Outsmart a Narcissist: A Proven 4-Step Plan to Take Your Power Back | Mel Robbins Podcast
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- Äas pĆidĂĄn 28. 05. 2024
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Is it possible to be around narcissistic people and not lose your power? Especially when it's your mom, dad, ex, or boss whoâs acting toxic?
Today, Mel is joined by Rebecca Zung, an expert on narcissism and a globally recognized high-conflict negotiator. Rebecca is also a top-ranked trial lawyer who has studied narcissism so that she could win against them in the courtroom. Sheâs written the playbook, SLAY the Bully: How to Negotiate with A Narcissist and Win.
She is here to make the case that you CAN stay in power no matter how toxic the people are around you. And by following her 4-part plan, you can even win when dealing with narcissism.
In this conversation, Rebecca discusses topics like:
Narcissism: what is it?
The 3 types of #narcissism
The link between narcissism and divorce
The exact phrases that can change the dynamic between you and a narcissist
The top 3 sentences to disarm a narcissist without causing rage
Why âcutting offâ a narcissist wonât work
The physical symptoms you can have when dealing with a narcissist
Why being âthe victimâ is keeping you trapped
What happens in a narcissistic brain in childhood that flips a switch
The tie between trauma and narcissism
What the 4 non-verbal triggers for any narcissist are
Why a narcissist is just an 8-year-old throwing a tantrum
The reason why a narcissist actually fears you
The definition of love bombing and why itâs so addictive
What the 3 phases of a narcissistic relationship are
How you can be physiologically addicted to a âlove bomberâ (itâs as addictive as cocaine)
What narcissistic rage is and why it happens
What your 3 options are in a relationship with a narcissist
What those passive-aggressive or back-handed comments mean to a narcissist
What triangulation is, and how to protect yourself
The biggest myth about narcissists
The real reason why narcissists string you along
The 4-step process to getting your power back from a narcissist
The $2M apology
What to do when a narcissist is raging at you
The 3 things to stop doing now in a narcissistic relationship
How to respond to an accusatory email at work
What you need to know about negotiating with a narcissist
Why saying âIâm anticipatingâŠâ disarms any narcissist
The first boundary you need to create with a narcissist
What to look for as signs that you are dating, engaged to, or married to a narcissist
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Iâm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is NOT intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. Iâll see you in the next episode.
In this episode:
00:00 Intro
02:27 Why âcutting offâ a narcissist wonât work.
07:02 What is a narcissist? (Itâs not what you think.)
09:11 You need to stand up to the narcissist in your life.
12:52 The 3 types of narcissism look like this.
17:39 This is the scariest type of narcissist.
21:07 What happens in a narcissist brain in childhood that flips a switch?
32:17 This is what ânarcissistic blindnessâ is.
35:33 Narcissists arenât born; they are made. Hereâs the research.
40:47 Do narcissists feel fear?
43:39 The 2 ways a narcissist gets their ânarcissistic supply"
49:11 What are the 3 phases of a narcissistic relationship?
51:48 What is love bombing, and how do you detect it?
1:01:02 This is why even the smartest people fall in love with narcissists.
1:08:11 What do those passive-aggressive or back-handed comments mean to a narcissist?
1:11:02 The biggest myth about narcissists
1:17:29 The first boundary you need to create with a narcissist
1:19:34 Why does saying âIâm anticipating..." disarm any narcissist?
1:22:09 Rebeccaâs 4-part framework you need to deal with a narcissist
1:29:09 When the rage hits, here is how you can stay in your power.
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I disagree that they can't control their emotions. My husband controls his emotions just fine when anyone else is around, but behind closed doors turns into a monster.
Same of my bf of almost 5 years. They all think Iâm crazy - just for standing up for myself when he is constantly belittling me and puts me down with jabs and tantalizing in front of others. I ask him to pls stop etc - he does it more. He knows it sets me off. So horrible. Canât wait until I can finally escape. Bc when you live with a narcissist thatâs what it is. IFYK,YK
Very creepy! Not unlike my Mom who is narcissistic/Pyschopath/Sociopath/ Sadistic Mixed nut!!!
My husband calls me the nastiest names and lists off every fault I have ever had, the same time he is texting his friends like itâs a wonderful day. He could help this, he just doesnât give a crap.
Covert
I can say they may know what they are doing but in the moment are completely flooded when they become overwhelmed
Some poor woman who watches this looking for answers about her narcissistic husband is going to end up excusing his abuse because you said he doesnât realize or remember the things heâs done and that she should have empathy for him. Narcissists know exactly what theyâre doing. They lie about not remembering because they never want to be held accountable for their actions. The minute you feel sorry for them, is the minute you give your power away.
I agree with you đŻ %
I agree đŻ too these 2 ladies have made a mistake
If the narcissist is a partner or spouse I think it is different it is like they intentionally want to destroy you. Entrap you makes you financially dependent. Keeps you stuck, and puts you into a negative mindset. Sabotage your opportunities suppressing your potential with criticism and humiliation.
And we keep ourselves stuck when we make excuses for bad behaviour and disrespect because we feel that we love them. It's not love it trauma bond. It's not a real relationship it's a manipulationship.
Absolutely!!! You DON"T get your power back! Terrible advise - you are so backward here, Mel. Setting countless people up to prolong the abuse. It's maddening on top of abuse - damnit!
It's better to have compassion for ourselves than the NPD.
it's what saves my kids and I.
10 years of excusing his behavior and trying to keep the family together.
I had to save my life and teach my children that the behavior of their father was inacceptable in any way.
I still have to help them re-learn safe behaviors, because they still had to go at his house... I always have to repair and repeat. I feel like itâs kind of a game for him, to destroy our kids self-esteem and self-love.
I teach them and myself in the same time. Awareness, compassion, safe love ! They are so confused about what he does to them and they ask why. It's heartbreaking. It's difficult to stay neutral with their situation. Only thing I can tell them is that how he act is not their fault or their responsibility. He his an adult and he have to be accountable for his actions and behavior. (Because they are so conforting and helpful they try to support him through this !)
And he gets even more violent !
Save yourself. Don't try ro help someone who doesn't want to be helped.
Save your fucking life!
Love and kindness đđ©”đ
Narcissists know full well what they are doing. They just do not care.
Agree đŻ
â@@vickigarvie4093 Wrong. They literally don't understand how wrong they are.
Agree. I would say that they don't have the capacity to care. They don't have the emotional intelligence to understand what they are doing is wrong beyond just the surface wrongness.
It's why I put them in their place u don't play no games with this idiots people
â @@lukeparsons1187true cause they obviously put fourth effort to something. N itâs in the right principle of tryna have good things for themselves. But they donât realize the way they take that approach is hurtful cause they only think about their way n how it can work only their way. Itâs like people with ocd that can only work when some things are a certain type of way. But the only thing is he is creating a day by day situation with that mindset and one way only makes sense to him. If itâs not that way it causes them to shut down to n get mad. It depends on the person tho cause some narcissist will not know what they are doing and that can also play a part in how they were raised and what they saw normally as a child. Ones that do know tho wonât ever act outta pocket like that in public places. Tbh I think a form of how narcissistic personality disorder can form is if they never get any home admiration from their loved ones, it shuts down that part of the brain of thag accomplish ment and theyâve never had it from their parents, once they get it from other people and are told their doing a good job maybe by future co workers or customers that theyâve worked with, itâs like a drug n it keeps them going to doing good. But if they loose the job or donât get any admiration like that then it turns more evil.
It's not just 'childhood trama', there's also the 'golden child' syndrome where the kid is praised & spoiled so much that it just goes to their head & they learn to expect that praise & adoration from everyone, deserved or not.
I was with the narcissist that you are describing for 10 years. I finally left. I could not take it anymore. His grown kids also have a sense of entitlement. They all thought I owed them something.
The golden child is the narcissist adult
I believe it is truly by that unnecessary praise and adoration from the parent where it all begins
When we give undeserved praise as a way of fluffing their self esteem instead of teaching them how to change their character defects this really is NEGLECT if you think about it.
â@@Migale-sk8tspStereotype stupid.
Feeling sorry for a narcissist or having empathy for what they went through as a child is the absolute WORST advice. Theyâll pick up on that immediately and use it to manipulate you with whenever they do something wrong.
Narcissists are very dangerous people. Trying to outsmart one is a great way to lose your mind and also your soul. I tried for 10 years with my ex. Ended up with chronic PTSD, can barely function, and donât even recognize myself anymore.
They are way off. Mine would run me broke in court. Police and judges believe them. Mel is so wrong. Dr Ramani would destroy the Idea of beating them. Dumb to try. A narc will out wit a lawyer. Report them to the bar. Call their clients. Hahaha. No end to what they will do. None
Absolutely
Can't like this comment enough
I couldnât agree more! Ex-father-in-law of my narc ex-husband is a title lawyer and bought my mortgage loan and changed to full PMI from zero PMI just so each and every payment for 6 years NOTHING went to the principal. I couldnât undo the financial damage. Somehow the bank was in on it too. The law didnât change until the year after I lost my home to foreclosure. All this was so illegal and so unusual but I know he had the means to pull this off. He probably still believes I never figured it out and that he got away with this. Nope. Karma fixed it! Less than 2 years after I lost the house due to his BS, his son mysteriously died alone at the age of 44. Heâs now a bitter shell of an old man. Vindictive yes they are!!
đŻ %
I donât believe narcissists behavior is always from trauma. It is also from overindulgence and not being held accountable by parents . When a parent raises a child and does not build intrinsic value ,they will be find their value by tearing down others,
NAILED IT!!! The experts do not speak enough of the parents that just let the kids get away with everything. This is the result. An entitled brat. Thatâs all it is to me in my eyes.
Anyone over the age of 12 with the exception of any ailments or factual disabilities, ppl know right from wrong. PERIOD!! and if they are acting as a narc or NPD then imho, THIS IS THE WHY!!!! đ„ž not. They donât know or itâs arrested development. Yeah- arrested development bc no one whooped their behind right quick lol or taught them right from wrong, etc
Totally agree! my situation (I'm the scapegoat)
Excellent point _ I've noted this too_ from the wealthy side of the family. The childhood stories they tell are about abusing the maid and killing the cat_ they get big belly laughs from it all_ they are so indulged that they get addicted to abusing others
â@brandylee6030 and most of them still need a whooping to learn some lessons
â@brandylee6030 I remember saying to him once, "Who gave you anything you wanted just to shut you up as a kid?"
Hes an entitled little brat man.
If you are listening to this podcast and recognize the behaviors, run! It only gets worse! Test one 1: tell them No, and you will hear everything they actually think about you. Test 2: Ask them for help when you are sick or feel vulnerable, they will blame you for being sick, etc and will not supprt you. Test 3: every time you are doing something good for yourself, achieve something they will do something bad to ruin the good memory. They will make it about themselves..Did i say
run ??? Block them! And never look back..đââïž
Obviously, you're narcissistic...
Thats funny, I got sciatica, it was the worst full time pain ever! My ex would say things like "why are you groaning, you've got a pretty good life" I would get a cold every couple of years. I would Nyquil out, sleep alot for a day or two, and be good. My ex would attack me for being "lazy" and "laying around". No empathy at all!
Everything you just said is true!!!!!!! I'm just woke the latter May of last yr when my Mother passed away. Oh God if you only knew. They make sure you are broke to keep you trapped and a doormat. They do put on quite the show in front of others and strangers to the point you want to throw up. They threaten you, have you watched. They want to know everyone you know to later track you down or go to all your friends and family and somehow to convince it was you and not them. I can't believe I was so blind, first yr or 2 is the honeymoon and then it starts going down hill. Suddle things like cleaning or laundry. Oh yeah they sucks all your energy away. Talk about you like you're trash behind your back. Everything that makes you happy or you're wanting to accomplish is all wrong to them or it's stupid. They want you to be more or less their puppet
Ive seen this too
Yes me too
Not only outsmart a Narcissist but it's also important to get the hell out of dodge fast....leave and go no contact!
Thatâs where Iâm at right now closed out the bank account. Get a new cell phone get an apartment and then figure out how to empty out the house with her in it and take my stuff and whatever she allows me to take.
Ditto working on a divorce so wish we didn't have a house together..ugh
@@beautiful_one5915 ok just be smart about and have a cool head that way you can think it out carefully
@@alwedworth ok just becareful how you go about it
@theclown2393 yes, exactly..calm as a cucumber..imagining when it's over..thanksđ
I absolutely do NOT believe narcissists just forget what they did. It's all gaslighting. Period. I barely survived narcissistic abuse so I have extensive experience with them and they deserve zero sympathy for their gaslighting.
đŻđŻđŻđŻđŻ the denial isn't because they don't remember. They do not deserve one iota of sympathy. Move on. Never look back. EVERY relationship will end the same for them.
5
5
nđ u
They always say that they forget; in my experienceâs.
They don't care enough to remember. They shut it out and move on.
They need to remember they have law degrees. I'm sure I and a lot of people who have experienced narcissistic abuse and have read tons of research, books, articles, etc on narcissism, are pretty much experts at this point. The literature does not back the claim that they do not remember and have no control. They absolutely remember and they do have self-control. She basically completely negated the tactics of gaslighting, manipulation, and deception while simultaneously negating the symptom of cognitive dissonance in the victim. Gross misinformation!
I was married to a narcissist for 35 years. He divorced me when I was no longer of âuseâ to him. You are so right-the narc will take himself down in order to take you, too. When he couldnât get to me with his belittling, raging, having affairs, etc. he took me down financially. Iâve learned a lot in my 67 years-take it from me-if you live or know a narcissist in your life, RUN.
HOPE you do well with freedom to live your life! đŻ
Yes run. You cannot do anything wrong đ€
Mine put us in debt, no matter that my credit awesome,he creating so much debt behind my back,on purpose. Had to refinance the house twice,because what he did. And we are in florida, everything 50/50,including the debt,even I was clueless about it... so,I feel stuck :(
@@Ksenichka888 Dear Oxana, I have a narcissistic wife since 15 years. I gave her all my money, more than 1 million dollars since. I am completely broke now. I learned about narcissists only since a few months. Now I have to navigate through the damage. I just want to tell you, you are not alone. Learning about evil persons is really a life school đ€
I totally relate đżđŠ
They love to walk out when youâre trying to express yourself. Crazy stuff
Yes they do.. he would walk away and give me the silent treatment whenever I expressed my emotions. Everything is taken as an attack when all you want to do is talk about things. You can't bond with them emotionally. Usually they lust after you but don't see your heart.
đ it a disorder
@@jonquils1 Wow, I have had this experience NUMEROUS times and couldn't figure out why it was going on!
Narcissists are calculated and know exactly what they are doing.
Married to a severe narcissist for 17 years âŠshowed him compassion and understanding - he was a devil and he did know what he was doing and many many things were carefully planned out. Donât feel sorry for them!
Exactly, three years of scheming and planning and sowing seeds, getting people on side, starting a smear campaign, moving money around in bank accounts before eventually involving the police and other authorities. I'm done with empathy.
@h888steele4: Same here. Mine is almost 17 years. Weâre separated heading for divorce. I have a restraining order against him. This has become a long, drawn out process. I had to stay with him because I wasnât able to work bc of me having Multiple Sclerosis. Therefore, I was trapped due to not making any money. I used to carry this household because I was an RN. He quickly forgot everything I contributed to the marriage it really pees me off. He didnât love me, he loved the money I brought in. He loved my parentsâ assets that he would have access to once my parents pass away. Iâm sure he has dreamed about his future life once his old ball and chain are out of the way too!
Professor Sam Vaknin is the foremost expert on Narcissism and Cluster B. Heâs also a diagnosed Psychopathic Narcissist, has 190+ IQ and is a Physicist! No one breaks down Narcissism and cluster B like Sam Vaknin. Check him out on CZcams.
Be careful, go hide if u can &watch your back. Dont let your guard down sounds like he might flip out.
I agree 1,000%
I experienced this firsthand with my first husband. The RAGE when I would stand up for myself... wow! After 9 years, many affairs, lying, I took my 2 kids and walked away with the shirt on my back. Totally worth it. Was a single Mom, poor, but ended up meeting my dream man who is the best husband, father, now grandfather and we've been married 27 years blending our family.
I went bankrupt and he gambled my home Savings mutual funds inheritance from my parents and everything else leaving me 62 and street poor. How do I date men want much younger women. I am also disabled from Meningitis and cannot work. I'm a useless member of society now.
@@islachristie3291 you are not useless! You will lift others up by sharing your story. Look for those opportunities and remember... you are God's daughter.
@@islachristie3291hang in there⊠take it day by day. Iâll pray for you. There are good people in this world, you never know who you are going to run into.â€ïž
Congrats, your strong ... But what happened to the kids father when you walked? Sometimes I feel I have to literally escape in the early morning hours just to be okay with my kiddos ..
@@shelleybegay9082 he had limited visitation... his job and social life was his priority
I was abused and still a caring empathetic person. I still love to serve others. It's no excuse!
Me too.
Me too
You are strong. It is hard.
Some people are too tender as children to control what response their minds take .
@@thebiblestudyhelper9389 That's true but on reaching adulthood most people are capable of knowing right from wrong.. and pure verbal abuse from compassion and empathy.
Through studying NPD, I have been healing from a lifetime of narcissistic relationships, starting with my parents, 2 husbands and 2 male friends. It wasn't until the last relationship listed here, I became aware of what I was dealing with and how to deal with it. After suffering near death pneumonia and CPTSD I am now 4 years out, no contact and FREE. How did I do it ? I stopped taking his B. S. and set boundaries, one at a time, to which he responded, " You have a very strong core." I never lost knowing who I was and strength in my beliefs in spiritual guidance. I spent most of the Covid lockdown researching narcissism and my co-dependency. Knowledge is wisdom and power. Do what it takes to recover. You are worth it !
"You have a very strong core"
That is the devil right there. He was revealing his intent. That inhuman has been trying to kill you all along and is surprised you're still alive.
I told my narc, "I am surrounded by wolves." He responded "Yeah you are."
That is the devil's voice right there. Learn to recognize who and what you are actually dealing with. That is the devil wearing man's clothing. Like an Edgar suit. Those kinds of statements are his disguise slipping off for a split second. It was not a compliment on your strength.
There is an intent to destroy!! Their Ego is huge!!! They truly don't care about anyone but themselves
So true! Demonic at best itâs a high for them to try and humiliate you in front of others or behind your back. Iâve learned to ignore this person and I begin to him or sing praise and worship songs or put music on I like thatâs coming to me and he canât handle that. I realized a long time ago I wasnât crazy no matter what he did or didnât do! Ego and his flirting and had to be the social butterfly always the loudest coming into a place or wanting to be seen. Itâs really sad because this man truly has had trauma as a child then other things compiled with that! Thank you for confirming for me. My book with this situation should be a best sellerđđœ
Do you really think their egos are huge? It seems to me it's a lack of ego that causes them to act out.
@@93Jubilee deep down inside they are children. But the grandiose attitude and the self entitlement is out of control. They will never own up to their insecurities they become outraged!
Absolutely đŻ
All of you are correct
I've had one NARCISSISTIC person in my life. As soon as I saw their behavior trying to down grade me...I got quiet and left the next day. Period. I'm not about to deal with an insecure fool. They aren't worth the heartache. đŻ
Oh thank god ! People whose parents are narcs are not able to recognize what you recognize.đ„
Same story over here, took me a bit longer to leave but now Iâm never going back!
Please let Prince Harry know that he can recuperate his life.
yes. this is possible for a person who has parents that are both non-narcs. This is however impossible for a person who grew up with this and who sees this a normal person...
Wow! Good for you! I wish I had done that!
They are literally inconsiderate to others and they need to be held accountable for their actions.
Thatâs the difficult part. Especially when you have weak boundaries.
I create boundaries that fit my lifestyle
I overheard a conversation an old man was having with a younger man I think was his grandson. âYou gotta break her in like a horse break her spiritâ. I will never forget that ever.
Well, maybe he knew SHE was a narcissist. I suppose itâs possible.
Narcissism is not caused just from childhood trauma it can be caused by over inflated attention as a child. That was the situation with my sister.
Same here.
Your sister must be my coworker she is a nightmare and stops at nothing to crush everyone around her
Is not JUST caused. Trauma absolutely can cause it along with yours and genetics
Are there key points to look for that are "tells" to show we are dealing with a narcissist????;
@@carollynnberwindscheffler398 0 responsibility or accountability. They'll destroy themselves, just to ensure those trying to expose them "don't" by destroying them first. Darvo, gaslighting, emotional blackmail, emotional withholding when you don't give them what they want.
They can't control their emotions but when in front of people outside the home they sure control themselves. So there is some control.
Yeah you're right.
Absolutely and once you figure this out then let them knowâŠso you donât rage at work or with your family that actually abused you huh? Lights go on and mask is off.
Sorry, My narc is extremely smart, cunning, manipulative. They remember everyth8ng. They are liars.
Exactly
Absolutely, my Mom can be ripping my ass over a perceived slight and go right up to a complete stranger smiling and say to them, âhave a wonderful dayâ
A wise counselor once told me if i was ever in a moving vehicle with a narcissist, jump out of the car! I married one & got out once I figured out this narcissist nightmare reality. He delayed signing the divorce agreement for over 2 years simply to keep up his attempts to control. FINALLY FREE. Hard-learned life lessons, but I sure learned.
Mel, While they may not be aware that they are narcissists, they know right from wrong and they know when they are in the wrong. Proof that they know-when they are trying to hoover you back in, they promise to do all of the things you wanted them to do.
And they KNOW the right things to say to convince people that they've got scruples and principles. So they KNOW they're doing wrong.
@@1TulsaRed yes exactly!
There is an addiction to hope. You're always hoping to have that person that you first met come back.
Yes. I realized it was a false hope after a long time.
My soul misses that.
Crappy childhood fairy says,"hope is dope "( escaping) a way to cope.
@@debrakrch-ur8wv that's a good one. Thanks for sharing.
Thatâs the definition of insanity. Doing the same thing and expecting the same result.
Using a traumatic childhood against another person is the lowest of lows. They absolutely know what they're doing and they know it works to coerce you into accepting their abuse.
It's so sad...
Pathetic
Yep, I was sickened by that at the time, but yet I took him back... You can know a thing intellectually, but still allow it because you're raised in abuse & it feels normal.
I AGREE..it's so TRUE..
It's so crazy you say that, because my boyfriend does that to me all the time. For example, if I get upset that he talks to me about different women everyday, and who he thinks wants him and is in love with him, he will start going on about how I came from childhood trauma. Like, what?! He had admitted to me that he does it to let me that he could have other options if he wanted. So legitimate feelings get turned against me. When I didn't want to sleep with him one time, he actually said to me, "Your sexuality is messed up, probably because you've had too many partners."
Stems from a lack of accountability, catering to abusive behaviours and a rewards system that caters to all of the wrong behaviours. Itâs a cycle.
I am so grateful for you and your videos. I didn't realize that I have been dealing with narcissistic people for DECADES.... I just also realized that being around them, it feels like I'm frozen in time and don't and can't respond or stick up for myself sometimes. Their words chock the life out of me sometimes. I get upset with myself because I didn't defend myself in that moment. BUT.. after dealing with the last boyfriend that was a covert... I'm slowing healing and getting control of me and my life again. I have learned to just let them talk, I pay attention to what they say. When they try to insult me, I remain calm and say whatever I need to say to defuse the situation. They either stop or look confused. I'm proud of myself so far.
Sorry to all victims of this horrible experience. Such evil .
It's arrogance , which is what causes evil
No, they're demonic!
Absolutely!
U aint kidding
God bless your empathetic spirit. đđžđ·đœđČđ·đŸđź đœđž đ«đź đđ”đźđŒđŒđźđ đđ·đđźđźđ â€ïžâđ„âïžđ
As a mental health professional I donât know that we can say that narcissism is always the result of trauma. Iâve known of narcissists that had no childhood trauma.
I would have to say that my husband had a decent upbringing was not traumatized, didnât have anything like that happen to him. BUT his dad was a controlling covert narcissist with his mom. My husband learned his behavior from his dad! Demeaning, dishonorable, disrespectful, degrading, manipulative, and so on and so forth! All of the 5 kids in that family treat their mother the same way the father treated her. My husband treated me that way and now my 4 children do also! It is disgusting!
My husband and his dad as well! Male chauvinists!
And the spoiled brat fits of rage are called blind rage!!!
They are taught this from very early childhood and it NEVER changes!
I'm a mental health counselor in your absolutely right. It's not always trauma, but it's definitely a spirit that can be passed down the bloodline. I experienced this with my father and my younger Brother. as well as my ex. Husband and my eldest son.
a narcissist is born it cannot become.
That you know of or have chosen to disclose.
Iâve been through physical and emotional abuse with my mom that she ruined me with my own self esteem in life. The constant building you up saying youâre brilliant then bringing you down saying youâre hopeless over and over again. The tantrum flying off the handle so suddenly etc- yes. The constant lying and trying to blame me saying sheâs never said anything and that Iâve made it all up - and triangulation with gaslighting - incredibly hard. All of it. For decades. Itâs only recently that Iâve learned about Narcissistic personality disorder- at 51 now I can finally begin to understand itâs NOT me. Thank you. Finally I can begin to heal from my motherâs claws by walking away and setting boundaries. I am in control. đ (yes my mom had a traumatic upbringing.)
Weâre dealing with this now with my husbandâs parents. And it only is really coming out now because we are setting boundaries and recognizing their behavior and not rushing to their whim/attention/schedule anymore. And they canât handle us being authentic and real and so we get rejected. And when their manipulation doesnât work, they turn around and blame us. Tough situation, for sure, but at least we are putting up boundaries and protecting ourselves and our poor teens who feel it, too.
I am so, so sorry. When the one person you are supposed to trust with every vulnerability and internalize their words as gospel truth --especially when you donât have any way to control your environment or the courage to challenge her or her words. Sending â€â€â€ and prayer for you to learn how to seek and , give receive love from good people.
There are skilled traumatologists to assist you in reducing the power of triggers that continually traumatize you. Also there are therapists skilled in Internal Family Systems that can speak to all of the âprotectorsâ youâve been forced to create that prevent you from being or feeling vulnerable.
It's not normal anymore
Their rage, humiliation and anger is like living with the devil.
My daughter once said
The devil spawned a child and its daddy
Well said Char
And also no matter what they went through as a kid doesn't give them the right to use that to justify lying stealing and manipulating you. Do not give them that power to try and use their past trauma to in effect break you into staying in an environment where you know it is toxic. Narcissistic individuals rely on your good heart
Brilliantly said! Thank you.
OK, I understand the emotional inmaturity! Yet, we are supposed to allow them to treat us in a degrading way? Hell No!
I am in love with my narcissistic wife and I don't want to lose what we have. Is there any hope? Narcissistic people must be able to change and grow
Jeff, they never change. I know 34 yrs and he couldn't change anything in his life, including how he saw and treated. The last 5 yrs have been the worse, never got better. I loved him totally, but had to walk away.
@@jeffbabcock6033 I'm very very sorry but it's you who has the capacity to change and grow.
You'd think they could. You want them to. If only they saw the error of their ways but in truth you're better than her. Put your healing work in and you'll attract a much healthier growth mindset woman who treats you right. I know you don't want to give up a marriage because to you it's been your life for so long. If you choose to be with her don't expect her to change, accept that's how she is but do you but once you realise you can not change anything about another person the only thing you can change is you â€ïž
Shanastanek -- you hit the nail on the head, Sister! Narcissists are self-centered, judgemental, condescending, and very mean-hearted. But, they refuse to grow up and take responsibility for their rudeness. You will always be in the wrong -- it HAS to be that way for them. They can tear an empath to shreds and enjoy the process. If you spot a narcissist RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!! Don't allow anyone to steal your authenticity. Believe in yourself. Cherish your Self.
But unfortunately we need to learn to deal with them. I am literally sitting up at 3:30 a.m. doing this because of the uncontrollable OCD intrusive thoughts that I have experienced for the last 3 weeks because my sister who I went no contact with over a year ago sent me a birthday card. One little card, 3 weeks of brutal hell. If I don't learn how to deal with these people I will be TOAST đą
I get it... I can't even go to my mailbox without anxiety crippling me! Nothing good ever comes but the bills literally make me nervous maybe even paranoid cause of the PTSD I suffer with.Thanks to a narcissist husband that beat me down so badly as did my own Mother,She would side with my ex because she was impressed with his money. Her thought being Id be taken care of if I just took whatever he shelled out including cheating, cursing me in front of my daughters & just plain mean spirited! That wasn't me----I lost a few relationships over that & realized that I didn't need or want that kind of energy around me.Never was the same with some family but I don't regret it.. Actually it's their loss & I'm ok...Sorry you felt it too...Stay strong..†49:06
So sorry to hear that. I am a mom trying to get my daughter from a narcissist. I don't care how much money he has. It scares me cause she is 19 and very naive. She is also now pregnant by him. I don't know what to do. He took her away from her family. Now they won't tell us where they are. She says she is fine and it's what she wants but he never lets her speak privately.
@@khristyjones8458 God Bless. You'll be in my prayers đđ
@@khristyjones8458 Yes,that is very scary.Shes so young & can't see anything but the love she has for him.I was 20 when my ex showed up im my life- Great to me, love bombed for 5 and years.Had the babygirl & he cheated while I was giving birth. Such a bully,hated all my friends ,half of my family & just got cocky AF...Bought me a Malibu beauty of a car but I was only allowed to drive it with the kids in the car ! If he saw me riding with friends or even my neighbor,crazy.. So we were divorced within the year,my baby was 6 months old.,size of a large
Pepsi bottle.But,I survived.Scared at times,even doubted myself about the money , house,all the " stuff"we could do but living my own life with my girls in a beautiful place & I like being there.Not nervous like I was & he gave me $75.00 every week. Mister Big Stuff spent more on go- go dancers to be cool in the bar.. Grateful for it but that cheap bastard got off real easy in court cause all I wanted was the babies and that was
It,..STAY STRONG.. I KNOW ITS HARD BUT THE END RESULTS ARE WORTH IT,DONT GIVE YIURSELF TO ANYONE TILL YOU FIND A GUY THAT LOVES YOU MORE THAN YOU LOVEs YouĂł...God Bless đâ€ïž
MEL!!!! Thank goodness i found this. I'm deep in the awful, heart wrenching trauma bond. I'm at home feeling empty & broken while he's busy love bombing his new victim on a romantic trip to Rome. Trying so hard to stay strong with zero contact, but we have a little one together and so i know at some point in the future I will have to deal with him. Im listening to 8hrs a day on CZcams of therapy vlogs and anything to help me. This one struck so many chords. Thank you so so much.
I hope you are secretly recording his rants and any domestic violence if you will need to keep your child. Anything he does he will get his monkeys to lie. He knows your child is a good way to keep you subservient. While he is away is a great time to file and leave. That will probably trigger a huge response. A very small camera and a couple filming cards will help. Also try using cloud incase he finds the camera plus once you are gone you can still record and view from cloud to see and hear what he may be planning. Stay away from the house until the divorce and decide your life. Hope this helps. Amen
Love it when the narcissist self-identifies as an "empath," which gives them authority to call others narcissists.đđ
The best line I've ever used on narcissists when they get mad is 'can we come back to this conversation when you're less emotional?' They don't know how to deal or process that statement.
Oh, mine would answer 'Oh, it's MY fault? I'M EMOTIONAL!!!' exhausting.
Awesome comeback!!! So much respect for you! Thanks for sharing this.
âWhateverâ works for me. Just keep saying itâŠ
Comebacks aren't winning. You get a star sticker on the board, nothing else. Do it often enough, and you'll be deeper into the hole you were trying to climb out of to begin with.
Gold! Iâm totally going to use this! đđ»đđ»đđ»đđ»đđ»
Narcissistic behavior is also part of the sociopathic profile. Itâs very dangerous for people to be taught to feel sorry for someone with this personality disorder. Being able to identify what is happening and why is fine but how to get out safely is important. Getting out is the only option. Forgive but donât forget. Learn and move on.
I agree. Why even try to understand them, save yourself and just get out sooner rather than later.
Iâm currently married to one for 2 decades. Been trying to get out for 2 years now. Upon finding out what narcissism and codependency is.
3rd time signing a 6 month lease. But Iâm smarter now this time around and trying to get a lot of resources online for any kind of support.
Iâm not one to play the victim & hide nor do I wallow in self pity. Iâm a fighter. I have two teenage boys. Iâm thankful they are healthy smart and determined to reach success. So Iâm doing. The gray rock thing by Dr. Ramani. Any help would really be appreciated. Thank you in advance.
This is a Very Serious Disorder.
@@incognito595ii
I agree. My ex-husband was diagnosed as a sociopath just before my second daughter's birth because he took me to court and the court forced him to get tested for drugs and alcohol. I didn't even know what a narcissist was until my daughter mentioned it a couple years ago, regarding her ex. When I found the definition, I could swear my mother and my first husband and my boyfriend now all qualify!! I had my ex removed by the police after he punched me. I don't know how to get rid of my 10 year boyfriend who doesn't physically abuse me. Unfortunately, I am a caretaker for my son, who is very protective of me , and it's killing him that he's here still.
The comments are the group therapy I need. I'm so sorry to see so many having experienced similar things. My ex-GF was impossible. I'm absolutely exhausted and am on my knees, but I'll get back up. All the very best to everyone here.
I am so glad to be hearing this, I have seen a narcissist become almost possessed by the emotion they felt, then it was almost like they just switched off, went to bed and slept for hours, then later could not remember the rage or what they said and did. Thank you, they are not responsible for themselves at all and I have learned not to engage at all or to take them seriously.
Absolutely agree with what one person who said that they can control their emotions just fine with other people. But behind closed doors they turn off the controls like a switch. They say it didnât happen or donât remember because THEY ARE GASLIGHTING! And itâs not all from trauma⊠I went through shit trauma and I do not act like my narcissistic cousin. She didnât go through half of it. So trauma hummm not always.
Thankyou!! My daughter âŠno trauma other than what she invented
Yes! I was in a relationship with a narcissist who would deny complete conversations and tell me he was âworried about meâ because my memory was so faulty I must be crazy. I started covertly recording conversations and when he tried to gaslight me, would play the recording and it was exactly as I remembered it. He would go into a rage at being called out on his gaslighting and accuse me of somehow faking the recording. Thankfully I got out! đ
â@@lisalaursen3684I started using voice recorders because of people like this also. I've learned it's extremely important to not let people know when they are being recorded. I now do this anytime I have to have a conversation about money with someone and whenI go to Dr. offices. It is truly disturbing how many Dr offices literally have signs saying you can't record (in your own private appointment!) for the protection of your own medical information. The signs themselves are openly gaslighting. It is horrifying the things I have recorded Drs and their staff say. I have not figured out how to use any of this to be able to take legal action, HOWEVER it has on MANY occasions helped me save my own sanity and see what's actually going on. Which is honestly still extremely difficult to live with.
â@TheFairIsInAugust She may not be a narcissist. High functioning Autism has similar symptom manifestations but they're not actually narcissists.
I got more from reading the comments than I did from watching the video of these two. Wouldnât take any of their advice.
It's not about winning. That's narcissistic thinking. It's about being at Peace.
Amenâ€
I agree 100% Iâm finally at peace, and itâs not at all about âwinningâ.
Rebecca...always struck me as being narcissistic. As almost to the point of her posing as some kind of "disinfo agent" inflicting false info into the empathic community seeking help from narc abuse..
If you listen properly it is about winning the peace and good life for your kids. Did you hear the part about having a vision such as being able to sit next to your ex at your kids concert and enjoy it together ? This video is certainly nothing about winning just for the sake of winning.
Exactly I donât want to win I just want to be left alone by these people
I am so glad I found you! You just described my family which revolved around my narcissistic mother EXACTLY. I am an older woman now , and it just in the last year that I have begun to understand the dysfunctional family dynamics I grew up in. My mother is a malignant , covert agressive, textbook narcissist. She made my developmental years a living hell as she locked me in closets for days at a time, held me back from school entry, (this was the sixties so no one cared), told me that she didn't want me and tried to kill my in the womb with whiskey in take, raking around a rusty coat hanger in her belly and consuming castor oil. When I was eight yrs. old she had me committed to an insane asylum for five years by convincing doctors that I was the crazy one. When I came out she forced me to marry a man who was a 28 year old pedo and I was only thirteen.
She killed my older sister with cocaine and totally set my brother against me before I was even born.
Fianlly, about twelve years ago, she poisoned me with kerosene in a single serving coke bottle I had in the fridge. I was in a coma for about nine months. I have so much organ, muscle, lung, heart , kidney damage throughout my entire body that I lost my medical carreer and have become disabled with several immune diseases. By the grace of God I am still here, and I have gone no contact since I got out of the state she lives in and went as far away as I could to try to endure the pain that I'm in while having some sort of safety in this life. God bless all who have had a mother like mine. I was a victim to being raised in the most abusive family and also endured an insumountable amount of trauma, but how come I didn't turn out to be a narcissist? I am timid, shy and introverted, always thinking of others even when they don't care about me. I was a caring nurse for many years, So, my question is: Why am I not a nacissist? I still love my mother.
Omg...I'm so sorry you've had to endure so much! Narcissist feed off of caring loving people like you. They don't have any self love and don't want you to have any either. You're only there to make them feel good or to take their anger out on. It's not love.
I am so grateful for your kind words. I live a very isolated life because I have been hurt so much that I shy away from people all together because I don't want to be hurt again.
These narcissists are so self absorbed that they don't even know how to love. God bless you and thank you .
Your gracious and loving heart was feeding the demonic narcissist. I am so sorry you had to experience your mother in such an inhumane way. Have as much love and compassion for yourself as God has for you. God bless â€
@@SuzkaMaresThank you for you sweet , encouraging words. I have CPTSD now and struggle in my daily life with insomnia, flashbacks and night terrors which cause me to have to take medication for the rest of my life. I lost my medical career and am on disability now. But at least I am away from her. I still love her though after all she did to ruin my life. I love her from afar. Hugs and thank you and God bless you too!
There is such a thing as evil.. and narcissists are just that!
And they're in full control. They control themselves in front of those they want to think they are kind. It's behind closed doors where they feel most comfortable exhibiting their demons!
My sympathy is for those they maliciously entrap!
Oh yeah the moment I stood up to him he was out the door. I feel so relieved that he left our family for Christmas because it đ was the best Christmas gift ever.
Triangulation is awful at Xmas itâs tense itâs wishful itâs melancholy - takes a long time for adult children and adults to maybe get out of that memory triggered at the holiday. Do you feel it still or maybe itâs different w a husband.
Good for you!!!
There are some narcissists, who do this intentionally! It's not just an unconscious, unknowning action. When they say, I don't remember doing that,
it's just plain lying!
EXACTLY!! Entitled brats bc mom and dad did not reprimand them and or correct them or teach them about manners, respect or couth. They didnât get their way. Or maybe just bullied and picked on in school so
Much. That sounds more like narc to me. Not freaking frontal lobe etc câmon experts I love this podcast and all but letâs get real.
The vast majority know exactly what theyâre doing. The self-aware narcs here on YT admit this.
â@@minoozolalaI beg to differ because I've heard most of them, including HG Tudor and Lee Hammock, state that it depends on the type and person because it's impulsive, or a self-defence response, with many and the more psychopathic ones know what they're doing.
I've experienced this with many people, including my late parents, throughout my life and can verify that they automatically react to perceived, or real, threats due to the way they learnt to cope with trauma during childhood. đ
H.G.Tudor refers to this difference as the aware and the unaware Narcissist.
A courtroom is very structured and regulated with powerful, guarded enforcement. Like you said, you can't change or control them, they are irrational, they don't negotiate, they will harm their self to harm you. All this sounds good, but may not be doable in real life situations. Be careful to not blame the victim. Sometimes you can't stand on your head in enough ways to make any difference. They're very sensitive to being manipulated. They can smell your "tactics" before you start. It's their game. They play it well. Non narcissistic people do not.
After dealing closely with my narc, for 5 years, the conclusion I came to is this;
There is no point in talking or reasoning because itâs like talking to a wall.
Pointless.
This interview totally validated and confirmed everything Iâve learned about narcissism.
Itâs hard to go through and learn.
Great information and thank you for the insight.
So true!
For real. It really is like talking to a wall.
The only thing is this responds to the talking, just not like it should be đ
Aren't most all men Like that at some point, in areas that are new or was Never taught, & refuses counseling. That makes me have to get therapy to cope & get skill how to cope with . For my own mental & physical healthâ@@princellasmith7562
Yes, both are neglect. Not parenting appropriately.
A narcissist knows exactly what they are doing. All their actions are very intentional. Proof positive is when they have different sources of supply to provide all their needs that one person could never fill. Mel do not make the mistake of trying to give narcissists an out. They are straight up demons who's thought process is to get you before you get them. Your compassion is noteworthy but misplaced on narcissistic people. I was in a toxic narcissistic marriage for ten years. I could teach a class on their actions. Fortunately, I lived through it, divorced the narcissist and am happy, healthy and healing.
Agreed!
You are so spot on. They always want to destroy before they are exposed.
Hi Laurie. Could we communicate. I think that your experience could help me understand this better than I do.
I agree and not all Narcissists were traumatized as children and yes they became a narcissist for whatever reason but no one has to forgive them or tolerate them. I think the best way is to get away from them TOTALLY. I understand and feel for the married person having to deal with them because of kids but a narcissist will never change and their stress is too much. The lady speaker can walk away from clients so it is easy for her to give advice but I say get them out of your life, no contact. Nothing is beneficial for you when dealing with a Narcissist and they will always need to have it their way, they never change.
I do not want to always be on the offensive all the time. Just walk away, do not tell them about you, your job, your friends. There is no CIVIL MANNER with a narcissist and no I do not want to have to vomit.. also why KEEP A RECORD, when you say the Narcissist does not remember anyway???
Thank you so much for this very insightful podcast. I have experienced all the full blows of a narcissist dad and a narcissist husband and have living in fears for years and years. I feel small, scared, and hating them for how they shamelessly living in rages, insulting their spouse, destroying their children without even showing any remorse or intention to admit they have a mental health problem. Ego is everything to them. They call you names,, yell at you, blow up every time you have a different opinion, and then blame you for causing them to be angry. Control you both aggressively and if you resist, they give you the cold treatment. Now I see them as a 8-year old who doesnât know how to control their temper tantrums. They are not scary anymore. And I need to be the reasoning adult.
I agree with Ginger T.
My son in law controlled his emotions just fine around everyone else, family, friends, and then took it all out on my daughter and their kids!
It's like the narcissist can spot the most vulnerable prey too!! I've been alone for 20 years now because my picker is broken and I'm better off not repeating the same mistake over and over!
Please stop blaming yourself for the abuse and trauma you suffered at his or their hands. Narcissists are constantly on the prowl for innocent prey. They know from experience which people are more vulnerable and easier to manipulate, gaslight and control!!! Like you previously noted they know how to spot a hopeful target. Information like this video educates everyone like us, how to spot them.
I hear you. I'm not putting myself in that place ever again.
Same
Once my divorce is final, this is my plan as well. I donât trust myself and just want to live out the rest of my life narc-free and in peace đ
25 years for me. My picker is broken toođą
Started with a narcissistic mom then married a narcissist a covert narc the worst kind but I have been free for five years still healing đą
I had a covert narcissist Mom and then married a narcissist in my 20's. Got out of that marriage thank god! Once you see it you can't unsee it. ;)
Alicia you're beautiful. Keep on the healing road đ„č I've only been on it for 6 weeks đą
My mother is a covert narcissist and just got out of a 4 yr relationship with an emotionally and physically abusive man. Before I met him, I was always happy and smiling, and I had so much energy. Now my head is always looking down, I have a missing tooth and two chipped teeth in the front because of him. I am physically and financially broken. I donât even know how to start over. But the first thing I have to do is find a job which is hard when you have a missing tooth people donât treat you with respect itâs terrible.
The covert Narc are just terrible, caz you don't know what's wrong, in killing you soul and confidence slowly but surely
I hear you. Covert narcissist still hunting me down more than two years later. I wonât go back to that trap.
Wow that first example happened to me! He decided I had a drinking problem! He went around telling all my friends and then trashed those same friends to me for loving me. "Oh they don't know you. There must be sonething WRONG with them! He knew when he married me, thst I did enjoy having a glass of wine with dinner. I never hid that. He actuallt taught me how to make Pina coladas, and then turned that against ME! Tell you what, if I had no problem before, it would be easy to acquire one living with him!
I survived a breakup with my narcissist husband and later my narcissist daughter because I had serious and very real accomplishments in my history that couldn't be minimized, denigrated or negated. In essence, I was and am now rock solid in the belief of my authentic and genuine self.
Absolutely, there are narcissists that specifically go out to use people.
Yes, they are predators. Especially for sex. Just a warm body. Doesn't matter who it is. They are riddled with anxiety and need others to calm it.
Narcissism does not always stem from trauma. My husband's step daughter was raised like a princess. She wanted it, she got it. The household revolved around her needs, her wishes, her wants. All others had to take a back seat to her tantrums, manipulations, contol mechanisms, lying, lack of empathy, selfishness, and numerous demands. All others needs came second to her wants. I had this selfish bully in my home only 1 year. A PHD psychologist said that her Narcissism was due her mother and 2 grandmothers putting her on a pedestal the first 3 years of her life. I know that you are right, narcissism can come from trauma, but it also can be learned by being raised with no discipline. I heard her mother say that her daughter is never wrong and even as a 12 year old was so much smarter than her teachers. Step daughter was taught to be narcissist.
But isn't that abuse too. Not being taught "NO" . A parent that loves their child, teaches their child discipline their child. If my child so rotten, no body wants be around them. These people just do what is easy for themselves, not what is best for the child.
Maybe she is a sociopath or psychopath?
Pedestals are something that narcs place people on. So likely there was a dysfunction there and the worth was superficial
Over indulgence is child abuse!
That is trauma. People seem to think that trauma needs to be some overtly negative action or set of actions. However, spoiling a child is a form of abuse if it's done with the exclusion of all other type of treatment.
If you're treating someone in a way that is contrary to reality and you are training them that this is normal, that is a form of abuse.
If I confronted my mom, sheâd stick out her tongue at me. This talk helps me because I can now see that this other woman, a perpetrator, is just the same narcissist in adultâs clothingâŠmy hatâs off to you both, two strong attorneys with emotional balance.
OMG This is so good. I have been the victim of NPD from my neighbour. Everything you say completely makes sense. I have spent 4 years trying to reason and negotiate with her with absolutely no success. The slightest thing triggers her. Her father is absolutely horrible so it doesnât surprise me that she may have been the victim of childhood abuse. She is 35 but still behaves like a child.
Every time my ex wants me back from our on and off relationship he immediately throws the âletâs move in togetherâ card. Iâm glad it never happened. Iâm practicing to being my own bestie, convincing myself to never go back to this manipulative guy and remind myself how bad he hurt me.
It never gets better, it just gets worse.
Me too. Wanted me to move in to his 2 million dollar home by the lake. Heâs a multi millionaire and has girls all over. It would have been the nail in the coffin for me.
Absolutely... Stay strong!
My ex started doing this recently, asking me to move in despite me finding out that he just cheated prior to us getting back together!
I'm from Canada. What is your advice? Same here being bullied, mobbed, gaslighting, harassed at the hospital for over 12 years. I've happened to be the top worker for 38 years and have never been suspended. These bullies are jealous and miserable people. Union, manager, HR and the police are all totally useless. Bullies are lazy bums and stupid managers are scared of the bullies. They say about me I'm crazy, I drink, I'm a stalker all bs defamation of character. The biggest mistake since they removed disciplinary measures. They should arrest the bullies and fire the manager. Action speaks louder than nasty words. It destroyed my reputation. I will never quit to make these lazy bums ever win. If I decide to transfer to another hospital and may start gaslighting, smearing and bullying me once again, I don't know all the new managers etc. like in every department like now. So best to not change hospitals. I will never let bullies try to control me from quitting. Just don't react and not try to defend yourself which will only go back and forth making me look even more guilty. Action always speaks louder than words. Just best ignore them and find another easier target. Never let these low life lazy coward bums ever win.
â@@AnthonyManzioI think that also. Just to LAZY to seek peace and have decent behavior...
Youâre right, Mel! Itâs the same cycle as an abusive relationship. The only difference is the physical violence. Letâs be honest, physical or mental abuse are both horrible with horrible results.
Definitely
Whit the big difference, Phisical paid can eventually heal but emotional abuse can distoy your confidence in life and people, even in your own self-esteem
I'll take the physical abuse over emotional torture any day of the week ...
I have spoken with a number of people who were abused both physically and emotionally. They all said the same thing. The physical abuse was nothing compared to the devastation of the emotional abuse.
Sneaky... And discomforting.... You Often think maybe it's you! đ„Ž
Well i now have a "bare minimum" type of relationship with my son's family. Its amazing that every single topic you covered in this video; is exactly my story. 20 years of my narc. And somehow i did all you said here; thru these ling treacherous years. The worst thing i ever experienced is watching her literally suck his soul from him. His incredible sense of humor is gone. His confidence is gone. His lust for life is gone. Sometimes he seems like an empty shell. And that right there, my friend, is so devastating to me. I miss my son so bad.
My son is with one. She is isolating him from his dad and myself, and more importantly, God!! She has changed him in major ways.đą
Just coming out of this, havenât seen him 8 months, my healing was going good, I am so tired broken hearted, I had no idea, The covert sucks the life out of you, I still feel his energy, I had no idea what I was dealing with. He was highly deceptive manipulative
I canât stop thinking about his cruelty, a covert is so evil , God help me heal, they are very charming humble kind polite in public, but itâs a mask, they play victim and slander you.
Kill steal destroy everything, and project it all on you.
I hear you!! I was brutally discarded by my husband of 12 years 6 months ago. They are very dangerous and the pain is horrific, the ptsd us for real. I pray for youâ„ïžđ
@@ladyvirgo9514 Thank you, God is fighting for usđâ€ïž
Evil comes at us with such a pleasing face, but a soul that is dark and empty. But Jesus loves us so much that He chose to die to restore us rather than live without us. We are of great value to Him. A precious gem that is priceless and perfect in His eyes. But evil is jealous. Evil will use all his tools to steal your energy, kill your soul, and destroy your value. You must choose whom you will believe. The one who says you are worth dying for, or the one who says you should die and stop wasting the air.
One way or another we have all been where you are. But there IS hope!
â€đđč
@@katzee7268 beautiful đâ€ïžthank you , thank you for the encouragement đ„°it means a lot đvery well put, itâs what it came down to, the thief comes to kill , steal and , destroy, this is definitely sadistic a spiritual war with them.
My ex was a Cerebral/ Covert narsissist. I was the perfect target as I am an empath. I never even knew that narcissists existed. After 5 years of almost becoming a shell of the person I was, leaving and returning, believing that he really was sorry and was going yo change( never happened and actually bdcame worse each time), by chance I saw a Dr Ramani video and realised, nope, he's not bipolar, he s a narcissist, and finally I was able to walk away and go No Contact. Its 2 years now, I m almost back to being me, but there will always be a tiny part of me that is lost...
Same story hereâŠ. Freedom from the narcissist is like sterling gold!
I got out too. It takes a couple years of PTSD type feelings to have total freedom and peace.
A wee comment you are complete No longer in torcher I'd feel sad for him leaving him this completes You he is the one with a huge part missing You Leaving has broken the addiction holds he manipulated so deceptively mind games on you Celebrate your Empowerment your worth itđ
Valuable information. Thank You, Rebecca and Mel. Finally, information about how to navigate the narcissistic relationship. There is so much opinion out there about how to identify the narcissist and how these people become narcissistic but little information on how to deal with them when no contact is not an option. There seems to be an epidemic of discovery happening. I believe we have an opportunity here to learn how not to be the person a narcissist is drawn to. Maybe if there are fewer people willing to cater to them , there will be fewer narcissist. Using our personal experiences as a powerful teacher. Building our self worth by not allowing the gaslighting. Getting stronger every day by changing our behavior when interacting with the narcissist . Stopping the raging and manipulating dead in their tracks with our responses. Literally taking away the supply that the narcissist needs. Taking care of ourselves within the madness. Setting boundaries that we not only set for them to respect, but strong enough to respect ourselves.
Knowing how they became that way doesn't make any difference when you are married to them. There's no cure for them, but there's a cure for you, and that's to get the hell out of Dodge.
Pray, be patient with yourself, and take small steps each day toward being your whole self
Best comment here!!â€
Yes
God bless your empathetic spirit. đđžđ·đœđČđ·đŸđź đœđž đ«đź đđ”đźđŒđŒđźđ đđ·đđźđźđ â€ïžâđ„âïžđ
I was totally crushed and still on this healing journey for more than 8 years and no major progress. How long does it take to heal completely?
By my experience with narcissist I can tell that, they are abuser, selfish, insensitive, no compassion for others, and more.
They also want to win every single argument, no matter what. They never accept to be wrong. It's always someone else's fault.
My family. And it stinks. But they are a$$h%$#
Yup! That's a Narcissist!
My ex boyfriend exactly
Youâre so right and if you get to offend them or do sth that hurts them, they would remind you and condemn you for the rest of your life.
Valuable advice. Finally, there is someone who gives us guidance on how to deal with narcissists.
I was lost dealing with my boyfriend of 7 years that the narcissist until I got some education from some of these videosđđđđ
Some of us who have struggled, or are struggling to find the inner source can be challenged when we come face to face with the bully, the one who thinks (Like the witch in Wizard of Oz) that they can wield their power anywhere SIMPLY because they think they can and should. Once I got very settled on who I am, what I believe in and what I am open to (and not), the witch cried and ran away.
Mel.....this is the best talk I've ever heard!!! I got married in only 9 months and every stage is exactly what happened to me. I thought I could read people....but I was dooped by a narcissist without even seeing it develop the way it did!!!! After 14 years together I walked out and didn't look back!!! Thank you for bringing her to your program!!!!! God bless you.
Wow that took strength after all those years. Good for you !
Mel your video is extremely important all makes sence I don't have the problem but someone I know does I urge everyone with any of these examples to watch your program seriously and don't lose your identity
I am surrounded by đącovert passive aggressive narcissists... mother_mother in law/ husband and other family members... the gadlighting through my life has been the most damaging to me. I FINALLY woke up to it 2yrs ago. Slowly letting go of the unnecessary guilt for everything.
Great conversation, thank you.
Many prayers for you.
It is better once you understand the situation. However covert narcissism is the most dangerous, I'm still subject to three litigations against me. He is continuing to try to destroy me his attempts during the relationship went unnoticed until 2018 after nine years together.
I had no clue what was going on. In 2020 he terminated our relationship promised financial security then left to live with another woman basically abandoning me in our home in Spain while he was able to monitor my movements using the 24-hour security surveillance system he installed..
I had only ÂŁ100 per month income before he left I was threatened with being thrown out onto the street. I was intimidated, humiliated, and verbally abused his mask came off at the end.
I published my first book in May 2022 while living under the threat of precarious eviction in Spain as an English foreigner. June the verbal hearing for my eviction was heard.
I was shocked that a woman who is not married is considered a second-class citizen and my public defence told me a Judge would order my eviction, so despite the elaborate laws on gender violence in Spain the legal system does not protect women like me.
czcams.com/video/kbS0rz21aiM/video.htmlsi=4uiTOXZRRSittVjM good explanation of the team sport
Please look up Dr. Ramaniâs videos on narcissism here on CZcams, they are FAR MORE informative and truly helpful.
Same brotha âŠ
This is the best explanation of dealing with a Narcissist Iâve ever watched. Itâs such a relief to understand it and also finding your own power to understand it. We hear about this topic a lot but donât always understand it fully.
Narcissists are so common these days that you can't avoid them. I think it's smart to acknowledge and accept what they are are develop strategies to deal with them. The covert ones are very sneaky! It's so unbelievably common.
Agreed
NPD is different from narcissistic traits.
Every time my ex and I would fight he would send me a text saying âhope you have a good dayâ this was code for, youâve made me mad so now as your punishment Iâm going to ignore you for the rest of the day, kind of his way of making sure I knew heâd have the last word. Once I finally caught on to why he was saying it, it became one of my triggers. Anytime heâd text me that, I would get soooo angry. My friends would ask me what he was doing to me to make me so upset and Iâd say âhe told me to have a good dayâ then they would look at me like I was crazy! Itâs these little things that are so subtle that make you want to punch someone in the face, but end up making you look and feel crazy. And once he saw that it was working and how much it would drive me crazy he would do it more and more. đ€Šđ»ââïžđ mental and emotional abuse should be illegal. Itâs absolute torture.
Evil roams around LIKE a roaring lion seeking those it can steal from, kill their spirit, and destroy their best lives. But they are not REAL Lions.
They are fakes! When you see through their facade and look them in the face, most of them are cowering kittens.
Remind yourself that there is one who loved you so much, that He would rather die than live without you. That is your value. His love has no strings attached. No matter what you think or do, He will not love you more or less than He always has. This love is unconditional, un-earnable, true love. It just is! Never forget it never ever forget. You are valuable, a priceless gem, one of a kind. Irreplaceable, exceptional.
Reverse sycology to the core to make you be the bad person and it's what they do to make you look and feel bad đââïž đââïž for your life and sanityđąđąđąđą
Iâm a male and everything youâre saying describes my life for the past 24 years. Iâm learning that Iâm not aloneâŠthat itâs not always the man thatâs the narcissist. My narcissist is the 3 way mix to which you referred. Thank you so much.
Sorry to hear that you have experienced these difficulties
My Mother was a covert narcissist. Her path of destruction was FAR, WIDE & GENERATIONAL.
Brother
U aren't alone
MOST SITES CLAIM MEN AS NARCISSIST.
BUT THEIR ARE MAANNNY WOMEN THAT HAVE PUT MEN IN THE RINGER JUST THE SAME.
Im dealing with divorce of one as we speak.
Hang in there!
I agree that there are narcissistic women!
All it takes is trauma in childhood, itâs likely equally proportionate. I know a brother and sister that are both narcissistic both experienced the same abuse.
Thank you for this video. After 32 years of marriage filled with so much drama, a 2/5 year long disability claim for the mental scars I did not know how to heal, and a 2 year separation in the middle of it all, I have finally figured out why I have been ready to kill myself for years. Thankfully I fear God more than my narcissist and have never acted on it. This is the first step I have taken to get my mind around on how to proceed moving forward. Thank you again
I can attest to this. I remarried my husband he loved bombed me and then once I was locked in the energy shifted quicklyâŠhe turned to me & said I love you, and no lieâŠ. I felt it but at the same time this uncomfortable feeling followed that short feeling of love in that same moment and I just never forgotten that thatâs how chilling it was in the beginning. Itâs going on 4 yrs now married and I have been in a constant flight or fight response, my health has been declining due to the stress, which brought me here bcuz when we divorced we were younger & I had two years of being alone so when he came back in my life Iâm thinking weâre older he seem to have changed but in those two years I did a lot of healing for myself and thought I was ready to be back with him, of course I ignored the signs but thatâs bcuz I didnât understand what I was feeling and dealing with and thought it was me being dramatic. So this info has been a tremendous help in my next journey, itâs gonna be a grieving process but at least I can go thru this situation with in depth understanding. God donât like divorces & I respect that but ima need a whole lot of praying bcuz he gots to go or something bcuz I canât handle it itâs to much to bareâŠ.im sleeping better at night bcuz I cut myself away, before I couldnât sleep especially while next to him or Iâll sleep but kept waking up at 3am or sleep but it wasnât quality sleep. I can go on & on itâs crazyâŠ.madness I say!
God wanted me to hear this podcast I had to isolate myself from everyone to understand that it is not me and I canât fix anyone but myself and get back on track .
Amen!
yep, same as! I'm glad I'm not the only one who went that far!
These type of relationships are straight up spiritual warfare and if you are not calling out on the Lord and standing on God's word to bring you through this type of situation you will not make it through go check out the video by pink girl teaches it's her video about rumination it's 2 hours and 21 minutes long but you will most definitely be set free after you see that video. She addresses dealing with a narcissist from a spiritual aspect
Thank you for this. I just was beating myself up for not fighting my ex for more money but he would have drug it out for YEARS just because he loves the feed. I had a narcissistic mom then married a covert narcissist for 20 yrs and got out! He tried to drag me through the mud, all I care about is that my kids know the truth about me. I canât control what he says about me but I stand in my power and my authenticity.
Expect the worst from your Narc ex with your kids- I speak from experience. My Narc ex damaged my kids & my relationship so deeply. Talk to your kids continually about what is said about you so you can address & dispel the Narc lies.
20 yrs divorced, my son recently told me their dad would constantly tell them, âyour mom didnât just divorce me she divorced you and abandon all of usâ when I had 50-50 custody, I was the one who did all of the homework with the kids, help them with projects, put them in sports, took them to sports, made sure they had clean clothes and sports uniforms, make sure they were eating healthy and learning to be kind and responsible humans etc.
He just played with them on the weekends and destroyed their hearts, Their personal confidence, and made them feel abandoned by their own mom.
Narcissists can be pure evil.
Amen. Evil personified.
Good for you!
This video just changed my life and gave me the extremely painful truth I've been avoiding for years. I've been addicted and delusional hoping and praying it wasn't true but they literally describe her perfectly. The love of my life. Wow.
Oh, he remembers everything he's done. He just lies about it.
I knew my ex had experienced breathtaking cruelty from his mother as a child - so I found it hard to leave (and of course my own self esteem was in the gutter after time spent with him) Itâs very sad - but the truth is - they wreak a lot of damage. I fell for the damaged little boy.
I know my spouse came from that as well (thatâs why everyday is a battle trying to understand him and trying to help him adjust to be a better dad). How to break the cycle? I tries to shield my kids and not wanting this narcissistic passing down or effects to my kids so much!
I certainly get this. I have been married for 40 years to a Narcissist. I have found my power, and even more so watching this. Thanks for confirming everything. We must be tough.
Thank you ladies!!! I canât believe how many people are dealing with a narcissist in their life right now; I am making a change right now, life is very short â€đ
Good on you†peace will come your way, trust and believe me when I say that. Leave, don't do anything else, but leave. The rest will follow! One step in front of the other, I KNOW you've had enough. I left two weeks ago. Whew, I was in deep because we lived together I stayed for far too long. Almost four years! My life is MY life now and when I tell you the peace you will find, have and discover..nothing will make you ever thing about going back again. You deserve it đđŒ
Thank you so much! I am going to leave; I stayed way too longâŠThank you so much for your support â€đ
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (certainly different from just being a Narcissist) is THE SECOND HAND SMOKE of mental health, according to Dr. Ramani. Please, arm yourself with knowledge and understand one thing: THEY. NEVER. CHANGE.
Ćžou Ă re dealing with a xevil
Wrong information, đź
After 22 yrs my narcissist started showing his true colors a few years ago! Now heâs got me. We are not married and live in different houses, however, I work for this narcissists. I had for years . The problem is now he will hold money over me. I do get a PayChex but now he really gives me a hard time if I need extra. I am also a caregiver and legal guardian of my Mother, I have to work for him because I need the flexibility to take care of my Mother. I am now experiencing the silent treatment going on 3 threes now. Had our first talk today and of course itâs me who cut off communication!!! I am 62 years old he is 65. I went through years of therapy not to fall into this again!! Guess what I did!! I was fine before I met him! I was healthy, I knew who I was now at 62 back to square one!
I've learned the best way to deal with these people is to just walk away. While they're in the midst of a tantrum, they don't hear you or see you. Their rage is all that matters. I've done that recently and even told the person that, if they continue to act out that way, I would personally pack their stuff and take them home. I was very calm and very firm when I said it. I ended it with I've left situations before for a lot less and you darn well know it. They knew by tone and the fact I've removed myself from toxic relationships before I wasn't playing. I've not had much more trouble out of them. They have to have very clear boundaries and if those don't work, walk away
I say this after breaking the need to be addicted to someone. You have to get to the point your sanity is more important than your addiction to the person. When you can decide that, then you can draw the boundary
Ppl feel helpless when they know what Iâm going through. Especially since heâs SO nice and helpful to their needs. And appears to be generous to me too
My covert narcissist child is married to a grandiose narcissist! Talk about EXPLOSIVE arguments! They conclude theyâre always both right & focus on how everyone around them is messed up. They are NEVER wrong, NOT EVER!
I say run! They donât change. Even if at first they make u feel like they understand, few minutes later , theyâre back to their ahole selves. Itâs exhausting for the other person and no one deserves to be treated like that. These people need to be by themselves and get professional help. My mother is a narc and I let her go 6 years ago for my own good. Sadly my ex is one and I woke up and took my power. Only person I want to please is me.
Iâm currently building a ministry for women and children leaving abusive relationships so they will have somewhere to go immediately and get their lives back together. Iâm recruiting counselors, lawyers, law enforcement, and others for my Board of Directors. Shelters are great but middle class women need somewhere safe and long term to live in order to rebuild their lives. The courts are corrupt and expensive and narcissists will fight you for years and try to destroy you. I want to help people to flee and have support they so desperately need. Thank you, Mel and Rebecca, for helping with this information. I am currently writing a book as well about my own journey through family court and the corruption I discovered. God bless you both. â€ïžđ
What corruption?
I had to deal with a narcissist who thought he was in control of me and our situation, so I took the control away from him. He thought he was the bomb and had many people fooled. He was very condescending, thought he was smarter than everyone else, mocked his friends, manipulative, etc. He just thought he was going to control me. I had to show him otherwise. He is no longer in my life and that's fine with me. He was and I imagine still is insufferable. I just can't be bothered because life is too short and precious to waste. I taught him a lesson and I was done.
My mom did the same, she divorced his sorry ass self! He is still "insufferable" and I just don't care about his problems, that he caused us. He's pathetic!
I wish I could Lynn
Mel !! Itâs my husband! And I canât leave right now. I just listen to Dr. Ramani talk about how to âgray rockâ the narcissist and also used the termâfirewallâ as a way of not letting them close enough to hurt you Then when her podcast was over, look, here you come with Rebecca Zung!!! Iâm so grateful to be awake at 4:00 am to listen to your podcast. Thank you so much
When you were in the middle of talking about the love bombing stage, you said âa magical love storyâ I broke down and cried. It almost feels like I was tricked, duped and I fell for it. I remember feeling like I was on top of the world, floating amongst the stars, where had he been all my life. So much romance. I couldnât stop smiling. I had wanted to be loved like this my whole life and here I was at 57 years old and itâs happening. Weâll, needless to say we got married and not long after the nuptials he said something very out of character and mean and I was in shock. I couldnât even respond I was so hurt. This shit is really hitting home with me and it sucks. Iâm pretty much financially dependent on him and Iâm not happy. I feel trapped. I donât know what to do
The wheels have definitely come off! Lying, cheating, smear campaigns, oh my goodness! What is next?!
@@sheilamusker-lovett4472
Same here!! Try to build boundaries, get at least a part time job if you can or see if you can move in with a friend or family member. Just know it does get worse, never better. Hugs and praying for you!! đđœâ„ïž
Itâs hard with husbands, by now you guys trauma bonding đą
When I didn't know I was in a narcissistic relationship 10 years ago I told her I'm an abandoned child so I spent 10 years promising I'll never abandon her I promise and I always keep my words until I realize what a narcissistic person is after she announced in front of everybody near and far of ear range calling me out for being a narcissus to her so I just walked away from her for ever slow but sure
Crazy part is they are the most insecure people in the world. I've dealt with various types. Having a strong mindset and deep understanding in psychology will help you deal with them. You have to learn how to dance in the rain. Don't feed their fire, play your cards right and then walk away.
I am . . . Getting in a car TOMORROW w/ a narcissist and her âtoxic stewâ .
Thanks to you, I am PREPARED to SLAY the dragon and ENJOY Thanksgiving weekend.
I have been DREADING , DREADING this road-trip! Iâm going to take my power back.
And STAND up for myself AND my family.
Valuable information!
Thank You for sharing your insightful wisdom!
How did your trip go Anita Diener? Been thinking of you.
@anitadinner how did it go?
Maybe it didn't go well? You don't slay these people, you absolutely minimise any contact with them, don't respond to their tactics, you are dealing with someone with the emotional literacy of a 5 year old. When a child throws a tantrum you don't do the same as them. You show maturity.
Take a book and tell them you are reading. That helps me. Lol
Just PLEASE ! Stay Connected to your Intuition and Be SAFE !
I think this âBlindnessâ you discuss helps us understand and not react, so it is very helpful, thank you. The only problem with âfeeling sorryâ for the person is getting sucked in again and forget the unpredictable way they can behave. I think staying in vigilant mode with boundaries is key.
Exactly never ever let your guard down these people never change..they pretend to forget things but know exactly what theyâre doing..one word đââïž RUN
Thank you so much for bringing this topic up. Hope I can deal with my husbandâs narcissistic patterns without going crazy every time . We are married for 7 years and I become the âcrazyâ wife⊠unbelievable.
long story short: You gotta behave like a narcissist to stop, outsmart or counter a narcissist. No thank you. I stay with no contact. Thank you for the Interview/Talk.
I was disappointed because I was hoping to hear real deal tips for those of us who cannot go no contact due to having children with them. Instead I hear, âBeing able to sit with ex-narc at a performance your shared child is in and then go for pizza afterwardâŠ?â WTH! No thank you! đ€Šââïž
I understood the âSâ part it as being clear with them about your intentions.
Remarkable!! This is what hope feels like. One of the things I gained is that they didn't pick you because you're a piece of crap..no, it's because you're so valuable. Wow! again. Mel, you're a bright shining star to myself and so many. Thank you BIG!!
Ya, the victim is very valuable to them.... Just don't want you to realize.
They prey on you because you have no boundaries or self worth.