Loving Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder: A Model of Emotion Regulation
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- čas přidán 15. 11. 2012
- Shari Manning, Ph.D.
Healing Hearts Of Families: Understanding And Living With Borderline Personality Disorder
The Menninger Clinic, November 10, 2012
I have a 19 year old granddaughter with BPD. She has been misunderstood all her life. She attempted suicide twice this year. I am just now researching and educated myself on BPD and looking for ways I can cope and support her. Your lecture has really help me to better understand BPD. Her father and stepmother haven't been very compassionate in dealing with her and her daily plight. I did forward your lecture to them in hopes of getting the family to cope and support her. Thank you so much
try buddhism
Dialectical Behavioral Therapy which was developed specifically for people with BPD by a woman who has BPD might save her life. Theres work oops and flashcards she can do if she can't find a mental health specialist who practices it
@@BrittanyLBC there's a hotline number too. Look up Marcia Linehan she invented DBT and she too your right suffered with this disorder
@@MichielVanKets any relgious framework does the same job. Watch “crazywise” it shows this clearly. Christianity works also.
How is she doing now? Did she move away from stepmom and dad?
"changing anything is hard, changing emotion is a monumental task that starts with validation." love this so much!!
I had broken up with my boyfriend a few months ago in hopes of sparing him having to deal with me. I told him it wasn’t the relationship, it was literally me. (of course that line is over played by people who want to hop around so he didn’t believe). He said he wanted a better reason, a good reason for us to split. To me it seemed enough. Break the heart early, before the relationship progressed on and I became unbearable to be around. I love him so much, and know it’s a hassle to deal with episodes. I know it’s confusing, and frustrating because he can’t do anything. And I can’t fully explain what’s going on inside. I tried the other day, but he couldn’t grasp what I was saying. He understood what I was saying, but he couldn’t quite make it make sense. I don’t blame him, I don’t even know how to make it make sense. I wish to be alone, but only to spare others of what I’ll put them through. I don’t truly wish to be alone. It’s…scary, lonely, and puts me into crazy thought loops. I don’t know why im putting this out there, but I felt like getting it off my chest. Seems other people have similar stories though
Dear Samantha, thank you for posting this. It alleviated my pain a bit to read it and feel your heart in it. Know that you are not alone.
*hugs*
We just want other people to accept us for who we are, but really we constantly need approval to feel loved. So we break up when we feel self conscious in hopes the other person will just understand what’s going on in our heads without us having to explain it. It’s like we need them to tell us they love us and mean in harder than before because really we don’t want to be alone.
Such kind souls, thank you all for the support and it feels nice to know WE are not alone. No matter how alone we feel or make ourselves feel. Hugs and positive vibes
I am literally crying reading this comment, this is exactly how I feel now, it's extremely sad,
My best friend has BPD, and I love her with all my heart.
Can I ask a sincere question? I think I have some similar issue. How do you interact? I am wondering how it is possible to love someone with a personality disorder.
@BPDemons I'm very sorry to hear that. In my friend's life BPD is a terrible curse which makes her difficult to abide sometimes, but she is still a lovely girl.
DBT saved my life.. continual meditation practice keeps my BPD from surfacing again. Meditation is an integral part of my life now. Yes you can't cure BPD but you can keep it resurfacing it for good with good stress management and daily meditation.
I know this comment is from three years ago, but technically you can “cure” BPD by getting help so you get to the point of not meeting the requirements for a diagnosis, which is technically someone going from having BPD to no longer having BPD..
Hi could you share with me your personal exp in a private exchange... My partner is undiagnosed but he's been advised to do dbt by his therapist (maybe they just didn't want to give such a heavy diagnosis), my partner could find dbt in his country then. But now he could access to that type of treatment, and I'm wondering if it's wise or not (he's been very depressed since October so I'm kind of at a loss for solutions). Any personal experience shared is a blessing!
@@shanghaiization dbt works to help people with developmental trauma manage their symptoms. It’s works because it deals with the most immediate and pressing needs, which is emotional regulation. It still will take 1-2 years to eliminate the heaviest of symptoms and bring someone back to a life worth living. A daily routine of 30 minutes to 1 hour of meditation combined with regular weekly therapy is a must. There are some good dbt workbooks out there you can also recommend to your partner.
I have BPD and I found this video in hopes of understanding what my wife goes through living with me... I want to be able to communicate my wants/ needs/ thoughts to help prevent causing more pain for both of us
Thats a beautiful goal, very excited to accomplish this as well!
Hey, way to go man. I commend your thoughtfulness and desire to communicate effectively. Persevere and remember it when the time comes...
Good luck!! You have a right to be happy and blessings to you and your wife on your journey on.
I wish the mother of my 14 months old son had your compassionate understanding and willingness!
@@vintagepearlguitars my wife, we have a son 9 year old. It has been absolute hell. I tried to introduce to her that she has BPD. All hell broke loose. Can't wait when my boy turns 18. I will leave on his 18th birthday.
I dated a lady for 6 months that was diagnosed bad. First 2 months were great. Months 3 and 4 were very confusing. Months 5 and 6 was a complete waste of time. I tried to educate myself on the subject but it was to late because I didn't educate myself until month 4. Wish her the best,hope she finds happiness. I will definitely be able to spot bpd in the future.
Good for you Rob, get out on time. My good friends are still stuck with her and suffering for 25 yrs now. He was ready to get out a long time ago but was stuck with 2 kids he didn't want to leave. I feel so sorry for my friend. He's is finding a peaceful way to exist.
THIS!!!!! DITTO !!!
Same situation as me lol
Wow! By validating others we are able to become mindful and emotionally regulate ourselves! Huge takeaway. Thank you so much Shari.💗
My beautiful wife of 27 years and a pwBPD, left two years ago July. This is what it was like for me.
Her love was the Promised Land and I was eager to prove my devotion. Together we wandered in the desert for many years, looking for the lush green forest at the edge of a lake, where surrounded by snow-capped mountains she could find peace and purpose. I brought plenty of food and water, which never seemed to quench her thirst or satisfy a hunger she could not describe.
Occasionally we came upon an oasis where I was content and happy. In time, once again, the spring would go dry and we would resume the search, each time in a new direction. I am now very weary, our water supply a burden I no longer wish to carry. I tap into the last reserves of inner strength to stumble onward in this barren landscape, gripped by a fear of what is beyond the ever-shifting dunes ahead. The blazing sun is high over-head, so I no longer have my bearings, but once again, there on the horizon a sea of green. Her enchanting song once again draws me to Bristol Cove on the lake in the mountains.
We lay down together in the cool green grass, but I soon realize, once again it is an illusion. Like a mirage, in a blink of an eye, it all vanishes and this time she too is gone. I realize I've lost the faith, I must give up the quest and turn back, no longer sure of a way home.
The sun has now set and in the darkness, I cannot resist the urge to look over my shoulder with each uncertain step. It has become second nature to worry about her; I will always feel her pain and hunger, her loneliness in the void. I am overwhelmed with an unfamiliar sensation and try to accept I no longer have the power to rescue her from the discontent she has felt her entire life, even worse, I realize my arrogance to think I ever could.
At the same time, I try to erase the image that she may have found the forest without me and is swimming in the cool clear water. I think "how weak of me to have given up" and in the knowledge that I will never see her again, what am I to do with the love I still have for her. It pours out onto the dry sand and evaporates without purpose.
The witness of my existence now gone, my heart is tormented by waves of sorrow, like the breakers of some ancient sea crashing on a rocky shore. The primeval granite reduced to particles of sand, now long forgotten, so too will our story be relegated to a footnote, then fade on the parchment of time with each passing generation.
I pry upon the wind, hoping to hear her sweet voice one last time, a faint echo from the promise land as she whispers, "I now know he truly loved me". I imagine her weeping with the thought "how could I have been blind for all those years, we should have found paradise together". It was a leap of faith she was unable to take, inflected with an invisible wound, suffered alone in her cradle so many years ago, long before her happiness became the purpose of my life. Our special place by the lake will forever remain lost beyond the horizon and when she or I, the last of what was once “us” departs this worldly existence, no one will say, “They were in love and are together again”.
czcams.com/video/M1PortMR_bY/video.html
Omg, thank you. So very well captured my friend. You got me, I cried and cried for you and her - and me - I understand. Trust me, in her life review she received all your love. She knows. She's so grateful for every little thing you ever did. 💛
Thank you so much. I so very much feel the same after +6 months break up with my undiagnosed BPD wife.
Such sadness and despair.
Still trying to figure out if and how I could ever feel alive again.
@@EKODELELEhey hmu if you figure something out, it is so real.
This was the most beautiful and saddest thing I have ever read..maybe it wasn't up to you to save her, maybe she just wanted company as she wandered in the dark afraid to be all alone. Maybe you were only a totum for her to lean on when ever the load she carried got to heavy and she needed a rest. We can never be someone's everything..that is way too much pressure on us and you and same goes for it reversed. I'm sorry she wasn't able to quench her thirst. I hope you have her many poems about your life with her as this one, because gestures as these are priceless. We appreciate the little things that show we are on your mind more than anything else. We just don't want to be forgotten. I'm sure if you provided her with these beautiful poetic gestures that she still has them and reads them daily. I know I would. You are a good man, you are now free..find your forever oasis
Find out if you have NPD (traits) yourself. I'm in the same boat and on your side so don't get me wrong.
I don't have BPD but I am in therapy for PTSD and ongoing support for ASD. This is how my new therapist is. The first time he asked, "What can I do to help you right now?" was so *new* that it shocked me out of the crying jag of despair I was in the middle of. I had never, in 25 years of therapy, heard those words come out of a therapists mouth. More importantly, he followed through and advocated for me to get the help I needed.
In this case, I had been trying to get the VA to send me to take a condition I have seriously and send me to a neurologist. He was able to get the ball rolling because he has the ability to put in a consult. I had to do do the rest on my own omce that happened.
This is so insightful. Thank you! I so wished I had this resource while my loved one was still living. (She died in her 90's of something unrelated and never got therapy for BPD.) I now see where I can learn so much for life in general from this presentation.
Just realised I do regulate my emotions some of the time by distracting myself - makes me feel encouraged to know that I do have some control when I'm triggered - not all of the time, but at least some of the time - it's a start and I feel empowered.
decreasing emotional vulnerability, reducing unnecessary emotional
suffering, and strategies for changing painful emotions over time.
Distress Tolerance skills help to reduce impulsive behaviors that likely lead
to further dysregulation. These skills include many strategies for surviving
crises, accepting reality, and tolerating distress in order to allow natural
change. Validation skills reduce one's own dysregulation (self-validation)
and improve relationships (validating others).
If it were not for my wife's love and understanding, I would be homeless or dead.
My wife’s case has become much more subtle over the years. Her personal devotion to God, as a Christian has played an enormous role in her emotional well being, as well as the loving affirmation of Christians, and it has helped me maintain my commitment to her. God has helped her overcome so much! She listens to a lot of Christian teachers, like Joyce Meyers who deals a lot with emotional healing and regulation. The healing Jesus Christ brings is worth hours of psychotherapy, and being in the presence of loving people can provide help with emotional regulation.
My wife’s mother was an extreme borderline case. When she moved out, her mom packed her bags and moved from Illinois to Florida without a single word, or so much as a goodbye. Years later, after I met her, she got hold of her address and we sent her an engagement picture, which she returned, with the picture cut up in pieces.
Thanks for the upload, btw. Although I had to be patient, I did find some helpful advice, and I appreciate her compassionate tone. There’s way too much stuff out here with derogatory and inflammatory characteristics.
If your public library has Hoopla, they have a number of books on the subject that you can check out.
Jim Dill / Beautiful share . Thank you & God bless 🙏🏻
Thank you for sharing. This warms my heart. Your wife is beautiful. She in an overcomer
A great title. So compassionate.
This is one of the best informative videos I have seen yet. Ty so much for sharing
Very instructive. I am not saying I all at once become a non judgmental person, but listening to this kind of conversations help. I appressiate it.
I'm married for almost 10yrs to a man with BPD. it has been the most difficult journey. I love him. he went away to prison b/c of addiction. he wasn't diagnosed with BPD until, I myself became a counselor. the only thing which has tamed him is the threat of loosing me and our family again, parole violation and the fact that he's 60yo. deep down I know he's a good person. he's just been afflicted for so long. love them. be patient and set boundaries. remind them that they drain energy but that u sympathize with them, but ultimately we will never know the living hell these folks go through.
Thank you for writing this. My husband and I have been married almost 20 years and he says my bpd is killing him. I have been doing DBT but somehow I manage to keep hurting him. He's been sleeping on the couch for over a week and says he's still not sure if he wants to leave because he loves me. My heart is so broken.
DV 8 I am also married to a man with Borderline Personality Disorder. And I am also a licensed counselor. I started to suspect he had BPD right before our wedding. Maybe a month before. He has gone to counseling, but he says it doesn't help. I have reached the point that I am prepared to file for divorce. We have been married less than a year and sometimes he is sweet as pie and other times he is a nightmare to be around. It's like he can only function on ultimatums. But I just never know what to expect next. He truly drains my energy.
It’s sad that you are now an unpaid therapist 24/7. It doesn’t matter that he’s a good person deep inside, he is unable to be a mature partner, not good marriage material.
Cameron - Let me guess BPD yourself?
@@60Singing let him go. It will hurt at the beginning but will get better after a few months for you and for it is better to live seperate. Writen by a man who lived with his ex bpd girlfriend for 3.5 years. Let him go. Let him be free. Thats what he wants deep inside he is just not capble of leaving you and its killing him slowly.
I have been diagnosed with BPD but I am nearly 50 now and have mellowed out quite a bit.I feel so bad that you are struggling with a spouse who has this disorder without much direction or help. I think that the treatment mode of DBT is the way to go. If you can get your wife to consider therapy with a DBT trained therapist this may be a start. But I am no expert. I sure wish you and your whole family the best.
Love that speaker. Brilliant lecture.
Self-compassion and patience is the solution. It is not easy, but it is doable.
It is doable when it is a friend, a family member however it becomes devastating to oneself when it is a romantic relationship.
The best treatment for the partner of a BPD is distance: run, do not walk to the nearest exit.
🥺 so sad but understandable.
This lady’s awesome !
As a person who studied this i think this woman takes a relational aspect to dealing with emotion dysregulation . very important because they hurt themselves and others. So adding skills to cope with feeling so bad. Kind of a Gerald adler approach more positive life experience that they can internalize and use.
I have just discovered that I had BPD and been diagnosed. Two years ago and I am still in a situation that isn’t ideal and having trouble getting away from unsafe people.
My 20 year old daughter was just diagnosed with BPD - it really started presenting in August and it has been a roller coaster 🥺
How I wish I could have found this info before my wife of 11 years had to file for divorce this last Jan. All because I didn’t know how to learn and use these tools from a place of care and compassion and love. I still have hope I can really learn these concepts and unique traits from the female side and create a reconciliation to bring our young family back together again but the stigma around this disorder and complete mis information to co-dependents like myself who were easily triggered to begin with from our own childhood trauma bonds, but we had the agency to show that empathy and care but made it all for not because we stayed defensive and went into the mud with them each time when all these wives needed from their fellow empath husbands was to just shut our big mouth and just FEEL and SEE her pain too. I’m Gutted, but I will maintain a ruthless loyalty and by God’s Provision, I am going to win her back the right way this time. Where she can actually say, now I feel in love for the first time with my partner, because she will be truly with her husband, the one he promised her he was in the beginning.
I feel this post. I’m divorced after 10 years and never learned how to respond to my wife. Now it’s too late. I’m hopeful that showing her I’m learning about her disorder will help bring us together again. I am also trying to prepare myself mentally that she will never return.
So, how did that work out for you? You get her back?
I feel completely at ease, currently seeing a girl who has it and it has kept me awake, crying and not eating.. through this video ive been able to truly understand how to communicate and am already seeing a better response... the most genuine video ive come across soo far, has given me soo much hope
For your own health and sanity, please leave that relationship. It's destroying you; it's kept you awake, crying and not eating. You can't save anyone with BPD. They need therapy for years and years to recover.
@@PlanetOfTheApes999 wow that’s really unkind and unhelpful. That person didn’t know how to help/support their loved one yet but they are learning to. You’re just projecting your own hurt and frustration onto total strangers.
@@ange7422 How is that unkind? I just encouraged this guy to protect himself from abuse by removing himself from a horrible situation. YOU are projecting your own hatred onto ME.
@@PlanetOfTheApes999 He’s not saying he’s crying or not eating. He’s saying that she isn’t. He’s not being abused, he’s in a difficult situation and didn’t know how to help her. It’s normal for people to lose sleep when their loved ones are ill or in pain. Saying he’s being abused when he said no such thing is the definition of projection. I hope that you find the healing that you need.
@@ange7422 Read his post again. It says HE is awake, crying and not eating.
Wonderful watched whole thing whole 2hrs thanks :D
im 33 years old and was misdiagnosed and just got the diagnosis november 2019 last year taking venlafaxaline high dose seroquel to stabalise my agression and paranois and mood, i have ocd as well, trying not to depend on my family and living with my parents have mass anxiety of separating from my mum and dad, hope you all safe hjappy and well,
Do you act differently with your friends than you do with your family? Like your family definately notices it but your friends could never guess?
"The first validation is staying awake". That's so funny, because at the moment she said that, I was trying to stay awake.
Thank you...
Good talk!!
Wonder how much these peoples hairstyles have changed... in these 9years.
Still a good talk!
Appretiated.
I have been in a 7 1/2 year commited relationship with a 54 year old woman with BPD, it's killing my inside.
So sad. What is hard to wrap your mind around is they have what they want but not able to "see" it.
The stress from dealing with the BPD temper tantrums, demanding attention 24x7 is exhausting. I acquired an autoimmune disease due to stress, anxiety. Contact worry about when the next tantrum will pop up
It affects you physically. It has permanently affected me.
Turns out my therapist had BPD and narcissistic traits. I trusted her and she completely screwed me over. Now I have to watch my back as she stalks me. Sounds so ridiculous I know, but sadly this is my reality.
Starts at 16:40
True hero
This is a very usefull & splendit lecture! Good job :)
borderlines are predators
Andrew Muir WHAT? BPD suffer from an unwanted uncontrollable disorder that has been misunderstood and misdiagnosed by professionals for years. I have BPD. I would never accuse you as being a predator. I do not know you or your situation or life's challenges. To group everyone with BPD with such an despicable label and judgment speaks more to your issues and personality. Don't waste your time on hate and anger. It isn't healthy.
Save yourself some time and watch a Dr. Ramini video.
Thank you. Thank all of you. I thought I was alone.
+Larry Mann Do you have BPD or were you in a relationship with a BPD?
I have
+Ichabod Crane I am also 42. and I also have bpd. I refuse to say I suffer from bpd, because it is those whom I love and who love me that have truly suffered. I want to fix it, to take it all back.
+Larry Mann Remember, we're emotional burn victims. Poke us and you get an extreme response. And when we suffer a huge emotional response, the logical side of our brain is sometimes clouded. Then the wrong thing comes out. If your family and friends really cared about you then maybe they should pick up a book on the subject. I've sent my sister books and links to youtube videos and she hasn't bothered looking over them. I can't force her to understand. Sometimes it's easier for them to think we're just lazy, and difficult. You can't fix what's happened..what's done is done. If I lose control I apologize for the behaviour and if should they decide to accept the apology, then so be it. It not, well then, so be it. Either way, I through educating others on the condition. As it is, this condition has consumed the first half of my life. My main concern now at this point is to learn how to live with this condition and live up to my full potential.
The woman I love, she bought me books on bpd, helped me set up therapy, the whole while I was afraid she was leaving.... Eventually, she gave up. I don't blame her, she went above and beyond and I couldn't see past my own fears and insecurities.
i love that brings up tumblr, as an emerging adult I see what she means about the self harming social effects
Great lecture
I'm here because of my 23-year-old step-daughter. I want to learn better methods for dealing with her extreme mood swings all day. I like peace and quiet, and it can make me very irritable which isn't good for anybody.
Good for you, keep learning and remember to really get all the books on it than you can (there is literally like 4 really excellent ones and thats about it!)
teach her about buddhism
Jesus is the Way, the Truth and the Life
Maybe you shouldn't be living with your stepdaughter, that's a bit dodgy ain't it?
@BPDemons Yep. It's very common.
I loved my ex so much, I even told him not to trust me one night. Our relationship fell apart after that.
I didn't even trust myself or knew what was going on in my head.
i feel you, i feel incapable of love. it all is ruined cuz of me
The basic principle of DBTis an intensive 6-8 week treatment with the client and all family members, which include the manuals, invidual therapy and family therapy and group therapy. There is usually separate support groups for family members which includes spouses and parents( and children) patients and family members are taught new ways to think
about and understand emotions and new strategies for managing them, including
( cont)
Loving someone with BPD?.......it's not possible. Run as fast as you can.....
A few months ago I would have disagreed but now I agree run away as fast as you can and don’t look back!!
All you need is love
I started dating this woman, within the first month of our relationship I learned that she had been married and divorced 3 times before aged 28, she had slept with 55 men, most of her relationships had been not longer than 6 months and prior to my b-day within that first 4 weeks she shared with me that she had a STD. I was so blinded by the LOVE bomb and co-dependancy that I ignored all these red flags. Months later she had already cheated on me, was always flirting with guys on social and i learned that she suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder and other mental health issues. Obviously within our time together, she was suicidal, the highest level of toxic abuse I have ever experience and overall hell.
Well, hopefully you realized soon enough, that because of her psychopathy, that she will never change, and you had left her for your on sanity and safety? It's just not worth the emotional, financial, mental, physical, sexual abuse, and the PTSD that follows, if you were to stay with her. Speaking from experience.
Yep! Ppl with BPD CANNOT love or accept any love. They are not capable. It is a fact. Part of why they can cheat without a care and why they leave and dont look back
Oh no.... how many women have you slept with? And, given the opportunity, how many would you have slept with? Just curious if you perhaps hold women to higher standards because you know we're superior is all 🤭🤣
@@jenandbarrys5580 She is mentally ill, suffers from an awful mental health disorder...Her hyper-sexuality, impulsiveness, unstable relationships, suici+al thoughts, etc, etc were clear traits of her disease...
1:44:55 Does anyone know the author she mentions here with the “problem solving therapy.” It sounds like Art Nasu?
yep, BPD sucks, traumatized by loving her. 15 years of marriage. She says it me and our 3 childrens fault and she left.... ..devastated in NC.
Oh hey I gave up on relationships along time ago. I don't think that's a fair summation of BPD. You are the victim? No you choose to love her. You didn't have to stay. She needs love compassionate kindness understanding not the blame for your break up. It was not her choice when she was traumatised as a child. She needs to learn to love the scared little girl she was. Well that's me anyways after a few months of counseling. Life is not easy and fault goes around way too easy. Why blame anything? It's kind mean. Maybe your a narcissist. Lol. Bjean
What an idiot who wrote that comment its not you’re fault if someone else has a behaviour problem.
I’m sorry you went through that. It’s been five years since this post so I hope you’re doing better now and further along your healing journey than you were back then.
It's crazy hard. You really need help with symptoms of the disorder and what's going on with your loved one.
@@bonniehaymaker4700 victim blaming, you have no idea why he went through. He probably experienced love bombing, splitting, triangulation and the whole symptom criteria without knowing her diagnosis - This is what happened to me. It Is manipulative and abusive, not all BPD are but it's partially stigmatized for a reason (not saying that's right either)
I have put 7 years into a relationship with someone that has bpb. After years of crying and pleading I don't know what else to do but leave. Maybe this can shed some light.
The Struggle is real :(
GOD, and i just watched this now! should have found this treasure long ago! now it's too late...But that was a great lecture Indeed! Gotta learn from mistakes!
Interesting exercise about listening and not listening.
This is terrific & insightful. I get the impression that these strategies are aimed at helping therapists, parents, siblings and friends of a BPD patients, but what about spouses. My wife is undiagnosed, and has put me and our child through hell. Are there strategies for us? If so at what cost? I'm struggling with the question of staying or leaving. I don't think my child could employ any of these techniques. What do you recommend for spouses?
If you were my son I’d say get out while you can, so you can offer stable environment for you and your child
@@Weightingtablesafter seem to have triggered you somewhat! Might be an idea to see where that comes from. Sad you’re so full of hate
@@Weightingtablesafter you don’t think the child is important and has a right to be able to be raised in a safe calm environment?
@@Weightingtablesafter yes agreed. If she will accept treatment. He was saying he and his child have been through hell, which is not helpful for any of them. My son had gfriend who refused treatment and almost finished him off and I was so grateful he managed to find some esteem and leave the abuse and then have treatment for the trauma of it all
We are all responsible for our own lives in my opinion and if you let someone abuse you, you in turn abuse them.
I co sided myself a highly compassionate person but the BPD in my life is impossible to please. I’m about to give up. I wish there was a BPD therapist in her north Texas town. 😢
You can try, but in the mind of someone with BPD, you will never have sacrificed as much as they've sacrificed for you. They're keeping score of a competition that's rigged against you from the start, since the love -- or time, energy, etc. -- that they receive always has a lower value than the love that they give (from their perspective).
um... individuation is the key to healing.
agreed.
The numerous12 step programs is enough for coffee etc etc.
does DBT even work? If so - for what time period?
DIALECTICAL BEHAVIORAL THERAPY - DBT - MARCIA M. LINEHAN
which is kind of a scam ... it does work, but ... what she's teaching already exists for 2500 years and is called buddhism; she's a fraud; she's selling buddhism as if she invented it; stay away from her!
@@MichielVanKets Even though what she says is based on Buddhism doesn't mean it is not helpful to people. She herself is a Buddhist, so I don't think she is pretending to have invented the concepts she is sharing.
My very dysfuctional family basically let any member just self destruct instead of assisting, validating, supporting, guiding to therapy.....
Sad, that some think that adversity .....rapes, Clinical Depression, PTSD, BPD, Bipolar..... in teen years is normal and the afflicted ones must just "buck up."
this woman is uncapable of giving a presentation
My wife, we have a son 9 year old. It has been absolute hell. I tried to introduce to her that she has BPD. All hell broke loose. Can't wait when my boy turns 18. I will leave on his 18th birthday
Unless someone can help me, to explain to her about BPD. I am convinced she has it. I was looking for solution online and when i found it. I was amazed, how accurate her behaviour was towards BPD. Bang on. How can i tell her, when she doesn't see it.
Best thing you can do is set boundaries. Make a list of all the challenges that you are dealing with. Decide what ones you can manage and what ones you need professional help to manage. Explain to your spouse you will no longer deal with the professional help list alone you will reach out for help. Basically set boundaries and consequences and do it in a calm time.
@@marymackinnon14 Thank you. This usually does work for a few days. Then out of nowhere, all of a sudden, something sets her off. Sometimes it gets so unreasonable i can't believe my ears.
What if alcohol is involved? How much more difficult a challenge if there is an addiction?
Yes which often there is. Good question i need to hear the answer to that too
Adhd and Bpd both have emotional dysregulation is that true?
Or with adhd you are much more able to put on the brakes
Great lecture, too bad about the sound system.
When my daughter is in a bad mood she takes it out on me, And she says mean things about me.
I suggested to get stop walking on eggs shells book and start working on your understanding.
Are you having bpd?
Your an idiot
Great talk, but I feel like she's trying to channel Marsha Linehan. She sounds exactly like her.
Validation is NOT agreeing with their abuse.
💔😢
I act the same with everyone. I have aspergers. my gf have chronic fatigue. and I feel she has this I think. it's hard. to deal with. she takes everything I say as negative.. when I say I'm not happy she says there is nothing I can do. so feel lost feel like she does not get me. she uses my past against me and our past alot. she has no time for me. and only see her when she says. if I'm good at something she puts me down. I boost her all the time with positive reinforcement. but does not do anything. she said in beginning she does not feel good enough for me. and I said don't be silly. now I feel like she put a face on in beginning and now is different. up and down. me with aspergers I can't cope.
Run.
you are a human that needs love too, and you need to be loved HOW you feel you should be loved. these people cannot and will not ever show you the love they selfishly demand from you.
i was madly in love with my BPD ex gf for 3 years. she cheated on me, lied, manipulated me, and claimed to do it in the name of love and that it was my fault.
despite all that I still care about her but If i dont look out for myself, who will? they cant see passed themselves, and never will. hardest thing i had to do in my life was let go and cut off someone whom i thought id be with until i died.
words of advice, start loving yourself and getting healthy. Let her go.
+MillionShadesofDarkness I guess I better run. before it really damages my health. my partner who has bpd but he will never see it 😡
Sam Jane He will have to want to change, for himself. Until he hits the lowest rock bottom imaginable, he will never become self aware enough to take responsibility for the damage he causes. My ex was the very exact same way.
If you stay with one as long as i did, you will come out of the relationship with a mild PTSD. Some get meds to deal with it, i didnt. Took me 5 months to get back to myself, but let me tell you it is totally worth it.
Also, your bpd wont ever truly leave you. They always try to come back bc to them you arent a living, breathing, person- youre an object that serves them. Its not as cruel as it sounds, but suffice it to say- its never about *you.*
If i had not made the decision for myself to leave my ex, we would still be on/off right now. In fact she has still been calling and texting me since the break up, with the most recent being yesterday. Thats 7 months of radio silence from me and shes STILL at it.
Yes I do believe he will pursue me and I have considered moving states. Im afraid he may even die when I leave him as he cant take care of himself, but that is a price he will have to pay. Tonight I had to cancel the restaurant reservation I made for valentine's day because he was angry about something he thought I did/didnt do. This happens nearly every week. I think I maybe becoming desensitized as it doesnt hurt so much anymore. It did give me a headache tho. Thank you for your advice. I guess its inevitable I will leave it's just a matter of when.
Sam Jane sorry about the valentines day dinner having to be canceled.
But yes, the cycle will never stop. Why do you say he would die if you left?
Bad volume with my hearing disability..😏
I want to give up loving this person. I am tired.
so do i. i’m exhausted and he doesn’t understand that.
Drama & chaos as standard with borderlines.. Avoid & be safe. DBT is not a cure & does not work for all!!! One life live it well without being abused.
we aren’t all abusers moron
@@alexamarchant4539 right. You think I don't wish my bpd partner wasn't abusive?
This was so boring and took too long to get to the point.
A narcissist can turn anyone into behaving like a Borderline, just saying.
56:50 "emotions shed electrons" "the air gets electrified" lol wutttt
Approx 50 mins in it sounds like she totally contradicts what she’s saying about validating and normalising. I’m really confused by what she’s suggesting to do vs not do. One moment she says to successfully validate people by saying “of course you feel like that because of what happened to you” and then she seems to say shortly after, that that is NOT validating and don’t say it. I trust what she says is meant to make sense! But it sounds nonsensical to me. I’ve listened back to it three times now. Any clarifIcation from anyone watching?
Any chance you can share where the non validation is talked about??
I have bpd (high functioning) and I'm in therapy for more than two years now. I've been together with my wife for 15 years and after going to therapy I realized how she gaslighted and manipulated me all this time because of her own trauma. I always felt like it was all my fault. Like I don't love her enough, that I'm too rejective (I sometimes need personal space and I'm not a big fan of hugs), that I am the one who is guilty and too emotional - and that's just because she never ever expresses her anger openly (only in passive aggressive manner), she clings to me so much (sometimes I feel like she watches me, like in a second she swallows me), she keeps touching me when I ask not to. I understand that she has her own childhood trauma of rejection, but it is so hard for me to deal with this... sometimes it is so hard that I feel trapped and desperately want to run away anywhere. But to be honest, I don't have a place to go... and we also have a dog that I love so much. Sometimes when it's unbearable I'm wondering how I could love her at all - as the only emotions I feel at that time is hate and anger - and then I feel heartbroken and so scared. We are probably the perfect pair for a perfect dysfunctional family. And her trauma is definitely making things worse with my own recovery. Sad story of my life :(
I feel for you so much, I don't have BPD myself, my partner of 6 years does. i've been spending the last two weeks learning as much as possible about it because I'm trying to repair the love of my life and I's current situation.
It's so much work.
lately my partner hasn't really been wanting to be touched, kissed, or be intimate. I can't pinpoint why things are how they are now, but she's definitely in a bad spot, she knows it hurts me too, but it seems nothing I do can make things better.
I hope things end up all right for you.
I was diagnosed at 19, at a time when bpd was a 'vague' term. I'm now 52....and can honestly say I've had a terrible life, and that it doesn't get better. Coping skills are ultimately a mask. I have become a burden. The ultimate shame. I do not intend to reach 55
try buddhism
Alison Lee hey, listen... I’ve heard so much on CZcams that isn’t true... most people are not compassionate about people with our kinds of issues, and some of them are just downright mean. Create your own world if you can. Try to surround yourself with things that matter. Stick around for sheer curiosity...Christ knows that’s the only reason I’m still here so far. Think about it, when we were kids-did you ever think you would be seeing people smoking electronic cigarettes?? And the internet...so much uplifting info out there if you look for it. Trust me, sometimes I’m reduced to watching funny cat videos for hours because I feel so much like crap. Yes, I’ve tried to off myself so many times... and luckily I haven’t done permanent damage. I’ve lived with overwhelming thoughts and emotions for most of my life. Through the years with a hell of a lot of practice, I’ve realized that I don’t need to hurt myself or die... even if people tell me that outright to do so... try to live in the moment, a minute at a time if you need to. F**ck the thoughts in your head that make you feel badly about yourself because they are bullsh*t lies. There is beauty out there in the world, unfortunately people with our kinds of issues need to look harder to find it. It sucks, but it’s a fact. Notice the bad thoughts are bullsh*t lies and DONT sell yourself short. I know this is a long rant... but I want you and everyone else like us know that once you put the lights out, that’s it... yes, you will be away from the pain of life, but the beauty will go with it... FACT: you will be dead someday... we all will be...the pain will end...all I’m saying is try not to rush it...
Alison Lee, please say you're feeling better...
YAHUSHUA SAVES. THE GREAT DELIVERER
Are you still there? Try meditation you need to find peace within.
1 hour 54 minutes she talk about the wise mind. And the bubble above her head and how she can get it to come out of her mouth. The subconscious runs at two bus data bits per second. The frontal cortex runs at three to four data bits per second. We thinks at 800 words per minute. We speak at 125 words per minute. Here we can see where the bottleneck comes from.
Smoking probably helped her that was the least of the worries
I can not say this in public
unsafe for me
My ex was? Not me.
1:21:51
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This seems like advice for therapists.
Sophia Paulekas / It is, she teaches therapists. But the points are all valid ..and useful to anyone who can understand. I use what I learn to counsel myself & other people in daily life.
I
Miss Merry Berry has n
MThank lookin kinkon
Go no contact.
LovIng someone with BPD = JUST DON'T
I would rather be alone and have mindfulness than "Walk on eggshells" around a TOXIC person.
I value myself ..NOTHING wrong with that.
As you get older you become less tolerant of fools, assholes, and toxic people in general.
i have borderline
Congrats ;-)
Sorry but extreme cases they do manipulate, my wife cut her arms with my son in the house, lied about it, after i caught her having affairs, she doesnt even remember lying about any if it till i got proof, then said she heard my voice in her head, cheated with an obscene amount of men and it was like i wasnt even her husband anymore.
@Nader's salad whiskey thank you for your input.
Never going to try loving someone who has this disorder ever again. Waste of time that ends in them trying to kill you in your sleep. This is B's. Run away while you can
Shari is truly an awesome person, but this advice is pretty hard to follow if you're in a relationship with a person who has BPD. I really hate to say it, but even attempting to set a limit with a person with BPD is likely to explode in your face. You'll be seen as the most evil person on earth and likely written off for good. You either do exactly as the person with BPD says you should do, or you're worth less than dirt to that person.
It may feel that way, and may even be that way for some, but not everybody with BPD is the same.
I have no problems with such limits.
apple butter I just experienced this, my BPD bf looks at me as evil, and completely shut me out of his life 7 months ago. Horribly devastating. He flat out refuses to get help. Blames everyone else and deflects all issues and problems on everyone else, he takes no accountability for anything. Shattered me... but I'm healing and after taking a healing course w/workbook to work thru devastating emotional trauma caused from the relationship, I'm finally feeling ok again. Not something I would want to ever go thru again. Far to painful.
apple butter I just experienced this, my BPD bf looks at me as evil, and completely shut me out of his life 7 months ago. Horribly devastating. He flat out refuses to get help. Blames everyone else and deflects all issues and problems on everyone else, he takes no accountability for anything. Shattered me... but I'm healing and after taking a healing course w/workbook to work thru devastating emotional trauma caused from the relationship, I'm finally feeling ok again. Not something I would want to ever go thru again. Far to painful.
Who knows? She's diagnosed and receiving treatment for BPD and knowing her as well as I do, BPD fits better than Narcissism.
I also can't say that I always set boundaries in a validating way. I honestly did my best and went over it in therapy.
One thing I'd say about that is not all people feel hurt when you set a boundary. I recently had a friend set a boundary with me when I was saying things he found insulting. He didn't say it in a careful, measured way. He even called me a few names and said some mean things he later took back. But I knew instantly that I had violated that boundary and I apologized for it right away. I didn't feel hurt that he set the boundary and truly felt like an idiot for not realizing I was crossing the line in the first place. I felt bad that I had put him in a position where he'd have to react that way.
Not just saying this to you, but anyone who's reading it; it's your boundaries that need validation, not the feelings of the person who is violating them.
Agree. They project onto you and blame everything on you.
What I’m hearing is.. marrying or dating someone with BPD is a lifetime sentence of emotional labor.
Yep. pretty much.
Then don't date one of us. Simple. You won't be missed.
Everyone has something they're dealing with in one way or another, however if someone's dating or married to someone who's struggling with BPD, and they feel they've been sentenced to a lifetime of emotional labor, then maybe they shouldn't be dating or married to them with such a negative, selfish perspective. Loving someone with BPD can be difficult, a life sentence is a punishment and emotional labor is a burden, so it would be best if someone felt this way to help the person with BPD by allowing them the opportunity to find someone who doesn't see them in that kind of negative light.
But who doesn’t have some sort of mental illness nowadays ? I mean honestly think to yourself have you met someone that doesn’t have something ? Autism , bipolar , depression ? Anxiety ? BPD ? NPD ?? i swear over 75 % of humans have some sort of mental health condition as a result of childhood trauma . I can just look in my family , friends or myself and realize this .
@@About36Greekss
Nah. BPD is horrible to deal with in people. Its a bomb waiting to blow up, especially when they finally fully villanize you and leave you forever, blaming it all on you and taking no responsibility for the horrible things theyve done to you such as cheating and lying
Hard to hear. Sorry
They were not saying, “this is our best treatment, let’s do it.” They were wild eyed and power crazed and wanted to put whatever ridiculous treatment ideas that popped into their heads to the test, thinking they were right and they’d be rewarded with prizes and riches and accolades. Yeah, some of this is trial and error, and hypothesis and test, and figuring stuff out, but a lot of it is people that have no clue what they’re talking about and less what they’re doing and just playing around and hoping for the best. I think most of this psychiatric shit is a quack free for all. It’s fads and crazes. The diagnose du jour feeds the pop therapeutic remedy of the day. Do no harm?
She can't believe that people w/BPD could ENJOY a crisis? Ask an ER doc how alive they feel compared to doing the job of an internist, how much their job allows them to forget that their marriage is painfully failing, and how everyone around them seems so vibrantly alive during an emergency and so dull when they are slow at work. Experiencing a crisis appears to have short-term benefits for people who struggle with regulation. I could go on, but I don't think I need to. Perhaps she doesn't understand BPD as much as she thinks she does.
Have you lived with someone who has been diagnosed with this personality disorder?
Yes
Yes...My Borderline Mother...enough said.