Real Lawyer Reacts to LAWYER JOKES // LegalEagle
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- čas přidán 3. 07. 2019
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What do you call 10,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean...funny!
Learn to write GOOD jokes with 2 months of unlimited learning on SKILLSHARE for FREE: legaleagle.link/skillshare
All kidding aside, go watch Dr. Mike. He’s great: / doctormike
You might be surprised, but I actually love lawyer jokes. Sadly, I think the public estimation of lawyers has actually gone up, which means the prevalence of lawyer joke has gone down. Feels like people really hated lawyers in the 80’s and 90’s but now people just kind of accept them [very Mr. Burns voice: Excellent…]
Anyway, I know you make fun of us because you love us! Here’s my reaction to a collection of lawyer jokes from around the internet and whether they hold a kernel of truth.
BTW, I’ll be at VidCon and EduCon July 8-13! Come say hi...I’ll be the old man wearing a tie.
And send in memes for my upcoming meme review here: / legaleagledj
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I get asked a lot about whether being a practicing attorney is like being a lawyer on TV. I love watching legal movies and courtroom dramas. It's one of the reasons I decided to become a lawyer. But sometimes they make me want to pull my hair out because they are ridiculous.
Today I'm taking a break from representing clients and teaching law students how to kick ass in law school to take on lawyers in the movies and on TV. While all legal movies and shows take dramatic license to make things more interesting (nobody wants to see hundreds of hours of brief writing), many of them have a grain of truth.
This is part of a continuing series of "Lawyer Reaction" videos. Got a legal movie or TV show you'd like me to critique? Let me know in the comments!
All clips used for fair use commentary, criticism, and educational purposes. See Hosseinzadeh v. Klein, 276 F.Supp.3d 34 (S.D.N.Y. 2017); Equals Three, LLC v. Jukin Media, Inc., 139 F. Supp. 3d 1094 (C.D. Cal. 2015).
Typical legal disclaimer from a lawyer (occupational hazard): This is not legal advice, nor can I give you legal advice. Sorry! Everything here is for informational purposes only and not for the purpose of providing legal advice. You should contact your attorney to obtain advice with respect to any particular issue or problem. Nothing here should be construed to form an attorney client relationship. Also, some of the links in this post may be affiliate links, meaning, at no cost to you, I will earn a small commission if you click through and make a purchase. But if you click, it really helps me make more of these videos!
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This video is a great change of pace video.... Keep them and also keep the "childhood destruction" videos...... Do memes too, you're a lawyer just bill CZcams extra
Please do Memes they seem entertaining and can be somewhat educational in terms what is or isn't true.
You should do a video on the TV show Bull
It's rather telling to me I've never heard of or seen anything from the dude you recommended...
We're still waiting on that Doctor Mike collab :)
Law Professor: “You’re currently failing your Ethics course”
Me: *slides a $20 across the table* “How about now?”
Still failing 😤, Now if you make a Benjamin I'll see what I can do about that F.
Verdict : Fail
Reason : Offering money is unethical
Law Professor: 20$, a piece of Chewed up gum, and a paper clip?
@@DreamlandRoses and an expired Burger King coupon: take it or leave it
@@misimaromemes5172 Yeah, that's the joke.
The one my professor told during the first lecture of the year
The surgeon tells a patient who needs a heart transplant: "You are in luck, we have two matching donors. A twenty year old athlete and an 80 year old lawyer, which heart do you want?" The patient answers "Give me the lawyer's heart, that one hasn't been used yet."
Man, medical jokes and lawyer jokes in the same place, is this the legendary crossover we've been promised?
Heyo!
Lol
@@cdgonepotatoes4219 Matlock vs Diagnosis Murder
To be fair I met a lawyer with a heart who charged me only 10% of normal for a BS charge I got (it was dismissed). Everyone loves to hate on lawyer until they need one.
My favourite lawyer joke was in “The Bee Movie.” When Barry Bee mentions that his mosquito friend has become a lawyer and the mosquito replies, “ I was already a blood sucking parasite. All I needed was the brief case.” Lol
That's pretty good 😂
That's my favourite joke in general almost
As a lawyer woke up in the hospital after surgery he asked, “Why are all the blinds drawn in here?” The nurse answered, “There’s a fire across the street and we didn’t want you to think the operation had been a failure.”
Wait, is it because he goes to hell? 😅
Just spit out my coffee laughing!
@@laran9922 yes 😬
@@laran9922 *AAAAAAH*
Genie: I shall grant you three wishes
Me: I want a world without lawyers
Genie: done, you have no more wishes
Me: i thought you said I had 3
Genie: sue me
Oh that’s GOOD.
@@matrixphijr is it though?
Genie: Sue me
Me: ok
In court:
Judge: Guilty of all charges
Genie: but I didn't have a legal trial, i need my attorney
Judge: Since you made all lawyers dissappear, you are having a legal trial.
Genie: back to lamp I guess.
TheDark Dragon he’s a genie though
AHHHHHHHH I GET IT!!! but he didn't grant the universe with no lawyers so technically he could still be sued. By genie lawyers >:3
Here in Iowa, State Law requires a lawyer's grave be 10 feet deep instead of the traditional 6. This is because, deep down, lawyers aren't too bad.
Good one ^^
I thought they were buried 12 feet deep so they are closer to where they are going...
Its just in case they come back alive and try to claw their way out to sue somebody.
In Puerto Rico they say you have to bury them facing down so when they come back to life they will crawl directly to hell
@@MrBbbakersk Whoa that escalated quickly.
A guy asked a girl in a university library:
"Do you mind if I sit beside you?”
The girl replied with a loud voice:
"I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said:
"I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”
The guy then responded with a loud voice:
“$500 FOR ONE NIGHT!? THAT'S TOO MUCH!”
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy
whispered in her ear:
"I study law, and I know how to screw people".
this one is sooo goood
Lol
@@RetoHartinger This one is pretty damn good. 😂😂😂
Heh heh
If he was a real lawyer he would sue her for defimation
One I would have loved to see your reaction to:
A Surgeon a Physicist and a Lawyer are out on a fishing trip on a deep sea fishing boat. Suddenly, the boat's motor dies, along with, for some unexplained reason, the radio, the radar, and the captain. Sharks start to circle the vessel, and all three are understandably concerned for their survival. The three commence to arguing their predicament, which comes down to:
Lawyer: My client needs me, and if I don't get to court tomorrow morning, he may go to prison for years, or at least need a continuance.
Surgeon: I have a heart transplant tomorrow morning. If i die the patient will probably not survive the surgery, and his wife and four kids will be devastated.
Physicist: I am working on a new development in nuclear fission, which could save the world from global warming, and it will all be lost if I die. And it's cool. Beat that.
The lawyer grudgingly says, "Ok, I get it." and takes off his shirt, dives into the water and swims off to get help. The sharks inexplicably veer away and avoid attacking him. He returns an hour later, on a Coast Guard vessel to save his surprised companions. On the way back, they ask, "Why did the sharks not attack you?" to which the Lawyer responds:
"Professional courtesy."
My version (shorter): Why did the Mako shark not eat the lawyer? Proffesional courtesy.
My version (even more shorter & spelled correctly): Why did the shark not eat the lawyer? Professional courtesy.
RESPECT is all I can say
why shark no eat it nice
@@dernvader6876 even shorter:
Why shark no eat lawyer? Professional.
"It's the 99% who give us 1% a bad name"
- my uncle (who is a lawyer)
It's funny how lawyers and prosecutors generally dislike cops lol
Now that is a context-sensitive statement.
I say the same about cops..and I have known a number personally both here in the US and in a couple of other countries....
@Lenny69 シ tell me, why do you hate cops
1914: motorbike enthusiast insists "99% of all motorbike owners are responsible, law-abiding citizens"
1915: "1%" patch now requisite biker attire
Hahaha, here's one that I liked:
A lawyer went to a pet shop and saw three parrots priced 5k, 10k and 20k respectively. The laywer asked the owner, why is that parrot worth 5k? That parrot can deliver an opening statement that can win the jury without fail. Really? That's a smart parrot! The lawyer exclaimed. What about the other parrot? Why is it worth 10k? He asked further. That one can do everything the first parrot can do, plus it can write a brief that will win any case. Wow! The lawyer said, clearly impressed. What about the last parrot, why is it worth 20k? The owner said: well actually, I've never seen that parrot do anything usefull... But the other two parrots call him senior partner!
lol
Objection, being a parrot is the most useful skill they have.
420.
Blaze it. 😎
This is perfect!!!
Why do I think "Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney" when I read this?
An engineer/lawyer joke I heard back in college: An engineer died and was mistakenly sent to hell. Fairly quickly, he had redesigned the place. Hell cooled down considerably thanks to the air conditioning he built and installed. The escalators and elevators worked just fine. Manual labor was quickly becoming a thing of the past.
God looked down one day and noticed all the changes. He called down to the devil to ask how these improvements came about.
The devil replied, “That engineer you sent me.”
“What engineer? You’re not supposed to have an engineer. Send him back up here!”
The devil’s answer was simple… “No.”
“If you don’t send that engineer back right now, I’m going to be very angry. In fact, I’ll sue you!”
The devil replied, “And . . . where are you going to get a lawyer?”
My dad’s a lawyer, and he’s got a Far Side comic taped to his wall. It’s of a lawyer explaining his life to St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, and St. Peter going: “You know, this would go by a lot quicker if you stopped saying ‘allegedly’ so much”.
Legal Eagle and Dr. Mike are at a party. Dr. Mike is relieved to see him, because people always want to ask him for medical advice, so he asks Legal Eagle if he should start charging. Legal Eagle says definitely yes.
After the party, Dr. Mike gets a bill from Legal Eagle.
WKRP that’s really good!
I really appreciate this comment...
Jokes on Legal Eagle, Dr. Mike billed it as a consult without insurance
Pee-woop!
Nice XD
Two law students sit in a café, reach in their bags and pull out sandwiches. A waiter approaches them and says:
"Excuse me, you can't eat your own food here."
"Oh", say the students and switch sandwiches with each other.
Three programmers walk into a bar. The bartender says,
"Do all three of you want a beer?"
The first one says, "I don't know."
The second says, "I don't know."
The third says, "Yes."
@@InvisiblerApple I don't get it
@@neomarrodriguez9255 it's a logic based joke... they all want a beer because... 1) I want a beer but don't know if 2 AND 3 want a beer 2) I want a beer but don't know if 1 AND 2 want a beer 3) I want a beer and know 1 AND 2 want a beer so we all want beers. 1 had no way of knowing either wanted a beer. 2 knew 1 wanted a beer when he didn't say "no". He wanted a beer also, but didn't know how 3 would answer. 3 knew he wanted a beer and knew the other two did too because otherwise they would have said no. If any one of them didn't want a beer that one would say no, and neither 1 nor 2 could have said yes definitively.
so is that beer/3 or (3*beer)/3 because I don't want 1/3rd of a beer! The way it's written sort of implies beer/3. Need the quantifier "each" otherwise it's too vague.
@@jonramsey36 Just as long as it isn't beer\3. Then the third programmer may as well have just stated no, because the result would have been the same.
A young lawyer, defending a businessman in a lawsuit, feared he was losing the case and asked his senior partner if he should send a box of cigars to the judge to curry favor. The senior partner was horrified. “The judge is an honorable man,” he said, “If you do that, I guarantee you’ll lose the case!” Eventually, the judge ruled in the young lawyers favor. “Aren’t you glad you didn’t send those cigars?” the senior partner asked. “Oh, I did send them,” the younger lawyer replied. “I just enclosed my opponents business card with them.”
A joke I heard from a friend of mine who is a lawyer:
What do you call somebody who graduated from med school at the bottom of their class? "Doctor."
What do you call somebody who graduated from law school at the bottom of their class? "Your Honor."
And, What do you call someone who graduated BCT at the bottom of their class? "SIR!"
I once asked a proctologist why he chose that specialty. He answered that it was because he was at the bottom of his class.
Did you hear about the Jurisprudence Fetishist?
He got off on a technicality.
Awesome.
Lol
Too good
That's awful! I love it.
OMG!!!
Me: “I’m not saying a word with out my lawyer present”
Cop: “you are the lawyer.”
Me: “then we’re is my present?”
lol i'm imagining the cop's face after the punchline.
Echo haha lol
That's hilarious!
Cop: (runs hands over his face and reluctantly hands him a glass of water)
Lawyer: Are you legally allowed to do that?
Cop: Don't you want your present?
Lawyer: I don't want to tamper my own evidence!
I don't get it?
I was the defendant in court being cross-examined by my wife's lawyer. I upset the lawyer, who retorted with "I have been practising for 15years. " I replied with "Well if you keep practising you might get it right." The Magistrate had a laughing fit.
There are only two professions that are said to be organized: Crime and Religion.
There are also only two professions that are said to be practiced: Law and Medicine.
@@seanwilkinson7431 And those two organised groups are all too often the same thing.
A man asks a lawyer to defend him against a charge of robbing vending machines. The lawyer asks if he can afford his fee. the man replies "Will you take quarters?"
A man was sent to hell for his sins. As he was being led into the pits for an eternity of torment, he saw a lawyer passionately kissing a beautiful woman. “What a joke!” he said. “I have to roast in flames for all eternity and that lawyer gets to spend it with that beautiful woman.” Satan jabbed the man with his pitchfork and snarled, “Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?”
Lol funny
XD
oof
In Islam , Satan can not punish anyone, Actually God is the one who will punish him.
@@nasrhussain9061 dude
My favorite lawyer joke is a guy walks into a bar and loudly proclaims "All lawyers are assholes!" A man at the bar stands up and say "Hey! I resent that." The man sneered and asked "What are you a lawyer?" and the man says "No, I'm an asshole!"
Ezra B. Riner that’s a good one
Sounds like he was related to the crew of Spaceball One...
heard that one.... from a lawyer.
This was my brother's (lawyer) description on Facebook for the longest time.
"Arguing with a lawyer is like mud-wrestling with a pig. Eventually you're going to realize that the pig actually enjoys it."
The best Lawyer jokes are on legal websites.
Man goes to curio store and buys a brass rat statue. As he leaves he notices rats following him. As he walks more and more rats join. He changes direction and they follow. He reaches the seawall then throws the statue into the ocean. The rats follow the statue and drown. The guy goes back to curio store, the proprietor says, "no refunds". Guy says, "no, I came back to see if you had a lawyer statue."
What's the problem with lawyer jokes? Lawyer's don't think they're funny, and no one else thinks they're jokes.
What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Your Honor.
What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer? A good lawyer knows the law, a great lawyer knows the judge.
That third joke was incredible. Ouch
Agreed the third one was pretty good
Wow 😂😂😂
What's the difference between a lawyer and a video game's programmer?
The programmer sees the games as rules, but a lawyer sees rules as a game.
A lawyer well known for his ruthlessness had recently lost his right eye. He spent a lot of money to have a new eye crafted for him that was so realistic, it couldn't be distinguished from a real eye.
He was very proud of his eye and challenged a colleague to guess which eye was the fake eye.
The colleague studied them only briefly and announced with great certainty, "The right eye is the fake one."
Astonished, the lawyer asked, "How could you tell?"
The colleague replied, "Because I could see that glimmer of warmth and humanity in the right eye."
That's adapted from a passage in _Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe._ Unless that book got it from somewhere else in turn.
Did he loose the eye in a bird attack?
Apply cold water to the burned area
@@normalguyhere9158 I see you're a man of culture
@@jeffbenton6183 ah you as well
"If she was definitely going to win the case no matter what the facts were, and no matter how strong the opposing side's case was, why won't Mary Sue?"
Damn, that's a good one 😂
Three surgeons are sitting around discussing their favorite type of people to perform surgery on. The first surgeon says, "I like mathematicians, their organs are all in numerical order." The second says, "I like engineers, they always understand when you have parts leftover." The third says, "I prefer lawyers. They are heartless, spineless, brainless, gutless, and their head and rears are interchangable."
My absolute favourite lawyer joke of all time
Man, that hurts.
How many lawyer jokes are in existence?
Only three. All the rest are true stories.
I guess this wouldn't even count as one of the three then, it's true!
Ooooof XD
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."
An eccentric millionaire on his deathbed calls in a pastor, a doctor, and a lawyer and tells them "I've heard people say you can't take your money with you when you go, but now I'm going to prove them wrong." Handing each of them a thick envelope, he continues "In each of these envelopes is a million dollars. At my graveside service, right before they put my coffin in the ground, each of you is to throw your envelope into the grave ahead of it. Now give me your word that you will honor this last request of mine."
All three of them think this a rather bizarre request, but they give their word. A week later, the man dies, and shortly thereafter comes his funeral. As instructed, each of them throws his envelope into the grave right before the coffin is lowered in. At a reception afterward, the three of them sit around a table conversing about their recently deceased associate and what a strange request that was.
"Brothers, I have confession to make," says the pastor. "One of the wings of my church has been in disrepair for a long time, and my congregation's been going through hard times recently, so offerings are down and our church is barely scraping by on its monthly budget as it is. So... I took a quarter of the million dollars in that envelope to spend on renovating that old building. There were only three quarters of a million dollars in there when I tossed it in."
"I gotta confess too!" says the doctor. "The hospital's also been going through hard times, and we were really struggling to raise money for constructing a new wing to hold a cancer ward for children, so I took half the money from that envelope and donated it anonymously. Aw, you should have seen how happy everyone was at hearing we'd finally be able to get that wing built... but anyway, there was only half a million in that envelope I tossed down there."
"Why, gentlemen," says the lawyer, "I'm very disappointed in you, and you certainly ought to be ashamed of yourselves. My envelope, when I threw it in exactly as instructed, contained my personal check for the full amount!"
Judge not, may ye be judged yourself.
Kim Polson thats fake no old Mississippi woman would Care if someone is bigoted
@Riprake - That's funny enough, but the way I saw it, the man only requested that they throw the _envelope_ into the grave, before the coffin was lowered. I would argue that the contents are not required to be present, based on the wording of the verbal agreement. I'd take the contents and if necessary, argue it as being 'for services rendered'.
Clicked and was not expecting an essay lol, funny though
The only lawyer joke I know goes like this:
Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: You'll usually see skid marks before you reach the skunk....
I was just about to post this one!
A: the skunk was an accident
I've heard this one before, except with a snake.
A lady friend of mine says, "all snakes are poisonous until proven dead." And still there are skid-marks.
@@geraldfrost4710 Vipers are poisonous, but not all snakes are.
@@heimdall1973 I don't think any snakes are poisonous, although some are venomous.
Greetings from your friendly neighborhood pedant.
here’s one i came up with.
A lawyer is on trial and has been called up to the stands as a witness. He is giving his testimony.
“And then he attacked me! Honestly, I feel-“
The prosecutor cuts in.
“Objection! The witness is lying.”
“Sustained.”
A man walks into a bar.
"So where do I take the exam?"
So there's this young LL.M. who visits his parents, and they ask: "So, son, how did the bar exam go?"
"Well, the lagers are really tasty, they have some nice single malts and the Margaritas are great. But they put way too much Vermouth in their Martinis."
A lawyer is sitting in his office, when a bright flash of light shines in then it's gone, and an angel in a white suite is standing there.
Lawyer: Who the devil are you?
Angel: No, I'm from the other way.
Lawyer: Oh. So, what are you doing here?
Angel: I've just been curious to meet someone in your profession.
Lawyer: Seriously, you came all the way down here to meet a lawyer?
Angel: Well you certainly don't expect me to find one up there do you.
Oof
Savage lmao
Reminds of the one about a couple wanting to marry and dying o ntheire way there.
A Couple is on their way to the Marriage as the car crashes. At the Gates of Heaven they ask Petrus if they can marry in Heaven since they really wanted to get married. Petrus tells them okay, but it will take time.
100 Years later they get actually married and everything is fine at first. But after 30 Years the love is gone and they search for Petrus. Telling him they want to get divorced since they arent happy anymore and dont wat to spend eternity together anymore.
Petrus answers: "it took 100 Years to get an Priest up here to get you married. But an Lawyer for your divorce will never happen!"
Time to laugh like a lawyer
Lawyers: *stares in bureaucratic silence*
Two lawyers meet in the elevator at the firm on Monday morning.
One lawyer says to the other: "I got a dog for my kids this weekend."
The other lawyer nods with admiration and replies: "Good trade."
Ok, I got one too, hope it was not told before in the comments section:
"An old man was passing through a graveyard. He suddenly stops at a tombestone on which it was written:
The old man, absolutely horrified, quickly starts shouting:
"
I think I get how a lawyer "couldn't" be the other two, but how could a man with a good soul not be a man with a heart of gold?
Pacvalham there are 3 characteristics: lawyer, good soul and gold heart, separated by commas. You know the first is not compatible with the others, so they are different people. It goes naturally to assume they is an enumeration of people
This post was brought to you by the Khura’in gang.
@@Pacvalham And that’s why the Oxford Comma is important.
A lawyer, a good soul, and a good heart. One or three.
A lawyer, a good soul and good heart. One or two.
The twins, Abby and Daniel, are coming. Two.
The twins, Abby, and Daniel, are coming. Two or four.
I’d like to thank my parents, god, and Rosa Parks. Four.
I’d like to thank my parents, god and Rosa Parks. Two.
@@LocalMaple Seeing this thread after a while of not seeing, the grammatical logic clicked.
OBJECTION:
I laughed at the jokes. You called me a bad person.
This is slander.
It's only slander if you can prove damages and your feelings don't count
@@KarmasAB123 he lost his job because of this... Lawers ruining the lives of all
I believe since this is a recorded medium it's libel.
Lol! XD
He, himself, laughed at the jokes.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I wanted to give a lawyer joke but all I had was a Fisherman defendant who brought in twelve docks and called it a jury of his piers, and frankly, it just wouldn't come together into the form of a joke for me.
In a sudden change of course, a whole courtroom was moved to a seaside location.
The plaintiff's lawyer asked the defendant's lawyer "I know the defendant is a fisherman, but why did they move the courtroom out here?".
The defendant's lawyer gestured to a line of twelve docks and said "My client has a right to a jury of his piers".
A lawyer was accused of "ambulance chasing" and the lawyer said "I have alot of clients all over the city and the ambulance just happens to go where I'm going every time"
I live in Wisconsin and a lawyer once told me this joke:
"How can you tell when it's too cold outside?"
"When the lawyers are walking around with their hands in their own pockets."
I don't get it.
Now you do
@@keremgulbin9142 pay me 5 grand and I'll tell you the joke
I heard this on but with politicians instead. Lol.
As a fellow Wisconsinite I understand this joke entirely
lawyers be like:
''DO YOU SWEAR TO PAY THE BILL, THE WHOLE BILL AND NOTHING BUT THE BILL?''
"Nothing but the bill" cannot possibly be true
Chaitanya R “and everything else not already included in said bill?”
If the third is absolutely true, then yes, the part that is my part.
> AND NOTHING BUT THE BILL?'
I just can't imagine any lawyer to settle for just that. :-)))
(I just had to make that joke for the lulz, but on the other hand: our lawyer used to be a neighbour of us and was the go-to lad for my parents whenever they needed legal advice, and his daughter who took over his law firm after he sadly died of cardiac arrest is now my go-to lawyer whenever I need one, because she truly fills her dad's shoes.)
Plus GST (for the Aussies)
Q: What do you call 10,000 Lawyers stacked up at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start...
Lol
The same joke is told of politicians. There's a variant with a different punchline:
A: Not enough politicians...
Figured this had to be here somewhere.
What's the problem if a hundred lawyers are up to their necks in concrete?
Not enough concrete.
(works for politicians just as well.)
Why is it Important to keep lawyers busy? So they don’t become politicians
Q: "What happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?"
A: "They get taller."
This made me laugh out loud in the train
There were two vampires, father and son. And when the boy grew up, the father decided to teach him vampire skills. One night they went hunting and the father vampire grabs one human and says “look soon, just bite him by the neck and suck some blood.” The son asks “But why not suck all the blood and leave him dry?” The father replies “You know son, we are vampires not lawyers”
In Swedish, the words for "Lawyer" and Avocado" sound very similar. They also use the same word for "Cook" and "Prepare." So the joke goes like this:
How do you prepare a lawyer (for a case)?
Cut it open and take the stone out of its heart.
Good play on words!
they used this pun in daredevil because in spanish it's the same, advocado and avocado and so they said, avocado at law :D
martina seidel “Advocados from Mexico!”
@@martinaseidel3316 Yes, but in Spanish the word for advocado is "aguacate", and the word for Lawyer is "abogado", so not really.
@@podemosurss8316 To be fair, the characters were drunk when they made this connection that became a running joke in their friendship.
God: "I am going to sue your ass!"
Satan: (Laughing) "Where are you going to find a lawyer?"
God: turns up with Atticus Finch.
@@jorenvanderark3567 So you haven't read her second book?
@@raymonddavis1370
No, I didn't even know that there was a second one published in 2015 till googled to find out what you where talking about.
Genie: i will grant you 3 wishes, but all lawyers get double of everything you wish for.
Me: i'm fine with that, i wish for a million dollars
Poof, every lawyer just earned 2 million dollars
Me: i also wouldn't mind a ferrarai
Poof, again every lawyer now owns 2 expensive sportcars
Me: for my last wish i really want to donate one of my kidneys...
😮 I was not expecting that.
In the joke I heard, he wanted to be beaten half to death. But I guess it amounts to the same thing.
I've heard this joke, but it was about a guy and his ex-wife (or some other mortal enemy), and he asked to be beaten half to death.
I wish I were blind in one eye.
A classic I kind of expected to be in this video:
Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
oldie but goody. Still laughed.
I mean, technically he could be, although more in an abstract way then practical (body could be kept alive without the brain)
As far as I'm aware, this isn't a joke. This is an actual transcript from a real legal case.
@@Skaypegote ive heard so too
Glad this joke was mentioned.
A man dies and goes to heaven. Once there he meets God who is looking at a wall of clocks with names beneath them.
"What are these Lord?" The Man asks.
"These are lying clocks, every time the person whose name is on the clock tells a lie, the second hand moves."
the man looked over the wall, then noticed there were several places empty.
"Lord, why are there empty slots on the wall?" He asked.
"We use the lawyers as fans here." God replied.
@sweetblackblood1 because the lawyer lies all the time his clock spins so fast it becomes an actual fan? Come on, bro, it's not that hard
@Lil RINGER Just like boomers and obsession with "I hate my wife" jokes
@Lil RINGER God & Heaven make very good plot devises in a joke, because it allows you to make jokes that wouldn't otherwise work. Some uses include, but are not limited to: allowing for discussion after death; facilitating the discussion of morality; an easy justification for reviewing someone's life as a whole; having an omniscient character (God); having an omnipotent character (also God); having an omnipresent character (also also God, but this one's rarer); the presence of the devil, which allows for soul-selling & the such like; prayer as a form of finicky communication between a person & God; and, of course, kooky afterlife mix-ups.
I'm an Atheist myself, but I still like making jokes involving religion as a plot device because it's just so versatile! Try re-writing those religious jokes without involving religion; you may be able to do it with some, but they'll turn out much more confusing & require considerable explanation to set up. Religion is a cultural touchstone that allows anyone familiar with it to instantly just GET what you're talking about without having to go too in-depth with it.
Imagine I have a joke that starts with "Homer Simpson, Albert Einstein, & Elon Musk walk into a bar..." Most people are familiar with those characters enough to understand their basic properties, so I don't have to explain that Einstein is smarter than Homer or that Elon owns SpaceX. In comedy, shorthand is the name of the game, and, like it or not, religion, specifically Judeo-Christian belief, saturates culture, specifically American culture.
The problem with jokes which rely on lawyers being liars is that they are not based on observation. Lawyers are good at getting the result they want without lying. A lawyer who lies is a very unskilful lawyer. Well-observed lawyer jokes (like well-observed doctor jokes) get laughs from the way their subjects actually behave. When a witness in a high-profile trial in the UK spoke of "being economical with the truth", every lawyer knew exactly what he meant.
Its poorly written but i get the concept
I always liked what Niles said on Frasier one time - “Lawyers make wonderful patients. They have excellent health insurance and they never get better”
Edit for clarity: he’s a psychiatrist
"If I was two-faced, do you really think I'd be showing around this one?" ~Abraham Lincoln
He said wearing not showing.
You and Dr. Mike talking about Law and Medicine would be such an interesting video
Rebecca Turner That should be a TV show.
Yessss I support !!
Too much handsome for one video
This is the collab I didn't know I needed. YES, PLEASE. GO MAKE FRIENDS NOW LEGAL EAGLE.
@MiIesTailsPrower Or one can try the other one's patients.
in Alaska it was 50 below zero and they had a joke.
it is so cold that I saw a lawyer / politician with his hands in his own pockets.
It was probably in Fairbanks
I was a police officer for several years and one of my very first arrests was for a guy who we caught with a couple of rocks of crack on him, so I was intending to charge him with simple possession. When I was telling him what he was being charged with, he made the spontaneous utterance.... "man, I don't use it, I just sell it". In court when I gave my testimony, his attorney turned and looked at him like he was an idiot.
And he was.
Every defense attorney I've worked with has told me they tell their clients to “shut the hell up”. They tell their clients to speak to no one about the case unless they are present and give them the go-ahead. Good advice, I believe.
A rich old miser was on his deathbed. He calls over his priest, his doctor, and his lawyer.
"I have worked hard my entire life for my fortune, and I want yo take it with me. I have 9 million dollars. I am going to give each if you 3 million, and I want you to throw it in my grave during the funeral".
The 3 men agreed to do so, and before long, the miser pased, and the day of his funeral rolled around.
Each man threw a briefcase into the grave, then watched as it was filled in. As the last shovel of dirst was tapped into place, the priest spoke up.
"I have a confession to make. I looked at the money he gave me, and all I could think about ehat how much good it could do, and what a waste this was. So, I kept 1 million dollars and donated it to charity."
The doctor spoke next. "I too must confess. I also looked at that money, and thought about how badly thr hospital needed a new wing, so I donated 2 million to the hospital."
Thr lawyer turned to them. "Men! I am shocked at your blatant disregard for this man's last wishes! I threw in a personal check for the full amount."
you copied this from another comment
@@leo-hao this had been my favorite joke for literal decades
there's an identical joke posted 4 months ago
@@leo-hao its not like i read all 2000+ comments. Its an old joke, Im not the least bit surprised someone else heard it and posted it here, but that doesn't mean I stole it from their comment.
So an engineer dies and goes to heaven but the secretary there says "I'm sorry we have too many engineers, but I can send you to hell first-class." The engineer shrugs and accepts.
Two months later, god looks down at hell and they have air conditioning and wifi. Hell's actually a nice place to live. He calls Satan to his office and demands "What the You is going on down there?"
"Oh it's that engineer, he's great." Satan says, "He's really fixed up the joint."
"I want him back." God demands.
"What do you mean?" Satan asks.
"I want him back."
Satan, ever clever says "What're ya gonna do if I don't give him back."
God is stumped for a moment and then says "I'll sue!"
Satan just laughed and laughed before finally saying "Yeah right, where are *YOU* gonna get a lawyer."
God then smirked. "Where do you think all the *good* lawyers went?"
"Valhall, Odin's Valkyries pick the better half of the FALLEN. Howcome?"the daring devil replied...
@@NimanWielder01 People forget there are such things as public interest lawyers who aren't in it for the money.
As an engineer I really appreciate this.
Satan then replied " ya the lawyers you have are 'good' but mine are the best"
Man, I come from a family of lawyers and I'm gonna study law and political sciences. This jokes hit close to home.
"It's not too crazy for Satan to appear right in front of us that happens anyway" me: "he takes many forms and we refer to him as "Your Honor""
Good one!
Why don’t sharks eat lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
Well, if a Shark tried to eat a lawyer, he would end up being sued and having to pay to the lawyer...
sharks are smart nowadays they'll wait for the lawyer to turn his back that way there wont be time to issue a subpoena
sharks eat their own
Professional courtesy.
Omg Dr Mike and LegalEagle collab needs to happen!
AB-SO-LUTELY!!!!
Dr. Mike is better, he doesn't bring stupid politics into his videos
Both out of Central casting.
Yumidori Iro, he’s a lawyer(politics are gonna end up being discussed)
@@holysecret2 it kinda comes with the job, but in his defense, his videos that aren't specifically about politics are pretty unbiased
Several eons ago in my dating days, I (briefly) dated a symphony violist. She knew all of the Lawyer jokes I knew, but she knew them as orchestral conductor jokes!
Who were you dating back then, Cthulhu's mom?
"What do you call a bus full of lawyers speeding off a cliff with 2 empty seats? A waste of two empty seats."
-Joel Zimmerman during a coffee run with his lawyer.
LegalEagle: "So suck it, New Jersey."
New Jersey: "...It's okay, we get that a lot."
Hahaha
Did you hear about the hurricane that tore through New Jersey?
It caused $25 million in improvements.
@@olli_k It sure *sucked*
Don't the license plates actually say NEW JERSEY-GARDEN STATE-SUCK IT there?
My Pennsylvanian heart sang at that comment
3:52 - That facility has switched back to rats after discovering Lawyer's are nothing like human beings.
Missed the second part of the joke.
The most underrated reply of the lot, thinks I
I always hear the "pissing in cokes" joke about an Army Ranger and two Navy Seals.
I think the original was Billie Connolly routine about Rangers fans and Celtics fans at a football game in Glasgow. But it wasn't spit in the shoes.
This goes back to AT LEAST the 1940's. My dad told the me the joke--it involved two German officers and their assigned NCO. Every morning one of the officers would take a dump in one of the NCO's boots. After a while, with the NCO not raising a fuss, the officers decide to be nice to him. One says, "You've been such a good sport about this, we're going to stop sh*tting in your boots." The NCO says, "That is so kind of you, sir. And just to show there are no hard feelings, I shall in turn cease p*ssing in your coffees."
AND, that joke probably pre-dates 1900, if you really want to do some research. :)
I've heard it with Brits and Irishmen.
I'm a lawyer in Canada and people sometimes have a bad reaction when I tell them what I do for a living, and then they are like «oh it's okay then» when I tell them I'm a Prosecutor. I really love my profession and I believe that most lawyer are doing a good job despite the terrible reputation we have. Our job is simply not judged fairly by the rest of the world, pun intended!
Objection: I have a better one: A surgeon, an engineer and a lawyer were arguing about which profession was the oldest, and the doctor said, "Well, on the fifth day of Creation, God took a rib from Adam, so surgery is the oldest profession." The engineer said, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos, so engineering is the oldest profession." And the lawyer said, "Yes, but who created the chaos?"
Who created the chaos? The three of them fighting over who would pay the prostitute.
Or get rid of the body....
Rabba (sorry if I spelled that wrong)according to Jewish mythology
I know this one with programmer instead od lawyer.
Yes, we create chaos, but organised chaos.
A trucker is driving down the road late at night when he sees a lawyer walking on the side of road. He begins to laugh as he swerves over and runs over the lawyer.
He smiles to himself and thinks, "Maybe I'll be able to get three tonight."
A little while later he's driving along when he sees another lawyer standing on the side of the road. Again laughing to himself he swerves to the side of the road running over the second lawyer, and laughing to himself all along.
Then a little while down the road he sees a priest standing next to a broken down car. He stops and asks the priest if he needs a lift to town and the priest gets in.
Over the course of talking the priest starts telling the trucker about his charities and community activities and telling the trucker about the importance of kindness, forgiveness, and love for all fellow man. The trucker is moved by the priest's words and lets out a single tear. As he wipes the tear away from his eye he looks up and sees another lawyer on the side of the road and without thinking instinctively swerves to run the lawyer over, but remembering the priest's words of kindness he pulls the truck away from the lawyer trying to keep from running him over, but still hears a loud thud. He brings the truck to a stop and tearfully turns to the priest, "Father, please forgive me. When I saw that lawyer on the side of the road I let hatred take control of me and swerve to run him over, but then I remembered your words of love and realized how wrong it was and I tried to steer away, but I guess I wasn't fast enough, and still ran him over."
The priest said, "No you totally would have missed him I had to throw open the door."
This made me laugh.
Got me
as with the truck, saw it coming but impact no less effective
I remember that joke as having a very different audience and very different "acceptable target".
Savage
A man says to a lawyer, "Can I ask you 2 questions?"
"Yes", he says. "What is your second question?"
I know this one a bit different:
A man asks a lawyer: "How much do you charge for advice?"
"A ten thousand for three questions.
Isn't that too much?"
"Yes it is, and what's your third question?"
It's a real shame that a small handful of lawyers get such a bad rep because of the rest of them
*Lying lawyer laughs like Lucifer*
Too many L's when this video is a W.
Just Some Guy without a Mustache yoo I see you on strongman videos
Wying wawyer waughs wike wucifer.
OBJECTION!: Counsel engaged in humor!
@Circumcision is Jewish Genital Mutilation your username is tradition tho
If Dr. Mike wants to do a video with you, that would be great. But, you need to find an engineer to join you. That would be classic.
A Doctor, an Engineer and a Lawyer...
is much like,
A Priest, a Minister and a Rabbi...
A priest, a cowboy and a hooker walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of a joke?"
What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
God doesn't walk around thinking he's a lawyer.
You forgot "What's the difference between a lawyer and a sperm. "
"A sperm has a one in a million chance of becoming a human being. "
Jimmy McGill said that
@@FuckFascistCZcams Slippin jimmy
some one told me i should screw for money and i said i can but i would have to pass the bar exam first
One lawyer in a small town will starve, but two can make a pretty good living
"It wouldn't be unusual to apparate in front of us, that happens everday."
Damn, that got me good.
Can you do an analysis on the legal case in the Pixar film 'The Incredibles'? Could a super-hero be sued for stopping someone's suicide? Or for causing collateral damage, as well as the other cases we see in the newspaper clippings?
I'd love to know about how the US uses Good Samaritan laws.
Film Theory already did an episode on that.
@@warden-3699 film theory arent lawyers
Modern day they would be protected. Back then, they wouldn't be.
Actually, I believe the Incredibles takes place like a couple of years before the Good Samaritan law passed. Back then, you could get sued for trauma you caused by saving somebody's life. Yes, of course it's total bs, but thankfully it's not like that anymore in most countries. People are massive assholes a lot of the time, wouldn't put such a move past them
As a legal assistant and someone who generally loves lawyer jokes, you MUST make this a series. I can't stop laughing!!!
People have mentioned wanting a collaboration with Dr. Mike. They could trade barbs every couple of weeks.
#11 reminds me of the quickest Judge Judy case where one of the defendants puts his foot in his mouth to say that earphones where not in the purse that he and his buddy claimed they never stole! Judge Judy just laughed for 10 minutes straight!
Why don't people tell lawyer jokes anymore? Because lawyers don't think they're funny and people don't think they're jokes.
A man has been waiting in line to get coffee for a long time when suddenly the man behind him starts rubbing his back. He turns around and asks him what he’s doing and says “oh sorry I’m a masseuse and I do that when my mind starts to wander.” The man responds “yeah well I’m a lawyer and you don’t see me screwing the guy in front of me”
thats funny af
I had to scroll down a while to make sure this one hadn't been told yet, and it still may have been in the deep comments, but here goes. It's my favorite.
So Frankenstein needs a brain and he sends Igor to the butcher to find one. Igor goes in and sees three cases.
The first says, "Engineer brains: $3 / lb."
The next says, "Physicist brains: $4 / lb."
The last says, "Lawyer brains: $100 / oz."
Igor asks the butcher, "why so much for lawyer brains?"
The butcher looks him dead in the eye and says, "do you know how many lawyers you have to kill to get one ounce of brains?"
Ouch, lol, nice. Fun fact: Frankenstein's brain in the book actually came from a dead murderer. I think.
I thought it was more expensive because it has never been used.
Frankenstein entered a body-building contest, but he completely misunderstood the objective.
@@esta7763 no that is the tenor's and the sopran's brain
Would be better with lawyer hearts.
7:20 years ago in my college days, i got a misdemeanor charge for simple pot possession. i hired an attorney who basically told me "you're the boss, you're paying me so you don't have to worry about it." why a client would speak outside of their attorney's advice is baffling
A lawyer sends his son to law school, and when the son graduates he takes on a famous case that has been dragged on for years. After winning the case, he goes to his father and brags that he’d won the case that was so hard. His father asks which case, and when the son replies, the father laughs. “That’s the case that put you through law school in the first place!”
"It wouldn't be unusual for Satan to apparate in front of us; that happens every day."
Best lawyer joke of all!
A lawyer is leaving a restaurant to his car. While crossing the parking lot, a truck speeds by, nearly killing him. The lawyer notices that the truck caused damage to his car. He shouts, "MY CAR!". A bystander who was watching then said, "Didn't you see it also took your arm off?" When the lawyer looked down to where his arm used to be, he shouts, "MY WATCH!"
Meh ...
No arm => lawsuit => settlement worth a lot more money than car repair and a watch
Classic lawyer reply lol, I wouldnt sell my arm for unlimited money until bio-engineering is 10 years off being a functional arm, I've broken my arm and it's not fun.
@@imluvinyourmum My point was that even the most greedy lawyer on earth would be more concerned with his arm missing than material objects. The joke was flat.
My greatest fear of what could happen when i'm in a courtroom is that someone else will do the super cringey classic move of responding to the judge saying "Order!" with a fast food order. i cringe to the point of crumpling onto the floor at that when it happens in movies, and i worry that someday i'll be on a jury and forget a bunch of important info about the case because of cringing so hard at that happening
Most of them were kinda cute, but # 7 was hilarious, I got up to get a beer after that one and I'm still laughing at the end of the video.
The old adage goes: Everyone hates lawyers... until they need one.
I thought that one was about cops? The people who hate lawyers would be the ones who _do_ need them and therefore have to _pay_ them. Possibly to defend themselves against other lawyers. As long as only _other_ people have to pay for the lawyers there's little reason to hate them, right?
Congratulations: You're both sucking the fun out of this.
Please please do a video with Dr Mike! You two would be so awesome together!
This is a must
A video about ethics in medicine or medical laws would be very interesting!
@@TuesdaysArt It really would! I would pay to see it.
Yes!!!!
YES YES YES YES!!!!!
6:24
We have a similar joke about a Finn, Swede and Norsk. They got on stranded on remote tropical island. The Swede and Norsk wanted to go home. The genie sent them home. Finn started to feel lonely and wished the two of his friends were back there with him.
I am reminded of an old Judge Judy clip where a girl starts listing off the contents that was in her stolen bag and when she lists off one of the items the defendant interrupts to inform that there was no such item
Ah yes 'dumb and dummber' as she called them
False, lawyers do not laugh. This man is clearly a paid actor.
Clearly, it is the pink tie and assistant pooch that makes this legit.
That was not in the form of an Objection; please re-phrase...
@@bkdmode Objection, Lawyers do not laugh. This man is the guise of a lawyer rendering his points obsolete and his case irrelevant.
Took me until 7:36 to realize he's not reading the jokes from a clipboard. I'm feeling old right now.
It's an iClip ;)
10) lol , reminds me of Richard Gere telling Edward Norton in the film Primal fear something along the lines ' I speak you do not speak and your job is to sit
there & look innocent"