Death is Inevitable - Grief is Not | Jennifer Mathews | TEDxAshland
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- čas přidán 6. 07. 2024
- NOTE FROM TED: This talk only represents the speaker’s personal understanding of the grief. Some viewers may find elements of this talk to be distressing or objectionable. TEDx events are independently organized by volunteers. The guidelines we give TEDx organizers are described in more detail here: storage.ted.com/tedx/manuals/t...
After the love of her life died in 2011, Jennifer Mathews wondered why she wasn't devastated. How could she still be happy? She questioned herself for years, and then she began questioning the cultural expectation of grief itself. What if grief is not inevitable after all? In this personal and unconventional talk, Jen challenges us to break free from the limitations and language of a “grieving process” and change the way we think about and respond to the death of those we love. She combines life stories and tools with references to recent research on grief, opening up new possibilities for emotional wellbeing when navigating death. Jennifer Mathews is a self-proclaimed spiritual cheerleader who loves meditation as much as she loves microphones. After her beloved died in 2011, Jen became passionate about sharing life-affirming perspectives on grief and loss through her writing, workshops, and presentations. She is on a mission to shift cultural messages that hold us back from joy and to help people connect to the spirit of who they are. Jen is a founding member and active organizer of the Ashland Death Cafe and the Living/Dying Alliance of Southern Oregon. As part of the Community Outreach and Education team of the award-winning film Death Makes Life Possible, she has facilitated conversations on death, dying, and the afterlife in the US, the UK and Ireland. Jen lives in Mount Shasta, California or wherever her camper van takes her. She is unapologetic for applauding when she sees rainbows, shooting stars, or bioluminescence. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx
Oh my I'm reading some of these comments and just losing it. Such an emotionally charged conversation and some really beautiful stories being shared. Thank you Jennifer for creating this space and opportunity for people to share in this way.
it is a really sensetive topic, I think that is what triggered everything
people have been through a lot and we cannot even imagine their pain
some people have a burden that not many of us could carry
@Sheelah Svancara well even death is only temporary
as a sensitive person I cried the whole way through
The laughter therapy is such a unique and positive approach. It's refreshing to hear a perspective that goes beyond the traditional expectations of grief.
What a breath of fresh air! The emphasis on laughter as a tool for healing is so beautiful
Thank you for your comments! I'm glad you enjoyed the talk and hope you can use unconditional laughter as a tool in your own life in a way that's valuable for you.
When she described herself as an ‘optimistic person’ I was thrown! People are optimistic? By default?
you read this all wrong!
Hi Jessica. There are studies of people's personalities and temperaments and some of us are more naturally optimistic, while others are more naturally pessimistic. Martin Seligman's book Learned Optimism is a very interested read, if that appeals to you (though more academic). I feel I had an advantage because optimism comes more easily to me while others may need to "learn" that perspective. Hope that helps! - Jen
Grief as a process we must go through. We just have to intellectualise everything. Just feel and acknowledge.
Those whom we loved never really leave us. They live on forever in our hearts, and cast their radiant light onto our every shadow.
i feel this on so many levels
Thats what makes existence so perfect!
I've never thought about grief in this way! Clearly your experience is so unlike how we're conditioned to behave... it's really thought-provoking to be offered a different lens to view the experience of grief through
I love that you see this talk as thought-provoking since that is my hope, that it will generate conversations and the possibility to look at how we respond to death differently, free from conditioning (even if that means we feel deep sadness, at least we can experience that genuinely rather than being taught that it is the only way). I'm glad my experience can be of value to others. - Jen
This is important. It's a reminder that individuals have unique ways of coping and there's no right or wrong way to navigate emotionally tricky situations.
The buzz from that beautiful love Jennifer had is going to last the rest of her life. May she continue sharing this message of celebrating unconditional love.
Indeed!! Thank you so much for seeing that this talk is really about unconditional love. You are exactly right!!
I felt liberated after listening to Jennifer. My best friend died recently, after a battle with cancer and I was grateful she wasn't suffering any more.
I'm so glad to hear that the talk was liberating for you. Yes, you can be grateful and at peace with your friend's death and deeply love her at the same time!! Thanks for taking the time to comment.
This is the kind of shift in perspective we need as a society. Throwing away the old programming and actually thinking and feeling for ourselves, heck yeah!
Thank you!! Yes yes, throw away old programming ... Unlearning what is "automatic pilot" and authentically responding to life and to death. I'm with you 100%!
Honour the deceased's memory by celebrating a life well lived. Their triumphs, passions, favourite movie, meal and red wine
Indeed, calling someone's presence forth in real time is a great way to honor and celebrate their continued impact in our own lives. Thanks for your comment!
I find it fascinating - so many commenters reacted, commenting on GRIEF experiences when the speaker talked about survivor response to DEATH experience. We have been culturally taught that GRIEF is the NORM after DEATH, when the research [and the presenters experience, and my experience] shows there are multiple responses after death. GRIEF is 1 of those responses. JOY/CONNECTION is a response. One is not "better" or "worse" or "believeable" or "wrong". May we all have the honor to experience whatever emotions we have after the DEATH of a loved one. ❤
Thank you!! I wrote 2 replies to you, and they seem to have disappeared. My apologies! The gist is yes yes yes I am so glad that you resonate and "get it" from your own experience. I am hopeful that these new perspectives of death and how we respond will become a more common conversation many people have.
I went to a friends fathers Irish Wake, we laughed and cried and felt his life in full. I get this!
I have an Irish friend and he talks about wakes too.
Love me a good wake!!!
the way it should be!
Her call for a cultural shift in how we respond to death is powerful. We should embrace diverse responses to loss.
YES!! Thank you for seeing that my sharing is about a cultural shift! Exactly.
I think her perspective on death and grief is refreshing! We all cope in different ways and her journey is real proof of that.
Thank you! Your words are exactly what I was hoping people would get ... that my experience is just one example (aka proof) that we all experience death of loved ones differently, and all of it is okay.
I can feel sad and happy at the same time, to remember my mother brings tears and also wonderment of the things she did.
Actually, I feel the same about my grandmother
I remember being told we thought our mom might die. So I found myself feeling sad and sorry for myself, making it about me and the impact on my life. And then I caught myself creating that poor me story in my head. My conclusion was the understanding of death was for those who were left behind, perhaps and most likely with regret or sorrow. Jennifer Mathews your approach to grief is in acceptance of feeling, and living a love that will never die. Truly beautiful.
Thank you, Terry, for sharing your experience here. It’s amazing to me what happens when we “catch ourselves” as you describe. I’m glad that you resonated with my approach to grief and hopefully the freedom we each have to discern which response to death is truly ours and which is conditioned. All the best to you in the new year! - Jen
Absolutely agree that grief is not the only authentic response to death. When my grandmother died at 93 I was so relieved. The poor woman was just in constant pain, couldn't do anything and had been miserable for years.
Thanks for sharing your experience here! - Jen
Everyone overcomes the grief in their own way
Indeed! Which includes not feeling much or any grief, depending on perspectives, inner tools, experiences, and practices.
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross actually wrote about the 5 stages of dying and it got sort of hijacked and then popularized and criticized as the 5 stages of grief. I lost a son to a drug. overdose a few years ago and found myself grieving more over abuse and dead relationships with living people, and my son has continued to be a living presence in my life. I'm not as grief free as this woman, but I understand the sentiment.Thank you.
My heart goes out to you with the death of your son. Thank you for sharing here, and for expressing your awareness of your own grief and how it was more related to other dynamics. So important that we talk openly about that piece! Thank you. (And yes, "hijacked" is a good word for the 5 stages, since they are about dying rather than grief). All the best to you, sincerely. - Jen
This is just the best approach to living ever; and yes it includes death.
Thanks, Ron, for taking the time to comment! I love that you “get” it’s about living, and includes death too 😊
Thank you for sharing your story. The fact that we expect people to act a certain way and say things like "oh they're in denial" or "It hasn't hit them yet" when they don't is pretty messed up when you think about it.
She's pretty magic this one.
Oh, thank you! My husband and soulmate died earlier this year, and I have been wondering what is wrong with me. After he died, I felt the strongest feelings of gratitude and community that I have ever had. I felt trapped by "grief culture" - it was stifling, creepy, and just felt wrong - and I tried to find some way to escape it. And while I miss my husband so much, I'm doing better than I ever thought. Yes, there are times when his absence is palpable, and there are times when I cry. But mostly, I'm happy. And it's so difficult to explain to people because we just don't have adequate language for it.
Thank you for taking the time to share about your experience. Yes, I truly hope more and more people will see how expecting grief as the only response to death doesn't truly reflect many of our experiences when a loved one dies. The main experience for some of us is connection and joy, and the cultural idea that "the more you love, the more you grieve" just isn't accurate. Sometimes or for some of us, the more you love someone, the more joy and gratitude you feel! And that is a beautiful thing to be honored rather than questioned. May your journey be filled with your husband's sweet presence.
Thank you for sharing your experience! I am so glad we can find the resonance with one another and allow ourselves to feel joy despite the expectation of grief. All the best to you!
I lost my wife of 33 years last month to Covid? I know I understand
thats beautiful...
This is so tragic and so beautiful, I don't know you majandess but your story and Jennifers hit me deeply, bless you.
My sisters husband just died. He was my brother in law and much loved by all of his family. I honestly cannot imagine ‘laughing’ in that forced and false-sounding manner about his death or remembering him like that.
We do share laughter when we talk about David, but it’s real and loving and genuine. It’s helped my sister and her children and me very much.
Thanks for sharing your experience, and my heart goes out to your sister, you, and your family. I wouldn't suggest laughing about anyone's death, honestly. Laughing "on purpose" can be a way to shift energy, and to let go of holding on to the struggle or grief, if only for a few moments. In this talk, I offer laughter as a "tool" - just allowing the body to laugh without anything being funny - and then allowing it to inform whether we are holding on to our emotional state in the moment or not. All the best as you continue to remember him together.
I think maybe you've missed the point of this talk and she's certainly not suggesting you need to laugh about your loved one or their death
Focused on all that you have lost is not required. Thank you Jennifer.
My pleasure! Thank YOU for watching and commenting. I am so glad you resonated with what I shared here.
This talk is definitely polarizing and judging from the comments some people don't seem to get it. Personally I'm grateful for the perspective you're presenting here Jennifer. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who doesn't grieve their loved ones.
Thanks for your comments! I'm glad you know you're not alone in your experience. And yes, the talk is controversial when people think I'm saying they shouldn't grieve or be grieving, or that they should do it differently. But as you know, that's not the point. The point is to speak publicly about how some of us have a different relationship to death, which doesn't include heartache and sadness.
I find this very hard to contemplate, I miss my mum so much... It hurts and still does.
Hi Don. My heart goes out to you. We all respond to death differently, so be gentle with yourself and your inner process.
@@katfisch7119 I wholeheartedly agree. Society’s censoring of pain versus joy or laughter could not be more obvious. I’ve been in private practice for more than two decades and cultivating safe spaces that allow others to bear witness to their pain has by far been what my clients needed more support for and permission to do.
I support the experience of authentic joy, laughter, peace and optimism. I ALSO strongly believe we must have reverence for the difficult emotions and trust that they have value too. Otherwise the toxic positivity that you refer to will continue to take an incalculable toll on society.
Don, I wish you strength of heart to mourn. And may you find all that you need.
This does not apply to some losses!
I cannot imagine the people who have left this place before me, wanted me to suffer because they were gone.
How true Ulisse.
when I go I want people to celebrate my life not cry about my death.
💕 💞 💓yes💕 💞 💓
What a brave and lovely talk, letting go with love is the best way to go.
I needed to see this.
I love the idea of focusing on presence rather than absence. Your ability to shift your perspective and find joy is both brave and inspiring. Thank you for sharing such a personal journey.
Thank you! I'm currently working on a book about absence and presence, so I am thrilled to hear that you love the idea of this perspective. Your comments are much appreciated! - Jen
Pretty blown away by her ability to find connection and gratitude. Definitely turning the idea that grief is the only response on its head
Thanks! To me the key to finding connection and gratitude are practicing these BEFORE something challenging such as the death of someone we love happens in our lives. Then we already have the tools and can better apply them, even regarding death.
Death is inevitable. And grief, in my opinion is, too. It's just that we all go through it in a different way. Not everyone needs to cry their heart out to grief. Sometimes grief has a bitter-sweet taste of a loss and love.
Thanks for your comments here. I agree that we all respond different to death, it's just that for some of us, it's not with much sadness (aka grief). I know the word grief tends to mean the range of emotions, but I do hope that we will have new language so that the implication isn't that we all "grieve" when the word still has the connotation of sadness. I would say that sometimes our "response to death" has a bittersweet taste of loss and love! Indeed!
Awesome talk Jennifer! As a hospice nurse I couldn't agree more, but rarely do individuals understand the beautiful freedom, and inevitability of death. Most, understandably, are entombed in their own loss. I share you views on death. You're an evolved soul in this regard. Very well done. 🙏 🕉
Your talk is a powerful reminder that grief doesn't have to be the only response to death. It's liberating to think that we can choose our emotional path, even in the face of profound loss.
I am so glad that you used the word "liberating." That is precisely the point to me, that we each are free to choose our perspectives and thoughts in each moment, and that the more we talk about this topic in light of that, the more free people can be to access inner joy and peace, even in the face of death. Many thanks to you! - Jen
Her perspective makes a lot of sense to me. Life should be celebrated, not lamented... even when it's lost.
Glad you can relate, thank you!
Intelligent and compassionate talk, celebrate don't suffer!
What a beautiful and truthful perspective! I had a really great time pouring myself a glass of joy and laughter! I really appreciate this talk so much -- it gives such permission for us all to be how we really are.
I agree, I went through this and people kept saying I needed to suffer more.
Your talk has made me rethink my own beliefs about grief. It's empowering to consider that there are different ways to respond to death. Your laughter therapy sounds like a wonderful coping mechanism.
Thanks for letting me know that the talk has helped you rethink your own beliefs, and that it's been empowering for you to do that. That's something I hope we all do regularly, myself included! All the best, Jen
The most optimistic and joyful person ever!
Awwwww, shucks!
I can't believe I never considered this before. the expectations people put on us to react a certain way are enormous and it's a relief to know the emotional outcomes of tough situations aren't set in stone.
well isn't this just a little ray of sunshine. to see such a smile speak of such love and care and to still be able to see the positives after losing the love of her life.... what an absolute gem.
I find her to be very radiant.
@@conradthelegendwhite thats kind of creepy to say you know.
I love this too, truth does not hurt when its delivered with love
How many times have we heard take nothing for granted. "Its another beautiful day" everyday.
Another beautiful day, indeed!! And it's a daily practice of gratitude. Blessings to you! - Jen
Thank you for this. My husband died from MND/ALS 4.5 years ago. I find it very painful when the grief bubbles up and need a different response. I sometime can discover the silver lining and feel blessed for the 13 years we had together . Sadly the 18 months I cared for him in our home have left me somewhat emotionally battered. Will try to laugh more.
People have known death is a thing forever. And yet, we still have no clue how to talk about it.
I am currently going through what Jen describes: Why aren't I grieving when my beloved 20-year old daughter just passed? Having this paradigm shift, focusing on the connection and her presence has certainly made my response different. I must say, though, that I have a supportive community around me, which has made us both feel loved and held in their prayers. In any event, what Jen has taught us both is making my process easier to deal with. My gratitude to you, dear Sapita.
How are you know, sorry curious as my sister lost her husband.
Laughter coach sounds like the most beautiful occupation. No wonder you have such a joyous outlook, even on death 💜
Ha ha, yes it was quite fun and potent! Changed my life in many ways. Thanks for respecting and seeing how practicing laughter as a tool could influence my response to death. YAY!
As individuals we're unique and it stands to reason the way we express our grief is unique
And in my perspective, if we can shift to expressing our "response to death" rather than our grief, then people have even more permission and space to express however they respond to death, even if it isn't with as much grief as others would expect. Thanks for your comment!
So good. Yes...I have experienced how people die does effect how I tend to think and feel about their death. "Everybody croaks." Such a nice job on this talk Jen.
Thanks, Di! I appreciate your comments and encouragement ;-)
I agree Di, and Jen I adore talk too..
@@elainarogers Thank you, Elaina!
CROAKS????
Truly ONE OF THE most inspiring, beautiful TED talks I've heard. Thank you, Jennifer.
My heart is full and grateful knowing I have inspired you! Thank you so much, Avery, for taking the time to comment. - Jen
Definitely agree here!
I loved this
The willingness to transform sadness. Brilliant!
Glad you caught the "willingness" piece. It's the key. Much appreciated!
learning from each others ways of grieving seems really important to me
Yes, so true! And that we don't all "grieve" in the traditional sense of the word. So many ways to be who we are!
Actually I think it's really beautiful, all the emotions Jennifer describes having felt after her partner died - especially the grateful part. Seems like a much better way to honour someone and what you've shared.
Though there are many ways to honor someone who died, I agree that grief doesn't have to be the way we experience or show our love. We can be grateful and still deeply love the person. Just because I'm not sad doesn't mean that I don't have huge love for my beloved! That's a myth, that love = grief. Thanks for your comments.
There are many ways to respond to death. This is talk warms my heart.
Thank you Carey for taking the time to watch and comment. Much appreciated!
@@jennifermathews3633 It is an important message Jennifer, thanks for doing it.
so many ways! And we all process so differently
This is grief as semantics. We all quite clearly grieve differently.
What a graceful way to honour someone’s memory.
Thank you, Austin!
Grief is such a strange thing I find. I have had people, or experiences, I've had to grieve, I've also had to grieve choices I've made - and how that grief shows up is so different depending on where I'm at in my life.
thank you for sharing this with me
So true!
Jennifer's energy is incredibly inspiring. A beautiful way to view the end of a life but the celebration of love and connection. There are so many lessons here that I think a lot of us could use. Thank you for your honesty and bravery.
I appreciate your comments, thank you! My hope is that others will see that it’s okay that some people don’t struggle as much with death, and that a deep love for someone who died can also show up as connection and joy, not just sadness. I am grateful that people like you are open to these ideas since they are rarely discussed.
Reading the comments, it is so lovely that she engages with everyone. What a beautiful human.
And now I'm engaging with YOU! Thanks, Cedrick, for your kind words. To me, how we respond to death is all about the conversation. I wish there was an even better way to interact here! Mostly I get to engage with people in workshops and one-on-one sessions. But I love the range of people who show up here. I appreciate you taking the time to connect. - Jen
The greatest tribute you can give someone is to honour their life with joy and dignity.
Agreed!
I love this talk! I'm remembering Kate - and the beautiful love you two share!
It was clearly an incredible love.
Lost my mom 2 months ago, this helps...
What a unique perspective! It's really interesting to think about how societal expectations affect our emotional reactions to very personal events.
I wish I had seen this last year when my sister passed Laura... really powerful.
Love is the only way to think!
Thank you, Laura, for really getting it! My talk really is all about exactly what you wrote, how societal expectations affect our emotional responses to anything (in this case death, but it's about everything actually). i appreciate you taking the time to comment and articulate that. YES!!!
truth
truth
Researching what it means when you lose someone to death, grieving is only one of the options. What a wonderful story and learning this is.
Thank you, Zelda, for being part of a new cultural understanding that there are many ways to respond to death, and grief is only one of the options. So grateful to you for watching and sharing this perspective in your conversations with people in your life.
Its quite something to know that a loved one will die soon and though we know like the title says "Death is Inevitable" its still painful for those nearing death and for those who live on. While we're so involved in planning our lives and measuring our success, the realities of life sneak up on us. Something happens to keep you grounded, and if it hasn't yet there will be most likely be a time when an illusion bursts, disillusion sets in and there begins another journey. Grieving is a big part of living that comes with loss of many kinds. Thank you Jennifer for bringing light & laughter to the human journey.
Thank-you Jennifer. Completely agree with connection. Modern society is totally grief illiterate. Only when you experience a devastating loss of a loved one do you really understand. People die but the love continues. Love is what keeps us connected. However, going through the valley after death of your precious one, as painful as it is, as long as it takes, is the only way to get to the light, understanding, acceptance and connection ~love.
Yes, indeed, the love continues! For me, the love doesn't cause grief (though that's the popular message we hear), love creates connection. Exactly. And when there is connection, I don't feel the loss because I feel the presence of connection. Thank you for taking the time to make a comment! - Jen
“When someone we love dies, we’re taught to ignore most of the tools we already have for well being because we are supposed to grieve instead”. This line took me by complete surprise
I'm so curious to hear what took you be surprise about this statement. I hope the sentiment is helpful to you and others. I have found that when people encounter challenging times, they often use their tools (gratitude, refocus, find their way back to center, connect, etc.) but when it comes to death, we are taught that the only thing we are supposed to feel is grief. And therefore we aren't "supposed to" use positive tools to cope because we are expected to grieve. To me, it's important to be aware of if we are truly still experiencing grief, or if we are staying in grief because of expectations. I suggest that we can use our tools for wellbeing - whatever they are - even when dealing with death.
Its a good idea to recognise how guilt impacts how one feels.
5 stages of grief. This is a must listen, you'll be surprised by what you don't know.
Thanks for encouraging others to listen, Jonathan, so that we can support one another in our own experiences rather than boxing each other (and ourselves) into certain ideas and expectations!
"Many ways to respond to death, and grief is only one of them" Oh yeah. Great talk Jennifer!
Thanks, Kaseja. Yes, that is my main point. I appreciate you catching that and getting it!
I thought the same exactly...
I often catch myself thinking about how hard it will be to live after my partner does, how painful it will be living in a world without him, ignoring the fact that I don’t know who will go first- him or me (or maybe bath at the same time). I get so scared that I push him away to try and prevent how horrible I will feel without him and I miss out on the beautiful moments we can have right now. This is why I ended up here, watching this, and I feel like I found some space to shift this thinking.
Thanks, @mia benjamin, for your honesty about how you might be pushing your partner away at times in hopes of not feeling as much pain if he's no longer in your physical life. Such important self-awareness! To me, there is cultural conditioning that tells us the more we love someone, the more grief or despair we will ("should") feel. But in my experience, the more we love someone doesn't determine our response to death or pain. In fact, my experience is that deep love can actually support us in navigating death because we love someone so much that we support the next step on their soul's path, even if that means leaving the body. I'm so glad that you found some space around this and I hope that your love continues to deepen, knowing that you will be able to always call forth your partner's presence and all he means to you, regardless of if he's in body or spirit. All the best to you! - Jen
I find myself doing this too, it is a real eye opening perspective.
I love the idea of choosing where to focus-on absence or presence.
You said it perfectly Jenn. I lost my dad in 2010, mom 2012, daughter 2016, son 2020, and my husband of 21 years December 18, 2022. The waves keep coming, but you do ride them out. It takes time for sure. Some days it seems hard to breathe. Thanks for your wonderful talk.
You are a gifted communicator, Jen ! Your talk was fascinating ,provocative, and joyful . You are a true free soul and a natural teacher. It was wonderful to watch.
what an amazing talk, so honest.
Thank you for this beautiful talk Jennifer. It helps me to understand and accept my own emotional process after the recent death of my mother. I thought there was something wrong with me for not "grieving" enough. Much gratitude! ❣️
My mother passed recently, but she was in so much pain, I cried for the memories but happy she was now free.
I felt that way when my mother passed.
Oh Tina losing my mom was hard, I like what Jenn says here, But I also like to have a cry once in a while when something special happens and I just want to tell my mom.
all the gratitude
Certified laughter teacher, how good is this.
Ha ha, life's a trip, isn't it??
I've spent a lot of time in my life fearing the losses I'll have to go through at some point, it's very comforting to hear that there are different ways to process these experiences
Thanks for your comment. I love hearing that you may now feel better when you anticipate future losses and know that you can process the experiences in your own way. So much of the inner work we do BEFORE loss makes a huge difference. All the best to you - Jen
Eloquently spoken with pure honesty and wisdom. Thank you for taking on such a tough subject Jennifer.
Thank you, Mia, for your kind words. I appreciate the encouragement!!
This actually makes me feel more at peace with my sadness. I think I’d be insane or shallow if I was happy and laughing hysterically after finding my child dead a few months ago . I have felt the shock , anger , the depression , deep loss and the sorrow. Now- I have had a long term & deep spiritual - mindfulness practice- so much so , I have volunteered in prisons & for hospice ( certified death doula here & death vigil volunteer) and I teach mindfulness .
These practices are helping , I’m sure , and I’m grateful . I honor my heart and the pain that is present AND I am also doing all that I can to choose peace , faith , love & service and I am watching the pain transform into being a more compassionate person with a deeper sense of my Spirituality
Thank you for sharing your words and experience, Allison. My heart goes out to you, truly, as you navigate the physical loss of your child. I find that sudden deaths are a different experience entirely. I'm glad you have been practicing mindfulness meditations, and also honoring ALL of the emotions during this time of adjustment and healing. I think that's what it's all about. That we can allow ourselves to not only feel the heartache and pain, but that it's possible to choose joy and peace and love, as you've expressed here. Spirituality has played a hugs role in my journey, though I couldn't speak much about that since TEDx has rules about mentioning it. Many blessings to you and what a gift that you are of service to so many others along the way! - Jen
We have lost our child at 19. We miss him immensely everyday we don't want to ignore and not miss him. We loved his presence and that makes us so sad.
Sounds as though you push those feelings down, avoid the pain.
Happy that you grief differently if at all. :)
Hi Neko. My heart goes out to you with the loss of your child. I'm sure you loved him deeply and realize it can be heartbreaking that he's no longer here in the physical with you. Yes, missing someone can bring a feeling of connection, even though the lack of his presence brings sadness. In my experience, connecting to my beloved's presence uplifted me. I hear that you feel the absence mostly, and that can be very very difficult. I don't believe I avoided pain, but rather that I found connection to my partner, and that this connection dissolved the loss. Of course, adjusting to the physical loss is different for everyone. May you find moments of deep connection beyond the pain, and may your healing process be filled with love. Blessings, Jen
My great grandmother died recently aged 102 and her funeral was a celebration of her life rather than a sombre occasion, it was a welcome change and has made the processing a lot easier
So glad to hear that! How amazing that she lived to 102, wow. A life to be celebrated, indeed!! I hope that someday we will celebrate the life of all who die, even if they are very young or even if it was a tragic death. Not to ignore that we wish they lived longer, but to truly honor the years they had on earth and the gifts we received from them in the time they were in our physical lives. Thanks for your comment!
What an enlightened and beautiful human being! I am better for having heard these words of wisdom. Thank you!
Thank you, Gabe, for your the generosity of your words. I am so glad to have contributed to your wellbeing! - Jen
Same here, what a beautiful and whole perspective to have
@@jeansammy I'm honored to be supportive to others by sharing my experience. Thank you for your comment!
@@jennifermathews3633 very welcome Jennifer!!!
In a world where everything we want is at the touch of a button, not being able to have access to someone we love so easily is almost unthinkable and when it happens, our world falls apart. People are living longer and longer; we even have control over how the natural world impacts us for most part. I believe it is going to be harder for people to accept death in generations to come. Inner exploration is becoming a lost art.
Interesting point, Alex. Indeed, inner exploration is such a key piece to how to respond to death. I too wonder if death will be easier or harder to face over time, for future generations. I have seen that more people - including younger people in their teens, 20s, and early 30s - are considering and thinking about death and dying more than ever. There has been a shift in willingness to have conversations about death, which is hopeful. My hope is that people will begin to see that they can have access to their loved ones on a different level after death, and that even though they can't call or FaceTime them, they can still connect. I find connection to be an antidote for loss, but as you say, people need to tend to their inner life to get there. Thanks for your thought-provoking comments! - Jen
@@jennifermathews3633 This response gave me tingles. I hope for a world like this in the future for me and the people I love.
It's so cool to come across stuff like this, I think we're really entering an age where people are freely questioning the societal programming and "expected" response to things. Maybe it's a reflection of us connecting to our emotions and actually being brave enough to feel them and act accordingly
You totally get it! Yes, it's about questioning societal messages and expectations. To truly reflect and be more aware of our emotions and what is genuine for us. Thanks for commenting!
These kinds of teachings could really change the future for our children and how they navigate grief. It would be light a weight off society's shoulders.
Wow, thank you!! I do hope that more and more young people will allow themselves to have their own experiences, despite societal messages and conditioning about death. And that young people talk about these topics and develop inner skills before they actually need to. Your comments are much appreciated!
What's implied here, but not explicitly stated, is that we can continue the relation and even communications with our loved ones, after transition. There are many accounts of those who have experienced this. Perhaps a new normal for our culture --as it existed certainly in past indigenous cultures. In acknowledgment of this aspect, in those times, the passing was a celebration of new beginnings and opportunities.
Yes!! That concept would be too spiritual for this venue, though a connection after death is absolutely my experience and contributed to my gratitude and joy. Thank you for stating that here. May we all have more and more conversations about this continuation of relationship in new forms!
Great talk to learn how to grieve and laugh, to smile and cry, to live and love, what a great talk.
Thank you for taking the time to comment! Much appreciated!
This really comes down to our first experiences with death I think because often it's our grandparents that are the first to go and I think if your parents has had a difficult relationship with them - as most of us do with our parents - then there could be all sorts of unresolved feelings that are coming to the surface and prevent them from having any kind of productive conversation around it, which can be especially jarring if your parent isn't normally emotional like that.
Yes, we totally learn from our parents responses, I agree! I recall going to Catholic wakes with my family, and the elders would sob and sob, and it was clear that this was expected. And I remember feeling like I was supposed to be sad when we thought my great-grandma was going to die when I was 7. (She lived until I was 19, by the way). I didn't feel sad, but I got the cue from my mom that I should feel sad and upset by someone dying. I'm lucky to have had my actual grandparents all alive until they were in their 90s (and I was in my 30s and 40s).
I really admire the courage Jennifer has here - it can't be easy to say something like "I wasn't heartbroken when my partner died" knowing just how much that opens you up for criticism and judgement.
I did not expect this, really moving and emotionally intellectual presentation.
this caught me, not what I expected.
Yes, I had something different in mind too.
It was really incredible
Oh Jennifer this is just so beautiful!! I've lost a few friends over the years, all by their own hand - and I must say, every time I've chosen to look at it as if they are finally free and just being so grateful for the beautiful mark they've left in my life. The way you celebrate the essence of Kate is absolute magic, I hope that more people see this talk and realise how important this process is. Amazing.
Thank you, Ursula, for sharing your experience. I’m so grateful that my perspective resonated with you and that you see value in reframing how we look at death. I’m glad to know you carry that message forward as well! And yes, so essential to remember the beauty your friends brought into your life. Be well, Jen
I admire your strength and ability to find joy even after such a loss...
So much truth; we cannot let grief consume us.
it's not this easy for some people though...
@@eddysgarage True, it's not easy for many people. I do believe that, once we experience the depth of emotions, we can become aware of if our thoughts are making it even more difficult. So important to release emotions and let ourselves feel what we feel - including deep sadness. And equally important to catch ourselves "feeding our feelings" with thoughts that spiral us into more sadness.
Yes, not letting it consume us is a good way to put it. Feeling it and then transforming it is possible and in the realm of most people's possibilities.
what a fabulous speaker! and her perspective, her journey through grief is so very beautiful and VALID. reading some of these comments broke my heart a little, not every one feels and processes the same way. some of us were born to see the good in everything, no matter what - that includes death. nothing lasts forever, the only thing we can count on being consistent is change. and this lady sees the positives in this. loved this talk so much!!
Thank you, Katya, for truly seeing me and that my experience is real and valid. Sounds like you can relate! I appreciate the encouragement. Means the world to me! :-)
Awesome comment.
This caught me off guard, but as I listened I think I just began to see what I knew already. Good TED.
its a perfect talk.
I like this a lot. So many people think the only reason to not feel upset by a death is because you didn't actually like them that much but I think it's much healthier to approach death in this way. It is a natural part of life, not like anything horrible has happened to them that they have to live through. Plenty of worse things than death.
Yes, exactly, people tend to think if someone isn't sad enough, they weren't close to the person or didn't really love them. We tend to buy into this, and then we believe that we need to hold on to the sadness because we loved the person, and that no longer being sad shows disloyalty or dishonoring. Part of my hope is that people see that it's okay to accept death in a deep way as part of life and find our way to presence and gratitude. Thank you!
I've always believed that there's no 'right' way to grieve. Your story reinforces that idea.
Thanks for your comment! Exactly, when we get past the idea of "grieving" as the only way, we can open up to more genuine responses to death for ourselves and others.
Wise and mind-opening. Amazing that at 62 I could learn more about my favorite thing to do: to laugh!
Thank you! And yes, keep laughing ;-)
I can relate to this. Always the one with the smile to help everyone else process. You are a joy to watch Jennifer and I really appreciated hearing your story.
Thank you, Agnes, for your kind words. I’m glad the talk was meaningful for you.
@@jennifermathews3633 it helped me Jennifer, more than you know :)
@@agnespuentes Thank means the world to me! Big love to you.
Congratulations to Jennifer for wisdom beyond her years.
Life changes when you've experienced the kind of love Jennifer has. It makes you believe in things you never used to and carry that love into everything you do... So I'm not surprised that her reaction to her partner passing also comes from a place of gratitude and love
@diggerreese5270 Yes yes yes!! Your response is likely the #1 MOST accurate and affirming one I've ever received! Thank you for truly getting it and articulating it so well :-) Sounds like you have experienced great love as well.