Dealing with Grief -- How to Replace what You've Lost
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- čas přidán 28. 08. 2024
- When I got home for the first time after losing my mom, I didn't do anything I expected. Here's what I did instead -- and why.
Also, as we've seen this week, anyone can get COVID -- including those in the White House. Here's how we can protect ourselves, those we love, and the loved ones of people we've never even met.
#grief #ADHD #dog
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Music for "Grief and ADHD -- How to Replace what You've Lost:"
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Thank you for all the kind comments and the comments sharing your own stories of grief
I’ll be looking forward too it, and you deserve the support, you’ve done so much for this community. It’s the least we could do.❤️
Jessica, I heard a thing the other day - some balls are plastic and some are glass. It was in the context of being a "workikg mom" and juggling kids, home, and work but I think us ADHD gals can empathize with that regardless. We juggle more balls in general than most people do. And instead of compartmentalizing all the work balls as plastic and the home balls as glass, we can have both types within both categories. Maybe theres a big meeting at work (glass) and a friend coming over later (plastic). Maybe we need to put up string lights Right Now (glass) but also put up a video (plastic). Its okay to drop some balls. Just do your best to catch the glass ones because at the end of the day we can pick up the plastic balls, dust them off, and try again tomorrow. Give yourself some grace for dropping more plastic balls than usual right now - and try to minimize the glass balls to the ones you're very certain you CAN handle not that you SHOULD be able to handle
My doggy wants to make sure ur ok “in the profile”
Yes, we need them ❤
I was never really a huge fan of vlogging channels, but I've completely fallen in love with your vlogs xx I'm recovering from something awful at the moment and it feels great other people are going through a similar journey as me :) Thanks so much for sharing all of this with us
It is so refreshing to see a “normal” home, with stuff everywhere, rather than an immaculate model home that’s completely unattainable (esp for people like us!)
totally!
Agree!
Yep!
Yepper, me too
Amen!
“The pandemic isn’t over just because you are over it.”- Jessica This needs to be posted in so many places. I’m so proud of you.
It was over before it ever started because it never really was.
@@Princeton_James Sorry, what do you mean?
@@aebbingeable wake up
I feel bad for people who lose loved ones now. No one cares anymore. Humans really can get used to anything 😔
She didn't create that saying, its been on other things before.
You mention 'dropping the ball' a lot in these videos, and I just wanted to mention... a lot of balls bounce. Nora Roberts once talked about this in a Q&A about work/life balance but it is something that I have really needed to hear. Some balls are glass, some plastic, some rubber- and sometimes they change materials. The string lights may have been a plastic ball before, and it became glass for you. It's okay to let the other balls bounce to catch the glass balls, and it's okay to only have the bandwidth for the glass balls.
This might be silly but I just think it might feel better to say 'I am going to let this ball bounce' rather than 'I dropped it.' Take care xx
Oh I love this so much!! Some balls do bounce. Thank you for that ☺️
I’m still dropping the balls on the daily, it’s kinda my normal. Chin up you’ll find your new normal eventually
Loved this! Very helpful. Thanks for sharing! 💖💖💖
What a great little way of thinking about things!! Thank you for sharing 😁
I don't think I can express how much I love this. I'm finding a way to consolidate this into one or two lines, printing it out on some business cards, and then keeping one in my jacket pocket, one in my wallet, one in my bedside table, and others around too.
I find difficulty prioritizing to be one of the big executive dysfunctions I struggle with because I'm so used to falling behind on everything. I feel like, to be on top of anything, I need to be on top of everything - at once. I think the visual of categorizing things as glass, plastic, or rubber balls might really help with this.
I didn't realize how much I needed validation that spending way "too much" time trying to make my college apartments feel like home was because my mom had died. I got judged a lot for having bad priorities and spending too much on my apartment and while that was true, you helped remind me that I was young and I now had to make my own home. It seems like moving out should just be cut and dry but when your parents go, there is a home that disappears too. Making that new home is part of the healing process. It's sort of like it helps to see "you" outside of you to remind you of who you are.
That's really beautifully put. there's so much more I want to say and can't find the words, but thank you so much for sharing this. I feel it so hard.
Humans are animals that for maybe even 100’s of 1000’s of years have tried to express individuality with how they live and what they attach themselves too. It’s probably a carryover from a caveman or early home building adaptation to crave a living space that suits you as an individual. Not just physical safety, but comfort and things that encourage a deeper thought process. Art and literature and mementos and secret doors, anything you can think of.
We didn’t evolve to live in gray spaces devoid of personal touches.
I'm fighting my tears while watching this. Losing my parents is my greatest fear. As an only child, once they go, it's just me. Nobody else remembers my childhood. And I love my parents. It's terrifying. I migrated across the world to live with the man I love 8 years ago and though I don't regret it, it's terrifying being half a world away from my parents (who are now 70) during this pandemic - and my country (Australia) does not allow travel, so if one of them passes, I can't even go to the funeral. I am preparing myself for the worst. Someone once told me "grief is just love with nowhere to go".
Stay strong x
I've been trying to post a reply but it keeps giving me an error. Maybe my message was too long.
Ok so I guess that one went thru lol I'll try posting it as a normal comment, but it'a a reply to your comment. If it doesn't work I'll split it.
Ask for their memories of you, younger, in a series of letters. Please.
Don't worry too much about the awareness month. You've done so much for worldwide ADHD awareness already. You're allowed a break. Take your time to grief. We'll be here when you are.
I agree with @Zwiffer Z. Wholeheartedly.
“Wish you were here.” Good call. Challenging solos, but just focus on the basic chords and riff for now. That’s how I learned. Chords first, then wherever your fingers take you.
thank you for this video! if no one has told you today you are loved and enough ❤
awww 😭I did need that, it's scary putting these vlogs up, and it's hard to feel like enough
@@HowtoADHD 77 people have liked this comment, that's 77 people who agree that you are loved and enough
Please keep posting. I was crying with you. I lost my Dad, and then my step dad a year later, very suddenly. Your balcony isn't just in search of comfort, it's you honoring your mom and keeping a piece of what you did together with you. You are amazing and are helping me in so many ways. I even started to apply for a service dog of my own. I'm here for you.
You’re a wholesome gem of a human, Jessica.
I hope things only improve for you.
I am a 44 year old that is just now getting an ADHD diagnosis. I lost my Mom in 2009 at 33 years old. It wrecked me. Then I lost my brother in 2017. There’s times I look back and wonder how I made it through. Your video brought tears. Thank you for making such relatable content. So very sorry for your loss.
I lost my step dad when i was 16, 23 years ago. He wasn't a nice person. Not to me, and not to my mother (who also isn't a nice person). Nevertheless, emotions are what they are, and they come at you in weird ways. There are things that he loved that I hated, because of him. And as I've grown older, I've come to love some of his passions, for my own reasons, and sometimes I even get positive associations with him.
And when you started playing "Wish You Were Here", I couldn't help but tear up. He was a massive Pink Floyd fan. He pretty much only listened to them, hence the cognitive dissonance in me. It didn't make me miss him. It made me miss what *could have been*. It made me miss *actually* having a father. It made me miss *actually* having a friend, or someone who could help me in life. And okay, I'll admit it, there's even a part of me that misses him, despite everything that he was.
Emotions are weird, and unexpected. And they will be as long as you're a human.
Thank you for this.
Missing *what I needed* & *what could have been* is part of my current grief.
Therapist reminds me, *"That is YOU, telling you what You need. Listen. Journal. Ask. Whatever it takes."*
A shout-out to your partner! He really seems to be doing a great job helping out - I'm sure things are a bit rough on him as well, but it's great having someone like that around.
My fiancee separately lost both of her parents within a year of each other, just over a year ago, and... it's been rough to say the least. I can't pretend it's been easy on our relationship, but I also really can't complain - I'm grateful she's with me and I'm grateful I can be there for her in some way. For me being the ADHD partner in the relationship, I'm sure it's created some extra challenges too, but at the end of the day - it's being there and making things feel like home that counts.
he's been doing great yeah and at the same time it does take a toll as you experienced as well. the next vlog I'm gonna talk a bit more about that. I love hearing that you two got through it!
@@HowtoADHD "Are getting through it" would be more accurate, but it's always a process! And it's not always about work - sometimes, the best thing one can do for a grieving partner is to shut up and help provide that space to grieve.
Hardest parts for me to get over were "what do you mean I can't do anything? there must be something!", and "but I have emotional needs too! I just don't want to be a jerk about them..."
I'm glad to say that I think I've made peace with both of those - but that's my journey of dealing with someone else's grief. She's still very much on that journey of dealing with her own, and I'm really proud of her of what she's accomplished on that journey so far - because it's not just been about mending loss for her, but also about growing as a person so, so much. Out of this, I think I've come out with that much more love and admiration for what an amazing person she really is.
At February, just a month before pandemic, my best friend died in a very tragical way. I was very deep in grief when the staying at home stuff started.
Figuring out two complex things like grief and a pandemic, for a very hiperactive and social girl like myself, was and still is really hard. One day at a time.
Surround yourself with the love people you lost left you. It's what will never go away.
Really comforting video Jessica, thank you.
Wishing you the best Bianca, and much continued healing through what is still a very difficult time.
Praying you’re heart has healed some over the last year ♥️ I also recently lost my best friend of 15 years in a traumatic way. We live on the same street, and she was brutally murdered back in May. Not even 6 months later, my little brother was in a horrible motorcycle accident and on life support, and unfortunately they couldn’t save him in November. The pain some days is unbearable and so lonely. Grief comes and goes in such waves. Some days you think you’re getting better, then bam a wave knocks you over and you feel worse than ever. It’s comforting knowing that I’m not alone ♥️
TW/CW miscarriage.
I'm a loss mom, and I just want to say thank you so much for this video and for sharing your journey with us. Grief has manifested in some ways I never expected. I haven't had control over my emotions ever but after 3 pregnancy losses in a row, the lack of control is no longer manageable. I can't tell you how much your work is appreciated. Sending love
oh gosh, I can only imagine. I've had a miscarriage before, 3 in a row is so much 😥
I am so sorry. I can not even come close to understanding that pain but please know it really does it get better. You’re so strong and can get through this!❤️🙂
Thank you so much for letting us know we're not alone in our grief journey.
I also had 2 miscarriages during my losses. You are still a Momma
I pray you find peace and restoration in Jesus name. Keep living.
These videos are so precious to me. As someone with untreated extreme ADHD, these videos give me so much hope and comfort. Thank you so much
Crying with you!!!! Still so many years later I go through phases where I obsessively think about my moms cold case, and go down these rabbit holes of research and I think I’m ok, and recently, I realized, more than trying to solve her case I’m just trying to feel like I’m doing something for her but really I may have been just trying to avoid those feelings and the pain that comes with them. I need to find healthier ways to cope with my loss.
It’s seems like you have been handling your loss in incredibly constructive ways. Thank you for sharing, as always, you both teach and inspire with transparency and compassion and you are very much appreciated
Thank you! And yeah it's so hard when you don't have answers. We still don't know why my mom died and that's hard enough. I can't imagine if it was a cold case as well. I think with such a painful loss it's natural to avoid the feelings, with my dad I didn't take the time to process and now I feel like I'm dealing with all of it at the same time. Sometimes it's protective though. I think I needed to be in a safe enough place to be able to fall apart about it all. The first week after I got back I barely processed it, just poured myself into projects. Now things feel stable enough that I can and it hurts so much. Thanks for sharing your story, too
@@HowtoADHD I actually thought about going to get the case file and creating a group of ADDers who love true crime to scour the files. One of our super powers is catching things that others miss, and for me personally data analysis and solving puzzles are a strength of mine. Ha a cold case investigative team complied of brains similar to my own I think could be incredibly successful... lol just a thought. Thanks for your reply I included the link to the last broadcast just in case someone knows someone who knows someone who knows something.... that 9 year old was me
connecticut.news12.com/death-of-norwalk-mother-remains-a-mystery-nearly-30-years-later-41682827
Proofreading is obviously not a strength😂
4 years ago, my dad got a cancer diagnosis and they gave him 5 years. So there's about 1 year left. I've been looking for any tips for people with ADHD grieving for over a year, and so far I hadn't come across anything useful. Until these videos.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I am so very thankful for you sharing. I'm also thankful for anyone sharing their stories in the comments.
I hadn't realised how much I needed this. Thank you so so much
thank you for sharing your grief.
in the last year and a half i have lost 5 people, family and close friends. i've been trying to get myself together to build a safer future for myself, but it has been tough to focus. it is hard to move on when the initial grief seems to be the closest you will ever be to the people that have passed.
I wish you all the courage to deal and all the love to heal ♥
Today 9 years ago my mom passed away. It gets better, but sometimes it still hits you like a freight train.
And that's okay.
Take care of yourself and accept that it's not okay. It's okay that it's not okay right now. You're worth it.
A user named GSnow wrote the following about 9 years ago on Reddit:
Alright, here goes. I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not. I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents.
I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see.
As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.
In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.
Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.
Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.
@Hans Strijker This was so beautifully written! I will literally write this down! ☺️
Wow! Thank you so much for sharing your experience...and for keeping and re- posting that ....It is an amazing analogy...maybe the best one Ive ever heard. ...Relatable, memorable and beautifully written
@@jw-fh6vp Here's the link to GSnow's comment on Reddit. It's absolutely beautiful indeed, and I can only wish I had just a tiny bit of his skill in prose. ❤
www.reddit.com/r/Assistance/comments/hax0t/my_friend_just_died_i_dont_know_what_to_do/c1u0rx2
@@happilyeverafterenterprise2239 I can only take credit for the first few sentences in that piece, the rest is from GSnow on Reddit. I could only wish to be as good with words as he is. ❤
Jess, I lost my dad and it was hard. I was dealing with my lost and helping my son with ADHD deal with his grieving process too. It took a lot of work, counseling and time. Be patient with yourself, don't try to skip the pain, I know it's uncomfortable, but in order to feel better you need to allow yourself feel the feelings. My dad passed 4 years ago and I still miss him, he was the one that always made me feel better. I get it. You get used to it with time, but I am still thinking what would my dad say or do if he were here. Sending love
I lost my home when my parents divorced and my dad sold the house. My mom tried to make a home in our rental house but it was never truly our home. My mom moved to my grandmother's house last year to take care of her and it stopped feeling like home when my grandfather died. I sobbed through this whole vlog because I felt all of this. I don't have a childhood home anymore. My mom can't be home anymore, so I need to be the person who creates that home for me and my family.
That's so strong of you, hang in there x
I never had a "home" as a child. I try to just give my children all the love, I never had. And this HOME
Accept who you are, and reach out if you feel like the internal strife is too much x
My condolences on your loss. I cried with you the whole time. I don't share that type of relationship with my mom. Thank you for giving me a peek at what this is supposed to look like. I have worked really hard to have a great relationship with my own children. This gives me insight into what it will be like for them when my time comes. I appreciate the heads-up.
Edit - Thank you seems so inadequate. Your videos have profoundly changed my life and my families. Take what you need. I for one plan to keep learning from you and this community. I will be here.
My mum didn't have a great relationship with her parents but worked so hard to make sure her kids would always feel loved and supported. I think that made her an even better mum than she would have been otherwise, because she really knows how important that closeness is. She's a great mum, and I'm sure you are too.
@@firelunamoon I'm relieved to read that. I'm going to be a mum soon and I don't know what that looks like when it's functional and positive. I'll give my best and hope it'll be alright.
@@withyoctopus for me support means everything. Don't be afraid to learn from strangers they can hardly do worse than our own parents. Stick with wisdom and compassion those seem to help navigate the hard times. And try to remember to cut yourself a break. Folks like us tend to take on the Lion's Share of blame. Remember your child will not die from crying if you have to take a moment. If you're concerned about your emotional state walk away. It will only be for a short until you get your balance again and I found that helped significantly. Also don't be afraid to ask for help.
This has made me realize why I wanna dip into music so much. After my uncle's death I've been thinking daily about music, and I want to learn how to play the guitar. To fill in his role, to make him proud
I hope you don't get tired of my comments, because I'm going to keep commenting. Thank you so much for sharing. After my mom died, I had lots of "string lights" type of moments. I still have them. After my brother died, I had even more. I became obsessed with finishing things for them that they didn't get to finish. My brother hadn't completely unpacked his house yet, or decorated the way he wanted to, and I HAD to do it. I did the same with my mom's house, her projects, her yard and flowers. It's just the tip of the iceberg, but grief does that weird stuff that you just can't explain. I'm so glad you got your string lights. Your progress with Chloe is amazing, she is a very special little girl for sure!
When I heard you pick and strum those first few notes, I cried. I can't tell you how many times I listened to that, again and again, after my brother died. After I spoke at his funeral, the last words I said were "How I wish you were here." Again, thanks for sharing. It really does help.
Thank you for this video!
I was devastated when my grammy passed 3 years ago. This summer grandpa passed as well - and I haven’t been able to visit him for 6months, since winter, because of quarantine. When the funeral was over, I had a feeling that my childhood was over, too - like, at all. I haven’t mourned properly, I never cried for them and there’s a paralysed spot somewhere in my heart. I feel so numb when I go to their flat, empty, like their place itself. And I won’t stop thinking that I should’ve been a better granddaughter.
“The pandemic isn’t over just because we’ve over it.” I looooooove that quote! I can definitely relate. My mom has a mild cognitive impairment (thanks to the stress and change brought on by the stay at home order... boils down to more forgetful and unexplainable actions) and she sighs when I remind to wear a mask whenever she needs to leave the house for an appointment. I’m a stickler for rules and I agree they help us stay safe. “Ugh, that’s still going on?” She says.
'I cant run to the crisis and drop everything else, because it will affect all the progress I have made so far' - I needed to hear this, and this is going to be my mantra from now on. Thank you! You have helped me so much in my life through these videos. You and the channel mean so much to me. I hope you get the chance to grieve and keep all the good memories of your mom, and feel better soon :)
You're doing great, Jessica! Your mom would be so proud.
It's 9 years now since I lost my best friend, since the age of 4, and grief still creeps up on me in weird ways. They are always with you in the things you have, the memories you made, and the that little voice in your head. And there's nothing wrong with needing string lights of coffee cake. No one can tell you how to grieve, or teach you, or in many cases help you; it's about you.
I am so very sorry for your loss.
I just moved into a new apartment and everything that you are doing to set up your house is what I'm doing with this apartment. I find it pretty great to see someone going through a parallel experience. Without getting into it, I've never really felt like I've had a home and now I have this opportunity to create one and I'm so happy and thankful that I've made it here.
I'm glad that you are doing the things you need to do and that you are raking care of yourself. Please keep it up because your health and happiness is so important.
I think I speak on behalf of all the ADHD brains that subscribe to you when I say that we are here for you and we love you. You have done and continue to do such amazing work for this community, even while you go through your own personal crisis. Losing a loved one is an immeasurable pain that no one should have to go through. We love you and support you through this. You are brilliant. You are strong. You are loved. You are important. I want to personally thank you for everything you've done for me this year. I got diagnosed almost a year ago now, and it has rocked my world. I found your TED Talk and then your channel. It's literally changed my life. I don't feel alone. I don't feel stupid. I feel valued and important. Most importantly I feel okay to be myself. I admire your strength, dedication, and determination to live a self actualized life regardless of your struggles, and I most sincerely admire you for have the courage to help others do the same. Thank you for everything. Sending lots of love to you, your family, and of course Chloe :)
Eight years ago I was laid off from my job (call center closed) and nine days later my mom died after cancer came back. Even when you think you are prepared for it, it still throws you for a loop. Thank you for the videos on grief, they're doing a great job of illustrating how much of a massive blow it is to what we had planned for in life; but life carries on.
You began playing wish you were here and I almost lost it. I'm so extremely sorry for your loss. I can't imagine life without my parents.
I started crying while watching this just because I have no idea how you're being able to stay so strong... I'm sorry about your mom, I can't even imagine having that happen now out of all moments in time. I hope you keep pulling through & seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.
Thanks for talking about falling into a pattern of derailing all of your progress during a crisis. I can relate to that so much. I just want to say thanks for sharing your story and experience with us. I’m glad you’re taking care of yourself right now. 💛
I lost my grandmother at 9 years old and now that I think about it that place was a second home to me, I didnt get to choose anything to keep from it though, my mom did. This is what caused me to have my first panic attack and quite a few more after that, and like 1/4-1/3 of them have now been caused by it. After my grandmother died my mom had a mental break down and i would spend my nights crying myself not knowing if she was alive, I eventually got her back though, but since then I easily worry about her death, this helps me learn how to prepare for when it happens
You've been on my mind every day. Glad to see this update, and thank you for helping me with my own grief. I'm bringing home my puppy tomorrow, who I am going to be getting trained as a psychiatric service dog for my PTSD, along with ADHD, and you gave me that final push and confidence to begin this journey. So thank you!!
oh that's incredible!! Good luck!
I didnt realize that other people started shaking their hands when they were getting over loaded.
Thank you for sharing your grief story. I've never really had the feeling of home, more of this is a safe space for me right now. I have my own apartment now, I should make it a home. A place I'm 100% comfortable.
Thank you again.
Being the and only child and the youngest in my generation and all my cousins already having children i have always had an awful fear of being the last and only one left and everyone forgetting about me. when i started losing my aunts uncles and grandparents it was really hard on me and i think that videos like these are so valuable to show people that everyone is allowed to grieve however they need too. thank you so much for sharing this journey with us it is so meaningful and helpful.
Hey, I lost my mother when I was in my early 30's -- I had finished graduate school, moved to DC, and was getting settled in the work/professional world. Thankfully I was still living in a group house with awesome room-mates, it was a piece of normal. There are so many things I can tell you, bits of advice, what worked for me, getting support, etc. But, I imagine your head is swimming and possible ready to explode at the moment so I will give you the two things that have always stuck out for me: (1) The guy who was in charge of the organization where I work sat me down in his office and said, "you and your family come first, the work will be here." I know how important your channel and training Chloe are, but if you need to step back a little, I'll understand and I'm guessing so will your followers. (2) the Hospice bereavement counselor when I explained to her that I kept waiting for the four steps in grieving to start and why is it taking so long. She told me that they were an intellectualization and to throw them out the window. Working with her I learned that the grief will come when I was ready.
I would like to continue listening to you talk about your mom, even if it's part of your ADHD videos, and especially if it helps you. I was diagnosed as an adult and you've taught me to be more gentle with myself and not be as ashamed about the ADHD. I wish I could give you a hug and make it all go away but I know that you will need to go through the pain. Yep, it totally rots. Be Well.
I have found grief does not “ go away”; but as Time goes on, it does get Easier. Lost my Mom 12 yrs ago. For me, those first 2 yrs were the hardest. For whatever reasons... I cried on my drive to work, everyday, for 3 months. It was not all bad tears...sometimes it was just a good memory or song playing. My ❤️❤️ goes out to you and those you love. (🤗 ; this is me, giving u hugs)
You’re such an inspiration for finding the courage to continue uploading in the face of tragedy and grief. I hope that you still make time for yourself emotionally and that while you try to stay productive and keep up with your goals that you don’t also overload yourself and numb out the pain. We love you, take care of yourself please
Grief is really hard. It's strange, and unknown, and no one's grief is the same so it's so rare that anyone else can help you through all of it. Instead we learn how to navigate it on our own, in the dark, with the support of those that love us.
Even nearly three years after losing my Dad, I'm still figuring it out. And these videos - they're another step in that process. Each time they make me cry, but also help me navigate. They help me remember and understand and accept how I reacted at the time. They make it okay for me even now, to still be so lost in that grief at times.
I hope these videos help you too. That they're helping you be gentle with yourself, helping you find support. And they're something that makes you feel a little bit safe.
You won't lose this channel. We're all with you, and will stay with you. Take care of yourself, in whatever way you need. And if we can help, please ask.
Jessica, I’m so sorry for the loss of your mom; you’re so young to have lost both of your parents. We are all living “real life” and I appreciate your sharing your true journey with us. We desperately need the reminders of how much we humans all share in common. Praying for you 🙏🏻❤️
i moved away from home for the first time back in may (halfway across the country) and about three weeks later i found out my mom passed away. it's been really hard knowing that i cant go back, and i have to work extra hard knowing this is my only home and i really only have myself now. i'm really sorry for your loss, i completely understand. i know a lot of people, especially now, can understand too. i'm so thankful for you posting these videos when you are, it's exactly what i (and im sure a lot of folks) needed right about now ❤️
I recently had a cousin who overdosed due to mental health problems. Their father passed away under similar circumstances and it’s caused a lot of trauma to resurface in our family. I can’t visit family due to the pandemic, so I can completely understand how you feel. I always try look at passing as a part of life. It’s not easy, but during this time it’s made me think about just how much a privilege it is to grow old and spend time with the people that keep you alive. Stay strong, take care of yourself and allow yourself to heal.
I love that you are addressing COVID in these recent videos. Thank you for that. Blessings, and huge hugs as you continue to grieve.
The lights can help brighten and comfort, and if I remember from your other video, you hung lights for your mom in her yard. This is a great focus - what CAN you do.
@@caseyf6 I did, yeah. And I found out later I think they're actually the same kind :)
@@HowtoADHD That is an incredibly significant and powerful thing to discover about the lights afterwards because it feels that much more powerful. Especially when you couldn't explain why you needed them, just that you did. Thank you for sharing your story. You've got an entire community who had tears rolling down their face in raw empathy.
I think what I like the most from these vlogs is seeing the advice you tell us through your other videos being put to use in real life. Seeing you implementing your own strategies in real life situations really helps solidify my understanding of them. Please keep posting these, Jessica? Prayers, comfort and strength for you as you continue through the grieving process.
Edit: When my dad passed away almost 5 years ago, his favorite band of all time was Pink Floyd and one of the songs he loved was "Wish You Were Here". Needless to say, I listened to that song a lot in the days, weeks and months of his passing.
If you ever make it to the east side would love to meet up, and thank you in person. You have helped me my boyfriend my sister and many of my family and friends so much. You are AMAZING!!!!
I feel your pain and grief. I lost my mom 3 years ago and she was my everything to me. I felt like I've lost everything and struggled to come out of the darkest times for 2 years after her passing. I used to hate all the people who told me that things will be better with time but it turned out to be true. Grief comes and goes like the waves, and doesn't fully go away but trust me, the intensity of the pain will decrease over time. Hang on girl, I know you're hurting right now but you'll get through this! Thank you so much for all the help and inspiration you've provided me with your channel for several years. Best wishes ❤
Welp, I couldn't hold it anymore the moment 'Wish You Were Here' started playing. Here's for the loved ones who gave us so much 💜💜🙏
Same, one of my favorite songs
Ooh. Is that what she was playing? I thought that sounded familiar.
I have many "string lights moments". It's nice to see that I'm not the only one who does this. It's really hard to not feel bad about my fixations when life around me has moved on.
Wishing you all the best in this journey.
Sending you love💛💛 losing someone is awful, I struggle so much with greif and my adhd 🥰🥰
If you need to take a break, we will understand. But I'm glad you're staying determined even in the face of a really, REALLY challenging time.
Also, that ending song is really fitting for... all of this series.
I’m so sorry about your mother. I was raised by my grandmother for most of my life and she’s going into hospice now. I can’t tell you how validating the experiences you’ve been sharing are, I appreciate you sharing with us during this difficult time 💕
I'm so sorry. I wish you and her the best at this time. I wish you both so much comfort, physically and emotionally, and joy in the memories.
I'm 54 and I feel like I've lost my whole life to ADHD.
Your life isn’t over yet, but I can see where your coming from❤️
Feels.
Thank you for sharing this. I know a lot of people go through a grieving process when they get diagnosed for the life they maybe could have had if they'd known sooner. I went through something similar when I realized ADHD wasn't just about focus and had wrecked my life in a lot of ways just from me not understanding it. *hugs*
25 and feels. How is it then? I might be on the way to 54 just like that, miau .-.
I find it really hard to take care of me, to get me help i need and to deal with my anxieties. What can a veteran advise me (us)?
Sam ... it’s hard for me too, but I’ve learned to make myself to get help. Therapy has helped me alot! They teach you how to think differently, especially cognitive behavioral therapy. Read all you can about ADHD! More you learn, things seem to make sense ! Adderal has helped my anxiety and depression... please talk to someone. And hang in there honey!
Hi jessica, my mother past away 3 years ago and I have adhd and anxiety wich made this sereas just inexplicably relatable for me. After I watched each of the first two videos (and cryed) I wanted to coment and give you some edvice but coulden't think of anything that hadn't already been said. So I just want to say that you are not alone. I know what you're going through and how difficult it is, and how it can take a long time to heal. This vlog is amazig and I'm so happy that you're making it, it realy means a lot to see someone else going through the same things as me. I wish you the best, and if you're ever looking for someone to talk to who's been through that I would love to. ❤
I don't even want to imagine life without my mom. Thank you so much for sharing. I needed this cry. My kids (5) are being stubborn... trying to find joy in every moment because nothing lasts forever and one day I will miss this.
Showing us all that ADHD doesn’t ever preclude strength or the ability to help others. Thank you and sending you all the good thoughts and support through the interweb!❤️ Chloe seems like she’s going to make the best service puppa!🤗🐶
Just a couple things one happy ADHD awareness day!!!!!!!!
I know Grief is a confusing and crazy journey and I just wanted to let You know but you're not alone in that journey And I am So glad that Chloe has been such a good support system for you!!!! We are all here To tell you that nothing that you're doing right now is weird It is good to do what you need to feel safe during this hard time. :)❤❤❤
Blessings love. Lost my mum and childhood home three years ago also in sad circumstances. I really understand what is likes too sell it after too. My childhood family went with that memory. So much love to you xxxxxxxxxxxxx. You are doing really well with the way you are processing. I have ADHD to and is so big and deep those grief. Let it happen and know you are loved. Xxxx. Be present to what you need. You won't lose followers by taking time for yourself in this. You are human:)
You're doing what you need to do. Good for you! I have faith you'll find the balance you need. Grieving as a neurotypical person would be hard enough, but add in ADHD... that's a lot on your plate. I love that you're focusing on making your home your HOME. It's beautiful.
Seeing someone else grieving like me right now touches a part of my soul that hasn’t been touched in a long time. You have validated my experience in a way I didn’t know I was missing or needing. Grief is heavy.
I always say that I want to live my life as an extension of theirs, but I have been paralyzed my grief. I haven’t allowed myself to do that yet. I haven’t allowed myself to be or do or feel anything. I was ashamed that I am still grieving. I’ve been resenting myself for not saying goodbye. I’ve been unable to move forward because I don’t know what a future without them looks like. I need to be more mindful of my emotions & the thoughts behind them. And to forgive myself more.
Give yourself some slack, process what you need to and show yourself the same love you show others x
@@Nicksdabest1 thank you
I deeply appreciate how vulnerable you're being. It's so brave to be showing all of what you're going through to the internet, and I want you to know that it's making a huge difference to me. I am getting ideas for how to train my emotional support dog, and seeing you allow yourself to be raw gives me courage as an artist and as a person to be less than perfectly polished. Thank you
Yor "Forgive Yourself For Everything" is incredibly, unspeakably helpful to me right now
I'm going through losing my grandpa, whom I was very close with. I also never actually dealt with the loss of my 3 other grandparents, which doesn't help because it makes me feel guilty. Nothing that anybody ever says ever helps, is feels. I do not have much of a support system at all in those things because of my intense need for privacy on the one hand and my fear of being laughed at on the other hand...
Watching your videos about your own process helps me by simply validating that it's ok to have this pain, that it's ok and there is nothing to be ashamed about.
Thank you, you've become more important to me than many people I know in person, you're a wonderful human being and I appreciate you, a lot. Thank you.
(And little Kloee too).
I’m falling apart right now. Adhd has not been my friend lately and having borderline HF ASD does not help. I can tolerate some change and some variables but it’s out of control and I’m paralyzed.
oof yeah ASD makes dealing with change even harder. I hope you can find ways of giving yourself some sense of stability in the current chaos. *hugs in solidarity*
How about some yoga and praying. And try a new thing like playing an instrument for example. It renews you, trust me.
Jessica’s mention of her mom’s garden space and making spaces more enjoyable ... plus the loss of a safe hone to go to-meaning her home needed to provide her more safety & security...
Those mentions make me realize that before some big changes, I need to work at doing some recognition of what systems, supports, and even helpful coincidences I have in my current situation. I’m hoping that some work to be aware of what I rely on now may help in prioritizing what gifts & supports I’ll need to fill in j for after changes....
You’re so brave and generous to share your grief story and process with us. What you’re going through is so hard, and you’re showing up in all the ways you can. It’s so helpful for me and I’m sure for so many others. Sending lots of love your way ❤️
when you started playing Wish You Were Here that’s really when it hit, my dad passed away in 2018 and that was like.. His song. i wish you so much luck with chloe’s training, youre so incredibly strong dealing with all of this and still trying to work. your videos have changed my life and really opened my eyes to my own adhd and got me to take the steps i need to get better and manage. 💓
I want to say something but so far I have deleted three attempts and I don’t know how many things I have nixed before I type a single letter.
Your channel means a lot to me. Your honest descriptions of your life, help me understand me. My heart goes out to you in this time of your loss. It’s amazing you’ve created such a good video in spite of the grief.
Jessica, I am heartily sorry for your loss. Losing my mother was the hardest thing I ever had to go through. Fortunately I had a cat who would wake me up when I started crying and calling Mama in my sleep. She would put her paws around my neck and say in my mind--clearly enough to wake me up--"It's just a dream, Mama. I'M still here for you." May I suggest that when Training Chloe you say, not "Good job" or "good girl" but "good paws up" or "good bring meds"? That way she'll learn that she's being rewarded for obedience to a specific command/request, not just for general willingness.
Thank you for sharing your journey with us ❤ we love you.
thank you for following it! it's helping me process and get through it
Bless your heart little lady! So sorry about your mom’s passing! I lost mine 4yrs ago..It’s the hardest thing to get through. She fault cancer a long time. I was her caregiver. Everything was so stressful and my adhd symptoms were way over sensitive. Couldn’t hardly think straight. I’m glad you got your little dog, that’s the best therapy. We need them and they need us. I pray for peace and strength for you to keep going and to stay strong! Your videos have helped me a lot! And you sound good playing your guitar 🎸! You’re the cutest thing! Take care of yourself and know you help a lot of people! 🙏🙏♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️
I just lost my father yesterday from COVID-19. But my feelings were some quite mixed. I feel sad but also very calm, like nothing happens. It's because of my ADD? (53, M)
I'm so sorry. Yeah, grief hits in weird ways and at weird times. There's no right way to grieve.
Possibly psychic rescue reaction
Denial is a normal part of grief. My sister died 2 years ago and I still have a hard time believing it sometimes.
We all deal with it in our own way, and that's okay. Maybe you'll need some time to process it. My condolences!
I lost my mom to Covid 4 months ago & it hits me in small ways- phrases, sunsets, but this video was raw & honest. Thank you for sharing your reality with us so we can see ourselves in you! ADD makes life more complex, not always worse but diffferent. Much love to everyone here.
Thank you for being an advocate for common sense when it comes to the pandemic. Thank you also for your raw honesty. You made me realise some things I was missing in my own "story" of loss.
Why is it sometimes we need to feel others' pain in order to recognise it in ourselves? I'm so sorry for your loss, Jessica.
For the longest time I have thought I have ADHD, and seeing you in these vlog style videos has made me realise how many traits I share with you. These videos are so full of emotion and must be incredibly hard to film and share, but thank you for sharing. Thank you for sharing this journey with us, and I think it’s amazing what you have taught and continue to teach Chloe to do. You deserve this help, so go get it. The pain you are feeling is a pain like no other, but just know that you are enough, you are loved and you will always be a daughter, no matter where your parents are. And you have a whole community of brains here who will support you every step of your journey, no matter where it takes you
I lost my grandad in June, even though it can’t compare to the loss of a parent your videos are so helpful on the topic and how to deal with that in the middle of a pandemic with ADHD and I am so glad you are sharing this with us all ❤️ thank you
im not sure why, but everytime i heard, "good job, chloe!" my brain got a little happy
First of all, thank you for being so open about this. As someone who's had a rough year with some family stuff (don't want to go into detail in a CZcams comment, but let's just say "similar hat"), I genuinely appreciate it.
Second, can I just say thank you for the covid safety stuff at the beginning of the last couple vlogs? I went off on a rage tangent to someone about how some Talking Head "News" Person Who Shall Not Be Named was being so casual about how the virus """isn't that bad""", so seeing that people DO still take this seriously makes me feel a lot better.
I’m really sorry about your Mother,But Chloe seems to be doing really well!
she is! She's been eager to learn, eager to help. It's really sweet.
@@HowtoADHD I was thinking of training my own service dog,so this gives me Hope lol
Thanks for sharing even though this is a hard time. This has helped me and I'm sure many others.
I had it together until you started playing wish you were here; one of my favorite sad songs.
seeing you play Wish You Were Here at the end of the video made me feel so proud of you, even if right now is an emotional, difficult time in your life, you are finding moments of beauty, inspiration and motivation, and creating content that does the same for us!! I'm sorry for your loss, and good luck with Chloe, you've done a great job so far!
It's very brave to put your pain out into the public and it helps more people than you can know. I read A Grief Observed by CS Lewis when my mother was in a coma, and that raw, visceral and genuine expression of pain in someone else helped me feel a little less alone. Thank you for using your hurt to help heal others.
Literally sobbed most of the video. I have no words that could even come close to being comforting, but I’m proud of you.
The end song has so much meaning here. I hope the training with Chloe goes well and that she continues to be so adorable. Sending love
My best friend, and my ADHD ally (he was severely ADHD and helped me figure out my own need for treatment) was murdered on his lunch break on a Sunday in February of 2017. It was also one month and one day after my son was born and I had severe post partum depression, and my friend had been the person who checked on me every single day.
On top of the trauma of unexpected sudden loss of someone who you are absolutely tethered to every single day, then there’s the missing pieces that you don’t know were a thing til they are gone. He left me on read after I answered his daily check in text, and I must have picked up that phone to text him thousands of times before I finally broke the habit. But even today, I saw something that he would have loved, and I told my husband that Alex would have loved that. They were best friends too.
Then two years ago, my grandmother died on the day after my birthday. It wasn’t unexpected, it was dreaded, because she was my advocate from birth, and had been as close as a mother to me. Alex’s death prepared me for the pain and in a very strange way, helped me through it. He always promised he’d be there on the day she died (she had been sick for a long time), but he wasn’t. But he still helped me through it, in a way neither of us could have predicted.
I am still navigating this, and it’s been almost 4 years. I had my new baby to try to focus on, but the dramatic downturn of my life can probably be attributed to complex grief of ADHD, depression, trauma, and grief all at once. Hoping to climb back out one day. :)
Just wanted to say thank you for sharing your journey with us. My heart is with you, and I’m so sorry for your loss.
I'm so sorry. I wish you continued healing every day.
I'm so happy that you were able to take what you loved about your mom's home and made it your own. It's okay to not have everything exactly as it was. You infusing your own spirit into what made that home, well, home to you is a wonderful synergy of respecting who they were and who you are, and compromising nothing of either. Chloe is doing very well as a service dog to you, and that she's been able to start helping you with your own routine and medication schedule.
Sending you another round of socially distanced virtual hugs, but only if you want them! Please forgive yourself if you miss an upload during this time, you know us brains have your back. Take care and be kind to yourself.
Having lost my father (my only remaining parent) earlier this year, this whole series has been very timely. Thank you :)
*hugs in solidarity*
Jess, I am so so sorry for your loss! My Dad passed away from pancreatic cancer this past May 10th. Since then, I have been finding ways to connect with him by doing activities that we once did together but that I lost sight of once adulting and full time work came into play...things like reading (fiction, not articles that work is forcing me to read), writing, and watching movies. I stopped watching movies for the longest time....which is why I could relate 1000% with your need to makeover your patio, to get those lights like your life depended on it, to make your home feel more like HOME. It is your way to connect with your Mom. So, I hear you and I understand you!
Jessica,
I just wanted to share with you and let you know I understand. I've been there. It's very hard. It will take time and support from others. You will never be over the loss of your Mom, but, it will get easier. My Mom died in Feb of 2009, I was shy of 40 and definitely had ADD, Anxiety & depression beforehand. My father had died when I was 7. So, in a similar way, Mom was my last parent. In the beginning, I spent time with people I knew would & could be supportive to me, rather than risking falling apart in other places where It would be more uncomfortable.
I began to look for grief groups. When I found one called "Motherless Daughters", I was in the right place. Even though your Mom died in CA, and you are in Seattle, that's ok. Check around with area hospitals and see if you can get in touch with a "bereavement coordinator" or something like that and tell him or her your situation & ask about the availability of grief groups. I lucked out and connected with this really awesome woman and she put me on the list for her next group. It was like 2 hours one evening a week for 8 weeks. It really helped me a lot. She also did a special program the day before mother's day. I brought my sister to that at least once. You will likely have the best luck with a hospital with a religious affiliation, but you never know.
Love how you play wish you were here. A sense of home and safety is so important in difficult situations. I can relate so much at the moment with the start of a study, finally having a job again and moving to a nee place with all the mess along with that. Now I miss my four legged best buddy so much it hurts. Hang in there. I wish you the best.
My Mom and my Grandma recently passed away back to back. That's why I found your channel a couple weeks ago because my ADHD blew out of control with my grief. Thank you for sharing.
You're such an inspiration. Thank you for everything you do and for showing vulnerability throughout your healing journey.
Other sidenotes, your patio lights look beautiful, I love the work you are doing with Cloe especially the hand signals when you get overwhelmed.
P.s. please try to be gentle on yourself during this process. Your audience/fans understand if you need to take time outs. Sending you love and healing vibes ❤️.
Thank you for this video! I hope you’re doing well 💓
Thank you for sharing this and being so open with us.
thank you for watching! it's helping me process, too
So many days I want to breakdown and cry because the ADHD, or severe anxiety/OCD stemming from it hurt over and over. Every time, your channel gives me reason and hope to keep going. Thank you
THANK YOU for showing us your well loved and well used home. We need to see things to make sense of them and so we have things everywhere and too many of them. I also have spent years thinking the NEXT journal or the NEXT organization boxes or (you get the idea) will clear my head and make things work. No - they just get added to the piles.
Right now you're doing the important things - which is what we should be doing anyway