@@jesseperez4185 That's one path, a little harder to travel for autistic people and the like, but "do-able" if the desire/ drive is strong enough. Another, less traveled, road is that of peaceful solitude, taught by one of Owen's mentors, in Eckhart Tolle and his teachings on being present to oneself and/or learning to sense the wants/ needs of the deeper "spirit". I'm inclined to believe that strong introverts and autistic people, who aren't too far along the spectrum as to be "non-functioning", are actually quite blessed, in the sense that they're wired to have an easier time treading the latter path that I mentioned. I think we're conditioned by society to believe that you're a failure if you don't have a lot of friends or an easy time making friends, but that's only one perspective, and a very myopic one at that, at least IMO. Spiritual goals always trump material goals, IMO. For example, the goal to be generally at peace trumps the goal of having a big social circle and a high level of "game" in the dating scene, which just so happens to have the same underlying goal if you dig a bit deeper into it - it's only a less direct path (the latter one of seeking peace materially) that's more prone to errors and suffering along the way.
What's helped me is to focus on my interests. I didn't realize I was projecting a lot of heavy emotions onto people I just met and they don't know what to do with such personal information before an intimacy has formed. Not every person wants intimacy either so I have to respect people's boundaries. I think I'm getting better at realizing when I'm oversharing now but I'm a work in progress.
just listening and watching her talk is infectious. Imagine working for someone who truly understands your strengths, weakness and if struggling to understand will take the time and effort to help. Amazing
@@cyborgjoe1000 do you have specific examples of her supposed masking of anxiety? Btw masking is something a lot of people do, including myself, when we can't be in a safe environment
Yeaaaah, you would need about 10x the amount of bosses at your work, all educated in psychology. Does that sound plausible to you? Maybe what you should do is to be able to be that person for yourself or have a friend catch you when youre down. Not rely on an imaginary workplace.
Tom is a fantastic interviewer. He doesn’t let her skate over anything without explanation and clarification bringing so much more meaning and validity to her statements. She clearly knows what she’s talking about because she had a concise and coherent answer for everything. Very impressive interview all round 👏
He's obviously smart but I'm starting to wonder if he can make one comment without mentioning his wife. I get it but damn I could only last 20 min. Wife wife wife wife. Wow
Nate Ivgn I found myself smiling too when she smiles. I actually looked through the comments to see if anyone else was doing the same. She is so charismatic.
The comment about neuroticism, " the more I worry about these things, the less likely they are to happen", I feel like that's mischaracterized a bit. As a neurotic person myself, I don't think bad things wont happen, I just feel like ill be prepared and it wont ruin the goals of the day or event. Maybe I'm Different that way, but I always saw it as being prepared for the bad, rather than the neuroticism keeping the bad thing from happening. I loved the talk! Definitely have a new book to check out
I love that she doesn't immediately go to taking offense or thinking something is wrong with herself when people do certain things. She reads the person and trys to find how they are feeling and why.
I used to have social anxiety sooo bad to the point that any person even looking at me is swear, shake & blush. I lived in that misery from I was a child til 23 years old & now I feel completely free from it , it’s amazing !!!!
I had it from 18 to 30. I would say im 95% over it, only some occasions would it come back but its nowhere near as severe. Im 36 now. I got over it from general life experience. Inadvertently being in situations which helped me develop as a person. Make sense? Also ill add that the older you get the less you care about what people think of you.
I love that for you. Practicing becoming comfortable with being uncomfortable helped me to overcome anxiety. I intentionally put myself into situations that caused me to stretch and grow. Adding new “tools to my toolkit” helped me build confidence and credibility with myself. Finding my voice also helped. I practiced engaging with people in person. Now, people are drawn to my authenticity and ability to connect on a personal level.
This has to be the greatest discussion about social skills I've ever seen. This woman has now opened my mind on how to recover from problems I deal with amongst coworkers at work. I love it!!!
10:32 - The big 5 personality traits: Openness- how adventurous you are Conscientiousness- how organized you are Extroversion- how you like being around people Agreeableness- how you work on teams, if you default to 'yes' or 'no' Neuroticism- how you approach worry
It was fun reading your definitions as its shows a lot more about your own biases. You are also trying to oversimplify to the point where you come off as slightly ignorant. "the big 5" is not scientific nor is any personality "explanation" because of the fact that psychology is not science. Neurobiology is the science that garners behaviour. Openness - "includes aspects such as intellectual curiosity and creative imagination". Adventure has nothing to do with it. Extraversion has nothing to do with liking people. We are all omniverts and Its more about the conscious act to be around people. I say conscious because not spending time with others and not spending time on yourself are equally as bad for your mental health. "introverts" are no less sociable or disliking of others than extroverts. Organizational skill is a part of what is called executive functioning. Conscientiousness on the other hand has nothing to do with organizing but awareness. You can be extremely aware but shit at organizing. Tho they tend to be correlated Agreeableness has nothing to do with defaulting to yes or no. You are taking context completely out of the picture. Agreeableness is a multitude of behaviours, were one person can see cooperation another sees weakness. No one "approaches worry". You "handle" worry. You approach situations. Neuroticism can also be described with intellectual, analysing, cautions and an affinity to solve emotional problems to alleviate stress in your near environment. PS: The point is that all of these have positive and negative consequences and not the dichotomous picture you painted.
@@colinwingate2999 lol. That is even worse then 😂😂 Imagine believing that there's a personality trait for liking other humans. Liking is not the problem with anti social personalities. You make it sound as if it's the person's own fault. Thanks, gave me a good laugh
@@adrianflo6481 ughh..the kind of person who argues black is white.. it's not if you 'like' people or not, just do you naturally gravitate to be around other people because your derive enjoyment from it, or not. Being introverted I prefer to not be around a lot of people, especially loud extroverted people; however, that does not mean I do not like them
As an introvert, I engage most with elaborate archetypical talking points and nuance; I find it really hard to make small talk with people and often find that a lot of people just aren't open to elaborating for in depth conversation and it's hard to determine if that boundary is set because they don't want you to cross it or if it's because they don't belive what they have to say is worth saying. A lot of people are closed off simply because they want to avoid rejection, and I hate prying for fear of over-stepping boundaries.
Oh my, how well I can relate. Her description of the phases of a relationship (even a peripheral friendship or an acquaintance at a social gathering) is interesting, and rings true, I think, and I think maybe going through them "properly" comes naturally for the average person and/or for more extroverted people, but is not super easy for people like you and I, or at least it sure isn't for me, anyway, because I just can't do small talk. If I try, it comes off as fake, because gosh, it is. And people don't respond well to fake, so. I have this way of just boldly striding into my talking points, in a way that presumes a lot, and if it's immediately clear that my presumptions were wrong, well then I just go back to my book.
@Shavais Zarathu I boldly stride into my talking points, and I tend to be accurate in my assessments the majority of the time; let me tell you, that it tends to go down just about as well as getting it wrong haha
In 30:30 when she talks about Psychic energy (she says she thinks a lot so maybe she just hasn’t been educated on psychic energy) but it is real. In my culture it is very real. I like to think of it more as understanding brainwaves. Kind of like when you play a random song that came in to your head and the person next to you says I was literally just thinking of that song.
Sheesh, I was looking up videos on Sicily because I just found out I’m 20% Italian. How did I end up here, I didn’t expect to watch this whole video. She got me, I’m buying her book.
I've actually just finished reading her book, "Captivate." It's seriously been insane just how helpful all of these tools have worked not only in my business but in my social life. I'm a new Mom and my "sparkling personality" suddenly left me half way through my pregnancy and into motherhood. Cue the serious awkwardness once finally joining the adult world again. Her book and channel taught me many tricks of the trade but also highlighted some not so flattering things I was doing even before this new chapter in my life hit. So awesome you're interviewing her. I watch both you and her content almost daily. What a special treat to come across today. Thanks, you two!
Many thanks back at you Vanessa. Funny enough when I landed my first weekly dj gig back, I branded the weekly event as, "Thrive." Inspired by your quote, "Go where you Thrive not simply where you survive!"
damn, that was intriguing! She radiates healthy charisma and authenticity...and her energy pulled me out of my dark brooding in seconds! Time well spent.
Also, the close ups during these interviews are fantastic, it makes such a difference for the viewer, it keeps me engaged as if I were there, part of the conversation instead of simply an observer.
6:00 Introverts are very good at observing. Naturally charismatic can walk into a room and not worry about what to talk about. And introvert can see it as a battleground or a playground. Which is what helps her to see interactions in a more formulaic way. she used to read academic studies and then write about it as a journalists. To set herself apart, she started testing it on herself, or in a lab. 7:42 It came from a desire to differentiate herself from other journalists and also to solve people. Like a math problem. To not be so baffled by people’s choices. 10:20 Big five personality traits Openness, Conscientiousness, Extroversion, Aggreeableness, Neuroticism Openness- Neuroticism- how someone approaches worry. Conscientiousness- how much you like organization or routine Agreeableness- if they default to yes or no. 13:54 In western cultures there is an ideal personality type for women and men. For women the ideal personality type is: We can guess personality type by what’s on your walls. 15:36 High neurotics use more motivational quotes High neurotics have less of a gene that helps produce serotonin fast. 19:10 Certain personality traits actually are better as opposites
Your first word in that comment was obviously supposed to be extrovert, not introvert. This one mistake makes your whole comment bs yet 52 people liked it. Not surprising. Most people are stupid.
At one of the stop lights on my way to work there is a sign, no right turn on red during a walk signal. Although I always feel rushed and anxious on my way to work, usually there is a man walking his daughter to school that will push the walk button and I have to wait for them to cross the intersection. He is huge, if you were looking for someone to play Paul Bunyan in a movie he would be a good fit. I find that watching him walk his daughter to school is so soothing. I could sit and watch them all day. He is a huge man with a full beard and his daughter is so small probably five or six years old. It gives me such a feeling of comfort to see this tiny little girl who is being protected by this massive man. It makes me feel that that is how life is supposed to be.
Vanessa your categorisation of types of friends was interesting. In my mind only the high value people would be considered friends. Everyone is an associate. It saves a lot of anxiety
I love this episode! Human interaction and social skills has a hugely obsessive passion of mine ever since I learned as a teenager that I could learn and practice my way out of my own crippling shyness! Highest impact points for me: 1. Learning how to find systems and behaviors that balance, or even leverage, your inherent traits. Specifically on neuroticism the realization that if you are high-neurotic you can jump-start your self soothing by keeping inspiring imagery and quotes highly visible at all times. Like you, Tom, I keep a list of impactful quotes and follow a few instagram channels. However, after this interview I think I would rate myself as high-neurotic when it comes to business and my professional life so I am going to experiment with significantly increasing the visibility of that inspiring material. 2. "Our mental space is finite ... I thought that mental space was sort of endless, right? You could learn forever. You could think about things forever. But actually, we only have a certain amount of mental time every day." This was a huge perception shift for me that I am excited to dive deeper into. I immediately realized that I, too, sort of just unconsciously neglected the time-cost of thinking about things, which I think extends beyond even just whether or not someone likes us but frankly into the entire way that you choose to budget your daily mental time. Time spent thinking about useless or negative stuff is literally time lost that you could have been learning or thinking about something valuable or positive. That is powerful! 3. On facial expressions and structure. Just an interesting anecdote from my own experience: I have experimented with intentionally "wearing the expressions" of characters that I like from movies and TV shows. Particularly if that character is being portrayed by a very skilled and experienced actor. I noticed that when I do this it radically changes the way that people engage with me. One my favorite examples is when I spent some time trying to emulate the mannerisms and hyper-intentional facial expressions that James Spader uses when portraying Raymond Reddington on the blacklist. The transformative effect was enormous: people treated me with more respect and you could tell they assumed I was important or powerful in the way that they deferred to me, even total strangers. Really fun stuff! -- By the time I was half way through the episode I had already opened a new tab and grabbed a copy of Vanessa's book, I'm excited to dive in. I find this stuff utterly fascinating and I love her energy and enthusiasm for the topic and I find her approach to studying and learning so totally relatable. Thank-you for the great content, as always!
If are someone who doesn't like parties and small talk...just accept that. When someone asks you to go just say no I don't like parties. Who cares what they think. Don't feel guilty about not talking to people when you don't want to. Then when you do want to talk to somebody, allow yourself that pleasure. If there is no self applied pressure you will feel much more natural because you are never being fake
Everyone is different but I personally find that pushing myself is what motivates me. If I accept just not liking things it just creates an excuse. A prime example is roller coasters, I always was like nahhhh I’m afraid - until now that I’m later on in life I can let go, have fun and it honestly is a blast (that I would have missed out on if I didn’t push myself).
Where are u supposed to start...with some deep invasive conversation with a stranger. "Small talk" has a purpose. It's so u can gradually get to know/build trust so you can talk about the real sh*t
@@Gecko88 This is exactly how I operate. Because my friends don't feel entitled to my time and understand that people are different, I still have them when I need them and vice versa. They respect my boundaries, and I respect theirs regardless of how "piss weak" they may feel to either of us. "How can I lose when I'm already chose? Like...?"
I'm going to use her technique of turning unpleasant events into something I can enjoy and appreciate. It all boils down to changing perspective and labels that we have unconsciously given to things that we've deemed to be a source of our unhappiness.
Omg the part of the conversation when they discuss frenimies and dream killers is sooo helpful! I feel seen! It’s so true… wondering whether someone is an enemy is so much more taxing emotionally than dealing with a known enemy. Lack of Psychological safety in the workplace impacts performance big time.
She didn't have to tell me she was high on neuroticism, I could tell within the first few moments :) The fast talking and strong need to understand people. I love her knowledge!
@@owlNolan they aren't as obvious as all your CZcams comments being a painfully obvious way for you to try and feel powerful and push away low self esteem 😉 Hope you get better 🙏
@@owlNolan The tips are always common sense but it's applying then do they feel seamless in a tense situation that makes it breaks whether it is legit. Anyone can type a comment anonymously but not all people can apply it in person consistently.
The one thing she didn't talk about that I thought would be beneficial to add to all the great content that she shared, is the awareness of our point of relativity when it comes to our happiness. She mentioned one time about writing our level of happiness in terms of the things we do throughout the day, and one of those tasks was laundry. I just so happened to have lost my laundry washing ability recently and after taking several trips to the laundromat I realize how much more grateful I am for having had the ability to do my laundry at home. Sometimes changing our relativity or our perspective or point of reference to something can greatly change our level of happiness
@@JuanGarcia-ww4eb I felt that as well!!!! Was not organic flow at first definitely felt forced but they forged on and settled into a great give and take, then it was awesome!we all struggle to find that connection sometimes for one reason or another.
@@Bryan-vo1sf well even if she wasn't married, the odds of one of us in the comments meeting her and dating her are like 1 out of 200 million anyway haha
I’m ecstatic I found this amazing women!! I was always awkward and highly neurotic and learning this amazing woman has both these traits. I actually cried with relief, look at her!!! We can all get there. Invaluable, I rang my partner, (usually my podcast time is private, its my thing).. I need to share this one.. he’s like wow! You’re so excited and intrigued! This is a genuine light up! I feel a deeper understanding instantly to myself ❤ thank you for this podcast 🙏 xx
"How do you sculpt a garden of friendship?" Now that's a question I never thought about. Kinda reminds me of manicured landscaping, such a chore to maintain.
This is probably my first comment on youtube ever. And as a German I never thought it would be one under an english speaking video. But this video was so amazing, useful and caring at the same time, I feel the need to say "Thank you"! I feel understood and got a good amount of things to think about and (re)analyze myself. Thank you very much!
I think Americans just love talking so much about themselves so much, if you allow someone to chat so long, and add to their ego, people will like you!
By far one of Tom’s best interviews, with Goggins being his best and she’s a very close second. Every minute of this interview was full educational useful nuggets that bought tremendous self awareness. I think so many times we naturally just listen to words being spoken, rather than the body language and tone. Hope she’s on Tom’s show in the very near future.
I wonder how childhood trauma impacts the development of the big 5 traits and some of the other research studies she mentioned. Like would someone with PTSD more accurately pick up on smelling fear or would they inaccurately overestimate it, because their amygdala is already over-activated? Such fascinating topics and what a charismatic speaker!
As someone who had severe trauma, a lot of what she said didn’t really fit me. For instance, I’m a total worrier. I’m also the one who’s the calmest in high stress situations though, because I had to adapt to constant danger essentially. I also am someone who is obsessed with structure, organization, etc, but my car is super cluttered; because I struggle with feeling like I might need something one day and not have it. I’m known for being insanely outgoing and bubbly, but if you catch me in a gym/certain environments, I’m insanely introverted. I feel like you would have to be able to ask the whys for it to work, rather than going on those visual cues. People with trauma tend to be so outside of social norms in random ways that this wouldn’t work as well.
Should I say it? Yes.. Impact Theory Phenomenon Strikes Again! First I want to point out the changes that I saw 1. IT Coffee mugs, love how they completed the logo, and almost stayed that way during the episode. I did miss the glow that the glasses bring to the table. 2. Impact Theory logo on the left side of the screen, great choice for when people use the content for their vidoes "Goal Cast" *Cough* *Cough*. Did notice that started on the Jason episode. 3. Tom you were a lot more open/free during this episode, I felt more of the vibe that I get from you when you are doing Facebook live. I am thinking it had to do with the guest, and the atmosphere that she brought. 4. Something about how the outro music played at the end, made me feel like I just watched a awesome movie. 5. New ending graphics, LOVE IT. Mad props to the graphic designer. Other things to note 1. GOD DAMN, Talk about captivating. Vanessa is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. Perfect 10 2. Information overload, I felt my brain short circuiting. it was just like a lot of stuff to take in, and it was great. 3. She just a lot of great stuff to say, I must get this book. 4. I was also listening to "528Hz Release Inner Conflict & Struggle | Anti Anxiety Cleanse - Stop Overthinking, Worry & Stress" before I started watching this episode and kept it playing the whole time, and it added a nice touch to how I received it.
Yeah, I want to say it was because he was interviewing a body language specialist, but I would also like to believe we are just seeing the evolution and growth of Tom.
Duuuuuude! This breakdown is awesome! Thanks for taking the time. And thanks for noticing all of our changes. Always trying to improve!! And totally agree that Vanessa has so many amazing ideas that it's hard to keep up. Enjoy her book! It's phenomenal.
*Believe in yourself. You are braver than you think and more talented than you know, and capable of more than you can imagine. Keep putting in the work…*
"remember that you are braver than you believe, stronger than you think & smarter than you seem. Know that that I will always be with you" - Christopher Robin Winnie the Pooh (School (skull rock) rock)
Random tangent - When I’m looking for strong charismatic women role models, I always end up on Tom’s channel. I really appreciate the real conversations on deep subjects and 50/50 male/female guests. It doesn’t feel like you’re doing it intentionally, rather you seem truly fascinated and intrigued by your female guests based solely on their ideas, which is how it should be. I’m not a feminist or anything but sometimes you just want to listen to life advice from girl-Joe Rogan. Cheers Tom for providing a space for young, impressionable girls to hear about real life from real women.
Yes.! I wish both men and women. boys and girls. looked up to people like Tom and the guests that he has on his show rather than these celebrities that only teach you how to be superficial. This is the best channel on youtube for information on all aspects of life for real. I love this.
As an autistic person all of this is just... how I and many other autistic people live. Analyzing people, acting based on others, bluntness/honesty, making things optimized to work with you and not society...
I am 100% with you. I am also autistic, and when she describes herself here and in the interview with Lewis Howes (also on CZcams) she describes an autistic person. She mentioned all the traits I was asked about when I had my diagnosis.
38:39 is a really cool super villain face. Her resting bit@h face is so cool. Both of them have that supervillain killer look. love the information in this video!
I have a flat affect with athymhormic syndrome from brain damage I suffered as a child after being mutilated and the wound getting infected. I am really fascinated by this. I've been working on myself for a long time. This is wonderful. Thank you!
Love her view on honesty!!! I love being a radical honest person. But it's so hard to find people to be vulnerable with you or accept you through your truths and being so direct. Its hard to drop all the friends but less is really more. And genuine people many be hard to find but don't fill the space u could spend on yourself and self care with people who are living their real truth in being organic and accountable.
Yes it is a lonely place, at least for me it is, I have no one to talk to other than myself, but I'm happy to be my own person and not let anyone take advantage of me. I hope I can find a real friend tho
A recovering awkward person. What do you know about the struggles of addiction and obsessive tendencies? Cause you sure make it sound like the small talk at work is as hard as mental illness.
@@adrianflo6481 are you stupid? Where in the heck are you getting the idea that they're compairing their experience of being awkward to being addicted to something. Do u know what the word (recovering) f***ing means? What happens after you break you arm?... you recover! What happens after you get into a car accident and youre in the hospital?... you recover! So in their case, whatever impact awkwardness had on their lives, they are now adressing and RECOVERING from. Happy to tell you, recovering is not solely reserved to people that use or are addicted to something. So stop reaching and drawing stupid BS conclusions from nothingness.
This lady just stole my heart, not because she is beautiful but she just spoke my heart. Yeah not being awkward she is adorable and her voice too. She is just amazing.
this interview should have waaaayyy more views... her comunication skills are so good to the point where you dont feel like this is an interview half way .
How is the book, I've read books on social dynamics and I'm so awkward that I sometimes have too much thinking going on instead of just letting go and letting things happen.Its like hesitation because I don't wanna say something stupid.Im afraid reading into this will make me more award lol.
Men do that if they think the other woman is flirting with them or if they find the other woman attractive. He brought his wife up soon after she mentioned they could try squiggle hugging after.
This woman is fascinating. No fluff, no bs, very knowable, and well spoken. Very enthusiastic without draining your energy, very instructive without being a know-it-all. And a voice that is easy to listen to.
I've been seeing her book randomly in book stores and it's been a suggested book in my audible account. When the universe speaks, you listen! haha, great interview Tom! I'm definitely going to take a listen to her book. Thanks for having her on the show!
Oooooh the "neutral goofy face" made my day!! XD That said, it was a really lighthearted, yet deep and highly insightful interview. This feeds the curiosity towards her book and work. Decoding (troubleshooting)personality traits(and not only that) of oneself and people in our environment is a handy skill, as well as processing what happens at specific moments in our lives. Also,it fits well with attempts to hack one's mind. I wanted to thank you, Tom, for your feedback on my own comment on one of your quotes on Twitter. Was either quit or linchpin. Chose to linchpin, a client became a partner for the company I work for. Is nothing much, but it meant a lot to me. Was a great day. I was not expecting any response on the retweet, but that was one hell of an early morning wake-up call! Thank you!
This was awesome, I sat down and this hour basically flew by, and I was like at the end "this was awesome" - in a kinda calm and relaxed way saying that. She's definitely has a powerful and serene aura around her! Great start to my day 👍👍👍
Hi Tom! Doing a remarkable job Can I have sister Vanessa what's number and yours plz I was reading her presentation on "Three types of Lie" Commission,Omission and influence.
I tried not being awkward my whole life with the stupid belief that you need to fit in and be liked by everybody, only to find out that you are supposed to be awkward in order to feel happy.
Key thing for me was go out and be social with a lot of people, be actively aware of what's happening in those situations, and then analyze after the fact (for which the theory is very helpful). You can even discuss it with them in the conversations themselves :p
The interview is actually much better than what its misleading title suggested so IMHO just keep it true without unnecessary clickbaits. Great guest, very informative material. I've learnt quite a few things. Thanks.
Tom is smart. He knows what awaits ANY man who makes a connection with an attractive woman, even if it's not sexual. Without constant wife references, he's doomed to months if not years of that being pulled up when needed. That's Man Life 101.😉
What I love the most about when she speaks, is the distinct control of her amplitude without having to increase it's wavelength - literally breathtaking. A classic example of form derived from the inoperable. Forget her eyes - look for the mandible; essentially driven without loss of energy. She holds the look captive and yet - still engaged. Kudos Tom for keeping it together under such a nuanced microscope; particularly one with an acute Xenohormesis. Wasn't hard to tell, she so wanted you, to talk about science. That may not be the truth, but that too is reality.
She's so good when it comes to answering questions and she is so confident and so beautiful i would love to have that confident, specially when it comes to talking to people. Thank you guys!🙂
im actually so shocked this was an hour long and i sat listening with no breaks, i generally struggle to focus but i think i really resonated with a lot Vanessa said wow
I love Vanessa. This individual speaks my language. That awkward side smile grin Vanessa has & sparkle in her eyes, speaks volumes to me. Venessa was in control from the beginning, you Tom, have zero control, regardless of your media/PR training.
Vanessa Van Edwards you are the inspiration of my being! Your ability to translate what and why we respond the way we do is so insightful and this video blew my mind! Thank you!
I realized how happy I have been in comparison to others when I hear these conversations … People OVER THINK everything now a days! Life can be simple and incredible beautiful if one just stop trying to “find” a hidden meaning in everything one do, experience, hear, feel, etc, etc! Too much noice, if one wants to “figure things out”.
29:00 she talks about only going to friends who share her excitement and are happy for her. I also want my close friends to not be happy for my choices if they can see from the outside that I am making a mistake. This to me is more important as it indicates that they actually care about your decisions and are willing to discuss it with you. Those who hide behind the "I didn't tell you because I don't want you to feel bad" only perpetuate your problems, and will also talk about your poor choices to others behind your back.
She does value inconvenient truths, she spoke of its importance often. I think in the case you mention, she was wanting to know if close friends really are wanting the best for you....the way she would tell is if something genuinely good happened to her...no negatives side to it at all....would they share her happiness? Or would there be a touch of jealousy or schadenfreude or other such sinister feelings. I don't think this should be confused with the inconvenient truths you hope you get from good frienshops
People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that’s bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they’re wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it. That’s what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain. The most important kind of freedom is to be what you really are. You trade in your reality for a role. You trade in your sense for an act. You give up your ability to feel, and in exchange, put on a mask. There can't be any large-scale revolution until there's a personal revolution, on an individual level. It's got to happen inside first.” Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free. A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself-and especially to feel, or not feel. Whatever you happen to be feeling at any moment is fine with them. That's what real love amounts to - letting a person be what he really is. That's what real love amounts to - letting a person be what he really is. Most people love you for who you pretend to be. To keep their love, you keep pretending - performing. You get to love your pretence. It's true, we're locked in an image, an act - and the sad thing is, people get so used to their image, they grow attached to their masks. They love their chains. They forget all about who they really are. And if you try to remind them, they hate you for it, they feel like you're trying to steal their most precious possession. ― _Jim Morrison_
Whenever you find those titles, do not trust they are going to tell you exactly what they mean, because it's just a hook for the audience and it takes a consult with a psychologist to find out the answer. As a recommendation, I just simply take notes on that and see what can be helpful.
This was definitely a wonderful interview! I could tell you were absorbing the information just as much as us. Lots to reflect on and Vanessa is a breath of fresh air and a ray of sunshine haha
This is really interesting & useful. I just figured out that in my family, I am the only extrovert; my ex, my daughter, & my son are all introverts. That causes alot of bad energy when we live all under the same roof. My kids are adults now & I didn't realize I was stepping on their need for quiet time without knowing it over the past 10 years:(
I didn't use to believe in Psychic abilities, clairvoyance, clairaudience, clairsentience etc. either. Until I had a conversation with these 2 highly spiritual people, on seperate occasions (one a spirtual teacher, the other a barber) and I didn't say a word and they just responded to my thoughts the entire time. I literally tested them so many times and they just laughed as I thought different thoughts to see if they were actually reading my mind. They didn't fail once. I literally ran around and jumped in shock and awe haha
Great point Vanessa :) I've heard of the power of gratitude, and I've attempted the practice of cultivating it, but, I lacked a "trigger" that would iron the point home. At the end of the day I'd think of what I *could* have been grateful for, and focused upon the highpoints and even do a spiral meditation (grateful for working lungs, grateful for feet etc) which was somewhat helpful, but, I was stagnating with in-the-present-moment gratitude/appreciating the now (which, I feel is a greater power). Your "red light of gratitude" concept is excellent, and a wonderful way to rewire. To answer your question, I'm using a sink full of dishes. In about 3 months I will see if adding an additional one will compound the effects. Thank you again! Great interview, you brought the genuineness out of Tom as well.
Vanessa, some people walk in to a room and don’t give a stuff and don’t think about anything and are not confident. I love how your analysis is so definitive the way you speak
What about introverts that feel awkward mostly in situations where interactions seem artificial? They don't like to engage in fake small talk
@@jesseperez4185 That's one path, a little harder to travel for autistic people and the like, but "do-able" if the desire/ drive is strong enough.
Another, less traveled, road is that of peaceful solitude, taught by one of Owen's mentors, in Eckhart Tolle and his teachings on being present to oneself and/or learning to sense the wants/ needs of the deeper "spirit".
I'm inclined to believe that strong introverts and autistic people, who aren't too far along the spectrum as to be "non-functioning", are actually quite blessed, in the sense that they're wired to have an easier time treading the latter path that I mentioned. I think we're conditioned by society to believe that you're a failure if you don't have a lot of friends or an easy time making friends, but that's only one perspective, and a very myopic one at that, at least IMO.
Spiritual goals always trump material goals, IMO. For example, the goal to be generally at peace trumps the goal of having a big social circle and a high level of "game" in the dating scene, which just so happens to have the same underlying goal if you dig a bit deeper into it - it's only a less direct path (the latter one of seeking peace materially) that's more prone to errors and suffering along the way.
YES!
That's exactly how I feel.
What's helped me is to focus on my interests. I didn't realize I was projecting a lot of heavy emotions onto people I just met and they don't know what to do with such personal information before an intimacy has formed. Not every person wants intimacy either so I have to respect people's boundaries. I think I'm getting better at realizing when I'm oversharing now but I'm a work in progress.
But yeah... I have the same problem. I crave intimacy but feel like I project it onto people. I don't know how to form it.
just listening and watching her talk is infectious. Imagine working for someone who truly understands your strengths, weakness and if struggling to understand will take the time and effort to help. Amazing
I had exactly the same thought and took it to the extent to wonder if I could possibly work/intern with her?!?
I agree 💯%
@@cyborgjoe1000 do you have specific examples of her supposed masking of anxiety? Btw masking is something a lot of people do, including myself, when we can't be in a safe environment
Yeaaaah, you would need about 10x the amount of bosses at your work, all educated in psychology. Does that sound plausible to you? Maybe what you should do is to be able to be that person for yourself or have a friend catch you when youre down. Not rely on an imaginary workplace.
@@adrianflo6481 well you clearly won't get a job there 😂
Tom is a fantastic interviewer. He doesn’t let her skate over anything without explanation and clarification bringing so much more meaning and validity to her statements. She clearly knows what she’s talking about because she had a concise and coherent answer for everything. Very impressive interview all round 👏
Totally true, he is amazing.
He's obviously smart but I'm starting to wonder if he can make one comment without mentioning his wife. I get it but damn I could only last 20 min. Wife wife wife wife. Wow
He read the books before hand on every interview he goes completely prepare to them all the time.
I agree! So enjoyable!
@@struttintime-I like how this opens the door into his own life! Sharing this makes him so much more relatable.
Man, every time she smiles I find my self smiling too.
What a charismatic woman! Awesome!
And what I love most is that she's trained herself to be that way!
Nate Ivgn I found myself smiling too when she smiles. I actually looked through the comments to see if anyone else was doing the same. She is so charismatic.
Trista
Nate Ivgn
Yes so true ♡ I couldn't agree more
And the hand gestures are so rhythmic as she explains.
The comment about neuroticism, " the more I worry about these things, the less likely they are to happen", I feel like that's mischaracterized a bit. As a neurotic person myself, I don't think bad things wont happen, I just feel like ill be prepared and it wont ruin the goals of the day or event. Maybe I'm Different that way, but I always saw it as being prepared for the bad, rather than the neuroticism keeping the bad thing from happening.
I loved the talk! Definitely have a new book to check out
Thanks for watching ❤ I hope you enjoy my book!
I love that she doesn't immediately go to taking offense or thinking something is wrong with herself when people do certain things. She reads the person and trys to find how they are feeling and why.
I used to have social anxiety sooo bad to the point that any person even looking at me is swear, shake & blush. I lived in that misery from I was a child til 23 years old & now I feel completely free from it , it’s amazing !!!!
What did you do?
What's the secret??
Pleasee
I had it from 18 to 30. I would say im 95% over it, only some occasions would it come back but its nowhere near as severe. Im 36 now.
I got over it from general life experience. Inadvertently being in situations which helped me develop as a person. Make sense? Also ill add that the older you get the less you care about what people think of you.
I love that for you. Practicing becoming comfortable with being uncomfortable helped me to overcome anxiety. I intentionally put myself into situations that caused me to stretch and grow. Adding new “tools to my toolkit” helped me build confidence and credibility with myself. Finding my voice also helped. I practiced engaging with people in person. Now, people are drawn to my authenticity and ability to connect on a personal level.
The moment Tom does the “goofy neutral face” I almost lost it with laughter. I enjoy his openness on these talks
I did lose it with laughter. I just love Tom. And Oh, so impressed with Vanessa. Captivating!
IT WAS SO SO FUNNY!! I loled so hard
I did lose it lmao XD Wasn't expecting to laugh watching this.
Stoned
Agreed. I laughed so hard. Then I rewinded and laughed again.
This has to be the greatest discussion about social skills I've ever seen. This woman has now opened my mind on how to recover from problems I deal with amongst coworkers at work. I love it!!!
10:32 - The big 5 personality traits:
Openness- how adventurous you are
Conscientiousness- how organized you are
Extroversion- how you like being around people
Agreeableness- how you work on teams, if you default to 'yes' or 'no'
Neuroticism- how you approach worry
It was fun reading your definitions as its shows a lot more about your own biases. You are also trying to oversimplify to the point where you come off as slightly ignorant. "the big 5" is not scientific nor is any personality "explanation" because of the fact that psychology is not science. Neurobiology is the science that garners behaviour.
Openness - "includes aspects such as intellectual curiosity and creative imagination". Adventure has nothing to do with it.
Extraversion has nothing to do with liking people. We are all omniverts and Its more about the conscious act to be around people. I say conscious because not spending time with others and not spending time on yourself are equally as bad for your mental health. "introverts" are no less sociable or disliking of others than extroverts.
Organizational skill is a part of what is called executive functioning. Conscientiousness on the other hand has nothing to do with organizing but awareness. You can be extremely aware but shit at organizing. Tho they tend to be correlated
Agreeableness has nothing to do with defaulting to yes or no. You are taking context completely out of the picture. Agreeableness is a multitude of behaviours, were one person can see cooperation another sees weakness.
No one "approaches worry". You "handle" worry. You approach situations. Neuroticism can also be described with intellectual, analysing, cautions and an affinity to solve emotional problems to alleviate stress in your near environment.
PS: The point is that all of these have positive and negative consequences and not the dichotomous picture you painted.
@@adrianflo6481 They were actually just using Vanessa's definitions from the video
@@colinwingate2999 lol. That is even worse then 😂😂
Imagine believing that there's a personality trait for liking other humans. Liking is not the problem with anti social personalities. You make it sound as if it's the person's own fault.
Thanks, gave me a good laugh
@@adrianflo6481 ughh..the kind of person who argues black is white.. it's not if you 'like' people or not, just do you naturally gravitate to be around other people because your derive enjoyment from it, or not. Being introverted I prefer to not be around a lot of people, especially loud extroverted people; however, that does not mean I do not like them
@@adrianflo6481 it's OCEAN, backed by science 10:20 - like did u even watch
Something about Vanessa, she is so captivating that it's impossible to forget her.
In a good way
I do enjoy a good AI comment…
As an introvert, I engage most with elaborate archetypical talking points and nuance; I find it really hard to make small talk with people and often find that a lot of people just aren't open to elaborating for in depth conversation and it's hard to determine if that boundary is set because they don't want you to cross it or if it's because they don't belive what they have to say is worth saying.
A lot of people are closed off simply because they want to avoid rejection, and I hate prying for fear of over-stepping boundaries.
Oh my, how well I can relate. Her description of the phases of a relationship (even a peripheral friendship or an acquaintance at a social gathering) is interesting, and rings true, I think, and I think maybe going through them "properly" comes naturally for the average person and/or for more extroverted people, but is not super easy for people like you and I, or at least it sure isn't for me, anyway, because I just can't do small talk. If I try, it comes off as fake, because gosh, it is. And people don't respond well to fake, so. I have this way of just boldly striding into my talking points, in a way that presumes a lot, and if it's immediately clear that my presumptions were wrong, well then I just go back to my book.
@Shavais Zarathu I boldly stride into my talking points, and I tend to be accurate in my assessments the majority of the time; let me tell you, that it tends to go down just about as well as getting it wrong haha
@@spazic1493 Lol! Yes indeed.
I find some people really easy to talk to. Others much less so. It's worth persisting though.
In 30:30 when she talks about Psychic energy (she says she thinks a lot so maybe she just hasn’t been educated on psychic energy) but it is real. In my culture it is very real. I like to think of it more as understanding brainwaves. Kind of like when you play a random song that came in to your head and the person next to you says I was literally just thinking of that song.
Not only is her smile SO contagious in the best way, but she has a wonderful genuine laugh as well. Im fascinated by her. Such an inspiration
That dog experiment she talked about was so interesting and how it relates to humans to unlearn helplessness and become HAPPY.
Yeah, that experiment on learned helplessness is crazy!
Sheesh, I was looking up videos on Sicily because I just found out I’m 20% Italian. How did I end up here, I didn’t expect to watch this whole video. She got me, I’m buying her book.
I know right! .. same story here!
Yesssss
Lpppp
it happes ALL THE TIME!
@HotMessMom it happens ALL THE TIME!
I've actually just finished reading her book, "Captivate." It's seriously been insane just how helpful all of these tools have worked not only in my business but in my social life. I'm a new Mom and my "sparkling personality" suddenly left me half way through my pregnancy and into motherhood. Cue the serious awkwardness once finally joining the adult world again. Her book and channel taught me many tricks of the trade but also highlighted some not so flattering things I was doing even before this new chapter in my life hit.
So awesome you're interviewing her. I watch both you and her content almost daily. What a special treat to come across today. Thanks, you two!
Do you have notes from the book? Or can you summarise it? Like the actionable tips??
Many thanks back at you Vanessa. Funny enough when I landed my first weekly dj gig back, I branded the weekly event as, "Thrive." Inspired by your quote, "Go where you Thrive not simply where you survive!"
Can you give an example?
Kilma Tempa t
This is a really good Funnel
damn, that was intriguing! She radiates healthy charisma and authenticity...and her energy pulled me out of my dark brooding in seconds! Time well spent.
I think she can use more work but this is really interesting
Also, the close ups during these interviews are fantastic, it makes such a difference for the viewer, it keeps me engaged as if I were there, part of the conversation instead of simply an observer.
I was thinking the same thing
Totally agree with this comment
6:00
Introverts are very good at observing.
Naturally charismatic can walk into a room and not worry about what to talk about.
And introvert can see it as a battleground or a playground.
Which is what helps her to see interactions in a more formulaic way.
she used to read academic studies and then write about it as a journalists.
To set herself apart, she started testing it on herself, or in a lab.
7:42
It came from a desire to differentiate herself from other journalists and also to solve people.
Like a math problem.
To not be so baffled by people’s choices.
10:20
Big five personality traits
Openness, Conscientiousness, Extroversion, Aggreeableness, Neuroticism
Openness-
Neuroticism- how someone approaches worry.
Conscientiousness- how much you like organization or routine
Agreeableness- if they default to yes or no.
13:54
In western cultures there is an ideal personality type for women and men.
For women the ideal personality type is:
We can guess personality type by what’s on your walls.
15:36
High neurotics use more motivational quotes
High neurotics have less of a gene that helps produce serotonin fast.
19:10
Certain personality traits actually are better as opposites
Your first word in that comment was obviously supposed to be extrovert, not introvert. This one mistake makes your whole comment bs yet 52 people liked it. Not surprising. Most people are stupid.
@@artichokeheartbreak2279 LMAOOO
At one of the stop lights on my way to work there is a sign, no right turn on red during a walk signal. Although I always feel rushed and anxious on my way to work, usually there is a man walking his daughter to school that will push the walk button and I have to wait for them to cross the intersection. He is huge, if you were looking for someone to play Paul Bunyan in a movie he would be a good fit. I find that watching him walk his daughter to school is so soothing. I could sit and watch them all day. He is a huge man with a full beard and his daughter is so small probably five or six years old. It gives me such a feeling of comfort to see this tiny little girl who is being protected by this massive man. It makes me feel that that is how life is supposed to be.
Vanessa your categorisation of types of friends was interesting. In my mind only the high value people would be considered friends. Everyone is an associate. It saves a lot of anxiety
I love this episode! Human interaction and social skills has a hugely obsessive passion of mine ever since I learned as a teenager that I could learn and practice my way out of my own crippling shyness! Highest impact points for me:
1. Learning how to find systems and behaviors that balance, or even leverage, your inherent traits. Specifically on neuroticism the realization that if you are high-neurotic you can jump-start your self soothing by keeping inspiring imagery and quotes highly visible at all times. Like you, Tom, I keep a list of impactful quotes and follow a few instagram channels. However, after this interview I think I would rate myself as high-neurotic when it comes to business and my professional life so I am going to experiment with significantly increasing the visibility of that inspiring material.
2. "Our mental space is finite ... I thought that mental space was sort of endless, right? You could learn forever. You could think about things forever. But actually, we only have a certain amount of mental time every day."
This was a huge perception shift for me that I am excited to dive deeper into. I immediately realized that I, too, sort of just unconsciously neglected the time-cost of thinking about things, which I think extends beyond even just whether or not someone likes us but frankly into the entire way that you choose to budget your daily mental time. Time spent thinking about useless or negative stuff is literally time lost that you could have been learning or thinking about something valuable or positive. That is powerful!
3. On facial expressions and structure. Just an interesting anecdote from my own experience: I have experimented with intentionally "wearing the expressions" of characters that I like from movies and TV shows. Particularly if that character is being portrayed by a very skilled and experienced actor. I noticed that when I do this it radically changes the way that people engage with me. One my favorite examples is when I spent some time trying to emulate the mannerisms and hyper-intentional facial expressions that James Spader uses when portraying Raymond Reddington on the blacklist. The transformative effect was enormous: people treated me with more respect and you could tell they assumed I was important or powerful in the way that they deferred to me, even total strangers. Really fun stuff!
--
By the time I was half way through the episode I had already opened a new tab and grabbed a copy of Vanessa's book, I'm excited to dive in. I find this stuff utterly fascinating and I love her energy and enthusiasm for the topic and I find her approach to studying and learning so totally relatable.
Thank-you for the great content, as always!
Please recommend some good books for social skills
If are someone who doesn't like parties and small talk...just accept that. When someone asks you to go just say no I don't like parties. Who cares what they think. Don't feel guilty about not talking to people when you don't want to. Then when you do want to talk to somebody, allow yourself that pleasure. If there is no self applied pressure you will feel much more natural because you are never being fake
Everyone is different but I personally find that pushing myself is what motivates me. If I accept just not liking things it just creates an excuse. A prime example is roller coasters, I always was like nahhhh I’m afraid - until now that I’m later on in life I can let go, have fun and it honestly is a blast (that I would have missed out on if I didn’t push myself).
Sure, but successful people generally need to socialize with their peers
Where are u supposed to start...with some deep invasive conversation with a stranger. "Small talk" has a purpose. It's so u can gradually get to know/build trust so you can talk about the real sh*t
@@Gecko88 This is exactly how I operate. Because my friends don't feel entitled to my time and understand that people are different, I still have them when I need them and vice versa. They respect my boundaries, and I respect theirs regardless of how "piss weak" they may feel to either of us.
"How can I lose when I'm already chose? Like...?"
I thin thats where the famous saying comes “put itself in the most uncomfortable situation to build the best of you”
After 3 years of this talk's release, I keep coming back to it. Vanessa is such a badass.
I'm going to use her technique of turning unpleasant events into something I can enjoy and appreciate. It all boils down to changing perspective and labels that we have unconsciously given to things that we've deemed to be a source of our unhappiness.
Omg the part of the conversation when they discuss frenimies and dream killers is sooo helpful! I feel seen! It’s so true… wondering whether someone is an enemy is so much more taxing emotionally than dealing with a known enemy. Lack of Psychological safety in the workplace impacts performance big time.
She didn't have to tell me she was high on neuroticism, I could tell within the first few moments :) The fast talking and strong need to understand people. I love her knowledge!
That's great
What knowledge? Most of the things she says are common sense.
@@owlNolan they aren't as obvious as all your CZcams comments being a painfully obvious way for you to try and feel powerful and push away low self esteem 😉 Hope you get better 🙏
@@owlNolan The tips are always common sense but it's applying then do they feel seamless in a tense situation that makes it breaks whether it is legit.
Anyone can type a comment anonymously but not all people can apply it in person consistently.
This is truly fascinating. She really knows what she is talking about and is extremely clear about teaching it to us. Thank you Vanessa!
The one thing she didn't talk about that I thought would be beneficial to add to all the great content that she shared, is the awareness of our point of relativity when it comes to our happiness. She mentioned one time about writing our level of happiness in terms of the things we do throughout the day, and one of those tasks was laundry. I just so happened to have lost my laundry washing ability recently and after taking several trips to the laundromat I realize how much more grateful I am for having had the ability to do my laundry at home. Sometimes changing our relativity or our perspective or point of reference to something can greatly change our level of happiness
first few minutes of interview is awkward, however, KEEP WATCHING........this is gold!!!!!!!
RAW FOOD PHILOSOPHY glad someone else picked up on that.....almost felt forced
Hmmm...maybe I'll give it another chance, based on your comment. I'm 5min in and just like oh my god please stop talking about hugs.
Yeah, I felt that. I felt uncomfortable watching her at the start, like she was trying to read and study him rather than being present.
Suuuuuuuper awkward lol
@@JuanGarcia-ww4eb I felt that as well!!!! Was not organic flow at first definitely felt forced but they forged on and settled into a great give and take, then it was awesome!we all struggle to find that connection sometimes for one reason or another.
Wow not only is she gorgeous, but she is super smart and well articulated! WCW
Right! #PissedShesMarried
@@Bryan-vo1sf well even if she wasn't married, the odds of one of us in the comments meeting her and dating her are like 1 out of 200 million anyway haha
WCW vs NWO
She is almost perfect
@Hannah Bartle lol cry more.
I’m ecstatic I found this amazing women!! I was always awkward and highly neurotic and learning this amazing woman has both these traits. I actually cried with relief, look at her!!! We can all get there. Invaluable, I rang my partner, (usually my podcast time is private, its my thing).. I need to share this one.. he’s like wow! You’re so excited and intrigued! This is a genuine light up! I feel a deeper understanding instantly to myself ❤ thank you for this podcast 🙏 xx
woman* with an "a". singular. lol
Tom you do this show for free, just because you like to explore and help the world....here is a sincere message from a complete stranger: THANK YOU!!!
Cool and all, but... For free? :D Dude has 2 million+ subs. I can only imagine what he is being paid.
@@baksug true...but its not subscription material, anyone can watch without spending a dime
The guy is a billionaire. He’s doing this for free pretty much
@@Stierenkloot isn't that what i wrote?
"How do you sculpt a garden of friendship?" Now that's a question I never thought about. Kinda reminds me of manicured landscaping, such a chore to maintain.
This is probably my first comment on youtube ever. And as a German I never thought it would be one under an english speaking video. But this video was so amazing, useful and caring at the same time, I feel the need to say "Thank you"! I feel understood and got a good amount of things to think about and (re)analyze myself. Thank you very much!
I think Americans just love talking so much about themselves so much, if you allow someone to chat so long, and add to their ego, people will like you!
great interview but i didn't get the answer to "how to liberate yourself from social anxiety"
Exactly
She does an interview on that topic on his wife's channel 'women of impact'.
Exactly.
It feels like false advertising.
I like her mission to "wake people up" so we have more quality interactions with each other! 🙌🏾And as for self-soothing, WOW! Who knew...
I do too!
What is her advise on logistical soothing and emotional soothing. Of course there are logistical and emotional issues. But what is her point
Me too!!
9:00 that smile from someone who knows all the tricks
What a FANTASTICLY intriguing conversation!!! I could listen to her voice all day long!
By far one of Tom’s best interviews, with Goggins being his best and she’s a very close second. Every minute of this interview was full educational useful nuggets that bought tremendous self awareness. I think so many times we naturally just listen to words being spoken, rather than the body language and tone. Hope she’s on Tom’s show in the very near future.
Yes, I would like to see Goggins back!
I wonder how childhood trauma impacts the development of the big 5 traits and some of the other research studies she mentioned. Like would someone with PTSD more accurately pick up on smelling fear or would they inaccurately overestimate it, because their amygdala is already over-activated? Such fascinating topics and what a charismatic speaker!
As someone who had severe trauma, a lot of what she said didn’t really fit me. For instance, I’m a total worrier. I’m also the one who’s the calmest in high stress situations though, because I had to adapt to constant danger essentially. I also am someone who is obsessed with structure, organization, etc, but my car is super cluttered; because I struggle with feeling like I might need something one day and not have it. I’m known for being insanely outgoing and bubbly, but if you catch me in a gym/certain environments, I’m insanely introverted. I feel like you would have to be able to ask the whys for it to work, rather than going on those visual cues. People with trauma tend to be so outside of social norms in random ways that this wouldn’t work as well.
Vanessa: " I like to think of people like an Onion" Tom without missing a beat : " Makes you cry and you don't wanna cut it?" LOL
Vanessa "but delicious when cooked" lol
I like to look at people as unopened gifts. You have to meet and get to know them to see what’s inside and you eventually show them your gift too
Should I say it? Yes.. Impact Theory Phenomenon Strikes Again!
First I want to point out the changes that I saw
1. IT Coffee mugs, love how they completed the logo, and almost stayed that way during the episode. I did miss the glow that the glasses bring to the table.
2. Impact Theory logo on the left side of the screen, great choice for when people use the content for their vidoes "Goal Cast" *Cough* *Cough*. Did notice that started on the Jason episode.
3. Tom you were a lot more open/free during this episode, I felt more of the vibe that I get from you when you are doing Facebook live. I am thinking it had to do with the guest, and the atmosphere that she brought.
4. Something about how the outro music played at the end, made me feel like I just watched a awesome movie.
5. New ending graphics, LOVE IT. Mad props to the graphic designer.
Other things to note
1. GOD DAMN, Talk about captivating. Vanessa is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. Perfect 10
2. Information overload, I felt my brain short circuiting. it was just like a lot of stuff to take in, and it was great.
3. She just a lot of great stuff to say, I must get this book.
4. I was also listening to "528Hz Release Inner Conflict & Struggle | Anti Anxiety Cleanse - Stop Overthinking, Worry & Stress" before I started watching this episode and kept it playing the whole time, and it added a nice touch to how I received it.
I noticed he was more open this episode too - I wonder if it was because he was interviewing a body language specialist... :)
Yeah, I want to say it was because he was interviewing a body language specialist, but I would also like to believe we are just seeing the evolution and growth of Tom.
Duuuuuude! This breakdown is awesome! Thanks for taking the time. And thanks for noticing all of our changes. Always trying to improve!! And totally agree that Vanessa has so many amazing ideas that it's hard to keep up. Enjoy her book! It's phenomenal.
The neutral goofy face 🤣🤣🤣
I’m only 36 minutes in and I’ve already saved this and shared it. Amazing discussion.
Tom is the ultimate hype man. The best part of every episode
Haha. Thank you. ;-)
*Believe in yourself. You are braver than you think and more talented than you know, and capable of more than you can imagine. Keep putting in the work…*
Love love LOVE This is so profoudly positive and true!
"remember that you are braver than you believe, stronger than you think & smarter than you seem. Know that that I will always be with you"
- Christopher Robin Winnie the Pooh
(School (skull rock) rock)
I needed to hear this today.
Her smile is contagious
Random tangent - When I’m looking for strong charismatic women role models, I always end up on Tom’s channel. I really appreciate the real conversations on deep subjects and 50/50 male/female guests. It doesn’t feel like you’re doing it intentionally, rather you seem truly fascinated and intrigued by your female guests based solely on their ideas, which is how it should be. I’m not a feminist or anything but sometimes you just want to listen to life advice from girl-Joe Rogan. Cheers Tom for providing a space for young, impressionable girls to hear about real life from real women.
I agree with you! :)
W
Yes.! I wish both men and women. boys and girls. looked up to people like Tom and the guests that he has on his show rather than these celebrities that only teach you how to be superficial. This is the best channel on youtube for information on all aspects of life for real. I love this.
This woman is awesome!!! So well spoken and so knowledgeable!!!
Thank you so much! 🙏
Tom, you ask some of the best questions. You're like the male Oprah, seriously
Thank you!
Only genuine.
Nah, joe rogan is
Great compliment. Only, I'd say, there's no one like Tom
@Mara Bumbuc indeed he tries to dominate the conversation even if it's not needed but his content is great.
Optimize for how you are naturally wired. I love it! I'm an introvert with anxiety. I really needed to hear this.
What a great interview and not a boring moment. That hour went quick.
thought it was boring as hell
@@michaelclarke1716 yeah the beginning was cringy to me. I imagined wayyy better.
@@stewiegriffin1938Like what? What did you imagine to be better? Do you know or do you not know?
As an autistic person all of this is just... how I and many other autistic people live. Analyzing people, acting based on others, bluntness/honesty, making things optimized to work with you and not society...
is it exhausting? as an anxious person i feel so tired from it all
I am 100% with you. I am also autistic, and when she describes herself here and in the interview with Lewis Howes (also on CZcams) she describes an autistic person.
She mentioned all the traits I was asked about when I had my diagnosis.
38:39 is a really cool super villain face. Her resting bit@h face is so cool. Both of them have that supervillain killer look. love the information in this video!
I have a flat affect with athymhormic syndrome from brain damage I suffered as a child after being mutilated and the wound getting infected.
I am really fascinated by this. I've been working on myself for a long time. This is wonderful.
Thank you!
Thank you for sharing. You chose to work on yourself, making u very aware. You are doing well.
Love her view on honesty!!! I love being a radical honest person. But it's so hard to find people to be vulnerable with you or accept you through your truths and being so direct. Its hard to drop all the friends but less is really more. And genuine people many be hard to find but don't fill the space u could spend on yourself and self care with people who are living their real truth in being organic and accountable.
Yes it is a lonely place, at least for me it is, I have no one to talk to other than myself, but I'm happy to be my own person and not let anyone take advantage of me. I hope I can find a real friend tho
This was amazing! Also a recovering awkward person, but couldn't' recover or teach my children without all this great information Vanessa, thank you!
A recovering awkward person. What do you know about the struggles of addiction and obsessive tendencies? Cause you sure make it sound like the small talk at work is as hard as mental illness.
@@adrianflo6481 are you stupid? Where in the heck are you getting the idea that they're compairing their experience of being awkward to being addicted to something. Do u know what the word (recovering) f***ing means? What happens after you break you arm?... you recover! What happens after you get into a car accident and youre in the hospital?... you recover! So in their case, whatever impact awkwardness had on their lives, they are now adressing and RECOVERING from. Happy to tell you, recovering is not solely reserved to people that use or are addicted to something. So stop reaching and drawing stupid BS conclusions from nothingness.
This lady just stole my heart, not because she is beautiful but she just spoke my heart. Yeah not being awkward she is adorable and her voice too. She is just amazing.
this interview should have waaaayyy more views... her comunication skills are so good to the point where you dont feel like this is an interview half way .
jiji21 i think this is one of her best interviews, he’s good at setting up a welcoming environment
I was thinking about watching this for a few minute and I end up watching the entire video. It was so good.
Crissy samuels right?! Me too :)
The ways she talks is so contagious and her makeup is spot on!!!
Love this episode, I immediately downloaded Vanessa’s book. Bingeing your channel right now Tom, you rock!! Thank you for all the amazing content.
Haha so I'm not alone
How is the book, I've read books on social dynamics and I'm so awkward that I sometimes have too much thinking going on instead of just letting go and letting things happen.Its like hesitation because I don't wanna say something stupid.Im afraid reading into this will make me more award lol.
I agree!
Thank you so much! I hope you love it!
He referenced his wife many times; such a good husband
Or insecure wife 😁
He’d better. He was all into that woman
Thank you for saying that I'll do that
He is obously atract to her... he looks like a insecure girl from highschool mentioning his boyfriend
Men do that if they think the other woman is flirting with them or if they find the other woman attractive. He brought his wife up soon after she mentioned they could try squiggle hugging after.
This woman is fascinating. No fluff, no bs, very knowable, and well spoken. Very enthusiastic without draining your energy, very instructive without being a know-it-all. And a voice that is easy to listen to.
Thank you for your kind words! ♥
I've been seeing her book randomly in book stores and it's been a suggested book in my audible account. When the universe speaks, you listen! haha, great interview Tom! I'm definitely going to take a listen to her book. Thanks for having her on the show!
I think you're going to love her book. The universe is right on the money with this one. ;-)
Algorithms that analyze your reading habits are the universe :D
Oooooh the "neutral goofy face" made my day!! XD That said, it was a really lighthearted, yet deep and highly insightful interview. This feeds the curiosity towards her book and work. Decoding (troubleshooting)personality traits(and not only that) of oneself and people in our environment is a handy skill, as well as processing what happens at specific moments in our lives. Also,it fits well with attempts to hack one's mind.
I wanted to thank you, Tom, for your feedback on my own comment on one of your quotes on Twitter. Was either quit or linchpin. Chose to linchpin, a client became a partner for the company I work for. Is nothing much, but it meant a lot to me. Was a great day. I was not expecting any response on the retweet, but that was one hell of an early morning wake-up call! Thank you!
Love that! I remember that tweet well. Glad it hit you as intended. Linchpins rule the world. Enjoy that new status. You'll crush it, I have no doubt!
Vanessa Van Edwards is probably my favorite living human female
Wow - I'm so honored! ♥
I've been watching her videos since 2015. It helped me communicate better. I'm so glad she's finally on Impact Theory! Thanks Tom!
This was awesome, I sat down and this hour basically flew by, and I was like at the end "this was awesome" - in a kinda calm and relaxed way saying that.
She's definitely has a powerful and serene aura around her! Great start to my day 👍👍👍
Definitely the concept of ambivalent relationships. It made me realize a lot of things, answered some questions for me! 😉
Hi Tom!
Doing a remarkable job
Can I have sister Vanessa what's number and yours plz
I was reading her presentation on "Three types of Lie"
Commission,Omission and influence.
I tried not being awkward my whole life with the stupid belief that you need to fit in and be liked by everybody, only to find out that you are supposed to be awkward in order to feel happy.
What do you mean by that? How does happiness require awkwardness
@@Urine666Deity i think he means just be yourself regardless if it's awkward or not.
You don’t have to be awkward; just be yourself
Neutral goofy face killed me 😂😂😂😂
Key thing for me was go out and be social with a lot of people, be actively aware of what's happening in those situations, and then analyze after the fact (for which the theory is very helpful). You can even discuss it with them in the conversations themselves :p
The interview is actually much better than what its misleading title suggested so IMHO just keep it true without unnecessary clickbaits. Great guest, very informative material. I've learnt quite a few things. Thanks.
Tom is so fun and funny. He's like a little kid in an amazing candy shop of knowledge.
I’m totally feeling vibes in this interview! And find it cute how Tom keeps bringing it back to his wife 😂🙊
Tom is smart. He knows what awaits ANY man who makes a connection with an attractive woman, even if it's not sexual. Without constant wife references, he's doomed to months if not years of that being pulled up when needed. That's Man Life 101.😉
@@jckay5087 I give Lisa far more credit than that… buuuut better to be safe than sorry 😉
What I love the most about when she speaks, is the distinct control of her amplitude without having to increase it's wavelength - literally breathtaking. A classic example of form derived from the inoperable. Forget her eyes - look for the mandible; essentially driven without loss of energy.
She holds the look captive and yet - still engaged. Kudos Tom for keeping it together under such a nuanced microscope; particularly one with an acute Xenohormesis. Wasn't hard to tell, she so wanted you, to talk about science. That may not be the truth, but that too is reality.
this Tom dudes voice😍 soo soothing
so happy you brought on Vanessa! Love her videos and all the knowledge she shares!
Yeah, she's amazing!
'are they really happy for me?' is a KEY question that i've come to on my own.. this video was confirmation of that and so much more ✨
She's smart, beautiful, always smiling; making science research ... don't know what to say else The perfect woman 😍
looks like
Vanessa Van Edwards is a boundless ocean knowledge on human behaviour. "Fascinating"
She's so good when it comes to answering questions and she is so confident and so beautiful i would love to have that confident, specially when it comes to talking to people. Thank you guys!🙂
♥♥
This woman is so beautiful in so many ways!!!!!!
To compliment the above stated I want to share a quote
"Beauty is not just an image
It's a form" she posseses the
form
im actually so shocked this was an hour long and i sat listening with no breaks, i generally struggle to focus but i think i really resonated with a lot Vanessa said wow
Same. It’s amazing.
I love Vanessa. This individual speaks my language. That awkward side smile grin Vanessa has & sparkle in her eyes, speaks volumes to me. Venessa was in control from the beginning, you Tom, have zero control, regardless of your media/PR training.
This is the best thing I've ever watched in my whole life. Thank you.
Vanessa Van Edwards you are the inspiration of my being! Your ability to translate what and why we respond the way we do is so insightful and this video blew my mind! Thank you!
I realized how happy I have been in comparison to others when I hear these conversations … People OVER THINK everything now a days! Life can be simple and incredible beautiful if one just stop trying to “find” a hidden meaning in everything one do, experience, hear, feel, etc, etc! Too much noice, if one wants to “figure things out”.
This video just saved my skin on three different levels! Thanks Tom and thank you Vanessa for this!!
So glad it added value! Curious about those three levels tho. ;-)
29:00 she talks about only going to friends who share her excitement and are happy for her. I also want my close friends to not be happy for my choices if they can see from the outside that I am making a mistake. This to me is more important as it indicates that they actually care about your decisions and are willing to discuss it with you. Those who hide behind the "I didn't tell you because I don't want you to feel bad" only perpetuate your problems, and will also talk about your poor choices to others behind your back.
She does value inconvenient truths, she spoke of its importance often. I think in the case you mention, she was wanting to know if close friends really are wanting the best for you....the way she would tell is if something genuinely good happened to her...no negatives side to it at all....would they share her happiness?
Or would there be a touch of jealousy or schadenfreude or other such sinister feelings. I don't think this should be confused with the inconvenient truths you hope you get from good frienshops
Echo chambers are not healthy.
Turned the red light into a happy experience, maybe that's what the dogs did who stayed on the shock mat. supper interesting video, thanks
You're welcome! Thank you for watching :)
People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that’s bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they’re wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it. That’s what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.
The most important kind of freedom is to be what you really are. You trade in your reality for a role. You trade in your sense for an act. You give up your ability to feel, and in exchange, put on a mask. There can't be any large-scale revolution until there's a personal revolution, on an individual level. It's got to happen inside first.”
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself-and especially to feel, or not feel. Whatever you happen to be feeling at any moment is fine with them. That's what real love amounts to - letting a person be what he really is.
That's what real love amounts to - letting a person be what he really is. Most people love you for who you pretend to be. To keep their love, you keep pretending - performing. You get to love your pretence. It's true, we're locked in an image, an act - and the sad thing is, people get so used to their image, they grow attached to their masks. They love their chains. They forget all about who they really are. And if you try to remind them, they hate you for it, they feel like you're trying to steal their most precious possession. ― _Jim Morrison_
It doesn't tell you how to liberate yourself from anxiety. It covers many other things.
Snackay nobody can tell you how to do anything... She's giving you insights to trigger thought. It's up to you to build on it..
It doesn’t tell you, it shows a person that conquered it.
Whenever you find those titles, do not trust they are going to tell you exactly what they mean, because it's just a hook for the audience and it takes a consult with a psychologist to find out the answer. As a recommendation, I just simply take notes on that and see what can be helpful.
@@AnthonyGarcia-kr9vu Up to you to buy her book, you mean.
Yeah the title is click bait but it was interesting still
I listened to this and dramatically improved my social anxiety ❤
This was definitely a wonderful interview! I could tell you were absorbing the information just as much as us. Lots to reflect on and Vanessa is a breath of fresh air and a ray of sunshine haha
This is really interesting & useful. I just figured out that in my family, I am the only extrovert; my ex, my daughter, & my son are all introverts. That causes alot of bad energy when we live all under the same roof. My kids are adults now & I didn't realize I was stepping on their need for quiet time without knowing it over the past 10 years:(
I didn't use to believe in Psychic abilities, clairvoyance, clairaudience, clairsentience etc. either. Until I had a conversation with these 2 highly spiritual people, on seperate occasions (one a spirtual teacher, the other a barber) and I didn't say a word and they just responded to my thoughts the entire time. I literally tested them so many times and they just laughed as I thought different thoughts to see if they were actually reading my mind. They didn't fail once. I literally ran around and jumped in shock and awe haha
Vanessa is amazing at explaining things and Tom was so funny and open, I loved this interview!
GREAT interview. The Red Light of Gratitude bit... floored me. The implications of that are staggering.
So glad you liked it! She's full of amazing nuggets of gold!
PS your "don't be afraid of me nice old lady" face... for some reason it reminds me of Stitch when he's trying to be nice haha
Great point Vanessa :)
I've heard of the power of gratitude, and I've attempted the practice of cultivating it, but, I lacked a "trigger" that would iron the point home.
At the end of the day I'd think of what I *could* have been grateful for, and focused upon the highpoints and even do a spiral meditation (grateful for working lungs, grateful for feet etc) which was somewhat helpful, but, I was stagnating with in-the-present-moment gratitude/appreciating the now (which, I feel is a greater power).
Your "red light of gratitude" concept is excellent, and a wonderful way to rewire. To answer your question, I'm using a sink full of dishes. In about 3 months I will see if adding an additional one will compound the effects.
Thank you again! Great interview, you brought the genuineness out of Tom as well.
Vanessa, some people walk in to a room and don’t give a stuff and don’t think about anything and are not confident. I love how your analysis is so definitive the way you speak