And your right about your feelings about the relationship. You have a baseline that wasn't observed and fulfilled by your ex. However, being alone for a while, ( stick with it, it has its advantages! ) you will feel yourself re evaluating your baseline from time to time. And that's totally normal. I was really freaked out by it at first. What are my core values, have I any new ones? Have I thrown enough rubbish out with my existing values, am I right? Am I wrong? All these things come into your head, just embrace it. It's change. But that doesn't have to be scary, it's a sign that you want nothing more than to grow. You've got this. Xxx
God I’m not sure I have ever resonated with a comment SO much. Everything you have described here has truly hit the nail on the head. And truly, I couldn’t have summed it up better: I have a baseline that wasn’t observed and fulfilled by my ex. That is IT. Thank you for acknowledging this, it truly makes me feel so seen and understood. As always, THANK YOU ❤️🙏🏼
@@AshleyNord well I am a psychotherapist, it's kinda what I do. Can't take my own advice half the time, that's where you come in! Yeah think of the baseline as a goalmouth in soccer, hockey, whatever you're into. It's gonna move somedays, and other days it will stay put. The challenge for people is to accept the change and adapt. Fear can and will often freeze someone who didn't see that goalmouth shift a little, or at least didn't see it coming. But as you know perfectly well, it comes down to you, your perception of what is going on for you right now, and your own "personal fluidity". (It's something I penned in an essay, but that term is a gift to you, only if you use it in a video.... 😃 😀 😄) Essentially it's about knowing that the baseline is susceptible to moving, either by external or even internal locus of evaluation, and other peoples actions. Its also about knowing that you are able to move along with it. Even when you're stuck. You're doing brilliantly. Actually come to think of it, I'm getting stronger too. Catch a huge high five from a few thousand miles away. Loads of love xx
I am so flattered to know that a psychotherapist finds value in my videos! Amazing! Thank you 😁❤️🙏🏼 and I LOVE that term! Personal fluidity. If I use it, I will absolutely give you credit 🙌🏼☺️ thanks so much for fleshing that explanation out for me, it makes complete sense. So so happy you’re doing better! We will heal together! High five!! ❤️❤️
Yeah, only YOU really know what's right for you. Your partner doesn't have to be a terrible person for you to decide that the relationship is no longer serving you. I am going thru a mutually agreed upon breakup (as he made it clear that a particular need I have for any relationship I'm in was not a need he was willing to meet, and I'm not willing to settle...) and he's not a bad person. Just not someone who's willing/able to meet my needs and make a relationship with him worth while. The older I get the more I value my time and am less willing to spend it on those who don't meet me in equal measure. And that's okay. 🙂 Hope you have fun on your trip! 💛
Amen!! 🙌🏼 that’s absolutely right. No one can decide what is right for us other than ourselves. And if we can identify that we have baseline needs that cannot be met by the other person, then it’s down to us to either let go of that need (which, I think, often leads to resentment down the road), or choose to move on.
Thank you for putting out this video. I had a dream about my ex the night before and this video was just what I needed to help me process my feelings. It's so hard to know when the right time to end a relationship is. In my case the relationship between my ex and I should have ended sooner but we both hid our true feelings because we believed that in the future things would get better. It can seem easier to stick with the pain you know instead of opening yourself up to the unknown. I still have feelings for my ex but I know that if we had stayed together we would just have kept causing each other pain. I really resonated with your comment about not feeling comfortable in the relationship anymore. The healthiest relationships I have been in have been those where I felt safe and comfortable around my partner. As you mentioned losing this feeling is a good indicator that the relationship is not working anymore. We all deserve to feel secure, comfortable, and loved. Again, thank you for releasing this video and take care.
You’re so welcome! I’m so happy it resonated with you and was able to help you process your own experience. It truly is SO hard to know when it’s time to walk away, and everyone will be completely different and unique. What’s “right” for one person may not be right for another! Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts ❤️🙏🏼
This is beautiful and makes so much sense. It really clears up the questions I've been asking about my previous relationship. Thank you 🙏 My mom also told me that a relationship shouldn't be SO MUCH effort. I do however believe that relationships require work, but I've learned that with the right person, the relationship would not be so much work and effort. I wasn't the one that ended the relationship though, but I can now see more clearly why it was for the best. And yes, you are so right in saying that you can only do what's best for you in the present moment with the information you have; we should all choose to not live in fear 👏
Thank you so much! I’m so happy it resonated with you and allowed you to feel some clarity within your own situation. And I totally agree with both you and your mom. All relationships do require work and effort, and some seasons will be more difficult than others. But I think there needs to be a balance and that, overall, ease and genuine connection should outweigh the difficulty.
Ashley, I love your videos! I’m sorry about your heartbreak 💔 1.5 years ago I started watching your videos as I was contemplating leaving my relationship. I learned a lot from you, you always have so much wisdom to share and I think you should be so proud of yourself for who you are. At the end, I left my relationship about 1 year ago but up until this moments I keep shaming myself and guilting for the work I expected myself to do more of and change that I think I should have done instead of leaving my relationship but watching your more recent videos help me accept my own decision and come to peace with it. It’s so hard to heal from separation from a good person Love and peace ❤
I feel you. We should feel wanted, loved, desired, protected and supported. At some point the willingness to fight and fight and fight is no longer there and both persons should be willing to work things out. I love your way of thinking, I felt the same and it took I so much time to reach out to this point and it is so eye opening. I hope you're feeling better ❤️
Absolutely! Those are such base level, fundamental needs that I don’t think any of us should have to go without within a relationship. I couldn’t agree more! It’s OKAY (often, more than okay) to no longer want to fight anymore. And thank you so much, I am slowly doing better day by day ❤️🙏🏼
I couldn´t agree more with what you are saying. I feel the same way - 100 %. THANK YOU SO MUCH for this important video 🙏💖. You are such a smart person and you are so right.
This is a bit hard for me to watch because I wasn’t the one who decided to end the relationship. Things were definitely off for a while between us & he says he tried to make it work but to me it just seemed like his “trying” was just simply not breaking up with me, but there was no substancial work actually being done. It felt like I was the only one trying to save us, although sometimes I feel like he thought I was the only one who needed to change. I still blame myself a lot because I did take so long to really try and do the work I needed to do, by the time I did he was fully checked out. He told me he didn’t love me anymore & that he didn’t like the person he was with me & it hurts that he no longer saw the qualities he saw in me at first. It’s hard for me to determine whether we just truly weren’t right for each other or if we just didn’t do the work. It is nice to see your point of view though & I think I’ve just convinced myself that he didn’t suffer at all over losing me especially since he was emotionless during the break-up & he started seeing someone about a month after leaving me & made it official with her about 4 months after we broke up & they are still together. Although I’m doing a lot better than I was in the beginning, I am still not completely over it & sometimes it’s hard to believe that he’s really not in my life anymore. Maybe once I’ve truly let go, I’ll be able to see the situation more logically like you were able to.
Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. And honestly, as much as our situations may be different, I relate to SO much of what you’re saying. Especially in relation to feeling like your partner felt that you were the only one who needed to change or do the work. I truly feel I carried that burden throughout the entire duration of our relationship, and by the time my partner realized that I wasn’t at the root of every “problem,” or that I wasn’t defective, it just felt too late for me. And although I can logically explain and articulate my reasons for choosing to leave, I think it’s important to emphasize how overwhelmingly conflicting the underlying emotions are. Making the choice to walk away has been and continues to be completely devastating. So even if we can know/see something on a logical level, it often takes a lot longer for our hearts to catch up! It will likely be a very long time before I feel even remotely prepared to explore a romantic connection with another person. I hear what you’re saying here 100%, and you are clearly doing an incredible job at validating your emotions and allowing yourself to take your healing at your own pace ❤️ I encourage you to try accepting the fact that there is not really a “right” or “wrong” relationship for us. But rather, perhaps what makes a relationship “right” is two people coming together and continuing to commit and choose one another day after day. And that if one person chooses to no longer do that, that in itself is what makes the relationship not “right” for us.
I’m 31 and just cut ties with a 7 year on and off relationship. I made this decision while he was away in Peru for two months which was supposed to be a “break” but we were still in contact everyday. He is due back in 1 week and I told him I’m not ready to see him and that’s when I cut the cord. He extended his stay and I have no idea what will happen. All I know is that it feels right. I have two really loud conflicting voices, but the one that is a bit louder told me to break it off. It really does hurt so good. 💔
@@Claudia-yc8xk I'm 29 too, together 8 years and I was dumped a few months ago, my ex wants me back and I'm exploring that idea but I'm very unsure about getting back with him. how did you cope?
@@lovedalusi hii, I won't lie I found it very difficult after me and my ex broke up, I'm in a much better place now but I am still healing. In regards to your situation, I always say deep down we know what the right choice is, if you can genuinely see it work and you see and future together I would try and work together to become more solid and progress x
This video is so brilliant. Thank you for clarity and realness. I don’t want to let go of my relationship because I love that man. But I know how it is it is not enough for me. It feels part time. We don’t live together. A month can pass without seeing him. I need physical closeness. It is probably repeating a childhood wound in me of not feeling worthy or seen.
You're so right. The most important thing is the realization of how that's not your 'love home' anymore. I'm very proud of you for making the best decision for you and also for your ex partner because sometimes the other person is so used to it that they don't even take the big step and make the move. Keep going 💪🏼 🌹
Absolutely! It’s such a heartbreaking realization to come to, but identifying that you don’t/can’t feel at home in your relationship anymore is really important. Thank you so so much for the support and encouragement! ❤️🙏🏼
Dang! Nail on the head. A lot of extremely profound words and it seems as thought you were really able to reflect. Conversations with yourself are some of the most difficult. Your words have helped me, thank you.
Thank you so much! I really appreciate the feedback and I’m happy this one resonated with you. And I completely agree - being honest with ourselves is bloody hard!
I came across your account today and I wanted to thank you for sharing your story and creating these self-help videos. These are words I needed to hear to rationalize my decision to end my relationship with my ex, as I have been riddled with guilt as he is a lovely caring human being. I was justifying his red flags because I was too scared to hurt him, and it boiled to a point where I couldn't handle it anymore and felt resentment building toward him. His father emotionally abused him, and I caught signs of that being projected on me and had to reflect if this was something I was willing to walk into. I have past trauma with my own father, but have not seen him since I was 12 (now 26) and have not suffered from that emotional neglect and trauma, when my ex has been dealing with it his entire life, and will continue to. He will never understand my pain, and cannot shield me from that pain, it is deep-rooted and is something he will never understand. As much as my ex cares and loves me and would show up for me any day, at any time, and stick by my side, we all have flaws, and sometimes we must set boundaries that aren't meant to hurt the other person, but rather to protect ourselves. This had been one of the most difficult decisions I have ever had to make for myself, but ultimately it was the least selfish as I am doing what's best for myself, and for him. I love how you said that no one needs to understand the reasoning for ending a relationship besides yourself. And the best thing any of us can do is make the effort to understand that we can improve ourselves, and show up even stronger for the next partner in our life. Thank you for your advice and guidance. You are so strong, and please know these videos truly and profoundly help.
I am just on the edge of that decision myself. He’s a wonderful man and I feel awful for wanting to leave. I have teetered on the edge for years now and wasted so much time.
I neeeeded this so badly today. Ik my ex doesn’t want me at all anymore yet I can’t help but feel the need to keep trying. You’re right though. I should wait for someone who enthusiastically chooses me. Another great vid, love and peace from Scotland 🏴 P.s that artwork on the left hand side is dope af haha
I’m so happy this video came at the right time for you! Absolutely, it takes two people to really want a relationship, and who are truly invested. And you WILL find that! And aww it is cool isn’t it!? It’s actually not mine though haha. I’m currently living in a fully furnished apartment that is decorated by the owners. They have very cool taste! 😁🙌🏼
I'm so glad I found this video today! My partner and I have met our journey of growth together after 31 years and I just made the difficult decision to end the relationship and I feel so completely and utterly relieved and content, even though my partner is really hurting from my decision. I hurt for him, but I know without a doubt that this is the right decision.
I am currently in a similar (23 year) situation. I feel like a 100 lb cinder block lifted off my chest! Yet, there is a lingering guilt that is haunting me. But I can’t deny the relief.
Thank you for such an insightful talk. I have felt that leaving was right. I pushed the voice of intuition away and listened to my ego and let my codependency ways lead me into a heartbreak. I’m leaning into taking responsibility for my own choices meanwhile trying to understand my partners disease of chemical dependency. I finally asked myself “whose life am I living? Mine or his?” Of course there is so much more to it. Thank you for these talks. I appreciate you!!! Love and light through this journey. 💫🌻
You’re so welcome! I’m so happy it resonated with you. And thank you so much for sharing your story! I completely understand the tremendous amount of strength it would have taken you to make that decision. As you said, there is always so much nuance to consider. But have faith and trust in the choice you have made - what makes it right is that YOU chose it. You got this! ❤️
Honestly Ash, thanks so so much for sharing. I struggled really hard for a very long time with feeling like I was a terrible person for leaving my ex. It was a healthy relationship, my first serious relationship, and I really loved him but I felt like it just didn't feel right anymore, we became more platonic and I felt like I had lowered my standards and expected the bare minimum. I faced a lot of guilt, shame and hurt as consequences of my decision and have had to unpack these feelings over the last 3 years. I began to second guess my decision to break up with him after beginning to have frequent dreams about him a year after our breakup and eventually I just couldn't stop thinking about him. It's completely devastating to think you're sure about making the right decision and then have to admit that you're not so sure anymore. Somewhere along the way I forgot that its totally okay to change your mind & that we can't predict the future, we can only do the best we can with the feelings we have in the present moment. Thanks for reminding me :)
Your comment really resonated with me, how are you feeling now ?? I recently ended a 7 year relationship and was left with ALOT of guilt and shame, it's been 5 months since the break up and my emotions are still like a rollercoaster sometimes and sometimes I regret my decision but I know deep deep down it wouldn't have worked. How long did it take to let go of the guilt and shame ?
On point Ash. Very apt review on the situation. With such thinking you are well on your way to recovery and the new chapter in your life. Best wishes. Don't forget to take care during these times.
You got me so much, I thought I wanted to keep trying and yet I couldnt. Why do I keep lying to myself? I dont have the desire to work for it anymore. Im too scared to admit the reality and you're right it is selfish and cowardly..
Oh my god! You're the first person ever on a topic like this, that warns people with rocd or relationship anxiety before watching your video! That really shows how educated you are on relationships, because many coaches dismiss that!
thank you for the disclaimer ash! i'm not currently in a relationship but i was diagnosed with general anxiety and ocd. i remember constantly feeling paranoid abt my relationship and comparing it to others and trying to end it if it didn't seem like what the perfect relationship should be. i would have spiraled for hours and hours if i had watched a similar video.
I can connect you to a powerful and harmless lady who can help you she helped me and I strongly believe she can help you with anything that troubles your heart ❤
I appreciate what you're saying, and I have the utmost respect for you. Yet, it seems very much that you're a thinker, I'm a thinker too and sometimes we think too much and it's to our own detriment. Clearly you're a beautiful girl and I'm sure you have a lot to offer, but be careful to overthink. Sometimes when we overthink we unknowingly create a self-fulfilling prophecy that manifests itself.
I totally agree haha! I am DEFINITELY a thinker and over-analyzer, often to my own detriment. That being said, I think this is probably one of the few times in my life I have really tapped into my body and allowed my gut to really guide me. But yes! Totally spot on! 😁🙌🏼
Willingness is so important from both sides. If it's one sided, that's your sign it's time to leave. I was always the one blamed for every problem during my past relationship, yet was the only one trying to make things "right".....but it was never enough. Somehow I was always labeled the selfish one, but that's what you get when dealing with a narcissist.
It's incredible that we are experiencing THE SAME EXACT THING at the SAME EXACT TIME. I can relate to literally every single emotion of yours that resulted from this type of dynamic. This is so helpful to me tight now, really needed this. So much love for you ❤
Aww I missed you all more than I could possibly explain! I’m definitely struggling but being back on CZcams is helping SO much. Thank you so much for reaching out ❤️🙏🏼
What about a situation where there is a healthy relationship, but because of missed opportunity in the past she became single mother and then we had a chance to be together. Then 17 years later and 2 more kids, some incident happened, related to her past that killed (not lowered, but rather killed) my self-esteem and mentally emasculated me. Even she was the greatest love of my life, I was not able to see her as before and had no desire to go on fighting for her. I trust her, I respect her, I can support her, even I think I still love her, but I had no motivation to make her happy. The mental (narcissistic) injury was so strong that I willingly went where she put me years ago - in the friend-zone. And started to feel very guilty because I threw away such a good person and functional family... I've been trying to fight for us like 10 months but at the end seems I have to give up. Better this, than the feelings of hopelessness, melancholy and suicidal thoughts...
I appreciate this video I somehow resonate w your sitatuon. My situation: What if I want to make it work but there seems to be too much to fix... the conflict is too often and that communication is often broken down. Couple therapy is too expensive where I live...it just now feels too tired to try.
Ugh 40 with 4 kiddos and recently divorced. Never knew I could be so jaded:( I don’t talk to anyone, moved to a new state to start over and be far away from everything (have my kids w me, of course, minus my oldest in college) I’m angry and hoping to hear some sort of confirmation that I’m going to not feel like this forever. I know I’m not going to date at all ever again, because I have kids and I’m not bringing anyone around them and don’t go out at all, and don’t want to…. So I guess this is the new life. I’m broken. 😢
We've both mutually decided to end our relationship/ My sixth sense, intuition and mind-body talk are crucial factors in amorously bonding with the woman/ Enthusiasm or lack thereof, sincerity, truthfulness, the natural inclination to engage in stimulating conversation and ascendant vibrational energies are the superpowers of the consecrated soul that tell to pursue her or breakup with her/
@@AshleyNord same! Some days im ok and some days i miss my ex like crazy and wants to stalk the hella outta her. Ill just let the waves come and go and float alongside. Im too tired to swim anyways.
Thank you, as a male with these feelings it makes me feel like I’m loser failure or like I didn’t really try. But I’m tried of wake up every morning questioning rather this is the right relationship or not. It’s only been three years And we’ve already been talking about couples therapy. Idk I just hate this feeling and this video help out some thoughts in perspective👌👌👌
I don't agree with what you say that it is impossible to have a clear understanding of when to leave a relationship if you have OCD. I have OCD myself as well, but I don't like the idea that whatever decision I make regarding my relationship has not been well thought out. I can definitely manage my ocd better and wouldn't have always made the best choice, but I think that it's important to know the difference between rational thoughts and obsessive ocd thoughts.
I completely hear where you’re coming from here! I suppose I more so meant when you are really in the midst of an OCD loop, it can be incredibly difficult to decipher the difference between your “truth” vs the anxiety/fear perpetuated by OCD. But as a person with OCD, I 100% agree that we can very much have a clear understanding of when to leave a relationship. But also, for me personally, I know that has been something I have really struggled with during particularly anxious periods in my life.
Eeee this was a difficult video to watch. Felt like being broke up with all over again 😅 . Exact same kind of reasons my exgf gave (together 5 years) 7 months ago on the BU. I don't think i was meeting her ''baseline' anymore. At the same time, she didn't or couldn't communicate that she had changed / was changing. And rather than work on it, she just left. I would have really worked on it with her. But, as you said, there's no right or wrong reasons, just reasons and the consequences attached to each choice.
I think the hardest part is when they don't communicate about their needs and wants, or that something within them is changing. Sometimes it wouldn't change a thing, but I think some people underestimate other people and their potential to change and accomodate their partner. (Obviously not Ashley, because I am 100% sure she communicated her wants and needs throughtout the relationship.)
I can connect you to a powerful and harmless lady who can help you she helped me and I strongly believe she can help you with anything that troubles your heart ❤
I totally relate....I´ve been trying 2 years to fit into my expartner´s life, to meet his needs.......even though I knew, that he is shape of circle and I´m cube....and I was all the time questioning myself, what´s wrong with me, that I do not fit into his life.
Forced celibacy but she won't move to resolve it - nor will she make the decision to bail. Wants to stick it out - but says sex is simply not important to her - and refuses to compromise to meet the needs of the relationship. all about her needs, and this isn't working. 15 out of 22 years of marriage like this. Still have kids in the home, so kind of stuck, waiting for the other show to drop.
I am going through my breakup for two months now. I am so anxious for the past months before our relationship ended. I want to get rid of this situation. I am mentally tired and drained. Luckily i found this video and I hope i get a chance to talk to you Ms. Ashnord.
Thank you for warning me since, I am having a new treatment for my depression (abilify), and I'm currently so anxious about leaving my boyfriend. I don'y know if it's the treatment or something else but leaving him scares mr so much that I keep having panic attacks. So thank you for the warning at the start of your videos Much appreciated
I am on receiving end of this. My ex od 2.5 years and I were going through a rough couple of weeks - but I never thought we were discussing break up. I felt like something changed and wanted to explore it and fix it because that was the mantra od our relationship "we are a team and we will go through everything together". I expressed my needs and concerns. He broke it off - out of the blue- because of, I guess, similar reasons as you. He said we are "fundamentaly different so there is no point in trying"... and I, his gf who he wanted to spend his life with, dont even KNOW what those differences are. He said he no longer loves me - even thought I was his world 2 weeks ago. We had a loving relationship - full of mutual respect and support. He never said anything is missing, he never expressed how I could be "be better". It was just a sudden shift in him.
I believe you tried everything to make it work for the past 8 years. I dont think you gave up right away. I feel like my ex did. I feel like he gave up too soon. There was no period of "trying to see what both of us need and what we can do about it". He just decided on his own that "we arent meant to be so whats the point". I don't understand how can someone spend 2 years building something and then just give up - without even trying once. I'd understand if something major happened - but it didnt. I'd understand if we "tried to fix it" and it didnt work - then fine, let's break up! He was just thinking about everything on his own, without discussing it. I feel like most (if not all) of the problems were solvable. He just lost hope in us on his own and therefore stopped trying. It hurts.
I totally relate to your experience on this. While my relationship was slightly less than a year long, it still hurt when it happened. More specifically it hurt because I felt like I was blindsided and to know he didn’t even want to try to work things out before breaking it off definitely made me think for a period of time that I wasn’t worthy/good enough for him to fight for. I guess everyone just has different ways of dealing with moments of instability.
@@ghysrocks I agree. I'm really hurt because he didn't talk to me when he noticed the change in himself. I literally see it as an insult that he kept to himself and let his mind think whatever... instead of discussing it like a normal couple. I've had relationships under 1 year that had the discussion before breaking up and a period of "trying it out to see if it works". And suddenly "a person who wanted to marry me" thinks "we had to break up because it doesnt make sense anymore". Rubish. I think that's what immature people do. I don't know your ex, but no sane person wakes up one day and just destroy something they have been building for years.
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. Sometimes it’s impossible to truly know what people’s reasons are for feeling like it’s time to walk away from a relationship. I fought long and hard for my relationship with my partner and I certainly believe in the mantra of being a team and facing the difficult storms together! But, sometimes there comes a point when facing the storms together is no longer a loving decision, as I believe was the case for me. Sending you so much love and healing! ❤️❤️
@@AshleyNord Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate them and your videos because they help me a lot! ❤️ I understand there comes a point when facing the storms together is no longer a loving decision (like in your case), however I think that didn't happen yet for my relationship as we never even tried to solve it together. The other part of my team left without trying once. I feel like he gave up too quickly and too easily, but that's only my point of view.
I'm not feeling the willingness to work on my relationship, however, we have a child. Should I force myself to work on it anyway? It's also more likely than not that we'd never be able to individually afford to buy houses, so we'd be in much worse financial state when we're old than we would be if we stayed together. We currently own a very cheap dwelling. We have issues that mean we don't earn particularly high incomes and we're mid-50s now. As I'm sure everyone knows, banks take into account both current income and how many more earning years you have before retirement when deciding if they'll give you a mortgage. I don't feel particularly confident of my chances of finding another partner, as don't feel like I have a lot going for me. I know it's not completely impossible I may find someone more suited to me. The potential impact on my child is my biggest reason for hesitating to break up, but the other fears could still be well-founded. It's so hard to work out what to do...
As someone who grew up with parents that didn’t fully love each other, please don’t feel pressured into keeping the relationship going. I’ve seen how breaking the relationship can affect a child negatively but I think staying together when it’s not right is just as bad. Both can be heartbreaking to a kid, but I’m sure your kid will eventually understand and wants to see you happy. I would say just be honest and open with your kid explaining the situation and checking up on them. It will be hard but it’s not impossible. Hope this helped The money part is hard. I mean if it’s really affecting you staying in the relationship , I’m sure a solution will come by. Like maybe you could still share a home. Additionally, I think being single is way better than being in an unhappy relationship. Overall, it’s better for your growth and mental health.
@@Ladys_Garden Thanks so much caring and for taking the time to share your thoughts. I also grew up with parents that weren't getting on. The home environment was very stressful and as a child I wished they would split up. My relationship is not that bad, so I don't think there is much negative impact on our child (who is almost 7), though of course it would be ideal if she could see a more loving relationship modelled to her. If we split, I think there is a good chance she wouldn't see any couple relationship modelled to her. I agree that being single would be better than being in an unhappy relationship; it's just a case of working out whether my relationship is making me that unhappy. My mental health issues aren't as bad now as they were when I posted: then I'd had suicidal ideation every day for over a year. Thinking daily about whether to leave my partner went in tandem with that and both have subsided a lot. My relationship hasn't changed for the better, so that isn't the reason I don't think so much about leaving. I'm currently more focused on doing things to improve my mental health and maybe when I have got on top of more things that have been hanging over me, I'll either be clearer that I want to leave, or I'll feel more motivated to try to improve our relationship. I have no idea which it will be. Again, I really appreciate you taking the time to reply to my message Thanks, Sarah
Yes day 28 I found out truth of ex girlfriend cheating and reeling me back in for last visit july 9....she only did admit 3 wks after caught he stopped seeing her once found out she met me I guess he knew that night her phone conveniently off ..Had not seen her again since week or so b4 met me cant believe how narcissistic and cruel she was...without telling me been devastated, shocked...karma already hurting ex
@@AshleyNord Its hard the tears the fantasy of who I thought she was....gotta grieve but I feel all I do is obsess ...that she could be so deceitful glad it's over but its killing me...I'll keep going no contact ignore her if she tries hard to distract myself...I am a songwriter but still so raw...I heard someone say as much as hurts to leave it hurts 10x more to stay so true. I am so codependent I had a rebound ex got jealous ....that rebound didnt last for me and didnt help me get over her lies....It is now my choice to not engage w someone w obv NPD...I KNO OTHER PPL HAVE SURVIVED WORSE!! THIS IS A BLESSING JUST SUX FIRST MONTH OR SO...KEEP GOING TY ASH.
31 yr i was crazy inlove with my husband kids grew up moved out sudenly my 31 yrs husband turned into this cruel abusive man i never knew i dint know this man past six years he he has healf resentments for me all those years waiting untill sons movex out and begsne his cruel actions towards me the hirrivle names he called me everything has put me state of shock help
Very slowly, yes! Thank you so much for asking ❤️ the waves of grief and heartbreak are still coming and going, but I’m doing my best to just allow the tide in and out ☺️🙏🏼
I’m slowly feeling a little better! It definitely comes and goes in waves, and I’m still really hurting. But I find I am getting breaks from the pain here and there ❤️🙏🏼
Haha yeah it does hey… you’re feeling better then you hear a song, drive past the same car as they have or see a show y’all used to watch together while you’re scrolling on Netflix… and you’re like okay maybe I’m not out of the woods yet 😂
I hear you 😞 when you’re in the throws of guilt it can be really hard not to beat yourself up. But please have trust that you have likely made the right decision for both yourself and your ex partner 🙏🏼 I promise that clarity will come in time.
Ashley. Never seen or heard a more beautiful and organic soul.. Falling in love with you literally. Really Wana get to know you. I'm an Aquarius so we are very blunt and straight to the point. How can I get to know you 🤔😁
I can connect you to a powerful and harmless lady who can help you she helped me and I strongly believe she can help you with anything that troubles your heart ❤
And your right about your feelings about the relationship. You have a baseline that wasn't observed and fulfilled by your ex. However, being alone for a while, ( stick with it, it has its advantages! ) you will feel yourself re evaluating your baseline from time to time. And that's totally normal. I was really freaked out by it at first. What are my core values, have I any new ones? Have I thrown enough rubbish out with my existing values, am I right? Am I wrong? All these things come into your head, just embrace it. It's change. But that doesn't have to be scary, it's a sign that you want nothing more than to grow. You've got this. Xxx
God I’m not sure I have ever resonated with a comment SO much. Everything you have described here has truly hit the nail on the head. And truly, I couldn’t have summed it up better: I have a baseline that wasn’t observed and fulfilled by my ex. That is IT. Thank you for acknowledging this, it truly makes me feel so seen and understood. As always, THANK YOU ❤️🙏🏼
@@AshleyNord well I am a psychotherapist, it's kinda what I do. Can't take my own advice half the time, that's where you come in!
Yeah think of the baseline as a goalmouth in soccer, hockey, whatever you're into. It's gonna move somedays, and other days it will stay put. The challenge for people is to accept the change and adapt. Fear can and will often freeze someone who didn't see that goalmouth shift a little, or at least didn't see it coming. But as you know perfectly well, it comes down to you, your perception of what is going on for you right now, and your own "personal fluidity". (It's something I penned in an essay, but that term is a gift to you, only if you use it in a video.... 😃 😀 😄)
Essentially it's about knowing that the baseline is susceptible to moving, either by external or even internal locus of evaluation, and other peoples actions. Its also about knowing that you are able to move along with it. Even when you're stuck. You're doing brilliantly. Actually come to think of it, I'm getting stronger too. Catch a huge high five from a few thousand miles away. Loads of love xx
Its goin over an over in my head yes unhealthy...I am trying to let go is almost impossible ty Ash
I am so flattered to know that a psychotherapist finds value in my videos! Amazing! Thank you 😁❤️🙏🏼 and I LOVE that term! Personal fluidity. If I use it, I will absolutely give you credit 🙌🏼☺️ thanks so much for fleshing that explanation out for me, it makes complete sense.
So so happy you’re doing better! We will heal together! High five!! ❤️❤️
@@AshleyNord you're more than welcome! Keep looking after yourself, you're doing great. Speak soon! ❤
Yeah, only YOU really know what's right for you. Your partner doesn't have to be a terrible person for you to decide that the relationship is no longer serving you. I am going thru a mutually agreed upon breakup (as he made it clear that a particular need I have for any relationship I'm in was not a need he was willing to meet, and I'm not willing to settle...) and he's not a bad person. Just not someone who's willing/able to meet my needs and make a relationship with him worth while. The older I get the more I value my time and am less willing to spend it on those who don't meet me in equal measure. And that's okay. 🙂
Hope you have fun on your trip! 💛
Amen!! 🙌🏼 that’s absolutely right. No one can decide what is right for us other than ourselves. And if we can identify that we have baseline needs that cannot be met by the other person, then it’s down to us to either let go of that need (which, I think, often leads to resentment down the road), or choose to move on.
@@AshleyNord 💯💯💯
Thank you for putting out this video. I had a dream about my ex the night before and this video was just what I needed to help me process my feelings. It's so hard to know when the right time to end a relationship is. In my case the relationship between my ex and I should have ended sooner but we both hid our true feelings because we believed that in the future things would get better. It can seem easier to stick with the pain you know instead of opening yourself up to the unknown. I still have feelings for my ex but I know that if we had stayed together we would just have kept causing each other pain. I really resonated with your comment about not feeling comfortable in the relationship anymore. The healthiest relationships I have been in have been those where I felt safe and comfortable around my partner. As you mentioned losing this feeling is a good indicator that the relationship is not working anymore. We all deserve to feel secure, comfortable, and loved. Again, thank you for releasing this video and take care.
You’re so welcome! I’m so happy it resonated with you and was able to help you process your own experience. It truly is SO hard to know when it’s time to walk away, and everyone will be completely different and unique. What’s “right” for one person may not be right for another! Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts ❤️🙏🏼
This is beautiful and makes so much sense. It really clears up the questions I've been asking about my previous relationship. Thank you 🙏 My mom also told me that a relationship shouldn't be SO MUCH effort. I do however believe that relationships require work, but I've learned that with the right person, the relationship would not be so much work and effort. I wasn't the one that ended the relationship though, but I can now see more clearly why it was for the best. And yes, you are so right in saying that you can only do what's best for you in the present moment with the information you have; we should all choose to not live in fear 👏
Thank you so much! I’m so happy it resonated with you and allowed you to feel some clarity within your own situation. And I totally agree with both you and your mom. All relationships do require work and effort, and some seasons will be more difficult than others. But I think there needs to be a balance and that, overall, ease and genuine connection should outweigh the difficulty.
Ashley, I love your videos! I’m sorry about your heartbreak 💔
1.5 years ago I started watching your videos as I was contemplating leaving my relationship. I learned a lot from you, you always have so much wisdom to share and I think you should be so proud of yourself for who you are.
At the end, I left my relationship about 1 year ago but up until this moments I keep shaming myself and guilting for the work I expected myself to do more of and change that I think I should have done instead of leaving my relationship but watching your more recent videos help me accept my own decision and come to peace with it. It’s so hard to heal from separation from a good person
Love and peace ❤
That is EXACTLY the video i needed.
Thank you so much .bless you . 🙏🙏🙏✨
Thank you for sharing, being also an anxious person... 20 years into a relationship... I needed to hear this. ❤❤❤
I feel you. We should feel wanted, loved, desired, protected and supported.
At some point the willingness to fight and fight and fight is no longer there and both persons should be willing to work things out. I love your way of thinking, I felt the same and it took I so much time to reach out to this point and it is so eye opening. I hope you're feeling better ❤️
Absolutely! Those are such base level, fundamental needs that I don’t think any of us should have to go without within a relationship. I couldn’t agree more! It’s OKAY (often, more than okay) to no longer want to fight anymore.
And thank you so much, I am slowly doing better day by day ❤️🙏🏼
I couldn´t agree more with what you are saying. I feel the same way - 100 %. THANK YOU SO MUCH for this important video 🙏💖. You are such a smart person and you are so right.
This is a bit hard for me to watch because I wasn’t the one who decided to end the relationship. Things were definitely off for a while between us & he says he tried to make it work but to me it just seemed like his “trying” was just simply not breaking up with me, but there was no substancial work actually being done. It felt like I was the only one trying to save us, although sometimes I feel like he thought I was the only one who needed to change. I still blame myself a lot because I did take so long to really try and do the work I needed to do, by the time I did he was fully checked out. He told me he didn’t love me anymore & that he didn’t like the person he was with me & it hurts that he no longer saw the qualities he saw in me at first. It’s hard for me to determine whether we just truly weren’t right for each other or if we just didn’t do the work. It is nice to see your point of view though & I think I’ve just convinced myself that he didn’t suffer at all over losing me especially since he was emotionless during the break-up & he started seeing someone about a month after leaving me & made it official with her about 4 months after we broke up & they are still together. Although I’m doing a lot better than I was in the beginning, I am still not completely over it & sometimes it’s hard to believe that he’s really not in my life anymore. Maybe once I’ve truly let go, I’ll be able to see the situation more logically like you were able to.
Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. And honestly, as much as our situations may be different, I relate to SO much of what you’re saying. Especially in relation to feeling like your partner felt that you were the only one who needed to change or do the work. I truly feel I carried that burden throughout the entire duration of our relationship, and by the time my partner realized that I wasn’t at the root of every “problem,” or that I wasn’t defective, it just felt too late for me. And although I can logically explain and articulate my reasons for choosing to leave, I think it’s important to emphasize how overwhelmingly conflicting the underlying emotions are. Making the choice to walk away has been and continues to be completely devastating. So even if we can know/see something on a logical level, it often takes a lot longer for our hearts to catch up! It will likely be a very long time before I feel even remotely prepared to explore a romantic connection with another person.
I hear what you’re saying here 100%, and you are clearly doing an incredible job at validating your emotions and allowing yourself to take your healing at your own pace ❤️ I encourage you to try accepting the fact that there is not really a “right” or “wrong” relationship for us. But rather, perhaps what makes a relationship “right” is two people coming together and continuing to commit and choose one another day after day. And that if one person chooses to no longer do that, that in itself is what makes the relationship not “right” for us.
I’m 31 and just cut ties with a 7 year on and off relationship. I made this decision while he was away in Peru for two months which was supposed to be a “break” but we were still in contact everyday. He is due back in 1 week and I told him I’m not ready to see him and that’s when I cut the cord. He extended his stay and I have no idea what will happen. All I know is that it feels right. I have two really loud conflicting voices, but the one that is a bit louder told me to break it off. It really does hurt so good. 💔
So sorry to hear this ! How are you coping now ?? I'm 29 and just ended a 7 year on and off relationship and my situation is very similar to yours.
@@Claudia-yc8xk I'm 29 too, together 8 years and I was dumped a few months ago, my ex wants me back and I'm exploring that idea but I'm very unsure about getting back with him. how did you cope?
@@lovedalusi hii, I won't lie I found it very difficult after me and my ex broke up, I'm in a much better place now but I am still healing. In regards to your situation, I always say deep down we know what the right choice is, if you can genuinely see it work and you see and future together I would try and work together to become more solid and progress x
This video is so brilliant. Thank you for clarity and realness. I don’t want to let go of my relationship because I love that man. But I know how it is it is not enough for me. It feels part time. We don’t live together. A month can pass without seeing him. I need physical closeness.
It is probably repeating a childhood wound in me of not feeling worthy or seen.
You're so right. The most important thing is the realization of how that's not your 'love home' anymore. I'm very proud of you for making the best decision for you and also for your ex partner because sometimes the other person is so used to it that they don't even take the big step and make the move. Keep going 💪🏼 🌹
Absolutely! It’s such a heartbreaking realization to come to, but identifying that you don’t/can’t feel at home in your relationship anymore is really important. Thank you so so much for the support and encouragement! ❤️🙏🏼
Dang! Nail on the head. A lot of extremely profound words and it seems as thought you were really able to reflect. Conversations with yourself are some of the most difficult. Your words have helped me, thank you.
Thank you so much! I really appreciate the feedback and I’m happy this one resonated with you. And I completely agree - being honest with ourselves is bloody hard!
Yes mate! Looking stronger, looking great! Bloody well done Ash! I'm very very proud of you xxxxx
You are so incredibly kind and supportive 🥺 thank you so much Michael! Your constant encouragement means the world!
I came across your account today and I wanted to thank you for sharing your story and creating these self-help videos. These are words I needed to hear to rationalize my decision to end my relationship with my ex, as I have been riddled with guilt as he is a lovely caring human being. I was justifying his red flags because I was too scared to hurt him, and it boiled to a point where I couldn't handle it anymore and felt resentment building toward him. His father emotionally abused him, and I caught signs of that being projected on me and had to reflect if this was something I was willing to walk into. I have past trauma with my own father, but have not seen him since I was 12 (now 26) and have not suffered from that emotional neglect and trauma, when my ex has been dealing with it his entire life, and will continue to. He will never understand my pain, and cannot shield me from that pain, it is deep-rooted and is something he will never understand.
As much as my ex cares and loves me and would show up for me any day, at any time, and stick by my side, we all have flaws, and sometimes we must set boundaries that aren't meant to hurt the other person, but rather to protect ourselves. This had been one of the most difficult decisions I have ever had to make for myself, but ultimately it was the least selfish as I am doing what's best for myself, and for him. I love how you said that no one needs to understand the reasoning for ending a relationship besides yourself. And the best thing any of us can do is make the effort to understand that we can improve ourselves, and show up even stronger for the next partner in our life. Thank you for your advice and guidance. You are so strong, and please know these videos truly and profoundly help.
I am just on the edge of that decision myself. He’s a wonderful man and I feel awful for wanting to leave. I have teetered on the edge for years now and wasted so much time.
I neeeeded this so badly today. Ik my ex doesn’t want me at all anymore yet I can’t help but feel the need to keep trying. You’re right though. I should wait for someone who enthusiastically chooses me. Another great vid, love and peace from Scotland 🏴
P.s that artwork on the left hand side is dope af haha
I’m so happy this video came at the right time for you! Absolutely, it takes two people to really want a relationship, and who are truly invested. And you WILL find that!
And aww it is cool isn’t it!? It’s actually not mine though haha. I’m currently living in a fully furnished apartment that is decorated by the owners. They have very cool taste! 😁🙌🏼
I'm so glad I found this video today! My partner and I have met our journey of growth together after 31 years and I just made the difficult decision to end the relationship and I feel so completely and utterly relieved and content, even though my partner is really hurting from my decision. I hurt for him, but I know without a doubt that this is the right decision.
I am currently in a similar (23 year) situation. I feel like a 100 lb cinder block lifted off my chest! Yet, there is a lingering guilt that is haunting me. But I can’t deny the relief.
This is fantastic, thank you it has helped myself so much right now.
Thank you for such an insightful talk. I have felt that leaving was right. I pushed the voice of intuition away and listened to my ego and let my codependency ways lead me into a heartbreak. I’m leaning into taking responsibility for my own choices meanwhile trying to understand my partners disease of chemical dependency. I finally asked myself “whose life am I living? Mine or his?”
Of course there is so much more to it. Thank you for these talks. I appreciate you!!! Love and light through this journey. 💫🌻
You’re so welcome! I’m so happy it resonated with you. And thank you so much for sharing your story! I completely understand the tremendous amount of strength it would have taken you to make that decision. As you said, there is always so much nuance to consider. But have faith and trust in the choice you have made - what makes it right is that YOU chose it. You got this! ❤️
I'm happy to see you! I hope you have a wonderful getaway!
Thank you so much! It’s much needed 😅❤️🙏🏼
Honestly Ash, thanks so so much for sharing. I struggled really hard for a very long time with feeling like I was a terrible person for leaving my ex. It was a healthy relationship, my first serious relationship, and I really loved him but I felt like it just didn't feel right anymore, we became more platonic and I felt like I had lowered my standards and expected the bare minimum. I faced a lot of guilt, shame and hurt as consequences of my decision and have had to unpack these feelings over the last 3 years. I began to second guess my decision to break up with him after beginning to have frequent dreams about him a year after our breakup and eventually I just couldn't stop thinking about him. It's completely devastating to think you're sure about making the right decision and then have to admit that you're not so sure anymore. Somewhere along the way I forgot that its totally okay to change your mind & that we can't predict the future, we can only do the best we can with the feelings we have in the present moment. Thanks for reminding me :)
Your comment really resonated with me, how are you feeling now ?? I recently ended a 7 year relationship and was left with ALOT of guilt and shame, it's been 5 months since the break up and my emotions are still like a rollercoaster sometimes and sometimes I regret my decision but I know deep deep down it wouldn't have worked. How long did it take to let go of the guilt and shame ?
Same experience I've had for the duration of 3 years, too/ Trust that you've made the right decision/ Never lower your standards/
A joy to see how well your doing. 🌅
On point Ash. Very apt review on the situation. With such thinking you are well on your way to recovery and the new chapter in your life. Best wishes. Don't forget to take care during these times.
Thank you so much! I really appreciate the encouragement ☺️🙏🏼 I hope you’re right ❤️❤️
i freakin love your videos!! I agree and resonate with you so much. Sending so much love & healing.
Thank you so much! 🥺🙏🏼 I’m so happy you enjoy my content. And thank you so much for the love and support, it means the world to me! ❤️❤️
Even though i'm single I will still watch to support 🤘🏼
Thank you so much! 🥺 I appreciate it so so much ❤️❤️🙏🏼
You got me so much, I thought I wanted to keep trying and yet I couldnt. Why do I keep lying to myself? I dont have the desire to work for it anymore. Im too scared to admit the reality and you're right it is selfish and cowardly..
Oh my god! You're the first person ever on a topic like this, that warns people with rocd or relationship anxiety before watching your video! That really shows how educated you are on relationships, because many coaches dismiss that!
Hey friend if you seriously want to restore your relationship get in touch with the man who helped me 💯❣️❣️💯
He is the best when it comes to restoration of broken relationship 💔💔
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thank you for the disclaimer ash! i'm not currently in a relationship but i was diagnosed with general anxiety and ocd. i remember constantly feeling paranoid abt my relationship and comparing it to others and trying to end it if it didn't seem like what the perfect relationship should be. i would have spiraled for hours and hours if i had watched a similar video.
I can connect you to a powerful and harmless lady who can help you she helped me and I strongly believe she can help you with anything that troubles your heart ❤
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this really touches my soul tbh
I totally resonate with what you have said🙏
I appreciate what you're saying, and I have the utmost respect for you. Yet, it seems very much that you're a thinker, I'm a thinker too and sometimes we think too much and it's to our own detriment. Clearly you're a beautiful girl and I'm sure you have a lot to offer, but be careful to overthink. Sometimes when we overthink we unknowingly create a self-fulfilling prophecy that manifests itself.
I totally agree haha! I am DEFINITELY a thinker and over-analyzer, often to my own detriment. That being said, I think this is probably one of the few times in my life I have really tapped into my body and allowed my gut to really guide me. But yes! Totally spot on! 😁🙌🏼
@@AshleyNord I relate here too! Virgo by any chance? 😅
@@hannah5073 hahahahahaha virgo here 🙈🙈🙈🙈
Willingness is so important from both sides. If it's one sided, that's your sign it's time to leave. I was always the one blamed for every problem during my past relationship, yet was the only one trying to make things "right".....but it was never enough. Somehow I was always labeled the selfish one, but that's what you get when dealing with a narcissist.
I hear you in regards to always feeling blamed for problems. It’s a really exhausting dynamic to live in. Sending you love and healing ❤️❤️🙏🏼
The beautiful thing about these is that it is true about friendships.
100%! Everything I’ve discussed here is absolutely applicable to non-romantic relationships too.
It's incredible that we are experiencing THE SAME EXACT THING at the SAME EXACT TIME. I can relate to literally every single emotion of yours that resulted from this type of dynamic. This is so helpful to me tight now, really needed this. So much love for you ❤
Hey friend if you seriously want to restore your relationship get in touch with the man who helped me ❣️💯💯
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I really connect with you, Ash; I wish you a quick recovery from this breakup pain that follows.
He is the best when it’s comes to restoration of relationship
If you seriously want to restore your relationship contact the man who helped me 💯💯❤️❣️
He is the best when it’s comes to restoration of broken relationship 💔💔💯😭
Reach him via watsapp on that number ❤️❤️💯
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Hi girl I missed your videos so much
I hope ur doing better
And thank you as always for your lessons 🤍
Aww I missed you all more than I could possibly explain! I’m definitely struggling but being back on CZcams is helping SO much. Thank you so much for reaching out ❤️🙏🏼
What about a situation where there is a healthy relationship, but because of missed opportunity in the past she became single mother and then we had a chance to be together.
Then 17 years later and 2 more kids, some incident happened, related to her past that killed (not lowered, but rather killed) my self-esteem and mentally emasculated me. Even she was the greatest love of my life, I was not able to see her as before and had no desire to go on fighting for her. I trust her, I respect her, I can support her, even I think I still love her, but I had no motivation to make her happy. The mental (narcissistic) injury was so strong that I willingly went where she put me years ago - in the friend-zone. And started to feel very guilty because I threw away such a good person and functional family...
I've been trying to fight for us like 10 months but at the end seems I have to give up. Better this, than the feelings of hopelessness, melancholy and suicidal thoughts...
Ash you are the absolute bastion of truth. Also your hair looks amazing
If you seriously want to restore your relationship get in touch with the man who helped me ❣️💯💯❣️
He is the best when it’s comes to restoration of broken relationship 💔💔💯
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I appreciate this video I somehow resonate w your sitatuon. My situation: What if I want to make it work but there seems to be too much to fix... the conflict is too often and that communication is often broken down. Couple therapy is too expensive where I live...it just now feels too tired to try.
Ugh 40 with 4 kiddos and recently divorced. Never knew I could be so jaded:( I don’t talk to anyone, moved to a new state to start over and be far away from everything (have my kids w me, of course, minus my oldest in college) I’m angry and hoping to hear some sort of confirmation that I’m going to not feel like this forever. I know I’m not going to date at all ever again, because I have kids and I’m not bringing anyone around them and don’t go out at all, and don’t want to…. So I guess this is the new life. I’m broken. 😢
I am so sorry you are going through this. How do you feel?
You ain’t broken , not at all
We've both mutually decided to end our relationship/ My sixth sense, intuition and mind-body talk are crucial factors in amorously bonding with the woman/ Enthusiasm or lack thereof, sincerity, truthfulness, the natural inclination to engage in stimulating conversation and ascendant vibrational energies are the superpowers of the consecrated soul that tell to pursue her or breakup with her/
Hi ash i hope u feel better. Lots of love from Singapore!
Thank you so much! Things are coming and going in waves but I seem to be VERY slowly doing a little better ☺️❤️
@@AshleyNord same! Some days im ok and some days i miss my ex like crazy and wants to stalk the hella outta her. Ill just let the waves come and go and float alongside. Im too tired to swim anyways.
Thank you, as a male with these feelings it makes me feel like I’m loser failure or like I didn’t really try.
But I’m tried of wake up every morning questioning rather this is the right relationship or not. It’s only been three years And we’ve already been talking about couples therapy. Idk I just hate this feeling and this video help out some thoughts in perspective👌👌👌
Hey friend if you seriously want to restore your relationship get in touch with the man who help me 💯💯❤️❤️
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I don't agree with what you say that it is impossible to have a clear understanding of when to leave a relationship if you have OCD. I have OCD myself as well, but I don't like the idea that whatever decision I make regarding my relationship has not been well thought out. I can definitely manage my ocd better and wouldn't have always made the best choice, but I think that it's important to know the difference between rational thoughts and obsessive ocd thoughts.
I completely hear where you’re coming from here! I suppose I more so meant when you are really in the midst of an OCD loop, it can be incredibly difficult to decipher the difference between your “truth” vs the anxiety/fear perpetuated by OCD. But as a person with OCD, I 100% agree that we can very much have a clear understanding of when to leave a relationship. But also, for me personally, I know that has been something I have really struggled with during particularly anxious periods in my life.
…. And an excellent video on relationships. Well done.
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He is the best when it’s comes to restoration of broken relationship 💔💔💔💯💯
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Hey can you do a video on healthy ways to properly heal from a lost of a relationship?
Absolutely! I will likely have lots of upcoming videos on this topic over the coming months ☺️🙏🏼
Eeee this was a difficult video to watch. Felt like being broke up with all over again 😅 . Exact same kind of reasons my exgf gave (together 5 years) 7 months ago on the BU. I don't think i was meeting her ''baseline' anymore. At the same time, she didn't or couldn't communicate that she had changed / was changing. And rather than work on it, she just left. I would have really worked on it with her. But, as you said, there's no right or wrong reasons, just reasons and the consequences attached to each choice.
I think the hardest part is when they don't communicate about their needs and wants, or that something within them is changing. Sometimes it wouldn't change a thing, but I think some people underestimate other people and their potential to change and accomodate their partner.
(Obviously not Ashley, because I am 100% sure she communicated her wants and needs throughtout the relationship.)
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I totally relate....I´ve been trying 2 years to fit into my expartner´s life, to meet his needs.......even though I knew, that he is shape of circle and I´m cube....and I was all the time questioning myself, what´s wrong with me, that I do not fit into his life.
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Forced celibacy but she won't move to resolve it - nor will she make the decision to bail. Wants to stick it out - but says sex is simply not important to her - and refuses to compromise to meet the needs of the relationship. all about her needs, and this isn't working. 15 out of 22 years of marriage like this. Still have kids in the home, so kind of stuck, waiting for the other show to drop.
I am going through my breakup for two months now. I am so anxious for the past months before our relationship ended. I want to get rid of this situation. I am mentally tired and drained. Luckily i found this video and I hope i get a chance to talk to you Ms. Ashnord.
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Thank you for warning me since, I am having a new treatment for my depression (abilify), and I'm currently so anxious about leaving my boyfriend. I don'y know if it's the treatment or something else but leaving him scares mr so much that I keep having panic attacks.
So thank you for the warning at the start of your videos
Much appreciated
I am on receiving end of this. My ex od 2.5 years and I were going through a rough couple of weeks - but I never thought we were discussing break up. I felt like something changed and wanted to explore it and fix it because that was the mantra od our relationship "we are a team and we will go through everything together". I expressed my needs and concerns. He broke it off - out of the blue- because of, I guess, similar reasons as you.
He said we are "fundamentaly different so there is no point in trying"... and I, his gf who he wanted to spend his life with, dont even KNOW what those differences are. He said he no longer loves me - even thought I was his world 2 weeks ago. We had a loving relationship - full of mutual respect and support. He never said anything is missing, he never expressed how I could be "be better". It was just a sudden shift in him.
I believe you tried everything to make it work for the past 8 years. I dont think you gave up right away.
I feel like my ex did. I feel like he gave up too soon. There was no period of "trying to see what both of us need and what we can do about it". He just decided on his own that "we arent meant to be so whats the point". I don't understand how can someone spend 2 years building something and then just give up - without even trying once. I'd understand if something major happened - but it didnt.
I'd understand if we "tried to fix it" and it didnt work - then fine, let's break up!
He was just thinking about everything on his own, without discussing it. I feel like most (if not all) of the problems were solvable.
He just lost hope in us on his own and therefore stopped trying. It hurts.
I totally relate to your experience on this. While my relationship was slightly less than a year long, it still hurt when it happened. More specifically it hurt because I felt like I was blindsided and to know he didn’t even want to try to work things out before breaking it off definitely made me think for a period of time that I wasn’t worthy/good enough for him to fight for. I guess everyone just has different ways of dealing with moments of instability.
@@ghysrocks I agree. I'm really hurt because he didn't talk to me when he noticed the change in himself. I literally see it as an insult that he kept to himself and let his mind think whatever... instead of discussing it like a normal couple. I've had relationships under 1 year that had the discussion before breaking up and a period of "trying it out to see if it works". And suddenly "a person who wanted to marry me" thinks "we had to break up because it doesnt make sense anymore". Rubish.
I think that's what immature people do. I don't know your ex, but no sane person wakes up one day and just destroy something they have been building for years.
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. Sometimes it’s impossible to truly know what people’s reasons are for feeling like it’s time to walk away from a relationship. I fought long and hard for my relationship with my partner and I certainly believe in the mantra of being a team and facing the difficult storms together! But, sometimes there comes a point when facing the storms together is no longer a loving decision, as I believe was the case for me. Sending you so much love and healing! ❤️❤️
@@AshleyNord Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate them and your videos because they help me a lot! ❤️
I understand there comes a point when facing the storms together is no longer a loving decision (like in your case), however I think that didn't happen yet for my relationship as we never even tried to solve it together. The other part of my team left without trying once. I feel like he gave up too quickly and too easily, but that's only my point of view.
We were no longer an effective team. On every level. As obvious as it is, it can take years to admit it to yourself.
very true blessing davey london uk
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I'm not feeling the willingness to work on my relationship, however, we have a child. Should I force myself to work on it anyway?
It's also more likely than not that we'd never be able to individually afford to buy houses, so we'd be in much worse financial state when we're old than we would be if we stayed together. We currently own a very cheap dwelling. We have issues that mean we don't earn particularly high incomes and we're mid-50s now. As I'm sure everyone knows, banks take into account both current income and how many more earning years you have before retirement when deciding if they'll give you a mortgage.
I don't feel particularly confident of my chances of finding another partner, as don't feel like I have a lot going for me. I know it's not completely impossible I may find someone more suited to me.
The potential impact on my child is my biggest reason for hesitating to break up, but the other fears could still be well-founded. It's so hard to work out what to do...
As someone who grew up with parents that didn’t fully love each other, please don’t feel pressured into keeping the relationship going. I’ve seen how breaking the relationship can affect a child negatively but I think staying together when it’s not right is just as bad. Both can be heartbreaking to a kid, but I’m sure your kid will eventually understand and wants to see you happy. I would say just be honest and open with your kid explaining the situation and checking up on them. It will be hard but it’s not impossible. Hope this helped
The money part is hard. I mean if it’s really affecting you staying in the relationship , I’m sure a solution will come by. Like maybe you could still share a home. Additionally, I think being single is way better than being in an unhappy relationship. Overall, it’s better for your growth and mental health.
@@Ladys_Garden Thanks so much caring and for taking the time to share your thoughts. I also grew up with parents that weren't getting on. The home environment was very stressful and as a child I wished they would split up. My relationship is not that bad, so I don't think there is much negative impact on our child (who is almost 7), though of course it would be ideal if she could see a more loving relationship modelled to her. If we split, I think there is a good chance she wouldn't see any couple relationship modelled to her. I agree that being single would be better than being in an unhappy relationship; it's just a case of working out whether my relationship is making me that unhappy. My mental health issues aren't as bad now as they were when I posted: then I'd had suicidal ideation every day for over a year. Thinking daily about whether to leave my partner went in tandem with that and both have subsided a lot. My relationship hasn't changed for the better, so that isn't the reason I don't think so much about leaving. I'm currently more focused on doing things to improve my mental health and maybe when I have got on top of more things that have been hanging over me, I'll either be clearer that I want to leave, or I'll feel more motivated to try to improve our relationship. I have no idea which it will be. Again, I really appreciate you taking the time to reply to my message Thanks, Sarah
Yes day 28 I found out truth of ex girlfriend cheating and reeling me back in for last visit july 9....she only did admit 3 wks after caught he stopped seeing her once found out she met me I guess he knew that night her phone conveniently off ..Had not seen her again since week or so b4 met me cant believe how narcissistic and cruel she was...without telling me been devastated, shocked...karma already hurting ex
I’m so sorry to hear this, I can’t imagine how devastating that would be. Sending you so much love and healing ❤️❤️
@@AshleyNord Its hard the tears the fantasy of who I thought she was....gotta grieve but I feel all I do is obsess ...that she could be so deceitful glad it's over but its killing me...I'll keep going no contact ignore her if she tries hard to distract myself...I am a songwriter but still so raw...I heard someone say as much as hurts to leave it hurts 10x more to stay so true. I am so codependent I had a rebound ex got jealous ....that rebound didnt last for me and didnt help me get over her lies....It is now my choice to not engage w someone w obv NPD...I KNO OTHER PPL HAVE SURVIVED WORSE!! THIS IS A BLESSING JUST SUX FIRST MONTH OR SO...KEEP GOING TY ASH.
31 yr i was crazy inlove with my husband kids grew up moved out sudenly my 31 yrs husband turned into this cruel abusive man i never knew i dint know this man past six years he he has healf resentments for me all those years waiting untill sons movex out and begsne his cruel actions towards me the hirrivle names he called me everything has put me state of shock help
You're very smart
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Do you know when it´s time to END this Simulation ?
Yesterday !
Are you feeling better?
Very slowly, yes! Thank you so much for asking ❤️ the waves of grief and heartbreak are still coming and going, but I’m doing my best to just allow the tide in and out ☺️🙏🏼
How are you feeling?
I’m slowly feeling a little better! It definitely comes and goes in waves, and I’m still really hurting. But I find I am getting breaks from the pain here and there ❤️🙏🏼
Haha yeah it does hey… you’re feeling better then you hear a song, drive past the same car as they have or see a show y’all used to watch together while you’re scrolling on Netflix… and you’re like okay maybe I’m not out of the woods yet 😂
I am a asshole too. Feels messed up
I hear you 😞 when you’re in the throws of guilt it can be really hard not to beat yourself up. But please have trust that you have likely made the right decision for both yourself and your ex partner 🙏🏼 I promise that clarity will come in time.
Ashley. Never seen or heard a more beautiful and organic soul.. Falling in love with you literally. Really Wana get to know you. I'm an Aquarius so we are very blunt and straight to the point. How can I get to know you 🤔😁
I can connect you to a powerful and harmless lady who can help you she helped me and I strongly believe she can help you with anything that troubles your heart ❤
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@@alvinbella6545 thanks lol. But didn't know I needed help. Just wanted to get to know this lady as she beautiful 🤔😉