Why Does the Unfaithful Spouse Blame the Betrayed Spouse for Their Affair?
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- čas přidán 25. 07. 2024
- Today Samuel uncovers the truth behind why the unfaithful spouse resorts to blaming their spouse or partner for their affair.
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Samuel is an infidelity survivor and is one of many contributors to Affair Recovery's Survivors’ Blog, www.affairrecovery.com/our-blog. He participated in Affair Recovery's courses developed by founder and infidelity expert Rick Reynolds, LCSW. After finding healing, hope, and new life, Samuel wishes to share his journey and what AffairRecovery.com has to offer with others so they too can find hope and healing.
Perfectly said. They justify the cheating and try to just move on. Little to no care about how much they’ve hurt you
So true, I’m guilty of it too
True words
Not a word of sorry, no remorse, no guilt ..
Thank you. The blame hurts almost as much or more than the cheating.
Definitely hurts more
Excellent video. My now ex-husband claims he had many affairs during 32 of our 36 year marriage because ‘we got married too young.’ I told him that is an excuse and I now realize he is not dealing with his issues. Now I can only focus on healing myself from this nightmare.
I just cant do this anymore. I cant wait for her to get healthy and see the light. Even if she did, the love has died for her.
I just wish I could get all of this out of my mind and move on. It's been 8 months and it still feels like yesterday. The PTSD symptoms still haunt me everyday, multiple times a day. I deserve better. I deserve to be happy. Not this.
Take it from someone that is 7 years further along than you....I guarantee you will be happier than you can imagine...She lost a good man and you lost....a broken woman...I'd.say you win big.
So now do I have PTSD? The nightmares are so horrible. They just Keep messing me up. When they start It’s like we still love each other then I find out she don’t care and is cheating, each dream gets worse. Wake up can’t go back to bed!
Can’t get that much sleep and this just happened a week and a half ago
Almost without fail, the unfaithful spouse will blame their partner directly or indirectly. The reason for this is that an affair is inherently a selfish act committed by a selfish person. Whether that selfishness is simply in the moment/during the affair or whether the selfishness extends beyond the affair it is simply a selfish and catastrophic act.
My wife ran from the marriage the second she was uncovered. She had binned the affair months before she was discovered but the second she was found out it was apparently the case that our marriage was a total failure through and through and allegedly, even though she had been seemingly very happy, apparently she was massively unhappy for years. If this is the case then it’s even worse because she lied to everyone for years and then had an affair anyway.
My husband says it's my fault he cheated and that I pushed him into her arms I know that's not true i can't make someone cheat they have to be a willing participant
That’s such bs!that’s just him not taking responsibility!!!!!!!
That's exactly what my husband said to me too. That's not true though
Did you and your husband get a divorce
So far this video has spoken to me the most. This is so damn accurate. As a betrayed spouse that has been abandoned, thank you.
if they wont accept what they did and blame shift on to you then they are not just narcissistic they are a narcissist
I've been blamed for bringing it up since i found out.
Her first reaction was "I'm leaving."
I’m sorry to hear that you went through that. My husbands reply was “okay”. It is okay. God has a plan even better than theirs. Keep your head up. I’ll keep you in my prayers. 🌱💙
Thanks for video. My husband cheated twice in 12 years together married and now blaming me and telling other women that I he was never happy in relation. He left home me and my 5 year daughter for other women just meet her 5 months back. Due to blaming I cry and make my self sad
My girlfriend spent months gaslighting me into thinking i was a bad boyfriend but in reality she was just covering up the fact that she was cheating.
I'm hear with you right now man
Same. stay strong both of you. Please.
My boyfriend. And the way he was so nonchalant about his "confession" then proceeded to tell me to see what role I played like......????
Me too but it’s my wife
Exactly. My wife has been texting some dude for 2 years. 200-400 texts per month. And I'm to blame
I was cheated on over 6 times by my ex. She was able to gaslight and manipulate me into believing it was my fault, even till the very end. She also verbally abused me and hit me several times. To this day, I am still experiencing the lingering affects. I still sometimes question myself and blame myself for it. It rocked my self-esteem and nearly destroyed me that I was hospitalized for being suicidal.
I know that I was way too nice and didnt set firm enough boundaries because I was afraid of losing her because I didnt think I was worth being treated better. However, had I done so, I would have gotten rid of her long before it ended. And I tried. I tried many times to leave but she was able to woo me back and perpetuate the cycle of abuse.
Im in therapy now. And Im reading books and learning how to set healthy boundaries, love and value myself more. But those 4 years were equivalent of a slow traumatic experience that will take years to recover from.
I am a betrayed husband stuck in my wife’s blame game. When I ask questions, when I try to discuss why she cheated, every response I get starts with “I thought YOU...” or “I felt like YOU...”. I have asked her so many times to try to give me even once sentence of explanation that does not contain “you.” She can’t do it.
Same here...
I'm in same situation I understand
Same here. Continue to pray friend
In the same situation brother
Lo, that'smy wife. In fact I don't even know my first name. I think it's "You". And i cant get more than 3or 4 words per sentence.
Not only does my partner blame me, takes no responsibility, nor has any compassion for how much he's hurt me, but he says that our relationship wouldn't have survived as long as it did if he didn't cheat, and continues to. That he is so lonely in our relationship that he has not choice but to find others to alleviate that loneliness.
Lady I can relate.
My gf of two years ditched me all because apparently I took to long in our long distance
update?
My husband got caught cheating with an old girlfriend. I confronted him Dec 11th and he told me it had stopped. I just discovered that he is still cheating and never stopped. Nothing is ever his fault. It has all been my fault for 31 years. My husband talked with a Christian counselor. This was his take away...."I talked with the counselor and she said usually in a situation like this where there is an affair the person having the affair is finding something that they aren't getting at home". I am livid. This is victim blaming. I am more angry now than I have ever. been
What about when they blame you for their cheating bc you "complained too much" that YOU werent getting enough communication in the relationship? That u were too much. Thats dif from them blaming u bc THEY didnt get enough.
it's still blame. it's a normal approach from those who are not safe and not getting true expert help. what help are you utilizing? is your partner open to getting help to talk through how to heal?
A sit down with her mother was the real eye opener for me. My mother in law parroted the same 'reasons'. Stepping back and looking at those reasons from a perspective that they might be 'valid' in the sense that I was not perfect it became so apparent how shallow those justifications were.
I wrote off both my wife's and MIL's opinions and simply focused on what I could change in myself in terms of things I validly needed to change. Not focusing on 'fixing' things because it was so obvious that I would never 'fix' enough. Over time it is more sad than maddening to continue living together because if both parties were willing to work on things we could have a very nice marriage. That is so plain to me, that we have all the ingredients, but while I remain open to reconciliation I also realize it doesn't work on a unilateral basis. Internally my life is better now than it has been since the early years of the marriage. I see her painted into a corner by her own actions and narcissism and her mother's reinforcement of them.
Thank you. She cheated then blamed me, telling others I cheated and emotionally abused her with bs lies. I've only felt anger because I did not know why she does it or if all the lies had some truth, it being something my fault that I can not see.
I admit I'm not perfect and I admit I have to avoid her as she moves out to not blow up and argue over something stupid that she wants to lie about, but I also know I trusted and cared how I could.
Honestly, this helps me clear my head more and, again, I thank you for that.
So crazy to hear it from someone else. My ex was unwilling to embrace the consequences of her betrayal. It was as if she wanted us to pretend it never happened, while simultaneously holding me to normal standards of a relationship. So if I pulled away from her emotionally from time to time while we were trying to work on the relationship after she had just cheated, it was because I was a "bad boyfriend" or "terrible to her", never because I had just recently been betrayed. After a while enough was just enough. The same excuses, the same stories. Its just like, ugh.
I see now that it was her own guilt and her own cowardice that made her blame me. And to go through such extents to blame me and to REALLY try to believe her own lies, she must have felt so guilty. Wild.
update
I dealt with this ..my whole family turned against me because he lied about the cheating
Loved your part to the betrayed. Thanks for sharing your understanding.
Thank you for this honest video. God bless you and your family.
Married 38 yrs divorced for 2 not my Choice and she still blames me was not affection. Blames myself until now no more I was a good godly husband not perfect but a good man. I will not accept her choice to be my fault enough pain from this.
Don't blame yourself! My husband has cheated on me several times. I refuse to get involved with another man until the divorce is long over. I could cheat on him now and blame him for it but I choose to stay faithful. Don't blame yourself for someone else's sins
4:49 - "We all have work to do to be better human beings. That doesnt mean your frailties caused them to cheat, it just means that you're not perfect." In hindsight, 3 years out of a narcissitic relationship, I wish this was something I'd known. I cant believe I allowed myself to be led to believe that the things I needed to work on in my life caused my ex to cheat. Even crazier, Im only just now realizing the truth of that, 3 years later. "And now because of that we have a lot more work to do to heal, and pick up the pieces of your own life, and find healing.." Rings true too, having had to unpack everything that comes with being betrayed in a relationship. Its just crazy when the "veil" is pulled back, so-to-speak, and you begin to REALLY see how terrible someone was to you.
You and Rick are killing it this week. Kudos!
awe, so kind of you. thank you for sharing that.
Omg, this video is incredible!! Thank you so much for making it.
This sucks. I need help with the nightmares. They don’t stop. It’s only been a week and a half but They Won’t Stop
Excellent video and exactly what I needed to find tonight. We have been married 31 years, are 2 1/2 years out from initial d-day. Thank you for sharing!
Thank You so much for this!!!!
I know we have issues but it was never enough for me to blame my wife for my actions. I truly love my wife but would never blame her for my actions
I cheated because I was to much of a chicken to talk to my wife about my faults.
If you are his everything like my wife is mine then I hope he realizes it as well. Good luck!
you truly love her but you cheat on her? This - I don't get this is illogical
Why did you cheat Benji? I've been married for 8 years and I found out my husband had sex with another woman and he says to me things that are ridiculous like well you don't show me enough affection or why I didn't think you even care I didn't think you love me but I do so much for him so much for him I don't even understand how he can even say that to me it doesn't make any sense
Well said. Thank you very much.
Thank you so much we are watching this video together 😊
This is perfect.
Great video. My husband always says he doesn’t want to talk about it. He will scream and leave to his moms house to avoid talking about it. Also tell me it’s my fault that he talked to all these woman. So sad. Recently got married and got pregnant for all this? I don’t understand why he married me for? Because only 2 months in my marriage it’s only showing me he won’t stop!!!
Same marriage was his idea I accepted. I don’t understand the mind of an individual who gets married and thinks that’s it no more work to be done.🤷🏽♀️ wrong it’s a lifetime commitment of work, vulnerable discussions, support , and fidelity
I pray your right sadly I went through this story and I’m grateful I did because it made me realize what I was doing as a teen and in the beginning I’m truly sorry……
Hello Samuel, it`s a honour to meet you and hear you speak so openly and wisely. I am new to this community and like to ask you a strange phenomenon; the unfaithfull spouse blame the ap (his ex) that she can not let him go. And even that she did some black magic over him, (which is not uncommon in the Arab culture and I do believe in darkness and witchcraft) I k
now you are a believer, like I am. But I would really like your point of view of this.
She blames me by saying our marriage was bad. I never saw it as bad but as a marriage. Yes married people argue. We didn't argue a lot. But weekly it's something new about how bad our marriage is. Now she's trying to paint me as controlling. I keep sending her your videos. I doubt she watches them.
Thank you for this
Im in the exact same situation as you. Been going through it for 3 years now. With my estranged cheating wife.
Thank you so much
My partner has the gall to say it's my fault for finding out! His philosophy is what she doesn't know won't hurt her. I should not invaded his privacy by looking at his phone or computer and that he tried to shield me from the pain by keeping things under wraps. That I am making a big deal and blowing things out of proportion.
I never gave him any excuses or reasons to cheat. He got praise, validation, compliments, support, love, and anything that a man would want, but apparently it wasn't enough. He just wanted excitement, novelty, variety and thrill of secrecy.
This is so true...
My husband cheating on me, now i found out ...he is blaming me for not trusting him....😅😓😔
I am curious.. what is the unfaithful hurt about? In order to project a d deflect this blame. Their past wounding?
But seriously, if a man neglects, ignores, and starves his wife of attention for years, why is he surprised when she wants to be with a man who gives her those things?
I don’t think surprised is the right word here. Its hurt. Because he doesn’t show his wife these things, for whatever reason, doesn’t make it right to go outside of the marriage. See why this happening. Often time, most men suffer from emotional unavailability because most of us have been taught from an early age to suppress certain emotions that may be seen as feminine. That leads to not being able to show those emotions or share them with our spouses. Happened to me!
As the unfaithful I have to say this is a tough one. I accept that cheating was 110% all my fault and I could have talked things through or flat out ended the relationship if I was truly unhappy. Sometimes it seems like I just armed my betrayed spouse with more ammo to keep acting how she acting.
My soon to be ex wife did the EXACT same thing. Blamed me for her 3 year affair. But the minute I flipped the script & told her that I’m not going to take blame for her choices, she decided to file divorce papers.
Oh no, can't blame the unfaithful spouse. They can't handle that. My soon to be ex husband is the same.
My husband just recently got found out.He was coming home everyday like nothing was wrong. Then when i found out and confronted him i told him to leave. He told me he just needed to work on him.Then told all of our friends it was my fault! He still won't admit it and if i bring it up he won't text me back. I filed for divorce today i don't think it's even worth saving.And he hasn't asked me not to file.So i think that's the sign.
Thank you for this. I have to keep reminding myself that it's not my fault. It was never my fault regardless what they try to tell me, such as I changed or became different after the kids, or I became weak and pathetic. They can try to fill themselves. But I refuse to be gaslighted anymore.
It’s not your fault. It’s what is in them that is wrong. Nothing wrong with you, they don’t know how to love and be faithful and blame someone else because they won’t take responsibility and they are blinded by selfishness. Please do not even let this person harm your self value, they are the problem, not you.
Wow, if my wife had even an ounce of remorse, empathy and connection in how she shattered my heart, it would help me so much in my healing process. But she still gets defensive when I bring up the affair (4 years post D-Day now - her excuses were I was so clingy and needy as I was suffering through multiple job losses during a 2-year span that "pushed" her over the edge) and keeps me at a distance with no physical, spiritual or emotional connection. It's only by the grace of God we are still under the same roof and still married.
She isn't putting any work towards fixing your marriage. I am sorry you're still struggling but none of those excuses sound like a reason to do what she did. Not saying that there is ever any excuse because there isn't, but if she still holds her stance in the situation 4 years post DDay then I think that she needs counseling or you may need to analyze your situation further. Is it worth it to stay when she has clearly given up? You deserve happiness my friend and at this rate, you will not find it.
As Samuel stated in the video, if the Unfaithful Spouse is STILL blaming you or failing to take responsibility, then you likely need to put boundaries in place. I discovered my UH felt entitled to cheat for his frustrations and anxiety for the last 16 years - 2 affairs and load of porn. Discovered Jan 2020 about latest short affair of 4 months (at the time). As of THIS month, May 2021, he is still blaming me.
God has a plan for you don’t worry. 💕
I am the same no remorse not asking for forgiveness. he even have the face to say it never happened. I was 36 week pregnant when it happen he use to leave me alone for hours .
That's not a marriage. That's disfunction. If she isn't open to looking at herself and you are trying for years, and your unhappy, Maybe consider that you deserve better?
My wife if 17 years asked me for a separation 3 months ago and wanted me to leave but because if finances I couldn’t leave and I continued to try and save my marriage because we have kids and I loved her. I found out 1 month later she was making out and cheating on me with someone else. She was caught and afterwords she only could keep saying “I asked you to leave I didn’t want to hurt you “…she apologized after but continued to keep a friendship with this person. I was upset about that and she kept fighting me on it and it wasn’t until the kids got upset with her she backed off a little from this person but still talked to this person because they work together. 2 weeks after that we decided to work on things and 3 days later she pushed me away again for the 6th time and found out 2 weeks after that she was flirting through text with another different person. This she only shared because I knew something was up and told her to be honest and she finally told me. The text were super flirty but she won’t admit to it. She than tried justifying everything by bringing up my past 13 years ago when I flirted with another girl when I was younger but failed to bring up the time she did the same thing around that same time. She literally cannot take responsibility for anything she does and honestly could care less if she hurts me. I finally made the choice to leave her and stop talking to her or being involved in her personal life but it’s hard because I still love her.
:( …. Trying to get funds to leave the house but we are still living together so it’s super hard to see her everyday and especially when she is supposed to be off at a certain time but doesn’t come home for hours after.
Ya it’s tuff try living with someone on the same property , together for 12 years , with a kid , and trying to say no to them when your the betrayed….never admitting accountability or responsibility for there actions, even though you do
I hate this not only I've been betrayed by my first and only love I'm going through menopause! I'm so sick confused and all above! All the things he wanted to happen with was happening but he made up in his mind that it wasn't and started closing me off emotionally!
I hope someone can share with me how to share this information with my unfaithful husband without him making trouble from the gesture because every move of my becomes a disaster or cold war?
an expert third party. is he open to doing any work with a professional? is he open to doing anything like an intensive at all?
Update
My unfaithful partner literally blamed me on everything and then went as far as to try and hurt me by literally leaving and has been gone for almost 6 months now and never once on purpose has spoke a single word because she knows the damages it having on me. This is the third relationship she's had and has not stopped it as far as I know. She doest understand that just cause your not sleeping with these woman doesn't mean its not a big deal because every time I've wanted it stopped and for her to not continue contact she takes there sides and she leaves me . She chooses to have all her holidays with them and she starts fights 2/3 days prior to them knowing that she is leaving me at that time so she doesn't feel bad for it. And picks and pokes until I rage and then blames it all on me. I'm so pissed off and so mad every day I can't sleep, eat nothing is normal and she could care less.
Do u know any infidelity recovery experts in south Africa
Hi John, please reach out to our team at info@hope-now.com
@@AffairrecoveryLLC thank you
Because she doesn’t want to take responsibility… for anything!
When does the blaming end or when does the cheater realize he is blaming and not taking ownership for the affair??
usually when they get expert help and do proper recovery work.....
Yes my husband’s blames me I’m done with him!!
My ex told me i made it easy to cheat since i didn't chase him for the cell phone and look through it.
Exactly
My spouse messed around with her co-worker and says I didn’t pay enough attention to her unlike her affair partner She has character flaws and we’re married and been together for 5 years. I can’t imagine life without her and I’m too kind for my own good. Idk if I should reconcile or if I should make her leave my life. It’s so hard.
My partner cheated on me and justified her actions by blaming me. It completely broke us but we stayed together ... for another 7 years ... until I discovered she'd done it again ... and again she acted like she' was the victim. Ending a relationship is not easy but think long and hard about whether you really believe and trust that she won't do it again.
1 cheating is enough to end a relationship
if they do it once they most likely to do it again woman when we forgive them
spoil them and even sorry when we did nothing wrong she will develop mindset that she important and we can't live without her then she will no longer give us respect and value as head of family
and a man with no respect and value from his family is no longer a husband
and she will end up getting new husband
that the horrible truth that i don't think
the beautiful innocent girl i met
capable of doing but
learned it possible as i grow older
Bought the t-shirt and lving it right now. Blame, blame blame, I've found out. Blame, shouting. Her life is out of control in a spectactcular fashion. Thing is I don't care. 2 weeks I'm out of here to leave her forever. Then, the full realization of her identity and what life was like post-betrayal will hit her like a train. Bye, bye.
Update
My wife just did this...
What if she is bringing things up that happen over 10 years ago. Small thing like letters or emails written to ex girlfriend’s etc.. that’s my case right now.
my wife blamed me for years wtf,
My wife said I was controlling. So instead of leaving and getting a divorce she just got a boyfriend and then told me to file for divorce. I laughed at her.
Alright, it's the cheaters choice to cheat.
But aren't both partners to have Some responsibility in creating the environment to allow for it?
For example; If one gets starved for attention, and the other ignores this, wouldn't that set up a opportunity for a mistress to step in and fill a void?
Is a honest question....
Well, what is stopping the starved for attention partner explicitly asking for that attention?
If it is a guy not giving a woman attention he may need to spend less time gaming or whatever, or you may need to discuss reducing working hours and having less income.
If a woman is not giving a guy attention then she may need to reduce working hours or she may need to see less of friends or she might be overloaded with house work and you might need to help her with that to give her that time.
As adults you address the problems. You found all the tools (counseling, books, videos, etc) and speak about it and work through it.
But NEVER EVER think of going to find the « missing part » somewhere, because the problem is both partners in the relationship are missing something, but only one chooses the WORST ever way to deal with it.
When there is fire you put water on it not fuel.
Same for the relationships, when there are problems you face them and resolve them, but you don’t « resolve » them by creating a THOUSAND more problems, do you???????
What a stupid mindset.
Nothing « allows it ».
People allows it.
If the unfaithful partner had his mindset already « programmed » for cheating or dealing with struggles by the worst way possible, it’s a big sign of immaturity, selfishness.
There is nothing allowing it. Only people with weak mindset, weak relafionship problem solving skills, self-absorbed.
Ever had a girlfriend in long distance who cheated cause according to her words .
You took to long.
Should I just back off of my H? Unfortunately there is a child born from this affair. I have already worked through what I want as it has been 6months since DDay. I want to make this work, but H is having anxiety about coming to me about communication with OW. I think he’s about to leave me as he thinks it’s too hard. I’m willing to back off. I’m willing to ask him about The child so maybe he’ll be comfortable eventually coming to me himself. He’s having a hard time actually moving out, but has said he was going to a couple of times.
Wow You're the most mature person I've ever encountered. I feel you'd be more fulfilled on your own path
From my experience, I left my ex’s alone. When I tried to make the relationships work with both my ex’s it made it worse for me. Finally, I completely gave up, and went my own way. When they realized this, they both wanted me back, but I didn’t want either one. However, your situation may be different from mine. Needless to say, I have a very difficult time forgiving people who intentionally hurt me. Keep in mind, your husband may feel a lot of shame, and that could be why he’s not talking. My ex’s had issues with looking me in my eyes. Anyway, try to take care of yourself first.
I cheated on my partner. Am I a bad person? You decide.
My partner was gaslighting me, baiting me, constantly provoking me, saying nasty things, giving me the silent treatment sometimes for a week, and refusing to have sex with me. I resisted for almost a year. Until…. Yes. I cheated. And yes I made the choice. I chose to do it. Up to you to decide. I don’t mind the criticism. But when you’re treated like that, to me, that’s the first betrayal.
I married my wife with 3 kids, me is a man I work so hard to give them what they never had , and I never did enough, I paid for her surgery to loose weight when she lost a lot of weight she lost her mind with facebook and and instagram fake life doesn'thelp, the weak will always be weak....