I’m with a 9 as a 4 and we’re helping one another grow so much. He’s helping me by being a safe space for me to express myself freely, I’m helping him express his needs more. It’s not okay to keep the peace and abandon his needs for the sake of others... and it’s okay to express your needs even if it brings about conflict. Thank you so much for this video!!!
No doubt! Thanks for watching and engaging with the contact. I actually get quite a few couples like this watching together and helping each other with the nine and four combo. So you aren’t alone. Keep making it a great relationship! And sorry for the delay, been a crazy month. Hope you are following my Instagram if you’re on it, @drewnewkirkpsychotherapy Drew
I agree!! I'm a nine and I tend to get along with 4s very well because I feel they tend to bring out my adventurous side, I love the directness of 4's as well, even though it may be uncomfortable at times for me because I don't like conflict but I really value sincerity and honesty in relationships, I would rather have someone be honest with me rather than someone who candy coats everything.Also, I can relate to the picking up on the energy when I enter a room, sometimes it can be intense, but it also helps me in my job, (I'm also a psychologist) I read people easily. Thanks for sharing!! I really enjoyed this video!
Awesome! Hey colleague. Yeah, we make great therapists. Love me some 9’s. Speaking of adventures, I’m taking a sabbatical in the Swiss alps for a month to get some space to create more. My 9 friends when I encourage them to travel with me 🙌🏼 Thanks Joanna Drew
@@drewnewkirk wow!! That sounds amazing!! I love traveling and getting to know other cultures! I hope you enjoy your time and get the inspiration you need. I will be looking forward to hearing about your adventures and the way you challenged your 9 friends and how they challenged you 😃🙌
@@joswar1983 follow the journey on instagram @thedrewdawg @drewnewkirkpsychotherapy if you don’t already. Also will hopefully film a few enneagram 4 videos here 🤔 Take care Drew
Hey! I'm a 9w1. This was eye-opening for me. I do love 4s. I love when people are sure of themselves, creative, and genuine/real. My husband is a 4. I always say I love how he is the same crazy, unique person no matter where he is. He has no filter. Sometimes it does scare me, but I love it 😆 I think we help each other a lot. Same for my friends who are 4s. Thank you for this! Edit: Also, the part about 4 sensing the anger of the 9! Man, that was on-the-nose
Thanks Stephanie. I definitely have so many of them in my life so I’m happy you thought I’ve been assessing them well all these years 😉 Keep having fun and frustration with us 4’s. Drew
As a 9, I get along best with 4’s than all other types. I think growing up my friends were usually 4’s, I naturally gravitate towards and like people who are set apart with their uniqueness.
I love this - I remember i told you once when we were talking about 9s that i literally got a warm fuzzy feeling just thinking about them. What a great feeling. I love the calming effect they have on our chaos while still making us feel like we can go to them with anything.
How did it work out? 🤔 So sorry for the delay. Thanks so much for watching! I put a hard boundary on my time in the last year so I could write a book, which I just finished the first draft 🙌🏼 Know that I always appreciate every remark/response and try to get back to each and every one. If at all interested send me your email through instagram or my email to be on my mailing list Insta - @drewnewkirkpsychotherapy OR Drew@DrewNewkirk.com Hope all is well and thanks for reaching out Drew
Sorry for the delay, I’ve been writing a book and hiding away in the Swiss Alps to do so, haven’t been keeping up. Thanks for watching Mike, and thanks for the kind words. Glad it helped. Hope you’re following along on Instagram to, @drewnewkirkpsychotherapy
Oh god, three years ago my girlfriend (9) and I (4) had to go separate ways due to a severe episode of depression on my side. We weren't yet concious enough to see and communicate properly. I have since been able to reflect so much about the two of us and our capabilities at that time of life, also based on the enneagram dynamics of our numbers. So for me it is so nourishing and validating to hear you talking about "it/the nature of a 4 and 9 connection" and also enlightening to gain new information/revelations and to add (or rather take away) yet another layer. She was my first real and authentic and healthy love I have experienced so far and I have this feeling of "this is a once in a lifetime kind of love" - I kind of came to the conclusion that it is because of the enneagram nature of this combination, so now knowing what you said it just makes a lot of sense to me and yeah... feels validating that this "once in a lifetime"-thing is not just in my head - though that may also be the case. I don't know. ANYHOW: My actual question is if you could explain the Jonah Syndrome a little more and its psychological inflictions/reactions. I would be so thankful - and AM thankful for all of your videos! :-)
Sarina, this is really beautiful and thank you for being so open. I really appreciate the reflection as it helps me keep going with these. As for the Jonah Syndrome, I’ll try to expand down the road. I’m keeping a list of topics that people request more expansion on. First though, I have to do all the numbers which is gonna fry my brain by the time I’m done 😂 Drew
My type 9 best friend, when asked what she didn’t like about my (type 4) relationship with my type 9 ex: “I just wish he saw you as an opportunity and not an obstacle.” So it can go either way depending on the outlying factors present in each type. Type 9s either love me or really don’t. Typically the less healthy they are, the less they like me.
I resonate with that as well, Morgan. But that is true of a lot of types, when in relationship with us for us. If they are not in a healthy place, they can definitely be intimidated and resistant to us. I’ve experienced this much of my life and in the last 5 to 10 years have just gotten to a comfortable place excepting that that’s how it will be. Not an easy thing when you can feel that resistance. Anyway, keeping healthy and letting them feel uncomfortable around you. 😂 Hope you are following my Instagram if you’re on it, @drewnewkirkpsychotherapy Drew
Thank you so much for this!! I've been studying the enneagram for years, and I so appreciate your DEPTH!. I'm a self-pres 4. When I was a kid, I had a VERY important adult in my life, a coach for all 4 years of high school. Thirty years later, I now know for sure he is a 9, and appreciate him so much! As a type 4 athlete, I always wanted to practice longer and harder, be better, win more, feel the victories and losses more intensely. He would literally tell me he couldn't understand me, or how seriously I took practice, or the sport in general. I couldn't understand how passive, easy-going, and laid back HE was. But when I was performing extra intensely and especially well in a big game, I could SEE and FEEL him get excited! I KNOW he loved it! It was like I finally sparked him into passion! I also was not the easiest teenager for him to coach. I was melancholic, depressed, dramatic, complicated, and overly emotional. He was kind, steady, patient, always tried to listen and talk, and yes, he was like a xanax. My teachers wanted me to see a therapist, and I said, "I don't need one, I have coach.!" We also had some conflicts, misunderstandings, and falling outs. He would retaliate with passive aggressive actions and comments and petty remarks. But all the while, we had this palpable connection. Thirty years later, I am even more grateful for him.
It's so interesting to observe the similarities between the two... I am a 4, and my twin brother is a 9. I imagine our shared upbringing largely shaped us into both into these types.
I hear of so many nines and fours in the same family. You are not alone in this I don’t think. There does seem to be some kind of shared DNA or some thing. Who knows. But thanks for watching.Hope you are following my Instagram if you’re on it, @drewnewkirkpsychotherapy Drew
Thank you for this insightful & eerily accurate insight on the 9&4s relationship(that’s my wife and i😅) You should make more videos exploring the 4s relationships with the other enneagrams
I’m working on 5 content now. I think watching my video on the 4w5 can be a good starter though as I try to play with the types in combo and in relationship to each other which could translate to actual relationships. But, it’s on my radar 😉 Drew
I love this (and almost edited those words because everyone else wrote the same thing and I wanted to be different...LOL...I'm such a 4). My life-long best friend is a 9 and all of this is so, so accurate. The Half Obscurity section particularly spoke to me. Being a creative with my own biz, I needed to hear that part loud and clear. Love your content and depth - thank you.
9w1 SP/SO chiming in here married to a 4w5 SX/SP. This commentary is so right on the money and make so much sense! I love some 4's, but since we both usually have each other's numbers, it can get really spicy sometimes for sure! The part about the 9 living vicariously through the inspiration of the 4 at the expense of our need to/avoidance of inspiring STUNG! 🦂Love your content!
There he is! On New Year’s Eve no less. I’d not normally respond right away but here goes…. This year is a year of not living vicariously Wayne. Time to step up and be bold. I’m CERTAIN 2023 is a time of revival and reward for you. Remember how much work you’ve already done on yourself - let’s fucking go!
I’m a nine and I am genuinely so happy that I got into Enneagram I found out about it well mbti in health class and didn’t care then I found out about so muchhh and realized how disconnected from myself I am :> like a lil robot suffering but didn’t know just with the flow and now im happy I found my one and only friend that’s a 4 exactly what we both needed was each other that’s so cool really makes me wanna build more connections with people I’m at 0
So sorry for the delay. Thanks so much for watching! I put a hard boundary on my time in the last year so I could write a book, which I just finished the first draft 🙌🏼 Know that I always appreciate every remark/response and try to get back to each and every one. If at all interested send me your email through instagram or my email to be on my mailing list Insta - @drewnewkirkpsychotherapy OR Drew@DrewNewkirk.com Hope all is well and thanks for reaching out Drew
Thanks for watching and for the affirmation! If at all interested send me your email through instagram or my email to be on my mailing list Insta - @drewnewkirkpsychotherapy OR Drew@DrewNewkirk.com Either way, I appreciate you Drew
Nice, Drew! One of my biz partners and I are using this video to refine our relationship (I'm a 4SP, she's a 9SO). Very insightful and useful for both of us. Thanks!
Love seeing a new notification from you. I definitely struggle zoning my energy into specific things. And I agree. I'm 45, and think I'm a late bloomer. I wrote that down. And, it figures I would like Ranier Wilkes work too😂All the feels and depth.
Excellent!! I just found you & I’m obsessed. Spoken like only another sexual 4 could say!! Lol my husband is a 9 & everything you shared here is very spot on.
My ex is an unconscious 9 and although our dynamic was toxic AF we both cannot forget each other nor let go. Its painful because i am emotionally mature and he’s a closed book. Although I’m an unhealthy 4 i still wanted to be emotionally connected but his passivity bordered on emotional abuse and abandonment… so i was out. Too bad because he really is a kind, giving and supportive person. Childhood trauma and his inability to communicate and express his anger killed our relationship; trauma bonded and massively filled each others core wounds, thus the magnetic pull. I frequently felt he was inauthentic, passive aggressive, SUPER AVOIDANT, lacked ambition and his flat affect felt boring, off putting and resulted in me feeling misunderstood and disconnected. I need an open book. No guessing whats up. Honesty. Speaking up about your wants, needs, likes, dislikes. I felt like he was my project and i needed a grown man, not a grown boy. Ouch- We are polar opposites so in ways we even each out but only when both are healthy. We found an unspoken comfort in one another that nobody else understands. We are drawn to each other as both desire TONS of freedom, unconditional love; to be seen, have low self worth, identity disturbance, emotionally neglected and feel like misunderstood abandoned and rejected loners. We are scared children yearning for love, attention and to have our feelings and ideas validated. Please stop telling us how to live, think and feel! Accept us as we are and make an effort to listen and understand.
Thanks for sharing Angela! Such a painful thing when it’s so close to being good So sorry for the delay. Thanks so much for watching! I put a hard boundary on my time in the last year so I could write a book, which I just finished the first draft 🙌🏼 Know that I always appreciate every remark/response and try to get back to each and every one. If at all interested send me your email through instagram or my email to be on my mailing list Insta - @drewnewkirkpsychotherapy OR Drew@DrewNewkirk.com Hope all is well and thanks for reaching out Drew
Thanks for saying that. I love doing this so the affirmation helps! So sorry for the delay. Thanks so much for watching! I put a hard boundary on my time in the last year so I could write a book, which I just finished the first draft 🙌🏼 Know that I always appreciate every remark/response and try to get back to each and every one. If at all interested send me your email through instagram or my email to be on my mailing list Insta - @drewnewkirkpsychotherapy OR Drew@DrewNewkirk.com Hope all is well and thanks for reaching out Drew
Join the club my friend… I’m drawn to them also 😂 If you’re interested in being on my mailing list drop me your email on instagram @drewnewkirkpsychotherapy OR AT drew@drewnewkirk.com - hopefully I’ll continue to create some cool stuff to share
Awesome video! Thanks! I’m gonna share this with my 9w1 sister (if she ever has the time to watch it). She’s always been my closest sibling (out of 8 😮💨🤪) and this video describes our relationship really well.
Drew, I’m a 64-year-old male that is a 9 and I am married to a 4. We are going to a separation, so I have to try to understand where I have failed. I have been listening to you for about two weeks now I am amazed at the insight you have given me. Wish there was a way that I could have one on one. If there is, let me know how I can reach out to you. I want to save our marriage he’s wanting to end it. I cannot believe I didn’t find this earlier and I do believe my marriage would not be in the hard place. We are now keep up the amazing work. It’s been a blessing to me.
All of nines’problem is they are searching for solutions at end of the road and when it comes it is too late. They are behaving like a blind and a deaf person until the red alarm.
I am a 4w5 who has been married to a 9w1 for 10 years now...we have each allowed each other to sleep to ourselves in our own way for a long time and are kind of waking up and taking action now, it is exciting and scary and beautiful and difficult and painful. We've each believed and internalized so many inaccurate messages from each other over the years.
I’ve been so behind on responding to CZcams messages, my apologies 🙏🏼 I’m working on a book this year and fully immersed. Fours and nines can definitely be each other’s best friends and worst enemies when it comes to emotional health. I love that you are realizing what you’re doing, and hopefully coming up with some remedies. The combination is so great when it’s healthy and kind of frightening when it’s not. Thanks for sharing, If you’re interested in being on my mailing list drop your email on instagram @drewnewkirkpsychotherapy or drew@drewnewkirk.com hopefully I’ll continue to create some cool stuff to share
One of my partners is a 9 and the other one is a 7 and I definitely go to the 9 for understanding and compassion because he takes me as I am and finds my rambling interesting. Lol
i do feel like i attract 9s thats why im here. i love and hate them at the same time. love coz theyre comfortable, easy to vent to, and yeah they dont feel like theyre gonna betray u. hate coz of the same thing probs, like maybe the reason why they seem like that is because theyre just rlly indifferent,cowardly or empty. and me, a 4 and an sx4, is FULL like full of emotions and opinions while they maybe hide it so much that its practically gone. and most often i try to get their individuality out which they kinda do but it needs a lot of forcing and i dont like doing that coz it feels like im saving them from their boring miserable life when i want to be the one saved or motivated. i even chose a college degree for a 9 because he didnt know what to choose, and even if i didnt, he said he would've picked what most of his friends picked like wtf. i just rlly hate how empty and chameleon they seem, coz even if they think its a good thing and it is in someway, people just like them coz theyre easy to take advantage of. but theyre always just background characters and cant stand up for themselves let alone others. but yk whatever. theyre ok as friends but anything more serious than that would be in vain. or maybe i just havent met a healthy 9.
I’ve been so behind on responding to CZcams messages, my apologies 🙏🏼 I’m working on a book this year and fully immersed. In my opinion, every human is hard, so it’s more a matter of levels of health as you mentioned. Put me in a position with any number who isn’t healthy and I’m gonna have a hard time with them. As I’ve said, in other videos, we tend to attract people of equal health and equal dysfunction so this is more about where we are on our journey than everyone else. If we are healthy, then we will attract healthy people of all numbers. Anyway, I like that you’re wrestling with this. If you’re interested in being on my mailing list drop your email on instagram @drewnewkirkpsychotherapy or drew@drewnewkirk.com hopefully I’ll continue to create some cool stuff to share
4w5 here. That Initial 4-9 attraction has in my case become a repulsion. The passivity, refusal to engage, inability to hold an opinion, and the constant forgetting has become sickening.
So unhealthy 9’s. Some got some good juice. Go find them. And, work through your disdain. I hear you, it’s a daily trial but we are no easy pill to swallow either. Spent 2 hrs with my bff today who’s a 9, can’t stand him and can’t get enough of him, the feeling is mutual 😂 He’s really helped me grow and finds some quieted parts of myself
@@drewnewkirk I’ll try to remain open to the possibility that not all nines are like this. But my instinct is to leave them all well alone going forward. Yes, my disdain is sky high right now. I’m in no mood to invite further banality into my life.
What about 4 and 4 in a relationship? Sounds disastrous lol I have been diagnosed bipolar twice and i just want to scream at my shrink. Nobody understands the depth of my emotions!!! HSP needs help please. I am not bipolar
You may need to keep searching for a better fit 🤦♂️ As for the 4v4, if they are both healthy it can work and they likely shouldn’t be the same subtype
@@drewnewkirk yeah the relationship felt forced and one sided. Square peg. Round hole. I’m worn out from trying but stubborn and want it to work. Time to move on. Thank you for replying! Dating a 4 might actually be doable since neither would feel threatened by the healthy expression of intense feelings and philosophical convos. I immediately knew you were a 4 due to your emotional maturity and creative expression via tattoos and home decor 😆 #enneagramfoursrule
I’m a self preservation 4w5 .. dated a sexual 4w3. It was super annoying, he threw a lot of temper tantrums, blocked me every every other day, cast me out and reeled me in, told me he didn’t want any thing serious and when I stopped giving af he complained about my emotional unavailability. And this man is in his late 30s .. HARD PASS
@@jessicagray3509 welp, I hope that didn’t last long. Because if it did it would suggest you also gotta fix some shit 😂 But, glad you ran from that. Hope dating is healthier and more living and honoring. You deserve it
Hey Drew, really good video! The best one I have ever seen on the deep connection between 4s and 9s! I honestly think that I am mixture of a 4 and 9. Yeah, that's right. I don't believe everyone is just one type. For me, I am so very 4 that I break out of the 4 box and claim some 9ness (differentiating myself from other 4s). And I am so very 9 that I have merged with 4ness in an inextricable way. I went along to get along on the outside for many years and looked like a 9, but deep down I knew was uniquely tragically flawed. Does anyone resonate with this? Does wanting to have someone resonate with this make me more of a 9?
Hey Paul, if you watch my video called, the Enneagram explained, I talk about how we are all nine types. In fact, we are all 27 types if you include the subtypes. There’s a whole section in that video about that. Additionally, the idea of the try type is fascinating and some thing I agree with. So essentially, we are really strong in one number in each center of intelligence, heart , head, and gut. So you’d have the four in the heart and nine in the gut. Wonder what your head is. Anyway, you are totally on the right track. Thanks for the affirmation and engaging in the content, Hope you are following my Instagram if you’re on it, @drewnewkirkpsychotherapy Drew
Hey Drew- by chance do you know what your best friend’s MBTI is? I’m a 9w8 INTP. I would think there also would be some major differences in a relationship with a feeler vs. a thinker
I don’t but we operate with more knowledge of each other than I could probably explain here so we’ve figured a good bit of that business out there. It’s a wild ride but worth it 😂
The level of depth in this video is unbelievable.
Very much appreciate that my friend
It is the goal to be as layered as possible
i'm a 4 and my boyfriend is a 9. he's the nicest person i know and he helps me a lot to find inner peace . we're happy together!😊
An enneagram success story! 🙌🏼 I love it!
As a 9w1, I feel like I just got called out for an hour straight.
So my secret plan was accomplished? You’re welcome my friend 😉
Drew
I’m with a 9 as a 4 and we’re helping one another grow so much. He’s helping me by being a safe space for me to express myself freely, I’m helping him express his needs more. It’s not okay to keep the peace and abandon his needs for the sake of others... and it’s okay to express your needs even if it brings about conflict.
Thank you so much for this video!!!
No doubt! Thanks for watching and engaging with the contact. I actually get quite a few couples like this watching together and helping each other with the nine and four combo. So you aren’t alone. Keep making it a great relationship! And sorry for the delay, been a crazy month. Hope you are following my Instagram if you’re on it, @drewnewkirkpsychotherapy
Drew
I agree!! I'm a nine and I tend to get along with 4s very well because I feel they tend to bring out my adventurous side, I love the directness of 4's as well, even though it may be uncomfortable at times for me because I don't like conflict but I really value sincerity and honesty in relationships, I would rather have someone be honest with me rather than someone who candy coats everything.Also, I can relate to the picking up on the energy when I enter a room, sometimes it can be intense, but it also helps me in my job, (I'm also a psychologist) I read people easily. Thanks for sharing!! I really enjoyed this video!
Awesome! Hey colleague. Yeah, we make great therapists. Love me some 9’s. Speaking of adventures, I’m taking a sabbatical in the Swiss alps for a month to get some space to create more. My 9 friends when I encourage them to travel with me 🙌🏼
Thanks Joanna
Drew
@@drewnewkirk wow!! That sounds amazing!! I love traveling and getting to know other cultures! I hope you enjoy your time and get the inspiration you need. I will be looking forward to hearing about your adventures and the way you challenged your 9 friends and how they challenged you 😃🙌
@@joswar1983 follow the journey on instagram @thedrewdawg @drewnewkirkpsychotherapy if you don’t already. Also will hopefully film a few enneagram 4 videos here 🤔
Take care
Drew
@@drewnewkirk sounds great!!
Hey! I'm a 9w1. This was eye-opening for me. I do love 4s. I love when people are sure of themselves, creative, and genuine/real. My husband is a 4. I always say I love how he is the same crazy, unique person no matter where he is. He has no filter. Sometimes it does scare me, but I love it 😆 I think we help each other a lot. Same for my friends who are 4s. Thank you for this!
Edit: Also, the part about 4 sensing the anger of the 9! Man, that was on-the-nose
Thanks Stephanie. I definitely have so many of them in my life so I’m happy you thought I’ve been assessing them well all these years 😉
Keep having fun and frustration with us 4’s.
Drew
Drew. I am married to someone who is 7. What kind of support can I give to him to help our marriage grow even more in love.
As a 9, I get along best with 4’s than all other types. I think growing up my friends were usually 4’s, I naturally gravitate towards and like people who are set apart with their uniqueness.
I hear you in reverse, I want people who let me be set apart and unique 😂
LOVE! This is so good!
My husband is a 9 and my beloved Grandma is a 9. I LOVE 9s as a 4.
Whip him into shape with these videos 😉
Gotta love the 9’s 🙌🏼
I love this - I remember i told you once when we were talking about 9s that i literally got a warm fuzzy feeling just thinking about them. What a great feeling. I love the calming effect they have on our chaos while still making us feel like we can go to them with anything.
Right? But those hard 8 wings can be a soft feisty type 😳 Sneaky 9’s
I’m a 4 and my wife is a 9, this should be amusing to watch.
How did it work out? 🤔
So sorry for the delay. Thanks so much for watching! I put a hard boundary on my time in the last year so I could write a book, which I just finished the first draft 🙌🏼 Know that I always appreciate every remark/response and try to get back to each and every one.
If at all interested send me your email through instagram or my email to be on my mailing list
Insta - @drewnewkirkpsychotherapy OR Drew@DrewNewkirk.com
Hope all is well and thanks for reaching out
Drew
Greatest description of 4-9 I’ve ever heard!
So eye opening !!
Thank you!!
Sorry for the delay, I’ve been writing a book and hiding away in the Swiss Alps to do so, haven’t been keeping up. Thanks for watching Mike, and thanks for the kind words. Glad it helped. Hope you’re following along on Instagram to, @drewnewkirkpsychotherapy
Oh god, three years ago my girlfriend (9) and I (4) had to go separate ways due to a severe episode of depression on my side. We weren't yet concious enough to see and communicate properly. I have since been able to reflect so much about the two of us and our capabilities at that time of life, also based on the enneagram dynamics of our numbers. So for me it is so nourishing and validating to hear you talking about "it/the nature of a 4 and 9 connection" and also enlightening to gain new information/revelations and to add (or rather take away) yet another layer. She was my first real and authentic and healthy love I have experienced so far and I have this feeling of "this is a once in a lifetime kind of love" - I kind of came to the conclusion that it is because of the enneagram nature of this combination, so now knowing what you said it just makes a lot of sense to me and yeah... feels validating that this "once in a lifetime"-thing is not just in my head - though that may also be the case. I don't know. ANYHOW: My actual question is if you could explain the Jonah Syndrome a little more and its psychological inflictions/reactions. I would be so thankful - and AM thankful for all of your videos! :-)
Sarina, this is really beautiful and thank you for being so open. I really appreciate the reflection as it helps me keep going with these. As for the Jonah Syndrome, I’ll try to expand down the road. I’m keeping a list of topics that people request more expansion on. First though, I have to do all the numbers which is gonna fry my brain by the time I’m done 😂
Drew
My type 9 best friend, when asked what she didn’t like about my (type 4) relationship with my type 9 ex:
“I just wish he saw you as an opportunity and not an obstacle.”
So it can go either way depending on the outlying factors present in each type. Type 9s either love me or really don’t. Typically the less healthy they are, the less they like me.
I resonate with that as well, Morgan. But that is true of a lot of types, when in relationship with us for us. If they are not in a healthy place, they can definitely be intimidated and resistant to us. I’ve experienced this much of my life and in the last 5 to 10 years have just gotten to a comfortable place excepting that that’s how it will be. Not an easy thing when you can feel that resistance. Anyway, keeping healthy and letting them feel uncomfortable around you. 😂
Hope you are following my Instagram if you’re on it, @drewnewkirkpsychotherapy
Drew
I’m a 4 and my husband is a 9. We’ve been married for 13 years!
Hope this helped
This channel's gonna be very popular some day.
Can’t it come sooner than later 😂
It’d be nice to reach and help more people so thanks for that David. From your lips to Gods ears
Drew
Thank you so much for this!! I've been studying the enneagram for years, and I so appreciate your DEPTH!. I'm a self-pres 4.
When I was a kid, I had a VERY important adult in my life, a coach for all 4 years of high school. Thirty years later, I now know for sure he is a 9, and appreciate him so much!
As a type 4 athlete, I always wanted to practice longer and harder, be better, win more, feel the victories and losses more intensely. He would literally tell me he couldn't understand me, or how seriously I took practice, or the sport in general.
I couldn't understand how passive, easy-going, and laid back HE was. But when I was performing extra intensely and especially well in a big game, I could SEE and FEEL him get excited! I KNOW he loved it! It was like I finally sparked him into passion! I also was not the easiest teenager for him to coach. I was melancholic, depressed, dramatic, complicated, and overly emotional. He was kind, steady, patient, always tried to listen and talk, and yes, he was like a xanax. My teachers wanted me to see a therapist, and I said, "I don't need one, I have coach.!" We also had some conflicts, misunderstandings, and falling outs. He would retaliate with passive aggressive actions and comments and petty remarks. But all the while, we had this palpable connection. Thirty years later, I am even more grateful for him.
I get it, reflecting on my coaches from high school and college framed by the enneagram I’m blown away by how much it could have helped me
It's so interesting to observe the similarities between the two... I am a 4, and my twin brother is a 9. I imagine our shared upbringing largely shaped us into both into these types.
I hear of so many nines and fours in the same family. You are not alone in this I don’t think. There does seem to be some kind of shared DNA or some thing. Who knows. But thanks for watching.Hope you are following my Instagram if you’re on it, @drewnewkirkpsychotherapy
Drew
Thank you for this insightful & eerily accurate insight on the 9&4s relationship(that’s my wife and i😅)
You should make more videos exploring the 4s relationships with the other enneagrams
Only so much time in the day my friend but always working on new content. Stay tuned
I would LOVE to hear a video about 4’s and 5’s in relationship 😊
I’m working on 5 content now. I think watching my video on the 4w5 can be a good starter though as I try to play with the types in combo and in relationship to each other which could translate to actual relationships. But, it’s on my radar 😉
Drew
@@drewnewkirk thanks Drew! Loving your content and style 👌
OH, you are so right! I love my nines. They're so accepting.
Delightful they are 🙌🏼
Soak it up
Both are mostly infps or infj which is very compatible
I love infjs -infp
I love this (and almost edited those words because everyone else wrote the same thing and I wanted to be different...LOL...I'm such a 4). My life-long best friend is a 9 and all of this is so, so accurate. The Half Obscurity section particularly spoke to me. Being a creative with my own biz, I needed to hear that part loud and clear. Love your content and depth - thank you.
Thanks Monica, doing this video definitely helped me interact with my friends who are 9’s. Happy to help build those friendships tighter 😉
9w1 SP/SO chiming in here married to a 4w5 SX/SP. This commentary is so right on the money and make so much sense! I love some 4's, but since we both usually have each other's numbers, it can get really spicy sometimes for sure! The part about the 9 living vicariously through the inspiration of the 4 at the expense of our need to/avoidance of inspiring STUNG! 🦂Love your content!
There he is! On New Year’s Eve no less. I’d not normally respond right away but here goes…. This year is a year of not living vicariously Wayne. Time to step up and be bold. I’m CERTAIN 2023 is a time of revival and reward for you. Remember how much work you’ve already done on yourself - let’s fucking go!
@@drewnewkirk 🤠🙌💣💥💫
9w8 SP here, really resonated with the last point of half obscurity. Good stuff
Thanks Jake. Loved doing this one
I’m a nine and I am genuinely so happy that I got into Enneagram I found out about it well mbti in health class and didn’t care then I found out about so muchhh and realized how disconnected from myself I am :> like a lil robot suffering but didn’t know just with the flow and now im happy I found my one and only friend that’s a 4 exactly what we both needed was each other that’s so cool really makes me wanna build more connections with people I’m at 0
So sorry for the delay. Thanks so much for watching! I put a hard boundary on my time in the last year so I could write a book, which I just finished the first draft 🙌🏼 Know that I always appreciate every remark/response and try to get back to each and every one.
If at all interested send me your email through instagram or my email to be on my mailing list
Insta - @drewnewkirkpsychotherapy OR Drew@DrewNewkirk.com
Hope all is well and thanks for reaching out
Drew
this is so accurate. you're amazing Drew!!
Thanks for watching and for the affirmation!
If at all interested send me your email through instagram or my email to be on my mailing list
Insta - @drewnewkirkpsychotherapy OR Drew@DrewNewkirk.com
Either way, I appreciate you
Drew
Nice, Drew! One of my biz partners and I are using this video to refine our relationship (I'm a 4SP, she's a 9SO). Very insightful and useful for both of us. Thanks!
That’s awesome! Love the application for any business endeavors
Keep it up, I’m sure you’ll see the rewards practically
Drew
My sister is 9, I am 4. I have to give her a time out after too much of me...lol...she says her spirit animal is a sloth...but, she is my comfort.
That sounds exactly right! All of it 😉 Good to see you again Allison
Drew
Love seeing a new notification from you. I definitely struggle zoning my energy into specific things. And I agree. I'm 45, and think I'm a late bloomer. I wrote that down. And, it figures I would like Ranier Wilkes work too😂All the feels and depth.
@@allisona9490 AL THE F…ING FEELS!
Someone drank my grape juice the other day at work, and that was the breaking point...WHY??!?! Freaking why???😂😂
@@allisona9490 oh the humanity!
YES you really got out some good stuff..this fits nearly 100%...
Thanks Karin! Hope it helps you and the hubby 😉
This wholly resonated with me. Thank you, Drew.
No problem Ingrid! It was a fun one to do
Glad it landed well
Excellent!! I just found you & I’m obsessed. Spoken like only another sexual 4 could say!! Lol my husband is a 9 & everything you shared here is very spot on.
But has he watched 🤔
My ex is an unconscious 9 and although our dynamic was toxic AF we both cannot forget each other nor let go.
Its painful because i am emotionally mature and he’s a closed book. Although I’m an unhealthy 4 i still wanted to be emotionally connected but his passivity bordered on emotional abuse and abandonment… so i was out.
Too bad because he really is a kind, giving and supportive person. Childhood trauma and his inability to communicate and express his anger killed our relationship; trauma bonded and massively filled each others core wounds, thus the magnetic pull. I frequently felt he was inauthentic, passive aggressive, SUPER AVOIDANT, lacked ambition and his flat affect felt boring, off putting and resulted in me feeling misunderstood and disconnected. I need an open book. No guessing whats up. Honesty. Speaking up about your wants, needs, likes, dislikes. I felt like he was my project and i needed a grown man, not a grown boy. Ouch- We are polar opposites so in ways we even each out but only when both are healthy. We found an unspoken comfort in one another that nobody else understands. We are drawn to each other as both desire TONS of freedom, unconditional love; to be seen, have low self worth, identity disturbance, emotionally neglected and feel like misunderstood abandoned and rejected loners. We are scared children yearning for love, attention and to have our feelings and ideas validated. Please stop telling us how to live, think and feel!
Accept us as we are and make an effort to listen and understand.
Thanks for sharing Angela! Such a painful thing when it’s so close to being good
So sorry for the delay. Thanks so much for watching! I put a hard boundary on my time in the last year so I could write a book, which I just finished the first draft 🙌🏼 Know that I always appreciate every remark/response and try to get back to each and every one.
If at all interested send me your email through instagram or my email to be on my mailing list
Insta - @drewnewkirkpsychotherapy OR Drew@DrewNewkirk.com
Hope all is well and thanks for reaching out
Drew
You are such a lovely and intelligent human being Drew!
Thanks for saying that. I love doing this so the affirmation helps!
So sorry for the delay. Thanks so much for watching! I put a hard boundary on my time in the last year so I could write a book, which I just finished the first draft 🙌🏼 Know that I always appreciate every remark/response and try to get back to each and every one.
If at all interested send me your email through instagram or my email to be on my mailing list
Insta - @drewnewkirkpsychotherapy OR Drew@DrewNewkirk.com
Hope all is well and thanks for reaching out
Drew
im a sx/sp 4! my best friend of 12 years is a sp/sx 9 with an 8 wing. And i find myself being draw to 9w8s quite often
Join the club my friend… I’m drawn to them also 😂
If you’re interested in being on my mailing list drop me your email on instagram @drewnewkirkpsychotherapy OR AT drew@drewnewkirk.com - hopefully I’ll continue to create some cool stuff to share
Awesome video! Thanks!
I’m gonna share this with my 9w1 sister (if she ever has the time to watch it). She’s always been my closest sibling (out of 8 😮💨🤪) and this video describes our relationship really well.
Damn! 8? That’s a lot of figuring out enneagram numbers 😂
Yay!!! I love this, My Best friend is a 9, and I really love the gut triad. Thanks for sharing.
D, I’m with you! This has been so good to do!
Drew, I’m a 64-year-old male that is a 9 and I am married to a 4. We are going to a separation, so I have to try to understand where I have failed. I have been listening to you for about two weeks now I am amazed at the insight you have given me. Wish there was a way that I could have one on one. If there is, let me know how I can reach out to you. I want to save our marriage he’s wanting to end it. I cannot believe I didn’t find this earlier and I do believe my marriage would not be in the hard place. We are now keep up the amazing work. It’s been a blessing to me.
Totally understand Mike. I have clients from all around the world so I definitely can be reached. Send me an email at drew@drewnewkirk.com
All of nines’problem is they are searching for solutions at end of the road and when it comes it is too late. They are behaving like a blind and a deaf person until the red alarm.
The 4th note is absolutely on point. My boyfriend (9sp) and I (4so) have been struggling with that all the while 🤭
At least you have the amazing dynamic of 4&9. That will always help in the end. Keep struggling well Smiley. Thanks for watching
Drew
@@drewnewkirk Aw thanks for the encouragement Drew. This will be a life long learning indeed :D
@@smileyjing truth! My 9 friends would agree as they have to deal with me 😂
I am a 4w5 who has been married to a 9w1 for 10 years now...we have each allowed each other to sleep to ourselves in our own way for a long time and are kind of waking up and taking action now, it is exciting and scary and beautiful and difficult and painful. We've each believed and internalized so many inaccurate messages from each other over the years.
I’ve been so behind on responding to CZcams messages, my apologies 🙏🏼
I’m working on a book this year and fully immersed.
Fours and nines can definitely be each other’s best friends and worst enemies when it comes to emotional health. I love that you are realizing what you’re doing, and hopefully coming up with some remedies. The combination is so great when it’s healthy and kind of frightening when it’s not. Thanks for sharing,
If you’re interested in being on my mailing list drop your email on instagram @drewnewkirkpsychotherapy or drew@drewnewkirk.com hopefully I’ll continue to create some cool stuff to share
@@drewnewkirk no need to apologize brother. I’ll get on the list. Keep creating!
4s are most common and 9s second common INFPs
One of my partners is a 9 and the other one is a 7 and I definitely go to the 9 for understanding and compassion because he takes me as I am and finds my rambling interesting. Lol
Are you also with a 4w5? I read your comment on a similar video and you said it was the perfect match
Pls do video on 2 and 4 enegram relationship
i do feel like i attract 9s thats why im here. i love and hate them at the same time. love coz theyre comfortable, easy to vent to, and yeah they dont feel like theyre gonna betray u. hate coz of the same thing probs, like maybe the reason why they seem like that is because theyre just rlly indifferent,cowardly or empty. and me, a 4 and an sx4, is FULL like full of emotions and opinions while they maybe hide it so much that its practically gone. and most often i try to get their individuality out which they kinda do but it needs a lot of forcing and i dont like doing that coz it feels like im saving them from their boring miserable life when i want to be the one saved or motivated. i even chose a college degree for a 9 because he didnt know what to choose, and even if i didnt, he said he would've picked what most of his friends picked like wtf. i just rlly hate how empty and chameleon they seem, coz even if they think its a good thing and it is in someway, people just like them coz theyre easy to take advantage of. but theyre always just background characters and cant stand up for themselves let alone others. but yk whatever. theyre ok as friends but anything more serious than that would be in vain. or maybe i just havent met a healthy 9.
I’ve been so behind on responding to CZcams messages, my apologies 🙏🏼
I’m working on a book this year and fully immersed.
In my opinion, every human is hard, so it’s more a matter of levels of health as you mentioned. Put me in a position with any number who isn’t healthy and I’m gonna have a hard time with them. As I’ve said, in other videos, we tend to attract people of equal health and equal dysfunction so this is more about where we are on our journey than everyone else. If we are healthy, then we will attract healthy people of all numbers. Anyway, I like that you’re wrestling with this.
If you’re interested in being on my mailing list drop your email on instagram @drewnewkirkpsychotherapy or drew@drewnewkirk.com hopefully I’ll continue to create some cool stuff to share
An you one on 4 and 2 (I have a difficult relationship with a 2), and 4 and 3 (married to a possible 3).
People are hard regardless of their numbers 😂 Right?
Very helpful - thank you so much❣
Appreciate you watching! Thanks 🙏🏼
4w5 here. That Initial 4-9 attraction has in my case become a repulsion. The passivity, refusal to engage, inability to hold an opinion, and the constant forgetting has become sickening.
So unhealthy 9’s. Some got some good juice. Go find them. And, work through your disdain. I hear you, it’s a daily trial but we are no easy pill to swallow either. Spent 2 hrs with my bff today who’s a 9, can’t stand him and can’t get enough of him, the feeling is mutual 😂
He’s really helped me grow and finds some quieted parts of myself
@@drewnewkirk I’ll try to remain open to the possibility that not all nines are like this. But my instinct is to leave them all well alone going forward. Yes, my disdain is sky high right now. I’m in no mood to invite further banality into my life.
@@alisonschmitt9533 it’s a journey and be on yours! I appreciate that you know where you’re at on it. Be where you need to be.
Much respect 👊🏼
Drew
Interesting convo here. I'm a 9(sp) at breaking point with a 4(se). Totally relate to the feeling of being "sickened" by the other!
@@shannemcmillan “se”?
Merci beaucoup!
Always!
Fascinating dynamic. This makes me think my sister is a 9 although she's undecided, which makes her a 9 right?
Ha! I won’t speculate but that sounds like a good possibility
What about 4 and 4 in a relationship? Sounds disastrous lol
I have been diagnosed bipolar twice and i just want to scream at my shrink. Nobody understands the depth of my emotions!!! HSP needs help please. I am not bipolar
You may need to keep searching for a better fit 🤦♂️
As for the 4v4, if they are both healthy it can work and they likely shouldn’t be the same subtype
@@drewnewkirk yeah the relationship felt forced and one sided. Square peg. Round hole. I’m worn out from trying but stubborn and want it to work. Time to move on.
Thank you for replying!
Dating a 4 might actually be doable since neither would feel threatened by the healthy expression of intense feelings and philosophical convos.
I immediately knew you were a 4 due to your emotional maturity and creative expression via tattoos and home decor 😆
#enneagramfoursrule
@@angela2496 when we have done the work we can be pretty awesome 👏🏼
I’m a self preservation 4w5 .. dated a sexual 4w3. It was super annoying, he threw a lot of temper tantrums, blocked me every every other day, cast me out and reeled me in, told me he didn’t want any thing serious and when I stopped giving af he complained about my emotional unavailability. And this man is in his late 30s .. HARD PASS
@@jessicagray3509 welp, I hope that didn’t last long. Because if it did it would suggest you also gotta fix some shit 😂
But, glad you ran from that. Hope dating is healthier and more living and honoring. You deserve it
yep
My man!
Hey Drew, really good video! The best one I have ever seen on the deep connection between 4s and 9s! I honestly think that I am mixture of a 4 and 9. Yeah, that's right. I don't believe everyone is just one type. For me, I am so very 4 that I break out of the 4 box and claim some 9ness (differentiating myself from other 4s). And I am so very 9 that I have merged with 4ness in an inextricable way. I went along to get along on the outside for many years and looked like a 9, but deep down I knew was uniquely tragically flawed. Does anyone resonate with this? Does wanting to have someone resonate with this make me more of a 9?
Hey Paul, if you watch my video called, the Enneagram explained, I talk about how we are all nine types. In fact, we are all 27 types if you include the subtypes. There’s a whole section in that video about that. Additionally, the idea of the try type is fascinating and some thing I agree with. So essentially, we are really strong in one number in each center of intelligence, heart , head, and gut. So you’d have the four in the heart and nine in the gut. Wonder what your head is. Anyway, you are totally on the right track. Thanks for the affirmation and engaging in the content,
Hope you are following my Instagram if you’re on it, @drewnewkirkpsychotherapy
Drew
@@drewnewkirk thanks so much for the encouragement Drew 🙏 I really appreciate you taking the time to reply! I will check out that video!
I am 98% nine and 96% four, and I feel some of these things within myself.
Are you planning on making videos for the 4 and each of the other numbers? Especially 2,6,& even 4’s with other 4’s?
Possibly in time. I kinda let what’s hitting me lead so it may take a bit but in time it’s all possible
@@drewnewkirk so 4 of you to say, lol
Thanks again Drew!
Always Larry. You’ve been on the journey since the beginning
Stay tuned for more
Hey Drew- by chance do you know what your best friend’s MBTI is? I’m a 9w8 INTP. I would think there also would be some major differences in a relationship with a feeler vs. a thinker
I don’t but we operate with more knowledge of each other than I could probably explain here so we’ve figured a good bit of that business out there. It’s a wild ride but worth it 😂