I have 41 years of experience with learned helplessness. I have no education, no skills, no money, never even learned to drive. I felt like it was my lot in life to never achieve anything. I felt like I was just born inferior to everyone and was just waiting to die. I've started challenging those pessimistic thoughts and even though its been hard to maintain, I'm starting see things differently. Change is now possible for the first time ever in life
Wow, this is me to a T. I am 27 years old though. Honestly, I don’t really have any goals or anything. Don’t have my license either. I did get my permit two years ago though which was a great feeling but this past couple of years have been awful and my anxiety is through the roof. I rely on my husband to drive me everywhere and I hate it. I definitely have this going on. More often than not this is my thinking, it’s hard to fight against it too! I hope you continue to challenge the way you think and to take baby steps to achieve your goals!
Finally, someone who gets it. It's not because you're lazy or don't know any better. It's because of repeated disappointment no matter how hard you try even when you try harder than everyone else around you. Eventually you feel burned out and even cheated in life.
I admit that was a thing I struggled with for years. I referred to it as a"giving up spirit". So many in my family had settled for less and saw themselves as victims. I realized there was a great deal of learned helplessness in my environment and that was the beginning of breaking the cycle. I only wish my momma could see me now. She always believed in me.
This explains a lot about my life. Unfortunately, I quit one too many times. I thought I had to be perfect, so I ran away and gave up. Thank you so much for your videos.
I have been able to combat perfectionism and instead learn to strive for healthy growth, improvement and compassion. Wasn't easy but it is possible! ❤️ Funny thing is you end up archiving more and stay more healthy when you're motivated by happy moments rather than trying to secure yourself
@@geotyr3868 u can’t teach ur way out of mental illness just like u can’t tell someone w a broken leg get up and walk that’s y therapy’s complete bs imo
I treat young children in their homes. I watch kids never be allowed to solve their problems, never allowed to feel anything more than slight discomfort for a poor choice or a lost opportunity. At 4. Parents don't want to deal with tears and tantrums, and they figure out how to avoid them. Wait ten years. Then they see the scars on their teen's arms and smell the booze, and wonder "Why can't they handle stress?" REALLY easy to explain that.
This is the first generation to have a job but don't want to work. They show up and make demands for more money and benefits. Thank the Lord that my kids worked and knew what responsibility was. Parents are not helping their kids giving them money for doing nothing!!!😰
@@syzygy4365 Yes; I am saying EXACTLY that. Being able to tolerate mild distress and work out a practical and an emotional resolution at 5 will serve you well at 17. Having parents who cannot tolerate YOUR distress will cripple you emotionally. After more than 25 years as a pediatric clinician, it is fairly evident.
I had a lifetime of frustration and failure. Everyone kept telling me that all I needed was a positive attitude. I did my best and still failed. I was so frustrated that I started looking for the reasons for this failure. I kept digging and digging until I found out why. After doing a lot of reading and research I found a third variable factor. It turned out I was diagnosed with Minimal Brain Dysfunction by a psychiatrist. That is an umbrella term covering things like learning disabilities, ADD, Autism Spectrum Disorder etc. This was the reason I could not lead a normal life. I had unrealistic goals and expectations. I did not know my limitations. I finally got work with a government sponsored program working with handicapped people and teaching a literacy class to adults with special needs. I discovered talents I never knew I had. But still I could only work in a sheltered environment. I am retired now but I am glad it wasn't just caused by a negative attitude. A problem can be hard to solve when you don't have all the information you need.
I recently got an ADHD diagnosis, I watched one of your videos about ADHD and I pretty much ticked all the boxes as far as symptoms go it turned out. The person giving me the diagnosis said the same. Your video helped in explaining how my brain was reacting due to the condition.
@Mark Wilde, if you loved Tracey Marks ticking all of your boxes, are you willing to check out Dr. Gabor Maté on the Joe Rogan Experience? He speaks to how the brain reacts under these conditions going very indepth. This can be found as a short clip on CZcams, or on Spotify for a full episode. Best wishes! 💓
I’m in the job search right now and have an assessment to take for a job but it’s 2 hours long and my anxiety is telling me I can’t do it and will fail. Also making excuses like why do I have to take an assessment when I have a college degree but after watching this video I’m going to the library and take the assessment tomorrow. I have to stop thinking negatively because no one is coming to save me. I have to face my fears🙏🏽
Yes! Don't believe all your thoughts. No matter what you chose to do, your decision will have positive and negative aspects. But if you chose to do nothing out of fear, that is the worst thing to do. Pick a fight, don't let life go by on the sidelinje, or in that uncomfortable short leash fear and self doubt gives. I got BPD and CPTSD. I've had a stormy life. I have seen others with my background and diagnosis "give up" on life. Not working Jobs, not visiting friends, just...withering in their home. many of them end their life. I didn't want to go down that path. I am doing what i have feared for all my life. At the age of 30 i am getting a higher education. I am so scared and stressed, but taking this risk, is better than hiding from life in my home. Fear and self doubt is the dragon you must slay to get to your true kingdom. Your gold. It takes effort, courage, it will be scary. But the price is worth it. The price of growth and seeing that you can go over the limits you may have set for yourself.
a job posting requires you to take a 2 hour long assessment? from what I’ve learned about poor quality job postings/bad managers, they make candidates jump through unnecessary hoops, like having them go through a one-sided long process and especially when they require candidates to create an account I wouldn’t waste time with job postings that are uncaring towards candidates, I’m sure you can find better offers just because someone suffers from learned helplessness doesn’t mean they have to do everything, you also have to have a discernment, what is worth your time and what do you value and spot red flags
I've failed at so much in life. Even simple things. I've failed to the point that I know it's me. That I'm the problem. I've had some small victories over the years. Now I fight for my future not because I believe I will succeed, but rather because I believe in the possibility of success. Win or lose, when I die, I want to know I did everything in my power to succeed
I’m hanging by a thread :( I’ve never felt so close to want to end it all. My Childhood trauma already set up my brown to been in doomsday mode but the way the world is now and seems to be heading scares me so much :( I cried all night having an existential depressive episode ant it’s now 8 am and I still haven’t slept. I’m just writing this for release so please ignore me and my misspelling and bothering y’all. Thank you for your videos 💜 I appreciate you putting all your knowledge and help on this free app. You’re a savior
I feel you. I've been going through a deep, dark depression. I thought I left this behind years ago when I was hospitalized and yet, here am I again in this dark hole. I'm slowly working my way out of it. I hope you find some help too. We're not alone. 💌
I have to constantly tell myself things are as they should be! I been dealing with depression and anxiety my whole life. Finally getting help and I feel you hang in there you got this!
After 6 years of suffering from depression with pretty much every symptom, all therapist that I've had consulted have given up, had no Idea how to help me, or refused to assist me because of the complexity and lack of expectation of success. . You teach me all I need to take control over my life again, to analyze my habits, my thoughts and let me understand the patterns and their origins. Within 8 minutes I learn more about me and get more inspiration how to proceed to regain a good portion of quality of live, hope, optimism fed by my small successive steps and sometimes mindchanging insights, than in all the years of treatment that I had. Thank you Tracy that you explain the world exactly the way I need. For everyone out there: my progress started with practicing meditation: sit down, close your eyes and count your breath. After reaching 10 start over again with 1. Feel the airflow . Do this once or twice a day or when ever you like, for as long as you like. Try it if you doubt for at least two cycles. As simple as that. No dogma, no pressure, no specific position, no hurting legs, no mantra, no affirmation, no dresscode, no candles, just you and your breath.
THIS makes sense to me. This is also probably why I procrastinate so much.. avoidance. I have a fear of failure and pain/ unpleasantness. I'm working through it though.
I learned early on that I was stupid, ugly and boring. So I stopped having dreams, goals and projects in 1988. I was 22 when I gave up. I did nothing with my life. I won’t even volunteer because I’m so inept at everything. I did have to earn a living, but I kept being fired because I’m dumb and clumsy. Thankfully, I was able to retire at 53 on a small income. I’m bored and depressed most of the time. I have no friends and family. No purpose. Nothing.
I have learned this helplessness. After dealing with chronic diseases that are extremely difficult to treat with no cure and have a big impact on the things I can and can't do, I have given up. These are my reality now. It is hard to believe that bad situations are only temporary for me anymore.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through! I hope that small bits of happiness come your way, and that you notice them, and the more you notice little things, the more you feel sparks of goodness.
Years ago, the first time I saw a psychiatrist at the VA, he recommended a book about learned helplessness by Martin P Seligman.😂 Yep. Same one you mentioned. I don't remember the title. That psychiatrist is the best psychiatrist I have ever had. In one visit he figured me out like no one ever has before him or after him. Unfortunately, he was a temp and was offered a permanent position at a non-VA facility. I read the book and it very much opened my eyes to a lot of what has shaped me but I never had anyone to discuss it with. I have yet to find another psychiatrist that gets me. I had one for a few years that did a great job but he left the VA, as well. My amazing Psychologist also left for another job. I now have a nice therapist who doesn't quite get me and my psychiatrist is too busy trying to get me off the phone so she can get to the next patient. She doesn't really care about me. I am glad to have discovered your channel. I am learning and this episode has been a great one. I am trying not to be pessimistic but it isn't always easy. I struggle. I really need someone to talk to that gets me but I'm not sure that is ever going to happen again in this lifetime. Anyway, thank you so much for sharing this. I wish you peace and happiness. Have a great day. ☮️💟🆓
I encourage you to start morning journaling. I'm sorry your psychiatrist isn't listening I hope you can listen to yourself with compassion and care. It's not as satisfying as connecting with another person but it can help.
@@k8eekatt I am my own best friend.😊 I will be OK. I'm pretty resilient. My psychologist says to give the new psychiatrist a chance but I am not a patient person. I am trying. We'll see how it goes. Thank you for the comment. I do need to start journaling again. It has helped in the past. Take care. ✌🏻
I have this about certain situations. I thought for years I didn’t have the skills to switch professions. Magically turns out I do. I am working in a new field while going back to school to become a clinical psychologist.
Thank God for this WONDERFUL WOMAN. Her voice is so soothing and Her teachings are simplistic and I enjoy listening to Her explain things. She just had a way of soothing You with Her tone. Thank You so much Your a true gift from God. 🙏❤️🙏❤️
Finally! A good reason my phone listens to me without acknowledged consent. I wouldn't otherwise have been offered this video that is pertinent to a current situation I am involved in. Thank you Tracey Marks!
I wonder how common learned helplessness is among people with ADHD, especially adults with late diagnosis? I believe it has been a major contributor to my development of learned helplessness over the years. I think the negative impact of decades of living with undiagnosed ADHD, combined with experiencing multiple traumas including domestic violence (I've also read that women with untreated ADHD are more likely to experience DV), are what led to my gradual devolution from optimism to learned helplessness. Thank you for this video, for bringing up the subject of learned helplessness, and for presenting clear explanations and practical advice. I really appreciate it.
Undiagnosed yes, also when diagnosed. I was diagnosed in my childhood but all I was given was meds and told I grew out of it now 20 some years later I still struggle even with everyday things. Having grown up with a controlling father who had to do almost everything really has put a damper on my ability to thrive. I believe that my father also had the same environment and accounts for the way he is. Having to fight constantly just to do even the small task of learning. He's the kind of person that if it's not done his way it's not right. At times I'd have to tell him point blank to his face to back off and allow me to learn it on my own. I swore never to do that to anybody else whether I was working with them or teaching them something I allow them to make their own mistakes and if they need help I'll give it to them when they ask.
I had to fight feelings of learned helplessness after I finished college and got repeatedly rebuffed every time I tried to get a decent job. It took a lot of effort and going back to school before I finally found some success. I decided to learn something that gave me a more marketable skill (trade school rather than an academic pursuit) , even though it wasn't what I really wanted to do. Learned helplessness is really a hard thing to shake. What helped me was realizing that every day would haunt me if I kept myself stuck. There was no alternative but to get up and continue on.
I am a Child & Family Case Manager and graduate student here in Chicago (Masters in Clinical Social Work) who was recently diagnosed with Bipolar 1 along with concurrent ADHD and moderate PTSD. I am in treatment with a Psychiatrist and a Clinical Psychologist but THIS video just turned on a MAJOR light on for me!!!!!! Thank you!!!
This video is an ABSOLUTE gem. 💎 I wish I knew about learned helplessness/passivity growing up. This helps explain my coping style for most of my adult life. I will work on adapting the skills from this video to take control and abandon negative self talk. I really needed this today. Thank you, Dr. Marks. 😊
Great information! Despite having sobered up in '88, and eventually becoming a degreed working professional (school teacher), and having a successful marriage and family, I suffered from terrible depression off and on for DECADES. Flash forward to the present- I no longer believe the "chemical imbalance" theory. I now believe that nearly ALL depression is the result of feeling powerless to change things for the better. And that sense of powerlessness is almost completely due to the immature, negative shit that we're constantly saying to ourselves. "I suck; This fucking sucks; What's the point? I'm too old; Nobody gives a shit; I'll never get it together; I'm ugly; I'm stupid; I'll never lose weight; Life fucks you over and then you die; I could NEVER do that!" and on and on. These messages are literally programming us to fail. It's an unconscious method of not taking responsibility, because taking responsibility is scary as fuck. Those destructive mental messages are the equivalent of actual demons, and they have to be exorcised if you're ever going to have a fruitful, meaningful existence. Focus on the positive, no matter what. It's ALL about what's going on between your ears.
Dr. Tracey, all you say I have heard before but, I think that the difference in how you put your points across is the key. I have overcome much self-doubt and feelings of helplessness over the last couple of decades and it is so liberating. When I next try to encourage someone else to do the same I will refer them to your video; you have the best, honest, clear logic I have ever come across. Thank-you.
Thank you Dr. Marks. I'm at a point in my life, as a 40 year old dad, when all I seem to do is disappoint people. As much as I want to be better I break promises, afraid of confrontations and come by as a passive person. I really want to switch things around, for a while actually, but up till now I genuinely felt helpless and as I it wasn't the right moment of I doesn't didn't know how to start off. Thank you for your helpful video in motivating me to be a better father, partner, son and human in general.
I think this is the missing piece that I've been looking for! I wasn't always like this (inwardly depressed, defeated, & pessimistic). I had a tough childhood, but I had grit and determination, and I continuously pushed myself because I knew it was temporary, and once I was independent and out of the house, I'd be okay. However, when you think you are in the clear and then get zapped again, you wonder if misfortune followed you and it's actually never-ending. Maybe there is something inherently wrong with you, and you don't deserve to have a good life. You don't connect the dots that being treated poorly in childhood makes you more accepting of being treated poorly/ unfairly in the future by bosses, coworkers, friends, and your spouse. When you have to work so much harder for the level of respect and appreciation that the people around you seem to easily get, and there's no longer a "when I grow up" to look forward to, after awhile you just give up. I got out of my first electrified box by trying to do everything the right way and avoiding making mistakes. This is much easier to do when you are a kid- I was safe if I got good grades, followed the rules, and stayed under the radar at school and at home. These skills got me out of the house with a degree, but they haven’t led to a happy adult life. Jumping through the right hoops doesn’t lead to friendships or a marriage on equal ground, and my work life hasn't been fulfilling when I had 2 bosses with power trip issues who enjoyed pushing me around. I was afraid I'd lose those jobs if I spoke up. After drowning in depression and anxiety for years, I refuse to work for a boss who makes me feel terrible. Nobody deserves that, including me. I can get that grit and determination back without allowing others to mistreat me. ❤
I have watched several of your videos. I was diagnosed Bipolar 2 because I had one night of mania brought on by a trial medication. The psychiatrist did not talk to me or engage me when I refused to take lithium because it scared me. I am easily irritated and can't control my anger. It is more likely that I have borderline personality disorder with depression. I never found a therapist who was helpful. Some of my disillusionment with therapy was the cost. So I have lived with something that was not properly diagnosed nor properly treated. I do take Celexa and wellbutrin. I like your videos. thank you.
This really helped me because I'm struggling trying to stay on track. I feel like I'm learning to accept pain and failure because that's pretty much what I've been experiencing most of my life.
This explains a lot for me. I just recently went through a very tough time. I knew it was coming and all the problems that came with it. I usually end up deep in depression and hopelessness. Well less said I literally had to change my mindset before I began to to go through this tough time and control what I can and let go of what I can't hold on too and it is actually bringing me out better than ever before. Things are as they should be!
Thanx again, just watched this again Makes more sense got a bit of clarity to my personal situation.we need to be more aware and conscientious of what brings misery to us and how to handle it and do away with it. I think this is what we are born and are supposed to be skilled to do after school and a few years of experience, mistakes and fun and loss. Going forward it really is jus that and your 401k. Everything in-between is a teenager girls fantasy we all used to partake in. Now that we adults, adulting isn't doing what other adults did but rather now you have adult rights and that comes with a responsibility and consequences.
In early childhood having an impatient parent(s) can lead to frustrated efforts to do something new, or not how the parent would do it making parent get mad. This "I give up" mentality is a learned coping mechanism. Hoping for something and getting hopes dashed over and over leads to apathy.
Oh my goodness, I’m so happy and honored the Most High lead me to your channel. I just learned something about myself I never knew. It has brought clarity to so many things, now I know what to work on. Thank you so much Dr. Marks.
Im pretty much the complete opposite. when i was bullied in school, i bullied myself cuz i knew my flaws (huge nose, crooked teeth, (Back then) i had emo hair and dressed like one later, etc. And when they laughed at my jokes, we kinda became friends. Same for Work. i can go 17 hours straight of event technician / stagehand production even when things get frustrating. I pretty much ALWAYS stay positive, it takes a real shitton to get me upset or to give up, and even then i only really lost controll in my life EVER like 5 times in 26 years, 4 of wich resulted from the same series of bad events. (Wich.. it was real during that time. I never want to go back there ever again. Frfr.) But ill often lose interest/get bored and just quit completely/find something else that i might enjoy. I dont know how much of a bad thing this is, but recently i feel like i found the things that i really want to stick with.
Tracy is seriously healing 💓 and helping ALL OF US IN THE ENTIRE WORLD 🌎.. Truly a Powerful Being 👏..Thanks for all your professional advice, direction and correction.
The hardest part of learned helplessness from my observation is the refusal of any kind of reframing which would help with this. Usually happens when you don’t understand reframing 😔
6 years of college is meaningless without connections = not being able to find an adequate job-positive thinking is useless in this recession-cold hard facts
It's no exaggeration to say learned helplessness has played a large part in the breaking of my life. I don't know how to articulate how pervasive and intense it is. It is fundamental to my self-concept. Believing that I am a worthless loser who deserves the continuous four decade stream of failure and humiliation life has brought me is a pillar of my reality. Challenging it is almost more painful than living with it. I experience a backlash of cognitive dissonance that feels like my skin is literally on fire. I am not speaking metaphorically, it feels like actual physical burning. For years now my life has consisted of floating in a passive dissociative state to escape the flames for a while before some internal or external trigger causes me to once again become aware of the "reality" of my life, plunging me back into the cycle again. If I was suddenly granted everything I would have wanted my life to be from this point on, it wouldn't actually change anything. What my life has been is so painful it negates any and all future happiness. I don't want to die, I don't even want to get better, I want to have never existed in the first place. I want to be completely and totally annihilated from this and any other realities.
I love this woman, what a beautiful person. This topic is very relevant to my life, I will get control back. Thank you for the inspiration & wisdom Dr. Marks.
Dr. Tracey Marks, we need a million clones of you all around the world. We need way more psychiatrists like you. Thank you for everything that you do to help me and many others like me.
Thanks Doctor for this eye opening topic, for me I was raised in a third world country from a poor family and poverty was the main reason I learned helplesness, I remember I quit wanting things I always wanted to have but couldn't for so many years, to this day I feel I'm unable to buy myself clothes although I can, I just can't stop feeling I'm unable to buy them, after years of poverty I just learnt there is no point in wanting it anymore because I didn't get what I wanted when I was desperat for it, now I feel I'm fragile and the tiniest fail can shake me really bad, I feel suffocated when I think I have the succeed at sth, it feels I'm already failed, I unconsiously keep avoiding new challenges because I feel I wouldn't make it anyway and suck again
Who else here already figured out everything covered in this wonderful video but has learned to be helpless against unlearning helplessness? Lmao. Don’t give up, folks! Nothing is ever absolute and ikyk that we’re capable of so much more than we could even imagine.
its about hope and energy. After something doesnt work its hard to get back that hope and give something another try. Each time takes longer and longer to try again.
If you notice someone exhibiting these behaviors, please try to talk to them. Please try to tell them that you know they've been through many struggles in their life but that they still can make effective changes. It just might save their life.
Learned behavior is harder to kick than cigarettes or cocaine. In my original family, on both my mother's side & my fathers side, there were several generations of child abuse. Leaving my parents home as soon as I could, it became more obvious to me that my parents were severely abusive. When my own 2 children were just 2 years old & 4 years old, I caught myself starting to do what had been done in my parents families for several generations. I said to myself, HELL NO! I went to some intense therapy for a year to be able to conquer the learned behavior of abusing children. I worked at it so hard, it was pain filled, many hours of therapy. My 4 children have grown into kind hearted, happy, healthy, productive adults. My children tell me everything I did wrong, they would not have the mental, emotional, physical health nor the successful careers if I had not subjected myself to the intense therapy. They have no clue about how bad it could have been. I'm glad they didn't have to experience it. I just wish they were more grateful than they are.
I've recently been exploring why I always feel the ways I do and I think learned helplessness is a very relevant thing to me. Growing up I would always get in fights with my brother over little things but he was way bigger and stronger than me, and we were raised by a single mom who had to work all the time, so it often resulted in me getting beaten up and yelled at all day, sometimes 10 hour days, and when my mom and eventually my step dad would come home, neither of them ever did anything about it. It reached a point where, instead of reprimanding my brother in any kind of way, they would just tell me to stop crying and go in the other room. Now I'm extremely pessimistic about everything that comes my way, to the point where I don't even enjoy rewards and achievements that I earn because I'm constantly thinking things like "oh boy, I wonder how long this will last before it collapses and once again I see that all my hard work only gives me more failure." It's a really jarring and polarizing thing to try to overcome. I really feel like a significant part of my childhood was stolen from me and nobody ever cared enough to do anything about it, because the ones who should care were the thieves. I've brought it up once before in my adult years and they all tell me I'm being overdramatic and tell me to let it go and to get over it. Nobody takes this stuff seriously under our roof, and they especially won't take any kind of accountability, it seems. Sorry for the blog post. Just really resonated with the video. Feel like it helped me see some stuff clearer.
That's rough. Have you found any way to improve your situation? It got a little better for me after reading David Goggins' book and actively looking for discomfort (mostly exercise and ice baths). The guy is a little too crazy for my taste, but he's onto something. Our mind is almost always the limitation, not the body.
I always thought about myself as a never give up guy but recently I had the opportunity to lead 10 people and I found out that I don't easily give up on goals but I found out that I easily give up on people. At the first cue of them distancing themselves to me, I just give up immediately, I always thought that I'm helpless if others wants to leave my life and I learned here that it is a learned helplessness. I believe I got this mindset when I lost my father when I was a kid and I always thought that I'm helpless if it's about others life. I feel like I have to be more expressive and a little bit pushy to people that I really wanted to become part of my life.
I have to say that your video has been quite educational, enriching as well as inspirational.... I have to honestly admit that I have been through every one of these examples that you have presented... I have to believe that it's almost like someone who served in the oars of the Greek or Roman Empire during the years for which they flourished.. Being the one who had to serve the oars during active combat within the Seas of the Mediterranean served as an example of individual strength as well as detailed and fortitude....I have been experiencing quite a few of these signs since I have not been able to serve as a man and conquer the weaknesses that have been presented to me by modern day society
Thank you Dr Marks, I'm currently in a low point of my life and have always thought about letting it go, but I've always found a way to keep going, although with great difficulty at all times. Videos like these make me understand my situation better. And one day, I'll be able to heal through them
Just remember, everything you do is ALWAYS useful for you. Think of it in a sims kind of way. Every action you do makes you a little bit better at your life skills. Especially failing makes you better. Every worthwhile thing in your life is there because you did it right somehow eventually.
Dr Marks- this was an important video- I really appreciate your approach to psychiatry- it feels like a great blend of psychology and psychiartry- a more holistic view of mental health issues. Thank you for this nuanced and progressive approach. 🙏🏾💗😊
I have a pessimistic outlook, but I vacillate between learned helplessness and angry, stubborn determination. That was how it was in my childhood, too. Thoughts of despair to dreaming of kicking my abuser's ass. I actually did that once or twice, but since he was my older sibling I was made to feel bad about it by my parents. There is a reason for what you're going through. You may help someone or many later in life. That's worth the abuse (though it doesn't seem like it AT ALL until you're able to leave the situation). My prayers go out to anyone who isn't able to escape their situation and if you can't but are on here reading this please reach out
It's interesting that right after my last failure in a business I was trying to start I was writing down the lessons that I learned and I even addressed how the environment wasn't the right fit for where was at at that moment. I still got depressed and demotivated and completely gave up after that. I guess it's a very hard thing to work through that takes many trials and therefore many failures...
I've always been somewhat of a pessimist, but instead of developing full learned helplessness, I modified it by becoming an under-achiever. I never really tried MUCH, but in many things I still did well anyway. So I was able to feel a sense of satisfaction from succeeding with minimal effort, and at the same time protected from the fear of failure by that very same lack of effort. Nowadays, 20-30 years later, I am pretty logical and don't lean too far in either direction on those 3 types of thinking. I don't internalise or externalise excessively for example. I feel very much in control of things I CAN control. But the things I CAN'T control, I don't deal with very well.
The reason that I give up really easy is to the fact that i reassess the goal and ask myself is it something that I really want or need for the effort that is needed to succeed . And 99% of the time the answer is no. I don't feel passionate enough or i can be happy without it. And then i go looking for something else. But I'm finding that there really not anything worth it for me. Cause it takes a extreme effort on my part to get minimal success in life at the least. I keep going after goals that are too difficult for me too achieve in a timely manner. Also the goals i can achieve are not rewarding for me
I just wondered yesterday why I'm always giving up when some people try and try again. They have so much energy towards their goals despite failures and what others think. I need unlearned this learn helplessness
This video is really helpful. And what perfect timing it is now that I'm struggling to find a job and considering just giving up. Until this video, I never knew anything about "learned helplessness". I've always thought that I was just inept and would never amount to anything that's why I would easily give up. I never knew there were reasons behind such behavior. And thanks to this video, I now have a guide to change the way I think and my life for the better. Thank you very much and keep on making helpful and informative videos such as this one.
I realized a few years back that I gave up easily because my mother was very abusive. She told me I was a waste. She never helped me with my homework but wanted straight As. She called me retarded, lazy, moron etc when I failed to give her what she wanted. The state of her life was always my fault, because I was born. In my late 30s I met a series of ppl that saw in me things I never saw in myself. I had to go to therapy to undo my programming.
Right now, Nihilism seems to be the best way to cope with this... I truly gave up on humanity after these last 3 years. Also, I hate how this contradicts Acceptance Commitment Therapy... There really are things that we can't control. And many times we're put in a situation because of those forces. I've been hopeful and tried my best for 30 years, but most of the world still sucks and there's nothing I can do to stop the destruction of the planet, feed and shelter the homeless, get people a living wage, or even support myself for fucks sake. "Oh just get another job!" Yeah. Sure. I've been doing that for 5 years and even with 3 part time jobs, I was working more and getting paid less than my peers who had 'full time' 40hr/week jobs.
I have a strong urge to give up lately when playing Metroid Dread. It's been days and I have no idea where to go. Just wandering around in circles. I'm almost ready to give up!
Positive events are a temporary situation, specific and controllable - gone in a heartbeat depending on what the whims of passerbys. Bad events are permanent milestones. I don't think any of you understand what it means to come from a bad life trajectory - there is no "normal" like yours to return to, there is no "healing" for this is normal. What we need is a complete reparenting, not management. And who is going to do us as we ask? Stop trying to fit us in your mould and write us off when we don't, you need to fit into reality.
Job searches are not that easy. 06:15 You need reliable references and most businesses do not accept references from : jobs , charities, family or schools .
i'm not sure why, but I'm really unreceptive to SMART goals. It's like the murkiness related to learned helplessness, ambiguous direction, & low self-value are too influential on my willingess to engage with SMART goal setting. Sometimes gaining "control" does boost motivation but lately, it doesn't really do much for me & it can be a challenge to keep up with responsibilities.
I struggle with this. I think that I really give it my all. However, I don't succeed until I give up.. I know this sounds strange but, it's true. For instance right now I've been looking for an apartment for about 2months now. Very frustrating an feeling depressed over it. My obstacles feel like Divine intervention like normal. Once I give, watch he give it to me.. I like to be able to succeed on my own however, enough is enough. For me, I have to give up and let God..
An isolated view makes sure, terror and a lack of protections and human rights have no impact in the victims and they have to live as if they are not helpless and in great pain.
I have 41 years of experience with learned helplessness. I have no education, no skills, no money, never even learned to drive. I felt like it was my lot in life to never achieve anything. I felt like I was just born inferior to everyone and was just waiting to die. I've started challenging those pessimistic thoughts and even though its been hard to maintain, I'm starting see things differently. Change is now possible for the first time ever in life
I think more people deal with this than you'd think
Wow, this is me to a T. I am 27 years old though. Honestly, I don’t really have any goals or anything. Don’t have my license either. I did get my permit two years ago though which was a great feeling but this past couple of years have been awful and my anxiety is through the roof. I rely on my husband to drive me everywhere and I hate it. I definitely have this going on. More often than not this is my thinking, it’s hard to fight against it too! I hope you continue to challenge the way you think and to take baby steps to achieve your goals!
I'm so proud of you❤❤❤❤❤❤🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉😊😊😊😊😊 Im pessimistic more than i realized
@@DaniD382 please don’t give up, you are so worthy of a great life. Wishing you ❤️☮️💰
lugosi730 you are so worthy of this life and you belong here. Please don’t give up , you are so worthy.❤️☮️💰
Finally, someone who gets it. It's not because you're lazy or don't know any better. It's because of repeated disappointment no matter how hard you try even when you try harder than everyone else around you. Eventually you feel burned out and even cheated in life.
I admit that was a thing I struggled with for years. I referred to it as a"giving up spirit". So many in my family had settled for less and saw themselves as victims. I realized there was a great deal of learned helplessness in my environment and that was the beginning of breaking the cycle. I only wish my momma could see me now. She always believed in me.
She would be proud dawg.
I'm motivated by your power! it takes so much strength to build that mindset when your foundations taught you otherwise. God bless 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
Perhaps she does
You’re breaking ancestral curses! Cycles! Trauma! Be so proud of yourself my friend!! You momma is so so proud of you
This explains a lot about my life. Unfortunately, I quit one too many times. I thought I had to be perfect, so I ran away and gave up. Thank you so much for your videos.
this comment is so me! I am right there with you on the perfectionism. trying to make an effort to get out of that mindset
But if youre not perfect, you get punished. At least what I have experienced in life.
@@Pursuepeace0715 Check out Healthy Gamer’s video on perfectionism. It’s helped me.
@@unicornsrice1667 While slackers and idiots get praised and promoted. 🙄😒
I have been able to combat perfectionism and instead learn to strive for healthy growth, improvement and compassion. Wasn't easy but it is possible! ❤️ Funny thing is you end up archiving more and stay more healthy when you're motivated by happy moments rather than trying to secure yourself
As a special education teacher, I learned about learned helplessness years ago. It’s why I teach growth mindset to help change their mindset.
Teach their parents, or your lessons won't continue on in life. Special ed kids don't generalize as well as typically developing kids.
Good for you! That's a great population to help get off to a good start.
That’s not something you can teach so good luck
@@Frobe8 why you think?
@@geotyr3868 u can’t teach ur way out of mental illness just like u can’t tell someone w a broken leg get up and walk that’s y therapy’s complete bs imo
I treat young children in their homes. I watch kids never be allowed to solve their problems, never allowed to feel anything more than slight discomfort for a poor choice or a lost opportunity. At 4. Parents don't want to deal with tears and tantrums, and they figure out how to avoid them. Wait ten years. Then they see the scars on their teen's arms and smell the booze, and wonder "Why can't they handle stress?" REALLY easy to explain that.
Well said. Some parents should not be having kids if they're only going to raise broken people whom will break other people
Fantastic observations Cathy. Thank you!
This is the first generation to have a job but don't want to work. They show up and make demands for more money and benefits. Thank the Lord that my kids worked and knew what responsibility was. Parents are not helping their kids giving them money for doing nothing!!!😰
So you're saying this broken behaviors from conflict avoident parents? Not absent parents, but parents that do too much... right. 🙄
@@syzygy4365 Yes; I am saying EXACTLY that. Being able to tolerate mild distress and work out a practical and an emotional resolution at 5 will serve you well at 17. Having parents who cannot tolerate YOUR distress will cripple you emotionally. After more than 25 years as a pediatric clinician, it is fairly evident.
I had a lifetime of frustration and failure. Everyone kept telling me that all I needed was a positive attitude. I did my best and still failed. I was so frustrated that I started looking for the reasons for this failure. I kept digging and digging until I found out why. After doing a lot of reading and research I found a third variable factor. It turned out I was diagnosed with Minimal Brain Dysfunction by a psychiatrist. That is an umbrella term covering things like learning disabilities, ADD, Autism Spectrum Disorder etc. This was the reason I could not lead a normal life. I had unrealistic goals and expectations. I did not know my limitations. I finally got work with a government sponsored program working with handicapped people and teaching a literacy class to adults with special needs. I discovered talents I never knew I had. But still I could only work in a sheltered environment. I am retired now but I am glad it wasn't just caused by a negative attitude. A problem can be hard to solve when you don't have all the information you need.
How old are you?
I recently got an ADHD diagnosis, I watched one of your videos about ADHD and I pretty much ticked all the boxes as far as symptoms go it turned out. The person giving me the diagnosis said the same. Your video helped in explaining how my brain was reacting due to the condition.
Have you seen Jesse J Anderson’s video about ‘Avoiding Toxic Productivity for ADHD’? It’s pretty good.
@Mark Wilde, if you loved Tracey Marks ticking all of your boxes, are you willing to check out Dr. Gabor Maté on the Joe Rogan Experience? He speaks to how the brain reacts under these conditions going very indepth. This can be found as a short clip on CZcams, or on Spotify for a full episode. Best wishes! 💓
@@apilotnamedsiren4808 this!
“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do.”
--Mark Twain
Yes and no. Absolutely nothing is ever all good or all bad. ✌🏻
No words more truer
Amen!! Gives me hope. 🥰❤
I’m in the job search right now and have an assessment to take for a job but it’s 2 hours long and my anxiety is telling me I can’t do it and will fail. Also making excuses like why do I have to take an assessment when I have a college degree but after watching this video I’m going to the library and take the assessment tomorrow. I have to stop thinking negatively because no one is coming to save me. I have to face my fears🙏🏽
Yes! Don't believe all your thoughts. No matter what you chose to do, your decision will have positive and negative aspects. But if you chose to do nothing out of fear, that is the worst thing to do. Pick a fight, don't let life go by on the sidelinje, or in that uncomfortable short leash fear and self doubt gives.
I got BPD and CPTSD. I've had a stormy life. I have seen others with my background and diagnosis "give up" on life. Not working Jobs, not visiting friends, just...withering in their home. many of them end their life. I didn't want to go down that path. I am doing what i have feared for all my life. At the age of 30 i am getting a higher education. I am so scared and stressed, but taking this risk, is better than hiding from life in my home.
Fear and self doubt is the dragon you must slay to get to your true kingdom. Your gold. It takes effort, courage, it will be scary. But the price is worth it. The price of growth and seeing that you can go over the limits you may have set for yourself.
youknowyouwilllikeit1000, thank you for sharing your story I'm going through similar issues.
a job posting requires you to take a 2 hour long assessment?
from what I’ve learned about poor quality job postings/bad managers, they make candidates jump through unnecessary hoops, like having them go through a one-sided long process and especially when they require candidates to create an account
I wouldn’t waste time with job postings that are uncaring towards candidates, I’m sure you can find better offers
just because someone suffers from learned helplessness doesn’t mean they have to do everything, you also have to have a discernment, what is worth your time and what do you value and spot red flags
@@FruityHachinice comment
I've failed at so much in life. Even simple things. I've failed to the point that I know it's me. That I'm the problem. I've had some small victories over the years. Now I fight for my future not because I believe I will succeed, but rather because I believe in the possibility of success. Win or lose, when I die, I want to know I did everything in my power to succeed
I’m hanging by a thread :( I’ve never felt so close to want to end it all. My Childhood trauma already set up my brown to been in doomsday mode but the way the world is now and seems to be heading scares me so much :( I cried all night having an existential depressive episode ant it’s now 8 am and I still haven’t slept. I’m just writing this for release so please ignore me and my misspelling and bothering y’all. Thank you for your videos 💜 I appreciate you putting all your knowledge and help on this free app. You’re a savior
I feel you. I've been going through a deep, dark depression. I thought I left this behind years ago when I was hospitalized and yet, here am I again in this dark hole. I'm slowly working my way out of it. I hope you find some help too. We're not alone. 💌
My brown to been is somewhat similar.
Emily, hope you having a better time
I have to constantly tell myself things are as they should be! I been dealing with depression and anxiety my whole life. Finally getting help and I feel you hang in there you got this!
I don't have the brain energy to write anything special right now because I'm not being my best either nowadays, but I'm sending a virtual hug ❤️
After 6 years of suffering from depression with pretty much every symptom, all therapist that I've had consulted have given up, had no Idea how to help me, or refused to assist me because of the complexity and lack of expectation of success. . You teach me all I need to take control over my life again, to analyze my habits, my thoughts and let me understand the patterns and their origins. Within 8 minutes I learn more about me and get more inspiration how to proceed to regain a good portion of quality of live, hope, optimism fed by my small successive steps and sometimes mindchanging insights, than in all the years of treatment that I had.
Thank you Tracy that you explain the world exactly the way I need.
For everyone out there: my progress started with practicing meditation: sit down, close your eyes and count your breath. After reaching 10 start over again with 1. Feel the airflow . Do this once or twice a day or when ever you like, for as long as you like. Try it if you doubt for at least two cycles. As simple as that. No dogma, no pressure, no specific position, no hurting legs, no mantra, no affirmation, no dresscode, no candles, just you and your breath.
What an inspiring comment! Thank you!
THIS makes sense to me.
This is also probably why I procrastinate so much.. avoidance.
I have a fear of failure and pain/ unpleasantness.
I'm working through it though.
Me too. Freeing myself.
Same.
I just cant be bothered with it going wrong
I learned early on that I was stupid, ugly and boring. So I stopped having dreams, goals and projects in 1988. I was 22 when I gave up. I did nothing with my life. I won’t even volunteer because I’m so inept at everything. I did have to earn a living, but I kept being fired because I’m dumb and clumsy. Thankfully, I was able to retire at 53 on a small income. I’m bored and depressed most of the time. I have no friends and family. No purpose. Nothing.
I have learned this helplessness. After dealing with chronic diseases that are extremely difficult to treat with no cure and have a big impact on the things I can and can't do, I have given up. These are my reality now. It is hard to believe that bad situations are only temporary for me anymore.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through! I hope that small bits of happiness come your way, and that you notice them, and the more you notice little things, the more you feel sparks of goodness.
Years ago, the first time I saw a psychiatrist at the VA, he recommended a book about learned helplessness by Martin P Seligman.😂 Yep. Same one you mentioned. I don't remember the title. That psychiatrist is the best psychiatrist I have ever had. In one visit he figured me out like no one ever has before him or after him. Unfortunately, he was a temp and was offered a permanent position at a non-VA facility. I read the book and it very much opened my eyes to a lot of what has shaped me but I never had anyone to discuss it with. I have yet to find another psychiatrist that gets me. I had one for a few years that did a great job but he left the VA, as well. My amazing Psychologist also left for another job. I now have a nice therapist who doesn't quite get me and my psychiatrist is too busy trying to get me off the phone so she can get to the next patient. She doesn't really care about me. I am glad to have discovered your channel. I am learning and this episode has been a great one. I am trying not to be pessimistic but it isn't always easy. I struggle. I really need someone to talk to that gets me but I'm not sure that is ever going to happen again in this lifetime. Anyway, thank you so much for sharing this. I wish you peace and happiness. Have a great day. ☮️💟🆓
I encourage you to start morning journaling. I'm sorry your psychiatrist isn't listening I hope you can listen to yourself with compassion and care. It's not as satisfying as connecting with another person but it can help.
@@k8eekatt I am my own best friend.😊 I will be OK. I'm pretty resilient. My psychologist says to give the new psychiatrist a chance but I am not a patient person. I am trying. We'll see how it goes. Thank you for the comment. I do need to start journaling again. It has helped in the past. Take care. ✌🏻
@@Joy-TheLazyCatLady thank you for making the world a better place through self care😁
I have this about certain situations. I thought for years I didn’t have the skills to switch professions. Magically turns out I do. I am working in a new field while going back to school to become a clinical psychologist.
I love Dr. Tracey's videos from beginning to end. There are well thought out and put together in an impeccable manner. Awesome!
Thanks so much! I really enjoy putting them together. 😊
Thank God for this WONDERFUL WOMAN. Her voice is so soothing and Her teachings are simplistic and I enjoy listening to Her explain things. She just had a way of soothing You with Her tone. Thank You so much Your a true gift from God. 🙏❤️🙏❤️
Finally! A good reason my phone listens to me without acknowledged consent. I wouldn't otherwise have been offered this video that is pertinent to a current situation I am involved in. Thank you Tracey Marks!
lol I reacted similarly
I wonder how common learned helplessness is among people with ADHD, especially adults with late diagnosis?
I believe it has been a major contributor to my development of learned helplessness over the years. I think the negative impact of decades of living with undiagnosed ADHD, combined with experiencing multiple traumas including domestic violence (I've also read that women with untreated ADHD are more likely to experience DV), are what led to my gradual devolution from optimism to learned helplessness.
Thank you for this video, for bringing up the subject of learned helplessness, and for presenting clear explanations and practical advice. I really appreciate it.
Undiagnosed yes, also when diagnosed. I was diagnosed in my childhood but all I was given was meds and told I grew out of it now 20 some years later I still struggle even with everyday things. Having grown up with a controlling father who had to do almost everything really has put a damper on my ability to thrive. I believe that my father also had the same environment and accounts for the way he is. Having to fight constantly just to do even the small task of learning. He's the kind of person that if it's not done his way it's not right. At times I'd have to tell him point blank to his face to back off and allow me to learn it on my own. I swore never to do that to anybody else whether I was working with them or teaching them something I allow them to make their own mistakes and if they need help I'll give it to them when they ask.
I had to fight feelings of learned helplessness after I finished college and got repeatedly rebuffed every time I tried to get a decent job. It took a lot of effort and going back to school before I finally found some success. I decided to learn something that gave me a more marketable skill (trade school rather than an academic pursuit) , even though it wasn't what I really wanted to do. Learned helplessness is really a hard thing to shake. What helped me was realizing that every day would haunt me if I kept myself stuck. There was no alternative but to get up and continue on.
I am a Child & Family Case Manager and graduate student here in Chicago (Masters in Clinical Social Work) who was recently diagnosed with Bipolar 1 along with concurrent ADHD and moderate PTSD. I am in treatment with a Psychiatrist and a Clinical Psychologist but THIS video just turned on a MAJOR light on for me!!!!!! Thank you!!!
It's very impressive how advanced you are academically and professionally, despite your diagnoses!!! You are an inspiration.
@@a.w.3772 It's more common than you may think. Many people have diagnosis who are CEOs, VPs, etc. 😉
This video is an ABSOLUTE gem. 💎 I wish I knew about learned helplessness/passivity growing up. This helps explain my coping style for most of my adult life. I will work on adapting the skills from this video to take control and abandon negative self talk. I really needed this today. Thank you, Dr. Marks. 😊
Great information! Despite having sobered up in '88, and eventually becoming a degreed working professional (school teacher), and having a successful marriage and family, I suffered from terrible depression off and on for DECADES. Flash forward to the present- I no longer believe the "chemical imbalance" theory. I now believe that nearly ALL depression is the result of feeling powerless to change things for the better. And that sense of powerlessness is almost completely due to the immature, negative shit that we're constantly saying to ourselves. "I suck; This fucking sucks; What's the point? I'm too old; Nobody gives a shit; I'll never get it together; I'm ugly; I'm stupid; I'll never lose weight; Life fucks you over and then you die; I could NEVER do that!" and on and on. These messages are literally programming us to fail. It's an unconscious method of not taking responsibility, because taking responsibility is scary as fuck. Those destructive mental messages are the equivalent of actual demons, and they have to be exorcised if you're ever going to have a fruitful, meaningful existence. Focus on the positive, no matter what. It's ALL about what's going on between your ears.
Dr. Tracey, all you say I have heard before but, I think that the difference in how you put your points across is the key. I have overcome much self-doubt and feelings of helplessness over the last couple of decades and it is so liberating. When I next try to encourage someone else to do the same I will refer them to your video; you have the best, honest, clear logic I have ever come across. Thank-you.
Thank you Dr. Marks.
I'm at a point in my life, as a 40 year old dad, when all I seem to do is disappoint people. As much as I want to be better I break promises, afraid of confrontations and come by as a passive person. I really want to switch things around, for a while actually, but up till now I genuinely felt helpless and as I it wasn't the right moment of I doesn't didn't know how to start off.
Thank you for your helpful video in motivating me to be a better father, partner, son and human in general.
I think this is the missing piece that I've been looking for! I wasn't always like this (inwardly depressed, defeated, & pessimistic). I had a tough childhood, but I had grit and determination, and I continuously pushed myself because I knew it was temporary, and once I was independent and out of the house, I'd be okay. However, when you think you are in the clear and then get zapped again, you wonder if misfortune followed you and it's actually never-ending. Maybe there is something inherently wrong with you, and you don't deserve to have a good life. You don't connect the dots that being treated poorly in childhood makes you more accepting of being treated poorly/ unfairly in the future by bosses, coworkers, friends, and your spouse. When you have to work so much harder for the level of respect and appreciation that the people around you seem to easily get, and there's no longer a "when I grow up" to look forward to, after awhile you just give up.
I got out of my first electrified box by trying to do everything the right way and avoiding making mistakes. This is much easier to do when you are a kid- I was safe if I got good grades, followed the rules, and stayed under the radar at school and at home. These skills got me out of the house with a degree, but they haven’t led to a happy adult life. Jumping through the right hoops doesn’t lead to friendships or a marriage on equal ground, and my work life hasn't been fulfilling when I had 2 bosses with power trip issues who enjoyed pushing me around. I was afraid I'd lose those jobs if I spoke up. After drowning in depression and anxiety for years, I refuse to work for a boss who makes me feel terrible. Nobody deserves that, including me. I can get that grit and determination back without allowing others to mistreat me. ❤
so good! I've spent most of my life in the chains of helplessness...but I'm working my way out and it's such a beautiful experience! I have the power!
I have watched several of your videos. I was diagnosed Bipolar 2 because I had one night of mania brought on by a trial medication. The psychiatrist did not talk to me or engage me when I refused to take lithium because it scared me. I am easily irritated and can't control my anger. It is more likely that I have borderline personality disorder with depression. I never found a therapist who was helpful. Some of my disillusionment with therapy was the cost. So I have lived with something that was not properly diagnosed nor properly treated. I do take Celexa and wellbutrin. I like your videos. thank you.
This really helped me because I'm struggling trying to stay on track. I feel like I'm learning to accept pain and failure because that's pretty much what I've been experiencing most of my life.
It is exactly what happens to me... Now you made me recognize the pattern which I even failed to see. You are an angel! ❤️ Thank you so much!
Thank you Dr. Marks for all you do- I’ve been able to understand myself way more with your videos than any psych doctor has. I appreciate you so much!
You're so welcome Mike! ❤️
This explains a lot for me. I just recently went through a very tough time. I knew it was coming and all the problems that came with it. I usually end up deep in depression and hopelessness. Well less said I literally had to change my mindset before I began to to go through this tough time and control what I can and let go of what I can't hold on too and it is actually bringing me out better than ever before.
Things are as they should be!
Thanx again, just watched this again Makes more sense got a bit of clarity to my personal situation.we need to be more aware and conscientious of what brings misery to us and how to handle it and do away with it. I think this is what we are born and are supposed to be skilled to do after school and a few years of experience, mistakes and fun and loss. Going forward it really is jus that and your 401k. Everything in-between is a teenager girls fantasy we all used to partake in. Now that we adults, adulting isn't doing what other adults did but rather now you have adult rights and that comes with a responsibility and consequences.
In early childhood having an impatient parent(s) can lead to frustrated efforts to do something new, or not how the parent would do it making parent get mad. This "I give up" mentality is a learned coping mechanism. Hoping for something and getting hopes dashed over and over leads to apathy.
Oh my goodness, I’m so happy and honored the Most High lead me to your channel. I just learned something about myself I never knew. It has brought clarity to so many things, now I know what to work on. Thank you so much Dr. Marks.
Dr. Tracey Marks: for me, this is a VERY VALUABLE, IMPORTANT & INTERESTING video!
Awesome! So glad you enjoyed it. 😊
Im pretty much the complete opposite.
when i was bullied in school, i bullied myself cuz i knew my flaws (huge nose, crooked teeth, (Back then) i had emo hair and dressed like one later, etc.
And when they laughed at my jokes, we kinda became friends. Same for Work. i can go 17 hours straight of event technician / stagehand production even when things get frustrating.
I pretty much ALWAYS stay positive, it takes a real shitton to get me upset or to give up, and even then i only really lost controll in my life EVER like 5 times in 26 years, 4 of wich resulted from the same series of bad events. (Wich.. it was real during that time. I never want to go back there ever again. Frfr.)
But ill often lose interest/get bored and just quit completely/find something else that i might enjoy. I dont know how much of a bad thing this is, but recently i feel like i found the things that i really want to stick with.
Tracy is seriously healing 💓 and helping ALL OF US IN THE ENTIRE WORLD 🌎.. Truly a Powerful Being 👏..Thanks for all your professional advice, direction and correction.
The hardest part of learned helplessness from my observation is the refusal of any kind of reframing which would help with this. Usually happens when you don’t understand reframing 😔
6 years of college is meaningless without connections = not being able to find an adequate job-positive thinking is useless in this recession-cold hard facts
It's no exaggeration to say learned helplessness has played a large part in the breaking of my life. I don't know how to articulate how pervasive and intense it is. It is fundamental to my self-concept. Believing that I am a worthless loser who deserves the continuous four decade stream of failure and humiliation life has brought me is a pillar of my reality. Challenging it is almost more painful than living with it. I experience a backlash of cognitive dissonance that feels like my skin is literally on fire. I am not speaking metaphorically, it feels like actual physical burning. For years now my life has consisted of floating in a passive dissociative state to escape the flames for a while before some internal or external trigger causes me to once again become aware of the "reality" of my life, plunging me back into the cycle again. If I was suddenly granted everything I would have wanted my life to be from this point on, it wouldn't actually change anything. What my life has been is so painful it negates any and all future happiness. I don't want to die, I don't even want to get better, I want to have never existed in the first place. I want to be completely and totally annihilated from this and any other realities.
I'm so sorry your life has been so painful!! You deserve kindness, caring, compassion, and happiness.
What you have written..... It sounds like the epitome of hopelessness..... That wish to never had exist. I know that feeling well. Hugs offered
I love this woman, what a beautiful person. This topic is very relevant to my life, I will get control back. Thank you for the inspiration & wisdom Dr. Marks.
You are so welcome! ❤️
Dr. Tracey Marks, we need a million clones of you all around the world. We need way more psychiatrists like you. Thank you for everything that you do to help me and many others like me.
I love her. Explanations that are above any other 'therapists'!!! Most so called therapists should watch and implement these medical recommendations!
Thanks Doctor for this eye opening topic, for me I was raised in a third world country from a poor family and poverty was the main reason I learned helplesness, I remember I quit wanting things I always wanted to have but couldn't for so many years, to this day I feel I'm unable to buy myself clothes although I can, I just can't stop feeling I'm unable to buy them, after years of poverty I just learnt there is no point in wanting it anymore because I didn't get what I wanted when I was desperat for it, now I feel I'm fragile and the tiniest fail can shake me really bad, I feel suffocated when I think I have the succeed at sth, it feels I'm already failed, I unconsiously keep avoiding new challenges because I feel I wouldn't make it anyway and suck again
Who else here already figured out everything covered in this wonderful video but has learned to be helpless against unlearning helplessness? Lmao.
Don’t give up, folks! Nothing is ever absolute and ikyk that we’re capable of so much more than we could even imagine.
its about hope and energy.
After something doesnt work its hard to get back that hope and give something another try.
Each time takes longer and longer to try again.
If you notice someone exhibiting these behaviors, please try to talk to them. Please try to tell them that you know they've been through many struggles in their life but that they still can make effective changes. It just might save their life.
Thank you, I have been going back and forgiving myself for not being perfect.
Perfect! Keep showing yourself grace! ❤️
Learned behavior is harder to kick than cigarettes or cocaine.
In my original family, on both my mother's side & my fathers side, there were several generations of child abuse. Leaving my parents home as soon as I could, it became more obvious to me that my parents were severely abusive.
When my own 2 children were just 2 years old & 4 years old, I caught myself starting to do what had been done in my parents families for several generations.
I said to myself, HELL NO!
I went to some intense therapy for a year to be able to conquer the learned behavior of abusing children.
I worked at it so hard, it was pain filled, many hours of therapy.
My 4 children have grown into kind hearted, happy, healthy, productive adults.
My children tell me everything I did wrong, they would not have the mental, emotional, physical health nor the successful careers if I had not subjected myself to the intense therapy. They have no clue about how bad it could have been. I'm glad they didn't have to experience it.
I just wish they were more grateful than they are.
I'm wowed & kind of afraid - how did I fall so far behind. Doc's spot on & the truth kind of hurts. Thank you 🙏
I've recently been exploring why I always feel the ways I do and I think learned helplessness is a very relevant thing to me. Growing up I would always get in fights with my brother over little things but he was way bigger and stronger than me, and we were raised by a single mom who had to work all the time, so it often resulted in me getting beaten up and yelled at all day, sometimes 10 hour days, and when my mom and eventually my step dad would come home, neither of them ever did anything about it. It reached a point where, instead of reprimanding my brother in any kind of way, they would just tell me to stop crying and go in the other room. Now I'm extremely pessimistic about everything that comes my way, to the point where I don't even enjoy rewards and achievements that I earn because I'm constantly thinking things like "oh boy, I wonder how long this will last before it collapses and once again I see that all my hard work only gives me more failure." It's a really jarring and polarizing thing to try to overcome. I really feel like a significant part of my childhood was stolen from me and nobody ever cared enough to do anything about it, because the ones who should care were the thieves. I've brought it up once before in my adult years and they all tell me I'm being overdramatic and tell me to let it go and to get over it. Nobody takes this stuff seriously under our roof, and they especially won't take any kind of accountability, it seems.
Sorry for the blog post. Just really resonated with the video. Feel like it helped me see some stuff clearer.
That's rough. Have you found any way to improve your situation? It got a little better for me after reading David Goggins' book and actively looking for discomfort (mostly exercise and ice baths). The guy is a little too crazy for my taste, but he's onto something. Our mind is almost always the limitation, not the body.
I always thought about myself as a never give up guy but recently I had the opportunity to lead 10 people and I found out that I don't easily give up on goals but I found out that I easily give up on people. At the first cue of them distancing themselves to me, I just give up immediately, I always thought that I'm helpless if others wants to leave my life and I learned here that it is a learned helplessness. I believe I got this mindset when I lost my father when I was a kid and I always thought that I'm helpless if it's about others life. I feel like I have to be more expressive and a little bit pushy to people that I really wanted to become part of my life.
I have to say that your video has been quite educational, enriching as well as inspirational....
I have to honestly admit that I have been through every one of these examples that you have presented...
I have to believe that it's almost like someone who served in the oars of the Greek or Roman Empire during the years for which they flourished..
Being the one who had to serve the oars during active combat within the Seas of the Mediterranean served as an example of individual strength as well as detailed and fortitude....I have been experiencing quite a few of these signs since I have not been able to serve as a man and conquer the weaknesses that have been presented to me by modern day society
Thank you Dr Marks, I'm currently in a low point of my life and have always thought about letting it go, but I've always found a way to keep going, although with great difficulty at all times. Videos like these make me understand my situation better. And one day, I'll be able to heal through them
I resonate with ALL the things she said more than i'd like to admit...
Just remember, everything you do is ALWAYS useful for you. Think of it in a sims kind of way. Every action you do makes you a little bit better at your life skills. Especially failing makes you better. Every worthwhile thing in your life is there because you did it right somehow eventually.
Brilliant as always. I always learn something new about myself by watching your videos. I'm so grateful for this type of content. Thanks Dr. MARKS 😊
You're so welcome Maxwella! 😊
learned helplessness is a huge struggle for me because it seems cocky for me to assume anything will work out well for me.
Dr Marks- this was an important video- I really appreciate your approach to psychiatry- it feels like a great blend of psychology and psychiartry- a more holistic view of mental health issues.
Thank you for this nuanced and progressive approach.
🙏🏾💗😊
So glad to see this!
I just did a presentation on this last night!
Oh wow what a coincidence! 😊 It's a great topic with a lot of applications.
Thank you Dr.
I haven't seen anyone yet provide such solutions following your extensive breakdown
Thank you
I have a pessimistic outlook, but I vacillate between learned helplessness and angry, stubborn determination. That was how it was in my childhood, too. Thoughts of despair to dreaming of kicking my abuser's ass. I actually did that once or twice, but since he was my older sibling I was made to feel bad about it by my parents. There is a reason for what you're going through. You may help someone or many later in life. That's worth the abuse (though it doesn't seem like it AT ALL until you're able to leave the situation). My prayers go out to anyone who isn't able to escape their situation and if you can't but are on here reading this please reach out
It's interesting that right after my last failure in a business I was trying to start I was writing down the lessons that I learned and I even addressed how the environment wasn't the right fit for where was at at that moment. I still got depressed and demotivated and completely gave up after that. I guess it's a very hard thing to work through that takes many trials and therefore many failures...
Sounds like something worth trying. But I'll really need help with applying this to my situation.
I've always been somewhat of a pessimist, but instead of developing full learned helplessness, I modified it by becoming an under-achiever. I never really tried MUCH, but in many things I still did well anyway. So I was able to feel a sense of satisfaction from succeeding with minimal effort, and at the same time protected from the fear of failure by that very same lack of effort.
Nowadays, 20-30 years later, I am pretty logical and don't lean too far in either direction on those 3 types of thinking. I don't internalise or externalise excessively for example.
I feel very much in control of things I CAN control. But the things I CAN'T control, I don't deal with very well.
This Video Was Made For Me. I Sometimes Find It Easier To Quit Than To Finish Whatever Is The Task At Hand
Thank you, Dr. Tracey! 🤍
You're welcome Maceyspaghetti! 👍🏽
I need this, I have to watch this again💗💗
The reason that I give up really easy is to the fact that i reassess the goal and ask myself is it something that I really want or need for the effort that is needed to succeed . And 99% of the time the answer is no. I don't feel passionate enough or i can be happy without it. And then i go looking for something else. But I'm finding that there really not anything worth it for me. Cause it takes a extreme effort on my part to get minimal success in life at the least. I keep going after goals that are too difficult for me too achieve in a timely manner. Also the goals i can achieve are not rewarding for me
I just wondered yesterday why I'm always giving up when some people try and try again. They have so much energy towards their goals despite failures and what others think.
I need unlearned this learn helplessness
This video is really helpful. And what perfect timing it is now that I'm struggling to find a job and considering just giving up. Until this video, I never knew anything about "learned helplessness". I've always thought that I was just inept and would never amount to anything that's why I would easily give up. I never knew there were reasons behind such behavior. And thanks to this video, I now have a guide to change the way I think and my life for the better. Thank you very much and keep on making helpful and informative videos such as this one.
Thank you so much for this💖 I suffered abuse ad a child and had no power…I give up VERY easily and get So discouraged.
As I was watching the video I thought about my limited perspectives. It hurts to feel helpless but this was really useful, great timing. Thanks.
I realized a few years back that I gave up easily because my mother was very abusive. She told me I was a waste. She never helped me with my homework but wanted straight As. She called me retarded, lazy, moron etc when I failed to give her what she wanted. The state of her life was always my fault, because I was born. In my late 30s I met a series of ppl that saw in me things I never saw in myself. I had to go to therapy to undo my programming.
I keep on keeping on because I don't have any other choice.
Right now, Nihilism seems to be the best way to cope with this... I truly gave up on humanity after these last 3 years. Also, I hate how this contradicts Acceptance Commitment Therapy... There really are things that we can't control. And many times we're put in a situation because of those forces. I've been hopeful and tried my best for 30 years, but most of the world still sucks and there's nothing I can do to stop the destruction of the planet, feed and shelter the homeless, get people a living wage, or even support myself for fucks sake. "Oh just get another job!" Yeah. Sure. I've been doing that for 5 years and even with 3 part time jobs, I was working more and getting paid less than my peers who had 'full time' 40hr/week jobs.
Sometimes opportunities do not match ambitions.
I’m dealing with this now. I’m stuck at a job and won’t quit because I feel helpless and don’t feel smart/good enough Dr something better.
I have a strong urge to give up lately when playing Metroid Dread. It's been days and I have no idea where to go. Just wandering around in circles. I'm almost ready to give up!
I'm working on this... I'm considering giving up the hobby of Model Car Building because of this....
66 years of not giving up. Not giving up is an identity after that long... but not giving up after 66 years is not easier... one... more... day
Thank you Dr Marks. I'm loving your new book too. You're such a blessing in my life. You have definitely helped me in my healing journey.
Positive events are a temporary situation, specific and controllable - gone in a heartbeat depending on what the whims of passerbys. Bad events are permanent milestones. I don't think any of you understand what it means to come from a bad life trajectory - there is no "normal" like yours to return to, there is no "healing" for this is normal. What we need is a complete reparenting, not management. And who is going to do us as we ask? Stop trying to fit us in your mould and write us off when we don't, you need to fit into reality.
Wow, didn't know this concept. Makes so much sense.
I'm glad you learned something new.👍🏽
Job searches are not that easy. 06:15 You need reliable references and most businesses do not accept references from : jobs , charities, family or schools .
Dr. Marks, your videos are a beneficial social deed for humanity! This is a big deal! Many thanks. 😊
i'm not sure why, but I'm really unreceptive to SMART goals. It's like the murkiness related to learned helplessness, ambiguous direction, & low self-value are too influential on my willingess to engage with SMART goal setting. Sometimes gaining "control" does boost motivation but lately, it doesn't really do much for me & it can be a challenge to keep up with responsibilities.
Dr. Marks, you are a gem! 💎
Learned helplessness is definitely something I learned from my parents
Wonderful day to you Doctor Tracy! You are awesome♥️🌹
Thanks so much Kagoma Aigle! You have a wonderful day and week too! 😊
You're my favourite CZcamsr. Hope you're healthy and happy. ❤️
This video was so helpful! I've been following your content for a while and it's always so engaging and interesting!
Doctor Oz can not keep getting away with this !
Yep, this is me. It makes you not even want to try or put yourself out there for fear of rejection and failure.
I struggle with this. I think that I really give it my all. However, I don't succeed until I give up.. I know this sounds strange but, it's true. For instance right now I've been looking for an apartment for about 2months now. Very frustrating an feeling depressed over it. My obstacles feel like Divine intervention like normal. Once I give, watch he give it to me.. I like to be able to succeed on my own however, enough is enough. For me, I have to give up and let God..
An isolated view makes sure, terror and a lack of protections and human rights have no impact in the victims and they have to live as if they are not helpless and in great pain.
This just an amazing video. Explains so much.