A Divorce Lawyer’s Perspective On Love & Marriage - James Sexton
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- čas přidán 31. 05. 2024
- James Sexton is a New York-based divorce attorney and author, known for his expertise in family law and insights on marriage and divorce.
There are speakers, leaders, and coaches that offer guidance on living and maintaining happy relationships. However, it’s rare to find those who advocate for the opposite perspective. Why pursuing a divorce might be the smartest path for you and your significant other.
Expect to learn why so many marriages are failing today, if prenups actually work, wether men or women who struggle the most during and after the divorce, what the most common disagreements are during the divorce proceedings, wether marriage is a useful institution still, the best predictors of a declining relationship and much more…
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00:00 Why Are So Many Marriages Failing?
06:31 Most Common Reasons for Divorce
13:17 Should Couples Stay Together for the Kids?
21:44 Are Prenups Worth it?
32:13 How People Have a More Difficult Divorce Than Needed
39:35 James’s Most Outrageous Cases
47:21 Protecting a Positive View on Romance
50:55 Defending Someone You Morally Disagree With
56:37 The Problems in American Divorce Law
1:03:03 Dramatised Court Scenarios Vs Reality
1:08:49 James’s Issue with the Manosphere
1:13:17 Where to Find James
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Hello you savages. Get my free Reading List of 100 life-changing books here - chriswillx.com/books/ Here's the timestamps:
00:00 Why Are So Many Marriages Failing?
06:31 Most Common Reasons for Divorce
13:17 Should Couples Stay Together for the Kids?
21:44 Are Prenups Worth it?
32:13 How People Have a More Difficult Divorce Than Needed
39:35 James’s Most Outrageous Cases
47:21 Protecting a Positive View on Romance
50:55 Defending Someone You Morally Disagree With
56:37 The Problems in American Divorce Law
1:03:03 Dramatised Court Scenarios Vs Reality
1:08:49 James’s Issue with the Manosphere
1:13:17 Where to Find James
Chris, I have questions you need to ask him, for a follow up. How much can a man protect himself and his children by choosing not to marry, in a state that does not have common law marriage ? Are there any other legal agreements, outside of marriage, that can reward a woman who stays loyal and with the man, but that she does not get if she leaves ? Such as putting her on life insurance or something ? Can a man protect himself if a state changes to common law marriage, but his relationship was never under that law when it changed, and they were already living with each other. If the man pays for everything, like home, utilities, repair, can a man protect his assets from a live in girlfriend ?
No baseball cap. No stupid camera angles. No idiotic camera cuts every 3 seconds. No background music. No foul language. I like this channel.
I love this dude.
I remember now, his job is part attorney and part SOCIAL WORKER.
He not only has to understand the black and white of legal, he also has to have the EQ to understand human dynamics. Love this guy!
@@Michael-iw3ekI heard bad language quite early on.
As someone who has worked with abused children, I strongly disagree James advice that a non custodial (or custodial) should be waxing lyrical about mum's new boyfriend. The father should be keeping the lines of communication open with the child and led by the child. Children with mum's with boyfriends have high statistical dangers.
I have to say, Chris, it's a small thing, but I really appreciate how we get straight into the action with your podcast. No intros, jokes, interacting with the audience's stupid questions, or bits to ease the guest. Cut all that and go straight to the show. Love it.
Haha we DO speak before we start recording. The foreplay has already begun for a bit. But yeah I like getting straight into the action when it comes to the published ep, I think it respects everyone's listening time. This may change in future but currently it's my favourite approach. Glad you appreciate!
Listening to podcasts like DOAC, I always find myself skipping the first 2 and a half minutes. Being here and knowing that I can just let the video play reduces the friction that bit more. One of the many reasons why I enjoy this podcast over the rest. Keep up the great work Chris 👍
1000%
you should do a foreplay highlights at the end of the month@@ChrisWillx
NOT a small thing to some of us!😊
I consider James Sexton my marriage counselor, and I don't even have a girlfriend.
What about a wife?
maybe on the next life.
it rhymes because it's true.
@@P.T18
Same 💯
Beautiful!😂
I'll stick with James@@P.T18
He's literally said every single thing I've heard him say in every single interview before. But I still enjoyed it.
It’s good reinforcement.
Very interesting to listen to. Many of the things he talks about we’ve experienced.
listen to any person enough and you start seeing this is a thing they all do. You get more when you buy whatever they are selling
Diary of a CEO podcast with him was far more powerful, brought out lots of emotion
Had a mediator who since my ex and I had nearly the same income decided it would be a good idea for me to pay 51 percent of my daughters college education and my wife 49 percent. (Paying for the child’s college education was not required by law). The real kicker is that the mediator thought it would be a good idea that she be appointed to oversee the distributions of the funds. It was clear that the mediator was mostly interested in making money from the deal. At that point I contacted an attorney in order to end the mediation. My ex hired a lawyer. In the next mediation session the seating at the table told the story. My ex, her attorney and the mediator sat at one end of the table, me and my attorney at the other. The lawyer and the mediator had been colluding in order to get as much as they could from me. In the end the mediation blew up and we went to trial. What I learned is how much some people like to argue and drag out the proceedings. At $300 per hour it pays to argue. My point is be ware of mediators and attorneys who are in to the process not to find a solution but to fatten their own pocket books.
Facts. Be weary of anyone who knows the system is broken but advice you take a leap of faith because that's living and experiencing heartbreak is worth the risk.
N
I, too, had a very bad experience with mediation - the mediators (lawyers) colluded with each other, and I was left high and dry.
I’m divorce lawyer and that’s definitely fair, there are some hacks out there. The unfortunate reality though is a lot of clients do decide to stiff their lawyers and stiff the mediators, and we are running businesses, so we do need to take precautions against not getting paid. Another important point is that a client can fire their lawyer at any time, but a lawyer needs the judge’s approval in order to quit working for the client, so we don’t want to be stuck doing work for someone who isn’t going to pay us.
That's all of them
A mediator will not be efficient in a contentious split with a high conflict ex. It's an expensive lesson. Thankfully, there were no children.
If you need to call a doctor an attorney or a policeman then it's time to exit a relationship safely.
If James Sexton reads the comment section, please do an interview that focuses solely on senior citizen divorces. This is hardly talked about and your perspective would be very interesting.
Very well said…
And it’s such a BAD time in life to do that.
SAME issues they are just OLD and over the bullshyte😊
Yes that would be great ! Also that would most likely include a discussion on possible post nuptial agreement. What’s his perspective
7:18. Social media can lead people to believe that there's always someone out there, better than their spouse. It's tempting to think if the marriage isn't going well, you can get divorced and start over.
Sometimes there is someone better out there. Sometimes you can get divorced and start over.
@@johnkerr762Don't commit. All relationships are temporary.
The illusion of options!
@malekkushimuzik3580 pls dont hav kids .. they need 2 parents, together.
.
a relationship is a Choice.
sorry you were never taught how to choose intimacy..
@@johnkerr762
"starting over" only changes flavors..
choose wisely.
Part of the problem is unrealistic expectations and unwillingness to compromise.
James Sexton, "I wish you well, because when you love someone you wish them well even if it is to your detriment." I never knew a divorce lawyer could say one of the fundamental truths of having a good relationship.
With as much anger and hate that he deals with, to keep himself sane he has to know and understand what true joy is in other people. Alot of this is in relationships but also to protect kids in the divorce. If you love your kids you should do what is best for them even it it harms you, which means those kids get time with your ex because it is good for them, and at the same time you are loosing time with your kids, which is to your detriment. And you do it because you love your kids and want whats best for them.
Yeah, that certainly helps him make MORE MONEY in maintaining an unbiased perspective.
Impossible to wish well the person you chose to live your life with and have a family with who betrays and stabs you in the back.
ALLOW ME TO SAY: it’s OKAY to fucking hate that person for betraying you and destroying your children’s’ lives. It’s OKAY goddamnit.
Life isn’t always unicorns and rainbows. And that’s OKAY to admit.
I love everything Mr Sexton says. He is obviously very good at what he does and how he looks at every situation. He has an excellent take on humans and relationships. Probably the best I have ever heard. I stumbled upon him by accident but am so glad I did take the time to listen to his interviews. I forwarded them onto friends for them to listen. Even if they are not in relationships, everyone can take something very useful from his experience and his outlook.
@@neomacchio4692 if my wife committed an act of betrayal against me, there would be consequences. At that point I would cease loving her, and I would not "wish her well" because she is now "the Betrayer"
@@neomacchio4692it absolutely is fine to hate your ex if that's what you want to do. It isn't to force feed that view to your children. They make up their own damn minds. A good author sells a good story to make more money. So? It's still a good story.
I could listen to James Sexton for hours!! He still seems so positive even after seeing so many terrible things in divorce court. Glad you got to interview him.
I can imagine that having a Birds Eye view on peoples relationship issues has made him realise how over complicated we make life
@@supreme_zeeyus Good point!
I’m a divorce attorney myself and I love that James is able to speak facts both to me and people who aren’t in the business. Really rare to see someone who can bridge the gap between the professionals in the field and the people who aren’t experts.
what do you imagine he charges per hour? surely he does all these media interviews because it increases his value right?
Most couples don’t know how to communicate with each other. My husband and I went through a rough patch and went to a marriage therapist. This is what he said to us and helped us learn each other’s communication style. We are doing well now.😊
It’s very difficult to find a good therapist though. 🤔
That's relationships in general. On some ways you know best how to navigate and in others you've walked yourself in a corner cutting off valid moves. A good mediator will remove that trap. A bad one will add a new trap on top
@@sarahkercheval8964even should you find one it's probably too late. Especially if one of the partners doesn't want to or think they need to.
Did you cheat?
@@whatthearthur8660, No, he did.
“Remember that love is not permanently gifted. It is loaned”. 🔥
Wow
Beautiful words😮
Then it’s not love. It’s a Hallmark delusion.
On just a relationship standpoint--not exclusive to marriage, including close friends and family--disconnection happens the moment a person goes into DENIAL of their obvious behaviors.
The denial of behaviors, which also involves a disassociation of responsibility, immediately creates a huge rift. The elephant in the room has been born and one party refuses to acknowledge its existence. The longer that elephant exists, the bigger the rift (i.e. disconnect) becomes.
Denial is a strong and overwhelmingly common defense mechanism to protect against insecurity, as well as just the simple selfish desire to not have to change. I've had close friendships come to a stall because some either refused to just admit that they had harmful behaviors (just admit it), while others have openly admitted their harmful behaviors (e.g. selfishness) and openly said they didn't want to change them.
Becoming SELF AWARE is pivotal in building good relationships, because it permits you to truthfuly evaluate your own behaviors and their potential contribution to relational issues. At the same time, you become proficient in detecting denial in people, which helps immensely to avoid any potential pitfalls.
Actually you are missing what is going on with denial of actions. The disconnect between their words and actions is caused by lying. The horrifying reality to the victims of relationship exploiters (narcissists, sadists, prostitutes, etc.) is that they were never sincere. There is a saying "how a person does one thing is how they do everything". Huge exploitative lies aren't a one time thing. Those people never loved you, never told you the truth, it was all lies from before moment one. There really is no ultimate defense against chronic liars either. Just when you catch someone doing some unacceptable thing you break up rather than find ways of explaining away the lies by say calling it a defense mechanism and then you putting in work to keep a lying user in your life.
I feel that.
Kudos for that, an accurate description of women's thinking.
@Arielelian - YES you get it. None of the problems start with Actions. Cheating is a symptom, not the actual root cause issue (although it's easy for so many to claim it is ) when one partner emotionally withdraws completely (but is still there physically) and won't talk about it, it's hell.
Sexton is by far the best pill to the red pill movement that I've heard so far.
It’s better to hear info from an actual educated person versus some alpha bro😅
@@thesavvyhuman619beta bro speaks and that’s you.
Stop the cap.
This lawyer is an intellectual Alpha and he’ll break your arms and legs with his physical power and skill.
Respect All-
@@karamleviyou’re embarrassing
He just advertising marriage institution because he's living on it XD
56% divorce rate should end any discussions, for any rational person. You wouldn't get into the car that has over 50/50 chance of crash, would you?
He's not advertising for marriage at all but okay. Last podcast he was in he literally says, "The divorce rate is honestly probably around like 70% if you include people in marriages they're too afraid to leave @@randalldraco3822
Thank you so much Chris - this is gold-standard, solid, $1,000 an hour, legal advice completely free. As a divorce barrister of 34 years, I can tell you what James Sexton is saying here is also good advice for the Hong Kong and English family courts where I have practiced. 🙏
So we have it here then, we can take this as legal advice? 😅
Why does it cost so much?
@@eunice6694 No valuable service is cheap. This person has acquired years of education and experience, then on top of that is at the top of their field. They have limited case load and represent clients with hundreds of millions at stake. That kind of expertise costs, like any other rare commodity.
£1000/hr for advice. That's a racket.
I noticed your avatar. Are you an ancestor of the Qing dynasty?
I fully agree with Mr Sexton here. Prenup conversation can be loving and caring. Here is how I brought it for my own marriage. " While we are still capable of civil and nice conversations, let's sign a prenup because I hate the idea of any of us weaponising money against the other." My fiance gladly accepted.
Hope she doesn't plan on having children while you are furthering your career.
1 pin holes is small but 100 creates a huge hole. Same with love and trust. Many little things over time can put a hole in ur heart...
I saw another interview with him where he said the failure rate of marriage is so high that getting married now meets the legal definition of negligence. 😅
It depends on what socioeconomic group you're looking at. College-educated couples have a twenty-something percent divorce rate.
Ethnicity
Religious beliefs
Nationality/culture
Education
Age
“Moral Hazard” as it’s called in the insurance industry. Hence why you can’t get “marriage insurance”.
You mean the future rate of *divorce*, right?
I agreed with him all the way up to the end - when he characterized men who opt out of relationships in a negative light. I'm 55. As a younger man, I did the one-night-stand thing to death. I've had a few long-term relationships. I've been married and divorced. After my last relationship, I knew with 100% certainty that I was done. The simplest explanation is that while there are aspects of relationships that are great - the juice aint worth the squeeze. I've been voluntarily single for 14 years now. I don't date. No one-nighters. I have no inclination to couple at all. I live a life of peace and contentedness that I never experienced while I was in a relationship. When I was younger I drank and drugged. It was fun until it wasn't. I see relationships in the same light. I was fortunate to love some amazing women - but I don't need that anymore. If marriage and relationships work for people - great. Non-coupling for me is just a decision that works. An added advantage to non-coupling is that - when you remove the romantic/sexual subtext in your interactions with women - you can connect on a deeper level. There's no being distracted by the hope of 'getting a little something extra' out of the deal. Great interview. I've watched several with James Sexton. I love his insight.
I agree, for a pragmatic guy he seemed to drift into the fantastical with that last bit. By the way, I am in a similiar situation as you. Im 40 and coming to the realization that I will be single from here on out. I do get lonely attacks, then they go away. When does the loneliness stop? Im trying to learn how to mentally stay on top
Same, and I’m only 41. It’s nice to hear a man mention deeper connections without trying to get some game in. I have had absolutely lovely friendships with men that no outsider can ever imagine, simply because I treated them as an equal person and I don’t even know if a girl or woman DID that to them in their lives. Every time I hear someone claim men and women can’t be friends it’s like nails on a chalkboard and I only fill with contempt and pity. Sucks to be them!
Well said. Thank you. Being alone can be beautiful. And there is nothing wrong with being celibate.
Wow at least you lived a full life and have a lot of wisdom from that.
You gave up on sex and affection at 41? Jesus Christ
Chris did a great job of letting James speak. Good job Chris!
Agreed this episode solidifies why he is such a good interviewer.
I could listen to this man for hours. He's brilliant.
In the UK, prenuptial agreements:
• are not legally enforceable; and
• are, at best, an indicative note as to division of the assets.
James is speaking exclusively as a US lawyer and should have made that clear.
As an Australian lawyer, I agree. Laws are different in other countries.
It's enforceable if done right.
@@FAVanguardNo it’s not. I’m a lawyer. It might be followed, but only insofar as both parties state they still want to and insofar as it does not conflict with any other law, precedent or legal principle.
Same in Ireland
Can you not tell he’s an American lawyer from hearing his voice lmao
>"do you think our biology was designed to have that many mating choices out there?"
Bro I have exactly ZERO mating choices on my phone or otherwise
good point
Death in childbirth and incurable disease would have certainly curtailed most people. It was only those who could control a large hareem could mitigate these risks.
Different story for chics.
Meanawhile that cute girl whose photo you just liked just received 100 new dms in the past hour.
The internet; a place where your odds are good, but the goods are odd.
Proceed with caution.
20 min 15 sec: "You are supposed to love your kids more than you hate your ex"
I have a 13-year-old son not married to his mother anymore.This is straight biblical.
James is a terrific speaker and presenter. Loving his eloquent insight on this
I hope James starts a podcast. Listening to him has taught me a lot.
My wife has asked me the same question probably half a dozen times during a walk we take, which is “if we won the lottery, what would you want to spend the money on?”
If your partner is offended at the idea of you asking for a prenup, because you feel protective of your assets, then ask them this: “Before we get/got married, if you bought yourself a lottery ticket and won YOURself $10 million, which would give you full financial freedom - you certainly wouldn’t be dependent on me, and we proceeded with our engagement…Would you yourself ask for a prenup or would you split up those millions in the event of divorce?”
Whatever their response, you know full well the likelihood they answer will be uncomfortable.
Short answer: the $10 million is a non-marital asset won before the marriage.
Real answer: she's just become unmarriagable, since her ego skyrocketed while her value as a potential wife nosedived.
James is just one of those fascinating people you could listen to for hours and hours. I love how plainly he puts the trruth. Great podcast thanks!
Even after watching this great conversation, I am still unconvinced about getting married in my life.
Love can be unconditional, but relationships are not.
Personally, I think unconditional love doesnt exist in adult romantic relationships. I believe the only true unconditional love is from parent to child. Relationships require conditions such as mutual respect, trust, faithfulness, etc. Without those conditions, there is no relationship. Marriage is the same, it's a contract between two people that has conditions (vows). I think the more we have a realistic view of relationships and its purpsose vs a Disney view of them, the better one can make an informed decision of involvement.
Don't
Most likely it will end up in divorce.
If you'll had kids, she's taking them. She'll start monkey branching chasing Chads and your kids will see that.
Prenup or no preanup, you'll be financially and mentally devastated.
Don’t let the devil discourage you.
The eugenicists among us cheer when they read a comment like yours but it is not what God intended for us. Put your trust in him and seek out a traditional woman somewhere. Preferably one who does not watch TV or engage in social media but likes the outdoors/crafts/reading instead.
Small towns, maybe overseas, they’re out there, just much harder to find.
@@pikalee3492 I share your views on the matter. I have a son, and I've only felt the love I do for him between myself and my own father and mother(from me to them, and in return). I can imagine the same between God(The Creator, whatever that may be) and us all, his Creations, where he would prefer us to live/associate/operate in a manner that leads to the optimization of prosperity and the reduction towards suffering among all, but he still allows us to choose which path we all take for the sake of a complete existence, one by voluntary participation instead of forced subjugation. Which comes back to marriage as a choice, a covenant that two human beings must agree to enter, with as much understanding of how great the work/effort and sacrifice it will require, especially in this day and age. Only until the divorce laws are altered, and the State is removed from the involvement with the sacred institution of marriage will I even consider proposing to a woman to enter into my life. Plus, I want as many children as I can produce with her, so she must also be prepared to follow me along that journey as well, without being married.
@@JooT00b-bm1ms I am far from a Malthusian, and firmly believe in the notion that human prosperity is only ever achieved by more human beings, not less, but the social/legal environment for marriage we currently operate within is truly too risky and disincentivizes men from offering commitment and loyalty to any one woman. I have a son, I tried to have a family(gave 7 years if my life being a stay at home father/helped his mother get a great career, only to be cheated on/used as a babysitter for her 1st born and my own), but I chose the wrong woman, and have learned/gained a great deal of knowledge from the experience as a result. I am still on quest to rebuild my life and take it to greater heights on my own, so that one day when God shows me an opportunity to bed/wed a most worthy woman, I will be prepared to invite her into my life and have as many babies as we can physically pump out. But I still will not offer marriage until the social/legal environment is altered from how it is currently structured right now.
I'm thankful to see my parents stayed married. Still going on 46 years now. Through all the trouble and fights, their faith in each other and commitment to that marriage they said the vows to, they took serious. Their faith in God together kept them together through everything. That's a rare sight to see now.
all these boomer tales dont mean shit anymore. they grew up in a completely different world. your mom didnt have a smartphone, people travelled less, etc..
@@manager4409 It's always a choice, if one values their marriage, challenges can be worked through. Apart from You Tube, I'm not any kind of SM. Sa me with my husband, except for X, which isn't as problematic as FB or IG. We keep our social sphere small & don't go anywhere of note without each other.
Great interviewing, Chris! You let the guy talk. Alot of CZcams interviewers could learn a great deal by watching and listening 🎧 to Chris!😋😋
Huge fan of James, love every interview he's done. But I'll never understand where the insistence on shaming men who just want to be alone after many negative experiences comes from. Why is it so offensive to people that after a couple decades of touching hot stoves a guy finally says "I'm done" and walks away?
As usual, they take their money with them. That's why. It's as if the these men don't have hobbies and aren't enjoying a vibrant exciting life. It implies that you have to include women to have that kind of life.
Because he makes his living off of divorces.
I’ve heard him in interviews strongly advise marriage is a tough road, and to be weary, he doesn’t seem to advocate for everyone to be married. I think the date, fall in love, it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all is for the younger guys who are not even wanting or considering the possibility of ever even being in a relationship. I liked when he said I don’t want to die without having any scars. That’s a better way to say you don’t want have any regrets.
@@anneb889 There are better risks and options to take than getting married to an American chick. He didn't mention getting a girl from outside the country for instance. A young guy can take risks that will set him up financially for life. They never mention those super beneficial risks. Just the ONE that has lots of downsides for the guy.
@@wayofthekodiak3118 It’s one thing to point out gender differences, the legal system, or advise not to walk down the aisle….but it’s another to say don’t date at all, ever, especially to a younger person who has never experienced dating or a real relationship. Being financially successful is good….but I don’t think they have to be mutually exclusive. And most people do better financially later in a relationship/as you age. How long do you want them to wait? How financially successful is enough? When I met my husband he made 7$ an hour. I supported us when he decided to go back to school. Now he makes good money, but that’s been a long road, and several years. I would imagine if he tried to date now he would have to be a lot more careful of gold diggers than a chick who didn’t care about an 800$ car and 7$ an hour job and who has watched all the Columbo’s because for some reason he loves that annoying detective. Lol. It’s probably better to know someone before you’re too successful so you can really gauge who loves you, not just your money.
Simple. Marriage lasted because the family unit was a means of protection for survival.
They may have lasted, but they weren't good healthy relationships
@@wyleecoyotee4252 A relationship that lasts IS a healthy relationship. Remember: nobody loves you, honey.
@@user-og6hl6lv7p
Absolutely NOT.
If they were healthy as you claim, women wouldn't divorce
19:28 If mom was sneaking around with Tom before y'all split, it's going to be difficult to be upbeat about Tom. So, I think there are so many dynamics that play into that part.
Doesnt matter. Kids cant understand that, and it is more important that they learn how to be a good adult. Do you want them learning from you explaining (in a very vague and meaningless way) cheating ex being a hoe, or from you being the ideal father, given the situation?
@@morgan3688 look at your assumption that men are duty bound to put on a brave face and be kind to a guy & an ex-wife that wrecked their family. Bet you wouldn't say the same thing if the genders were reversed.
@@morgan3688ideally people would be able to just be totally cool right away, but in reality people are human and it may be difficult for some people at first. It will be an adjustment, but I agree it should be strived for.
You can hate her to your friends, but the kids have nothing to do with it, great fathers don’t equal great husbands and same goes for wives, she failed you, not the kids, you can hate her for a lifetime if it makes you happy, but to the children she isn’t a hoe, just no comment, I hate when people pit their kids against the other, if they’re truly a bad parent the kids will see it on their own, no need for you to play bad guy too
If you’re a good parent, you swallow your ego and put the kids first. Period. Same goes for men and women.
This dude kills it wherever he goes...very good stright insights
I would love to see a discussion between James and Jordan Peterson!
Great interview! Good lawyers are some of the most fascinating, articulate, brilliant people in the world. James Sexton is one of these people
marriages are failing because, marriages and relationships today is transactional. People come in to relationships with a empty cup hoping someone will fill whatever is missing in their lives, whether happiness or money. Its all about what can this person do for me.
I have News for you, buddy- they have always been transactional. Except that until a few decades ago women had no way of inforcing the partner to put in his due.
@@hadasabriciu3462 not to this degree. What you seen the delusional expectations for men? 6'3 500k a year and drive a pagagni
@@hadasabriciu3462
While this is true, a successful and happy relationship is based on is each person going all in on fulfilling the other person's needs and most of their wants, while having trust the other person wants and will do the same thing. There's no 50/50, as each person is only giving 50%. It should be 100/100, where both are giving 100%. If my wife is meeting all my needs and most of my wants it frees me up to not worry about me and focus on her to meet all her needs and moat of her wants. When done properly you end up having more needs and wants met than being selfish and, it feels way better when done by someone else.
Yes, it's almost impossible to have that work perfectly, the key is to have open communication, show gratitude when the other person is doing everything you need/want, being honest when they're slipping, and being mature enough to take the criticism and adjust. There will be times the wife can only give 60% because of the kids, dying family member work, etc. That's when you step up and try and give 140% or not w orty about yourself knowing she will step up when she's able to. Depending on each other makes you much, much closer.
I'm happily married for 15 years with two daughters. We had some very enough times when we focused on ourselves. Ever since we decided to do the above for the last 5 years, our marriage continues to get better in every aspect. I know it sounds cheesy, unrealistic, and would never work, but I know it works. It doesn't work perfectly, but it doesn't need to. It's the fact that we are both trying to, the effort, that is what makes it work. People think we are newlyweds because of how we are either each other. They don't understand how we're so close and happy after 15 years.
And it's not even transactional, cause if it was, men would actually be enjoying good marriages.
Pretty much yes. So many people expect their bf or gf to make them happy and whole .. that’s not the way happiness or fulfillment works - it must be attained by the individual .. no one else can give it to you
Nanny history; Robin Williams (married her), Arnold S. (caused divorce), Ethan Hawke (married her), Gavin Rossdale (Gwen Stefani divorced him), et al. STUPID to let another hen into the nest who CARES for your sires.
Remember that film The Hand that Rocks the Cradle? Intense nanny drama.
The moment I knew I wanted to really give my now husband a chance before we really got serious was when I asked him a direct question about something difficult and, even though he could have lied about it easily and I likely never would have known, he told me the truth knowing full well that it likely meant I would back out immediately. The fact that he told me the truth and I could see that he was actively making sure the behavior had changed was what made me take a risk with him. Years later I am so glad I did. It was uncomfortable for a bit, but his character really showed through (no, he didn't cheat on me) and that character is a great role model for our children.
most women aren't logical like that though, especially young women. you see why in the old days in arranged marriage, the parents would basically choose and vet potential mates for their daughter for this reason.
if i may ask plz, what was the question u asked him + answer? or at least the question
@@manager4409
That actually never happened. The father did everything to get rid of his daughters.
Sounds like an interesting short story 😊
I love James Sexton’s humor. I laughed out loud while listening to him in a quiet restaurant. He made my day. 😂😅🤣😇👏👏👏🔥🔥😎
Listening to this just makes me realise I wish I'd never got married and never had kids. The last bit of that discussion was ridiculous. I wish I'd never entered into any long term relationships.
Are you for real 😂 you're too funny
You know divorce is legal, right?
No desire to get divorced but loved listening to this, James has a lot of good advice.
Biggest take away, if it goes to court the only winners are the barristers 💸💸💸
Sexton's take on healthy co-parenting versus 'staying together for the kids' no matter what is a welcomed perspective. Divorce is bad, but a toxic marriage role models unhealthy relationships to the children, which has more severe consequences. Breaking generational bad habits is a good thing. Great guest & pod.
"healthy co-parenting" that involves new men & women coming into & out of children's home lives is DESTRUCTIVE & EVIL - it just devastates kids.
It depends on the adults involved, it can work. Co-parenting won't work with promiscuous adults who show that lifestyle to their kids but can work where adults keep adult relationships private and only expose children when the new relationship is mature @@chipsteve
@@chipsteveyou’re projecting.
Not everyone who gets divorced responds by replacing the spouse with a string of strangers, and they especially don’t if they have kids in the ecosystem.
The point the OP is making is that the relationship between both parents can be maintained and ultimately made healthier as platonic friends if the marriage is unsalvageable, instead of raising the children in a household of resentment and abuse.
@@Toastergod44 NO I am actually recounting personal experience of dating multiple single moms who were "co-parenting".
@@chipsteveSo you’re complaining about something you decided to be a part of and continue. You are the random men coming in and out 😂
The situation itself doesn’t do anything; immature and emotional parents do the damage. Dads that want to fight stepdads or mums that decide to be slags regardless of motherhood.
That’s not the situation inherently.
That’s stupid people doing stupid people things.
“I’m actually recounting my anecdotal experience and shouting it online as a fact” 🥸
25:46 - "...we could weaponize against each other at a level where one of us walks out of this marriage and the other one crawls." Damn, that is brutal but so very real. Straight talk.
James Sexton is awesome. He is an awesome mix of masculinity, confidence, passion and emotion. And I didn’t think there would be a part time lover by Stevie Wonder reference in this! Before there was the fwb or side piece, there was the part time lover! Lol
Thank you for getting to the content right away without fluffy intros, etc. I absolutely appreciate this!
1:08:00 I absolutely agree, why be ashamed that you want to improve your skills and understanding in relationships.
“I’ve seen every variety of human chaos and misery in 23 years of doing this. I’ve seen people just emilliate themselves.” Wild.
immolate
I love this dude.
I remember now, his job is part attorney and part SOCIAL WORKER.
He not only has to understand the black and white of legal, he also has to have the EQ to understand human dynamics. Love this guy!
So nice to not have to skip forward 5 minutes or any of that. I understand the live wait time but after for replays..
I just love hearing his perspectives.
Would love you to have Dr.Gabor Mate
What an eye opening discussion!! Thank you for this information!!!
Planning to fade out from this interview over to Audible to listen to you for 8 hours. Divorced, co-parenting for 11 years and blessed to pair bonding with a wonderful partner. It’s a tough road…but kids are healthy, happy, doing well. My ex is remarried, happy and we both now live in his hometown. We both grew up w nasty divorces. It’s an honor to be w my man because we breach the uncomfortable and usually, holding hands.
Thank you for bringing Mr. Saxton, Esq. on the show. You bring on cerebral talent that provides good food for thought. Ta from PA
This is the second time I have heard James Sexton interviewed. I like his positive outlook and zest for life.
Great interview - James Sexton is brilliant and refreshing.
Eminently wise and easy to listen to lawyer. So refreshing to hear such insight and his phrasing and sayings kept coming up roses. Great podcast.
The perfect guest for the show, Chris. Well played!
What an interesting listen!!!!! Thank you so much! I have changed after this clip ~ Saying it truly as it is... fabulous 👌
Work on yourself spiritually first, that way you're going at the relationship from an angle that doesn't place so much weight and demands on it. Using one's marriage to work through one's issues is why they fail... ...that's not the function of the thing. Don't know how it became like that...maybe the 'self-help' movement, the constant 'sharing' and 'working through' was supposed to 'evolve' us, but it just wore us out. Great movie quote " When a couple begins to fight, there are no winners, only degrees of loosing" " War Of The Roses"
Got Damn man!!!! This was freaking FIRE!!! What a great interview!!! So Happy I found your channel Chris!!❤❤
Hey Nathan,
I appreciate your enthusiasm, but is it really necessary to use the GD word???
🫤
Fantastic speaker. Thank you for this interview.
At 20 minutes in the advice he gives to manage divorce with kids is what is needed for good marriage. Mom always said “pay me now or more later” why not do the work on front end. But I’m going on 33 years married so I only have my perspective
Very important content! Excellent food for thought for millions of people around the world.
The simple answer is,the Devil hates Families.
James is amazing!!!! Well done Chris! 👏👏👏
This is the 5th interview I've heard of this guy, and they are all good.
This is OT, but it's so interesting to listen to the music of Sarah McLachlan - herself a leftist feminist in the 1990s - the lyrics are introspective & melancholic, looking at her own emotions & relationship choices/consequences.
Now listen to the music of Taylor Swift today - always the victim, frequently angry, full of ascribing blame, lacking accountability or true introspection.
A microcosm of societal deterioration.
Interesting observation
Never thought of that, but it's an excellent point!
I understand your point, but Taylor is the wrong example to use. That's only your (and many people's) perception of her, and if you actually listened to her music you'd know she has a very nuanced view of relationships (e.g. back to december, getaway car etc.) and is incredibly introspective.
Not right about Taylor, she has multiple songs about her own faults and actions, Back to December is the best example. It’s just the unfair general perception of her public has. Sure, she may be the kind who always puts themselves first, but it doesn’t mean they’re devoid of any nuance or as bad as they’re made out to be.
As if society wasn't broken before? So many women had to stay quiet and take abuse because society would shame them for being divorced. It was not okay. If you think society should function only out of the silence of women, then you're twisted. This is the first known time in human history where women are taking their own path and they're going to try to figure it out in one way or another. Damning them at the eve of this new era doesn't help. When and if you have daughters, you would want them to learn how to stand on their two feet and give them a bit of grace as they learn the way. We all have something to learn from our relationships and hopefully to do them better over time.
What a brilliant guest! I never married, but I was hooked from beginning to end 👏
James Sexton is such a candid, brilliant voice ❤️
Can listen to James Sexton all day and night. Legend.
Love listening to James to improve my marriage and avoid a future divorce. Thank you James for these golden nuggets!
"I love you enough, to tell you the truth" Wow, that should be in Bold Font Italics right there.
Chris, just know that James was highly entertaining here, even though he didn't let you speak. So, kudos to you for likely recognizing this and not trying to interrupt him.
One of the best of Chris with James.
"The hard thing to do and the right thing to do are almost always the same thing"
These were GREAT questions, Chris! Thank you both for this epic interview!
14:38 this is what happened with my sister and I as children. Parents got divorced at a young age g age but we didn’t really notice to be honest because we still did Christmas, thanksgiving, campfires in the yard as a family unit including our step parents. So all we did was basically expand our family. It was great!
Thank you! Very informative and helpful.
Had this conversation very often and yet my gf can never answer it. What is the purpose of marriage or how does it change an already committed relationship? From a simplistic view, we do things because there’s a purpose. So again, what is the purpose of marriage?
The purpose of marriage is to give the piece of mind to a woman that you are not going to leave her alone with a kid if/when the going gets tough. And you may think that she should already know this if she loves me, but the reality is that women live in constant fear of abandonment and will view the sign of you not being willing to marry as a sign of future intentions of abandonment.
@@milenasoloduhina1726 no piece of paper is going to change that. If you want to leave her, you will. Same thing goes for her. At most, you might want to leave her but the process would be so difficult and expensive that you choose to stay out of pure convenience, which in my opinion would be even worse.
@@daniel_brqlo yes, the piece of paper does not change your possibility to leave her. it changes what happens when you do - and that's what this is all about, isn't it? you can't sing a prenup on a civil partnership, you can't be sure you are not left with no help, carring for his children without that piece of paper.
@@hadasabriciu3462women are more likely to divorce
@@milenasoloduhina1726
People shouldn't be forced to stay in relationship when they don't feel like it.
This fear of abandonment you're talking about is just weakness and insecurity.
Women need to take responsibility for themselves.
It's not men's job to take care of you. You're not entitled to a man's resources and property.
You're a grown adult not a child.
Men don't want to get married because of these damned division of assets and alimony laws.
Thank you James for highlighting parents who groom their kids against the other parent, causing the kids to pick sides and love one parent more than the other. It's the biggest deception a child goes through, and later when they are an adult, is the biggest WOW factor of deception the adult version of that kid grows to realize.
It happens to a friend of mine. His ex is do bitter about not being able to make him beg and kneel, she poisoned the two kids daily; telling them dad didn’t want them and mistreated her (she was the one wanted to split). The kids were 7 and 1 when they split. It’s been 10 years of obstructed visits. Both kids don’t care about him no matter what he says or does.
@33Jenesis how do you know that's accurate information? Have you witnessed the ex speak I'll of your friend?
Very true. Later on the kids will have ‘absence father/mother’ which will make them having relationships issue in the future
This conversation is so inspiring 👍🏻💯‼️Thank You Chris🙏🏼🍀🙋🏻♂️
Straight Truths - lov it! 🖤 ❤
This episode is on a par with the one with Adam Lane Smith.
Great pick, @Chris!
Finally!!! You got him on your show. Thanks Chris.
I think you can learn A LOT from bad situations and decisions from others. He has the luxury of being exposed to that. And I think he’s very insightful.
You are awesome! Thanks for taking the time to create this.
Wow I never thought I could learn so much and like a high stakes divorce lawyer so much. Great interview Chris!
The social media part is what gets me most
Same here. My wife does real estate, and she thinks if another real estate agent starts following her and sends her a DM just to ask how she's doing, they're just being friendly. I had to reverse the roles by asking her if she'd mind if I sent a DM to a girl I don't know, but works in my field, if she'd be ok with it. Noooow she gets it
Another great episode. I love how down to earth James is.
FIRST. TIME I'VE HEARD. JAMES. SPEAK. INTERESTING 👩⚖️
Interesting perspective, for sure. Now how to access the other side? The percent of marriages that don't end in divorce? You certainly learn about a thing by examining mistakes- but you cannot truly know how it succeeds/what its advantages and goods are unless you examine successful ones. Personally married once, to one man, since 1983. 7 children. 5 grandchildren. Having someone who has shared all of life's good parts and bad, having children who you both brought into the world and raised and watching yourself in their faces and personalities and simultaneously seeing his personality and family traits in them...looking at your 75 year old mate and remembering when his hair was almost pure black and his shoulders broader and understanding eachother and having a lifetime of shared experiences and little jokes that you both get but no one else does...someone you've given your best to...but also given them grief through your own shortcomings and failings...and they've done the same. An unparalleled opportunity to learn that love is not an emotion, but a choice that you make every day. The emotion can sometimes come and go, but the abiding depth of love is really only learned through much time and many years...bring on someone who has made a lifetime of studying long term marriages.
I've been married since 1979. I wonder if anyone has ever compiled stories of long term successful marriages?
"Love is not an emotion, but a choice that you make every day". Wow, what a total misunderstanding of love. You can't forcefully will love to exist with just any person you are with. Life partner type of love has to be based on self love that requires loving treatment from someone else. It then requires that self loving person to see the real person before them (not who they hope they were), actually like that person and then the final part is out of our control which is the other person has to see the real us and like us back. Most relationships are based on lies and exploitation and it takes time to find that out. Hanging in there and creating love out of sheer force of will is terrible advice. Not being happy with your life but staying together until someone dies isn't success. Lust comes and goes, sometimes good things require a lot of work, but feeling love doesn't come and go nor can only one person make it happen.
@@danthesquirrel love is a choice. An action. To will the good of the other. There are times your emotional connection will be very strong, and times it will be a tenuous thread...I have been working on and living through loving one man for over 40 years. No cheating, no affairs. I do agree it requires seeing the person in front of you, not your image of who you want them to be. I would add that it takes humility and self knowledge of one's own shortcomings. I think I have a little knowledge...😉
@@danthesquirrel love is not an emotion. It is action. It is located in willing the good of the beloved. When that is the tether that holds, the emotional connection comes, too. But even in those times when the emotion isn't satisfying or is negative, the commitment holds. The commitment is what brings you to work to make it better. What do I need to do? What do I need to understand? Change? Let go of? Hold onto? A marriage becomes something bigger than oneself. It grows and it also grows you. It is a great tree under which your children return to find their footing again. It gives them hope that they too can succeed in finding someone to share their lives with. It is a place where they belong- to both of you...
After 40 years with one man, no affairs. 7 children. I suspect I know something about love. Just a little bit.
@@danthesquirrelyou are correct that you cannot force love however it is a choice to engage in the activities that would evoke it. That's why I don't agree with passive language like "falling in love" or "it just happened." No it doesn't. We choose to be around one another, share emotional intimacy, give gifts and shower each other in physical touch and words of affirmation. That will inevitably spark feelings of love for most.
The sheer amount of irony in mocking men who dont want anything to do with women after he literally just finished talking about how unequal the legal system is to men is astounding...
Because the legal system has inequality the logical conclusion is to run away from women your whole life? You literally couldn't have missed the point harder.
@@daaki0No, the point is to avoid putting government's greedy hands into your relationship. Divorce lawyers are already rich enough.
It’s a modern phenomenon, but generally it isn’t unfair. Men have to fight for theirs like women did for ours. Things don’t come easily to any gender anymore. At one point children (and wives) where the property of their father (and husband).
It was a correction - some argue an over correction, but a correction nonetheless.
I like this lawyer. Man, I needed him in the year 1999 to give me a talking to. Still very good to listen to his wise advice. I am looking in from overseas on an 🏝 of my choosing. Have a good weekend over there.
This attorney is a very wise man. He realistically defines ' benign entry points' partly as those texts from ' just friends ' of the opposite sex. Thank you for confirming that these 'benign' connections hold the high potential of being the relationship killers. Something i personally always sensed too. And lastly, he made these conclusions from years of observing failed marriages.Thank you sir! This is an excellent and important video for anyone considering or in a marriage.
Go into marriage with realistic expectations! ... which is 5% bliss!
Lol....😂😂😂
@@tread1331 It works out: 50% chance of divorce; 45% tolerance. Add up each day the niggles, the subconscious give-ways just to keep the piece.
James is such a great interview!
This guy is brilliant! Going through divorce currently and this helped me so much.
This dude has wisdom. Could listen to him all day
2:45 One thing I noticed is that younger women now aren't so willing to start their life at the starting line with their SO (like my parents or grandparents did). In my experiences, getting married for the GF was just something a wish list like getting a BMW convertible that one day would be disposable. Women now don't want to marry for love but for what the husband can provide FOR them and w/o the building of a life towards that.
In the past prior to feminism women didn't marry for love either.the woman was essentially transferred from her father to her husband to support her. She married whoever asked her as she needed a provider.
@@wyleecoyotee4252 and it was the best way to
Go about marriage.