DBT - My "Favorite Person"
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- čas přidán 28. 06. 2024
- A lot of people with borderline personality disorder find themselves involved in an intense idealized relationship with a "favorite person" (FP). In this video, Dr. May thoroughly describes the dynamics of a FP relationship and how you can move toward creating more healthy connections.
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Okay you just described me. I’m concerned now. Especially the re-living positive interactions, copying their personality, and having fake conversations with them
It’s so hard when I describe it to people, because they think I mean it romantically. I’ve used the words, “intense admiration” to describe it before and the fact that you used those words says something to me. I feel really bad because the attachment I have for my favourite person is so intense I forget about everyone else. All I want is their approval. I feel broken if I don’t get to say goodbye to them even if I’ll see them again in 10mins. It feels like my heart is shattering and everyone just tells me it’s a ‘crush’ and to get over it. I don’t like them romantically, I just love them so much!
I know exactly what you mean... but at least know that you are not the only one, that type of relationship has a name, and there is a way to transcend it.
@@jennifermayph.d.2761 Thank you so much for the video and reply. You don’t know helpful and relieving it is to find this out!
@@jennifermayph.d.2761 Hey, I’m sorry this is so random. I just was wondering if you had any advice because I went to the doctors the other day (I’m young btw) and my GP was really condescending and told me that ‘everyone has parts of personality disorders’ and I found that really invalidating. I don’t know what else to do because she did exactly what the last doctor did and sent me a bunch of links to counselling websites that I have used before, and I even told her they didn’t work, but she just nodded dismissively like she wanted my to stop talking. I’m so lost on where to go now.
I'm so sorry to hear you had that very invalidating conversation with your GP. Keep in mind that just because someone knows about general medicine, it does not mean they know much about psychiatry or mental illness. My best guess is that your GP has really rudimentary knowledge (explaining the misleading info about personality disorders) and limited mental health resources. So do your best not to take that person's comments and dismissive style personally. And continue to research local therapy resources if you need them.
Anyone else re-read conversations on social media/phone with their favourite person? Going over and over the text to relive that kinda sense of warmth or happiness. Sad but just being open. God bless you all.
I used to do that with emails for sure! I sometimes would even save them in a special folder so they were all together where I could find them!
@@jennifermayph.d.2761 Thanks so much for the validation Jennifer - God bless you
I’ve reread lots of old text messages… not just for the warmth but also to figure out where things went wrong…
Yes i do that in that way i feel he is with me but then he force me to del chat so now i have no chat lil pic of him to see... but constant thinking about him is going on
Definitely! It brings back the connection but I crash because I know they're not coming back. Abandonment is death.
I’m scared to trust therapists enough to open up to them. This has made me feel so validated and heard thank you so much.
Reddit has some really great BPD sites, surprisingly everyone is really respectful and caring. I’ve opened up there more than a therapist.
i've suffered from this. i'm relieved to hear that i'm not alone, that this is a thing. because i felt so much shame because of it for years. if only this dynamic was as well known as the topic of narcissism!
The "Fear of Separation, Rejection, & Abandonment" section sounded like it was written while observing me. I knew EXACTLY what Dr. Jennifer was talking about on each and every point.
I would love it if someone could point me in the direction of some resources that could help me learn how to combat these tendencies and what to replace them with.
One thing that helped reduce the intensity was having a regular predictable weekly meeting time and no or limited contact in between. Unfortunately my FP is no longer able to offer that, but it worked well for a long time and might be worth trying.
Thanks for the suggestion. This might be helpful to some folks out there.
This is one of the best videos about FP. I’m a men and I have BPD. All you said is real and scary. We need more content about how to deal with our insecurities 🙏
Thank you 🙏
Do everything opposite of what she said.
I’ve come to understand I was my ex best friends FP, she eventually severed the relationship herself - not me, and I never understood what I did (it started to go wrong when I got a boyfriend) even though I still was prioritising her. I’ve never had any closure so these videos are helping me come to terms with it after several years of being baffled.
I feel like my favourite person relationships are almost entirely in my imagination. This includes constant commentary to them throughout the day, imaginary conversations and scenarios where they 'rescue me'. I am very aware of what the person means to me which is why I avoid in person interactions as much as possible. Anyone else experience it like this? I have already tried to reduce intensity as much as possible so it seems I'll be focusing on letting go of the fantasy and getting a life lol. But thank you very much for the moving forward tips- this is the most helpful video I have seen on FP so far!
The tricky thing is feeling like the other person in any given relationship (romantic or no) always has all the power and can/will drop you at the first bump in the road and not even really miss you, but there’s nothing they can do that will make you not care for them. It’s a frustrating dynamic, even knowing that it’s self-inflicted
Absolutely… so painful.
Thanks for sharing… I’m sure others will relate. 🙏
Holy crap! You have just described every one of my major relationships.
Thank you for this. Beautifully elucidated.
Thanks so much! 🙏
This is great...I have tried to get help with a FP relationship and have always been let down. People just tell you to get over it but it is not that easy. Thank you for, explaining this in a way I can understand and provide skills to get through it. Thank you!
Very thorough discussion. I am an FP but the person with BPD is very unpredictable and trying.
Get out. You are just enabling & will never be appreciated. You will be torn down at the worst time in your life & ghosted without closure. BPD's are toddlers emotionally.
I read 'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward. Realized I was groomed by my mother to become every selfish fvcked up person's caretaker & that my needs were rubbish.
Now I am 62 years old and struggling to care for myself.
Crises that keep happening and feel all consuming, nothing left for the relationship.
Sounds realllly familiar-- pretty positive I'm a favorite person. Thanks for this video, it has greatly deepened my understanding of this dynamic
This is the best video on the 'favorite person' i have seen. You explain it so well. I believe that this will help many people. I would love to share this on my counselling page.
Thanks so much! Yes, please feel free to share. I hope that this will help others.
This is a fantastic and thorough video - thank you!
I’m a 54 year old married father of six, I’m living a nightmare and trying to understand all these new concepts but I keep hoping I’ll just wake up. Thank you for the video.
Sorry to hear about your situation. Hope things get better for you and your family.
Thank you so much for this! I can relate to all of it, especially with my last therapist.
I have done this ALL of my life (and am currently doing it with someone) -- teachers, celebrities, friends, coworkers, acquaintances. It's like I get hyper-fixated on them, idealize them, place my self-worth in them, and then crash into despair when I realize that I'm not their "favorite person." I tried to "unalive" myself once behind this behavior. I almost had to stop watching this because it was like holding up a mirror to myself and what it's like in my head all the time. Thankfully, I'm currently in therapy and will bring this to my therapist. We've already been touching on this a bit, but you put it into words in a way that I've been unable to thus far. Thank you SO much for making this video. 🤍
Thanks for writing. Your words echo my experience as well! I’m glad the video helped you understand your experience. I hope things will continue to get better as you work with your therapist. ❤️
This was outstanding- thank you so much for posting this. I’ve been through 2 cycles of dbt and thought I had dealt with FP problems back then but recently I’ve become attached again. So listening to this made me feel validated and I’m definitely going to put into action the dbt skills you’ve went over! Thank you so much again.
Thanks for writing. Glad to help! 💕👍🏻
Dr. May, thanks a lot for this wonderful video!
You’re welcome! Thanks for watching! 🙏
This was an excellent and thorough presentation... I am the FP of a man who wants to serve my every need, but will not give me any time to myself. I must think and pray about forwarding it to him.
Best video I've seen on this subject and very timely for my own situation. I've been FPing a perfectly wonderful innocent individual for a few years now and she's had enough and now I've made a complete fool of myself. I'm working so hard to heal and I so want someone special to understand what I go through but it's not possible and she did not ask for this. It's a no contact situation now and I have to say it's such a relief. I cannot heal without letting go. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one that has done this and that there's an actual discernable pathology I can follow in this behavior and understand. I don't ever want to do this again and awareness is the key.
Thanks, Jon. I can completely relate to everything you said… it’s something I could have written myself after my own FP experiences. I’m glad the video was helpful and I hope that things will go better for you in the future.
@@jennifermayph.d.2761 Just curious because this is the first video of yours I've come across. Are you Borderline or does your FPism come from another direction? Did the experience contribute to the pursuit of your profession?
Thank you so much for this video, it is really eye-opening and helpful
I've only learned about BPD and FP in the last few months and it's been helpful because I use social media now to have a few FPs but to bounce between them to avoid full long term obsession. However, I find that in real life I self isolate to avoid driving people off with the FP obsession or intensity of BPD & an FP. It has felt very lonely
This was so important for me to hear I’ve been feeling this on my therapist and I’ve cut contact with him until I am not manic thank you 🙏
Great video! Thank you so much. Very insightful and informative.
❤
Thank you 🙏
So glad I found you. This video makes me feel so not alone in this world. I have watched all your DBT and working through RO DBT as I am in that program now. You are so amazing and its easy to understand and feel validated.
Oh wow… thanks so much! That’s really kind of you to say. 🙏❤️
Thank you for this video. I find that I already do many of the strategies you've suggested to reduce the intensity with the FP and they really do work. It just takes a lot of time. It can be particularly difficult to detach from a favorite person when they continue initiating contact. It can be hard to set those boundaries. Making other connections and finding hobbies really helps too. It's just important to keep focused and not drift back toward the favorite person, neglecting the other people and activities in your life.
Thanks for sharing your experience. I’m glad to hear you’ve been making progress detaching from your FP even though it’s hard. I hope other people see your comment and become inspired to do the same. 🙏💕
Great information. Thanks so much!
Thank you! 🙏
Thank you for sharing this!
You’re welcome ☺️
Thankyou for this very helpful video..
You really helped me....thank you so much
This helped me a lot thank you
Great video. Thankyou very much x
Thank you 🙏
Holy crap thank you for this.
So so useful! Keep up the good work!
Thank you 🙏
this video is such an eye opener. i was diagnosed with BPD a few years ago before that i was obsessed with this classmate of mine. never knew why that relationship ruined me until now.... holy shit
This is great info. Also heartbreaking for me. 😭
Good video
Excellent work 👏 ty ✨️
Thank you! 🙏
I find your videos really helpful.
Thank you 🙏
Perfectly said
Thank you 🙏
Great video ❤️❤️❤️🤩🤩🤩
Thank you 🙏
This video really helped me
Glad to hear 🙏
THANK YOUUUUU
You’re welcome ❤️
WOW this is great content. I was a FP for decades. Pretty cured now b/c I eventually got so traumatized by the NPD/BPDs that I had to wake up.
I am now pretty cured, but enjoy these contents that show me how far I healed. FPs actually are enablers & self destructive victims.
I'm so glad I searched this topic to help someone. This is really so good, thank you for making it, and explaining this dynamic in such detail. I'm almost 50, and I got diagnosed with BPD, and 4 other things at 16 in a hospital when given a full psychiatric evaluation, but I don't think I've had an FP singe age 12, long before I knew what one was. I really don't think I idealize people at all, but is that even possible with BPD? Then I think maybe I was misdiagnosed with this. 🤔 Anyway, I really appreciate this video, thanks! 😊
Hi there, Thanks for your kind note.
You don't need to have a FP or idealize someone as a criteria for borderline personality disorder. But more often than not, you may note that you have an anxious-ambivalent and/or disorganized attachment style (I have videos on both if you'd like to learn more). You may also relate to the Connection, Attunement, or Autonomy Adaptive Survival Styles (I also have videos explaining these).
@@jennifermayph.d.2761 Thanks so much for your response, I really appreciate it. 🙏 I had a friend who happened to be a neuropsychiatrist, who (I thought) told me that idealization and devaluation were one of the "core" features necessary for diagnoses. Maybe I'm remembering this incorrectly (because my memory is very bad and I dissociate a lot). I don't speak to that guy anymore because he got very creepy. 😬 Long story. Anyway, he felt I had 6 traits of BPD still, plus reconfirmed all the rest of my diagnosis from age 16. (MDD, PTSD, OCD, GAD,) plus in my 40s, I got diagnosed with ADHD, which explains a lot. If I do have BPD still, it's an "overcontrolled" presentation which is possibly why I'm dissociating so much. I internalize a lot.
I watched your attachment style videos you suggested and more. I don't really relate as much to the anxious/ambivalent as I do to the disorganized style. I related to so much in that video that I kept dissociating while listening to it and kept having to go back. 😆 A couple of my friends (one social worker, one therapist) have mentioned they think I might have DID because I lose time often and other things. I just want to get better and live with less pain and torment. I will never give up. It's just exhausting.
Anyway, I'm so sorry, I didn't intend my response to be so long. Your content is so very helpful, and I'm so happy to have come across your channel. I intend to watch them all, and I'll be sharing them to other struggling people. Thank you so much for all of your hard work and care you put into making them. You have such a great understanding of these topics, and you are very much appreciated. 😊
I've watched it 3 times from 15:18, cause from there on is what I need to hear the most. I want to better myself so fucking bad, and this video is so helpful.
Best of luck. Believe in yourself… you can do it! ❤️
You know what's the worst that probably your first favorite person is your parent or someone from your family who you always wanted to get love from and you didn't and you were punished and you were not appreciated and then you kind of you know search for that person in other people and this is what happened to me with my avoidant. I literally was so much in love with him because he reminded me of how my mother and my stepfather both treated me and how I wanted to do everything for them to love me and that is why I was trying to make him love me and that was my priority and when I was actually let's say succeeded in that I was so happy that I realized that it's not really about the love I feel for him although I do love him but it's more about how I finally got that one thing that I never got from my stepfather and I got it from this guy who is literally mentally his copy
This is an insightful presentation, thank you.
Sorry, English is not my native language.
I am a person with BPD.
I think that this FP thing originates from deep inside.
It roots from an idea that a perfect person must exist. (If not, then the world is over.. no hope.)
Maybe this feeling of longing for a perfect person is childish, but truly exists.
Most people with no BPD simply cannot understand and get confused experiencing this idealization.
That's why I have often been labeled "selfish" and without love (for my FP),
which are possibly the most horrible words to hear from an FP. 😞
(BTW, I am a hetero male and my FPs have mostly been my female romantic partners.)
Thanks for sharing your experience. I can definitely relate and I’m sure others will too! 🙏❤️
This is 2 years old and I am so grateful to have stumbled upon it. Diagnosed BPD recently but I’m a woman in my 40s. I have had this my whole life. Saw this last night and haven’t stopped thinking about what a psycho I’ve been. I have been on a DBT and emdr waitlist for forever. Will these things help?? I don’t want to be this way anymore. I’m pushing my husband away violently yet uncontrollably.
Hi there, thanks for your message. I personally know how painful it can be that you have FP or attachment issues but it can also be a first step towards making positive changes.
DBT and EMDR (and other trauma-focused therapies) can help, especially if you have a good therapist.
Meanwhile, if you want to get an idea about the DBT skills to see if they make sense for you and your issues, I have videos describing them on my channel and there are a bunch of other free resources out there too. My attachment style and developmental trauma videos might offer some useful insights as well. And there are probably tons of self-help workbooks to work on relationship issues that could help while you’re waiting to start therapy.
Best of luck to you. ❤️
@@jennifermayph.d.2761 thank you!!’ So much. I’ve been on a roll. Got a lot out of your borderline personality parts of self video! God! It’s your delivery. So appreciated.
I'm going through this now. I have high functioning borderline. I was neglected and abused as a child. I've been dead inside as far back as I can remember. He's disabled, and since he wasn't 100% sure about me I offered to support him just to keep him around. OMG. I'm so pathetic. This is eye-opening 😢
I'm glad this video may have given you some insights. I'm so sorry to hear about your painful childhood. I hope you can still learn things in your life now that will help you heal in this current chapter of your life.
@@jennifermayph.d.2761 Thank you for your kind reply ❤️
I have bpd and hpd and this is for sure a very real thing. I always had a favorite person and past two years in therapy it’s been my male nurse therapist. With me, the hsp, it’s almost always a male. It’s very disregulating because I feel negative emotions towards his own wife…
I totally understand... And this is a common dynamic in a FP relationship. You want the FP all to yourself and are jealous and resentful toward anyone or anything that can distract them from total closeness and merging.
This video is amazing. The most thorough and accurate description I’ve seen. Question, is there real love within the favorite person relationship? I understand intensity isn’t love, but some part of the experience and somewhere in there, is real love, right? I feel like I attach to people that have certain characteristics that I genuinely love and then they become my favorite person. So, the problem is just the dynamic of the relationship, not that the love is just a total illusion?
Thanks so much… From my experience I would say the feeling is intense love-but with complications. You love the person (or certain parts of the person) as embellished by your fantasies, hopes, needs, and expectations. There’s also that sense of “I love how much you made me feel loved and cherished in that moment, and I love the idea of how amazing it will be when we can merge even more, and I will finally be healed and complete.”
You can disagree with me, but I think yes, the feeling of love is real but you are loving the fantasy of certain things that you ended up imposing on a particular person and the role you are enticing them to play.
I’ve found that this becomes more apparent after the person is no longer a Favorite Person, and you look at them with clearer vision and see them as the ordinary human they are.
@@jennifermayph.d.2761 That makes so much sense. Thank you so much for your reply! That’s very helpful!
Thanku
You just gave me a whole new look at this. Ive been struggling because my partner's favorite person is an ex and there has been a lot of lying and cheating. That relationship is emotionally abusive for her because they just use her and send her home. But i understand that fee hours of feeling love was out of her control to deny. Plus a severe drug addiction on top. We're at the point wjere she accepts the bpd and the fp but doesn't understand it yet. I know she means it when she says she doesn't want them anymore, isn't going to lie any etc. I also know she can't maintain either statement. She's in jail right now so can't physically cheat but I know she's still contacts when she can't help herself. I've caught her a couple times even though she swore she didn't. And it's wearing on me because I've been more than understanding with the lying I even give a 24 hours to tell me the truth because I know lying a knee jerk reaction ehen cornered. But I was really at the end of my rope because it's been almost 3 years. And another year in jail before we can get treatment going because she can't have it there. It's always knew there was shame and guilt because she was cheating and lying to me but it never occurred to me that there would be shame and guilt for herself for feeling that way for him in the first place . You're right there's not enough information on this favorite person thing and I honestly realized it was something psychological before I even knew about the bpd. The relationship is too toxic to emotionally abusive and to degrading for her to accept it unless she couldn't help it for some reason. Every relationship has blown up because of this person and the drug addiction. I knew something was behind all this behavior and I paid attention long enough to figure it out. But I'm at the end of this now and I'm just trying to hang on so we can get her some treatment. It's just really hard because while she's in there I can't know what she's doing I can't know who she's writing or who she's calling she always tells me she's not until she gets caught again. I'm thinking it's unrealistic for me to expect that relationship to break until she gets out of jail and gets treatment. But do you have any advice on how to navigate this? And thank you so much for such a great video.
Sorry for the late reply. I'm sorry to hear that your partner (and of course you!) are struggling with this. I'm sure it's painful for both of you.
I think you're right that realistically, your partner may not change her patterns much in jail, especially if there is no treatment offered. Even if she gets out and seeks treatment, she may still have an uphill climb in terms of working on her issues.
I guess the best advice I can offer now is to take care of yourself the best you can. It is easy for you to soak up her emotions and spend a lot of energy worrying about what is going on. Make sure you can do some healthy detachment and give yourself some breaks, especially to do things that lower your stress level and bring you some meaning or fulfillment. Al Anon or therapy might help with your stress, if you are interested. But seeking support or doing some self-help strategies might be useful too.
Best of luck and happy holidays,
Dr. May
agree..this is so close to home,,almost identical /its my story
I just met my fp of 3 years for the first time last month. It was the best thing in the world but she lives across the country. It’s the best but most painful relationship I’ve ever been in.
That's the perfect description for a FP: "the best and most painful relationship."
I found out about this phenomena when I signed up with reddit BPD, it helped to break the spell along with being in my 40’s and recognising how many times it had happened in my life.
Glad to hear that gaining this insight was helpful. Sometimes knowledge really is power!
Pretty intense
I’m the FP. I am trying so hard to support my friend but he keeps on sabotaging our relationship. I’m taking a bit of a break from our relationship as it has slowly evolved into a love/hate one which triggers my own childhood traumas. I want to love him but he makes it so hard for me by not letting me into his world. He is in complete denial of his condition 😢
Sorry for the late reply. Your note goes to show how there is often suffering on both sides of a FP relationship.
I hope that you will able to find a way forward that will be workable for both of you.
I Truly Hope That You See This and Know How grateful I am for this Video. I return to it, not as often as Ive had to But when the disregulation becomes too intense I return So I can Again Be reminded how to put the breaks On.
I've come So far and Only had this experience with one individual after My Husband's death and I NEVER want to experience it again, So that is My biggest fear.
I guess I just wish I didnt have to deal with these residual feelings I just can't seem to get rid for this person.... Maybe One Day
Thank You Again So Very Much for Being A safe place Im Sure For So Many
Thanks so much for your note. I'm sorry to hear about your husband's passing and some of the FP struggles you've had. I'm glad this video has been helpful for you. I wish you the best of luck in your quest to manage your feelings toward that FP.
Best always,
Dr. May
Honestly this makes me feel more hopeless. Without a favourite person, I just don't have anyone else in my life.
same. when she said that we should try to focus on other people and other commitments, nothing came to mind for me. that's when the suicidal thoughts come creeping in...
but still, i don't think there is another way out. when something feels impossible, that's how you know you've got to change it
I have some this multiple times and only realized the pattern more recently. But this time it was my male best friend and we've been basically enmeshed together for the last 3.5 years. I am married but I fell in love with my friend and now that he's working a new job he has no time or need for me anymore and it's completely destroying me. I am trying to explain things to him so he can understand but I feel like I might just be scaring him away and I don't know what to do. I just want my regular friendship with him back like we used to have 😭
I'm sorry for the late reply...
And I know how painful it can be to have those intense feelings for someone and not have them reciprocated and feel a sense of disconnection or rejection.
I know it's been about a month, and I'm not sure the status of your relationship with your best friend.
I hope things are going a little better for you, perhaps feeling a little less intense.
This is so hard 🥲
I wish My BPD person was like you
At this point I'm just writing a very long comment less for the sake of commenting and more putting my thoughts somewhere, because I think it needs a place to go... Putting it someplace "private" feels like it defeats the purpose.
I think I struggle with this on a somewhat detached, restraining-myself manner... I tend to become very fond of a friend and want the best for them, give them all I can to support them even at the expense of myself, knowing full well that they don't consider me their "best friend" (or perhaps they do, but they're just more mentally healthy and probably don't view this level of attachment/yearning for mirroring as "best friend behavior) and doing so anyway because I want them to thrive, even if that means separation and deep hurt on my end. I think I have a pattern of this, though it's been lessening in its... sheer radioactivity. I suppose in some ways it's a combination of projection (I see similar experiences/manifestations of issues that I've struggled with before, and I want to see them rise above it so that I can feel like a part of me also rose above it) and an unsatisfied need for connection and a sense of belonging.
The only thing, I think, that's stopping my FP-like relationships from becoming truly toxic to the other persons (who are still dear friends to me) is the fact that I love and care for them too much to allow myself to become the radioactive element. I have been trying to respect myself more and understand my needs better so I can meet it in a healthy way, rather than feeling like I'm starving myself just so I don't consume other people. I really want to maintain these friendships. I love these people, they've helped me grow as a person. I just wish that I'm a better person than I currently am, so that I can stand alongside them without masking.
The primary reason I don't think my view of them is quite "splitting" is the fact that I understand them as a complex person who exists independently of me. When they do something that attacks that sense of "specialness" I think it hurts my feelings because I want to feel like I'm someone's closest person, but I also know that it's *important* for them to have lives outside of me, and for me to have a life outside of them. What they did isn't what's wrong, it's the fact that I felt hurt by them doing something utterly normal.
I'm still trying to find an affordable therapist who also has some trauma-specialization, since I am reasonably certain I have CPTSD (though at a far lesser severity after some other therapy work), but sometimes I can't tell if it's this or that or quiet BPD. That said, I do have a life outside of these "Favorite Friends", and I am deeply engaged with multiple hobbies, friend groups, and generally developing myself. My sense of identity is stable in that I don't need to be with any specific persons to know what I am, what I love and what I want to do with myself. I don't fear being abandoned; I fear that someone doesn't value me as much as I value them, because I want an equal relationship.
...I think I just may have severely unmet needs in terms of connection. Growing up I was the "stable problem-fixer", where even at the age of 7 I was explicitly told to comfort my mother, after being frozen in place watching her be verbally abused for what felt like hours. My upbringing was that of "I must suppress and mask my needs, because it will always come last, and nobody will ever ask how I'm doing. They will just praise me for having no needs. Problem-solve, regulate other people's emotions for them."
This knowledge also gives me hope that if I can practice accepting the fact that I have needs and accept when other people offer to fulfill or attempt to fulfill those needs with me, I can reduce the intensity of these shame-based feelings that dysregulate me so bad.
Well, onwards to watching the video on accepting/receiving, I suppose...
That‘s so true…………
I have something similar where I have an FP but I mask it to them (mostly). So eg if they cancel I'll freak out and spend the whole week feeling awful, but I'll text and say it's ok. I also feel great when we meet but awful the rest of the week. This is a learned behavior to avoid abandonment. But it's hard to see how to change it when the masking behavior isn't leading to any internal changes in my mindstate.
I used to do that too, looking cool and undisturbed on the outside but being anguished on the inside.
I had to get to a point where I finally was willing to give up the idea that getting close to this person was going to be the magic key to happiness that was going to solve everything. It took me years to get to that point but it was really about deciding to let go of the unrealistic expectations and make a different choice.
Is there a place where I can read all of this information? Or even just access to the slides? This video has been one of the most helpful I’ve watched (I’ve watched a lot!!). I would like to be able to print off the main points so I can keep it and remind myself when I start regressing and use it to help my FP understand me and hopefully be willing to maintain our friendship.
Hi Michelle, if you email me at jenjabmay77@gmail.com, I can send you the PowerPoint.
@@jennifermayph.d.2761 I’ve emailed you on this email address to see if you could also send me the power point please . It would be helpful to have the content in writing too . Hope that’s ok
Yes, no problem. I sent it to you earlier today.
I was the FP of my BPD ex girlfriend. Very dangerous as although 5 years on I'm aware she'll always have strong feelings towards me she wanted to be my side chick at the end just to keep me in her life! I'm glad that I got away!
I was having a crisis about my sexuality because I always identified as a lesbian and suddenly I felt I'm invested in a man, but I didn't feel sexual attraction. Now I know he's just a favorite person 🤡
Wow, interesting insight. It’s definitely true that the intensity of a FP relationship can feel intense like romantic attraction, but it may not be sexual at all.
Hi, this feels a lot like some of my relationships in life. I don't know if I have borderline, been diagnosed with autism for some year ago, but recently understood that this bpt existed, and also something called quiet bpt, and it feels a lot like me, also thinking about me from beginning seeking help for my problems with separation anxiety (not sure this is correctly in English), and the fact that I starting to realize one of my relationships that actually is a bit tricky and often makes me feel sad and so, is extremely similar to what you explain, even if it is hard to admit, makes me wonder if one can have difficulty with this kind of relationships without being bpt, or is it possible one could have been misdiagnosed somehow? Or if one can have both highly functioning autism and a quiet bpd the same time?
Hi Linnea,
You don't need to have BPD to have a favorite person-type relationship, although it is sometimes found with people who have BPD.
It is more important that you become clear about your own patterns and work on them the best you can than to find an exact "diagnosis" or label.
Either way, I hope you find some healing and peace within your relationships
Dr. May
I didn't know there was a favorite person I thought it was a ME thing
This is my sister 🥺
I feel so exposed! I am so embarrassing!
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Within the Favourite Person dynamic is the idea of imprinting on the Borderline by the FP. These FP relationships are not easily made and are very difficult for the Borderline to get over, especially if the relationship was romantic and intimate!
Just curious: What do you mean by "imprinting"?
@@jennifermayph.d.2761 The FP is so dominant in the life of the Borderline that he imprints his demeanor, personality and sexuality onto the Borderline. The Borderline now depends on this person for everything and they begin to believe that they can't live a life without them and therefore find it very difficult to get over them!
@@jennifermayph.d.2761 "It has been suggested that the first time you fall in love some form of 'imprinting' takes place. Imprinting refers to a rapid learning/mimicry process, only possible during a sensitive period, usually very early in life/relationships, in which newborns/young couples attach to members of their own species. They mold themselves around their partner akin to "merging" It speaks a lot to how they morph their super-ego/self-image around their partner and when they lose their partner, they don't know who they are anymore or have no sense of self because they're "whole world" aka their FP is no longer in the picture with which they obsess over 24/7. They've fully revolved around that person so much in order to "merge" that they don't have their own "life" anymore. Leading to strong feelings of "my life is over" after breakups. The FP can also deeply become entangled and fall head over heels in love because the BPD person has basically morphed into their DREAM WOMAN/MAN because the BPD person knows very much how to be very attractive to the opposite sex (the love bombing/honeymoon phase). They live off of love, affection, and attention and NEED IT as much or MORE than as a child needs their parents because they felt like they've been STARVED for it and are trying to fill that emptiness feeling in their hearts for love. This often leads to a rapid-fire succession of FPs (promiscuity) as they go through this intense cycle of "fragile rushed-bonding" with each successive partner until that partner fails to live up to their limitless love/attention DEMANDS. The "honeymoon/loving bombing" "rush-bonding" is a manipulation tactic to attract a partner and have them "fall in love" "make a soulmate connection" etc. They will often agree 100% with the prospective FP partner in order to get them to believe they're a PERFECT MATCH; "I've never met someone as wonderful as you before!". It is in this phase that the FP partner DOES ANYTHING FOR THEIR PARTNER and with which the BPD partner feels truly HAPPIEST.
However, over the course of the relationship LIFE HAPPENS which takes them both away from each other and those stresses in a normal relationship are MAGNIFIED in a BPD-FP relationship because it was rush-bonded/fragile to begin with and not real/fully truthfully earned/earned through conscious/unconscious enticement/ego-stroking manipulations of the FP by the BPG partner. For the BPD partner "LIFE" is the relationship. They have a very obsessive focus on their partner and the relationship as a whole and practically neglect all other aspects surrounding them, chores, work, career, pets, personal fitness, healthy alone time, other friends and family. Nothing matters more than the relationship at that moment thus why they "literally lose themselves" and their identity to it. They've crafted a simulacrum or unsatisfactory imitation or substitute for a real bond and it is filmsy and not backed up by true connections. They don't really care about their partners desires, wants, needs, feelings because they are almost exclusively and overwhelmingly focused on their OWN. This creates a very one sided relationship dynamic that is very unbalanced and unhealthy for BOTH partners. The BPD partner knows they don't have real connection to their partner and know it is FAKE/RUSE...they are just someone they desperately IDEALIZE as a PERFECT PARTNER POTENTIAL but don't actually have any deep connection to their heart. They do not have deep intimate connections. There is no staying up late at night to share feelings/fears/interests. They don't have the attention span/interest/care to REALLY listen to the FPs needs/wants/desires/fears/etc. Things get very rocky once the FP partner starts to see how unfulfilling the relationship is becoming, how controlling and self-centered their partner is becoming. The FP partner will think the BPD partner is a narcissist, thinking that they were pretty normal but its all about using the FP partner for their own needs. NPD, BPD, Bipolar can be difficult to differentiate for an unaware FP partner. Often the FP partner is someone unfamiliar with NPD,BPD, Bi-polar, the FP thinks BPG partners are NORMAL PEOPLE and just insecure/have anger jealousy issues (were cheated on or are projecting; cheating on FP and feeling guilty etc.) and don't have true mental health issues; gives them the benifit of the doubt etc. that they have more common faults...).
Once the FP partner starts to question/criticize their BPD partner that is when the BPD partner's shocking temper and fury begins. It is SHOCKING and STUNNING to witness BPD spontaneous outbursts/verbal attacks. It is so 100% full power so fast that the FP is scared/fearful of what is lurking inside this BPD person. I can be total 100% MADDNESS. Leaving the FP partner stunned and unable to response for hours and disturbing them for days/months. They are unforgettable moments to the FP partner and a pattern of these will develop that eventually will be too many for them to dismiss any longer to miscommunication or stressful/depression days etc. If these topics are brought up you unleash the fury again nearly 100% every time. They often will apologize for the fury or don't and that is a very pathetic band aide that you eventually come to see as a attempt to mitigate their outbursts but know that they're not fully ever in control of their outbursts. They will happen again and again. The FP will grow exhausted from "avoiding walking on eggshells (see the book!)" around their partner as they cannot have a heart-to-heart with this person EVER. When you bring up your own needs you will be labled as SELFISH and they WILL GASLIGHT YOU and make you question your own memories of past anger outburst occasions in such a way as if you're totally misremembering them. According to the BPD-partner those outbursts literally DID NOT HAPPEN. Know that it is very likely that know matter how much you PROVE YOUR LOVE/LOYALTY/FIDELITY/FAITHFULLNESS/AFECTIOn you WILL NEVER HAVE THE FULL TRUST of the BPD partner. They literally can't believe or have faith in you because they KNOW they have you FOOLED into liking them and they are terrorized about the thought of you eventually FIGURING THEM OUT. The more PEFECT PARTNER and idealized you are to a BPD-person the more they anxious and untrustworthy they are of you. They see you as super high value and thus are very suspicious of your loyalty because they believe you can have anyone better than them but their self-esteem is such that they are very insecure people especially around a very high-self esteemed/secure successful/strong person which is who they gravitate towards. They will have "INSANE LEVLES OF JEALOUSY AND INDIDELITY ACCUSATIONS". Stray hairs will be an affair occurring in their own home. Seeing attractive women in public disgraces them and they will get emotional revenge on you for making them feel insecure and worthless. They believe you are proving their jealousy and your unfaithfulness by seeing other women. You can get accused of "having something going on between you two" for your friend's wife or the BPD-partner's own sister!
@@jennifermayph.d.2761altering the wiring of one’s brain through first experience in intense emotions
story of my life.....
also what can we do when our FP becomes manipulative and abusive
Have you ever made a video about secure love, dr jen? Id be interested in your take - especially if youre a person with a history of strong insecurity, i wonder how you see things now?
I have a video on secure attachment as well as some videos in the “interpersonal effectiveness extras” playlist that talk about healthy ways of relating. Maybe that would help?
@@jennifermayph.d.2761 I think I meant your own personal experience of moving from less secure to more secure. Theory can be dry and lacks personal examples and what those struggles can really look like. The theory is obviously very helpful, but the experience of moving from "favorite person" to "I'm ok, you're ok" I imagine can be complex and doesn't happen overnight. There is a lot of learning and un-learning that needs to happen.
I feel bad for my favorite person now.\
Jennifer, what causes this need for a favorite person? I mean, what leads a human to develope this tendency? Are there any common characteristics among those of us who do this?
Hi Beth,
My best guess is that it relates to earlier attachment experiences that developed when we were very young babies and children interacting with our caregivers. Those early patterns can set us up for later relationship patterns that we repeat unconsciously.
If you want to learn more about this, you can check out my attachment videos (anxious-ambivalent attachment is the closest thing to a FP attachment) and developmental trauma styles videos.
Dr. May
Do NPD's or the covert/vulnerable narcissists use the "Favorite Person" too? Any other Cluster B's use this concept?
I don’t know if there’s any research or data on this specific question. In my experience, people with borderline and/or dependent features are more likely to seek a FP. They are more comfortable in a childlike vulnerable role seeking a rescuer/savior. Narcissistic and Antisocial people might become possessive and controlling, clinging to dominate and possess. They are less likely to be in a one-down needy position, which is what you’ll typically see with someone seeking a FP.
Ok this is sounds like a cross between limerence and enmeshment. The stage of development where a child learn by proximity rather than words get traumatized and reiterated as personality.
Yes! Very similar. You make some good observations. 👍🏻😊
@@jennifermayph.d.2761wow thanks. You might enjoy my book that is coming out next year called Disrupted Psychology. It addresses the adapted responses across childhood and the ego attempts to take over through the limbic brain. I would love to have your opinions if you are interested.
My therapist is my favorite person . I know this isn’t a healthy attachment but it just feels so good (when not miserable because of it ). d Do healthy attachments ever feel as good ? I’m afraid to let go of this bc nothing else ever felt this good ,to be honest .
I know exactly what you mean. In the past, I made a few different therapists into FPs, and at certain times, it felt embarrassingly good. However, to be fair, those good times alternated with other times when I struggled because of the pain of my feelings not being returned, the unequal nature of the relationship, the shame of recruiting that person to meet my needs and agenda, and moments of misattunement that felt excruciating.
Healthier attachments may not always have the same intensity as a FP-type attachment, but they're much "cleaner." They make sense for the relationship, they're more balanced, expectations are reasonable, you're not wrapping someone up in your fantasy but rather seeing them in their humanness for who they are.
It's almost like someone saying, "How can I give up drugs? Nothing feels as good as the high I get." You may not get the same rush from healthy coping skills, but in the end, they are a much better way of living.
I hope that kind of answers your question.
It does , and thank you so much for answering .
Could this be a reason why a borderline cannot remain still in my experience with my ex gf she always had to be doing something she couldn’t even sit down and watch a movie , was she feeling that happiness leaving and was her anxiety kicking in ?
I’m not sure if this ties into the Favorite Person dynamic. But some people (regardless of their diagnosis) are restless for a variety of reasons. Some examples:
They could have ADHD. They could be scared of intimacy and fearful of getting close to someone and the restlessness creates some boundaries and distance. They could be scared of their own painful thoughts and feelings which might crop up when they sit still and are alone with their own mind.
Is there anyway to help someone to see this? I did not want to step away from a girl friend relationship but I just could not take the manipulation. I now see that I was the "favorite person". 6 months ago I stepped back (realizing I was codependent and needed help) my friend (not diagnosed with BPD but has all the s/s from what I have read) told me it was like a divorse.. this scared me because I never looked at our relationship as being a marriage. With this youtube, I understand better. Right now I am no contact...just wish I could have helped.
That's a great question, and a tricky one. If you have a reasonable rapport with the person and think she might be open to learning about dependent or FP relationships, you can share some information about it with that person and see how she responds.
Best case scenario: she seems receptive and says she recognizes herself doing the FP pattern. Developing insight and intellectual understanding can be an important first step, even though it still would take a lot of work to change her behavior.
Other scenarios: She might get angry and defensive. Or she might engage a "don't hurt me" response to get you to take it back and repair the rupture.
But even if she rejects it on the spot, you might have planted a seed: she could still think about the information and start to integrate it at some point down the road.
Sometimes, as in your case, creating boundaries or separating from the person is the healthiest thing you can do for yourself.
@@jennifermayph.d.2761 this is helpful information. Planting a seed is a good thought. I am concerned I have missed the opportunity with going no contact but will see what the future holds. It is hard to watch someone struggle so and not be able to fix it...yes my issue.
This conversation hit. I'm in the same situation. I can still repair the relationship if I want, but she wants me to acknowledge I have hurt her and say I am sorry.....for not responding to her 2 texts and 1 call for 2 days. I love her but I'm not willing to fall back into codependent or a manipulative friendship again. So for now I need to take a step back and let her come to terms with what she has going on. If she is still open to repair at that point, I'll be here.
Do I have to leave the relationship with my current FP to heal ? ( It’s literally a rollercoaster and he has an avoidant attachment style)
It’s really up to you… if you stay you really need to make an effort to relate to the person (in real life and in your mind) with more healthy detachment and less intensity. It might help to get some outside support in this process.
I wonder if people destroy love by intellectualizing about love.
I was thinking about your comment.... I feel that love is a universal force that cannot be destroyed. However, we can block our access to it as a result of our fears and defenses (including intellectualization). We have to remove our blockages to love and be open to the vulnerable experience of giving and receiving it.
she started all this shit and i wish i had never met her , its a horrible story of 2 broken people trying to get something from the other they dont have, its all just horrible she a BPD and all sorts of other stuff me CPTSD i begged her to block me and she wouldnt so i called her something thats true but she sure didnt like it to get her to block me 107 days NC and i am a mess i been crying for 18 months around this stuff. still crying.
Alright this is exactly the way I used to feel with someone. Is this in any way similar to Limerence or related to it?
Yeah, it actually is kind of similar. Good observation! :-)
how do I become my favorite person ?
That's a great question. I think we're all on that quest in one way or another. There's not an easy answer and a few sentences isn't going to cut it. But I guess a few things that come to mind are to do your best to listen to and validate yourself, all the different parts of yourself. Treat yourself as kindly as you would treat a good friend. Don't lower yourself or sacrifice yourself for the sake of keeping a relationship. Tune into your body and your emotions. Listen to your needs and try to meet them in a healthy way. Identify what is important to you, your values, and do your best to align your actions with them. Try to do your best and forgive yourself when you can't.
Dear Jennifer, you spoke from the pwBPD position. Whatever the phase, idealisation, devaluation, the pwBPD cheats on the FP, abuses the FP, lies to the FP, manipulates the FP. And you speak about multual trust? Mutual "love"?
It sounds like you have had some rough relationship experiences, and I’m very sorry about that if that is the case.
I’m wondering if the person (or people) you struggled with could better be explained by narcissistic abuse (e.g., someone who controls through love bombing, antagonism, isolation, devaluation, etc.).
If you look up narcissistic abuse on CZcams (Ramani Durvasala is particularly excellent), maybe that will help.
And while FP and narcissistic abuse are not characterized by mutual trust and love, that is certainly what you would strive for in the future (with the right person) if you are trying to improve your relationship patterns.
@@jennifermayph.d.2761 Dear Jennifer, my wife has borderline disorder. I tried to help her as much as possible. She has 3 children that she let to her ex-man just because she needed her freedom (being addicted to sex, alochol, xanax, binge, spending money that she doesn't has, suicide threats ( as a pattern of threats as a method of manipulation or abuse), on/off relation, false accusation against me to the police although she was the one who has been violent against me. I was fully in love with her, but believe me please, seeing my wife drunk, every days at least during the holidays or as soon as she wasn't "busy" it makes a huge pressure on me. To discover her nacked with a guy nacked in the flat, lying to me saying that didn't have sex and they only wanted to be sweet to each other, it is really ridiculous. And the relation followed this direction during 8 years. I am only a "way" a "supply" and nothing else. I have now a CPTSD and terrified. I feel a little bit shocked when you are mentioning that I follow a pattern. I don't have the feeling I followed a pattern. I have been naive in believing this woman who mentioned that her previous man was a narcissist and that she didn't have the luck to be with someone not sick. During the love bombing with me, she cheated a lot and I discovered this on my own. Already 2 weeks after our wedding. She continued this again and again. I trusted each of her promesses that she didn't respected any of them. I started to have no power any more psychically progressively. Because, even if you try year after year to help her and giving a chance to the wedding, you get simply exhausted. And psychically destroyed.
Abour your sentence: "It sounds like you have had some rough relationship experiences, and I’m very sorry about that if that is the case." I feel surprised that you are insinuating that the result of this relation follows a pattern. It was my first borderline partner... And I trust her from the beginning. She succeeded to manipulate me from the beginning. She succeeded to give me her debts to take over. I took them over in order to save the poor borderline woman. Now, since 5 months, she left the home and lives with a guy she succeded to bond with trauma certainly in a sauna.
My wife is Borderline, but also present Narcissic, Histrionic and antisocial traits. She goes to the sauna and need to be sexually provocative. She is then for the "others" a "cool" woman. Bus as soon as the door of the flat is closed, she switch to a borderline / Narcisstic pattern. Showing addiction to self harming, devaluating me, alcohol and xanax mixing addiction. Cutting her veines, insulting me, manipulating me, showing no real feeling to me. Antisocial, she is trying right now to destroy my life up to the point you can't imagine.
BEING SOMEONE'S FAVORITE PERSON IS SUFFOCATING.
Being a Borderlines Favourite person is worse!
Generally it seems to me it would be unhealthy to have a therapist that is your favorite person and you are better off finding a therapist you don’t attach to that way? Would you generally agree with that?
Yes! It definitely complicates the therapeutic relationship and makes it harder to work on other issues.
If possible, both therapist and client should commit to making the relationship have a cooperative, collaborative, teamwork feel rather than one of extreme neediness, enmeshment, obsessiveness, and dependency.
Thank you so much Dr May! That’s very helpful!
Listing credentials is super important when giving advice & stating your PHD. There are many fakes on CZcams...would you mind showing your diploma? If not, no one should be listening to any advice, unless you can prove you are a doctor.
I am not a fake. My NYS license number is 016143. You are welcome to look me up.
I suggest listening to someone who also has the diagnosis. Not just doctors.
I can't live without her, I may kill myself, how can I tell her I can't imagine a world without her.
I think it’s up to you to work through your own strong feelings. If she stays with you, it needs to be her choice. Making her feel “manipulated” into staying might temporarily feel better than her not being around at all. But in the long run it will always feel better to have someone in your life who chooses to be there.