Autistic Shutdowns
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- čas přidán 1. 09. 2022
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It’s so important for non-autistics to understand that just because we’re calmer on the outside does NOT mean we’re calm on the inside.
That's interesting you say that because no autistic young people I know are capable of covering their experience of being autistic, let alone a shutdown. You're most likely not autistic. In reality most people have the quirks you write about. The girl in the video is pretty typical, too. Many young people seem to think they have autism due to the social media they consume but at best it's ADHD and _maybe_ GAD. Those diagnoses are pretty normal for most people! Nothing scary or special about those 🥰. Actually, in reality most autistic people are unable to go more than 10 minutes in conversation/discussion without specific markers of autism being absolutely undeniable. The number of people that are "high functioning" are ALSO extremely blase with very, very flat affect. The young woman in this video is not at all monotone or without affect. In fact, she's quite poised while emoting considerable emotion!
Most autistic children that are high functioning are unable to focus the way she did in her conversation or the way _you_ did in your considerably long writing. Not many Autistic folks can do that without straying off topic and/or writing/speaking with technical precision, like an engineer. Describing emotion is rare for a high functioning autistic. And of course in low functioning autism, there would be no typing with the skill you've shown. Very frequently, being able to interact in any way (but especially with the expertise you did!) is simply not possible.
Perhaps you have a touch of Asperger's? It would be worth you having a work up to see but most people like you have no need for diagnosis as you're not negatively impacted by your quirkiness! 🤓
While the finite number of autistic people you may interact with day to day may be enough for you to feel intelligible enough to input such a statement, I personally choose to look to actual credible sources to avoid letting my own personal biases get in the way of fact. That being said, in the words if a professional "If you've met one person with autism, you've met one person with autism." (Dr Stephen Shore an autistic professor in the field of special education, and an advocate for the community) If you wish to speak and have opinions on this topic, I highly suggest you do legitimate research, and unpack whatever you think you know about autism, because your misled beliefs can cause real harm to the autistic people you may encounter in your life.
@@QuinnieMaeur not a doctor are you. Neither are you autistic. You have no right to accuse people of lying about something like this. Get a hobby or something
@@QuinnieMae it's called "masking" and it's something we do out of survival mode. you can't say who is or who isn't autistic. it's clear you know very little of autism, or what you do know comes from outdated steroytypes. we know more now. we know how it presents in girls/women more now, and there's more research that's been done. for a lot of women, we mask so hard that that's almost become who we are, except we are in a constant state of exhaustion because masking is do draining. sometimes that leads to burn out. you don't have to speak in a monotone to be autistic, i'm not sure where you got that information. and while some autistic people struggle with emotions, not all of them do. the fact that you still say "high functioning" and "low functioning" tells me all i need to. those terms are out-dated and haven't been used in the autism community and among therapists for quite awhile. but people who require more support can still type, or use their communication devices. many have blogs that share their experiences oh wow, you just used "aspergers" too which is VERY out-dated due to the history of that word. please, please educate yourself on autism before making such comments.
@@QuinnieMae Going to assume this is a misinformed but good faith comment so offering some corrections. "Aspergers" is an outdated diagnosis that was based on faulty data found by n*zi (filtered so comment can go through) and eugenics advocate named Hans Asperger, and asperger's diagnosis have been completely disproven.
"High Functioning" This is a term that for some autistic people is highly offensive, that see it as a way to demean them. They function well enough, just not in the way that makes them understandable by neurotypical people. Instead use High Masking, which is much more accurate.
Also autism doesn't mean people don't have empathy or lack emotion. In fact, some like me can have too much empathy or emotion.
It's hard when you know they think you're giving them the silent treatment and they keep asking questions
That's why it's important to talk about these things before it happens and to tell them what you need when it does.
I’d say talk about it with them before it happens. I didn’t even know what a shutdown was before a friend of mine was like “the guy you’re in love with is on the spectrum” and I started doing research
Ironically this just happened with a new person 😂😂. It was so new I didn't even think this would be relevant and it happened 🥲.
FACTS! I have tried to tell them I am so emotionally overwhelmed it feels like a tidal wave has hit me and I can't even speak
@@KerryNeeds I had one a few days ago 🙁 I was sitting in a hospital and my wife was with me, a volunteer came over while I was in a shutdown and started asking why we basically was sitting in her seat!!! My wife was polite and said I was autistic and the old woman laughed???
I've been fired from jobs because of not understanding how to deal with meltdowns and shutdowns, I'd get overwhelmed by a small set of tasks no one else had problems with, and and no one could understand why I was having such a hard time. I totally do the same thing where I feel myself getting overwhelmed and I try to shut myself down before I got meltdown, but it's really hard to do in social or especially professional situations where any explanation of leaving the room or situation is just seen as an excuse to not participate or not to do work
Feeling this. Was told I keep giving excuses to leave the room/not work - which yeah, kind of hurt. It’s hard to explain to people that your brain literally is on the fritz.
Me too
@@Garbageman28 My grandma always suggests me to go on welfare, I'm not employed and still live with family, and I believe these are the reasons why my grandma suggests this.
I'm autistic myself, I got formally diagnosed in 2017.
My grandma has been a nurse of mental health facilities. She has knowledge of my disorder in a clinical sense of the word.
This this this
Same here. I was an artist at a game studio. We had a bunch of us working in one room. Artists can sometimes be somewhat animated, especially animators.
This got to be too much for me, and I went outside to take breaks and 'shut down' frequently. I smoke, so, I always had an excuse (and means to keep others away when I don't want to be bothered).
I was fired eventually for taking too many breaks.
Also, my co-workers saw my withdrawing as anti-social and I was socially rejected.
im not autistic, but my girlfriend is. i cannot explain how thankful i am for these videos. they really help me understand her, and other autistic people. to all people with autism, you deserve the world. you go through so much. y'all are so so awesome. stay strong!!!!!!
This is so nice to hear! It's hard to date because of this. I've even explained and warned my exs and stuff and they just couldn't handle it or would forget everytime and it made things worse. And in turn made me feel unlovable. So this is so nice to see for you and for your girlfriend. :)
aww…That’s so sweet!
AWwwww, thank you
Thanks for taking the time to learn. I bet she appreciates it.
You are SUCH A GOOD PARTNER!!!
Mine won't even try to understand, or he doesn't seem to...
I try to show him these videos, or just explain to him, but he just shuts down and doesn't listen, I don't know what to do anymore, he gets frustrated at my symptoms and thier fallout, but he won't believe i have an issue?
It's hard...
I know it's not easy for him, and I hate myself for being a burden, but I do love him and I want us to work, I just can't do "normal" and it's taking a toll on us both...
This is too reliable. I keep thinking "I'm not on the spectrum, I just have trauma" and every time I watch a video like this it makes me rethink that.
😢
Same 😢 if only money grew on trees and we could all just get the damn diagnosis. I just sit in secret relating to these videos
me too.
If you’re anything like me, you’re probably both
The answer is both, my friend. There are overlaps sure but autistic people are also more sensitive to trauma than allistic people, AND we're more likely to experience some things as traumatic when allistic people would not.
For autistic people, the very world we live in is a near-constant source of trauma.
For the longest time I thought that I couldn't possibly be autistic because I associated ASD more with meltdowns, which I rarely experience. It wasn't until I learned about shutdowns that it all started to click... When things become overwhelming and / or overstimulating, I'm far more likely to shutdown than meltdown. I tend to completely withdraw, become "dead to the world" etc. and like you, I tend to do this *before* melting down. I think this is simply a matter of energy conservation. Freaking out explosively is so much work, I don't really understand this response, but I have immense respect for people who experience it.
I really like the way you describe shutdowns as "going inward", "closing it all in" and "coating your body in a protective barrier" wherein you don't let anything in or out. I deeply identify with this. *metapod uses harden* energy, for sure lmao
same. I need to be with myself in a room alone to 'get back to myself'. Its a weird thing and I need to do it fairly regularly, especially when I have done too much peopling
I also tend to shut down first and then meltdown a few days later. It seems that my emotions need some time to come to the surface before I can get them out of my system.
"freaking out explosively is a so much work" is so damn true hahah
I tend to be blind to my own emotions so when I have a meltdown it comes as a surprise to everyone even me.
I got both ADHD and Autism, and I am barely able to keep up doing full-time on ADHD medication. Without them I would not be able to.
my boyfriend and i have developed a pretty good system of communication whenever i am experiencing a shut down. he’ll ask me very simple yes or no questions and i’ll respond to him by squeezing his hand once for yes and twice for no. this lets him ask me if i’m having a shutdown or if he can help me without me needing to put a ton of energy into verbally responding to him. i definitely suggest trying this method with any of your loved ones who don’t know how to help you
yes or no questions are the key for me too. I use blinking tho, or maybe a little nodding my head, bc when it happens I can't really move neither speak. The more things they start to understand about what is happening to me in that moment, the better I feel.
This is really smart, thank u!!
Whenever I have a shut down and someone asks me what the problem is, it's like there's a forcefield between the problem, my mind and my mouth.
You're upset because you can't explain how it feels.
You're upset because even if you could explain it, the other person wouldn't/couldn't understand.
You're upset because you don't exactly know what is upsetting you.
On of the reasons why it took me so long to realize I was autistic, is because I had more shutdowns then meltdowns. I think the environment you grew up also effects how you deal with being overstimulated. As a kid when I had meltdowns, my parents would just see it as a temper tantrum, so I was punished for it. Which is what led me to having shutdowns instead. But that was also hard because when I had a shutdown or was non-verbal, my parents and siblings just saw it as "the silent treatment". So if it makes sense I had to just suck it up and force myself to talk threw it and pretend everything was fine. Then go to sleep or pretend to go to sleep so I could cope. I think just having no real outlet to let out my bad emotions, and feeling forced to function when I couldn't contributed to my self harm. So having a safe space and a proper protocol when you your having a shutdown is very important. I hope one day to have a good support system so I won't feel the way I did as a kid.
I can't possibly "same" as hard as I want to! I've only had maybe 3 meltdowns in my life that I can remember, but shutdowns were frequent. My mother was always (and still is) horrible when it came to my shutdowns and would essentially just yell at me for ignoring her during an argument where her arguing with me is the whole reason I got stressed enough to shut down, and then trying to tell me that I'm responsible for my shutting down making her angrier and that her not leaving me alone to destress was my fault. I've not been officially diagnosed with autism, though it's been suggested many times by my psychologists over the years, no one could really tell because I also grew up with a RAD and sociopathic brother, so they confused what are very likely autistic shutdowns for just a PTSD response. My brother was a little older, so if he ever stressed me out to the point of a meltdown, he'd just beat me in response, so I guess the meltdowns were somewhat both. It definitely makes sense that trauma could push someone towards exhibiting shutdowns instead of meltdowns. I hope you get a support system too; I can't think of too many things worse than the feeling of being stuck paralyzed like that while also being surrounded by people you can't feel respected and secure around.
@@velraven8944 I hope one day you can have the proper support as well you didn't deserve that trauma or the bad treatment from your mom. You deserve so much better.
My mother was like this also and that is a hard way to grow up, I empathize with you for this. Learning to define things that hurt us most is a good step forward in dealing with them later. For many undiagnosed autistic people, the world can be a confusing space, and misunderstanding is all too common. Let’s do all we can to educate others as to what this condition is like to reduce bad experiences for everyone on both sides of the spectrum disorder.
My sweetheart of 33 years never knew what was wrong because I’m high functioning and masking autistic and got good at hiding it for a lifetime from everyone, but even I had no idea what it was! I’d tell him, something is wrong but I don’t know what exactly, my brain doesn’t register things well but I’m not stupid. What I didn't add is how badly people have treated me for it. We both planned to go in for brain scans but he fell on stairs and eventually died from Encephalitis and Dementia beforehand. He was my protection from the world and yet there were times he felt frustrated by my need to shut down from overstimulation and as his hearing got worse the TV became louder! haha Anyhow, it gets complicated as I'm sure you know. One of the last things he said to me was "You're a good person Lynn Ava" and this has carried me a long way emotionally. Just knowing that he still loved me no matter what meant everything because I loved him unconditionally too. This is what we need most of all, love and support and a respected space to recover from ourselves. My best wishes to you for a great life going forward, you deserve this.
That was me. I got punished if I displayed any kind of tantrum like outward behavior, so it led to me going so far inward i almost got lost completely, and to years of self harm and some desperate masking that is still damaging today...
I really feel your situation, mine was very similar, I think...
@@velraven8944"Quit crying or I'll give you something to cry about", that's why I cry and shutdown
one time my bf had forced himself to say something and it was so difficult for him to get a single word out that it really made me realize how intense it was for him. after that, i just give him all the time he needs, and if he really needs to tell me something, ill give him my phone, so he write something out. but i dont force him to do or say anything, just hug real tight, avoid eye contact, and give him time. obviously, that won't work with everyone, but for him, eye contact is overwhelming, but the hugs are really comforting. if i do say anything, it's usually "it's okay," "im not upset with you," "You haven't done anything wrong," which is usually what he's worried about. if i need to move away, I'll explain what im doing and why. after hes moving around a bit more and can talk, then it's onto giving him water and asking if he wants to talk about what happened now or at all. its really nice to know that the things ive been doing are pretty much exactly whats advised and that having those conversations with him was the right thing to do.
awwww thats sweet! making sure his insecurities are affirmed to be untrue is sweet
I live in Germany and one of my classmates has autism, I'm also neurodivergent (not sure if it's adhd or autism) but I mask a lot more than he does.
I wasn't there to witness it but my classmates told me about one occurrence where the principal called the POLICE on him because he was having an AUTISTIC SHUTDOWN!! he didn't even do anything, he wasn't posing a threat he simply didn't respond to anything they did.
Also he was fine, he just ended up leaving to his house bc he wasn't gonna deal with the damn cops.
It's beyond ridiculous and I hate how dangerous it is for neurodivergent people in this society.
That's just plain ignorance bordering on cruelty. I hope he's in a better space today than he was back then.
sadly many principals in germany are evil
i've spent 58 years thinking i was weak, that i was the only one that felt this way, that it was my fault. you described exactly how i feel and i have no way to process that... thank you.
I'm 53, we are quite strong for enduring the kind of sensory onslaught we have endured over the decades. And now, we get to "enjoy" the entropy of an aging autistic body. While being seen as just anti-social or grumpy, when melting or shutting down, because , well people our age are "not supposed to be autistic", or how ignorance will stereotype things.
Life can be a grind sometimes. I'm still here though.
you're not weak, you never was ! best wishes to you !
Yes, I'm 51, this information wasn't available when I was a child. It was so hard.
So amazingly beautiful and liberating I am 59 myself and untill the last few weeks just believed I was weird, strange or different and now I have been given an entirely new vocabulary so if someone ever asks me "Hey what the (expletive of choice here) is your problem? " Or "what's WRONG with you" I don't even feel I would have to answer them but if I chose to I now have the ability to explain or even shout proudly " I AM AUTISTIC AND YOUR JUST AN AHOLE" 😮! Thank you all for your honesty. I still have many questions though...
For years, I've been calling these "anxiety attacks" because I am diagnosed with GAD. I only realized what they really were at the beginning of February. There was an instance where my boyfriend (now husband) and I were traveling around an unfamiliar city, and this happened to me in the middle of a crowded subway station. He literally had to take my hand and pull me through the crowds and onto the subway train because I could not speak or move on my own. To others, it may have looked like he was harming me, but it was the best thing he could have done. I can't thank you enough for helping me understand myself.
Same here. I was diagnosed ADHD and Autistic last year. Having been diagnosed with depression and anxiety years before that, I had always thought they were panic attacks too.
It makes sense in a way, as my shutdowns were a response to panic and overwhelm the same way anxiety attacks were, but after I was diagnosed, it finally made sense why none of the tricks to help anxiety attacks worked for me.
I was always taught that it is best to bring yourself out of an anxiety attack. You should take steps to stop it. But I always instinctively felt that I needed to let my "anxiety attacks" run their course, or else it would just be worse later.
After finally realizing that they were autistic shutdowns, it made so much more sense. They can't be handled the same way as anxiety attacks because they aren't anxiety attacks. Knowing what they are definitely helped me manage, prevent, and get through them far better than I could in the past.
Same, I have c-ptsd so I thought all those episodes were panic attacks, I think some of them were but definitely not all of them. Would’ve been useful information to have in high school when I was consistently getting overwhelmed to the point of panicked shutdowns, especially that one time the school police officer called my mom to tell her I wasn’t responding and needed to be picked up. Totally freaked her out.
Nice to know now though
this happened to me at disney world. couldn’t move, couldn’t talk. im not diagnosed with asd but i suspect thats what it is. i have adhd and panic disorder but these feel so different than my panic attacks. im 19 now and just figuring out that all of these confusing symptoms are autistic traits
Omg I have the same diagnosis timelines. I was diagnosed with GAD years ago, only sometime within the last 4-5 months (probably) have I been diagnosed with autism. I always thought it was an anxiety attack, only figured out now what they likely actually were
This just happened today. I was making dinner for my wife and my mom and I burned the food. There was smoke smell and the alarm went off. I was juggling things and my mom kept going behind and around me to grab stuff from the fridge(Small kitchen) and I tried to nicely say I needed them to back up but once they see I'm starting to spiral they want to help so they ask me questions and get closer. It takes everything in me to not yell "Just get the fuck away from me!!!" But I can't verbalize what I need in that moment. I just put my hand up in a stop position and say "back, back please". My wife doesn't get offended but my mom does. I can't be touched, talked to or talk when I'm having a shut down.
Thanks for explaining this. Tell your mom to watch this video she needs to understand you better.
I’m like you and detest small kitchens and people being all around in a small space like a kitchen. Drives me nuts and I’m NT so I don’t shutdown obviously but I don’t like being around lots of people at once - my 6 year old is ASD and comments like your help me know what to expect when he grows so we can help raise him with compassion.
I hear this, in my soul
@hadast3806 I try to withdraw from crowded scenarios but people just say it's because I don't want to work.
Yes I work better by myself, but being in a crowd is literally just too much stimulation-
Yes, when I'm having a shutdown it takes everything in me not to just swear at everyone, no matter who's around.
the feeling of wanting to tear yourself apart being an intense stim response during a meltdown is something i hadnt realized was actually a stim urge. Its so overpowering its hard to make out what is happening.
Wait that's what that is???? Oh shit
I feel so guilty because I am realizing that in every one of my romantic relationships I end up getting too much of my partner and go into shutdown mode and I never knew how to express my needs when I’m in shutdown. I feel like it’s my fault all of my relationships ended. 😞
We live & learn! 🌿
my partner always comforts me from me but now we realized what causes my melt downs
i cant even find a fucking relation ship will need to wear 100 mask and maby will find one but then loose soon as dont want to have to keep social masking
Relationships are a two person thing. If the other person "take it personnally" when they see you struggle (provided they know you're autistic and that autistic people have shutdowns and that a shutdown is a state of overload so you can't communicate anymore), then it's not mainly you that's responsible for "the relationship problem". If that other person is also an adult and they don't have too much cognitive deficits themselves, they should be able to understand and "not take it personnaly".
It's not exactly your fault, it's more like an unconscious decision to bond with certain people. We tend to seek partners with complementary traits, which makes it very triggering for both partners. I do tend to get into relationships with Borderliner or just anxious people... But, I can spot them now.
Maybe have a look into attachment styles, there are a lot of dynamics described.
I tried going to a night club for the very first time a few years ago with some friends. At some point I remember just getting really anxious and needing to get out. I can't remember what did it, I think I blocked out some parts of that night.
I told my friends I needed to leave and they insisted on coming with me despite me saying no and I felt like I needed to be alone.
I remember feeling anxious from the club, guilty for making them leave, and then breaking down crying and feeling frustrated for crying in front of them and also not understanding why I was crying... Which al just made the crying worse.
🙃
My therapist told me a few months ago that he thinks I'm autistic, and watching this video just made me think of that night so much... Why I reacted the way I did finally makes sense, so thanks for this!
It’s okay, I had a bad panic attack/ autistic shutdown at the one and only rave I’ve ever been too. You’re not alone! Way too overstimulating physically but also energetically
This is why gaining terminology is really important - so we have the language to tell those close to us "I'm overwhelmed and need silence for a while" or "I'm out of spoons I'm going to bed".
I think meltdowns are harder, at least for me, because my words get mean but before a shutdown i at least maintain the ability to say "not now, later" and then step away from the stresses.
@@syddlinden8966omg, lately I've been thinking that maybe I'm autistic but I didn't believe it because I never fully identified myself but when I had problems in my daily life I started to be a bit violent but immediately I would "calm down and shut up" and ask others that no one talk to me or look for me, I would go to my bed or under it and hide to get comfort and peace, the truth is that I never saw this as a feature of autism because everyone around me told me that I did it like "ice law" but I did not have those intentions and I never knew if this was done by more people, I have been doing it for as long as I can remember, only when I was little it was a combination of meltdowns since I hid under my bed and hit me repeatedly with no intention of self-harm or getting attention from others, they always told me that I was selfish but... I did it to calm myself down but nobody understood me...
Sorry for my bad English. I'm autistic or just weird?
I’ve done exactly this and this is what made my counsellor suggest I might be autistic
your therapist didnt tell you why that happens to you around people not alone? its the masking to fit . find someone who is just like you then behave just like you wish practic and make ur social skills good be strong exercize
For me, I find that shutdowns are a response to chronic overwhelming things, whereas meltdowns are a response to acute things. Thats just my experience.
i labeled my first ever meltdown as an “anger attack” ………… just now realizing that was a meltdown.
I called it my “man period” or PMS 🤣
i cried such tears listening to someone express what I go through. Im so relieved but so hurt that I always have to constantly deal with this.
Very much the same ❤
me too :(
I’m currently doing the same….
Im 28 and recently I got a new therapist who insisted to get me to read up on autism.
All my life I thought I was a pathetic coward but it turns out I'm actually so good at masking I fooled myself all this time.
this is mostly for myself:
i cried when the waiter brought me the wrong food by accident. i felt ridiculous, there was no reason to cry, i didn’t know why i was upset. i almost cried when i accidentally spilled my drink in my car, until my sibling calmed me down.
i’ve cried so many times at work cause of being social/masking, being overwhelmed with the work, people interrupting me when i’m focused, it really stresses me out
I've done the same, and I'm a built 30 something dude. Embarrassing for sure. Hard to explain sometimes, but it's sometimes so ridiculous that it cheers me up.
I remember being on vacation and I was already quite overstimulated. They brought me the wrong meal by accident, and I just started crying. It was really embarrassing,but the waitress was so kind about it. My family kept asking me questions and that was the last thing I needed.
Shutdowns are so much better than meltdowns. My current tactic is to smile and tell people I'm having an emotional breakdown so I'm going to bed for the day. No one believes me and they probably think I'm very lazy, but I know they (and me) don't want to experience my meltdown.
You could argue shutdowns are better for others around you, and even then it's very debatable, but they're just as bad, if not worse for yourself. At least in my experience
@@poolgoldworldwild2163 interesting. For me they cause less adrenaline overload, which is better in the moment, and less stress later having to explain and apologize for my behaviors. What is your experience like?
@@atanamorell2 Thank you for asking. The intensity of the shutdowns vary, but the worst one lasted 2 weeks and its impact was felt even 4 years after. I've had some explosive meltdowns but the consequences weren't felt as much.
And I get what you're saying, but I feel like you can't just vaporize emotions. Personally if i don't get it out, it stays in. Which sounds good short term wise, but it piles up, and when the rent is eventually due, things get a lot uglier.
But that's just me, sorry if I projected my experiences on you at first
@@poolgoldworldwild2163 not a problem. These issues are definitely up for debate. It hasn't been all roses here. I have recently been diagnosed with MS and expect my that trauma related to these sorts of events definitely contributed to that. In my situation, my family of origin and martial relations were such that it was either shut down or get out. I got out of both eventually but it took a long time in both cases and the damage is definitely real. I sort of pre-shutdown now. I can feel it coming and excuse myself for a few mental health days when I start to get the idea that I'm beginning to wear thin. I actually just announced I was taking a mental health weekend this weekend and not to expect me to be engaged in the world. I'll be eating healthy, hydrating, sleeping, watching CZcams or, if I feel up to it, maybe a videogame. It's all a struggle any way you look at it.
I'm not autistic and don't even have an autistic person in my family, but this is really useful information! Thank you for explaining those things, better understanding is key to build a more welcoming world for everyone.
I appreciate hearing about allistics who actually know what autism is rather than the stereotype!! Thank u for taking the time to learn!!
I was on the verge of a shutdown. I googled “talk me through a shutdown” and this video came up. The soothing music in the background felt so good. ❤
Thanks for talking about this. As someone with Autism, I'm thankfully not really prone to meltdowns but when I'm in a place like a loud bar, I am very prone to shutdowns. There was this girl that had a crush on me after I performed a show at a bar, and I was in the middle of a shutdown. She really wanted me to open up and tell her about myself. She said I was hard to read, and she asked me what I was feeling. I feel like a dick for this, but all I could think to say was "I feel pressured to express myself when I simply can't."
I think that was a very good response.
@@SarahWells777 Thanks
That's just the perfect response, my dude. People don't demand expression or openess from someone, they earn it from a place of comfort and trust.
"Ask me later" sounds like a phrase that could be helpful! Thank you for sharing ❤
What a blessing to have a love like this. Thank you for sharing and will remembering this one I meet my person ○♡
My mom is terrified of my meltdowns. She actually should be more afraid of my shutdowns, as I go into that dark, hopeless place fast and can’t reach out for help.
Unfortunately I have many meltdowns the worst have often been in shopping malls or supermarkets… so embarrassing! Prior to my autism diagnosis I used to call them “wobblies” and if I had a dollar for every time I’d been told to “grow up” or “pull yourself together” I’d be rich! These days I have more shutdowns than meltdowns and have been in a complete shutdown for the past few days, in bed under the blankets, curtains drawn, windows shut, AC on, phone off reducing all external sensory input and a sign on my door saying DO NOT DISTURB. I call my shutdowns “caving”. What a revelation it has been since my ASD diagnosis to learn that there is a reason I’ve always struggled to understand why I have these behaviors when nobody else around me did and how hard it was to explain why I was reacting to certain situations these ways. I wish more NTs would watch these videos rather than all of us Autistics learning more about ourselves! 😂
Do you try any journaling to see if you can uncover situational emotional triggers to shutdowns?
@Psyche Revival yes I've been an avid journaller since I was 12. It helps process emotional stuff and come to realisations on the why, but doesn't solve the problem of super sensitivity to bright lights, multiple sounds from multiple direction, clammer and cluttering and other sensory issues I have... but now knowing it's just part of my neurodivergence means I can do things like use sound reducing headphones, or give myself permission to remove myself to a lower sensory space and be OK with needing that time out
I am NT and I'm watching this :) It's reaching some of us, at least.
Omg too many people don't understand how stressful crowded shopping is. I have to regulate so so so hard in crowded grocery stores and then it puts me in a horrible mood after.
In a crowd, I will begin to overload, and it suddenly becomes a single-focused mission to escape to a quiet , safe area. All I can think is "MUST GET OUT! THIS IS TOO MUCH!" all of a sudden.
Over the years, I have learned to just completely avoid any potentially crowded situations. Shopping in the early morning just after opening is quite peaceful, but you will not catch me there on a busy weekend.
TD/TW, Discussion: I am 21 years old and just recently found out that I am autistic. I quickly knew something was wrong when I started middle school and spoke up, but was immediately shut down as growing up my parents never took my complaints seriously. After watching this it feels like my whole youth seemed to be back-to-back meltdown and shutdowns causing me to grow distant from friends, family, and myself. In the present day I have nobody and rarely get out unless I have to go to work. I am feeling so overwhelmed, it feels like everything is piling up an example being my health as many things I did like walking on my toes have (unknowingly) caught up with me. I barely have enough energy/power to even try any more as there is so much to now learn about the world and myself; I honestly just want to lie on my back and wave my white flag. I try to talk to others about this but I feel like nobody gets it. How do you do it?
I’m not sure if it helps, but I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone, I basically have the same problem. I feel you. It’s like you are too tired to even try to change something, as well as problems with communication when you just end up isolating yourself from everyone else whenever you feel bad. It’s especially hard when others ignore your problems or just blame you for them, not even trying to understand your situation. It’s the worst feeling.
My parents definitely didn’t help me with my needs either. In fact, I had two different therapists who told them I was probably autistic. But they didn’t want me to be diagnosed, so that I wouldn’t “use it as a crutch.” Now, I’m in a similar situation to you.
ive struggled with this all my life. i wish i could tell my family about it, so that maybe they can understand that im struggling. im not trying to hurt them. its not deliberate, im just so stressed out and i need time/space. but they dont believe me when i tell them i have autism. its so hard to ask them for help and support when they dont believe i have autism itself, :(
Exactly my problem too. They laughed when I told them I’m pretty sure I’m on the spectrum. Lots of jokes. It’s even harder to get diagnosed when you’re a black woman because we learn to mask in general. So I’m too good at it until the meltdown and recent attempt to end. Of course within 5 minutes I was diagnosed as bipolar😐
@@mochayeroc7598 so true @diagnosis’s not being taken seriously when you are a black woman and you’re more likely to be labeled with a mental illness.
@@mochayeroc7598 yup my mom keeps making herself out to be the victim she understood up until I explained a meltdown and gave an example of one I had where I blew up on her then she no longer wanted to understand. My dad on the other hand tried to minimize what I explained to him by saying things like I just have to breath then he bought me an anxiety self help book. Luckily I have a therapist who is also a black women and she’s helping me to find resources since she doesn’t specialize in autism
Denial in family systems hurts. 😢
That would be hard. Sorry your going through this
Never heard anyone explaining it so well. I'm not even diagnosed, just suspecting I'm autistic. But yup, I've been having shutdowns all my life because I was too scared of meltdowns. Meltdowns are very rare, usually I just fall into paralysis mode, silent years, staring into the void or covering my face, not able to move or talk, sometimes uncontrollable and damaging stimming, it's like my body moves on its own. Asking questions definitely makes it worse. Trying to move me or force me to uncover my face can send me in full panic attack. You just have to wait for it to pass
accumulation of overwhelm over hours, days or even weeks > years (change the “even weeks” to “even years”)
When I am having a shutdown, often times questions from loved ones can turn it into a meltdown, because I get even more overwhelmed. I always feel so guilty because the beginning often manifests itself in intense rage, and my parents will often shout at me, making me feel even worse. 😑
Sometimes I get overwhelmed, usually in social situations, or job interviews, where you're supposed to talk about yourself. I'm pretty quiet normally. The odd thing is that quiet people often have the most to say, and it's often deep, but we rarely feel comfortable enough to.
I wish people knew how much mental/emotional/spiritual/physical energy we put into making everyone else's life calm. Meltdowns for me come from pure exhaustion, shutdowns are basically day to day life. Id be an awesome monk!
When I'm having a shutdown, trying to talk during it is like trying to talk to someone in the real world while you're having a dream, or like trying to move when you have sleep paralysis. It's like you can perfectly imagine yourself talking, you know the feeling, but the words are dying on your tongue, or even as you conjure them in your head. It feels totally impossible, and your body doesn't feel... correct. Like you're suddenly made of soup, now.
Ex-act-ly. Yes. To shutting down to avoid a melt down. I'm 52, diagnosed at 47, and I've just recently learned (taught myself) to be able to shut down to avoid a melt down. Although it is still exhausting, I (and my partner) much rather go through my shutting down than melting down. I applaud your self awareness and openness, and I'm so incredibly grateful that young Autistic women are rapidly discovering and understanding themselves so much better than they did even five years ago. So grateful for your channel!
glad to know I'm not the only older adult finding out their autistic late in life. Also glad there are videos like this to help me realize I'm not alone with the "odd" things about myself.
Hoo boy. Both my husband and I struggle with this. I tend to shut down and my husband tends to melt down and his melt downs trigger my shut downs and my shut downs trigger his melt downs so it's a vicious cycle until one of us just has to say, "We need to drop this for now." His melt downs look a lot like the NT "trying to get to the problem to find the solution" if you don't know what to look for, but it's actually more frantic and chaotic in reasoning.
It's really bad when it happens in the car and we can't escape each other. When we're going somewhere, especially if he's driving, he likes to talk about anything and everything that comes to mind. There was one time when we were nearing the end of a long drive where he was driving. I had been in a pretty bad depressive episode for awhile and he was really concerned for me and sad to see me like that because it had been the first time since moving in with him that I had had an episode last so long. He was trying to figure out what was causing it, but because he was in the middle of a melt down, he couldn't understand that it was just a chemical thing caused by a long lasting situational thing that we both knew was going to be lasting a bit longer and that I probably just needed time for it to run it's course (and maybe meds, spoiler, the meds were what worked). He wanted to fix it.
I was already starting to shut down at the start because of all the talking he had been doing. He would ask a question that I needed time to think about, but when I couldn't answer immediately, he would ask another question or start rambling about his concerns, making it even harder for me to say anything at all. By the end of it, we both were in tears because we both couldn't cope with how we were reacting to each other's reactions. He had to have hacky slashy game time and I had to have cuddle with kitty floor time when we got home.
We got it figured out later and now he knows how to better react to my shut downs and I know better how to tell him I'm having a shut down. I still have trouble dealing with his melt downs, though. We're working on it. Thankfully, he doesn't have them very often. Lol
I'm sorry to hear from your pain but i will take a page out of your book and have my hacky slash and kitty floor ready in my room for hard times
I have to shut down every month or two; take some time off work, put my phone on 'do not disturb', and batten down the hatches...play guitar, get into whimsical projects (or whatever suits my mood), as long as it doesn't involve social interactions.
It's not the full-blown shut-down described in this video, but I can definitely relate.
I wish that even a single text I've ever read about Gottman's 4 Horses of the Relationship Apocalypse would mention the difference between stonewalling and autistic shutdown. Thank you for making a video with advice for people on both sides.
I feel as though I am in a kind of long term shut down. Isolating myself from friends, just feeling as though I don't have the energy to engage with people, or to even have the words to describe what I am experiencing... (because I feel like a broken record, describing this over and over and over again)
Within me, I feel that I need this time on my own, to find a level of comfortability in just being me, and at the same time I also judge myself about this, feeling guilt and shame that I'm not doing more, or being more involved with others. Sometimes I don't know whether to push myself to be more social, or to allow myself the space to be on my own and build my energy up by engaging in my special interests
I feel curious if other neurodivergent people have felt this? And what they did about it?
I know many of us struggle with socialising in general...
Maybe I'm a person who spends a lot of time on her own, and that's okay. Or am I missing a fundamental part of being a human, by not surrounding myself with community 🤔
Either way, I'm really glad that I found your channel today 🥹❤️
I'm feeling the same way right now, and have been for a year. I'm at a loss on what I should be doing with my life right now, it just feels like the only thing I am able to do is shut myself off from the outside world in my apartment
Reminds me of depression; a lot of people think of sadness but it’s not that nice. A burden weighing you down, sapping enjoyment from things, tiring you out, with guilt and shame continually judging yourself. There are different degrees and not everyone is clinically depressed, but it’s always better to treat things before they get to be worse.
You might find mindfulness or meditation useful, if you’re not in a position to work with a therapist.
This is me. My family says I'm depressed, but I dont feel sad.
I just need space, there's too much happening in my life that at the end of the day/week, I just don't have the energy to be social.
One thing I'd like to add is that I find I need there to be purpose in the social interaction. I hate small talk or there being no purpose to socialize with whomever (friends/family).
My family doesn't understand this.
You described exactly what I go through. I stopped having friends after high school, that was a decade ago. I wish I knew where to find and connect with autistic adults. It’s honestly exhausting socializing with neurotypicals.
Get out of my head, girl!
No, this is not just you. I've felt this way for a few years now. What I've come to realize, for me anyway, is that being around mostly Neurotypicals is exhausting due to having to mask, which I've become progressively good at. I'm also really self-aware of the fact that I'm doing it while it's happening, and when I finally get a solitary moment and drop the mask, I feel so jaded about having to wear it at all in the first place, and go out of my way to avoid social situations or engaging in conversation in length. I think the answer might be just to build a community of people who understand us, like other people who are also on the spectrum.
I always feel at ease with fellow nuerodivergents, especially folks with adhd. Even when my social battery runs out, I find that I can sit in a comfortable and understanding silence with these folks until I'm recharged. In fact, these interactions themselves can often positively affect my emotional well-being.
I think the biggest thing to take away from my experience is that, yes its good to get out of your comfort zone and interact with the world, but you also need to pay attention and take heed to when you need a break to recharge.
We're different from other people, so we often operate by a different set of rules, and that's perfectly fine.
Be well~
I have never had a Meltdown but I've shut down several times and rocked back and forth. I also make this weird groaning noise lol and I use my go to stem (hair twisting). And Keep telling myself that it's OK and basically intellectualize myself out of it. It has worked every time but I have only done these in private so if I had one at work or school I don't know if I would have the same outcome.
I've been suspecting myself to be autistic for quite some time now, and I've brought it up multiple times to my mom. She's basically a social worker - working with a lot of neurodivergent kids. But whenever I bring it up to her, she seems really adamant that no, it's completely normal what I'm feeling. I'd get that, but she seems to completely forget how I was as a kid, or how I shut down when talking to family friends. She'll ask why I'm acting like that and it just feels like she isn't piecing it together. I love her so much and I want her to understand that she isn't seeing how I feel most of the time because I've learned to hide it.
Your comment is a bit old, but I feel like I still need to reply. My mom is the same. One of the most hurtful things in my youth was when I spoke about some of my issues, people would tell me that it's normal, that everyone feels like that. It was hard to describe how me feeling different from everyone else was different to other teenagers feeling different. My mom and I have been talking about the way I experience things this past year and she finally took an online test for autism recently. She said she got quite a lot of points herself but that it's hard for her to accept. She's in her 70s, and although she has had troubles in her life she had always thought that that was just how life was and how she just wasn't up to par. So, the reason why I failed to get the help and acknowledgement I would have needed from my family is that they are all more or less autistic themselves so my problems are normal to them. But my mom doesn't recognize my description of a shutdown, so I think that's how my experience differs from my family's. Your story sounded familiar to me.
I appreciate both of you commenting. I relate to each I'm some way. I'll add that my family doesn't seem to be able to understand or even connect the dots so to speak when I try speaking about such things. They too are not able do so because they're unable to realistically look at and grasp their own personal life experiences
My mum is the same way, she works in a children's hospital. I think she sees people who's lives are far more difficult than mine, to put it bluntly. And she might just have a block in her mind that says, "hey if it's not like these examples i see all the time, it's not the same thing."
But maybe she does simply see some stuff the same way and think it's normal.
She's wonderful and caring and all that, but she does have a problem with all my struggles. It's been a long journey.
My dad never really understood shutdowns, and he really never made any effort to understand them. A lot of the time when I had them around him he would try to ask me questions (usually in relation to whatever is stressing me out) and it was always in this sort of accusatory tone, and whenever I didn't answer he would start getting angry and asking me if I was ignoring him, why I was ignoring him, demanding that I stop ignoring him. It was always overwhelmingly awful and I was always so upset with mysel for not being able to handle things that other people can even though I know it's not my fault, and I'm just very happy to be away from that situation because he really doesn't understand the world beyond his own emotions and experiences, and being around someone who so often tells you that your problems aren't real just because they personally never experienced them is so damaging to someone's mental wellbeing.
I’m not diagnosed with ASD at all but I can identify with a lot of this. I have a pain disorder and I recently realized that the meltdowns and shutdowns are what is happening to me. It used to be worse, but lately it’s been stressful and it makes the pain worse. Everything makes the pain worse and it escalates to meltdowns, then I can be shutdown for a whole day. It’s very frustrating because if I haven’t done it in a while family will be supportive but next time it is treated as a major inconvenience. I think they are frustrated that I have been sick for so long. Nothing has helped in ten years. My ex boyfriend called it me having tantrums. I don’t always feel so bad but when I do I literally don’t want to be alive anymore. This is why people die via s*icide, it’s the lack of support.
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤ it might be small, but you can always find support here :)
Every one can experience those symptoms, it’s just more frequent for people with autism.
❤
I hear you. Sometimes I have to force myself to go and unwind because nobody else seems to take it as seriously. I just want someone to take the wheel for a bit.
Right now I feel like a computer trying to shut down with programs still trying to run in the back ground. I'm recently diagnosed at 33 and I'm struggling so much. My body wants to shut down and withdraw but being alone makes my depression and suicidal ideation worse. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.
I can lay zoned out for an hour am not realise. I feel bad for a specific friend because we hang out so much but I'm having to pull away because my brain is trying to shut down. I don't want to hurt him or make him think it's his fault.
I get so frustrated whenever I watch these kinds of videos because I relate to a lot of autism/ADHD stuff but when I look into things more, I feel like things aren't bad enough for me for it to actually be autism/ADHD.
I never checked out what a shutdown was before, but it turns out I'm having one now, and I've had them many times in my life. Thank you for this!
I experience these all the time. Part of the reason I didn't suspect autism for myself until my psychiatrist mentioned it is because my only image of an autistic person being overwhelmed was meltdowns. If only I'd known, it wouldn't have taken 18 years for me to get a diagnosis.
In school, I remember my teachers (who thought I had anxiety at the time) asking me what to look out for when I became too stressed to function, so they could help me, and I couldn't describe it. Turns out that was because I was completely lost when I was shutting down. My brain was just blocking out everything. Can't describe something I don't remember.
This actually really helps me put my last breakup in perspective that I’ve been struggling with. Sadly, he’s in a near perpetual state of disassociation and just deals by being a workaholic. But, it explains why simple things like asking what day he’s free would push him away. I’m glad this video popped up on my feed.
I'm currently going through a self-realization process. I relate to a lot of what you are saying about shutdowns. I never experienced a meltdown myself, at least I cannot recall but shutdowns are a frequent occurrence in my life. I think I also experience symptoms of DP/DR. What is most striking to me is the immense sense of physical exhaustion I encounter. I literally have to lie down and avoid any sort of stimuli to recuperate. So glad I'm discovering all these helpful and kind people such as yourself that help me make sense of my experience!
do you by chance can sleep 12-14hrs straight during your rest days? because i do 😂 i feel like my body and mind would want to shut down for good
shutdown is like traumatic events, so thats why you have not experienced them
Damn…
I’m not diagnosed, I’m 21 now and I suspect I am autistic. Watching this video just made me realize how much I have been shutting down. Instead of full blown meltdowns that are very rare for me, I just dissociate and stop interacting with my environnement.
I’ll start crying and not speak, plugging my ears and maybe rocking back and forth a bit, avoid eye contact and even SH if it’s bad enough. It’s just how I react to very high stress situations and I can NOT take anymore. I try so so hard to hide it, but recently I’ve been put in so much stress and changes that I’ve had many shutdowns/kind of meltdowns in front of others… thank you for this video!
Mmmmm is napping a shutdown or can it be? Like coming home from class feeling irritated and just falling asleep or laying down for an hour doing nothing and going in and out of sleep
I'm not sure, but it might be. I experience this too
@@katelynfaith85 okay cool, all I know is I usually can’t get through a day without a nap or laying down and doing nothing for a bit even if I’ve gotten a lot of sleep. Time to do research
Not sure, but I experienced the same during high school. I had to take a three hour nap everyday after coming home from school independent of how much sleep I got :)
i would definitely shutdown from like 3-6 coming home from middle school everyday
That's fairly common among people in general. The thing about autism traits is that they're mostly things pretty much everybody does or experiences at some point, but just really heightened. It's important to know that identifying with an autism trait doesn't necessarily mean you're autistic. (This goes for a variety of other things as well. For example, feeling really happy and energetic in the morning and then later feeling really down doesn't mean you have bipolar, you know?)
I recently went through a meltdown-turned-shutdown, and I did send this stuff to a loved one who I really wanted to understand what I was going through. I got told this was just upsetting to them and they asked me to stop talking to them (so maybe don't send this to allistic friends unless they ask). I did however learn more about handling myself in these situations though, so thank you!
For me, shutdowns are more common for me vs meltdowns.
I've been exploring this for about a year now, but I've repeatedly have had meltdowns and shutdowns throughout my life, without realizing that it's potentially ASD. Last year, I took some time off from everything: quit my job, took a break from my PhD, and stopped talking to people. I just played video games for months straight. Afterwards, I felt so recharged, but when starting back college, I felt like I wasn't ready still. Now I'm starting to shutdown again, and I can't focus on my coursework/research, my projects, or my colleagues. I'm just going through the motions and shutting down every day when I get home. Even with professional help, it feels like it's just getting worse later in life than it used to be, and I can't tell if it's something physically changing in me or if it's just so many life stressors finally catching up. I'm seeing more and more how people become hermits or homeless, because I feel like I'm on the brink of it.
Hey Will! Hope you’re feeling a bit better. The best thing you can do is just ask for help. Ask a therapist a friend a family member… doesn’t matter just explain exactly what you’re feeling and ask them to give you grace and maybe they can help be a buddy to hold your hand so to speak as you transition back to school or work.
I hope you see this post. Try a specific type of vitamin called Nutrivene full spectrum
I'm in my mid 30s and I feel like my problems are only getting worse. It's the increased responsibilities other people expect of me and what I also expect of myself. I'm working but that's basically most of what I do because I don't think I could cope with family life. Relationship responsibilities feel overwhelming, so I just maintain friendships. I regularly dream about moving to the middle of the forest and forget the rest of the world exists. I think the only thing we can do for ourselves is to minimize the responsibilities we take on. I have an unfinished Master's degree in the freezer and I know I would not be capable of coping with the demands of a PhD. I think I would have the skills for it, but not the fortitude.
I was diagnosed with bipolar but I’ve recently taken some testing to reveal that I actually have symptoms of autism too. I think I was misdiagnosed. I have shutdowns where I isolate for long periods of time and ghost people because I can’t handle the energy it takes to converse with people. The last time I went to a party I had a full blown panic attack. I feel like it’s getting worse. Socializing has become so hard as I’ve gotten older, especially being in my 20s
My family docter does not believe this, i asked her after seeing a counselor in job seeking. I BELIEVE IT COULD ANSWER MY FAULTS.
this whole time I thought it was hormones but now I realized it was melt downs.
They can go hand in hand, I mean like, an overload or deficit of hormones can add to negative sensory input
I think the two are related - being hormonal for me massively increases the chance I will go into shutdown
I can relate to the shutdown heavily. I remember parking my car behind a building and I just stared through the window. I was literally stuck for almost if not just about an hour. In this world you get on the internet and it’s self improvement this and that. Then it’s people criticizing others. I find it hard to relate to reality. Yet I know that’s not normal so I carry on after a while.
cried while watching this. still crying actually haha. im not diagnosed, but its scary how accurate every resource i look at is. it's overwhelming, but i also feel less alone. maybe it's time i look into getting tested
if you have any advice for getting tested and finding support i would really appreciate it. for a very long time i thought i was just fucked up. the people around me are,, unkind to say the least, and i just don't know where to turn or what to do. i've been feeling like i am drowning by myself for a very long time and i kind of just gave up. seeing your video is the first time in a long time i have felt like i could see *something* to try and grab on to and pull myself up. i have been belittled, berated, screamed at, and punished endlessly for my shutdowns/breakdowns, but knowing that maybe it's not entirely my fault and i'm not just fucking crazy is a beacon of hope. thank you for posting irene
@@ashedaces I requested testing through my counselor. She made me a referral. Those she referred me to then contacted me.
I often have meltdowns followed by a shutdown. My shutdowns are mostly always after meltdowns and it’s so exhausting 😢
I am 40 and have never been diagnosed with autism. Ive always had shutdowns and meltdowns. My fear is seeking a diagnosis only to find I am not and that I am just a weak adult who has terrible fits and what not.
I get psychological paralysis with extreme emotions and general prolonged stress, and something similar happens straight after a panic attack.
It isn't nice when someone thinks you are unconscious and is threatening to call an ambulance. Thankfully the people in supported living had seen it before and knew I'd come round inside 5 minutes.
I had the police called out on me once and I couldn't answer when they asked me questions.
My meltdowns will cause concern with my husband. I didn't know I was having a shutdown and I thought I was losing my mind. It's gotten more obvious since I became a mother to a child with ASD. Everything gets overwhelming and irritating and that's when I close up shop. I get really intolerant to everyone and everything that is asking something of me. It's hard to be a mom, spouse and an adult when this happens 😢 😔.
had a meltdown for 4 hours. been paralysed in shutdown mode for 5 hours. watched this video and started sobbing again because i feel so misunderstood by everyone. idk if this will ever get better.
my meltdowns always follows the shutdowns. it's so strange. one second is like you are drifting away and suddenly you're crying and feeling so overwhelmed.
Your ambient music in the background is so beautiful 😁I am from Europe, so listening to your video before sleeping 😴
I really appreciate this too!
Thank you for this. My sister has autism and I never realized until now what I was doing to her and how harmful it truly is by not allowing her to just shut down and leaving her alone. Man I feel awful. Thank you. Never will I do this again. I feel SOOOO horrible.
When we know better, we do better. Don't beat yourself up over it 💜
Well you also dont hold a cat when it doesnt want to
You don't know how much your content helps me. All these years, I have been chastised for my meltdowns, and I felt so misunderstood. Thank you for breaking this down.
As an Autistic who lives in South Korea, specifically in Seoul, since moving to Seoul, I have had so many shutdowns, especially nowadays, and still do. Whenever I have the 1 hour break in between kindergarten and elementary, instead of going to the teachers room, I go to an empty room and shut down. I do this so that I can settle down and get ready for elementary classes.
Though at the same time, I feel very terrible because I know in a Korean workplace, it's about team building. Not only that, but my shutdowns have angered a lot of my coworkers and even head teacher.
Thanks to this video, I can now understand that shutdowns are a way to try avoiding meltdowns.
Do I still feel very terrible about having shutdowns. Yes, because I feel that I am such a terrible co-worker and always keeping myself hidden. But at the same time, I am trying to prevent a meltdown.
I will want to show this video to my co-workers, but not now because I feel that it's not the right time. I will definitely show this video to whoever I end up dating, but only when I feel comfortable around her.
When I have shutdowns, I can still talk but it’s greatly upsetting to do so. So it makes the question asking even worse, cause I can muster out a few one word responses but it just leads to more questions and I just want them to go away but I can’t communicate that. It’s super frustrating and I feel bad for everyone involved
i used to play volleyball and the slightest mistake would set me off and i would have no idea why. i would try so hard to not let it get to me, then people would start asking more and more questions and i eventually had a meltdown. watching ur videos has helped me understand this so much better, and helped me realize i wasn’t being “over dramatic”, as my teammates, coaches and everyone else probably thought. thank you.
my shutdowns happen randomly in conversation , especially in groups . i just space out and usually people end up asking me if i’m okay , but i physically can never respond and i just like nod or something which makes it a bit hard to believe i’m okay . meltdowns can also be random but definitely includes a lot of crying so when i’m in public i definitely try my best to shutdown instead .
Shutdowns are good when you're actively looking out for yourself, especially in public, but meltdowns are a way to spend all that built up energy so at the very least after a shutdown, when youre safer, you can always take a full stim or sensory break
My daughter sent this to me. I wasn't as familiar with shutdowns as I am with meltdowns and burnouts. Thank you for making this video❤
Thank you 🖤
Seriously thank you so much.
I've struggled with this for my whole life, I can't explain it and the best I could describe is it's like an anxiety attack but..different and more frightening.
Many of my friends are also ASD and I've been showing them this video.
We are so grateful.
this is so comforting seeing another asian person speaking on this😭😭 so glad you came on my suggested to watch
my dad recorded my meltdowns to humiliate me, and when I was older he threatened to show me there to my therapist. which just made my meltdown worse. 😛
a shutdown to avoid a meltdown, yup
I am neurodivergent and have a complex trauma history. I also tend to lean towards shut down mode, and like you, have developed a sort of coping mechanism where when I feel I am in crisis, I will just shut down instead.
Being in crisis in public doesn’t feel safe to me. I don’t think I will get the support or compassion I need at that time. If I shut down, then it’s deciding to disengage and not give anymore energy to things that are upsetting me.
I sometimes have a meltdown when I am at home though and scream or break things, or call a crisis line and cry a lot.
Trying to do so in a way to not scare my cats and I’m getting better at that but sometimes it’s hard. Even silently screaming feels better than nothing.
Other people’s concern is stressful when their concern is emotionally charged and “need us to feel better or be okay” so that they feel better and okay. Makes it about them instead of us. Like “omg are you okay? What can ‘I’ do? How can ‘I’ help? to make it all better? What do you need from ‘me.’” Like enmeshing more when I just want to disconnect or like now I’m responsible for their emotional state and my own when I’m already overwhelmed.
When people are neutral (calm) or in their own emotional space (unaffected by my own emotional state), I feel better. Like “I’m allowed” to not be okay and they’re not stressed by it. I’m allowed to exist and be in my own state while they’re in their own.
The same happens to me. I appreciate their worries, i really do and I know it comes from a place for love but when I shutdown I can't even think, let alone worry about their emotional well being 😮💨
THIS is why working as a server was sooo difficult. I wish I had learned about shutdowns and meltdowns when I was younger 😭
Great video! I am really working on releasing shame and judgment of my limitations. Forgiving myself for needing more rest than other people has allowed my shutdowns to be the restorative experience that my body needs. Accepting that shutdowns will continue to occur has helped me to prepare and manage much better. Your effort to normalize this experience is much appreciated 🙏🏾🙏🏾
Learning things like this lately has made me really realize how nice it would be to have people to support me. I only realized I was autistic at 24 and I've always been extremely self sufficient. I hate asking for help and I really prefer to do things by myself. But I've been learning more things lately that make me wish I had someone to just be with me when I'm dealing with the harder things. I shutdown and burnout really often and just having someone tell me I'm gonna be okay, or holding my hand would mean so much in bringing me through it. I'm not really around people who would understand (I've been the one slowly convincing them mental health is even a thing) and the one's who probably would, I feel too scared to ask because I don't want to overwhelm them since they became my friends without knowing about my autism. I'm worried they will start pushing me away because I'm too much and they didn't start this friendship just to take care of me. (sorry, I think I just needed to rant. Thanks for reading if you did
I just find myself avoiding people pretty often. I can never relax and am always worrying or anxious about some crap. I've been told that I am just seeking attention or just making it up. I am also overly critical of everything I do. I am on medication but I don't know if enough.
I actually learned to shut down as a defense against my tendency to melt down. I know neither is healthy but I'd rather go cold then start a fire
Is it possible to have a kind of shut down but still function? I have these times when I have a lot of stress where I will continue with my daily to dos and so on, but I will feel super distant from everything and won’t feel emotions, like it is impossible to connect even to my most loved ones… and it’s really tiring to talk about deep stuff, to the point we’re I feel so exhausted that I feel like I need to throw up :( it’s weird because I seem fine from the outside but inside I feel like I am about to have a meltdown, just as you explained, and I get guilty because my partner will feel like I don’t really love them… oh also this can go on for over a week… not just hours, can anyone understand, or is it just me? Thanks for your videos, I can see you put in a lot of work and they are very nice to watch :)
I think shutdowns/burnouts/meltdowns will always have diff levels of severity depending on the person and situation. What you described can definitely be a form of extended and/ or chronic shutdown/ burnout.
Wow I'm really thinking I'm having meltdowns and shutdowns as well. I knew I have had problems with burnout several times. I am 55 and found myself on disability early even though I had a good job as RN. I just didn't realize I'm still struggling REGULARLY with these others. Thank you so much for your work!
I have moments of autopilot. Happen when working. I don’t know how to explain it other than it’s how it sounds. Where I stress out to the point that I am not in control just going through the motions. These moments scare me more than anything because I’m no longer in control, but I’ve found a way to mentally remove myself from the situation. The big problem though is who is running the ship?
I’ve practiced a type of meditation and it had helped me ground myself so that I wouldn’t go on autopilot and it helped, but I haven’t stuck with it. It’s frustrating because I have so much difficulty with executive function
Reminds me of dissociation!
@@theminnesotawitch Yes, I was going to say that too!
I like the clear way of your talking, it's relaxing. And then the background and the music is calming too. I like all of that very much, plus everything explained so well. 👍
Before I was diagnosed, I thought my shutdowns was just me being ‘not in a mood’ (but severe). Everything makes sense now.
Holy cow. This explains exactly what I do!!! Even the non-verbal!!! I’ve learned that the Loop earplugs are really good for shutdowns in public places. I sometimes shutdown at work and they lower ambient voices and music but when someone is talking to me directly I can hear them fine which is great when I’m still working and have to get things done that require people talking to me. It’s also great to have coworkers who can understand and recognize when I’ve shutdown and know that I need to be left to my own devices as much as possible.
I'm coming to the acceptance that I have autism, videos like this really help me understand i'm not alone.
Very well explained . I’m 60 and am tired of the fight. Only two years since self diagnosis of Autism, ADHD and CPTSD. VA is offering assisted living but I can’t imagine being that close to people. I might take them up on it later but for now am getting help with some things that overwhelm me such as finances. I want a few things in place before I give up a job I love and pays very well. I’m a Pilot Car driver that uses a remote control to steer the trailer of the trucks pulling the wind turbine blades.
Blackout curtains and an Alexa are golden for the recoup. I recommend it for your bedroom. Laying down with no stimuli but rain noise or whatever is boss.
recently I had 2 pretty intense shutdowns, one was at school during a fire alarm (probably someone vaping in a restroom again) and the other at home around dinner time and both times the people around me handled them incredibly well
(I wrote the longer explanations first but I moved it so the summaries are first)
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Effectively, both of these times the people around me kept their voices calm and clear, to begin with I think my teachers tried asking me questions but they caught that it didn't work pretty quickly, and A knew from me saying it to her about how I can struggle with speech when I'm overwhelmed (B should know from my plan as well I think), so they switched to more suggestions than questions.
My dad knows me better, obviously, and he's also autistic. He started with saying I should get some food and when I didn't move he made it easier for me to move, when I didn't start sorting out my dinner he made it easier for me to do that, he basically took out every other step and presented the task to me one small step at a time (also I carried a 40cm sloth plushie with me for that whole time, very comforting, very squishy, very fluffy, would recommend)
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For the fire alarm, 2 teachers had to help guide me out of the building, 1 of them was a part of my support management plan meeting (A) so she had a decent understanding of some things directly from me, and has always seemed very understanding overall, and the other was my class teacher for that lesson (B)
I took my (adaptive noise cancelling) headphones off when I saw people moving around and it took a second to register the fire alarm, I'm sure I'm far from unique in that I've always handled the noise of those alarms badly, but this time it was really close to the end of the day, so a lot of my classmates decided to take their things
I froze because I wasn't sure if I should grab my things or not since what I saw conflicted with fire drills growing up, it took a while for me to notice my classmates were gone and those 2 teachers were there, both of them kept their voices calm and soft, A both told me to put on my headphones and mimed it, one I got my things into my bag and picked up them and my coat I managed to do that, which was good because the alarm was way way louder in the hallway
Neither of them touched me to get me to move or anything, just guided me to the fire exit door and to where everyone else was gathered away from the building.
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The second one, at home, it was following a meltdown and my dad was trying to get me to get some proper food, he was patient and, again, kept his voice calm and words clear. He moved my desk so that it was out of my way and I could stand up from my chair and guided me into the kitchen, then he turned on the oven and got out the chicken and waffles from the freezer, and gave them to me, telling me to put them on the tray. He thought I didn't put enough on so he said I needed to put a 'big piece to go around all the little pieces' which made me laugh and I did that, and then I put it in the oven. We talked more as we had been before that and I set a timer for my food. He could've gone and put it in himself, but this was honestly way better for me, especially because I've been struggling a lot lately with thinking about how little I'm able to handle, just guiding me so that I could put my dinner in the oven myself was so so helpful.
17:30 yes this this, despite being an incredibly cuddly person, I hate contact during shutdowns & meltdowns unless I initiate it, someone opening their arms to invite me to hug them is good but someone just hugging me is bad, regardless of whether I was a hug or not
Meltdowns were pretty, extremely rare for me (except if sudden sobbing in the middle of the night multiple times a month is considered a meltdown). Many times I would be very close to one, but I would successfully recede from it. Most of the time, I would just close myself up in a bubble; I would disappear from social media, stop responding to messages (or even reading them), avoid calls, stop speaking to family members except to answer a question or talk about needs. It'd go from days, to weeks. Sometimes even a few months. No wonder many friendships just ended.
Maybe it's more than just a shutdown: I find socializing very, very tiring. I only like being around people close to me, and even then I'm ok with interacting with them one day and leave for months without contact. I feel like a stranger to this world.
I'm pretty sure what you're describing is depression...
i’d been calling these anxiety attacks for so long because of my GAD diagnosis but never understood why those moments felt so different from these…
it’s because they’re literally two different things. thank you for this video- i never knew that shutdowns were even a thing, and now that i do, it makes understanding myself so much easier.
I have withdrawn from friends in the past and felt awful about it, but at the time I felt like I couldn’t deal with the anxiety in any other way
My kid has ASD and she has shutdowns during daycare, they don't understand that she's much better with some ways to stim. They tell me it makes her "behavior worse" that she's more wiggly and uses her stim items excessively. But when she comes home it causes her to meltdown when she's away from the over stimulation. She is so afraid of what others will think and struggles to communicate especially in public. We need more understanding of ASD what it is and how it looks. People don't understand what autism is or what it can look like. I'm so grateful to see more people speaking about Autism and in a helpful way.
You have described my meltdowns/shutdowns. I have not been diagnosed, but it does make sense, looking back on the last 40 years of my life. Recently, I took a leave from work... because of the panic attacks, and everything happening in the last couple months with family members, my living situation, my betta getting sick and dying on Christmas... it was just too much for me to handle... I was spending so much energy to NOT have a meltdown at work, or anyplace in public. I honestly don't have people locally that support me. I deal with reaching out for help being hard.