Finding out that I'm autistic feels like the final piece of information I needed to start living a better life...at the age of 49. I've been trying to find my "tribe" for years now because I never felt like I fit in and/or people seemed to keep me at arm's length (flat affect doesn't help with the socializing, though I feel like I am smiling). I'm optimistic that I will find my circle soon. I'm expecting that I'm going to fine tune things and really come to life.
Would love to have you as part of my online community if you're interested! You can try it for free here: mots.circle.so/checkout/mom-on-the-spectrum-community-membership
I'm late diagnosed at 49, just a few weeks ago! I feel exactly the same, the diagnosis is like a lens through I can now see everything, my childhood, my studies, my career, my love life, where I live and how I live. It's an OMG NOW it all makes sense!! Best of luck! I'm gonna kick life now.... 😂
I feel the same! I’m almost 30 and only got diagnosed a month ago. Though I’ve been on a huge self discovery journey over the past 9 months since the suspicion that I might be Autistic was raised. I love and relate so much to this community ❤
What I’m struggling with, is that I can’t speak to anyone about all the things I find out about myself. All the groundbreaking information. What I’m struggling every single day. People say things like everyone struggles with that in some ways. But it’s not the same.
The hiking with a pebble analogy is really great. Like, everybody's feet hurt when hiking over rocks, but not everybody has them inside their shoe. Stepping on a pebble once may not seem too bad, but repeated over an entire hike, it makes the difference between a calloused or bloody foot. If everyone's gaslighting you into thinking you don't need to stop and take the pebble out, you're gonna wind up with a bloody foot.
Content creators like yourself have been more helpful than the medical community in solving my mysterious health issues. I am 39 and just spent most of my 30's in burnout. I saw dozens of doctors/therapists/psychiatrists and spent thousands of dollars trying to figure out a weird set of symptoms that didn't quite fit the symptoms of depression. I am a high masking female and thought I was could be autistic back in college but I decided that wasn't possible because I was overly empathetic. I had a lot of misconceptions about autism. I thought the spectrum was autistic on the left side and "normal" on the right side. I ended up deciding that I was on the spectrum, but I was even further to the right of normal in some sort of HSP category. All I knew was that I wasn't normal. Thia year, I ended up in a burnout bad enough that I got a diagnosis of bipolar and BPD. That didn't seem right so I did a deep dive and ended up finding the ND community here then on tiktok. Even though I am sure that I found my answer and that I'm AuDHD, I question it because I self diagnosed. I know that I don't qualify for an ADHD diagnosis and I don't have enough information from my childhood to be able to get an official autism diagnosis. It's causing a bit of imposter syndrome but finding this answer and accommodating myself is quickly improving my mental health and alleviating my burnout. Everyone sharing their experiences has been a lifesaver for me. Thank you all so much.
Your story is almost identical to mine! Except that I have a son who was diagnosed autistic as a toddler 10 years ago. I didn’t realize until last year that he got it from ME because I was high masking. I had a successful career and was called a “social butterfly” so how could I possibly be autistic?? I had a LOT to learn about the female presentation, and TikTok helped tremendously. I am still only self-diagnosed but at least I have the full support of my therapist and my husband. My parents and sister? Not so much. Because they don’t want to see their OWN neurodivergence. So complicated. I’m glad you and I found this community for support and encouragement! Hugs, friend! Without touching! 😂
@@KTplease The first few sentences of your post could have been written by me. I took online quizzes for autism and scored low, and then I took a masking quiz and scored really high. I'm still in the process of thinking it through. Thanks for sharing!
I feel this so hard. Specifically the imposter syndrome. I feel so guilty when people gaslight me into thinking I'm making a bigger deal out of things than necessary. I start to believe them, and then I come back to places like this and remember I'm not "making it up" and no not "everyone is a little autistic". Don't give up! Self diagnosis is perfectly valid, and we support you!
I’m 70 and have suspected since the 90s when I started working with autistic preschoolers. During our trainings I resonated and would think, “That happens to me.” Or “I experience that.” But I was told that it was all symptoms of childhood abuse. I was diagnosed with PTSD which is true but I think lots of us with autism have PTSD because we are easy targets. By the time I learned about synesthesia which I have had as long as I can remember (my hands are drawn to pain in someone’s body because I can hear it; etc) I wasn’t saying anything to anyone. Now my daughter is a therapist who works with a lot of neurodivergent and/or non-binary people. I broached the subject with her last year, saying, “I think I might be neurodivergent. “ Her response was, “oh mom I am so glad that you have figured it out.” She had no intention of ever telling me what she had known for years because she didn’t know if it would offend me. So I’ve been watching videos and taking the tests. I’m always shocked when the scores are so high! But now I have so much grace for myself and even forgiveness for all the department heads and heads of schools who let me go because I was “not a good fit.” I wasn’t and it wasn’t my fault or theirs. We don’t fit in boxes. No more shame. I came out to a woman who heads up a church group where I volunteer. I stepped into a bigger role at the beginning of 2024 and have struggled to learn all the ins and outs and get it right week after week. It’s been so hard. When I told her she took my face in her hands and said, “omgoodness, that makes so much sense!” She realized she gives me off hand directions when I need explicit ones. My best friends, a small group, have all agreed with what I am calling my informal diagnosis. My life makes so much more sense now! Such a relief.
My journey started ten years after my son was diagnosed autistic as a toddler. TikTok showed me clips of women saying “Things I didn’t know were signs of autism” and they were all ME! I knew I was “quirky” (rubbing soft fabric for comfort, picking scalp and bottoms of feet, tweezing leg hair, sensory overwhelm etc) but never considered that I was anything other than “weird”. I’m so thankful for TikTok making me curious, sending me on a long research and self discovery journey. I’m now proudly self diagnosed AuDHD and I’m taking good care of my nervous system, happier than ever. 😊
4:02pm - my aha moment was when you said you sit in your car for an hour trying to transition into the store and that after an hour you sometimes drive away….i had no idea other people did that
So, I was diagnosed by the YT algorithm at age 28. I had thought I might be autistic several times before but because my presentation is more internal/„female“ and info in the early 2000s was more „male-centric“ I always dismissed my suspicion. cut back to 2018, YT suggested a video by some australian psychiatrist specializing in autism in females and MY MIND WAS BLOWN cause suddenly my life made so much more sense! I have since gotten my official diagnosis but honestly, my own research into strategies and accomodations and just the community of autistic people in general is MUCH more helpful than anything the medical community had to offer so far.
I haven't been officially diagnosed so far, but treating myself as autistic and learning about it has helped so much! Last year all the therapists thought I had depression, and treated me like that even though I mentioned that I do not feel depressed but expercience burnout. Their treatment just made things worse and I found out that it is "just" a full blown autistic burnout. I put my therapist on hold, not sure I will go back to her, and focus on rest, energy management (especially with people) and education about autism now.
The “Females And Autism/Asperger’s: A Checklist” by Samantha Craft (which can be found online) was probably my biggest piece of research evidence I initially showed to my doctor. I explained how almost all of the check points resonated with me and that helped put me on the waitlist to see an adult autism specialist to proceed with getting my official diagnosis. I luckily had a female family doctor assisting my primary male family doctor, because she was very open to understanding how (then) Asperger’s presented differently in women and she helped me move forward.
I think I randomly clicked on a CZcams video talking about autism, and I began to recognize my husband in the descriptions. We have since decided that he is definitely autistic. But during the course of my learning about autism so that I can better understand my husband, it occurred to me that I am very much autistic as well. This revelation has been a lot of relief for me. It’s been like a veil has been lifted from my eyes. Like you, I’m learning compassion for myself, as I learn to accommodate myself, instead of trying to hammer a square peg into a round hole. It’s been a journey that only just came about this year, my 59th year of life. I don’t do TikTok.
Watching Paul Micellof talking about the 64 or so typical autistic traits, of which jarringly many were me exactly, then taking the AQ test (38 out of 50--again JARRING), then reading books about it, taking tests on autism from other sources (utter unanimity by every test: "Significantly high on the spectrum"), continuing to watch multiple channels like yours, and, MOST of all, a whole lifetime's worth of experiences flooding back to my mind's (and heart's) eye and making utter SENSE like they'd never managed to before. Precisely because I realized I'd never been able to plug into the neurotypical matrix, and I instantly knew what "masking" was the moment I heard it described. I knew it viscerally. I'd suffered from it viscerally. For a lifetime. It was all so obvious. And I've never watched TikTok in my life, so the whole thing about somehow getting TikToked into it is a total non-starter.
I followed the same algorithm. I am 69, with a 42 year old with autism, a grandson and a granddaughter with autism, but never realized until I watched the 64 traits Paul put on CZcams.
Yup me too, so well described. I'm 56 and a stark eye opener was looking at my long cv with gaps plus, as you so well said, reflecting back on a lifetime worth of experiences.
I think there is a final hurdle with an autism diagnosis, and that is accepting that you have something that is generally regarded as a disability/you are something that is generally regarded as disabled. Without a diagnosis (or if you are still at the self-diagnosed stage) you have some uncertainty, in which, perhaps, if you just find the right routine or something, life will magically become easier for you. Maybe the right exercises will "cure" you.
Taylor, I finally contacted a local provider who conducts ASD assessments for adults...I've gone 58 years being gaslit about what's going on with me...misdiagnosed, mismedicated...ended up having to go through the painful process of recognizing I could no longer function in the work world and achieve SSDI status...which took two rejections and finally going in front of a judge...Having to search until I found information that told me that, yes...I have typical signs of autism in a woman....And now I have to pay over $2000USD out of pocket in order to /maybe/ get a confirmation from a doctor...While living on SSDI payments and unable to work. That is a huge ask. It is outrageous and I'm trying not to completely go over the edge into the deep end of the pool just thinking about it. So so SO frustrating!!! Thanks for letting me vent.
Well, TikTok has shown me that Autistics can live the best life, and the more content that gets made, the more awareness there is, the more acceptance there is!
The idea's been floating around in my head for a while, Jaiden Animation's "I found out I have ADHD" led me down the rabbit hole. I started rethinking my entire life, finding old videos, report cards and talking to caretakers. I think the moment I was like "Oh, this could be an actual thing" is when I read how undiagnosed autistic girls are described by guardians and peers growing up. It was like a list of how I've been described my entire life.
@@ShadoeLandman Been wandering if i could have ADHD or it's just overlapping traits plus executive dysfunction hitting hard. Currently going through the longest summer break Ive had in my entire life and it's been awful. Can't do almost anything without structure and can't mantain structure on my own. Thank god Im starting a summer theater course in a week. :)
Approximately 6 years ago, it happened when I met an autist in a FB group. In order to understand her better and my natural curiosity, I came across a quiz. My results catapulted me into a deeper dive. While sitting saying, "I do that" watching numerous YT videos. My personal algorithm in life at 61 y.o., I realized in as much as I'd enjoy being in a partnership, the dynamics can be exhausting as I need so much alone time
TikTok didn't impact me, but getting a new therapist who happens to be autistic certainly did! Knowing about my ADHD and executive function issues, and knowing how much those can overlap with autism, I asked her about ASD in one of our first sessions. Everything she said matched up so perfectly with my experiences now and when I was younger. That kicked off my (currently) four-month-long research journey. Talking with relatives to get more insight into what I was like when I was younger was also a *huge* eye opener. I'm currently not formally diagnosed so I'm having trouble fully internalizing the idea, but hopefully I can cut through the red tape soon and get some answers. In the meantime, so much of the advice and coping strategies from channels like yours has worked wonders. I've made more progress in a few months with this therapist than I did in years with my previous ones.
Thanks for this video! My inner critic’s favorite way to invalidate myself is by saying being autistic is a social media and/or Gen Z trend. Your way of explaining the algorithm I think can help me combat this thinking! Sometimes I mistake my experience or bubble for everyone’s experience and discredit it. Thanks for reminding me it’s just the algorithm and I’m valid ❤
If you are a student check your high school/college and see if there is any kind of neurodivergent club/support group. Oftentimes groups like these will allow you to experience some degree of interaction with professionals. If your school does not have such an option, look into starting one. I've done it twice now in two different cities and both times have been very rewarding, surprisingly easy, and in high demand. As was mentioned in the video, the best way for you to combat your imposter syndrome is to turn your interactions with autism from passive (sitting there endlessly watching TikTok shorts) to active (seeking out, communicating, and interacting with other people on the spectrum.)
I don't remember exactly what I was initially looking for, but it wasn't Autism. I saw one of my recommendations was a video listing out traits of Autism, and every single one in the thumbnail WAS ME! My jaw hit the floor, and I had more Autism related recommendations. I watched at least 10, if not more, videos of Autistic traits. Each video had a list from 10 to 20 traits, and I resonated with all but maybe 3 to 5 traits listed in the videos. Obviously there were repeats in the lists, but that was still insane enough to me for me to go down the research rabbit hole. It was extremely obvious that I was Autistic at that point, especially after analyzing my entire life, and not just looking at traits.
I was trying to figure out why I was so burnout all the time, so I looked up videos on CZcams. An autism burnout video popped up (I can’t remember the creator’s channel name) and realized that was me… My entire life!! I cried so hard, but when I was done, it was like the tears washed away most of the negative thoughts about myself. I’m 46 years old and for the first time I can look in the mirror and not hate who’s looking back.
Thank you Taylor! Those who worry that we are finding “too many autistic people” must certainly not themselves be savants… If the CDC estimates a global rate of 1% and the highest suggested US rate is less than 2.8%, how is less than 3 out of 100 so many as to worry them? Talk about a very small minority! ( I JUST rechecked current suggested rates)
I began my trip down the research rabbit hole, seeking out autism content, after a psychiatrist I saw told me my BPD diagnosis was incorrect & I was in fact autistic. At the time, I couldn't afford the official assessment, so I was left to myself to work out by myself whether I agreed with his opinion, which took awhile but eventually I did. I have autistic content creators to thank for that realisation, because if it weren't for the perspectives of other late-diagnosed autistics, particularly AFAB people, I don't think I'd have ended up recognising my autistic traits. That was in around 2017, & I'm only just pursuing a formal assessment now, because I've finally saved enough money. Thank you for this video, & your channel. ❤
I remember when I was in college back in the early 00s learning abt autism as a psychology major- that it was predominant in boys and that girls rarely had it. I distinctly remember my psychology prof saying "we don't know why autism is more prevalent in boys...." It's crazy how far we have come in the field of psychology in just 2 decades.
My first clue was when I went back to the office after working at home during the pandemic, and I found myself overwhelmed. Then, when I asked permission to work more from home, and they told me no, I basically went into meltdown mode - I could feel my communication system shutting down. I wish I could say my aha moment was something happy!😒
This is so relatable. I had such a strong reaction to the return to work process and especially how arbitrary and unjust I felt it was. I didn't put two and two together like you did though. When I got my ADHD diagnosis a year later, I had the evaluator put "option to work from home" on the list of my accommodations.
This came at this right time for me. My aha moment was hearing someone describe their autistic meltdowns and realizing that’s what I’ve been experiencing, not “normal” panic attacks
I'll never let naysayers convince me I'm not autistic because my first reactions to self diagnosis were to be offended and distraught. It's not a cool trend. It's just my reality and I knew from looking into it that it was the truth whether I liked it or not. I'm still working on my ableism, mainly by processing my experiences out loud and reminding myself to be a non-judgmental observer
I can say that it wasn't TikTok because I don't have TikTok. Over the last 10 years I had wondered on and off if I was autistic but had a stereotypical view of what autism was (and didn't realise that I had sensory issues at the time) so each time I would go no that my meltdowns were being caused because of interpersonal issues. I also had a friend on Facebook that would repost autism infographics and thought it was interesting that I could relate to so much of it but just thought it was overlap with other diagnoses that I had been given. When Sia's movie 'Music' came out I was then binging info about it and started following some of those autistic creators and that was when it became more no I really do relate to most of what these people are saying and then sort out a diagnosis.
My moment of realization was watching a video of yours about ADHD/Autism when I was in the process of my ADHD diagnosis. I had never heard of another person learning to play multiple musical instruments the same way I did. I felt such a deep resonance with your experience. To this day, I feel a strong sense of gratitude for you sharing your experience and giving me that personal insight 💜
Thank you for helping me surface this! I got diagnosed with ADHD at age 35 shortly after my kids got diagnosed. Found your videos after looking into some CZcams content for ADHD and after a half-dozen online quizzes, I’m 100% sure that I’m autistic. Very similar story to yours. High-functioning, masking expert. Knowing I was different but was always searching as to why. I feel sorry for all my counselors, friends, parents and ex-wife for not knowing what they were up against. But I’m grateful for this knowledge to better raise my kids.
Whenever I first discovered your videos, I had been feeling different not necessarily in a bad way, but just different from everybody else. I never voiced this concern with anybody ever before or set it allowed period. One day I opened CZcams, and one of your videos was the first thing in my feed I clicked on it. I discovered that my masking and stemming was normal for somebody on the spectrum. Among many other things, that was my aha moment. Thank you for sharing your journey, and intern enlightening mine.
I always knew something was different about me. And I've been searching for the answer since I was 20 (31 now). The moment for me, was learning that you can be autistic and have a lot of empathy. After figuring this out, I started watching more videos and just exploded with "yep, yep, yep, thats me !" haha. Thank you so much for opening my eyes and learning more. videos like this is definitely needed.
I had a lot of aha moments and a mountain of evidence but was still in denial. The penny dropped when Orion Kelly was talking about pee issues as a kid being autistic, having to go multiple times before bedtime and car rides etc. This was my experience too. I cried my eyes out after this and everything started falling into place. Weeks later I am still processing, still realising, yet still doubting even though the evidence is insurmountable now. Your channel has helped a lot
Never been on TikTok. Three pediatric professionals suggested my son might be autistic as a toddler and I brushed it off because he was highly intelligent and highly verbal. At age 5 I took him to a therapist for a traumatic incident he experienced and during the parent intake I was explaining that he plays differently than other kids. She asked if he is autistic and for some reason that fourth suggestion was the one I took very seriously. Almost immediately I learned that autism doesn't automatically mean speech struggles and realized not only is my son autistic but my husband and I are most likely autistic as well. That therapy ended up not being super helpful for my son because he'd use every single 50 minute session to info dump about his special interest in speakers and old school smart devices and she didn't know how to work with him to talk about and process the trauma. While sharing these revelations with my mom she mentioned that a neighboring mom had a severely autistic son and would coach my mom on how to parent me and meet my needs as a difficult child. I also had a moment in college in 2007 where I came across Aspergers online and somewhat diagnosed myself. I told a few friends my suspicions and they immediately started making fun of the word Aspergers and me :( . Thinking back on that experience I regret being dissuaded by their shitty behavior because I could have come to know and understand my true self much sooner had I pursued that path 17 years ago.
As someone who was dxd in 2007, i got the exact mocking attitude from the bf I had back then. Those were not so good times to seek for info about autism no matter the specific support needs, I disbelieved my dx for many years for that reason; in that sense I relate a lot to your comment. Having accurate information goes a long way in self-acceptance and being able to meet both one's needs and others'. Never had tiktok either. A lot of the people in there are expressing themselves, mostly, it's just that the people going "tiktok autism" in a derogatory way are used to the outdated biomedical model.
Finally saw a therapist at 40 and assessed me as adhd, which I was diagnosed with at 17, but it never fully resonated with me, cause of lack of hyperactive. He also then assessed me and placed me on the spectrum and thus began my “research” and finding I felt like where I belong or fit. Much like the rock in shoe analogy
The whole 'HSP' term has always rubbed me the wrong way. It's just re-packaged autism and stopped me from getting a diagnosis for many years. Hope your discovery journey is going well!!
The only justification for a diagnosis is making a patient feel better for more years. Your videos were most helpful to me: I recovered with self confidence a lot of "excentric" strategies I unknowingly developed and made me feel stable and happy, found the least demanding alternative for the things I now see I can't afford to do, and strengthened all the relationships I care for around the activities and pace that leave me most of my energy to find some way to show warmth, patience and genuine interest. Same with work, I rather do 100x what is possible for me than 1x of trying to conform or some of those menial things that take all out energy for weeks.
Thank you for everything you do for the autistic community I am 60 years old and I am having my autism assessment in December. I want to say that because of you and several others on CZcams did I find the courage to make that appointment. This video really does help me as I have been gaslighting myself. Sending many blessings ❤
Thank you Taylor. That switched on the flood gates. After struggling for last few months since diagnosis wondering if I'm making it up/faking it, just looking for a "get out" label for all the difficulties I've been feeling for 56 years, the final point you made about taking time and being kind to myself, its my life, struck a deep true cord.
Ms. Taylor, I'm a 22-year old boy, I have never been professionally diagnosed Autism, but after finding out your channels and others, and some research, I found that there is a high chance that I am autistic to a certaim degree. I frequently experience emotional overwhelming and crying 4 -6 times a day. I honestly don't know why I'm so easy to set tears.
Thank you Taylor for all the information you provide to people going thru this. I am 28 and undiagnosed, constantly arguing with family whether I “have it” or not. But when I’m unable to get out of bed or shower or function normally, and I have difficulty moving forward with transitions, and I get constantly overwhelmed to the point of going nonverbal… it is very frustrating when others believe you are being a hypochondriac, just for seeing the similarities and connections that I have been experiencing my whole life. It’s frustrating when people invalidate my feelings because they don’t have the same perspective that i have. I’m trying to understand and accept and keep going one step at a time. Your channel really helps me feel like I’m not broken, my brain just processes things differently. ❤❤️🩹
I don’t have tik tok, but my Aha moment came when I watched your video about autism in woman. After I watched that one, I watched your video about autism and adhd and it felt like a popcorn machine went off inside my head🤣
I ❤ Embrace Autism. The thoroughness of the test descriptions and the compassion with which they are explained shows a genuine understanding of what we may need as potentially Autistic readers.
I've always been a toe-walker/runner, and toe-stretcher. And I was asked by an old friend and also by a therapist years ago to which I kind of laughed and didn't think it was the case. But it really clicked listening to others on YT talking about their experience which is oddly similar to the traits the therapist brought up. And my partner who worked with two Autistics and did a double take at me and said I had the exact traits.
Life in general always felt hard, so when I saw a funny short about demand avoidance earlier this year, I just went directly for a diagnosis out of frustration (I'm now diagnosed with AuDHD). The actual AHA moment for me was, when my mom told me a while back, that we had a teacher meeting in elementary school, becasue the man had said to the class "we will write a sentence now", and I did EXACTLY that. For 45 minutes. I wrote a single sentence, while everybody else wrote paragraphs x'DD
My aha-moment came from the last medical certificate from my previous psychiatric clinic - they thought it should be examined. Yet where I live now they are the healthcare is totally dismissive of it. So I am just self-diagnosed and "peer-reviewed", and damn has it changed a lot. Started researching myseld after pros suspecting it.
When it came to me, I didn't turn to TikTok while searching for answers about autism. At the age of 28, I began to notice my differences. I experienced frequent meltdowns and observed repetitive movements like stimming. I often repeated sounds and words, a condition known as echolalia and palilalia, and someone else noticed these behaviors before I did. It wasn't until I was 30 years old that I received diagnoses of autism and ADHD. Although I had been diagnosed with ADHD as a child, I didn't fully recognize it until I was 28.
My son is mid/high functioning autistic. When I read that it was genetic, and then a comment from my father about my mother's stimming, caused me self-reflection. Yes, I am autistic too.
I’m still not sure but that’s because I can’t figure out if I am a narcissist or autistic. Family says it’s the first behind my back but I was apparently diagnosed as a child with autism but that was hidden from me so I wouldn’t “use it as an excuse.” I just struggle majorly with socializing. I found out about autism from counselors who told me two things: “you’ll be fine when you get away from your family.” “Have you been diagnosed with autism.”
I've never been on Tik Tok. I've often wondered if I was on the spectrum because of some sensory issues, but never looked further into why I responded in certain situations the way I did. I heard Katherine May on We Can Do Hard Things talk about being dx'd at age 39 and immediately related. I've now been officially dx'd. Thanks for talking about Dr. Sanders! I'm now learning how to live my life to accommodate my needs. Holy Cow! What a difference. I agree, if you resonate with something, always worth investigating why.
My aha moment was when i was interviewed by the doctor for my childs assesment, he asked, did you daughter have normal eye contact when growing up, and i could not answer, so i told him, i dont know, i have problem with eye contact, and he just laughed and said, yeahh... I have since gone through my own assessment and been diagnosed
I was 17 when I got diagnosed about fourteen years ago and the spread of awareness that led to the discovery of so many more autistic people and them becoming more understanding and then the wave of support systems and bloggers and groups that have come about that then led to more people becoming understanding until it led to a full shift in society and how society treats people dealing with mental health issues and the way that then. 30 years ago when I was born the world was a complete hell scape for Neuro divergent people and now I truly feel a society of like minded autistic adults is forming and once we start putting our collective efforts we could truly do something amazing and show them how long we've been overlooked for no reason other then peoples selfish stubborn world views and we will get to be the ones who got to witness it
I didn't have one spectacular "aha!" moment, but more like a slow dawning realization. But if I had to point to one thing that made me think 'wait, maybe this is possible' it wasn't so much realizing I was autistic as that I WASN'T neurotypical. I was watching a lot of ADHD/Autism videos on CZcams and saw a couple of videos with NT spouses talking about what it was like living with someone on the autism spectrum, and I realized how much I absolutely couldn't relate to the NT spouses' way of thinking at all. "When you have eliminated all which is impossible, then whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth." -Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
'Ah ah' process for me: cyclical periods of fatigue, combined with spending loads of time with ND children, until a few questions sparked in my head that lead me to your diagnosis story video 🎉
I have never used tic tok. but ultimately my opinion is this: no one who feels good in themselves and is thriving would ever be "tricked" into thinking they have a disorder from watching videos. It's almost always people that are struggling in some way or another and feel unable to identify why. Now, weather it is " ADHD " " autism " or " childhood neglect " or " C-PTSD " it is a POSITIVE step to A. Find a community and B. find some techniques that might work for you. Personally i related to all 3 of the above given they all have a lot of crossover and have found useful information in writing and education on all 4. And Im sure I am not alone. Ultimately these are descriptions of symptoms its less CLEAR than a broken arm or a cold and that is OK - it just means what will help is different for each individual. The brain is amazing and fascinating.
You asked for it! Undiagnosed Autistic Toe Walker here! 🙋♀️ I was in track for a short period in the 8th grade and it was hell explaining why I can't run heel-toe because it hurts. I have to run on my toes. I was one of our best sprinters and the worst long distance runner 😂 My feet are so conditioned to always be on my toes! Been doing this as long as I can remember.
Hello Taylor Hope you had a good 4th of July. I don't use Tiktok, but I can relate to this, especially with youtube, reddit, etc. I've always known I was autistic, but now Im also suspecting ADHD as well, and i've been getting lots of ADHD content online on yoututbe here, and connecting with ADHD people and creators, as well as autistic. I never suspected that I had ADHD, but looking back at my actions, and what my teachers, and family said, there are major signs. I struggled to focus, pay attention in class, was disorganized in class, would forget things at times, and had a tendency to show up late to class. I would also get up out of my seat in class and doodle in class, and had strong emotional reactions as a boy.
Watching this, it occurred to me that our constant worry about taking something away from people with higher support needs is kind of like infomercials. A lot of the odd items sold on infomercials were designed for people with disabilities. They're marketed to the general public because the items couldn't sell enough to exist otherwise. In a way, by allowing the autism community to grow, by welcoming people with lower support needs, maybe the voices of the community as a whole can be amplified so that supports for everyone can keep improving.
Hey Taylor, it started with The Highly Sensitive Person for me, too. I listened to Elaine’s book over and over, resonating with what she wrote. Upon further research I found that HSP could mean Autistic… and thus continued the research and realization that “Wow! I think I’m Autistic.” I was in the gifted and talented classes here in Texas, as a kid, so that was another sign… But yeah, I feel much more comfortable in my skin realizing that I’m an autistic woman, and it’s ok that I view the world differently. In fact, I seem to find beauty that others look past… you know, in the details.
Aha: we started exploring whether our son was autistic and somewhere in the process, my wife was like: “and what if all the misunderstandings we have could be explained by you also being on the spectrum?” That was a bombshell. It caught me off guard, but I started researching, doing all the tests, reading, watching videos and I was like - damn, she might be right
A quick Tiktok saying something to the effect that not everybody feels about spoons the way that autistics do slammed into me with surprising force. All the rejection and bullying I received in primary and high school for being "different" or "strange" no matter how hard I tried. Sleeping away an entire year at 17 years old, major depression unable to work for 2 years at 30. Never able to work full time again, overwhelmed by light, sounds, skin sensations, all of it pointing toward something I never realised and no doctor ever suggested. When I realised that my favourite content creators on Tiktok were autistic, I threw myself into research and took the quizzes. All of it points to the same thing. I'm autistic and it is simultaneously a relief and very scary. I can't pursue an official diagnosis yet due to my personal situation but I think I would probably benefit with seeking online conversations with other autistic people. I'm just scared to take the next step just in case I'm wrong.
When I was in my twenties, my teenage brother was suspected to have Asptergers. I remember back then I thought that if I was a boy I would have Aspergers for sure. Forward to current times. 4 years ago CZcams recomended to me (possibly due to my psychology special interest) Aspergers from the Inside channel (Autism from the Inside nowadays) and the patterns were there. And this is how my journey has started. I've started understanding so many things about me and my mental health struggles as back then I got stuck in my therapy process. I've been past working thru a lot of trauma but still many things didn't work and being a functioning adult was a constant struggle with never ending feelings of fatigue, poor health and new health issues showing up. I've got my diagnosis in May this year.
I don't have tik tok but this came up for me on CZcams. I resonate with a lot of the information I came across. I've been diagnosed with bipolar, anxiety disorder, and OCD. None of those diagnoses cover what I experience. All of the medications I take don't help. My oldest daughter is autistic and I realized I should get assessed as well. I was diagnosed.
My kids knew I was autistic before I did. I had recently discovered for myself that I was probably affected by C-PTSD symptoms and could resonate with that and with the HSP type as I feel super empathetic. Then one day my daughter says 'Mum I think you're autistic'. I said 'what? don't be daft!' I was under hte impression that you couldn't be empathetic and sensitive and autistic. Then I found out I could. I've been learning more everyday ever since. I still think 'really???' and wonder. I took the tests and it's in the zone but not super high scores. I don't know anything about anything anymore. I mean who does? Life is weird and hard.
I saw someone on CZcams talking like me but said they were Autistic…. I went down the rabbit hole that night and had an appointment with my internist/physician the next day. I made a list of all my quirks and she agreed I should be tested. I was diagnosed before TikTok.
I've always watched a lot of psychological / self-help content on CZcams, and one day I finally clicked on Taylor's '16 Overlooked Autistic Traits in Women' video, which I'd been seeing in my recommended feed for a while at that point. While I resonated with many of the traits she mentions in that video, my a-ha moment actually came a while later, when I discovered the purported connection between infant colic -- a condition my mom never tired of complaining I had when I was a baby -- and Autism. Learning that some doctors believe colic to be a response to sensory overstimulaton that could be an early indicator of Autism in infants made something click inside my brain and down the rabbit hole I went. 🐰
Realizing that my whole life I have been mimicking actors and singers. This was a shock to me. I will walk into a room English, and will walk out French. It was automatic and I had never thought about it. Turns out I've been masking my whole life. I'm 50. Thinking back to childhood, perhaps me going to my high school dance in a bright pink tinsel dress and silver glitter shoes MIGHT have been a sign.
I didn’t have one single aha moment, I had several little aha moments that was very much like that one post: “Either people with ADHD need to stop being so relatable or I need to go to the doctor“. And they came to be ahas through more and more education about autisms presentation in women and autism and adhd together. Because a lot of things that were initially “ahas” before I started listening to women with autism and audhd individuals I would write off as “well that’s curious but I also do xyz so I can’t have autism” Recontextualizations of strong memories like remembering being 6 and my grandma told me that I need to smile when happy or no one will know, memories like being constantly reminded to look at people while talking to them and if I can’t look in their eyes look at their eyebrows, memories about spinning and spinning in the big living room, of spending fulfilling hours outside just literally touching grass and looking at it, of learning acceptable phrases in response to questions and practicing them, of having constant melt downs right when I got back from school because I was so overwhelmed so much crying as soon as I felt I was somewhere that I wouldn’t be socially judged. I would sign out books at the library as a 8 year old about idioms and turn of phrases so that whenever someone said something that didn’t make sense I would know what they actually meant, like a codex, studied it like a kid in bible study. Had so many special interests that as a child were ‘acceptable’: dinosaurs->birds->ecology->ocean->animal illustration->art. All of middle school and high school I was great in terms of school work but absolutely struggling socially so I used shared interests(hyperfixations on anime) to socialize and form friendships. My big thing that had me caught up in “well I can’t have adhd because I don’t have eating sensory issues and textures are fine for me” but the biggest acceptance and understanding that no I do have autism was the recognition that I never was allowed to actually be upset or advocate for my wants in food, or clothing, or the like. I have adhd and with that I learned to view every meal and every texture as a new novel experience to try and find delight in or even if I didn’t like it there was something to learn from about it so I could add it to my mental Rolodex of sensation. I became a vegetarian out of love for animals but also because it meant I had a sense of control over what I ate. And then I got passionate about cooking and baking so food became something fun to learn from. Having all of these reasons that ‘I couldn’t have autism’ slowly unpacked with my mental health, CPTSD, and listening to other people who had adhd AND autism, or people who were autistic women who grew up with great expectations placed on them so that all of their classic autistic traits were forced into more ‘acceptable’ forms of regulating one’s self gave me the space to ask myself ‘could I have autism’. Another big hurdle for me on my journey of self acceptance was the idea that it was ‘too much’. That I was looking for excuses that I could fall back on why xyz is hard(internalized ableism abound). Like I’m already severely chronically ill. I have genetic conditions(ones which go hand and hand with autism but I didn’t wanna see it), trauma, and mental health issues. Biggest fear having these things which were finally coming out of the woodwork would be: “am I just looking to collect things that are wrong with me now”(gross internalized ableism). “I have all these things that suddenly make so much of my life make sense, am I just reaching for any other things that can explain away everything else?” And you know what? Maybe. Maybe I’m looking for more things that help reframe my world in a way that makes sense. But if making the space for the possibility that I do have autism empowers me to accept and love these things about me that I have neglected and hated about myself when I didn’t need to, is it the end of the world. If autism makes sense and all the advice and guidance that the community has for me to learn from is helpful and I’m not taking away resources, isn’t that good? So I have allowed myself to be open. I have started being kind to myself, all of myself. I’ve started giving myself space and meeting feeling and experiences I have with openness and compassion. All of this thanks to the autism community online and around me.
I just got done being evaluated I’m now sitting here wondering if I was wrong. The testing and questions were just so stressful I wanted to break down and just cry. My husband has been such a huge help even pointing out some of the things I do when I watch videos like yours. My first stimming I can think of was nail biting which turned to playing with clicky pens. Now I have a stuffed animal obsession because I couldn’t be a kid at age 3-5 due to cancer and E-coli.
I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder about 7 years ago I kind of ignored until recently. I took an online test RAADS test and got a pretty high score so I talked with the volunteer at my local clubhouse she knew another woman who was misdiagnosed with BPD and we called her and she told me her story which was similar to mine. She gave me the information of the office that diagnosed her with autism. I still haven’t called them I’m just so scared.
For me the realization was how much I was stimming (scrunching toes like you mentioned, but also more visible sometimes). Never realized it as it was so normal for me. Got my official diagnosis recently, as a late autistic female just before my 30thies.
It's probably going to end up like ADHD where it's both over and under-diagnosed, meaning there are likely people getting diagnosed or self-diagnosing who aren't really autistic and others who are but are unaware and flying below the radar. Depending on whether they cause problems for the adults around them growing up. I suspected I was autistic for a while because of my highly obsessive/monotropic pattern of interests compared to people around me and because my Dad told me he thought I was. But after researching it more, I don't think I am because I don't have much of the other hallmark traits (sensory issues, frequent meltdowns, I can recognize facial/bodily expressions, etc.). I suspect I might be ADHD or just at the far end of the neurotypical bell curve and happen to be a nerd who is a white male so it looks like the autism stereotype, but regardless the autism community is useful because they talk about common problems I also have (i.e. autistic inertia, transition difficulties) when nobody else is talking about these things.
You don't have to have meltdowns or extreme sensory issues to be autistic. I have learned that my defense mechanism is shut down- I don't cry, I don't yell, I turn into a statue or a useless blob. As for sensory stuff, the more I talk about my experiences, the more I realize I'm extra sensitive to sights and sounds. I didn't think I had sensory issues, but it's certainly not neurotypical to get so angry when I hear a dog panting to the point that I feel like I'm being stabbed by the sound. Just food for thought. I hope you find the best words to describe whatever it is you are experiencing.
Hi Taylor, I noticed that my brain was taking in information and changing that information into a simplified version of that same information. Also I noticed that my brain was changing what I naturally wanted to say and changing it into something that it thought was more socially correct, then I could hear stress in my voice when I was trying to articulate myself in this socially correct manner.
Being told by the autistic community that I was welcome in autistic spaces and was allowed to call myself autistic even if I wasn't 100% sure was so important and reassuring for me. I doubted myself for so SO long and allowed the people complaining about "kids self diagnosing on tiktok" to make me question my behavior. But the more I allowed myself to be autistic, the more I uncovered old childhood memories, the more I realized how absurd that was. I asked to be assessed for autism when I was SIX! When I was 3, I was fully convinced I was an alien sent to Earth to observe human activity & behavior. It was the only way I could make sense of the clear neurological difference between me and everyone else. I was told I was shy all throughout my childhood. I finally realized shy people are not silently screaming at themselves to speak in their own heads because their body isn't obeying them. I was semi-verbal. The issue isnt social media lying to us to make us believe we are autistic. The issue is society lying to us to make us believe we are not.
You talked about scrunching your toes and I looked down and realised I had been scrunching mine without realising. It’s funny how I used to think I didn’t stim. I am _always_ stimming in one way or another.
A deep level of anxiety in social situations since I was a child and as a result seeking solitude (sometimes not by choice but rejection for been different) and isolation to regulate. I was diagnosed at 47 but I don't have doubts about the diagnosis.
I am so grateful to you-and have that “agape” love for you and what you do (no worries-I’m dramatic [“Dramatic Dad” is what my kids call me, but I’m sincere and harmless 🙂]). I’m a semi-retired shrink, and I always had at least a handful of patients just like me-and, for the life of me, I couldn’t “figure them (or me) out”-they were terribly likable people but I just.coukdn’t.get.them.better. Now, ADHD/ADD and (and some rather odd characters) run in my family (my great grandfather would get up in the morning, put a suit on, and sit in a chair all day…my great grandmother would go to work as a street vendor. This went on their whole lives…their son-my great uncle-worked as the “elevator operator” (open the elevator gate, close it, push the buttons) for years… The “aha” moment? I watched a CME series on ADHD a few months ago …cutting edge stuff. The presenter was a younger guy, wicked smart, and a psychiatrist/researcher at a local elite university. Almost offhandedly, he said, “Now remember, about 1/3 of ADHD people have autism as their core diagnosis.” I said to myself: “This is crazy. No way.” But I followed up and read the research, and the evidence was crystal clear: he was right! This led to more reading-eventually I learned about “masking” and “camouflaging” and, well, my head almost exploded with self-recognition (and a million other emotions): “All my life, I thought I was the only one who does this. My God. I’m not alone.” I found your channel and here we are. Thank you for all you do. I am a HUGE fan, send your channels to the people I now recognize as belonging to this “long-lost tribe”, and hope to dedicate a future practice to helping the long- (and, until now) quietly-suffering masked autistics among us. You are indispensable. ❤
My aha moment was hearing people talk about how autism and ADHD mask each other… ADHD was an easy diagnosis after my daughter was… but the light bulb just blew up when I started learning about how they mask each other making it difficult to diagnose either.
My kind of aha moment was Claire's (Woodshed Theory) video called: "I was a serial hugger". I immediatly went to mum asking her when it started that I was hugging people.
Im 37 have my formal assessment in 4 days. I've started to feel like I'm making it all up but then I had a meltdown because I touched wet food in the sink the other day
I started researching autism more than 10 years ago because I was dating someone diagnosed with autism and i wanted to understand them better. The more I read, the more things started to sound like me... I was self dx for about 5 years and last year I got an official AuDHD diagnosis. Like you said, everything is the same, and nothing is the same.
I’m four seconds in, and 1) I do not have TikTok; I rely on my sister to curate TikTok videos for me-largely cat-related videos, and 2) if anything, people sharing their autistic experiences makes me think, “Maybe I’m _not_ autistic,” because some of their experiences are different from mine. For reference, I have not been officially diagnosed autistic (too expensive for me at the moment), but I’ve taken a ton of online assessments (some recommended here), and I’ve done a fair amount of research. Nothing gives me a sense of belonging and a vocabulary to explain why I have been the way I am my entire life like my belief that I am AuDHD. (I *do* have an official ADHD diagnosis, for which I am medicated.)
The autism content videos started around the same time I began my deep-dive special interest into moss and boy did the CZcams algorithm hone it's craft. I should just send a screenshot to a doctor for full diagnosis.
8:33 The first time I actually really needed proper support (soon after my diagnosis) felt really weird. It felt weird because I felt like I’d never need such support. I used to think something along the lines of: “I’m not like that.” Though I honestly did make use of some sort of support before my diagnosis, staying at school after hours to help with planning and do homework. Nowadays, I’m used to having support but I need to find the right sort of support for my circumstances. Now, a frequent assumption of other people is that I’m smart and can articulate things pretty well, so I should be fine when it comes to really banal, neurotypical skills. That’s… not the case. Not at all.
Being in autistic burnout (before knowing about the term and sharing it with loved ones), it is really frustrating to hear that ‘everyone goes through this’. I’m now 18 years old and couldn’t really fit in at and adapt to uni, so I quit. Big changes can be impactful to everyone, yes. But the sheer intensity of isolation and autistic burnout that followed are not something everyone experiences.
My first suggestion that I was autistic was from Reddit (I know, not a good place lol). I spent a good 3 years gaslighting myself with the usual stuff. The "Everyone has quirks" or "It's not that bad as they say" I never had friends growing up so I was definitely lacking that diagnostic tool of experience. At 24, I accidentally found a friend group in college and Ithey referenced the show Community and Abed. I watched one episode and I had never related to a character more in my entire life. I genuinely saw myself as him in flashback form.
I read "Look Me In The Eye" and found out someone else was like me. But I do find myself following a lot of neurodivergent creators, even before knowing they are. I just GET them. A lot of the musicians I listen to are neurodivergents, too.
So I have a hyperlexic son. We were dx less than a week apart, and I had another hyperlexic dad comment on one of my posts about special interests, and he said in his opinion, the epitome of autism is attachment to inanimate objects. I’ve always tied knots down entire strings (from a particular blanket because texture isn’t right with any other one). I have these on my body all day and night and constantly rub the bundle of knotted strings between my fingers. I was like whoa.. that is autism. Then the deep dive began 👀
Finding out that I'm autistic feels like the final piece of information I needed to start living a better life...at the age of 49. I've been trying to find my "tribe" for years now because I never felt like I fit in and/or people seemed to keep me at arm's length (flat affect doesn't help with the socializing, though I feel like I am smiling). I'm optimistic that I will find my circle soon. I'm expecting that I'm going to fine tune things and really come to life.
Would love to have you as part of my online community if you're interested! You can try it for free here: mots.circle.so/checkout/mom-on-the-spectrum-community-membership
Welcome to my experience!
❤️🩹
Keep learning and appreciating your differences.
I'm late diagnosed at 49, just a few weeks ago! I feel exactly the same, the diagnosis is like a lens through I can now see everything, my childhood, my studies, my career, my love life, where I live and how I live. It's an OMG NOW it all makes sense!! Best of luck! I'm gonna kick life now.... 😂
I feel the same! I’m almost 30 and only got diagnosed a month ago. Though I’ve been on a huge self discovery journey over the past 9 months since the suspicion that I might be Autistic was raised. I love and relate so much to this community ❤
I totally relate to every single word you wrote and I'm also 49 😊
What I’m struggling with, is that I can’t speak to anyone about all the things I find out about myself. All the groundbreaking information. What I’m struggling every single day. People say things like everyone struggles with that in some ways. But it’s not the same.
The hiking with a pebble analogy is really great. Like, everybody's feet hurt when hiking over rocks, but not everybody has them inside their shoe. Stepping on a pebble once may not seem too bad, but repeated over an entire hike, it makes the difference between a calloused or bloody foot. If everyone's gaslighting you into thinking you don't need to stop and take the pebble out, you're gonna wind up with a bloody foot.
Watching CZcams creators like Taylor was my aha moment. It made me realize that people do not look autistic
Content creators like yourself have been more helpful than the medical community in solving my mysterious health issues. I am 39 and just spent most of my 30's in burnout. I saw dozens of doctors/therapists/psychiatrists and spent thousands of dollars trying to figure out a weird set of symptoms that didn't quite fit the symptoms of depression.
I am a high masking female and thought I was could be autistic back in college but I decided that wasn't possible because I was overly empathetic. I had a lot of misconceptions about autism. I thought the spectrum was autistic on the left side and "normal" on the right side. I ended up deciding that I was on the spectrum, but I was even further to the right of normal in some sort of HSP category. All I knew was that I wasn't normal.
Thia year, I ended up in a burnout bad enough that I got a diagnosis of bipolar and BPD. That didn't seem right so I did a deep dive and ended up finding the ND community here then on tiktok. Even though I am sure that I found my answer and that I'm AuDHD, I question it because I self diagnosed. I know that I don't qualify for an ADHD diagnosis and I don't have enough information from my childhood to be able to get an official autism diagnosis. It's causing a bit of imposter syndrome but finding this answer and accommodating myself is quickly improving my mental health and alleviating my burnout.
Everyone sharing their experiences has been a lifesaver for me. Thank you all so much.
Your story is almost identical to mine! Except that I have a son who was diagnosed autistic as a toddler 10 years ago. I didn’t realize until last year that he got it from ME because I was high masking. I had a successful career and was called a “social butterfly” so how could I possibly be autistic?? I had a LOT to learn about the female presentation, and TikTok helped tremendously. I am still only self-diagnosed but at least I have the full support of my therapist and my husband. My parents and sister? Not so much. Because they don’t want to see their OWN neurodivergence. So complicated. I’m glad you and I found this community for support and encouragement! Hugs, friend! Without touching! 😂
@@KTplease The first few sentences of your post could have been written by me. I took online quizzes for autism and scored low, and then I took a masking quiz and scored really high. I'm still in the process of thinking it through. Thanks for sharing!
I feel this so hard. Specifically the imposter syndrome. I feel so guilty when people gaslight me into thinking I'm making a bigger deal out of things than necessary. I start to believe them, and then I come back to places like this and remember I'm not "making it up" and no not "everyone is a little autistic". Don't give up! Self diagnosis is perfectly valid, and we support you!
Also it's been said by a lot of professionals on the cutting edge of ASD research that SO MANY AFAB people are misdiagnosed as BPD.
I’m 70 and have suspected since the 90s when I started working with autistic preschoolers. During our trainings I resonated and would think, “That happens to me.” Or “I experience that.” But I was told that it was all symptoms of childhood abuse. I was diagnosed with PTSD which is true but I think lots of us with autism have PTSD because we are easy targets.
By the time I learned about synesthesia which I have had as long as I can remember (my hands are drawn to pain in someone’s body because I can hear it; etc) I wasn’t saying anything to anyone.
Now my daughter is a therapist who works with a lot of neurodivergent and/or non-binary people.
I broached the subject with her last year, saying, “I think I might be neurodivergent. “
Her response was, “oh mom I am so glad that you have figured it out.” She had no intention of ever telling me what she had known for years because she didn’t know if it would offend me.
So I’ve been watching videos and taking the tests. I’m always shocked when the scores are so high!
But now I have so much grace for myself and even forgiveness for all the department heads and heads of schools who let me go because I was “not a good fit.” I wasn’t and it wasn’t my fault or theirs. We don’t fit in boxes.
No more shame.
I came out to a woman who heads up a church group where I volunteer. I stepped into a bigger role at the beginning of 2024 and have struggled to learn all the ins and outs and get it right week after week. It’s been so hard. When I told her she took my face in her hands and said, “omgoodness, that makes so much sense!” She realized she gives me off hand directions when I need explicit ones.
My best friends, a small group, have all agreed with what I am calling my informal diagnosis.
My life makes so much more sense now! Such a relief.
"Pebble in your shoe" analogy is powerful.
My journey started ten years after my son was diagnosed autistic as a toddler. TikTok showed me clips of women saying “Things I didn’t know were signs of autism” and they were all ME! I knew I was “quirky” (rubbing soft fabric for comfort, picking scalp and bottoms of feet, tweezing leg hair, sensory overwhelm etc) but never considered that I was anything other than “weird”. I’m so thankful for TikTok making me curious, sending me on a long research and self discovery journey. I’m now proudly self diagnosed AuDHD and I’m taking good care of my nervous system, happier than ever. 😊
4:02pm - my aha moment was when you said you sit in your car for an hour trying to transition into the store and that after an hour you sometimes drive away….i had no idea other people did that
oh wow!! So similar aha moment as me :) thanks for sharing
I've done this so many times, I hate to think about the Lost hours of my life I've spent sitting in a car in a parking lot
So real. When im not masking I literally take so long to transition between tasks. For example i sit around for 30+ minutes before i wash the dishes
So, I was diagnosed by the YT algorithm at age 28. I had thought I might be autistic several times before but because my presentation is more internal/„female“ and info in the early 2000s was more „male-centric“ I always dismissed my suspicion. cut back to 2018, YT suggested a video by some australian psychiatrist specializing in autism in females and MY MIND WAS BLOWN cause suddenly my life made so much more sense! I have since gotten my official diagnosis but honestly, my own research into strategies and accomodations and just the community of autistic people in general is MUCH more helpful than anything the medical community had to offer so far.
I haven't been officially diagnosed so far, but treating myself as autistic and learning about it has helped so much!
Last year all the therapists thought I had depression, and treated me like that even though I mentioned that I do not feel depressed but expercience burnout. Their treatment just made things worse and I found out that it is "just" a full blown autistic burnout. I put my therapist on hold, not sure I will go back to her, and focus on rest, energy management (especially with people) and education about autism now.
The “Females And Autism/Asperger’s: A Checklist” by Samantha Craft (which can be found online) was probably my biggest piece of research evidence I initially showed to my doctor. I explained how almost all of the check points resonated with me and that helped put me on the waitlist to see an adult autism specialist to proceed with getting my official diagnosis. I luckily had a female family doctor assisting my primary male family doctor, because she was very open to understanding how (then) Asperger’s presented differently in women and she helped me move forward.
Just checked it out. It IS a good checklist, thanks! Still checking all the boxes over here. haha
Thank you for the kind lead to the checklist. I’m such a perfectionist that I got anxious over the few things that didn’t fit. 😂
@@eboronkay Oh a bunch didnt for me too in one category! AspieQuiz is batter. Google that. Also Jen O'Toole's chick-list check list.
I wasn't looking for autism videos, but one day a large number of them started showing up in my recommendations.
Same. I actually know which video I finally gave into watching after ignoring them for a few months. It was "I'm not an alien, I'm autistic."
I think I randomly clicked on a CZcams video talking about autism, and I began to recognize my husband in the descriptions. We have since decided that he is definitely autistic. But during the course of my learning about autism so that I can better understand my husband, it occurred to me that I am very much autistic as well. This revelation has been a lot of relief for me. It’s been like a veil has been lifted from my eyes. Like you, I’m learning compassion for myself, as I learn to accommodate myself, instead of trying to hammer a square peg into a round hole. It’s been a journey that only just came about this year, my 59th year of life.
I don’t do TikTok.
Watching Paul Micellof talking about the 64 or so typical autistic traits, of which jarringly many were me exactly, then taking the AQ test (38 out of 50--again JARRING), then reading books about it, taking tests on autism from other sources (utter unanimity by every test: "Significantly high on the spectrum"), continuing to watch multiple channels like yours, and, MOST of all, a whole lifetime's worth of experiences flooding back to my mind's (and heart's) eye and making utter SENSE like they'd never managed to before. Precisely because I realized I'd never been able to plug into the neurotypical matrix, and I instantly knew what "masking" was the moment I heard it described. I knew it viscerally. I'd suffered from it viscerally. For a lifetime. It was all so obvious. And I've never watched TikTok in my life, so the whole thing about somehow getting TikToked into it is a total non-starter.
I followed the same algorithm. I am 69, with a 42 year old with autism, a grandson and a granddaughter with autism, but never realized until I watched the 64 traits Paul put on CZcams.
Yup me too, so well described. I'm 56 and a stark eye opener was looking at my long cv with gaps plus, as you so well said, reflecting back on a lifetime worth of experiences.
I think there is a final hurdle with an autism diagnosis, and that is accepting that you have something that is generally regarded as a disability/you are something that is generally regarded as disabled. Without a diagnosis (or if you are still at the self-diagnosed stage) you have some uncertainty, in which, perhaps, if you just find the right routine or something, life will magically become easier for you. Maybe the right exercises will "cure" you.
Taylor, I finally contacted a local provider who conducts ASD assessments for adults...I've gone 58 years being gaslit about what's going on with me...misdiagnosed, mismedicated...ended up having to go through the painful process of recognizing I could no longer function in the work world and achieve SSDI status...which took two rejections and finally going in front of a judge...Having to search until I found information that told me that, yes...I have typical signs of autism in a woman....And now I have to pay over $2000USD out of pocket in order to /maybe/ get a confirmation from a doctor...While living on SSDI payments and unable to work. That is a huge ask. It is outrageous and I'm trying not to completely go over the edge into the deep end of the pool just thinking about it. So so SO frustrating!!! Thanks for letting me vent.
So glad for the subtitles, due to my Misophonia.
Well, TikTok has shown me that Autistics can live the best life, and the more content that gets made, the more awareness there is, the more acceptance there is!
The idea's been floating around in my head for a while, Jaiden Animation's "I found out I have ADHD" led me down the rabbit hole. I started rethinking my entire life, finding old videos, report cards and talking to caretakers. I think the moment I was like "Oh, this could be an actual thing" is when I read how undiagnosed autistic girls are described by guardians and peers growing up. It was like a list of how I've been described my entire life.
Her little birds
@@ShadoeLandman Been wandering if i could have ADHD or it's just overlapping traits plus executive dysfunction hitting hard. Currently going through the longest summer break Ive had in my entire life and it's been awful. Can't do almost anything without structure and can't mantain structure on my own. Thank god Im starting a summer theater course in a week. :)
Approximately 6 years ago, it happened when I met an autist in a FB group. In order to understand her better and my natural curiosity, I came across a quiz. My results catapulted me into a deeper dive. While sitting saying, "I do that" watching numerous YT videos.
My personal algorithm in life at 61 y.o., I realized in as much as I'd enjoy being in a partnership, the dynamics can be exhausting as I need so much alone time
TikTok didn't impact me, but getting a new therapist who happens to be autistic certainly did!
Knowing about my ADHD and executive function issues, and knowing how much those can overlap with autism, I asked her about ASD in one of our first sessions. Everything she said matched up so perfectly with my experiences now and when I was younger. That kicked off my (currently) four-month-long research journey. Talking with relatives to get more insight into what I was like when I was younger was also a *huge* eye opener.
I'm currently not formally diagnosed so I'm having trouble fully internalizing the idea, but hopefully I can cut through the red tape soon and get some answers. In the meantime, so much of the advice and coping strategies from channels like yours has worked wonders. I've made more progress in a few months with this therapist than I did in years with my previous ones.
Thanks for this video! My inner critic’s favorite way to invalidate myself is by saying being autistic is a social media and/or Gen Z trend. Your way of explaining the algorithm I think can help me combat this thinking! Sometimes I mistake my experience or bubble for everyone’s experience and discredit it. Thanks for reminding me it’s just the algorithm and I’m valid ❤
Absolutely! So glad it was helpful to you.
If you are a student check your high school/college and see if there is any kind of neurodivergent club/support group. Oftentimes groups like these will allow you to experience some degree of interaction with professionals.
If your school does not have such an option, look into starting one. I've done it twice now in two different cities and both times have been very rewarding, surprisingly easy, and in high demand.
As was mentioned in the video, the best way for you to combat your imposter syndrome is to turn your interactions with autism from passive (sitting there endlessly watching TikTok shorts) to active (seeking out, communicating, and interacting with other people on the spectrum.)
I don't remember exactly what I was initially looking for, but it wasn't Autism. I saw one of my recommendations was a video listing out traits of Autism, and every single one in the thumbnail WAS ME! My jaw hit the floor, and I had more Autism related recommendations. I watched at least 10, if not more, videos of Autistic traits. Each video had a list from 10 to 20 traits, and I resonated with all but maybe 3 to 5 traits listed in the videos. Obviously there were repeats in the lists, but that was still insane enough to me for me to go down the research rabbit hole. It was extremely obvious that I was Autistic at that point, especially after analyzing my entire life, and not just looking at traits.
LOL, ffs, this is the third time you have mentioned scrunching toes- while I am scrunching my toes 😂😂😂
I was trying to figure out why I was so burnout all the time, so I looked up videos on CZcams. An autism burnout video popped up (I can’t remember the creator’s channel name) and realized that was me… My entire life!! I cried so hard, but when I was done, it was like the tears washed away most of the negative thoughts about myself. I’m 46 years old and for the first time I can look in the mirror and not hate who’s looking back.
Thank you Taylor! Those who worry that we are finding “too many autistic people” must certainly not themselves be savants… If the CDC estimates a global rate of 1% and the highest suggested US rate is less than 2.8%, how is less than 3 out of 100 so many as to worry them? Talk about a very small minority! ( I JUST rechecked current suggested rates)
I began my trip down the research rabbit hole, seeking out autism content, after a psychiatrist I saw told me my BPD diagnosis was incorrect & I was in fact autistic. At the time, I couldn't afford the official assessment, so I was left to myself to work out by myself whether I agreed with his opinion, which took awhile but eventually I did.
I have autistic content creators to thank for that realisation, because if it weren't for the perspectives of other late-diagnosed autistics, particularly AFAB people, I don't think I'd have ended up recognising my autistic traits.
That was in around 2017, & I'm only just pursuing a formal assessment now, because I've finally saved enough money.
Thank you for this video, & your channel. ❤
I remember when I was in college back in the early 00s learning abt autism as a psychology major- that it was predominant in boys and that girls rarely had it.
I distinctly remember my psychology prof saying "we don't know why autism is more prevalent in boys...."
It's crazy how far we have come in the field of psychology in just 2 decades.
My first clue was when I went back to the office after working at home during the pandemic, and I found myself overwhelmed. Then, when I asked permission to work more from home, and they told me no, I basically went into meltdown mode - I could feel my communication system shutting down.
I wish I could say my aha moment was something happy!😒
it's ok! not everything can be happy. and the happy moments are even better because of the sad ones. thanks for sharing!
This is so relatable. I had such a strong reaction to the return to work process and especially how arbitrary and unjust I felt it was. I didn't put two and two together like you did though. When I got my ADHD diagnosis a year later, I had the evaluator put "option to work from home" on the list of my accommodations.
This came at this right time for me. My aha moment was hearing someone describe their autistic meltdowns and realizing that’s what I’ve been experiencing, not “normal” panic attacks
I'll never let naysayers convince me I'm not autistic because my first reactions to self diagnosis were to be offended and distraught. It's not a cool trend. It's just my reality and I knew from looking into it that it was the truth whether I liked it or not.
I'm still working on my ableism, mainly by processing my experiences out loud and reminding myself to be a non-judgmental observer
I can say that it wasn't TikTok because I don't have TikTok.
Over the last 10 years I had wondered on and off if I was autistic but had a stereotypical view of what autism was (and didn't realise that I had sensory issues at the time) so each time I would go no that my meltdowns were being caused because of interpersonal issues. I also had a friend on Facebook that would repost autism infographics and thought it was interesting that I could relate to so much of it but just thought it was overlap with other diagnoses that I had been given.
When Sia's movie 'Music' came out I was then binging info about it and started following some of those autistic creators and that was when it became more no I really do relate to most of what these people are saying and then sort out a diagnosis.
You got me subscribing at "it's colourful, because I like colours!" 😂👍
Claim your "intense imposter syndrome and anxiety brought me here" card
Claimed 😭🤌🗣️
🪪
My moment of realization was watching a video of yours about ADHD/Autism when I was in the process of my ADHD diagnosis. I had never heard of another person learning to play multiple musical instruments the same way I did. I felt such a deep resonance with your experience. To this day, I feel a strong sense of gratitude for you sharing your experience and giving me that personal insight 💜
Thank you for helping me surface this!
I got diagnosed with ADHD at age 35 shortly after my kids got diagnosed. Found your videos after looking into some CZcams content for ADHD and after a half-dozen online quizzes, I’m 100% sure that I’m autistic.
Very similar story to yours. High-functioning, masking expert. Knowing I was different but was always searching as to why.
I feel sorry for all my counselors, friends, parents and ex-wife for not knowing what they were up against. But I’m grateful for this knowledge to better raise my kids.
Whenever I first discovered your videos, I had been feeling different not necessarily in a bad way, but just different from everybody else. I never voiced this concern with anybody ever before or set it allowed period. One day I opened CZcams, and one of your videos was the first thing in my feed I clicked on it. I discovered that my masking and stemming was normal for somebody on the spectrum. Among many other things, that was my aha moment. Thank you for sharing your journey, and intern enlightening mine.
I always knew something was different about me. And I've been searching for the answer since I was 20 (31 now). The moment for me, was learning that you can be autistic and have a lot of empathy. After figuring this out, I started watching more videos and just exploded with "yep, yep, yep, thats me !" haha. Thank you so much for opening my eyes and learning more. videos like this is definitely needed.
you're welcome! Thanks for your comment
I had a lot of aha moments and a mountain of evidence but was still in denial. The penny dropped when Orion Kelly was talking about pee issues as a kid being autistic, having to go multiple times before bedtime and car rides etc. This was my experience too. I cried my eyes out after this and everything started falling into place. Weeks later I am still processing, still realising, yet still doubting even though the evidence is insurmountable now. Your channel has helped a lot
Do you remember where you heard Orion talk about that? A CZcams video?
Yes he is a youtuber too❤❤
@@margilvi5890 Thank you. Do you happen to have a link to the particular video that talks about urination issues?
@@adelaskybird I'll try find it for ya, it was a podcast of his, not a CZcams but could possibly be both. I'll let ya know
Never been on TikTok. Three pediatric professionals suggested my son might be autistic as a toddler and I brushed it off because he was highly intelligent and highly verbal. At age 5 I took him to a therapist for a traumatic incident he experienced and during the parent intake I was explaining that he plays differently than other kids. She asked if he is autistic and for some reason that fourth suggestion was the one I took very seriously. Almost immediately I learned that autism doesn't automatically mean speech struggles and realized not only is my son autistic but my husband and I are most likely autistic as well. That therapy ended up not being super helpful for my son because he'd use every single 50 minute session to info dump about his special interest in speakers and old school smart devices and she didn't know how to work with him to talk about and process the trauma.
While sharing these revelations with my mom she mentioned that a neighboring mom had a severely autistic son and would coach my mom on how to parent me and meet my needs as a difficult child.
I also had a moment in college in 2007 where I came across Aspergers online and somewhat diagnosed myself. I told a few friends my suspicions and they immediately started making fun of the word Aspergers and me :( . Thinking back on that experience I regret being dissuaded by their shitty behavior because I could have come to know and understand my true self much sooner had I pursued that path 17 years ago.
As someone who was dxd in 2007, i got the exact mocking attitude from the bf I had back then. Those were not so good times to seek for info about autism no matter the specific support needs, I disbelieved my dx for many years for that reason; in that sense I relate a lot to your comment.
Having accurate information goes a long way in self-acceptance and being able to meet both one's needs and others'.
Never had tiktok either. A lot of the people in there are expressing themselves, mostly, it's just that the people going "tiktok autism" in a derogatory way are used to the outdated biomedical model.
(can't edit my own comment. 2008, not 2007 🥲 my bad! Still not a good time!)
Finally saw a therapist at 40 and assessed me as adhd, which I was diagnosed with at 17, but it never fully resonated with me, cause of lack of hyperactive. He also then assessed me and placed me on the spectrum and thus began my “research” and finding I felt like where I belong or fit. Much like the rock in shoe analogy
Elaine Aron HSP studies also got me into questioning an autism diagnosis for myself! GI issues and being trans also tipped me off!
Yes GI issues are quite common for those of us on the spectrum! And more trans people in our community too
The whole 'HSP' term has always rubbed me the wrong way. It's just re-packaged autism and stopped me from getting a diagnosis for many years. Hope your discovery journey is going well!!
The only justification for a diagnosis is making a patient feel better for more years. Your videos were most helpful to me: I recovered with self confidence a lot of "excentric" strategies I unknowingly developed and made me feel stable and happy, found the least demanding alternative for the things I now see I can't afford to do, and strengthened all the relationships I care for around the activities and pace that leave me most of my energy to find some way to show warmth, patience and genuine interest. Same with work, I rather do 100x what is possible for me than 1x of trying to conform or some of those menial things that take all out energy for weeks.
I love your shirt, so pretty with your blue eyes. And thank you for all your work and the helpful reflections you share with us.
Thank you for everything you do for the autistic community I am 60 years old and I am having my autism assessment in December. I want to say that because of you and several others on CZcams did I find the courage to make that appointment. This video really does help me as I have been gaslighting myself. Sending many blessings ❤
Thank you Taylor. That switched on the flood gates. After struggling for last few months since diagnosis wondering if I'm making it up/faking it, just looking for a "get out" label for all the difficulties I've been feeling for 56 years, the final point you made about taking time and being kind to myself, its my life, struck a deep true cord.
Ms. Taylor, I'm a 22-year old boy, I have never been professionally diagnosed Autism, but after finding out your channels and others, and some research, I found that there is a high chance that I am autistic to a certaim degree.
I frequently experience emotional overwhelming and crying 4 -6 times a day. I honestly don't know why I'm so easy to set tears.
Thank you Taylor for all the information you provide to people going thru this. I am 28 and undiagnosed, constantly arguing with family whether I “have it” or not. But when I’m unable to get out of bed or shower or function normally, and I have difficulty moving forward with transitions, and I get constantly overwhelmed to the point of going nonverbal… it is very frustrating when others believe you are being a hypochondriac, just for seeing the similarities and connections that I have been experiencing my whole life. It’s frustrating when people invalidate my feelings because they don’t have the same perspective that i have. I’m trying to understand and accept and keep going one step at a time. Your channel really helps me feel like I’m not broken, my brain just processes things differently. ❤❤️🩹
I don’t have tik tok, but my Aha moment came when I watched your video about autism in woman. After I watched that one, I watched your video about autism and adhd and it felt like a popcorn machine went off inside my head🤣
I ❤ Embrace Autism. The thoroughness of the test descriptions and the compassion with which they are explained shows a genuine understanding of what we may need as potentially Autistic readers.
I've always been a toe-walker/runner, and toe-stretcher. And I was asked by an old friend and also by a therapist years ago to which I kind of laughed and didn't think it was the case. But it really clicked listening to others on YT talking about their experience which is oddly similar to the traits the therapist brought up. And my partner who worked with two Autistics and did a double take at me and said I had the exact traits.
yes - hearing others talk about their experience was vital for me :) Thanks for your comment!
Life in general always felt hard, so when I saw a funny short about demand avoidance earlier this year, I just went directly for a diagnosis out of frustration (I'm now diagnosed with AuDHD). The actual AHA moment for me was, when my mom told me a while back, that we had a teacher meeting in elementary school, becasue the man had said to the class "we will write a sentence now", and I did EXACTLY that. For 45 minutes. I wrote a single sentence, while everybody else wrote paragraphs x'DD
My aha moment was from one of your videos about traits of female autism. I have almost all of the traits you mentioned.
My aha-moment came from the last medical certificate from my previous psychiatric clinic - they thought it should be examined. Yet where I live now they are the healthcare is totally dismissive of it. So I am just self-diagnosed and "peer-reviewed", and damn has it changed a lot. Started researching myseld after pros suspecting it.
When it came to me, I didn't turn to TikTok while searching for answers about autism. At the age of 28, I began to notice my differences. I experienced frequent meltdowns and observed repetitive movements like stimming. I often repeated sounds and words, a condition known as echolalia and palilalia, and someone else noticed these behaviors before I did. It wasn't until I was 30 years old that I received diagnoses of autism and ADHD. Although I had been diagnosed with ADHD as a child, I didn't fully recognize it until I was 28.
My son is mid/high functioning autistic. When I read that it was genetic, and then a comment from my father about my mother's stimming, caused me self-reflection. Yes, I am autistic too.
I’m still not sure but that’s because I can’t figure out if I am a narcissist or autistic. Family says it’s the first behind my back but I was apparently diagnosed as a child with autism but that was hidden from me so I wouldn’t “use it as an excuse.”
I just struggle majorly with socializing. I found out about autism from counselors who told me two things: “you’ll be fine when you get away from your family.” “Have you been diagnosed with autism.”
I've never been on Tik Tok. I've often wondered if I was on the spectrum because of some sensory issues, but never looked further into why I responded in certain situations the way I did. I heard Katherine May on We Can Do Hard Things talk about being dx'd at age 39 and immediately related. I've now been officially dx'd. Thanks for talking about Dr. Sanders!
I'm now learning how to live my life to accommodate my needs. Holy Cow! What a difference.
I agree, if you resonate with something, always worth investigating why.
My aha moment was when i was interviewed by the doctor for my childs assesment, he asked, did you daughter have normal eye contact when growing up, and i could not answer, so i told him, i dont know, i have problem with eye contact, and he just laughed and said, yeahh... I have since gone through my own assessment and been diagnosed
I was 17 when I got diagnosed about fourteen years ago and the spread of awareness that led to the discovery of so many more autistic people and them becoming more understanding and then the wave of support systems and bloggers and groups that have come about that then led to more people becoming understanding until it led to a full shift in society and how society treats people dealing with mental health issues and the way that then. 30 years ago when I was born the world was a complete hell scape for Neuro divergent people and now I truly feel a society of like minded autistic adults is forming and once we start putting our collective efforts we could truly do something amazing and show them how long we've been overlooked for no reason other then peoples selfish stubborn world views and we will get to be the ones who got to witness it
wait..other autistics scrunch their toes in their shoes secretly so no one else can see??? 😳 haha. here I thought I was being covert and clever
I knew I'd get someone! 😎
I didn't have one spectacular "aha!" moment, but more like a slow dawning realization. But if I had to point to one thing that made me think 'wait, maybe this is possible' it wasn't so much realizing I was autistic as that I WASN'T neurotypical. I was watching a lot of ADHD/Autism videos on CZcams and saw a couple of videos with NT spouses talking about what it was like living with someone on the autism spectrum, and I realized how much I absolutely couldn't relate to the NT spouses' way of thinking at all. "When you have eliminated all which is impossible, then whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth." -Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
'Ah ah' process for me: cyclical periods of fatigue, combined with spending loads of time with ND children, until a few questions sparked in my head that lead me to your diagnosis story video 🎉
I have never used tic tok. but ultimately my opinion is this: no one who feels good in themselves and is thriving would ever be "tricked" into thinking they have a disorder from watching videos. It's almost always people that are struggling in some way or another and feel unable to identify why. Now, weather it is " ADHD " " autism " or " childhood neglect " or " C-PTSD " it is a POSITIVE step to A. Find a community and B. find some techniques that might work for you. Personally i related to all 3 of the above given they all have a lot of crossover and have found useful information in writing and education on all 4. And Im sure I am not alone. Ultimately these are descriptions of symptoms its less CLEAR than a broken arm or a cold and that is OK - it just means what will help is different for each individual. The brain is amazing and fascinating.
You asked for it! Undiagnosed Autistic Toe Walker here! 🙋♀️ I was in track for a short period in the 8th grade and it was hell explaining why I can't run heel-toe because it hurts. I have to run on my toes. I was one of our best sprinters and the worst long distance runner 😂
My feet are so conditioned to always be on my toes! Been doing this as long as I can remember.
Hello Taylor Hope you had a good 4th of July.
I don't use Tiktok, but I can relate to this, especially with youtube, reddit, etc. I've always known I was autistic, but now Im also suspecting ADHD as well, and i've been getting lots of ADHD content online on yoututbe here, and connecting with ADHD people and creators, as well as autistic.
I never suspected that I had ADHD, but looking back at my actions, and what my teachers, and family said, there are major signs.
I struggled to focus, pay attention in class, was disorganized in class, would forget things at times, and had a tendency to show up late to class. I would also get up out of my seat in class and doodle in class, and had strong emotional reactions as a boy.
Watching this, it occurred to me that our constant worry about taking something away from people with higher support needs is kind of like infomercials. A lot of the odd items sold on infomercials were designed for people with disabilities. They're marketed to the general public because the items couldn't sell enough to exist otherwise. In a way, by allowing the autism community to grow, by welcoming people with lower support needs, maybe the voices of the community as a whole can be amplified so that supports for everyone can keep improving.
Hey Taylor, it started with The Highly Sensitive Person for me, too. I listened to Elaine’s book over and over, resonating with what she wrote. Upon further research I found that HSP could mean Autistic… and thus continued the research and realization that “Wow! I think I’m Autistic.”
I was in the gifted and talented classes here in Texas, as a kid, so that was another sign…
But yeah, I feel much more comfortable in my skin realizing that I’m an autistic woman, and it’s ok that I view the world differently. In fact, I seem to find beauty that others look past… you know, in the details.
Aha: we started exploring whether our son was autistic and somewhere in the process, my wife was like: “and what if all the misunderstandings we have could be explained by you also being on the spectrum?” That was a bombshell. It caught me off guard, but I started researching, doing all the tests, reading, watching videos and I was like - damn, she might be right
A quick Tiktok saying something to the effect that not everybody feels about spoons the way that autistics do slammed into me with surprising force. All the rejection and bullying I received in primary and high school for being "different" or "strange" no matter how hard I tried. Sleeping away an entire year at 17 years old, major depression unable to work for 2 years at 30. Never able to work full time again, overwhelmed by light, sounds, skin sensations, all of it pointing toward something I never realised and no doctor ever suggested.
When I realised that my favourite content creators on Tiktok were autistic, I threw myself into research and took the quizzes. All of it points to the same thing. I'm autistic and it is simultaneously a relief and very scary.
I can't pursue an official diagnosis yet due to my personal situation but I think I would probably benefit with seeking online conversations with other autistic people. I'm just scared to take the next step just in case I'm wrong.
When I was in my twenties, my teenage brother was suspected to have Asptergers. I remember back then I thought that if I was a boy I would have Aspergers for sure. Forward to current times. 4 years ago CZcams recomended to me (possibly due to my psychology special interest) Aspergers from the Inside channel (Autism from the Inside nowadays) and the patterns were there. And this is how my journey has started. I've started understanding so many things about me and my mental health struggles as back then I got stuck in my therapy process. I've been past working thru a lot of trauma but still many things didn't work and being a functioning adult was a constant struggle with never ending feelings of fatigue, poor health and new health issues showing up. I've got my diagnosis in May this year.
I don't have tik tok but this came up for me on CZcams. I resonate with a lot of the information I came across. I've been diagnosed with bipolar, anxiety disorder, and OCD. None of those diagnoses cover what I experience. All of the medications I take don't help. My oldest daughter is autistic and I realized I should get assessed as well. I was diagnosed.
My kids knew I was autistic before I did. I had recently discovered for myself that I was probably affected by C-PTSD symptoms and could resonate with that and with the HSP type as I feel super empathetic. Then one day my daughter says 'Mum I think you're autistic'. I said 'what? don't be daft!' I was under hte impression that you couldn't be empathetic and sensitive and autistic. Then I found out I could. I've been learning more everyday ever since. I still think 'really???' and wonder. I took the tests and it's in the zone but not super high scores. I don't know anything about anything anymore. I mean who does? Life is weird and hard.
I saw someone on CZcams talking like me but said they were Autistic…. I went down the rabbit hole that night and had an appointment with my internist/physician the next day. I made a list of all my quirks and she agreed I should be tested. I was diagnosed before TikTok.
I've always watched a lot of psychological / self-help content on CZcams, and one day I finally clicked on Taylor's '16 Overlooked Autistic Traits in Women' video, which I'd been seeing in my recommended feed for a while at that point.
While I resonated with many of the traits she mentions in that video, my a-ha moment actually came a while later, when I discovered the purported connection between infant colic -- a condition my mom never tired of complaining I had when I was a baby -- and Autism. Learning that some doctors believe colic to be a response to sensory overstimulaton that could be an early indicator of Autism in infants made something click inside my brain and down the rabbit hole I went. 🐰
Seeing certain things my son(professionally diagnosed) did as a toddler is what got me thinking.
I started down this journey of autism when I read 'The Highly Sensitive Person' too!
Realizing that my whole life I have been mimicking actors and singers. This was a shock to me. I will walk into a room English, and will walk out French. It was automatic and I had never thought about it. Turns out I've been masking my whole life. I'm 50.
Thinking back to childhood, perhaps me going to my high school dance in a bright pink tinsel dress and silver glitter shoes MIGHT have been a sign.
I didn’t have one single aha moment, I had several little aha moments that was very much like that one post: “Either people with ADHD need to stop being so relatable or I need to go to the doctor“. And they came to be ahas through more and more education about autisms presentation in women and autism and adhd together. Because a lot of things that were initially “ahas” before I started listening to women with autism and audhd individuals I would write off as “well that’s curious but I also do xyz so I can’t have autism”
Recontextualizations of strong memories like remembering being 6 and my grandma told me that I need to smile when happy or no one will know, memories like being constantly reminded to look at people while talking to them and if I can’t look in their eyes look at their eyebrows, memories about spinning and spinning in the big living room, of spending fulfilling hours outside just literally touching grass and looking at it, of learning acceptable phrases in response to questions and practicing them, of having constant melt downs right when I got back from school because I was so overwhelmed so much crying as soon as I felt I was somewhere that I wouldn’t be socially judged. I would sign out books at the library as a 8 year old about idioms and turn of phrases so that whenever someone said something that didn’t make sense I would know what they actually meant, like a codex, studied it like a kid in bible study. Had so many special interests that as a child were ‘acceptable’: dinosaurs->birds->ecology->ocean->animal illustration->art. All of middle school and high school I was great in terms of school work but absolutely struggling socially so I used shared interests(hyperfixations on anime) to socialize and form friendships.
My big thing that had me caught up in “well I can’t have adhd because I don’t have eating sensory issues and textures are fine for me” but the biggest acceptance and understanding that no I do have autism was the recognition that I never was allowed to actually be upset or advocate for my wants in food, or clothing, or the like. I have adhd and with that I learned to view every meal and every texture as a new novel experience to try and find delight in or even if I didn’t like it there was something to learn from about it so I could add it to my mental Rolodex of sensation. I became a vegetarian out of love for animals but also because it meant I had a sense of control over what I ate. And then I got passionate about cooking and baking so food became something fun to learn from.
Having all of these reasons that ‘I couldn’t have autism’ slowly unpacked with my mental health, CPTSD, and listening to other people who had adhd AND autism, or people who were autistic women who grew up with great expectations placed on them so that all of their classic autistic traits were forced into more ‘acceptable’ forms of regulating one’s self gave me the space to ask myself ‘could I have autism’.
Another big hurdle for me on my journey of self acceptance was the idea that it was ‘too much’. That I was looking for excuses that I could fall back on why xyz is hard(internalized ableism abound). Like I’m already severely chronically ill. I have genetic conditions(ones which go hand and hand with autism but I didn’t wanna see it), trauma, and mental health issues. Biggest fear having these things which were finally coming out of the woodwork would be: “am I just looking to collect things that are wrong with me now”(gross internalized ableism). “I have all these things that suddenly make so much of my life make sense, am I just reaching for any other things that can explain away everything else?”
And you know what? Maybe. Maybe I’m looking for more things that help reframe my world in a way that makes sense.
But if making the space for the possibility that I do have autism empowers me to accept and love these things about me that I have neglected and hated about myself when I didn’t need to, is it the end of the world. If autism makes sense and all the advice and guidance that the community has for me to learn from is helpful and I’m not taking away resources, isn’t that good?
So I have allowed myself to be open. I have started being kind to myself, all of myself. I’ve started giving myself space and meeting feeling and experiences I have with openness and compassion.
All of this thanks to the autism community online and around me.
I just got done being evaluated I’m now sitting here wondering if I was wrong. The testing and questions were just so stressful I wanted to break down and just cry. My husband has been such a huge help even pointing out some of the things I do when I watch videos like yours. My first stimming I can think of was nail biting which turned to playing with clicky pens. Now I have a stuffed animal obsession because I couldn’t be a kid at age 3-5 due to cancer and E-coli.
I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder about 7 years ago I kind of ignored until recently. I took an online test RAADS test and got a pretty high score so I talked with the volunteer at my local clubhouse she knew another woman who was misdiagnosed with BPD and we called her and she told me her story which was similar to mine. She gave me the information of the office that diagnosed her with autism. I still haven’t called them I’m just so scared.
For me the realization was how much I was stimming (scrunching toes like you mentioned, but also more visible sometimes).
Never realized it as it was so normal for me.
Got my official diagnosis recently, as a late autistic female just before my 30thies.
It's probably going to end up like ADHD where it's both over and under-diagnosed, meaning there are likely people getting diagnosed or self-diagnosing who aren't really autistic and others who are but are unaware and flying below the radar. Depending on whether they cause problems for the adults around them growing up. I suspected I was autistic for a while because of my highly obsessive/monotropic pattern of interests compared to people around me and because my Dad told me he thought I was. But after researching it more, I don't think I am because I don't have much of the other hallmark traits (sensory issues, frequent meltdowns, I can recognize facial/bodily expressions, etc.). I suspect I might be ADHD or just at the far end of the neurotypical bell curve and happen to be a nerd who is a white male so it looks like the autism stereotype, but regardless the autism community is useful because they talk about common problems I also have (i.e. autistic inertia, transition difficulties) when nobody else is talking about these things.
You don't have to have meltdowns or extreme sensory issues to be autistic. I have learned that my defense mechanism is shut down- I don't cry, I don't yell, I turn into a statue or a useless blob. As for sensory stuff, the more I talk about my experiences, the more I realize I'm extra sensitive to sights and sounds. I didn't think I had sensory issues, but it's certainly not neurotypical to get so angry when I hear a dog panting to the point that I feel like I'm being stabbed by the sound. Just food for thought. I hope you find the best words to describe whatever it is you are experiencing.
Hi Taylor, I noticed that my brain was taking in information and changing that information into a simplified version of that same information.
Also I noticed that my brain was changing what I naturally wanted to say and changing it into something that it thought was more socially correct, then I could hear stress in my voice when I was trying to articulate myself in this socially correct manner.
Being told by the autistic community that I was welcome in autistic spaces and was allowed to call myself autistic even if I wasn't 100% sure was so important and reassuring for me.
I doubted myself for so SO long and allowed the people complaining about "kids self diagnosing on tiktok" to make me question my behavior. But the more I allowed myself to be autistic, the more I uncovered old childhood memories, the more I realized how absurd that was. I asked to be assessed for autism when I was SIX! When I was 3, I was fully convinced I was an alien sent to Earth to observe human activity & behavior. It was the only way I could make sense of the clear neurological difference between me and everyone else. I was told I was shy all throughout my childhood. I finally realized shy people are not silently screaming at themselves to speak in their own heads because their body isn't obeying them. I was semi-verbal.
The issue isnt social media lying to us to make us believe we are autistic. The issue is society lying to us to make us believe we are not.
You talked about scrunching your toes and I looked down and realised I had been scrunching mine without realising.
It’s funny how I used to think I didn’t stim. I am _always_ stimming in one way or another.
One of my customers said it to their table and that's when I started looking into it.
A deep level of anxiety in social situations since I was a child and as a result seeking solitude (sometimes not by choice but rejection for been different) and isolation to regulate. I was diagnosed at 47 but I don't have doubts about the diagnosis.
I am so grateful to you-and have that “agape” love for you and what you do (no worries-I’m dramatic [“Dramatic Dad” is what my kids call me, but I’m sincere and harmless 🙂]).
I’m a semi-retired shrink, and I always had at least a handful of patients just like me-and, for the life of me, I couldn’t “figure them (or me) out”-they were terribly likable people but I just.coukdn’t.get.them.better.
Now, ADHD/ADD and (and some rather odd characters) run in my family (my great grandfather would get up in the morning, put a suit on, and sit in a chair all day…my great grandmother would go to work as a street vendor. This went on their whole lives…their son-my great uncle-worked as the “elevator operator” (open the elevator gate, close it, push the buttons) for years…
The “aha” moment?
I watched a CME series on ADHD a few months ago …cutting edge stuff. The presenter was a younger guy, wicked smart, and a psychiatrist/researcher at a local elite university. Almost offhandedly, he said, “Now remember, about 1/3 of ADHD people have autism as their core diagnosis.”
I said to myself: “This is crazy. No way.”
But I followed up and read the research, and the evidence was crystal clear: he was right!
This led to more reading-eventually I learned about “masking” and “camouflaging” and, well, my head almost exploded with self-recognition (and a million other emotions):
“All my life, I thought I was the only one who does this. My God. I’m not alone.”
I found your channel and here we are.
Thank you for all you do.
I am a HUGE fan, send your channels to the people I now recognize as belonging to this “long-lost tribe”, and hope to dedicate a future practice to helping the long- (and, until now) quietly-suffering masked autistics among us.
You are indispensable. ❤
My aha moment was hearing people talk about how autism and ADHD mask each other… ADHD was an easy diagnosis after my daughter was… but the light bulb just blew up when I started learning about how they mask each other making it difficult to diagnose either.
My kind of aha moment was Claire's (Woodshed Theory) video called: "I was a serial hugger". I immediatly went to mum asking her when it started that I was hugging people.
Im 37 have my formal assessment in 4 days.
I've started to feel like I'm making it all up but then I had a meltdown because I touched wet food in the sink the other day
I started researching autism more than 10 years ago because I was dating someone diagnosed with autism and i wanted to understand them better. The more I read, the more things started to sound like me... I was self dx for about 5 years and last year I got an official AuDHD diagnosis. Like you said, everything is the same, and nothing is the same.
I’m four seconds in, and 1) I do not have TikTok; I rely on my sister to curate TikTok videos for me-largely cat-related videos, and 2) if anything, people sharing their autistic experiences makes me think, “Maybe I’m _not_ autistic,” because some of their experiences are different from mine.
For reference, I have not been officially diagnosed autistic (too expensive for me at the moment), but I’ve taken a ton of online assessments (some recommended here), and I’ve done a fair amount of research. Nothing gives me a sense of belonging and a vocabulary to explain why I have been the way I am my entire life like my belief that I am AuDHD. (I *do* have an official ADHD diagnosis, for which I am medicated.)
It was very helpful that time you sang "Baltimore!" describing viewing a sports match.
The autism content videos started around the same time I began my deep-dive special interest into moss and boy did the CZcams algorithm hone it's craft. I should just send a screenshot to a doctor for full diagnosis.
8:33
The first time I actually really needed proper support (soon after my diagnosis) felt really weird. It felt weird because I felt like I’d never need such support. I used to think something along the lines of: “I’m not like that.” Though I honestly did make use of some sort of support before my diagnosis, staying at school after hours to help with planning and do homework.
Nowadays, I’m used to having support but I need to find the right sort of support for my circumstances. Now, a frequent assumption of other people is that I’m smart and can articulate things pretty well, so I should be fine when it comes to really banal, neurotypical skills. That’s… not the case. Not at all.
Being in autistic burnout (before knowing about the term and sharing it with loved ones), it is really frustrating to hear that ‘everyone goes through this’. I’m now 18 years old and couldn’t really fit in at and adapt to uni, so I quit. Big changes can be impactful to everyone, yes. But the sheer intensity of isolation and autistic burnout that followed are not something everyone experiences.
My first suggestion that I was autistic was from Reddit (I know, not a good place lol).
I spent a good 3 years gaslighting myself with the usual stuff. The "Everyone has quirks" or "It's not that bad as they say"
I never had friends growing up so I was definitely lacking that diagnostic tool of experience.
At 24, I accidentally found a friend group in college and Ithey referenced the show Community and Abed. I watched one episode and I had never related to a character more in my entire life. I genuinely saw myself as him in flashback form.
I read "Look Me In The Eye" and found out someone else was like me.
But I do find myself following a lot of neurodivergent creators, even before knowing they are. I just GET them. A lot of the musicians I listen to are neurodivergents, too.
So I have a hyperlexic son. We were dx less than a week apart, and I had another hyperlexic dad comment on one of my posts about special interests, and he said in his opinion, the epitome of autism is attachment to inanimate objects.
I’ve always tied knots down entire strings (from a particular blanket because texture isn’t right with any other one). I have these on my body all day and night and constantly rub the bundle of knotted strings between my fingers. I was like whoa.. that is autism. Then the deep dive began 👀