17:09 huh, I'm watching this as a 17 year old and resonating with the 'feeling imprisoned for the crime of being me' + having 'dysphoria' in regards to capabilities/intellect, I think it's quite well put. Wish me luck
i liked how you mention like you felt "dysphoric" ( 11:48 ) , I'm also cis but i've questioned a lot of things and explored some communities so i'm familiar with that terminology and at least to me it feels resonant. also relating to some trans experiences, the part where you said "it's like drag, you experiment and see what feels right" ( 19:50 )wow, i'd never heard that before and it sounds so right, or if i'd heard it it was from another one of your videos but it kinda hit more now. music and trying out those feelings but expressed with people with talent for it certainly helps me, sitting with those feelings and letting them sink in, hurts but feels part of the process. it's a weird resonance though, that thing about feeling like "i was living a life that wasn't real". because i feel like when i was at my lowest (not sure if it's clinical depression but it was a very bad state of mind. suicide was never an realistic option but it was a period of time when the consideration was there, and i was very tired of life. i'm not fully out yet because my circumstance is basically the same, but i'm better mentally and moodwise), i actually felt like shit was getting real, like now i was stuck for real. previously i had breezed through life with ups and downs and shit had worked out, i'd never really put extra high effort in anything and i had gotten where i wanted to get, not to the extent of my highest expectations but i'd gotten there, but i also hadn't really lived anything, looking back shit feels like 3rd person view, it's like yeah i was there, but i really wasn't. and then when shit hit the fan (basically like what happened to you at 17 classes-wise, i had to take like 8 out of 10 subjects again, basically redo a whole year) that collapse of meaning happened, but instead of from that point on feeling fake, it's when stakes started to feel real. i had had small failures before, and some "non-attempts" that technically didn't count as failures, but nothing like that, nothing that made me feel like i WAS the failure, and that experience kind of made me realize how little i had thought about shit in general, about purpose, about what i was telling myself and about what i was being told (well, or what i was receiving). I think my feelings at that point i mentioned before align more with what you were talking about at around 47:00 about depression (well i call it my "very low points" as it's undiagnosed but i get you) as those being like a fever, of something telling me shit wasn't ok. i had been feeling more clueless and shit was starting to dawn on me, but it feels like i "needed" that lowest of lows to realize that shit was wrong. it feels like if i hadn't been hit that way at that time, then it maybe would've been at my first job like it happened to you so in a way i'm kinda "glad" it happened at uni (cause my parents are paying for it. also it's not hella expensive here like in the states so i don't feel that bad about that) so that when i eventually get to a low point when i (if i? lmao) get a job and have bills to pay and have to do taxes and find when i bought and sold bitcoin and shit and do annoying paperwork i at least have had that previous shitty experience and i'm more functional and able to sustain myself and not incur in too much financial trouble. i don't know. i just hope that i can get to a similar mental place to the one you're in rn, from what i gather it seems like right now you could mentally go to any place in your past and you're understanding of "what went wrong"; like you could go back to your past working with ur old boss self and tell him "yo chill bro, i understand how you feel and it's because there's this pressure you feel but the results you're getting don't warrant that feeling, you're good" or go back to your school self and tell him "yo G keep it cool and do your side things and your writing that's dope, also music" or something, meanwhile i'm just like "fuck, what in the hell would i tell my selves". I can see what opportunities I missed and shit like that but I can't see like, those cornerstones that i think you could hypothetically give your past self. like, it seems like i'm way less at peace than you are, i feel like saying to myself "dude why'd you quit guitar, maybe you should've stayed with that shit and had some balls to confront your guitar teacher, have some soul, have some taste" but i kinda feel like saying "yo it was good that you started guitar in the first place, now i'm not starting at 0 and i can jam a bit and connect with music that extra step" because i recognize that i hadn't "cultivated my taste" as much as i have now, as you say. and that's kind of the example i can at least point a good thing, with stuff like "yo you failed 8 subjects bro... idk what was up with that. you just were unmotivated as hell with school and the way it's taught and unhappy with yourself for not being able to apply yourself and fuckin put in the little hours you had to considering you're "smart", glad you stayed i guess." but i can't really tell my old self to latch onto anything.
hi visa, first of all, thank you for sharing your experiences here. I agree that sadness can make life more full. some striking imagery with the bathtub and the ocean! -rdgh
I've had two internal causes of depression in my life. The first was lapse of meaning like you mention here. The second was when I got into a situation where I believed I couldn't allow myself to be happy.
Hey Matt - oooh yeah I feel that too. I think at some level it felt like it would've been selfish of me to be happy, considering all of the pain and hurt I had caused. And I'm not sure if there would've been any shortcut out of that, apart from slowly working through it bit by bit, day by day.
Oh man I’ve so many thoughts about this. But I only want to leave two concepts here, 1. Samskar => it’s a Sanskrit word that roughly translates to a ball of undigested emotions. And these undigested emotions then kinda leak out in your interactions. Like, if you had some kind of traumatic experience and you haven’t dealt with that trauma, it’ll kinda manifest itself in weird ways and areas. 2. Re: depression, I think a lot of people don’t have a clinical depression per se, rather a shit-life syndrome. I.e. either their circumstances are shitty or that they don’t know how to deal with their problems. So they just want all their problems to go away. Depression is like anger turn towards oneself!
@42:24 I can relate so well to feeling like you're falling behind. Actually I'm at the "past you" stage of life right now, work-wise at least. It's weird because it's a highly competitive commercial venture and they would absolutely stop paying me if I was truly not doing well enough, but I manage to consistently disappoint myself. I'm curious - and I hope this isn't too intrusive or rude - your past career in your early 20s started as a result of blog posts you wrote. What do you wish for or expect to come about as a result of this channel? It feels like you're putting in a crazy amount of effort relative the current level success, as measured by typical metrics like views.
Hey J R! Re: expectations, I don't really have a specific outcome that I'm hankering for. I expect to get better at making videos, mostly. I trust that the views will start to as more and more people appreciate the amount of effort I put in - but even if they don't, I'm having a good time making them. 🤓 Visa
I feel like there’s a high correlation between high iq and depression and anxiety. I feel like people with high iq can run lot of simulations in their head. And if you look at what is anxiety, it’s basically [I/Me] + [Future] + [Specific Content based on your past experience]
Hi Visa. Wanna say that your video(title) creates what to me feels like a false impression. Here you talking about your personal life and history, your experience with depressing feelings. While your offhand comments and social media adverts frame this (vid and whole channel) as a place that facilities (personal) learning and understanding. Here is nothing that could help me conceptualize or just better understand this condition, it's just bunch of your personal history. If nothing else - you could hide this from your depression playlist, or change a name to better represent content.
17:09 huh, I'm watching this as a 17 year old and resonating with the 'feeling imprisoned for the crime of being me' + having 'dysphoria' in regards to capabilities/intellect, I think it's quite well put. Wish me luck
Good luck! ❤🔥💪🏾
i liked how you mention like you felt "dysphoric" ( 11:48 ) , I'm also cis but i've questioned a lot of things and explored some communities so i'm familiar with that terminology and at least to me it feels resonant. also relating to some trans experiences, the part where you said "it's like drag, you experiment and see what feels right" ( 19:50 )wow, i'd never heard that before and it sounds so right, or if i'd heard it it was from another one of your videos but it kinda hit more now. music and trying out those feelings but expressed with people with talent for it certainly helps me, sitting with those feelings and letting them sink in, hurts but feels part of the process.
it's a weird resonance though, that thing about feeling like "i was living a life that wasn't real". because i feel like when i was at my lowest (not sure if it's clinical depression but it was a very bad state of mind. suicide was never an realistic option but it was a period of time when the consideration was there, and i was very tired of life. i'm not fully out yet because my circumstance is basically the same, but i'm better mentally and moodwise), i actually felt like shit was getting real, like now i was stuck for real. previously i had breezed through life with ups and downs and shit had worked out, i'd never really put extra high effort in anything and i had gotten where i wanted to get, not to the extent of my highest expectations but i'd gotten there, but i also hadn't really lived anything, looking back shit feels like 3rd person view, it's like yeah i was there, but i really wasn't. and then when shit hit the fan (basically like what happened to you at 17 classes-wise, i had to take like 8 out of 10 subjects again, basically redo a whole year) that collapse of meaning happened, but instead of from that point on feeling fake, it's when stakes started to feel real. i had had small failures before, and some "non-attempts" that technically didn't count as failures, but nothing like that, nothing that made me feel like i WAS the failure, and that experience kind of made me realize how little i had thought about shit in general, about purpose, about what i was telling myself and about what i was being told (well, or what i was receiving).
I think my feelings at that point i mentioned before align more with what you were talking about at around 47:00 about depression (well i call it my "very low points" as it's undiagnosed but i get you) as those being like a fever, of something telling me shit wasn't ok. i had been feeling more clueless and shit was starting to dawn on me, but it feels like i "needed" that lowest of lows to realize that shit was wrong. it feels like if i hadn't been hit that way at that time, then it maybe would've been at my first job like it happened to you so in a way i'm kinda "glad" it happened at uni (cause my parents are paying for it. also it's not hella expensive here like in the states so i don't feel that bad about that) so that when i eventually get to a low point when i (if i? lmao) get a job and have bills to pay and have to do taxes and find when i bought and sold bitcoin and shit and do annoying paperwork i at least have had that previous shitty experience and i'm more functional and able to sustain myself and not incur in too much financial trouble.
i don't know. i just hope that i can get to a similar mental place to the one you're in rn, from what i gather it seems like right now you could mentally go to any place in your past and you're understanding of "what went wrong"; like you could go back to your past working with ur old boss self and tell him "yo chill bro, i understand how you feel and it's because there's this pressure you feel but the results you're getting don't warrant that feeling, you're good" or go back to your school self and tell him "yo G keep it cool and do your side things and your writing that's dope, also music" or something, meanwhile i'm just like "fuck, what in the hell would i tell my selves". I can see what opportunities I missed and shit like that but I can't see like, those cornerstones that i think you could hypothetically give your past self. like, it seems like i'm way less at peace than you are, i feel like saying to myself "dude why'd you quit guitar, maybe you should've stayed with that shit and had some balls to confront your guitar teacher, have some soul, have some taste" but i kinda feel like saying "yo it was good that you started guitar in the first place, now i'm not starting at 0 and i can jam a bit and connect with music that extra step" because i recognize that i hadn't "cultivated my taste" as much as i have now, as you say. and that's kind of the example i can at least point a good thing, with stuff like "yo you failed 8 subjects bro... idk what was up with that. you just were unmotivated as hell with school and the way it's taught and unhappy with yourself for not being able to apply yourself and fuckin put in the little hours you had to considering you're "smart", glad you stayed i guess." but i can't really tell my old self to latch onto anything.
hi visa,
first of all, thank you for sharing your experiences here.
I agree that sadness can make life more full.
some striking imagery with the bathtub and the ocean!
-rdgh
I've had two internal causes of depression in my life.
The first was lapse of meaning like you mention here.
The second was when I got into a situation where I believed I couldn't allow myself to be happy.
Hey Matt - oooh yeah I feel that too. I think at some level it felt like it would've been selfish of me to be happy, considering all of the pain and hurt I had caused. And I'm not sure if there would've been any shortcut out of that, apart from slowly working through it bit by bit, day by day.
matt, did you have multiple episodes from either cause, or just two episodes like visa? how did you eventually resolve the second cause?
Oh man I’ve so many thoughts about this. But I only want to leave two concepts here,
1. Samskar => it’s a Sanskrit word that roughly translates to a ball of undigested emotions. And these undigested emotions then kinda leak out in your interactions. Like, if you had some kind of traumatic experience and you haven’t dealt with that trauma, it’ll kinda manifest itself in weird ways and areas.
2. Re: depression, I think a lot of people don’t have a clinical depression per se, rather a shit-life syndrome. I.e. either their circumstances are shitty or that they don’t know how to deal with their problems. So they just want all their problems to go away. Depression is like anger turn towards oneself!
Dr K (healthygamer gg) talks about these a bunch
Thank You for making this video❤️
Cheers Ankit! Hope it was helpful
@42:24 I can relate so well to feeling like you're falling behind. Actually I'm at the "past you" stage of life right now, work-wise at least. It's weird because it's a highly competitive commercial venture and they would absolutely stop paying me if I was truly not doing well enough, but I manage to consistently disappoint myself.
I'm curious - and I hope this isn't too intrusive or rude - your past career in your early 20s started as a result of blog posts you wrote. What do you wish for or expect to come about as a result of this channel? It feels like you're putting in a crazy amount of effort relative the current level success, as measured by typical metrics like views.
it seems to me that visa has a lot of privilege and slack in his life. it's interesting to see what he is doing with it.
Hey J R! Re: expectations, I don't really have a specific outcome that I'm hankering for. I expect to get better at making videos, mostly. I trust that the views will start to as more and more people appreciate the amount of effort I put in - but even if they don't, I'm having a good time making them. 🤓
Visa
I feel like there’s a high correlation between high iq and depression and anxiety. I feel like people with high iq can run lot of simulations in their head. And if you look at what is anxiety, it’s basically [I/Me] + [Future] + [Specific Content based on your past experience]
Your wife is very cool. Ask her if she ever had depression and how she copes with it.
She is! And she has. Maybe I'll persuade her to get on a video with me sometime. 🤓
Hi Visa. Wanna say that your video(title) creates what to me feels like a false impression. Here you talking about your personal life and history, your experience with depressing feelings. While your offhand comments and social media adverts frame this (vid and whole channel) as a place that facilities (personal) learning and understanding. Here is nothing that could help me conceptualize or just better understand this condition, it's just bunch of your personal history.
If nothing else - you could hide this from your depression playlist, or change a name to better represent content.
Sir Morr let’s talk about it. how do you currently understand depression?