This Will Change How You Think About Attachment Styles
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- čas přidán 15. 03. 2023
- I found the simplest, coolest way of approaching attachment styles recently, and it completely changed how I think about things.
It’s based on a model that was developed by psychologists Kim Bartholomew and Leonard Horowitz, who theorized that the four attachment styles (secure, anxious, avoidant, and fearful) could be defined based on just two questions:
1. Does the person have a positive or negative view of themselves?
2. Does the person have a positive or negative view of other people?
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Did you find this helpful? How do you think about attachment styles?
I found the suggestions very helpful, and gave me hope for future growth.
Before you mentioned it my thought was "but I attach differently to different groups/types of people" so I'm glad that was a thing. I know mine absolutely has to do with stark differences between my parents of how "safe" & reliable they were.
This is excellent. I would consider myself as a teen/young adult as anxiously attached-lite (a little CPSTD from neglected childhood but not severely) at 18 I had a good relationship with my 1st boyfriend who was secure. And then a rather independent 20s-30s where I would say I shifted to a secure style. Just through good relationships and coming into my own and improving self esteem (all without ever hearing the terms attachment style or CPTSD). Now after a long term relationship with an avoidant spouse, I would say I’ve slipped back to anxious. So interesting that you indicate that we can change- just from you description, I can see that’s what happened to me. And the suggestion about anxious types learning to be comfortable being on your own- whenever I would be upset during a rocky patch of my marriage, I would imagine living on my own again and taking care of myself (because I had done so for years and knew I could do it successfully) and just imagining myself independent again would calm me- I would feel instantly peaceful. From my experience, everything you said seems bang on. This is very useful, thank you
Really helpful, I've read and watched lots about attachment. Trying to work on it but this helps a lot. The underlying beliefs are myself and others bit is an ah ha moment! And a you explain gives direction to how to work on it. I'd love a more in depth video on this although a lot to work with here already!
Thank you for your genuinely helpful work 😊
I have all of them. Secure in my relationship with my long-suffering partner, but unable to trust myself or others, or how I interact with others. I didn't even have a chaotic family home. Just being the weird kid who got bullied a lot, and was socially avoidant from as long as I can remember of anyone who remotely seemed unsafe, child or adult.
I have a very secure relationship with my three cats. I am extremely avoidant of the rest of society 🤦
This was actually spot on for me and so easy to understand 👍
You are comfortable with the cats because cats lean avoidant, I suspect. Possible you are allergic to anxious dogs. Although dogs, like cats, are actually just secure normally.
Well that turned into a rabbit hole, no pun intended. 😂
Haha 😂I can relate.
i have Anxious Attachment
And i'd like to say that forcing myself to Hike Out to the Forest and Solo Camping has really been a Huge Confidence Booster in my Ability to be Self Reliant
I want to point out the importance of keeping only people in your life that are reliable and that make your life better.
It's impossible to feel secure, when there are toxic people in our lives.
When we exclude these toxic people from our lives, we naturally start to trust more onto others.
PREACH 🙂
Forrest. This is the first video I’ve ever seen of yours. But you had more valuable content in this video than the last dozen videos I have seen on attachment theory. So balanced, and approaching things from all angles. Also the emphasis that a person can move on the chart, as opposed to treating it like a permanent condition a person can never change. Fantastic video. Even the helpful tip for fearful types about grounding to the current moment as being safe - awesome… I can already think of a handful of people I can help with that tip. Thanks again!
This video was extremely helpful and easy to understand. I think attachment styles are very helpful in understanding relationship dynamics. I am securely attached and on a bad day I tend to be anxious/avoident. I hardly go to the fearful end unless I am depressed.
haha me going "nope" for both questions
Great video and very compassionate. One problem with videos on other channels on the fearful attachment style is the comments are usually full of angry people convinced their ex has this attachment style, shaming anyone similar. I'd like to see those comments removed so that people with this attachment style including me can get more help and support. It's very painful and difficult to navigate but something I'd love to overcome.
Absolutely, even some of the video creators or “experts” on the subject have made me feel like a terrible person incapable of ever properly loving for having a fearful attachment style. It’s ridiculous. I like how he says here that it’s largely about reminding ourselves we are safe. Another said how the positive with this style is that we understand where the other is coming from when they’re either anxious or avoidant since we relate to both. I have a less negative view of myself and others since I’ve started really working on myself but there is still a general distrust. The eye opener for me was realizing how much I distrusted myself. Trying to fix that by being more disciplined and actually following through on the things I know is good for me.
I love this! I consider myself a recovering anxious attacher, as I don't feel the need to believe I'll ever totally rewire my brain, but there's so far I can go with my growth. I've made amazing progress just in the last year and your podcast was absolutely a valuable resource for me!!
This is a very easy explanation. Now I got to understabd the different attachment styles
Thank you for such a simple and clear explanation. This is great … and as you said it comes with advice on what to do. 🙏🏻
I really liked this breakdown / perspective...all but how you labeled your axes on your graph 🙃 (convention: positive is to the right and up, negative to the left and down)
I like the addition that you can have more than one style especially with different groups
That one is a rlly important note
One of the BEST videos I've ever watched on This topic, thanks.
Really cool explanation, so simple to understand and work with
This is my favorite CZcams video on this topic. My therapist also likes keeping it simple, with the islands, waves, and anchors model. Well done 🙂👍🏾
Love your content ❤ I still have no idea which Attachment Style I am. I do not know if I am positive or negative.. It really depends on a given day.
This way of understanding attachment types is so simple & common sense, it helped me realize my type when I first heard it, almost a year ago, on Heidi Preibe's channel (the 1st mental health youtube channel I explored. She's great! Mainly covers attachment& MB personality traits from what I've seen.)
Definitely possible to have different attachment types with different ppl/ different relationship roles ... not every relationship dynamic triggers our trauma!
Very cool, hadn't heard of her before.
This was very helpful, thank you! It was very powerful to reframe it in a way of positive or negative opinion of self. I never looked it in that way. I was only focusing on that my needs and desires and boundaries were neglected and badly treated as a kid, and I just got used to it, come to expect that people who are in my family act like that and it is normal. Indeed, this whole dynamics set it up that I had indeed a negative view of myself, that prevented setting up boundaries and allowing others to mistreat me. It has been excruciatingly hard to eradicate 40 years of programming. My partner is an extreme dismissive avoidant, which made it easier to recognize when I'm slipping back to old patterns, and also forced myself to rely 100% on just myself and nobody else. I feel a hundred times better now.
What a fantastic, yet simple, way to explain attachment.
Forrest, this really helped, and I already knew a lot about attachment styles. Please do more of these videos where it’s just you explaining a topic you’ve researched.
Thank you. This really simplified it all for me. The more I study psychology, the more I realise how everything is about dichotomies and how wellbeing is found at the meeting point of those two opposing ends.
Thank you, Forrest, for taking time to articulate these valuable insights and "simplified" model of attachment styles. Lots of rich content you share here. Blessings, GV
Loved this video. Never seen a better more simple and useful sharing on the topic. Thank you, Forrest!
explained very well thanks Forrest!
This made the concept so clear, thank you!
I love this model! Very simple, educative and compassionate towards all styles! The awareness we all needed. Thank you!
Wow! you made this so easy and clear. Thank you!!
Super helpful! Best video I have seen on this subject yet. Thank you!
Positive of myself. Negative of others. I'm an Avoidant.
Thank you for the simplified explanation
Thank you. i've listened to you and your Dad's Pocast. You have an excellent way of articulating the information. It was concise and well done.
excellent content, well explained, and easy to use. Thank you!
Spot on! Would appreciate getting more information
on the complexity of attachment styles!
This was great! Thank you!
Clear and concise- thx!
This was helpful to understand the different attachment styles!
This is what I needed thank you
Good diagram , thank you for sharing ❤
Thank you. I liked your presentation very much. Your delivery was easy to receive. And what a bonus that it was encouraging, too!
Thank you!
So if I’m fearful, and I start loving myself more, I can slide into being avoidant?
Excellent🎉! Thank you…
Really clear!
Wow so much easier to comprehend thank u
This is brilliant!
Thanks for this insightful view of attachment theory. John Bowlbys model seems too rigid although Childhood bonding obviously sets a pattern of behaviours in relating.
Childhood neglect does lead towards poor views of yourself and others along with a disposition towards anxiety. Nothing is set in stone, we can change our styles, sometimes it takes therapy, sometimes enough positive things and people show up and helps you change. Also you can be a combination like anxious avoidant or anxious fearful plus it depends on circumstances and how the other person is. I had little to no parental bonding, had inferiority feelings throughout my teens and on into mid life but today I'm much more secure. I can switch between secure- avoidant and even fearful.
My partner also was very changeable, mostly anxious avoidant. I've struggled over 20 years to have a secure relationship but she's unwilling to work on things to commit or admit there's any issues on her side. I ended that relationship finally as we just couldn't reach compatability. Thanks for sharing this model it's a lot simpler and more realistic.
I like this model. I’m a painful combo because of having chronic illness early on. I feel like I would be avoidant and then more secure, but I am working on resource trauma.
Life saving !!!!
Thanks
Very helpful, ty
Great vid! ❤
This is a great way to understand and apply self-learning to increase interpersonal flow. I wonder if there's research on how affordances impact attachment styles or vice versa.
This was a great way of showing it 😊👌🏻
Thank you!
Perfect!
I think you can add to your list of attributes, ‘Mind Reader!
This is exactly what I was also searching for! A simple formula, which doesn’t simplify the complexity of the topic, but is helpful for categorizing🙏🙏🙏
🪲 Your Podcast was Super Helpful & I subscribed🥰 Can you talk about ‘Family Members That Suffocate’???
NOTE: I would remove the plant above your head on the top shelf behind you….’The Tone & Hue’ are close to your hair color so they become one😘
I think your last comment about having a different attachment style with other people than with your primal care givers sounds very true to me. Then, why all this fuss about the attachment style which is so dependent on the environment you live in..how one could change their attachment style if the environment remains unchanged?
I'm surprised you just learned about the self/others grid, I've long thought of that as the whole basis for organization of the concept.
Super helpful and I can definitely relate, also the formula does certainly depict each type accurately! How to you not have at least 100k subs, I was shocked after watching. gl out there
Thanks Paul!
So what should people who have an unstable view of themselves and others do? I tend to swing around between an avoidant attachment style (that's my main one) and an anxious one (in matters of romance or when feeling lonely). Seldomly, and for short periods of time I can feel secure aswell, but that's (neigh?) always before my mental health dips and I'm stuck in fearful mode for a while, where I'm neither at ease with myself, nor with my surroundings.
It's kind of disorientating, since my views and needs are constantly shifting, and thus my approach to things and my priorities. I've been seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist for a while now, and they have no indication to believe that I'm bipolar or have borderline PD. How to best approach such a thing?
Attachment styles can overlap
Kind of depends in your definition of "positive view" of yourself/ other people. really king of vague. Can you be more exact?
3:56 *Independence
So using your graph perhaps those styles that plot closest are zero are the most balanced? Also perhaps the best style is the one that agrees most with reality. Which of the styles is most likely to be able to adapt to reality, I wonder?
I have a very high standard of myself but less dependent on others but I cannot be avoidant because I will do whatever for love. I love love, marriage, relationships, communication, showing and receiving love...i love it all. I am known for being expressive, compassionate, affectionate etc etc. I also have a high expectation on partners to meet my basic requirements. so how am I avoidant on this occassion?
But saying this I am soo good alone and also so happy to be in a relationship. But, during the relationship, when my meets arent met I become anxious and quite angry too. I complain alot and I will point out every little and big thing my partner isnt doing.
What attachment style do I have?
I am you. You are me. Did you figure it out?
I know my husband is toxic and narcissistic but how can it be that I rather be with him then without him bc I don’t want to feel alone? I feel it’s not exactly like that but what it do is I don’t know. Also I sound the most like secure attachment now. Wow. Couple years earlier it was very different.
Hot and cold crew here! FA attachment, BPD... boom... chaotic :') I prefer to be alone now.
Could be stated even more simply . All attachment is a result of fear and it’s basis is the flagging in consciousness of double vision. As in cognitive dissonance from seeing but not believing because our true knowing refuses to accept unreality . All attachment styles arise from fear and are coping mechanisms to deal with the cognitive dissonance of thinking you know while knowing you don’t.
Until one learns to utilize the energy arising to go beyond coping and emoting the cycle of birth and death repeats without relief from suffering. Peace is not a result of suffering it is what underlies and encompasses suffering. It is found in acceptance of Self and Self Knowledge is the resolution of all defending coping and attachment.
Nice hair!
🤣
My attachment style is passionate and controlling I am dysfunctional
hm guess i'm fearful or avoidant
my narcissistic ex was a vulnerable and covert narcissist his is negative and negative. The reason I put up with his abuse for so long and dysfunction was because mine is positive and positive. I kept trying to believe the best in him, and I was secure enough in myself to be OK. People say you put up with abuse because you don’t believe you’re worthy, but in many cases, I knew I was worthy and that’s what kept me from being so attached unhealthily. But it definitely wore me down but I think innately I have secure attachment, but I think I can also look back and see where I needed validation by proving that I could give unconditional love too. I definitely took on codependency and we all know attachment changes, and I think changes from relationship to relationship.
I like this model because it’s as simple and straightforward as the DISC personality test .
Disorganized attachment style is the one with most cognitive dissonance.
Didn't see that one in this vid.
It’s the same as Fearful Avoidant.
Is there some way of stopping objective reality from preventing you changing your view of yourself or others? Like, when you self-hypnotize you into believing you're self-reliant, but then objective reality comes in and demonstrates that you are actually not? Or when you repeat to yourself that others are trustworthy but then, again, objective reality kicks in and they turn they back to you?
'You're one of them & don't get to pick'
Well, how about being skewed/pulled/forced from one to another?
Say being a secure, getting hooked with an avoidant and taking on much more of the anxious taits?
Deffo happened to me
There should be another axis. Whether you believe in God or not? Believe in higher order / COSMOS. I've seen people who don't rely on other people or themselves, they just let the Cosmos guide them.
Over simplified and not including the nuances which are critical