Three Stories of Trans Rejection
Vložit
- čas přidán 7. 09. 2024
- I'm going to tell you about three stories of desistance of parents I've worked with in recent months. The reason why I want to tell you three stories is because I'm very keen to make sure that parents realise there's no silver bullet
There isn't one way out.
There isn't one way into gender dysphoria and there isn't one way out.
You've got to find the authority in your house. You've got to find the kind of sense of confidence in yourself to figure out what your kid needs.
I don't know what your kid needs.
You are the world expert on your kid.
I hope that by hearing these stories similar, or even different to your own make you realise that there is light at the end of the tunnel
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Please subscribe, comment, like and share!
Social Media:
X: / stellaomalley3
Instagram: / stellaomalley
CZcams: / @stellaomalleypsychoth...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
#gender #desistance
Thank you. We think we are starting to see glimmers of desistance with our son. The hardest part is to let this run its course, be patient, and accept that the road ahead may still be rocky.
It's like trying to gain the trust of a wild animal, a sudden, false move and all is lost!
Same here with our daughter. She seems headstrong with her future medical transition but we're not pushing her too hard in case that makes her even more headstrong. Sowing little seeds is our strategy, hopefully that works.🤞
That's a good thing.
@@rosezapata3365talk her out of it.
It is as though caring parents have to use the strategy of slowly slowly catchy Monkey!!! Good Luck and Bless you ALL x
@@rosezapata3365 This ideology is causing such harm to our children. I can’t imagine the pain you have been through. But I can imagine the pain that brought your daughter to this point. Had I been born 20 years later, I easily could have been in your daughter’s shoes. I will pray for you all. Have faith. Stay strong. Just ask her to respectfully not use pharmaceuticals until “ ‘his’ body is strong enough to tolerate them successfully.” Sometimes buying time is all you can do at that moment ❤
Thanks for taking the time to share these stories. I have a five year old niece, and I am just terrified of the years to come. I want so badly to protect her from these social pressures, and I hope the world will have changed a little by the time she's of adolescence. Please keep sharing your stories and experiences. Thank you!
if faced with a situation like you described, I think I would probably take my kid for a year or so to a non-western country. where people are less decadent than westerners, less obsessed with themselves and more grounded in biological reality.
Truth is that will entrench the behavior and thinking because you are going to threaten their identity
@@Dietconsulting Well said
That usually makes it worse. Lots of de-tr@nsitioners have that story, and they all say "that made me more determined".
So life should be hard and miserable, is that your message to them?
@@Britneygurl why miserable? if anything, westerners seem to be very miserable, given amount of antidepressants and anti anxiety they take.
I absolutely love to hear your monologues, dialogues and interviews. You have a real gift
Thank you that’s lovely of you
@@stellaomalleypsychotherapist I feel like such a groupie! Fan number 1, at least in Eastern Europe. I'm learning so much from you, thank you for everything
Important to know many adolescents and young adults desist. The more we read the stories of others, listen to our kids, hold the line with reality and discuss with each other, the more parents can be confident to lead their children back to their original, natural trajectory.
This is brilliant, really great parenting advice, esp for those of us with pre-pubescent children who might face these issues, all of us, my kids show no signs but still needing to be prepared. Videos like this are worth their weight in gold.
Thank you for this, this aspect has been underrepresented and we need it.
I agree!
Thanks Stella.... I'm training therapists and this is really helpful. However it's really hard to get my students in the kind of space where they can talk about this. They are genuinely afraid..... keep posting and as educators we'll figure out how to create the conversation in class
Thank you.
Thank you for sharing these. We'd love to hear more. I wanted to note that whatever service you were using for transcription kept turning "desisting" into "disgusting" so a quick search and replace of those before uploading should be an easy fix.
Yikes I better get at that!
The question you posed as to why some alcoholics can stop drinking and others cant is i think a useful question to pose here.
I think it depends very much on what was happening in the persons life when they started. Say for example, a person starts drinking or smoking after the sudden and tragic death of a loved one. Of course they drank to numb the pain. So when they try to give up their addiction those feelings of anxiety, anger or shock emerge. As a mental health worker i noticed that those who started on alcahol had an easier time giving up if they started because of peer pressure. Unlike experiencing shocking news the latter here is about fitting in or been brainwashed. So its more mental than emotional.
Given there are so many detransitioners, the power of the ideology in the schools and culture at large shows that it certainly has all the characteristics of a cult.
So introducing the child to other experiences, ideas etc would certainly be beneficial i would imagine.
It IS a cult. CULT: They believe in something that's not true, they despise anyone who doesn't agree with them, they love bomb potential members, they separate the child from the parent, they think the world agrees with them, and they even have their own language. Cult tactics 101.
Theres no way someone knows their own identity as anything at 14, theres so many changes. Wait, wait, wait, until 21 years old.
This is actually about morality, the lack of, and not medicine.
Thank you Stella! Such refreshing and thought-provoking insights. I really appreciate your commitment to taking reality and people just as (messy) as they are, without getting bogged down in ideology and (arrogant forms of) purity. Staying aware of/humble about the things we can't know is so important. I saw the game you did with mr menno and peter boghassian, and your deep insight, wealth of experience, and principled pragmatism, really shone through. If there had to be a winner I'd have given you the gold.
Thank you Stella, you give me hope!
Preventative measures need to be in place before exposure, so parents need to wake up to what their children are experiencing in school from kindergarten all the way through. It’s now a parental duty to be educated and vigilant. I had my own family preventative measures in place but also I had a plan ready for if we ended up in the weeds. I never needed to action it but I was ready. The closest we came was 12 months of veganism for a daughter but that was a warning sign. It was no accident nor luck that we made it through. The next challenge is having your sons survive false claims of sexual assault. Warn your sons and educate your daughters. Parenting is no longer about the basics. It’s might not be war but it’s constant battles.
"Assessing the situation" -- this is great. Gender ideology, for all that it touts itself as about freedom, has a tendency to categorize a variety of problems in exactly the same way, and thus make the same recommendation for care. I love your approach, which seems to take into account more than just what a child says is true.
Told with such honesty and humanity.
What is so weird is that conflict-avoidant parents were so controlling of their daughter except for her wanting to transition. One would think that they could have rationally talked her out of that. Glad it worked out though!
Excellent insight, Stella! Thanks!
I’ve not heard a more intelligent, well spoken, charming, interesting woman like this in a very long time
Excellent
Brilliant work.
You are a very good storyteller. 🙂
The great Stella O’Malley !
Hi Stella, I have worked in a helping profession myself and I would say that the members in the family who attract the most attention are those who seek to make visible a family dynamic that was already present in the family. I am convinced that what these children, who supposedly want to see their sex changed and accepted, want is exactly the opposite, but are not aware of it. They want to see the natural order restored and they want their parents to expend energy to achieve this. Admittedly, this is probably the biggest challenge a family faces.
The parents, as those who are potentially capable of achieving this, are confronted with a test of maturity that can probably be considered unrivalled to date. Not only is their maturity being tested, the teenager wants to go through his own maturity test. This is where it is decided whether the family order is able to assert itself or whether political and social pressure gains the upper hand. If everyone involved fails this challenge, they run the risk of seeing themselves as victims. This is the least desirable situation of all. In this respect, we will see more stories and examples of this.
Appreciate ya. Thanks for sharing.
Hi Stella.. As a transperson, I'd like to see concessions as i really dislike how this is hurting the image of my community. Just to give you a history, 7 yrs ago (three years before laurel was in the Olympics) I posted on tsroadmap that laurel hubbard was a gift to those who disliked us. I wrote about how it would be leveraged to make us look like "he men" in dresses who women need male protection from. Im in support of concessions were nudity is displayed. The wi spa incident was an outrage to me.
Im for concessions in prisons. Im for abandoning surgeries for minors.These few concessions only impact a small percentage of transwomen. I believe most transwomen are with me on these concessions
@stella is it Normal for “quiet desistance” & kids never mention it again or bring up the subject anymore? My daughter also has shown signs of desistance for the past year. I’m so scared to flat out ask her if she still considers herself “trans” because I am terrified of hearing what I don’t want to hear. I’m terrified she is just putting it all off until she leaves home & just not telling us.
I hope you will allow an answer that does not come from Stella.
I actually have more questions than anything: Do you feel confident with your own decision, so do you have a settled view on the subject? Are you at peace with yourself about your point of view? How confident are you that you are doing the right thing over the duration of the conflict if you do not confirm your daughter's idea? On a scale of 1-10, for example (1 = very unsure, 10 = very sure).
Do you feel a kind of relaxed serenity towards yourself when you practise non-confirmation or have no doubts about your own authority? This would be a good sign that you can make yourself independent of your daughter's opinion.
If you were to ask your daughter specifically, I think it's easy to imagine, what would her answer be? Don't be afraid to imagine it and answer it in your mind. You will know best what the answer would be.
If you now know the answer, having briefly played out this scene in your mind, do you still need the real act of asking the question?
I assume that your daughter knows your views. Has she experienced enough stamina from you without you having to make sure she still loves you? I think that would be a really interesting question to think about.
@@ERH-ph5gb To answer you question in order yes. yes. yes. I don't know, I would imagine it would be no. However, I think she's still considers herself "queer" and if you ask me it's because so many kids now hate to be just plain 'vanilla normal'. I don't know if asking her would cause more harm than good. Stamina? Don't know what you mean, by that. But She knows i love her bc I show it daily in different ways.
@@Lucia818-bb9kk You mean that you imagine she would say "no" as to spare herself a further conversation/confrontation?
With "stamina" I mean perseverance.
If you think to label oneself as queer is just something the kids do in order to be more interesting, or special. Yeah, that's what we all did as teenagers, I think. As long as the teenager does not expect his or her parents to treat them differently, it shall be alright.
I sometimes told my son that he could talk and walk like he wants with his peers but that he is not supposed to expect that from me and that his world and my world differ in many cases.
Excellent examples!
Also the thumbnail seems to be one prepared for another video.
You're right!
So were these kids on hormones or not?
No, desisters just say they will transition and mostly put off their social life as this plays out. The parents still mostly have the power unless the kids claims abuse with proof. I went through it and I don't remember 10th-12th grade. It was traumatizing and later on the medical establishment said I wasn't transgender because I wanted castration and female hormones but still wanted to present as male. The age of the internet brought about opportunity to network and find the 5 urologists in the US who would do it. I had to lie and legally change my name to female to get low dose estrogen for bone maintenance. That was 13 years ago and it was the best decision I ever made and I'm in better physical health as well. Eunuchs out live their male counterparts and even females.
Desisting means reversing from social transition only with no medical intervention, including hormones.
.
❤🇬🇧
I listened to your talk against my better judgement,but I wanted to hear what you had to say. The disdain for being trans is clear. I can't speak to the specifics of these cases that you presented but some things should be said. There are a number of reasons for why someone would detransition but they generally boil down to these four. Firstly, it is too expensive to do what they feel is needed so they don't bother to continue. Second, they don't feel like they would be passable enough and they have a hard time seeing a positive outcome. Thirdly, they fear what other people will think of them. They start on the path and realize that it is just too hard to cope with. Fourth, they were never trans to begin with. This video assumes the fourth right out of the gate and that appears to be the goal. I would argue that at a young age it may not be easy for a child to truly know whether they are trans. That is why social transition is important and being affirming is important. It is why puberty blockers are important. It gives them a chance to figure it out. If they end up detransitioning due to realizing that they weren't trans, that's great. They can then rest assured that they gave it a try and now the issue is settled. If you don't give them that opportunity, you reinforce in them that it is a negative thing and they actually are trans, we end up at 3 above. There are no guarantees in life and it is up to each of us to make our decisions. I think telling kids no, just makes it so they are more likely to want to do it regardless of whether they feel it is right. For kids who are really trans, pushing hard for them to desist is extremely damaging.
Let me ask you a question: Can the relationship between parents and children be reduced solely to the childs perspective? Would you call that responsible?
It is completely legitimate, normal and healthy for parents to have a certain attitude towards life and for adults to categorise what they themselves grew up with as coherent. Do you agree, that parents have a right to bring up their children in a way which is coherent for them?
If you say yes, the attitude of finding transgenderism wrong from the outset is completely legitimate.
Those parents neither want some one to convince them otherwise, nor do they need and ask for it. The three examples given in the video are therefore excellent examples of having a clear stand point. You are absolutely correct in your observation that this was the parents goal from the get go.
Despising something is perfectly normal. You can insult me and I wouldn't want stop you from telling me that you despise my stance on the issue. I actually welcome you to offend me since you'd probably would be more authentic in that, instead of trying to be nice.
To despise something, to be clear about one's own despicable position, is a pre-condition for being able to behave rationally as a consequence of my exact knowledge of what I despise. If I can't even admit that, then I am ignorant towards myself and others.
As parents, you have a responsibility to your child to be clear about your position and not to stay unsure too long. Ambivalent parents is the worst thing for children because the truth is that every child wants their parents to know what they are doing, and to know who they are. This is as true as it can get. I say it again: Kids WANT their parents to be right. They want them - before all others - to be right.
If you yourself are a parent and you deal with a kid who fixates on a particular issue and you act one day understanding and the other day not understanding, that is the conflict you will cause in your kid. Since a kid has the greatest bondage imaginable towards parents, it wants to follow their lead.
Now, you could argue that parents who confirm their kid in ist fixation on sex change, do them good in the long term. But you neither can rely on academia nor on any other political message, since one part of evidence of long term consequence is the relationship between parents and their kids ITSELF. It is THE most important relationship for everyone next to a partner.
A kid might turn out very ungrateful and hateful towards confirming parents, after it had grown up and became an adult itself. The kid might break up contact und accuse the parents of not having them protected when young.
And the child would be right, since puberty blockers given in the narrow time window of a human being pubescent, is a short one. The physical impact is real and dangerous, regarding the ability to have orgasms, the ability to reproduce once testosterone on female sex organs were given, for example, and the irreversable treatment of sterilisation. Since the future of a kid who was once confirmed is uncertain, responsible parents act according to not having a chrystal ball towards their kids future issues with the topic. So what they do, is to protect their kid in the assumption that their child might one day feel deep regret towards its immature desires. The now adult will rightly blame the parents in not having done everything in their power to resist his formerly immature ideas. Every kid is immature. Period.
If you yourself are a parent, go ahead and confirm your daughter or son and let them have their desires play out in full. Take the risk yourself. But to demand that other parents shall take that risk is not only an intrusion into an intimate family dynamic, it is tyranny in its purest form, now cast into law.
This whole topic is actually a proxy for the fact that parent-child relationships are full of conflicts that need to be resolved. Conflict that is resolved - and not avoided - is how you learn and develop a mature personality. Confirmation does nothing of the sort. Confirmation shifts the conflict solely onto the child and parents who do this, deprive their children of the developmental opportunity to emerge from a resolved conflict as a satisfied person. These are parents who have not yet matured themselves. That is the real transformation. It does not require biological or chemical intervention. What this transformation from a child to an adult needs is courageous parents who are the only ones who know their children well enough to give them the appropriate challenges for their age.
Now, when there are exceptions to these rules (which there are), they may take every available medical intervention they can get hold of. But this can only be such a moment when a person can be called an adult. And had been given the chance as not yet adult to overcome puberty in full. And AFTER all this time and considerations STILL want to change their sex, that is the right moment. You cannot do that before or in the middle of puberty.
@@ERH-ph5gb thank you for your comments. I can say that there is some truth to what you say. Parents want what is best for their kids. If that means saying no to them because they believe that being trans is an ideology and a cult they can justify that as doing what they believe in. There is an assumption that being trans is wrong, that it is a bad thing. For those parents it is a bad thing. But speaking as a trans person, this is just part of who I am, it is not an ideology, I have known this about myself for an extremely long time. I am trying to say that when you shut kids down and just say no it can be very harmful. I am struggling hard right now to reconcile what my parents have made me. It's really hard because I love them but at the same time I have been a shy introverted, anxiety filled person because of all the no's. What I was feeling inside, no that is wrong. You can't wear your mom's clothing and you will be severely punished if we see you do it again. And I was. But I couldn't help myself. This continued over the years. It culminated a belief in me that doing what I wanted was bad and that I should really be working towards making other people happy. This is why I am still struggling to come out fully. Why I am still afraid to dress as a woman in front of my parents. It has caused so much grief in my life. But I have it pretty good relative to some people. I was able to conform and do what they wanted me to. I was able to survive, up until last year when I just couldn't take it anymore. Not everyone is like me. Not everyone is so weak as I was/am. Many just can't take the no. Many recognize early on that there is a path out and are willing to go down that path. I have a number of trans friends who have taken this path and have left home even before finishing school. They don't have the "benefit" that I did of continuing education and getting a job. They are really struggling. I feel bad for them. I feel bad for both of us. It didn't have to be that way. We could have both grown up with the ability to express our genuine selves and also finished school, got a job, a family and more. For parents to say no I am right, you are wrong and I can make you do what I want actually does a lot of harm. There is another path that some kids take. It is really sad when that happens. But it doesn't have to. Parents need to talk to their kids. If your kids are saying that this is who they are and this is what they want then why is it so hard to listen to them? There is a process to figuring it out. There is time to figure it out.
@@Britneygurl Thank you for response. I do unterstand your suffering. It's something we all know and we all go through.
My answer will be long. I hope, you don't mind.
My view on this is that parents may really think it's bad because it's so alien, irritating and unsettling to their entire world view that they can't immediately say yes to it. It's so unusual because the rule is that men and women feel and perceive others as men and women without ever thinking about it.
A thought experiment:
Imagine a planet where everyone switches sexes on regular basis. How are they supposed to know which sex they tend to be if they don't have a stereotype to fall back on?
How do they even want to be a woman or a man if no one on the planet really knows what "woman" or "man" is?
But let's stick with that. Let's say the rule is to switch sexes and everyone switches as often as they want (although that's really hard to conceive).
Now one of these planetary inhabitants says that he can't accept this rule and instead of changing sexes, which is perceived as normal, he doesn't want to change at all. How would this society react to him? Would his parents, friends, relatives etc. say "No problem. We don't know what you're talking about, but go ahead, as no one else is likely to have any problems with it." Unlikely, correct?
This makes it particularly difficult for this person, but above all he would probably not see society change in his lifetime to such an extent that it would be prepared to accept such a strange idea in general and in its entirety.
Because it is and also will and must be the exception to the rule. Society will only learn to accept it in particular, and only if those involved can recognise that you are serious about it.
If you are serious about it and you are prepared to pay the price for it too, which in some circumstances may mean breaking away from those who are your parents, it is very sad, but it is also a reality that you have to learn to deal with, even though you don't want to.
On the subject of "parents who just say no." When parents have a child who says it's a boy or a girl, they postpone the decision until their child has reached the age of consent to make their own decision.
So they only say "no" for the time they want to give the child to reach maturity. This is different from just saying no and not giving a reason - which is difficult to impossible anyway if a teenager keeps bringing up the subject themselves.
However, if there is a breakdown in communication between parents and teenagers, for example if no one seeks advice from a competent therapist (who is not a confirming one) and the child is still determined to change their appearance at the age of sixteen, there is still the option of leaving the parental home and going their own way without their parents. As you have mentioned, too.
A friend of mine moved out when she was sixteen because she couldn't cope at home. She did an apprenticeship, earned her own money and made her own decisions from then on. It's not as if sixteen-year-olds aren't capable of doing that. If the parents still think they can't cope with their child under the circumstances, there's no way to have a relationship. That's just the way it is.
A teenager should not be able to force his parents. But if you give immature children the opportunity to force them to do so by calling in the state, the state will use the opportunity to take the children out of their parents' home and not only separate them physically but also force them to pay for treatment. If not them, then society will pay with tax money.
Here, the state is interfering in a dynamic that is none of its business. It is acting as a saviour, just as the affirmative doctors and therapists would like to feel like saviours. Countless relationships will be destroyed in this way.
My main point is: If someone is destroying a relationship, then it must be the parents and children THEMSELVES who are doing it.
It MUST take place on the basis of their intimate relationship. If you take it away from them because you interfere as a doctor, therapist, youth welfare worker or teacher, then there are no longer any responsible parties. Because at the end of the day, none of these people are actually in a position to take responsibility, how could they even? So there are many people involved, but no one responsible.
It must therefore be difficult and not easy for a teenager; if he really wants to go down this path, he must do so without his parents, without the state, but alone. He must earn his own money in order to pay for what treatment he wants.
Only later in life will it become clear whether parents and child will really pay the price of division for the rest of their lives. Some will get back together, others won't.
The task in life is to achieve a form of contentment with yourself, no one else can do it and no one should claim to make others happy. That is wicked. If I am happy, so is my husband. If he is, I am too.
Sincere greetings to you.
@@ERH-ph5gb I agree with you that the state shouldn't force separation of children from parents unless there is signs of abuse. I don't think that you can stop parents from being transphobic or homophobic. But I feel bad for kids stuck in that situation.
@@Britneygurl A kid will not be forever a kid. It will grow out of it. That is just as much a chance as a challenge. If you turned 16, you can leave parents who are giving you grief.
It is not my task nor my duty to cure anyone from whatever phobia. It is my goal to develop and mature myself in life. If I can accomplish this alone, that is more than enough and good enough. If you feel bad about other kids, it means you still feel bad about yourself. Get yourself out of this state of mind and things will turn out better for you. Just don't expect it to be extraordinary, but ordinary.
You can't act.