The #1 Ingredient For Managing Anger Well
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- čas přidán 7. 09. 2024
- When most people become angry, the first thing they tend to do is focus on the people and circumstances, wondering how to make it all change. Dr. Les Carter turns the tables by suggesting the opposite. He issues a challenge for you to look inwardly rather than outward as your try to keep your anger in check.
Dr. Les Carter is a semi-retired psychotherapist who spent 40 years in private practice in the Dallas, Tx. metroplex. He now resides in Waco, Tx. He has conducted over 65,000 counseling sessions, written extensively, and has conducted many workshops and seminars.
If you are interested in online counseling, Dr. Carter has a sponsor who can assist. As the need is there, please seek the help you deserve: betterhelp.com...
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Dr. Carter's personal website: drlescarter.com/
Dr. Carter's other CZcams channel:
/ @survivingnarcissism
Bookstore: survivingnarci...
Dr. Les Carter is still the nicest man on the internet! Thanks, good doctor, for helping humanity. Bless you.
@t200 I don't disagree. Have you seen Featureman on CZcams? With Dr. Les Carter and Featureman, the odds for an enjoyable day are likely to increase. For what it's worth, in this "odd and imperfect world."
t1200 - so agree! He was instrumental in my first Ah haaa!! moments. He's kind, brilliant & so warm. I think people who have suffered from Narcs dark behaviors gravitate towards him like cats & dogs gravitate to a sunny, warm spot. He's that soothing for frayed nerves. He's our ray of 🌞🌞🌞
I brighten listening to Dr. Carter on my drive to my openly racist/ hate speech workplace. I work as an engineer in a all male environment and am the company scapegoat. Dr. Carter reminds me that there are non violent , healthy men in the world.
I like his tender, soothing voice and his composed, gracious demeanor.
He's an example that one can make strong arguments without getting zealous, domineering, sarcastic, or outright rude.
Hope more politicians argue like that.
"I can do better" is so helpful - it helps minimize the shame and guilt.
I can’t thank you enough for these training videos. Not only for my own emotional well-being, but as 𝘼𝘽𝙎𝙊𝙇𝙐𝙏𝙀 𝙂𝙊𝙇𝘿 in the 𝙩𝙧𝙖𝙞𝙣𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙤𝙛 𝙢𝙮 𝙘𝙝𝙞𝙡𝙙𝙧𝙚𝙣 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙩𝙚𝙚𝙣𝙖𝙜𝙚𝙧𝙨 (and even for use as a voice of balance and reason as I share them with my husband)! Your help has transformed our family interactions and brought real hope for their relational futures. 🙌🏻 💜 Many blessings to you.
That's great news. Teaching life skills as early as possible is so essential. Dr. C
My wonderful sister always says people who can't mind their own business have the most anger!
@@Oceans780 ha for real…
This is something that might be said by ordinary people dealing with their crazy mothers in law. But it’s not fair to say of someone who is dealing with the rage of being abused as a child.
yes-my 'Toxic Trio' in our family are ALL warped, frustrated angry rage and rumour-starters ,
Revenge is a quiet way covert narcs express their anger...at least when they can't openly "vent."
Another reason to get out of the relationship. Make a plan. There is no hope in it with them. I wasted a total of 53 years with a covert narc. What a waste of valuable time.
This needs to be taught in schools nationwide and worldwide for a better life individually and for the world.
I will accept your challenge to better my anger management and stop lunging at issues.
Excellent! Dr. C
Listening to Dr. C helps me with adding practical tools towards improving my self development Thank you Dr. C
Me too.
So true. Also, I had to give up the hope that unhealthy minded people would see my decency and civility and accept that they would think badly of me and treat me contemptuously anyway. Any kind deed I do for them is still looked down on. I'm not trying to please them any more, just being content that in a situation, I was being my calm, fair self, and not showing the hurt they cause.
Well said. Unfortunately, I just get fired by the rats behind the wall anyway.
@@gertrudewest4535 you can have a happier life without them
I've learned, as I learn more that it's best to "clean our own house" & not worry what Narc. & toxic people think of us. The reality is that they spend VERY little time thinking about us ( they're Narcs, remember ☺) - if at all. So take the hurt, disappointment & anger towards them, which only traumatizes us & instead, for once focus on ourselves & get back to the sunny, happy people we are. Easier said than done, but if we keep working at it, it will become habit. Healing to all of us here & much gratitude to Dr. Carter.
Each time I am angry I cry.. My body trembles in frustration and I loose the ability to speak... It takes me several minutes to calm myself and process my anger in a constructive way so that I can express it but when the other person react violently for example through verbal abuse and intimidation I immediately lose confidence in myself and my body start trembling again as a sign of frustration but the problem is that this time I become depressed thanks to my hyper sensitive nature and I react in behaving like a covert narcissist I become cold and passive aggressive until my anger pass and it can take months... I really need a course in anger management.
Thanks for your honesty.
Narcissists engage in something called . That may be the reaction you are having. The only true “cure” is to get away from these people. It’s easy to call ourselves ‘hypersensitive’, rather than see that it’s actually traumatization by an abuser with an empathy deficit. It’s not you, it’s them.
@@echase416 & @ Rose sion - this is terribly unhealthy for your mind & body. I lived through something similar, my body reacted by blood pressure going crazy when I heard the garage door open. In the past 2 to 3 yrs, after discovering Dr. Carter - my eyes were opened. I did have a period of FINALLY dishing out what he had given me. That served to only put me on his horrid level... & it wasn't "me."
Until I can move, I now just ignore his ridiculousness or go to my room & shut the door. My sanity is restored & my BP remains steady. Rose, keep learning from Dr. Carter & wish you serenity.
I honestly do need help in this area of anger ....dealing with a n for 27 years married.......you are truly helping me understand how I should process this and I thank you😌
I hope you can start making your exit plan quietly to yourself. Their long-term health consequences from staying in a narcissistic relationship.
Yes....there sure are.
🙋♀️🙄😐Same here...
This helped me so much. I once had to take an anger management course because of reacting out once to a narssistic person - who was picking on me (and after years of abuse from this person). I learned some coping skills from the class, but your discussion here goes much deeper. The emotional and internal part of it has been addressed ; how you should look internally to your goals(who do i want to be) and trying to manage anger like an adult. Thank you. Well done. I think I will watch this a lot right now because I'm forced to deal with my angry brother regarding my mom on hospice etc. Well I don't now, after he became angry and attack me verbally, for just trying to help my mom with issues legally. I must say I have had a lot to be angry about, and it's good to know how to handle it like an adult, since I have been very much an adult for the past 5 years,. Before that I can say i wasn't one (emotionally)
I love how Dr. Carter focuses on people knowing who we are - I notice he does that a lot. I feel like I've lost myself in a post-divorce battle that is protracted with such terrible harm on my daughter. I'm SO angry. I need to make a list about thinking about who I am and who I don't want to become. It's so had THINKING about how I can help my daughter. Who am I? Such wisdom.
Rather than pessimistic, I'd say it's REALISTIC. ☺
I have been listening to Dr. Carter for two years now and it’s paying off. I am an engineer in an all male workplace. Recently I was sent to a job on site but the tools I was given were not appropriate to the task. I went back to the tool shed to get another tool and all hell broke loose. I was told I was physically and mentally incompetent because I am a woman. I was told the company made a mistake hiring me. I was told I would never be able to complete the task. The sneering and hostility was intense. I have never witnessed others become so emotionally disregulated over a wrench, but narcs freak over small things and then project onto their targets. No one would believe me the tool, a simple wrench would not fit into the tiny work space I had. Long story short, I was angry but maintained my focus ( only one “eff you”....I’m still working on it). I was able to stay composed and went right back to work on a really hard job and successfully finished. I am proud of myself but even though I have only been there for two weeks, I need to look for another job. The level of hostility towards me over nothing this early in employment has me feeling uncomfortable.
That's so astonishing, in a not-good way. Stay strong, and I'm glad you're gaining insights. Dr. C
Ooommmmmm and ear plugs! Have a nice weekend everybody from French Canada 🇨🇦!
😂🤣
Good call!
Yaaaaaay!!! The HAPPY Intro music is back! It always makes me perk up & focus on something good to come! It should be your trademark or some such thing. 👏👏👏👍🌟🌟🌟 OK, now back to the video 😄
I really like this intro, thanks to my buddy, Jeff, who put it together. Dr. C
@@DrLesCarter - 😄😊👍 ❤ it! Thank you & Jeff
Thank you for the wonderful work you do. I hope this new channel can give people who know nothing about narcissists and the wake of misery they leave behind. Unawareness is what keeps this going.
Thanks, Dr C! I'd love to hear more about dealing with anger in healthy ways without stuffing it.
Thanks a lot Dr Carter. This is true humanism and altruism. Nice paintings on your walls, by the way.
Thanks, we have quite a bit of art throughout our home. My wife is the ultimate artiste! Dr. C
When I’m stressed or angry ... I try to think what I can do to prioritise the problems , sometimes you can sometimes you can’t. Depends what the problem is and wether you can get to the bottom of the problem and hence keep things calm. I do think mostly early morning before getting up , ok so what kind of day depends on how I’m going to handle things today ... sometimes it works ... I try 🙂
I'm dealing with an NPD and absolutely feel like I've been sucked into that person - losing myself. I love how Dr. Carter says, "Could you see yourself . . . ?" I'm going to make a list of who I was, who I am, and who I want to be and put that on my phone as my homescreen.
The problem is in imagination gone astray. I see nuance in everything said to me.
I feel that. It’s especially true with people you don’t know well, or complete strangers, but it’s so easy for us to project our emotions, assumptions or fears onto other people who we know little to nothing about. That said, It’s important to remain as open minded about people’s words as possible, and to always give them the benefit of the doubt until a more obvious pattern emerges.
Most are cognitive distortions
I can do better, I’m gonna get there! Love that! I will take that challenge! Thanks Dr C!!
He is a fabulous help.
This had so much good information, I had to listen to it a few times to get it to sink in. Even the beginning statement in the first minutes, had me thinking. The first time you observe them in crisis situation or when something doesn't go right, how do they handle it? That's a big indicator. Calm, steady or are they a hurricane in a coffee mug? That how I'm going to view and observe.
Thank you Dr. Carter. It'd be amazing to see your concepts turned into bite-sized public service announcements. A Middle school kids aged program of these notions would be incredible gift since because of how it is that critical time where hormones enter the scene, life becomes so confusing from that and from thoughts of 'who am I when I'm not playing w/ toys for hours?' Thanks again!
As a retired middle school teacher I totally agree!
Indeed. I was fortunate to have some good teachers growing up, and learned some valuable life lessons from them.
I've been hammering my state Reps about NPD classes for 8th graders
and up, for three years, now. They all have deaf-ears though!
(Oh well, it's Oregon... too busy riot planning!)
Thank you so much! In my case, chronic pain runs my anger. That's my cue to stop and lie down. Remove myself from everyone and everything until my eyes go back in my head, nd I can see again. I love your wise words.
I've never had anger as I just let people walk all over me- but now that I am regaining self esteem I find I am feeling some anger. Yesterday my mechanic shop did some car repairs for me but the bill was more than $500 more than the quote... I understand and would have been okay but they didn't bother to call me and I had specifically asked them to call if it would be more than 100 over. I've never dealt with anger as never felt it but now I'm having trouble knowing how to express it. So rather than feeling like it was acceptable for others to do this I feel like it's wrong. Even my son's friend calling to say he wanted to come over to get some paint from me- I am not a paint store! and it stressed me out. I don't lie well :(
When you say 'manage things in a clean way', that is what I want. Maybe be more pro-active (which to me means having no contact with the outside world!)
Came here to subscribe and was already subscribed lol.
Double thanks! Dr. C
Same.😂😂😂 Also, I know several VERY angry people who don't know how to handle things that is IMPOSSIBLE to control. Why get angry? It gets you nowhere. JMHO. And yes.. it's true.. I was already a sub too! 🤗🤗🤗👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻
Me too! 😌
Lov e it👍 lol
Thank you Dr. Carter. I try to reflect what you say in this video. I think I succeed most of the time and I hope I exhibit the 5 characteristics or at least most of the characteristics you describe in your video about the 5 ingredients necessary for a successful relationship. I want to be on team healthy but I also realize that others aren't, and in some cases never can be. This is why I frequently view your "Surviving Narcissism "channel. So I need to make up for a narcs. actions and words no matter how difficult. Even though sometimes I just lose control. I try to keep that as rare as possible.
I can tell you're figuring it out. Sometimes you get caught in the pattern of 3 steps forward, 2 steps back. Keep learning! You're why I do the videos. Dr. C
Very good topic and very helpful too, Dr. Carter! Thanks! ❤
Dr. Les Carter is my favorite. The bestest of the best.
Dr.C,
I manage my anger by not having contact with jerks, also limited contact with my narcissist parents, who label me as crazy or ,I just get angry over "nothing ",yep that's me according to them I get angry over nothing.
Keep in mind that a favorite defense mechanism of narcissists is projection...seeing in you what they cannot admit about themselves. Dr. C
This is so true and helpful, Dr. C. And I liked your book The Anger Trap very much.
Yes, anger comes from a sense of entitlement. That insight leads to one working on that sense of entitlement, to break it towards realism.
And yes, rehearsing is really helpful, especially if one can replay the last angry conversation and identify where one lost it and practice looking out for that fault-line in the future.
Thanks for these good comments. Sounds like you are committed to growth, and that is to be applauded! Dr. C
@@DrLesCarter Dear Dr. C. I am impressed and touched by your evident commitment, concern and perspicacity.
Thank you so very much for being a real person "out there" in CZcams for the likes of me who struggle searching for lights in tunnels that truly and solidly lead to a healthier place.
Thank you...trust issues are bad
When trust becomes the dominant issue with no solid reason not to have trust your probably dealing with a narcissist. Watch Dr. Carter's "Surviving Narcissism" channel to learn more.
@@stuarthirsch Thank you, How do I know I won't be hacked tapping onto a link, eg: trust issues?
Awesome thoughts Dr Carter! Thank you.
Thank you so much, Dr Carter. The perfect thing to listen to before going to work 😊
Ok, Dr C. I'll take your challenge. Thank you very much for it and for your habitual kindness and honesty.
I would like to listen to Dr. Carter podcast 👋
I'm taking the challenge! "I can do better. I am going to get there!"
Sorry I missed this! Will watch now!
Challenge accepted 💜
This is one of your top 10 videos, very important stuff to start with. thanks.
Thanks, Steve! Dr. C
What helps is the fact you can do nothing about others lack of caring valuing acting decently
towards other people one being you, thank you, DR Les Carter, for helping me look at myself
and being released from anger from hurt as it is with the person the perpetrator issues lie.
Thank you for what you do. I hope you're doing well.
Thank you, Elizabeth. Dr. C
BLESSINGS
Mind over emotion. This is brilliant. I have a couple of friends who are at odds with everyone and everything. They bring their hurt feelings to me in order to vent and talk the anger through. I will be telling them this saying, and I will be using it myself. 👍🏻
I love to LEARN from Dr C:: !
Excited about what’s coming on this channel! Thanks for this today Dr. C! Let’s all be better every day.
Great video, Dr. Carter. Thank you!
Thank you Dr Carter🙏🏿 I be subscribed too... here to support you on your new channel...
Thanks, Sarah! Dr. C
Hi! Just wondering where your intro music is from. To me, it is hopeful and uplifting . You remind me of a favorite therapist I went to before he retired. I really liked him, haven't found anyone that I stay with since. So glad you are here Dr. Carter ☺️
An AV guy named Jeff put it together for me. I like it too.
Good vodeo.
another piece of pure gold advice - its almost as though these vids are tailor made.
I gain some inspiration from the Stoics on this who have a very similar message to this.
Crystal Mill on the wall. Nice.
I had been there with buddies in the 1970's, so when I saw it at a gallery, I jumped on it! Dr. C
So needed this reminder, perfect timing. My focus my responsibility I so needed this at this time. Thanks. Yep I am a thinker... not a stinker.
You're doing great sir, thank you for the content.
Thanks, Charles. Dr. C
I always love Dr Carter's advice. It is practical and to the point. Thanks!!
"I'm Good Enough, I'm Smart Enough, and Doggone It, People Like Me!" -
Stuart Smalley
(3:32) “… Our internal focus…and insight..” Now, there is a thought. But only if you are calm enough (maybe having had a forewarning?) to keep an even keel in rough waters. Develop your own sea legs, so to speak, with a quiet vigil to expect some turbulence in the calmest of sea.
THANK YOU FOR THIS MATURE, SENSIBLE AND VERY HELPFUL VIDEOS .....this surely promotes more growth and positivity we defintiely need now. Congratulations and more power here.
Love this! Such common sense. Thank you Les!
There are a lot more serious things thst can cause anger than the ones you mentioned.
I have a FOCUS problem per my neuropsychological eval from my TBI. Its so not fair.
Thank u much appreciated
Thanks for this. Good insights.
I went from the frying pan into the fire. Got a job to "get out" of the unhealthy relationship with the narc & recently found that my boss is a full blown NARC. Now how did I do that? That derails my leaving plan. It is TOO MUCH living with a narc and WORKING for a narc. Found out at work, there is MAJOR turnover because of the rampant NARCISSISM.
I have a TBI and emotions are hard period
I’m writing a script about myself and the malignant narcissistic father’s behavior!!
Wow I very often now try to ask myself do I want to yell and I keep reminding myself to make sure I don’t yell through that question as a matter fact I usually keep my volume low which helps everything ❤god bless you sir and btw keepin my volume in check helps me avoid bad words and everything negative automatically since it’s all in that tone thx 🙏
These flipping times right now are completely unprecedented and sometimes you got to have a controlled burn before you have an uncontrolled explosion. and if you are unfortunate enough to have people in your life that tick you off on a daily basis just to see what makes you tick there's nothing whatsoever wrong with telling them not cool bro, and then you get the heck out of there and you start doing things for yourself because there's nothing that turns that controlled burn into an uncontrolled explosion like needlessly piling on the kindling. There's also nothing wrong with telling them hey you're ticking me off stop. For me it's radio and retro games like the real thing like Pac-Man space Invaders dig dug Galaga rally x and Pole position usually together with aclassic rock station that helps a lot.
Dr. Carter do you think if a narcissist refuses to have adult minded goals, that it plays into the mismanagement of anger? It took me awhile to figure it out, but I have come to the realization that not only is my husband not a thinker, I do not think he spends time on the process. He focuses on the reaction. I have often felt he wants everyone to be controlled. He often talks about how if everyone were not creating triggers to cause his anger or frustration everything would be fine. He doesn’t seem to get how much is related to the process.
Yes. Just like a toddler, when they don't get their way, they can pout, squeal, throw a tantrum. And the sad thing is that I'm not exaggerating when I say this. Dr. C
@@DrLesCarter not exaggerating at all! I can't understand how the narcissist can think it is normal behavior as an adult. Or do they know it's not and are ashamed? Who knows...
Great video👍 Internal Focus👍 Suppose I get the zoom wrong or the sfumato in the wrong spot 🎨 no amount of cajoling not all your piety nor wit nor all your sob sob scream wash out a word of it 🤣 and even if you try to be a trend setter there s always a frill to be adjusted a ribbon in the hair to be knotted differently 🩰🥾 a spoonful of yummies and the medecine disappears or goes down the drain theory 🤣 and I love that typewriter jingle jangle 🎹at the end kind of fun and detective like Derrick 🎯🤣 Thanks mille fois Doctor Do - much Much and encore and always Too Much 🙏▪️🙏🙏
very good vid..thx .doc..
Dr. C and community… Although I am a real human being, I am going to share with you what cartoon character helped me with anger. Stewie off of the show family guy. Lol I can relate to this character because I was the youngest in my family of origin. I can relate not because he is a he but because the character was innovative and relational to scholarly Brian the dog. They had a special bond and well I did have a service dog that looked like him! Lol I think you are a great example of how people can work through issues of life if they want to! Lol, ps. I love to laugh and I am so very thankful for fox 🦊 creators/family Guy show and you on CZcams! 🤔❤️🌎🇺🇸✊😜😳🙏🦊
Stewie! I can honestly say that has never come up in any of the comments before! Dr. C
@@DrLesCarter ok… but I have learned to let go of a lot of things! If nothing else it helps my sense of humor about life! Lol
I'm very good at suppressing my anger I walk away where I'm not in ear shot or seen them let out expletives or punch the shed. Ive a child I don't want seeing me lose my control aswell. I'd like to be able to control those feelings and not feel almost sick or vomitting from the stress. It's the welling up of anger inside from the rudeness, games, schemes the constant drama attention seeking. I guess I just have to accept they're not gonna change. I have to change. The punching bags have helped lol
Or Temper Tantrums!!
Texas?? Watched his narcissism channel a million hours thinking it always came from Florida⁉️
Well, I've been to Florida several times. Does that count? Dr. C
I knew it was Texas even before I knew it was Texas. It’s his Texas accent, I have it too, grew up in Texas, lived there for 22 years (till I made one of my horrible life mistakes by marrying a douche bag) All the time I get “where are you from, where’s your accent from” evidently the Texas drawl never leaves you... and, I live in Biloxi Mississippi but evidently it sounds a little different! 😀
I get angry when I feel like I'm not loved enough. It's childish - surely. I feel like a victim and start crying. During periods. I know it's not mature. I just don't care in those moments.
About December 26, 1980
Day of the Week: Friday
How Long Ago? 40 years, 4 months and 13 days
Leap Year: Yes
Holidays: Boxing Day (Australia, Canada, Ireland, New Zealand, United Kingdom)
Generation Generation X
Chinese Zodiac: Monkey
Star Sign: Capricorn
I'm watching this because I get angry and call out my sister the narcissist when she lies. I need to stop feeding her beast.
Please pray for me. I'm dealing with a daughter's wedding. She has invited a Pastor who was controlling and abusive, made a pass at me many times. To be her officiant. This cult leader when I confronted him with the truth said to me I will have to give you over to Satan. My daughter left at 17 to be at this mans church. It cost me 3 years of her life. I've decided to not go to her wedding. Life is so difficult. I'm going to do peace. I can do better. Civility, respect. It's so hard to understand my daughter and her fiance don't have any respect for me.
but its more fun to let the expletives fly... and its therapeutic :)
Dang it I missed it today
What If the anger is against god or against the world? 😠😡🤯😤 ...😒😟🥺😭🤐
I can do better. I'm going to get there.
Where are the counseling links??
Try this link, and good luck! Dr. C. betterhelp.com/drcarter
@@DrLesCarter thank you so much for helping and caring. Your talks are extremely helpful. This has been so hard this year. Again, thank you. I will check it out.
But narcissists can’t manage anger
I think many narcisistic people can manage anger but using it to grow their weapons.
You're correct in that they don't manage anger well, which is why I focus on you and me looking for the healthier alternatives. I don't want an unhealthy person setting my pace. Dr. C
@@DrLesCarter Golden!
@@DrLesCarter I have found that even the healthiest attitudes are no match for instantaneous explosive,, out of control anger exhibited toward me. The results disrespectful, verbally, emotionally, and sometimes physically abusive behavior. I know I'm dealing with a toxic person but feel trapped by a sense of commitment, concern for her and her future, and promises.
Stop spending time with those people
B
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T ... Expectations drive our entire life and trigger our responses in this life ... Most hate God because they think God is a servant to humans ... Or a genie ... Glad I'm not Big Daddy Elohim ... Glad to be a created being, seeking authentic authority and love and discipline ... [✓] ... Relationship verses religious activities ... Smile
Normally I'm calm .ha ha
Dr Less, I’ve watched your videos for a while. I want to seek counseling. I went to your sponsors site… they are asking ridiculous questions like do I need a therapist of color…
Can I just talk to you directly please?
✨❤️🩹✨Thanks Dr.C
I just realized how many WOMEN are following vs males