Dr. 𝐑𝐢𝐜𝐤 𝐁𝐮𝐬𝐡𝐧𝐞𝐥𝐥 talks about the high emotional and psychological toll that comes with trying to live a closeted life. #Comingout #lgbtq #longtermrelationships
I feel your story with every fiber of my soul. I was born in 1960, married my wife when we were 18 yrs old. Had 3 children and stayed closeted and married for 40 yrs. After much therapy I found the strength to come out at age 58. My now ex wife and adult children were very supportive. I surround myself with supportive and caring family and friends. I refuse to acknowledge those who attempt to judge or condemn me. My journey continues!❤
I was married to my accepting wife for 51 years. I cared for her with MS for 26 years. She wasn't able to ambulate for the last 15 years. I am gay and was a Baptist minister. I went through 13 years of reparative therapy including electronic shock therapy. As she approached the end of her life I thanked her for accepting me as her gay husband and she said "Of course. That was easy. Why wouldn't I?" After caring for my wife for so long, I had a heart attack (90% blocked) and a heart attack. But I am now free to be the gay man I always was. I'm not looking for a husband. Too old now. The Baptist Church told me I am not welcome to even attend church. I never was. Bye church.
When a church tells you your aren't welcome, that's not a group to be associated with. Better off without it. I hope you are happy and healthy. Sunday brunch is a gay sacrament😇
I was fortunate enough to avoid the family pressures to 'find a Christian girl, get married, and have our grandchildren'. A late bloomer, or, 'come-outer', I knew that just. wasn't. going to happen. The closest I came to coming out to my parents was when I told them that they needed to let go of all that hetero dream of theirs. They would never have grandchildren. "You don't know that!" ... "Yes. I do."
Your story is a beautiful one. I'm sorry to hear about your beloved wife, what a beautiful lady. I must say that you are one neck of a beautiful man to be able to go to your wife and tell her who you are, you are truly inspiring. Many years ago I was married to a woman that knew about me before we got married, but pur marriage did not last. Today, I am happily married to a wonderful man, we are together for 25yrs. Unfortunately, I'm sending you this message from his hospital room. In June of 2022 Paul was diagnosed with stage 4 prostrate cancer that spread to his spine, he had 23 rounds of radiation. This past December 17th he was having abdominal pain it turned out to be a carcinoid tumor in his abdomen, stage 3 went to his lymph nodes. I don't really know the outcome, but it would be nice to talk with you for I believe we could relate to one another. Take Care, Tom
Dear Ron....thank you for sharing your life joureny with others. I too was a Southern Baptist student in 1971 and I was sexually abused by the President of the college. Back then no one would believe me....I was engaged and I broke it off becasue of the trauma I experienced. I could not understand how God would let me...a servant of His ministry allow this to happen!! I had several bad years of self loathing and drinking to bury the hurt and pain and shame. Then I came to realize that God could use me in another ministry to show LGBTQ people who HE really was and how much He loved THEM!!! Welcome home Ron and thank you for claiming your authenticity and you are still a CHild of God no matter what any church tells you.
As a gay man myself ....you were just lucky you had the ability to get married to a woman and have sexual intimacy with her most of your life. My best friends are women but I was never sexually attracted nor did I have the desire to be sexual with a woman. I came out in 1978 right after high school. I was determined to be who I was and realized I was responsible for my own happiness. So I managed to find a gay bar in my city and found the courage to go inside. That night changed my life forever . I discovered there were so many other men & women just like me ! I met my partner at the age of 22 and we are still together 40 years later. Thank you for sharing your story. Im glad you found the courage to come out and finally be a happy man !
What a happy couple. At last......... Especially for us seniors that grew up in a different era: no one... and I mean NO ONE can possibly understand what it was like to be gay at that time unless you went through it.
And that's the issue with some of the comments from self-righteous people who miss that context entirely. This still goes on in many parts of the world. This is a major issue in Asia and Africa in particular. People do not have choices.
I went through it. There was almost NO SUPPORT in the early '70s when I was dealing with my sexuality in college. Luckily I went to see a mental health therapist and he was the first adult in my life to say "You're gay. So what? Accept yourself!" and I did...
The 'selfish' argument vs. quality of life and actualization has always mystified me. This gentleman made the right decision. The time you took had its pains, but now you can breathe. I get it.
Thank you for telling us your story. I accepted I’m gay at the age of 53. This happened after my divorce from my wife of 28 years. I grew up in a household where my parents had at least one shouting argument a week. My Dad was very homophobic as he proved to me as I grew up. And I knew I was different from other boys at the age of 6. I got a teaching degree (taught 36 years), got married to a girl three houses down from mine, and raised three kids. I made the best of my life. However, as we became empty nesters, my wife showed signs of being unhappy, as did I. She eventually cheated on me and everything went downhill after that. Six years after my divorce I came out to my adult children. All three are accepting of who I am, as well as, my partner of 8 years. I slowly came out to family and friends. I lost some, but I kept most of them. The bottom line is, I too, was living a lie. I lived my life according to what my Hispanic culture and my father expected of me as a man. I’m living my life authentically now and that is a blessing for me.
I'm of the same generation as this man. Grew up moderately religious, then turned spectacularly religious, mostly to deny what was inside me. There were no choices back then...every image of life, every social or legal construct, was of a heterosexual marriage...you knew no other way to live, as the only images of homosexuals were of deranged predatory criminals...and if you weren't a deranged predatory criminal, then you must be straight. God, the suppression and desperation...i couldn't fake it though...it was too obvious what i was, so I basically withdrew from life...still struggle to this day over being able to relate to people, despite finally coming out nearly 30 years ago. Hopefully my generation is the last to go through this...i know many people still struggle, but at least there are choices now that were simply not available back then.
Good for you, but that was very rare when I was a youth in the early '70s. I had to deal with a non-present dad and an abusive mom on top of being gay but I made it through the wilderness. Not all of us got a "loving family" but I'm sure you know that.
Without a doubt, one of the best videos yet of this series. From millions of us out there who are in or who have in the past been in this situation, a big thank you!!!! Whether one identifies as gay or bi, and whether one is currently in or has been a heterosexual marriage, I suspect our numbers are legion.. And the outcomes of such situations are just as varied as the number of individuals involved in them. Interestingly enough, I just finished reading “Bisexual Married Men: Stories of Relationships, Acceptance, and Authenticity” by Robert Brooks Cohen. Just an FYI; this is more of a academic tome - not completely boring, but he does approach it from an academic perspective. The interviews, however, are fascinating - the stories are just a varied as the individuals themselves. Sending good thoughts and best wishes to all who are on their outward journey to self-discovery - no matter their age..
Good for you Rick. Some people leave this planet without living in their true authenticity. And that is extremely sad. Congratulations to you and I wish you and your family the best.💜
I can't tell you how much Rick's story resonates with me. I was born 2 years after the issuance of Executive Order 10450 on April 27, 1953, by President Dwight D. Eisenhower. Even people my age forget the horrific "Error Of That Era". One would think that growing up just across the border out of the city of New York, that it would have been different than a small poor farm in northern Illinois. It was not. I too was in a War Zone at home. I was sent to Lutheran Missouri Synod school for 8 years from 1960-1968. Many of my teachers were imported from the Midwest. Then came the hardest years of Lutheran High School for 4 more years. It was not until around age 21 (1976) was I yanked out of the closet by a psychotherapist. I became an atheist 100% after all of the religious ''brainwashing". Rick's story and the comments below gave me a rush. Each story is unique and similar. I did not marry, some people did. I went through hell but was liberated early enough emotionally to not go through that. It was not easy and still is not easy. Federal laws prohibit discrimination based on a person's national origin, race, color, religion, disability, sex, and familial status but not the at least 11 types of human sexual categories.
I had a similar experience and came out at 38. I lost everything and everyone. I know have a new life in Thailand but have no relationship with my children or my grandchildren and certainly not with my x wife! Certainly is genetic runs in families...I have a gay first cousin, my partner has several gay relatives.
God bless you for finding the courage to come out, our society has a fake notion of what we should follow, stereotype, we need to be real to ourselves and not try to follow what others want us to be, I came out at 21, I'm now 66 and have had a wonderful life
I'm so sorry that you didn't have any supportive friends when you made that huge decision. When I told one of my friends why I was in a mental health institute for my suicidal thoughts, "I'm sexually attracted to the same sex", she replied with an emphatic "Who ISN'T!?" Another friend said, "Did you think that would matter to me? If I was a man, I'd be gay, too." I've been SO lucky. I knew early on that I just. couldn't. involve a woman in the scenario you present here. But I never even came close. I had NO attraction to the girls/women I hung around with, and I'm sure they felt that.
Thank you for putting this video together. I relate so much to a lot of what you said. But it always helps to know we we/are not alone along this journey! Thank you!
I never lied about my sexuality to anyone.... When I was younger, I just didn't say anything about it except to my close friends. I thought, even back then, that I never wanted to marry a woman just to hide who I was. That was, to me, a hurtful thing to do to someone just because of my need to be socially acceptable. Now, believe me when I say that being out to myself or even to close friends in the 1970s in North Dakota caused a lot of pain. Mostly, it was isolation, and those painful moments are still with me today. The balancing act of who could know and who couldn't know was not an easy task. In fact, it kept me from having any kind of love life at all but, I was at least true to myself. I wish I could say that I had a happy ending like yours, but I am now 67 and I have yet to experience the love life you now enjoy. I am, at this point, coming to terms with the fact that I will more than likely live my life alone. In fact, thinking back on my life, I doubt I've actually been on a date with a man. Gay or straight, I think you have to, at least at first, be attractive in some way (financially or physically) to even be in the running for a successful love life. So, in that way, I have to say that my being true to myself was not the sure-fire way I thought it would be to finding someone to share my life with. In the end, I guess it meant that at the very least I accepted who I am, and I didn't hurt anyone except maybe myself in the process.
"Gay or straight, I think you have to, at least at first, be attractive in some way (financially or physically)". So do you think you are attractive in one way or another, if you hope for some love in your life?
Thank you. You are an inspiration. I knew I was gay when I was 11 years old and with some struggle I realized that for my own sanity I had to be true to myself. I’ve been with my love for 41 years. ❤❤
You are Brave beyond words. To grow up in a War Zone must be a ghastly way to begin Life. My Heartfelt gratitude for your open honesty. It is never too late to be who you wished to be. Bravery is a badge of Honour. Australia
Male or female is determined by gender located in the soul not sex characteristics. Transgender people are born that way. The soul enters the body at birth when a baby takes its first breath. That is how a set of identical twins can have the same DNA, the same sex, but be opposite in gender. JESUS was TRANSGENDER, a female man returning as a female woman in a lesbian relationship with a male woman.
Your story is so familiar! It was my life as well! Married to a woman MUCH OLDER THAN ME was the route of life I fell into, now divorced after 25 years of marriage, now have lived with my wonderful male partner am getting ready to go back to mediation next year to finalize no more spousal support! Slavery is not what we need in our life because we did what we were taught to live by! I’m so happy for you & I know the feeling of freedom you now live! I live near Monterey California & would love to meet you one day!
Thanks for checking out Rick’s story and sharing your experience. If you ever visited LA, and wanted to do a video archive, I’d be more than happy to work on your story. ❤️
Thank you for sharing your story. It has hit home for me. It is selfish to lie and live a lie. When you’re lying to yourself and the people you love and you choose to live that lie to fulfill some societal norms that is eating away at you when you yearn to live authentically. This was so liberating to hear. Thank you again for sharing this.
@elijahmarie77444 Why are you quoting Bible verses? Billions of people practice all kinds of religions and/or no religion at all! Even within every religion there are hundreds of not thousands of subdivisions that don't agree on key points. I mean if you're superstitious and have to repent to your favorite higher power, go for it...but don't come out here and spam the comment section with religious comments as if that's a fact, because it isn't! This is not a Bible study class.
@@lgbtqarchives Telling the truth has nothing to do with religion. You just don't like the truth. Acts 3:22 says it will come to pass that anyone that fails to listen to me will utterly destroyed from among the people. It's your choice.
@abjo Not all all. I was talking to you about this other account. He/she is sourcing Bible verses as if that's a scientific resource for Science and Biology. You can never have a fair discussion with that type of mindset. You'll always lose, because Acts 3:22 said so.
@@elijahmarie77444 You copy/paste Bible verses and then say the truth has nothing to do with religion! lol ... You're about to get kicked out. This is not a Bible study class.
How curious that I stumbled across this video. I am currently a FWB with a man I met on a dating/hook-up site for older gay men. I soon learned he has been in the closet his whole life .Two wives and 16 years with both, 2 kids, grand-children, and he's pretty much an alpha type male.. Second wife died a few years back.. First time I went to his home I felt a strong sense of grief. Apparently she died in their home, which he is living in alone now. Then noticed the alcohol.... LOTS of alcohol.. I also noticed he said "I don't eat much" so I assumed he is drinking calories instead of eating and might even be malnourished, so I started bringing food over every time I saw him, vitamins, and also got him back on his drums (which he said he had not been playing much anymore). Was a drummer in a rock band in his youth. I play keyboards so he bought an inexpensive electric keyboard and we started jamming.. I notice you said in this video you were alcoholic as well. This man was borderline dissolute when we met, like a male rag-doll. He is now doing better; the music therapy has helped I guess. I also warned him about driving under the influence, picking up strangers when intoxicated, and the danger of drinking straight from the bottle. He has not been doing that for some time, at least in my presence. I have tried to be a reliable and rock solid friend, a fun and passionate sex buddy, and have witnessed a gradual transformation. I tell myself "It is not your responsibility to fix this man" but I'm one of life's Florence Nightingales, lol. I just try to gently steer him to a healthier life the best I can. He's a fellow musician and i have seen how much joy it brings him to drum along with my versions of Motown, Aretha, The Doors, etc. And I wait... with an open heart for a healthy gay man that I won't feel compelled to "fix". I have encouraged him to come out but I doubt he ever will so "it is what it is". I've seen the end of the road for a man who's lived his whole life in the closet and it is paved with sadness, alcohol, and perhaps hidden regret. I am proud of myself for accepting my sexual identity at 19 when there was ZERO support for gay boys. Thank you for sharing your story, sir.
Thank you very much for sharing your story, and extra thanks for helping this man. Life didn't have to be this complicated for you guys then, but you're here. Would've been great to be able to do an interview with you. Artists and musicians are extra special. Thanks again!
I grew up in a war zone, too. Not so much between my parents, but between my parents and my brothers and me and also between us brothers. The dysfunction reached far so I understand how fear grips one’s path in life and decision making. I grew up in NYC, though, and coming out didn’t seem to be the easiest path, but I saw that it was viable for me. Of course, I mistaked my attraction towards women as sexual because I wasn’t sure how gay I was until I was intimate with women. I lived with a girl that I was in love with for about 2 years and I held myself to her because of the attraction but I realized at some point that I had confused attraction with distraction. So I gave it all up because I started realizing who I was. Coming out completely is a great step to make, but it’s only the beginning because it took a while afterwards to rid myself of my internalized homophobia. Huge step in becoming a mature gay man. Along the way, I realized that not all gay men are successful in this step and it’s because our environment always reminds us that no matter the progress we’re always outsiders and what is taken for granted inside of the margins is a reaction outside of them. It’s tiresome, isn’t it. Maybe that struggle is greater for someone in Dr. Bushnell’s position. It’s through compassion for oneself and for the pain we may have caused others that we arrive at authenticity and there’s no chronology for it. Thanks for sharing your story because even though the chronology of our experiences are different the path is quite similar.
Well written, sir! A favorite CZcams video of mine is of an Irish drag queen (an extremely intelligent one) by the name of Panti Bliss who gives a university lecture of what it has been like for him/her to be gay. Your post reminded me of her lecture because she used the term "exhausting" to describe the day-to-day toll it takes on one - emotionally, mentally. I highly recommend the video - she is an outstanding lecturer - well known in political circles in Ireland - and abroad.. All the best to you from Yakima, Washington
@@RT3319 Thanks you so much for your suggestion. I’ve watched 2 of their videos and they’re quite delightful. Very funny, articulate and personable. Panti relates many dangerous situations that queer people deal with on a daily basis since early childhood and it does take a toll always rising above just to live a normal semblance of life avoiding being bitter. My best regards to you from Paris.
Thank you for sharing your story. I am glad you were able to find happiness after such a long struggle. You did everything "right," given the tools you had at the time.
I grew up in a liberal and highly educated family. Even so, I could not feel anything sexual for women and was not successful the one time I tried. Finally out at 33, but it was three uears later that I told parents after a heartbreaking split with my first partner ( now my best friend, platonic). Over many years, i suffered from "moderate" (painful) depression, probably from fearing a lonely life. Then the 1970s and MCC happened, and I realized I could enjoy life as a gay man. I feel lucky never to have been married to a woman. PS My first cousin's son, a brilliant musician, is gay, and both of us are the second son. See Dr Ray Palmer's research on birth order.
Thanks Rick, I was born in 1952 and my journey was similar. You took many words right from my thoughts and feelings. I had it all, loving wife ,two great kids,beautiful home,rewarding career and told this should make you happy. My second birth as an out gay man came at age 43 and I had never experienced true happiness till then.
When I was 14 in the early 2000s I decided to come out to myself because of the idea that if I ended up in a relationship with a woman, I would never want someone to force themselves to be with me so I wouldn't want to do that to someone else. However, even though gay wasn't talked about in my circle of influence growing up my situation was a lot different from this gentlemens. For one, a different country, a farm and different decades, I think it is very easy to judge. I think more grace should be shown to gay people who get married to straight people, because the environment they grow up in make them feel they have to bury who they are away and I feel how he managed things with his wife was one the best ways given the situation. (Apart from the gay revelation on Valentines day in Paris, I would've chosen a different day!)
WOW...as you read the responses, you have hit a nerve in so many men. I think that today there is not the pressure to adhere to the societal expectation of marrying to establish a home and children like there once was. I salute the courage you had to make your changes. Courage is an inner gift. Blessed are those who possess that.
Thank you for sharing. My story is similar, but dissimilar. I first came out to my mom at 18, but then felt pressured to return to the closet and get married. The best outcome of that decision was two wonderful children. My wife was an epileptic, who allowed it to control her life. We were together for 34 years, and I became her caregiver for the last five years before her death. My life since then has been bumpy, but I have been much stronger and generally happier.
Thanks for the reminder... that s pretty much my life... im partially out, but still struggle meeting other man in my area. i meet extraordinary women but cannot engage fully since my pending homosexual life is blocking the way. then i rely on honesty and tell them my bi sexuality but still they are falling for me, and thats why im still single these days by choice. its hard for people to understand why im single for so long... Pushing my lie again will only get the mountain steeper indeed. this video was very important for me to hear. thanks again for the reminder... 💕☀
If I can't have has a husband - I must have children - said my wife. Then two years IVF - and the marriage finally collapsed. It destroyed us both. I got my life back after another five years. Going forwards. I gave my former wife everything I had. I found a room. She wasn't homeless. I had freedom. No regrets. I am me.
Many share this experience and yet to this day many people are opposed to same sex relationships. By doing so they actually promote the idea of gays getting into straight relationships. Everyone suffers!
I’m the daughter of a gay man. I’m in my seventies. My mother knew my father was gay and allowed, if not welcomed, my dad’s boyfriend into the house. My father was in WWII as was his boyfriend. Officially they were ‘war buddies,’ although it was more than a decade after the war and my father had been an Army private in the European theatre while his friend was an officer in the Navy who’d been in the pacific. I don’t know how they met or what happened to their relationship. My dad never came out. That just wasn’t done. He died from war related injuries when I was fifteen. I was such a daddy’s girl.
Dear Lili, thank you very much for sharing your dad's story. I would've loved to actually work on your story. If you ever visited Los Angeles, let me know. Much love ...
I can relate to this in some ways coming out at 37 years old. The weight it lifted off my shoulders was just incredible and by being totally honest with myself, friends and family was a blessing in disguise. Happiness is so important and Rick I’m glad to hear you’ve found it.
I was married for 25 years to a woman. I knew I was gay but more than anything I wanted a family. We had three children, but I couldn't be the man she needed so she cheated and I divorced her. I got custody of our kids. She died later without insurance so I paid for her funeral. It was in no way a good marriage.
@@Mario-xr3jo she had a idea I was gay but I never admitted it. Yes, I used her to get what I wanted, I don't deny it. I did love her, I never cheated and I gave her a good life. When I divorced her it was her choice to walk away from our children. I paid her a fair amount of money when she left. It takes two to make a marriage and two to break a marriage. I'm gay and she was no saint.
@@russellbogrett605 Well, if you can justify yourself by saying that others are not saints and you think you're OK, then... well... You never admitted it, but did she ever ask/was interested to know the truth? Or no honest conversation ever?
There was never a conversation. I never said It was ok to do what I did. She was no saint because she cheated from day one. She later admitted she did not want to be a wife or mother. I took my true self and locked it away forever. If she gave me what I wanted (kids) then I owed it to be faithful and take care of her for the rest of her life. In the end she wanted out not me s
Wow, I loved the honesty and the work of paying it forward in the sharing of your wisdom. Speaking for myself (as a child) I first thing that I saw in life as a lie and wasn't fair in the golden rule. I tried to apply it and found it hard for me to understand why it didn't work all of the time. Later I applied that critical thinking to myself and said why am I gay, which I also couldn't understand. Today I've learned many things and I can tell anyone that the best life that anyone will ever live is by first by being your true self. Trying to make everyone happy, will cost you yourself.
I know some one of my age who is 74 and is a really lovely man with a loving kind heart for nearly everybody.He has given years of his life helping others.He was always gay he told me even when a boy.But born in 1949 as was I he could never come out as gay always fearful of what his parents and family and others would think of him.He was never sexually attracted to women.And never felt he could have a one to one relationship with anyone.This had driven him one tme to take his life by an overdose of pain killers.He even put himself in two different pyschiatric hospitals with a hope they could cure him from being gay.He is left with only myself as a close discreet friend.
The level of insanity! Just unbelievable!!! Why is it many people oppose same-sex relationships to this day? Why is it they prefer for gay people to marry their straight family members and escalate the situation to something like this...and ultimately make life miserable for everyone including themselves? This is not a win win situation. Everyone suffers. I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. he deserved better.
It seems many of us gay older men have very similar stories. Its funny that you mentioned 1964. In 1964 I was 5yrs old and I remember watching Dr. Kildaire and I said to myself, I REALLY like this man, but wait I'm a boy liking the same, is this right? I'm scared!!! My thoughts at the age of 5 in the early to middle 1960s was, is this right to feel this way? I thought at that time I was the only male or boy that liked another male. I also, remember loving older men who wore black dress socks and still do to this day. I'm an open book now, LOL! My Mother, Thank God always supported me, but my Father and sister's did not. The saying goes, What I Know today how I wish I knew back then. Yes, we lied because it was the only way to be so we wouldn't be bullied or beaten especially, in the 1960s and 70s. I am married to a wonderful man today and everything I learned from my younger years has only built strength within me. I worked in the aviation industry for 29yrs. I witnessed so many, supposedly straight men kissing their wives good bye in New York and go sleep with their gay lover in Los Angeles, it happened many times. The men in our age group that are now comfortable being exactly who you are suppose to be, hats off to you! We lived it and conquered it and that should be our main focus today. We are exactly the people that God intended us to be!
My childhood on a beef farm starting 10 years later. So, someone got to know you when you had hair, and now someone is getting to know you as bald. Choices...
@@Leftatalbuquerque From a very special trip just last November. He passed away that weekend. That song was on his favorite playlist. It's not the song, but his memories. I knew him for 30 years.
Thank your for such a strong message on authenticity. I know it wasn't easy for you. It is so good to see you so happy and healthy now. You inspire me to be authentic!
My heart breaks for those who feel trapped and d*e every day in a half-fulfilled marriage. I have a colleague who is a chronic alcoholic and is married with 3 kids. He's from Pakistan and last Christmas, during our staff party, he came out to me. He also told me he also believes his son is also gay. Sad.
You absolutely did the right thing, thankfully before you were at deaths door, and regretting. You were born Gay, and yes society did a number on you, but you overcame that negative programming. Hooray! The road to wholeness is vastly different for us all. Now, you can be a beacon for other's. You are lucky your body did not turn on you with illnesses. That alone says you have a lot left to do in helping others find their truth. I hope that's OK for you.
At the age of 13, I was caught on the golf course at night , making out with a boy my age , and then two neighborhood women that caught us , confronted my mom about it ,and I was placed in a juvenile asylum and given EST daily . Dad was on a NASA business trip in Washington DC , and when he got home ,he knew homosexuality was not a learned behavior , due to my three brothers were all straight , so then my dad got the conversation started ,and at Xmas he got me a hermaphrodite beagle from ma lab and it got really interesting
I had to make this decision in 1982. Had just moved to Austin after graduating from Texas State University in San Marcos, and saw older married gay men living on the downlow. Being from a socially prominent family, there was a lot of pressure to marry and have kids. But... I had learned well the lesson: " to thine own self be true..."
I knew I was gay at a very young age and was determined to live my life as gay, in spite of family. That included not being in relationships with females as beards or even marriage. I was born in 1957 and coming out was an on-going process, which sometimes took a bad turn for me, but I persevered because I knew being known as gay in a world without visibility was the utmost importance.
Your story resonates with me. I’m also an anesthesiologist about 5 years younger than you. People don’t understand the shame and guilt that existed in the past unless you lived it. I came out at age 30. I don’t think I could even sexually function with a woman. It’s a long road to self acceptance.
On the flip side, those of us who had no "choice" to be straight or gay -- (and I find that a diachotomy in itself because we were told that the choice to foster your homosexual tendencies would bring a life of pain) --- embraced "to thine own self be true" from the start, and hence suffered the consequences of a non-accepting society. Since age 12, I faced this was my burden alone and the most selfish thing I could have done was to destroy others' lives with my own ego and fears. And, let's get down to the sexual component: being turned on by sex with a female. How did you do that? I knew I couldn't and wouldn't fake it. Of course, this basic factor isn't addressed here, and at the risk of sounding self-righteous, putting logic and rhetoric behind it to suppease and forgive the enduring emotional crime you committed over a lifetime of cowardly deceit just doesn't cut it in my opinion.
hi Dr Rick - no one else can answer what you could've done differently. We all have our own journey. I had my a-ha moments early on. I knew playing str8 was not an option and knew there was nothing I could do to change and took awhile to accept that and took just a while longer to finally meet other gay men and at least find comradery. Church was no solace - Catholic church preached celibacy for unmarried but they offered no comfort for the extreme loneliness. Anyhow - the closet door flung open at 24, met my future husband at 25; fast forward 33 yrs later we're still together.
I had no sexual interest with woman, I like them just don’t want to be naked with one. I had no choice, deciding to be straight, as the fellow in the video just said. Still hearing comments that people think its a choice. There’s never been a choice, it just is.
Not that you need anyone's validation, but why would anyone think continuing this relationship at that point would be a good idea? What would be the point of that? I could understand if you had young children but if not you actually did her a favor! She received the financial support she deserved as well as a second chance in life. Many don't have that option. Considering the fact that nowadays almost every other marriage ends in misery, your divorce case is one of the good ones! Happy for both of you.
I am gay I enjoy been with my nephews and nieces and I love been with staright people and enjoy being in staright world my biggest lie is trying to be fake gay and or trying to be someone I not just to fit in and I love talking to straight guys but I release I am straight gay person I came out late 80s and early 90s but late 90s I join LGBTQ community but I didn't enjoy I was in group when everyone was judging each other and and some wanted attention it wasn't me
Truly your situation is a difficult one. In my opinion, if you were questioning your sexuality when you reached college, it was wrong getting close to women particularly your girlfriend who later on becaomes your wife. If I was in your position and was questioning my own sexuality trying ro fugure out if I was gay ir straight, then I wouldnt have ventured into dating women at all. This showed you the slippery slope of now trying to do the honorable thing by marrying your gf when in fact you haven't even figured yourself out. This would have been the perfect opportunity to do it, even if it meant that you would be single in the coming years after that while still figuring yourself out. Its not fair for women to get married to men who tell themselves they're straight and then come out 30 years after married life later saying....honey, I have to leave you because I'm homo....
Who in their right mind would live there if you cant live in your house all year but what is the situation inland in real Turkey away from the brits and tourists. We do that in inland spain
He felt responsible as it wasn't her fault for the reason why things took such a wild turn. I'm sure it's no easy task to do that, but it is what it is.
God bless you for being your true self as He would want you to be. I am sure your story will help so many people and I wish you and yours all the very best as you go forward.
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𝐀 𝐂𝐨𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐤𝐞𝐫 𝐎𝐮𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐦𝐞: czcams.com/video/vlejKXL2q10/video.html
I feel your story with every fiber of my soul. I was born in 1960, married my wife when we were 18 yrs old. Had 3 children and stayed closeted and married for 40 yrs. After much therapy I found the strength to come out at age 58. My now ex wife and adult children were very supportive. I surround myself with supportive and caring family and friends. I refuse to acknowledge those who attempt to judge or condemn me. My journey continues!❤
Good luck ............may you find peace, love, joy, authenticity, and tons of happiness!
Nothing is ever better than the truth. I'm proud of you.
I was married to my accepting wife for 51 years. I cared for her with MS for 26 years. She wasn't able to ambulate for the last 15 years. I am gay and was a Baptist minister. I went through 13 years of reparative therapy including electronic shock therapy. As she approached the end of her life I thanked her for accepting me as her gay husband and she said "Of course. That was easy. Why wouldn't I?" After caring for my wife for so long, I had a heart attack (90% blocked) and a heart attack. But I am now free to be the gay man I always was. I'm not looking for a husband. Too old now. The Baptist Church told me I am not welcome to even attend church. I never was. Bye church.
When a church tells you your aren't welcome, that's not a group to be associated with. Better off without it. I hope you are happy and healthy. Sunday brunch is a gay sacrament😇
I was fortunate enough to avoid the family pressures to 'find a Christian girl, get married, and have our grandchildren'. A late bloomer, or, 'come-outer', I knew that just. wasn't. going to happen. The closest I came to coming out to my parents was when I told them that they needed to let go of all that hetero dream of theirs. They would never have grandchildren. "You don't know that!" ... "Yes. I do."
Your story is a beautiful one. I'm sorry to hear about your beloved wife, what a beautiful lady. I must say that you are one neck of a beautiful man to be able to go to your wife and tell her who you are, you are truly inspiring. Many years ago I was married to a woman that knew about me before we got married, but pur marriage did not last. Today, I am happily married to a wonderful man, we are together for 25yrs. Unfortunately, I'm sending you this message from his hospital room. In June of 2022 Paul was diagnosed with stage 4 prostrate cancer that spread to his spine, he had 23 rounds of radiation. This past December 17th he was having abdominal pain it turned out to be a carcinoid tumor in his abdomen, stage 3 went to his lymph nodes. I don't really know the outcome, but it would be nice to talk with you for I believe we could relate to one another. Take Care, Tom
Check out the Episcopal Church where everyone is accepted, just like Jesus Christ did, and does.
Dear Ron....thank you for sharing your life joureny with others. I too was a Southern Baptist student in 1971 and I was sexually abused by the President of the college. Back then no one would believe me....I was engaged and I broke it off becasue of the trauma I experienced. I could not understand how God would let me...a servant of His ministry allow this to happen!! I had several bad years of self loathing and drinking to bury the hurt and pain and shame. Then I came to realize that God could use me in another ministry to show LGBTQ people who HE really was and how much He loved THEM!!! Welcome home Ron and thank you for claiming your authenticity and you are still a CHild of God no matter what any church tells you.
As a gay man myself ....you were just lucky you had the ability to get married to a woman and have sexual intimacy with her most of your life. My best friends are women but I was never sexually attracted nor did I have the desire to be sexual with a woman. I came out in 1978 right after high school. I was determined to be who I was and realized I was responsible for my own happiness. So I managed to find a gay bar in my city and found the courage to go inside. That night changed my life forever . I discovered there were so many other men & women just like me ! I met my partner at the age of 22 and we are still together 40 years later. Thank you for sharing your story. Im glad you found the courage to come out and finally be a happy man !
What a happy couple. At last......... Especially for us seniors that grew up in a different era: no one... and I mean NO ONE can possibly understand what it was like to be gay at that time unless you went through it.
And that's the issue with some of the comments from self-righteous people who miss that context entirely. This still goes on in many parts of the world. This is a major issue in Asia and Africa in particular. People do not have choices.
I went through it. There was almost NO SUPPORT in the early '70s when I was dealing with my sexuality in college. Luckily I went to see a mental health therapist and he was the first adult in my life to say "You're gay. So what? Accept yourself!" and I did...
The 'selfish' argument vs. quality of life and actualization has always mystified me. This gentleman made the right decision. The time you took had its pains, but now you can breathe. I get it.
Thank you for telling us your story. I accepted I’m gay at the age of 53. This happened after my divorce from my wife of 28 years. I grew up in a household where my parents had at least one shouting argument a week. My Dad was very homophobic as he proved to me as I grew up. And I knew I was different from other boys at the age of 6. I got a teaching degree (taught 36 years), got married to a girl three houses down from mine, and raised three kids. I made the best of my life. However, as we became empty nesters, my wife showed signs of being unhappy, as did I. She eventually cheated on me and everything went downhill after that. Six years after my divorce I came out to my adult children. All three are accepting of who I am, as well as, my partner of 8 years. I slowly came out to family and friends. I lost some, but I kept most of them. The bottom line is, I too, was living a lie. I lived my life according to what my Hispanic culture and my father expected of me as a man. I’m living my life authentically now and that is a blessing for me.
So you accepted your orientation at 53.
What about before that. Did you know you were gay without self-acceptance?
Beautiful.
I'm of the same generation as this man. Grew up moderately religious, then turned spectacularly religious, mostly to deny what was inside me. There were no choices back then...every image of life, every social or legal construct, was of a heterosexual marriage...you knew no other way to live, as the only images of homosexuals were of deranged predatory criminals...and if you weren't a deranged predatory criminal, then you must be straight. God, the suppression and desperation...i couldn't fake it though...it was too obvious what i was, so I basically withdrew from life...still struggle to this day over being able to relate to people, despite finally coming out nearly 30 years ago. Hopefully my generation is the last to go through this...i know many people still struggle, but at least there are choices now that were simply not available back then.
A loving family is the key. At any age. I was blessed to have a family that offered unconditional love and understanding.
Were/are you in a straight or gay family?
Good for you, but that was very rare when I was a youth in the early '70s. I had to deal with a non-present dad and an abusive mom on top of being gay but I made it through the wilderness. Not all of us got a "loving family" but I'm sure you know that.
I’m so happy he is happy now. ❤ And his man.
Brilliant talk Rick. Thank you. I came out at 55 seven years ago. And have more energy than ever :)
Without a doubt, one of the best videos yet of this series. From millions of us out there who are in or who have in the past been in this situation, a big thank you!!!!
Whether one identifies as gay or bi, and whether one is currently in or has been a heterosexual marriage, I suspect our numbers are legion..
And the outcomes of such situations are just as varied as the number of individuals involved in them. Interestingly enough, I just finished reading “Bisexual Married Men: Stories of Relationships, Acceptance, and Authenticity” by Robert Brooks Cohen. Just an FYI; this is more of a academic tome - not completely boring, but he does approach it from an academic perspective. The interviews, however, are fascinating - the stories are just a varied as the individuals themselves.
Sending good thoughts and best wishes to all who are on their outward journey to self-discovery - no matter their age..
Good for you Rick. Some people leave this planet without living in their true authenticity. And that is extremely sad. Congratulations to you and I wish you and your family the best.💜
I can't tell you how much Rick's story resonates with me. I was born 2 years after the issuance of Executive Order 10450 on April 27, 1953, by President Dwight D. Eisenhower. Even people my age forget the horrific "Error Of That Era". One would think that growing up just across the border out of the city of New York, that it would have been different than a small poor farm in northern Illinois. It was not. I too was in a War Zone at home. I was sent to Lutheran Missouri Synod school for 8 years from 1960-1968. Many of my teachers were imported from the Midwest. Then came the hardest years of Lutheran High School for 4 more years. It was not until around age 21 (1976) was I yanked out of the closet by a psychotherapist. I became an atheist 100% after all of the religious ''brainwashing". Rick's story and the comments below gave me a rush. Each story is unique and similar. I did not marry, some people did. I went through hell but was liberated early enough emotionally to not go through that. It was not easy and still is not easy. Federal laws prohibit discrimination based on a person's national origin, race, color, religion, disability, sex, and familial status but not the at least 11 types of human sexual categories.
I had a similar experience and came out at 38. I lost everything and everyone. I know have a new life in Thailand but have no relationship with my children or my grandchildren and certainly not with my x wife! Certainly is genetic runs in families...I have a gay first cousin, my partner has several gay relatives.
It is genetic. No doubt..
God bless you for finding the courage to come out, our society has a fake notion of what we should follow, stereotype, we need to be real to ourselves and not try to follow what others want us to be, I came out at 21, I'm now 66 and have had a wonderful life
I'm so sorry that you didn't have any supportive friends when you made that huge decision. When I told one of my friends why I was in a mental health institute for my suicidal thoughts, "I'm sexually attracted to the same sex", she replied with an emphatic "Who ISN'T!?" Another friend said, "Did you think that would matter to me? If I was a man, I'd be gay, too."
I've been SO lucky. I knew early on that I just. couldn't. involve a woman in the scenario you present here. But I never even came close. I had NO attraction to the girls/women I hung around with, and I'm sure they felt that.
I enjoyed hearing your story. I'm glad you're living as your authentic self now. You deserve to be happy.
Thank you for putting this video together. I relate so much to a lot of what you said. But it always helps to know we we/are not alone along this journey! Thank you!
What a beautiful man.
I never lied about my sexuality to anyone.... When I was younger, I just didn't say anything about it except to my close friends. I thought, even back then, that I never wanted to marry a woman just to hide who I was. That was, to me, a hurtful thing to do to someone just because of my need to be socially acceptable. Now, believe me when I say that being out to myself or even to close friends in the 1970s in North Dakota caused a lot of pain. Mostly, it was isolation, and those painful moments are still with me today. The balancing act of who could know and who couldn't know was not an easy task. In fact, it kept me from having any kind of love life at all but, I was at least true to myself. I wish I could say that I had a happy ending like yours, but I am now 67 and I have yet to experience the love life you now enjoy. I am, at this point, coming to terms with the fact that I will more than likely live my life alone. In fact, thinking back on my life, I doubt I've actually been on a date with a man. Gay or straight, I think you have to, at least at first, be attractive in some way (financially or physically) to even be in the running for a successful love life. So, in that way, I have to say that my being true to myself was not the sure-fire way I thought it would be to finding someone to share my life with. In the end, I guess it meant that at the very least I accepted who I am, and I didn't hurt anyone except maybe myself in the process.
"Gay or straight, I think you have to, at least at first, be attractive in some way (financially or physically)".
So do you think you are attractive in one way or another, if you hope for some love in your life?
Thank you. You are an inspiration. I knew I was gay when I was 11 years old and with some struggle I realized that for my own sanity I had to be true to myself. I’ve been with my love for 41 years. ❤❤
You are Brave beyond words. To grow up in a War Zone must be a ghastly way to begin Life.
My Heartfelt gratitude for your open honesty.
It is never too late to be who you wished to be. Bravery is a badge of Honour.
Australia
Male or female is determined by gender located in the soul not sex characteristics.
Transgender people are born that way.
The soul enters the body at birth when a baby takes its first breath. That is how a set of identical twins can have the same DNA, the same sex, but be opposite in gender.
JESUS was TRANSGENDER, a female man returning as a female woman in a lesbian relationship with a male woman.
Your story is so familiar! It was my life as well! Married to a woman MUCH OLDER THAN ME was the route of life I fell into, now divorced after 25 years of marriage, now have lived with my wonderful male partner am getting ready to go back to mediation next year to finalize no more spousal support! Slavery is not what we need in our life because we did what we were taught to live by! I’m so happy for you & I know the feeling of freedom you now live! I live near Monterey California & would love to meet you one day!
Thanks for checking out Rick’s story and sharing your experience. If you ever visited LA, and wanted to do a video archive, I’d be more than happy to work on your story. ❤️
Thank you for sharing your story. It has hit home for me. It is selfish to lie and live a lie. When you’re lying to yourself and the people you love and you choose to live that lie to fulfill some societal norms that is eating away at you when you yearn to live authentically. This was so liberating to hear. Thank you again for sharing this.
Respect❤
What a beautiful story with a very happy ending! Thank you so much for sharing this very sensitive and personal story, Dr Bushnell..
@elijahmarie77444 Why are you quoting Bible verses? Billions of people practice all kinds of religions and/or no religion at all! Even within every religion there are hundreds of not thousands of subdivisions that don't agree on key points. I mean if you're superstitious and have to repent to your favorite higher power, go for it...but don't come out here and spam the comment section with religious comments as if that's a fact, because it isn't! This is not a Bible study class.
@@lgbtqarchives
Telling the truth has nothing to do with religion. You just don't like the truth.
Acts 3:22 says it will come to pass that anyone that fails to listen to me will utterly destroyed from among the people.
It's your choice.
@abjo Having a discussion about Sex and Gender is one thing, but this @elijahmarie77444 account is quoting bible verses for his/her argument!!!
@abjo Not all all. I was talking to you about this other account. He/she is sourcing Bible verses as if that's a scientific resource for Science and Biology. You can never have a fair discussion with that type of mindset. You'll always lose, because Acts 3:22 said so.
@@elijahmarie77444 You copy/paste Bible verses and then say the truth has nothing to do with religion! lol ... You're about to get kicked out. This is not a Bible study class.
My heart out to you. I hope the rest of your life is much healthier.
How curious that I stumbled across this video. I am currently a FWB with a man I met on a dating/hook-up site for older gay men. I soon learned he has been in the closet his whole life .Two wives and 16 years with both, 2 kids, grand-children, and he's pretty much an alpha type male.. Second wife died a few years back.. First time I went to his home I felt a strong sense of grief. Apparently she died in their home, which he is living in alone now. Then noticed the alcohol.... LOTS of alcohol.. I also noticed he said "I don't eat much" so I assumed he is drinking calories instead of eating and might even be malnourished, so I started bringing food over every time I saw him, vitamins, and also got him back on his drums (which he said he had not been playing much anymore). Was a drummer in a rock band in his youth. I play keyboards so he bought an inexpensive electric keyboard and we started jamming.. I notice you said in this video you were alcoholic as well. This man was borderline dissolute when we met, like a male rag-doll. He is now doing better; the music therapy has helped I guess. I also warned him about driving under the influence, picking up strangers when intoxicated, and the danger of drinking straight from the bottle. He has not been doing that for some time, at least in my presence. I have tried to be a reliable and rock solid friend, a fun and passionate sex buddy, and have witnessed a gradual transformation. I tell myself "It is not your responsibility to fix this man" but I'm one of life's Florence Nightingales, lol. I just try to gently steer him to a healthier life the best I can. He's a fellow musician and i have seen how much joy it brings him to drum along with my versions of Motown, Aretha, The Doors, etc. And I wait... with an open heart for a healthy gay man that I won't feel compelled to "fix". I have encouraged him to come out but I doubt he ever will so "it is what it is". I've seen the end of the road for a man who's lived his whole life in the closet and it is paved with sadness, alcohol, and perhaps hidden regret. I am proud of myself for accepting my sexual identity at 19 when there was ZERO support for gay boys. Thank you for sharing your story, sir.
Thank you very much for sharing your story, and extra thanks for helping this man. Life didn't have to be this complicated for you guys then, but you're here. Would've been great to be able to do an interview with you. Artists and musicians are extra special. Thanks again!
I grew up in a war zone, too. Not so much between my parents, but between my parents and my brothers and me and also between us brothers. The dysfunction reached far so I understand how fear grips one’s path in life and decision making. I grew up in NYC, though, and coming out didn’t seem to be the easiest path, but I saw that it was viable for me. Of course, I mistaked my attraction towards women as sexual because I wasn’t sure how gay I was until I was intimate with women. I lived with a girl that I was in love with for about 2 years and I held myself to her because of the attraction but I realized at some point that I had confused attraction with distraction. So I gave it all up because I started realizing who I was. Coming out completely is a great step to make, but it’s only the beginning because it took a while afterwards to rid myself of my internalized homophobia. Huge step in becoming a mature gay man. Along the way, I realized that not all gay men are successful in this step and it’s because our environment always reminds us that no matter the progress we’re always outsiders and what is taken for granted inside of the margins is a reaction outside of them. It’s tiresome, isn’t it. Maybe that struggle is greater for someone in Dr. Bushnell’s position. It’s through compassion for oneself and for the pain we may have caused others that we arrive at authenticity and there’s no chronology for it. Thanks for sharing your story because even though the chronology of our experiences are different the path is quite similar.
Your words and journey touched my Heart.
You are Brave beyond Words. ♡
Australia
Well written, sir! A favorite CZcams video of mine is of an Irish drag queen (an extremely intelligent one) by the name of Panti Bliss who gives a university lecture of what it has been like for him/her to be gay. Your post reminded me of her lecture because she used the term "exhausting" to describe the day-to-day toll it takes on one - emotionally, mentally. I highly recommend the video - she is an outstanding lecturer - well known in political circles in Ireland - and abroad.. All the best to you from Yakima, Washington
@@RT3319 Thanks you so much for your suggestion. I’ve watched 2 of their videos and they’re quite delightful. Very funny, articulate and personable. Panti relates many dangerous situations that queer people deal with on a daily basis since early childhood and it does take a toll always rising above just to live a normal semblance of life avoiding being bitter. My best regards to you from Paris.
Thank you for sharing your story. I am glad you were able to find happiness after such a long struggle. You did everything "right," given the tools you had at the time.
Great message to love yourself first....and nicely told. Just lost my Rick after 54 years of truth, acceptance and happiness.
Rick was loved and I’m glad that you’re here to honor his name. May he rest in peace ❤️
I grew up in a liberal and highly educated family. Even so, I could not feel anything sexual for women and was not successful the one time I tried.
Finally out at 33, but it was three uears later that I told parents after a heartbreaking split with my first partner ( now my best friend, platonic).
Over many years, i suffered from "moderate" (painful) depression, probably from fearing a lonely life. Then the 1970s and MCC happened, and I realized I could enjoy life as a gay man. I feel lucky never to have been married to a woman.
PS My first cousin's son, a brilliant musician, is gay, and both of us are the second son. See Dr Ray Palmer's research on birth order.
Thanks Rick, I was born in 1952 and my journey was similar. You took many words right from my thoughts and feelings. I had it all, loving wife ,two great kids,beautiful home,rewarding career and told this should make you happy. My second birth as an out gay man came at age 43 and I had never experienced true happiness till then.
When I was 14 in the early 2000s I decided to come out to myself because of the idea that if I ended up in a relationship with a woman, I would never want someone to force themselves to be with me so I wouldn't want to do that to someone else. However, even though gay wasn't talked about in my circle of influence growing up my situation was a lot different from this gentlemens. For one, a different country, a farm and different decades, I think it is very easy to judge. I think more grace should be shown to gay people who get married to straight people, because the environment they grow up in make them feel they have to bury who they are away and I feel how he managed things with his wife was one the best ways given the situation. (Apart from the gay revelation on Valentines day in Paris, I would've chosen a different day!)
WOW...as you read the responses, you have hit a nerve in so many men. I think that today there is not the pressure to adhere to the societal expectation of marrying to establish a home and children like there once was. I salute the courage you had to make your changes. Courage is an inner gift. Blessed are those who possess that.
Thank you for sharing. My story is similar, but dissimilar. I first came out to my mom at 18, but then felt pressured to return to the closet and get married. The best outcome of that decision was two wonderful children. My wife was an epileptic, who allowed it to control her life. We were together for 34 years, and I became her caregiver for the last five years before her death. My life since then has been bumpy, but I have been much stronger and generally happier.
I understand you completely and feel for you. Others should have been more resilient and understanding
Thank you for this. I felt like you were telling my story with every detail including our year of birth.
Happy for you☺️
This is unfortunately a too old, too frequent story. Mine shares many similarities. I hear you, I feel you , I applaud you, I thank you!
Thanks for the reminder... that s pretty much my life... im partially out, but still struggle meeting other man in my area. i meet extraordinary women but cannot engage fully since my pending homosexual life is blocking the way. then i rely on honesty and tell them my bi sexuality but still they are falling for me, and thats why im still single these days by choice. its hard for people to understand why im single for so long...
Pushing my lie again will only get the mountain steeper indeed. this video was very important for me to hear. thanks again for the reminder... 💕☀
Thank you for sharing your beautiful story. So My of us went through similars. We had to isolate and now living happily in Cape Town SA…
If I can't have has a husband - I must have children - said my wife. Then two years IVF - and the marriage finally collapsed. It destroyed us both. I got my life back after another five years. Going forwards. I gave my former wife everything I had. I found a room. She wasn't homeless. I had freedom. No regrets. I am me.
Many share this experience and yet to this day many people are opposed to same sex relationships. By doing so they actually promote the idea of gays getting into straight relationships. Everyone suffers!
He was totally accurate about how it was it the 60’s and 70’s. Back then you were a pervert and you didn’t talk about it. I lived through that era
I’m the daughter of a gay man. I’m in my seventies. My mother knew my father was gay and allowed, if not welcomed, my dad’s boyfriend into the house. My father was in WWII as was his boyfriend. Officially they were ‘war buddies,’ although it was more than a decade after the war and my father had been an Army private in the European theatre while his friend was an officer in the Navy who’d been in the pacific. I don’t know how they met or what happened to their relationship. My dad never came out. That just wasn’t done. He died from war related injuries when I was fifteen. I was such a daddy’s girl.
Dear Lili, thank you very much for sharing your dad's story. I would've loved to actually work on your story. If you ever visited Los Angeles, let me know. Much love ...
I can relate to this in some ways coming out at 37 years old. The weight it lifted off my shoulders was just incredible and by being totally honest with myself, friends and family was a blessing in disguise.
Happiness is so important and Rick I’m glad to hear you’ve found it.
I was married for 25 years to a woman. I knew I was gay but more than anything I wanted a family. We had three children, but I couldn't be the man she needed so she cheated and I divorced her. I got custody of our kids. She died later without insurance so I paid for her funeral. It was in no way a good marriage.
I feel your pain
You knew you were gay... But were you honest to your wife about that? Did she know?
@@Mario-xr3jo she had a idea I was gay but I never admitted it. Yes, I used her to get what I wanted, I don't deny it. I did love her, I never cheated and I gave her a good life. When I divorced her it was her choice to walk away from our children. I paid her a fair amount of money when she left. It takes two to make a marriage and two to break a marriage. I'm gay and she was no saint.
@@russellbogrett605
Well, if you can justify yourself by saying that others are not saints and you think you're OK, then... well...
You never admitted it, but did she ever ask/was interested to know the truth?
Or no honest conversation ever?
There was never a conversation. I never said It was ok to do what I did. She was no saint because she cheated from day one. She later admitted she did not want to be a wife or mother. I took my true self and locked it away forever. If she gave me what I wanted (kids) then I owed it to be faithful and take care of her for the rest of her life. In the end she wanted out not me s
Wow, I loved the honesty and the work of paying it forward in the sharing of your wisdom. Speaking for myself (as a child) I first thing that I saw in life as a lie and wasn't fair in the golden rule. I tried to apply it and found it hard for me to understand why it didn't work all of the time. Later I applied that critical thinking to myself and said why am I gay, which I also couldn't understand. Today I've learned many things and I can tell anyone that the best life that anyone will ever live is by first by being your true self. Trying to make everyone happy, will cost you yourself.
Good for you! Every human being deserves to live their life however they choose to do so.
I know some one of my age who is 74 and is a really lovely man with a loving kind heart for nearly everybody.He has given years of his life helping others.He was always gay he told me even when a boy.But born in 1949 as was I he could never come out as gay always fearful of what his parents and family and others would think of him.He was never sexually attracted to women.And never felt he could have a one to one relationship with anyone.This had driven him one tme to take his life by an overdose of pain killers.He even put himself in two different pyschiatric hospitals with a hope they could cure him from being gay.He is left with only myself as a close discreet friend.
The level of insanity! Just unbelievable!!! Why is it many people oppose same-sex relationships to this day? Why is it they prefer for gay people to marry their straight family members and escalate the situation to something like this...and ultimately make life miserable for everyone including themselves? This is not a win win situation. Everyone suffers. I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. he deserved better.
What a lovely man and so handsome i wish you all the very best🙏❤️🇦🇺
It seems many of us gay older men have very similar stories. Its funny that you mentioned 1964. In 1964 I was 5yrs old and I remember watching Dr. Kildaire and I said to myself, I REALLY like this man, but wait I'm a boy liking the same, is this right? I'm scared!!! My thoughts at the age of 5 in the early to middle 1960s was, is this right to feel this way? I thought at that time I was the only male or boy that liked another male. I also, remember loving older men who wore black dress socks and still do to this day. I'm an open book now, LOL! My Mother, Thank God always supported me, but my Father and sister's did not. The saying goes, What I Know today how I wish I knew back then. Yes, we lied because it was the only way to be so we wouldn't be bullied or beaten especially, in the 1960s and 70s. I am married to a wonderful man today and everything I learned from my younger years has only built strength within me. I worked in the aviation industry for 29yrs. I witnessed so many, supposedly straight men kissing their wives good bye in New York and go sleep with their gay lover in Los Angeles, it happened many times. The men in our age group that are now comfortable being exactly who you are suppose to be, hats off to you! We lived it and conquered it and that should be our main focus today. We are exactly the people that God intended us to be!
Very authentic story
My childhood on a beef farm starting 10 years later. So, someone got to know you when you had hair, and now someone is getting to know you as bald. Choices...
Listening to your Pink remix. Brought back memories.
Memories from how long ago? The song is not that old...!@@lgbtqarchives
@@Leftatalbuquerque From a very special trip just last November. He passed away that weekend. That song was on his favorite playlist. It's not the song, but his memories. I knew him for 30 years.
Love hearing these journeys. ❤
Thank your for such a strong message on authenticity. I know it wasn't easy for you. It is so good to see you so happy and healthy now. You inspire me to be authentic!
Good story.
My heart breaks for those who feel trapped and d*e every day in a half-fulfilled marriage.
I have a colleague who is a chronic alcoholic and is married with 3 kids.
He's from Pakistan and last Christmas, during our staff party, he came out to me. He also told me he also believes his son is also gay. Sad.
Very sad indeed. People don’t realize things are 100 times worse in other countries.
You absolutely did the right thing, thankfully before you were at deaths door, and regretting. You were born Gay, and yes society did a number on you, but you overcame that negative programming. Hooray! The road to wholeness is vastly different for us all. Now, you can be a beacon for other's. You are lucky your body did not turn on you with illnesses. That alone says you have a lot left to do in helping others find their truth. I hope that's OK for you.
Amen brother
At the age of 13, I was caught on the golf course at night , making out with a boy my age , and then two neighborhood women that caught us , confronted my mom about it ,and I was placed in a juvenile asylum and given EST daily . Dad was on a NASA business trip in Washington DC , and when he got home ,he knew homosexuality was not a learned behavior , due to my three brothers were all straight , so then my dad got the conversation started ,and at Xmas he got me a hermaphrodite beagle from ma lab and it got really interesting
Would’ve loved to capture your story.
Wonderful life story 😊
THIS! ❤
I had to make this decision in 1982. Had just moved to Austin after graduating from Texas State University in San Marcos, and saw older married gay men living on the downlow. Being from a socially prominent family, there was a lot of pressure to marry and have kids. But... I had learned well the lesson: " to thine own self be true..."
Had you not had that experience, you might have made a different decision. I'm glad things worked out the way they did.
@@lgbtqarchives I lived/loved a much happier life being openly queer.
It would not have been fair to my potential wife had I married. No regrets! 🤠
I knew I was gay at a very young age and was determined to live my life as gay, in spite of family. That included not being in relationships with females as beards or even marriage. I was born in 1957 and coming out was an on-going process, which sometimes took a bad turn for me, but I persevered because I knew being known as gay in a world without visibility was the utmost importance.
I would think that once you start cheating on a partner, you owe it to yourself and your partner to get out - unless they are okay with it.
Your story resonates with me. I’m also an anesthesiologist about 5 years younger than you. People don’t understand the shame and guilt that existed in the past unless you lived it. I came out at age 30. I don’t think I could even sexually function with a woman. It’s a long road to self acceptance.
It's a hard life being gay and hiding it... Makes you feel alone and depressed
@@toddperilloux6143 I didn’t have the advantage of social media to connect with other gay people.
On the flip side, those of us who had no "choice" to be straight or gay -- (and I find that a diachotomy in itself because we were told that the choice to foster your homosexual tendencies would bring a life of pain) --- embraced "to thine own self be true" from the start, and hence suffered the consequences of a non-accepting society. Since age 12, I faced this was my burden alone and the most selfish thing I could have done was to destroy others' lives with my own ego and fears. And, let's get down to the sexual component: being turned on by sex with a female. How did you do that? I knew I couldn't and wouldn't fake it. Of course, this basic factor isn't addressed here, and at the risk of sounding self-righteous, putting logic and rhetoric behind it to suppease and forgive the enduring emotional crime you committed over a lifetime of cowardly deceit just doesn't cut it in my opinion.
hi Dr Rick - no one else can answer what you could've done differently. We all have our own journey. I had my a-ha moments early on. I knew playing str8 was not an option and knew there was nothing I could do to change and took awhile to accept that and took just a while longer to finally meet other gay men and at least find comradery. Church was no solace - Catholic church preached celibacy for unmarried but they offered no comfort for the extreme loneliness. Anyhow - the closet door flung open at 24, met my future husband at 25; fast forward 33 yrs later we're still together.
Thank you for sharing your story. It's very helpful.
I was married 2 times and came out in 2000 after alot of unhappy ness thinking I just wanted to die at some points.
I understand. Glad you’re here my friend. ❤️
I had no sexual interest with woman, I like them just don’t want to be naked with one. I had no choice, deciding to be straight, as the fellow in the video just said. Still hearing comments that people think its a choice. There’s never been a choice, it just is.
Not that you need anyone's validation, but why would anyone think continuing this relationship at that point would be a good idea? What would be the point of that? I could understand if you had young children but if not you actually did her a favor! She received the financial support she deserved as well as a second chance in life. Many don't have that option. Considering the fact that nowadays almost every other marriage ends in misery, your divorce case is one of the good ones! Happy for both of you.
True! That would be the worst idea ever. He would’ve done her no favors at all. No they didn’t have kids.
You are a lovely couple. Although you don't need my approval, you did the right thing.
True. It would have been another 30 years of nothingness for both parties.
He as those like him of his age group even older suffered outrageously because of bigots due to ignorance.
#lgbtq❤️🏳️🌈🏳️🌈
♥
I am gay I enjoy been with my nephews and nieces and I love been with staright people and enjoy being in staright world my biggest lie is trying to be fake gay and or trying to be someone I not just to fit in and I love talking to straight guys but I release I am straight gay person I came out late 80s and early 90s but late 90s I join LGBTQ community but I didn't enjoy I was in group when everyone was judging each other and and some wanted attention it wasn't me
👍👍👍
The title should be "My struggle as a liar in a straight relationship"...
Your username should be “my struggle as a self righteous Karen!”
You're not wrong.
Truly your situation is a difficult one. In my opinion, if you were questioning your sexuality when you reached college, it was wrong getting close to women particularly your girlfriend who later on becaomes your wife. If I was in your position and was questioning my own sexuality trying ro fugure out if I was gay ir straight, then I wouldnt have ventured into dating women at all. This showed you the slippery slope of now trying to do the honorable thing by marrying your gf when in fact you haven't even figured yourself out. This would have been the perfect opportunity to do it, even if it meant that you would be single in the coming years after that while still figuring yourself out. Its not fair for women to get married to men who tell themselves they're straight and then come out 30 years after married life later saying....honey, I have to leave you because I'm homo....
Unfortunately life is not a controlled laboratory and people live in their own tight bubbles. You’re missing the context here. You missed the point.
What is the importance of labeling yourself?
What do you mean?
Why can't you just be a human being with sometimes a female contact and/or sometimes a male contact? Why do you label yourself as gay?
Who in their right mind would live there if you cant live in your house all year but what is the situation inland in real Turkey away from the brits and tourists. We do that in inland spain
Are you using some type of translator? Not sure what you were trying to say.
@@lgbtqarchives sorry my vidio feed jumped and went to the next vidio befor I pressed the send to a vidio I watched previously
@@stephenhayden2586 🤣🤣🤣
Whats wrong with the ex, she cant yake care of herself?
He felt responsible as it wasn't her fault for the reason why things took such a wild turn. I'm sure it's no easy task to do that, but it is what it is.
You had little or no alternative during those times
Especially true for a very small religious farm town
God bless you for being your true self as He would want you to be. I am sure your story will help so many people and I wish you and yours all the very best as you go forward.