Am I Who They Want?
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- čas přidán 7. 04. 2020
- I’d like to introduce you to ‘Sarah.’ I’ll be sharing some of her story and how she, a betrayed spouse, was completely shell-shocked by her unfaithful husband’s grieving for his affair partner, yet he still wanted to save his marriage. It’s one of the most difficult discussions I have with couples who are trying to heal. I’ll also share with you a pivotal exercise for any couple who is trying to find new life and momentum after discovery.
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I feel that the initially betrayed spouse can try to forgive too soon and try so hard to not think or talk about it. Then it eats away at you and before you realize it, you’re in the path of some form of revenge affair. I think I’m currently doing that and I feel really hypocritical and stupid right about now
👆🏽👆🏽 this is me
I am really hurt hearing that he is grieving the loss of her because it might be true. And that he fell in love and in that fantasy. It made me triggered and i had to stop what i was doing because now I’m crying. He doesnt have the right to grieve her! He never had the right to cheat, and now he’s grieving her?? He was the one who didn’t do any plannings with me and he went and did that with her!. Dont he realized that all the needs i lacked was also needs he doesn’t have? It’s both our needs that arent met and he just abandoned me like that. I miss the old him who was faithful and loved me so much. I don’t want this changed him.
I'm so sorry....I know how hard this is. We've been given a sh*t hand, and now have to deal with the ramifications of something we wouldn't wish on our worst enemy. It's not fair. I keep telling myself that I must have been horrible in a past life to deserve this Karma. But we will survive. And we will do it with dignity 💖
I don’t think he is grieving her, I think it is the fantasy the how he was feeling. It is not about her in particularly.
I had this fantasy about my first boyfriend for a long time, and when I saw him again after 14 years I felt like a teenager again I had a emotional affair and he ended it, I was devastated but it wasn’t about him it was about what he provided for me that emotional connection that my husband wasn’t and even though I communicate it, my husband just ignored me, so my fantasy helped me escaping my reality when I should just have moved on and live the life I wanted.
We are scared of making changes in our life that we settled for less
@@monicafitzpatrick4848settling for less, what does that even mean? People expect so much from their partner. Why couldn’t you meet some of these needs for yourself or via a platonic relationship. Honestly if he was a good husband in other ways this was on you and your unrealistic expectations.
Limerance is when you THINK you are crazy in love with someone, but you’re only crazy about the fantasy life you’ve got together. It can’t last.
you cheat on me, then you need to grieve the loss of the other woman?? let me save you the trouble. next.
My husband said I was the love of his life and the only woman he wanted, then proceeded to reconnect with his mistress and start gaslighting me all over again. He is not capable of truth and this is not the 1st, 2nd or even 3rd time so I am done with this marriage and done losing all of myself for someone that clearly doesn't choose me. I'm confused why he even married me, at this point. May 13th will be 21 years but I have filed for divorce.
The crazy part is that it is not falling in Love they don't understand. It is an illusion they falling for and more of falling for Lust. Falling for Sin. To many people run to this thought of happiness that is always self centered without thinking the consequences that will affect their spouse, their children, etc. Love is a decision, but it is also sacrifice, doing the right thing, and it is unconditional. When they so called fall out of love with their spouse and so called fall in love with another still married is Sin and justify creating another relationship is turning love into conditional which is always wrong.
It’s hard to believe they love you when you see in text that they don’t really love you like she should but you read she’s madly in love with her affair partner. It’s hard to believe in anyone or anything anymore.
Guess just screwed then, or not, if Unfaithful just wants to forgive and forget the past. Seems like she dies NOT realize it may be in the past for her, but very real and NOW for the Betrayed who just learns of the betrayals with little to NO knowledge of who, when, where, how often, and more importantly are they over! All these cam drive a person mad, especially when confession is to having "multiple" affairs and that's the extent of what is divulged!!!
I've enjoyed watching these videos and I have made comments on several .this particular one hits home as a betrayed spouse( twice )no matter what happens you will never really know where you stand .even though both wives eventually said I was the guy they wanted, the fact of the matter is on that particular day you chose someone else .it was a heads-up Choice .it wasn't like I was a drunk or I was cheating .I was a good guy ;yet in spite of all that ,you chose that person instead of me .and nothing can ever change that .my only advice to all the Betrayed spouses out there is this: be the better, person rise above it, know that the hurt will never go away but that you are the better person for it .you can wake up every morning look in the mirror and say :I did the right thing ;the Unfaithful can Never do that. FYI it's been 10 years since the second D-Day .so I've been down a long road.
Thank you for your sharing. This is exactly what I'm trying to be, the better person, for me.
@@agoodgurl2k Goodluck. I'm so glad that my post helped you out. In a way ,it helps me too by knowing that all of my hurt somehow was able to help someone else . 🙏
Hi I am also twice a betrayed spouse and thank you for your story. They say if the root of the unfaithful’s problem isn’t solved they will relapse and it will happen again. My husband didn’t believe that he says there’s no issues he just was being selfish. But i know the issues are with his mother that never put him first (men and her needs ALWAYS came before him growing up). Do you think this is also true in your situation looking back?
You are so right, the hurt never goes away. You can forgive but you will never forget - I don’t think the betrayed ever really heals 100%, and I think that’s why God gave adultery as an out, it hurts too much.
Thank you for sharing.
It’s such a Herculean effort to forgive someone for this. I really admire anyone that is this selfless and strong. I don’t know if I am.
“You’re husband didn’t stop loving you”…lol…
Oh…ok then!
🙄
Problem with the questions is if you are in a place where you don't know who you are any longer, what do you dream about and you don't remember what they were, no feelings, feeling numb. They do sound good, I'll give it a try.
Another great video. Thanks Wayne
April 5th is my second D-Day. My husband now has a son. Currently taking care of my mom with dementia. I’m exhausted. I can’t even look at my spouse now. 😞
I'm so grateful for your videos, especially in moments when pain arrives. Thank you!
So greatly appreciate these videos. U guys are so encouraging n insightful..God bless u for sharing this
What do I do if my unfaithful wife doesn't want to address the affair and only wants to work on the marriage problems? I have told her how I feel about that (since I have been watching these videos and read the articles for 4-plus years since D-Day).
Remain in a passionless and visionless marriage and haven't heard my wife say she loves me un 7-plus years. Breaks my heart daily as I wonder if she even wants me as her spouse.
As difficult as this sounds, please start working on you. I'm no expert so I'll leave that to Samuel but I'll throw something out there for you to think about... how is your self esteem? I'm a firm believer in everyone is going to have relationships that differ because we are all different. It doesn't make them wrong necessarily, just makes them different. But if you're sacrificing what you want from a marriage just to stay together, I think it's time to reevaluate. And I feel that should start with you. Everyone deserves to be loved. We are all worthy of that. But we have to learn to love ourselves first. I would start there. Find a counselor or therapist or someone who can help you. Good luck. You are worth the effort. I promise.
I am very sorry for what you are going through
It doesn't sound like a happy healthy marriage. What are the reasons that hold you together? Why did she come back after the affair?
So sorry. I feel you
CJ, the question that must be answered clearly is “are you BOTH 100% into working your marriage?” Doesn’t seem like she’s there. Work on you, you deserve love for yourself and strength to cope. My spouse lied about being all in…I separated, left him to figure himself out. Was it risky? Yeah. Was I fearful of being alone? Yeah. Did I grieve his callousness? Yeah. But with therapy,spiritual work and intensity in new hobbies and volunteering I am healing. And surprisingly he watched some of these videos I sent him. He’s admitted he needed to grow up. You deserve to live and love with a “grown up!”
My husband had an emotional affair (I think that's all it was) with a co-worker for over 2 years. He has recently changed jobs, but is still in contact with her. He seems to not want to do any work on our marriage, just doing this "pretend everything is normal" thing. Anytime I suggest therapy he just avoids the topic, I have pretty much given up. My issue is that I really don't know if he wants to stay married to me, or if he's just here because he doesn't want to end up paying support for me and our son
I really try to stay away from commenting but i feel compelled to. As i do not want and want people to choose the right thing. I’m still working on mine. There are many resources , help and this company is one of them. I’m a nutshell, I want to convey that there is light at the end of the tunnel, just keep on pressing on. Praying is one of the best tool that got me going. There will be days that are dull and seemed to be hopeless and seemed to be that nothing is working. But pray and try to be specific with prayers. I’m now going one year since the unfateful event of divorce, but prayer got
Me through where we are now- that is having a better relationship- communication with my ex. I’m working to save my relationship with him for the sake of my daughter and to
Make everything right and make everything how it was before and make it better marriage or relationship. And there’s absolute hope. Things will
Move and steer in the way where we want it to be. It is hard and difficult but with the help of the higher power, there is nothing impossible. Believe and get help and trust the resources in this site/ company. It’s a work both of u individually and then together but u need the higher power to help u get through it and navigate on everything. Trust in the help of the Higher one and the sends . I wish u the very best. Stay hopeful. ❤️
Why is it they want to rebuild with their spouse?
Really need this right now. 1 year 4 mos. Beginning to wonder if he really truly wants to work and stay? Or does he honestly truly think I don't realize he plays those bs mind games on me?
"Can take months, sometimes years" and they say money can't buy happiness
Very interesting.
What do you call an affair of a wife who got involved both emotionally & physically to his ex boyfriend( first boyfriend), who is already married & why do they chose them?
Yeah she told him that she loved him so it must be deeper.
What if the Unfaithful felt like they did fall out of love with their spouse, get caught, and want to stay?
Yeah
They want to stay for the sake of continuity until they figure out where they want to go.
Where is the list of questions?
Please follow the link above to the full free article, you will find the 27 questions there!
Dont agree that a man can have an affair, grieve for that persons loss but still love his wfe. Does he love his wife for what she does for him? He certainly doent respect her or want to protect her or hold her dear to his heart. That guy does not have a concept of real love. What he has instead is selfish. All for his pleasure. Women continue to be subservient even when being counciled.
Any references for experts in Los Angeles? I have looked and looked and have not been able to find anyone. I am 2 1/2 years out, and I’ve already been to 3 therapist.
Hi there! You can email us at info@hope-now.com for some general resources!
Where do we find these questions for discussion?
Please follow the link above to the full free article, you will find the 27 questions there!
Where are the questions/exercise?
Please follow the link above to the full free article, you will find the 27 questions there!
I don’t see the questions he is referring to. I would like to do them.
Please follow the link above to the full free article, you will find the 27 questions there!
Where can i find the questions?
These things have made me proud...
As a child these were the things I dreamed of...
These things I have yet to accomplish but hope to do...
These things I hope for during my life...
These things I fear...
These things have caused me the most personal embarrassment or shame in life...
These people I have admired... (why)
In the past 24 hours, these things I could have improved on...
Theses things have challenged me... (at least 5)
These beliefs have guided me...
In my heart of hearts, this is the type of spouse I want to be...
These things I still hope to experience in life...
These are unfulfilled dreams I have for you...
These sufferings I've seen you endure...
These things I hope for you...
These things I admire about you...
These goals I still hold for you...
These strengths I see in you...
These are the hopes I have for you...
I see these wounds in you...
These events have molded me...
These wounds I have healed from...
As I go forward in life, I would like to become more...
This is how I'd like to be remembered when I'm gone...
Growing up these were my biggest hurts...
As a child this is what I was most ashamed of...
In our marriage, these things have made me proud...
Hi. Does anyone still see the questions he referred to? I know the video is a year old but I would like to try the questions. Thanks!
Hi, Mary. Have you checked out the full article? I believe the questions you're looking for are at the bottom of my article. I hope this helps!
Sorry, I was watching video and do t see questions attached. I went to library and so far don’t see article. Thanks!
@@marycooler3527 These things have made me proud...
As a child these were the things I dreamed of...
These things I have yet to accomplish but hope to do...
These things I hope for during my life...
These things I fear...
These things have caused me the most personal embarrassment or shame in life...
These people I have admired... (why)
In the past 24 hours, these things I could have improved on...
Theses things have challenged me... (at least 5)
These beliefs have guided me...
In my heart of hearts, this is the type of spouse I want to be...
These things I still hope to experience in life...
These are unfulfilled dreams I have for you...
These sufferings I've seen you endure...
These things I hope for you...
These things I admire about you...
These goals I still hold for you...
These strengths I see in you...
These are the hopes I have for you...
I see these wounds in you...
These events have molded me...
These wounds I have healed from...
As I go forward in life, I would like to become more...
This is how I'd like to be remembered when I'm gone...
Growing up these were my biggest hurts...
As a child this is what I was most ashamed of...
In our marriage, these things have made me proud.
If it was a drunk 1 night stand do you think there was feelings
Where are the questions?
Please follow the link above to the full free article, you will find the 27 questions there!