I’m only 15 min into this show and tearing up remembering how it all started for my 34 yr marriage, which I finally escaped this year. My ex did ALL of that, and I was confused and couldn’t figure out why he was always so oppositional. The gas lighting, denial, projection, blame shifting, deflection were all present in our marriage and when he started doing all of that to our 17 yr old daughter, I finally got the courage to leave him. My advice to those who are experiencing ANY of this… LEAVE! Do not think you can fix him or help him change. You will only enable him, and he will only become more entitled. They are master manipulators.
I’m so glad to hear you made it out! 🎉🎉It’s gut wrenching when you witness this happening to your children and see how devastating it is to their mental health. I hope you’re both finding ways to work through all of it and be well. Finding the right therapist and support groups that understand this type of abuse is essential. Wishing you the best! Thanks for tuning in! 💛🌞
All my children have been turned against me and they behave just like them. I am almost out of it…. our son mirrors him. It is so creepy as he’s only 17. This is genetics also from the toxins, parasites and poisons … in the end they will be lost and he will find one of the children to target.
I agree the ex came onto my new property this year unscrewed my side gate I have a dog, then another time smeared crap 💩 under my bedroom window, a month later three a giant sack of peanuts on my roof woke me and my dog up and for three months had birds pelting my house. So finally filed police reports. Then a month later he went through my garbage. Which I kept in my garage, padlock side gate and put up security and cameras. Then came the smear campaign by complete stranger 🙄😳. So filed another police report. I’ve thought about protecting orders but had two in Utah and he ignored them.after each battery or escalating the police removed his guns then gave it back two years later, restraining order after I moved he got the gun again freaking crazy. So a little scared to do that so I have a civil restraining outline such don’t say bad things stay away blah... so I have a call into family to see about suing him plus restraining order. I’m sick of going to counseling every time he threatens and harasses me I deserve my life back. He’s got his new source/victim kept him enjoy that. Getting divorced didn’t give him the green light to continue abusing. These perpetrators are dangerous very doubtful they ever change. Their behavior is worse than a junior high kid so immature!
The best way to break someone free from this mindset is to watch it played out in someone else's life and eventually you see the similarities in your own life. Also it's very slow. Baby steps with small realizations. Don't give up.
Evans' book was among the first ones I found when I was looking for help with my marriage to a very critical and controlling man. Having grown up with two parents who were similar, I had little self-worth, and believed I was broken and needed fixing. Evans' book helped me begin to understand what I was dealing with. I will always be grateful.
Once I got a text message from my ex. In this text message he called me names and told me what I am at least 13 times. I counted it, because at this point I finally recognized what happened. When I tried to talk to him about this, he didn't apologize, no. He said: "Who count that? Which crazy person listens and counts such thing? You are not normal." I am so glad I now can look back and see what happened.
Congrats on getting out and gaining perspective on all of it. It's interesting that he flipped the situation. It's common with abusers. Rarely are they able to see their part in anything and empathy is not something they're capable of feeling.
When you get into circular conversations trying to explain proper adult behaviors to another adult, you have your red flag right there. Either he can't understand or doesn't want to be held accountable. Either way, that's not a person capable of being an equal partner. Glad you got out.
This same thing happened to me. I used to save the text because he would later deny he said those things. It was all I could do to keep myself sane. He said only someone sick would save texts like that
When I read Patricia's book my biggest take away was the fact that until you read a book like this your way of relating to a verbally abusive person is based on misconceptions. This is the abusers greatest weapon- thriving off of the misconceptions people have about them. They are well aware, and have no intention of filling you in on all the details, and misleadings. They chose you because you have a mindset that has compassion, and you may generally believe the best in someone. You're also putting alot of your time and energy into looking for scenarios that may be attributed to this behavior. Oh they are feeling upset because they are hurt etc. Abusers count on this, know this, then act accordingly while striking you with their tongue and putting your questioning into a closet because of the abuse. You really can get stuck in the what is happening cycle. Gaslighting
My mum truly collapsed with high blood pressure. At the moment I am supposed to suffer from the same symptoms in this state. So far so good. This is a crime.
I’ve spent many years educating myself in the dynamics of verbal abuse and coercive control (a.k.a. power and control). With Patricia’s books being the first ones I read, she provided a solid foundation of understanding that has stood the test of time. This is my first time listening to The Audacious Life and it won’t be my last. Wow, what an amazing and informative conversation! Patricia shared several things that deepened my understanding of the dynamics at work. I feel like a kid on Christmas Day who’s just unwrapped a priceless gift, unaware it’s exactly what I needed! I must listen to this again to glean every bit of wisdom and understanding that’s feeding my soul. 💕🙏 Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!
What a beautifully thoughtful and encouraging message. Thank you!! You’ve made my day. Patricia’s books opened my eyes to so many ideas and validated my experience in ways I’m still grateful for 7 years later. Her ideas were (are) groundbreaking and so helpful to create understanding.so glad to have you as a listener! 💕☺️
This is so true & So sad that this actually happens to those who truly love the ones who are abusing them. I never had experienced this until recently. I have always heard other women's testimonies but never had a clue until now. It's very sad that a child of God continues to love the enemy that is suppose to love & protect them. The only way I have been sain is by praying & trusting in the Lord to fight my battles. I know this might seem crazy to some but even the the person that is abusing us is loved by the Lord. We wrestle not against flesh & blood. Every situation is different but GOD IS STILL THE SAME YESTERDAY TODAY & FOREVER. BE BLESSED & DON'T FORGET IF GOD BE FOR US WHO CAN BE AGAINST US.
I am the eldest and was gaslighted by my parents for my whole life. They pretended that we had a ghost in the house and moved our stuff, saying it was the ghost. I have decades of stories I could share.
Wow, that''s cruel and twisted. Sounds like you have quite a childhood. Have you written about it? Writing can be a great way to get it out (cathartic) and if you choose to share it, I'm sure it would raise awareness for people who can't imagine parents doing this to their own children.
My husband expects me to read his mind too. Sometimes he will ask me to do something and use words like "hand me that over there," or "I need that thing" when i asked what it was, what is "that" or "thing" he would get mad. So I stopped asking him and just tried to figure it out myself. That didnt work either. When i would bring him the wrong item he started saying "stop acting like you know everything when you dont." And he would tell me to ask him if i wasnt sure. Like wtf. Total brain scrambling. Sometimes he points when he asks for whatever. And he would say "if you would just look at where I am pointing" like he had not pointed to an area that had 25 different tools and things sitting there. He has even told me before that I need to stop thinking and just do what he tells me.
Wow, Sparkle and Cindy Reeves, this is such a trap. I'm sorry you're both experiencing this. I got to the point where I would quietly opt out and when asked in conversation (not in the heat of the moment) I'd say, "I don't seem to be able to help you to your satisfaction and I don't want to waste your time, so I'll let you do it your way so you get it right the first time." I'm NOT advising this if you're in a power struggle and it will trigger him, but calling him on this behavior is empowering to YOU even if he never changes. You're smart, you're helpful, and he's toying with you to chip away at your confidence. If you opt out and it no longer works, it's not as "fun" for him. I hope you're okay. Thankful for you!!
Just wanna say I appreciate seeing the support you've given ppl in the comments. For someone who doesn't know where to turn or start the process of leaving/healing that's a Godsend
Thank you! This means the world to me. I’m about to celebrate my 9 year FREEversary and I’m still healing for sure so my heart goes out to you. 💛 Please let me know if there’s anything you’re wondering about related to this journey but you haven’t found answers. Happy to share other resources. Sending you prayers for peace and freedom. xoxo
My ex husband was verbally abusive and he acted as though I knew his thoughts and he knew mine. He would withhold personal information and wanted me to be "united" with him. I would ask what does that look like. He would say, "you know what it means! So you're telling me that you don't know what it is?" He was making me crazy.
I totally understand this. You're not a mind reader and they're insistent and intentionally vague so you never "get" what they want or how to win in the situation. You're left feeling stupid and like you're never able to catch up or gain their approval. There's no winning. Ever. So glad he's your ex. :-) Phew!!!
Matilda Flodin I’m so sorry. It’s one of the sometimes subtle but deeply troubling things that can effect us, especially children who are trying to make sense of the world. I’m glad that you figured this out. That’s the first step toward healing and moving forward from the past.
@@StephaniRoberts I'm in PDT for anxciety and depression and I think I'm finally healing. At the age of 37 I feel like I'm actually moving forward in my life.
The mother sometimes can raise the boy to have no feelings also discard his feelings not validate them. I know the mother plays a big role in this in a lot of cases.
Nail on the head. Unfortunately, due to gender roles, this was quite common. I see it changing with new parents raising ALL their children to be more in touch with their feelings and learn to verbalize them vs. acting out physically due to frustration. I saw a gret example of this with a mom or 3 boys yesterday. She validated them but also encouraged them to work it out with words.
Wow. I'm so sorry. My dad has been abusive (subtly) for many years, all my life, really. My Mom was the opposite: A loving, supportive person whom many people had deep respect, regard, admiration, and love for. I try to emulate her. I have been in group therapy for three years and have become much stronger. My father doesn't try his junk with me near as much as he used to because he knows I am much stronger and that I don't let him get away with it. I see it. And I call him out more. And, I'll do it in front of others, too. But it's taken a long time to reach this point. I'm 57!
I have spent my entire adult life struggling with the complete confusion of being abused-I knew they were projecting but couldn’t figure out what that meant. This amazing woman gives an accurate understanding of so many of the confusing tactics of abusers-she opened the understanding and set so many people, who never would have been cut lose, free. Thank You!
Thank you! Yes. It’s totally eye opening after struggling years, decades even, to make sense of all the nonsense. She’s wonderful as is Dr. Ramani and Melanie Tonya Evans. They both have excellent CZcams channels. Thank you for listening! TheAudaciousLife.com has more episodes and is up to date. Sending lots of Love and peace your way!
I recently left my verbally abusive partner of 18 years. We have 2 kids it’s been 1 month he says he has changed that he is seeing someone for his anger .... I don’t know what to think
I'm glad you left. Congratulations! They often try to create the illusion of turning around by seeing a therapist or getting into a program - those are great steps but they need to show you by altering their behavior and regaining your trust over time. They shouldn't use the therapy as a carrot to woo you back and give you a false sense of security. That's manipulation. If he's changed he'll accept his part in all of it and allow you the time and space you need to heal and make a decision to go back or not and do so on YOUR TERMS.
If children are seeing mom be gaslit then it is extremely abusive to the children! The damage may not be seen until later so it is important that the abuser be called out on their sin against the victim(s), so that justice can be done and children and wife (or whoever is the target of abuse), can be comforted and the best chance to bring the abuser towards repentance of unrepentant sins. Best chance to heal abuser and help him be a real man, and best chance to prevent children and wife and friends from becoming a gas lighter and abuser, or from becoming victims of abuse🙏
That’s me exactly and I was filling for divorce he attacked me while I was sleep he beat the heck out me broken bones lump in breast strangled black eyes face horrible bruises on my wrists from trying to get him off. I moved out of state he’s still harassing and stalking me.verbal abuse, emotional abuse then comes the physical abuse. He’s also dating and moved this new source into his house. Found out at beauty salon this strange women screamed at me calling me the abuser and batterer, I should he pictures of what he did to, I was mortified she’d seen my pictures and knew about my private finances. Now after doing a background check I found out he lives 30 minutes away from me I’m in Nevada he’s in Utah. My anxiety and depression is awful. Thanks for this blog very helpful.
That’s awful. Such an invasion of your personal life. I know you’re doing all that you can but what do you wish you had help with right now that you don’t? Feel free to list the things that would help you. I’m asking because I’m putting together some resources that go beyond the typical abuse supports that are out there. I’d love to know what you say to yourself...”I wish _______. “ Or “If only I had ________ things would be better and I’d feel safer.” I’m adding you to my prayers and sending thoughts and strength your way. You’re incredibly strong and a fighter. I know you’ll get through all of this nonsense with him and will one day feel truly “free.” That’s my hope and prayer for you. You deserve so much more. Hang in there! Lots of Love. xoxo!!
@@StephaniRoberts thank you so much, I’m working on family attorneys and may contact my Utah divorce attorney for some sensible legal advice because on one hand I do want him to stop but if it’s recommended that I sue him for these infractions than I’ll do it. Honestly I don’t want to see him in court he likes the fear he causes. According to this women who moved this women in with him she fat, so sounds like he picked another vulnerable victim. I didn’t bother asking for any information because it’s none of my business, all this was volunteered, small town mentality I guess. I did send the ex’s older brother he’s a professor at University it was short told I had made 3 police reports if the ex doesn’t stop I’m going to sue for harassing, stalking, damage and defamation of my character. Probably not the smartest thing I’m hoping This brother can get him to cease and desist. It’s hard to get free legal advise because everyone assumes with a restraining order the perpetrator will go away silently problem is they won’t if he gets served again at his work after two years I can assume he could loose his job and get violent he has this gun that he gets back all the time it’s like a symbol status. The first time he got drunk and abusive was his anger over his daughter punching him in face he called the police and had her arrested, I locked myself in a room and told him to sleep it off, that’s when he threatened suicide and to hurt me, I didn’t have a phone on me so I had to calm him down soothed him called his boss and have peace officers come over to remove gun. So for me I’d just sold my house and had moved and furnished all my belongings into our new house in a new state, I was isolated from friends in Vegas, stuck in this situation with not a lot of money’s I’m not saying my decisions were great but victims of abuse have to find a way to survive and make plans to safely get out I did my best. But restraining orders didn’t stop coming him on to my property at night. In Utah FYI women get treated as property it’s a patriarchal state. So I’m thinking with the advice from attorney I’ll have to get retraining orders than civilly sue these attorneys work on contingency and because it is a crime at civil level the judge may make the ex pay for attorneys fee. If he shows up at my house, I’ll have him arrested. My retired cop friend listened and said I’m dealing with a very unstable mentality sick person. Go figure. Luckily I have kept journal events, names, witnesses, video of him removing doorknobs so I was kidnapped, pictures of me beaten up via police taking them, his text and email messages getting worse while I was at shelter, then police reports and calls, oh and his witness buddy who knew who I was and defamed me in her salon along with telling me about my finances these two people if things proceed will have some regrets for causing me emotional harm and physical I can get to you any harm. I don’t do any social media except use a benign name on here. Due to the ex stealing my passwords and putting stuff on my phone and iPad I took it into a professional who help me fix everything, usually I’ll turn off my locations serves on my services mostly. But cannot get new numbers I don’t want to loose any evidence as yet for restraining orders and court a picture speaks a thousand words. Plus I’ll have Brenda down to testify as well she’s counseled me from being in shelter over his abuse ah and my neighbor she’s a professor at the university. Sorry it’s long maybe this could help some else with information or better decision making.
@@kylielogan8771 You are clearly on top of it and not living in paralysis. Super inspired by your post here. I truly hope others read this and learn from your strength and wisdom. You’ve got this!!! It’s just a matter of time. Please know all who read this for support are holding you in their thoughts as we’re all connected and when one of us breaks free and finds justice it supports ALL in the same struggle. You give us hope!! Rock on sister!!!! 👊🏼😘🎁🙌🏼💫🙏🏻✨
Mine always said to me you're going to torture me which was really confusing and now really scary because I know that he was telling me exactly what he was going to do to me he was going to torture me
Does anyone have links they can share for the abusers who want to heal? There is a lot for the victims, but what about the rare abusers who actually want to heal and get help? Please share
I agree. Lundy is a great starting point: lundybancroft.blogspot.com/ - there are other groups out there but I found that many seemed to be more of a front to appear to change to get the woman back when I read their forums. I'll let you know if I find someone to recommend. I know Mickie Zada of Surviving Abuse Network is beginning to coach men who want to change. They have to WANT to change as do the women they've abused.
At some of the domestic violence places sometimes the court will send them for counseling you can always call it is very rare they want to change and attend without being court ordered. Good luck 👍🏻
Great question! Most or all abuser truly want to heal just like drug addicts, alcoholics, porn addicts, adulterers, fornicators, want to stop their overwhelming desire to do evil. They may feel good during their evil deeds, but they feel awful after! The solution is in the scriptures- there is no healing without Christ. In Lundy’s book he says the worst place to get help is in the Church, and this is true! But not for the reason he thinks. Most Churches and Christian’s are frauds, even though many think they are Christians. And truly saved Christians can be deceived also if they misinterpret the Bible and don’t have multiple wise counsel. if they aren’t interpreting and following Gods word accurately! Especially the scriptures for reconciliation need to be followed to draw abusers to Christ. See Mathew 18:15-17 kjv bible and other reconciliation scriptures. And Hebrews 10:24-27, And read and follow the kjv Bible, start with the New Testament and learn how Christ teaches to live, so as to have a God glorifying life and this is your best chance for helping abusers by leading the abusers to Christ to be healed by God. It is also extremely important to find Christlike people and bible believing church that understands the scripture for biblical reconciliation, because, as the wife, it is impossible to hold your husband accountable to follow Christ by yourself! And, if you can find one, it is important to be a part of a bible believing bible following church! A church that doesn’t idolize maintaining the marriage certificate over loving the people in the marriage/family/church! And a Church that doesn’t idolize husbands over Christ! Bible says to not be a respecter of “men” (meaning to treat everyone with equal value before the Lord, be loving towards everyone)! Basically, abusers abuse, because no one loves you or your children or the abuser enough to help you prevent the abuse! Regular Christlike fellowship is extremely important for abusers success at being a loving Christlike person! Abusers need Christlike accountability to get off the evil TV and internet sites, and stopping narcissistic activity like watching playing sports, video games, doing prescription or street drugs, alcohol, marijuana, etc etc etc! Pray and ask God for help🙏
Hi Lois. That's a great question. Therapists who understand personality disorders such as narcissism, sociopaths, and psychopaths generally say that individual counseling for yourself is most helpful. When disordered partners get into counseling they rarely open up and examine their behavior. Instead, they quickly triangulate by winning over the therapist and create a scenario that makes you look like the problem. It becomes sanctioned re-abuse and can put you in a darker place instead of helping you understand, take back your power, and find ways to heal. I recommend reading or listening to Lundy Bancroft's book, "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men." I'm not sure what your situation is but it's a great starting point for understanding what's going on in your relationships and why he may be behaving and reacting the way he does. It's validating and will give you ideas for what to do. I also have an interview with Lundy here or you can find more of his talks on youTube. He's an expert on Angry Men. The book on Amazon... amzn.to/3wdd6gh
I feel something is wrong in the relationship. Discussions happen over the smallest issues and they become a big principled thing where he says that I hurt his feelings. My comments (if I can get anything in between his yelling and raised voice) are taken out of context leaving me wondering what I actually said. I'm a lawyer and I think in nuances whereas he thinks in black and white. That makes him even angrier and whatever I say he only gets angrier. And then I give up, zone out and leave him talking for 2 hours after which I'm worn out. He tells me I'm bad at communicating, he knows how a relationship should be and I don't, he says that I treat him as if he's stupid etc. It can happen every few months (not daily). I would endure the silent treatment that could take days or a week (he says it's for him to cool down and it's not to punish me). It has stopped and he only talks to me about the necessary things, but now I feel an invisible wall when that happens. When I tell him he says that he has stopped giving me the silent treatment. Everything has to be done and happen on his terms and how he wants it. I feel I can't do things right, afraid to take a decision out of fear that he'll dissaprove and berate me for it, and I walk on eggshells waiting for the day he blows up again. However, he can also be fun, loving and caring to me and the kids. So it's not all the time, but often... this leaves me confused whether I'm actually in a verbally and emotional abusive relationship. A few days ago I told him that I want a divorce but I feel the need to be sure that I'm not crazy for identifying this as verbal abuse
I’m so sorry. It’s not clear to me from your message if he’s abusive or if something else is at play. It sounds exhausting and super challenging. Reading it I wondered if he’s possibly high functioning but on the spectrum and missing social cues. Maybe he gets frustrated so he lashes out at you because he *feels stupid* but not because you’re intentionally doing anything to make him feel that way. It’s challenging when two people have vastly different communication styles and one is more nuanced than the other. It’s worth looking into. If he’s undiagnosed it could help you both understand each other better and when he understands himself he may be relieved. It could shift and completely reframe your communication for sure. Hopefully making it lighter! For what it’s worth, you sound reasonable and patient to me. Not lawyerly or strong arming him in your relationship. I hope you’re able to figure it out. ☺️
I'm sorry Maria. I believe you and I'm praying for your safety right now. Have you tried calling to speak to someone? I know it's not easy and you may need to sneak support at this time. Here are a couple that may be helpful to you right now. www.thehotline.org/help/ for domestic violence and emotional or physical abuse. Call 1-800-799-7233. For emotional listening support 24 hours a day call - 1-800-932-4616 (Toll-Free) www.contacthelpline.org/emotional-listening-support If there's someone you trust and can go to for help, please reach out. Leave a message here if you need help getting a message to someone to help you. Hang in there. I'm glad you took this step. Please don't give up. You can turn this around. There are people who want to help you. xoxo
Xeromith Oh no. I know many men dealing with this. I say that often if you listen to the podcast. Unfortunately due to the stigma men want to be interviewed. Are you interested? You don’t have to use your real name. I would love to explore the male side of this topic. You could be a catalyst for validation and creating awareness that could help many men. Let me know, and we’ll figure out how to make it happen. Thank you for your honest response. I hope you’re okay. Sending lots of peace and prayers your way.
How do I respond to my 3 yr old when my husband is verbally abusive to her? Like when she wants to do something he won't even ask what she wants or whatever but just grab her and put her on the floor in an angry manner, or because he told her 5 minutes ago to leave that alone and she comes back and he just slaps her hand and says nothing at all. She comes to me crying and complaining about it. What should I do?
Phoebe DeMouth I’m so sorry to hear this. Have you tried talking to him about your daughters complaints ? You def don’t want to talk badly about him to her, it’s nice that she knows she can talk to you. I hope things get better. The best I could say is talk to him (away from her) about how your daughter feels. Teach your daughter to express herself (“daddy that hurt my feelings, daddy that makes me sad etc)
Do not gaslight her by rejecting/denying her viewpoints. Let her know it IS wrong, and if he says things to weaken and demean her, give her examples of how strong/smart/able, etc she is.
Phoebe, this is so confusing to a child and abusive. He's teaching her to shut down and not express her needs or desires. It's emotionally abusive. I know this is a year or more later but I hope you've found support. A good therapist can help but it's challenging to find them right now. There are parenting classes through DSS and whatever child protective services are in your area. You can take those classes and speak to the instructor about what's happening with your husband's behavior toward your daughter. A good instructor can give you steps to take and they may begin documenting or followup. By taking the class you're showing serious concern for raising your child in the most healthy way.
What is the correct spelling of the word Patricia uses in this Video "Sensay", (my best effort) she said something like being with a verbally abusive person changes your "Sensay"... Correct spelling & mearning please?
Great question. I’ll listen again, but she may be saying senses. Being with a verbally abusive person put you on high alert and you can become overly sensitive expecting and bracing for the worst. Even taking neutral words of someone non -abusive and assuming what they’ve said is negative because you become so used to hearing dismissive, demeaning, disrespectful comments.
Here's the thing though. I always hear women speaking horribly to and about their partners, but we don't consider that verbal abuse . In fact, we always say things like, "he pushed her to it." Verbal abuse is horrible whether it comes from a male voice or a soft, feminine voice. Abuse is abuse and there is not justification for it.
I agree. There has to be a level of mutual respect to have a healthy relationship. It’s not okay for either party to negate, invalidate, or emotionally denigrate and diminish their partner.
No. If someone else is present the someone else is more important. I am invisible. In fact he may like showing them and me that he has more respect for others than for his partner. He gives more credit to others for jobs I do very often and very well...He makes a pan handler of me for reimbursements promised, and speaks damnation tones upon me over five dollars, which I tried to explain politely. My mother was worse and my father too; but now my partner, so to speak. Verbal abuse is severe physical abuse; but how do you prove it? His friends may or may not revel in the better status, at my expense. Yes. This will interfere with my ability to perform concerts. I also have been kept from spiritual support groups for women.
Betania, when you look inside your soul, the one that your heavenly father created, do you see his love? Or do you see 1 Corinthians 15:33? Ultimately, who do you really need to provide proof to when, as Corinthians talks about, the dead are raised? Even if the people who are in your life don't see, I hope that you can go to the last section of this article bible.org/article/verbal-abuse, and know that there is at least one entity that sees what is happening to you. This is going to be a long and tough journey, but there is someone who is going to be real close to you as you walk your path. On a more practical note, documentation is helpful. Not for those who turn away from the cries of a person's soul, but so that you can show this to your future self and to the friends and allies you will gain in your journey. If it is not safe for you to keep a log with you of what your partner says, one thing that might help is to go to reddit.com/r/offmychest/, make an account, and keep your logs there (and on Google Drive, just in case). Not only will you get a datestamp in case you need to go to the courts, but you will find that there are many kind people out there who want to hug you, even if it's only virtual. And even if you get an Internet troll (I have not yet experienced this), you will still find that there are strangers out there through whom the Lord speaks words of love. Knowledge too will help. You have Internet access. Look up everything you can on verbal abuse, even if you can't do this in real life. My heart aches for you, but I won't pray that this will be easy. If getting into Heaven was easy, we'd all be there. I pray that, as you go through the darkness of your current life, you will find the diamonds that lay only in the deepest darkest parts of the Earth. This darkness is where true bravery is mined, the kind that will help you climb back into the light no matter how bad things look at the present time. If I may quote someone a little less Bible-related, "I'd rather die on my feet, than live on my knees" - Emiliano Zapata
Betania, this sounds so familiar. I've been there. How are you now? I hope you're getting support and things have changed for the positive. 💛💛💛 If you'd like to give us an update, we'd love to hear. You're in my thoughts and prayers.
I'm so sorry to hear this Lisa. It sounds like you got out, glad you did. I hope you're safe. Sending Love and appreciation for you! You're incredibly brave and powerful beyond measure. xoxo!!
I hate to inform the experts, but men are not the only verbal abusers. I waited 27patient years to try and find a way to deal with my abusive "partner" and finally gave up when I saw her spreading her domaneering personality over her children. Try treating the problem as a problem and not a gender
Definitely Richard! Thanks for writing this. I've seen this many times and we get into this in the podcast though clearly, we need episodes highlighting men who've been abused. Sadly, they're not as likely to come forward publicly for fear of no one believing them or being shamed by other men. I have family members in this type of relationship and it's heart-wrenching to see what they go through. The men I've spoken to feel trapped financially and emotionally. The threats against the children, his reputation, and financial ruin are extreme. If you'd like to share your story and shed some light on this issue I'd like to interview you. I'm sorry to hear that you endured this for 27 years. Sounds like you got out to protect the children. BRAVO!!! Have you been able to get the support you need?
oh...support. um. no. not at all. The worse part about being a guy is that you have no rights. My current life is an injustice I have no way to fix, and it is because I took action to leave where I was. Courts laugh at men who "need help." They will help a woman, though.
Yes he put on pedestal, when I’m human I make mistakes, found out his mother sexually abused him in fact the whole sick family. I made my mind to leave at that point. The ex hates women and mothers and has issues with children. He even got investigated by CPS let me tell you I never knew any of this until month before escaping.he was on psychiatric drugs, drinking and hiding bottles. He said he was going to AA and psychologist I’m not sure if he actually went plus he did gaslight me all the time. My step kids didn’t want to be with him they run straight into my arms, when the ex wasn’t home the kids were like Velcro it was so cute. But one got arrested for domestic abuse, the twelve year old got put on psychiatric drugs just a sad mess, bad father. I’ve not contact but he won’t leave me alone either by stalking or smear campaigns. So I’m looking at taking him to civil court my divorce decree has a no contact no defamation etc... restraining orders in Utah didn’t work, and can do one here in Nevada but knowing he lives 30 minutes away on Utah side. And purposely dated and moved her in with him. I moved here to new state for a new start not to get followed. It’s just bad he did this on purpose power and control.
Oh my goodness Kylie, that’s a lot to contend with. Please keep yourself safe and don’t mention where you live ON ANY SOCIAL MEDIA. Turn location settings off on your images for any photos you post. Be super safe. I’m adding you to my prayers and I’m so glad you broke free of his grip. I fully support your case against him. Document, document, document. You’re amazing!!! Be strong and stay SAFE!!! ✨💛✨
So are all human beings. Do you know how many people I know who have toxic, narcissistic mothers? Not all women are wonderful. Part of empowerment is accountability. If you are a toxic person who hurts others, I'm calling you out on it, regardless of your genitalia. Forget this "support all women" nonsense.
I’m only 15 min into this show and tearing up remembering how it all started for my 34 yr marriage, which I finally escaped this year. My ex did ALL of that, and I was confused and couldn’t figure out why he was always so oppositional. The gas lighting, denial, projection, blame shifting, deflection were all present in our marriage and when he started doing all of that to our 17 yr old daughter, I finally got the courage to leave him. My advice to those who are experiencing ANY of this… LEAVE! Do not think you can fix him or help him change. You will only enable him, and he will only become more entitled. They are master manipulators.
I’m so glad to hear you made it out! 🎉🎉It’s gut wrenching when you witness this happening to your children and see how devastating it is to their mental health. I hope you’re both finding ways to work through all of it and be well. Finding the right therapist and support groups that understand this type of abuse is essential. Wishing you the best! Thanks for tuning in! 💛🌞
All my children have been turned against me and they behave just like them. I am almost out of it…. our son mirrors him. It is so creepy as he’s only 17. This is genetics also from the toxins, parasites and poisons … in the end they will be lost and he will find one of the children to target.
Patricia Evans explains this projection so accurately and so clearly. it's really sickening. This is like being in a relationship with a toddler.
I agree. I thought she had surveillance in my home the first time I spoke to her and read her books. Man toddler was the word I used.
I agree the ex came onto my new property this year unscrewed my side gate I have a dog, then another time smeared crap 💩 under my bedroom window, a month later three a giant sack of peanuts on my roof woke me and my dog up and for three months had birds pelting my house. So finally filed police reports. Then a month later he went through my garbage. Which I kept in my garage, padlock side gate and put up security and cameras. Then came the smear campaign by complete stranger 🙄😳. So filed another police report. I’ve thought about protecting orders but had two in Utah and he ignored them.after each battery or escalating the police removed his guns then gave it back two years later, restraining order after I moved he got the gun again freaking crazy. So a little scared to do that so I have a civil restraining outline such don’t say bad things stay away blah... so I have a call into family to see about suing him plus restraining order. I’m sick of going to counseling every time he threatens and harasses me I deserve my life back. He’s got his new source/victim kept him enjoy that. Getting divorced didn’t give him the green light to continue abusing. These perpetrators are dangerous very doubtful they ever change. Their behavior is worse than a junior high kid so immature!
The best way to break someone free from this mindset is to watch it played out in someone else's life and eventually you see the similarities in your own life. Also it's very slow. Baby steps with small realizations. Don't give up.
Evans' book was among the first ones I found when I was looking for help with my marriage to a very critical and controlling man. Having grown up with two parents who were similar, I had little self-worth, and believed I was broken and needed fixing. Evans' book helped me begin to understand what I was dealing with. I will always be grateful.
Once I got a text message from my ex. In this text message he called me names and told me what I am at least 13 times. I counted it, because at this point I finally recognized what happened. When I tried to talk to him about this, he didn't apologize, no. He said: "Who count that? Which crazy person listens and counts such thing? You are not normal."
I am so glad I now can look back and see what happened.
Congrats on getting out and gaining perspective on all of it. It's interesting that he flipped the situation. It's common with abusers. Rarely are they able to see their part in anything and empathy is not something they're capable of feeling.
When you get into circular conversations trying to explain proper adult behaviors to another adult, you have your red flag right there. Either he can't understand or doesn't want to be held accountable. Either way, that's not a person capable of being an equal partner. Glad you got out.
This same thing happened to me. I used to save the text because he would later deny he said those things. It was all I could do to keep myself sane. He said only someone sick would save texts like that
When I read Patricia's book my biggest take away was the fact that until you read a book like this your way of relating to a verbally abusive person is based on misconceptions. This is the abusers greatest weapon- thriving off of the misconceptions people have about them.
They are well aware, and have no intention of filling you in on all the details, and misleadings. They chose you because you have a mindset that has compassion, and you may generally believe the best in someone. You're also putting alot of your time and energy into looking for scenarios that may be attributed to this behavior. Oh they are feeling upset because they are hurt etc. Abusers count on this, know this, then act accordingly while striking you with their tongue and putting your questioning into a closet because of the abuse. You really can get stuck in the what is happening cycle. Gaslighting
My mum truly collapsed with high blood pressure. At the moment I am supposed to
suffer from the same symptoms in this state. So far so good. This is a crime.
I’ve spent many years educating myself in the dynamics of verbal abuse and coercive control (a.k.a. power and control). With Patricia’s books being the first ones I read, she provided a solid foundation of understanding that has stood the test of time. This is my first time listening to The Audacious Life and it won’t be my last. Wow, what an amazing and informative conversation! Patricia shared several things that deepened my understanding of the dynamics at work. I feel like a kid on Christmas Day who’s just unwrapped a priceless gift, unaware it’s exactly what I needed! I must listen to this again to glean every bit of wisdom and understanding that’s feeding my soul. 💕🙏 Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!
What a beautifully thoughtful and encouraging message. Thank you!! You’ve made my day. Patricia’s books opened my eyes to so many ideas and validated my experience in ways I’m still grateful for 7 years later. Her ideas were (are) groundbreaking and so helpful to create understanding.so glad to have you as a listener! 💕☺️
This is so true & So sad that this actually happens to those who truly love the ones who are abusing them. I never had experienced this until recently. I have always heard other women's testimonies but never had a clue until now. It's very sad that a child of God continues to love the enemy that is suppose to love & protect them. The only way I have been sain is by praying & trusting in the Lord to fight my battles. I know this might seem crazy to some but even the the person that is abusing us is loved by the Lord. We wrestle not against flesh & blood. Every situation is different but GOD IS STILL THE SAME YESTERDAY TODAY & FOREVER. BE BLESSED & DON'T FORGET IF GOD BE FOR US WHO CAN BE AGAINST US.
Hope you're ok now and God heard your prayers
I do understand. I don’t think you’re crazy. I am busy learning how to be fearless & construct my boundaries. Have you read Patricia‘a book?
I am the eldest and was gaslighted by my parents for my whole life. They pretended that we had a ghost in the house and moved our stuff, saying it was the ghost.
I have decades of stories I could share.
Wow, that''s cruel and twisted. Sounds like you have quite a childhood. Have you written about it? Writing can be a great way to get it out (cathartic) and if you choose to share it, I'm sure it would raise awareness for people who can't imagine parents doing this to their own children.
My husband expects me to read his mind too. Sometimes he will ask me to do something and use words like "hand me that over there," or "I need that thing" when i asked what it was, what is "that" or "thing" he would get mad. So I stopped asking him and just tried to figure it out myself. That didnt work either. When i would bring him the wrong item he started saying "stop acting like you know everything when you dont." And he would tell me to ask him if i wasnt sure. Like wtf. Total brain scrambling. Sometimes he points when he asks for whatever. And he would say "if you would just look at where I am pointing" like he had not pointed to an area that had 25 different tools and things sitting there.
He has even told me before that I need to stop thinking and just do what he tells me.
TOTAL EXACT SAME
Wow, Sparkle and Cindy Reeves, this is such a trap. I'm sorry you're both experiencing this. I got to the point where I would quietly opt out and when asked in conversation (not in the heat of the moment) I'd say, "I don't seem to be able to help you to your satisfaction and I don't want to waste your time, so I'll let you do it your way so you get it right the first time." I'm NOT advising this if you're in a power struggle and it will trigger him, but calling him on this behavior is empowering to YOU even if he never changes. You're smart, you're helpful, and he's toying with you to chip away at your confidence. If you opt out and it no longer works, it's not as "fun" for him. I hope you're okay. Thankful for you!!
Me toooo! Constantly baiting me, because I had morphed into the most compliant shell of a person and he couldn’t get me to fight with him.
That is wild 😜
I love Patricia Evans' work! Her work has helped me enormously.
Just wanna say I appreciate seeing the support you've given ppl in the comments. For someone who doesn't know where to turn or start the process of leaving/healing that's a Godsend
Thank you! This means the world to me. I’m about to celebrate my 9 year FREEversary and I’m still healing for sure so my heart goes out to you. 💛
Please let me know if there’s anything you’re wondering about related to this journey but you haven’t found answers. Happy to share other resources. Sending you prayers for peace and freedom. xoxo
You just explained my entire life.
My ex husband was verbally abusive and he acted as though I knew his thoughts and he knew mine. He would withhold personal information and wanted me to be "united" with him. I would ask what does that look like. He would say, "you know what it means! So you're telling me that you don't know what it is?" He was making me crazy.
I totally understand this. You're not a mind reader and they're insistent and intentionally vague so you never "get" what they want or how to win in the situation. You're left feeling stupid and like you're never able to catch up or gain their approval. There's no winning. Ever. So glad he's your ex. :-) Phew!!!
cienergi i
As a child, I was gaslighted by especially my sister and some other siblings and also my mother. It's messed up.
Matilda Flodin I’m so sorry. It’s one of the sometimes subtle but deeply troubling things that can effect us, especially children who are trying to make sense of the world. I’m glad that you figured this out. That’s the first step toward healing and moving forward from the past.
@@StephaniRoberts I'm in PDT for anxciety and depression and I think I'm finally healing. At the age of 37 I feel like I'm actually moving forward in my life.
Awesome awesome awesome info. Blessed me. Her book "Controlling People" was a lifesaver for me many years ago.
The mother sometimes can raise the boy to have no feelings also discard his feelings not validate them. I know the mother plays a big role in this in a lot of cases.
Nail on the head. Unfortunately, due to gender roles, this was quite common. I see it changing with new parents raising ALL their children to be more in touch with their feelings and learn to verbalize them vs. acting out physically due to frustration. I saw a gret example of this with a mom or 3 boys yesterday. She validated them but also encouraged them to work it out with words.
This is very recognizable for me from the past...
My dad has been abusive for so many years that the closest person in my life (my mom) is almost a carbon copy of him.
Wow. I'm so sorry. My dad has been abusive (subtly) for many years, all my life, really. My Mom was the opposite: A loving, supportive person whom many people had deep respect, regard, admiration, and love for. I try to emulate her. I have been in group therapy for three years and have become much stronger. My father doesn't try his junk with me near as much as he used to because he knows I am much stronger and that I don't let him get away with it. I see it. And I call him out more. And, I'll do it in front of others, too. But it's taken a long time to reach this point. I'm 57!
@@drdancerlisa good for you 🙏💚🕊🙇♂️
I have spent my entire adult life struggling with the complete confusion of being abused-I knew they were projecting but couldn’t figure out what that meant. This amazing woman gives an accurate understanding of so many of the confusing tactics of abusers-she opened the understanding and set so many people, who never would have been cut lose, free.
Thank You!
Thank you! Yes. It’s totally eye opening after struggling years, decades even, to make sense of all the nonsense. She’s wonderful as is Dr. Ramani and Melanie Tonya Evans. They both have excellent CZcams channels. Thank you for listening! TheAudaciousLife.com has more episodes and is up to date. Sending lots of Love and peace your way!
I recently left my verbally abusive partner of 18 years. We have 2 kids it’s been 1 month he says he has changed that he is seeing someone for his anger .... I don’t know what to think
Trust your gut.
I'm glad you left. Congratulations! They often try to create the illusion of turning around by seeing a therapist or getting into a program - those are great steps but they need to show you by altering their behavior and regaining your trust over time. They shouldn't use the therapy as a carrot to woo you back and give you a false sense of security. That's manipulation. If he's changed he'll accept his part in all of it and allow you the time and space you need to heal and make a decision to go back or not and do so on YOUR TERMS.
google G stay away. Live for your children.
This is excellent. Thanks.
If children are seeing mom be gaslit then it is extremely abusive to the children! The damage may not be seen until later so it is important that the abuser be called out on their sin against the victim(s), so that justice can be done and children and wife (or whoever is the target of abuse), can be comforted and the best chance to bring the abuser towards repentance of unrepentant sins. Best chance to heal abuser and help him be a real man, and best chance to prevent children and wife and friends from becoming a gas lighter and abuser, or from becoming victims of abuse🙏
That’s me exactly and I was filling for divorce he attacked me while I was sleep he beat the heck out me broken bones lump in breast strangled black eyes face horrible bruises on my wrists from trying to get him off. I moved out of state he’s still harassing and stalking me.verbal abuse, emotional abuse then comes the physical abuse. He’s also dating and moved this new source into his house. Found out at beauty salon this strange women screamed at me calling me the abuser and batterer, I should he pictures of what he did to, I was mortified she’d seen my pictures and knew about my private finances. Now after doing a background check I found out he lives 30 minutes away from me I’m in Nevada he’s in Utah. My anxiety and depression is awful. Thanks for this blog very helpful.
That’s awful. Such an invasion of your personal life. I know you’re doing all that you can but what do you wish you had help with right now that you don’t? Feel free to list the things that would help you. I’m asking because I’m putting together some resources that go beyond the typical abuse supports that are out there. I’d love to know what you say to yourself...”I wish _______. “ Or “If only I had ________ things would be better and I’d feel safer.”
I’m adding you to my prayers and sending thoughts and strength your way. You’re incredibly strong and a fighter. I know you’ll get through all of this nonsense with him and will one day feel truly “free.” That’s my hope and prayer for you. You deserve so much more. Hang in there! Lots of Love. xoxo!!
@@StephaniRoberts thank you so much, I’m working on family attorneys and may contact my Utah divorce attorney for some sensible legal advice because on one hand I do want him to stop but if it’s recommended that I sue him for these infractions than I’ll do it. Honestly I don’t want to see him in court he likes the fear he causes. According to this women who moved this women in with him she fat, so sounds like he picked another vulnerable victim. I didn’t bother asking for any information because it’s none of my business, all this was volunteered, small town mentality I guess. I did send the ex’s older brother he’s a professor at University it was short told I had made 3 police reports if the ex doesn’t stop I’m going to sue for harassing, stalking, damage and defamation of my character. Probably not the smartest thing I’m hoping This brother can get him to cease and desist. It’s hard to get free legal advise because everyone assumes with a restraining order the perpetrator will go away silently problem is they won’t if he gets served again at his work after two years I can assume he could loose his job and get violent he has this gun that he gets back all the time it’s like a symbol status. The first time he got drunk and abusive was his anger over his daughter punching him in face he called the police and had her arrested, I locked myself in a room and told him to sleep it off, that’s when he threatened suicide and to hurt me, I didn’t have a phone on me so I had to calm him down soothed him called his boss and have peace officers come over to remove gun. So for me I’d just sold my house and had moved and furnished all my belongings into our new house in a new state, I was isolated from friends in Vegas, stuck in this situation with not a lot of money’s I’m not saying my decisions were great but victims of abuse have to find a way to survive and make plans to safely get out I did my best. But restraining orders didn’t stop coming him on to my property at night. In Utah FYI women get treated as property it’s a patriarchal state. So I’m thinking with the advice from attorney I’ll have to get retraining orders than civilly sue these attorneys work on contingency and because it is a crime at civil level the judge may make the ex pay for attorneys fee. If he shows up at my house, I’ll have him arrested. My retired cop friend listened and said I’m dealing with a very unstable mentality sick person. Go figure. Luckily I have kept journal events, names, witnesses, video of him removing doorknobs so I was kidnapped, pictures of me beaten up via police taking them, his text and email messages getting worse while I was at shelter, then police reports and calls, oh and his witness buddy who knew who I was and defamed me in her salon along with telling me about my finances these two people if things proceed will have some regrets for causing me emotional harm and physical I can get to you any harm. I don’t do any social media except use a benign name on here. Due to the ex stealing my passwords and putting stuff on my phone and iPad I took it into a professional who help me fix everything, usually I’ll turn off my locations serves on my services mostly. But cannot get new numbers I don’t want to loose any evidence as yet for restraining orders and court a picture speaks a thousand words. Plus I’ll have Brenda down to testify as well she’s counseled me from being in shelter over his abuse ah and my neighbor she’s a professor at the university. Sorry it’s long maybe this could help some else with information or better decision making.
@@kylielogan8771 You are clearly on top of it and not living in paralysis. Super inspired by your post here. I truly hope others read this and learn from your strength and wisdom. You’ve got this!!! It’s just a matter of time. Please know all who read this for support are holding you in their thoughts as we’re all connected and when one of us breaks free and finds justice it supports ALL in the same struggle. You give us hope!! Rock on sister!!!! 👊🏼😘🎁🙌🏼💫🙏🏻✨
Mine always said to me you're going to torture me which was really confusing and now really scary because I know that he was telling me exactly what he was going to do to me he was going to torture me
Does anyone have links they can share for the abusers who want to heal? There is a lot for the victims, but what about the rare abusers who actually want to heal and get help? Please share
Look up Lundy Bancroft and your question. He has this online.
I agree. Lundy is a great starting point: lundybancroft.blogspot.com/ - there are other groups out there but I found that many seemed to be more of a front to appear to change to get the woman back when I read their forums. I'll let you know if I find someone to recommend. I know Mickie Zada of Surviving Abuse Network is beginning to coach men who want to change. They have to WANT to change as do the women they've abused.
At some of the domestic violence places sometimes the court will send them for counseling you can always call it is very rare they want to change and attend without being court ordered. Good luck 👍🏻
Great question! Most or all abuser truly want to heal just like drug addicts, alcoholics, porn addicts, adulterers, fornicators, want to stop their overwhelming desire to do evil. They may feel good during their evil deeds, but they feel awful after!
The solution is in the scriptures- there is no healing without Christ. In Lundy’s book he says the worst place to get help is in the Church, and this is true! But not for the reason he thinks. Most Churches and Christian’s are frauds, even though many think they are Christians. And truly saved Christians can be deceived also if they misinterpret the Bible and don’t have multiple wise counsel. if they aren’t interpreting and following Gods word accurately!
Especially the scriptures for reconciliation need to be followed to draw abusers to Christ. See Mathew 18:15-17 kjv bible and other reconciliation scriptures. And Hebrews 10:24-27, And read and follow the kjv Bible, start with the New Testament and learn how Christ teaches to live, so as to have a God glorifying life and this is your best chance for helping abusers by leading the abusers to Christ to be healed by God.
It is also extremely important to find Christlike people and bible believing church that understands the scripture for biblical reconciliation, because, as the wife, it is impossible to hold your husband accountable to follow Christ by yourself! And, if you can find one, it is important to be a part of a bible believing bible following church! A church that doesn’t idolize maintaining the marriage certificate over loving the people in the marriage/family/church! And a Church that doesn’t idolize husbands over Christ! Bible says to not be a respecter of “men” (meaning to treat everyone with equal value before the Lord, be loving towards everyone)!
Basically, abusers abuse, because no one loves you or your children or the abuser enough to help you prevent the abuse!
Regular Christlike fellowship is extremely important for abusers success at being a loving Christlike person! Abusers need Christlike accountability to get off the evil TV and internet sites, and stopping narcissistic activity like watching playing sports, video games, doing prescription or street drugs, alcohol, marijuana, etc etc etc!
Pray and ask God for help🙏
Where do I get this counseling
How successful is the counseling for couples and where does a person get information? Thanks
Hi Lois. That's a great question. Therapists who understand personality disorders such as narcissism, sociopaths, and psychopaths generally say that individual counseling for yourself is most helpful. When disordered partners get into counseling they rarely open up and examine their behavior. Instead, they quickly triangulate by winning over the therapist and create a scenario that makes you look like the problem. It becomes sanctioned re-abuse and can put you in a darker place instead of helping you understand, take back your power, and find ways to heal.
I recommend reading or listening to Lundy Bancroft's book, "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men." I'm not sure what your situation is but it's a great starting point for understanding what's going on in your relationships and why he may be behaving and reacting the way he does. It's validating and will give you ideas for what to do.
I also have an interview with Lundy here or you can find more of his talks on youTube. He's an expert on Angry Men.
The book on Amazon...
amzn.to/3wdd6gh
I feel something is wrong in the relationship. Discussions happen over the smallest issues and they become a big principled thing where he says that I hurt his feelings. My comments (if I can get anything in between his yelling and raised voice) are taken out of context leaving me wondering what I actually said. I'm a lawyer and I think in nuances whereas he thinks in black and white. That makes him even angrier and whatever I say he only gets angrier. And then I give up, zone out and leave him talking for 2 hours after which I'm worn out. He tells me I'm bad at communicating, he knows how a relationship should be and I don't, he says that I treat him as if he's stupid etc. It can happen every few months (not daily). I would endure the silent treatment that could take days or a week (he says it's for him to cool down and it's not to punish me). It has stopped and he only talks to me about the necessary things, but now I feel an invisible wall when that happens. When I tell him he says that he has stopped giving me the silent treatment. Everything has to be done and happen on his terms and how he wants it. I feel I can't do things right, afraid to take a decision out of fear that he'll dissaprove and berate me for it, and I walk on eggshells waiting for the day he blows up again. However, he can also be fun, loving and caring to me and the kids. So it's not all the time, but often... this leaves me confused whether I'm actually in a verbally and emotional abusive relationship. A few days ago I told him that I want a divorce but I feel the need to be sure that I'm not crazy for identifying this as verbal abuse
I’m so sorry. It’s not clear to me from your message if he’s abusive or if something else is at play. It sounds exhausting and super challenging.
Reading it I wondered if he’s possibly high functioning but on the spectrum and missing social cues. Maybe he gets frustrated so he lashes out at you because he *feels stupid* but not because you’re intentionally doing anything to make him feel that way. It’s challenging when two people have vastly different communication styles and one is more nuanced than the other.
It’s worth looking into. If he’s undiagnosed it could help you both understand each other better and when he understands himself he may be relieved. It could shift and completely reframe your communication for sure. Hopefully making it lighter!
For what it’s worth, you sound reasonable and patient to me. Not lawyerly or strong arming him in your relationship. I hope you’re able to figure it out. ☺️
There is little , or nothing I can do here.My life is not safe here.
I'm sorry Maria. I believe you and I'm praying for your safety right now. Have you tried calling to speak to someone? I know it's not easy and you may need to sneak support at this time. Here are a couple that may be helpful to you right now. www.thehotline.org/help/ for domestic violence and emotional or physical abuse. Call 1-800-799-7233.
For emotional listening support 24 hours a day call - 1-800-932-4616 (Toll-Free) www.contacthelpline.org/emotional-listening-support
If there's someone you trust and can go to for help, please reach out. Leave a message here if you need help getting a message to someone to help you. Hang in there. I'm glad you took this step. Please don't give up. You can turn this around. There are people who want to help you. xoxo
Maria: L E A V E ‼️
All about women! What about the men suffering from verbal abuse in their marriage?
Xeromith Oh no. I know many men dealing with this. I say that often if you listen to the podcast. Unfortunately due to the stigma men want to be interviewed. Are you interested? You don’t have to use your real name. I would love to explore the male side of this topic. You could be a catalyst for validation and creating awareness that could help many men. Let me know, and we’ll figure out how to make it happen. Thank you for your honest response. I hope you’re okay. Sending lots of peace and prayers your way.
How do I respond to my 3 yr old when my husband is verbally abusive to her? Like when she wants to do something he won't even ask what she wants or whatever but just grab her and put her on the floor in an angry manner, or because he told her 5 minutes ago to leave that alone and she comes back and he just slaps her hand and says nothing at all. She comes to me crying and complaining about it. What should I do?
Phoebe DeMouth I’m so sorry to hear this. Have you tried talking to him about your daughters complaints ? You def don’t want to talk badly about him to her, it’s nice that she knows she can talk to you. I hope things get better. The best I could say is talk to him (away from her) about how your daughter feels. Teach your daughter to express herself (“daddy that hurt my feelings, daddy that makes me sad etc)
FILM HIS SORRY BEHAVIOR.THEN TURN HIM IN TO CHILD PROTECTION SERVICES.
Do not gaslight her by rejecting/denying her viewpoints. Let her know it IS wrong, and if he says things to weaken and demean her, give her examples of how strong/smart/able, etc she is.
LEAVE‼️‼️‼️
Phoebe, this is so confusing to a child and abusive. He's teaching her to shut down and not express her needs or desires. It's emotionally abusive. I know this is a year or more later but I hope you've found support. A good therapist can help but it's challenging to find them right now. There are parenting classes through DSS and whatever child protective services are in your area. You can take those classes and speak to the instructor about what's happening with your husband's behavior toward your daughter. A good instructor can give you steps to take and they may begin documenting or followup. By taking the class you're showing serious concern for raising your child in the most healthy way.
What is the correct spelling of the word Patricia uses in this Video "Sensay", (my best effort) she said something like being with a verbally abusive person changes your "Sensay"... Correct spelling & mearning please?
Great question. I’ll listen again, but she may be saying senses. Being with a verbally abusive person put you on high alert and you can become overly sensitive expecting and bracing for the worst. Even taking neutral words of someone non -abusive and assuming what they’ve said is negative because you become so used to hearing dismissive, demeaning, disrespectful comments.
Here's the thing though. I always hear women speaking horribly to and about their partners, but we don't consider that verbal abuse . In fact, we always say things like, "he pushed her to it." Verbal abuse is horrible whether it comes from a male voice or a soft, feminine voice. Abuse is abuse and there is not justification for it.
I agree. There has to be a level of mutual respect to have a healthy relationship. It’s not okay for either party to negate, invalidate, or emotionally denigrate and diminish their partner.
No. If someone else is present the someone else is more important. I am invisible. In fact he may like showing them and me that he has more respect for others than for his partner. He gives more credit to others for jobs I do very often and very well...He makes a pan handler of me for reimbursements promised, and speaks damnation tones upon me over five dollars, which I tried to explain politely. My mother was worse and my father too; but now my partner, so to speak. Verbal abuse is severe physical abuse; but how do you prove it? His friends may or may not revel in the better status, at my expense. Yes. This will interfere with my ability to perform concerts. I also have been kept from spiritual support groups for women.
Get AWAY! RIGHT AWAY.
Betania, when you look inside your soul, the one that your heavenly father created, do you see his love? Or do you see 1 Corinthians 15:33?
Ultimately, who do you really need to provide proof to when, as Corinthians talks about, the dead are raised?
Even if the people who are in your life don't see, I hope that you can go to the last section of this article bible.org/article/verbal-abuse, and know that there is at least one entity that sees what is happening to you. This is going to be a long and tough journey, but there is someone who is going to be real close to you as you walk your path.
On a more practical note, documentation is helpful. Not for those who turn away from the cries of a person's soul, but so that you can show this to your future self and to the friends and allies you will gain in your journey. If it is not safe for you to keep a log with you of what your partner says, one thing that might help is to go to reddit.com/r/offmychest/, make an account, and keep your logs there (and on Google Drive, just in case). Not only will you get a datestamp in case you need to go to the courts, but you will find that there are many kind people out there who want to hug you, even if it's only virtual. And even if you get an Internet troll (I have not yet experienced this), you will still find that there are strangers out there through whom the Lord speaks words of love.
Knowledge too will help. You have Internet access. Look up everything you can on verbal abuse, even if you can't do this in real life.
My heart aches for you, but I won't pray that this will be easy. If getting into Heaven was easy, we'd all be there. I pray that, as you go through the darkness of your current life, you will find the diamonds that lay only in the deepest darkest parts of the Earth. This darkness is where true bravery is mined, the kind that will help you climb back into the light no matter how bad things look at the present time.
If I may quote someone a little less Bible-related, "I'd rather die on my feet, than live on my knees" - Emiliano Zapata
L E A V E ‼️
Betania, this sounds so familiar. I've been there. How are you now? I hope you're getting support and things have changed for the positive. 💛💛💛 If you'd like to give us an update, we'd love to hear. You're in my thoughts and prayers.
My second husband did this. Time Stamp, @ 52:00 minutes+ he set me up for ACCIDENTS. I escaped with little.
I'm so sorry to hear this Lisa. It sounds like you got out, glad you did. I hope you're safe. Sending Love and appreciation for you! You're incredibly brave and powerful beyond measure. xoxo!!
Just throw the whole husband away lol
I hate to inform the experts, but men are not the only verbal abusers. I waited 27patient years to try and find a way to deal with my abusive "partner" and finally gave up when I saw her spreading her domaneering personality over her children. Try treating the problem as a problem and not a gender
Definitely Richard! Thanks for writing this. I've seen this many times and we get into this in the podcast though clearly, we need episodes highlighting men who've been abused. Sadly, they're not as likely to come forward publicly for fear of no one believing them or being shamed by other men. I have family members in this type of relationship and it's heart-wrenching to see what they go through. The men I've spoken to feel trapped financially and emotionally. The threats against the children, his reputation, and financial ruin are extreme. If you'd like to share your story and shed some light on this issue I'd like to interview you. I'm sorry to hear that you endured this for 27 years. Sounds like you got out to protect the children. BRAVO!!! Have you been able to get the support you need?
I'm a volunteer. interview me. I'm not shy.
oh...support. um. no. not at all. The worse part about being a guy is that you have no rights. My current life is an injustice I have no way to fix, and it is because I took action to leave where I was. Courts laugh at men who "need help." They will help a woman, though.
I agree.. I have seen many women fall into the abuser role also, and I think often it is both parties one feeding into th other
Did Patricia Evans say on another vid that she's seen way more verbally abusive men change, than verbally abusive women?
Yes he put on pedestal, when I’m human I make mistakes, found out his mother sexually abused him in fact the whole sick family. I made my mind to leave at that point. The ex hates women and mothers and has issues with children. He even got investigated by CPS let me tell you I never knew any of this until month before escaping.he was on psychiatric drugs, drinking and hiding bottles. He said he was going to AA and psychologist I’m not sure if he actually went plus he did gaslight me all the time. My step kids didn’t want to be with him they run straight into my arms, when the ex wasn’t home the kids were like Velcro it was so cute. But one got arrested for domestic abuse, the twelve year old got put on psychiatric drugs just a sad mess, bad father. I’ve not contact but he won’t leave me alone either by stalking or smear campaigns. So I’m looking at taking him to civil court my divorce decree has a no contact no defamation etc... restraining orders in Utah didn’t work, and can do one here in Nevada but knowing he lives 30 minutes away on Utah side. And purposely dated and moved her in with him. I moved here to new state for a new start not to get followed. It’s just bad he did this on purpose power and control.
Oh my goodness Kylie, that’s a lot to contend with. Please keep yourself safe and don’t mention where you live ON ANY SOCIAL MEDIA. Turn location settings off on your images for any photos you post. Be super safe. I’m adding you to my prayers and I’m so glad you broke free of his grip. I fully support your case against him. Document, document, document. You’re amazing!!! Be strong and stay SAFE!!! ✨💛✨
Women must stand on feminism. Women need to feel empowered to be independent. Women are wonderful and wholly justified in their own existence.
So are all human beings. Do you know how many people I know who have toxic, narcissistic mothers? Not all women are wonderful. Part of empowerment is accountability. If you are a toxic person who hurts others, I'm calling you out on it, regardless of your genitalia. Forget this "support all women" nonsense.
Sounds very much like bpd/ npd introject -the dream woman, until she starts talking.....
Yeah, came here to get help with verbal abuse from co-workers, but instead this is only man-hating, and women who are abused in relationships. Meh.
You are responsible for helping yourself as well, www.bullyonline.org
Seriously... is this lady talking about the mail ejecting a husband from his sanity drunk?