In Conversation with Melissa Orlov: The ADHD Effect on Marriage - Unlocking ADHD
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- čas přidán 24. 07. 2024
- How is a relationship impacted if one or both partners have ADHD? Are there any strategies to improve the relationship? Learn more about this rarely mentioned topic from this webinar recording! Guest speaker, Melissa Orlov, shares in-depth about the effect of ADHD on relationships and how to start improving your connection with your partner. There is also a Q&A segment at the end where participants have their burning questions answered.
For those who would like to sign up for Melissa's Couples Seminar, the link is at www.adhdmarriage.com/event/ph.... Email contact@unlockingadhd.com to get the Promo Code for USD$30 off the registration fees
Guest Speaker Profile - Melissa Orlov :
Melissa is the founder of ADHDmarriage.com, a marriage consultant and top expert in ADHD and relationships. She is also the award-winning author of The ADHD Effect on Marriage (2010) and The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD (2014 with Nancie Kohlenberger).
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Chapter Divisions: The ADHD Effect on Marriage
0:00 Start
0:02 Introduction by Melissa Orlov
1:40 ADHD in Relationships
6:31 Inherent Tensions (Symptomatic Behaviour vs Expectations)
9:47 S/R/R Model
17:05 Optimizing Management of ADHD (3 Legs)
23:34 "Parent" / "Child" Dynamics
25:40 Unproductive Responses (Non-ADHD partner)
26:41 Unproductive Responses (ADHD partner)
27:41 'It Doesn't Have to Be This Way'
31:43 'Some Examples of a Different Way'
37:53 Resources
39:35 Question & Answer Session
39:45 Q1: The Acceptance of ADHD:
Scenario 1 - The non-ADHD spouse suspects that the spouse has ADHD but it has not been diagnosed
Scenario 2 - The ADHD spouse is not able to obtain the understanding of their non-ADHD spouse after receiving the diagnosis
44:26 Q2: The Management of Emotions
- How do we manage rejection sensitivity in a couple relationship?
50:37 Q3: Distractibility in a Partner
- How does the partner handle distractibility in their ADHD partner?
55:28 Q4: "Parent" - "Child" Relationships & Regression
- How do we manage the moments where the couple relationship regresses to old patterns?
59:34 Q5: Revealing of Diagnosis to a Partner - In the context of a romantic relationship, when should an ADHDer share about their condition?
1:03:50 Q6: Addressing Trust Issues
Trust Issues - How to address the concerns of the non-ADHD spouse who is afraid that the forgetfulness of the ADHD spouse may inadvertently harm the child?
1:07:46 Q7: Medication & "Drug Resistance"
- What if someone develops resistance after long-term usage of Ritalin? What are other ways to manage ADHD symptoms?
1:10:24 Q8: Family Support
- As a non-ADHD member of the family, how can they do their part to support their family and still cope with the frustrations they face?
1:16:05 Q9: (Melissa): Are Our Questions Similar to those in the US?
1:17:25 Closing Remarks
My husband has ADHD and I’m autistic. It is so hard to make the relationship work. He neglects every aspect of our relationship and environment (house, pets, family, etc) but never misses his appointments to play D&D.
It took me 3 years to realise and verbalise that this is happening, and I’m already worn out. I have so many struggles on my own and since we got married he’s just adding more stress in my life to the point I’m not performing good at work anymore. I wish so bad I could rely on my husband. My life has been so difficult all the time, he has a very privileged background but not me. I had to really pull my way through life with poverty and no family. I don’t have a support system, his family couldn’t care less if this is working or not, if I’m drowning or not.
He doesn’t do anything to make this better. I still care about him but I care about myself more. I think the next step for us is divorce.
I feel for you having been married 29 years to a spouse with ADHD. It is exhausting, emotionally destructive (the anger outbursts due to emotional dysregulation or emotional neglect), and makes relationships unsustainable for many. Then add the common comorbidities of anxiety, depression, and learning disabilities, along with the fact that we likely have different personality temperaments (opposites do attract)...It sets the stage for a lot of heartache for spouses.
Is it ADHD? Or just plain narcissistic behavior 😢
@@WT72-493hycd Interesting you mention this. My h also has NPD traits. I have wondered if those with ADHD learn gaslighting techniques as a way to protect their own psyches since they no doubt receive tons of emotional injuries as children due to their symptoms. For example, someone with ADHD who is always being told, "You're not listening" could learn to deny hearing things that were said or accuse the speaker of being the one who is not remembering correctly as a coping strategy. It would be interesting to see research on the ADHD/NPD comorbidity.
@@jssmith1608 mine is super manipulative, liar and gaslight. But I know deep down in my heart that his intentions are not to hurt. He is very laid back, soft and easy to manipulate too and he’s been a victim of abuse from his parents. They are still trying to control and manipulate him. They humiliate him in every chance that they have. My poor husband has a very bad judgment and makes poor decisions out of impulse and his parents use this to make a point, that he is not capable of making choices.
I can see this but he can’t. Now I’m also dealing with this abusive behaviour because they go behind my back to making make decisions without me in the pictures.
I told him that it’s not my place to making him realise the family dynamics, but it breaks my heart thinking that I can’t do anything really. Just walk away if he doesn’t take control of his situation. I don’t have the mental capacity to deal with all this.
@@jssmith1608 many people with ADHD learn how to lie, manipulate and gaslight out of shame and guilt. Mine does too. But when I have catch him on a lie he can admit he’s wrong, feels shame, and tries to be better. A narcissist would never apologise nor be held accountable.
One of the big issues that I had in a previous relationship was that neither of us were very structured. We both had symptoms of ADHD, but we had very different needs and priorities.
I need a structured environment in order to be able to function. For example, I have had to learn to put everything in exactly the same place every time, else I not only lose my things, but I also wander around trying to remember what it was that I was going to do in the first place.
He thought such things were completely unnecessary, and would put things wherever they happened to land.
He was highly focused on saving money, but couldn't seem to understand that in order to do that, I need achievable goals and the ability to treat ourselves when we do well. Otherwise it starts to feel like endless enslavement.
thank you for sharing
I feel simultaneously some peace and relief from all of this information, while feeling regret and sadness that I couldn’t have somehow figured all this out with my ADHD partner before the break up. It’s been a year and I still am grieving and really depressed. I loved her and still love her dearly, but became so frustrated and hopeless that I would emotionally abuse her. I will always have deep shame about it. I do appreciate this content and I’m very grateful.
Thank you for sharing and we are glad you found the video helpful. Hope things work out for you 🙏🏻
This summarises my life and failed marriage. The parent/child dynamic. Verbal abuse. Loss of confidence.Not wanting to be around that person anymore.I am so glad I found it now so I can avoid making similar mistakes in my future relationship and I can heal, grow and improve.Thanks so much
thanks for sharing, Rachel T - sorry to hear about your failed marriage - this is one of the reasons we are supporting the good work that Melissa Orlov does - to help those who are struggling in their relationships, and also to help those who may enter relationships in the future to prepare for the best possible outcome.
I have just discovered Melissa Orlov tonight…and I feel like this may save my marriage.
😅😅 8:06
I relate big big. I don't want to keep living this way.
glad to be able to help. wishing you all the best
I was just diagnosed with ADHD. Years ago my husband was diagnosed OCD/OCPD. 30+ years in and I’m so tired of the struggle of trying to understand each other and make it work 😢
Thank you so much for Real life adhd information!!!
Non ADHD Wife
I feel compassion and understanding after watching.
thank you for your encouragement - we are glad you found this helpful
If your response is compassion and understanding I think you have a lucky partner. Hope everything goes well for both of you
This video is great I will listen to the whole thing-I stopped listening at 24 min where the parent child
dynamics starts being talked about. I DO feel like I am dealing with a child most of the time.
My partner pays TOO MUCH attention to me! He “summons” me to help him when I am busy with household tasks.
Repeatedly. I often feel suffocated ! He wants to tell me things in long winded monologues when I am trying
To get ready to leave the house or I am occupied elsewhere.
He is a champion procrastinator !! If I say anything to my partner about completing tasks then he says I am a NAG! I left the house a few days ago to run errands-I was gone for 3 hours. Before I left I asked him to do ONE thing. I even said "I will be so happy when I return if you have done this". Did he do it? NO. I returned and he was writing an email to his sister. When I asked him did he do what I asked he said "no but I am going to". I said " WHEN? I was gone 3 hours!" He then went on to say he HAD to write the email to his sister. Nonsense. Doesn't take 3 hours to write an email. He is a grown man and I can not force him to stop procrastinating! Or do anything else!
Yes he is "reliably UNreliable". I do all the shopping, cooking and cleaning up. I feel like I am his mother.
these things are affecting my comfort level and mental health… I used to think it's immaturity and selfishness vs cooperation….now I am
seeing it differently.
But isn’t complaining a form of control and a manipulation tactic? My partner is a relentless complainer.
I think my 63 yr old partner has ADHD and if ONE thing goes wrong then everything is AWFUL. This is so exhausting. He is an expert at noticing what is WRONG.
One wrong event will set off a tirade of complaints of things that happened years ago!
He is always a victim....this is how he sees himself and it sucks for me to see him like this. Ugh.
So one you tube video I watched said I have to "allow" him to "just be”..and not react. Ok but he goes on and on and on and ON...I have left the house many times just to get AWAY from him and get some peace..and this helps me calm down but if it's dark outside then I will NOT leave and so I have to endure this negativity which is depressing and horrible for ME I'm getting worn out .....agh……..
My partner misses deadlines…hard to complete things in a timely manner..poor organization….protrastination………….
Easily distracted ..I feel like I have a child sometimes……
The other main issue I have is he sometimes gets upset when I cut him off in main conversations when he keeps going and going on a topic.
Last night he was supposed to join a zoom mtg at 6:00 pm. I assumed he was going to be ok and be able to do this. I was busy in
The kitchen..at 2 minutes before 6pm he summons me and is frantic as he can’t seem to log in to his meeting. I try to help but
I’m not tech savvy and hen he gets upset and starts swearing! I want to scream and say “ if you had started to log into
Zoom 15 or 20 minutes ago we could have avoided all this drama and frustration!” But if I had said that he would have overreacted and gotten
Angry! He relies on me to”save” him in these situations. He finally was able to join the zoom meeting 25 minutes late. I was exasperated.
One person commented "This summarises my life and failed marriage. The parent/child dynamic. Verbal abuse. Loss of confidence.Not wanting to be around that person anymore.”
That is how I am feeling now!!!! I don’t enjoy being around my partner most of the time!!!
Do you have to see a psychiatrist to get Rx for ADHD? Do most family practice doctors understand ADHD? He says he is willing to
Be evaluated for ADHD.
Re the first example you share at the 32:00 mark. I find it really strange that you advocate it’s a “great idea” for the wife to leave her laundry in the dryer…so long as she leaves a basket nearby for her husband to remove the clothing if he needs to use the dryer. It would make sense that the wife should remove her own laundry (instead of leaving it as a task for the husband to do). That doesn’t sound like helping her or him. Rather, it’s still in the pattern of leaving things as a child would do for the non-ADHD spouse (parent) to do and still adding to their plate. Why not create some awareness for the ADHD spouse to have them realize that you must finish the task? You start by placing it to wash, dry, then put away. Task started, task finished. If that same guidance (to leave her clothing in the dryer) is suggested, what happens when the ADHD partner goes to work and leaves their dirty mug in the sink? They should let the next person at their job finish their task of washing it and putting it away? Doesn’t appear to teaching that the ADHD spouse needs a level of consideration about their actions/behavior, and that you start tasks to finish them.
14 years of this has been so difficult. Took your course a decade ago, I don't have much faith she can stick with anything for long. I don't want to divorce but I cannot accept the thought of living with this behavior for the rest of my life. It has not been worth all the effort.
Does she actively work on herself? If she has the mindset that "oh, I have adhd. Theres nothing I can do about it!"
Id say divorce her. I HAVE to hold myself accountable because nobody else is going to. If she refuses to do that, then she can't be helped.
This video was very helpful. I watched many but it was not that applicable to my case. Since my spouse has ADD so it was helpfu to understand it. Thank you so much!
My marriage is exhausting and I feel so hopeless. Too broke for a divorce and we have 6 young children I don't know how I'd provide for. Just venting. Guess i need tips on how to be happy in a relationship where communication is impossible and leaving is not a viable option.
Wow I'm sos sorry to hear that
You can't ask on how be happy in a relationship that make you miserable you are very patient but look after your mental health
Have you tried couples therapy?
❤❤
@@noneofyourbuizness things are better. After binge watching season 1 of "Arranged," it made me realize that all couples struggle and helped me normalize the struggles in my relationship. I wish we could do couples therapy! Maybe someday! Time and money are issues right now. My spouse does try hard to show he cares when he can so I just need a whole lot of patience and acceptance.
Right with you my best advice is to focus on yourself. Act as if you are single,I don’t mean go out and cheat, a single person mindset. The only way to cope.
@@PiedPiper38 It's been so helpful to learn to have a more independent mindset, lower my expectations for life in general, and just be okay with my best, while accepting his best. Still hard sometimes, but I'm at peace. Thanks for your comment!
@@noneofyourbuizness have to add that turns out he'd been unable to fill his prescription for weeks and was likely going through withdrawal. Things got so much better when he leveled out. I had no idea 😔
Man she got me. If i get up beforen you're done eating, more than likley, I've judged that you're taking TOO LONG...in today's world, sitting and watching someone eat is torture. So if she thought leaving laundry in the dryer and tying up the space wasn't rude/entitled, then getting up and doing something when your DONE eating shouodnt be rude...we get bored...and isn't it entitled of the slower eater to think i shouldn't care about losing time because they have nowhere to go/ nothing to do???
Excellent thank you!!!
Glad it was helpful!
Excellent. Thank you.
you are welcome!
ABSOLUTE AMAZING!!!!! Thank you!!!
you are welcome!
Melissa Orlov is just stellar. Have recommended so many clients to watch all her material. Just wonderful information!
thank you - and we agree that Melissa is awesome
This is very helpful information ❤❤ Thank you for your content. I know people in my circle who has it and it helps me understand things better.
You are so welcome!
The presentation is informative, but there is so much mention of the non-ADHD partner being the person who is in an organized, parenting role. My husband is not like that at all. He expects me to do those things. If I don’t, he gets mad, but he doesn’t do it himself. I eventually get to it. I suppose that our dynamic is atypical then?
Are you sure he doesn't also have ADHD?
@@HakeemKaree undiagnosed PTSD. If he has ADHD, he lacks the empathy for other people with it. He thinks it should be so easy for me.
@@leilap2495 So I'm in a similar situation and my wife also has PTSD,(I actually have both) so I'm pretty sure I get what you mean now. Part of what I think it is (I'm not a doctor or psychologist btw), is that PTSD and ADHD have a lot of overlapping symptoms that can appear the same but the way you can deal with them are completely different sometimes. So from his PTSD perspective he's wanting you to do what he does to overcome his PTSD when the same situation arises but not realizing while the symptoms are the same on the surface the underlining causes make it to where the "fix" isn't necessarily the same. I've dealt with this internally, not knowing where ADHD ends and where my CPTSD starts and I've also dealt with this with my wife recently. She often tells me how "everyone deals with stuff like _____" not realizing that everyone doesn't have ADHD on top of ______ making it worse.
@@HakeemKaree that’s really insightful. I have cPTSD (not yet recognized by the DSM), but my husband has full blown PTSD, with the recurrent nightmares, startle response, hypervigilance. I went through trauma therapy, but it just made me feel worse. It was like I was expected to simply be and do better by reframing my perspective. I can’t unperceived my inability to save money and other manifestations of executive dysfunction. I can’t unforget things and unlate myself without medication. He sees my ADHD traits as moral failings. That being said, we have made a lot of progress since my diagnosis and treatment started.
glad things have been progressing. All the best to you
Wish i knew this info before the breakup
This is a very informative conversation on the impact of ADHD on a relationship. I would love to hear your feedback!
thank you for sharing your expertise with us. We have emailed the feedback to you - many people found the information presented very helpful
I'm on a adhd group and your name was recommended.. it really is a predicatble pattern.......and also a relief that there are routes to learn and grow as a couple.
thank you - we so appreciate what Melissa Orlov is doing in this space
I would like to know more about adhd related to young couple and how it can affect the confidence
Other issues, RSD, impulsivity big issues in relationship
Yes indeed, PingDeMorte. There are many challenges - awareness and a willingness to work on things is important
Indeed I felt like the most damaging issues were not covered. RSD / dysregulation. Those things are far more damaging to a relationship than being distracted or time blind.
thank you - we have noted for a future topic
I really appreciate this info. I’m feeling kinda defeated bc he’s been diagnosed before meeting me (10+ years) while I didn’t have the knowledge to say “hey babe I think this is an adhd symptom” I did suggest what Orlov said about the 3 legs that need to be optimized. Like literally said some of her suggestions. (This is due to my experience with DBT. ) And so I’m left feeling like he ought to be able to identify these things better than me! And he doesn’t. Okay so I suggest something that considers the adhd very literally and I get push back….like wtffff
sorry to hear about the response you had. it takes two to work at things. Melissa mentions that the individual with ADHD needs to take ownership of the condition and manage it. without this aspect, it is rather challenging for the non-ADHD spouse to manage on their own.
Do you have any videos on when both partners married have adhd for my husband and I have adhd? 😊
not yet - but we will keep this in mind!
This is my life @ 25:00 😳
hope things improve
Please translade in Portuguese 😢
More excuses to hurt the disabled shud be ashamed not one Positive word for for people living with ADHD
Phillip, I’m in a toxic relationship with my non adhd husband. Sometimes its hard for me to recognize what treatment is basically emotionally abusive towards a disabled person. Can you say more about what things in this video specifically you think are excuses to hurt disabled people?
Typical. ADHDr. 😒
So you consider yourself "disabled" because you have ADHD? Interesting. I just see my wife and son as being different types of people in this world of neurodiverse folks.
@@maggiesamson337have some compassion woman
@@djkobafemilike LGBTQIA’s lingo changes - I heard a new word called “different-ability” As of now it’s derogatory term to call someone disabled 2024 🤷🏽♀️ Not sure if everyone heard the term yet but this is coming from the social work world