Why your loved one doesn't believe they have dementia- It's NOT denial.
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- Äas pĆidĂĄn 10. 06. 2017
- Welcome to the place where I share dementia tips, strategies, and information for family members caring for a loved one with any type of dementia (such as Alzheimer's disease, Lewy Body dementia, vascular dementia, frontotemporal dementia, etc.)
Today's video answers the question about whether or not your loved one can understand and accept they have dementia or whether they are just in denial. I think it will be helpful for you in understanding why your loved one becomes so upset when you try to give help and let's you know what to STOP doing to avoid ongoing frustration in your loved one. I hope you find it helpful.
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In case you havenât met me, my name is Natali Edmonds and I am a board certified geropsychologist. That means that I am a clinical psychologist who specializes in working with older adults. One day, while hiking a trail, I came up with the idea for Careblazers and I decided to see if posting videos online could provide help to the many other Careblazers in the world who donât get to have help come directly to them in their homes. I hope that this work helps you in some way on your caregiving journey.
#careblazer #dementia #dementiacaregiver
What is your biggest struggle with caring for someone with dementia?
biggest struggle is when my husband gets so angry because he has a feeling I am the one that is creating his hurt of having dementia and he wants to go to the bank and change things. This really scares me!
I'm so sorry to hear about your husband, Yes, that can be very scary! I will do a video with tips that have been helpful to other Careblazers with safeguarding bank accounts. In the meantime, as much as possible, don't remind your loved one they have dementia and do not use dementia as the reason your loved one can't do certain things. This may make him more angry and resentful. Try to think of other simple, easy ways to answer the question or redirect him. I know this is much easier said then done. Hang in there and I will let you know when I post my video on how to handle the bank account situation.
Its his way of telling me, no one is going to tell me what to do. When he gets angry he wants to live on his own. I can understand him and what you are saying the worst I can do is mentioning him having dementia. I learned from that. That really pisses him off. I have had a very difficult time with him moving from Spain to Holland. I didnt know he had dementia then. I had a suspicion. There was no planning, so I had to arrange the whole move. and afterwards he was angry because so many things were not there and he accused my sister and brother in law (who live in Spain)of having his stuff in there house.(what he thinks is there, but isnt). I have learned a lot the last months, we have gone to neurologist and learned he has dementia , she thinks Alzheimer. Beginning of October we will hear what the geriater will say . I think also what is a good thing to do a video about is the suspicion of the patient towards family when things get lost. I have learned a lot not to get into a fight. When my husband says why did you put this in the kitchen. (Normaly I would have said, I didnt put it there , you put it there) Now I say: Stupid of me putting it in the kitchen. Sorry. Yesterday we went for a snack . In the snackbar my husband saw the daily paper and brought it with him to the table and he started reading. Ok I thought , he is happy reading the paper and at that moment I hear my whatsapp ringing. I answered my whatsapp and my husband started reacting to me using the mobile. I smiled at him. Didnt say anything. But the situation was funny. Him readying the paper and I shouldnt use the mobile. Half a year earlier we would have had an argument, now I know its Alzheimer.
It sounds like you have learned a lot about dementia! You are doing a great job with this difficult disease. It's amazing how this disease can change our loved ones so much. Have you seen my video on how to deal with delusions in dementia? This may help you with how to deal with your loved one's suspicion. I can certainly do a more updated version of that video based on your comments.
The hardest part for me is when my grandma accuses me of things i didnt do, like stealing. It's getting worse and worse to ths point I want to give up! I'm trying to help her and she can't see that I'm trying to help, she feels like I'm only here to steal and drive her crazy. Those are her words.
My husband is in stage 6 Vascular Dementia so I've been lying to him a long time. I just want him to be happy and safe and he is. I make everything a "celebration" like you would do a 3 year old child. Every meal is pretty and healthy. We eat on the porch so he can watch the wildlife. We are in a specific routine now and that works really well for him. I think watching the old shows in the afternoon like Bonanza, Gunsmoke, MASH, Golden Girls, Andy Griffith; etc have done wonders for his spirit and keeping him awake so he'll sleep better at night. This is when I do my cooking and sometimes I'll do a puzzle next to him. We'll have a sugar-free treat during all of this that he looks forward to. I try to make things fun as you would a child. He's been delusional for quite a while; he sees all sorts of things in his bed .... dogs, rats, raccoons; etc. They don't scare him, but he worries if the dogs lose weight. I tell him they are all there because they like him and it would be fun to write a book about them, since some of them are so cute. I told him I saw a man walking the dog he was worried about and it looked great, so now he isn't worried about it. This is a whole lot easier than dealing with his father seeing "half children" perched on the hood of the car and in front of him at breakfast. He had Parkinson's and Lewy body and I was with him when he had his worst one. I was sitting on the couch and he got an odd look on his face and I asked him what he was seeing. There was a little girl who had been burned sitting next to me. It was a tapestry pillow and he thought that the strong pattern were burns. I asked him if she scared him and he said he just hoped that she got better. I told him that since I was a nurse, I would make sure that she did and he smiled. I tuck my husband in at night with a big hug; it has helped to have all white bed linen on the bed since the patterns transmute into "critters". This is a miserable, brutal disease; God be with you all.
I could never be happy lying. Make sure you aren't lying to yourself about that. Better they hurt for hearing the truth than you hurt for telling lies. It doesn't make much difference to them for long anyway, but it will for you. Changing the topic or doing something else is so much better than joining the demented in crazy land. Nobody should have to get used to lying - it is ultimately horrible for one's mental health.
Thank you for sharing, know someone w Dementia
Thank you...Bless You.
Thank you for the pointers. I hadn't thought about the sheets, and mom does 'see' bugs. She also loves to listen to the music channels from our cable company. She has said, I want the one without words. Instrumental/easy listening it is!
Everyone is different, but I wouldn't say it's lying. If someone is delusional, you're helping them with their delusions and making them emotionally feel better. If you understand what you are doing and why you are doing it for some one who has no rationality or reasining ability, for someone whose brain is dying, you are being perfectly rational to an irrational mind and you are bringing emotional comfort and stability.
I have a contrasting story, in that my wife identified her own cognitive decline at an early stage when symptoms first rose above what could be discounted as having an ordinary cognitive "bad hair day."
It's alarming to find oneself suddenly lost, unable to remember the immediate past, or unable to complete a thought.
But we have had enough advanced warning to change our orientation. And for various reasons we've developed enough maturity, personal autonomy, and relational trust to explore this new trajectory with curiosity and compassion.
These are early days, when everything seems pretty much unchanged, so we have the luxury of moving slowly and gently, creating space for whatever comes up. If we practice this mindful presence with reality as it is, our thought is that the adaptations will come more naturally and more resourcefully to us.
The courage to be with life as it is is no small thing, but every one of us has a chance to cultivate this courage from an early age. I'm happy that we both started young. We both also thought (somewhat vaguely) that we'd have more time than it now seems we might. But who knows? We certainly don't, never did in fact.
So in that sense there's no fundamental change at all. Every moment is a chance to be mindful with whatever mind we can bring to the practice.
That's true, they generally lack self-awareness. On my first day working at an Alzheimer's Treatment Center, I recall one lady said to me, "I didn't realize I was so far gone." The comment came out of the blue. Sometimes, they do have moments of clarity and they realize they have a problem. Usually, they don't ever realize they have a problem.
I just dealt with a neighbour couple and something is very, very wrong with both of them, and I think an "evaluation" is well in order. Unfortunately, many groups in the process are not oriented that way (police, ss, by-law) until something really bad occurs.
@@user-zp7jp1vk2i That's really sad. I sure hope they have family that will step in to help them.
The truest statement Iâve heard about these diseases is itâs much harder on the family than it is on the patient. Iâve never heard truer words. I will gladly suffer with the worry and grief knowing that my mom feels happy and healthy. They say a good parent would jump in front of a bus to save their kids. Well the same thing goes for my parents. I will happily take all the pain and suffering for them so they donât have to live with it in their golden years.
I doubt it's harder on the family than the patient, it seems extremely horrifying for everyone involved.
@@Call-me-Al I agree, Al. There are times when it's less horrific for the patient and they are relatively contented... but there comes a time when this disease *torments* them. It's just awful.
I completely disagree. My sister with dementia has been in utter anguish for about six months now. Sheâs in the latter stages and to this day, through all the confusion, is still aware that her brain is rotting. Along with that she is angry, paranoid, depressed, and hallucinating. Utter, unrelenting anguish.
Every time I start feeling overwhelmed or frustrated with my father, I just come here to watch a few of your videos. My feet hit the earth and I can go back to dealing with it all. â€
Sending you love.
Me too
â@@DementiaCareblazers- Thank you so much for this. Can you do a video explaining that the dementia patient that has the lack of awareness can even admit that they have dementia, but that doesn't mean that they actually understand it.
My husband constantly says that he used to be sick, but he's much better now and there's nothing wrong with him. Now I understand why. It helps to know he has no awareness of how he is. Thank you so much for this.
You are welcome! I'm glad you found the video helpful. Best of luck to you and your husband!
I wish I'd known this in 2016. I was arguing with my father a lot. I had a newborn and I was trying to convince Dad to live with me. He was adamant that he be allowed to live in his own home across the country from any relative. I remember endless circular arguments that ended forever with this exchange in my car: "Dad, what will you do when you can't drive anymore???" He replied, "I can drive just fine! Why wouldn't I be able to drive?!" I said, "Because you have Alzheimer's Disease!" He said, "What does that have to do with anything?!" Then, I started to tell him what happens in Alzheimer's Disease and he jumped out of the car. Thank god we were parked... but it finally hit me that he *can't* process that he has this disease and what it means for him in the future. It's like he couldn't think about the future at all. Yes, it made everything so difficult that he wouldn't cooperate with my plans. But, in that moment, I finally understood. Though it took me a lot longer to stop being angry about it.
My husband has frontal temporal dementia. I was floored when he told me last week he didn't have any problems. Your video has helped me understand why he thinks this way. Thank you. None of this is easy.
Oh my word, this IS my mom. This explains the anger, rudeness, constant push back against my assistance. Thank you for clearing the fog of MY understanding.
Im litterly going through this right now . Its stressful and difficult knowing you watch over a loved ones daily needs and they hear voices that I know arenât there. Ive spent money on voice and EVP equipment to prove to my mother the voices arenât real. Ive sat with her for hours and she can only hear the voices, I try and keep her active and eating correctly and watching news and reading magazines and maybe 2 days out of a week it subsides. Now she is claiming our family is saying things theyâre not and she is giving thin air the finger in each room of the house even threatened to kick my stepson down the stairs . Im at my end and no a match for this disease. .... Somebody else is going through what my family is I know, so if its you I wish you and me well.
Voices indicate schizophrenia confabulation
It's such a difficult struggle being the carer đ
My dad just knows that he is old and tired. I leave it at that. I reassure him that I love him. â€ïž
Yes is happening to my mom, she repeats herself and hasn't realized she got to stay in the home. I really never thought something like this would happen to her
My wife, in the beginning, when we noticed she can't remember the children's names, she refused to go to a neurogist, I'm not grazy she said. You hurt my feelings. I decided to respect her will. I decided that since there is no cure anyway, as long as she lives a happy life. Now. It is months later. She is very ill and I don't think she will understand that she is ill. It is traumatic to hear you have a terminal illness. I didn't want to force this upon her.
This is one of the hardest parts of this horrible disease because they donât know what they donât know
My mother already had a fairly limited self-awareness due to autism. This is now kind of amplifying the early stages of denial in dementia. I'm never sure how to handle things, but I flit from frustration to empathy. The latter, obviously, feels much better and is probably more effective, but I repeatedly default into frustration mode, much to my shame.
But normal, surely!
My Mother is in the hospital from a Urinary Tract Infection.
They've said that her Dementia is rapidly advancing. From here she will go into a Nursing Home under Hospice care. I believe the doctor had said about a month is left for her.
This is life, it's okay. My Mother used to say, Either you deal with life, or it will deal with you. She wouldn't have wanted it long and "drawn out" anyway, it's a blessing of sorts.
I thanked you before...but have to again....thank you for the information. I thought I was losing my mind in dealing with our Mom and her dementia. A friend tipped me off on your videos...and they are a huge help in understanding what is happening with our Mom. đđŒ
Thank you very much for all this information for me my mom having dementia is frustrating to say the least but listening to you on the TV helps me understand what is going on somedays it felt like a living hell for me but she's okay thank you for helping me understand
My biggest struggle? Sheâs a bully. So, her personality is like that. I basically ignore it, but when things come up. It seems sheâs fine (nice) for about three weeks. Then she starts getting bitchy. She actually accused me (we were talking about her bills, which I should (need) to take care of) I give them to her, that when I told her yes, mom. Youâre getting your bills, everything is fine, we TALKED about them) that I was gaslighting her. âYouâre putting this all on that Iâm senile, that doesnât hold waterâ have taken care of her for 10 years, on my dime. I tell her sheâs warm and safe and dry. I said to her mom. Iâm taking care of you. Imagine people who donât? Her response? Thatâs how I feel. Man. I think I know she canât help it, but sometimes I donât know, sheâs always been such a self centered person. I have no access to her bank accounts, never asked. I can actually FEEL my blood pressure rise when she gets into these moods. Iâve done everything I can do to make her safe, and comfortable. We were never even close, nor particularly liked each other. But itâs the right thing to do. I wish I was as selfish as her.
They have zero concept of the degree to which they're imposing on caregivers. It's all about boundaries. It's okay to shut the door. Take care of YOU. We need to see it as a job, as managing them, versus building or continuing a relationship with them. You are doing SO MUCH MORE than most family members out there facing this. Don't feel like she gets to have everything her way. Install more doors if you have to get some alone time. Blast some soothing music. Heck, build yourself a tree house. Do what you have to. You matter. Remember, you're in charge whether she knows it or not. Blessings.
It seemed to me with my mother that there was a tipping point in the progression. In the earliest stages she knew something was wrong. She's the one who first saw it and wanted to go to the doctor. There came a point when she was very, very upset and angry as the dementia progressed because she knew she was losing function. She saw it happening. She knew what the things were that she wasn't able to do anymore and could name them. But then with more progression of the dementia that awareness slipped away. She stopped being upset and drifted off into the fog.
The "fog" seems to be a blessing in a way. They are no longer tormented by the thought of having something wrong with them. But for the caregiver, there is no such relief.
I am at this point with my dad. Just 3 weeks ago, he knew he can't remember any new information coming in to his brain. Now he thinks he is fine, can drive and can live alone. I'm the bad guy for telling him it isn't safe for him to do those things.
I can relate to this with my husband.. I like reading some of this info it makes me feel like I'm not losing my sanity
I love the compassion shown here, it's obvious you care deeply about Dementia care.
One example where people DO know they have dementia is with sudden onset, very advanced dementia, such as a massive stroke where the person goes from being 100% cognitively normal on a Tuesday to stage 5 or 6 dementia by Wednesday. Normal cognition is so recent to them, that the difference between it and dementia is very easily felt. Two days after my mom's massive stroke she lost most of her rational thought capacity. I saw this as an opportunity to learn some science about dementia, so I quickly asked her, "Do you feel differently now than you felt very recently?" She said, "Yes, I feel like something very important about me is gone. I don't know what 'that thing I've lost is,' but it was very important, and without it I don't want to live anymore." This was one of the saddest moments of my life. But as time passed, she began to forget about "that thing that was very important." After 3 or 4 months she was used to her new normal. Dementia. She no longer knew anything was different. She wanted to live again. She felt that dementia is now just how life is. She had no more recollection of cognition before dementia. In other words, with sudden onset dementia, there's a 3 to 4 month window of time, where the patient is completely aware of their change, and they are completely able to answer any questions about it. This is an important window of time to learn important research into dementia.
My Father just had his 2nd stroke and we were made aware of vascular dementia. He has receptive/expressive speech aphasia. So he canât tell us what heâs missing. We have to guess at what he is trying to express.
@@kerrissedai6857 Hi Kerris, I feel sad about your father. I think because his dementia is vascular, that it had been building up little by little over a lengthy period of time, so he never felt a sudden drastic change, like "What the heck just happened to me!" And his 2 stokes just happened to be the very large noticeable ones, but most of the damage had already and is continuing to happen by the many microvascular events occurring on an ongoing basis. Do you know if he has Atrial Fibrilation (of the heart)? If yes, I hope he's on Eliquis, as that will stop Atrial Fribrilation, which causes larger strokes, from causing more larger strokes which could target brain areas that would impair movement putting him in an even worse predicament.
I'm very sorry that the three of you above are dealing with this horrible situation. I lost my mother in 2009 to dementia and it was a horrible experience. But I'm sorry to tell you that I think you're using the word dementia incorrectly. Yes it's true that post-stroke a person will have cognitive problems depending on where in the brain the stroke occurred. But you cannot call this dementia because it is not dementia it just has similar symptoms to dementia. Dementia in general is defined on a neural level and not by having had a stroke. The two things are very different despite their similar appearances. So please learn more about dementia and please understand that Alzheimer's and Vascular are different forms of the same thing which is dementia.
@@jamesarnette1394 James, thanks for your response. I'll have to think about what you said before agreeing or disagreeing. I should've added in my first post (but we could write novels on this and I didn't want to use up the entire memory storage of the internet, LOL), but strangely, just a few days BEFORE my mom's massive stroke, something bizarre occurred. She was still 100% "normal" in her memory, cognition and awareness of reality... at least as far as she or anyone could notice... but about one week before her massive stroke she called me into her bedroom one late night and asked me if I could see the "children" in her room, and the "small adult woman sitting next to me," and the "several dogs." We had only one real dog, no children, and no "miniature adult woman." Even stranger, she wasn't alarmed, nor did she think it strange at all. I immediately googled everything I could about this, and found many legit medical sources that say the 3 first hallucinations of Dementia with Lewy Bodies, is most often, not always, but most often children, animals and adults of miniature size (not short adults or "little people" - as I hate to say the word midget), but adults of smaller scale but who appear with normal proportions of adults, only at a smaller size. This gave me reason to believe she was developing LBD. As I spent the next week contacting doctors who specialize in LBD, my mom still retained all normal cognitive abilities to remember everything (short term and long term), have deeply intelligent conversations, perform any complex task - except she kept seeing hallucinations - and the most bizarre part, she didn't think it was weird that there were children, when there were none, but who were clearly visible everywhere to her in our home . She DID NOT find that strange! ??? Then a few days later, the massive stroke happened, and she declined rapidly toward the latest stages of dementia, now forgetting everything and no concept of reality as we know it. The doctors around us, were not all that bright, as hardly any doctors are, and insisted she had vascular dementia - an assumption of course, but because of her stroke. Now I could write for you the entire novel of the following three years, but it's so complex, I'll just summarize that it's now 4.5 years after the stroke and first hallucinations, and she has actually improved in some ways, such as her executive functions have improved, her ability for conversation has improved, and her hallucinations have diminished 90%. But she has worsened in her delusions. Everyone we've ever known is alive again. And though she's 95 and no longer working, she thinks she must get to her former real job as a school teacher. I am 59, but she doesn't think, she KNOWS I'm 14, thus constantly asks why I'm ditching school, not doing my homework. And she doesn't see the absurdity that I look 59, I have a graying beard and graying hair - yet I'm 14. ??? She's now lost her ability to walk and use parts of her body as in Parkinson's disease, as LBD is a sort of "reverse" version of Parkinson's where hallucinations and delusions come first, followed in the end by movement problems. I have her on Rivastignmine (one of the early cholinesterase inhibitor meds to slow Alzheimer's progression) but is now found to banish hallucinations in LBD, which did happen luckily for my mom. I got the idea to use this med on her through the Lewy Body Dementia Center of the UK in London, and confirmed by the LBD center at Stanford University. The only two places I've found who understand this drug's amazing help to LBD patients. Had Robin Williams' doctors had slightly higher IQs, Robin Williams may not have had to kill himself from his terrifying hallucinations, but instead would have lived a more peaceful experience in dementia. After 4.5 years of studying everything I could find in this universe on dementia, I now "teach" normal doctors the nature of each dementia, which they hate hearing from me because I am not a doctor. Hey, I'm not the one stupid enough to kill Robin Williams. After overturning every stone on earth in my obsession to understand dementia, I've come to many conclusions - one of them being that DEMENTIA, in its most concise definition, is "brain damage." - caused in any way... by stroke, car accident, sporting head injury, plaques, Lewy bodies, multiple vascular infarcts, etc. You may not agree, but we're just debating semantics. You don't have to call brain damage which impairs cognition "dementia." But do you know so much about every single detail of dementia to say that I cannot say that dementia is "brain damage" - and does not have to be under the silos of Alzheimer's, LBD, Vascular, Frontotemporal, Jacob dementia, and the few others we know of? Each of those dementia's vary in symptoms, but what is their one common thread? The brain has been damaged. Perhaps it's YOU who should learn more about dementia.
Well it took you a long time, but you finally got to the insulting part at the end. So thanks a lot. If you want to know my credentials, or even if you don't, I have a PhD in Clinical Psychology with one of my specializations being geropsychology and also neuropsychology. I have worked with demented patients and in my own family my mother died of the disease along with four of her sisters. So when you condescendingly tell me that I should go learn more about it, I think I already know plenty about it because I am in the early part of it myself and I am fully aware of it. So do you have any comments on that, or do you just want to slink off into nowhere land?
YES!!! THIS WAS TREMENDOUSLY HELPFUL!! THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR EXPLAINING THIS. THIS has BEEN ONE OF THE MOST FRUSTRATING EXPERIENCES OF MY LIFE! not only do they not recognize and admit this, they deny they have a problem and insist they are right about everything and that it is me who has the problem! I am the ex wife and caregiver and must juggle hundreds of things at the same time. Dealing with this situation now has made my life a complete Horror Show. Thank you again for making this video.
Yes this is exactly what my husband is doing he denies he has a problem and tells me I am the one who has a problem. I know the situation is just going to get worse as time goes by & I am afraid for him and me. Just have to keep on praying and put this in God's hands.
Same with me. Exactly. My mom hits me with her cane. Donât know if I can take much more of this. I feel so bad for her. I know she canât help it.
I am going through the same. He seems oblivious to the fact that his decisions are going to kill him before the disease does. This video explains what's going on. It's hard to care for someone who is so damn mean. I will need to make some hard decisions regarding his care. It is a relief to know he just has no capacity to "get it".
I have never been so physically and mentally exhausted in my life. Iâve been taking care of my mom for 5 years and she doesnât think thereâs anything wrong with her either
@@debby891Itâs best to just play along with her, instead of arguing & getting frustrated. They donât know but you know & they will never understand so if they tell you they are a captain in the navy, just say âoh really? So tell me all about itâ!đ
Is it wrong to have our loved ones with dementia watch your videos? I am so grateful to have found you. You do so well in explaining things. I feel so useless in my aunt's situation. I want to help her and be there for her, but she feels I am against her and not willing to fight the doctors, the dmv, the lawyers, etc.
My mom is in the early phases of dementia. She is super angry that my sister and I raised concerns at her doctor's appointment. My mom did not do great with her testing, but is so angry about it. She lives independently but has been making some horrible decisions, especially financially, spending on anything she can buy on Amazon, Ebay, etc. Her doctor told her that she should allow us kids to help/review financials with her and she's not having any of that! This is horribly sad and difficult watching my mom go through this and trying to help her. And it's only going to get worse. Grateful I found your channel!
No my mom didnât know she lived with me for 18 years. She passed away in a nursing home for 2 months. Enjoy every day with your love one.
Thank you, mom has never understood or admitted she has dementia which has been going on 15 yrs now. I thought early on that she was in denial but that never really made sense. Nice to know. It really is a challenge.
It really is a challenge. Hang in there! I'm glad the video helped.
15 years...
Same with my mom, a challenge for sure
Yip, not denial definately absolutely no awareness. As a care partner in a Adult Foster Care Home in Oregon I found it best to help the unaware to find a purpose for being on this planet. Lying oh yea keeping the lies positive helps with everyones attitude. Best advice I can give, have multiple relief care partners.
Thank you for explaining. I have been going thur a big struggle with my dad for several months. My dad went as far as not wanting me to he in his life after he was diagnosed with dementia. Of course he says he does not have dementia. It is very sad and hurtful for me. It's like I lost my dad and he will never be found.
Thanks for this great explanation. I did bother me for a while that I was doing all this extra work and not getting any thanks whatsoever from my wife with FTD. Obviously she doesn't see any reason for thanking anyone since she is fine. My wife's understanding of her problem is interesting; she insists that her head was injured in a car wreck a few years ago that she was in and that she has a "massive brain injury." I've learned just to agree with her that it is a brain injury, which is essentially sort of true anyway.
This also explains her insistence that she can still drive the car, since, in her mind, there's no reason why she shouldn't. This is a tricky subject and the hardest thing about dealing with dementia. They can have a very firm grasp on certain parts of reality but be way off in other parts. It's hard for me to keep track sometimes.
It sounds like you've found the perfect way to respond to her belief of having a "massive brain injury." Agreeing often takes away a lot of arguments. It is certainly tricky. If she insists that she can drive, sometimes it's best not to argue and find other ways to respond. One of the very first videos I recorded was about how to respond to a loved one who wants to drive but is no longer safe. I apologize for the poor quality, but hope this helps. Tune in around 2:40 for the part that applies to your situation.
John Saxon same with my mother. Not knowing what she is understating and not. She praises others and not her own children that are with her daily.
If she cant drive then have her doctor write a statement why and go to DMV and have your wife's drivers license taken away. Blame DMV and tell her they know about her brain
Inury from the accident. Not only are you looking out for her safety but everyone else's that she might injure in an accident.
My sister did her final assessment and her hate for me is even fiercer if that can explain it. She doesnât want me anywhere near her even telling people that I was responsible for my older sisters death 12years ago. She hates me with a passion Iâm at a loss to understand why. I have three other orders in their 80s Iâm 76 and the only one who can take care of her as sheâs never married. I have put up with so much physical and verbal abuse I feel like walking away. I also have an 83 year old husband to care for. I would gladly care for her too but feel the stress sheâs putting me through is more than I can handle. Whatâs brought on this hate? We were fairly close before. Is this normal for dementia patients
I was always aware that my husband was not aware .But had a problem explaing that to others . Thanks for clarifying..
Thank you. This provided confirmation and comfort. Please keep doing this important work.
Thank you! I stumbled upon your video and found it to be exactly what we needed to help explain my sister's condition. She is in her 7th year of end stage renal failure and the past few months she's lost muscle mass, been forgetful, and recently crashed her car. We were not sure why, but without her being able to drive, I've had to take her to her many Dr appointments and found she's been confused more than we realized. She is also not bathing, not eating (as evidenced by her lack of food in refrigerator), and as a result her stomach meds are most likely too much for her to take. My brother and I are the only next of kin and we are trying to manage all these realizations thrown at us. The explanation of Anosagnosia described her exactly! And your video will help us work through our trying to help her. I appreciate the informative video and will look forward to viewing more. Sincerely, Lisa Kirk
Thank you so much Dr Natali. This describes it exactly - I had sent the question for today's live Q & A - this is it. So sad and difficult but this makes it clear now.
At the hospital over Thanksgiving holiday, she was put on oxygen and IV because she refuses to drink enough water or use her oxygen machine. So even though everyone in the ER was telling her she was dehydrated and below 88 oxygen that hurt her kidneys and caused a UTI, she continued to chatter about how much water she drinks and how she takes her oximeter readings and they are always above 90.
This was actually comforting to watch. Thanks.
My mother is aware that she has memory loss. She is completely against getting a cat scan and was none to happy to find out that she had one earlier this year when she went to the ER for high blood sugar, frostbite (unheated, hoarded home). Sheâs always been a very determined person and I completely get her denial and fear. Problem is, her âplanâ seems to be that she has 2 daughters who will be her caregivers. The problem with that plan is that it isnât an option for either of us as, we have very demanding jobs. For me, I hardly care for myself so, thereâs no way I can care for someone else. One might say that Iâm just not doing as I should but, that may be because they have one of those yesteryear jobs where you worked at a decent pace and didnât bring home work nights and weekends. For a number of us, that ended a few years ago so, little to nothing can be asked and, sadly, an aging parent is no competition for a demanding employer. In addition, itâs not possible to quit work, otherwise, Iâd have done so in my 20s. I also have to save for my own retirement as there are no fantasies of kids dropping everything to care for me since thereâs no next generation in my family. So, again, although I understand my motherâs fears and denial, her plan is a fantasy. Even with a fantasy, sheâs got more than her 2 daughters do.
My mom wants a cat.
Leif Harmsen sadly, my mother has 2 cats. She had 3 but, one died 4 years ago. I had a gut feeling, when she adopted them that she wouldnât care for them well. Lâo and behold, I have no idea how the remaining 2 have stayed healthy under her care. When I last saw them, more than once, their litter box was ankle deep in wet waste. They should be removed from her care but, Iâve stepped out of that situation because I know theyâd be used for a narcissistic hoover. I do worry though.
My mom had 10 cats. All were sleeping in her bed, sometimes, she did not have enough place for herself, but they loved her so much! But then one tomcat did spring on her and really Hard from above and maybe he was the grund for an operation, mom did not survive. My grandma told often, where ever somebody wants to go, we help him there. So, love to cats can be a true love - a love till the end!
Always helpful, I have difficulty understanding to stop trying to address something that really is upsetting my mom because I mix respecting her concerns as a human being and redirecting.
My husbandâs psychiatrist told me this only happens after a stroke? My husband has no acceptance of whatâs going on. A good tip I read is connect donât correct.
That was the sweetest kindest way of saying this valueble information,, bless you Natalie âïžđ
Thank you Natali - this is in fact very helpful. It is a confirmation of what I've been suspecting to be true (the Anosagnosia or lack self awareness) but also often sure of. Since my MWD still has days or moments of pretty clear awareness/ alertness I sometimes feel she is just playing games or irritated & taking it out on me & others.
Getting clarity on these issues (when our loved ones are still not fully dianosed) is truly lifesaving. Thank you! đđ
Education is essential for coping. You're providing so many caregivers with hope. Kudos to you!
~ The Positive Musicologist
Thank you so much for your video, I do a lot right and wrong but when I listen to your videos on how better to deal with things Iâll be able to do it better and avoid a land mine.
Once mild has slipped into moderate the fact they don't know they have dementia is at least as how bad they really are.
To me that was the deffinition of the end of mild and the start of my dad's moderate dementia. It happened just before his ability to drive safely began to fail, and not so long after he signed his power of attourney for property because he was aware that he could no longer manage his money for anything more complicated than shopping for a few things. Now he thinks he could pass a driving test and manage his money again - so clearly moderate, no longer just mild.
I guess severe starts when he doesn't know what money and driving are, or perhaps who I am.
Thank you so much for this channel. It is helping me so much in understanding my mother and changing my attitude toward her.
You are absolutely correct. No point with fighting with it, I just accept it and try to deal with it.
Thank you. This is exactly what I am going through with my grandma. Only recently did I realize her obstinance the last year in regards to her needing more care has been due to the dementia. She doesn't see how far her illness has progressed.
This is exactly what Iâm dealing with right now with my mother. It leaves me feeling awful as she does not think she needs any help.
That was so helpful!! Thank you for the info.
I think your information is very helpful to know. Good advice
You are such a kind and loving person. Thank you for your advice đ
Thank you for your kind words, Kristien!
Such a great video, never heard of it put this way, so helpful! Thanks you
I'm glad the video was helpful!
Very interesting, thank-you for this video.
You are a God send! Thank you so much for what you do. My family and I are in this situation with my mother and it's really bad. My mother doesn't believe she has dementia or there is anything wrong with her it is a battle everyday. I will no longer tell her she has memory issues and what her diagnosis is because she doesn't believe it. Again, that you for all you do.
i am finding your videos helpful. this is all new to me.
Thank you. Very helpful information.
Just know that your compassion is what matters. Their understanding is not essential to that. Cooperation is the goal of seeking understanding, so other routes of developing cooperation are a better use of time and energy, and reduce frustration.
You are an angel. I was so angry that my husband was lying to me until I saw one of your other videos that explained confabulation. Now I don't take the lying so personally.
Thank you. This explains a matter I'm running up against but did not understand underlying process.
I'm glad it helped!
Thank you so much I've bean subscribed to your channel for almost 7 mouths and have change my false perception of this diseases entirely. Again thank you. PS. My mother and I are communicating much better now do to my understanding.
Respectfully, Dr. Natali, sometimes a person with dementia can be very painfully aware that something is frighteningly wrong with his or her head. My poor Grandma agonized over it occasionally and I had no words of wisdom or comfort to share with her. Knowing it is a one-way street that just gets worse left me unable to say or do much to comfort her at these times. đ„
Laurie McLean you are 100% correct. I hope no one takes any of my videos and assumes they apply to all situations and people with dementia. Most people with dementia understand there is something wrong with their mind in the early stages.
Al your videos are very helpful and itâs wonderful off you to present them to us. Keep well I will see you again âšđżđâšđđ§âšâ€ïžâš
Wow! This was very helpful!! Thank you!!
spot on video .. my beloved wife 75 years old is on the treadmill. I am having to take over all of the tasks you mentioned plus she has a colostomy which she is coping with at the moment .38 kg .. means she is just a virtual skeleton covered with skin .she is still managing to make it to the toilet on her own for now .
I brought my Mother back to the house I reside in, from the hospital, yesterday. She'd been diagnosed with dementia. I don't know what stage it is but at this point it's painfully obvious. She's just turned 76 on the 17th...
Think about this situationâŠ..husband 85, legally blind, very hard of hearing. The signs of dementia are increasing. Sad enough that he canât see, but refuses the hearing aids. I donât want to force them on him. His world is silent and almost dark. It is heartbreaking for sure. I will keep him at home as long as I feel he is safe and that I feel safe.
I wish my husband Dr would say stuff like this. After watching a lot of you videos it's helpful.I still walk on egg shells with my husband cause he stressed me out and most of the 37 years has been horrible and I have post dramatic stress Disorder and he has never let me live he has controlled everything and I have forgiven him and am dedicated my life to caring for him but it's hard.i don't like when he says I want you dead. Help me no what to do I just let him say it and I didn't comment
I learned from this video. Thanks.
Thanks, very helpful.
Very helpful. Thank you.
So helpful! Thank you!
You are welcome!
Thank you for your response.
Thanks for the video. One problem is trying to persuade the loved one to go to their appointment at the mental health/memory clinic (when they don't want to go)! Very frustrating!
Thank you that helped.
I happened upon a link to one of your videos and have been watching them. SO HELPFUL, THANK YOU FOR DOING THIS. I can't tell you how insightful this video has been. I've really been struggling with what I thought was "denial". I've been questioning why my mother has been so angry at me for helping her. I get it. Thank you so very much.
You are welcome. Sending all the best to you and your mom.
Thank you so helpful đ
Nailed it!
Thx you.. Expains so much.
I'd like to watch your talks from the beginning. Do you have an introductory video? Thank you for your help. Mary
Girl, you need to make a video on your skincare routine.
Will do!!
Thank you for your videos and your investment in this sensitive topic. Personally, It's been a difficult journey experiencing the life of a caregiver. My mom suffers from early stages of FTD combine with BPD, so this unawareness (anosognosia) of her own condition has been a tricky component of the disease.
Gerardo Corro thanks for sharing. You are definitely in a tough spot. Hang in there and make sure you find some time to put yourself first. đ
great info my wife is in the group where she doesn't realise she has a problem 4.5 yrs from diagnosis will tell dr nothing wrong with her but has zero short term memory, always went out of her way to refuyse medication I sometimes wonder if her symptoms ae affecting me
Great video
I needed to hear this
Thanks!
I wish we had known this, 10 years ago. Totally makes sense.
What do you do when they present well and a sibling lives closely but still does not pick up when all the signs are there?
We don't know how to "move in" and take over when she doesn't want any intrusion. I don't even know where to begin. :( my mom is hellbent on staying alone. (update... I finally just did it. She realized once I got here just how much it was helping her. I took so much of her work load that it eased her mind and let her focus on getting better. We are great now.)
The day will come when it won't be an option. A fall is what did it for my mom. Until then, it is a lot of nights with little to no sleep worrying. Piece of mind came when I had her pick one of the five dementia places we visited and she did and was excited to go live there. That is when it is time, after the fall when her confidence was shaken. I would not wish that on anyone. It is so hard for them to give up their independence and you feel bad for doing it, but it is a safety issue.
Same here. We ignore or wait for him to be distracted from his resistance.
We finally did it!!! :)
I just want too confirm with you the time for the presentation for the dementia classes. They must please just send me a notification before it starts. Thanks my time schedule is different from yours.đđ
Thank you!
Are there any online support groups, this channel is greatâŠIâve started forwarding these to my MomâŠbut would love to find a two way conversation support group.
Me too!
I understand how this occurs in the mid to later stages. However. In the beginning, yes many do experience denial. Its simply a fact. This is proven. And explains why they write reminder notes everywhere, refuse for tbeir family members to tell their doctors, make excuses every single time why they do not remember something youve discussed wirg them extensively and then make excuses why they dont remember, but say they remember after you let them know the matter had been discussed already with them then tbey say oh now I remember. Yet you can tell they really dont remember at all. They go tbrough a great deal of covering up their short term memory loss yet they deny they have memory loss, so yes many do experience denial. I can see how later on as tge disease progresses this other symptom youre referring to does occur, but its not uncommon in the early stages for them to be in denial too. As a matter of fact, many in tbe early stages will lie to their doctors fully knowing they are forgetting short term memory, and theyll even get angry at family members for bringing it up to them. Many admit they lie about it, so they dont lose their independence of living alone, or so they are not placed in a nursing home, or so they do not lose tbeir drivers license, etc., yet they will them admit its true one on one, and that.....lieing to themselves and others is well known to be part of tbe denial. So, in many cases there is also denial. I can see how as the disease progresses a complete disconnect as you are describing occurs. And that is a relief for care takers to understand. Thank you.
Charlotte Cannon : Absolutely agree! My husband absolutely did know early on that he was having memory loss. He hid it from me long enough to convince me to marry him, and then later I discovered all the things he did to cover it up. I found out about all the counseling and anger management his job forced him to attend before I met him, because they saw he was losing his mental faculties. They may not have known it was dementia, but they knew something was wrong. He held it together long enough to trick me into being trapped taking care of him & then retired. Unfettered by the constraints of work, it took about a year for him to abandon the effort of denying it anymore.
EXACTLY!
THANK YOU!
@@tvdavis oh, wow.
Thank you
Just today I spoke with my mom via video call and she mentioned how great it was to see her granddaughter again who was working there. Her granddaughter does not work there (in the nursing home). She also asked about my sister (who is in Hawaii) and told me that she saw her and my brother, called to them, but they didn't come over to her. Neither of them was there of course. This amount of delusion has increased since she got out of the hospital from fracturing her hip 3 months ago. Prior to that, she would hallucinate when she had a uti. Normally, I'd let it go and not correct her. Today I wanted to know how far she's gone with dementia, and so explained to her that she was having another very vivid dream which seemed real to her. At first she denied that because, of course, it seemed so real. Then she realized what I was saying and asked why it happens. Maybe another infection mom.... and she was okay with that. Two minutes later, she was back explaining how my niece was so good to come by, and she wished my sister would stop in. So it's clear that she's gotten to a point of no return with her ability to remember and relate to what is true, and there's just no reason to attempt to bring her back into our reality. We've known for a couple of years that this would happen and that it would only get worse. We do what we can to stimulate her thinking by keeping in touch, sending cards and goodies and visiting when there isn't a covid shut down. That is the worst.
My mum has had a divider screen, that divides, obviously, the living room from her bed, and itâs been sitting in the same place for 18/19 yrs, within the last three days, she has moved this screen, so itâs at an angle and leaning dangerously against the chair, I ask Why? And she says it wobbled when I sat down, or the people were looking through it so I moved it so they couldnât see through it, or some other unclear excuse....every time we tell her donât touch it, itâs been there all these years, why touch it now? She says I know, I wonât.......itâs just another thing sheâs moved onto doing, will probably take it away, just like Iâve taken all the other ornaments away that were causing âproblemsâ to her, but she will move onto something else no doubt, until the house is empty!! Thatâs the way I feel itâs going , then what? Xxx
My mom did that too! Support groups, caregiver blogs, CZcams Facebook has been my sanity. PS mom stopped all that after a while, but one morning her caregiver checked on her- she moved all her bedding and pillows etc to the middle of her bedroom on the floor. She was sleeping soundly on her empty bed. Had to laugh! We call it the Poltergist night.
My mother is 91 and has stage 4 Alzheimer's. She is in constant denial of everything negative about her condition and rarely admits that her memory is impaired. She is aware that something is wrong but is ashamed to admit it. Instead, she uses humour to overcome it. We have the mammoth task now of getting her to the doctor's for suggested treatment of her swollen painful knee. Mother refuses to use a walking stick and will not abide any medication or ointments to relieve any pain. Does anyone else have a parent as stubborn or as downright difficult as this?
I think just about everyone with dementia can be stubborn at times. My mom certainly is.
Yes!!!!
Me...đ© My mom has dementia and cancer. She thinks she can take care of herself on her own and refuses medication and ointments to relieve pain. I am caring for her on my own, so yes, I understand what you are going through...stay strong my friend...đą
Is your mother strong enough to handle a ( beautifully decorated to her taste) walker ?
My mom did.
Since posting this, my mother died in December 2022 aged 95. She ended up spending the last 4 months of her life in Care Home due to a fall and 3 weeks in hospital. Mother actually used a walking stick and walking frame. She hated both!
Mom knows her brain is not working correctly, and will say so freely. She will even point out people at her assisted living who have dementia. But, I had to stop trying to make her feel better about her mental limitations, because she would get angry and say that she didn't have dementia, I have dementia. I knew to stop trying, but didn't know why. This explains a lot.
Thank you for your videos on this topic. My sister's and I are worried our Dad might have dementia as he thinks people keep breaking into his house to steal things, this ranges from thinking his son-in-law has stolen items but now he's accusing others like his Lawyer and now his neighbours. We don't know how to address this problem and how to get a diagnosis, do you think this sounds like a form of dementia? We have tried going along with it but now we tell him we don't think that's happened. We don't know what to do for the best as we don't want to confirm his irrational thoughts.
Any help appreciated! Thanks