Emotional Abuse From Women (This Is Tough)
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- čas přidán 27. 11. 2021
- In this video, I talk about emotional abuse from women. My personal experience with this, how to stop it and overcome it. Let's have a tough chat today men.
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Intermittent reinforcement is addictive as hell.
I went as far in my need of being accepted that I proposed to have a baby with her, because what greater proof of me being accepted, seen, and loved could be than that ? She accepted because she did not have a baby yet and felt she had a last chance for it.
Also she was dominating in bed which might have been ok if not in the form of constant negative feedback which eroded so much my confidence that I was dreading sex eventually and on the other hand craved it badly.
My therapist just started me on Shadow work journaling after a 3yr relationship with a toxic/ abusive ex girlfriend, now mother of my child. The journal is helping so far and I am excited to see how it will help me excel to be the best version of myself.
Feminism has had a negative impact on the dynamics between men and women's relationships to the detriment of how society functions on the whole. From a women's perspective, i've the upmost respect for a man who demonstrates his VIP. Where this is lacking, women either feel insecure or become monsters within a relationship. Men need to be men and women need to be women for us to maintain a healthy coexistance.
Narcissists... gaslight, blameshift, selfish, entitled, no accountability, never apologises, zero empathy etc etc.. and when you finally react, she acts like the victim and paints you as the abuser. Our own fault lies in being too weak to get away from them.
I'm screenshotting that. Perfect description
100 %
I went through this last year. I still have problems dealing with the shame of being so weak that I didn't walk away.
And how do you know my wife?
100% Yes!!! My soon to be ex-wife is like this. I’m currently dealing with thoughts and feelings of being the problem/cause for the divorce (she asked for the divorce). It is HARD! I have to constantly remind myself that I tried my best to be enough and do my part to help the relationship. In the end I know I’m better off (just don’t feel that way yet). Don’t get me wrong I had faults that needed to be worked on too but…..
I have experienced women like this. The irony is, they tend to be the women with little to offer but have high demands of their (potential) partner.
But they fall into your lap to start the relationship. If they make it so easy to get the relationship going, beware!
Exactly
I went through something similar last year. Can confirm.
+ they are at the beginning of the relationships the nicest women on earth and makes you laugh or smile often but tend to treat you very badly the more the relationship lasts. This makes a man really sad because the man will try everything in his might to make the women behave with such joy like in the beginning
It’s called borderline personality disorder
What makes me upset is when they make you feel like you’re weak because you refuse to deal with the verbal abuse and mind games. 😠
Women are extremely powerful in mind games.
I could never win.
Now my solution is: the moment they start playing mind games, I leave! That simple.
God I know... I remember a female narc egging me on in text, sending me verbal jabs and saying "you cant win" when I had no reply.
All I could think was "how can I one up her" instead of recognizing the sickness that was her mind.
10 years in…finally found the courage to walk. Brutal man, nothing worse.
@@orneryoverwatch7031You can win. That’s their military mind games they are playing with you. You have to play at their level. They play ugly then you play ugly. Give them the same bullshit they give you. Trust me you will feel better.
There was a girl in my class that called me a foetus because of my height. I cried at least once a week.
Even worst the vast majority of female narcs. It’s sick of it. We have a generation of young men who are going through trauma and nobody gives a damn.
I was mentally abused by girls in my class because of my height. Of course, it was all my fault, and when finally i had enough and hit her, she reported me...
I see a guy from work in the grocery store. He says hi. His wife says “is this one of your friends, just kidding you have no friends.” My heart sank for him.
What!!! That’s sooo rude and disrespectful. My wife says things like that to me not in public but she’ll say things when we argue “that’s why you have no friends or I’m sorry you have no friends but I do or some other condescending bullshit!!! Woman are absolutely fucked these days it sounds like. Wooooow. I would have said actually yes he has a lot of friends and I’m one of them looking her right in the eyes like she should watch how she talks to my friend lol. 😂
@@SavageConnors I should have done the right thing and said something like that but at the time I kind of awkwardly laughed trying to pretend she was making a joke.
I mean... some people do joke like that back and forth and they don't take it personally... but generally, yes, that sounds abusive.
I would have said get behind me woman and know your place.
@@SavageConnorsI don’t need friends. I’m a loner. A rebel I can get into enough trouble on my own other people don’t compliment me that’s what I have said. They play dirty you play dirty right back. This I am woman hear me roar bullshit is a myth. No one is above or beneath me. My folks always used to tell me never let folks talk to you any kind of way.
I’m a woman, and the worst abuse I’ve encountered in my life has repeatedly been from other women in platonic relationships. People of any gender can be abusive, but abuse from women is unfortunately overlooked.
All of the abuse I've encountered is from them.
dude as a man i respect you
as an woman myself. I not only agree. because women are not just cruel to men. I suggest watching Yahhanna 82. Noah hines. Rob pickens. and that legal gaurdianship is a scam.
Abuses caring in public and most woman are very subtle in showing and what not to show. Most woman are still not labeled with NPD or worse as antisocial-personality disorder and get more labels of BPD/Bipolar/ADHD instead of .. This makes it harder cause as a result, more social assistance recipients, also because of the 'caring'
A man might fight you. But a woman wants to destroy you inwardly. She does not care if she loses dignity in the process
or harms herself. And she will always play the victim.
People do not understand that Satan is female (effeminate) in nature; and that Eve was not tricked(deceived without fault on your part) into giving Adam of the fruit of knowledge; she was beguiled(convinced to do so).
There is a huge difference between those words.
As of yesterday ive finally had enough. 12 yrs. I asked for a divorce. I never noticed i slipped into this type of relationship. Im done. Getting my life back. My daughter will understand one day. 11 out of my 12 yrs together was harsh. Getting my shit back. Like i used to be.
Congratulations
It only gets better from now on
I left almost 4 years ago and even though it’s hard you’ll be happier overall
Go mate.
Good job brother. I ve been in a 12 year hellish marriage too and I m definitely done myself. Just waiting til tax time to move on my own.
Don't want to leave my kids right now but I feel myself dying everyday inside being with her.
I can't imagine it being anything but hard. I've just left a girlfriend with who I've been together for 10 years and who I really deeply love. She's not interested in me and I have problems of my own, including depression and frustrated anxiety, which she helped me immensely getting out of, at least in the beginning. I became a better person because of her. However after a few years she stopped helping instead using blame and stress inducing behaviour to make things worse for me and never once try to help me out of the deepest pits.
We broke up a few days ago and I'm trying desperately to get her back, that I can and want to change, that I have the will and strength to change. But she's just denying anything good has ever happened in these 10 years and I struggle so much to understand what I'm doing wrong and what I should do now.
The ultimately most important moment in a man-woman-relationships is the first time the woman fails to validate a boundary that the man sets clearly and calmly. There are no other alternatives than to walk away. If you decide to "give her a chance" and be patient about it - you will pay in the long run.
I’ve been in a toxic abusive relationship for 18 months. First 3 months were lovely until she showed me her real personality when she gets angry, hysterical, dramatic. She used to scratch my skin because of her stress and nerves and let scars on my body until now. I am happy that I left such a toxic relationship, but still feel guilty and sad. Stay strong kings. Remember, you are never responsible for someone’s life and no one deserve to be treated poorly. Your mental health is more important than any relationship.
Same same, almost thought we were talking about the same trollop? LOL
Wild. My ex would constantly pick at my skin and I got exhausted telling her to stop so I just let it happen. When I responded finally with "hey. Stop doing that to me it upsets me. You are hurting me." It was suddenly my fault. I was responsible for her stress and that's why she was picking at her and my skin. By picking at my skin in a way she was telling me she had control of me AND my body. It's so screwed up!
GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT!
100% my case. Spot on.
Thank you for sharing brother. It helps us all to get stronger and realize it was not about us but now we have to look at what part we played and allowing it to happen and to put up with it. Mine didn’t like that I was catching on and calling it out, hoping that she would care that she’d hurt me and might even apologize. That’s the last thing that will ever happen. If ever they’re dying day they’ll blame someone else.
Never again. Would rather die alone and at peace.
This needs to talked about more. So many guys go through this but just don't notice it because we aren't taught to notice it. As someone who's been in an emotionally abusive relationship by the time you realize it's going on, you also realized that society as well as therapists either don't want to hear about it or has an anti male bias that prevents them from viewing men as a victim leading to victim blaming.
They will notice just don’t want to face it
@@mikebird5236 Oh...they'll notice!
The term "pussy whipped" comes to mind. I've been told that. 🥴
It's the frog in the pot of boiling water syndrome.
It's a slow burn and we get used to accepting it - until the water is completely boiling and we're too broken to say stop......
We notice but people ridicule men who want to discuss their issues. And, many women will go a step further and ask "yeah but what did you do?"
This is what female abuse looks like. When you are made to feel like you need to apologize for HER poor behavior. The crazy thing is, it took me a while to understand that I did this to myself and realized I needed a change so I would never accept this type of behavior in any relationship. Accountability is the only way to truly make the necessary changes!
Self accountability!
Exactly. You are not here in this situation by accident or coincidence. Healthy people would’ve left at the first sign or proof of it. Yet, we all stayed and then cried and yelled about “repeatedly” being treated wrong….
Every woman is an entitled narcissist. EVERY ONE.
I am a woman and my dad was emotionally abused by my mum and it really affected me to the point I avoided relationships all together because I didn't want to abuse a man, I didn't want to end up like my mother. It took me years to understand that my dad was emotionally abused and as a woman I have the power to do better than my mother, I can make a man feel safe, I have that power. I also realised that I am not my mother and I also need to feel emotionally safe, emotional safety should work both ways in a relationship. I understand now that eventhough I can't physically protect my partner, I can emotionally protect him.
P.s. I was also emotional abused by my mum, she abused us all.
Sounds like a lot of useful realisations there. Great stuff :)
You are a great lady.
Glad to hear you were able to learn by bad example what not to do. My daughter's mother was emotionally abusive and diagnosed with narcissist personality disorder. Despite that, she still got 50/50 custody in divorce. My daughter was only four when we divorced, so luckily she won't remember most of what she saw. My biggest fear going forward is that she will not have a healthy female role model & will learn to mirror her mother's behavior towards men. It's encouraging to see your comment.
thank you for caring about us. most women do never think about the fact that we can get hurt too.
@@Jsinebdjsmdbejlol JFC wtf?
There is a cohort of women who reinforce these behaviors in each other. It makes them feel like if they are denied their perfect vision, they are the victims and are being controlled by an abuser. Social media can throw gas on the fire.
So true
I’m a girl listening to this because I refuse be toxic with my current boyfriend.
I hope he appreciates how remarkably rare and loving that is.
Don't be biased, look at other type of videos
@@stegosandrosos1291 well, I am. I am doing my own research
My best friend (a woman) calls me a lot with her relationship problems. Normally, I don’t like being “the go to guy,” but with her, she comes to me because she wants an HONEST opinion. She doesn’t just want to be caressed
She wants me to call her out when she’s wrong, and says “I don’t want to be a manipulator. Please tell me if I am the bad guy here. Be honest”
It must be hard the whole worlds telli you you're the shit.
This needs to be talked about more often, I’ve seen a-lot of women around me be emotionally abusive and manipulative towards their partners and it just gets looked over but when a man so much as raise his voice in retaliation, he is are bad person.
Yes women understand acutely how much power they have, they’ve orchestrated this power unbalance through victimhood, vulnerability and femininity and men’s desire to appease and protect and provide for them. They’ve created an illusion that women are good all the time and men are overall bad, the reality I see is most men are good and a few bad ones along with that vast majority of women willing to manipulate good men have given a negative image to all men. And we don’t accept that women are just as human and capable of being bad. So when you have a whole group with unchecked power the majority of the group will take advantage of it because it benefits them. And it’s become so pervasive that women actually believe it’s normal and right and justified and it’s overlooked and excused because everybody has been brainwashed to believe they aren’t doing wrong. I haven’t met one single women that is innocent of horrible manipulation and toxicity, that includes my grandmother, mother, sister, and every friend and girlfriend I’ve ever had along with friends girlfriends. But women rule the world because men do everything to get women, women control who has access to them and it benefits them to wield power and control over men so unless men check out and refuse to participate in the power unbalance women will continue to reap the benefits
To right it needs to be talked about, but it’s hard because feminism deny it and the media treat all women as angels, but definitely do what you can to get the message out
Unfortunately, the opposite is happening feminist are teaching young women to abuse their partners.
@@gregrodgers107women are far from angels and people need to stop treating women like angels
My ex tried to convince me I was bipolar when I got angry after she intentionally tried to make me angry.
Same. I went to threapy and the doctor determined that I am not. No surprise.
I understand that it is very tricky and tough situation because something like this is so hard for another person to understand. It is in very close intimate relationship, this kind of thing happens and only two of you can be the witness of. It is true though that sometimes it is real bipolar and the person who has such symptoms cannot tell that he / she has such issue. I am sure your case is different and I see that manipulation from woman happened.
I was such a self-confident, happy, naive person before I got into my first relationship. Her way of manipulating, lying, playing with my feelings, triangulating by flirting in front of me on purpose, her literally trying to convince me I was developing dementia, all eventually made me crumble. Completely, utterly exhausted.
Being replaced by what I thought was a good friend was the icing on the cake.
Really good video. Reflection is key to avoid these relationship dynamics in the future. And although these moments are painful, you learn a lot about yourself, who your friends are, and how to be happy alone.
Thanks for sharing, mate. How is your recovery going?
Same man and then trying to convince you you did what she actually did in the end happend to me
This was so me. Non confrontational, a push-over, accepted her disinterest as meaning I needed to try harder and be better…Then, when I grew a pair and set some boundaries and called her out on her behaviour, she felt too “emotionally unsafe” to even continue counselling sessions.
I was with a woman who claimed that she wanted a partner on the same level like a team but then actually just wanted someone to subjugate. Same kind of thing. Very strange behavior
Time to say goodbye. There are plenty of women out there like this. They will simply move on to their next victim. Eventually, many men toss in the towel.
The courts back the woman. The lawyers back the woman. She is awarded everything you have. No one even wants to hear your side.
Sometimes. Not always.
@@SamStone1964 I have a contraddiction about that. How many women go to jail for abuse against men?
@@SamStone1964 most
Now imagine you were in this situation for over 20 years because no one clued you in to the extremely subtle and cumulative damage and the internet didn't exist yet to help you figure it out. Really glad you dodged that bullet because I can tell you that when you realize what you've allowed and start to undo the damage to your psyche it's extremely painful and you're pretty sure there aren't enough years left in your life to undo all of it.
Unfortunately, I don't have to imagine :( . Still married to her, just recently realised that I have been living in her matrix for 20+ years and have been fed with blue pills... until she made a mistake and gave me red pill, I've discovered infidelity (with her ex, after 25 years, can you believe it?!) ... still don't have power to leave... maybe when kid grow...
Dang, I'm sorry man! Hang in there - your kid is worth it, even if she isn't.
Yep. Know exactly how you feel. In that situation now
I feel that one boys, 25 years I’ve wasted on pretending I had the perfect life, and because I finally decided to leave, got a lawyer that bitch took everything I loved away from me branded me a junkie abuser without a scrap of evidence, is constantly trying to play the victim, and why is it now they say the word aggressive and everyone suddenly forgets how you got there. You ruined my life and I let you, yeah I’m angry. But I’m not gonna hit you. I will never touch you again!!! I wish I would have left sooner but after she had an affair with one of my closest friends, the only one who knew how hard I was working to work on our relationship, I ran and told my children cause I knew I couldn’t take it back. Since then I’ve been assaulted by her then, the cops show up and literally say to me I believe you, but this isn’t going to go your way, you’re a man! ( thanks for that bud ) this happened a couple times, well a lot actually. I have been accused of being a junkie for 25 years that no one noticed, alienated from my children because she knows that is all I want! But that’s why she has to take it because I don’t want her at all, I’m being stalked and followed by her father for months now, ( only realized 6 months ago that I was in a threesome that I wasn’t actually in I was an employee, but because admitting they failed as parents they will throw me away, and steal my children. I am the enemy now because I told her parents to deal with alcohol problem because she is their problem not mine! But I was so wrong, they are trying to drive me to suicide, or on drugs. It’s new and exciting every day how are we gonna torture him so he kills himself, or just runs away
Internet's been around since the early nineties man 😂 but I get what you're saying
I just ended mine 5 hours ago. The exact same relationship you described. Creating such a strong emotional bond that I became a wimp. Breaking me down slowly. I went through after shock till I had a call for an hour from my own support. (Once again you've posted a part of my current goings on) thank you
Honestly identical
Damn. How are you doing?
@@OliverCowlishaw to be honest. Not great but its bareable for now. I went through her chats and was discussed but it was the realization I needed. Right now I just want to figure out the best way to move forward with myself. My mental space and emotional space can't really reside in the same space and I'd like to feel my inner peace and use this experience to sustain it
@@dylankock3633 my email in case you need to talk brother. ocowlishaw@gmail.com.
@@OliverCowlishaw thank you🥺🙏🏼
I lived with two women who were emotionally abusive-my late mom and grandmother-a great deal of my life. I still feel the scars from their abuse.
Our mom is dying alone currently. She knows why.
My mom is like that
Amen to that, just had six hours of very same today, whilst I'm ill. Awful out of control female toxicity and misandry. I raise my voice, slightly, in hour 6? Tell her what she's doing wrong? She escalates into WW3. Hopefully I can walk away soon. She gives little but takes a lot, I'm coming to the conclusion it's not my fault, I provide, I never get thanks, I'm better than this.
These are the only type of relationships that I’ve known existed. Idk if I’ve ever been in or witnessed a relationship where this doesn’t happen.
Also, thank you so much just for being vulnerable enough to self reflect and put this out there for men (or women).
It doesn’t make us less manly. It doesn’t make us soft. If anything, being able to truly understand the dynamic shows wisdom and strength in my opinion, especially not to repeat the same behavior.
I've watched so many videos that mention narcissism and the implication is always that they're the perpetrator and you're the victim. It's a nice breath of fresh air to hear someone refute that notion and to get encouraged to take responsibility for having played a part in creating the situation and to learn from it.
Ultimately, being an overly nice and clingy person will make you into a passive enabler. It's unfortunate, but the truth.
I have been there multiple times, it took me until my late 30s to understand that I chose and attracted women of that variety. Aged 51 I have, after further abuse, finally chosen to avoid any more contact with women.
My ex gf is a covert narcisstic monster, the day I discovered her true nature she dumped me because she lost control over me
One thing that helps me deal with "I'm weak for being here" is telling myself something like "no, you're weak for not getting out. Courage involves being vulnerable. If you're scared of being vulnerable with the people who really love you and want to help, that's where the weakness is. Go and speak to someone.".
It was asserting my boundaries and breaking up with her that made her drop the mask. Been single and rebuilding my social circle for 3 years. 24 years old next month. Rough time but incredibly grateful
Thanks mate really needed this help 😢 she tells everyone including herself and I, that I AM THE ABUSER 😢😢
This is a topic that needs more conversation, feminists deny this happens, the media see all women as angels but speak out men
Narcissists are the problem. Not women. Not men.
These mean emotionally abusive women always are in relationships with kind hearted men . The good kind hearted women in most cases are in relationships with abusive men . Sad and so true .
Interesting idea, actually.
@@OliverCowlishaw I think you must be a nice man and never deserved poor treatment by spoilt drama Queens . You have given great advice to men Always set your boundaries and always find a women who will look after you . I am a traditional wife and could cook at the age of 9 years old . These days the young modern woman don’t like cooking and taking care of their family .
And then they get jaded and never trust any potential love interests again
@louis So true; it's both. I just think it's harder for men to deal with maybe sometimes because of the societal expectations and a lack of info out there specifically for men on this topic.
@@louisaklimentos7583 W Based woman🗿🍷
Respect for u ma'am
The family court gives custody of the children to the wife in over 95% of divorces. Fathers have to put up with abuse if they wish to protect their children from the mother.
Thats why i dont marry, all women are the same and am saying that with good reasons!!!!
going through a toxic relationship where my girlfriend emotionally abuses me we've been together for a year I even move States to try to distance myself from her but it made things worse currently going through a lot so this video really helps a lot thank you
get out of it. It won't get better. good luck
There needs to be far more public recognition of this. You are a brave man for speaking on this.
She ended a 10 year relationship. Nothing but manipulation and blaming me for our faults. She was suicidal, depressive and unapologetic. She walked out on jobs all the time and would cry over anything. The reality is they dont even know what theyre doing in the moment, it comes naturally for them. Then when they have to confront their BS they shut down and blame you for how miserable they are. Lets not forget dragging up the past to make you feel ashamed.
This happened last week, shes gone but I feel absolutely wrecked. I know I was in a toxic relationship but my dumb ass still cries over her. Sucks man.
we need more guys talking about this type of stuff and legal ways to hold people accountable when they knowingly set about to hurt people
Heck, yes! There are many, many physically beautiful, charismatic, emotionally abusive Jezebels out there!
Exactly what I went through for 15 years. Thank you for sharing.
She cheated on me (3rd time) last year. Then when I caught her she FAKED A BREAKUP WITH THE guy! Yes had him on speakerphone acting out a breakup. I followed her next week where she was with him.
Long story short.... I was devastated..... I know...... Why?? Because I was emotionally abused for 15 years.
Now I am with the most wonderful, girl I could ever have imagined.
The year of healing is a lot of soul searching on how did I allow this to happen?
Your video helps. 15 years of put downs and she had me convinced I would never find another girl.
And I'm a surgeon and lead guitarist in a local band. This could happen to anyone with the vulnerable mindset.
Never again.
Thank you again for sharing
I didn't realize it at the time but my ex's narcissism presented itself when I would say something along the lines of "I don't appreciate that," she would break down and cry, and I would apologize for upsetting her. It really caught me off guard and I didn't know how to handle it...now I know. Her mother was incredibly domineering and ran the household, so she's certainly inherited some of her narcissism. I have broken the cycle and my gf is the most pleasant, kind, feminine person to be around.
Oh boy. Begging for her approval... I felt that....
Me too, mate. Trust me.
The kids and I have been through hell and back with my ex-wife. She was diognosed with borderline personality disorder post seperation. False allegations, court cases, she assaulted me and I was placed on a order. Magistrate said I was a big male and unlikely to experi3nce fear, she is a small woman who has anxiety, her b3haviour is reasonable due to stress. I shit you not.
4 years no contact, still trying to rebuild. The family court threw her case out, I raise the four children full time.
It's bloody rough, and there is virtually no support for men, or the children living with a single father.
Brother I feel like Im going through what youve gone through. Strongly suspect my ex is BPD and our son is not even a month old. Any advice?
We live together and I'm being verbally abused and threatened every day, but I am also the only one working, I am a big guy but I actually am starting to fear her.
@@airthrowDBT and you should be affraid. It's not just the outbursts, it's the false allegations. I know it's hard, but I strongly advise that you talk to someone. Take care of yourself..
My question is how did you get her to get evaluated because most won't go
I was I. A toxic relationship for fourteen years its taken me the same amount of time to heal from it. Thank God I know what to look out for now!!
guilt & shame is a very powerful weapon. break the cycle and you begin to really see the truth
Ik men get abused too and it's sad. I watched this to see if I have done anytremotley like ur description....I dont wanna hurt my man....thank u for making this video....keep up the good work.
Im still 39 years a victim of a narcissist, i didn't even know what it meant until i did research 7 months ago, everything's becoming clear now.
I realise that im not useless or unloveable, im not trash or stupid.
Ive had the silent treatment for the majority of our relationship, ive had 2 spells of 8 weeks of her totally ignoring me, not a word, no food even when shes cooking a roast for herself.
Ive been belittled, insulted in front of strangers and if i ask her why shes being cruel to me she will say.. go on pick pick pick it's always my fault.
I thought I was losing my mind, my mental health has been damaged beyond repair.
Im always walking on eggshells and my tummy is knotted in fight or flight mode. 11:12
Im now trying to break away from this nightmare.
Im petrified about a future lonely life.
The sad part is, when you go to therapy men are treated constantly as the aggressor. We can't state that there's emotional abuse happening and if we do, it's not believable. I've spent time in therapy, and one thing I can say for sure is, my wife will twist a story however she needs to, in order to validate her emotional abuse. No matter what I say, she will be believed specially since the counselor was a woman.
My ex tried flipping the narrative on a therapists this same way too. It’s two years and I’m waking up from a nightmare of her. Still trying to get out of the victim feeling I have. This video helps
Ummm no.. Thats your experience. Dont typecast a whole profession or people or gender because it suits your narrative.
I go to a female therapist too. Not at all is my experience like yours and I will never say that my experience is what it's like for everybody.
2ndly.. It sounds like either yiu have a shitty therapist or that you believe in your head that she believes your your wife or perhaps maybe in fact you are not as innocent as you think
@@akshaydeIt's very, very common though.
as a therapist, I think that happens alot, way more than it should. Many therapists literally know nothing
about NA and have never heard about a man being abused by a woman. All couple therapists should be
screening for NA before agreeing to take on a couple in counseling...everyone should feel free to ask the
therapist some questions before making an appointment..."are you familiar with narcissistic abuse?"
Been there. Our female counsellor said it was totally normal for my wife not to give any intimacy as she had just delivered a baby and that it's totally my fault that she kept nagging at everything i did, as i sometimes did not put away the laundry at the same day. I was told to man up, AS my wife was going through a hard time, having a baby and stuff. I bore the cross for five years, then told my wife she better changed or i'd be gone. Strangely enough, she did change for the better and now my marriage is bearable and even fun at times.
I agree with the others that we shouldn't avoid the victim term.
Men not being allowed to be victims is a problem in itself.
It might be useful to encourage victims to step out of passive mode and get help. But it's not helpful to blame the victims for these situations, thereby perpetuating the "man up" attitude, which is destructive in itself.
Well said
I believe it's the context, it's not denial or minimalizing of what one has been through; but changing ones mind to that of being powerful to overcome it. I think that's what he means; power to take oneself out of the sick cycle and to not be eternally spun around by it. In that sense not being a victim means not being helpless and bitter; but rather acknowledge this and this happened but it's not going to determine my identity anymore or make me bitter anymore. I hope I'm making sense
I thought exactly the same thing as you. I didn't appreciate his comments about us sufferers not being victims.
Being a good loving person is a strength not a weakness
Thank you for talking about the “co-creation” aspect. I’m definitely interested in my own culpability in creating such a horrible relationship, and that I might be able to avoid it going forward.
It's rare that people wish to take this level of responsibility. Good shit 🙏🏻
Thanks for this. Physical abuse, of course, is never justified in any shape or form - but how often have sane and decent men been driven to behave horrifically because of unrelentingly abusive women?
Virtually every case
Sane and decent men are not in relationships with “unrelenting” abusive women. You get into toxic relationships because of your childhood wounds… Helathy individuals do not. There is no “unrelenting”, constant abuse by a woman- that is because at the first sight or proof of such, they leave. They are not INTRIGUED or interested in it. The people that are interested in that behavior subconsciously or not, stick around and complain and cry about it. Then feel justified about “physical abuse”. You are a participant in the whole dynamic and process. No it’s not right or fair for someone to abuse you, but you are to blame and at fault for every situation in your adult life. Force yourself to understand this, discover and heal your childhood trauma and wounds-mostly with your caregivers, likely your mother. Look into attachment styles, and attraction, also self sabotage/self harm/self hatred, and the subconscious.
@@bradrogers4281no sir. Just because you feel “justified” does not actually make you any less evil. Take one look at history, or anybody ever, they all felt “justified”, and right. Stand back with objectivity and remind yourself of morality, good and evil, if you must. You’re angry and there is a hurt
little boy inside that’s been forgot about. Find him. It will be a journey to, but do it.
This is why you are in this situation in the first place, attracted to women and situations that hurt you- repeatedly, as the comment stated. You’ve chose this, whether subconsciously or not. You’re drawn and attracted to it. It’s not an accident. And until you feel that inside, however dark or foreign or dead or scary it might be, you will just repeat this for the rest of your days here on earth. If it’s not in romantic relationships, it’ll be through any and everything else- whatever can hurt and sabotage you, because somewhere you believe and have been taught, that it’s what your deserve. All While yelling, getting upset, violent, and blaming everything else.
@@sperez3275victim blaming.
I survived an emotionally abusive relationship. The worst parts were, of the few friends left who she allowed me to keep, I would share with them what was going on, and they got mad at me for “starting drama,” and how they “wanted to hear about the good things”
I begged them to reassure me I wasn’t evil for wanting to leave her - they would not. They made me feel like I would be evil and selfish for leaving her
And when I finally did escape, nobody validated me. Not even therapists. Everybody told me either “it’s your fault for letting her do that, you deserve your situation now because you let a woman abuse you” or “oh well too late, you’re too old to have fun! You need to grow up, focus on work, get married and have children. Not ready for that? Too bad! Do it!”
😢
Thank you very much for sharing this. I've been gathering the strength to end a relationship that was EXACTLY how you described. I felt I was losing my mind. This helps immensely.
Have zero tolerance against psychos and bullies. Man Woman Family I don’t care anymore. But I am a nice guy until someone plays on me.
Poor boundaries. I'm glad you mentioned that. There are people like that everywhere. You just have to avoid them. I learned that the hard way. The on off thing is called intermittent reinforcement and it will make lab rats completely addicted.
Oh my gosh.
Thank you for writing my comment for me.
This was my mum in the 80/90s and my ex on/off ex girlfriend. It's shocking and infuriating to discover what intermittent reinforcement is and how it works.
Yeah, I realised that when my mother got divorced from my father he was basically addicted even though she treated him very badly.
Im suspicious of the playing down of victimhood in men going through this. I know i was once young and naive and got crushed by a relationship where these dynamics played out. Most painful thing i ever went through and i was absolutely a victim in the sense that childhood emotional neglect lead me along that path. This is just a mundane form of human cruelty and a more loving upbringing would have spared many men and women this suffering.
But men need to look after each other that is for sure. Dont know quite why we lost this capacity but the book "iron john" provided some food for thought.
Excellent video.
If this video in any way suggests that I'm downplaying the suffering caused, this is 100% not my intention. I've been there and I know how painful it is.
But I also got stuck in victim mode for far too long and nobody around me had the courage/inclination to reflect that to me. It would have helped.
So something I like to say:
"You may not have been the cause but you are definitely the solution"
Take care mate.
@@OliverCowlishaw sure man, thanks for the feedback.
I have checked out on women. This occurs so much now. Always has but now its more.
It sucks. They target people who care
My sons mother, all ex girlfriends, all narcissistic monsters....exactly like my MOTHER! This is learned behavior from the one person in life you're meant to trust unconditionally.
Finally! It's so good to find some men discussing this topic. Imagine trying to find an abuse shelter for men in the US. Not gonna happen. (Hell, Americans worship & elect narcissists.) I am getting a divorce from an abusive woman, and moving into a close group of men that will properly support me. It took me 1 1/2 years of therapy to stop denying that I was in such a horrible relationship. Now I am working towards growing & changing so I don't make the same mistake again. VIP, I like that. And thanks for being vulnerable Oliver. Men are feeling humans too.
I’m a 63 year old female who is still married to my emotional abuser. I wish I had had access to this information decades ago. I had no access to the internet. All I had was a number of ministers assuring me that God would heal my marriage. I suffered for many years.
Sadly we understand things when we understand them. Fortunately information is more accessible than it was decades ago. Best wishes in resolving your situation.
Can you leave now? If you are able to live on your own, do it and leave this toxic relationship. It's never too late to leave an abusive relationship
I’m 54 and was just thinking, “except for molestation, nobody was talking about boundaries when I was growing up.”
And you have another good point, you had outside validation that you are doing right. Not to mention the stick of burning in Hell if you get a divorce.
This whole idea that people can’t be victims of abuse is ridiculous.
Of course when you realize you are being abused you then have accountability.
God may not have healed your marriage, or maybe not even you but I pray that your faith in your God, your true God endured or will safely find a way to endure. True faith is believing even when your not seeing. For me knowing that I was capable of loving my creator in spite of feeling forsaken was a loyalty worth having in the end as well as strengthened my character n self worth. What I came to realize is my God was enduring right there with me throughout all my suffering and He stood firmly in His beliefs of my heart and my capabilities of over coming my fears. Once I made it through I was blessed with an abundance of confidence. I chose to love even when it wasn't easy to do, even when the evidence didn't make sense of it all, because I chose love for my God I can welcome the most love in return. It's hard to except a perfect love when your not capable of giving it
The churches refuse to acknowledge domestic violence.
It happens to me in front of my daughter, and the hardest thing for me, is my daughter seeing a previously strong man, tearing up, in the middle of a grocery store, it's very embarrassing for me
Nothing to be embarrassed about man. They bring u to that point
All that matters is healing. Moving forward. Getting therapy for codependency and childhood trauma. And learning the great lesson that’s available from this
I’m sorry you’re going through that, man. I’m dealing with the same thing. Keep your head up brother.
You aren't alone brother
Not alone
My daughter in law is abusive and controlling toward my son and her children and also toward her own mother and me as well ..she needs an exorcism..it’s like she is a demon
This is a perfectly crystallized description of what abuse dynamics are like, stem from and cause.
Exactly.
Thank you for your clarity and vulnerable self-reflection.
You are spot on.
The biggest thing I learned happened when I decided that I was setting boundaries. You cant do that until you know you will walk if they are violated. Relationships are a constant power struggle. Until you are willing to walk away if you dont get what you need, she has all the power. Once you are willing to walk, you can demand that she not be disrespectful. She just needs to know you are serious. You have to be willing to walk. Just remember, you are more important to you than she is. Demand she respect you to the same level you respect yourself. There are about 3.5 billion woman on the planet, dont settle for an abusive one.
God bless you for sharing this. You're right, it's a very vulnerable discussion but a vital one. These discussions need to keep happening.
I'm still working on it for myself but truly hope you're in a place now where trust and empathy and love are the natural state for you.
Well said. You just got yourself a new subscriber.
I lived this nightmare for my marriage of 17 years. I’ve been divorced for almost 7 years now, and I’m still dealing with the damage done.
I couldn’t see what was going on, and much I was being manipulated, until after the marriage.
I was married to a bipolar, narcissistic whore. And I let it happen, because I thought she was what I deserved, because I’m damaged from my childhood. Oh... and because she was a hot piece of ass, and the sex was great.
Thing is, that stuff doesn’t matter, cuz it’s not worth the evil that comes with it.
Same here. The ass is never worth it. Ever
I was a people pleaser, and didn't try to inconvenience anybody even to my own detriment i finally gave up and out of rage hit her so hard two blows and she left, then everyone blamed me, i refused to settle it with others and insisted that we solve it the two of us, i instilled rules and that was the end of my frustrations nowadays i normally enforce boundaries when I don't agree with something and now i love myself more it is the only way out you become too soft you die.
The casino analogy hits so hard, for almost a year she would act so loving and caring one day and then the next blame me for everything and make me feel like I did everything wrong when I acted the exact same as the day before, I didn’t see it before and was never told to look out for it but it was just this constant gamble and hit of dopamine day in and day out, just being strung along by the excitement of how she’d act and hoping for her validation
This is the best video I have heard on women emotionally abusing me. Thank you so much for this.
My pleasure.
Oliver, thank you for this 😞 Been in a relationship for 11 months and it’s absolute torture.
That sounds touch, mate. Sorry to hear you're going through this. You absolutely have the strength to pull through. I promise.
“You accept the love you think you deserve.” That is key
As a woman who experienced emotional abuse from a woman (health professional) i feel this and it is very subtle. What also was, was 'openly showing care through others' and put you down 1 on 1, and wanting extra validation. I also experience the check marks and not answering, this already is abuse to trigger your doubt system and to trigger a reaction out of you. Uses intermittent reinforcement/pauses of you being hard and need distance for awhile but also lures by using gifts/hoover a reaction and then silent treatment. She used triangulation with other health professionals and my parents, i experienced emotional abuse from my parents again (she knew about childhood trauma) and health professionals became not only flying monkeys but were also enabling by using the silent treatment as well or/and bullied me by poking with patronizing. She was problably a sociopath(antisocial) with comorbidity ADHD.
As a woman, these suggestions were useful for me too. Ty.
Until women are held accountable, men will never speak out about this abuse.
I live this every day.
My partner loves to play damsel in distress and threaten and blackmail, make audio recordings of me during fights she's started to paint the picture of me being an abuser any time I don't do exactly as she wishes.
Would have left years ago, but we have kids together and I know if we split, she'd get custody and my kid's lives and futures would be over.
Honestly, I don't have a plan, I'm just suffering every day.
She hasn't worked in over 5 years and is always getting into financial burdens and needing to be rescued and I can't get my teeth fixed or get therapy because we're always living outside of our budget.
most days I just pray that an accident will happen to one of us so I don't have to live through the fall out of ending this relationship with the most manipulative, vile, codependent worthless piece of shit person I have ever encountered,
I am sorry mate. You have children you can love though, i hope that compensates.
Yes. A lot of them cast you as "abuser" and instill their view. While no accountability for their own actions.
Dude this happened to me, I legit thought I was losing my mind. I've never been so fucked in the head, so confused about myself and my moods.
The thing that got me was she ALWAYS had excuses and they were blatant lies, SO blatant, that I'd think "theres no way it's not the truth, it'd be too easy to poke holes in such a flimsy story, guess its true?"
All rang true... the on/off, being terrified of upsetting her. The few times things went "well" was when I'd get fed up, lose my temper and put my foot down. She'd shape up until I again slipped up and put her before my dignity.
I hear you brother and empathize. Id rather be blindsided punch to my face than to endure the long lasting trauma these women perpetrate. Fear not, however, all such women will answer for, acknowledge their wrongs, and ultimately apologize to us all. Stay tuned...you will see. God bless...
Thank you for this. I don’t relate with any stories of relationships too much but the part about assertiveness and maintaining your mental stability even when the odds are against you, really sticks with me. Especially since my mind isn’t at ease at the moment. Great video
Oliver, thank you for this video. It is SO needed !
I appreciate that/you.
THANK YOU 🙏🏼🙏🏼 this needs to be heard!!!!
Thank you Oliver for making this. It was much needed at this moment.
Can I just say that you are not just an brother to all men but you're a big brother to all brothers. I love this video a lot. I also want to reach out to you if you'd like and if it's okay w/ you and if you're up to it. And yeah, I've been through this and I actually still am going through this and I want it to just end so that I can find peace ✌🙏 in my life.
Hey brother. Reach out to me whenever you want. Here for you.
I had a live in girl friend.
She told me that because I were a man, I had no right to "tell" her anything. Woman power, ya know.
Bear in mind, she were coming home with different men, all hours of the night, mind you.
I were younger once.
Sounds like narcissistic behavior. Hope you set yourself free and managed to get far away from that.
When she left me for her sister's husband, I realized quickly, that being alone were no where near as bad as being in an abusive relationship.
@@alexghousyou are lucky she left!
Whatever happens don't let it get out!! Trust who you confide in!! Family,friends etc. They will hurt you the most leaving you more devalued!!
My father told me before he passed away that 'all women were insane'
Wow dude - I can relate! Thanks for putting yourself out there - that took courage. Im glad to know that my story is not alone.
Craving for approval. Thank ypu so much. Too many life coaches online who talk from a script. I know you were telling the truth. Thank you. You saved a life
I am currently going through this with my kids’ mom. To me it is wild how common this actually is. I have lost track of how many times I have come across videos/post/comments from men all across the world standing up and telling their stories, and everyone of them sound exactly like mine 😢
The person I was before I began dating is unrecognizable to my current self. The string of relationships I’ve have over the past 14 years has turned me completely ice cold. Once I get out of this current relationship in about a month when the lease is up, I’m going to go right back to being a womanizer, using them strictly for sex and nothing more.
When I was a little boy, my father used to deliberately starve me for his own sick entertainment, along with a miasma of other abuse. I’m 31 years old now, and I only crave food once a day because my body had no option but to acclimate itself to never eating.
I would rather experience that awful upbringing a thousand times over than experience another relationship with some woman. It’s a pain that cannot compare to anything else on earth. I am really done for good this time, and it feels so great that I’m finally starting to truly accept that.
Wow. So we'll put, clear and concise. I've been in this for 27 years and the self doubt just keeps you going
If you were a woman, talking about a man, you would have a million subs.
Quite possibly
Nope. I've talked about it on my channel and ppl could care less lol.
OMG this is the most accurate description I ever heard in youtube about anything. jeezzz
Your words are so accurately right in every way. Thanks for it !
I’m writing this comment because i recognize myself in most of what you’re saying and i also wanted to say that i am deeply sorry that you went through all of that. I am a woman and in a 6 month relationship with this guy, and he always blames me for never listening, never being there when in fact i always try to be, i even picked up the phone several times at like 3 am or 4. Everytime, i feel like i need to analyze everything i’m going to tell him to not hurt him or start a fight. I’m writing this comment shaking and crying because i just wish things could be different and could go back just the way they were. We planned a trip and yesterday he told me to go by myself because he was mad i chose to see him two days after i had came back from a family trip, and not right the day after because he said that he wanted us to talk about something important. I then asked him to talk about it now or tomorrow in person and he refused and started telling me that i never care and only think about myself. I asked and asked what he wanted to talk about and he started telling me that i couldnt read and that im dumb. Sometimes, i even ask myself « am i the problem ? » and stay up late looking up everything that could help us or help the way i act and how to be there for him more. I overall feel like a terrible person and it even affected my physical health. I just don’t know what to do anymore
Update : we have had a deep talk about the situation and it turns out that i was also making him feel like that. We’ve made efforts and understood each other, things are way better now :))
For me my two relationships where I experienced emotional abuse led me to severe mental illness and drug addiction. It was only when I turned to Jesus Christ that I was able to start and continue my recovery. He continues to hold me up and I know I am not alone! He will do the same for all his children!
This might be one of the single best talks I've heard on the subject. Many people and "experts" speaking about this makes me feel like they're not telling me everything to get me to follow them, like talking to a potential customer, kind of manipulating me in the process of telling me not to be manipulated. I have to emphasize I'm not saying this lightly; this video unlocked something significant in my head improving the things that have landed me in my situation. And I've searched for a LOT on the subject, there's a lot out there but very little actually insightful. Thank you for a truly helpful video.
This is incredible. This is exactly to the T what I just went through. I can't believe how insightful this is. I'm really grateful I found this video as it puts it in words like I needed to be. I have a lot to learn about my own emotional intelligence but I really have a grip on what just happened so I can be more together next time.
brilliant and clear minded! thanks and well donex
Thankyou sir ✌🏻
My ex literally walked into the room i was chilling in and shouted at me "are you done being a little bitch now?" and that was the final straw ha. Imagine thinking you are adding light to someones life with that attitude . bye
most modern women will emotionally abuse you and then if you accept it, they will fall out of attraction and cheat on you LOL
good shit huh
This is spot on. Precise and to the point.