What Does Depression Feel Like?// Mental Health Vlog ♡♡♡
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- čas přidán 18. 08. 2015
- I talk a little about my own experience with depression. Your experience might be totally different and that is okay. If you want to talk a little about your own experience in the comments then please do.
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xxx - Krátké a kreslené filmy
I think the hardest thing about depression for me is losing friends, I'm always cancelling plans, not replying to them or returning their calls and when I do hang out with them if I'm not in the right mind frame I can see how much of bad impression I'm making 😔
my friends are always mad at me for that reason :( i feel bad for that but i can´t stop cancelling plans i try to explain it to them but they just don´t understand it and i just soo alone now and i feel horrible
Same here. I have some friends that stick around but most people leave after a while
Not only do your videos about depression reassure me, a much older man, that I'm not the only one, you have inspired me to find the strength to start seeking help again. Hoping to get a therapist appointment soon! Thank you so much for these videos.
With me, I feel nothing. It's like the door to my emotions closes and locks itself. The only things I feel are overwhelming neutrals, sadness, and anger. I began to avoid my family because I didn't have any energy to put on a faux happy face. When I have good days I feel guilty. On bad days I feel like I was just being lazy or weak when in reality I felt like garbage and had no motivation. In the summer, my depression isn't as severe, since school for me isn't in session. I'm able to stay in bed when I feel down over summer break. When I go back to school, however, it's a whole other story. I rarely am able to keep my happy face on for an entire day at school. My classes for next year are very vigorous and I honestly have no idea how I'm going to do the work when my fingers and arms feel like they are full of lead. I'm at a constant battle with myself if I really am depressed or not. That's where my self loathing stems from. When my episode is nearing an end, I feel most guilty, as if I'm a fraud for feeling better.
+Jordyn Bassford It's exactly the same with me.
I felt the same for three years but now i have recovered and at that time i didn't thought there is any chance of recovery if i can recover so can you. please don't give up please keep trying.
please you can do this
I'm here if you need any help
You have to express yourself you get rid of that anger.
I'm struggling with something similar it seems. I definitely have health issues (such as chronic fatigue and a vitamin D dificency) but I also can feel so depressed, anxious, and detached. School makes it 100% worse. I tend to miss a lot of school because I'm either too anxious, depressed, panic attacks, or I feel terrible physically. I honestly hate school because of how much energy it takes and anxiety it gives me. Summer makes things a lot better but I'm still struggling. My therapist and I are trying to figure things out but it's all very complicated!
Jordyn Bassford I have been feeling completely numb lately ive been in situations were I would normally be happy or stressed or full of adrenaline or scared but everything in my life is good I've had a bad past but every thing is going well now but I feel so empty
For me depression is being extremely tired all the time, not knowing why the hell i'm crying again or why can't i cry when i feel like it. For me it's feeling absolutely nothing and absolutely everything at the same time.
I often feel like i'm insade this box where everything is so white and bright you can't even recognise when somehting (like a chair or a table) is infrot of you, so you trip there often, like you are in the dark, except everything is white. Outside the box everything is black. And i'm just there, in the box. Lying on the ground or curled up in one of the corners.
On better days someone or something is able to somehow get in and give everything a bit of a colour. That's on the good days. On the bad days, the bright white light is blinding and it feels like it's swollowing me.
I can find myself in so many points you made about what it's like to be depressed. I remember my dad telling me once it's so great I got so much better and that i'm practically fine now, when, in fact, I got worse in different ways and I had to admit it. It was horrible.
I'm sorry you have to go through this as well, i stand with you. I love you Claudia, and do try to be safe, I care about you a lot!
xxx Rosie
I think that sensitive people are more prone to depression. There is a saying: 'If you care - life is tough. If you don't care - life is easy'.
I can't think why anyone would give this video a thumbs down. There are some mean people out there.
My depression doesn't feel like sadness. I can barely cry or feel much. It's an emptiness where I can't distract myself with books or TV. I have no joy in doing things and my back aches from laying in bed for so long. I have no energy to put on my sheos or shower. It's terrible. Life is so pointless.
How are you doing a year later? I can relate to you. Its hideous
my depression feels like weight. it feels like weight on my chest or on my shoulders. it feels like drowning, or feeling heavy. feeling like you're dragging yourself around all day. that's what it feels like for me at least.. and btw thank you for making this channel, you inspired me to make my own mental health vlogs💗💗
My depression experience has been similar. I really like this one quote(not sure who said it) that goes like this "The opposite of depression is not happiness. It's livelihood."
You feel emotions but they're clouded by the cloud of depression that makes the emotions get less recognizable and more hazy as time goes on until you find yourself in a mist of nothingness. You can feel sad and happy and all that but its not lively. I was about 13 or 14 when I first felt it. I was just minding my own business and this cloud of indescribable pain and misery came over me and shadowed everything around me. The cloud has been hovering over me on and off ever since. I'm much better now thanks to meds though. I hope you will be better soon.
Oh my god this is so relatable. I'm 13 now and I've never had any sort of diagnosis, but I feel like I could be having some sort of (high functioning) depression... It's been going on for about 4 months now... I'm still able to go out and do all sorts of things though, so that makes me feel like it's not so bad..
My depression sometimes gets to the point where I wish I never existed in the first place because even dead I'm still a burden on my friends and loved ones. My depression tells me everyone is a liar when they say they love me. I used to loved all sorts of physical pain because it was amazing to actually feel anything at all.
I didn't even have the energy to shower.
"Your heart is a muscle. Keep on loving. Keep on fighting. And hold on. Hold on." - Pat the Bunny.
The hardest part of depression is not knowing why you feel it. went through it last yr badly but its a bit better now. We r here for u. those who have/had it understand
I've been depressed for a very long time and the scary part is that without realizing it I've accepted depressed me as my actual personality. Low energy, no motivation, no interests, not caring about anything, passively suicidal etc. they all feel like my identity. I've been battling with my depression for so long that I just kind of gave up and started ignoring that side of myself which shut down most of my feelings and now I'm pretty much completely emotionless. Sometimes that helps, but then I have moments where I'd kill to experience any emotion, even if it's misery. I can't even remember what I was like before I was depressed anymore. Depression has ruined a lot of my friendships, mainly because of my inability to talk about my problems and need to shut myself off from everyone around me. As a result of my emotional dullness I find it difficult to tell when I'm getting attached to someone so that further complicates my social interactions. Depression is like a disease that spreads and affects every aspect of your life, Like you said, little things become big things, your thinking becomes blurry, nothing you feel makes sense and you just end up tired of everything.
What you had to say about the relief you feel when you have a name for the monster that's been following you around can be so incredibly powerful. I hope that, almost a year later, you're doing well. Thank you for making this video.
Over here is a bag. In the bag is an infinite number of kittens. Each kitten is a hug. Take as many as you need.
I always feel slow, like I'm moving through molasses. And I overeat and make myself sick without my medication. I can't do anything. I can barely go to work at all during an episode. And unfortunately no one realizes that I'm so low. But it's always there those dark thoughts
There was an abstract I read about micro-blogging and people with depression. The abstract talked about the difference between using the internet to express feelings, talking to someone face to face, and writing in a private journal or diary.
1. There is no expected response from a journal.
2. There is an expected response when talking face to face with someone (it is a social norm to respond to someone when they talk to you, especially friends or family).
3. But with micro-blogging or other social media, there is generally no expected response so when someone does respond it is out of genuine desire to include themselves in the conversation.
one of the hardest things is when you realise that everyday little things are like mountains to climb... and like... i wonder how i was ever a functional human being... or maybe i wasn't, but when i was younger i had my parents to help me, and since i live alone, i've been slowly spiraling into nothingness...
it's hard to carry on and just... live... and there's these times where i just don't want to exist anymore, where i feel im barely even there...
and then maybe i have an evening with some friends and i feel good for a couple of days, maybe less, and then im back feeling hollow
and i have two amazing partners that i love and love me, and i try to not give up, i carry on as best as i can
sorry its a bit rambly and im not sure i really make sense...
Jaffre You make sense. Keep fighting, friend. You are loved.
oh my gosh. I have never seen someone understand how I'm feeling this well. thank you for letting me feel less alone. really, thank you:)
i know what you mean about being able to talk openly on the internet about how you feel but finding it hard to talk to your family and friends tbh. i just feel like the internet is really inconsequential and you dont have to watch people react to it in real time which can actually be super terrifying. i hope you are feeling okay xx
I can relate to this so much. When I was severely depressed I had to leave university and I just laid in my parents bed crying for 2 weeks. The constant crying and hopelessness was way too much and no one understood. The worst thing was friends who said "why are you sad?" Because when you were depressed you wish you knew so you could fix it. Unfortunately, there is no answer...
I'm doing wonderful now thanks to antidepressants. I've been on lexapro for almost 10 years and it's saved my life. If you haven't already, please consider medication, and be patient. It takes a while to get the right drug and adjust the dosage.
Love you and all your videos, Claudia. You've got this! ❤️
I don't know if I can put into words how much this video helped me. I tend to think that I'm faking it a lot or I get sort of locked in denial because I don't want to have this lifelong condition that permeates and pollutes every aspect of my being, but I relate to everything you said here. Also, what you said about the shadow reminds me a lot of the song Breaking Down by Florence and the Machine, which I always took as a metaphor for anxiety/depression. Anyway, thank you for this. I don't want you to suffer, I don't want anyone to, but at the same time, it is a blessed relief to know that we are not, any one of us, alone.
4 years later and I’m still comming back to this video and it’s helping me as usual. Thank you for this Claudia
For me it's more like a fog. I'm always sleepy and lethargic and it's a lot harder to concentrate on anything, and everything feels duller and further away. It seems like I'm not a real person.
And I'm sorry if this sounds bad, but I wish my family would act worried. I wish they would ask me about this stuff, or even confront me about it. They just, keep their distance. They act bored and disinterested and resigned. It makes me resent them, to be honest. I don't know how you can be so patient with yours, especially since you say they have said cruel things to you in the past. Just remember that nothing excuses that, even their concern and ignorance.
THANK YOU for posting this because, as much as I may understand that my issues are from my illness, hearing that someone else has all these same symptoms as I have, helps me to recognize that I'm not just some random, isolated piece of shit. I genuinely have an illness and I'm okay and I'm not alone. Thank you.
I'm so glad I found you, Claudia. You make feel so reassured and not alone. I totally relate to everything you say. I'm also an emetophobic and right now, that's what's taking over me and making my depression worse. But when I watch your videos it makes feel comforted and like everything will eventually be okay. Thank you, Claudia.
Personaly, depression feels like having this little dark person inside of me (a bit like the shadow you talked about) who is so sad, angry, and despaired, and clings on to me all the time. I also feel separated from my entourage, it's like there is a cloud or a window around me that shields of people and feelings, it makes me feel empty and alone. Feeling of loneliness is omnipresent as well.
Thank you so much for making these kinds of videos, they're wonderful and I just want to hug you. I've not been diagnosed but I hope to go to a counsilor at my school with a friend as moral support tomorrow. Watching your videos really make me feel as if my feelings are valid and that's really amazing. Thatnk you once again!
We love you loads too! Can I just thank you for these videos? I really appreciate your honesty and openness and villingness to share your experience, it means a lot. Thank you.
I found your channel today and watched a few of your videos. I am inspired by you and your strength. I feel like you can understand a little bit of how I feel, and that is so comforting to me. I hope you continue to make these videos. Thank you for being you.
Thank you so much for making this video. For me it really helps to hear stories like yours, because I never really had any recognition for my illness until way into adulthood. It may sound weird, but you're kind of lucky that you discovered all this at such an early age.
It sucks that your mother doesn't always have the patience to deal with your depression, but at least she recognises it's there. My own mother can't even see that I have it. She never wants to talk about it or anything. I've always been told to be more light-hearted, to "just cheer up", etc. etc. And because people react nicer to you when you're happy and cheerful, I've become an expert at faking happiness - which makes it even more difficult to get any understanding from other people.
Again, thank you, and take care.
+Rettequetette Your story sounds so similar to mine, especially the faking happiness part. All I can say is I am sorry you've had it this rough and to offer an ear if you need it.
woolicane
Thanks - I'm getting the professional help I need right now. I hope you are also getting what you need. It sucks not to be recognised by the people who are the closest to you. It can make you feel lonely at times, even if you have the most awesome partner and friends. It's good to see I'm not the only one with this "double face" and it's nice to meet people like you :-)
I hope you are well. Take care.
Rettequetette I'm doing okay at the moment, starting to get the help I should have long ago. Glad you are too. I always describe it as my mask, very few ever see passed it. Yeah, I know that lonely feeling, anytime you get like that you can talk to me.
I sent this to my Mum as you have described my ENTIRE LIFE! I could never put this as eloquently as you.
Thank you for this video. Sending you love and positivity. Li. xxxx
You did an amazing job at explaining depression. Like... wow. And whoever said you don't 'appear' depressed, that is cruel to say. It is common that depressed people appear much happier than they actually are.
thank you for your sharing! I have the same surroundings as you, so i know how much it hurts when family does not quite well understand what is going on with you and trying sometimes suppress it by ignoring it... and you feel very very alone on that, plus when you are being bullied at school, you're pushed to disastrous isolation...and I mean it that it's disastrous 'cause that's the last bit which shove you over the edge.... anyway, I'm sending lots and lots of love and happiness to you:*
I feel exhausted when I am depressed, and even small things like getting out of bed, taking a shower, or doing minor things around the house, seems like HUGE tasks that are basically impossible to do. I cry for no reason at all, I feel like life isn't worth living, I close myself off from basically everyone around me, and I spend a lot of time hating myself for not being able to just get over it and stop being a burden to the people I love the most. I sleep an extreme amount, and spend most of the rest of time watching shows or reading to escape the dark thoughts and the self hatred and the pain by immersing myself in a fictional universe. Yeah, basically everything you describe, minus the self-harming and suicide attempt. Thank you for making this video, I think you did an amazing job describing what it is like living with depression
The stuff you're describing is a lot like how I feel but I wouldn't cancel plans because I would probably hate myself more because of it.
This was very brave to put this up, thank you for sharing, your experience sounds very similar to my own, I think I have worn a mask over it a lot more than you though, hiding it from those that don't understand, only just having it become part of my medical history now. I have described it to some as constantly swinging against the tide, and taking all my effort to stay where I am and not be swept away, but unable to move forward. I have also described it as both a monster and a beast locked inside me, waiting for it's chance to break free. I am lucky now, not only am I getting the medical help I need, I have a group of friends online that understand what this is like and are there for me, and I am there for them, this is support like I've never had it before, and I know how much good this is doing for me. If you can find people you feel you can trust, who are willing to understand and be patient with you, take their help, it makes such a huge difference. If you can find no one else, try me, I listen well.
I'm 16 and I've been diagnosed with depression and I've just started taking sertraline. I also see a CBT therapist. I start college in two weeks and my depression means that I'm going to find a levels very hard. My depression also feels like a darkness, an overwhelming sensation of emptiness. And having anxiety as well means it's paradoxical - I want to do things because I'm worried about them but I have no motivation to do it. So I just sit in bed thinking all these dreadful thoughts and seeing dreadful things and I'm trapped in my own mind. Thank you for making this video x
My last depressive episode: Despair and Nothing matters anymore. I think that's the best words to describe it. And just like you said very small things can become this huge problem. I remember crying and being very upset for hours because I had forgotten that I needed to transfer money to my college. Next day it turned out that I hadn't even missed the deadline yet and even if I had, it just would have cost a bit more...so no big deal. But it felt like the end of the world...it's weird when I think about it now.
you have put in to words what I have never been able to express or explain. On bad days I feel like I have no words, like I can't talk or communicate. I related to alot of what you said. I hope you're okay.
Thank you for making these videos, you are so brave.
For me, anxiety and depression become symptoms in themselves (I have BPD) your videos are amazing and I have taken to watching them most nights to re-assure myself that I am not alone, that someone does get it. You have far more courage than I, in terms of talking about it so openly. My whole family doesn't understand and they all start pointing fingers at each other and that just makes me worse.... It all seems to be about them all the time and yet they should realise that they have a duty of care towards me but they continue to do nothing. I have given up with them and pushed them out of my life pretty much completely (definition of splitting in a nutshell)
as soon as i opened this vid it was like a punch in the gut cos in all your other videos you always seem so confident and on this one you just seem so much more vulnerable and i know this was posted a year ago but i just hope you're doing better now
thanks so much for your videos Claudia, it's really brave to put everything out there in the hope that it will help someone else. my experiences of depression and mental illness have been pretty similar but it's hard to explain them properly like you said. I get days when I'm just really out of it and I can barley function, to the point that it can be unsafe for me to cross the road because I might not realise there are cars coming. I haven't been like that for months now, but I think that and my suicidal thoughts are about as bad as it's been for me. i can get really overwhelmed and it's like there's only one way out because fighting back is so hard. on days where I can function better it can still effect me, kinda like how you said it was there in the back of your head. But some days I'm fine and I'm happy which is really weird? I hope that you're okay, and that anyone reading in the comments is doing okay. Love u Claudia xx
youre an amazing person I really hope you know that, you dont know how much this is really needed for so many people. i connect with so much of what you say and i really hope that your support system is huge
My therapist says I don't have depression but I related to every single one of the things you mentioned. I constantly have to stay home because I am too tired (I also have chronic fatigue), to panicky/anxious, or can't stop crying whether it's because of the fear of talking to people, simply going to school, or for unknown reasons. I have terrible thoughts everyday and have no idea what it's like to be actually happy anymore. I try to force myself to do the things I used to like but nothing seems or is enjoyable and it normally makes me feel even more depressed. I'm so desperate to be fine, I've tried convincing myself that I am by faking laughter and smiles for 2 years and sometimes it actually helps. I don't feel as terrible but then I feel guilty for not feeling how someone with depression "should" feel, so I can hold onto something and just brush off the mess that I am onto a mental disorder. In going off on a tangent by saying this but I also constantly feel detached, like I'm outside my body. I have no idea who I am, which also doesn't help with depression. Another tangent is when I'm tired and awake I start to see things. It happens every now and then and are usually just blobs of random color but sometimes it's people and I hear my name being called which instantly brings me major anxiety. Anyways I always feel so empty and pathetic and depressed like living has no purpose. I can't trust talking to anyone in person, which makes me lie to many people including my therapist which puts me into a spot which I don't know how to get out. If I try to work things out I'm afraid of getting in trouble and I have a big fear of that as well. I've had so many doctor visits for physical/health issues to the point where no one has any idea what's wrong with me and I'm a walking mess. I never talk to anyone which makes me lonely but no one vet goes out of their way to say anything to me anyways so... But I mean I much prefer being alone. I don't have to deal with people, I just cry alone in my bed all day and try to feel fine. I constantly have a put in my stomach, a lurking feeling of dread and worthlessness which makes me feel sick and I call home a lot from school. Do you have any tips to help? I know it's really just a jumble of words smushed into a long, messy paragraph, but do you have any advice on how to take my mind off it because I've tried distracting myself with music and games but nothing ever feels fun or enjoyable so within the first few seconds of trying something "fun" I give up because I feel so depressed. ;-; So any words of advice or courage! I know you probably don't want to read this all but I'm posting it anyways
My depression first manifested slightly before my GCSE exams started when I was stressed to the point of auditory hallucinations. I just couldn't concentrate and consequently messed up some of my exams and did a lot worse then I should have in others. This just deepened my depression and eventually led to self harm although I've rarely auditory hallucinated since the initial hallucinations. Although I have more visual hallucinations now. Like you my emotions feel big and overwhelming where I can cry if the right person swears at me. I just want to lie in my bed and die predominantly. I find solace in videos like this purely because they display that I'm not alone.
I also can't remember when I'm worked up, as in excited or upset. For example I recently went to the wizarding world and was chosen to get my wand and I know it was one of the best moments of my life (I'm a major potter fan) and it upsets me that despite it being about two weeks ago I can't remember it vividly. It's all broken up in my mind.
depression to me is like some dark shadow sucking the life out of me kind of like the dementors in harry potter like i can't remember what its like to .be happy i personally dont have anyone i feel close to since m'y depression and im not even motivated to do things to keep my mind off it like reading, etc.
Thanks for this video. I could relate to it very much, I also suffer from clinical depression, going through a rough patch at the moment, I was very reluctant to admit I had a relapse, but it has become hard to deal with day to day activities. Somehow listening to this video (and some others) gave me a push to acceptance and to seek help again. Looking forward to come out of this new relapse, and wishing you a full recovery as well.
i remember finding this video a few months back...i was in a really dark place and this video was recommendef and i remember that i started sobbing on the floor of my bathroom with a blade in my hand because i self diagnosed two years back but when i found this i finally realized that i must have depression. i finally realized that i wasnt alone and that there is someone else who feels 100% the same way.
and now i'm back, the exact same spot becaus i neede to hear that i'm not alone.
i guess what i want you to say is THANK YOU. you're the first person to 100% perfectly describe what i feel because before i didnt feel depressed enough and think i was just lazy.
so thank you so so much
x x you are indeed not alone. I've also been where you've been in terms of quite literally sobbing on the bathroom floor and having a blade in my hand (I have put it to my neck one day). I hope for you things will get better and you can get the (professional) help you need. And always remember that seeking help and reaching out is okay. I think it is even a very brave thing to do.
NerdLife101 thank you so much! i hope you're okay as well! thank you xx
Hey claudia,
You are so strong for making these videos, I could never do this and neither could a lot of people so thats a big thing you ARE able to do!!
Stay strong- you will beat this xx
You're such a wonderful and inspirational person, this makes me feel, not better about my own experiences, but I suppose accept them more. Ly ❤️
Dan Roman - "Living With Depression" (CUPSI 2015)
Will always be my favorite poem
For me it's like I'm drowning in a pool of darkness. It's like I'm enveloped in chains, restricting me from moving, from breathing, from living. It's having no will, no desire, almost as if I am chained to the bed in the morning. There is no future, there is no hope. It's just a really foggy, dark place in which I'm cycling between numb as hell and anxious/sad as hell. I frequently get migraines and tension headaches in these periods, which only contribute to my brain fog/confusion. It's just like I'm drowning in a pit of sensory deprivation. I cannot feel anything and I'd be lying if I said I never attempted to force feeling upon myself in negative ways.
Living with depression in this society is like trying to use a wrench to hammer a nail. The people around you say "just use a hammer" as they hand you wrench after wrench.
I always love watching your videos Claudia, they're so informative on topics that I feel I should know more about but don't, like depressing. I'm sorry that you're going through a bad patch right now but all I can say is I'm here for you and I'm loving you (despite how creepy that sounds :D)
I have many stages from depression, but when I it's overtaking me I usually start feeling disconnected of everything. Is like there is a dark veil between me and the world. My mind and body become numb, I get more and more intrusive thoughts that get more irrational as it gets more sever. I find suddenly very difficult to talk to people around me, phisical contact is sometimes a bit forced for me because my usual feelings are completely off . And I am usually extremely tired, hopeless and very angry and violent with myself.
So yes, I basically become this different other person. It depends on how bad is my crisis at that time. When I am very depressed I can't see the illness, I just blame myself for everything over and over again. But when I get better I always see clearly that I wasn't being myself and my thoughts were irrational.
Thanks for your videos, it's very useful to see people talking this openly and I understand how hard it is. Keep on the good work!
(Sorry about the typos, I just woke up and I'm not a native English speaker. I can't edit the comment now :( )
Your videos always makes me feel a bit better. Thank you ❤️
Hey Claudia, thanks for making this video. I think I've had depression since 2011, but I officially got diagnosed on Tuesday. The doctor wasn't super helpful, and I'm going again to a different one next week. I just feel like I'm faking it, or making a big deal out of nothing and I just exaggerated my symptoms when I talked to the doctor. Thank you for talking about what it feels like for you, it's helping me reiterate that I'm not exaggerating. I get so much regret after talking to people, I've opened up a little bit to my parents and regretted it so much afterwards each time, and I'm trying not to regret going to the doctor now, but it's hard. I've sort of resigned myself to feeling like this forever, and that there's not much I can do, but I'm going to keep going to the doctor for now.
Thank you for talking about this stuff and being an inspiration
I really identify with what you say here, particularly about it always being on your mind. I don't like talking about it too much because I know people get bored but I really need to talk about it. It's hard to strike that balance
Thank you so much for this video. It means so much to see someone have the same symptoms as me.
I don't have any friends because of depression. That manifests itself in self harming and suicidal tendencies. I hate being myself sometimes. I have tried many things to help myself and seen doctors and psychiatrists countless times but they don't offer me support. I sometimes feel very, very alone.
I was on acid at a festival and I thought about you again and again. like bless Claudia boleyn so much for talking about feminism (mental illness too). preach girl. you are such a role model. whenever i feel like giving up on any cause I just think of a few of the people who have inspired me and my goodness thank you so much. I hope you think of this and your other influences when you just don't care any more and keep on keeping on. love you!!!!
Thank you so much for this vlog Claudia x
there's so much in this video that I relate to. I know there's something wrong, but i don't have a diagnosis because my parents don't allow me to see a doctor about it. I can't even talk to any of my friends about how I really feel. the only place I can open up is where nobody I know will notice, cause the alternative is frightening.
Getting away from the point is normal ,it's really crazy you said that 😊
My situation is very, very similar to yours. I've been able to stop self-harming and have even been clean a year, but trying to stop feels awful because I always believed I was done and when a relapse happened, I kept getting disappointed in myself and wondering why I couldn't get rid of the intrusive thoughts and absolute hopelessness without cutting. It's hard to say what it is exactly that helped me through it. My family didn't know, they thought I only had bad anxiety because that's all I would share with them, so they couldn't give any advice or rules for me - they could only offer support when I seemed nervous or wasn't eating the way I should've. I was going through talk therapy after discussing my depression with a doctor and all this led to medication, which seemed to make everything worse for a time simply because of the horrible side effects. I also have emetophobia and worried every day that it would make me sick, especially if I had the dose increased, but I knew that the highest dose was nowhere near what I was taking and that made me trust the doctors a bit more when they asked I do try increasing the dose. At this point, I'm still not a perfectly normal human adult, and my anxiety is all over the place, but my depression is different from before. There's a lot more chill days and even times where I just want to be silly and play games. A big part of the healing process I think was making a friend who is older and does a lot of great art and coming to meet with her every now and then to do art together. She says I help motivate her and keep her happy and it's definitely the same for me. I learn a lot of techniques from her, get to hang out with her cats, and get to mess around with paint, clay, fabric, wire, and whatever without any pressure to be a normal human with five billion responsibilities. Another thing I find helps me is always having a blanket to hide in around the house and a stuffed animal to squish in my purse. The stuffed animal is nice especially when I worry about my stomach and if I get extremely worried, I'll even take a tums, if just to ease my mind.
And I wrote a novel here, whoops! Uhm, hope it helps or resonates with you as your video did for me.
omg, I wrote more than I thought I did x-x
i relate to this so much it really feels like a shadow thats always there and i try to distract myself with reading and writting. and tv shows etc.
Please leave me alone
I have nothing to give
Neither a soulless smile
Nor a partially involved mind
There is numb void where my heart should be
That consumes endlessly so
Its best to leave me alone
To my misery.
^a poem i wrote when it was pretty bad
My soul rattles around in my head
Trying to land in my body
But instead scatters in a million directions
Into every person around me
What are they thinking
What are they feeling
Do they like me?
My soul shrinks
at the fleeting assessments
Of cold eyes
There's a small, dark room
at the back of my heart
Where I wait for permission
to step out
I'm not diagnosed, but here are my feelings: I wake up and sometimes it's a good day, but most of the time I get up and fight back tears, wishing that I hadn't gotten up. And then I pretend to be happy the whole day even though it feels like there's something pressed against my chest and that my heart doesn't beat fast enough. I can't talk to anyone about it because I feel guilty and like a failure all the time because I have an amazing family and an amazing life. Every day when I get home it's like demon version of me asks myself why I didn't cut for the first time today or why I didn't kill myself today. And recently it's been getting really hard to ignore the demon.
I had so many people who always judged or ashamed me when I'm depressed.. and I don't ever have any social support. I'm still ashamed
To me depression feels like I'm being taken over. Like I have no control over myself and I end up crying 😭 and it's always there threatening to take over every second. Even when I'm super happy there is always the slightest chance that something could trigger it. I was 10 years old when I started self harming. I try not to do it much but sometimes that is the only way I can get my emotions out. Sometimes I feel so shut down like my body won't work and it's a scary feeling to have when your depressed and I feel like if I don't take my meds I might kill myself and I don't want that. Thank you for making this video. I feel a little bit less lonely (if that made sense)
Most humans think that all other humans should feel exactly like they do. "I don't feel depressed so why does that person? They must be fine and they are just faking it. I feel perfect so they should too!" and that is about as intelligent as most people are on this topic. Even my doctor said things like "Life has it's problems and you just have to learn to cope." Wow, thanks doc. Why the fuck didn't I think of that? The worst thing of all about being really depressed is definitely the way you get treated by others. They feel fine so you should too, end of story. They literally think that if you are sad, you MUST have caused it yourself and because you caused it, you MUST be able to stop feeling that way. There is nothing that frustrates me more.
Depression is shit. Pretty much what you described. Especially being a teenager with depression and anxiety and having friends who suffer from it. Thanks for the videos they're really helpful.
Thank you so much for making this video that makes me feel I'm not alone :)
It makes sense you find it easier talking to a camera. It's less personal, and also you have the opportunity to edit it, or try again, or not to upload if you don't like it. It's less immediate.
Of course you still have to deal with a thousand bridges worth of trolls. So there's that.
If I had the time, I would create a million accounts just to like this video on them. Thank you for making this, you are awesome. :)
This is the best video about depression. I can relate everything you say.
My depression has been really bad lately, I'm scared of going to work because I can concentrate, and I'm also in a lot of pain, so I do mistakes all the time, and older co-workers make me feel guilty about it.
Me and the girl who works with me in the same room have almost stopped talking, best time at work is when I can fake a smile and start a short conversation with her, worst times are when I try not to cry.
I don't have any friends, I think depression has made me a really boring person (I hardly ever laugh, talk, don't like to party etc.), that's why no-one wants to hang out with me. But knowing that it's because of depression made me feel better, it means maybe I'm not really such a boring piece of shit :D I just need therapy and antidepressants and and to meet someone understanding and accepting.
Let's end this comment with something optimistic :P it's almost autumn so new seasons of TV shows, woohoo. I can't wait for your reviews of Doctor Who episodes :D
// I'd like to have a picture of my brain and a picture of a healthy brain next to it and show it to my mum. She tries to be supportive but doesn't really understand it.
For me it feels like I have nothing to look forward too. Melancholy boredom and loneliness. I lose interest in almost all of the things I start. I cant make myself do things like Showering every single day or excercising. No matter how much sleep I get , I always feel tired and lazy. I have unexplained aches and I hate getting out of bed. Endless disappointments. Sometimes I dont feel like talking to anyone.I tell myself that that I look ugly and will never be married. I dwell on things that worry or upset me. The docter told me that I'm gaining a pound a week
I needed this. thank you so much.
Thank you so much for this 💖💖
Thank u! you helped at least one person today😘
I'm a middle school student and I think I'm depressed but I feel like I'm just telling myself that as an excuse for my lack of energy, motivation, concentration, ect. I have only told one person about it and it was my friend but u didn't feel better if fact, I felt worse. I felt guilty and exposed because I know that that friend doesn't have the best life and I felt like I was complaining about my problems while her problems where probably worse. I haven't told anyone but her because I felt like she would be the only one that would understand. I'm so scared of telling people because I'm scared they'll judge me and say that I'm not depressed and that I'm fine. for me it feels like sadness and nothingness. sometimes I feel sad and sometimes it feel like nothing and the thing is that I can be happy but when I do feel happy I feel that maybe I'm not depressed and I'm faking it. I also feel I'm faking it because I don't want to get rid of it and I think to myself if I was depressed wouldn't I want to get rid of it? I always am irritated by everything and I wish it would go away. the irratiblity makes me literally dislike people and I don't even know why I'm irritated. I also like to read but sometimes when it gets bad I don't want to read and i cant consentrate enough to but the problem is reading takes me away from my mind ( if that makes sense ). So if I stop reading if will just just gradually get worse
and I'm scared of falling into something darker then I'm already in. And I think stress is one of the main causes of it also with self-loathing, caring what people think and tradgic experiences.
Mikayla Jensen I've never meet someone who knows exactly how I feel
I felt like something wrong with me since years and that one time that I decided to someone I was going to tell my cousin when she told me she been diagnosed with bipolar
I don't have depression, but I do get these really weird episodes where its like my brain and body disconnect and I'll be lying in bed concentrating on getting up and thinking that I need to get out of bed and nothing happens. But its weird 'cause I'm not sad or mad or anything really. I actually don't really feel anything at those points.
I feel distant and my mind is always clouded
I really just want to give you a hug....
my brother committed suicide and in his not stated his anxiety triggered insomnia and depression. In the end his anxiety prevented him from leaving his room from fear of people judging him for his looks or from being gay, and in his room where he stayed all the time was seeing dark shadows coming at him like demons. We had no idea it was so bad
you are very brave. I feel very similar. I also sometimes when I feel better, I blame myself I could not feel better the other days. which sucks
I suffer from depression and anxiety too so don't feel alone. I think it kinda runs in my family. I used to get really anxious and it would affect my stomach a lot, fortunately the thing with my stomach isn't as bad now. My depression points fluctuates from severe to manageable i guess? I had a really bad patch last year where I really thought I didn't care if i died. It was a really horrible feeling that I don't want to feel again. It's a little better now I guess, but I don't think it really ever goes away. One thing that people don't get is that you don't have to look a certain way to feel like shit. Depression isn't some cool trend and not everyone is pretending to get attention. If people do things that looks like they want attention maybe they need help. If you can find someone to talk to do it because it may help more than you think.
I feel like you and people just tell me have to motivate myself and when I say is not that easy they call me lazy... but it's not that I don't want to motivate myself it's more like I'm too weak too tired to find or feel motivation. And for that I thought that I was crazy because it's like you can't control yourself but I think it's this shadow around me... It's stronger than me and I don't know how to kill it
Can someone help me?
I think I have depression and anxiety but here is the problem, my dad doesn't believe that all mental illness are real. He thinks people with depression and/or anxiety are doing it for attention.
I really want to get help but if I do my dad will just ignore me and won't help me.
I also think I have social anxiety, I have no friends and I don't wanna get to that point of depression were I can't take it anymore.
What should I do?
(Sorry for my bad English)
Katherine Chavez I'm in the kinda same situation but you kinda have to slowly push yourself which I know with social anxiety it is the hardest thing on the planet but it is honestly the best thing. also try to if you go to school, go to a nurse cause they actually really help and even though it feels horrible at the time, it will feel a lot. better in the end. hope this help and I'm always here. xxx
Thank you so much for this video
You're wonderful.
for me it's usually bland and awful, like you described, but every week or every few days sometimes i completely break down out night out of sheer hatred for myself. i don't know how to explain them better than a panic attack, but with depression? if that makes sense?
idk if it's depression or not but for me, I'm always tired and it's like a little demon is on my shoulder reminding me of how worthless I am and how there's no hope in life, I feel hopeless and my appetite is gone completely. I fake smiles and I feel like crying all the time and it takes so long to do things because there is just no point. I don't know if this might be depression but I thought I'd just share it. xxx
Whenever I think that I have depression I just keep telling myself Im making it up and how Im only seeking for attention and how it's only going to be a burden for other people if I talk about it in hopes of making it disappear but its not going anywhere. Everyday it becomes unbearable but I keep getting stuck in a cycle of saying I need help, its not real, I need help, its not real etc And I can't describe it. Its like everything is blurry or unclear. It's like everything is here but I just feel so out of it. Additionally I think I have 'Seasonal Affective disorder' that makes things so much more complicated. It means my depression is worse in the winter months. I never realised this until only recently but it answers why my depression is always the most severe when the weather is cold and gloomy. Its weird and I'm scared people might judge me for it
For me it feels like theese things are becomming more common in earlier ages nowadays. Or maybe it just wasn't as much talked about/or I just didn't know any of this (mental illnesses) when I was in my teens! I'm trying to think very hard to see if I had that kind of symptoms when I was really young. Cause I KNOW from age of 13 (high school) that I fell in to deppression and such. But I never talked to anyone about it or sought or got any help (I'm a little amazed I'm still alive today). I have a lot of trouble nowadays to remember the years before 13. ^^;
I do recognize and relate to a lot of what you said in the video. I try to look at it objectivly when it comes to those around me 'not understanding'. To see that it's difficult for them to. It hurts quite a bit though that one can't easilly make them understand - BUT, at the same time. Do one REALLY want to make them know how it feels?. What if that would result in draging them down in to the same patterns/problems? Then I guess I would rather have them just try and support and try their best and just countinue to love me atleast :,> than having them "fall down" and start feeling the same ways.
Great video! Your a lovely girl and is great human being. I love you loads too! God bless darling ❤️
You are amazing.
Start using hemp oil along with other options as it is effective natural source with high-quality nutrients. Studies have proven that it is effective for treating depression.
It's very interesting watching this after coming from your bpd videos. I've been doing research on all types of depression, bipolar and bpd for the past year because my depression and bipolar 2 diagnosis Never fit me perfectly. I'm now seeing a new therapist and we are discussing the possibility of bpd...
I just wonder if now, when you look back at this, do you see that certain things you described are more linked to bpd? When you said even on a good day that darkness is always there, deep inside you. I resonate so much with that. Also having to keep yourself distracted otherwise your thoughts take over and turn dark. I just relate so much to those two things but always thought they were signs of something other than depression.
Good for you for making this video.
Thank you for making this video = )