Portal 2 - Every Single Cave Johnson Line (Almost)
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- čas přidán 11. 09. 2024
- I made this because everywhere I looked on CZcams, the lines from the main campaign and the community chambers were separate. I also added the Portal 2 advertisements that Cave narrated. If I missed any lines, please let me know.
I did add a few Caroline lines that interact with Cave's lines.
This helped a lot: theportalwiki....
I didn't include the deleted and extended lines from the wiki page above because I didn't have the audio, I would've included them if I did.
And of course: all content is owned by Valve, I just edited everything.
Notice: this kind of content belongs on my archival channel, but it's too late lol
I think I'm missing one line but I can't find it anywhere, it was about not agitating and testing around some other people that showed up or something
edit: this video belongs on my archival channel but i'm just gonna leave it here anyway
Well done though!
Valve gave us over an hour and a half of Cave content last year lol
gotta update it eventually
Cave cube? Also, Caroline's "Mr. Johnson I don't want this" - both of these were unused in the final game
Was it "If groups of hunter-gatherers appear to have made this - or any - test chamber their home, DO NOT AGITATE THEM. Test through them."? I'm pretty sure that line is only said by the announcer (and GLaDOS in an unused clip).
Imagine being a Black Mesa employee, and finding out your rivals managed to create multi-dimensional travel decades before you even began work on teleportation.
I keep wondering who the mole was...or did they just figure out Mr. Johnson's password..
And then they rename your facility "Laperture"
This sounds like the whole “prime Rick” “c 137” Rick and Morty thing 😂
And its the same company that injected gasoline into peoples blood and took apart hobos with no apparent goal
Imagine being an aperture employee and finding out one of your rival's employees singe handedly stopped the apocalypse
Protect JK Simmons at all costs.
No need, Cave's already immortal. 😎
He has a laser cannon in Mount Rushmore, which is plenty of protection
@@brickcraftproductions3065 omg lmao... So Cave Johnson is now President Ackerman?
Bro have you SEEN him? Dudes fucking jacked. I think he can protect himself lmfao
"Say goodbye Caroline"
"Goodbyeee Caroline! 😊"...
"She is a gem!"
😂😂😂😂😂😂
"Goodbye Caroline..."
She is very personable
@@trial_with_an_error9687 "Goodbye...sir.."
@@trial_with_an_error9687GLaDOS: Goodbye **short pause** Caroline
Irrelevant, but 666 upvotes
I love how literally the last thing you ever hear him say is "Cave Johnson, we're done here"
What's funnier, is the fact it's only AFTER they find the infinite money universe he just disappears LMAO Talk about a good businessman!
1. I hope they made that the last line Simmons recorded 2. The fate of Johnson is known. Aperture Desk job tells us this! It would be funny if he was in that universe tho 😅 3. I wanna be in the universe with portal 3 😂
Say what you want about Cave. At least his teleportation technology never caused an alien invasion that led to the whole world becoming one giant dystopia.
Nah it did. Just at some differing point in the infinite multiverse. Probably the same damn one where G-Man is getting constantly hunted by a renegade Chell while Gordon is input into the GlaDOS system. Or it might be the one with "goopy" people.
Honestly, say what you want about Aperture-at least THEY kept their disasters contained to the building.
Yeah atleast Black Mesa had milk, father figure, bitches, good memes, H.E.V, and funding from the U.S.
Nah, the combine is a multiverse aperture who destroyed the lemonverse and went on a multiverse killing spree😂
@@Solitaire-enjoyer
They're out to destroy EVERY universe where lemons have ever existed.
"How good is our science? Get a load of this! I'm
D E A D."
I mean... Cave's not wrong.
"Right. Now, you might be asking yourself, 'Cave, just how difficult are these tests? What was in that phone book of a contract I signed? Am I in danger?' Let me answer those questions with a question: Who wants to make sixty dollars? Cash."
goat talk
He is so quotable
9:51
here’s the life and lemons monologue
thank you
Not the same without GLaDOS cheering him on lol
Cave Johnson just preventing half life
I'd imagine he fired Gordon Freeman, poor Gordon
@@davisdf3064 Then he got a new job… at McDonald’s. G-Man visited once and said..
“I told you there were unforeseen consequences, Dr.freeman..”
"do NOT get covered in the repulsion gel. We havent nailed down exactly what element it is but i'll tell ya this, its a lively one and it does not like the human skeleton"
I like the idea of Pure Intellect Cave being in that Portal 1 GLaDOS with the tiny little head and the voice coming out of it just being normal not robotized Cave voice.
Explains why he wants to scratch his nose so badly
explains Aperture Desk Job quite well.
ever since i watched gravity falls i can't disconnect these two characters bc they share a voice actor (jk simmons voiced both stanford pines and cave johnson) so listening to this is REALLY funny to me
Wait he voiced STANFORD PINES?
@@Queen_Miku HE DID
@@PH0B0PH1L1A I never knew-
im literally jyst about to rewatch this whole video but imagining cave johnson as ford, and of his assistants as fiddlford, and ball just making random appearances
@@JustADoodle00 I keep imagining that cave is gonna ask his employees to get him photos of spooder man
“Lab boys” Bean Counters”
When you’re the boss you can use whatever terms you want to describe people beneath you
I genuinely did not know that they got J. K. Simmons to voice Cave Johnson. I thought it was just someone who sounded exactly like him.
🤣🤣🤣…I knew it him immediately! ❤❤
Erik Wolpaw, lead writer on Portal 2, is such a comedic genius
He also wrote half life 2 episode one and episode two and half life alyx. His writing is amazing
@@isomericgamer6644And he also wrote one of the best brainy platformers of all time.
Im just realizing the 2 alternate testers were probably Atlas and P-Body cuz of the high five taunt they have.
Wich means that the GLaDOS that we all know and love probably also has access to the Multiverse
@@davisdf3064 wonder what she needs the multiverse for?
@@A_Funne_Boi
Resources, Space, Energy production, the Multiverse is usefull for pratically anything.
That's why i would love if GLaDOS appeared at any point in Half-Life, she would be so DAMN powerful.
@@davisdf3064 in fact, Cave Johnson talked about black mesa. so GlaDos could appear
@@A_Funne_Boi poker
31:26
...
ummh ... I think he went through too many parallel universes issues
Let us know if you feel a shortness of breath, persistent dry cough or your heart stopping, because that's not part of the test.
That's asbestos.
The dark humor in portal is great. That line had me wheezing the first time I heard it.
@@nonameman7114Much like asbestos.
@@nonameman7114oh no.
@@nonameman7114 I have something to tell you
Cave Johnson: Enter the Portalverse
Cave Johnson: Across the Portalverse
Cave Johnson: Beyond the Portalverse
Those movies were so damn good.
First movie: "Hey, Wallace! Press the green button for me!"
Second movie: "My name is Wheatley, but you can call me the Turret King."
Third movie: "Alright, whose damn lemons are these!? Life's!?"
@@BaxterAndLunala Third movie post credit scene: "OW OW OW SHIT SHIT HOT HOT HOT HOT!!! WRITE THIS DOWN!!! HOT HOT OW!!!"
_Cave Johnson: Portalverse of Combustible Lemons Madness_
Imagine discovering the multiverse as a capitalistic endeavour
The announcer pack for Dota 2 has more lines of Cave Johnson than all of Portal 2 lol
I cannot stop associating that voice with J Jonah Jameson.
Same VA
They are both JK simmons and work their employee to death so yeah you can't
@@aiherepliaboth are based tho
I think of Stanford Pines.
I associate with Terrence Fletcher "Are you rushing or dragging?"
19:27 “Don’t make me call the dance police.” 😂
I can’t believe no one is talking about Stanford pines
“Get the fuck out of my sight before I demolish you!”
Portal 2 really is one of the best games ever. Watching those commercials just made me remember how amazing that time was. Last real game Valve released before near silence for a decade.
Cave Johnson's writing makes me want them to make a million more before JK Simmons passes. The idea of a company who was making stuff so advanced but never came out because they were so concerned with testing that they went bankrupt before they could. They were so far ahead that they had portals in the 60s while black mesa had a much worse version 40 years later. So excited for them to explore this universe more.
Black Mesa probably got portals a little bit earlier than 40 years, judging by the state of the old prototype labs in Blue Shift
@@tpd1864blake but is blue shift canon?
@tricursor2481 I remember my friend telling me that everything Valve makes is canon. If that's true, then yes.
czcams.com/video/jFNUUtrBSmU/video.html (this video is about opposing force, not blue shift, but they're both gearbox expansions)
@@Sacren365 but Valve didnt make opposing force or blue shift. These were externally developed spin offs.
My favorite line:
"They told me to not do pre-recorded messages, that gave me a idea, MAKE MORE PRE-RECORDED MESSAGES"
Same with "That's a Elevator, not a Bathroom." XD
27:14. Probably one of my favorite Caves(Johnson's? Cave Johnson's? Ah who cares, point is he is one of the best)
My favourite is the Roach one that tested the homo-sapiens injection.
@@allanchoy1386He was a mantis, but I hear you
It's subtle but Cave starts off fairly amicable and assuring the testers. Also has plans in place if something goes wrong.
Later, when Apeture starts struggling, he gets more brusque and dismissive and the tests get more dangerous.
Then he starts ranting to himself more and more and insulting people.
29:50 Noooo... they cancled GLaDOS..
15:29
Simmons is a legend
Yes he is. A meme legend as well (because of J. Jonah Jameson's laugh). :)
This guy was really cool!
Too bad the funky space rocks got him
"just try to get close to that baby. Your Funeral. Cave Johnson" 😂😭😂😂 14:13
I feel like Jay Jonah Jameson would get along with Cave
Any of those dimensions got pictures of spiderman?
@@shaeisgae8952
Spider-Man with combustible lemons rushing or dragging the Fire Nation attack?
Nah JJJ is a conspiracy theorist, probably anti-science
@@odessa745 Cave Johnson and JJJ arguing about conspiracy theories
"There are only so many ways to work with stone! Of course ancient humans could stack up rocks without help!"
"ATLANTIS PEOPLE BUILT THE PYRAMIDS-"
Personal Favourite series of lines
2:10 - 4:10
This was much needed.
JK Simmons is freaking incredible.
how did jk simons not kill himself from these quotes
25:43
31:26
That first timestamp; Him going from the playful tone and IMMEDIATELY into the aggressive approach destroys me every time. How Simmons got through it is a conundrum to me
I feel like Cave is Rick but much more civilized, he invented inter-dimensional travel and inject a bunch of people with praying mantis DNA
JK Simmons is a literal treasure. The Man is sarcasm made manifest.
Think he was just riffing? 😂😂
12:20 oh they did sone play tests to know people would stab eachover in the back
9:13
Ignore me I just need the time stamp for when my monologue starts
25:31 One of my favorite Cave Johnson voice lines
Tiny microchip about the size of a postcard
Damn, they knew asbestos was bad in the 40s, thats crazy
*S T O P*
*I M P O S T I N G*
NEVER
Oh, you stubborn... handsome devil.
37:30
i genuinely watched this whole video
25:43 IS NO ONE TALKING ABOUT THIS
Gross
@@kylethejudge lmao
IT FEELS LIKE A BOJACK LINE WHAT DOES THIS LINE MEAN I FEEL LIKE HE JUST PUT IT IN TO BE FUNNY OR SMTHING
i was scrolling through the comments wondering if someone was gonna say something about it
@@Dutchguy666TH Idk why no one is talking about it lmao
9:51 someone put this into the omiman speach
35:58: He clearly has seen the Roland Emmerich Tristar Godzilla film.
Science isn't about "why?". It's about "WHY NOT?"!
22:07 is my favourite part.
It's my favorite too! I was laughing when I first heard it in one of the custom maps!
Mantis Cave Johnson sounds like a demon
25:32 He was so scared he didn’t even tell people to get back to work
Me when there's a Radscorpion or Mole Rat attack in Fallout Shelter
Those lines about the sentient cloud not liking having its picture taken and 'consuming' people is awfully nope-like
God, I love VALVe when they actually make games. Portal 2 was one of their best games they had ever made. Very good story, voice acting, they pushed the engine to its limits, beautiful lighting, the chamber building was great and the dialogue was definitely one of my favorite parts of this game.
It's weird how he never ran into the combine considering they're all about concurring worlds and he went into several
Anyone tried adding voice lines from "Whiplash" ?
Imagine falling into old aperature and hearing, "Why are you looking down there, theres no mars bar"
4:30 "trace amounts of time travel" might be my second favorite bit, just behind the infamous "lemons" rant
Edit: Also 8:48 "Beard dirt" as a single off-hand line is amazing
I am wondering if there is a universe where JCJenson(the company from Murder Drones) bought Aperture Science. Would worker and disassembly drones test, and what would be the new test elements?
Any new test element ideas? Here is an idea which I thought of myself the Drone fizzle field. Are there any more ideas from anyone else besides me,like tests that use the absolute solver.
“You’ll know when the tests start” 🦗🦗🦗🦗
Next he’s gonna start demanding pictures of Spider Man, telling Mark to think, and trying to kill Bill Cipher
REAL
To be fair, they are all voiced by JK Simmons (Cave Johnson).
JK Simmons was the absolute best choice for Cave Johnson!
9:50 POV: You came here for this
Just a little Fun Fact: Cave Johnson and Ford Pines (Gravity Falls) are both voice acted by J.K. Simmons
18:55 you'd be surprised
HAHAHAA
"I will burn this planet down.
WITH LEMONS!"
I love how cave johnson cared to tell them to get out of the building fast
I literally convinced myself this wasn't JK Simmons because it would have been so random for him to be in a Portal game. Everything he says is funny, even if it isn't meant to be.
He is Jk simmons
This brings me so much joy!
lol. 18:27 Codeword. If I say, Chariots, Zero. (after he says Chariots for the first time, rewind 5 seconds with left arrow key)
I don't get it
@@deendeen9584 same
Blixer pfp lol
33:08 When someone spoils an anime you are watching.
33:37
This has aged like fine wine 😂
Unfortunately
Based Cavina Johnson says trans rights 🏳️⚧️🗣️
@@3DFella чортова Мерзенна Свиня, я повинен був би кинути тебе під гусениці російських педиків, перш ніж реактивний снаряд "смерчу" рознесе тебе до всіх чортів
How do you put a superconductor on "full blast?"
Science
Pee on it.
very carefully
One possibility is maximum magnetic field & max current through the superconductor. But Cave probably images some portal science gobbledygook
Intel
Say goodbye Caroline.
Goodbye, Caroline!
She is a gem.
35:20
One my favorite lines of his.
Took me 2 hours to get through this. There are so many lines I had to back up and hear again. ❤
"I'm gonna burn your house down with lemons!"... i think he lost his shit xD
Imagine how confused the scientists were when they heard that message
I goddamn love the way the introductions devolve.
"Welcome, gentleman, to Aperture Science! Astronauts, War Heroes, Olympians- you're here because we want the BEST, and you're it. Now, who's ready to make some science?" - Cave Johnson, owns the place
"Welcome, gentleman, to Aperture Science! Astronauts, War Heroes, Olympians- you're here because of an ancient mating ritual etched in a monolith by the elder monks to forestall the end of days. So, who's ready to make love to a giant bird?!" -Cave (Prime, from Earth-1)
"Welcome, test-prisoner to the Terra-3 Penal Science Colony. Space criminals, political prisoners, exiled planetary leaders- you're here because the galaxy needed a place to put you... and this is it. So, who's ready to stay here until they die?" -Cave Johnson, the Warden
"Welcome, gentlemen, to the Aperture Holo-Science-Jungle. Tramps, hillbillies, drifters, you're here because you followed the hobo signs. So, who's ready to scrounge around for some science?" -Michigan-Slim Cave Johnson, Hobo King
"Welcome, gentlemen, to Aperture Paranormal. Magicians, witches, crystal-healing doctors- you're here because you have scary powers and we want in on them. So, who's ready to draw some pentagrams?" -Cave Johnson, host to tiny but powerful demon that lives in a secret place in his mouth
Chariots Chariots
Aperture is basically if soldier tf2 owned a science company
Completely wild throwing literally anything for *✨ SCIENCE ✨*
Do NOT get covered in the repulsion gel.
27:15 “GET A LOAD OF THIS I’M DEAD.”
26:04 dying
37:40 subliminal message future reference.
This is the funniest shit I have listened to in a long time.
9:50 Cave Johnson after finding out his Star Fox game is broken
Know your allergens! Pollen, Animal Dander, Plastics, Antimatter!
Sixty Dollars!!!
No wonder Portal has such great comedy 😂
Love it!
When did all the multiverse ones play?? I didn't realize portal played so much into the multiverse
custom levels
@@KangarooJaywtf a reply? nice surprise, and alright interesting, thanks
@@KangarooJayhuh? like community-made?
@@TheTrueXaver yes, on the steam workshop you can submit levels to be played (co-op and singleplayer)
the game comes with a level editor
@@KangarooJay oh are the voice lines like custom dialogue that anyone can put in their maps?
15:47 and so forth, where are all these lines from?
they are for the custom player levels on the workshop
@@KangarooJay Man, I've completed Portal 2 a few times, even the co-op with a friend, but I have never heard of this Lore from custom Community levels.
@@DowaHawkiin levels that use Hammer (the Source level editor) directly or the BEE2 mod can change it
@@KangarooJayso I was always wondering… can players just place whichever voicelines they want?
@@erikpng no, if the level wasn't made with a Source level editor, it just follows a certain order so it makes sense since some are related to the previous one
Is there a full script of these lines I can find somewhere? I've found a few sites with some lines but not nearly all of them.
He said "bring me more pain pills"! Left 4 dead 2 reference there! PILLS HERE
9:47
I fall asleep to this every night
The greatest character of all time
As a real life test subject, I gotta say he sounds like the best CEO 😄 I want to solve tests and fight mantis men
I wouldn't be surprised if Ford and Cave are the same person
j. jonah jameson
CAVE JOHNSON IS SECRETLY IN SPIDERMAN???????????????
I still want the shirt that has the lemons rant on it.
this is just such a perfect role for J.K.