why small talk sucks
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- čas přidán 3. 06. 2024
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Have you ever struggled with small talk? This seemingly simple form of communication has always been a mystery to me. Why are chats about the weather or repetitive texts asking "wyd" so important? In this video, Sabrina learns why small talk exists by challenge herself to talk to a bunch of strangers.
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SOCIAL MEDIA
Sabrina
Twitter: / nerdyandquirky
Instagram: / nerdyandquirky
Melissa
Twitter: / mehlizfern
Instagram: / mehlizfern
Taha
Twitter: / khanstopme
Instagram: / khanstopme
CREDITS
Produced by Sabrina Cruz
Video Editing by Vicky Moonan
Motion Design by Sabrina Cruz
Thank you to Jayde, Anjelica, Lorien, Noor, Aaron, Jo, Xuan, Austin, and Jake for chatting with me. Hopefully we aren't strangers anymore :)
MUSIC
Epidemic Sound. Get started today. share.epidemicsound.com/answer...
RECOMMENDED READING
Why small talk is so excruciating (2019) by David Roberts via Vox
TIMESTAMPS
00:00 Sabrina is QuiRkY
01:08 The Self-Help Hole of Research
01:42 Why Small Talk Exists
04:01 Three Ways to Get Better at Small Talk
05:08 Science? I don't know her.
06:35 Just realized I mispelled spreadsheet.
06:42 Sabrina remembers she has an anxiety disorder
09:48 Conclusions, conversions, and statistical insignificance
12:00 Please share this video with someone you want to small talk with
12:16 Paying the bills
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Welcome to the joke under the fold! A word of warning regarding small talk:
Be careful including cheesy jokes during small talk, someone might me laughtose intolerant!
Leave a comment with the word LAUGH to let me know you were here ;-)
I hope you liked that video! *Do you have a favourite conversation topic?* Leave a comment down below.
If you want a heads up on future video topics and a chance to get involved, make sure to subscribe to our newsletter: www.answerinprogress.com/newsletter
My favorite get to know you question is this: If you went to get lotion, but instead of lotion coming out of the bottle, tiny people came out, assuming you haven't gone insane, what would you do?
Yeah it doesn't always work out for me...
@@emmacole1857 how strong are the tiny people? Are they well coordinated? Like, can I train them to do all my chores? I’m into that question.
My favorite topic for strangers is “in your opinion, what’s the weirdest part of adulthood?”
When there’s a lull in conversation between me and my one friend, we start a chain of “who would win in a fight?” between other people we know. We’d bracketed almost our entire sorority chapter by senior year.
"What's your favorite bridge?" Gets some fun looks from people, and "What's your passion?" Always leads to deep conversations when people want to play along.
"Do you think koalas should exist?" "Have you ever held a brain?"
....are you *sure* this counts as small talk? 😂
Koalas adapted to eating leaves, wich adapted to not be eaten after, wich prompted adapting to the eating of barely edible kinda poisonous leaves
They're a beautiful example of natural selection being funky and I love em
@@rianantony Specifically, sounds like a great example of co-evolution.
Don't know if it counts as small talk but I would love this.
I just love answering questions and getting attention, and I have an opinion about almost anything.
And now I just realized this makes me sound like a narcissist.
@@echoplots8058 bruh same-
All three of her small talk 'tips' are also far more relevant for in-depth focused discussions, having very little to do with small talk.
Small talk was invented by William Small in 1765. Before then, people would just stare at each other in absurd silence.
Bruh?
@@qeizahmadgibran4174 I was there, I can confirm
Now that sounds like a nightmare. Just staring...
🤣🤣🤣 Brilliant
Underrated comment
I feel like every conversation in my head is always more interesting than my real conversations
I always come up with more interesting material after the fact
@@keithgehman3945 write a book then
@@wmurd fine I will!
@@keithgehman3945 based response
@@keithgehman3945 the book, now ?
If you want to curb small talk, ask the other person extremely personal questions like how many times they poop a day and whether it's hard or soft. They'll stop talking to you.
i poop everyday man usually soft
is a answer more uncomfortable?
@@vintage_odditiesHow often do you visit ⬛🟧?
@@vintage_odditiesbruh 😂
The folks who respond to those kinds of questions are my favourite people
My personal favourite icebreaker is "So, ah, what's your opinion on politics?"
Getting to know someone isn't small talk. Small talk is talking to that coworker you hardly know who happens to be in the kitchen when you want to heat up your lunch and you do not care about but they insist on asking you how you're doing even though they don't care about you either.
@Top Lobster but all serious staring with silence are
This is really specific…
Yeah I was gonna say something similar. Its called small talk for a reason - it stays inside a small set of subjects and doesn't get into anything important, controversial, unusual or meaningful. She enjoyed these convos exactly because they weren't small talk.
You might want to go back to the "three ways to get better at small talk" section.
and if you simply answer the conversation is over and it's gonna be awkward but if you answer and deliver something back to the conversation it'll continue
Small talk is only an issue when one individual cannot recognize the other's desire to leave.
Finally something phenomenal!
always assume they wanna go lol
Same thing with the friendzone...
Then just leave? Or go silent? Or do something else while answering the questions? The other person will hopefully get the hint after either one of those.
@@guillonremi5668 except not everybody wants to date a person so friend zoning is going to happen no matter what people do
I see small talk as a easy way of testing if a stranger wants to have a conversation when I don't know. Its pretty much an invitation for someone to talk. If I ask them how their day was or if they did anything fun over the weekend and they give me a bland, "its okay" answer, then I know they don't want a conversation. If I ask them and they actually give me something to go off of, then we can start a conversation without one of us awkwardly saying something out of nowhere. As much as I would sometimes want to I'm probably not going to walk up to some random and ask, "How do you feel about, *Insert random obscure topic here*" unless we are both in a situation which gives me a topic to talk about. It helps to have some level of buildup and sometimes small talk can do that.
I agree, I think a build up is being in the same setting like a classroom. But I often give boring responses because I don't know what else to give even if I'm open for a conversation. I'm curious if you're ready to talk and someone asks "what did you do this weekend?" how would you answer?
same
I still don't really get how you're supposed to get to the random obscure topic
@@user-iz3ss5rb3zjust add something they can give a substantive response back to so "my weekend was really good I painted my dogs nails last night" or "ehhh it sucked i baked a cake yesterday and my house still smells burnt" random examples lol but just say something that the person can comment on or like "bounce back and forth" ig
@@user-iz3ss5rb3z if someone asks you this and you really want to have a conversation, them you should just talk about what u did in the weekend.
You also need to consider this as an additional factor in why you enjoyed it: willing participants.
You were speaking with people who were associated with you through a second or third degree of freedom, and were willing participants in conversation - they were curious, as you were, if not about the same things.
But where small talk becomes tedious and terrible is when you have people who aren't inclined to talk with you.
Through your experiment, you managed to "clear" one of the filtering steps that you would normally have had to deal with in other scenarios. In that regard, Omegle was closer to producing real-world-like interactions: 2 seconds and you're already mentally checked out and want to run away. XP
But glad that you enjoyed the process :)
Its definitely hard to talk to strangers, even WITH these parameters and filters in place. So, well done. :)
at least in real life you wouldn't be seeing that many phallic communications when looking for phatic communications. (yes, i said that many, because it's not impossible)
I would argue that is a general problem in it of itself, the broad unwillingness for people to communicate. i get being busy and other things taking priority but if you actively refuse to engage in communication of any form when presented with the occasion then, honestly that just sounds sad to me (couldn't think of any other way to describe it)
disclaimer: im using you as a hypothetical, not referring to you in particular
Well normally my real life situations are at work or if an accident comes up. When you have to solve a problem with someone new you’ll just talk to them.
same bro
Being extroverted and having anxiety is like being lactose intolerant and loving cheese
yes, it is hell
RIGHT
That's me. I've gotten pretty good at suppressing my anxiety, but I have to be focused or else I'll turn into stuttering mess.
Fml
Honestly
Being introverted and having anxiety is pretty much losing your identity by becoming a rock. Yes, it is hell
No one:
Sabrina: Let's do the thing I hate for a day straight instead of making book reports.
I heard it said that, if you hate something, you should do it for a week. I understand that as making sure you actually don't like it, and you are not basing your opinion on baseless thoughts.
Second
@@agatehead4924 second?
Burakku Ren 2nd
@@agatehead4924 ...do you mean you second my opinion?
I think its interesting that the way to make small talk not suck is to make it kind of not small talk anymore. If the idea for small talk is to be purely social without any information, then in theory once you started really listening, asking questions, and wanting to know about the other person than it becomes informational again. You're gathering information about the other person.
you're so right! Crazy how this works. I'm surprised no one else picked up on it. this makes me feel better about making small talk, turning it into something informational. Bridging conversations by asking related questions -- "what do you think of this class?" or something. I do think a bit of awkward small talk is necessary sometimes.
Your right, I see the purpose of small talk as a launching point or a way to test the waters. It shouldn't necessarily stay at small talk.
However there are situations where it does and that can be insufferable and soul sucking - like asking people how they are without wanting a real answer.
Or the opposite to happen where it gets into deeper things but in an inappropriate or cringy way. Like coworkers telling you personal things you don't want to know about, or even when there seems to be an inability to for the conversation to stop when at least one person wants it to.
You're awesome 🙌
People don't understand that small talk sometimes is a gateway to making a friend
I feel the primary reason why I think small-talk exists, was not mentioned.
Being that it's also to like, vibe-check them, vet someone, sus them out as far as their social behaviour.
You can then see if they fit into important social norms. You can see if they feel "off", maybe you don't feel safe around them.
You can also detect if they are a social person or not, or don't want to talk further, without having to launch right into deeper actual conversation to find out.
This relates to swearing, and the actual social value of people generally frowning upon swearing in certain settings/situations, even though they are "just words". It's a way to see if someone can follow basic social standards (no matter how silly or arbitrary they may seem), and if they can't, then it serves as something for other people to note about you, as it may then follow that you also can't follow basic social standards in other areas of life, too.
Okay this video was not the kind of "small talk" I had in mind. These were full blown real conversations. I thought we were talking about like that Wiki image;
- Hey how are ya
- Yea good, yourself?
- (Ignores question since it was interpreted purely as a pleasantry), BOY the weather sure is unremarkable today, innit?
- OH YAA you can say that again! but probably don't
"Saying the same thing in different fonts." That is in my brains reference library now.
saaaaaame
𝖘𝖆𝖆𝖆𝖆𝖆𝖆𝖒𝖊
Fr
@@otesunki that’s- 💀
𝕱𝖗
I think you mostly just skipped small talk and went straight into getting to know each other.
WRITE THAT DOWN! WRITE THAT DOWN
The only small talk is the intial questions and then it's just good communication to feed the conversation.
Small talk is just sparks, you still gotta feed the fire and leave air for it to grow.
Exactly. As soon as you start talking about personal opinions, you've left the realm of small talk.
Small talk is the weather(the classic), sports games, weekend activities, etc. Small talk only consists of how things ARE.
All three of her small talk 'tips' are also far more relevant for in-depth focused discussions, having very little to do with small talk.
@@michaelnolan9416 what *are* birds?
"I feel like I'm buffering in real life." No more apt description of this feeling has ever been put into words!
There are some people who make small talk incredible and after they're gone I wonder how they make cracking jokes, making the other person feel at such ease, just enjoying where the convo goes and make it seem so simple
What really puts me off with small talk is that my anxiety always makes me feel like the other person doesnt care about my stuff and what I'm gonna say, like i think "oh I'm gonna tell them about my outfit" and my mind goes "wtf no one cares shut up"
SAME T.T
Be proud of what you love. I love to see people loving and I think that counts for the most of us.
Then focus on the other person. People tend to love talking about themselves, and if they don’t then now you have something in common.
ikr and then thinking if they might ignore my question and you’re ashamed to ask them again
Happens so much
I'm good at talking to strangers... because I don't really do small talk. I ramble without care about whatever fascinatingly shiny thing has caught my attention, irrespective of the potential for embarrassment. Often people, after getting over their shell shock, will join in with enthusiasm. Others stare at me like I have 2 heads and quietly back away. I once had a 20-minute conversation about shifting agriculture in regards to environmental concerns as well as shifts in public demand with a guy at a bar... I had never met him before.
Yesss this is me 💯
I love people like you because talking for me is hard but I enjoy listening to others so much
Keep being you, you're the best
Yeah, same, for the most part. Leave it to a lockdown to discover just how extroverted I really am.
I do this too! My friends joke that if life were and rpg I'd have high charisma, because I can talk to anyone and is actually super easy, you just have to steer to a topic you can really talk about
OK, as long as you are aware of hints and body language from people wanting to escape without being rude, and let them leave without making it weird.
I loved how much I could relate to this video! Before my senior year, I had major anxiety and would shy away from any conversations. Once the pandemic was over and students were allowed back on school campuses, I decided I need to make an effort to get over my fear of small talk. On the first day of school, my plan was to talk to strangers in my class and start conversations with compliments or even funny jokes. I made so many new friends that day and learned multiple life lessons:
1. Don’t be scared to start a conversation; they probably are scared to start a conversation too
2. Sincere compliments are nice and a great small talk starter
3. If the person does’t want to talk to you, there loss
Now when I start conversations, it’s like a drug; that dopamine of new stories and people always makes me look forward for the day. I still may need some practice, but overall, I am proud to say I getting over my fear of social anxiety and I wish I tried getting over my fear sooner!
Small talk is the bane of my existence, why ask how you are if you don’t actually want a genuine answer?
It's called "building a community" you can't expect to have an interconnected society without these questions. It is weird to come up to someone and ask them about their childhood problems or their finances. Small talk is there to let you know that someone is there and they vibe with you. She mentioned in the video, how small talk is not there to exchange information, but to have a social connection
Just got here, some of these section names are gold
“Paying the bills”
I love how professional your videos are whilst utilizing sentences like: “this yeeted me down a rabbit hole of self help”
I love her videos! The way she projects everything is so cool and detailed.
"A garbage experiment, with sample size one!"
The contrast between the professional side and the entertainment side is fucking amazing
Yes. This is the sentence I didn't know I needed
it's the nature of the nerd to do so
I've done that already. I felt like the reason why it feels good is the same as why people get addicted to video games and television... there's always something new to learn, some story that the person wouldn't think about that it only remembered because of another thing you asked so it feels like you uncovered a treasure of some sort.
But to be honest after a while it's good to get a rest from people...
You are SO good at visualization and animation. I have ADHD and struggle to actually watch videos because I get bored easily, but this is incredibly engaging to me.
One of the best pieces of advice I ever heard, and which always comes back to me when chatting with new folks, is: Don't interact with someone as if you need to convince them to be your friend - treat them as if they already are.
Good advice. There’s a quote somewhere about people taking their cues on how to treat you from how you behave. If you act like a friend, people will tend to treat you like one
I often keep distance of feel safe, but thats a great advice, I'll take it to heart
That's far easier said than done!
Ask them about dogs. Or cats. One of those two will get them talking
That is how I approach talking to new people as it helps remove that new person awkwardness
"I can't hear you."
"Can you see me?"
"Yes."
"I can't see you
"I used a very advanced technique called....lying."
They were 2 different video calls not the same one having all the issues
@@lapiswolf2780 Technosupport ♥
@@kapp9976 always! 💕
@@kapp9976 y e s
I am autistic and a social worker, so this kind of exposure therapy is very familiar to me, haga
I actually quite like talking to strangers I’ll never meet again. Small talk in settings like work, however, terrifies me. I’m constantly worried about the impression I’m giving off so just resort to short responses and silence.
Yes its definitely hardest at work. And yet that's the very place everyone seems to demand it the most!
I think people who go ahead and make the conversation: "what you doing?" "not much, you?" "not much." are terrible at small talk. You do need SOME hook. You can at least awnser your own question in some detail, like "I was cleaning my room all day". The information is not that interesting to me, but it gives me something to work with.
I'm that person lol... but mostly cause i cba engaging in the convo
This is just about every dating site in existence. Lol. Or it's like, "hi", "hey", "how are you?", "fine n u?, "fine". Lmao. I've found that combing through profiles helps, find a point of interest and talk about that.. "Hey, I read through your profile and noticed that you like anime. What types of anime do you tend to watch?" It's a lot more engaging. As a guy though, you have to know that on a dating site; no matter how good your approach, if she's not interested at all then she'll likely ignore the message and that's fine. Her silence is rejection, move on. (She could be busy, inactive, etc.) Still, move on. No need to put all your eggs in one basket until you get a solid connection.
i hate it when i'm trying to talk to someone, and i give something for them to work with, but htey continue to go on with the super boring and general stuff, like goddamnit, we could've talked about this, but you ignored it
THANK YOU it's like pulling teeth with them so I don't bother replying to them anymore
Or when you ask “How are you?”
and they say “Fine”
and let the conversation die there.
Like, at least say “Fine and you?”
"We do be livin' in a society." It really do be like that though.
Gamers _really_ need to rise up already.
@@a-s-greig to bad school is in the way
that line is funny ash from slapper's only's vid LOL
Cmon Batsy, why so serious hahahahaah
I learned smart talk by just talking to customers at work. For context, it's a fast food restaurant, and I had no experience meeting and talking to strangers (of varying ages outside of school) on my own until I got my first job a couple of years ago. I had to basically teach myself how to talk to people and what they do or don't like in a person. The best thing you can do is get them to talk about something they like by asking about it, and being yourself while doing this. It's not hard for me to get along with people, but it's hard for me to make good friends, so I keep those ones around when I come across them.
I’ve always considered small talk as verbal foreplay before meat of conversations and somehow that made me better at it idk why
Social intercourse! Getting mutually acclimated feels like reading an instruction manual for how to respect someone.
Ugh I HATE small talk that doesn't go anywhere, and that's why I absolutely LOVE friends or whoever who would randomly text me questions or anything actually they just thought about
Me too, like if you just say stuff like "wyd" all the time the friendship isn't going to last long. Just say whatever random thought you had recently, it's interesting lol
Are you planning any trips soon? I'm wondering if I should go to Peru next month. I'm not 100% sure I'm in shape for a long hike and it's such short notice, but I have vacation time...and who knows with COVID if travel will suddenly get harder again. (just a random question that I thought about).
Is the bread you put hotsoga into just one bread, or a pair?
I just hate small talk in general.
Unless its for efficiency i don’t want to talk at all.
@Elena Kawa YES! Exactly! I had a period of my life where the people I happened to cross paths with stopped being interesting conversationalists, and started being the "wyd" kind. This made me incorrectly believe that it was adulthood that was absolutely cursed and hopeless, that it is all down hill and that as people assume 9 to 5s and such they lose their wit, soul, and brain. I actually don't entirely disbelieve it still.
Whenever I make someone LAUGH I think of that tweet that’s like “I’m going to get a good grade in small talk, something that is both healthy to want and possible to achieve”
Bruh I have the same thing and Idk if it's healthy 😅
You read the thing! :)
off topic, but i like your profile picture :D
LISTENNN 😂😂
@@TheNinjapancake14 always do!
I don’t like small talk(especially at family gatherings) because it doesn’t even feel like the person is talking to me, it’s just a bunch of inane questions that go nowhere bc the person I’m talking to doesn’t even care about my answer. They’re just there for the illusion of a conversation. Nothing is gained.
Small talk is like foreplay - you don't just dive right in with people you just met. Its worth practicing just so you're not so awkward about it
Right, I could understand small talk when meeting people for the first time but small talk with strangers who you will never see again makes no sense. Small talk can be an ice breaker but a lot of times or maybe most of the times, the small talks stay small, never diving into the more intellectual and brain stimulating conversations. You never get to know the deeper things about the other person. "How was your weekend?" "It was good," how was your weekend?" "My weekend was okay." The same old, boring, generic talk. Another dumb question is "what plans do you have for the weekend?" If not, they say something about the whether or they might say "52 weeks in a year and now we have 51 weeks." That's what happened to me months ago in the elevator. All I said was "yeah. " He could've just said "good morning." That would've been sufficient.
A cashier said to me "you never make small talk like the other customers."
The way I see it, here's a 10, give me my $5 and I'll be on my way. Making small talk for what? The only relationship I have with the cashier is a business transaction. We don't need to do the small talk.
Ew. Don't foreplay with random people, especially when you haven't gotten consent from them first. Then people see avoiding small talk as an insult, when it's them socially grabbing my ass.
I’m reading a book called shyness and it talks about how small talk is a way of gaining someones trust
@@nyc4life448 Instead of “How was your weekend?”, you can ask them “What did you do on your weekend?”. If they played games, then you can talk about games. If they said watching tv, then you can ask them about their fav drama/movie/anime. If they said travelling, then you can ask them about their experience.
@@jeppyjep I know you mean well but I don't care what people do on their days off. I'm not about to put on with people by pretending I care. That's just me being real.
Most people like to talk about themselves. In fact, if you sit back and listen to other people conversing (and pay attention), you'll often find the conversation jumps back and forth between each participant talking about themselves. Which isn't a bad thing! Very often, it's everyone finding a way to relate the current topic back to their lives, which emphasizes what everyone has in common. Like, "Oh, your hamster died? I'm so sorry! I had a little fluffy rodent when I was a kid, too; his name was Peaches and I was so sad when he died." On the surface, it might seem like that's trying to make everything about you, but what it's really doing is saying, "Oh, I can absolutely relate to you, friend!" Talking about yourself is not a bad thing, and in fact it's necessary in social conversation. It's only an issue when you either (a) talk about yourself so much you don't listen to what other people are saying about themselves, and/or (b) inject yourself into a conversation in a way that isn't actually relevant to the conversation. Which many people do >_>
That, I think, is why asking questions is so important. You can't show you relate to someone if you don't actually know enough about them to find commonalities. And the only way to learn about someone is to ask... or, I guess, to stalk them, but please don't stalk people.
Yeah you often hear about "ah that guys a dick he's constantly one-upping people's stories." But I think thats just what people do trying to keep a conversation going. Thats why empathy, or more accurately signalling empathy by just listening is important. Maybe this contributes to the disconnect between intro/extroverts. I really believe there are only 5% of the assholes out there that people think exist.
Heyyyy, I really like this comment and it's very well-phrased. I'll share it with a few friends :)
This makes me feel a bit better about myself. It's like, I default to talking about myself because I don't have much else to talk about it feels.. Natural consequence of spending the most time with myself, I suppose.
BRUH I FEEL CALLED OUT RN
as an schizoid, it's what i've been doing for the better part of my life, congrats you cracked the code. The only hard part is giving the person enough momentum to start opening. then you don't have to do much, and the nthe conversation is over. bang, now your don't have to deal with people anymore
This whole video is just:
Pft, Stranger Danger? Never heard of it. Omegle for life.
Stranger danger? I hardly know er
Surprisingly, for a while I've used trial-and-error with strangers over which social conventions went the farthest in a conversation. While, small talk is definitely better than pure silence, questioning the reciprocal and trying to find the topics they really engage with makes it easier for the both of us, whether it be a video game, hobby or favorite pastime. As someone with ASD, I've made a lot of friends this way.
I never thought that small talk and getting to know new people was the same thing. I kinda thought that small talk is just a little talking that doesn't go anywhere.
My heart and faith in humanity just sank when the "this is the only SFW footage" banner popped up.
You've clearly never been on omegle lmao
Omegle is billed as place for strangers to chat, but what it *really* is is a place for lonely strangers to creep on other people in the hopes someone as lonely as them will shed any semblance of dignity and engage in sexual roleplay with them, and perhaps even give them a phone number at the end.
....and I say this as someone who's seen it a lot on Omegle, of course, not someone who's been in that position... which is something I can't possibly deny without making it sound even more like I'm that guy, so... goddammit.
69 likes. Nice
@@IceMetalPunk is there any better alternative to omegle?
@@bsbx Not as far as I'm aware. I'd guess that as long as you have anonymous, unmoderated conversations with strangers, you will *always* end up with that kind of behavior.
I think “This could just be very boring compared to soup or illegal olive oil”(11:20) is my new favorite out-of-context quote
same.
I finally found someone on the internet who had the same confusion as me: why do people want to small talk?
OMG, this really made my brain explode. I'm so glad to have the answer. Thank you for the video!
One of the few things I enjoyed from being a part of a co-ed fraternity in college were the pledge interviews. I got to have these get-to-know-you conversations everyday with so many different people. And a surprisingly large number of these interviews still occupy my mind as key memories from university.
I'm an autistic person who managed to survive through more than 3 years of customer service jobs in a call center environment. This entire video is exactly how my relationship with small talk has evolved over time. It can genuinely be useful.
Same. I have ADHD. I started learning this stuff with CZcams and articles when I was 12. But I still feel very anxious about it.
I am 22.
MOOD me w customer service
16, I think I’m starting to get it?
"We do be livin' in a society" Sabrina, The Hip Joker.
Sounds like when parents try to be cool
😐
😐
I actually love small talk and just talking to the people near me and getting to know how they think, what they think about, and what theyre doing. Sadly not a lot of people return the favor and conversations get really one sided.
This was absolutely lovely to listen to! I'm still learning to push past anxiety and just listen to others myself and when you listen, it can really help with awkward convos because you're actually showing some interest in the person and they feel that, which hopefully becomes vice versa and makes things less and less awkward as time goes on. Small talk is hard, but sometimes it's that little push that lets you know the other person is willing or unwilling to engage and if successful, even if a friendship doesn't develop, can at the minimum leave you with a warm feeling from sharing good convos.
I feel like my problem with small talk is when I'm in a room with a lot of people. I love talking to a few people and having them tell me about their lives, but when there's a big number of people I feel isolated.
Have you ever entered a meeting or a class late and everyone seems to be on the same page except for you? That's kinda how I feel, even if I was the first one there. There's one point where I just disconnect and can't come back unless someone brings me back. I have no idea why that is.
I feel you, crowds intimidate me. I feel like I can only build real connections when I'm by myself with someone a lot. When people are in a crowd or talking to each other i feel like I'm getting in the way and bothering them.
True, I loath gatherings where there are more than 3 people present :( Can't get to know everyone properly and I tend to just clam up and feel like my presence in that discussion isn't important
It's always harder to get the attention of a crowd than an individual
Like you are physically there but your heart feels so distant? That’s the feeling I get
@@randomhuman713 yea same which is why I barely talk to people cus I don’t wanna trouble or bother them.
For those who don't know, M means "I'm male" in Omegonese. The implication is that they're looking for a romantic time. And romantic time does in fact vary from person to person
I was looking for this explanation. Thank you random citizen!
omegonese 💀💀
I'm so confused
@@ziqdam1396 I feel like it should be called omeglenese instead.
@@ziqdam1396 omegonese nuts
Would love a follow up video where you talk to randos in person and find out if the skills hold up or require maintenance or whatever.
As someone on the spectrum, I also find small talk difficult as I end up ranting and thinking people care but the just nod to be polite lol
"Buffering in real life" is probably the most accurate description I've ever heard.
So what you did is you avoided small talk by having meaningful and exiting conversations instead. Seems like a good strategy.
Pro-tip from a former Calculus student: If you're ever in a situation where you need to take the anti-derivative, don't forget to add the constant "c."
(exciting conversations)
@@a-s-greig conversation has exited the building lol
@@KoylTrane _All according to keikaku._ 😏
@@a-s-greig What a nerdy comment thread 🤣🤣
I’m so glad to hear the positivity in this. Meeting new people and getting to know people is FUN! As an extrovert myself, I can say confidently that that doesn’t mean socializing is suddenly effortless, not at all! I still get HELLA nervous when I go up to new people and I seriously consider just leaving sometimes, but like she said in the video, it’s FUN to push past your comfort zone once you get past the initial fear, It’s a freeing and exciting feeling!
I know socializing with new people can be hard, but it’s so worth the temporary discomfort.
thank you for this comment, i'm at the point in my life where i *want* to get out of my comfort zone and get over my social anxiety but don't quite know how and this attitude of "it's gonna be hard but it's also so fun!" is exactly what i needed :D
In fact for me meeting new people and talking to your friends can be more fun than some other more expensive activities
This was a very enjoyable video. I got from it a slightly different message than the main theme - pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone, while risky-seeming, is actually incredibly fun and rewarding. This is something I've been slowly realising for a while now but this definitely confirmed it.
Is it still small talk when you start talking about personal things? I always thought small talk was basically synonymous with talking about generic things as like an extended greeting. Most of the video seems focused on conversing in general.
All three of her small talk 'tips' are also far more relevant for in-depth focused discussions, having very little to do with small talk.
Yeah, doesn’t match what I’ve dealt with either... people giving rote responses to everything and expecting you to know the secret code or something. How many times can a group people say things like, “She’s getting so big!” before one of them realizes that’s what kids do? It must serve some function like showing interest but they just sound so empty-headed and dumb.
Small talk is showing you're paying attention to your surroundings. It's what you do in order to get someone's baseline before you branch into medium talk and deep talk/big talk, which is what Sabrina was doing. Small talk is just the first entryway into the interesting conversation. So in Sabrina's case here, "small" meant shallow questions, like "have you held a brain before". It's shallow because it has a yes or no answer, but it's good as a segway question because if the answer isn't no there's good opportunity for follow up medium or deep questions.
I think small talk is important because it's the baseline. If it's your neighbors coming over for a barbeque, and everyone is getting excited about the baby getting so big but the mom's not as excited at responding to the small talk as she was last time, it's because you have a baseline for small talk with this person that enables you to notice that and branch into asking if she's okay or if she's having any postpartum depression issues, etc.
The trick to small talk is to not small talk. If you ask interesting questions you'll get interesting answers.
@@outsideaglass = gauge if they're from an "enemy tribe" not worth talking to, because small talkers are vain, judgemental and petty.
The only thing that disqualifies my attitude to happily small talk about topics I don't really care about, big or small, is the other person's willful tendency to ignore my social norms and enforce their own. And I know, their excuse is always "well I didn't invent it, I just conform like everybody else also has to".
I have seen how most of the time the "medium" topic is just shifting to a mutual agreement to shit talk some third party behind their back, and I usually ruin the mood at that point by considering their possible persepctive.
the talking to strangers part is actually so wholesome. i personally lack the social anxiety filter, so i just freely dump all my thoughts and thesis research and video game lore on complete strangers. like 90% of the time they look baffled for a while, and then come out of their shell to be enthusiastic about the things they care about. and most of them i never see again. but damn, you make some good lasting friends. thanks, neurodivergent infodump brain.
whats ur thesis on?
I felt like you. I got better by purposely calling customer support whenever I had a problem. You're talking to real people (make sure to treat them as such & understand they aren't the company) but with a reason and simply add in some extra small talk if it feels correct. You get better at it, you improve their day significantly based on my experience and your problems get solved / you get free stuff as apologies. Wins across the board.
Yes, I become more talkative to strangers online than to my real life friends. The pandemic taught me to be more talkative and I realized I changed to be a fan of small talk. As I talk to more strangers online, I became more used to small talk and talking with strangers is really exciting. I can now imagine that if I were to meet my irl friends again, they would be shocked because now I talk.
So, this is basically me as a preteen autistic person going: Ok, I need to understand how people comunicate and do small talk because otherwise everyone looks at me strange. Without a spreadsheet tho, I was 11 and without a PC (and smartphones weren't a thing yet)... but yeah, this is the kind of "research" I did on everyone around me
@@Someone-ig7we yeah, I'm more or less adjusted, and I've got a good support network... thanks tho!
figuring out how to mask after researching on random strangers xd
@@CrescentMond Haha, same thing ^^ Problem is, unlike Sabrina, I feel incredibly exhausted afterwards. Since the conversation isn't flowing towards a specific goal or topic, I have to keep my brain "on" all the time and consciously think about most aspects of it... so it ends up being a real drain. Part of why I avoid parties like the damn plague :'D
@@Thalanna I think you put into words what I have felt for a while
Same here! (I've retyped this message several times by this point to make it sound like friendly human words)
Turns out watching the other kids run around at recess like I'm a researcher didn't help my social skills, but I'm doing better lately, or at least I'm taking risks I couldn't tolerate before
The reason why i avoid small talks with randos is cuz i regret everything i say because putting me on the spot just makes my brain blank and i regret everything that comes out from my mouth immediately lol and then they all answer with "oh" (YOU KNOW THE TONE!!!) I love it when people talk to me but i hate it when people want me to talk to them. Ew. That's why i love my friends. They talk to me. i dont have to talk to them. But when i wanted to talk to them, they will always be there to support me haha.
I understand it can be hard to wrap your head around, especially as it happens, but try to keep in mind that you're unlikely to see the person that you felt awkward around again. There are billions of people out there, you know. As long as you aren't failing to chat up coworkers or cashiers at stores you go to a lot, you're good.
Oh gosh, the tone. Just the thought triggers my flight instinct.
YES DUDE THE TONE- thank you for putting this into words- I've always had this issue but my brain just falls flat and what you wrote just sounds like Martin King Jr.'s "I Have a Dream" to me- THANK YOU
The lesser they know, the better.
@@PostNukeProductions You're unlikely to see the person that you felt awkward around again. Unless you said something that made them sue you.
One of the best bits of advice I ever received was from a friend who said he got over his nerves about speaking to new people was to just pretend like they were already friends! Genius! It worked for me so well I just had to share xx
This is only the second video of yours that I’ve watched, and I already feel proud of you. Congrats on beginning to conquer your fear of small talk! 😊
When Sabrina said: "have you touched a brain?" I said "well yeah, obviously, duh!"
And then i remember that med school is weird and not everyone gets to hold a human brain
I did sheep brain dissection in highschool bio, no frogs
Not that weird :)
I mean I have eaten sheep brain so I guess that counts?
In college anatomy I held and dissected sheep brain, and poked a cadaver lady's brain in her head... Squishy, but a tad tough probably given the preservation and such.
Isn't everyone, technically, always touching a brain?
Those animations tho, the whole video is so professional like damn
I was gonna upvote this but I'm a child so take this as a thumbs up.
I love small talk 🥺 I get so much joy from connecting with someone and learning about them
Absolutely love the way this channel is animated and edited! ❤️
0:30 I'd probably react the same way if I saw myself talking to myself, all selves wearing the same clothes and holding a red cup
Is that not normal?
Yeah, red cups freak em out
Key phrase that was not said: “Small talk is the path to meaningful conversation.” Meaningful conversation allows expression of self. We love to talk about ourselves, to learn about others or both.
if we only would..
@@vivvy_0 indeed; but when you do get to know most people, its usually starts off with learning obvious things and then appreciating the more subtle things and finding out why they chose to be 'X'
Too bad small talk doesn't lead to meaningful conversation a lot of the time. Depends on the person it's with I suppose
ugh I have zero interest in talking about myself or others. RIP
¨We love to talk about ourselves¨ yeah sure m8
I know I'm late but man the visuals are soooooo good in this video. The amount of time you must have put on it must have been insane. Love your videos.
Ngl started watching you today, and you're videos are really well done, lots of questions that sound simple but you put more Ethan the minimum amount of work in and I appreciate that, you do your research and you take pride in what you do. I'm subbing
“This could be very boring compared to soup or illegal olive oil”
Man the lack of context just makes this so much better
I was gonna give you context, but I agree, leaving that out of context just sounds amazing
its like plugging your channel but instead of annoying you it makes you go wtf
in a good way
The thing I figured I hate is how hard it is to ask questions but not to interrogate, to talk about yourself but not to be narcissistic, and to simply reply with open ended answers myself. I think I had one more in mind when I started writing but forgot it
I can't express how much i love and relate to your comment, thank you
Your videos just feel so warm and cozy❤. I dont know but the way you speak and your voice just have a calming vibe.
I feel like people feel the need to break up silence with small talk, when in certain circumstances, I'm more than happy to be in silence - or worse, I'm actually doing something productive (like reading or listening to music or whatever), and people still do it. Like, it was never awkward until they tried to do something unnecessary.
You don’t “need” to talk to people with “small talk” you only “need” to talk to people unless
It’s important but you “want” to talk to people for small talk
my def. is here
I say the same thing
My comment of the vid:
"your not terrible at small talk
small talk are terrible and exist because people want to fill the hole in speach between two people interacting witch each other or together"
Hehe, I feel you here. This is why I hate the staff room in work. Please send me on my break when no one else is on my break, or give me enough time on a break to get out the building and go hide somewhere nearby myself in peace and quiet lol.
Have to spend all day and all shift talking to people and making small talk (which I'm surprisingly good at despite me generally hating it lol), so I just like to get away from it all on my break.
Move to the nordic countries. Here you can sit in silence, and if you start small talk with a stranger most will think you're insane.
Thank you for this comment. That's exactly what I was going to say
i think the most important tip was the empathy while listening. My experience with small talk was when I downloaded tinder 2 years ago and wanted to know people before we can hang out,but most of them just didnt care for the conversation or listen. Then I met someone and started my small talk list of questions (like what do you like to do)but this time the person actually responded me and asked me, and even though it was small talk it evolved and we got to know each other, and now we are dating for almost 2 yeas. All I can say is that we always have a good time when we listen and are heard by people.
I'm trying to get better at this because I'm learning foreign languages and I need to talk to new people everyday, so thank you!
Thanks for the awesome vid! Really cool to see you push yourself through the anxiety and feelings of retreat in the name of learning and science.
It definitely resonated with me as I hated small talk as a kid because I didn’t understand how to engage in it or what the purpose of it was, but as I’ve gone through school and the workforce I developed small talk skills to avoid the social consequences of choosing not to engage in it, but because it’s inauthentic and people aren’t stupid and can tell, I end up just attracting the type of people that will talk themselves into a coma and I get into an anxious fit trying to figure out how to end the convo. My end goal is to be authentic to myself at all times but the backlash you get from people for not entertaining their whims makes it so much easier to fall back on those habits and just give them what they want to avoid the unnecessary conflict. 😭 sometimes I feel my perspective is selfish for not wanting to engage in it but I think it’s almost more selfish to engage in it when I know I don’t want to and be inauthentic to what I’m feeling. Perhaps I just need to find my “flavor” of small talk that I can manage and still feel some level of authenticity in my actions.
I think one of the things I miss most about the before-times was little conversations with people who just happened to be in the same situation as you. Like we'd really be waiting in line for pasta and there would be a bunch of pickled vegetables on display and you could be like "Yo, look at all these pickled vegetables." and all of a sudden you're best friends 😭
The before-times😭
Yes, i see this happens to my mom a lot. She'll be waiting in line and someone will just talk to her randomly, I mainly watch these things happen but I like when they happen. It's cool.
Now BC means before Corona, not before Christ
I'm the kind of person that likes to talk about a broad of range of things like news, tech, general gossiping, jokes and more. But many ppl around me don't seem to care so it makes it hard for me to converse with others without getting bored.
Same I can talk about a range of things - anime, technology, history, philosophy, medical science, politics(not my fav), automobiles, music, books, social media but a lot of people don't really care about a lot of these
Trust me, I know how this feel…
Exactly
That’s why if we don’t have any hobbies or have anything new that we are willing to do with each other it’s hard to be friends and do business
Nobody ever gives a topic. And if I throw something out to the conversation, they either brush it off or excuse themselves for being dumb.
I think my biggest issue with small talk is that people in fact don't want to talk. These people you spoke to, they were prepared. They connected with you with the intention to talk, knowing what this id about. When I meet a stranger, be it an unknown colleague, a fellow mom with kids in the park, a fellow passenger on a train, they are either extremely pushy, or they're really not interested in talking with me. Even as a person who works at a corporate and sometimes meets with customers, I can see a lot of them just want to get this over with. These are the situations that are difficult, those that nearly everyone hates. I am an introvert and I also prefer to not talk. I've been taught that I should engage in small talk to keep my customers happy, but from my experience, that's not necessarily true. A lot of them like to be silent. Somehow I am now quite used to being silent around my customers (e.g. when we're waiting for someone else) and everyone is happy. Silence is not a bad thing.
exactly my comments on this video!
I found your channel with the Datin app one you did, and you’re the 2nd female CZcamsr that I want to watch. I find you relatable, funny, smart, and adorably cute inside and out. Binge watching now. Thank you for being you and sharing your vids.
I absolutely hate participating in small talk. I feel so awkward doing it but I understand that it communicates something important. When a coworker says “how was your weekend?” depending on their tone and body language I can understand their communication as “I don’t have anything interesting to say right now but I want to engage with you in some way and language is the most appropriate way to do that so I’m going to say these words we both know are meaningless and you’ll say some words too and we’ll pretend we’ve had a conversation and it will feel like we actually did.” And that’s fine actually.
My preferred small talk greeting is “good to see you” it’s not a question like “how are you” so it can’t lead to actual conversation, however it does ring truer to me. Most of the time I actually am happy to see the person.
You made me laugh 😂😂😂
Sabrina’s the type of person that makes me excited for adulthood
I’m 21. I think adulthood freaking ROCKS!
Take it from me, growing up can be fun. It’s just a different kind of fun.
I'm also considered an adult and don't! Or rather, there's good stuff and bad stuff, but definitely focus on enjoying your time not being one. You got 18-21 years dedicated to not being an adult, and the rest of your life dedicated to being one. It makes sense to live the few years you have left to the fullest, doesn't it? I'd definitely go back to being 15 sometimes...
@@alvin_row 15 was the worst year of my life....
Your videos seem so natural and human... they are always a pleasure to watch even when the topic isn't mine🥲.
Great video, I’m considered an IFNJ personality type and it’s hard to drum up small talk but I’ve worked in the service industry for awhile and you almost don’t have a choice but to be personable and bring out your social interaction side which is one way to tackle the issue.
I got excited when I thought you were going to say “Why small talk exists and how to avoid it”
Yeah me too. Want a solution :D
"So I went to Omegle"
Ah, so you fell for one of the classic blunders. Never visit open Internet video forums.
It was text not video
I appreciate that the slight awkwardness in each conversation is palpable. That’s a whole mood
I think something to point out is setting. You talked to strangers and both of you were in your homes, a comfort zone (hopefully). For me the setting of meeting new people and the role I am in when I meet them really matters a lot. If I meet someone when I am teaching a class (I can't be friends with them) even if I want to. If I meet someone at a party, probably not going to go well because I hate parties, if I meet someone at a cafe because we are both doing or talking about something cool then that is an ideal location. Or meeting someone doing an activity we both want to do (like art or dancing) that is also a better chance. Vanessa Van Edwards talks about our survival v.s thriving locations and amount of people. Some people do better at one on one conversations, others do better in group conversing. All of these factors are important to know for small talk and making friends.
I’m 35 and up until the last three years I felt like a robot learning how to be human. I literally had to be like “Oh when they ask me that, this is what’s going on so I should do this.” Like when someone asks me what my favorite thing is I now realize they just want to know what I like. Not literally if it’s my favorite.
I can’t remember if it was mentioned in this video but it helps me to remember that the answer is just as important as the question. I like add in some details that I think are interesting to/about me that weren’t necessarily part of the question. It helps the other person learn about you more than if you have a one word answer. Like the woman who started talking about the fire even though that wasn’t part of the question. I had to know more and it instantly lead her to the next question without even thinking about it.
This is a subtle art tho, if you just ask questions it feels like an interrogation and if you just share details of your life it feels like a power point presentation about you, you should try and anchor the conversation on things the other person said so it doesnt feel like a monolog and focus on your emotions not just the factual aspects of your life. Took me 3 years of conversation to figure out this stuff tho! Crazy to think that non autistic people just do this naturally.
Indeed, dropping little seeds of information the other person can ask about
I really struggle with this, I'll finish a conversation and realised I just answered somebodies questions and went off about myself, and then try and over-correct that by responding to each thing they ask me with the same question unto them. But it ends up being a robotic back and forth. Then again that's not an issue with some of my mates at all, just seems to flow naturally enough. Though sometimes I'll catch a friend asking me how I am, then after I finish they'll just tell me how they're doing, and it's either they just wanted to talk about their week, or they're stepping in to fill the gap where I should've asked how they're doing.
I'd like to think it's getting better but last year might have messed that up a bit.
THEY WH A T?? HOW DID I NOT GET THAT-
Then why not just ask what i like??? Omg why is talking so difficult. I swear i just cba
0:29
If I was at a party and two clones of myself were talking to each other and not adressing the clone thing I'd feel weird too. Don't feel alone Sabrina.
Wow, it sure sounded like that initial discomfort of small talk was well worth the vibrant humanity shown in these mutual friendships! Marvelous video!
This was really fun to watch, and relatable. Thanks
If you really hate it, move to Sweden 😂 they just DON’T do small talk, ever. Plus you won’t even need to learn Swedish because you won’t be talking to anyone 🙃
Plus all Swedes know English pretty well
This yet another reason i want to move to sweden
If you want to live in cities, small talk is rare but if you happen to see someone you know, they might do small talking or greet you and just sit in silence next to you. The only real place to avoid the issue(?) is to move to rural places, like Lappland or Dalarna
Not completely true. Our “small talk” is just a tad different.
*looks up immigration for Sweden
"I like the idea of things existing other than not existing" hit me deep for some reason.
My best friend is amazing at small talk with randoms, when we go out together she drags me through conversations which force me out of my usual sitting on the side-lines.
PS: love this video - the section with you speaking to new people is heartwarming...
I love your videos, they're so well produced and informative!