What happens when your estranged parent dies?
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- čas přidán 19. 11. 2022
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Much love, Chess xxx
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This is a personal account of my experiences. I am not diagnosing anybody in my family as narcissistic. If you are in danger of physical abuse & harm, from others or yourself, please contact your local emergency services immediately.
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DISCLAIMER: The information contained within the CZcams channel 'The Scapegoat Club' is not a substitute for professional advice such as a doctor, psychologist, psychiatrist, or other therapist. The information provided by the CZcams channel 'The Scapegoat Club' does not constitute legal or professional advice nor is it intended to be. Only a trained medical professional can diagnose psychological or medical conditions.
I heard someone say recently "Your child has had to come to terms with the fact that they might have to live with the pain of you dying before they ever reconcile with you, and they’ve accepted that as less painful than living with you as you are now.” It's really resonated with me. I've been estranged from my father for a number of years, and made the choice to become fully estranged from my mother recently after years of boomerang estrangement. I had to realize that I've been grieving for almost my entire life and give myself space to fully grieve the relationship I've never been able to have with them after a lifetime of pleading to be heard and seen and loved.
❤ I relate
Thank you for sharing that comment. It really speaks to the heart of it. I appreciate you taking the time to share it here. Wishing you well.
@@thescapegoatclub - Thank you for your content.
My parents and brother died estranged. I think the greatest grief was in going No Contact. Death just finalized everything, nail in the coffin of hope…but also a sense of deep relief and peace.
No contact is a very difficult process. I agree a lot of grieving is done then. Thanks for sharing your experience. It helps
That's my hope: feeling relief.
My oldest brother and mother died estranged, she so wanted to see him before her death. How do you feel about your brother? I find myself feeling anger and estranged now with my brother.
My father died a month ago and we’ve been estranged. I did the decent thing and reached out to my step-mother offering help. She shut me down fast (through my brother) and made it clear I would not see him before he died. I was doing what I thought I was “supposed” to do-offer help, put aside everything because this was now death for my father. I was very mad at first because I assumed my step-mother would put the past behind us. They’ve never treated me as anything but crap so why would I expect different in this situation? A month has gone by now and I’m relieved. I was sad at first for a couple days thinking of the good times we had (few and far between). It’s a relief knowing he can’t hurt me anymore. I stand just a little bit taller in this world.
@@FMT2003 Love your last statement : I stand just a little bit taller in this world
I was no contact with my dad for 20 years. My little brother went to live with him and "take care" of him. Got parentified. Brother turned in to an alcoholic. Dad died. My bro and covert narc mom did not tell me about the funeral. Did not tell me where or when. Dad got cremated. Brother took all dad's money and 4 bedroom house. Brother took dad's ashes and keeps them on a shelf in the house. My brother lives alone in the 4 bedroom house. He's too neurotic to work. Just spends dad's money and drinks himself to sleep every night alone in the house and has had 2 MRIs where he almost died from drinking. He's the golden child. True story. There ya go.
Oh gosh. That’s heartbreaking on so many levels. The toxicity lives on if it’s able to, doesn’t it?.... Thank you for sharing. I really appreciate your honesty. Glad you’re out of the mix. 💜
Tom Huck-
You focused on not getting any money from the dad you had no contact with for 20 years.
Did you expect things to go differently like being told about his death and be remembered by him in his will?
Your brother did for your father what you did not. Sounds to me like he and your father understood each other so he was rewarded in the end by his father. You did what you thought was better for yourself and you were not bothered with info about the end of the man's life.
So now go your way and be happy for your brother and his decisions about his life and be happy for yourself and your decisions you made about your life.
@@oolalamme2698 ❤
So sad. May you find peace and healing.
Wish I knew more about your story. I guess it makes sense that he gets everything if he stayed in their life. Unfortunately that shouldn't be a surprised. So sorry you were not told but again I don't know why you didn't talk to him while he was alive. I understand why they would be upset
I was estranged from my father off and on for years. But when he got ill and on his death bed,I knew I had to give our relationship one more chance. So glad i made that decision because through out the years we just bypassed so many things that could have totally changed our relationship. He was under hospice care. It gave us time to sort things out. To this day, it has given me a chance to live a healthier life. My father refused to take any medication for pain on his death bed because he wanted me to get all the answers i needed. This is no lie, i fell in with love with my father on his death bed. So many things we held inside, and so much anger i held against him proved to be not so important at that moment. I held his hand as we prayed together. The memories i have about my father to this day is that im still in love with my father. The forgiveness was more for me than my father. My decision to take this last minute effort was the right one for me
Thank you so much for sharing your story. 💚💚
FINALLY....ONE PERSON THAT MAKES SENSE IN THIS CHANNEL.... YOUR COMMENT WAS THE ONLY ONE I RED SO FAR THAT SPEAKS OF THE RIGHT WAY TO DO THINGS...EVERYBODY ELSE SEEMS IN A SELF PITY PARTY...mostly because I don't know the details of their broken connections with the family members...
but honestly..all these beefs seem so unimportant when you really get to know your parents...I mean NORMAL PARENTS DO NOT hurt our children on purpose...we are human begins and faulty and have fears and dreams and carry baggage like everybody else...but I am amazed as to how easy the new gens let go of people as the slightest of they feeling hurt. They just can cope with anything hard in their way, nothing.
If you can forgive, (barring physical abuse) maybe it can be healing on some level.
Her comment and experience is such a blessing. Please consider that each persons situation is unique and in this situation... it is rare that a parent with extreme narcissistic traits would do this. Yes...even on their death bed. It is possible and I pray for all to continue to pray in faith. We all need to have a deep forgiveness for anyone who has ever hurt us, especially our parents; however, it can be very dangerous for some to even get an inch closer to them after no contact if they are truly dealing with evil. @@OrionEstrella
@@OrionEstrella There are plenty of us old people who estranged. The kids are all on social media, which is why this issue is getting talked about. I wish I could say I grieved when my mother died. I didn't. And I don't miss her.
I am estranged to my family of narcissistic abusers. I am the autistic scapegoat. I was diagnosed at 5 years old but my mother hid it from me and put me in the care system (and did not tell them). If I cried (even as a toddler) my mother would violently slap me and beat me. She told everybody that my autistic meltdowns (due to abuse) were demon possession when I was a child and I was going to burn for ever more in hell. When I was an adult, she told everybody that I was crazy and would try to section me regularly under the mental health act. They would break or steal all of my possessions and sabotage my relationships (even with my grown up kids). I have had to go no contact after a life of abuse and relationship sabotage. I found out I was autistic (at 50) when a doctor went back and checked my records. I had been lied to all of my life. When my mother and/or siblings go, I will not shed any tear. Due to my upbringing, I have c-ptsd, ADHD, type 2 diabetes, IBS and autism. Letting go of them is the most important thing I ever did.
I’m so sorry you had to deal with all of that in your life! Knowing I’ve been through a similar situation with both my parents, I’m currently going through therapy to work through a process on separating from them. Unfortunately I’m the type of person who would still love them, even knowing all of the abuse they inflicted upon me. I can love from afar, but I’m just not going to do it living in the same house with them. I was even irrationally angry before therapy, and when I finally told her everything that happened to me, and I’ve never told anyone else (not close to extended family member and no friends) I just broke down. But it was needed, now I just feel more focused on myself and my goal to leave.
wow. you did not deserve that on any level, that's for sure.
Maby you are completely healthy and the pharma system wants to steal all your money.
There is no easy way out. To stay and be abused destroys your soul. You mourn them when you leave. You mourn again when they die. Bottom line is you must save yourself. We all have the right to feel safe, loved, heard. That will not happen in a dysfunctional family. Pave your own way. Keep moving forward. Don’t look back.
I have the right to feel safe. Exactly.
morning what they should have been as parents....not them ( For me)
Those of us watching this video get it. There is no joy in being estranged, and as the kids we do everything in our power to come up with another answer. In my case, my family betrayed me when I was at my most vulnerable and I had to stay away because they were harming me when I was involved in a brutal divorce from a diagnosed sociopath (aspd/npd). My mother died after twenty years of estrangement and it was difficult mostly because I knew I'd be misunderstood. Yes, the mourning has gone on since the estrangement began (and before). This isn't the way any of us wanted it to be.
thank you for the supportive comment. I hope you are doing ok. As you say, it's an awful situation that none of us want. 💟
When my mother was dying, I sat on her bed and held her hand as she was unable not to, and as she would always otherwise resist/refuse. I looked into her eyes and said "I love you mummy".... she replied with "Mmm yes", so I said it again and with much love and conviction, "Mummy , I love you". And she finally said to me "I love you too Sophie". It was the first time that she had ever said it to me, but still I had to work so hard and show such need and sincerity in order for her to be able to reciprocate. This is now a small compensation that I carry with me for all the narcissistic abuse I endured.
I know how that felt. As a child I remember the shame I felt when she would push me away. I got more love from my stuffed bear than I ever did from her. I have moved from anger towards her to pity. She truly was the Mother of all Lies. She hated herself more than she ever loved me. In my heart I know that she hated me. My loving brother had the animas to tell me to my face that he always wanted a brother just not me. That was the last thing he ever said to me, he died of lung cancer 4 months later. That was extremely hateful thing to say but karma kicked in and took away the breath from his body as he choked gasping for one breath as he died.
I don’t feel guilt or remorse for his dying nor do I care. It is cathartic to unburden myself like this. Thank you for reading my story.
Better get busy living or get busy dying. I’m just getting warmed up, I’ve got a lot of catching up to do and a lot of promises to keep.
Peace out ✌️😎
P.S. Take your compensations where you can and be thankful. It may not be much but it’s there. Sometimes the smallest diamond can be the most precious and other times it’s just a piece of coal. It’s what you make of it that counts.
That's what should've been done in her living years.i guess her money motivated u to finally say and accept sorry and move past the grudge.Greed is often the reason behind the estrangement
@@adamosadca5240thank you for sharing. I am happy to feel your confidence and anticipation for something great!
My heart breaks at your final attempt. It's a heartwrenching situation but so glad you could allow her to say those words with all your heartfelt effort.
Thanks for making this video and putting it out there. I held onto the hope that one day they will take care of me after my younger siblings grew up. Such a wrong notion to hold onto...I have now learnt after a LOT of waiting that it will never happen. I too dread the time when they will not be around...as my whole lifetime this far to carry so much baggage...wonder if I will be able to let go of some of the baggage once they are not around
To have a child and not see them as a parent is like dying inside.
😢. I get it. 😢
You’re absolutely right 😢
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I hope you can find a way forwards to reduce your pain that is in your control.
@@thescapegoatclub thank you so much for your understanding. Its very hard, you go on, but a piece of my soul stays in depression.
Yah? To have parents who sabotage you from the cradle is just like dying.
I've been in grief since i was a very young child. Death is just a formality on a certificate. Though we might sometimes feel that the greatest injustice of all is to be written out of their Will, after we've suffered so much, spent most of our lives trying to heal ourselves that we didn't prioritise our careers and making money, it's best to not even think about that. The vultures circling them have been following the money all along, and would have secured their share and ours a long time ago. Hugs and love to you and everyone here.
I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Although sad, it’s comforting to know we aren’t alone. ❤️🩹
I am 100 percent estranged from my parents and i will not be going to their funerals i am looking after myself now
As a estranged mother, I want to say I’m so sorry that your parents didn’t see what they were losing when you gave them the chance to have you in their lives , I don’t know what the situation was I can only speak from my experience with my estranged now adult kids , I wish to god I would have made better choices for my kids when they were in my life and I try to hold on to the hope that my kids will see that I have made alot of good changes in my life since they’ve seen me and I hope one day they will want to let me show them I can be the better person that they wish they’d had when they were young 💔
Thank you… and I very much hope that you will be able to reconnect with your kids. 😍
@@thescapegoatclub thank you so much for replying and your kind words and thank you for posting this video it made me feel like I can understand more from their perspective, and again thank you 💔🙏💔
It's probably too little too late
I am an estranged mum. My heart is so broken. I have a good relationship with my other 4 kids.
None of us understand why my oldest son has done this. It happened when he was newly engaged (mind you, I loved his fiancé and was friends with her first - I worked with her, and I introduced them).
I wish he would just communicate with me about his reasons.
I understand there are reasons children cut their parents off (abuse, violence, control etc). I can honestly say I am a good mum. NOT perfect for sure. I’ve tried to apologise for anything and everything to no avail 😢
Hi, I felt your comment in my heart as I would say the same as a mom estranged from my adult children. I hope you and your children will be able to one day unite somehow❤
Both my parents died when we were estranged. It's the worst thing in the world. I held my mother's hand as she died and prayed over here. Her last conscious act was to push my hand away and roll her eyes at me. Tragic. Plus I was disinherited and left nothing. My Narc brother got it all. I don't feel guilty because my conscience is clear. Sending love to all my fellow scapegoats out there ❤❤❤
A clear conscience is priceless, absolutely.
At 15 years old I was told by my step-dad I was worth more than I was being treated by family I got on the back of a horsevan and left for New Orleans thanks Ed I love you for all you saw in me when I saw nothing 63 now estranged from my only son I thought I could protect him from my own family why didn't I see what they were doing to me and him
Don't be so hard on yourself. For the vast majority of us (abuse victims of these narc monsters) we don't see what they are doing until the damage is done.
What they did to me I could live with, but what they did to my daughter is what I find impossible to forgive.
Im glad you wrote a letter. Unfortunately my mom and I ended out conversation with me having to cut her off financially after she tried to kill me. I didn’t need to support her. It was hard to cut her off. But I never wanted her to know I was ever “selfish” like she painted me out to be. I sleep at night knowing I was kind in the end despite enduring what feels like a lifetime of trauma
Wow, Jade, your story is awful. Good for you for looking after yourself and knowing it was the right thing to do. Glad you’re out of it now 💓
My daughter is bipolar and she has broken me completely. I love her and she has removed herself from me for two years. I believe she will be happy when I die. I keep praying that she finds peace and whatever she needs and I know I have done everything I can to be there for her. I am blocked from her and I am so sad.
I am sorry. Mental illness is so hard and takes a huge toll on family members. I wish peace for you too, knowing you did the best you could and she is on her own path.
She broke you? 🤨
She broke you?? A mental illness like bi polar usually has a genetic factor, ie runs in the family. Suppose it is easier to wash your hands of your child, put all the blame on them even though they did not ask to be born.
I think she is dealing with her own issues and only wants for you to be happy. Someday she will be free of her illness.
@@StephieGsrEvolutionthat's what the person said. Who were you to ask questions? Take it at face value. Nobody owes you an answer.
My narc brother died last year January after a long period of no contact... no one attended his sickbed nor his funeral. The grief was awkward, not happy but certainly not sad. Not even his daughters attended the sickbed nor the funeral. It strengthened me in my radical acceptance that he had been a toxic influence in my life being a narcissist.
Thank you for sharing your experience. It sounds complex, but I’m glad you’ve come through it with renewed strength. All the best to you 😊
@@thescapegoatclub thank you so much. I do appreciate it a lot that you respond to every reaction of the viewers. 💐
So who attended the funeral?
@@olilumgbalu5653 as I wrote: no one
My mothers last words to me were,”Will I ever see you again?” I was back from Belize,recently divorced,working two jobs,while living homeless in Houston,Texas. My Mom was in Connecticut. I worked two jobs to send money for my four children who were trapped in Belize. I endured horrible things no one should go through. My father had been a violent alcoholic and my mother submissive and depressed. I didn’t want to go back around them. I am sorry now.
Years too late . Even if I had visited them once a month it would be nurturing to both I and them. I could have not visited when my dad drank. There were bad times but there were also good times. I got tremendous strength and determination and persiverance from them as parents. Nobody is perfect in this world we all come with flaws .
"There were good times". "Nobody is perfect". I applaud your maturity and your selflessness as you thought of them too. There is no love like a mother's. Can't speak for a father.
@@juliadevine328 some of us don’t have loving mothers
Went no contact with both pairs of parents after 22 years and it’s been a hard time. I’ve tried explaining to them, but it’s either ignored or met with resistance. I just graduated from college and am moving cross-country for myself. Especially now when living with BPD and CPTSD, it’s caused me to try to reevaluate a lot of my childhood experiences. You talking about the 1% of hope hit me hard because it’s an awful dichotomy. A lot of my family refuses to fully acknowledge all of the abuse, so it’s not something that I ever thought about. Self-awareness from abusive parents is almost impossible and it really hurts. I’m afraid of being happy when they die because I know I shouldn’t be. Sorry for rambling in your comments, but this helped me not feel so alone. Thank you for putting this into words that I’m not brave enough to say ❤️
Thank you so much for your comment. I'm so sorry you have been through such a difficult time, and now have to live with the consequences. I believe things will get better. I hope with time an distance you will get more clarity. And, I thing perhaps, you may find it is ok to be happy, even after such challenges, and when some people don't want you to be. You are strong and they haven't broken you. Hang in there. 💟
BPD is often a misdiagnosis.. true BPDs are really just narcissists.. and then the misdiagnosed one’s have C-PTSD, not BPD.
The « parent» was only a mask, the narcissist used to get narcissistic supply. The person we feel grief for has never existed. It was just a fiction. What’s important is to grief the parent/caretaker we never had. And the fact that we can give our selves closure. Let go of the toxic hope. I’m not going in my narcissistic mothers funeral when she dies, her life has in a way never existed . She was just a fiction in the same way as going to the theater or seeing a show on tv. That is how i view her now. I’m going to cry and morn her death. And to give myself the selfcare i need. But reality is that she is all ready dead to me. The rest of the family never had contact because she was a toxic addict. My sister has turned into a narcissist also ( we are estranged). You are only responsible for your own health. You are no longer a codependent. You don’t owe the narcissist or the enablers anything
Well said
Very well said. Thank you so much 💗
I had constructed a loving mother in my mind and she had her face. But then she revealed her true self, her gaslighting narcissistic self and all of the trauma that was buried in my nervous system came out. It's like she peeled back her face and the serpent was revealed. I loved her so much , but I loved the illusion I created by burying my trauma. I miss the love I felt and the mum I thought I had ( I dont miss her ) . I know it was all a construct like the Truman Show. The biggest head fxxx I'll ever experience in my life.
@@vivdoolan6846 loving the illusion of a narcissistic parent is the crux of it, I agree. It is just too painful to admit the truth of who they really are. 😢
Great said
I am 8 years no contact with my entire family last month. I can’t believe it’s been 8 years. I am the scapegoat
Welcome, there are many of us here! I hope you're doing ok.
@@thescapegoatclubyes I’m ok thanks. Middle to fair! Not complaining. Nice to find a you tuber on the same island 🏴✊🏴
I'm just happy that i was my mom's caretaker and was with her until the very end. She apologized for the abuse that my dad perpetrated on me, he abused her horribly. I will not acknowledge when my dad passes away and he's already in his 90s. I won't go to the funeral. I am totally done! I have had to grieve the betrayal from him more than once when I made the mistake of letting him back in my life when I shouldn't have. The abuse only got worse. I'm done with thinking about feeling guilty. That train has done left the station. This is been going on my whole life and I'm almost seventy years old. I just pray that I don't have to see him in the afterlife and that he does not see my mother either.
I’m so sorry you’ve had so many years of abuse and sadness. It’s so sad, but such a great reminder that if we go back and get abused again, it would be a mistake to do so again. If people are determined to treat us badly, the consequences are on them. I’m wishing you peace and the ability to live your own truth for your future. Take care 💕💕
Aaaaah yes! That's my concern too! Not their death, but I don't want to meet their souls ever ever ever again!
Wonderful you were able to get an apology.
I'm so sorry VM. What you express about the afterlife wow, that resonates so much. I used to be afraid of going to heaven because the bully would be there to terrorize and harm once again. The more i studied the Word, the more i realized the "wicked" go to another place, where for the first time in their existence they may know what it was on earth to have to live in their decades long reign of their own terror and tyranny. Still i pray they repent at least to God before they go, as i wouldn't wish that place on anyone. Well, in moments of anger i did sometimes cry out for justice. Those of us who were abused may never see it in this life, heaven may be the only place where we are finally free of these creatures. I too made the mistake of letting him back in my life, they wax worse and worse with age, i so deeply regret ever cracking the door. Was no contact over 17 years--only to go back to zero. It's robbed me of peace, joy. Betrayal is their life. Never go back.
Once that parent actually passes away, it doesn't feel anything like you thought it would. If you have anything that went unsaid, you will replay it in your head forever.
If you had anything left unsaid, the conversation that you imagined having with that narcissist parent would have gone NOTHING like you imagined. It most likely would have been very hurtful and hateful. I hope this comment brings you some peace.
@@purpleturtle7477exactly 💯
The things I left unsaid weren't very nice. So I'm actually glad I didn't tell her what I really thought of her.
Anything left unsaid would have been a waste of time, anything I did say was disregarded/ laughed at/ twisted into another version so I had nothing more to say. Job done.
I went no contact in my 20's. I am now 57. I have learned that the narc will never concede to taking responsibility for hurting you. There is no apology or promise to do better. MY mother shall pass without my showing up. I accept it. 37 years has prepared me.
Thank you for sharing 💚
@@thescapegoatclub Best of wishes in your journey. Reach out to friends; grow your personal family, and don't look back. In hindsight I wish I had moved across country before I had children and became linked to the area. Thats the only thing I would change.
You and I both decided to go no contact at the same time. This was before people are talking about it like it they are now like it's an epidemic. At the time I had no cell phone, no internet and no outside influence to go no contact.
I had 28 years of observed behaviors of my mother not wanting me around, ignoring me, neglecting me, making me her house and yard slave as a child. Emotional and financial neglect, no love, no hugs.
Yet every birthday she would send a birthday card signed love mom. But all behaviors did not point to love. They pointed to neglected and indifference. Every birthday it was like she was pouring salt on a wound. A big lie. I had to stop that pain. I got a post office box for a few years and cancelled it after a few years and it worked. And yes I am the scapegoat of the family.
Thank you for your reply. Have peace and reward in your journey. @@seahorse251
My narc father passed away a few months ago, without me showing up. It's a relief after they are gone. You can finally put it all behind you and move on.
My vulnerable narcissistic mother died about a year ago after being estranged from her since I was an 18. I'm 62 now. I always thought the only way I could be free was when she died. When I found out she had died it was a strange mix of emotions including relief, anger again for being abandoned one last time and grief. It took me time to sort out all of the feelings. I feel more at peace now and have closed the chapter of holding onto any hope.
Thank you so much for commenting. I think the complex emotions you talk about sound so natural. I’m glad you are finally able to move on and let some peace in. 💗
Thank you@@thescapegoatclub
My two daughters are estranged from me. They will NOT be included in my will. I have left instructions that I don’t even want them at my funeral. My mother (who was a fantastic mom) became estranged from me after dad died. I don’t want her at me funeral either. She came to my husband’s funeral a year before dad died, and all she did was bitch that my sister wasn’t able to make it 😮 If someone cannot be in your life; if they can’t try to resolve things like mature adults; then they have no rights to be allowed at your funeral (or vice versa).
You can't resolve someone else's bad behavior.
This is something I have been grappling with as I have not seen my mother for the past 3 1/2 years and have had no contact through any means for the past 1 1/2 years. She is 83. The last confrontation I had with my narcissist brother, he screamed at me...'you probably won't even come to my funeral' my, my, my......always about them but zero concern about the extreme trauma both of them caused me over these past years. I have gone back and forth in my mind about this, and what I have currently settled on is that I will not attend any of my family/extended family funerals. It has taken me all of this time to come to my current state of tenuous health, and that needs to be my focus and concern now. My mother has already removed me from her Trust as far as I know (that was her first threat to me in this process). It has been the hardest thing to go through to face that those who I should have been able to trust the most in this life have chosen to betray me. It is an unimaginable pain. It is horribly destabolizing. I didn't think I would make it at times. But here I am.
I'm with you, I gave it everything I had, left no stone unturned . I have absolutely no regrets because I know I tried every single thing and they chose to erase me. There's real comfort in knowing I did everything and I think the deepest mourning has already happened. I am honestly frightened about the complex grief .... I feel it all so much I thought I wasnt going to make it so God knows how I'll cope when one or other dies.
You sound like a true survivor to me. Having gone through so much shows you can get through whatever else you have to. And I truly believe that the stronger we are, the better we can handle what comes our way. I think dealing with the inevitable as our best selves has to be the smartest move. If we’re under their control and messed up emotionally, there is only going to be one outcome. This way maybe we have a chance? I hope so. And I’m with you ❤️
@@dessiecoder2116Children do not have Adult Agency. There is no way to “make amends” with monsters. Accept your’s are gone: We all know why-and so do you despite your transparent reflexive defense mechanisms.
I think it’s hard for family members to see that they’re not the only ones impacted. I can’t trust my boundaries won’t be crossed. They’re not bad people, but they’ve made me lose my trust in them. I’ve been going on for 4 years and can relate a lot to what you’ve said. I agree, right now the healthiest version of me is to be estranged. I am also uncertain of the future as my family ages. They want me back in their lives but I just don’t feel like I can give them what they want without sacrificing my own well-being. Thanks for the video. This topic was on my mind today.
I'm glad it helped a bit. It is a no-win situation, I think we just have to choose the least awful way. Wishing you all the best.
Then don’t. If you need permission to remain safe, here it is from an old widow broad.
I say it’s best to stay away now before they need care in their older age. The abuse doesn’t stop in fact it only gets worse over time and you become locked into being their slave whilst they are on their deathbed (sometimes for decades as they seem to hang on for dear life making everyone around them miserable especially the scapegoated main carer) 😻
“I can’t trust my boundaries won’t be crossed.” Felt this.
this is terrible advice...mark should get some professional counselling- You can heal your relationships with family if both of you are willing to do the work and set boundaries that are new and healthy- Family ties are the most significant in our learning process and many, not all are worth the effort of healing, there is an inner peace that comes with healing and people who take responsibility for their contribution of how things became toxic or unbearable can give us a new perspective on how we all make mistakes- all the best to Mark and I hope you get good professional advice before you have any more regrets.@@thescapegoatclub
Thankyou, my 2nd year no contact. Your videos make me feel sane & validated. It's funny how so many of the/their scripts I've heard are so similar ie - "you destroyed the family". Apparently I'm going to "roux the day I tried to split this family up" said very recently to my closest friend by my Narc Stepfather. So it's still going on and I'm not even there... I'm 43 yo with an 8yo son, they have never even tried or asked to see my son. But frequently tell others how they're not allowed to see him. I definitely keep him away, as my Stepfather was doing the same to him he used to to me, and would also run me down to my son when he was 4-6 years old, when my son wouldn't have it or agree, he'd berate him and curse terribly, that's when I was around to hear it, don't want to imagine what was said when I wasn't.
It definitely sounds like you are getting told the same propaganda that I am. And it’s amazing how the ‘facts’ change to support their victim stories, isn’t it? I’m glad to hear you are out of it. I hope you’re doing ok 💜💜
@@thescapegoatclub thank you, I did go through a horrible process while grieving and realising what I'd actually been living through. Did eventually come to a place of complete peace with them all gone. I'm absolutely thriving, I'd just left a dv situation too before having to go no contact phase... of course they all made friends with him, and "he's a lucky man to get rid of me" 🙄
@@amitypurple oh god, I am so glad you're out of all of that. thriving makes me so happy to hear. I think in some perverse way having been through such difficult times can allow us to really enjoy life when we're free 💖
Jess, it’s wonderful that you have that 1% of hope. Illogical? Yes- but still wonderful.
In the face of so much pain, you have not become bitter, hardened or despairing.
That’s just wonderful. Nobody showed you how to be like that- it’s just in you.
I love that.
My mother who was the main, obvious narc died 4 years ago and I'm still recovering after all the c... before and after her death. I was in fact nc with her for nearly 2 years before she died, withdrawed in the last minute, cause I was just about to collapse and would no be able to rescue myself. People around m were telling me that I would be sorry, that I would miss her after she dies no matter what, that it would "come after me"...but it didn't. I knew it, I felt it and I was right....there was no missing, no grief,no sorrow for not seing her - nothing of a kind. I cried once or twice when I found some old documents about my birth and some doctors stuff and I was brought back in time. I cried knowing that I never had parents, not just no mother, also no father. But there was a huge relief after her death and then after some time memories start to bubble, and I'm still dealing with it, but it is just hate, anger and disgust for her. I'm affraid that people who have not lived it, will never ever truely understand. They will never get why we have to go NC, how painful and abusive they realy are, howmuch they affect our health, even if we don't expect nothing from our parents, they are stll leathal. I've kind of lost hope that people will get it. I'm from Eastern Europe and I've followed some discussions about it here in my country - about NC, about childhood wounds etc. and many people commenting were saying same old mantra_ you have to forgive, you have to let go, they suffered, too, or it was alchocol that made them behave badly. Maybe some of the commentators are narcs, too and that have children that went NC....who knows....but mostly people think it is overreaction, unfortunatelly. And also lots of people that were victims themselves are not willing to save themselves and take their parents c....I suppose the truth is rather grim and horrible and they don't want to see it no matter the cost.
Thank you so much for sharing your sad story. I feel I can relate so much.... and you are so right. So many people either don’t understand, or have difficult relationships with their kids too and are scared or want to shame us so they don’t have to face their ugly truths.
I really hope you can heal and move on. I know the journey is long, but it sounds like you are on the right path. Grieving what could have been, not what was. It’s hard to let go, that’s for sure. Take care 💕💕
@@thescapegoatclub Thank you so much!... Yes, unfortunately....itis still a huge taboo and a lot of people think you should just take it, not even talk about it and most certainly not go NC or talk "badly" about your parents. But we know how bad it is, what all we have done to make things better. Wish you all the best on this long voyage, too!:..🙂👋🏵
@@lejci38 😁😍
The only people who will ever truly understand are the people who experienced it too. I fully understand everything you are saying , it's also extremely difficult to get people to understand because the abuse is so insidious . Match that with the taboo and as if we weren't isolated enough by having to estrange for our sanity, the lack of understanding and taboo nature of the estrangement magnifies the isolation x 1000
@@vivdoolan6846 so true. That’s the main reason for this channel. I think having the support of others who understand, even if it is virtual, is so healing. Knowing we aren’t alone is empowering when all of our power has been taken away. Thank you for being here 💕
My narc mother died today. Truthfully while I do feel relief, part of me does grieve what could have been. She had her moments where she was ok but those moments were few and far in between. She never attended my therapy sessions and I had to learn to be independent without her from a young age. Sure the rest of my relatives are calling me all sorts of names for cutting her off before she died (she passed from lung cancer), but I was and still am at peace for my decision to stand up for myself. I tried for years to have a good relationship with her but she mentally abused me and let my stepdad do it too. I was the family scapegoat but now I’m really free at last.
Stay strong
I personally feel that when you go "no contact" you need to accept that you may never, ever see or contact the parent and their supporters again. To my mind, this also means you must accept that you are also voluntarily disavowing yourself of any potential inheritance. I really don't care to see any of them ever again. It's been nearly 25 years now for me. My half sister has approached me several times now, and I have simply kept walking. I realize that I will die alone, but then, we all do in the end. I tried going "low contact" first, btw, but I peronally suspect that low contact rarely works. When my parent dies, I can tell you that I wil essentially be indifferent.
Thank you for sharing your perspective. It sounds like you have had plenty of time to adjust to the space you have from them. Glad you are doing well, away from them. 🙂
Great
Low contact worked with me for a while. It was that way for a long time. It really depends on what happens, and how insidious the abuse is. Eventually, I had to cut ties. I did get an equal share of the inheritance, though. I was shocked when I received the check and very grateful. I'm sure my siblings don't think that I deserved a dime, but they had many advantages that I did not have. I don't grieve my father's death, but I do think of him often. I keep him in my prayers.
@@chocolate-eq6jn thank you for sharing. It sounds like you are at peace with your situation, which is the best we can do. ❤🩹
@@chocolate-eq6jn Most likely the narcissist want your siblings to think this way. Even from the grave the narcissist has control over their emotions and thoughts. The enablers/flying monkeys`s/servant`s/ psycofants of the narcissist live in the fantasy world of the narcissist.
For most low contact works as long as the narcissist has other sources of supply. When these sources dry out they start to hoover, with the use of lies, gaslighting, and the " i have changed scam" or the " i`m going to change scam", a " trojan horse gift" or some other ploy made to brainwash the victim and get the victim back to the "slave plantation" to be harvested
Blows me away that parents, the ones that bring you into this world, can be so callous and hard hearted toward their own children. Pathetic..
I’m so pleased this popped up! My husband’s father just passed and the dad divorced his kids along with their mum. We did see him in hospital before he passed and my husband said what he needed to and forgave his father. By that time, machines were keeping him breathing, no brain activity at all. My husband feels a sense of peace he never had before. It’s gut wrenching to have a parent chose to leave you and live a whole new life with a new family.
Thank you for commenting. I'm sorry for your situation and am glad your husband has some peace now. Wishing you all well
I wholeheartedly understand. You estranged yourself from your parents for your own survival. Don't apologise for it as that's your first responsibility.
Take care and be well.
I appreciate your comment so much, I can feel the support. Thank you
I asked my mother to move out of my home 2 years ago. She was draining me financially, emotionally, and putting a strain on my relationship with my daughter. Like everyone else, I could write a book on her unwillingness to care for herself. House foreclosures, car repossessions, she bled my grandmother, stepfather, and extended family dry. I was her only child. When I got her set up in an apartment, I still sent her money through my daughter who took her places. My mom would not come over for holidays, or speak to me. My daughter took her flowers and cake for her birthday, and her landlord came out and told my daughter that my mother had died. They had been trying to call us. Until the end there was no life insurance, no money. I paid to have her buried. It was a relief to get her out of my house, but I feel guilty that she died alone. I don’t know if anyone else is experiencing the guilt now that the end has come.
Hi Kelley, I’m so sorry to hear your story. From what you said, you did so much to support your mother. You let her live with you for a long time, and supported her financially and emotionally at the expense of your daughter and your own needs. That is a lot. Ultimately, as you say, adults have a responsibility to look after themselves to the maximum amount possible. Your mother chose not to speak to you, or come and visit. That was her choice, not yours. So if she died alone, rejecting your company, then that was her decision. I know it’s really hard when our parents expect us to support them emotionally, and that’s because they have trained us to think that way. I hope you can take some time to process such a difficult situation, and hopefully find a therapist who can help you work through the complexity of it all. Take care 💕💕💕
It was never your responsibility to financially support her, and I hope you're able to learn to let go of the guilt. It wasn't your burden to carry.
Your highly narcissistic (emotionally stunted) mother punished you for not allowing her to be completely irresponsible, entitled and abusive. And you have the patience of a saint btw. Narcs will never accept responsibility or accountability for anything. They think they are "god" and can do what they want and are there to be served and waited on by everyone around them. Just like their father Cain in the Bible.
You went above and beyond! Don't allow her to continue to drain you. I hope your daughter realizes how wonderful you are.
I'm so sorry you had to go through this. It is not your fault dear one. You did all you could. Its not your fault. I pray you and your daughter go on to have much happiness and that you find peace.
I been estranged from my children for 17-years. When I had leukemia I didn't get a "get well" greeting from them, or during Covid did they care if I was alive or dead. I recently made out a Will and my kids are not mentioned in it. I leave them nothing. I got no respect from them, so I owe them nothing. All of the talk is kids separating from their parents. I believe it is fair game for a parent to just estrange from their adult children. When I die, I will be cremated without a wake or funeral. So there is no need for the kids to show up and express guilt or feel obligated to make an appearance to keep peace in the family. I frankly wish them well, but I am entitled to living my life and make my own final arrangements that don't involve them.
You didn't abandon your parents. They drove you away. Despite your many warnings, their abuse was relentless and they had no intention of stopping. When your parents die, prepare yourself to be disinherited. That's their plan. They look forward to it... That final knife job into our back. Don't worry that they never loved you because narcs are incapable of love. Celebrate that you never loved them either. They didn't trick you into giving your love to them. You only loved who they were pretending to be when they were in their "Make-Believe *_'we're acting kind now'"_* schtick that they would use to discombobulated & gaslight you with every now and then just to keep you off balance and make you question your own reality.
You only love to they were pretending to be. That was never the real them.
I speak from experience.
Like in your situation, both of my parents were narcs. They both died within one year of each other. Yay. In both situations, none of my three siblings/golden children brothers told me of the deaths of either of those parents. In both cases, I found out by chance.
End of the story is I'm disinherited like most of We scapegoats are.
That makes sense cuz they never helped me while they were alive so, why would they after they die? They used the idea of the WILL to try one last jab in the back.
Not caring disarms that intent so, do yourself a favor and expect the worst from your abusers &, when they die, do yourself a favor and maybe do what I did when both of them are finally off the planet & crank the song MEXICAN TAXI by Herb Alpert, pop a bottle of champagne and celebrate*_ding dong the witch is dead_*
🥂 Cheers ❗
Hi Denise, I’m sorry to hear you had such a terrible experience with you family. Hope you’re ok now! ❤️
Thank you for this, I needed to hear this.
Tijuana Taxi by Herb Alpert 😁
I understand what you are going thru. The same question has been on my mind. Seven years ago, I went no contact because of constant mental abuse for 50 years. My husband who I married in my forties is my rock and sees the abuse that I have endured although he doesn’t understand it. I did go to my stepfathers funeral two years ago. He was a loving man they abused also. My one regret was not being there for him and talking him out of not leaving my mother 30 years ago because I was scared I would lose him. The funeral was hell. I remained calm and even tried to comfort my mom, who I quickly realized that she wasn’t mourning. Oddly, I still desire love from my mom and birth father that I will never get. So I made the decision to not go to either funeral. Not because I don’t care or don’t love them but because I would rather mourn in peace rather than chaos and hate.
Your story resonates so much with me, and I am so sorry you’ve had to go through so much. I also really appreciate your wisdom around wanting to mourn on your own terms. This makes so much sense to me. Better to do what feels right, safe and healing for you, than have to deal with other’s drama. Wishing you all the best 💗
A wise man said to me: "Hope is just delayed disappointment."
Wow- yeah, I think sometimes it is!
I was a good Mom, not perfect. And Im estranged. I know they won't care when I die. I have been the scapegoat for so long. I think they will feel Ive received my just deserta. Trust me, not just bad parents get canceled.
My narc dad passed away 4 days ago. I have not felt any grief or loss. I went around 3 years with no communication with him. I honestly have never had any good relationship with him ever. I have felt like he has always played mind games with everyone in our family and has always been so abusive and controlling. Even up to his last day he was that way. Right now I am feeling a little guilty that I have no feelings of grief or sadness. I'm just ready to keep moving forward in my life, but I feel like my siblings are feeling differently maybe? I honestly don't know how they feel. But I have moved on with my life without him a long time ago. I think you are doing the right thing by doing what's best for you and your own mental health. I definitely will subscribe to your channel!
You're not the only one. I too felt little.
My parents where abusive all my life. My father cheated on my mother and they made the unconscious decision to use me as they're emotional tampon. I was 5 when hat happen. But i don't blame my father for cheating because i know how hysteric and egocentric my mother is. First they tried to use my younger brother as the scapegoat but i was so disgusted by there behavior that I tried to protect my brother by calling them out on the bad behavior towards him. So in the end they decided to use me as the scapegoat. I was 7 when this happen. The worse thing is that my brother also turned against me and abused the situation to have a beneficial relationship with my parents. He is a real rat and coward. Always lying and manipulation the situation to his favor. I was never believed when something happen. My family never supported me when i was bullied at school do to lack of self confidence. Also because my younger brother urinated on a grave and told everybody it was me. And because we are only 1.5 years apart we looked very similar. (He told me this when we where older) As a adolescence i drugged myself a lot and had depression anxiety. I guess i wanted to escape reality. My parent didn't even realize what i was doing. The abuse became stronger and stronger over the years. Me wanting to adapt and have a good relationship but In the end there was an incident. I had to flee to the roof of the house because of one of many anger attack of my parents because i wanted to eat cereals at 10 pm. I slipped and open my knee on a metal on the roof because i was panicking full of adrenaline escaping to the roof. There was a lot of blood and my parents found it amusing. I hat to threaten them with the police to drive me to the hospital. But my mother only drove me to the railway station and the rest i had to go alone with a open knee bleeding like crazy. The story gets even crazier and more traumatic when after this event my father comes to the room to tell me i have a false sense of ego and I have to much pride and i need to go to a therapist. This was the moment i realized my parents are mentally ill. I moved out as fast as i could. (with 25 years old) In the 2 years i was alone in my apartment i realized why they chose me as the scapegoat. I channeled all my emotion and let them out. It was a crazy time. Thanks to special meditation techniques analyzing my memories also getting rid of the gas lighting. There was so much physical abuse as a child i forgot and this memories where hidden in my subconsciousness. I learned a lot during that time and i strongly advice for everybody how has abusive parents to be alone for some time. I realized most of the whys and hows of my problems. After this 2 years I married with 27 during the pandemic and moved from Switzerland to Mexico. Now i have a supportive family witch is over 200 members i see regularly. (I grew up speaking Spanish and German) They all know my family situation and don't judge me. Im very open and speak what i think when it comes to my past. I love Mexico and there people. My wife is very supportive and she was the one how helped me in my worst years of my life. We talked a lot on the phone and she was the girl i told everything since Im 13 years old. She came to visit me and we fell in love and married. She was the one how told me to speak to God for guidance. And it really works. I stooped taking any drugs since then and now we have our own business witch is doing very well. My life went from horrible to supper amazing by just taking the decision to go no contact with this crazy maniacs. The rest of my family lives in Spain and they are all feminists. When i asked them for help and wanted to reconcile with my family in the 2 year period alone, everybody just ignored me and instead ended up sending pictures of a demonstration of feminism they went on the weekend. I called them out for support and begged them to not ignore me but instead they all just laughed at me. I also broke up contact with them completely. My family is so messed up and my 3 female cousins living in Spain are all alone and desperate to be in a relationship. They are really struggling to find a partner because they are very toxic. I am 30 now and i am the only one of the younger in my family how is married ore wants to have children. I will not let my family ruin my life with there sickening role they gave me or there self sabotaging believes. Sometimes you just have to draw the line make a decision and be strict to yourself. If my parents will die one day i am not even sure i want to know. I tried a lot to reconcile with them but as always parental self-reflection is absent! Incapable of hearing and tolerating feedback. The parent feels to guilty ore ashamed when the child comes to them and say you cause me harm. Parents with extreme pride because they have a fragile ego. They acct like little children how don't want to take responsibility for there actions. In other words. STUPIDITY. And you can do nothing against stupidity. Stupid people only cause tragedy. I had enough drama and tragedy in my life. I guess i just don't care anymore. I let my anger come out and transformed it in to motivation and drive. To do better, to move forward. There comes one point in life where you have been humiliated enough, where the anger and frustration becomes so big, that you just stop caring, where you become to tired of crying ore all the negative emotions associated to them. I guess if i would receive the message that one of my parent died i would be sad a little maybe cry a little, leave the inheritance to my brother and move one with life.
This was a very thoughtful video and a scenario that a lot of us are thinking about. Thank you for sharing. I just want to note too that I feel you were very graceful in how you handled some of the comments here. Some of these "parents" tell on themselves. Hope you continue to heal and have the beautiful life you always deserved. 🧡
Thank you for your kind comment, and seeing some of the challenges in the comments. 💚
My father and I were estrangement for 26 years with no contact, not on my end. I begged my stepmother to see him when he was ill, but she refused, and said she was honoring his wishes. I asked her to pass on that I loved him and left it.... I did attend the funeral after receiving a phone call the day he passed... Attending the funeral was a very difficult emotional process, but I was very proud of my decision to attend... In one way, it alleviated my anxiety around the estrangement, and I was able to process the loss of the relationship..I would recommend lots of emotional support/ counselling because the pain lessons but the mourning carries on as part of the process....
Thank you for sharing your experience. It sounds so hard…. I think there are no easy answers on this. But yes, doing what was right for you and being proud of yourself- amen! That shows so much strength. 💕
I hear the pain in your voice when speak about your parents. It is so hard to go no contact. 😢.
Thank you. This came up in my feed at a very difficult time. After decades of trying to “fix” my mentally ill mother, I have made the decision to end our relationship. I did my very best. I sought therapy, attended classes on her specific personality disorder, and read books. I tried compassion, empathy, writing letters, being firm, being blind with rage. Nothing worked. I still feel so much guilt and know that if she dies before me, I’ll have very complicated feelings. I think I’ve mourned for years the reality that I will never have the kind of motherly figure I so badly needed.
Good for you. We were inculcated with the idea we had no right to care for ourselves and what ever maltreatment they dished out was “for your own good.”
Bull shyte. Continue to move on and evolve as a human being. Not easy when you have shyte for alleged “parents.” Best wishes.
so your best strategy was abandon her? right.....I see
That's what I've been dealing with for the last 11 months since my mom passed. The loss of hope. Thank goodness I had already started my therapeutic journey. I wish you peace.
Thank you for sharing your story and your perspective. I was estranged from my mom for 8 months before she passed away. I was 53 at the time, I have a thick skin having dealt with her all of my life. I was caregiver for her for 3 years prior but our relationship was extremely toxic and I was losing my sense of self and it became extremely unhealthy for me on a daily basis. I tried many strategies to distance myself from the toxic abuse, but nothing worked. All I wanted was to care for her in her older years and give back to her for the life she gave me but she didn’t make it easy for me mentally and emotionally. I had to leave. Sometimes it’s best to leave the caregiving for the professionals and not family. I held onto a lot of guilt and had to do a lot of healing after she passed, however, I now realize it was best for me for my own self preservation and protection.
You're amazing! 💜
There's no way I'm even trying to take care of mine. Nope!
So true. It’s not as if aging stealthily creeps into one’s home in the darkest of nights, secretes itself in the hall linen closet and at some later in time point jumps out and yells, “Surprise!”
They know. We all do. They deserve nothing from those they abused.
@@tundrawomansays694 💯 well said, yeah, they make their death beds, they have to lay in them.
18+yrs is a lot of time not to course correct, then all those years to old age on top!
It always breaks my heart to see people say they're taking care of abused parents and they're still being abusive.
😓
I'm in the process of estranging myself from my family, who were both physically and emotionally abusive.
Unfortunately my dad got diagnosed with cancer for the second time, when I finally got the courage to cut him off, no less than a week I was told his cancer got worse and he has stage 4 cancer.
My dad is a textbook narcissist, and I was his golden child, and that relationship in of itself hurt my younger sibling alot more than it has hurt me. Despite being his golden child, I never had a close relationship with my dad, I was always scared he would abuse me like he did our mother, I was afraid he would hate me like the rest of my family did.
I grieved the fact that I would never have the familial love I wanted roughly 5 years ago, but I never cut them off because I felt obligated to being there. However, at least once a year I get re-traumatized by some family member, I lives in fear of my family and even though I've basically ran away, I still live in fear because I am maintaining contact with them.
I just want it to end.
Hi Chi Fun, I can relate to your comment so much. I felt exactly the same when I was in close contact with my family. You are not alone.
It is really hard, and only you know what you need to do. I won’t say you know what is right, but you have identified exactly what is wrong for you. I hope you can maintain a strong boundary with your family, even your dad. Being sick does not excuse abusive behavior. A wise therapist once asked me what I would do if the abuse I was experiencing went on for another 20 years. It’s a good question to ask ourselves.
You deserve a life free from abuse, free from fear and where you can live your own life. 💗💗💗
Thank you so very much for sharing this, thank you. You are brave, strong woman. My story is similar to yours and your video resonated beyond measure. Sending you so much love and big hugs xo
Sending support right back to you! Thank you for being here. Take care.
Good channel concept thanks ❤. My grandmother’s and dads last months were marked with dementia that made them forget why, or that they ever had distanced themselves. I feel very grateful I had those days with my dad. Never expected it.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I am glad you had some good times 😍
I’m no contact with my egg donor. I honestly would not go to her funeral. I pray for her but my heart no longer allows me to feel/cry/grieve for an abuser.
I’ve already pretended in my head that I have no family. Maybe if they go before me, I’ll feel differently. In my mind I’ve already grieved them.
Thanks for your comment. So relatable.
I've commented on a few scapegoat/no contact videos over the years with my experience. It has attracted hateful comments from what I assume to be estranged parents who have assured me that my parents are living a much better life now that I'm gone, enjoying their last few years without such a horrible child, while meanwhile here I am counting years and being miserable and they hope I "wake up" and reconcile.
I am counting years because it's not a joyful scenario for me. It's the same way you count years after someone dies. In time, it hurts less but you always are aware of the absence. But when the alternative is walking on eggshells, furious drunk calls at 3 AM from an alcoholic mother, bullying from a narcissistic father, and living in constant anxiety about what they'll decide I'm at fault for next, I would rather just not engage. It's really just deciding which pain hurts less and accepting it as an unpleasant accessory to living my life in peace.
I'm in the same place you are. I recently have gone no contact. I am not sure how to handle things moving forward. I have not written a letter, however I have not called them or spoke with them in over two months. This past week was my mother's birthday - I did not call or send a card. It was a very hard day. Like you, Chess, my folks are elderly. I have siblings. I did tell one siblings but I did not tell the others. Somehow I don't think there is a need. I'm still in uncharted waters. Thank you for being vulnerable. Most surely, it is not easy.
It is hard. I can relate so much. I think taking your time is so important. Things will become clearer and easier, in my experience anyway. There is a lot of sadness and grief, and no 'right' way to do this... but we're in a really hard situation. Being kind to ourselves, and allowing space to follow our hearts and finally keep ourselves safe has to take priority.... finally.
Both my parents, dad the henpecked enabler and mom the bitter, caustic manipulator passed away before I got into therapy and learned about dysfunctional family systems. Nonetheless, I did have an emotional breakdown at her funeral Mass. I’d been left completely alone at my sister’s house to dress and drive myself to the church and I couldn’t get out of bed. Curled up in the fetal position, ADHD Demand Avoidance plus CPTSD Freeze response to being abandoned, left alone to completely fend for myself with no one there to care for mine. I did call around, my daughter’s car was full, and my “friend” said it was out of her way even though the church is
Oh Jen, your story is heartbreaking. The pain you describe is so real. I am so sorry you had to do through that experience... and now you are being shamed over it. It's awful. It sounds like you did more than your share when your mum was alive.
Your perspective about funerals is spot on and so helpful. It's good to remember they are for other people, not the dead. Thank you so much for sharing. I hope you are healing. ❤🩹
Jesus said to "Let the dead bury their own dead." And that's exactly what I did.
I gave my mother a lot of chances and I tried to make our relationship work but nothing worked and she isn't going to change. The last thing I told my mother was I will not be attending her funeral in future and wished her all the best and haven't had contact ever since.
Good for you for knowing what you needed to do. I hope you are doing really well now 💕
They use the will to try and get you back. Or say they are ill. You have helped me watching this xxx thank you x❤❤
Keep healing, and spreading ur truth‼️❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
I didn't feel peace at all what I feel is massive regret. I looked at my mother at her wake and thought we both wasted so much time and nothing ever changed. I do hope she forgives me and knows I did love her. I don't know what the answer is but I feel no relief from any of this.
I’m so sorry. I hope you can work through some of this and find some relief. It sounds like you had a really tough situation, and even if you could have done a bit more, there were good reasons why you didn’t. And there were two of you in the relationship, so at least half of that is not on you. Wishing you peace and forgiveness for yourself too 💚💚
To be the healthiest version of me I have to be estranged~love that you said that-it’s so true ❤
💚 glad it helped. Hope you’re doing well ❤️❤️
When my toxic father passes it will be a gigantic weight off of my shoulders.
Don,t try to change people, change yourself.
I went no contact with both parents and sisters. Even as my mother was dying would play mind games by calling my daughter lying about how she was hurt,etc. Asking if she could do her a favor at her funeral, knowing she was not going to have a funeral because she donated her body to science. Then my father who never wanted to be a part of my life dies a few weeks after my mother. Again lied to by my sister saying that there will be no funeral, to find out few weeks later there was a funeral. She lied to everyone there about why I didn't go. There is so much more but not enough time to write.
Sending you love. Estrangement with family is very difficult.
And back to you! It is so hard.
As an estranged Mom, hugs to you. At least you reached out to your parents and explained your perspective. I hope you find all the peace you deserve in your life.
Thank you for your kind words and understanding. I wish all the best back to you. 💌
Every day I would give anything to just see my parents again and be able to talk to them, so you may just want to give that some thought. Don,t know if your situation warrants the separation, only you know that. But, believe me nothing is worth never seeing them or talking to them again. Forgiveness is the key. Today, people are just separating Willy nilly. It,s popular. I think it,s quite juvenile. Everyone needs to grow up and move on. Just my thoughts. Good luck
@@barbarahess87 Yes. It's selfish and juvenile and disrespectful. But that seems to be the norm for this generation. I gave so much and lost so much and I don't know why. I would do anything, but it doesn't matter. They erased me from their life and they were my life.
@@juliadevine328 I'm old, and I estranged. Plenty of baby boomers and Gen X did. Don't blame it on this generation. DId they really give you no reason, or did you just dismiss the reasons they gave you?
@@barbarahess87 I know people who don't so much love their parents as endure them. Who regard their parents as an obligation they try hard not to resent. Is that really better than estrangement? A child who will be secretly relieved when you die?
After my mom died, my dad was snatched up by a vindictive, narcissistic woman who has literally worn him to the bone. He is in the advanced stages of Parkinson’s and I don’t know how long he has. I’ve gone no contact for 10 agonizing years. Dad has narcissistic run-off…he changed after he married that narcissist. I forgive him. I know he made a bad choice of a new mate out of desperation when my mom died. They were married 43 years…I just wish my dad peace and I love him with all my heart. I wish it wasn’t this way. May the angels bring him home.
@BrightSpaceBabe I feel the pain in your situation. I am so sorry. Sending 💚💚
I really needed this reminder among others today. I was put into a position where I was in physical close proximity with the toxic mother that I chose to walk away from after so many efforts. I felt immensely sick and hollow. I survived but it’s not something I really want to do again.
I had to wait until my momster left my brother's funeral. To see her across the lot after her not even trying to care about him for over 20yrs was really difficult. I understand a bit of how you felt. So sorry you went through that, but you're doing your best. 🤍
@@StephieGsrEvolution I really appreciate it and it’s rather frustrating and churning to have to go through someone “acting” like that. As it’s an act or even just a part that won’t last whether genuine or not at the moment. I hope your situation is better and you are getting closer to getting the total distance from her that u need. Right now, I’m just remaining distant and neutralizing her influence if I do end up in that pothole and stay close to my support. Thankfully it’s only just a few scattered days and then that’s it for the year. I leave it just there in the past and away from my mind as possible like “leaving work at work.” Honestly there should be a union like group that helps out those in these situations. It’s saddening.
@@r3b0rn_mike117 I've been estranged for almost 25yrs from her. That was the only time I saw her. I think that's what the best thing to do is not even see them occasionally if it's too stressful.
Take care! It sounds like you know what you need, so hope you can have that space from the toxicity as much as possible
@@thescapegoatclub thank uuuu from across the pond. It’s rather arse faced that there’s no safety net through the government that better helps ppl stay away from these situations. I’m having a peaceful Friday and weekend away from it with other loved ones though.
thanks for posting this video. hope you are doing better. you made me not feel so alone in a tough time.
I am so glad this helped. If it helps, I am finding time, distance and therapy are really healing. Sending you warm wishes. Take care ❤️🩹
This was a wonderful video for me! Thank u so much for sharing
Thank you for sharing. My husband's birth - mother has never connected. At a small age, she raised his sister. Both my husband and his brother were raided by his father and later his amazing and God-sent step-mom. We recently received a message his sister died and his birth mom needed assistance. Really. Seriously it’s not going to happen. I believe in life you are given choices. As the Bible says.. you reap what you sow.
I answered back by saying. We wish her all the best and will pray for her and hope she finds a nice place where she is loved. Goodbye. I got a response back with a. I understand . Thank you
@Rebecca, thank you for sharing your story. It is sad, but it sounds like you made a very wise choice. Distancing with kindness sounds the best way. 💟
I was 99% I had done the right thing and our relationship would never change after walking away until my (adult) daughter texted that my mother wanted me to get ahold of her because she just wanted to know that I was ok. I did not respond, realizing that after four years of separation, healing and reflection that she just wanted her granddaughter to think she cares and then give her sympathy. If she wanted to reconnect or did indeed care about my well being she would just contact me directly. That bumped it to 99.9%.
great insight! It's subtle, but I think we become very attuned to what a real attempt at reconciliation would look like, and the half or fake attempts that come our way. Glad you are doing ok and making peace with something so hard.
I had my epiphany when I went no contact with my malignant narcissistic mother. I remember standing in the middle of the road and waving bye-bye when the golden children took her away. I felt nothing, I just stopped giving a crap. I ended up going completely out of control and delusional, these damnable narcissists leave mine fields behind, buried and camouflaged just in case they are cutoff.
Sort of a failsafe device to detonate and devastate. The damn thing blew up in my face and I lost everything, she even trashed all of my memories. I stood there reading the eviction notice feeling like I’ve been gang raped. That was almost 4 years ago. I had to be heavily medicated and sedated just keep my head from exploding. I built my own prison because I felt that I could not be trusted. Great! I spent the majority of the last 4 years locked up in an apartment the size of a shoebox with all the furniture I could save. A few months before we were evicted I received an angry phone call from a family member chastising me for being an ungrateful son who will not visit his beloved mother who was begging anyone who would listen to bring me to see her. I felt nothing towards her but acrimony. She had the decency of finally dying last year. I didn’t give her the satisfaction of guilting me one more time. I was done with her, and them. I attended her memorial service and got the stink eye from my supposed family. I didn’t care. The opposite of love is not hate, it is apathy. About 6 months ago I started decreasing my medication, and now all those feelings I have been bottling up for the last 6 decades started bursting out with a vengeance. I am trying very hard at confronting my emotions now that I have done some healing but I have many more miles to go before I can say truthfully that I am healed. It’s a damn good start and thank you for reading my story. Don’t give up and don’t give in to the demons. I wonder how she will explain herself to almighty God on judgement day, I’ll be waiting and watching for her because I will be the first one in line. For I will be sanctified. I do not fear death.
I am humbled by almighty God and my guardian angel for not forsaking me when I was at my worst. Thank you Jesus for leading me out of the wilderness and towards peace. Thanks to the Holy Spirit for breathing life back into my body for I was surely dead. I will have to change with a good therapist helping me pull out the weeds that have been sucking the life right out of me. Put my house in order and pray that my wife and family will forgive me. As Jesus has forgiven me and I hope that they can as well.
As you hear a howling wolf in the distance, know that I am alive and doing well.
Peace out ✌️😎
I hear so much pain in your story, I’m so sorry you’ve had so many difficulties with your family. I hope you can find a way forwards with the peace you deserve. Please take care 💕💕
You "cut them off for good" yet you attended their funeral? Jesus said: "Let the dead bury their own dead, but you follow Me."
@@reesedaniel5835 thanks for the post, I know that with help and guidance of our lord Jesus Christ to watch over my family and myself as we navigate turbulent waters ahead of us in the coming future and approach our problems with humility and persevere until we achieve a successful outcome. Finally be happy and content so we can sail calm waters towards the setting sun and finally experience Gods glory.
Peace out ✌️😎
thanks for sharing your story & insight
thank you for your kind comment. I'm glad you found the video helpful and wish you well with whatever brings you here. Take care
I send you love and positive thoughs through this very difficult life situation. You have a beautiful loving soul. =) xxx
💕 thank you so much
This is an important but difficult subject. I think the major feeling is that when your a good person and are caring and loving even after abuse you struggle to be there for your parents because they cause you so much pain that you can't get out of bed for days or function when you are around them. Being scared to see mam because you are not good enough in her presence is a hard pill to swallow. Then you find love for yourself and realise that you were always good enough. I miss my mam but what do I miss? I miss being loved and accepted but it wasn't there so what do I miss? The thought of a loving mother. Again when you care even after abuse it is soul destroying when you will care for anyone and not have kids because of fear of hurting them emotionally is pretty sad. I send love to all and any parent who feels guilty should let their children know to validate only then can a child finally heal. ❤
There is always a solution. You need to find a mediator and learn to see the problem from 30,000 feet. Don’t waste another second. From your pain, it is clear you already know that the ultimate value is Love. Otherwise, you would not be feeling pain. Nothing is greater than Love. Set ego aside, set all else aside: Be bigger. Whatever the problem is, be deaf, dumb and blind to it. Just Love them anyway. The rest is just words. Be still, be silent, just Love. You will never regret it. Trust me, I speak from experience. In the face of death, you will look back and every problem will seem petty by comparison. Don’t wait, don’t hesitate. “Time is running like a river to the sea…” Life is about Love and nothing more. Anchor yourself in it. Be unconditional. That is what family teaches us: True, Unconditional Love. Be True. Be Love.
Estranged for four years father brother and It was more me drawing the line in the sand to a life time of helping me have destructive behavour which was turned around on me.
Covid was the last great divide and broke the camels back.
Four years on and I have never felt so balanced and grounded but can't say this thought has not gone though my head more than once nut I feel like I have almost done my grievance already from the loss and moved on.
in some ways estrangement is worse than death as its like a haunting, you hear about them ect... When my crazy mom died I asked my son not to be angry if I didn't openly grieve as I grieved her loss when I went no contact 20 yrs earlier, he seemed to understand. there was no funeral, she claimed she never wanted one, all along she told me I was cut out of the will but surprisingly I did get a share, sad how narcissitics use money to control others, I did share about a third with my son even though I knew he had lied, he was the golden child of the family and he and his lazy wife thought they were taking it all.Life is full of surprises, never give up as you may just be only 5 min. from your miracle!
thanks for sharing your story! I often wonder what the miracle is in all of this.... just to live in peace, I think. take care 💗
I love that you tried to talk with them about what you felt was wrong in the relationship, and that you wished them well on departing.
In the case of parental alienation, the (adult) child does not try to discuss with their parent, but rejects them on hearsay. Any contact is full of judgement and accusation and anything the rejected parent says is interpreted in the worst light.
Every estranged child should learn about the differences between a child who has been abused and a child who has been alienated.
Family breakdown is heartbreaking.
I was not as wise as you, but kept begging and pleading and being accused and slandered till my mother died, still lying about me.
I reacted emotionally in my trauma, and looked like the crazy one.
I had to detach emotionally and give up false hopes.
Had to learn not to JADE (Justifying Arguing Defending or Explaining).
Books which helped me:
Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft
Mothers who Can't Love by Susan Forward
Done With the Crying by Sheri McGregor
Good Boundaries and Goodbyes by Lisa Terkeurst
CZcams channels:
Dr Les Carter
Dr Ramani
Divided Families
The Reconnection Club podcasts by Tina Gilbertson
God bless you all. Know that you are greatly loved and understood by God, and you are enough.
Thank you for your kind, thoughtful comment. I am sorry you had such a difficult relationship with your mother. I hope you are recovering. You deserve peace and love 💕 take care
@@thescapegoatclub thank you , yes, I am 5 years into my new life, free of bullies and accepting the losses.
@@michelepascoe6068 so glad you are on the other side and finding a new way. 💙
@@thescapegoatclub thanks ❤
Thank you! My mother died last week and we didn’t talk or see each other for the last 15 years. I really don’t know how to mourn. Should I mourn? I don’t know.
I'm so sorry. The loss sounds so hard. I think dealing with the situation will come to you, and your inner wisdom will guide you. If you need to mourn, absolutely. I think it would be a very natural thing to do. It may look different from mourning a loss of a less complicated relationship, but it is still a loss. Maybe even a very big one. I hope time, understanding, and compassion for yourself in whatever feels right, will help. Wishing you all the best
Keep on walking, no senorio necessary. You’ve said your goodbyes. Stop talking about it! It’s a loss.
Thank you for sharing. 💜
Thank you for watching 💓
I'd say it's a very nice video, some very sensible thoughts you're sharing here, and it's especially great because it's coming from a personal perspective and a real-life situation, instead of say, being a context-deprived presentation of some large-population-wide stats.
(Plus, there's also the dramatic backdrop of uncertainty and premonition, since the unfortunate / semi-unavoidable event hadn't happened within your own life's journey, yet...)
TL;DR: Great for what it is (tragedy, cope, hope, living through hardship and surviving to tell the tale, trying to help others in similar situations, an example of life, and so forth), thanks for sharing!
I'll add one point of critique though, hope you'll see it with some humor, it's not negative, just ironic in a non-mean way, that is to say in my view positively funny:
When I clicked on the vid, I did so among other things because I expected it to be answering the question posed in it's current title ('What happens when your estranged parent dies?'), but as it turns out, despite both it's quality and length, the clip's content feels more like an embodiment of it's titular question, than it's respective answer. 🙃
Long story short, again: great post, thanks! 👍👍
P.S.
I especially liked the part where you said we have a choice between a shitty and an even shittier option. 😋
#Reality
There's definitely a lot of mixed feelings, but I think because of going no contact for years, I was able to move on with my life and create a stress free life for myself. But I found out my father passed away today and I reacted with shock, then slowly hit with sadness. What I noticed is how empathic I was and how only the rare memories of some more positive or happy times came up. There were definitely a lot of negative memories in the relationship, but they didn't really come up for me. I have forgiven him over the years and only wished he lived a happy and healthy life even though he refused to. I do feel that I am grieving over the parent I never really had. I thought about how different my family would be if he wasn't the toxic parent he was. I agree with you. He's still my parent and it's not easy to cope despite estrangement in half of my adulthood. So yes, those guilty feelings are definitely mixed in. I have a whole process to work through and I tell myself that I only wish he is relieved now because he held on to a lot of resentment and loss in his own life too.
I never “forgave” mine. In fact, it was never on the menu. Would I “forgive” a snake that she’d it’s skin on my patio? A raccoon who grubbed in my container plants and destroyed them *and* the beautiful pots they were in? A doe for kicking me into the hospital if I ventured too close to the wood-line where she stashed her fawn? Of course not. This is who they are, it’s their *character.* It’s what they do and who they are.
*These “parents” can’t even meet the parenting bar set by wild animals.* NC, they’re dead to you when you sever ties. The end.
yes you are right..a lot of comments on this post of hateful feelings but nothing that shows any humanity, maturity or reality that when you do "grow up' emotionally, it's not as easy as you think..so many people throwing their parents under the bus for many things that can be professionally helped with- instead of getting help they cut them off - it's especially bad if grand children are involved. goodluck.
Both my parents were NPD. My mother overt. My father more covert. My GC sister is passive aggressive covert. I went total no contact 6 years ago. I just walked away. No arguments. No explaining. No confrontation. I realised it was useless. They were hell bent on making me the 'bad one'. They didn't actually see me at all. My father died 2 years later and my mother died 4 weeks ago. It IS devastating and has left me with a dreadfully hollow feeling. I did go to both funerals and was treated with total distain. The trick if you decide to go is to avoid eye contact and not go to the wake. I went because I needed closure. No other reason. I wanted to be able to look back and say I didn't run away. I stood my ground and did what was right for me in the long run. Yes, if you go you will be met with outright abusive behaviour which hurts like hell. But it was interesting seeing my family from an outside perspectivve, especially my sister, her toxic husband (she married our mother!) and their three children. The golden child (the first born and most toxic one). The scapegoat (looking entirly different to the others and stuck out on the end in silence). And the lost child ( pale, blacked eyed and drawn) she's in her late twenties but still looks around 12 years old? All very odd and very unhealthy looking. Mostly it was the aura that came off them. It was like they were a cult, no member being allowed to make eye contact or converse with anyone outside it. All dressed in black. If you do go to the funeral you will clearly see the dysfunction in these people.
Thank you for sharing your experience. It sounds so hard. You are very courageous to go, knowing it was the right thing for you. I hope you are doing ok and looking after yourself through such a difficult, no-win situation. Sending support your way 💚💚
So you're a psychiatric nurse or practitioner,???
If the answer is no then you just made that all up lol , you have to treat the person and be an unbiased onlooker to diagnose NPD
@@BruceLee-fd7uw No one can diagnose these monsters better than a Family Scapegoat who has endured the insanity for their entire life. Experience trumps book knowledge every time.
“Closure” is a myth perpetuated by the self-help INDUSTRY as is “Forgiveness.” This industry has words de jour/words of the year and “closure” is one of them. We see the same with their newest crap, “Highly Sensitive Person.” If women weren’t neurotic enough, the self-help INDUSTRY is there to ensure you remain convinced the problem is YOU.
Umm, no, it’s not. Their “self-help” is actually, “Let me help myself to your wallet.”
I became a fairly estranged daughter due to stuff my dad did, not to me but to my siblings. I saw him not too long ago in the dream state & his spiritual journey continues on the other side.
Been in this situation too x
You too, huh. ☹️ thanks for being here 💕 hope you’re ok
thank you.
The best choice I made was to stop talking to my emotional and verbally abusive father. He has died now. My only regret is that I didn't have a loving supportive father. People don't change. He was abusive my entire life. I feel sorry for him. He missed out. I have no regrets. I morn the father that I needed not the one I had. He left millions of dollars for me when he died. His siblings have kept it from me since I was estranged from my father. Basically his entire side of the family thinks I am a horrible daughter. They have no idea the pain this man, my father, caused me. Not giving me what was intended for me is just another hurt related to my father... A kind word from him would have meant much more than leaving me millions anyway. Leaving me money was his attempt to show his family was a "Great" father he was lol. I am not willing to fight anyone for money. They can have it. I am fine!
I can see you are suffering with your decision. It is so hard in so many ways. For one, it is very complicated. It covers many, many years. The earliest years can't even be remembered. I have all the symptoms of CPTSD. Why? Did I make myself this way? Probably not. Life's experiences created me. I viewed the world through the lens of my dysfunctional family. I always thought I was just somehow defective, never realizing how my childhood predetermined who I was to become. You don't know for the longest time that you aren't you; you are them. When you try to be you, they don't like it. They will only accept you if you allow them to control you. The older we get and the more we separate the more they don't like it. You were always theirs to do with as they pleased, until you no longer were pleased to let them do so.
It took me a long time to realize my mom didn't love me. I still don't completely accept that. If you have accepted that your parents didn't love you, you will get through their deaths. Like you said, you are mourning now what you never had. When they die, the finality of it all, the fact that there is no chance to "fix" it could really hurt. I found myself questioning my behavior, my role in the family. I am struggling with guilt. I also realized how little I knew about my mom and who she was. Once they are gone it is too late. It is would be really interesting if they would answer questions about their childhoods, about how they met, anything you want to know before they are gone. If you already know all you want to know, lucky you.
I am sharing this after my mom's death. I never wanted anything from my family but a seat at the table. Their treatment said there was no room for me. I had a choice: grovel and accept the occasional crumb that fell to the floor or leave. I will never feel completely good about my decision to leave, but I did. You seem to feel your decision was correct. When you answered Steve's attack on your decision, I wondered if you had dealt with your decision with certainty. (He did not deserve an answer.) Without substantial certainty, the damage after their deaths can retraumatize you. I don't wish such pain on anyone. It was enough to suspect you weren't loved. Be sure they didn't love you before they die. I am in no way questioning your decision or that your parents were not good parents. Ask them to go to family therapy with you. If they refuse, you will have one more strong indicator of their toxicity. A parent who loves a child would go to therapy. If you are sure of your position, move on. Getting in touch with them can undo all the work you have done.
I wish you all the best.
thank you so much for your comment. it is so supportive and kind. your experience really shows.
You are right that I do still consider my decision. However, I am quite clear that the situation was so toxic that I had to leave. I think it's the guilt they still give me around the decision that is so hard. You ask whether they love me- I actually think they do in their own way. But their version of love is so toxic. It's more like duty and control, no kindness, warmth or understanding. It's tough because they don't know any different.
I am considering offering the therapy route, but I have to be sure I would be able to follow through with it. I'm not sure at all at this stage- because- as you identify, I can't risk them sabotaging my life again.
I am so sorry you went through challenges too. I really connected with your comment about being given crumbs off their table. It really feels that way in my family. I am grovelling for any small favour, whilst my parents and my sister decide from their high place what favour they might bestow on me. That's how it feels anyway.
I'm still considering it all. I think I am at peace with not being at peace, at least for now.
Thanks again, I truly appreciate you writing. It's given me much to reflect on💚
@@thescapegoatclub You are most welcome. I am grateful for CZcams and people like you who know enough about technology to help us make a meaningful connection. We will never find in other people what our parents were supposed to give us, but I find hearing other people's stories and being able to communicate with them very valuable. It makes me feel less alone. It validates me. Makes me feel less crazy. I also find great joy in giving someone else something she or he needs.
@@nancybartley4610 you don't sound the least bit crazy to me. and you are definitely not alone 😍
I wish I could have gone to therapy with my mom. But since childhood she always said no when I asked for help and I learned to stop asking for help. Her indifferent and lack of love towards me was the reason I chose to go no contact. She passed away. I grieved not having a mother's love long before she passed. I went no contact at 28 she passed when I was 61. Neither I nor my other sister went to her funeral. She was no contact for 10 years. I got an inheritance but if I didn't I would not have cared. It did help pay for a part of the estimated value of counseling, medical bills, surgery for ulcerative colitis from stress, psoriasis and dermatology visits, time off of work, mental distress , depression, anxiety, suicide attempts, isolation, etc to deal with my complex PTSD which I estimate the value to be at $500,000 so my inheritance was a very very small portion of that even though she was a millionaire.
But my life was hell. I have some peace now.
🌹🌹blessings to my fellow survivors
I am with you and in the same situation. Very difficult
I'm so sorry to hear it. Sending support your way. 💚
I’m wondering if you have any tips on how to find a good therapist or coach that specializes in family scapegoat abuse? I am somewhat newly estranged from everyone in my family (including All relatives), and working on my recovery pretty much all on my own. I could use someone who gets it. I tried working with a therapist I found on one of those big remote counseling platforms, but she didn’t really understand or relate to my situation. Any tips? I so appreciate your videos - very helpful. Thank you!
Hi Leila, you have really hit upon one of the main problems I also have found. My therapist was ok with helping me with the mechanics of my PTSD, but to be honest, doesn't get the scapegoat thing at all. She tries, but..... So, I am training to be a therapist and hope to start taking clients in 6 months or so, if that would be of interest to you. It may be narcissistic relationship coaching if I'm not licenced in your jurisdiction. But I also know that is a LONG time away.
Right now, I know of Dr Jay Reid, Patrick McGee and Patrick Teehan from CZcams.
In the meantime, stay tuned to the channel. I'll be launching a website hopefully very soon, and will see if I can offer any more personal help through there..... 😀
Yes, that is a big issue trying to find a therapist who understands. To top it off, I am taking care of my husband who has worsening dementia issues. My narcissist elderly father was also targeting him for abuse. I have cut final contact I'm not letting him back again. It is a long story, but the final nail on his coffin is finished. One of my doctors is well aware of what is going on because my dad went into his office saying the most horrible things that my doctor had to tell me. He was doing it all over the office. Some people may not believe in this but I do have a guardian angel who has been making himself very present since the last very toxic abuse situation happened.
My dad who I'm named after just died same day as my uncle...we haven't spoken in 11 years.,Moms already gone.My Sister,sister in law, nephew and best friend is gone.. Jesus I guess I'm next.
I'm fairly young but when going no contact with my mother one of her very first messages about me ignoring her included the line "We don't know how long we have left here on earth." and while she has used death as a way to guilt me before I was surprised that she used it here considering our ages.
oh wow- that line sounds familiar! Hope you're doing ok!
I consider your thoughts and also would like to share my feelings, thank you for the opportunity. It's only been 10 days since my narcissistic father died and from that day on, the difficulties we had ceased to exist and today I think that I could have let this happen while he was still alive.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I know it is different for everyone and really helps when people are brave and kind enough to share what they have gone through. I wish you well for the future
My father is a control freak. If we did not do things the way he wants it, he will nagging and if anything wrong he will non stop try to prove how wrong we are.
I always happy when my dad not around. Unfortunately my mother has been under his control since she got married to him. He control everythting.
He don’t trust my mum can manage her financial so he keep most of my mum’s salary. My mum never know how to use teller machine at the bank to cash out money because my father never allowed her to keep a bank card.
That sounds like a really difficult situation. I hope you are ok, and your mum too. 💕
@@thescapegoatclub Thank you, getting a reply from someone like you already make my day ☺️
@@SumatraIslandGirl you're so welcome