ONE SIMPLE HABIT to improve any relationship ❤️
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- čas přidán 9. 06. 2024
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TIMELINE
0:00 Intro
0:18 Romantic relationships, for example
1:04 Bids for connection
1:49 3 ways to respond
2:08 Towards
2:33 Away
2:51 Against
3:41 What so many people don't realize
4:31 Tip 1
4:58 Tip 2
5:17 Tip 3
6:02 Outro
6:17 Bloopers 😜
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❤ Sadia
I've found that examples are incredibly helpful for understanding how we might be inadvertently turning away or against others in our conversations without realizing it:
BID: This article is so interesting!
RESPONSES:
- Towards: Oh yeah? What's it about?
- Away: Mhmmm, cool.
- Against: It must be nice to have so much time to read.
BID: You wouldn’t believe how difficult my day’s been.
RESPONSES:
- Towards: Oh no, what happened?
- Away: You think you had a hard day? Well, I have a story for you!
- Against: When do you not have a bad day?
BID: That was such an intense rainfall last night!
RESPONSES:
- Towards: Yeah, that was super weird, right?
- Away: I guess.
- Against: You’re always so dramatic, it wasn’t that bad.
BID: This isn’t working, could you come help me out for a second?
RESPONSES:
- Towards: Sure thing, I’m just in the middle of something right now, but I can come in 10 minutes.
- Away: (ignores the request)
- Against: Figure it out yourself!
Lots of love to you, thanks for taking the time to watch and read! 🫶
Thanks sooo much
I love the examples listed here. Thank you. I never really looked at it this way, and running toward, turning away, and turning against clearly delineated the reaction to the bid. I have been guilty of turning away and turning against, and watching your video is a wake-up call to do better.
Is your "culture" lgbwhatever??
"Pandering" and "woke" is always a bad idea.
I bet you're a carnivore in private
I like this video :) looking forward to next Tuesday a cup of tea video
the turning against examples seem to be responses for grudges being held as a result of lack of communication. great video as always 🥰
A friend and I were discussing how people fall out of love a while back, and my friend said, "Love is a verb (action) and not a feeling, and feeling follows actions." The friend turned out to be my boyfriend eventually. :)
🥹 aw i love that! this is so wholesome!
You boyfriend is John Mayer?
Love that answer. Super beautiful.
@@DBMarquesShahah..maybe 😉
The fact that this mindset came from your partner himself is great! I love that for you!
A standing ovation for Robin's acting skills is mandatory 😂😂😂
Haha I was going to say the same! 😂
I ' m in a relationship for 13 years now and I can totally agree. Also, I would like to add: You don't always need to agree (sunset e.g.), but if you have a different opinion, it helps to just react with curiosity: "Ah you like this flower? What do you like about it?" or "You like the sound of the bird, what does it make you feel / think of?" You don't always need to agree or tell your opinion, but be interested in the other person.
You know that’s the thing , it’s hard to be always interested. In my case I am just talking about relationship with people in general. Some people talk about other people most of the time and it is so draining. On the contrary I will like anything and everything but not talks about other people or something that lacks depth.
@@gauraiyah Yeah I know, I feel the same. However, we could go deeper and ask people who talk about others all the time about their feelings and needs about it. My grandma for example, is so angry with politicians and talks about how bad people they are all the time. Everyone just tries to calm her down, but I once asked a simple question: "Grandma, I hear it's about justice for you, right? You just want a just politics." And she sayd "yes!" with so much relief that her body sunk down and after that she was quiet and smiled.
Sometimes people just want to tell us something about themselves, something deeper, by gossiping or other superficial talk. We can try to ask them about it, make en ampathic guess and see if we can take the conversation to a deeper level. I say this to you, as well as to myself, because I sometimes forget. Thanks for reminding me through your comment
@@sukikayanderson6051 Thank you so much for the reply. I will remember this ! 🌸
The best piece of advice I got from my mum, when I was a teenager was: consider that the way you see the world is your personal ''map of the world'' filled with your experiences, filters, education... And that the other person in front of you has its own personal map of the world... It has helped me soooo much understanding that we do not see things perfectly the same way. Simple but so so much impact on any of my relationship❤❤
This is a great advice!! :D
Thank you for sharing this!
Exactly! Every person is a different world! I've lived by this since I understood it and it saves me from complaining and criticizing others
Ohh wow❤️
"The secret to strong, healthy relationships isn't in grand gestures, but in these small, often overlooked ways we can turn towards the people we most care about."
"The strongest relationships are those where the effort is consistently made in those tiny moments."
I guess the advice that I am still learning is to not assume what the other person thinks if you do not know, better ask. A lot of miscommunication, arguments and bad mood can be avoided that way.
I’m learning that too, it’s tough being an over thinker 😂
Euf that's so true, and one I need to get better at for sure (professional overthinker over here 😅) - thanks so much for sharing the reminder !
Absolutely. When people don't communicate, resentments & "harboring" happens.
@@theartalli I fully understand, as I am an overthinker too. I guess I will never master this, but I can be better at this. ;)
@@PickUpLimes I guess I tag along with this learning, a little step each time. Sometimes one or two backward, but hopefully more forwards. :)
Loved this video! My husband and I who have been together for over 30 years have a '10 talk' everyday. This is a simple conscious effort to talk to each other exclusively everyday about anything that's on our mind. We have a large, messy and loud family so it's often difficult to grab that moment so before our beautiful family were around we developed this daily habit. Sometimes it's just 5 minutes and a hug, others it can turn into 30 minutes of intense conversation but we make time because it makes us, us!
This is lovely. Thanks for sharing ❤
Ooh love this, might sneak this into my day with Husb of 35 years...!!
Great tips !!😮😃
I love the Lumineers line: The opposite of love is indifference
Absolutely right!
Me too!
I have a friend in the band, I'll let him know they are making a difference)
Robin’s responses were actually hilarious
😂
His acting omg 😇
I was thinking the same 😅
"I've seen better" 😂
"what's wrong with you"?😂
Robin in the bloopers 😂❤
😂 hahaha good fun!
Drama queen much ? 😂😂
Thanks Sadia. I’m on vacation with my husband and we had a bad fight. I was in a sour mood and found this video while desperately searching for something to make me feel better. The video is VERY helpful AND the best part was Robin’s bloopers. I was NOT expecting them and was caught completely off guard and his lines made me laugh out loud and I remembered… beneath all the crazy, my husband is a good man who’s doing his best. So I’m ready to shower and get dressed up for a nice little evening date. Thanks so much!!
I hope he turned towards your gesture to repair :)
I think one of the relationships where this is really underrated is the parent-to-kid relationship. We get so busy with everything else that turning toward them is a fight in itself. But if we don't, we could face them locking us out of their lives during their teen years and strained relationships as adults.
I had the same thoughts. This is a good reminder for me to be more responsive with my kids.
If I look at it truthfully I am more often than not turning away in the ways described in the video
When I am having a bad day with work or anything outside my relationship, I will sometimes walk by my husband and literally say, I need a hug... and I get one. It makes me feel supported, even though I know my husband can't fix things for me. It also help him feel supportive, without having to come up with solutions.
I'm crying little tears of joy right now, because i just realised that this is what makes my relationship so special.
My biggest takeaway is that "bids for connection are everywhere". Just looking at this comment section it is clear that we are wired to engage, see one another, discuss, share, learn, teach, show up, laugh... Beautiful video, it made my week, thank you! :)
what's amazing about this, is that it can also happen with perfect strangers
This is wonderful, simple, and very meaningful advice! My husband and I have been married for over 20 years and watching this makes me realize that we have both worked to get better at turning towards each other. The life of a relationship has many phases and sometimes you won't be able to do this for each other in a completely even, consistent way, but prioritizing this kind of connection over time keeps things strong. By turning toward, I am always learning new things from my husband and getting to know him better as we both evolve and grow. I love this kind of content from you, Sadia, thanks for bringing back teatime Tuesdays! And thanks to Robin for the roleplaying, so great!! xo
It sounds like such a beautiful relationship you two have! 🥰 I completely understand what you mean-since I've started asking more questions and actively 'turning towards,' I feel like I'm learning so much more about Robin too. It's helped strengthen our relationship so much in the short few months we've both been practicing it. And thank you for your kind words about his role-playing; haha I think he's such a natural! We had a lot of fun filming it! Thank you for being here and taking the time to watch, dear friend 🫶
This video’s tip is a great one! I’m married 30 years and the tip I would to share is that we all thrive with some appreciation. Anything your partner does for…any action , support, comfort is worth saying thank you …showing appreciation encourages your partner to repeat these kindnesses, feel seen, heard and appreciated. It’s almost magic! Love your channel! Ellen
I once read something very important: if you need to tell your partner about something you don’t like that they did, don’t say: “you are inconsiderate/irresponsible/etc because this and that” but instead say “you not doing this/when you said this MADE ME FEEL x way”. The second way is better because you’re letting them know how you feel without criticizing them, since that makes them focus more on the fact that you only critize instead of the fact that they did something that hurt you
I enjoyed this video. My struggle is that some people seek validation continuously from others. Giving a positive response to their bid, instead of providing safety, comfort and contentment, produces a constant stream of more bids for attention (especially if they have burned other connections/friends) to the extent that it feels overwhelming… this becomes even more difficult when said person is a parent or sibling.
But within the parameters of emotionally stable and healthy people I think this advice is spot on!
I very much relate, I try to deal with it by communicating how often I'm available
Hello Sadia, I have been watching pic up limes videos since 2017. At that time I was a stressed law student. First I watched your video about minimalism. Since then I have become a regular viewer. When I was in university I was so stressed with my studies and for me, your videos were like therapy.🤍 I tried a couple of your recipes. Now my mom and I have become tofu fans🤭😊 I never knew we could eat this much vegan food until I found your channel. So thank you for doing what you are doing.💐 love from Sri Lanka 😘🇱🇰
Aw I'm so happy our videos and recipes brought you and your mom so much joy (tell her I say hi!). And tofu is pretty awesome, hey? Such a versatile little ingredient. Thanks for your lovely message and for being a part of our community. Sending love back to you in Sri Lanka! 💗
Are you a lawyer now? If so, how do you like it?
@@PickUpLimes thank you for replying 🥹😍🤍
I didn't think a Pick Up Limes video would be making me cry but here I am.
Me too!
We had this family habit at home to kiss everyone goodbye, when leaving home or going to bed, to ask for a hug if needed and to talk about anything that made us feel bad with respect. My mum was a teacher and I have always feel so lucky, because she managed to inspire me such a caring, loving, respectful way of treat others ❤ my boyfriend did not grow up in such an environment, but we try to work the same habits, as well as communicating without jugdment (not easy but worrh it 😊)
When I learned about this study it gave me a new perspective on toxic relationships; when making those bids people can often stay because turning against was still better than turning away. That need for connection runs deep!
I have two things that I worked on improving in my reationships: Don't go for the fix and it's not a competition. Oftentimes the other person doesn't need/want advice but just someone who listens and lets them vent so they feel heard and seen (=appreciated and taken seriously). They don't need my "Have you tried this?" or "If I were you I would ...". Unless they specifically ask for my advice, I just listen and support.
Regarding the competition thing, I often immediately went like "Oh, you think YOU have it rough? Well, newsflash!" I internalised that pain is always real to everyone and that it always hurts, regardless of outside circumstances and that it doesn't matter if other people have it worse. This person in this instance is suffering and it might be their whole world right now. So if I want them to feel better, I have to acknowledge that.
Robin was so funny in the outtakes. “Drama Queen much?” Was my favourite. 😂
For me the most valuable advice was that relationships are in cycles, every few years the agreement of what that relationship means needs to be renewed. Sometimes an old relationship needs to die to let a new one be born. Maybe with other people or with the same one. I heard my therapist saying she married many times... the same man.
I literally just had an argument with my fiancé about this two days ago and I was at a loss of words trying to explain to him with the proper diction! This couldn't have come at a better time, thank you so much for this invaluable insight!
Like if you agree Sadia should start her podcast . Her voice is so soothing that I can forever listen to her 💖
Glad to see you back Sadia and I really really never missed any one of your videos you are my inspiration and I wish you have a blessed week ahead♥️♥️🥹🥹
Geez you're always the sweetest and best cheerleader Mansoor, thank you!! Wishing you a lovely week ahead as well 🤗
As I just went through the breakup of my relationship of 23 years, I realize how relevant this has been. Both in the positive for a long time in the beginning and in the negative towards the end.
I wish I had found this advice about two years ago. It may not have saved my marriage, but it may have prevented a lot of pain.
Thank you so much for your content. ❤
We have been very happily married for 36 years. We still say please, and thank each other routinely for contributing to the care of our family and house. We also ALWAYS greet each other when we come in from being away, and when we depart we always say goodbye. Sometimes we tell each other when we need time to wind down alone when we are tired and cranky. We both give and receive that gift freely, so it’s never a cause for conflict. Treat your lover like the most important person you have ever met… because they are!
The bloopers at the end had me giggling. So adorable. Thanks for sharing your relationship with us.
Thank you for this informative video! I miss your Tea Time Tuesdays. ☕️
My partner and I have been together for 10+ years and 5 of those years we did long distance. What helps our relationship is keeping the laughter and fun. We also have hobbies that we do together that we both learn and grow together in. We learned each other's communication style throughout the years which took a lot of patience and willingness to communicate and be vulnerable with one another. I've learned to not take things personally and my partner learned how to better engage with me. And when one of us cannot be 100% emotionally available for the other, we lean onto our friends or support system, journaling, or exercise. That last one was especially important when we did long distance. Still going strong, healthy, and happy, and continually finding ways to have fun and laugh together. 💞
Favourite subject! The old one about never letting the sun set in your disagreement. Always try to "sort out" the fight or whatever it is before the next day. Also working towards goals together. A baby or a new house or a pot of savings or a trip, just saying from time to time " we are making progress in the deposit" or "this is what we have to do next if we want X , y, Z ", it not only entangles you in each other's lives, it makes you so much stronger and supportive of each other. 20 years married, 25 together. In for the long run.
Robin has a so sweet heart that even when he fakes indifference or anger he still radiates that sweetness in his eyes. ❤😅
He cannot fake or act like a bad person, his heart will still show up in his gaze!
Another big one is not only acknowledging the bids, but responding appropriately - sometimes it's best to actually ask what the other person needs: do they need empathy, a piece of advice, or simply acknowledgement? Nothing worse than getting advice when you just want to vent, or vice versa!
THIS IS WHAT I'VE BEEN TELLING EVERYONE!! Thank you for sharing this information. IT's crazy how few people know about this. I discovered your channel 6 years ago for the vegan recipes and for those 6 years I've been cooking creamy coconut milk chana daal. I'm no longer vegan, but I still love that recipe. Occassionally I see your videos and I can tell you and your partner robin are really genuine and wholesome people. thanks for sharing wholesome and genuine things with the world :)
I want to thank you for taking the time to talk about this topic. We are living in a world where everyone seems to be disconnected from others and trying to fill that with a lot of different things and the truth is that we all have the need for connection with other people.
Thank you.
Sadia, this have been the most powerful video for me. I follow you since the beginning. A couple minutes before starting your video, i was in my head wondering why i was feeling bad (its been a couple of months since my BF and I separated). I was trying to connect with any unreseolved feelings. Your video made me cry during the entire time. It was a picture of the turning away and against in my past relationships. I allowed myself to be sad. That felt liberating. You just put simple explanation on my pain... 4 years of turning away...
I will be able to identify bids for my next relationship. ❤
Ur videos are real therapy session for free... make more such videos pls.. more love to u and the pul team
Will definitely do 🤗
A lot of times, in all aspects of connection, I try to show my love by listening, REALLY listening to someone, more than speaking. I also love to give meaningful gifts versus general gifts, to show 'hey, you told me once you liked xyz, so I got something that is the same or similar'. It's honestly the little things that count.
These videos are so you! I love these type of videos. It always makes me pause and slow down. It's so cozy, heart warming. Kindly make more these type of videos
Long time married person here. In my experience, “I” statements are best received & responded to positively. (“I heard x, is that what you’re saying?“ or something similar. About sharing feelings (especially vulnerable ones), “When (action or statement), I felt x”. Long, loving, & strong relationships are based on honest, open, & mutually responsive communication. Wishing everyone love, loyalty, & friendship always.💞 Reilly☘️
Have you ever heard of anyone telling you that your way of speech is really great and makes listening much easier?
I felt that too. My attention is fixed to whatever you say......its hard to get distracted when someone speaks this clearly right.
Thank you for Tea Time Tuesday again. So refreshing to see again! This was very helpful with great advice on ways to improve relationships around us.
This has been so helpful to introspect about how I respond in my relationship! Definitely going to rewatch it with my partner, thank you Sadia 🫶 your videos are such a warm hug always 🥰
🤗
Keeping a relationship sound and healthy is so important. Thanks so much for posting this. 🤗☀️❤️
This is such a great share. I can already think of so many scenarios where the conversations left a bitter taste in my mouth when the person chose to "Turn Against" or "Turn Away".
This is exactly the conclusion I had this week while analyzing why I dont feel good in my relationship. Thanks
It's so true or comments to each other, because we rely on each other to get to be understanding to be loving kind and to love unconditionally.😊 My boyfriend of 10 years used to tell me that his love for me would go past any argument. Because in the end we were fighting on the same team
I thoroughly enjoyed watching the video! Your content always seems to synchronize perfectly with moments in my life. Can't wait for the next one!
Attachment theory and healing personal trauma - so many resources exist for this but a nice intro, supportivw community, and step by step courses are given via personal development school - they are a god send where literally all else failed me over more than a decade.
Like the way you've put gottmans bids into real life examples. It helps so much more than descriptions. Really love these teatime catch ups the most. Thank you for this one ❤
Nice to see Robin acting ☺️
He was a natural!! Haha it was loads of fun to film 😂
I love everything about this video! My husband and I took the Gotman’s relationship test and it has changed the way we understand each other. This advice is priceless and so needed in every relationship ♥️
I love your tea time Tuesday and vlogs. Please upload more of them.
❤❤❤❤
The problem starts when one person repeatedly turns towards, while the other turns away or against!
The hand on the leg graphic really drove it home for me
Never take each other for granted and practising gratitude has always strengthened all my relationships.
Thank you for your calm and clear explanation. Your videos are always thoughtful ❤
Its very important in relationships to learn how to fight...these rules help us to thrive best in low moments...we must develop a very good emotional library when we are feeling very high...they will keep us away from bad response in low mood swings because our brain will pick words from assigned library only
I love this teatime Sadia. I'm happy you brought them back.
i have bn your subscriber since 2017. and its so refreshing to see and listen to you everytime.
Connections have been fading in my relationships. I’ve been trying to reflect and learn why. But this is spot on!!! It’s so timely for me. Thanks so much for sharing this in such a beautiful and clear way 🥹 wishing you stronger and more beautiful connections in life ❤
This is so true when it comes to relationships and friendships, I love how you explain it.
This is so beautifully explained
This is exactly what I was feeling the past week with my partner and you gave me the perfects words and reasoning behind it, thank you! ❤
These tips were so useful that I can’t thank you enough!
Glad to see you staying posted :)
Your and robin's relationship sets such a great example!
Wow! You are so intelligent! It is so easy to understand something when you explain it 🤩 Thank You
I recently had a 10 year friendship fall apart and this could not have come at a better time!
This is great. Thanks for sharing. One thing that helps us is when we have had a fight or a disagreement we have a few little tells that we do that don’t involve bringing up the fight or even having to admit someone “won” over the other. So we never actually apologise for fighting with each other but when one of us wants to clear the air or make peace we speak through a teddy bear or just send a stupid gif. Do something to make the other person smile. And sometimes it takes more effort to be in the receiving end of that. To allow my anger to dissipate and allow myself to smile and let go but we both make every effort to making the other person smile and also accepting these “bids” for peace.
Loved this! Great one!❤
This is spot on. Thank you for putting this all so well.
Got it 🙋🏻♂️
I will apply this along with my wife.
35 years of marriage is a good start and leaves room for improvement ❤
Awesome practical advice. Great to see you back!!
I was wondering if it would be this! I read about this a while back, and it was really revelatory for me. You can't unsee the fundamental nature of relationships this is describing.
I was so looking forward to Robin's different responses. Love it ❤
😂 Robin was being sassy/ spicy at the end. Thank you Sadia for PUL. 🍃Can honestly say this channel and the content produced over the past 7 years I've been watching has literally changed my life for the better❤
I have not heard of this before Sadia. Thank you so much for sharing this with us. It makes so much sense! My husband and I have been married nearly 20 years but always willing to learn. xx
thank you for the very helpful video 🤍 definitely food for thought. well done, PUL team!
This is helping me see just how much I turn away from others. I tend to let my anxiety and fears stop me from reaching out to others and connect with them in a way that could benefit both of us. I have been challenging myself to ask more questions and initiate physical contact where applicable. Now I better understand the importance of doing so. I have been unknowingly pushing people away with my indifference and fear of connection. I didn't realize how discouraging this was.
Sadia ..it is so fulfilling watching you and Robin together...you always come up with valuable content and thank you for that..I hope you have a great life ahead
Aw thanks so much for all the love dear friend 💛
Such a profound insight! One of your best videos to date! Congratulations Sadia, keep them coming!❤️👍🏼
I’ve been feeling a little unheard in my relationship lately and I didn’t know why. It’s great to finally understand! Thanks for uploading such an informative and well crafted video :) (as always)
I really appreciate this advice. Infact I always experienced these instances of turning towards, against and away....but didn't know the bid for connection concept. It's amazing and true to the core. It reinforces the truth that is the core of my existence.
Thank you PIL. Really indebted to you 🙏
This video is such a great reminder for me that I haven’t been really turning towards my husband’s bids for some time. Thank you so much!!
Thank you so much for always being so inspiring. Your videos truly are making the world a better place! 💛
Thank you!! 🌻
Absolutely agree with you. I already knew this piece of advice but seeing examples (shown back-to-back) will make it so clear for anyone who's never heard of it. 👏👏👏
Love this! Dr. Gottman is a genius. :) Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for this video. I realized I turn away a lot mostly because distracted. Going to change that, thanks ❤
How eloquently you explained ❤❤❤
I love Tea Time Tuesday, thanks Sadia!
I love your videos. There is something so peaceful about them
I literally JUST read about this in Psychology Today magazine and am so happy you are bringing it up 🙏🏼
This is so simple but such a gamechanger! Thank you!
This is by far the best video about handling relationships that I've watched. Thank you for this.
Thank you Sadia, for offering freely such profound content and in a palatable way.
That video is so so wonderful ❤️🙏 and so true information and comes at the exact right time for me. I hope that I can deepen my relationship more with this and not unconsciously break it with turning away without knowing
nice video! I agree 💯 I think we need to engage more with our loved ones and show them that we care!