When Will They Stop The Affair?
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- čas přidán 26. 07. 2016
- Samuel shares an important phrase in recovery which discusses when someone typically will end an affair.
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Samuel is an infidelity survivor and is one of many contributors to Affair Recovery's Survivors’ Blog, www.affairrecovery.com/our-blog. He participated in Affair Recovery's courses developed by founder and infidelity expert Rick Reynolds, LCSW. After finding healing, hope, and new life, Samuel wishes to share his journey and what AffairRecovery.com has to offer with others so they too can find hope and healing.
I told my 2nd time cheater......"if I walk out that door I will never come back."
AND I never did. Done with the lying.
When will it stop, A question that I've asked myself for 14 years. She had convinced me that I was crazy. Then, her other died a couple months ago. And now my world is upside down. Even her friends were aware of her affair. They all say it was emotional in nature. I say that's the worst kind. Funny how shallow they all are. To think it's safe to disclose it now. She still insists it was nothing and I need to move on. She's correct, I am moving on with my life. Without her.
i'm sorry my friend. that's painful for sure. i don't blame you at all. i hope you can find healing and restoration for you.
I'm under my husbands name but my name is jamie and I'm just wondering why the cheating significant other tries to convince you that you are crazy when you've seen more than enough to know that they have been with another
@@trtj4805 it's called gaslighting. here's an article on it: www.thehotline.org/what-is-gaslighting/ that article refers to domestic violence, but it relates to what you're facing in terms of creating an illusion that you would question your reality and that in turn can cause him to 'get away with it' or feel as though you don't have to talk about it. it's a tactic to lessen the consequences upon himself. it's abusive for sure my friend. i would read up on that and study it a bit as it relates to infidelity and what he's attempting to do to you.
@@trtj4805 that's such a good question
Good luck brother! Hope you're doing well! Give an update?
Honestly an affair is a cheat in life and if you cheat in life, don't think life will not cheat on you too. If you plant the seeds of cheating, don't ever think the fruit will be apple.
My husband couldn’t stop. I believe he wanted to get caught because he couldn’t stop himself.
What kind of human being are they, that their spouse is in such pain and they can’t stop because they don’t see it?
I found out 20 months later he didn’t end his affair even he did Hope for Healing and he kept saying “why do I want to jeopardize what we are going through?” every time I suspect his behaviors.
I was shocked to hear those reasons why they don’t see our pain. But now it makes sense! But if my husband is that kind of person, I don’t feel safe in my marriage. Those people will do it again because they don’t understand what they are doing and they forget the pain they caused to their love ones and to themselves. I don’t believe anything he says, anything he does for me anymore. I just can’t.
I don’t have any hope in us, respect, and love for him anymore. Or he must love his affair partner that much, then I don’t need his sympathy or obligation to stay with me.
I understand what you said about telling our spouse about divorce or separation but not pursuing doesn’t help either. But again, what kind of human can feel okay and keep cheating when their spouse even consider divorce or separation?
I’m done. I’m ready, Samuel.
Well put ,I found out my fiance was Cyber cheating for the full four and a half years together with over 20 other guys she told me that only after going through this is what made her realize that she loved me. It's been 4 months since her last cheating episode and she wants me to believe she still loves me and wants us to work but never put any effort into seeing the damage that she has done and how there's no way you can trust someone after they've lied to you for four and a half years straight to your face it hurts when you find out the truth
It makes you feel so used and like you don’t know the person who you thought was your best friend. I feel like i imagined our whole marriage and even before the marriage when we were falling in love and becoming a family
Well said I agree with you
Great message. Thank you!
very welcome.....thank you for watching and posting.
I don't care when she will stop the affair. I won't waste my time, trying to have them stop. I sent my ex-packing once I found out she was cheating on me with a co-worker.
They stopped right after I printed all their private emails, had them copied ay Kinkos and handed his wife a copy.
Sorry this happened to you but, I know thats right lol. Same situation sent her and her husband all their texts and raunchy videos. Kicker is they are in an open marriage. She had the nerve to get embarrased by what she sent and is currently Pregnant!!! And her husband had the nerve to damn near have a heart attack or panick attack. I don't understand at all.
Yes, when the pain is worse than the payoff.
Love your talks. Really puts things into perspective. Has helped me immensely in this difficult time.
This is so practical. Had to draw the line the other day. I was empowering the affair. It's so painful not connecting in the meantime. Trusting God.
so glad. proud of you. i know it's not easy.
Thank you. I appreciate your speed and tone giving this advice
happy to help my friend. so glad you're here.
One of the best videos about this topic
This is exactly what I needed to hear! I’m taking back my life and my power, and I’m living my life on my own terms whether he gets the help he needs or not. 10 years in and he still hasn’t, so I doubt he will now. This weekend I moved out of our bedroom, and I already feel liberated. I will enjoy life by picking up new hobbies, and hanging out with my teenage son. Thank you and God bless you!
so glad I could help.
How did you handle these 10 long years! I feel for you! It’s been so hard on you, each day every moment! Sigh!!
Thank you brother...you have a profound idea..my spouse regret what she did..now i leave her cold alone in this world..
What i needed to hear
As silly as it sounds, if it was just sex.. a one nite stand.. I would feel ok with trying to fix things. But I’m realizing he cares for this woman. They’ve gone on dates.. exchange gifts.. he has his own life with her! I can never get over that! And she knows me! I’ve spoken to her! I’ve physically seen them together and she could careless! Now that I’m looking for apartments and not caring if my house forecloses simply because I just want to escape this pain, now he wants to do therapy! After 2 years of almost begging him to do so, having my therapist call him to speak. Now suddenly! But it’s too late! I feel as if I hate him some days and I don’t know when or how I can forgive him or myself for that mess!
it's completely normal. i'm very sorry for the pain you're in my friend. it's understandable you'd feel that way for sure. everyone has their own choices to make. we want what we can't have and that's at this time, why he may want to do work as he's finally afraid of losing you. if you do change your mind you'll wan to be very careful on how you proceed as he may just be ambivalent all over again. it's a tightrope and i get it. you'll want support no matter what choice you make sweet friend. i'm sorry again for the pain you're in.
Stay strong. Put yourself first. You deserve to be the first and only choice. Don’t be the 2nd choice
Hey your not alone I’m going thru the same thing but with two kids I don’t know you but just know this I got love for you ❤️
You did the right thing!!! I hope you are so well and flourishing today! When you began looking for apartments his security and comfort and stability was shaken...AND THAT was the only contest that could challenge the affair.....His need for stability was what made him question carrying on the affair....not the pain he was causing.
This is such a great message. You would think when the tears anger and pain would cause them to stop. So they only see you as mad because of what you catch them doing and not upset that is going on and want them to stop. Wow not healthy🤭🤭😩😩. An intervention
My wife stopped after disclosure & showed sincerity, empathy, and sadness to me. I was so hopeful but super hurt in every way. About 4 days after I found out she stopped showing empathy towards me, and wasn’t even bothered about how crushed I was. On day 7 she started sobbing and crying and I hate to say it but I was kinda relieved to see that. Now I start consoling her and she kept saying I don’t wanna keep hurting you. I said ok thanks baby so just don’t. It finally came out the reason she was sobbing and crying is because she was missing the guy this happened with. OMG I turned into a rage machine. How in the hell could she even admit that knowing how much it would hurt me. I was flooding and she grabbed a few things and went straight to him. Now 3 weeks later she won’t even discuss her feelings and won’t tell me her intentions. A part of me feels that she still deeply loves me but can’t see past the excitement she was experiencing with him. The other part of me says Greg she has spoken loudly with her actions. Count your losses & move on. I love her more than life itself but I can’t I heard do this to me anymore so I told her she has to make a choice me or him and she won’t. Should I put a time frame on it? My God this is horrible
Hi. I pray for you marriage! My husband is a chronic Cheater! This is the 3rd time and he still lying That he broke it off! He hasn’t! I know bc I caught them! Now I am working on me to kick him out.
That sounds an agonizing experience. My gosh My gosh. I don't know what to say. My experience is my senior at workplace hit on me. But there are two older female colleagues showing jealous. After I am not responding, he quickly pursued another woman at work who is prettier and dresses better than me. I felt sort of being hurt too. How quick he could fell for another girl and now he decides to leave this company ( highly likely) to better develop that relationship with that girl. Meanwhile he is married with kids. What is really going on?!
My reasoning is there is at least one female colleague who he has slept with before and now he is finding a young and pretty girl he would like to have a serious affair with.
Limerence sucks. It makes the cheating spouse do stupid childish things. They don't even realize what they are losing.
@@PJHEATERMAN absolutely. I wasn't married but I was engaged to the love of my life. 11 year relationship ended a couple months ago and what makes it worse, it was with a mutual friend we knew online. The thing is, this guy is the most emotional guy I have ever seen in my life. 33 years old, lives with his parents, no job, no money, lives in Canada. We never even met him in person. She can't see any of his flaws anymore because she is in limerence and isn't even herself anymore. It's heartbreaking and I want to help her but I can't. I am currently one month into no contact working on myself. I am just worried their relationship will last a long time due to him being broke and not having the means to travel and meet her in person. I know that will be the day the limerence will fade because there is nothing about this guy that is attractive but she has to see it in person. She is just living in fantasy land right now with this deadbeat
I am in the exact exact situation right now, I asked for my husband’s decision but instead he said “I know you are the right choice for me but now it’s not the time for us, but I know deep in my heart it’s still gonna be you and me in the end but for now let me do it my way and if I lose both of you then i have to deal with my own fears” the unfathomable pain is killing my very soul, he wont let go of me but he is choosing hus affair partner 💔💔💔 when is he gonna wake up even if he sees all the red flags from that woman he told me he is having a hard time detaching from her, I even became his confidant and ally for discovering the lies of that woman and yet he couldn’t resist her spell, it’s hard to fight when Im far from him and yet that woman is always available for him and he admitted it I couldn’t compete on the physical intimacy… shall i give up? Shall i wait? O God please …
We are 1 month since dday and my wife is still struggling to leave the emotional affair but I have no proof. All her actions tell me it's still going on. She has not sobered up.
I'm working on myself now. We will being going to our 2nd marriage counseling session in two days and I'm giving her my ultimatum that I gave myself. If she doesnt genuinely seek help and stop what she's doing I'm leaving her in a year after counseling.
What's the update Tyler?
It’s very scary to think of that a spouse would cheat, let along a long standing affair. Seems we’d need to stay investigating at all times.
Ewe.
No point in saying this to my unfaithful husband as he won't go, watch or seek help at all. Each time I ask he says I'm pushing him away!
He should stop it today if he hasn't already. It's ok to stop right now.
I disagree too I speak for my self , not all do live learn from it and work on doing better... , god bless
How do I know if my husband has stopped the affair?
Maybe, just maybe a disclosure with polygraph. Your gut may be telling tou to doubt and likely is correct.
@JessicaSlocum1 That’s a non-answer lol
This one was real!!!!!
But they always go back after the pain goes down and you forgive them
I'm sorry if that's the case or you Lady. however, that's not the case for everyone . relapse is common, but getting the right help and doing recovery work can minimize it significantly.
Lady Nerfertitti - Yes, mine went back after two months of no contact during which time we worked on our relationship. I made him move out immediately once he crossed that boundary. He continued to see her for three months after that so I filed. She was 21 yrs younger.
We live in a small time and my husband told me that he goes out and around town and he Hope's he runs into her. She drives by her work hoping to see her. He says he loves me and wants to work it out. It's just about 3 months since d day. I am wondering what the future holds..we hang out this the same friends with this pandema we are all house bound so we dont see anyone.
@@magnoliatreetarot3369 exactly what my husband has done. Why put the effort of work into repairing the marriage if your not 100% in. It's like going through the Dday all over again.
Hi Samuel, can you do a video about the unfaithfuls wanting to still be friends with the AP.
Debbie Jackson I agree
Seriously my wife wants that but she currently doesn't want to end the affair at the moment.
Black Dragon same for me. She’s involved with another, but says she doesn’t want me out of her life. We’ve know each other for 23 years and have been married for 19. This is so insane.
My husband can never know. 49 years. 16-year-old virgins. Never cheated until after our 45th anniversary. I hate myself so much but he can’t know and I must suffer alone. It’s such a lonely place I hate waking up, so it’s suffering and it’s all my fault. This could never happen to me. I don’t know how I could be so vile. I got lost in the attention but the pain is worse than the pleasure.
Mine claims that they are in love the Affair partner and claim they want an open marriage so that they can have me and the affair partner. For 3 months this has been going on and she has lied on every occasion we sought out counseling but she lied to the counselor and myself. I have since moved out she still continues to lie to others about the affair she's claimed she's broken It Off but I have evidence that she is not and she continues to want me to be part of the family life.
What to do if there are multiple affairs?
Wondering this too. I told him I’d leave if he did it again. Just found out after he got me pregnant again. So now we have 8 children.. 3 Littles and a baby… walking out isn’t that easy.
Let me know if I am wrong. Wife having an emotional affair. I realized that the reason for it was due to my nonemotion. I told her last night that I am getting help from a therapist to address those issues. I know what some of them are but I don't know how to make a change. I am doing this so whether or not we get back as husband and wife or divorce, either way I will be a better person on the other side of this.
Last night I told her that after I go through some therapy and start understanding myself better, if I don't see a change in her I will serve her with separation papers. I will need her to get a job and start paying for her cell phone and utilities as I was not going to pay for the affair to keep happening. After the 6 months of separation if she is still talking to the person I will serve her divorce papers no matter what. This will be about 7 to 8 months from now. (I dont know how much I can change in just a few months or how much she can/wants to change).
I need this for me. I told this to her last night so she would understand what im doing and the reasons behind it. I did this so I can have something to think about for the future instead of all the bad "what ifs"
My husband is the one having the affair and says he's going to file for divorce but still hasn't. It's been almost one year. He already lives with her but my daughters say he's no longer happy. I want him back at times and I don't believe in divorce. I believe you make things work. I do think this is a midlife crisis but he denies that. I just feel stuck and hurt
praying for you. very sorry for your pain. if you don't come from faith, my apologies as I don't want to offend you.
@@samshealingpodcast thank you so much. That is the one great thing to come out of this. Im discovering a wonderful relation ship with God.
What does one do when the unfaithful spouse startes blaming the partner about their mistakes?
here's an article on that, and next week a new video will be coming out on blame: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/affair-dehumanization-and-blame
I am at the same situation
@@myhappyplaysofficial me to my hurt and pain is so bad
It's a natural defense, because there's nothing more to think of doing the course of the communication. I know because l am the cheated spouse.
My husband is so addicted to his mistress .... ,
My relationship is 8 years and he constantly cheats and lie. As of right now there is a baby involved. We are waiting on the DNA results to come in the mail. I told him if the child is his we are done. If the child is not his it maybe a possibility we mite work something out but I'm to hurt and can't trust him nomore.
Samuel, I would like to know your opinion since you were before on that "side"...
My ex says he started to realize what he did, that misses me and thinks of me everyday... I said it was his choice to cheat me and I broke up with him because he knew loyalty is very important for me and I had to respect myself and walk away.
Things were not being good for several things, mainly because of his life circumstances in the last years and he is in depression. I discovered everything on my own... he cheated, lied to me and hidden everything for 5 days until I found out. When we broke up I asked if he would end everything with her (they met just 3,5 months ago and after that I think they had sex only that weekend and before were only normal encounters after work) he said "I dont want to hurt anyone no more" And I was like...wtf? It's recent why don't you cut everthing since you say you are in destructive mode and are not able to be in a relationship?
If he regrets what he did, if he says he misses me, loves me, etc , so why is he keeping contact everyday with the girl he cheated on me?.....
The only reasons he gave me for the cheating were "I want to feel myself like before, I'm not logical at this moment, It was not premeditated....." I think it was premeditated... he said he was going to spend the weekend with friends, the previous night he was going supposedly to be with them.... he was with her obviously... he had the entire weekend to think about what he was doing...
For me, being depressed is not an excuse.... he had the choice to cheat, to lie, to hide and hurt me. The worst thing is, he knew that her and I knew each other, but she didn't knew he was my boyfriend. For me it was like he was taking advantage of that...
without knowing him it's tough. sometimes we want the best of both worlds. our spouse and our affair partner. we're incredibly selfish and self absorbed. sometimes we don't know how to let go. sometimes we are stuck and don't want to lose either people and we want to simply live out our dreams. I would highly recommend boundaries for yourself and your recovery. if he can't respect those boundaries, then he is not safe and you're really in a vulnerable spot. it sounds like you have stayed true to your boundaries. if he wants anything to do with you, I would demand expert help, the ems weekend and time to see how it all goes over the next six months. trusting his will power won't work at all my friend.
I'm in that situation right now my husband is a serial cheater I'm devastated he tells me get over it cause it all meant nothing he just wanted a ego boost
What if the unfaithful stopped the affair and then the betrayed found out later. What made them stop? Especially if they can only say "I felt guilty"
we just don't know, but it's essential you still get help, even though they stopped on their own. they may be over and done with the affair, but you're still feeling the effects of it.
Yes, and he is still vulnerable to doing it again unless he gets help. People always think raw willpower will be enough to make change.
What if my husband ask for space to figure stuff out?
it's really up to you. he may be wanting space to reattach to the affair and affair partner...he may be genuine. space without help and recovery work from an expert source can be a total disaster though.
I’m married we have a daughter and I’m a faithful man.. my wife out of no where starts affair ..says we argued too much ... now I’m battling the mental pain and anguish and trying to save our marriage.
I don’t know how else to save our marriage by talking to her and letting her know how important she means to me and how should save our marriage and family - it’s th worst feeling there is .. never thought it would happen to me
Its not your fault. Don't ever feel that way, she should take responsibilities of her betrayal.
Sorry man. Not to ponder upon
It honestly sucks what you are or went thru but like true previous comments it’s not your fault she CHOSE to do that trust me I’m in the same boat now except we have two wonderful boys who are the only reason that keeps me going pray not only for you but for her. And also marriage helper has some great advice. Good luck
Any updates on the affair?
If its ok with coming from experience myself which had emotional affair and then sexual for 6 months with my affair partner I knew the guy he was guy friend. Then I was cheated on by him as revenage ugg.
You mention 2 choices please leave this person the (affair partner) or we will separate or divorce. This hurting me to much to continually being toyed around like this! Mean it!
They Must cut off ties as much as it may hurt her and him the unfaithful spouse. Mention how much care and if want to work past the cheating and make your marriage work once again.The hurt may still be there or trust factor. Counseling may help for pain and various exercise to help with slowly earning the cheating spouses trust.
If your willing to do some and may have def. doubts or I dont know if I can trust or have your doubts in the back of your mind as least did for me. If have religious support this has helped me and him. Trusting friends or family keeps you or spouse accountable as well.
But one has to wonder why they are like children who have to be punished to do the right thing… it’s weird.
Being a military spouse i was away from my family and friends when i discovered my husband was cheating. Though i had the support of friends and the church there most encouraged me to return home to my family. I wouldve come back if some fruit had been shown but there was none. So here i remain. But i hate my kids being so far away from their Dad even though i feel he cheated on them too. Never home. Denied their existence to his affair partner. Should i consider moving back closer to him
hi there. it's a tough call i know. i'm so sorry for the pain my friend. you certainly don't have to but having the father in their lives (IF he is going to be in their lives) is vital and important for sure. i would draw some clear and enforceable boundaries for your own safety and well being emotionally.
Hi,Am the betrayed partner .But my unfaithful partner said he has stopped the affair with his affair partner ,but he still spend time with her as his business partner. What do I do?
i would draw boundaries and enforce those boundaries. i would communicate to him that that is not ok and that you can't keep living that way.
Sounds like he needs to find a new business partner, too much temptation for him and too much stressing and worrying about what they are doing, for you.
My husband of 25 years is on his 3rd emotional affair in 17 years and it's deja vu...but he's staying with I'm crazy it's in my head and I need to seek help or he's going to leave me. I think he reakizez I'm a stay at home mom that has only sporadic income so he can treat me however and say whatever and I'm too afraid to do anything about it. I'm job hunting now...I've only worked 3 years in my life the rest was being wife and mom!
My wife was cheating & I did not know - Her the kids & I went on a Caribbean Cruise & her lover freaked out, he called her 5 times/day I'm guessing he freaked out over the thought of her & I having sex which means she was betraying him with her husband.
Jeez. How selfish of the AP. Doesn't surprise me.
This is my husband case he is so stuck and it seems as if he is stuck JMC my True Husband is so stuck in other wemon because he listens to his Friends instead of listening to me I Truly Am In Love With Him.
I didnt have an affair.
Just Unfriended him on Facebook. Considering the level of betrayal, I think this is the right choice.
Or maybe blocking him.
what happens to the affair partner....arnt they also shattered...
sometimes they are, sometimes they are not and simply go on living. every situation is different. the affair partner needs a clean break to work on them and their own recovery. an unfaithful spouse cannot be concerned with their affair partner as they must shift to caring for their spouse if they want to save their marriage. without a clean break, it's extremely hard for the marriage to find new life and healing, as well as closure.
Thanks for the video Samuel yes it is hard to move on and find new healing because they are still making contact with AP. But they dont want a separation. However this video has reminded me that I do have power and I have a choice to make for myself and my children. The steps give definitely helped - Thank you
Yes they are often shattered.
Any hope
He divorced me in oct 2016
:(
Cathy Baby there is always hope. Take it to God. What God has joined together let no man tear apart. God hates divorce. Any man that divorces his wife.He cover himself with violence. If you want your husband back you have to Pray to God!!!God is on your side
yes bring it to GOD
gia unique exactly
I don’t think that this is a really good advice. Guys don’t lose the hope and don’t ask for a divorce if you guys really have love for each other. There’s always hope to solve any problem. And I’m sure if you put in the Gods name, he will choose what’s best for you and fix your marriage. The process is slow, Just have faith