Great advice. You have to develop a sort of language with your child that allows them to turn their emotions into thoughts they can act on. They need to be able to recognize what they're feeling, acknowledge their instinct, and choose to do something different. Especially for young children, that means you have to model it for them. Physically removing them in the moment is a good precursor to them walking away on their own. Talking about it after they calm down is a good precursor to them self-soothing. Building that habit of remove and reflect shifts away from dysregulation and towards conscious self-regulation that increases their agency rather than decreases it. It makes them more self-sufficient as they get older and it makes your job as a parent easier in the long run. This works on adults who struggle with harmful behaviors too. Yes, the behavior is "wrong," but saying so without providing alternatives is like putting a sealed bottle in a microwave. Suppressed emotions will explode and they'll regress to the only tool they have, which is the inappropriate behavior they know is wrong. Then they have to cover it up and you either find out and punish them, or you don't find out and it incentivizes them to hide more inappropriate behaviors. If they don't trust you, they won't come to you for help and if you don't know what happened, you can't hold them accountable in any way that matters. Trust is paramount and you don't get to have it by default, whether you're a parent, a mentor or a friend. You have to model appropriate behaviors without resorting to judgment or the shame, guilt, and regret will erode the trust that's necessary for change.
I have a question. From the age of about 18 months to maybe 3.5 years, my sister would get upset about something, but then cry and indicate she wanted to be held and saying, “sorry,” but then as soon as one of us picked her up she would immediately start hitting us and going for the jugular (metaphorically). What is an appropriate way to handle that? It just seemed extremely calculated because she would be crying and asking to be held and saying sorry but as soon as she was picked up the change was immediate. So what was going on developmentally and how should that kind of thing be navigated?
Children aren't calculated, although some behaviours they may learn like 'if I cry, my mom will give me sweets'. It's not an evil mastermind, just socialised. If your sister cries to be lifted and gets a tantrum when lifted, put her down, tell her what's okay, what's not okay - her feelings are okay, she's learning to navigate, and maybe she thought she needed a hug but as she gets the hug she realises that was not it. Mentalize with her and assume that in her mind she is truly doing the best she can (like the video says, it's the emotional brain talking)
The kids are definitely hitting you on purpose. I've literally seen so many to toddlers that don't act like how you're describing because the their parents taught them the right way to treat people and they actually understand it. Not this thing where parents are constantly deceiving the kids so that their behavior is modified to what the parent can tolerate. They literally should feel bad if they cause someone else to suffer in any way. That's a basic human need on their side and for others and they can understand that very quickly
Great advice. You have to develop a sort of language with your child that allows them to turn their emotions into thoughts they can act on. They need to be able to recognize what they're feeling, acknowledge their instinct, and choose to do something different. Especially for young children, that means you have to model it for them. Physically removing them in the moment is a good precursor to them walking away on their own. Talking about it after they calm down is a good precursor to them self-soothing. Building that habit of remove and reflect shifts away from dysregulation and towards conscious self-regulation that increases their agency rather than decreases it. It makes them more self-sufficient as they get older and it makes your job as a parent easier in the long run.
This works on adults who struggle with harmful behaviors too. Yes, the behavior is "wrong," but saying so without providing alternatives is like putting a sealed bottle in a microwave. Suppressed emotions will explode and they'll regress to the only tool they have, which is the inappropriate behavior they know is wrong. Then they have to cover it up and you either find out and punish them, or you don't find out and it incentivizes them to hide more inappropriate behaviors. If they don't trust you, they won't come to you for help and if you don't know what happened, you can't hold them accountable in any way that matters. Trust is paramount and you don't get to have it by default, whether you're a parent, a mentor or a friend. You have to model appropriate behaviors without resorting to judgment or the shame, guilt, and regret will erode the trust that's necessary for change.
I have a question. From the age of about 18 months to maybe 3.5 years, my sister would get upset about something, but then cry and indicate she wanted to be held and saying, “sorry,” but then as soon as one of us picked her up she would immediately start hitting us and going for the jugular (metaphorically). What is an appropriate way to handle that? It just seemed extremely calculated because she would be crying and asking to be held and saying sorry but as soon as she was picked up the change was immediate. So what was going on developmentally and how should that kind of thing be navigated?
Children aren't calculated, although some behaviours they may learn like 'if I cry, my mom will give me sweets'. It's not an evil mastermind, just socialised. If your sister cries to be lifted and gets a tantrum when lifted, put her down, tell her what's okay, what's not okay - her feelings are okay, she's learning to navigate, and maybe she thought she needed a hug but as she gets the hug she realises that was not it. Mentalize with her and assume that in her mind she is truly doing the best she can (like the video says, it's the emotional brain talking)
I didn't hear how to offer coping skills for emotional regulation that a toddler can use
The kids are definitely hitting you on purpose. I've literally seen so many to toddlers that don't act like how you're describing because the their parents taught them the right way to treat people and they actually understand it. Not this thing where parents are constantly deceiving the kids so that their behavior is modified to what the parent can tolerate. They literally should feel bad if they cause someone else to suffer in any way. That's a basic human need on their side and for others and they can understand that very quickly
Your impressions of parents trying to address their children sound so mocking.
But it’s completely appropriate for this video.. it probably comes across as ridiculous as it sounds to toddlers also!