The first month as a foster parent
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- čas přidán 14. 09. 2022
- This video is an overview of what to expect in the first month, based on my own experiences and the families I work with. Here's what I cover:
Intro
You’ve just said yes
When the child arrives
Getting supplies for the first day
First court hearing
Getting organized
Lining up child care / School
First medical appointment
Establishing a visitation schedule
Other appointments that may happen
Fostering with a spouse/partner
Establishing your relationship with the parents
Establishing your relationship with the child
Supporting the child’s needs (sleep, eating, hygiene)
Your own self-care
Curveballs that could happen during the 1st month
Final thoughts & tips
Coming up next
When you say “rest is natural and normal and needed”, thank you so much, that moves me. When I was homeless as a teenager and couch surfing with other families, one family kicked me out in a screaming match because I was so fatigued all the time that I was struggling to get up for school in time. The mother accused me of being selfish and entitled and failing to “follow the rules” like her daughter had to. At the time I was so ashamed and self loathing. It was almost a decade before I understood that the fact that I was exhausted from being HOMELESS after getting kicked out of home by my ABUSIVE family was totally normal!!!
Hi I am a social worker that struggles with a severely limited number of fosters in my area. Thank you for producing this spot on content.
Thank you for doing the usually thankless job you do. I know it's not easy at all. Just know you are appreciated
Im a foster mom to I noticed the hidden food in mines room. I will say everyone handles it differently. I took my little one to get his own little icebox and a little shelf and let him pick out the snack he wanted and made is own snack shelf i told him he could put it anywere he wanted. He wanted it in his room and he keeps it clean with help. He stoped hiding food. Its not from everyone it works for us. I wanted to let you know i really enjoy your videos thank you for posting. Have a blessed day.
I love this! Thank you for sharing 🙏
Great idea!
Thank you for your service
I am a chronically anxious person who has always thought about fostering. Videos like yours demystify it and help me think I could actually do it one day. It is nice to know what I could expect
I was in foster care in 1948-1954. Thank you for your videos!!
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How much has it changed since that time? Do you think foster care is better or worse now than when you were growing up?
You bring a light to a world of darkness. Your heart is pouring with compassion and sympathy. Keep making your foot print in these individuals worlds. You will impact their lives with a positive continuous while moving forward, especially the kids that will become young adults. Sending you all the positive loving energy your way.
Please talk more about bedtime my little one is having some pretty long melt downs and I feel like I'm trying everything but nothing is working. I feel terrible just sitting there with them and just letting them cry till they fall asleep. They are crying because they miss their parents.
I'm not a Foster parent. But no one has answered so I will. You are sitting there as they cry themselves to sleep. You are there. No one can take the place of their parent. But you are there with them and they are not alone. That matters.
Imagine yourself in their shoes - there is a problem you have (moved out of home, potential trauma, whatever else) and it obviously can’t be solved. It can be improved over time, but that takes a long time. For now, all you want is someone to hear you, someone to know that you’re going through it, and to share that burden a little by listening to any sound or gesture you make. The next thing you want depends entirely on the day, the minute, the hour, but sometimes other things help - maybe today you just want to be left alone, tomorrow you really need a hug from your best friend, and the next day you just want someone to care enough to make you a hot drink and let you talk it out. Sometimes you don’t know what’s going to help, but someone might give some suggestions, and you’ll probably say no to all of them unless they get lucky, but you don’t want them to feel mad with you that they weren’t able to actually do anything, so in the end you just say “it would help a lot if you left me alone” or “can you please just stay here with me?”
All that depends on the age, young kids probably have trouble regulating their emotions even without trauma, some kids without trauma cry themselves to sleep some nights anyway, just from being a bit overwhelmed that day, and many kids don’t have the life experience or the mental capacity to be able to stay calm enough to know what they want at all, and you just have to feel it out, try some comforting things they might like based on interactions, maybe they can fall asleep to their favourite tv show, or some calm music, who knows?
You’re doing the right thing by just being there to start with, it’ll calm down when a kid gets a little more comfortable over time
I agree with everything that
@Susan Ollington said. She said it much better than I did.
Just take it day-by-day and be empathic, kind, and caring to the child.
Provide them with what they need in that moment.... And be understanding if they are not sure what they do need.
Kids love their parents. Even when parent(s) are neglectful, abusive, sick (mentally or physically), struggling with addiction, or living in a domestic violence situation.... or too poor to take care of them properly....
You can never replace their parents, but what you *can* do is provide them with stability, attention, and care - both physical and emotional - that their parent is unable to provide at this time.
Do not feel terrible if you are unable to comfort the child. Just do your best to give them what they need. There's no one answer or solution for every child.
Most importantly, make sure you consistently *show* & *tell* the child that they are safe with you, that you will take care of them, and they can trust you.
And that you are there to take care of them and keep them safe until their parent is able to do so again.
Good luck, and bless you for caring for this foster child. 💜
I would think if they're of an age to tell you at all, knowing anything about the routine they're used to that _could_ be reproduced would help... things like whether there's a stuffed animal they slept with, or a special pillow, or a song. If you can't find out any of that, it might help to develop such a routine, especially to the extent you have noticed anything about what senses that child is most attuned to. Maybe some mild lavender fragrance _if they are not sensitive to fragrances_ for calming, or taking a certain toy to bed, or having something comforting you whisper into the pillowcase with them beside you "so you will have sweet dreams." A sound machine used to help my little nephew relax enough to nap when he would visit; he spoke Spanish and would ask for the _'ritos_ (birdies 🐦).
I remember when I was put in foster care because my mom was in rehab. I had just graduated from 6th grade. I feel like my foster mom was somewhat fortunate because I didn’t need to have many therapies other than my normal therapist that I’d been seeing at the time and physical therapy + vision therapy. I dont remember if I needed a court mandated physical.
Your content is exquisite 🎉
Thank you for watching and considering!
Good for you. I know someone who grew up in the system. Nothing would would mentally prepare you for what they lived through. Glad you are taking a proactive approach to help people understand the situation and how to prepare
This is so incredibly helpful! We are looking to foster and I really appreciate all your honesty and wisdom!!
Haha, you forgot to mention that saying "yes" does not mean you will for sure get the placement! I said yes a couple days ago and about 4 hours later (after a bit of a frantic shopping and cleaning) found out that luckily the children were able to stay with a relative and didn't need to enter foster care. Obviously that's a great outcome for the children and bio family, still pretty emotionally draining though!
I am not a foster parent but I just really admire you! I love your videos & shorts on this topic. You just seem like the sweetest person ever! I am positive that the social workers wish they had 10 more of you & your husband. ❤
I would love to hear you talk about the racial dynamics of being a white foster parent when so many kids in the system are of color (depending on location I suppose) and how you can address trust in ways that understand the history of racial trauma around white parents taking care of kids of color, or even just the idea that you’re part of a system that is taking their kids away
Please add “Part One” to the title of this video. I had to search to find it. It will help you get more views ;-)
This was so helpful to have an overview as someone who is just getting into foster caring. I have a questions, how do you get a child trough the first few nights? Since sleeping at someone else's house is usually allready scary for children, let alone with all the trauma an possibly no contact to familiar faces on top of that. How do you approach it, and what has been your experience with how children and teens react the first few nights?
I fostered a few times. The last one was a 3 almost 4 yr old girl and her 9 month old sister. A niece by marriage thru my ex husband. I didn't know the kids, the baby immediately attached herself to by husband. I believe due to trauma from female family she had been cared for, or should I say not cared for. He basically held her any time she was awake or she cried. Thank goodness he was retired or I'm afraid she would have had to go to work with him lol he rocked her to sleep and when she woke at night he got up with her and gave her a bottle and rocked her back to sleep. When I tried she cried and cried. The older one, attached herself to me right away. She asked a lot of questions, and I answered best I could at age appropriate of course. She had issues with food, she wasn't fed enough when living with mom and grandma and they withheld food as punishment. So that was hard to convince her that would never happen at my house. I had to reassure her multiple times a day. She had a hard time believing me I think. So at breakfast she would say thank you so much for cooking for me. Then follow that with is this what we have for the day? Are we eating dinner today? I would always reassure her of course we would be eating more. A snack after breakfast some lunch another snack dinner etc. I showed her the pantry and fridge with plenty of food in them and told her when she would like something to come and get me and I would help her reach it and get it ready. If she didn't ask, I offered snacks thru out the day in case she was too scared to ask me. The trauma this poor little one had been thru was so sad. She literally had no trust when she came to me. Her first few nights, I asked her if she would like to sleep in the room near her sister. I had a crib in the guest room and a full size bed. I told her I would sleep on the couch since it was closer to their room in case she needed me. So I did that a few nights. She only woke twice the first night. I went in and talked to her and hugged her and reassured her I was there and she was safe. So I just recommend being close by, making sure they know where you will be in case they wake and need you. Leave a night light on so they can see.
@@lauradavis4848 This just broke my heart! You are literally an angel to these kids! It’s so sad to think of just how traumatic withholding food is to a small child! Children at that age are usually hating to stop playing to eat or whining about having to eat vegetables, so it would just absolutely break my heart to hear a little one asking questions like that! My God, that’s so sad.
@@christinafidance340 these little girls broke my heart so much. The longer they were there, the more the 3 yr old revealed to me. That's how I found out she had food withheld for behavior. She broke a toy one day that was my grandsons toy. When she broke it, she was in her room playing and I hear her crying. I go in and ask what is wrong. She tells me the toy broke. I said it's OK, we will buy another one. Then she said, so I won't have dinner tonight? I said why would you not eat, do you feel sick? She said if you break a toy, or act a brat you don't eat at my grandma's house. I took her into my lap, gave her a hug and told her I'm sorry she had to go thru that. Then reassured her that would never happen at my house. She said what if I have an accident and wet my pants? I said we will get you cleaned up and put clean clothes on. She said will I still get to eat? I said of course you will get to eat every day when you want, always. She never did wet herself. But that told me what happened at her grandma's house when she did. I just can't fathom being mean to anyone, but to babies? My brain doesn't work like that.
@@lauradavis4848The other awful thing is that *treating a child like that doesn't work*. Not that it would be justifiable to use those "parenting" techniques even if they did work, but they don't. Withholding food from a child as punishment (for breaking something or wetting themselves, or anything else) does not make the child less likely to do those things. If anything, it increases the likelihood the kid will make mistakes or have accidents, because they are anxious and scared.
So not only does the "caregiver" treat a child appallingly and probably cause lifelong trauma, but they don't even achieve the behaviour they're trying for.
@@lauradavis4848The other awful thing is that *treating a child like that doesn't work*. Not that it would be justifiable to use those "parenting" techniques even if they did work, but they don't. Withholding food from a child as punishment (for breaking something or wetting themselves, or anything else) does not make the child less likely to do those things. If anything, it increases the likelihood the kid will make mistakes or have accidents, because they are anxious and scared.
So not only does the "caregiver" treat a child appallingly and probably cause lifelong trauma, but they don't even achieve the behaviour they're trying for.
The school - and caseworker not wanting you to speak with the teacher. That is odd to me. We are supposed to be providing these children with as normal of a childhood as possible. For the parental figure of the child, responsible for their day to day care, to not be able to talk to the teacher or school is beyond problematic.
I agree. I’d like to hear more about not being able to talk to the teacher. This is an adult who’s spending 6-8 hours a day with the child and could provide very helpful info about their struggles, peer relationships, etc,
I found that one particularly odd because to my recollection, as a CASA, I could talk to the teacher (although there were some limitations that I don't remember because being on hiatus for some time, I am behind on my continuing education).
Sorry, I am not a foster parent or parent at all, I just stumbled upon this. I would love if you can talk about foster parent concept a bit more. I assume this is not “foster to adopt” so I would love to hear the differences and different options for fostering. Thanks! You sound like a lovely foster parent
Foster parents take care of kids when their parents are unable to for whatever reason (drug issues, jail, etc.) and the goal is generally to get them back to their original home eventually.
She has since made a video about a few different kinds of fostering, including respite care and emergency fostering. Respite care is when you simply fill in for an ongoing foster parent briefly, such as taking in the child while the foster parent is sick or needing a weekend to regroup after a difficult year.
You are helping me learn how to be a better mom thank you!
Also have you ever had anyone show up to your house ?
If you mean the kid's parents or other family members, the exact address the kid is moved to is kept private.
That's a valid concern. Hope she talks about this
Thank you. Pleasant to watch, great content, happy for every child that comes to you when they have to leave their home.
Thank you so much for your incredible work sharing everything you do. You inspire me so much!
Thanks for sharing all of this. I'd heard of fostering animals but never kids before finding your channel. Thank you for what you do, this all sounds very painful and sad but must also be really rewarding.
What is wrong with you lol. What did you think happened to kids when they’re taken into care!?
@@Kirsten_is_cursed10 Charmed, I'm sure.
I'm pretty sure fostering kids came along centuries before fostering animals, so I'm fascinated by this detail.😊
I love hearing you talk about the foster care and then the children just saying that now
I stumbled on your channel a week or so ago, im curious about if you ever had a foster-to-adopt or when a parent doesnt do what their court ordered to do to get their kids back? Im not a foster parent, not sure if i want to due to my own health being a royal pain but ive almost lost my youngest cousin and his sister once due to an accident
So happy I found your videos. We should be welcoming our first kiddo within the next couple of weeks! We have a biological son who is 1 year, should I be looking for childcare for him for the family visits and meetings or would it be acceptable to bring him with?
Totally unacceptable
You mentioned case worker number that you both have on your phones. Questions: do you have a Separate Phone that you ONLY use for fosters? What do you do with that number when the child is returned? Do you erase from phone?
Could you share some of your form templates with us? You seem extremely organized and a pro !!! Love your channel btw. We are considering.❤
Thanks for the tips, I took notes!! :)
As an uncle I find this information helpful
So good. Thank you for all that info!!
The picture for emergency/running away is something I wouldn't think about. I would expect more emotions and awkwardness.
I love your videos, and hope one day to foster. I think the system needs more people, like you. I wish the system worked better.
Do you have 2 cellphones?
Do you let the kids keep electronics you buy them?
You mentioned your reunification boxes. Can you show an example?
Love the idea. Thanks.
Thank you for this video. ❤
Awesome
1. You remind me of a Saint 2. You are adorable also
I love your content, your organization, and your whole demeanor, Laura. Thank you. Unrelated to foster care but definitely related to wall decals ... it hits me right in the OCD that poor Peppa has no ground to stand on. She's just floating off the shelf at an angle. Do you have a wall decal that could serve as a footpath for poor floating Peppa? Talk about small, silly details! Keep up the good work.
Hi im loving your channel I'm a foster carer in uk. We have a sibling group long term.
I love in arkansas and Just found out on Monday that my nephew is in foster care. I have not been able to get ahold of anyone at DHS this week as it was a holiday week.. Do you have any advice for kinship care?
I would love to foster but my husband has an old marijuana charge that is a felony so we were unable to adopt when I found out I was infertile so I'm sure we would be denied for fostering also. My aunt and uncle fostered to adopt and I wish we could foster. I worked with CPS to get my niece taken from my sister due to drug and alcohol issues. She was driving with my niece while drunk and my niece was seen eating out of the trash. I tried to take her but her dad wanted her(she had never lived with him before and wanted to live with me). I see her every other weekend bc my sister has no contact now. That situation has really made me realize I wish we could foster so much. I wish they would take into consideration that my husband's felony was just marijuana.
Felony non violent drug charges are bullshit but also depending on the state your husband could fight to idk I think in my state you can get it reduced to a lesser charge but idk
@Kastyn M. they really are bullshit. It's Nebraska and cannabis is fully illegal here. No medical use is approved here. So dumb
So glad for all of you that you have remained in her life! In Seattle there is a place called the Tree House and they are always looking for volunteers to work with kids in Foster Care. I’m sure there must be other Cities that have the same types of programs that would love to have you as a volunteer💗
@@lorinelsen-allen1379 thanks for the suggestion! I will look into this bc I would love to help in that way
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What state are you dealing with
Was there a follow up video to this?
I've been into watching fostering videos lately, just purely out of curiosity. However, since I'm also an adult gymnast, is that pink looking bar in the background a gymnastics kip bar? My curious mind wants to know. :)
I think you are like a saint. 🥰
There is no need to treat people like saviors. Taking care of children should be a bare minimum expectation for humanity.
What if the bio parents harangue the child? Like sneak and contact the kid at school? Or just show up at an unscheduled time?
If you find out, talk to the case worker about it, or if it’s an emergency call the police
If you’re not aware of it, hope someone else realises something is wrong and calls the police
Hi I’m a person who has a disability, and my partner has disabilities. I’m also a lesbian would these factors prevent my domestic partner & I from fostering / adopting in the future because we would love to help children because she was a foster child herself & is passionate about making a child’s life better.
I have a question … do you ever have fear of a foster child hurting your biological children and if so, how do you deal with that?
I don’t think she has bio children based on my binge watching but perhaps she’s addressed this concern along the way?
I think there’s a channel called Be The Village where they have bio children - they might talk about it there
Hi I am very interested in becoming a CASA. I live in CA (Sacramento area) and would appreciate any help in finding out how to get started. I appreciate any and all info on becoming a CASA.
@kelseykreppel same vibe