Why Are We All So Lonely?
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- čas přidán 8. 09. 2024
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TIMESTAMPS:
The media has been putting out messages on:
- Reliance on technology
- Individualism
- Self sufficiency
Think about which one is more normalised: a group of people sitting at a dinner table with no phones or technology, or people eating dinner alone ordered from an app and streaming video/content
This is too real!
Marriage and family is best done in community, it's healthier that way.
100000%
Beautiful discussion🌺 Nice to see an influencer with creative thoughts instead of just commentating on what every other influencer is talking about👏🏽 I think one step to creating a community is finding commonality, but acknowledging that there are some topics you don’t need to discuss with everyone in your community/circle. Share, but don’t overshare🤫
Thank you! And absolutely spot on. Be open but be guided lol
I just started serving in my church to teach and help the children not only with spirituality but for their mental health, relationship with God, themselves and their parents. My friends and I started this in Jan and it's been transformative. It's been beautiful seeing all of us use our education to pour back into our community with compassion. I can't wait for these children to grow up and continue this community for my kids!
Also new subscriber!
I love this so much!
and yay welcome
I think that the world was already slowly declining into this very big issue of loneliness, isolation and individualism but C0v1d sped that up insanely. People's ability to socialise was impaired so much because we all got pushed to online communication. The solution to this would be that ideally people would get off the phones and make a conscious effort to socialise in real life, on a consistent basis, in order to build community. It takes a combined effort and intention of multiple people to make this happen.
So true! A lot of people developed a kind of social anxiety after covid that they never had before its sad but like you said it takes intentionality to go against the grain otherwise we'll just get deeper into isolation
this is something ive been thinking abt more recently! its so sad because i honestly dont think ive ever been part of a real thriving community. not even my family is close, and i genuinely hate them all because of trauma and shit i wont get into. but my whole life ive felt like ive been desperately looking for community; even tho im an introvert i used to try as hard as i can to keep and maintain friendships, i am a very sociable person imoo, but unfortunately i only really talk to ppl online because now that im out of school idk how to approach ppl anymore. its so difficult!! esp since ive had a lot of bad experiences talking to creepy men, im more anxious and on guard around ppl than id like. like im not going to put my life on the line just to make a friend...
also i just wanted to say how capitalism and neoliberalism have led us to this place. capitalism values individualism, the worker becoming the boss after years of hard work and dedication (thats like the dream yk). sm abt capitalism is framed in an individualist lens, if that makes sense. and thats largely because of neoliberalism which is all abt individual ppl making as much money as they can. im not the best person to speak on this stuff tho, i just wanted to mention that because i think capitalism really is the root of a lot of problems we face today and its important that we recognize that. ik its so common for ppl to blame capitalism for stuff, some ppl just see it as a joke now, but this is so fucking serious to me and i mean this with nothing but sincerity when i say that capitalism is the bane of my existence.
I'm so sorry this has been your experience. I hope you don't feel too defeated and that eventually you find your community 🤎
and you're 100% right about capitalism. As much as I somewhat feed into it I do recognise that it is the root of a LOT of the bad parts of life and society :/
@@AdellaAfadi its not your fault for being literally forced to make money to buy food to survive, thats just the world we live in unfortunately. i dont hold it against individual ppl that they have to be capitalist to an extent, and i dont think theres any use in beating yourself up abt that because its not your fault that you have to live like this. we should focus putting blame on the politicians and ppl in power who choose everyday to uphold these oppressive systems. capitalism is not a force of nature its a choice ppl made that we can change!
and ty im doing my best to hold onto hope! im lucky to have some support and ik i benefit from quite a few privileges. im hopeful that i can find community in the future, i just have to move out of living with my abusive mother first 😅
Just to add this is why I abHOR the 'nextdoor' app it's fostered so much hostility and 'what can this solve for MY issues' rather than actually connecting a neighbourhood. BRING BACK KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! Digital spaces really need a do-over. Thank you for this discussion Adella, I hope I find my community soon 🥺
Never used the app but I've seen screenshots of the crazy interactions!
Hey Adella, thanks for another great video. In an effort to build community I do as suggested in the quote “Why Complicate Life?”
Miss someone…call
Wanna meet up…invite
Wanna be understood…explain
Have questions…ask
Don’t like something…say it
Like something…state it
Want something…ask for it
Love someone…tell them
An irrational fear of being labelled “a beg” used to hold me in bondage…the shackles have since been broken 😄
I reckon most of us desire community but shy away from taking the first step to initiate conversation.
Omg I love this so much and you're right it can sometimes be that simple! Yeah we really need to be released from the shackles of being labelled a beg! It's rooted in pride if we really wanna get into it 🤭
There was a point you briefly made that I would love to hear you expand upon. When you mentioned how social media is both connecting us and disconnecting us. I would love a video on that, because I feel the same way! It's all very surface level and is less about "keeping in touch" and more about "keeping tabs". At least that's been my experience. Great video as always. I was actually JUST saying how I need to cultivate community. I think western society puts so much emphasis on an individualistic culture that it's made people stay in their little bubbles.
less about "keeping in touch" and more about "keeping tabs" is so perfectly put!! We think we see everything our people are up to and it makes us less likely to actually keep in touch. Maybe I'll do a video on it thanks for the suggestion xx
@@AdellaAfadi Looking forward to it! 🧡
To the point you made about giving up the grind for a communal based life, I was reading proverbs 23:4 and it says "Do not toil to acquire wealth; be discerning enough to know when to desist."
Thisssssss
I agree so heavily, they spoke about this about a conference I went to. Too much privacy can create a secrecy and a tight unhealthy bubble that’ll eventually burst. There are trustworthy people out there that can give opinions or advice that you never thought of! We ask for outside opinions when running a business because we understand we can get in our heads too much if we leave it to ourselves so why don’t we do the same for relationships?!
Thissss
It will be so hard to get back to Community because our generation glorifies being hated on so bad, if people looked for solutions to problems than just running away from them (i.e Cutting Off, Ghosting) maybe we could have less lonely people. Most people's defense mechanism is saying they love being alone when infact they'd love to have friends and family around them any day. i believe theres power in community, its where strong foundations are made, we'd have less Mental health issues and stronger family values if we appreciated the power of community. Everyone is SUS nowadays that people even fail to make real connections.
This is so true and so sad!
Thank you for making videos on some of the deepest thoughts and discussions I’ve had in the last few years
Ahh so glad you can relate!!
I love the idea of belonging to a community, and being an active part of one. However after many experiences, of distrust, feeling used and judged at times, it makes it hard to want to stay. Overtime being with a group can become exhausting rather than fulfilling. I think peoples openness to community is also reduced by personal experiences unfortunately :/ and at the end of the day, peace>people.
Sorry that's been your experience :( Maybe one day you'll find a way to do community without it exhausting you but it's good that you're choosing peace too 🤎
yeah i definitely feel this!! im introverted and autistic and i have a lot of trauma so theres LAYERS of reasons why its difficult for me to reach out and connect with ppl. i just wish that it didnt have to be entirely up to me to go out and find community, and maybe thats selfish or lazy, but its so hard to find one that meets all your criteria. i resent that i wasnt able to grow up with any kind of community. i resent this system we live in that forces ppl in to little cogs of the machine that have no time or energy to talk to one another.
ranting/talking abt this is kind of inspiring for me because for so long ive denied that i wanted community at all. suppressing the part of me that wants attention and love and support. but it feels sm better to point the finger at the actual reasons why making friends/community is sm harder, its not just my fault, theres a lot of things working against me yk. and it helps to know im not alone in feeling this way too!
@@unseenmolee You're definitely not alone in this feeling, I'm sorry you've had to experience such trauma. I was lucky enough to have grown up in a close knit community, with the same ethnic background. I'm still a part of it, however its formed into a love/hate relationship overtime. I've also had a stable friendship group for most of my life, and that's slowly changing as well as I grow older. I think what's helped me is forming a community in the the things I love, so that's quality time with my family, reading or exercising ..if that makes sense. I'm privileged in the fact that I have 4 siblings 2 of which are girls (like me), so we seek refuge within each other as we share similar experiences (This has helped me so much) I refuse to believe that the quality of people I've met is what I have to settle with! As much as anyone can say I am being ungrateful, I have hope that there is more out there. Idk if this will help you feel more validated, but no you're not being too difficult, your feelings are 100% valid. I hope one day you find people who feed your soul, and contribute to your well being, please don't settle for anything less.
hey Adella, this is such an excellent observation. so many important points raised. thank you for sharing! And I totally agree - bring back the hall parties! (Tobi Kyerementang has an excellent film exploring the richness and community found in hall parties. It's called ÓWÀMBÈ).
Ooh interesting thanks for sharing!
I agree with this so much and have been wanting my own “community” for a while now. Community is super important and I miss it dearly - but people now are too focused on social media and being clicky that you’re not sure where you fit in & making friends as an adult is really hard.
It is really hard nowadays. I'd suggest looking for friends outside of social media or with people who don't post much lol. Maybe a location-based community like church or a fitness group. Places like that tend to have people more willing to build friendships and you'll see them regularly so friendships can form naturally
I think there's also the element of immigrant trauma with our lack of community. My parents were arranged, and it was not a good match, plus family drama on top of all of that. A lot of the people who would've been my parents' community back home were also the biggest source of their life traumas. And the Indian community here struggles with those same pitfalls - excusing and sometimes glorifying parental/marital toxicity and abuse, sticking to the status quo even when it causes pain, operating in hierarchies based on the same discriminatory standards from back home, etc. My parents hated hanging out with other parents because they'd constantly compare us kids - how tall, fat, light, dark, smart we were etc. But other communities did not let us in, and are extremely insular as well, often out of protection, but mostly due to racism/racial tension. So we ended up isolated. A lot of siblings don't even end up being community to each other in my family, due to constant comparison and pressure to succeed. I doubt I'd be friends with my siblings if I had any. Home life was rough! Adding "he did this, why couldn't you do that" on top? No thanks. And capitalism, esp late stage as we live in now, where all community systems are broken down and defunded, has furthered this isolation to the point where it feels near impossible to build new community if the one you were born into was not healthy. I'm trying to do so through finding people with common interests and building close bonds, but most of those people are in romantic relationships, or when they get in one, disappear from your life. It's a cycle of poop! sigh.
edit: also I will say, my closest friendship is with someone who is Christian and I am not. We have known each other for twelve years. I do find it difficult to navigate community as a nonreligious person in a world where the church is so heavily involved in everything (US, grew up in the south). It's almost the only way you can achieve community here, because everything else is too expensive to maintain. I think people should look beyond their faith for community, because that can shape your life in different ways. I know my best friend has found our friendship just as deep and valuable as her friendships with her church community, because I bring in a perspective she doesn't get from church (and vice versa for me).
Nailed it, you did... I've talking to people about this pursuit of extreme individualism... I go as far as saying this is purposely done in order to isolate people and control them and make money off of them
Great video Adella! The value of community is sooo underrated. Individualism (especially here in Europe) isn't it.
Thank you! And absolutelyyyy!
Amazing video! Lots of food for thought, and it made me soo happy it was sponsored by Sky 🎉
Thank you so much!
This kind of living is what I crave, loved this video
This came at the right time because I feel like I’ve missed that. Like growing up in Brooklyn, where it is culturally diverse, we all have our own homogenous neighborhoods. And so we used to have block parties and community events. But they don’t know nothing about that with white America, so of course they would always call and talk about how it’s a sound violation once they move in to our neighborhoods. So as I got older, those things disappeared.
That's the cheekiest most audacious thing about gentrification because how are you gonna move into my space and then tell me off????
Oh gosh I can’t tell you how grateful I am for this video!! I feel like you’ve articulating so well what I’ve been debating in my mind for the past year. My parents are Kenyan and all
I’ve known is being part of a diasporan community growing up, but as you say our generation aren’t as connected in the same way and so now as an adult with children I’m trying to figure out seriously with my husband the best way of engaging in community, and what our community should look like. Needless to say we need to do more work as millennials/gen z to be more authentically connected.
I like this video, you picked a good topic that is especially interesting for where society is at right now.
Thank you!
Great topic! I've been thinking about this a lot lately, as someone who has friends from different stages of life which all happened in different states/countries, but now I feel far from having a connected community. Instead, I just have a few connections that are miles away. I am going to move soon, so I'm wondering if living in a high cost of living area is worth it to be closer to friends, as you mentioned living in London is more pricey. One benefit of where I live now is that I can walk to the grocery store and gym, although I don't have any friends in this neighborhood. I'll definitely miss that when I'm gone!
I personally would opt for a pricier neighbourhood if it meant my closest people were nearby. Honestly can't put a price on good community. But ofc it depends how high we're talking lol I can't live in a box and be stressed about my money so gotta weigh up the options. But I would never move FAR FAR away for a better house/more money if it meant isolation xx
@@AdellaAfadi thank you for the advice!! 🤗
Don't do it because of those friends. You'd be surprised that they will probably be too busy. Pray about it and the Lord will surround you with the right people if you keep Him first. Where does GOd want you to be, rather than making an unhealthy sacrifice? There's good and bad sacrifices we choose to make.
@@Smarty2able That makes sense and I can 100% see that happening. I'm definitely praying a lot over this decision! Thanks for the advice!
Strangers. The world athletics championships are on so I'll watch the last 5 minutes later but as a person from a Caribbean background I've realized, unless things change, my children will not be growing up with same community elements that I did. With re-migration and people moving back to the Caribbean, US and, every increasingly, the middle east it's not happening. Also I have to say, if you're talking about the UK, I feel the community element is still there in places like Yorkshire, Leeds specially in my experience, and the Midlands. Whether you are Black or another ethnicity, what I realise that alot of Northerners still own and control their community halls and spaces so that reduces how much strangers can meet people also it would be less harder for old people to make friends especially how much people over 30 complain about how they can't make friends. Was talking to Margaret Busby a few years ago, the woman is about 45-50 years old than me and she remembers when Black people used to own spaces even though they were few. This is how culture was passed down or how you experienced different cultures. Londoners, I am one myself, are so isolated it's crazy. Gentrification isn't helping. The new people don't want to talk to old long standing and at times, sorry not sorry, they don't like the "ethnic minorities".
As much as this is about society as a whole, let me not start in the cultural regression of Black British people of all backgrounds, the things the community were able to do, the numbers are falling because people are not COMMUNIcating how they used to lol. Thank God for the people in my world because people are surprised that 20/30 years old can do the cultural things we can because so many cannot lol.
People love mobile phones and social media more than people and think it's cute. We love electronics. We neglect what is good for us and embrace what we overtly say is toxic everyday.
There is a lot to say for this but in a lot of ways but we're finished lol. This is society of ours is a problem. It's always funny how better you feel talking to your people in comparison via whats app or social media. ONE THING I WILL SAY WHATS APP IS THE KING OF KEEPING CARIBBEAN FAMILIES TOGETHER LOL. We always know who took what they weren't supposed to take from the Barrel because of what's app LOL
I know you're talking about immediate circles and not the black community but all of these things impact it and I can only explain it from my lens. That's the end of disjointed rant.
Haha love your disjointed rant and you're right I was thinking about London but it's true people outside of London do community way better. We often think London is the best place ever but it's really not when it comes to a lot of things that matter!
These are such important subjects Adella, thanks for your video.
Glad you think so!
This has challenged me! Even more so because I follow you on Instagram and see a bit of how you do life as part of a community! I'm getting married soon and really looking into how to build this for my future family! Thank you for getting me thinking again ad practising what you preach! The hall parties are definitely missed!
I find the hardest thing for me in building this is the vulnerability required. I won't lie when you shared the level at which you and Keith share with your community, I was taken aback, particularly because it seemed like you both did so intentionally! I'm sending this video to my partner haha How do you decide what your limits are?
Hmm yeah the vulnerability part is scary - with regards to sharing, the simple fact that I share makes me fix up too so that there are fewer 'bad' or embarrassing things to share lol. The accountability sort of prevents me doing a lot of things I know I'd do in isolation. In terms of limits, it's just making sure the other person is comfortable with the things you share about them/their role. Most of the time it's just a case of 'I'm not ready to share this now' but eventually we do. And you'd be surprised how much others also want to share their burdens so you could take the plunge and be the first one xx
I remember the hall parties, the aunties & uncles always at our house, or us going to theirs- your video made me very nostalgic and gave me lots of food for thought ❤ aka I should make more of an effort 😂
Me too I should be making more effort for sure!
i loved this video like many of your others !!
Thanks so much!
You made me wanna buy the sky live😍
Thank you 🫶🏾
On that note, you should totally bring back the “Scenario” blogs with your friends. It was such great content!
I have some ideas brewing 👀
I love this video ! Unique and insightful ❤
Thank you !!
Yess I miss a good old hall party 😢
Me too! So simple but such good vibes
Great video/Point/conclusion 💯
Thank you!
Oooh if you knew how much narcissistic individuals like community you would be shocked! A narcissist can isolate their victims but better believe narcissists love being around people and will always put on a performance. Narcissists need people to exploit, mistreat (abuse) and take advantage of and cannot do that in isolation. So would not link isolating to being narcissistic but could be a result of people being exhausted with never ending expectations, betrayals, being backstabbed by people they considered their “tribe” and the list just goes on and on and on. This topic to be honest can be so complex but do not disagree with the importance of community and good community exists. However it is important to be very selective of who you bring in. Our parents to be honest brought everyone into their circles and would gossip and shade each other, well that was what I observed growing up😂😂😂 and started experiencing it with people I brought into my life as an adult. Tribe is great but man better do proper assessments of people before you let in people who will scar you in the worst possible way.
When it comes to marriage I learned from experience that matters between my man and I go to God, my husband and myself. 😂😅 you really have a good tribe to be sharing everything with them coz wow people move mad even in the times of our parents… folks gossip 🙅🏾♀️. Won’t let people use my hard times as teatime conversations, no way. 😅
Yeah you definitely have to be careful who you allow all the way in. Use discernment and trial and error. Be ok with moving on from bad friendships and knowing when to work through issues!
I have the same problem. My ex bf and former friend were both narcissists. I lost people and my reputation at church because I chose to not be abused by them mentally, emotionally, and verbally. So, they decided to drag me. It's sad but we do need to trust God when he gives us discernment about people. I had it and chose to ignore it and the signs before it was too late. Just let God lead!
@@Smarty2able sorry to hear and that is so heartbreaking. When narcissists smear you it is so upsetting, but what hurts is when the narcissists actually get people to believe their lies, then you walk around feeling the need to over explain yourself to people that believe the narcissist. So indeed it is important to move with discernment and allow God to lead you. As you heal you will become so unfazed by all the noise and start to make decisions based on wisdom and not pressure. I would rather walk alone for a while then rush to create a community in the name of being part of something. Take your time to find people and pay close attention to how people move, we miss the red flags when we rush any form of relationships or when we go with the flow. Post traumatic stress disorder is not a joke.
This is such a good topic for us millennials right now
Honestly!!!
0:20 same thing with Jamaicans 😂
True 😂
Interesting conversation queen
thank you!
I wouldn’t say I have a tremendous sense of community to be honest, not like the way my grandparents and parents experienced.
What I do have and what I recommend is multiple circles to fulfil different needs/wants.
Family. People in hobby groups, long-time friends, work friends etc
I’m also a rare case of being able to perfectly enjoy my own company, I often go cinema by myself, treat myself to solo-dates etc and can stay in and watch films/play video games on my own when I feel like it.
Yes this is such a good point!! I also have different circles and you're right they all fulfill different aspects of my life. Less pressure on everyone involved I think.
Love that you enjoy your own company. I do too but usually in my house lol I don't do solo dates but maybe I'll give it a try xx
I also prefer to have people from the same faith as community (muslims) and again people who share the same life values.
I get it 👌🏾
The way the ad instantly turned me off ! Whew ! Bye
Very odd comment