I will check the video tomorrow. But I'll say ahead: Please never refer to women as "females". It's objectifying and derogatory way of addressing women if it is used outside of very narrow scientific/medical context and it mostly appears in documentation, not when speaking to and about people. It's all across the internet these days in which sexistic people specifically say "female" to women (or they misgender trans men and non-binary ppl in this manner) in order to objectify and disrespect. It is OK to write "Autism in women" and then clarify "this can include trans men and non-binary people" in the video. A medically inclusive term often used is "people with uterus" but this is likely not a case where the differences are due to sex, but rather due to gender norms affecting how we're socialised and allowed to express ourselves. You can avoid the whole ordeal by using a title like "How sexism affects Autism diagnosis" or "Gender gap in autism diagnosis", too. I might adjust what I wrote after watching the video tomorrow, to some extent. I just needed this clarified in general first, so I can calmly go to sleep.
How do I get my partner to understand autism they seem to not understand it and I don't know what to do. I'm so frustrated cause I feel like I have to change for them or hide myself in a way so they accept me. Because they say autism is just an excuse. I don't like masking all the time it's exhausting. I'm not sure what to do I need some help getting them to understand.
@Venomskye00 Please stop masking and adjusting. You deserve a partner that is willing and working to understand the limitations your autism gives you in daily life. Only be with people that make you happy and only do things that make you happy. You deserve a joyfull and loved life. Lots of love, me
I think the propensity for females with autism to excel at social masking as opposed to autistic males is due to our cultures demand that women do more of the "social" work.
Not only that but females' brains and physiology are predisposed to excel in social interaction. It's true of every woman, it's genetic and doesn't have that much to do with culture. There aren't many extreme antisocial women because they genetically have a bonus-boost into socializing behavior that men do not have. So even when a woman is antisocial she is still more social than a majority of antisocial men.
In my family, my brother was allowed meltdowns and his sensory issues catered to, while if I was to show any emotion or have a negative reaction to something as the oldest girl, I was punished. So my lived experience agrees with your assessment lol
@@babsbunny_ Sooooooo.......what are you saying? That it was unfair that your brother's neurological differences were acknowledged and allowances were made for the behaviors that he could not control?
@@kristinedoty7876 She's saying that her brother was allowed to express his autistic needs, while she was not. I'm assuming from context here that they're both autistic or at the very least ND. However it's hard to say if it's a male/female expectation divide, or possibly due to being the oldest child. "Oldest" children tend to be held to stricter and tighter standards than younger siblings, particularly the youngest. The age difference between children matters, the age of the parents matters (were they young, inexperienced? how much did they know about mental illness?), the individual behaviors matter (ability to mask, coping skills, stims & triggers, level of care needed), as well as how much parenting experience the parents had.. I'm rambling at this point; Basically there's a lot of factors involved so we can't really make any clear-cut judgement calls from the outside. We've learned so much about neurodivergence even in just the past 10 years, a lot of information was not nearly as readily available especially if somebody has/had older parents or those who perhaps weren't so understanding. Something that a lot of people don't consider is that perhaps.. their parents struggle too but these things "didn't exist" when they were kids or they were shrugged off and so they experienced a lot of negative reinforcement to sit down, shut up, do what everyone else is doing. These doesn't absolve them of poor behavior, we are all responsible for our own actions regardless of our level of ability, mental or physical. But just some food for thought. :)
It is. Women are conditioned from an early age to put up with invasive boundary violations. I got in trouble for fighting back against intrusive boundary crossers. I didn’t care. I beat up a PE teacher that was forcing girls to change in front of her, going as far to have the bathroom stall doors removed. That was the final straw for me. I was late to her first period class, so she decided to punish me in Gym. She made me run for an 1 1/2. I was a long distance runner. I decided to start running backwards and calling her homophobic slurs (I have nothing against LGBTQ people) because I knew it would provoke her. She took the bait and hit me. I drug her across the asphalt and kicked her ass. I was permanently removed from public schools, even though the principals and my teachers stood up for me and demanded the firing of the teacher. I lost. I went on to Christian schools. They had zero problems with how I handled the situation. Go figure. They weren’t so thrilled when I turned that righteous anger on them for the same crimes. I never finished high school. I made near perfect scores on my ACT’s and every college was calling and offering me admission afterwards. I have 2 BS, a MBA, and a MD, but I don’t have a GED or a HS Diploma. I used to walk on my tippy toes and still do sometimes😂.
I thought I was the only one who does that. I was talking to my counselor about that and how I'm constantly masking even at home when I'm alone. It is like I don't even know who I am without some mask on and so many people around me know I'm not capable of relaxing.
@@v3ru586 iiiiinteresting. I suppose it makes sense on the social rules thing and possible difficulty on reading the body language cross-culturally. I know there can be a lot of overlap between autism and trauma. Perhaps you're struggling with cptsd. I know a lot of my lack of sense of self and constant hypervigilence stems from childhood abuse. Dunno if that'll help or not, but I hope we can all figure out how to be as healthy as possible.
It is important to note that it's not just an aversion to eye contact, but also an issue of "I don't know how much eye contact is the 'correct' amount" so autistic women, who are under a ton of pressure to mask their autism without even knowing they're autistic, will learn to "make eye contact" despite the discomfort, but may have no idea how much is the correct amount and may actually stare directly into someone's eyes for "too long," making allistic people feel uncomfortable anyway.
@@sarahjensen2473I've had SO many creepy dudes say they could tell I was attracted to them & their "proof" was all masking! I'd only done those things because I was trying to appear polite and neurotypical.
@@LilChuunosuke yes, 'standard' eye contact is more intermittent, you flick your gaze back and forth. In general you more look at someone's overall face than literally the eyes. Intent and prolonged eye-to-eye contact is only a thing either in a personal confrontation (trying to assert dominance by 'staring down' the other person), or in intimate situations. If a woman makes direct eye contact with a man for more than a few seconds, it will be perceived as a sign of sexual interest.
Yep, many of us grew up with being aggressively ordered to look at people when they talk to us and they believe not doing so equals not listening, you then get people mad at you for staring, then you get those who see you being 'polite and listening' as hanging on to their every word and being in awe of them, many of these people are creeps.
I have always had difficulty with eye contact. I've trained myself in eye contact. I remember as a child in school, the teachers would aways write on my report cards that I did not pay attention - but I absolutely did pay attention and had the grades to prove it. As far as how long I now make eye contact, not long. I hold it as long as I can and then look away. As long as I can may be a few or several seconds at a time. When meeting people, I've trained myself to do proper eye contact and greetings. People know me as friendly and outgoing, but I make the effort.
Absolutely. Sadly the mask has been slipping more and more as time goes on though, and I've been having issues at work, mostly because of it. It's really frustrating and stressful. I'm hoping I can get diagnosed and get help with getting into classes so I can get a different job. Goodness knows I can't keep going with what I have now, especially since they keep throwing me in front of customers.
I have a roommate that can't eat most Foods due to texture issues it also doesn't help that he was born smell blind. He can't taste more complex flavors so things such as Umami freaks him out.
Masking is something I have expelled at. My parents had a small retail shop. When I had to start waiting on people at age 12, I nearly died every time. My mom explained it was just acting and that I was to make "meaningful transient relationships" to make people want to buy more and return. I worked in retail off and on over my lifetime ( I am in my 70's) and have always been tops in sales.but eventually, it would fall apart and I needed to hide out for a time. Hours to days. I am perceived as a very outgoing person but really I am not but know how to act that way.
That's exactly what I do! I learned to treat going out in public, jobs, college, etc like playing a role, or "wearing many hats". I started behaving in ways that I perceived most people would like or find endearing (since I'm a woman). Which is why it would be awful when something came up that I wasn't prepared for, because it's like I could feel myself floundering and I'd freeze up, sirens going off like "ABORT! ABORT! ABORT!". Unfortunately if it was a situation that pushed me or I couldn't escape easily from I'd end up behaving reactively in my instinctive fight/flight/freeze response. In customer service it would take everything I had to not cry on the spot (I'm an angry crier, but also struggle to handle anger/disapproval directed at myself due to childhood trauma). Luckily though, most jobs I've had have been understanding and let me take 15-30 mins to cool down and get the emotions out. I've had people describe me as "ditzy and friendly" which I suppose is far from the worst thing I could be called. :)
@@patmanchester8045 I have also found sales to be fulfilling. It is a role with established parameters where the salesperson is in charge. It's not the customers that are a problem for me, it's the coworkers.
I relate to your comment. Follows my job path, I worked as a waitress and then sales, but I'm very introverted. Everything I learned about getting on w people, I learned from watching TV.
@@stayhoney6863 I remember being called up to write the days of the week on the chalkboard. I think I was in the fifth grade. I had never really learned them and the teacher needed to guide me through them. Same with telling time, I just had never absorbed it. So one day I sat down in front of a clock and taught myself.
Autism is literally only a "disorder" when someone has a problem with it. The rest of the time it's just a minority genetic trait like blue eyes. So if that girl is Autistic but the teacher doesn't have a problem with her behaviour and nobody cares how much stress the girl herself is experiencing in that environment, can you even diagnose a disorder there?
A lot of ND's are actually good at the arts. Which is why it's so ironic that as soon as someone hears you are autistic they immediately tell you to go work in tech. Er....no. I'm a visual artist.
I've recently been diagnosed with Autism (aged 35) and eye contact is very difficult for me because, on a sensory level, it is very 'intimate'. I can hold better eye contact with people I've known (and trusted) for a long time, as long as I don't 'think' about it too much (lol). As the old saying goes, "eyes are the windows to the soul", and I actually find it unusual that neurotypicals would be so trusting and careless in letting strangers into their souls. It's essentially a defence mechanism for protection.
Yes!! I have to know someone for a long time and trust them to look into their eyes On my end, if I really look into someone's eyes, I feel like I get distracted, sucked in, lose my train of thought and can't think or speak coherently anymore. I'm swimming around in them. Which is ok in the bedroom, but that's about the only place So if it's a stressful situation, or random stranger, or anyone I KNOW is trying to hurt me, forget the eye contact. I need to keep my wits about me. And I don't want to look into evil And if I feel like that, I wonder if THEY can see deeply into me too. I don't want to let just anyone in. It's like the line from Avatar, I see you.
I'm exactly the same. "Very intimate," that's the perfect explanation of how eye contact feels with strangers! For so long, I've felt that something is wrong with me because I get so uncomfortable with eye contact, especially with men, for some reason.
Diagnosed at 65! I am so ackward, and never know how long or short I should look into someones eyes! Its always either too much and I make the person uncomfortable, or its too short, and I don't know where to look after.
Another problem in the past, in misdiagnosing women, at least in the U.S., is what i call the 2 minute psych eval where the psych pops her head in the door for 2 minutes and looks you up and down head to foot and pronounces you have anxiety or OCD and takes no childhood history, uses no ASD diagnostic instruments, and the only thing that natters to the psych is clocking as many 2 minute evals as possible in one day, every day to afford her mega mansion. This is a real problem.
This is why I took my son to an actual neuropsychologist. The regular psychiatrist at the local mental health clinic wouldn't even see him unless we were there to get medication. The Nurse practitioner there just gave a simple diagnosis of social anxiety without even talking directly to him.
@@802sti yeah how they would know what meds he needs. Sounds like the just want to see as many people as possible and push any drug to earn profits. You can't tell from a few second glance
@@802sti I've been trying to get a diagnosis, and the questions the psychiatrist keeps asking indicates to me that she wants to call this social anxiety. I see the social anxiety as only one part of a broad matrix of unusual behaviour/experience.
I hate tense anything. I have to look up spoilers, I have to know if something ends happy, I have to fast forward people being mean to each other. I would prefer to see someone get shot in a movie, than to see people be mean and vicious to each other.
Retired nurse here. This is the same across all healthcare sectors with women. It’s only because of women becoming doctors that this has changed. They used to lock us up for “hysteria” which was period related. These are the types of things that the women’s movement was about, equality.❤
I have meltdowns when I hurt myself, kicking my small toe in a door, for example. I can start punching walls, picking at my hair while screaming... It's terrible.
Good grief. I have been fighting for a diagnosis for 15 years. Constantly being told that pills would cure my depression. Or, just go to a psychologist. 15 years later. On a pension. Every time I asked whether I was autistic, told, nah. Women don't get it. The doctors certainly hadn't gotten it! Your list floored me. I have every single thing ,including the tip toe walking! I was so happy. Thank you for me! ❤
I am currently in this position right now. I have been told my whole life that girls and women don't get things like ADHD and autism or anything, and that those that do have stuff like that are literally insane and need to go into a mental hospital.
As a woman with ASD and currently looking for an ADHD diagnosis, I find that the ASD can naturally hide some of the ADHD symptoms and tendencies (and vice versa). I've been watching ADHD content and I'm loosing track of the number of times I think to myself "Thank goodness for the autism, otherwise this would be much, MUCH worse!".
I was diagnosed at 50. I can look people in the eye. Don't have a monotone voice. Love true crime dominates my podcast. Masking is exhausting. I have learnt to let meltdowns happen. Music calms me down. Really loud music causes me to curl up and cover me ears. I don’t tiptoe walk.
I'm early 50s, still not diagnosed but began suspecting I was autistic and adhd a few years ago. I'm almost the same, but my reading material tends to historical romance and actual history (ordinary peoples lives, not so much kings and wars). I also do medieval re-enactment. Yes to music, but not the 150 beats per minute metal my ex liked.
@@cmauro7912what if you just can’t help it though… meltdowns in autism are so overwhelming and we don’t deliberately intend to upset others like our neighbours when they happen… they just happen and it’s so very scary 😢😢
@@cmauro7912please don’t condemn us for our autistic traits and the way that we express them… we truly do not mean any malicious intent. It’s incredibly challenging to be autistic and the very last thing we need is to feel like others are condemning us
I was just diagnosed with type 1 autism. My whole life I’ve masked my symptoms. Everyone thinks I don’t have it and I think that’s just the stigma with autism. I’ve struggled with communication and it’s hard for me to connect with people. I really want friends but because of lack of trust and judgement of being “rude” it’s hard so I avoid people.
I find it harder as I age to communicate without being rude. I had a friend as an adult who loved my “ one liner spot on comments.” Now at 74 I work more at being me and have dropped a lot of masking thus reducing anxiety and antidepressants .
I am a woman in my 60. I have not been diagnosed as on the spectrum, but this really makes me want to follow up with a professional. I was diagnosed with OCD in my 40s, and treatment has been life-changing. It was at that time a friend suggested I may have autism. I call daytime masking operating under an assumed personality. Autism would explain my entire life.
I took some of the self tests available online. At 68, I figured out that I'm autistic. Which explained so much to me. I don't plan on getting an official diagnosis. I know who I am. 99% of people I know don't believe me. They know I'm weird. One friend said I just like labels. Whatever!! 🙄
@@ritarevell7195 Embrace the weird! I was called eccentric in my 20s. I am also introverted but at this point it has become easier to engage in conversation with strangers. I have a job that uses my strengths and co-workers who are also a little weird in their own ways.
I got an OCD diagnosis in my thirties. Medication made a great deal of difference straight away, but I was burning out by that time. I think girls were less expected to act out when we were young. I can remember making myself sick with worry when I was invited to a party because I didn't want to go. + it was out of my routine and I wouldn't know how to interact with the kids at a party. Used to cry in front of the whole class if the teacher told me off, less because I was wrong about something but because everyone was looking at me, and the teacher would call me ' pathetic'. Yet I worked ( and generally) loved, working as a tour guide at major attractions - but that was a performance, I was very aware of putting on a ' tour guide's hat'. I don't know if I am autistic but I do have some traits, especially in the sensory issues
@@evelynwilson1566 This sounds so familiar. I was fortunate to have a few really good teachers who knew how to handle the differences. One in particular stands out when a classmate laughed at me for not answering a question. The teacher simply said everyone can miss something sometimes. As for the OCD, medication helps me recognize what is happening so I can handle it and reign in my response. Meds don't stop it, but help me reason it through.
@evelynwilson1566 I worked in nursing for years. So I learned to make eye contact, and I picked up a great deal of information about my patients by using intuition and skills of being able to walk into the room of a complete stranger and conducting examinations and interviewing people--like you said it was a role or a performance that I was doing. Otherwise, I would have been too uncomfortable if the autistic me was doing this.
Masking in social settings for me makes me be "on." I chatter, make people laugh (I'm a good story teller), connect with their experiences by offering some of my own, etc. I enjoy myself, but afterwards I am exhausted and don't want any social interactions for as long as I can decently avoid them. In my lifetime I've only had one or two friends that I felt I could just be with and not have to perform. With everyone else, when I don't switch on the mask, I am always asked "What's wrong?" - or - "Are you OK?" or worst of all - "Have I offended you?"
I know a girl who went to see about a diagnosis but the doctor dismissed her concerns because she was supposedly making good eye contact. What the doctor didn't understand is she was forcing herself to make eye contact for the sake of "normalcy".
As a child I remember hearing someone say Autistic children cannot make eye contact and from that point on I made additional effort to do so. Mostly I focus on a point between the eyes, or an eyebrow, or an eyeball. Often i'll get lost in thought at what I'm looking at. And I find direct eye contact incredibly intimate. I've often been accused of staring. I'm I cannot hear expression, nor can I replicate it. When I'm excited about something, my volume increases. My younger self was right into Dean Koontz - I had to buy every book, and know everything inside out. Now it's cars, weather real or remote. Often told I go on and on and on about my special interests, often bore people to death about it.
I am a flea market freak. I find the weardest, amazing things you can imagine. And I never have just one of them.. ..oh dear! I love old things, good material, nice handcraft, quality and also funny things. I made a Konmari round six years ago, that was good. Gave myself the promise just to let a thing in when another one goes, I fail quite often. 😂 I love to sit at home and look at them, nicely arranged. They all have a soul.
They have a soul because they are handmade. Machine made mass produced things have no soul. It's in the aura. Soul has colour. Mass produced have an extended auric field of some sort but no colour.
Diagnosed at 62. I can do eye contact if necessary but no longer force myself often. Excellent masker 24/7. Takes at least 7 days all alone in a cabin out in the middle of nowhere before I can relax. Have relaxed at least 4 times in my life. Was a heavy tip toe walker that used to spring with every step. Years of not being able to afford custom footware (quad E wide duck feet🙄) has destroyed toe walking as every step is always painful but I have years of practise at ignoring it. I cannot do intense movies or books. I prefer fantasy which I read my favorites over and over to relax. Excellent video. Thank you❤
the rates may actually be closer to 1:1 because there has been a historic bias in identifying autism in males; females tend to have what would be considered more 'socially acceptable' special interests, mask more, and their traits aren't as apparent to the rest of society as it is in males
I think part of it is that traditionally women stayed at home and unless she wanted to, wasn't expected to interact with others where men were expected to work hense having to interact with others even when it wasn't a public facing position, they still had to interact with the boss and co-workers, vendors,etc.
I'm 35f. I've struggled my whole life with anxiety/depression/ocd/ptsd/bpd/adhd. Doctors never bothered looking beyond depression when I was first diagnosed. THANK YOU ♡ I hit myself in the head when I can't handle things any more. I really thought I was just fucked on the head. This is such a relief. I've hated myself my whole life and struggled terribly. Thank you for describing this ❤ I'm so glad this video was suggested.
As a female who is on the spectrum and ADHD myself. And also a Reiki practitioner it’s very common for people on the spectrum to be light workers and gravitate towards energy work. Also to be empathic so making eye contact with someone in case you don’t know activates your kundalini energy in the body. That’s why you can start to feel them. You’re literally connecting with them energetically. And autistic people are more sensitive to this.. Also, is someone who used to be into true crime when I was younger, but once I started to understand the impact of media that you consume a music, you listen to and how it affects your body and your chakra system I would definitely recommend anybody that’s into that to please find a new Interest. It’s not healthy for you to indulge in that type of media. It makes people fearful anxiety ridden, and it’s just not good for the psych.. it makes you think that the world is a bad place, and when in reality it’s not.
For me, watching true crime stuff is a way to process & better understand all the trauma that I've endured. I tend to exhaust a specific dynamic, & once I "get it," move on to a different aspect of true crime. Ironically, this has actually helped me with my cPTSD because full understanding of why/how/when/what has happened to me actually allows me to finally let it go. But the rest of my world is full of healthy stimuli. 🤓
I love how fast you talk. It’s on par with how fast I talk. It’s nice bc the faster the data is presented, the quicker I can process it. Plus it’s just a comforting vocal speed for me.
@@TriciaStewart84 same here. I saw someone else mention that they adjust the video speed on slower talkers. I didn't know that was possible until I read that.
I’m a 47 year old female… it’s only been in the last couple of years that I have been looking into this on my own and I truly think I’m a “high functioning” autistic adult. And that really pisses me off to no end because I have been labeled with just about everything else EXCEPT autism. 90+% of everything I hear about it tracks with me. I guess it’s better late than never… but over four decades of my life was wasted with ignorance that caused this long lasting and life altering trauma. My life could have been VERY different if any one person would/could have spoken up. It’s extremely upsetting but I am also appreciative for the justification. Thank you so much for your help. 🙏🏻
I used to be obsessed with crime shows, but stopped watching television over a decade ago. I actually experience anxiety when things go wrong for the characters in shows or movies, which is why I despise rom-coms. I can’t stand pranks and find them cruel or not funny at all. April Fools Day is my least favorite day of the year. Whoever came up with it was a sadist. A whole day of trying to figure out when everyone around you is lying and trying to trick you for fun is absolutely horrendous to me. I am obsessed with books, though. Imagining the story in my head is somehow different from watching a show and I love it. It relaxes me. I also feel like it’s given me a bit of insight into how people think and why they might do certain things. The line of thinking is just laid out there for you. It made me better at masking because I would come across examples of things I was doing that were considered wrong and the author explained why, and also alternate examples of what was considered right that I could understand and emulate. I’m pretty good at masking now, but that also means that no one believes that I am really neurodivergent. I felt that shudder regarding phone calls. I hate them! I only recently realized that it’s because face to face communication is hard enough, but I super can’t tell when it’s time for me to speak or be quiet and let the other person speak when I can’t see them. I can’t figure out the flow of conversation over the phone, so I end up stumbling and accidentally talking over the other person when they’ve started to speak. It’s hideously uncomfortable.
Oh wow, I have the same issue with the phone. I developed a phobia (at least that's the only thing others understand as description). One of my friends told me she noticed I would read her lips. I hate the phone bc like you said, you don't know when to speak and get nervous.
@@michellekay223 I get the reading lips thing! I never realized that I was reading lips to help me understand people until everyone was wearing masks during Covid. Turns out, I was pretty dependent on it and didn’t even know I was doing it.
I have issues with sunlight. I would rather stay away from it if I can. It's too bright, overpowering, and makes my eyes hurt. My eyes water and it makes me sleepy. When I was a kid the adults were like "why are you squinting?" and I'd be like "why aren't you?!". Being in a room trying to use sunlight is horrible, I don't understand how people love to work by sunlight. It's constantly changing intensity because of clouds and time of day, the angle keeps changing. For me, it's tin foil on the windows and a nice source of artificial light that is steady and I have control. My ideal room would actually be in a basement, and these days people are building their homes to take in more and more sun light. I want a burrow to hide in, not live in a friggin' greenhouse. Last time I checked, humans were animals, not plants. I don't tiptoe walk, but I will worm walk, especially if I'm feeling low energy that day.
I don't have the intensity of problems with sunlight that you do, however I get migraines often and sunlight makes them *so much worse*, so I, too, try to avoid it. I keep wanting to move to different country where it's cloudy most of the year because my ideal day is cloud covered and chilly. I usually find firelight tends to be the gentlest on my eyes 🔥
I can relate. I also squinted as a child due to the intensity of sunlight. I always wondered why no one else did when it was obvious to me the sun was way too bright. I tend to leave mot of the lights off in the house as well, which people seem to find really odd. I also hate the way the setting sun flashes through rows of trees when I'm driving in a car; it straight up makes me feel rage.
Almost 60. Undiagnosed. As a child: Tip-toe walking, rhythmic movement (swaying, rocking), very flexible (undiagnosed hEDS)… so, was put in ballet at age five… danced for fifteen years, and socially into thirties for fun. (Little did I know it was a form of stimming for me.) When I began wearing high heels, it was like second nature, because I had been walking/dancing on my toes for years. Lol (The secret to walking in high heels is to walk on the balls of your feet; “toe-heel”, not “heel-toe”.) My son is on The Spectrum, and also tip-toe walked… up until middle school, when peer pressure caused him to be more aware, and walk flat footed; though he still kind of bounced (“heel strike” was not strong/barely there; I Guess a girl could just “mask” with high heels! Lol) Shoes did help my son, since it’s harder to walk on your toes in stiff shoes. But, when he got home, and shoes came off, he was right up on his toes again. We also noticed, that even in shoes, if he became stressed, he would rise up on his toes (when his mind was diverted/distracted to something else, it was like a switch was thrown, and he’d go up); It’s like how I shift my weight back and forth, from one leg to the other, when I’m trying to figure out a problem… it helps me think. My son also paces… it helps him think. He was diagnosed at eight years old, and is twenty-three now… and, still walks on his tip-toes sometimes, at home.
I think you are totally right about high heels meeting that tip-toe need while being socially acceptable! I couldn't wait to start wearing them as a teen and can almost count the number of times I chose flats over heels in my whole lifetime! I'm now 80 and can't wear them because of balance issues, but I sure still miss them!
Like more than 80% of girls prefer to use their front part of foot to walk before teen ossification (bio study), eye watching is stroopy rude in many cultures (japan, korea, malaysia…common knowledge), flickering can annoy migreniacs also. Basically you can say you are proper autist is if you go into emotional episodes for change of space (moving, holidaying- overly cleaning or abandonment, banging things while packing and unpacking for ages), routine, favourite product missing at home (corn/water/.. from spec.company) or time-table expectations (never entertaining quest you do not expect for ages or get ballistic before they come inside if they let you know only day/hours prior). If you like destroy New-years for whole family because you make salat and in pantry is missing can of corn of your choice (like there are 3 types, but not your favourite) so you became so behaviourally foul you find yourself alone because everyone vacated house to not listen to your pantry door banging, threatening tone, accusing of not compliance of your simple wishes and not remembering your preferences, but have at same time no prob. at work or with friends face-to face, just letting it out whenever you feel overwhelmed at home making your closest ones only ones who know- that is one which is called functional autism (my sibling).
@@nightmaresturningoftendejavue Yeah. I have a lot more going on than what I listed above. Have probably been masking for so long that it’s hard to remember what I’m really like; also, have learned to adjust my environment, and avoid triggering stimuli, situations, and stressors… which makes for a “small world”, and limited life. Personality type: INTP; very introverted… prefer to be and live alone (but, did/would sometime feel a little lonely; more like that my life was slipping away from me, as I wanted a family of my own). My son (on The Spectrum) get along/live very well together. He’s a blessing to me! We help each other out a great deal. Motherhood has made me a better person, and has taught me so much! I do worry about his future; socially/marriage and family, and career/the ability to support himself. Time will tell. I also have chronic health issues; have for decades. Neither of us are on SSI (welfare). Is “over-sharing” a sign of ASD??! Lol Take care and Best Wishes!🙏🏼
I think people forget that 'social norms' differ. Some cultures think that eye contact is confrontational, others will assume lack of eye contact is a sign of evasiveness. Growing up between 2 cultures really messes up the messages
I wish that with people who want appreciation of other cultures would appreciate differences like that rather than treat lack of eye contact as a sign of dishonesty. I have difficulty watching body language analysis videos because of that. I tend toward the eastern Asian cultures when it comes to things like eye contact, but it's never seen as appreciation of that culture.
I did not like shoes growing up. And I wanted to feel the cold floor at all times, by walking bearfoot (tiptoe, yes) but also by lying on the floor and literally trying to spend the most of the time there while resting, playing, reading, etc.
I am a 60-year-old woman, who has as my superpower, autism, adhd and ptsd. I say superpower, as that is what my husband calls it. I find people either love me or hate me, there is no in-between. I have to wear my mask most of the time to try and fit in with society. I am not a toe walker, however, my autistic step son is a toe walker. My autistic daughters are not. I find autistic females including myself are very arty/crafty. As I get older, my anxiety is increasing, making it hard to socialize. I openly tell people that I am autistic so that they don't find me rude. I am a bit like Spock on Star Trek lol.
I won't list my diagnoses, but I didn't toe walk until I took ballet. It is now a habit (trait) I always use indoors to minimize noise. (I hate noise).
I literally just burst into tears when I heard you talking about masking. When I come home at the end of the day, I have just enough energy to feed my cats, and then I have to go decompress, alone, laying down, sometimes crying, before going to grab dinner for myself. I don't tip toe walk, I don't talk monotone, I'm slightly obsessed with crochet and knitting, but making eye contact has always been hard for me, and I hear humming everywhere, I just thought I was an introvert that preferred animals and nature to people, and noise. Hmmmm.
All the signs were there, I didn't talk until almost 3, they wanted my parents to get special shoes because I walked exclusively on my tip toes...etc, etc, and I also have diagnosed C-PTSD from severe child abuse( it made me just cry to realize how much abuse from my siblings came because of my undiagnosed weirdness😢), so I'm a proper adult mess; I've masked so hard my whole life to fit in, I've even been masking from myself, realizing SO much of my 'weirdness' is undiagnosed autism, and challenges from unresolved trauma. I've been in recovery for almost 8 years for C-PTSD and have made tremendous progress, but I've hit a wall....I believe it's the autism I'm trying to overcome. It's only in my mid 50's that it seems impossible to mask anymore, all my work-arounds no longer work😅. I'll check out the link but sadly, people with C-PTSD( diagnosed or not,) are chronic under-earners and these things always seem to be insurmountable for ppl like me. But keep up the great work a lot of ppl need what you do( even if they don't know it lol or maybe😢, it's hard to tell with the autistic😂) I'll sub for sure and look forward to more videos! Thanks!
I started by stimming at home whenever i felt the urge... little beeps, leg bounces, finger taps and tiny lip pops when I was feeling "too full" blossomed into beep boops, fun rhythms, dances and big pops that dispel "little tension" before it could add up into a meltdown *at home*, where I was "safe" Now I sing in the car with the windows down and whoop in parking garages to hear the echo, allow myself to straighten some cans on the grocery shelf and step on the red tiles on the floor. Or the blue ones.. or only the cracks lol.. My brain is stimulated by little things that help it focus on the big things, it feels like letting the squirrels be feral when they're not working keeps them sorting nuts when they're clocked in
Oh, my dear, you are writing my story. I'm 61 and a recent widow. I've now realized that my husband handled many things I found too overwhelming for whatever reason. With him gone, I am just coming to understand things about myself that would not have been diagnosed when I was a kid.
😊 57, late diagnosis!! My family often say i should get an oscar, my masking is A++, just like my perfectionism, overachieving, etc etc. However i have had to take 2 yrs away from employment due to massive meltdown. Now trying the unmasking thing.. problem is after being such a good actor , i am having issues working out who i really am 😮🤔.. it's a process but it's also an interesting journey 👍🇦🇺🙃🥴🤪
Wow, I walk on my tiptoes a lot but not as much as I used to. My mum always told me to walk heel first so I learned to do that when I walked outside the house but inside I still walk on tiptoes. And I didn't even realise that could be an autistic trait. Of course, I have so many more traits but I definately relate to the book reading and collecting. I've always been obsessed with learning as much as I can. I used to borrow my mums library cards when I was a kid so I could borrow non-fiction books on history and archaeology. I loved myth and legends too. I've combined the two now and love learning about the cultures of the people who wrote the legends and how the stories they told changed alongside the society.
I feel like tiptoe walking is less noisy and more calm. I used to sit in a W shape (I still can) and in elementary school everyone would point out that it was weird. But cross leg was uncomfortable. W feels more stable. But because I was told it's weird I forced myself to do cross legs. It's still uncomfortable, but no one questions it. And I think W sitting also makes your legs wonky too. But I still sometimes sit like that at the table.
The light flicker is overwhelming. A day of too much sensory, triggers horrible migraines. It's like the nervous system can't handle it and short cicuits.
while doing research into bipolar disorder I came across several articles that say people with bipolar disorder, depression, autism, and sometimes other neurological disorders such as seizures often get migraines and its due to having too much or abnormal neural activity. Also the reason some individual medicines can help with treating depression, bipolar, migraine and even seizures
I've never been diagnosed, but after finding out my son has ASD I started to educate myself, and the more I know, the more I realise I also on a spectrum. And masking was a huge annoying part of my life. I got so happy when my husband asked me if I'd prefer to be a stay at home mum. Ugh, such pressure was lifted off my shoulders. Now, twice a month gathering with my few besties for coffee hour is more than enough of socialising for me. The rest of my time is a mum/wife duty, dog care, and preferably all of it with a cosy mystery audiobook in my ear 😂
It's demonstrably there, audio and video equipment can pick it up. I'm probably not autistic (or far to the low end of the spectrum) but I notice it. Sometimes I can observe that I perceive it, decide it's irrelevant, and tune it out. Other times it's exceedingly irritating, and may abruptly switch from ignorable to intolerable. Sometimes I can even hear sonic pest-repellent devices (though perhaps they are mistuned/malfunctioning.)
I was diagnosed autistic in my early 50's. So many pieces fell into place when I had new lenses to look back into my past with. I ping most of the seven on this video. # 7 was a mind blower for me as I still tip toe at 59; though not as much due to foot pain and lower back issues, likely stemming from being a lifetime tip toe-er. I could even run as fast in heels as with trainers, made no difference to me. Much better at looking people in the eye than I used to be and definitely a true crime person among other obsessive topics.
Whenever I think I might not be autistic I watch a video like this one and go "ooooohhhh...ok, yah, I'm definitely autistic." Thank god for my bff getting diagnosed and letting me know (not suggesting, flat out telling me, I had to be). And I am, and proud of it! It's a struggle but having a community that understands has made all the difference. I've healed a lot in the past year and I'm doing better tha ever (and saying NO to situations I know will not benefit me or my sensory issues). I also carry ear plugs and fidget spinners everywhere. 🎉
I'm so happy to have found your channel!!! Gosh I took a test online for autism not too long ago not doctor diagnosed yet but it made alot of sense looking back over my life. I remb things very well.. and I realize now that I was overstimulated when I had meltdowns etc. I can be obsessive about alot of things but I try to break it up with concentrating on other things I enjoy doing. . which is alot of so many diff things. My family don't believe there's anything wrong with me I'm just lazy etc. I was abused and I seem to attract narcissistic people. There is just so much wrong with me now and doctor's don't help. There's so much more that I could say but I am overwhelmed right now. Been looking for work as my narcissistic mom is just terrible. Then I look back on how she was and I realize how much of a issue that has always been there.. thank y'all so much 💜💜💜
Thank you for sharing. I’m 24 and trying to articulate my struggles to my doctor. I’ve felt so isolated by my condition because my symptoms have always just been diagnosed as anxiety/depression. The sensory overload has been most challenging.
It helped me to make a list of things I do that get me through the day.. like the way I put on my socks and the special lace tie that keeps my shoes comfortable, the specific temperature i like my tomato soup and the specific way I make my grilled cheese sandwiches so they're perfectly crispy and the 15 pillows I sleep with lol
On the particular theme of 'social norms are difficult' - this is so much more helpful than people saying we 'can't' do those things. We can, we just have to learn them manually. It doesn't come naturally or automatically. We literally need to observe the difference, notice the impact of when people do it right, then spend time trying to do the thing on purpose. Some things that neurotypical people aren't even aware that they do.
While I'm at it, I'll say that for me, (Hi, diagnosed at 30), rather than true crime, its anything with a mystery. I much prefer mysteries that need solving in fiction rather than true crime because there's more of a crafted puzzle.
And then they expect you to learn without being explicitly taught what is needed. If you mess up, the price is high. I often wish society didn't place such importance on social skills. Sometimes I would love to treat people's difficulty with math/science with as little compassion as they have for those with social struggles.
I am undiagnosed yet I feel in my soul I have ADHD and am on the spectrum in some measure. I have also dealt with complex PSTD. What you said about coming down from "masking" really hit home. I used to deal with this by self medicating and I still do sometimes. I just wanted to give my love out to anyone who does this and let you know you are understood. I also want to say there are better ways to cope. xo
My daughter and husband are both actually autistic. My daughter has ADHD as well and I have ADD my daughter was diagnosed at 15. She found out just after her 16th birthday, they finally told us like months after she was diagnosed I had been worried about it since she was born she never cried now she can’t stop crying as a baby. She never cried. I had to just constantly check her diapers. She would hum for food that should’ve been a clue that was from birth. But she’s perfect. I’m happy she’s autistic. That means she’s a better person.
I’ve had meltdown only three times in my life. I have daily shutdowns. In my opinion shutdowns are more draining because it takes a lot of time to get over it. Mainly I just sit quiet with my headphones on acting llike I’m listening to something. Even my partner doesn’t know that I otfen just wear my headphones to be left alone. Oh and most of my female autistic friends also do this. I know that for me having shutdowns instead of meltdowns is kind of masking. It is more accepted to just zone out and have shutdown than have meltdown. Oh and I usually knit or crochet while having shutdown. I knit lot as a form of stimming. It is more acceptable to knit or crochet than stim in other visible ways. Ps. I still have my trex hands. I just hold my project in them. 😂
This just helped my husband and I so much! Thank you! I've been saying for years that my husband, myself, and our son have autism. It's so obvious we do when you look at how we behave and react to life.
Level 2 (Prof.Dxed) ASD woman here and I've been tiptoeing since I was toddler! I think I mostly do this now to avoid feeling unwanted textures on the floor!
Masking is about breathing, I trained my breathing and self awareness in a clinic specialising in the pain of the nerve systems and I have so much ease to deal with masking. Everything you talk about is just the same in many men too 😅
Hah. I tiptoe walked through my entire childhood. And flat out refused to wear shoes much of the time. No clue until now that there’s a tribe of toe-walking, light-flicker-seeing, tv-hearing folks like me. Still not self-diagnosing. Just working on figuring myself out. Thanks again for the insight.
Late diagnosed @38 y/o, entrepreneur small business owner, wife, momma of 3. Finding out this info was life changing and affirmed my strengths and gave me a break to relax on the “performing/masking” that was my whole life and I didn’t realize it.
My young adult daughter is on the spectrum and wow this was a great video! Literally everything you said was spot on so much so I laughed and cried because so many people just don’t get it and it’s such a struggle and as a parent sometimes you feel so helpless and I also have a ton of regret from before we knew and even after diagnosis and a lot of therapy I still have guilt for not handling certain situations with more “patience”. I hope I can get her to fill out info to try and get into this program! I’ve been searching for things for her as she is facing so so many changes and new challenges right now…. Did I say the word changes?? 😅 one of the things I was laughing about was the “hoarding stuff”…. She’s not a boy but she hoarded a lot when she was little and still does!! Candy and money mainly and then the serious book and manga collections, and one big extra special interest…I don’t want to say too much but let’s just say…absolutely I get it and she also has a true crime show or series playing almost always 😂 I cried through you talking about masking and I’ve seen and heard it with my own eyes and the feeling of helplessness watching her suffer after a long day or come home early from a get together just breaks my heart. I can’t fix it. I don’t want to write a book but this video was emotionally draining but refreshing. I’m subscribing and I am hoping she will too. Thank you!!!!!!!
You nailed it rather well. I am a 53 year old female who was diagnosed with what they called back in the 1970s in my location as "attention & hyper disease" and dyslexia. They tried putting me on Ritalin but my mom refused. They did not understand autism back then, so I have never had an autism diagnosis, but I have so very many signs of being autistic. 3 males in my immediate family are diagnosed with autism. There are older females that I know would get the diagnosis of autism if they were to be seen by a therapist and psychologist.ll Myself and other females are told that we are eccentric, differant etc. I worked at a place that had group homes for people with the diagnosis of autism and/or mental retardation. I worked with both high & low functioning clients for years. The high functioning clients, that could speak well and converse, would often tell me that they feel comfortable with me and that I was kind of like them and they felt like I had an understanding of some of their issues. My bosses also noticed my interaction with the residents and told me how well I worked with them. I don't say all that to brag, but rather to show that I believe my undiagnosed mild autism helped me have some understanding of my group home clients which enabled a trusting good relationship with them that helped me better able to teach them about the world and how society works and how to cook and clean and so on. They often times taught me things too . My oldest daughter also displays obvious signs of autism as well. She is 24. We both have sensory issues where we don't like wearing certain materials, can't tolerate certain smells. Certain smells will wake me up from a deep sleep and make me anxiety stricken for a little bit. This often happens when the cat uses the liter box and the smell of cat poop is strong for a few minutes until the anti-stink stuff in the liter sand takes the smell away. Some other smells make me relaxed like smells of grass, fresh nature like trees, bark on trees, etc. I can smell if it is going to rain and I can normally smell if the thunderstorm is going to turn dangerous or not. My daughter can do that too and so could my mom. My mom was very eccentric, and had many signs of autism. The doctors never knew what to diagnosis her with so way back in the 1950s or 1960s they gave her the diagnosis of Manic Depression which we nowadays call bipolar. She also was considered to have OCD due to her hoarding of certain things like books, canned food, religious things, etc. When she was elderly and had been injured or had surgeries, I was the one who had to toilet and bathe her. She had very strict odd ways of doing her bathing. For example, the wash rags had to rub in only this direction on this body part and only rub in another direction on a different body part. And after her bath, different types of moisturizing lotions had to be used on different areas of her body and applied in certain ways differently on each body part. I'm not sure what all is learned behaviors in many of us and what is actual undiagnosed high functioning well masked autism. My parents had 8 kids and now have well over 40 grandkids via 3 generations of them. I have lost track of how many of us have been diagnosed with ADD/ADHD.
Excellent video 😊 the thing with girls / women masking more socially is important, something I started observing in jr high school, the boys with autism traits in my environment especially who were labeled smart or talented were generally included and supported, regardless of quirks and personality traits, while the girls with similar traits were not . They were mostly only treated decently by both adults and kids if they masked, trying to please others. If they didn’t , they were ignored, excluded, bullied, undermined, and again not just by other kids. Some boys were picked on but even most of them were at least given due credit and acknowledgement by some of the people in the school or community, and on their own , not because of who they were associated with. Unlike most girls, especially on the spectrum. And girls with “gifted talented” label tended to get extra bullied unless they were part of a clique, or their parents were part of a local clique. Girls mask for survival anyway in toxic environments, and autistic girls often mask more , for survival.
Dan describes Eye contact so accurately. I wouldnt say that our inturpretation is entirely accurate, but incredibly detailed. I think thats why autistic people tend to get along with cultures that avoid eye contact outside of intimate conversations ( Chinese/Japanese/North African/Indian etc.)
I got diagnosed with Autism not long ago. Before I got diagnosed, I had an obsession of researching Autism. Like, spectrums, signs, behavior and stuff like that. It started when a "check if you have Autism" quiz popped up on my Pinterest home page. Obviously, I did it for fun. It said that I'm most likely Autistic. That's when my obsession started. Also the reason why I decided to visit a therapist. I was diagnosed with ADHD, autism, OCD, depression and psychopathic disorder. My jaw was on the floor, because that was unexpected. Well, to me, at least.
I KNOW that I have autism because of this video. Thank you so much! 🙏🏽 Now I can go ahead and get diagnosed properly. Thankfully I've already got a therapist and a meds prescriber. I truly wished more people would get help.
I have huge problems with eye contact. I don’t feel like it’s necessary and also I can’t speak if I look in eyes. I forget what I’m saying. I only want to stare into someone’s eyes during intimacy, not during casual situations at all. I don’t talk monotone, but I do talk very quietly because everything sounds extremely loud to me. Including my own voice. I have sensory issues very badly. The only time I use volume is when I’m singing. I am obsessed with true crime also, and I watch interrogations also. and German language and horror films and rats. I love rats. I pretend that my life is a movie and each action is a role. And I also do the avoid thing too. It depends on the situation. When I get home alone, that is when I can be myself, I don’t melt down, because the sensory stuff is exactly what I decide finally. I absorb myself with what I love like metal music or crime videos, instead of having to be anyone for anyone.
When I was a teenager I was diagnosed with BPD by someone who had no idea what they were talking about. I was finally properly diagnosed with ASD when I was 40. I'm in the USA and we are lightyears behind in all things Autism.
There are a lot of these things that fit on me, but since I can hold eye contact for a long time (though it makes me uncomfortable, and I tend to 'take breaks' from it by pretending to look off to the side to remember something), and I can hold a conversation well enough, I am not considered autistic by my therapist. I have sensory issues (all senses), I didn't know the separating your food on a plate was a sign of it, but I do that, and I read a lot and am interested in true crime. I also have meltdowns and anxiety and mask often, when I am out and about. I also regularly tip toe walk, but only when home alone, never in places where people can see me. My son, who professionals suspect has a degree of autism, always tip toe walks. He also has a lot of repeated actions he does, and has to complete things before going onto something new (I have the same feeling, I hate stopping in the middle of something). He has sensory issues as well, but not to the degree I have. But since professionals brought it up for him, it just made sense for me that it must be me he has it from. I still feel like I might be autistic. My older brother is autistic, so it is in the family.
Ooooh MY GOODNESS! My jaw literally dropped when you explained exactly how I feel when I look someone in the eye. I'm shook ! Was literally trying to Google information about it the other day but couldn't figure out how to explain the feeling .
I don't do tippy toes anymore. I did up until I was out of high-school though. Now I do a version of it on the sides of me feet but don't walk around just go from being flat foot to side foot as a stim. I have all the other traits as well. Cant stand squishy food textures (I will vomit) and I have to have everything the right temperature to eat or drink it. Everyone keels saying its severe anxiety and when I was little they diagnosrd me with ADHD and Bipolar disorder. Now I'm older and they say there is no way I have bipolar disorder, its just insanely intense anxiety... I keep telling everyone it's autism, but I don't look like their nephew whose 5 or the rainman. Plus im female so... people think I'm over dramatic when I tell them what overwhelms me. I've gone to so many therapists and psychologists I could create a hospital full of them. I can't hold down jobs because they are too people oriented and I have no friends at all at age 34... and I go through waves of suicidal ideation. Yet somehow... I'm just over dramatic and making it all up for attention. Maybe someday I will have a place in this world.
One thing that really doesn't help us is the ridiculous high standards girls and women are expected to meet (and it can definitely be a cultural thing) that decide a lack of eye contact and things to talk about are simple examples of arrogance and selfishness that need to be conditioned out to make us 'likable', which results in being busy, too busy for our own wellbeing, with 'women's work' which can consist of being taken advantage of by family and friends, exploited and overlooked at the workplace if you get past an interview or trial and facing advances from creep men who see us as mysterious, quirky and playing hard to get dispite there never being any form of friendship. Masking can actually rendered us vulnerable but others will decide you're just a weirdo or a bhiich.
So glad I found this video - 40 undiagnosed but suspected I was on the spectrum for the last 3 years so much of these points ring true. The aversion to certain textures and harsh flickering lights, the melt downs especially when socially over stimulated and presented with too much information/decisions. I struggle with eye contact, even with friends and family feels too intense and intimate like love making. I used to walk on tip toes all the time as a kid (I can remember my grandma saying I should be a ballerina), I learnt to mask it outside but I still do it at home. Food I need to separate on my plate like a pie chart and I can't mix my food when eating, which perplexes people if they notice. Not sure really where to go next but this is a big Aha moment where I can start to see myself as less like a weirdo so Thank You ✨
The light flickering! Yes. I remember dreading certain stores because of those. I'd hide under racks of clothes or just close my eyes to get away from the brain-pounding of the lights. They'd seem to get louder and louder, and I'm not talking about just the sound.
You nailed me right down to the flickering lights. I thought everyone could see them. Lately, my mask is falling. I can't hang in like I used to. My crashes are getting worse. I obsess watching ncis and criminal minds before I can sleep. Your right, people don't look for it in females. I was always described as weird but gifted. Oh well. That comedian said "there's your sign!"
My daughter. 35, shows each of the signs but the monotone!! She has been a total Disney nerd all of her life!! This video is extremely helpful! Thank you!!
I overcompensated when I was working by acting very outgoing and friendly. Then I would be the total opposite at home. A lot of textures bother me and certain sounds. Metdowns don't happen a lot, but they are very annoying to me when I do meltdown.
I always got in trouble for being monotone. My mom would call me ‘boring’ and accuse me of being in a bad mood so I started masking where I try to appear super engaging and interested. It’s so exhausting and causes me to shut down eventually and I become flat anyway. I’m 26 and learning how to be comfortable with who I am now though.
The more I learn about various things like BPD, ASD, PTSD, MDD, etc, the more confused I get with the overlap. Officially, I have trauma disorder with BPD traits and functional seizures, but sooooo much overlaps 😩 I'm still figuring out what sensory issues could mean for me. What various meltdowns could look like for me. What masking looks like for me. Burnout. Everything. I've been told I'm not autistic, and there are some ways I agree. But other times I just don't know
"You've had to have a phone call with somebody.........I know right." I had to pause the video and laugh my ass off for a bit because.........that is so real!!!! That will ruin my day. I've been fighting so many doubts about whether I was or was not on the spectrum, but after this video, I think I can accept that I am, and that is why my life has been so exhausting and hard. I love all of you.
Thank you. This is a very well done explanation. I was never diagnosed, but my mom told me finally as an adult that she figured it out with research that I have Asperger’s - now ASD and I took the adhd text which basically reiterated that they did classify me as borderline add as a kid. It sucks though, I didn’t get the help I needed over the years in school and have struggled a lot. I have had chronic migraines and pressure headaches since 2005 and they will help to spiral into an emotional meltdown. I’m on depression and anxiety meds and when they happens I feel like I can’t be helped and worthless.
Pretty easy to search people on the internet now I looked up some from my past in 2013. One of them recently contacted me back again. We've been talking almost daily. I hope you're able to locate them. I'm wondering if my best friends were on the spectrum, or did we share something else in common, like Myers Briggs personality or blood type or something?
Oh, and you're spot on about the gathering of knowledge and information. I have been called everything from a walking encyclopedia, dictionary, to thesaurus, pretty much all of my life; was even called human computer by some teachers for a period when I was a kid...
Before this video, I knew of two women that were definitely on the spectrum and now I can add a sister. The first female I met on the spectrum had all kinds of issues. It was military school and God bless the female NCO's above her, instead of victimizing her, they sensed something was wrong with her. These NCO's taught her all kinds of female things-shaving, wearing makeup, how to handle her menstrual cycle, etc. The second female, I only met briefly, worked at a Burger King. And my sister-my family lived across the street (literally, across the street) from a steel mill from 1946 to 1956. Four children were born in that house, each progressively more damaged from the mercury and other contaminants coming out of the smokestacks. My sister, and a brother, were full blown schizophrenic and autistic (my brother was non verbal until he was five).
You've just described me almost perfectly. I've been thinking I might be autistic for a long time. I brought it up to my therapist last week, and we are looking into finding an assessment location/provider in my area. Thank you for all you do! 💜💜
czcams.com/video/BmOUEFpWgTc/video.htmlsi=OFVR04i6dJaPm2Ra
I will check the video tomorrow. But I'll say ahead: Please never refer to women as "females". It's objectifying and derogatory way of addressing women if it is used outside of very narrow scientific/medical context and it mostly appears in documentation, not when speaking to and about people.
It's all across the internet these days in which sexistic people specifically say "female" to women (or they misgender trans men and non-binary ppl in this manner) in order to objectify and disrespect.
It is OK to write "Autism in women" and then clarify "this can include trans men and non-binary people" in the video. A medically inclusive term often used is "people with uterus" but this is likely not a case where the differences are due to sex, but rather due to gender norms affecting how we're socialised and allowed to express ourselves.
You can avoid the whole ordeal by using a title like "How sexism affects Autism diagnosis" or "Gender gap in autism diagnosis", too.
I might adjust what I wrote after watching the video tomorrow, to some extent. I just needed this clarified in general first, so I can calmly go to sleep.
How do I get my partner to understand autism they seem to not understand it and I don't know what to do. I'm so frustrated cause I feel like I have to change for them or hide myself in a way so they accept me. Because they say autism is just an excuse. I don't like masking all the time it's exhausting. I'm not sure what to do I need some help getting them to understand.
I can sense that someone is mad at me before I visually see their anger just by the tone in their voice.
@Venomskye00 Please stop masking and adjusting. You deserve a partner that is willing and working to understand the limitations your autism gives you in daily life. Only be with people that make you happy and only do things that make you happy. You deserve a joyfull and loved life. Lots of love, me
I think the propensity for females with autism to excel at social masking as opposed to autistic males is due to our cultures demand that women do more of the "social" work.
Not only that but females' brains and physiology are predisposed to excel in social interaction. It's true of every woman, it's genetic and doesn't have that much to do with culture. There aren't many extreme antisocial women because they genetically have a bonus-boost into socializing behavior that men do not have. So even when a woman is antisocial she is still more social than a majority of antisocial men.
In my family, my brother was allowed meltdowns and his sensory issues catered to, while if I was to show any emotion or have a negative reaction to something as the oldest girl, I was punished. So my lived experience agrees with your assessment lol
@@babsbunny_ Sooooooo.......what are you saying? That it was unfair that your brother's neurological differences were acknowledged and allowances were made for the behaviors that he could not control?
@@kristinedoty7876 She's saying that her brother was allowed to express his autistic needs, while she was not. I'm assuming from context here that they're both autistic or at the very least ND. However it's hard to say if it's a male/female expectation divide, or possibly due to being the oldest child. "Oldest" children tend to be held to stricter and tighter standards than younger siblings, particularly the youngest. The age difference between children matters, the age of the parents matters (were they young, inexperienced? how much did they know about mental illness?), the individual behaviors matter (ability to mask, coping skills, stims & triggers, level of care needed), as well as how much parenting experience the parents had.. I'm rambling at this point;
Basically there's a lot of factors involved so we can't really make any clear-cut judgement calls from the outside. We've learned so much about neurodivergence even in just the past 10 years, a lot of information was not nearly as readily available especially if somebody has/had older parents or those who perhaps weren't so understanding. Something that a lot of people don't consider is that perhaps.. their parents struggle too but these things "didn't exist" when they were kids or they were shrugged off and so they experienced a lot of negative reinforcement to sit down, shut up, do what everyone else is doing. These doesn't absolve them of poor behavior, we are all responsible for our own actions regardless of our level of ability, mental or physical. But just some food for thought. :)
It is. Women are conditioned from an early age to put up with invasive boundary violations. I got in trouble for fighting back against intrusive boundary crossers. I didn’t care. I beat up a PE teacher that was forcing girls to change in front of her, going as far to have the bathroom stall doors removed. That was the final straw for me. I was late to her first period class, so she decided to punish me in Gym. She made me run for an 1 1/2. I was a long distance runner. I decided to start running backwards and calling her homophobic slurs (I have nothing against LGBTQ people) because I knew it would provoke her. She took the bait and hit me. I drug her across the asphalt and kicked her ass. I was permanently removed from public schools, even though the principals and my teachers stood up for me and demanded the firing of the teacher. I lost. I went on to Christian schools. They had zero problems with how I handled the situation. Go figure. They weren’t so thrilled when I turned that righteous anger on them for the same crimes. I never finished high school. I made near perfect scores on my ACT’s and every college was calling and offering me admission afterwards. I have 2 BS, a MBA, and a MD, but I don’t have a GED or a HS Diploma. I used to walk on my tippy toes and still do sometimes😂.
What's weird is that between autism, adhd, and complex trauma, I pretty much don't know how to unmask or relax. It's really stressful and exhausting.
Aw man that must be so hard
I thought I was the only one who does that. I was talking to my counselor about that and how I'm constantly masking even at home when I'm alone. It is like I don't even know who I am without some mask on and so many people around me know I'm not capable of relaxing.
Me too
Same. Except, I don't get a diagnosis for autism, as a multilingual upbringing can cause autistic symptoms (according to the autism expert in my area)
@@v3ru586 iiiiinteresting. I suppose it makes sense on the social rules thing and possible difficulty on reading the body language cross-culturally. I know there can be a lot of overlap between autism and trauma. Perhaps you're struggling with cptsd. I know a lot of my lack of sense of self and constant hypervigilence stems from childhood abuse. Dunno if that'll help or not, but I hope we can all figure out how to be as healthy as possible.
It is important to note that it's not just an aversion to eye contact, but also an issue of "I don't know how much eye contact is the 'correct' amount" so autistic women, who are under a ton of pressure to mask their autism without even knowing they're autistic, will learn to "make eye contact" despite the discomfort, but may have no idea how much is the correct amount and may actually stare directly into someone's eyes for "too long," making allistic people feel uncomfortable anyway.
And triggering sexual predators, which is one reason so many of us have been SA victims.
@@sarahjensen2473I've had SO many creepy dudes say they could tell I was attracted to them & their "proof" was all masking! I'd only done those things because I was trying to appear polite and neurotypical.
@@LilChuunosuke yes, 'standard' eye contact is more intermittent, you flick your gaze back and forth. In general you more look at someone's overall face than literally the eyes. Intent and prolonged eye-to-eye contact is only a thing either in a personal confrontation (trying to assert dominance by 'staring down' the other person), or in intimate situations. If a woman makes direct eye contact with a man for more than a few seconds, it will be perceived as a sign of sexual interest.
Yep, many of us grew up with being aggressively ordered to look at people when they talk to us and they believe not doing so equals not listening, you then get people mad at you for staring, then you get those who see you being 'polite and listening' as hanging on to their every word and being in awe of them, many of these people are creeps.
I have always had difficulty with eye contact. I've trained myself in eye contact. I remember as a child in school, the teachers would aways write on my report cards that I did not pay attention - but I absolutely did pay attention and had the grades to prove it. As far as how long I now make eye contact, not long. I hold it as long as I can and then look away. As long as I can may be a few or several seconds at a time. When meeting people, I've trained myself to do proper eye contact and greetings. People know me as friendly and outgoing, but I make the effort.
If we have to pay for rent ,food ,car, we need to work.
Masking helps sometimes to keep employment.
How else can one survive 😮
Exactly. I started masking in order to not get beat up in school, and now I mask to stay employed.
Absolutely. Sadly the mask has been slipping more and more as time goes on though, and I've been having issues at work, mostly because of it. It's really frustrating and stressful. I'm hoping I can get diagnosed and get help with getting into classes so I can get a different job. Goodness knows I can't keep going with what I have now, especially since they keep throwing me in front of customers.
@@deborahmahon5451THIS!!!! YES!!!!
“Masking” is done by everyone to do their job! This video is nothing but bullshit.
Yeah exactly, survive, not really live your life, 'survive' summarizes my experience pretty well lol
People thought I was crazy that I can hear the lights humming and flickering. The texture thing is so prevalent.
Oh I can too
That's because they do hum and flicker.
Most people don't have a brain that zaps frequently enough to perceive it.
Science!
I have a problem with points. They HURT my eyes. My sister said years ago that I had a phobia. I told her that I'm not scared of them!
I have a roommate that can't eat most Foods due to texture issues it also doesn't help that he was born smell blind. He can't taste more complex flavors so things such as Umami freaks him out.
@@BrendaGross-li7pf Hahaha Hahaha exactly 💯
Masking is something I have expelled at. My parents had a small retail shop. When I had to start waiting on people at age 12, I nearly died every time. My mom explained it was just acting and that I was to make "meaningful transient relationships" to make people want to buy more and return. I worked in retail off and on over my lifetime ( I am in my 70's) and have always been tops in sales.but eventually, it would fall apart and I needed to hide out for a time. Hours to days. I am perceived as a very outgoing person but really I am not but know how to act that way.
*excelled
That's exactly what I do! I learned to treat going out in public, jobs, college, etc like playing a role, or "wearing many hats". I started behaving in ways that I perceived most people would like or find endearing (since I'm a woman). Which is why it would be awful when something came up that I wasn't prepared for, because it's like I could feel myself floundering and I'd freeze up, sirens going off like "ABORT! ABORT! ABORT!".
Unfortunately if it was a situation that pushed me or I couldn't escape easily from I'd end up behaving reactively in my instinctive fight/flight/freeze response. In customer service it would take everything I had to not cry on the spot (I'm an angry crier, but also struggle to handle anger/disapproval directed at myself due to childhood trauma). Luckily though, most jobs I've had have been understanding and let me take 15-30 mins to cool down and get the emotions out. I've had people describe me as "ditzy and friendly" which I suppose is far from the worst thing I could be called. :)
I honestly thought everyone did this! I just used to call it “work mode” or “school mode” and “home mode”!
@@patmanchester8045 I have also found sales to be fulfilling. It is a role with established parameters where the salesperson is in charge. It's not the customers that are a problem for me, it's the coworkers.
I relate to your comment. Follows my job path, I worked as a waitress and then sales, but I'm very introverted. Everything I learned about getting on w people, I learned from watching TV.
I suspect one of the reasons less females diagnosed with ASD is that girls traits don’t cause as many issues in class for teachers.
That is an excellent point.
They usually daydream and stay silent. But in certain situations teachers do see this as an issue
@@stayhoney6863 hopefully things will keep improving
@@stayhoney6863 I remember being called up to write the days of the week on the chalkboard. I think I was in the fifth grade. I had never really learned them and the teacher needed to guide me through them. Same with telling time, I just had never absorbed it. So one day I sat down in front of a clock and taught myself.
Autism is literally only a "disorder" when someone has a problem with it. The rest of the time it's just a minority genetic trait like blue eyes. So if that girl is Autistic but the teacher doesn't have a problem with her behaviour and nobody cares how much stress the girl herself is experiencing in that environment, can you even diagnose a disorder there?
‘You go but everything inside you is dying’ 😂 perfect description 👌🏻
😂😂😂❤
Every time I hear someone say "autistic," I hear "artistic." Don't know why I felt the need to share, but it makes me happy.
A lot of ND's are actually good at the arts. Which is why it's so ironic that as soon as someone hears you are autistic they immediately tell you to go work in tech. Er....no. I'm a visual artist.
I've recently been diagnosed with Autism (aged 35) and eye contact is very difficult for me because, on a sensory level, it is very 'intimate'. I can hold better eye contact with people I've known (and trusted) for a long time, as long as I don't 'think' about it too much (lol). As the old saying goes, "eyes are the windows to the soul", and I actually find it unusual that neurotypicals would be so trusting and careless in letting strangers into their souls. It's essentially a defence mechanism for protection.
Yes!! I have to know someone for a long time and trust them to look into their eyes
On my end, if I really look into someone's eyes, I feel like I get distracted, sucked in, lose my train of thought and can't think or speak coherently anymore. I'm swimming around in them.
Which is ok in the bedroom, but that's about the only place
So if it's a stressful situation, or random stranger, or anyone I KNOW is trying to hurt me, forget the eye contact. I need to keep my wits about me. And I don't want to look into evil
And if I feel like that, I wonder if THEY can see deeply into me too. I don't want to let just anyone in.
It's like the line from Avatar, I see you.
Its intimate because I can see that they're not telling the truth, sometimes it's fine but usually its just exhausting.
I'm exactly the same. "Very intimate," that's the perfect explanation of how eye contact feels with strangers! For so long, I've felt that something is wrong with me because I get so uncomfortable with eye contact, especially with men, for some reason.
Yall perfectly described my situation
Diagnosed at 65! I am so ackward, and never know how long or short I should look into someones eyes! Its always either too much and I make the person uncomfortable, or its too short, and I don't know where to look after.
Another problem in the past, in misdiagnosing women, at least in the U.S., is what i call the 2 minute psych eval where the psych pops her head in the door for 2 minutes and looks you up and down head to foot and pronounces you have anxiety or OCD and takes no childhood history, uses no ASD diagnostic instruments, and the only thing that natters to the psych is clocking as many 2 minute evals as possible in one day, every day to afford her mega mansion. This is a real problem.
lol the behavior carries into everything in life
This is why I took my son to an actual neuropsychologist. The regular psychiatrist at the local mental health clinic wouldn't even see him unless we were there to get medication. The Nurse practitioner there just gave a simple diagnosis of social anxiety without even talking directly to him.
@@802sti yeah how they would know what meds he needs. Sounds like the just want to see as many people as possible and push any drug to earn profits.
You can't tell from a few second glance
@@802sti I've been trying to get a diagnosis, and the questions the psychiatrist keeps asking indicates to me that she wants to call this social anxiety. I see the social anxiety as only one part of a broad matrix of unusual behaviour/experience.
💯💯💯
This female AuDHDer does not like true crime drama because it's too intense! Give me fantasy - witches, mermaids or anything mythical.
Oh how I resonate with this 😍
I hate tense anything. I have to look up spoilers, I have to know if something ends happy, I have to fast forward people being mean to each other. I would prefer to see someone get shot in a movie, than to see people be mean and vicious to each other.
@@susanhemmingway6707 I really thought I am the only one who reads spoilers or skips ahead just so the shows etc become more predictable
same. i hate real and personal violence
I'm an autistic female and I'm obsessed with horror. We are not a monolith 😂
1. Lack of eye contact
2. Monotone voice
3. Obsessive interests
4. Masking
5. Meltdowns
6. Sensory issues
7. Tip toe walking
Yeah no. Aspergers woman here none of these apply to me. At least not observable by other people.
Retired nurse here. This is the same across all healthcare sectors with women. It’s only because of women becoming doctors that this has changed. They used to lock us up for “hysteria” which was period related. These are the types of things that the women’s movement was about, equality.❤
Wait .. the light flickering is not a thing everybody sees????? 🤨
@@grabbelton I know right.
I do, very badly. However, I am a photosensitive epileptic too.
Obviously lights flicker, especially old neon lights.
I have meltdowns when I hurt myself, kicking my small toe in a door, for example. I can start punching walls, picking at my hair while screaming... It's terrible.
You walk on eggs, so used to tell me my schoolmates.
Good grief. I have been fighting for a diagnosis for 15 years. Constantly being told that pills would cure my depression. Or, just go to a psychologist. 15 years later. On a pension. Every time I asked whether I was autistic, told, nah. Women don't get it. The doctors certainly hadn't gotten it! Your list floored me. I have every single thing ,including the tip toe walking! I was so happy. Thank you for me! ❤
I am currently in this position right now. I have been told my whole life that girls and women don't get things like ADHD and autism or anything, and that those that do have stuff like that are literally insane and need to go into a mental hospital.
As a woman with ASD and currently looking for an ADHD diagnosis, I find that the ASD can naturally hide some of the ADHD symptoms and tendencies (and vice versa). I've been watching ADHD content and I'm loosing track of the number of times I think to myself "Thank goodness for the autism, otherwise this would be much, MUCH worse!".
I was diagnosed at 50. I can look people in the eye. Don't have a monotone voice. Love true crime dominates my podcast. Masking is exhausting. I have learnt to let meltdowns happen. Music calms me down. Really loud music causes me to curl up and cover me ears. I don’t tiptoe walk.
I'm early 50s, still not diagnosed but began suspecting I was autistic and adhd a few years ago.
I'm almost the same, but my reading material tends to historical romance and actual history (ordinary peoples lives, not so much kings and wars). I also do medieval re-enactment.
Yes to music, but not the 150 beats per minute metal my ex liked.
Highly recommend morbid podcast.
If you don't mind, please, do you let yourself have meltdowns in a house, or an apartment, where strangers can hear?
@@cmauro7912what if you just can’t help it though… meltdowns in autism are so overwhelming and we don’t deliberately intend to upset others like our neighbours when they happen… they just happen and it’s so very scary 😢😢
@@cmauro7912please don’t condemn us for our autistic traits and the way that we express them… we truly do not mean any malicious intent. It’s incredibly challenging to be autistic and the very last thing we need is to feel like others are condemning us
I was just diagnosed with type 1 autism. My whole life I’ve masked my symptoms. Everyone thinks I don’t have it and I think that’s just the stigma with autism. I’ve struggled with communication and it’s hard for me to connect with people. I really want friends but because of lack of trust and judgement of being “rude” it’s hard so I avoid people.
I find it harder as I age to communicate without being rude. I had a friend as an adult who loved my “ one liner spot on comments.” Now at 74 I work more at being me and have dropped a lot of masking thus reducing anxiety and antidepressants .
Omg agreed
I have a child on the spectrum and now believe I should be on it also. I’m a 45 yr old woman and can complete relate to my son in almost every way.
I am a woman in my 60. I have not been diagnosed as on the spectrum, but this really makes me want to follow up with a professional. I was diagnosed with OCD in my 40s, and treatment has been life-changing. It was at that time a friend suggested I may have autism. I call daytime masking operating under an assumed personality. Autism would explain my entire life.
I took some of the self tests available online. At 68, I figured out that I'm autistic. Which explained so much to me. I don't plan on getting an official diagnosis. I know who I am. 99% of people I know don't believe me. They know I'm weird. One friend said I just like labels. Whatever!! 🙄
@@ritarevell7195 Embrace the weird! I was called eccentric in my 20s. I am also introverted but at this point it has become easier to engage in conversation with strangers. I have a job that uses my strengths and co-workers who are also a little weird in their own ways.
I got an OCD diagnosis in my thirties. Medication made a great deal of difference straight away, but I was burning out by that time. I think girls were less expected to act out when we were young. I can remember making myself sick with worry when I was invited to a party because I didn't want to go. + it was out of my routine and I wouldn't know how to interact with the kids at a party. Used to cry in front of the whole class if the teacher told me off, less because I was wrong about something but because everyone was looking at me, and the teacher would call me ' pathetic'. Yet I worked ( and generally) loved, working as a tour guide at major attractions - but that was a performance, I was very aware of putting on a ' tour guide's hat'. I don't know if I am autistic but I do have some traits, especially in the sensory issues
@@evelynwilson1566 This sounds so familiar. I was fortunate to have a few really good teachers who knew how to handle the differences. One in particular stands out when a classmate laughed at me for not answering a question. The teacher simply said everyone can miss something sometimes. As for the OCD, medication helps me recognize what is happening so I can handle it and reign in my response. Meds don't stop it, but help me reason it through.
@evelynwilson1566 I worked in nursing for years. So I learned to make eye contact, and I picked up a great deal of information about my patients by using intuition and skills of being able to walk into the room of a complete stranger and conducting examinations and interviewing people--like you said it was a role or a performance that I was doing. Otherwise, I would have been too uncomfortable if the autistic me was doing this.
Masking in social settings for me makes me be "on." I chatter, make people laugh (I'm a good story teller), connect with their experiences by offering some of my own, etc. I enjoy myself, but afterwards I am exhausted and don't want any social interactions for as long as I can decently avoid them. In my lifetime I've only had one or two friends that I felt I could just be with and not have to perform. With everyone else, when I don't switch on the mask, I am always asked "What's wrong?" - or - "Are you OK?" or worst of all - "Have I offended you?"
Oh my god me too!!!!! Totally
Soooo much this.
I know a girl who went to see about a diagnosis but the doctor dismissed her concerns because she was supposedly making good eye contact. What the doctor didn't understand is she was forcing herself to make eye contact for the sake of "normalcy".
One would think that a doctor whose job is supposed to be diagnosing people with autism would be aware of masking. Guess not.
@@sleeplesstime it's a small republican town, so there's only so much to expect. 🤷♀️
As a child I remember hearing someone say Autistic children cannot make eye contact and from that point on I made additional effort to do so. Mostly I focus on a point between the eyes, or an eyebrow, or an eyeball. Often i'll get lost in thought at what I'm looking at. And I find direct eye contact incredibly intimate. I've often been accused of staring. I'm I cannot hear expression, nor can I replicate it. When I'm excited about something, my volume increases. My younger self was right into Dean Koontz - I had to buy every book, and know everything inside out. Now it's cars, weather real or remote. Often told I go on and on and on about my special interests, often bore people to death about it.
Meltdowns - debilitating attacks - turned into PNES (Conversion disorder/functional neurological) Late diagnosed Autistic woman. I've burned out. Thanks for the vid.
I am a flea market freak. I find the weardest, amazing things you can imagine. And I never have just one of them.. ..oh dear! I love old things, good material, nice handcraft, quality and also funny things. I made a Konmari round six years ago, that was good. Gave myself the promise just to let a thing in when another one goes, I fail quite often. 😂 I love to sit at home and look at them, nicely arranged. They all have a soul.
They have a soul because they are handmade. Machine made mass produced things have no soul. It's in the aura. Soul has colour. Mass produced have an extended auric field of some sort but no colour.
I totally get you
@@taghiabiri3489 Native Americans call it Manitou, a spiritual force that inhabits all things.
Diagnosed at 62. I can do eye contact if necessary but no longer force myself often. Excellent masker 24/7. Takes at least 7 days all alone in a cabin out in the middle of nowhere before I can relax. Have relaxed at least 4 times in my life.
Was a heavy tip toe walker that used to spring with every step. Years of not being able to afford custom footware (quad E wide duck feet🙄) has destroyed toe walking as every step is always painful but I have years of practise at ignoring it.
I cannot do intense movies or books. I prefer fantasy which I read my favorites over and over to relax.
Excellent video. Thank you❤
the rates may actually be closer to 1:1 because there has been a historic bias in identifying autism in males; females tend to have what would be considered more 'socially acceptable' special interests, mask more, and their traits aren't as apparent to the rest of society as it is in males
It's not socially acceptable, it's that we've been groomed to be good little servants
@@Faesharlynand that's just terrible.
I think part of it is that traditionally women stayed at home and unless she wanted to, wasn't expected to interact with others where men were expected to work hense having to interact with others even when it wasn't a public facing position, they still had to interact with the boss and co-workers, vendors,etc.
I'm 35f. I've struggled my whole life with anxiety/depression/ocd/ptsd/bpd/adhd. Doctors never bothered looking beyond depression when I was first diagnosed. THANK YOU ♡ I hit myself in the head when I can't handle things any more. I really thought I was just fucked on the head. This is such a relief. I've hated myself my whole life and struggled terribly. Thank you for describing this ❤ I'm so glad this video was suggested.
As a female who is on the spectrum and ADHD myself. And also a Reiki practitioner it’s very common for people on the spectrum to be light workers and gravitate towards energy work. Also to be empathic so making eye contact with someone in case you don’t know activates your kundalini energy in the body. That’s why you can start to feel them. You’re literally connecting with them energetically. And autistic people are more sensitive to this..
Also, is someone who used to be into true crime when I was younger, but once I started to understand the impact of media that you consume a music, you listen to and how it affects your body and your chakra system I would definitely recommend anybody that’s into that to please find a new Interest. It’s not healthy for you to indulge in that type of media. It makes people fearful anxiety ridden, and it’s just not good for the psych.. it makes you think that the world is a bad place, and when in reality it’s not.
🙌yes! Well put.
❤️ Thank you.
For me, watching true crime stuff is a way to process & better understand all the trauma that I've endured. I tend to exhaust a specific dynamic, & once I "get it," move on to a different aspect of true crime. Ironically, this has actually helped me with my cPTSD because full understanding of why/how/when/what has happened to me actually allows me to finally let it go. But the rest of my world is full of healthy stimuli. 🤓
@@heatherwood6446 oh that’s interesting, I never thought about that but I’ve never experienced that type of trauma. Thank you for sharing that.
Thank you I so needed that
Please get out of reiki 😢 it will turn on you. Only Jesus Christ, Yahweh is the true Healer and Rescuer of souls. ❤
I love how fast you talk. It’s on par with how fast I talk. It’s nice bc the faster the data is presented, the quicker I can process it. Plus it’s just a comforting vocal speed for me.
Thank you so much for the comment! Make sure you are subscribed and have the notifications turned on :).
yes, same
@@TriciaStewart84 same here. I saw someone else mention that they adjust the video speed on slower talkers. I didn't know that was possible until I read that.
Same!
Omg. Thank you for explaining this. Eye contact feels so intimate. People try to look me in the eyes and I'm like, "Bro, I don't know you like that."
I’m a 47 year old female… it’s only been in the last couple of years that I have been looking into this on my own and I truly think I’m a “high functioning” autistic adult. And that really pisses me off to no end because I have been labeled with just about everything else EXCEPT autism. 90+% of everything I hear about it tracks with me. I guess it’s better late than never… but over four decades of my life was wasted with ignorance that caused this long lasting and life altering trauma. My life could have been VERY different if any one person would/could have spoken up. It’s extremely upsetting but I am also appreciative for the justification. Thank you so much for your help. 🙏🏻
I used to be obsessed with crime shows, but stopped watching television over a decade ago. I actually experience anxiety when things go wrong for the characters in shows or movies, which is why I despise rom-coms. I can’t stand pranks and find them cruel or not funny at all. April Fools Day is my least favorite day of the year. Whoever came up with it was a sadist. A whole day of trying to figure out when everyone around you is lying and trying to trick you for fun is absolutely horrendous to me.
I am obsessed with books, though. Imagining the story in my head is somehow different from watching a show and I love it. It relaxes me. I also feel like it’s given me a bit of insight into how people think and why they might do certain things. The line of thinking is just laid out there for you. It made me better at masking because I would come across examples of things I was doing that were considered wrong and the author explained why, and also alternate examples of what was considered right that I could understand and emulate. I’m pretty good at masking now, but that also means that no one believes that I am really neurodivergent.
I felt that shudder regarding phone calls. I hate them! I only recently realized that it’s because face to face communication is hard enough, but I super can’t tell when it’s time for me to speak or be quiet and let the other person speak when I can’t see them. I can’t figure out the flow of conversation over the phone, so I end up stumbling and accidentally talking over the other person when they’ve started to speak. It’s hideously uncomfortable.
I can read tons of true crime books, but I can stand suspense shows or movies.
Oh wow, I have the same issue with the phone. I developed a phobia (at least that's the only thing others understand as description). One of my friends told me she noticed I would read her lips. I hate the phone bc like you said, you don't know when to speak and get nervous.
@@Sunshineandhydrangeas That's me in a nutshell also! I was notorious for not wanting to talk on the phone, for those exact reasons.
@@michellekay223 I get the reading lips thing! I never realized that I was reading lips to help me understand people until everyone was wearing masks during Covid. Turns out, I was pretty dependent on it and didn’t even know I was doing it.
You. Are. Me! 🫶🏾
I have issues with sunlight. I would rather stay away from it if I can. It's too bright, overpowering, and makes my eyes hurt. My eyes water and it makes me sleepy. When I was a kid the adults were like "why are you squinting?" and I'd be like "why aren't you?!". Being in a room trying to use sunlight is horrible, I don't understand how people love to work by sunlight. It's constantly changing intensity because of clouds and time of day, the angle keeps changing. For me, it's tin foil on the windows and a nice source of artificial light that is steady and I have control. My ideal room would actually be in a basement, and these days people are building their homes to take in more and more sun light. I want a burrow to hide in, not live in a friggin' greenhouse. Last time I checked, humans were animals, not plants.
I don't tiptoe walk, but I will worm walk, especially if I'm feeling low energy that day.
I don't have the intensity of problems with sunlight that you do, however I get migraines often and sunlight makes them *so much worse*, so I, too, try to avoid it. I keep wanting to move to different country where it's cloudy most of the year because my ideal day is cloud covered and chilly.
I usually find firelight tends to be the gentlest on my eyes 🔥
I can relate. I also squinted as a child due to the intensity of sunlight. I always wondered why no one else did when it was obvious to me the sun was way too bright. I tend to leave mot of the lights off in the house as well, which people seem to find really odd. I also hate the way the setting sun flashes through rows of trees when I'm driving in a car; it straight up makes me feel rage.
Almost 60. Undiagnosed. As a child: Tip-toe walking, rhythmic movement (swaying, rocking), very flexible (undiagnosed hEDS)… so, was put in ballet at age five… danced for fifteen years, and socially into thirties for fun. (Little did I know it was a form of stimming for me.) When I began wearing high heels, it was like second nature, because I had been walking/dancing on my toes for years. Lol (The secret to walking in high heels is to walk on the balls of your feet; “toe-heel”, not “heel-toe”.) My son is on The Spectrum, and also tip-toe walked… up until middle school, when peer pressure caused him to be more aware, and walk flat footed; though he still kind of bounced (“heel strike” was not strong/barely there; I Guess a girl could just “mask” with high heels! Lol) Shoes did help my son, since it’s harder to walk on your toes in stiff shoes. But, when he got home, and shoes came off, he was right up on his toes again. We also noticed, that even in shoes, if he became stressed, he would rise up on his toes (when his mind was diverted/distracted to something else, it was like a switch was thrown, and he’d go up); It’s like how I shift my weight back and forth, from one leg to the other, when I’m trying to figure out a problem… it helps me think. My son also paces… it helps him think. He was diagnosed at eight years old, and is twenty-three now… and, still walks on his tip-toes sometimes, at home.
Dance was a stim for me too! No wonder I was obsessed with it!
I learnt belly dance in my 20s. I would shimmy, do figure 8s, hip lifts etc as I stood chatting.
I think you are totally right about high heels meeting that tip-toe need while being socially acceptable! I couldn't wait to start wearing them as a teen and can almost count the number of times I chose flats over heels in my whole lifetime! I'm now 80 and can't wear them because of balance issues, but I sure still miss them!
Like more than 80% of girls prefer to use their front part of foot to walk before teen ossification (bio study), eye watching is stroopy rude in many cultures (japan, korea, malaysia…common knowledge), flickering can annoy migreniacs also. Basically you can say you are proper autist is if you go into emotional episodes for change of space (moving, holidaying- overly cleaning or abandonment, banging things while packing and unpacking for ages), routine, favourite product missing at home (corn/water/.. from spec.company) or time-table expectations (never entertaining quest you do not expect for ages or get ballistic before they come inside if they let you know only day/hours prior). If you like destroy New-years for whole family because you make salat and in pantry is missing can of corn of your choice (like there are 3 types, but not your favourite) so you became so behaviourally foul you find yourself alone because everyone vacated house to not listen to your pantry door banging, threatening tone, accusing of not compliance of your simple wishes and not remembering your preferences, but have at same time no prob. at work or with friends face-to face, just letting it out whenever you feel overwhelmed at home making your closest ones only ones who know- that is one which is called functional autism (my sibling).
@@nightmaresturningoftendejavue Yeah. I have a lot more going on than what I listed above.
Have probably been masking for so long that it’s hard to remember what I’m really like; also, have learned to adjust my environment, and avoid triggering stimuli, situations, and stressors… which makes for a “small world”, and limited life.
Personality type: INTP; very introverted… prefer to be and live alone (but, did/would sometime feel a little lonely; more like that my life was slipping away from me, as I wanted a family of my own).
My son (on The Spectrum) get along/live very well together. He’s a blessing to me! We help each other out a great deal. Motherhood has made me a better person, and has taught me so much! I do worry about his future; socially/marriage and family, and career/the ability to support himself. Time will tell.
I also have chronic health issues; have for decades. Neither of us are on SSI (welfare). Is “over-sharing” a sign of ASD??! Lol
Take care and Best Wishes!🙏🏼
I think people forget that 'social norms' differ. Some cultures think that eye contact is confrontational, others will assume lack of eye contact is a sign of evasiveness. Growing up between 2 cultures really messes up the messages
I wish that with people who want appreciation of other cultures would appreciate differences like that rather than treat lack of eye contact as a sign of dishonesty. I have difficulty watching body language analysis videos because of that. I tend toward the eastern Asian cultures when it comes to things like eye contact, but it's never seen as appreciation of that culture.
Wearing slippers and flip flops indoors reduces so many sensory triggers
I did not like shoes growing up. And I wanted to feel the cold floor at all times, by walking bearfoot (tiptoe, yes) but also by lying on the floor and literally trying to spend the most of the time there while resting, playing, reading, etc.
Know 4 women who are now diagnosed autistic. You are absolutely correct. Thanks, Dan. ❤
I am a 60-year-old woman, who has as my superpower, autism, adhd and ptsd. I say superpower, as that is what my husband calls it. I find people either love me or hate me, there is no in-between. I have to wear my mask most of the time to try and fit in with society. I am not a toe walker, however, my autistic step son is a toe walker. My autistic daughters are not. I find autistic females including myself are very arty/crafty. As I get older, my anxiety is increasing, making it hard to socialize. I openly tell people that I am autistic so that they don't find me rude. I am a bit like Spock on Star Trek lol.
I won't list my diagnoses, but I didn't toe walk until I took ballet. It is now a habit (trait) I always use indoors to minimize noise. (I hate noise).
Dan.... You are describing me! I am obsessed with true crime, books. I am that obsessed with books, I started writing books!!
So awesome!
I literally just burst into tears when I heard you talking about masking. When I come home at the end of the day, I have just enough energy to feed my cats, and then I have to go decompress, alone, laying down, sometimes crying, before going to grab dinner for myself. I don't tip toe walk, I don't talk monotone, I'm slightly obsessed with crochet and knitting, but making eye contact has always been hard for me, and I hear humming everywhere,
I just thought I was an introvert that preferred animals and nature to people, and noise.
Hmmmm.
All the signs were there, I didn't talk until almost 3, they wanted my parents to get special shoes because I walked exclusively on my tip toes...etc, etc, and I also have diagnosed C-PTSD from severe child abuse( it made me just cry to realize how much abuse from my siblings came because of my undiagnosed weirdness😢), so I'm a proper adult mess; I've masked so hard my whole life to fit in, I've even been masking from myself, realizing SO much of my 'weirdness' is undiagnosed autism, and challenges from unresolved trauma. I've been in recovery for almost 8 years for C-PTSD and have made tremendous progress, but I've hit a wall....I believe it's the autism I'm trying to overcome. It's only in my mid 50's that it seems impossible to mask anymore, all my work-arounds no longer work😅.
I'll check out the link but sadly, people with C-PTSD( diagnosed or not,) are chronic under-earners and these things always seem to be insurmountable for ppl like me. But keep up the great work a lot of ppl need what you do( even if they don't know it lol or maybe😢, it's hard to tell with the autistic😂)
I'll sub for sure and look forward to more videos! Thanks!
I started by stimming at home whenever i felt the urge... little beeps, leg bounces, finger taps and tiny lip pops when I was feeling "too full" blossomed into beep boops, fun rhythms, dances and big pops that dispel "little tension" before it could add up into a meltdown *at home*, where I was "safe"
Now I sing in the car with the windows down and whoop in parking garages to hear the echo, allow myself to straighten some cans on the grocery shelf and step on the red tiles on the floor. Or the blue ones.. or only the cracks lol..
My brain is stimulated by little things that help it focus on the big things, it feels like letting the squirrels be feral when they're not working keeps them sorting nuts when they're clocked in
Oh, my dear, you are writing my story. I'm 61 and a recent widow. I've now realized that my husband handled many things I found too overwhelming for whatever reason. With him gone, I am just coming to understand things about myself that would not have been diagnosed when I was a kid.
😊 57, late diagnosis!! My family often say i should get an oscar, my masking is A++, just like my perfectionism, overachieving, etc etc. However i have had to take 2 yrs away from employment due to massive meltdown. Now trying the unmasking thing.. problem is after being such a good actor , i am having issues working out who i really am 😮🤔.. it's a process but it's also an interesting journey 👍🇦🇺🙃🥴🤪
Wow, I walk on my tiptoes a lot but not as much as I used to. My mum always told me to walk heel first so I learned to do that when I walked outside the house but inside I still walk on tiptoes. And I didn't even realise that could be an autistic trait.
Of course, I have so many more traits but I definately relate to the book reading and collecting. I've always been obsessed with learning as much as I can. I used to borrow my mums library cards when I was a kid so I could borrow non-fiction books on history and archaeology. I loved myth and legends too. I've combined the two now and love learning about the cultures of the people who wrote the legends and how the stories they told changed alongside the society.
I walk on the sides of my feet, toward my toes in a "glide" thats almost silent lol
😂 I use to annoy my Stepmother because I supposedly snuck up on her all the time, by tiptoeing, was forced to walk on the heels.
I feel like tiptoe walking is less noisy and more calm.
I used to sit in a W shape (I still can) and in elementary school everyone would point out that it was weird. But cross leg was uncomfortable. W feels more stable. But because I was told it's weird I forced myself to do cross legs. It's still uncomfortable, but no one questions it. And I think W sitting also makes your legs wonky too. But I still sometimes sit like that at the table.
@@AngelaEAwesome have you ever been evaluated for ASD or a connective tissue disorder?
@@AngelaEAwesome What is the W sitting position?
The light flicker is overwhelming. A day of too much sensory, triggers horrible migraines. It's like the nervous system can't handle it and short cicuits.
while doing research into bipolar disorder I came across several articles that say people with bipolar disorder, depression, autism, and sometimes other neurological disorders such as seizures often get migraines and its due to having too much or abnormal neural activity. Also the reason some individual medicines can help with treating depression, bipolar, migraine and even seizures
I've never been diagnosed, but after finding out my son has ASD I started to educate myself, and the more I know, the more I realise I also on a spectrum. And masking was a huge annoying part of my life. I got so happy when my husband asked me if I'd prefer to be a stay at home mum. Ugh, such pressure was lifted off my shoulders. Now, twice a month gathering with my few besties for coffee hour is more than enough of socialising for me. The rest of my time is a mum/wife duty, dog care, and preferably all of it with a cosy mystery audiobook in my ear 😂
Other people can't see the flicker?! Can they hear the hum?!
I've been told I make that up. Glad to know others hear the hum, too!
Me too…the lights drive me crazy
I can hear it & see the flicker 😮
I know...this was jaw dropping to me. I had no idea they didn't see it. I just thought they didn't care. 😮
It's demonstrably there, audio and video equipment can pick it up. I'm probably not autistic (or far to the low end of the spectrum) but I notice it. Sometimes I can observe that I perceive it, decide it's irrelevant, and tune it out. Other times it's exceedingly irritating, and may abruptly switch from ignorable to intolerable. Sometimes I can even hear sonic pest-repellent devices (though perhaps they are mistuned/malfunctioning.)
I was diagnosed autistic in my early 50's. So many pieces fell into place when I had new lenses to look back into my past with. I ping most of the seven on this video. # 7 was a mind blower for me as I still tip toe at 59; though not as much due to foot pain and lower back issues, likely stemming from being a lifetime tip toe-er. I could even run as fast in heels as with trainers, made no difference to me. Much better at looking people in the eye than I used to be and definitely a true crime person among other obsessive topics.
Whenever I think I might not be autistic I watch a video like this one and go "ooooohhhh...ok, yah, I'm definitely autistic." Thank god for my bff getting diagnosed and letting me know (not suggesting, flat out telling me, I had to be). And I am, and proud of it! It's a struggle but having a community that understands has made all the difference. I've healed a lot in the past year and I'm doing better tha ever (and saying NO to situations I know will not benefit me or my sensory issues). I also carry ear plugs and fidget spinners everywhere. 🎉
I'm so happy to have found your channel!!! Gosh I took a test online for autism not too long ago not doctor diagnosed yet but it made alot of sense looking back over my life. I remb things very well.. and I realize now that I was overstimulated when I had meltdowns etc. I can be obsessive about alot of things but I try to break it up with concentrating on other things I enjoy doing. . which is alot of so many diff things. My family don't believe there's anything wrong with me I'm just lazy etc. I was abused and I seem to attract narcissistic people. There is just so much wrong with me now and doctor's don't help. There's so much more that I could say but I am overwhelmed right now. Been looking for work as my narcissistic mom is just terrible. Then I look back on how she was and I realize how much of a issue that has always been there.. thank y'all so much 💜💜💜
Its the hum that does my head in from strip lighting.
Thank you for sharing. I’m 24 and trying to articulate my struggles to my doctor. I’ve felt so isolated by my condition because my symptoms have always just been diagnosed as anxiety/depression. The sensory overload has been most challenging.
It helped me to make a list of things I do that get me through the day.. like the way I put on my socks and the special lace tie that keeps my shoes comfortable, the specific temperature i like my tomato soup and the specific way I make my grilled cheese sandwiches so they're perfectly crispy and the 15 pillows I sleep with lol
@@Faesharlyn That’s a really good idea! Thank you for sharing 🥰
@@CaffeinatedCutie I hope it helps and that your doc is able to understand you when you're there
On the particular theme of 'social norms are difficult' - this is so much more helpful than people saying we 'can't' do those things. We can, we just have to learn them manually. It doesn't come naturally or automatically. We literally need to observe the difference, notice the impact of when people do it right, then spend time trying to do the thing on purpose. Some things that neurotypical people aren't even aware that they do.
While I'm at it, I'll say that for me, (Hi, diagnosed at 30), rather than true crime, its anything with a mystery. I much prefer mysteries that need solving in fiction rather than true crime because there's more of a crafted puzzle.
And then they expect you to learn without being explicitly taught what is needed. If you mess up, the price is high. I often wish society didn't place such importance on social skills.
Sometimes I would love to treat people's difficulty with math/science with as little compassion as they have for those with social struggles.
I am undiagnosed yet I feel in my soul I have ADHD and am on the spectrum in some measure. I have also dealt with complex PSTD. What you said about coming down from "masking" really hit home. I used to deal with this by self medicating and I still do sometimes. I just wanted to give my love out to anyone who does this and let you know you are understood. I also want to say there are better ways to cope. xo
When I make eye contact I feel like crying… it has happened since I was a child.
Fascinating. My daughter when she was a baby cried if I looked at her but stopped if I looked away.
me too it’s a deep feeling and actually wanting to cry. so glad i’m not alone ❤
It's scary and intense
My daughter and husband are both actually autistic. My daughter has ADHD as well and I have ADD my daughter was diagnosed at 15. She found out just after her 16th birthday, they finally told us like months after she was diagnosed I had been worried about it since she was born she never cried now she can’t stop crying as a baby. She never cried. I had to just constantly check her diapers. She would hum for food that should’ve been a clue that was from birth. But she’s perfect. I’m happy she’s autistic. That means she’s a better person.
I’ve had meltdown only three times in my life. I have daily shutdowns. In my opinion shutdowns are more draining because it takes a lot of time to get over it. Mainly I just sit quiet with my headphones on acting llike I’m listening to something. Even my partner doesn’t know that I otfen just wear my headphones to be left alone. Oh and most of my female autistic friends also do this.
I know that for me having shutdowns instead of meltdowns is kind of masking. It is more accepted to just zone out and have shutdown than have meltdown.
Oh and I usually knit or crochet while having shutdown. I knit lot as a form of stimming. It is more acceptable to knit or crochet than stim in other visible ways.
Ps. I still have my trex hands. I just hold my project in them. 😂
I'd always wondered why I speak in monotone even when excited- its usually something logic and reasoning based
Omg True Crime fanatic here. You called it! Never considered this. It’s very comfortable for me.
I am autistic as an adult. I also raised my autistic transdaughter. Glad a friend sent me this video. Thank you!
I’m obsessed with true crime.
This just helped my husband and I so much! Thank you! I've been saying for years that my husband, myself, and our son have autism. It's so obvious we do when you look at how we behave and react to life.
Level 2 (Prof.Dxed) ASD woman here and I've been tiptoeing since I was toddler! I think I mostly do this now to avoid feeling unwanted textures on the floor!
Masking is about breathing, I trained my breathing and self awareness in a clinic specialising in the pain of the nerve systems and I have so much ease to deal with masking. Everything you talk about is just the same in many men too 😅
Hah. I tiptoe walked through my entire childhood. And flat out refused to wear shoes much of the time. No clue until now that there’s a tribe of toe-walking, light-flicker-seeing, tv-hearing folks like me. Still not self-diagnosing. Just working on figuring myself out. Thanks again for the insight.
Late diagnosed @38 y/o, entrepreneur small business owner, wife, momma of 3. Finding out this info was life changing and affirmed my strengths and gave me a break to relax on the “performing/masking” that was my whole life and I didn’t realize it.
I am Autistic/ADHD It is what it is. I enjoy your videos.
My young adult daughter is on the spectrum and wow this was a great video! Literally everything you said was spot on so much so I laughed and cried because so many people just don’t get it and it’s such a struggle and as a parent sometimes you feel so helpless and I also have a ton of regret from before we knew and even after diagnosis and a lot of therapy I still have guilt for not handling certain situations with more “patience”. I hope I can get her to fill out info to try and get into this program! I’ve been searching for things for her as she is facing so so many changes and new challenges right now…. Did I say the word changes?? 😅 one of the things I was laughing about was the “hoarding stuff”…. She’s not a boy but she hoarded a lot when she was little and still does!! Candy and money mainly and then the serious book and manga collections, and one big extra special interest…I don’t want to say too much but let’s just say…absolutely I get it and she also has a true crime show or series playing almost always 😂 I cried through you talking about masking and I’ve seen and heard it with my own eyes and the feeling of helplessness watching her suffer after a long day or come home early from a get together just breaks my heart. I can’t fix it. I don’t want to write a book but this video was emotionally draining but refreshing. I’m subscribing and I am hoping she will too. Thank you!!!!!!!
You nailed it rather well. I am a 53 year old female who was diagnosed with what they called back in the 1970s in my location as "attention & hyper disease" and dyslexia.
They tried putting me on Ritalin but my mom refused.
They did not understand autism back then, so I have never had an autism diagnosis, but I have so very many signs of being autistic. 3 males in my immediate family are diagnosed with autism. There are older females that I know would get the diagnosis of autism if they were to be seen by a therapist and psychologist.ll
Myself and other females are told that we are eccentric, differant etc.
I worked at a place that had group homes for people with the diagnosis of autism and/or mental retardation.
I worked with both high & low functioning clients for years.
The high functioning clients, that could speak well and converse, would often tell me that they feel comfortable with me and that I was kind of like them and they felt like I had an understanding of some of their issues.
My bosses also noticed my interaction with the residents and told me how well I worked with them.
I don't say all that to brag, but rather to show that I believe my undiagnosed mild autism helped me have some understanding of my group home clients which enabled a trusting good relationship with them that helped me better able to teach them about the world and how society works and how to cook and clean and so on. They often times taught me things too .
My oldest daughter also displays obvious signs of autism as well. She is 24.
We both have sensory issues where we don't like wearing certain materials, can't tolerate certain smells. Certain smells will wake me up from a deep sleep and make me anxiety stricken for a little bit. This often happens when the cat uses the liter box and the smell of cat poop is strong for a few minutes until the anti-stink stuff in the liter sand takes the smell away.
Some other smells make me relaxed like smells of grass, fresh nature like trees, bark on trees, etc. I can smell if it is going to rain and I can normally smell if the thunderstorm is going to turn dangerous or not. My daughter can do that too and so could my mom. My mom was very eccentric, and had many signs of autism. The doctors never knew what to diagnosis her with so way back in the 1950s or 1960s they gave her the diagnosis of Manic Depression which we nowadays call bipolar. She also was considered to have OCD due to her hoarding of certain things like books, canned food, religious things, etc. When she was elderly and had been injured or had surgeries, I was the one who had to toilet and bathe her. She had very strict odd ways of doing her bathing. For example, the wash rags had to rub in only this direction on this body part and only rub in another direction on a different body part.
And after her bath, different types of moisturizing lotions had to be used on different areas of her body and applied in certain ways differently on each body part.
I'm not sure what all is learned behaviors in many of us and what is actual undiagnosed high functioning well masked autism.
My parents had 8 kids and now have well over 40 grandkids via 3 generations of them. I have lost track of how many of us have been diagnosed with ADD/ADHD.
Excellent video 😊 the thing with girls / women masking more socially is important, something I started observing in jr high school, the boys with autism traits in my environment especially who were labeled smart or talented were generally included and supported, regardless of quirks and personality traits, while the girls with similar traits were not . They were mostly only treated decently by both adults and kids if they masked, trying to please others. If they didn’t , they were ignored, excluded, bullied, undermined, and again not just by other kids. Some boys were picked on but even most of them were at least given due credit and acknowledgement by some of the people in the school or community, and on their own , not because of who they were associated with. Unlike most girls, especially on the spectrum. And girls with “gifted talented” label tended to get extra bullied unless they were part of a clique, or their parents were part of a local clique. Girls mask for survival anyway in toxic environments, and autistic girls often mask more , for survival.
Dan describes Eye contact so accurately. I wouldnt say that our inturpretation is entirely accurate, but incredibly detailed.
I think thats why autistic people tend to get along with cultures that avoid eye contact outside of intimate conversations ( Chinese/Japanese/North African/Indian etc.)
I got diagnosed this year at 41!
I got diagnosed with Autism not long ago. Before I got diagnosed, I had an obsession of researching Autism. Like, spectrums, signs, behavior and stuff like that. It started when a "check if you have Autism" quiz popped up on my Pinterest home page. Obviously, I did it for fun. It said that I'm most likely Autistic. That's when my obsession started. Also the reason why I decided to visit a therapist. I was diagnosed with ADHD, autism, OCD, depression and psychopathic disorder. My jaw was on the floor, because that was unexpected. Well, to me, at least.
Haha watching this as I read about forensic evidence and autopsies because why not 😅 nothing like a good bedtime story.
a good bedtime story indeed!
I KNOW that I have autism because of this video. Thank you so much! 🙏🏽 Now I can go ahead and get diagnosed properly. Thankfully I've already got a therapist and a meds prescriber. I truly wished more people would get help.
This is the earliest i have ever watched a video after its been posted ever in my entire life
Haha no way!! Welcome!
Autism and ADHD here, diagnosed after 33,5 painful years of my life. That was huge relief
I have huge problems with eye contact. I don’t feel like it’s necessary and also I can’t speak if I look in eyes. I forget what I’m saying. I only want to stare into someone’s eyes during intimacy, not during casual situations at all. I don’t talk monotone, but I do talk very quietly because everything sounds extremely loud to me. Including my own voice. I have sensory issues very badly. The only time I use volume is when I’m singing.
I am obsessed with true crime also, and I watch interrogations also. and German language and horror films and rats. I love rats.
I pretend that my life is a movie and each action is a role. And I also do the avoid thing too. It depends on the situation. When I get home alone, that is when I can be myself, I don’t melt down, because the sensory stuff is exactly what I decide finally. I absorb myself with what I love like metal music or crime videos, instead of having to be anyone for anyone.
When I was a teenager I was diagnosed with BPD by someone who had no idea what they were talking about. I was finally properly diagnosed with ASD when I was 40. I'm in the USA and we are lightyears behind in all things Autism.
There are a lot of these things that fit on me, but since I can hold eye contact for a long time (though it makes me uncomfortable, and I tend to 'take breaks' from it by pretending to look off to the side to remember something), and I can hold a conversation well enough, I am not considered autistic by my therapist. I have sensory issues (all senses), I didn't know the separating your food on a plate was a sign of it, but I do that, and I read a lot and am interested in true crime. I also have meltdowns and anxiety and mask often, when I am out and about. I also regularly tip toe walk, but only when home alone, never in places where people can see me.
My son, who professionals suspect has a degree of autism, always tip toe walks. He also has a lot of repeated actions he does, and has to complete things before going onto something new (I have the same feeling, I hate stopping in the middle of something). He has sensory issues as well, but not to the degree I have. But since professionals brought it up for him, it just made sense for me that it must be me he has it from.
I still feel like I might be autistic. My older brother is autistic, so it is in the family.
Ooooh MY GOODNESS!
My jaw literally dropped when you explained exactly how I feel when I look someone in the eye.
I'm shook !
Was literally trying to Google information about it the other day but couldn't figure out how to explain the feeling .
I don't do tippy toes anymore. I did up until I was out of high-school though. Now I do a version of it on the sides of me feet but don't walk around just go from being flat foot to side foot as a stim.
I have all the other traits as well. Cant stand squishy food textures (I will vomit) and I have to have everything the right temperature to eat or drink it.
Everyone keels saying its severe anxiety and when I was little they diagnosrd me with ADHD and Bipolar disorder. Now I'm older and they say there is no way I have bipolar disorder, its just insanely intense anxiety...
I keep telling everyone it's autism, but I don't look like their nephew whose 5 or the rainman. Plus im female so... people think I'm over dramatic when I tell them what overwhelms me.
I've gone to so many therapists and psychologists I could create a hospital full of them. I can't hold down jobs because they are too people oriented and I have no friends at all at age 34... and I go through waves of suicidal ideation. Yet somehow... I'm just over dramatic and making it all up for attention.
Maybe someday I will have a place in this world.
I’m 44, my son suggested that may be autistic…. I know I mask everyday. That would explain a lot of things
One thing that really doesn't help us is the ridiculous high standards girls and women are expected to meet (and it can definitely be a cultural thing) that decide a lack of eye contact and things to talk about are simple examples of arrogance and selfishness that need to be conditioned out to make us 'likable', which results in being busy, too busy for our own wellbeing, with 'women's work' which can consist of being taken advantage of by family and friends, exploited and overlooked at the workplace if you get past an interview or trial and facing advances from creep men who see us as mysterious, quirky and playing hard to get dispite there never being any form of friendship. Masking can actually rendered us vulnerable but others will decide you're just a weirdo or a bhiich.
So glad I found this video - 40 undiagnosed but suspected I was on the spectrum for the last 3 years so much of these points ring true.
The aversion to certain textures and harsh flickering lights, the melt downs especially when socially over stimulated and presented with too much information/decisions.
I struggle with eye contact, even with friends and family feels too intense and intimate like love making. I used to walk on tip toes all the time as a kid (I can remember my grandma saying I should be a ballerina), I learnt to mask it outside but I still do it at home. Food I need to separate on my plate like a pie chart and I can't mix my food when eating, which perplexes people if they notice.
Not sure really where to go next but this is a big Aha moment where I can start to see myself as less like a weirdo so Thank You ✨
The light flickering! Yes. I remember dreading certain stores because of those. I'd hide under racks of clothes or just close my eyes to get away from the brain-pounding of the lights. They'd seem to get louder and louder, and I'm not talking about just the sound.
You nailed me right down to the flickering lights. I thought everyone could see them. Lately, my mask is falling. I can't hang in like I used to. My crashes are getting worse. I obsess watching ncis and criminal minds before I can sleep. Your right, people don't look for it in females. I was always described as weird but gifted. Oh well. That comedian said "there's your sign!"
I always thought everybody heard those long lights buzzing and flickering!!??
My daughter. 35, shows each of the signs but the monotone!! She has been a total Disney nerd all of her life!! This video is extremely helpful! Thank you!!
I overcompensated when I was working by acting very outgoing and friendly. Then I would be the total opposite at home. A lot of textures bother me and certain sounds. Metdowns don't happen a lot, but they are very annoying to me when I do meltdown.
I always got in trouble for being monotone. My mom would call me ‘boring’ and accuse me of being in a bad mood so I started masking where I try to appear super engaging and interested. It’s so exhausting and causes me to shut down eventually and I become flat anyway. I’m 26 and learning how to be comfortable with who I am now though.
The more I learn about various things like BPD, ASD, PTSD, MDD, etc, the more confused I get with the overlap. Officially, I have trauma disorder with BPD traits and functional seizures, but sooooo much overlaps 😩 I'm still figuring out what sensory issues could mean for me. What various meltdowns could look like for me. What masking looks like for me. Burnout. Everything. I've been told I'm not autistic, and there are some ways I agree. But other times I just don't know
"You've had to have a phone call with somebody.........I know right." I had to pause the video and laugh my ass off for a bit because.........that is so real!!!! That will ruin my day.
I've been fighting so many doubts about whether I was or was not on the spectrum, but after this video, I think I can accept that I am, and that is why my life has been so exhausting and hard.
I love all of you.
Women mask eye contact better than men, by looking at a spot between the eyes. I rarely ever make eye contact, but people rarely, if ever realize it.
Thank you. This is a very well done explanation. I was never diagnosed, but my mom told me finally as an adult that she figured it out with research that I have Asperger’s - now ASD and I took the adhd text which basically reiterated that they did classify me as borderline add as a kid. It sucks though, I didn’t get the help I needed over the years in school and have struggled a lot. I have had chronic migraines and pressure headaches since 2005 and they will help to spiral into an emotional meltdown. I’m on depression and anxiety meds and when they happens I feel like I can’t be helped and worthless.
I learn so much on here. I got so many regrets about guys ive dated in the past I wish I could find now. I had no idea so many people are like me.
Pretty easy to search people on the internet now
I looked up some from my past in 2013. One of them recently contacted me back again. We've been talking almost daily. I hope you're able to locate them.
I'm wondering if my best friends were on the spectrum, or did we share something else in common, like Myers Briggs personality or blood type or something?
Oh, and you're spot on about the gathering of knowledge and information. I have been called everything from a walking encyclopedia, dictionary, to thesaurus, pretty much all of my life; was even called human computer by some teachers for a period when I was a kid...
Before this video, I knew of two women that were definitely on the spectrum and now I can add a sister. The first female I met on the spectrum had all kinds of issues. It was military school and God bless the female NCO's above her, instead of victimizing her, they sensed something was wrong with her. These NCO's taught her all kinds of female things-shaving, wearing makeup, how to handle her menstrual cycle, etc. The second female, I only met briefly, worked at a Burger King. And my sister-my family lived across the street (literally, across the street) from a steel mill from 1946 to 1956. Four children were born in that house, each progressively more damaged from the mercury and other contaminants coming out of the smokestacks. My sister, and a brother, were full blown schizophrenic and autistic (my brother was non verbal until he was five).
😢
You've just described me almost perfectly. I've been thinking I might be autistic for a long time. I brought it up to my therapist last week, and we are looking into finding an assessment location/provider in my area. Thank you for all you do! 💜💜