, successful (in a way or another) they are never alone, and easily fall in love with one after the other. While me, borderline, barely have a life worth living.
Trust me they are empty inside. Falling in love one after another is not love. They will keep chasing these things until they die. They will never be truly happy.
@Wevolve Fitness you both talk a lot. I've NPD and it's not like that for me. I'm functioning but not that high as I should because although I've grandeur I also have performance anxiety and fear of commitment so it's not that easy for me to start romantic relationships. I do fall in love easily though. And I don't feel that empty all the time.
Heart❤
Doesn't sound like NPD
@@aboetarikske how did you find out you had it ?
This man is damn brilliant!! Thanks for posting this. He touched on so many points that made me tear up.
This guy is a gift to the world. Thank you for sharing
The greatest video I've found on narcissism so far, thank you for these perspectives!
These videos are platinum. They are fantastic!
Compared to other online commentators about narcissism, this doctor is always an order of magnitude wiser. He sees things in a very clear and humane way.
If there is one thing I most fear, it’s mediocrity. I’ve always loved art, but find myself being afraid to produce anything for fear it might look incompetently done (making me unworthy of the label “artist.”) Without that label, I would be boring, and being boring is the worst thing I can be.
Thanks for sharing this; I can relate. I also couldn't take even the idea that there would be criticism of my art, and in any case didn't want to be vulnerable enough to put my work out there (it was music in my case). -P
in what ways do you try not to be boring
Andy Warhol was a narcissist. John Lennon too.
Thank you! I'm very grateful for this.
Dr Frank is such a beacon of hope for people like me trying to accept a better viewpoint of the world 🌎 🙏
This video (and the rest of the series) added a great deal of colour to my understanding of the condition, specifically the manner in which it exerts such power over those afflicted by it. It has pained me to experience its destructive effects in a couple of personal relationships, amplified by the feeling of powerlessness and lack of agency owing to having so little appreciation of the other person's subjective experience. I am not a therapist, but for those of us that have such people in our lives, there are clearly more less effective ways to interact with them that avoids jeopardising our own wellbeing and perhaps guide them towards finding solace. Perhaps. It is important I feel not to conflate a desire to be compassionate towards someone with a desire for them to change for our own benefit. So much of what is written attempts to demonise the condition or defend oneself against it from a neurotypical rationalisation of the manifestations they have experienced. I.e. "this person is toxic/evil". I've found such writings to be initially helpful in ridding myself of self-doubt and blame for what has happened, but ultimately counter-productive to healing through acceptance. Dr Yeoman's nuanced explanations of the WHY have been very helpful in more solidly grounding and integrating several traumatic experiences. He is a fantastic communicator of a subject he has deep insight into. But I am not someone who would most benefit from his practise. That to me remains the biggest hurdle: There are none so blind as those that will not see.
thank you very much for all this Psychological illumination on areas that are difficult to look at due to the alienation into which we have fallen
This is amazing, and I do not know why this video has so few views. Please share this with your loved ones you know. The concept of figuring things out on your own. Is important. It is okay to fail and succeed.
To reiterate what another commentator said….truly brilliant. ✨👏
been devouring everything NPD on the internet for more than 2years now.. I thought - I know it all ... But, this content; actually made me realize for the first time what is meant by the word 'Professional Help' means in all Psy-logies & Psy-atryies..
He seems like such a lovely therapist. I love listening to him.
Wonderful video, thank you so much 🌟 And love reading the comments on it 💛
I really like where your discussions are going. On a first watch I wished Dr Yeomans, who is a fabulous communicator (as is the host), had addressed some of the attributes of a cult, as asked in the question, however I think he answers the question really well! Thanks for making these videos!
Duly noted regarding cults.
@@BorderlinerNotes On second watch the question is answered. Thank you so much for making these videos. I think this is actually very helpful for not focussing on the C-word. Thank you for addressing this topic. I was biased on first watch but I think you know what you're doing by not focussing too much on it. This will actually be very helpful to any victims as they can compare it against something that is not related to the C-word.
This family tendency is passed down gen after gen. IMO is an example of what mystics call a Generational Curse. Survivor scapegoats need self-building and reflection as well in order to discontinue the carry down affect.
These videos are really helping me to understand and analyze my mother and my childhood as she was extremely delusional and narcissistic may have also had munchaeusens biproxy or maybe that was just part of her delusions. It’s difficult not knowing how much she is even aware of the damage she caused because she lives in a completely different reality in which it is impossible for her to ever be wrong or at fault, and that every problem in her life stems from other people. She lies constantly about things that don’t even stand to benefit her, so is she really lying or just totally out of touch with reality? It’s hard to say because she was reasonably intelligent. I’ve cut off all contact completely and have made peace with it after I almost killed myself at 17. I’m in such an incredibly better place in my life because of my own hard work and healing and therapy and self reflection. It’s difficult to confront the possibility that she might not ever realize how wrong and damaging she was to me because she is incapable of viewing reality as it is or having any real love or empathy for anyone but herself. She was always a loudly self proclaimed selfless hard working loving doting parent, but I never felt loved and I was constantly on my own and being attacked by her, sometimes for things I’d never done or small benign things that she would blow up out of proportion and exaggerate bc they were misperceived threats. Realizing the extent of and better understanding her mental illness helps validate my struggles as well because I was gaslighted for years into believing this was normal and that our issues were my fault. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive her for the severe lasting physical and psychological damage she has done to me but I don’t have to. I can be at peace with myself and who I am and the validity of my journey and my choice to never see her again, it’s a struggle to not hold resentment but eventually I can let go of resentment but still not forgive in the sense that I will never dismiss her behavior or exonerate her of responsibility or wrongdoing. It never was and will never be okay, nor forgiven nor forgotten, but I will move on from it and the past will one day no longer effect me. That’s the goal
Could I speak with you privately please ?
In my experience I've had great success for giving, forgetting, and moving forward positively the sooner the better. Life is too short and wonderful to depress myself with the past I cannot change.
this is a great channel. i want to explore more about personally disorders so i am able to better recognize & understand when i am interacting with someone who has traits that match, so i can interact with them more effectively.
This is probably the most insightful lesson I've heard about narcissism thus far.
It was mind-blowing being dragged into a counselor's office because Mom insisted I had a problem and needed therapy. After all, I was a chronically physically ill teen, so, how was I to know? Is it any surprise that, after a few weeks, the counselor suggested Mom seek therapy and just give me space? As an adult I finally realized Mom was projecting onto me the hatred she harbored for herself for who she was, as well as for all the physical and emotional abuse she doled out from my earliest days. It seems even the physical illness that plagued me had its origins in her abuse.
She never changed, just kept projecting and seeking supply to her very last moments.
Thank you so much ❤
Excellent video ❤️
This is brilliant ❤
As someone who is in recovery from the effects of being in a long term intimate relationship with a woman who displays bpd traits, l am incredibly grateful for these discussions 🙏
Bpd baddies will do that
The Fair-Tale, the family narrative includes a "trust me" to sugar coats insecurities.
I am falling in love with Frank. He is so wise and special.
Oh my God this is what happened to me. I had no idea what to believe after I left the church and detached from my family. I still struggle with my individual frame of mind but I find myself battling basic beliefs and defending myself because this new self is not always accepted especially by those who are still subscribing to a system that I no longer subscribe to. “Pre-fabricated answers from an external source,” is a great way to look at it.
“We are the arbitrator of right and wrong and in order to have any self-respect you can’t acknowledge any right or wrong.” This is my family now and how I’ve been treated and treated others.
Again a great video.
At the end of this year the release of the new TFP manual for pathological narcissism is scheduled. As a therapist I’m really looking forward to that.
Thanks for your presence here, and for the comment. Very happy to hear you're into TFP current events.. I have to say I wish there were more therapists like yourself! -P
I hope more therapists are humble enough to learn tfp
Thank you!
Again very interesting in terms of evaluating people. I totally struggle with this and tend to think in binary terms (good...bad).
It's complicated because when you see someone that you feel has presented as virtuous, and then they do something that deviates from that, you then see them as a fraud...but maybe you should be seeing them as simply not perfect .
Great video.
This is such valuable information for everyone. Should be shared❤
Thank you
Love this channel
wow, great insight!
I
was brought up in a Jehovah’s Witness family. They broke out at when I was 12. Dad was probably vulnerable narcicistic traits. Mum was alcohol dependent. I am BPD with flip flop grandiose / vulnerable traits. Ever leaning more towards vulnerable. Now I can be vulnerable, imperfect and more comfortable with it. I like the book ‘the gifts of imperfection’ Rene …
Amazing video.
Thanks. 👍
Wow, insightful. Thank you.
Thank you! 🙂
Some of what Dr. Yoemans describes -- such as the rigidity (eg, in living out the "ideal fiction" and "subscribing to a system that tells you 'what is'") and being the "moral compass of the world" -- sounds like what can be seen in OCPD. I wonder, what are the similarities/differences in the psychological structure between narcissism and OCPD?
Incredibly valuable. Thank you doctor.
Very insightful.
Narcissism protects itself. Never heard of narcs getting better. Thought it was untreatable.
it isn't treatable. it's baked in. they can become self aware and try to recognize their patterns, but that thought process and cycle of thinking is always there. however my covert narcissist alcoholic abuser was the least self aware person I've ever met in my life.
@@-elijahriggs-wrong. We have a creator. Everything is possible for hin its evil to think it is not treatable. I am mean who the hell are you to saying that? That its elf is narcissistic!
My mother is like a cult leader who has been living the fiction that she is always right. ALL I DID was tell her that she hurt me and this time, for the first time, I have stood behind my interpretation and not backed down like I usually do. I'm in therapy but she would never go, in fact when I tried to ask her some questions recently she responded ''get help''. Well, I've been mobbed by the cabal (family), including now aunts. So father, brother and at least two aunts all buying in to the smear campaign. How can it ever be resolved now when she doesn't care that she hurt me, isn't sorry, has drafted in troops to mob me. Is this the point where you jus give up? It's so hard. I want them to have an an epiphany but there is no evidence that that will ever happen.
Hello
Continuing with therapy is going to help you. Having therapy sessions that are long enough for you to drill down to the issues / experiences affecting you and finding better coping mechanisms and peace with the past is key.
There'll never be an epiphany. Your family, like a lot of families, has shown their true colors.
Been there, done that. SAd but true the " family " can be not worth knowing. Split and get used to it.
That is the standard narc play. Yes, you cut off contact.
🎯1000% spot on
I just had this discussion with my Psychiatrist today. Its so jarring and exactly how Dr.Yeoman describes. It always seems so right and normal to throw the baby out with the bathwater because everyone else seems to chirp the same generalizations and understandings. I am so confused ,sad and angry all I can do is cry. If anything, it would be really nice to know at what point it would be practical to see a flaw as a means of indicating that person is not safe if we're supposed to be accepting of everything and everyone regardless of how abusive and destructive they are.
No, honey. We're truly not supposed to continually be loving & supportive of someone being terrible to us. He is a therapist, being paid, & with education & responsibility. You have every right to get out of a bad situation, which is what we regular folks do when faced with a narcissist. We get ourselves out of the bad situation.
Trust your very own gut & on how you expect to be treated.
Good advice for a psychotherapist to practice, but not a vulnerable victim trying to live their best life. What happens to you matters, the destructive person should not be allowed to go on with no consequences.
You're not supposed to be accepting of everything. If a situation makes you uncomfortable and looks too difficult to change, then leave.