No. You Cannot Touch My Hair! | Mena Fombo | TEDxBristol
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- čas přidán 18. 12. 2017
- “My seven year old self learnt to tell people what I thought they wanted to hear. By the age of eight I’d convinced the other kids that my hair was made of sponge… because being black it couldn’t be made of ‘hair’.”
Through her own personal story and the hair-raising experiences of other women and girls, Mena Fombo’s TEDxBristol talk is a witty, yet compelling and sometimes dark exploration of the objectification of black women. It's an issue she has spent a lifetime experiencing and exploring, with both a political and creative lens.
Mena is the driving force behind the international campaign “No. You Cannot Touch My Hair” which has attracted contributions from people across the UK and around the world. Over half the respondents said they had their hair touched on a monthly basis by people they’d never met before. 18% said it happened every week. The vast majority described the touching as intrusive, invasive and unwelcome. 90% of those responding identified as female, and the majority were black or of mixed race origin. Some said it felt like being petted in a zoo. Mena says: “We are not animals in zoos - #DONTTOUCH”.
Mena Fombo describes herself as a British Nigerian Bristolian through and through! She is a purposeful coach, facilitator, motivational speaker, consultant and activist with a background working in the arts, the voluntary sector and educational establishments across Europe, the USA, Africa and South Asia.
She is also the founder of The OJiJi Purple Project, a Bristol based non-profit that campaigns for equality, focusing on working with black women and girls through everyday activism, connecting communities and creativity. She is the curator of Bristol’s first Black Girls
Convention.
As a confident, black woman, who has overcome a lifetime of adversity and personal experiences of injustice, she has carved out a role for herself as a creative activist, working tirelessly to support the political, social and economic equality of black people and women. She is passionate about social change, the development of people, values-based leadership and creating powerful learning experiences. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx
I can't even imagine my child coming home and telling me that grown men and women made her undress to look at her! That is a horrible thing to do to anyone, but especially a child. And you can see how it still effects her. That's a lawsuit right there.
yes very horrible
fr they all woulda been in jail
You're massively right
What was the purpose of that?
Me either... I'd go up to that school and make them do the same then kick their asses.
I was on an exercise bike at a clinic, a physical therapist walk by, said something in reference to my Nubian Locks, reached out an touch my hair! I said immediately don't touch my hair, she pulled back in shock, like she had a right to touch me. A week or so later, the same person walked by and placed her hand on my upper back and proceed to sneak touch my locks. I was shocked! I waited until the next day, she was sitting at her desk, walked over to her; she looked as though "What is she going to do now?" I reached out and grabbed a handful of her silky thin hair. She just looked at awe at me and I back away. So far, she has not attempted to touch my hair again. I would like a t-shirt too
Loll
I've never seen anything like this before. That's so strange.
I'm going to ask my friends who have afro hair if they get the same treatment
@@pennyriviera4713 Yes. WE do. I am 65. It has been going on forever.
Wow! ❤️👏👏👏
When my mom does my hair she tells me " dont let people touch your hair your not a petting zoo"
I told my girls the same thing I also told them that they dont have to hug or give kisses when relatives ask if they didn't want to. No one should be touched in anyway without their permission. When someone tries touching my girls hair without permission I say to them well don't you feel entitled today and it usually makes them walk away.
Waouh very good advice I like your mom😎
@@destinywest9593 seriously?
@@courageousplayercourageous1717 when my best friends daughter was molested they found out that the man who did it was an uncle and he used the fact that the parents had always said go give uncle a hug and a kiss when they arrived as power over the girl it made me think about what I would be teaching my daughters if I forced them to hug or give kisses to people they didn't want to even family members. I wanted my daughters to know they had power and control over their bodies.
@@destinywest9593 yes that's true you're right
One time I decided to wear my natural hair out in school. I was super excited to show it to my friends. Next thing I know a kid walks behind me and touches my hair. I freaked out and looked behind me. The kid stood there kinda frozen. I screamed at them and said, “Hey! Why’d you touch my hair!? I don’t even know you!!” They replied “Well.. your hair is sooo fluffy! I couldn’t resist!” I was clearly pissed and slapped their hand. They replied upset, “Owww! Why did you do that!?” I said “Well.. your hand just needed a slap! I couldn’t resist!” They backed off luckily.
Serves them right
crazy that grown adults act that way too - and they tend to think it’ll be ok if they ask first - shocked when they hear no back as if they have a right to touch anything on your body - just barbaric really. Makes me wonder how they where raised - for real!
Brilliant!
BETTER TELL EM SISTER
Lol
I don’t understand why anyone would think they’re entitled to touch anything on anyone 🧐🤨🤦🏽♀️ I’ve been through this in my younger days and um 😐 I started smacking folks cause I felt threatened. They stopped.
I love your response. Sometimes you just have to take it there.
Tbh if they invade your personal space you’re allowed to smack them
Whatever gets them to stop
Okay, I don't wanna do a handshake with you, if you have that perspective.
Angie: I don't want anyone touching me, man or woman , young or old. Strangers and coworkers would pat me on my back . one guy at work pat me on my back in the way you would pat a dog 🐕. I grabbed him by his neck squeezing very hard and told him to never touch me again. Another time I was in line when these two guys just walked in front of me, I checked them then one apologized and at the same time began putting his hand on my shoulder, I told him, don't touch me, I didn't touch you, keep your hands to yourself. His face turned so red that I thought 💭 it was going to explode.
CZcams needs a standing ovation button next to the like button
When she put her fist up, I went "amandla, mbokoto" lol
AGREE!
Thoriso Molefe YOU ARE CORRECT!!
EXACTLY!!!!
💯❗️
I feel a bit naive that I never even realized this was an issue. What an utterly bizarre thing to think it's ok to go up to anyone and stick your hands in their hair, with or without asking. I had a coworker once who had absolutely gorgeous, long curly ringlets that I always admired. So, I told her I loved her beautiful hair. Without touching it. You know, like a normal person with respect for people's personal boundaries. I don't even like it when people crowd me in line at the grocery store, I can't imagine what I would feel like if people thought it was ok to just walk up and pet my head on a regular basis. For anyone who does put up with this, I'm sorry.
Thank you for doing it in such a respectful way! I in no way have coily hair, but I _do_ have ridiculously thick dark curly hair. The kind that I could lose half of it and still have thick hair. And I’ve not only had people stroke or grab my hair but cut at it with scissors. Again, thanks for being aware of boundaries.
I don't understand how it's not a common sense not to touch anyone in anyway without their consent. It baffles me some people don't understand it.
Because we don't all have a common life of experiences. 70+ year old woman are so likely to touch babies and kids without asking, but even 60 year old woman don't do it nearly as often. Every generation we move the standard for acceptable.
If the senior is still working and staying involved in society, they need to keep up to date. Someone who's retired, on a pension, and really only waiting 10+ years to die, they are the ones who get a pass in my book. (once you check out of modern society, I judge you by the one you grew up in.)
In mammals and many cultures it's a form of social grooming for forming bonds. It's instinct and people without many friends, don't get clearly told why they don't.
I had one friend who I finally felt bad enough about his treatment, I asked him if he wanted the cold hard truth. He didn't know his 6 or so habits that pushed everyone away, even though we all discussed it behind his back. He was shocked to find out what exactly the things were. People very rarely just tell someone calmly what about the behaviour is off putting and so they continue doing so. It is either left un mentioned, or it is a blow up and the person being yelled at doesn't understand an over reaction.
@@kyleellis9177 finally a smart person. It's not always a race thing or a zoo thing. Not every situation the same. Thank you. The way I saw it.....I saw it as a form of flattery
Very few people do.
In fact it's extremely rare
@@faithcyan2462 finally a comment I agree with well two I agree with
@@faithcyan2462 Well, you clearly are one of those touchers who can't stand to hear the truth. Seek help.
people are fkn weird I can't imagine going up to a stranger n playing with their hair or touching them wtf like I'm sorry but that is acc really weird
Yes it is weird its so weird that people dont do it
Yes...they do...
Jack Darcy you can’t deny other peoples actual experiences
When flirting..goes creepy!..not cute or cool......agreed pretty weird
@@MrHarding51 It literally happened to me 3 days ago, how are you just gonna erase someone's experiences like that?
OMG- I cannot believe I came across this, my son attended an all White school when in kindergarten and elementary. I was always at the school due to hair touching! The children were allowed to touch him. However, he was not allowed to touch their hair back. I threatened to get a Lawyer. My son would come home frustrated so much due to being told not to touch the other children’s hair. He would say mommy “they are touching my hair first “. After I went to the school unannounced-and recorded it in action. I heard it announced over the loud speaker I was in the building! That’s when things change...
skyniquee change how
@debra Berry, children are just curious, i was as a kid. I once touched the hair of a boy in my class, he got furious. I was nine and didn't understand, it bothered me for a long time. He never explained why we were not friends anymore. I don't believe in 'them' and 'us'.. I think we should interact more and talk to eachother and not talk about eachother..
@debra Berry, you are responding to skyniques comment, she is talking about children in kindergarten and elementary school. Who is 'them'?
@debra Berry, you use the word 'them.. So in your eyes there is a' we' vs 'them'.. I don't, i am asking you who 'them' is, but i guess it will remain a secret.
@debra Berry, i never mentioned a all white school, i didn't even use the word white..
I can’t believe they violated and examined her like that! 😔
"if your hair wasnt so beautiful we wouldnt touch it" EXCUSE ME? EXCUSE ME- THATS ABSURD- YOU WOULDN'T USE THAT EXCUSE FOR LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE- THATS ABSURD
This was so touching I was moved to tears! I also believe we should add "Do not stare" to this movement. I've had people stare at me as if I'm an alien or an extinct species.
Yes.
I live in canada and deal with this every day.
Absolutely! I'm biracial, not lab experiment.
My skin and hair is not exotic. Im not a freaking wild animal.
Yep me too stare you down
I applaud the speaker for raising this issue, and for reminding us of what happened to Ms. Sarah Baartman. No one should experience an unwanted touch. Period.
Queen Shayla Exactly, smh
Yes! I agree!
"Hottentot Venus" the great-grandmother of Southern Africa's primordial people.
Love it. I worked as a sales associate for a few years in a place that got visitors from around the world and once a foreigner yanked my hair for my attention. I was pretty furious. More people need to be educated. Touching hair to me is like touching any other part of the body. It is ME, not YOU. Hands off.
When my daughter was 2 she had the most gorgeous little ringlets. I was walking with her, and her baby brother in the pram. An older woman walked past us and said 'lovely hair!' She stretched her hand out and played with my daughters curls as she walked off. My daughter was VERY confused and upset by this, howling and crying.
The motivation is different, isn't it? Please try to see the difference.
@@utpaladevi4760 How so?
In my opinion, we shouldn’t fuzz so much about the intention. Touching someone without consent is never right. 🤷♀️
Why didn't you stop her?
@@utpaladevi4760 Maybe the motivation, in this case, was different yet the actions were still the same and STILL NOT OKAY!
I'm South African and when you spoke about your shower ordeal the first thing that came to my mind was Sarah Baartman
Mma Molefe, Molo. this scared me
I can't believe we still experience this in 2019! It's infuriating!!
I'm at 1:37 and that's exactly who I thought of. This is infuriating that people still think something like this is okay.
People are not freakshows to be looked at, touched, poked, and prodded.
I cried at that part
@UCKGvefHYr3kuO7vtoVSbuUQ
@UCKGvefHYr3kuO7vtoVSbuUQ
This may be off topic but how do you feel about whats going on in South Africa with the murder of white farmers it seems that many blacks world wide stand in solidarity with the blacks who murder white farmers they see it as a kind of justice
It's sad we have to even say...don't touch my hair. Smh
it is sad. It is sad we are getting alienated and cold to each other. To the point we perceive every approach as negative.
@@MIVAN9778 I'm sorry you like getting your hair touched by random people
@@MIVAN9778 so if I thought your skin looked soft (fyi it doesn't but let's pretend) and decided to walk up to you, say nothing, and just start stroking your face... you're saying that'd be fine and not feel weird? Like okay robot, I'm glad you're happy to give any part of your body away at the whims of strangers. But just so you're aware, most humans aren't that disassociated with our bodies...
It’s sad we have to say ‘don’t touch me without my permission.’ Some people seem to not get your hair is a part of you...you literally grew it yourself!
Wahhh
When I was younger, ppl used to look at my hair with awe because I had these gorgeous locks. They spiral in many directions and every lock looked different from the other. So of course ppl got curious and would randomly grab my hair. I used to think “does my hair look weird?? Is it so weird that they just cant keep their hands away??” It made me feel like an Alien. Yes I loved the compliments but I also did feel like my hair is weird. It made me not want curly hair. I wanted to straighten it. But when I grew up, I ended up loving it. It is gorgeous. Even I wonder how every lock looks different from the other. Thank you for the compliment but please dont touch my hair.
AMEN 🙅🏾♀️ STOP ASKING TO TOUCH MY HAIR!! IM NOT A CAT.. I have had my hair touched at least 10 times since I been natural..
When people reach out to touch my braids, I usually say "I have hair on other parts of my body....do you want to touch that too???" But I am usually told that I am being rude...well I guess I WILL BE RUDE. ✊🏽
I don't mind IF you ask and if I FEEL that it's coming from and honest, curious place (sooo...that would be people under the age of 10!)
@Jooles J rude is the one touching other people without permission
@@aninfinitelyvixxedvip6 Exactly!
Jooles J yeeees! I must say this has happened to me only in Europe and I find it weird af. Like, white chicks would do exactly what you describe to my hair. It is sooo weird. In Mexico my hair is different and I would understand (but not like it, obviously 😂). But here people ask and if I say yes then touch it. In Europe? Nah, people would just touch me. And being foreigner, I feel like I’m being treated like a pet. Mind you my hair is not that different in Europe nor thaat curly. I just don’t get it 🤷🏽♀️
Nat Tr so you only take offense when white people do it? Typical. Ever think it might be your own issue? What I mean is you say you feel like a pet when some do it, noone can help the way we feel. Sounds to me like it may be your own issue. No offense it could be something stemming back from slavery days or something.
@@MB-mq1sf looks like the point of the video went over your head. Did you even watch it?
Just because I'm different from you. I'm not a pet. You may ask questions but don't touch someone you don't know.
@Mx1air you seem miserable. Insulting someone who wasn’t even addressing you is low life behavior
Do you know how many Africans want to touch my hair? A LOT! I'm white AF btw...
I agree.
@@vkngwmn6636 ... where doing live?..
Your history is not mine!!
@@roxiet7016 Don't be daft and learn how to write a proper sentence. Stop being a victim as well because it's not helping you. Your hangups about your hair are BORING btw...
I am shocked at people who think it’s ok to invade someone personal space by touching their hair, this talk is a great educational tool for those who maybe unaware just how wrong it is.
As a person with a visible disability, people often "help" by pushing my chair without asking. They ask what happened to me and more. Don't touch, don't ask and mind your own business.
It's actually the same principle as the hair touching. It's the entitlement and privilege that lead some people to think it's okay to invade someone else's space. I'm sorry this has happened to you. My co-worker is in a wheelchair and I've asked him if he wants help (he has attenuated arms) but I'd never dream of pushing his wheelchair. He's very proud of his independence getting from one place to another on his own.
Don't touch my hair 👩🏽🦱 cause it's the feelings I wear, don't touch my soul.
kimberley williams girl that’s my song😭❤️
Girl, Solange said it so well!
@@marissawilson4644 right🙌🏽
Yes, Solange.✊🏽💕👆🏽
Love that song!
If I see someone with really great hair, I go up to them and tell them: Hey, I think your hair is really nice!
And then I leave. I don’t do stuff to other people, that I wouldn’t like if they did to me.
Miri I wish everyone did that lol
Beautifully said.
That's simple common courtesy and common sense, right? But, unfortunately, there are people out there who think it's their rights to violate other people's personal spaces and bodies, and can do so with impunity.
If anyone touches your hair, just touch their hair back without asking. They'll immediately realise it's uncomfortable and hopefully not do it again
She was forced to remove her clothes as a child! Why on earth are we talking about hair? Being abused or forced to remove your clothes are as child is much more tramatic!
You don't get it and never will and that's your privilege.
I think she does, that was a form of child abuse so if you think that's not important, think again.
The point is it all started because of them touching her hair... BASICALLY JUST DON'T TOUCH ME.... AT ALL...
"Is the motivation different because the actions are still the same" powerful words of truth
i dunno. People do it to me too, but i am white as heck with my poofy hair, so wheres the answer?
@@annasvobodova8811 Tell them not to touch you. Stand up for yourself and don't let people invade your personal space.
@@annasvobodova8811 literally the same motivation.
I have very straight blonde hair and get 'petted' all the time. As a young child grown people, some I knew but mostly strangers would pet my head and talk about how soft and shiny my hair was (never addressing me directly). "Sue....come feel her hair". I'm in my 50's now. It still happens. Sometimes men but mostly women. Never ask just start running their hands in my hair. Most of the time never even addressing me still. I'm out with lifelong friends on a girl's night out and washing my hands in the ladies room and feel someone playing with my hair. My friends chuckle, "That's just so weird that you still get that."
Having said that I remember being 4 years old in a swimming pool and there was a young man in his teens with the largest afro I'd seen. I was fascinated because when he went underwater and then resurfaced it would flatten and then suddenly get its shape back. I was mesmerized. Because I was staring he said hi and after we talked for a few I asked if I could touch his hair. He laughed and tilted his head towards me. Living with my ordinary flat hair made me think his was glorious. Now I look back and worry I made him feel uncomfortable. As a child I was admiring his hair and curious. But even at 4 I knew not to touch anyone without permission.
Ellen h Wow, still to this day? At least you understand what all the fuss is about. It was very considerate of you to ask permission from the man. Because he laughed, I’m guessing he understood your curiosity & was fine with your request, also, probably mildly amused. I wish more people would just be kind enough to ask first as you did. Thanks for sharing.
@@zhaystyle I hope you are right regarding his response. Another strange thing I've learned to live with is being approached by Asian tourists, not to take their group picture like one would assume, but to have their picture taken with me. They gather the group around and start taking pics. Makes me feel a bit like a circus oddity.
Ellen h A whole group? I’ve seen that happen to people visiting other countries... I can only imagine how that must feel. I do understand a little bit the circus freak feeling depending on how people approach you. Just yesterday a stranger reached for my hair, but quickly apologized because I was slightly startled. Occasionally, a tourist will ask to take or sneak a pic, but never a group! You must have a great disposition to have been able to deal with this for all your life? I bet it has made you want to dye your hair at least once, just to get a break, lol! Hopefully, most people you’ve experienced have been on kinder side with their approach and maybe even more will watch this video and learn from it.
Don’t worry Ellen, you had good intentions and you did the right thing by asking first.
In some cultures, touching someone's hair is a gesture of friendship! Those who wear weaves and wigs are sometimes annoyed by people touching their "hair" (a family member wears a wig and doesn't like people to touch it), but generally speaking it is an overture of friendship and not meant to be antagonistic!
I can't believe I have never thought of it from this persepctive. I have always thought "hmm, I guess it would be pretty annoying but isn't it a compliment in some ways?" It is strange that even though I thought that I never really came to the conclusion that Mena has described...
She makes a powerful and fair statement that has changed my persepctive!
You people yes you people always think you're right but really you're always wrong
People always ask me why I never wear my hair down, this is why, I'm terrified to wear my hair in anything other than a tight bun.
Same...twists and a scarf..
Oh man. 😢
Don't be terrified most won't touch your hair. Buns are nice
I got my hair touched at work I cussed her out so fast I forgot where I was. But she never has touched my hair again.
Your comment made me laugh so hard. I mean crying laughing.😂😂
@Mx1air yeah the woman that touched her hair.
@Mx1air you missed my point. the woman touching her hair was aggressive. she had no business touching her... period. getting cussed out is just the way it was handled. nothing overly sensitive about it. keep your hands to yourself. PERIOD.
@Mx1air you don't get to decide how a person responds to being touched. you do understand this, correct? you not cussing someone out doesn't mean someone else will. repeat... YOU... don't get to decide how ANYONE ELSE responds to being touched. PERIOD.
Grow up
I'm a big admirer of Mena Fombo. Her clear message has deep roots showing us that racism is still with us in totally unacceptable ways. She has called us out to account - Don't Touch.
@Josh Orr-Fahey ....wut?
@Josh Orr-Fahey wouldnt it be the other way round?
@Misha Dunn Indeed you are right,stay strong brother.The way to heaven is narrow and through Yashua.
whats her clear message? I am fighting the civil war 100 years later? get over it! World went on long time ago!
@@MIVAN9778 the caucasity of it all, that's easy for you to say you're not the one suffering from it
"I eat mouse" " I eat snake" That's bloody brilliant!
We taught our daughter to say "Don't touch my hair, I'm not a pet!" when people in stores either touch her hair or ask can they. It's really, really weird that this even happens.
Sarah ‘Saartjie’ Baartman story is so very heartbreaking
@queenbeethatme100 even if that were true, how is it related to this presentation?
@queenbeethatme100 you're just seeking attention.
Meme Queen it is true she died from NUMEROUS STDs
@@chxrbb_dxllhouse5403 yea, so...
@@chxrbb_dxllhouse5403 continue your useless statement
I cried. So much truth 😔😔😔😔... People who never experienced it cannot understand and downplay what we go thru. They equate it to them being occasionally touched but know nothing about it occuring every. single. day...
No offense, but Asians go to Asia if they don't like it here. There is no reason for your suffering when you have another option. The country where your family came from. People go into other countries, find racism and go back home. Whites aren't well accepted in some countries at all.
I turned grey early, and at about 50 had a head of bright white with grey locks. One downtown Atlanta day I found myself waiting in a hallway with other parents as our children were playing jazz. A professional illustrator, I went everywhere with a drawing pad and pen, often leaving people with my work as unexpected small pleasures. Two young children were captivated not with my drawing, but with my hair. Their mom told them not to touch unless they asked politely. I was tickled by their interest and childish innocence. They asked so nicely and I got down to their level. They were hesitant at first, but then oohed and ahhhed, giggling and comparing with each other what they felt. They said they wanted soft hair like mine so I proposed we trade as I wanted such a fine dark head of hair as theirs. They contemplated that for awhile then refused the trade as their mother and I laughed silently. Mom was grateful for my kindness, but I was the one given the gift.
That was a wonderful experience because an actual human connection was made before any touching took place. Mena is talking about the opposite, which is problematic for people who do not feel respected by total strangers taking advantage of their civility.
@@eggedon6112 Yes, I understand how marginalized and abused she felt. Something was taken rather than given freely, something appropriated rather than shared. Violating someone's human dignity is harmful and builds walls. Dragging down those walls takes kindness, humility, and, as you wrote, a human connection.
I know there's people out there who will hear this phenomenal lecture she created it. And it will go completely in one ear and out the other. It's crazy af 💯
I am tired of people, and even kids of touching my child's hair. I am going to lose it on them one day.
dreamagery they’re your child you have the right to tell them to stop you go girl
American Born I don’t think she can call the police for harassment when it’s strangers in the street
Axel Foil no I imagine her child has got naturally curly hair and so some reason people think it’s ok to stroke the child’s hair and the mom is getting sick of it as the child is not a dog
Axel Foil why are you saying child in speech marks like it’s sarcastic, also she hasn’t put the child on “display” she simply just stated that she hated people touching her child’s hair
@@tayler8120 strangers that put their hands on her.
She's really pretty. I enjoyed her talk.
bruh. you really gonna think about her hair like that?
Me too. For once she was honest!
You're more pretty with the most charming smile.
@ihatescreennames89 What you see as pretty isn't necessarily the same as what others do, if you don't see that you are the one that is disconnected from reality. 417 people as well as I find her pretty so work on your outlook and become more connected to the world as a whole
I wish I had seen this a few years ago. I had to explain to a co-worker awkwardly why this was not o.k. I don't think she ever understood why, but got the idea not to touch my hair. The worse part of it is when people try to tell you that it looks more beautiful when it is straight than when it is natural.....UGH! Whether you are touching my hair out of curiosity or to be mean you are still stepping in my bubble. So if we are not close or related, don't do it!
This happened to my son in school and he nearly got an assault charge. We had to bring the point to the assistant principal that the child who touched his hair was responsible for our son's response since this had been going on for a while and the teacher did nothing about it.
I work with Mena. She is an inspiration.
she seems awesome!
Hey Stowin, how could I communicate with Mena?. Cheers from Colombia
Ah I would've love to work with Mena!
@Misha Dunn
Continue to spread the word (planting seeds) my Sister, their time is almost fulfilled (gentiles). What will happen then, everyone should find out for themselves.
really? A lair is an inspiration to you? Good grief!
It's really sad that the world has become so bad that they do TED talks on manners. It's sad there are even TED talks on how to have manners. People need to start parenting better and show their children how to show others respect. Sorry if that offends anyone reading this comment but you might be offended because I'm talking about parents like you if you are seriously offended by my comment.
Chad Jones No one in their right mind should be offended by your comment. You’re speaking truth.
Its all bad parenting to blame, most parents dont teach how to be physically comfortable with eachother and themselves
@@idiotburns I think many people end up with these quirks because it's treated as "all or nothing," and there's so much shame attached to making mistakes or having an imperfection.
I think we blame parents a lot, but when parents get neurotic about flaws, it actually produces more flaws
Do not apologize. there is no need
The message started off more jokingly but it got serious very fast, she is so strong.
I'm a white girl with orange hair, and people always touch my hair just because of the colour and because they are "curious as to why my hair seems to be a different texture every day". So annoying!
I totally get it only 2 percent of the populas is red haired I dyed my hair because I was sick of it! now I love my hair.
red headed women are often fetishied.
@@squigglyline6488 aren't blonde women too?
Don’t run up on me to touch my hair, please don’t touch my stomach I may go into defense mode. Ask first, I just may say yes.
@American Born EXACTLY
Nope. I say “No” ever time... do I look like an freaking pony at a petting zoo?A kind no, with no explanation
I agree... ask first. It was only after months of respectful rapport that a few fellow students (white) in high school asked to touch my hair. I didn't mind, because the friendships were already established. Besides, in elementary, a few white friends let me style their hair -- years after our friendships became strong. Friendship and rapport preceded the request. Sometimes we played around with styling each other's hair.
I'm not saying yes. It's a really bad idea to touch me. No seriously. Don't touch me. Period.
Nope... not going to say yes...
My wife deals with this often , and so do I. She has almost 4 ft of hair( she has dread locs) women have actually reached out grabbed a handful of her hair. Like wtf is wrong with you??? You don’t invade someone’s space like this.
I actually got called mean because I asked a person to not touch my hair. Keep in mind that they touched my hair several times and never asked. Personally, I don't mind if the person asks first but if I say no, respect it.
OMG! From manchester here.Went to an all white boarding school at the age of ten with a beautifully maintained afro. After my first year I shaved it all off and I've had it short ever since. I hadn't realised the psychological damage it had done until a few years back when I suddenly realised why I was so angry throughout my teens. The harassment and comments about my hair were just horrific. That combined with a lack of support killed my self esteem for decades.
I'm ginger and have had strangers touch my hair, though I've always been asked for permision beforehand. I don't know why people feel entitled to touch someone else without even asking.
oh totally and I'm also a redhead.
“Sometimes u just gotta tell people what they want to hear” yep it was actually easier for my friends to believe that people in iran go to school on camels than me trying to convince them that there are cars in the middleeast too!! Aagh
Monxampion I’ve told Americans who found out that I lived in Canada that I lived in Igloos (because they did not believe we have houses here). I have also told Americans who found out I was from Trinidad that I lived in a hut, (because they do not believe we have houses there)...
Oh...my gosh
@@Gypcie So how do you feel like a liar now?
Kids are like that. I'm sorry that you had to go to that length
Monxampion oh noooo😩😩 it just goes to show you how uncultured people Are. Sometimes it’s not their fault, but the fault of the guardians or parents for that lack of exposure.
Said all of that to say, people that have not seen for themselves tend to need a grandiose picture painted in order to believe. At least that’s the conclusion I’ve come to😅.
Miseducation & lack of multi-cultural exposure will have people believing anything.
Unwanted touching of hair happens to men, too. I have long hair (almost to my waist) and everywhere I go the ladies I meet compliment my hair and then feel they can just rake their hands thru it without even asking.
Nobody should be touching anyone, anywhere without permission.
Very bad manners.
I'm a white girl who has curly hair and people ask to touch it every once in a while but I have never even considered people just reaching for it without asking. This has really opened my eyes and made me realise how weird some people are and how we need to be teaching people about boundaries! Thank you for this video it was very insightful and really made me think :)
I don't think I've ever seen a characteristic on a stranger and thought 'ooh I should go touch them'.
right? who raised these people istg
Such a wonderful illustration of how big, widespread, systemic injustices and prejudices can manifest as something that seems small but is actually massively invasive on an individual level. This talk was so enlightening and informative and it made me realize that I need to be a better ally to people who deal with things like this.
@@amale2689 🤦🏾♂️
It's a personal attack to anyone when you Touch someone without Consent. People aren't in a petting Zoo, but some people are their Ancestors that's why it continues current day. You see how the people in the Video reacted when they were on the other end of Unwanted Touching.
@@chrissyg55 its so funny i have never seen this happen and know nobody this happens to and everytime people moan about it they dont record it instead they do what this cow did and just video themselves doin it to others
@@MrHarding51 Be careful, you're true colours are showing 🙄
@@MrHarding51 The strangers (and sometimes acquaintances) who randomly come up and touch them don't usually announce themselves so how can they record it? Just curious?
Your story brings back the memory of my first year in college, 1976. I had three roommates that was so interested in my hair, asking about the texture, how does it feel, how do I comb it and wanting to touch it. I also remember walking into a barbershop, the barber was sitting in his chair reading a newspaper and smoking a cigar. So when he finally noticed me he jumped up saying " I can't cut your hair, my clippers aren't sharp enough for your kind of hair. "
I wish I saw this closer to the time of this amazing talk. I have always had natural hair, but straightened it consistently until recently. Now my biggest natural hair challenge is being an attorney with natural hair ... and it is a bummer. But I'm determined to normalize my hair for the women around me, and the girls coming up after me. Thank you for this amazing talk. 💕
Okay, WHAT????? Like, I get wanting to touch her hair. It looks fabulous and looks to have a fun texture. But WHAT!?!?!? Touching it randomly without her consent, and straight up not asking first?!?! When you don't even know here?!?! WHAT ARE THESE PEOPLE ON!?!???
Agreed! I was in a store once and this woman walked up to me, stared at me, and just started running her hands through my hair. I was shocked at first...then I pushed her away from me.
Some people are nuts.
We are on ...mushrooms
My teacher also touched my hair and recimmended that the rest of the class have a go because it was soooo fluffy and soft
KMT 🙄🙄🙄🙄
I slapped my Kindergarten Teacher when I was 5yrs old for touching my hair. Lol. It was the first day of school, and my mom was standing right next to me. My initial response was to swerve my head so I did and said " Don't touch my hair, please." Apparently she was deaf because she reached again stating " But it's so fascinating, is it your hair?" So as she reached, I slapped her hand. She looked at my mother with a shocked look on her face. My mom's response was "She said don't touch her hair." Never happened again. 🤣🤣🤣🤣
😂😂😂
@@genicee86 Glad to hear that...Your mother said right... Sounds like what my Gma would've said...
genicee86 LOL 😂 😂 I fell off my my bed of laughter after reading this
KMT? You're Jamaican
My hair gets touched a lot and some kids at my school think it’s funny to try and pull my hair out or cut my hair and when I have my hair platted they ask can u feel me touching your hair or does it hurt when I touch you. But when I tell them to stop they act surprised as if I’m offending them
People don't usually intend to degrade or be aggressive towards people with afros when they touch them. A "minority" of people have our type of hair, so it is unique and there is a sense of curiosity. They really should ask before touching it, acknowledging that we are people. They should also be able to take no for an answer.
8:18 "It takes all types of people to make a world and there is absolutely nothing wrong with you." TRUTH!
I’ve been asked by non-Blacks if they can touch my hair (by men and women). When I was living in Japan the Japanese would walk up and touch our friend Matt’s hair (he has Blonde hair/blue eyes). I remember Matt use to be so pissed 😡 every time they did this... I was just happy it wasn’t me 😂
I can relate to your friend. I'm blonde green eyed and have Japanese people approach me and want to take a picture with me. Kinda makes me feel like circus oddity.
You never get to say, "You can't touch my hair." They just dive In...usually from behind cuz they know they're wrong. I don't touch anyone's hair. WHY do I constantly have other people's hands in mine?
So true!
I agree don’t touch my hair Our strength and my children’s hair. Thank You Queen
Hair is part of our body and our self. We own ourselves. How dare anyone touch any part of you without permission. It's a crime, assault.
Thank you. I can't stand for anyone to touch my hair! Wonderful speech.
I WILL SLAP THEM!
@@chrigael5911 Go for it. I wanna be there and see how that will end up!
@@MIVAN9778 well let us meet and you will SEE where YOU'LL end up! 😂😂😂😂😂
@@chrigael5911 Nope. i usually meet with intellegent people. haters are not my type. Stay where you are. I do not want to touch you or get anywhere near you. Thank you.
@@MIVAN9778 *Intelligent* people know how to spell. I take it you don't possess the same skill as the people you desire to meet. Oh well!
When I was in 4th grade some random girls kept messing with my hair. I went up to the teacher and told her and her response was:
"Your hair is really pretty but it is a bit of a distraction. Maybe you should put in up."
F i g h t me -
wtfffff
That hurts my heart. Ugh.
That teacher is messed up
the only people i’ve ever let touch my hair is my close close friends who’re actually wondering about my hair. it happened in 8th grade, and my friends had always asked and were gentle with it. i’ve never let random people come up to me and touch my hair, and i’ll try to avoid them no matter what.
When they ask, is that all your hair. In a public setting, the gall
I absolutely HATE that. Then I proceed to ask them if that’s all of their hair. The looks of confusion and how their frozen faces scream “of course this is my hair” astounds me.
Those human zoo's got me choked up.😥...just to think of the things we have endured and to know we r still surviving n thriving shows we r true kings n queens ✊🏾🖤👑
Lovaofmuzik4eva ....ummm, No.
Exactly
???
I swear this is where they get it from! They inherently think that we are animals! Though we are not the ones with the foreign DNA
I think the last one closed in 1970s
This is simply so important to know and understand. I have travelled a lot and have been in strange situations where I have been touched, friends have been followed and harassed and it is all not okay - but these incidents have not been in my home settings. I truly appreciate this clarity and education on how it feels to be seen and treated differently as a continual experience. DON'T TOUCH! And Gigi - your comment...DON"T STARE at others either! Beautiful, worthy and important boundaries.
After 19 years on this earth I’m so grateful someone finally said it
I feel the same way I don’t like it and it’s frustrating to tell people NOT to touch my hair!
Why is it so unpleasant for you? Cause you do not like ppl in general or cause you do not like white people?
milena do you want me to yank your hair out? do you want me to tangle your hair and then you have to go home and wash it for 3 hours to get people’s greasy fingers out of your hair? exactly, since you have “beautiful hair” why can’t you touch your own hair?
milena Time for some serious self reflection. It’s never too late to change a heart filled with hate to one filled with love. Do it while you’re still got time. It’ll be worth it.
@@MIVAN9778 It's people like you that are the problem
milena I’m sure the issue is with entitled people, no matter the race.
I agree... ask first. It was only after months of respectful rapport that a few fellow students (white) in high school asked to touch my hair. I didn't mind, because the friendships were already established. Besides, in elementary, a few white friends let me style their hair -- years after our friendships became strong. Friendship and rapport preceded the request. Sometimes in junior high we played around with each other's hair. I think the curiosity (and respect) was mutual in my case.
Thank you for saying that.
I can’t even imagine going through what she has. My heart breaks for the people of color who have to deal with such ignorance! I have never been one to touch without permission, but I also have never seen the need to just grab at someone’s hair. Man, we gotta do better people.
I can’t stand when people touch my hair without asking. If you would have asked I would say yes, but the fact that you don’t even care to ask and just invade my personal space just because you wanted to is very rude.
"If the motivations are really different, then we need our actions to be that change!" Such a precious punchline!
I'm 64 yrs and white woman in a white district. In the last year, 3 white women have handled my hair and been shocked when I told them to stop, that it invaded my privacy. One apologised whole heartedly, was mortified when she realised why I was annoyed. One apologised, though I don't think she understood what for. The third justified it by saying she was a hairdresser. When I pointed out that she was not MY hairdresser, she still thought she was in the right and I was overreacting. When I asked whether I could touch her genitals, being as how I am a gynaecologist (I'm not... but), she was horrified. I think she understood by the time we parted company.... I don't remember it happening before, my sympathies to those to whom it happens often, I'm definitely on your side. I adore Mena's style, it's wonderful, a great face-frame. BTW, I don't think my own hair is in any way exceptional (either good or bad, in shape, texture or colour), it's just wavy. Maybe they wanted their hands to surf the waves?
A gynecologist?? That's quite crafty, Crafty Pam! I love the comparison as hair is equally as personal and spiritual as genitals.
Lol I love your comment Pam ♥️ The gynecologist statement was GOLD.
I worked in a nursing home where a patient touched my hair. I didn't think nothing of it. But that is me. But definitely if a person doesn't you in their personal space, it should be respected.
In New York City, a lot of those people who were touching children and others body and hair would have gotten their teeth knocked out for that. We don’t take touching lightly here.
Thank you for talking about this because sometimes it gets too much. I have been asked several times if that's my hair.and sometimes I wonder if people are mad
As a white person, I can say I’ve been curious. But any kind of hair-touching is either for beauty professionals or close loved ones. Your spouse, your kids. That goes the same for anybody.
Mad? As in crazy?... or jealous of you having nice hair?
💯👏👏👏 yes, it goes deeper than hair.
Beautiful thumbnail
No, Fatima, it doesn't. Get over yourself. White ppl want to touch your hair bc they are curious as to what it feels like. That's all.Ppl today weren't taught to be sensitive to others so you have to teach them.
yes. It does. She is still fighting the civil war!
milena no she fighting that greasy face you have of yours.
@@xxrihannaxx7728 I like my face. I am so sorry you do not. Oh well.
Beautifully said. Don't touch others without their permission, furthermore, don't ask unless you are in a specific situation that you have to touch, such as a nurse or a doctor's office, etc. You don't touch others, period.
When this video came out on CZcams, was the same day I got my hair touched. I’m mixed Romani (Sinti+Balkan Rom). Romani originate from 🇵🇰🇮🇳. When I got home that day and told my parents, they were furious. My dad was seething. My mum who’s white was like “how dare they, I’m emailing into your sixth form/ school. I’ve had enough. They did it when you were little, not now not ever again”.
This is great Mena! This is the story of my childhood also with unwanted touching of my hair. Say it again: Don't Touch My Hair!
This woman’s message is perfect. DONTTOUCHMYHAIR👩🏽🦱👩🏾🦱👩🏿🦱💋
The part about the doctor at the school made me really really deeply uncomfortable. That’s really upset me. Can’t believe she had to go through that xxxxxx
This has to be one of the best TedTalks Ive seen. The presentation, the the way that Mena went into her research as well as the history, giving people direct actions that they can take away regardless of who they are or what they look like. The way that she lead us in to her experiences if racism, the explanation that racism and ignoarance breed microaggresssion which will grow up to be what could only be expected, and then breaking the silence of complacency right away knowing that if people dont practice saying don't touch that they will likely freeze up in real life. Truly Brilliant.
This!!! 🙋🏽♀️ Yes Girl. 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾 My whole life. Thank you for being vulnerable and transparent and sharing your story.❤️🖤💚🥰🤗
One said to me its because they like my hair... my then question was does that then mean i can just start grabbing anything on your body that i like?
Thobeka Buthelezi - I’ll remember that one, that’s a good one! Mine was always well do you rip paintings out of art museums? Appreciate from a distance, you see with your eyes not your hands
This is the closest I could come to understanding as a white woman. My body has been violated countless times by men as a young girl and woman. Nobody should be touched without permission. I can’t imagine going through it my entire life because people find my hair to be so novel. Makes my heart hurt so many have had to go through this.
"Oh my god your eyes are so pretty" * pokes *
People are wild
If someone touches your hair without permission then do it back. They'll realize how weird and awkward it is.
True. Some of them are just acting innocently without realizing how creepy it is
Suppose you don't want to touch them, though? Some people have poor sanitation habits.
Thank you for sharing this! Hair is a sacred thing. Hair discrimination is a terrible thing as well.
I’m a Caucasian male with long, blonde, kinky curly hair. I don’t mind friends and family touching and playing with my hair, but I always find it disconcerting and inappropriate that a total stranger will touch my hair without asking if it’s alright. No person is a novelty, and nobody exists for your enjoyment. We all have boundaries deserving of acknowledgement and respect.
Ok Yoli
Kinky?
I had a supervisor touch my hair, and pat me on the head on seperate occasns. I was sitting and he came in. I had enuff so I told him I am not your lap dog stop touching me. I will go to hr. I was mad/humiliated. Both white. Wth?
I have a sad suspicion this guy thought he was being friendly. Also he really lacks basic interpersonal skills. ... Maybe poor or no sibling relationships?
In any case the problem is his, not yours. Sad to have adults act like this.
i started growing my natural hair. its nice and curly afro
every single person i met wants to touch my hair.
i dont mind it but i wanna give people perspective
imagine if strangers are touching your hair without your permission or random people asking you "is this your real hair?"
who gets asked if this your real hair. thats my reality !!!!!
I have my natural hair in an Afro and people ask if it’s real and try to touch it everyday 🙄
I only have 3C hair (maybe even 4A in some sections) and people still ask me if it’s real, or if that’s what it actually looks like (because ringlets aren’t naturally occurring apparently), or how annoying it must be to maintain it. My hair is not some exotic animal or petulant child who won’t obey, it’s regular human hair. It has good days and bad days and requires maintenance to look its best like anything else in our appearance
Kazemi Groove - 3C and 4A are numbers on a scale which refer to hair texture. Anything that’s #3 would be curly and anything #4 would be more Afro-like textures (#1 is straight hair and #2 is wavy hair). There’s a little more to it than that, bu that’s the gist. There’s videos on CZcams explaining the scale with picture examples, if you’re interested. Really the system is just a way to describe your hair to others quickly
I dearly wish people would understand how invasive it feels to be touched randomly.
I have very long hair and my former boss used to grab my hair and stress how beautiful it is, whenever I did a new/ different do up, as if she's actually taking credit internally for me and my hair being under her "command" (she was deadly bossy, too)
So I started avoiding doing anything slightly extraordinary with my hair, just to have my peace....she wouldn't listen when I told her to stop it, cause she was deadly offended.
One time we visited some kind of congress when I absentmindedly twisted a part of my hair in different directions as the speech of a member of the company got increasingly boring.
When she finished, we changed rooms and others began to notice and appreciate the unobtrusive locks my twiddling had left.
They amiably told me how amazing my hair was and just when I thanked them, flattered yet uncomfortable, my boss was speedily crossing the room to point out that I was with her, also wanting some of the appreciation.
She grabbed deeply into my hair and said with a fake smile "she can also do very lovely braids, how did they work exactly? Like that?" she was pulling my hair, trying to imitate what I had done just a few minutes ago.
I gave a small yelp, startling her away. "Come on, do it again" she demanded loudly, so everybody turned their heads.
I refused, since the referee wanted to continue, so I moved away.
But before I could leave her reach, she roughly grabbed me, pressing her fingers into my arm and spinning me around while she almost hissed "quit acting up like that. Look at your hair, people want to see it"
Then an old woman 'rescued me' by drawing the attention of the others to herself by talking about her granddaughter, who had very similar hair, causing my boss to drop her need of attention.
Things like this happened so often to me, I stopped counting when I was very little.
People can show their 'amazement' verbally. It doesn't hurt me when people pass by and genuinely friendly say "wow, I wish I could have your amazing hair" where's the harm? Why do some still have to be so invasive? I don't get it
What your boss is doing is hostile and openly aggressive. She needs to be reported.
No you can't touch my hair or make comments about my bottom!
I'm so glad someone is speaking on this. I'm almost 50 and this has happened to me through my entire life. I remember being bullied and my hair pulled by other girls in the neighborhood because my hair was long (before weaves). Now I have short hair, a fade, and people still want to touch my almost bald head. Why are people fascinated by touching someone else's hair? I've never wanted to touch anyone else's hair..... Thank you Mena!!!!