OMG! This is so me... I'm going to listen to this again. Been listening/watching your videos for a while. Thank you for what you are doing for so many others. Please keep it up.
People can sniff out that you don’t belong too. I was always left out by friends, never in the centre, having to work harder to fit in. Honestly, I’ve met fellow ‘weirdos’ and feel most at home with them.
i hear you, but hear me out they can also sense when you wont put with unreasonable bs or being piled on in an unkind way. Thats also true. Being too at home with the "weirdos" is also a sign of sometimes latent shame or envy and keeps one behind and less joyful as a person. Only saying this coz Ive been there and changed a bit since. Not to say snooty,exclusive cliques or dysfunctional group dynamics dont exist-just stay away from those omg but otherwise theres many kinds of folks out there Cheers. :)
I told my partner it's almost like the animal kingsom,people sense you're weakness etc and attacks I can't even work because it happens there and I've had supervisors in front of everyone say oh be carefull we don't want her to go all woohoo. 😢yet,guess who most of the coworkers came to for most everything? Ugh
I was just having a conversation with someone earlier about CPTSD, and how it really is like carrying a heavy backpack full of toxic memories where you are constantly revisited and haunted by old ghosts. It’s a silent battle where there is a deep longing for peace within our lives.
What's funny is the people who tell you it happened years ago get over it but you don't get over it's just there affecting you like it happened yesterday I hate it so bad
Yes! And then even sleep doesn't offer respite. I have such disturbing dreams about my parents and old friends who aren't even in my life. It's relentless.
The older you get the more difficult it gets. Social groups are already set, neighbors are already in a clique. Then, you lose people and acquaintances to death.
Attempting to mend old bridges to former friends seems impossible. It's depressing to feel like a stranger and total outsider among the people I once knew. I've changed and made myself a better person, but even 20 years later no one is interested in my apologizes. My only hope of having friends is to make new friends.
@@elminero49 same, it's frustrating as well as dealing with friends that have their own families they're growing and don't want to deal with old wounds.
i don’t know why i only like being around people that are either not my race, children, or animals. my family went to a church 40 min away. there were 300ish jr high and highschool kids. i was friends with none of them. i spent a lot of time wandering around after waiting for my parents to get out of some kind of bible study. i started playing piano in the basement or played games on my calculator. i went to a wednesday small group and felt on the outside. at college i felt on the outside. i often left my friends to be alone. the only person i always liked being around was my wife. she left me because i was too depressed after losing my job. she stayed home and made mom friends. i wasn’t friends with their husbands. so now i have zero friends. males that are unmarried don’t want to be around males. males that are married don’t get outside their families. only women will hang out with me. platonically or not. i’m cautious because i am nice and usually not romantically interested in women. ive had bad experiences with that. i also disliked people in sports, but my dad was a sports coach. all my hs friends were band and choir kids. as people get older (im 40) they stop playing music. at least when they have little kids. i was a music major. i play guitar, piano, cello, and violin. being middle aged has perks, but can suck for divorced males.
It's the getting ppl to be kind - genuinely kind, not just the superficial foam that says 'look at me, as kind as kind can be - that's the difficulty, in my experience.
In groups I always feel as though I'm observing, but never part of them. I've gotten to the stage where my social skills are ok and I can put on a good act, but it feels as though I'm not the real me, and I always leave feeling uncomfortable: did I talk too much? Did I offend x when I said y? Someone might irritate me to the point it ruins everything. Sometimes I think I've made a friend and it never quite happens. All of this adds up to make it 'not fun' so I tend to avoid groups.
Yep. I'm similar, except these days at age 45 I don't care about how I appeared or what I said afterwards. My problem is I've been putting on a facade since childhood so I REALLY have great difficulty dropping it. I don't know how to, even if I want to. I actually don't know if I even HAVE an "authentic self".
@@ladybaabaa3294 I've done a lot of journaling and goal setting this past year to try and figure out my authentic self. I've been a people pleaser my whole life and don't even know what an interaction with others should be like. I've come to the conclusion that *my people" are rare.
I have tried and tried, but never succeed in quite making the grade with groups. I did not have a “ home town” because my dad was in the Air Force and we moved several times during my childhood. If you do not become part of a core group early on in life, you find yourself forever on the fringes. I guess. It’s the only tangible explanation I could come up with. I never belong.
~Yes, same age, same experience, only now added in is, i get sick from vaxx shedding, so im adapting to isolation even more~Its nice in many ways, and drama free~
People of faith with CPTSD face an additional challenge. Biblically, we need to fellowship with others, and I understand the spiritual directive for this, but for me, it is disregulating. It takes several days to recover from group involvement because I spend so much time analyzing what I said, how it was received, whether or not I could have said it better, what others said, how I received it, and so on and so on….Exhausting. Simply leaving this comment has taken a ridiculously long time. Thanks for your videos. They have been helpful to me.
Lots of churches have an online component now. You can join a live stream service and be in fellowship, without having to be in the same physical place with others.
~I found what you described as being a factor in me leaving the church~There were other things, too, but all of the uncomfortable social dynamics seemed to pull me away from my relationship with God~I feel it has improved just being on my own~Do you know what i mean?~
Not a religious person, but I think I understand. I could barely handle one-on-one therapy. The idea of group therapy (which was often offered or suggested) seemed like a nightmare .
I can relate. I like going to church, but forced fellowship is completely disregulating to me. Currently I attend a small Bible-believing church, but many of the members were friends and family for years, and after three years there I don't have one close friend. My husband can't understand why I leave to go to the car as soon as church service ends. It's because the people are all right, but I don't know them very well and we have no opportunity to get to work on things together. It's frustrating.
@@kathyingram3061 I know EXACTLY what you mean. I'm a Christian with genuine desire to love Christ, but have not attended church service for 5+ years...and I do not miss the "entertainment" that church has become. Yes, I know what scripture says about fellowship...but I have been reading my Bible everyday and listening to solid Bible teachers and actually growing in my faith. I know, it's frustrating.
I hate groups. I prefer 1 on 1 situation with someone I am comfortable with. Went to a group event with friends. I felt so uncomfortable I went and sat in the car until it was time to leave
I just did 4 months in self-imposed isolation. I literally spoke to no one (hello to cashiers don't count) because in my town most people go into hibernation in the winter. It was extremely difficult to reach out to my doctor & say I needed help, but I did. Two weeks later, I've got a counselor, a psychiatrist and am working hard to pull myself out of depression & anxiety. At 68, it's hard to reconnect with friends or acquaintances... especially because of my childhood trauma. Everyone is so busy, hustling to just make ends meet while I have tons of time, but steer clear of groups. I'm not giving up thanks in part to Anna's videos. Thank you! ❤
Dear One I am 68yrs old and every trauma I experienced from the womb to now is staring me in the face...I was in some kind of a dream until now and it's time to wake up.When I drown in self pity and who is there for ME I realise a higher power an inner knowing has always saved me..I should be dead but for this inner strength that helps me to stay alive and make the most of the life I have been dealt.Focusing inward and invoking that inner voice has given me confidence and peace.You can and will come out of this..Blessings❤
Are we speaking of real or imagined disconnection? Because most of the, "We should grab a coffee sometime..." stuff I get is disingenuous. Or better yet I was asked to take someone ice fishing, arrange a day only to have the person cancel. I tell people who express concerns about me going out in the bush alone, "If I waited for someone to do things with I wouldn't do anything ever. " ADHD and Autism plus CPTSD, my counselor says is the perfect storm. I never have real understood humans, the dishonesty and ego baffle me.
I find I get bored of small talk, and I just can't be bothered to talk and look at my phone for time so I can go home. I just don't enjoy a lot of people's company.
They say that, “you are the sum of your five closest friends” … but if you don’t have any close friends because you always feel like an outsider, what do you do? I always wonder what normal feels like .. the disconnect and isolation sucks! 😔
This thing kinda makes it sound like feeling isolated is entirely self-imposed while I think many can attest that being different will make you be excluded no matter your best effort. Sometimes feeling disconnected is because other people won’t let you in rather than you being the one to blame.
There’s fitting in a friend group and there’s fitting in in daily living. Whatever the case you have to live in this world and if general society considers you undesirable, it’s gonna feel alienating. I don’t think that it’s fair to put it all on the person. If you’re gonna be marginalised or dehumanised by society, it’s not weird they gonna end up feeling a distance from it. Even if talking about finding the right people, I think it’s fair to say that some groups of people may have a harder time finding those if only because there’s simply less matches and possibly because it’s something that’s generally kept quieter.
@@zomerbloesem9371@zomerbloesem9371 Exactly. I did so much therapy against my "percieved" rejection as an undiagnosed autistic back then, yet never belonged and learning that ppl do reject autistics based on thin sliced judgement (there is a study about it) I was right, and CBT felt like gaslighting. So many years wasted on masking my authentic self, now I'm burned out. But knowing I can better connect with other autistics helps
I'd like to say that I agree with what is being expressed here. But, I can not. One can try their best, be truly genuine, true to themselves, and authentic toward others. All the while, hoping that you'll be included in the tribe. But, what I've found is that you can not force people to like you, to draw you into their group. In reality, what happens is that others don't make a concerted effort. So, you try again, and after three or four attempts, you realize that they have no intentions of ever making an effort. So, you walk away disappointed.
I was trying to come up with those words! Can't even count the many times I have poured myself into others, been genuinely hospitable, genuinely interested, or invested in others. But it doesn't come back. I've learned not to grasp onto relationships, or have expectations going in, so I honestly don't think it is something I'm doing. But I have definitly done my part in attempting to build relationships. In the groups I have tried to socialize with (mostly church groups, and my inlaws) they typically already have their established community of people they have either lived around forever, or are related to, and they literally do not realize that they are excluding others. Doesn't seem intentional, they just have certain people on their radar and no one else even catches their notice. I no longer even hope for genuine connection with a group.
This. I've tried everything and people just don't care. They say they do, but then they never have time, never ask how you are, never help you when you need help etc.
The high school analogy fits me perfectly. I have always felt odd, less than, not good enough, worthless, etc. It's so hard for me to make friends of any sort. It's painful.
Same , I'm challenging this in this time, I feel good when I'm alone and I've never been in deep relationships with others but I think also that I should push a little bit, idk how but I'm trying ( even if I return 2 steps when moving 1 step forward) but I'll keep trying and challenging my self
I fully support you saying we get "weird" in isolation. I have gotten so weird I don't dare speak to anyone. My goal this year is to get over my agoraphobia, have some fun and embrace the weirdness 😅!
Mee too.. I even find myself avoiding people when I'm out and looking down instead of it people very unlike I used to. I think there's something spiritual going on. This is not all coincidence that people are becoming so disengaged. It's important that people engage with other people . Thinking back years ago we used to have small villages and people would all help each other. I almost had an accident trying to get a motorcycle into a trailer yesterday... partial fall... a few neighbors were outside and it's hard to believe they didn't hear what was going on. I had hoped someone might come over to help but..... nope . I'm just the opposite, in spite of my avoidance I still and will always extend a hand when in need.
What is "weird". Different? Less adept at the plethora of social rules someone else made up? Once I gave that up and fully embraced my "weirdness" my quirks and eccentricities I found peace and joy that leaks out of my pores. Ironically, it often has made people want to be around me more, they admire my self sufficiency, my personal strength.
I held several potlucks at my house for friends and neighbours in the past. Now when I send out an invite to join me fror theatre or live music, not only does nobody say yes, nobody even responds. So I stopped doing it. why waste my valuable energy?
It's SO painful when people don't want to come to your parties 😥 it feels like such a risk to put yourself put there and then for no response just makes you feel worthless ❤
I think trauma ages you, being the youngest of 14 , and the scapegoat/target, I spent a lot of time alone in the woods, building forts and befriending wild animals. I was horribly bullied at school too, I think the dysfunction in my family left a target on my back that others could sense and take advantage of. But, for me anyways, everyone just seemed very immature, unevolved, childish, gossipy and petty and quite frankly I didn’t need more drama. I enjoy my own company and that of my animal friends (beardies, birds, dogs and cat and a dwarf rabbit, most I took in from people who couldn’t take care of them) I still like to hike, kayak, rock hunt and camp, I know there are other people that like to do these things but I don’t know how I’d meet them, the thing is most people already have their people group , so I’ll just stick to myself.
I do this. Under therapy I have only just realised how hard I work to be accepted and loved, in groups including my immediate family. I have decided to let go of trying, to just not expend the energy of 'keeping the balls in the air'. I'm not sure how this will go, but it feels extraordinary. I will only expend energy on things that make me happy - and that is mostly animals and nature.
This is me. This is why I always like maybe 3 to 4 people if im out for meal, etc, and no more than that . Even then, I feel sometimes not part of the group. I tend to isolate, 62 now always done that.
It’s unnerving how your videos are so spot on. This is a constant feeling after spending most of my childhood in foster care and being told I did not belong either by the biological children or the women of the household. The feeling follows me everywhere. Wow.
I gave up on groups, at age 60-65 though I invited three potential friends (people I liked) to walk with me. None took me up on my offer. So Im all done.
Me too, I always thought people who are friendly to me wanted to be my friends and I try to go out of my way to establish friendships and to no avail. and after three times getting turned down, I stop bothering them. Why do they make me think they are my friends by being nice and all? Very strange. I’m a single mom and well off financially and don’t date and am fine by myself all my life due to my mom not alive at young age and dad neglected me with new wife. Wd on my own always. But I am very loyal and selective in picking friends but when I invite then over or go out to lunch, they reject and we stop interaction. Weird. I don’t get it.
My whole life I've tried to fit in, to belong. I've made "surface" friends but no real connection. I subconciously stopped trying over the years, I gave up. At 49 years old, I can't be bothered anymore. Travelling and outdoor sctivities are done on my own in my terms. I actually enjoy the peace and quiet surrounding me. I've become unattached to others.
If there was a way to indicate that you scored a bull’s-eye on my life, I will tell you. This is hands-down, my life since I was a little boy. I’m 48 now. And I don’t want to be alone.
Goodness, I have given up the hope that I will ever feel included. I absolutely can't enjoy myself in a group. I feel so much pressure to bond right away to avoid the cliques setting up without me. But I'm coming to accept it. I find that I have trouble being comfortable with myself when others are around. Maybe if I become peaceful inside, the pressure will be off.
I've got CPTSD and PTSD from trauma three years ago from nearly dying from brain tumour. One can't be fixed without the other gone. I'm stuck. My therapist bless her heart is so upbeat and positive I wish I had her optimism. After a lifetime of CPTSD I don't know who I am never have, ever, I'm an ignored child listening to my alcoholic father argue contantly with my absent mother, scared, ashamed, embarressed, lonely, guilty, anxious, desperately lonely desperate to be loved, held, told its ok. I'm 63 yrs old, no friends, I try and make one then push them away before they hurt me. My family just accepts I'm a loner and not a gushing grandma, I so want to be but its fake, a pretence and they know it. I want to feel, I'm sick of feeling numb and empty I want to be normal 😢
The grandkids can be a source of total acceptance if you give them all the love and emotional support that you never had. Don't spoil them with money. Give them what you didn't get. You'll be a true gift to those kids.
I used to go to a lot of group activities even though it was hard for me. But since lockdown these activities no longer exist. I have become totally isolated and have no friends. My husband also retired which hasn't helped as I just follow along in his wake.
And able to hug my tress,literally!! Best experience, besides raising my son, was 2 years go. I got to meditate in a redwood and go to my ancestors last stand. I know that I'll be my last trip anywhere and I'm glad it was the trip to end all trips for me.
This is the feeling I have had since the first day of elementary school. Seems all of the kids would play together and I was on my own. I was always last to be picked for a team like working / playing with me was a huge inconvenience for others. It's possible to be surrounded by hundreds of people and feel alone. I always thought the other kids were just mean and rejecting and couldn't understand why they were treating me that way. Then teachers would lash out at me when I dissociated in the classroom. It just seemed like a cruel world. No mother at home to talk to so I had to just deal with it. I still look at groups of any type as something to be avoided. Now I have real difficulty understanding why I would want to be included in anything. I also tend to resent others who have the power to hurt me through further rejection so I avoid joining anything and live in my own world. Then the feelings feed on themselves and grow. It's also not conducive to a good dating life. Never married, no long term relationships, no kids. I wish this information was available 40 years ago. I saw a psychiatrist with 27 years of experience and told her about my childhood. She stopped writing, put down her pen looked at me and said "Wow!" Thanks for the video.
I really liked this video. I have CPTSD and while my relationship with my husband is great, outside of that I feel very disconnected even though I'm friendly to everyone I meet. Once I had a colleague say 'I don't know how you can just go up to people and talk to them.' She had no idea that me touching base with people did not result in friendships but in me knowing little bits about everyone but never really divulging anything about myself. I seem to be an outsider no matter what I do. :)
This has been my whole life since childhood struggling to be part of groups and find a place in the world for myself. I always find myself just looking at life and others as if I am invisible with craving intimacy despite my terrible social and conversation skills
When I was a young girl, I tried to join the women (mother, grandmother, aunts) in the kitchen, to feel part of the "in" crowd. My mother always sent me away, harshly. That dynamic has followed me my entire life. Always with women. I do have one fairly good female friend, however.
Same with me. It keeps on happening to me with them from 4 years old to now 35 years old. I wish I could have the persona of being done with it all and strong independent lifestyle. But I'm not, I wish to be loved an have a kind husband who has friendly female family members. It's a shame that I'm a magnet for men who hurt me all the time 😢 Leaves me feeling isolated and alone all the time
@@sweetsavour6174 my friend is going through this too. She says that her brothers wife tarnished her marriage and left a negative strain between her and her husband.
Attempting to mend old bridges to former friends seems impossible. It's depressing to feel like a stranger and total outsider among the people I once knew. I've changed and made myself a better person, but even 20 years later no one is interested in my apologizes. My only hope of having friends is to make new friends.
This rings so true, my close friends have just said about me “she’s not a joiner” now I’m starting to wonder…that part of starting off well then slowly distancing myself is definitely a habitual pattern.
If you have close friends - plural - then you really don’t need to join anything. The groups I have belonged to have centered around a common interest - gardening, photography, spirituality. It’s much easier to connect with people who share a common interest than to just show up in a group of people who don’t know you from Adam and vice versa. Because I can no longer drive at night I can no longer attend those groups as they are all held in the evening for people who work. I’ve only stayed in touch with most of these people through Facebook and I have only one friend. I’m at the lowest I have ever been.😢
It’s eerie how spot-on this is, especially the part about being an active participant but slowly withdrawing. This happens to new friendship I make. Yes, I was the common denominator but after learning from CCF that my red-flag detector was broke, I learned those people truly were bad for me. I have a small, but strong group of friends now and I’m thankful for that. I am biracial so I don’t feel a sense of belonging in either half of my racial identity and was bullied by classmates and even a teacher for it. When I go back to my home country, I am snubbed as being too foreign but in the USA I notice when I’m excluded from Caucasian groups. Thankful I found a therapist that actually helps specifically with biracial identity. Thank you so much CCF for the hard work you put into this channel. Growing up in a home where emotions were not allowed, I didn’t even know the words to express all this. Now I have the vocabulary to explain what happened to me and feel so much less alone.
Anna I am in hiding in a new small town from a death threat from 22 years with a narcissist partner I am suffering with severe spinal fractures and am struggling to pay my utilities (keeping heat level at 55 to keep that utility bill low) and living with bare necessities like just rent no internet, no TV, etc… no car no health insurance etc…I have become paranoid to get out into my new small town and join a church and meet people for fear of small town gossip and my Ex finding me. None of the utilities are in my name and I only work for cash 60 hours a week minimum wage and pay cash for my rent and utilities. It’s been like this for 2-1/2 years. To make matters more weird… I am Aspergers and an introvert (INFJ) I was raised with 7 other kids in server poverty with an alcoholic single mom. (Did lots of John Bradshaw stuff in the 1990’s about shame) thank you again for your free content and keeping your channel fresh.!!!! ❤ Your videos are my way to heal. I cannot afford your boot camp but wanted to really thank you for your free content. It’s helped me immensely since I found it several months back.
I don't know if you're ware but I was told when I was hiding from my ex that I could change my name and social security number to give. I didn't bother because his godfather was cop and would've found me , though. They don't tell you about it but wanted to tell you it is an option.
This really hit home for me. I never felt part of any group, even if I headed up the group! I always felt that I was too different from everyone else, not at ease with them, not able to make small talk. I’m not comfortable in groups to this day, but do better with just a few close friends. Joining groups isn’t the only way to nurture yourself. Just having loving people in your life is wonderful too.
Yes, I am older, 70's, no one wants me around especially after a grey divorce recently. It is painful and I know I must just accept it. Everyone I know has ghosted me. I have many interests so I will die totally alone and isolated. No one cares about me at all.
CCF is a supportive community. Though you cannot see or hear us, we care about you. I am in my 60's. My relationship ended abruptly a few months back. I understand that numb, hollowed-out feeling, like you're invisible. Feel much better when I isolate but I try to air out, go hiking, etc., too. Being out in nature helps greatly. Best friend lives in another state but we talk often, it helps. Also have a sweet cat...great company. Hang in there and good luck to you..
I feel this, and just want to say hi. There are lots of mixed up young people around you. Around all of us. . Can you help mentor them? Life is such a strange process, I just wish you all the best!
Volunteer. Step outside your thoughts and donate some of your time snd energy to people who really need some help. Volunteer to read to kids at the library or at school. Volunteer to read to or play cards with elders in nursing homes or hospitals. Volunteer for neighborhood clean-ups in your town. Volunteer to help an elderly neighbor get out to grocery shop or mow their grass or put out / bring in their trash barrels. Volunteer at a local soup kitchen or food pantry. Volunteer to spend time with abandoned and lonely pets at your local animal shelter. Unfortunately, your troubles will still be available to pick up again when you choose to address them... but your mind may be clearer for having taken a break from them. You are truly courageous and have made it so very far in life despite everything that's happened to you... choose to make a positive difference in others' lives... give away some kindness. You may feel better for having done so... 💛🌟
I have struggled with every kind of relationship my whole life, I'm middle aged, I know I have CPTSD and was frustrated that I never seemed to "improve" - recently realized I'm neurodivergent mostly in the Social category and that explains a lot. Not an excuse, but it's a good explanation for sure. I don't expect things to turn around, and that's fine. There's a lot of us doing the best that we can.
Not specifically in your case, but just in general, I wonder if people get neurodivergent because of CPTSD. Yeah they can surely occur together but maybe CPTSD induces the process which eventually manifests in neurological abnormalities
I feel out of synch with everything, due to dissociation, unmet needs and more - not matriculating then moving through life “properly”. Also, with all this “trauma”, our needs are different, and that shows up in groups, maybe most especially. “Belonging” is essential to one’s emotional and psychological well-being. Essential.
I always feel like I’m a spectator to life. Sometimes I dip in but ultimately I don’t fit in. Lonely even in a crowd. I’m almost 58 now and wonder if I’ll ever find a tribe.
This is absolutely true for me. Fortunately, I’m totally happy on my own. I just find that I’m uncomfortable around most people. All my relationships are very superficial.
I understand but we need people to live a healthy life. I encourage you to try Connection Bootcamp -- a course Anna developed -- that provides a structured way to start working on friendships and social life. bit.ly/CCF_Connection Nika@TeamFairy
I just feel you know you do not feel comfortable in a group. You have to be careful not to start people pleasing and disregarding your own needs trying to please others. I love being an introvert. Less drama and stress especially when people dont want to work own their own issues.
We always tend to resonate more with the people who are most like us. The issue is that, if we constantly reject those around us because we don't feel adequate (or we don't feel that THEY are adequate), then the kinds of people we will connect with the most are those who do the same - rejecting us because they have similar views and emotions as we do. So how do you form a bond of friendship when both you and the other person want to escape from the bond even before it happens? The answer is, we have to sit with ourselves, get to know ourselves and work on ourselves to heal our hearts. This process has to go hand in hand with going out and searching for a healthy connection. Then, over time, we start to feel like loneliness is no longer something bad, and connecting with someone in a warm and loving way becomes like the icing on the cake. If we can't find that right away, we go on... alone AND happy. There's a concept for ya :) I think that's how it has to be, because in feeling needy we attract needy people and situations in which we kind of set ourselves up to be choiceless. The choice to walk away and look for other options keeps us centered and confident enough to maintain our boundaries and leave the connections that are not for us.
This is so hard for me at 59yrs...Then the Toxic Positivity can come from some individual's like blood family members that think I'm a cry-baby over something like this gas-lighting me, invalidating me, stonewalling me ....because I don't think Positively.
This explains why I would go to the bathroom on the hundreds of jobs and walk out the door.. since finding your channel you have helped me so much! Mind you I have been in therapy my whole life but no one ever talked about cptsd..I'm at this very place right now in my life in my 50s still terrified of being a part of but needing it so badly! I have been alone without no one to pick me up from hospital or no one to write down in case of emergency. Greatful I found your channel! You are a god sent thanks so very much ❤
Yes! I often hear myself wishing i felt like i belonged, somewhere, with someone. In my family, i never felt good enough, and at school i never felt i fit in. My son recently left the nest(I've been a single parent since he is born) he moved on the other end of the country, lives with my nephew(a 4hour plane ride), to study, and work. My sister lives not too far from him. As proude i am of my son, i feel excluded and left out, like when i grew up. Its only been 8mnths, and inside im very down. 😢 Dont worry, im careful to nevet make him feel guilty, i realise he needs to make his own life, we do not own our children, and he does Not owe me anything. But i do encourage staying in touch regularly. I just keep quite about the sad lonely feelings. At Easter, he and my sister and nephew had Easter day together. I made sure to work so i dont feel the horrible feelings in my heart and gut. 😢😢
I definitely have this. I've even found that by working at companies as a contractor, rather than putting forth effort to be an employee, allowed me to keep coworkers at arm's length. I feel more comfortable being an outsider, yet at the same time, I long for closeness. Thank you for making this video.
Me too ….it’s a drag, but really mine are very wounded and have done 0 work…. I am nurturing healthy, reciprocal friendships …..it’s lonely at times, but at least I’m not being abused
I feel like this came just in time. I was just feeling lonely today and how I wanted to make more connections. I've always felt like an outsider whenever part of a group interaction, and I think it stems from growing up in a big family but never feeling included in the time we were together.
Yep I'm 43 and still can't fit in, not even with my kids, I love your knowledge! I pic a loner like me , or someone who would get picked on and make them feel good,
PRE VERBAL - my neglect goes that far back. I always knew I was a failed home abortion - Love was not forthcoming- my mom has literally no memories of anything in my childhood - I was fifth of five. Im 58 now - there feels like there's no hope - Ive tried everything all my life - Im just tired now and alone.
@@Gyatt12384 Ive tried - hence my name - but Im just sinking further into depression. Once I became disabled family and friends scattered like cockroaches - very hurtful. I do understand that everyone has problems though.
@@edatatu2739 My last connection was with my 22 year old daughter (mind you it was one sided really). My mom passed a month ago - my daughter has not been in touch since and although she is a typical selfish, narcissistic Gen Z - I miss her
All I've ever really wanted was to belong, to be part of something. In the midst of a crowd, im alone. Even a family gathering i usually feel like im on the outside looking in. Conversations swirl around me like I'm not even there. I speak and no one hears.
Twenty eight years of it, and in realizing I've simply integrated alot of the traits, like this one. I've lived all over the country with exception of east coast states, and every place thus far has been the same, a desire to create a board game group and a TTRPG group, and that was the end of that, my conscious desire for involvement ends right there, which in more particular terms meant.... I never had an interest to reach out further... that is no public works, no clubs, no parties, no social November's, no politics. In or about 2010 and again back in 2022 I tried to reach out again to do more charity or volunteer work but psyche couldn't handle it, so yeah. I'm back to my low investment standards of being. I don't tend to step down when peple are capable of directly asking me for the help and I know I'm actually capable, but trying to get involved in large groups is just not happening.
I want a D&D group too. I feel that. I can be with people, but pretend I'm someone else and have fun not being me for a few hours. I think that's why I like fantasy so much -- because it's not real and not me. And the dragons, of course.
I never felt I had time to listen to this kind of stuff, but now I'm glad I finally have, approaching my 70th birthday. It makes sense. Thank you so much! At least I don't feel so weird, feeling that way. That actually helps me a lot.❤❤
Yes I avoid disregulation. I would like to be more social and "comfortable" in my skin. When I was a teen I had big groups. Now I am keeping that one foot out the door
It's a great one! I am an outlier here...chronic abandonment, and I never pulled away. I, as my therapist said "heal well since I don't avoid, and I also tell the truth, speak my feeling, call things out, etc" ...from childhood to now, 40s. I was left when I died in 2020 and couldn't physically be the person people wanted me to be knew me to be - I was a uniter, the communicator, brought people together. Once I was medically unable to do all that for several years now.....no one has done any of what I did easily (not trying to be 'victim' type but it's reality). I was angry during the lockdowns too because people were so sacred of a virus that they feared people - no reaching out to any one, just them and their fears. Talk about selfish. As a nurse, Christian, woman, HUMAN...I don't bat an eye when some one is in need - friend, family or stranger - doesn't matter. To see people sit home on their devices isolating themselves, it added to my abandonment - they didn't even call. I related to your stint of hospitalizations and no one to even pick you up. With out my parents, I'd have no one. I was a joyful happy soul before I died from multiple toxicities and healthcare medical trauma of neglect. I traveled whether I had people to hang with or not. I met people on the plane, wherever I went! The 'smart' tech replaced humanity for the majority of our depressed, addicted society. When I went off FB, the phone never rang. I refuse to participate in and perpetuate this anti-social identity disorder situation. It's addiction.
This effects me deeply. I've played many roles in groups, often in the inner circle. On the scale, I am more extrovert....so I "need" or want to be with others. But I've had a high level of trauma, and that has gotten harder to cope with as time has passed. Also as me and my friends have aged, things shift, and I am no longer in the inner circle. It's been very painful and triggering. I just recently learned that my consistent, almost obsessive seeming reaching out stems from my extrovertion...not for some other sick need. But because of life, and shifts, and changes, friends don't seem.to reach back as much. I've very slowly learned to be compassionate with myself, and be patient. I do give a little more, but not so much that I'll harbor a resentment. I try to breathe...and meet my own needs as much as I can. This is a very layered and complex issue.
Thank you Anna, really. Your videos have been resonating for around a year now I'd say, and I hardly ever comment on CZcams, but I wanted to let you know that you've helped me tremendously. I'm French and it seems we're a little behing on all these issues here. You've opened my eyes on some wounds I hadn't seen even though I've been to therapy. You have been the start of a deep work I've been doing since, and also sharing with some of my friends who are also grateful for what you share. Keep doing it !
This hit hard..... im glad i watched this vid, even thoigh i cried through all of it. Im so ashamed to even acknowledge to myself that i dont even have anyone to put on my 'in case if emergency ' form for work.
I have watched many of your videos and so far all have been about things I experienced. I want your book! My brother and I are both trying to recover from abuse. I am 69 yo. I am becoming more aware of the damage and actively do self-work to heal. Your site is a real affirmation of what I am aware of and how I have been working on it.
Thank you for this encouragement...this has been the hardest part of healing C-PTSD for me. I am neurodivergent also which means I get overstimulated easily in loud, bright, busy environments which is where a lot of socializing happens unfortunately. However, I have found ways to connect with people including my weekly community dance class, vending at markets, and meeting with friends one on one. A little at a time things are getting better and less uncomfortable and for that I am grateful!
Thank you for covering this, Anna. I SO relate to this, painfully so, even at 70 after significant healing. I still much prefer small groups or just one-on-one contacts, over larger group interactions. Especially now that I no longer drink, "parties" ain't NO party for me. I thought for so long that everyone else in various groups had nothing they were ashamed about, felt fraudulent about. I thought everyone else was "normal." Now I wonder how many people DIDN'T endure some degree of neglect or abuse as children.
These days, it's not just about PTSD. Some - perhaps many - of us find ourselves outnumbered and rejected due to social, political and sometimes religious beliefs. It wasn't that long ago when I could participate in a group and it would be about whatever that group came together for (hiking, biking, pickle ball, learning something new, whatever...) but now everyone is sniffing each other to see if they are "safe" to be around ie. same social and political or even health situation views and ideals. It really sucks.
Out of four children when I heard my mother say, "that kid has to piss again" I didn't put it all together until 57 years later... I remember when we live in a small town in western Montana during my 7th grade year, me looking into the bathroom mirror and hitting myself in the face because I was so disappointed in myself. That same year I was home alone with the mother of us kids while standing in the kitchen, I ask her if I was adopted. She she no and turned the question into, "Why do ask that?" I couldn't reply for fear of being shamed. There was no hug. She told me years later that the reason that I stuttered was, "Showing off" Non of my family members attended my graduation getting my doctors degree in chiropractic. Or stepped foot into my office. Edit:Im exposing that behavior.... I'm 67..
Wow, what a powerful message of healing!!! You always read me like a book Anna ❤️❤️❤️ thank you so much for your wisdom, and for giving actionable steps to implement in the real world for our healing ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Thank you CCF, I too have been able to find a lot of healing of my CPTSD and self esteem over the years. That being said , It has taught me to be very considerate as to whom I allow in my life. They must be people who accept me for me . They also have to be very independent and enjoy their alone time as I do. I have been blessed to have a couple such friends and it is marvelous. We are there for eachother in the important times yet we do not crowd eachothers space. They also have CPTSD. We met through comomon interests , not a therepy group. I still cannot and do not do groups. Way too much drama for me.
Wow. So helpful. Hard to hear but spot on! Thank you so much for saying this and making sense out of stuff that’s felt like a painful confusing mystery to me for decades! I hope I can find courage to use this to make needed changes in my life. Thank you
I don’t enjoy being isolated. I live alone. My children are grown. It’s served its point with solitude and healing but I’m looking for my tribe. I’m knocking on the doors looking to find something. Some nice people would be well nice. I say I was treated more nasty by women in AA NA then I was ever in a drug house but I’m going to keep trying. This is hard.
@@elipotter369 Most women I have known are like that, even my 3 sisters when they get together, they sit smug knowing they have a partner, even if they don't like them lol I only like men's company if I fancy them otherwise it's like being just out with a woman ( small talk) but as you say when you hit 60s men not really interested in us anymore.
@elipotter369 I have one friend who is OK, but I only see her maybe once every 3 months, she has lots of friends and she is married so she is always busy, I had another friend recently who if we went out she would shout at me over not keeping door open for people, helping people on the bus, I was walking on egg shells with her so i finished the friendship, blocked her.
Recently realized I'm codependent and a fearful avoidant and I'm so thankful for having so much knowledgeable tools such as your channel as resources. ❤hoping to heal my abandonment and neglect wounds!
Near the end you say "Inclusion is imoprtant for development of intellect, spirit, maturity...to the blossoming of your whole being into becoming yourself." If that doesn't explain me! I've been on a healing journey for 15+ years and keep coming back to LACK of inclusion in my family of origin... at least lack of TRUE inclusion. I praise God to leading me to some others who DO help me feel included and acceot and love me even though I really don't have that sense of self or feel intellectually mature...people who encourage me to seek solutions while accepting me right where I am. At 59 it's a hard pill to swallow some days that I have lived this long without a sense of self, but I keep trying to heal and grow. Being stuck (which I was for 40+ years of my life) sucks!!!
Wow thinking back it seemed to have started when I was young. I didn’t like the kids church group and didn’t want birthday parties. My mom forced me to have a party at 10 years old and I was miserable and couldn’t wait for everyone to leave lol. I’m also an introvert but now I think it was both contributing as factors.
Thanks Anna. I have had periods of isolation but I've managed to find my way out. Recently retired and felt big-time isolation that I felt too lost to come out of. Your videos have really helped me to see why I've "ended up" where I have. This video is great. I've started back to 12-step meetings, and the connection has made a huge difference. I have a ways to go but I'm starting to feel less weird, and more like I'm coming back to the land of the living. You're speaking my language. Thank you so much.😊
Wonderful! Thank you for sharing such a good news! It's a real encouragement for other folks in our community here. Keep up the great work! Nika@TeamFairy
Oh yes, when friends are sick or having a crisis, I stop what I am doing, take flowers or homemade food, send a note etc. I don’t do it for the “show of caring”. I really feel for them. Yet I have had a few true medical emergencies, and was actually stunned at the lack of any response from friends and family. I still acknowledge people in crisis, but I don’t stop my life to help. And I don’t dwell on lack of acknowledgement from family and friends for when I need caring. This makes me feel outside of the circle, but it also doesn’t drain me of my energy.
OMG! This is so me... I'm going to listen to this again. Been listening/watching your videos for a while. Thank you for what you are doing for so many others. Please keep it up.
I'm so glad the channel has been helpful! Glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
People can sniff out that you don’t belong too. I was always left out by friends, never in the centre, having to work harder to fit in. Honestly, I’ve met fellow ‘weirdos’ and feel most at home with them.
yeah, I thought that could be a thing. But isn't that like packing crystal without bubble wrap?
Fellow weirdos are people too 😉
@@annadonahue4119 the best kind
Not weirdo we walk to our own 🎶🎵
i hear you, but hear me out they can also sense when you wont put with unreasonable bs or being piled on in an unkind way. Thats also true. Being too at home with the "weirdos" is also a sign of sometimes latent shame or envy and keeps one behind and less joyful as a person. Only saying this coz Ive been there and changed a bit since. Not to say snooty,exclusive cliques or dysfunctional group dynamics dont exist-just stay away from those omg but otherwise theres many kinds of folks out there Cheers. :)
I'm tired of "showing up" and being disappointed.
Give yourself credit for "showing up".
@@elminero49 thank you 🙂
💯
I told my partner it's almost like the animal kingsom,people sense you're weakness etc and attacks I can't even work because it happens there and I've had supervisors in front of everyone say oh be carefull we don't want her to go all woohoo. 😢yet,guess who most of the coworkers came to for most everything? Ugh
I was just having a conversation with someone earlier about CPTSD, and how it really is like carrying a heavy backpack full of toxic memories where you are constantly revisited and haunted by old ghosts. It’s a silent battle where there is a deep longing for peace within our lives.
Well stated😢
What's funny is the people who tell you it happened years ago get over it but you don't get over it's just there affecting you like it happened yesterday I hate it so bad
Yes! And it's like differe nt ghosts keep popping up randomly out of the backpack like jack in the boxes
Yes! And then even sleep doesn't offer respite. I have such disturbing dreams about my parents and old friends who aren't even in my life. It's relentless.
100% to all the comments here.
The older you get the more difficult it gets. Social groups are already set, neighbors are already in a clique. Then, you lose people and acquaintances to death.
Omgosh.. I too often say the same thing.
Attempting to mend old bridges to former friends seems impossible. It's depressing to feel like a stranger and total outsider among the people I once knew. I've changed and made myself a better person, but even 20 years later no one is interested in my apologizes. My only hope of having friends is to make new friends.
@@elminero49 same, it's frustrating as well as dealing with friends that have their own families they're growing and don't want to deal with old wounds.
i don’t know why i only like being around people that are either not my race, children, or animals.
my family went to a church 40 min away. there were 300ish jr high and highschool kids. i was friends with none of them. i spent a lot of time wandering around after waiting for my parents to get out of some kind of bible study. i started playing piano in the basement or played games on my calculator. i went to a wednesday small group and felt on the outside. at college i felt on the outside. i often left my friends to be alone. the only person i always liked being around was my wife. she left me because i was too depressed after losing my job. she stayed home and made mom friends. i wasn’t friends with their husbands. so now i have zero friends. males that are unmarried don’t want to be around males. males that are married don’t get outside their families. only women will hang out with me. platonically or not. i’m cautious because i am nice and usually not romantically interested in women. ive had bad experiences with that.
i also disliked people in sports, but my dad was a sports coach. all my hs friends were band and choir kids. as people get older (im 40) they stop playing music. at least when they have little kids. i was a music major. i play guitar, piano, cello, and violin.
being middle aged has perks, but can suck for divorced males.
Ouch. Blunt. But yeah.
I can’t ever get past a surface level friendship. It’s hard and I’ve tried! But I mean as long as people are kind to me I’m just grateful for that 😊
I completely agree, I'm feeling you. 🫂
It's the getting ppl to be kind - genuinely kind, not just the superficial foam that says 'look at me, as kind as kind can be - that's the difficulty, in my experience.
I hear you. Sending you kindness 🤗 🌸 💫
I hear this! I've got friends who I've known for 30+ years (I'm 45) and we're STILL only surface level!
Same here
This resonates. I’ve felt like an outsider my entire life
I've had this feeling all of life.
When I feel off, I just walk away.
I'm great at ghosting people
Absquatulating. The Irish exit. Love it!
In groups I always feel as though I'm observing, but never part of them. I've gotten to the stage where my social skills are ok and I can put on a good act, but it feels as though I'm not the real me, and I always leave feeling uncomfortable: did I talk too much? Did I offend x when I said y? Someone might irritate me to the point it ruins everything. Sometimes I think I've made a friend and it never quite happens. All of this adds up to make it 'not fun' so I tend to avoid groups.
This is exactly me! Glad to know I am not alone 😢
Yep. I'm similar, except these days at age 45 I don't care about how I appeared or what I said afterwards. My problem is I've been putting on a facade since childhood so I REALLY have great difficulty dropping it. I don't know how to, even if I want to. I actually don't know if I even HAVE an "authentic self".
@@ladybaabaa3294 I've done a lot of journaling and goal setting this past year to try and figure out my authentic self. I've been a people pleaser my whole life and don't even know what an interaction with others should be like. I've come to the conclusion that *my people" are rare.
I understand entirely
I have tried and tried, but never succeed in quite making the grade with groups. I did not have a “ home town” because my dad was in the Air Force and we moved several times during my childhood. If you do not become part of a core group early on in life, you find yourself forever on the fringes. I guess. It’s the only tangible explanation I could come up with. I never belong.
As a former people pleaser I am proud to say I am selfish. I am picky about who I connect to because my energy is precious.
❤
Congrats! Me too!
After living with CPTSD for most of my 64yrs I have absolutely no need to be part of the pack. I enjoy being a lone wolf.
Ditto. It's probably a "use it or lose it" type of thing. Live alone long enough and it becomes unimaginable to share life with someone else.
Same age and same sentiment.
At this point 99% of people are just annoying.
@@vikingprincess634 In other words: 99% of people find the VikingPrincess634 annoying.
Yep , Lone Wolf King of the Mountain , I hear u , makes life much simpler
~Yes, same age, same experience, only now added in is, i get sick from vaxx shedding, so im adapting to isolation even more~Its nice in many ways, and drama free~
Don't want to belong. Been there done that. Learned to find my safe space and i found it when i broke from the crowd.
That’s awesome!! 🎉
Friends are wayyyy to much work and disappointment. I have learned to just not do that. It takes too long to recover.
If you didn’t feel safe then you didn’t really belong.
People of faith with CPTSD face an additional challenge. Biblically, we need to fellowship with others, and I understand the spiritual directive for this, but for me, it is disregulating. It takes several days to recover from group involvement because I spend so much time analyzing what I said, how it was received, whether or not I could have said it better, what others said, how I received it, and so on and so on….Exhausting. Simply leaving this comment has taken a ridiculously long time. Thanks for your videos. They have been helpful to me.
Lots of churches have an online component now. You can join a live stream service and be in fellowship, without having to be in the same physical place with others.
~I found what you described as being a factor in me leaving the church~There were other things, too, but all of the uncomfortable social dynamics seemed to pull me away from my relationship with God~I feel it has improved just being on my own~Do you know what i mean?~
Not a religious person, but I think I understand. I could barely handle one-on-one therapy. The idea of group therapy (which was often offered or suggested) seemed like a nightmare .
I can relate. I like going to church, but forced fellowship is completely disregulating to me. Currently I attend a small Bible-believing church, but many of the members were friends and family for years, and after three years there I don't have one close friend. My husband can't understand why I leave to go to the car as soon as church service ends. It's because the people are all right, but I don't know them very well and we have no opportunity to get to work on things together. It's frustrating.
@@kathyingram3061 I know EXACTLY what you mean. I'm a Christian with genuine desire to love Christ, but have not attended church service for 5+ years...and I do not miss the "entertainment" that church has become. Yes, I know what scripture says about fellowship...but I have been reading my Bible everyday and listening to solid Bible teachers and actually growing in my faith. I know, it's frustrating.
I hate groups. I prefer 1 on 1 situation with someone I am comfortable with. Went to a group event with friends. I felt so uncomfortable I went and sat in the car until it was time to leave
I get it. Maybe one day you can laugh about that. Warm wishes.
I take crochet with me. I get a lot done on crochet projects that way. Is it too revealing to say yarn is nicer than many people?
@@DesertNailsa lot of us say animals are nicer than people.
@@katella A lot of us have allergies
@@DesertNails 😂 "yarn is nicer than a lot of people" lmao sounds so funny but yes it's true 🧶
I just did 4 months in self-imposed isolation. I literally spoke to no one (hello to cashiers don't count) because in my town most people go into hibernation in the winter. It was extremely difficult to reach out to my doctor & say I needed help, but I did.
Two weeks later, I've got a counselor, a psychiatrist and am working hard to pull myself out of depression & anxiety. At 68, it's hard to reconnect with friends or acquaintances... especially because of my childhood trauma.
Everyone is so busy, hustling to just make ends meet while I have tons of time, but steer clear of groups. I'm not giving up thanks in part to Anna's videos. Thank you! ❤
I often think how wonderful life would be if having a pen pal was still a thing.
I’m 46, happily married & still feel the same. Also joined a childhood trauma group & it’s helping :) You did the right thing for yourself!
I feel you, same here!❤️
I understand. I love you. Please take a good B-Complex and additional B1...a B1 deficiency can cause anxiety & B-Complex is great for your nerves.
Dear One I am 68yrs old and every trauma I experienced from the womb to now is staring me in the face...I was in some kind of a dream until now and it's time to wake up.When I drown in self pity and who is there for ME I realise a higher power an inner knowing has always saved me..I should be dead but for this inner strength that helps me to stay alive and make the most of the life I have been dealt.Focusing inward and invoking that inner voice has given me confidence and peace.You can and will come out of this..Blessings❤
I have lived alone and 99% isolated from others and am finally content. For some of us isolation is the only way to find peace of mind.
I think the endless desire to connect with others is codependent. Your own company should be enough.
@@ryank6322 thank you! I find myself to be good company 😎
I've been a "shadow" my whole (hole) life.
It made me an easy target.
Are we speaking of real or imagined disconnection? Because most of the, "We should grab a coffee sometime..." stuff I get is disingenuous. Or better yet I was asked to take someone ice fishing, arrange a day only to have the person cancel. I tell people who express concerns about me going out in the bush alone, "If I waited for someone to do things with I wouldn't do anything ever. " ADHD and Autism plus CPTSD, my counselor says is the perfect storm. I never have real understood humans, the dishonesty and ego baffle me.
~Yes, the neurodivergent brain symptoms, seem so similar to the CPSTD symptoms?!~
This resonates.
@@keithstoeckle7350 I am not without friends, I am very selective these days who I invest in. Take care!
I find I get bored of small talk, and I just can't be bothered to talk and look at my phone for time so I can go home. I just don't enjoy a lot of people's company.
Authenticity. Reciprocity. Very hard to find. I am right there wandering around in the woods with you. ;)
They say that, “you are the sum of your five closest friends” … but if you don’t have any close friends because you always feel like an outsider, what do you do? I always wonder what normal feels like .. the disconnect and isolation sucks! 😔
❤️
I have felt that way for 81 years.
69, same
@@sharondoan1447 how do you handle that feeling when it creeps in?
@@donwade9905 has there ever been a time when you were “connected”? 🙁
This thing kinda makes it sound like feeling isolated is entirely self-imposed while I think many can attest that being different will make you be excluded no matter your best effort. Sometimes feeling disconnected is because other people won’t let you in rather than you being the one to blame.
This exactly ^^
Maybe someone in that situation is trying to be apart of a group which isn't great for them.
There’s fitting in a friend group and there’s fitting in in daily living. Whatever the case you have to live in this world and if general society considers you undesirable, it’s gonna feel alienating. I don’t think that it’s fair to put it all on the person. If you’re gonna be marginalised or dehumanised by society, it’s not weird they gonna end up feeling a distance from it. Even if talking about finding the right people, I think it’s fair to say that some groups of people may have a harder time finding those if only because there’s simply less matches and possibly because it’s something that’s generally kept quieter.
@@zomerbloesem9371@zomerbloesem9371 Exactly. I did so much therapy against my "percieved" rejection as an undiagnosed autistic back then, yet never belonged and learning that ppl do reject autistics based on thin sliced judgement (there is a study about it) I was right, and CBT felt like gaslighting. So many years wasted on masking my authentic self, now I'm burned out. But knowing I can better connect with other autistics helps
@@sabserab Mhm, exactly. Hope you manage to work things out. Sorry you had to deal with that 💙
I'd like to say that I agree with what is being expressed here. But, I can not. One can try their best, be truly genuine, true to themselves, and authentic toward others. All the while, hoping that you'll be included in the tribe. But, what I've found is that you can not force people to like you, to draw you into their group. In reality, what happens is that others don't make a concerted effort. So, you try again, and after three or four attempts, you realize that they have no intentions of ever making an effort. So, you walk away disappointed.
I was trying to come up with those words! Can't even count the many times I have poured myself into others, been genuinely hospitable, genuinely interested, or invested in others. But it doesn't come back. I've learned not to grasp onto relationships, or have expectations going in, so I honestly don't think it is something I'm doing. But I have definitly done my part in attempting to build relationships. In the groups I have tried to socialize with (mostly church groups, and my inlaws) they typically already have their established community of people they have either lived around forever, or are related to, and they literally do not realize that they are excluding others. Doesn't seem intentional, they just have certain people on their radar and no one else even catches their notice. I no longer even hope for genuine connection with a group.
Exactly
This. I've tried everything and people just don't care. They say they do, but then they never have time, never ask how you are, never help you when you need help etc.
The high school analogy fits me perfectly. I have always felt odd, less than, not good enough, worthless, etc. It's so hard for me to make friends of any sort. It's painful.
67 still feel this way
69, and can't name an actual friend
This is my biggest concern right now. It’s extremely taxing for me to socialize. I truly don’t know if I can.
Same bere and it hurts tremendously
Same , I'm challenging this in this time, I feel good when I'm alone and I've never been in deep relationships with others but I think also that I should push a little bit, idk how but I'm trying ( even if I return 2 steps when moving 1 step forward) but I'll keep trying and challenging my self
I fully support you saying we get "weird" in isolation. I have gotten so weird I don't dare speak to anyone. My goal this year is to get over my agoraphobia, have some fun and embrace the weirdness 😅!
Mee too.. I even find myself avoiding people when I'm out and looking down instead of it people very unlike I used to. I think there's something spiritual going on. This is not all coincidence that people are becoming so disengaged. It's important that people engage with other people . Thinking back years ago we used to have small villages and people would all help each other. I almost had an accident trying to get a motorcycle into a trailer yesterday... partial fall... a few neighbors were outside and it's hard to believe they didn't hear what was going on. I had hoped someone might come over to help but..... nope . I'm just the opposite, in spite of my avoidance I still and will always extend a hand when in need.
What is "weird". Different? Less adept at the plethora of social rules someone else made up?
Once I gave that up and fully embraced my "weirdness" my quirks and eccentricities I found peace and joy that leaks out of my pores. Ironically, it often has made people want to be around me more, they admire my self sufficiency, my personal strength.
You somehow explain perfectly what it’s like to be me...thank you xx
I held several potlucks at my house for friends and neighbours in the past. Now when I send out an invite to join me fror theatre or live music, not only does nobody say yes, nobody even responds. So I stopped doing it. why waste my valuable energy?
It's SO painful when people don't want to come to your parties 😥 it feels like such a risk to put yourself put there and then for no response just makes you feel worthless ❤
I have the same experience . I feel invisible
I’m sorry friend 😢
I have always felt like I didn’t fit anywhere.
I think trauma ages you, being the youngest of 14 , and the scapegoat/target, I spent a lot of time alone in the woods, building forts and befriending wild animals. I was horribly bullied at school too, I think the dysfunction in my family left a target on my back that others could sense and take advantage of. But, for me anyways, everyone just seemed very immature, unevolved, childish, gossipy and petty and quite frankly I didn’t need more drama. I enjoy my own company and that of my animal friends (beardies, birds, dogs and cat and a dwarf rabbit, most I took in from people who couldn’t take care of them) I still like to hike, kayak, rock hunt and camp, I know there are other people that like to do these things but I don’t know how I’d meet them, the thing is most people already have their people group , so I’ll just stick to myself.
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WOW THE YOUNGEST OF 14?!?! 😲😵💫
I do this. Under therapy I have only just realised how hard I work to be accepted and loved, in groups including my immediate family. I have decided to let go of trying, to just not expend the energy of 'keeping the balls in the air'. I'm not sure how this will go, but it feels extraordinary. I will only expend energy on things that make me happy - and that is mostly animals and nature.
This is me. This is why I always like maybe 3 to 4 people if im out for meal, etc, and no more than that . Even then, I feel sometimes not part of the group. I tend to isolate, 62 now always done that.
I prefer one person but can't find that. Once I felt part of a group of four, me being one. Sadly, our connection was how mentally ill we all were.
It’s unnerving how your videos are so spot on. This is a constant feeling after spending most of my childhood in foster care and being told I did not belong either by the biological children or the women of the household. The feeling follows me everywhere. Wow.
I'm sorry for what you are carrying with you. You have value and you found your way to this youtube channel. Good for you. 🙂
I am so sorry you had to go through that! You have a great deal of value 💛
Yes you are valuable I'm sorry for the way people made you feel.
I wish you well on your journey to healing. 💚
Thank you all so much for your kindness.
I gave up on groups, at age 60-65 though I invited three potential friends (people I liked) to walk with me. None took me up on my offer. So Im all done.
I am so sorry. Stuff like that happens to me as well & while I too say I'm done, it still hurts.
Me too, I always thought people who are friendly to me wanted to be my friends and I try to go out of my way to establish friendships and to no avail. and after three times getting turned down, I stop bothering them. Why do they make me think they are my friends by being nice and all? Very strange. I’m a single mom and well off financially and don’t date and am fine by myself all my life due to my mom not alive at young age and dad neglected me with new wife. Wd on my own always. But I am very loyal and selective in picking friends but when I invite then over or go out to lunch, they reject and we stop interaction. Weird. I don’t get it.
So True same here. I can't think of a single person I could call and invite for coffee.
My whole life I've tried to fit in, to belong. I've made "surface" friends but no real connection. I subconciously stopped trying over the years, I gave up. At 49 years old, I can't be bothered anymore. Travelling and outdoor sctivities are done on my own in my terms. I actually enjoy the peace and quiet surrounding me. I've become unattached to others.
If there was a way to indicate that you scored a bull’s-eye on my life, I will tell you. This is hands-down, my life since I was a little boy. I’m 48 now. And I don’t want to be alone.
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Adopt a dog. Best company and ❤
Goodness, I have given up the hope that I will ever feel included. I absolutely can't enjoy myself in a group. I feel so much pressure to bond right away to avoid the cliques setting up without me. But I'm coming to accept it. I find that I have trouble being comfortable with myself when others are around. Maybe if I become peaceful inside, the pressure will be off.
I would rather just sit there and listen to others . I always think I am making a fool of myself.
I've got CPTSD and PTSD from trauma three years ago from nearly dying from brain tumour. One can't be fixed without the other gone. I'm stuck. My therapist bless her heart is so upbeat and positive I wish I had her optimism.
After a lifetime of CPTSD I don't know who I am never have, ever, I'm an ignored child listening to my alcoholic father argue contantly with my absent mother, scared, ashamed, embarressed, lonely, guilty, anxious, desperately lonely desperate to be loved, held, told its ok.
I'm 63 yrs old, no friends, I try and make one then push them away before they hurt me.
My family just accepts I'm a loner and not a gushing grandma, I so want to be but its fake, a pretence and they know it. I want to feel, I'm sick of feeling numb and empty I want to be normal 😢
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Sending you lots of love and healing energy 🤍
The grandkids can be a source of total acceptance if you give them all the love and emotional support that you never had. Don't spoil them with money. Give them what you didn't get. You'll be a true gift to those kids.
sending love and hugs❤
No thanks. Too many emotional vampires out there. At peace with solitude. A dog, book, some coffee, and I'm fine.
Yes! As soon as I stopped trying to make myself do it, the anxiety stopped. Happy to just be alone w my cats.
That’s what I call people - vampires
I used to go to a lot of group activities even though it was hard for me. But since lockdown these activities no longer exist. I have become totally isolated and have no friends. My husband also retired which hasn't helped as I just follow along in his wake.
And able to hug my tress,literally!! Best experience, besides raising my son, was 2 years go. I got to meditate in a redwood and go to my ancestors last stand. I know that I'll be my last trip anywhere and I'm glad it was the trip to end all trips for me.
This is the feeling I have had since the first day of elementary school. Seems all of the kids would play together and I was on my own. I was always last to be picked for a team like working / playing with me was a huge inconvenience for others. It's possible to be surrounded by hundreds of people and feel alone. I always thought the other kids were just mean and rejecting and couldn't understand why they were treating me that way. Then teachers would lash out at me when I dissociated in the classroom. It just seemed like a cruel world. No mother at home to talk to so I had to just deal with it. I still look at groups of any type as something to be avoided. Now I have real difficulty understanding why I would want to be included in anything. I also tend to resent others who have the power to hurt me through further rejection so I avoid joining anything and live in my own world. Then the feelings feed on themselves and grow. It's also not conducive to a good dating life. Never married, no long term relationships, no kids. I wish this information was available 40 years ago. I saw a psychiatrist with 27 years of experience and told her about my childhood. She stopped writing, put down her pen looked at me and said "Wow!" Thanks for the video.
I really liked this video. I have CPTSD and while my relationship with my husband is great, outside of that I feel very disconnected even though I'm friendly to everyone I meet. Once I had a colleague say 'I don't know how you can just go up to people and talk to them.' She had no idea that me touching base with people did not result in friendships but in me knowing little bits about everyone but never really divulging anything about myself. I seem to be an outsider no matter what I do. :)
This has been my whole life since childhood struggling to be part of groups and find a place in the world for myself. I always find myself just looking at life and others as if I am invisible with craving intimacy despite my terrible social and conversation skills
When I was a young girl, I tried to join the women (mother, grandmother, aunts) in the kitchen, to feel part of the "in" crowd. My mother always sent me away, harshly. That dynamic has followed me my entire life. Always with women. I do have one fairly good female friend, however.
Yes!!!! Me too!!
@@lindahall3546 🫂
Same with me. It keeps on happening to me with them from 4 years old to now 35 years old. I wish I could have the persona of being done with it all and strong independent lifestyle. But I'm not, I wish to be loved an have a kind husband who has friendly female family members. It's a shame that I'm a magnet for men who hurt me all the time 😢
Leaves me feeling isolated and alone all the time
@user-vu8pm4dw6d 😔 If it makes you feel any better, my husband's only sister was hateful and non-inclusive to me from Day One. You are not alone. 💕
@@sweetsavour6174 my friend is going through this too. She says that her brothers wife tarnished her marriage and left a negative strain between her and her husband.
Embrace independence and socialize sparingly. Love, respect and connect to animals and nature :)
Attempting to mend old bridges to former friends seems impossible. It's depressing to feel like a stranger and total outsider among the people I once knew. I've changed and made myself a better person, but even 20 years later no one is interested in my apologizes. My only hope of having friends is to make new friends.
This rings so true, my close friends have just said about me “she’s not a joiner” now I’m starting to wonder…that part of starting off well then slowly distancing myself is definitely a habitual pattern.
If you have close friends - plural - then you really don’t need to join anything. The groups I have belonged to have centered around a common interest - gardening, photography, spirituality. It’s much easier to connect with people who share a common interest than to just show up in a group of people who don’t know you from Adam and vice versa. Because I can no longer drive at night I can no longer attend those groups as they are all held in the evening for people who work. I’ve only stayed in touch with most of these people through Facebook and I have only one friend. I’m at the lowest I have ever been.😢
It’s eerie how spot-on this is, especially the part about being an active participant but slowly withdrawing. This happens to new friendship I make. Yes, I was the common denominator but after learning from CCF that my red-flag detector was broke, I learned those people truly were bad for me. I have a small, but strong group of friends now and I’m thankful for that.
I am biracial so I don’t feel a sense of belonging in either half of my racial identity and was bullied by classmates and even a teacher for it. When I go back to my home country, I am snubbed as being too foreign but in the USA I notice when I’m excluded from Caucasian groups. Thankful I found a therapist that actually helps specifically with biracial identity.
Thank you so much CCF for the hard work you put into this channel. Growing up in a home where emotions were not allowed, I didn’t even know the words to express all this. Now I have the vocabulary to explain what happened to me and feel so much less alone.
Anna I am in hiding in a new small town from a death threat from 22 years with a narcissist partner I am suffering with severe spinal fractures and am struggling to pay my utilities (keeping heat level at 55 to keep that utility bill low) and living with bare necessities like just rent no internet, no TV, etc… no car no health insurance etc…I have become paranoid to get out into my new small town and join a church and meet people for fear of small town gossip and my Ex finding me. None of the utilities are in my name and I only work for cash 60 hours a week minimum wage and pay cash for my rent and utilities.
It’s been like this for 2-1/2 years.
To make matters more weird… I am Aspergers and an introvert (INFJ)
I was raised with 7 other kids in server poverty with an alcoholic single mom. (Did lots of John Bradshaw stuff in the 1990’s about shame) thank you again for your free content and keeping your channel fresh.!!!! ❤
Your videos are my way to heal.
I cannot afford your boot camp but wanted to really thank you for your free content. It’s helped me immensely since I found it several months back.
I don't know if you're ware but I was told when I was hiding from my ex that I could change my name and social security number to give. I didn't bother because his godfather was cop and would've found me , though. They don't tell you about it but wanted to tell you it is an option.
This really hit home for me. I never felt part of any group, even if I headed up the group! I always felt that I was too different from everyone else, not at ease with them, not able to make small talk. I’m not comfortable in groups to this day, but do better with just a few close friends.
Joining groups isn’t the only way to nurture yourself. Just having loving people in your life is wonderful too.
Yes, I am older, 70's, no one wants me around especially after a grey divorce recently. It is painful and I know I must just accept it. Everyone I know has ghosted me. I have many interests so I will die totally alone and isolated. No one cares about me at all.
i feel your pain, and I am sure others do too.
CCF is a supportive community. Though you cannot see or hear us, we care about you.
I am in my 60's. My relationship ended abruptly a few months back. I understand that numb, hollowed-out feeling, like you're invisible. Feel much better when I isolate but I try to air out, go hiking, etc., too. Being out in nature helps greatly. Best friend lives in another state but we talk often, it helps. Also have a sweet cat...great company. Hang in there and good luck to you..
I feel this, and just want to say hi. There are lots of mixed up young people around you. Around all of us. . Can you help mentor them?
Life is such a strange process, I just wish you all the best!
I wish we could connect. Be pen pals or something. I’m in my 79s too. I think there are a lot of us older folks who are lonely and alone.
Volunteer.
Step outside your thoughts and donate some of your time snd energy to people who really need some help.
Volunteer to read to kids at the library or at school.
Volunteer to read to or play cards with elders in nursing homes or hospitals. Volunteer for neighborhood clean-ups in your town.
Volunteer to help an elderly neighbor get out to grocery shop or mow their grass or put out / bring in their trash barrels. Volunteer at a local soup kitchen or food pantry.
Volunteer to spend time with abandoned and lonely pets at your local animal shelter.
Unfortunately, your troubles will still be available to pick up again when you choose to address them... but your mind may be clearer for having taken a break from them.
You are truly courageous and have made it so very far in life despite everything that's happened to you... choose to make a positive difference in others' lives... give away some kindness.
You may feel better for having done so...
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I have struggled with every kind of relationship my whole life, I'm middle aged, I know I have CPTSD and was frustrated that I never seemed to "improve" - recently realized I'm neurodivergent mostly in the Social category and that explains a lot. Not an excuse, but it's a good explanation for sure. I don't expect things to turn around, and that's fine. There's a lot of us doing the best that we can.
~Yes, same here!!!~
Not specifically in your case, but just in general, I wonder if people get neurodivergent because of CPTSD. Yeah they can surely occur together but maybe CPTSD induces the process which eventually manifests in neurological abnormalities
I feel out of synch with everything, due to dissociation, unmet needs and more - not matriculating then moving through life “properly”.
Also, with all this “trauma”, our needs are different, and that shows up in groups, maybe most especially.
“Belonging” is essential to one’s emotional and psychological well-being. Essential.
I felt like this all through high school. As an adult I’ve healed and now have no problem fitting in.
I always feel like the outsider, like "they are all connected", but no one includes me.
I always feel like I’m a spectator to life. Sometimes I dip in but ultimately I don’t fit in. Lonely even in a crowd. I’m almost 58 now and wonder if I’ll ever find a tribe.
This! 💯
This is absolutely true for me. Fortunately, I’m totally happy on my own. I just find that I’m uncomfortable around most people. All my relationships are very superficial.
I understand but we need people to live a healthy life. I encourage you to try Connection Bootcamp -- a course Anna developed -- that provides a structured way to start working on friendships and social life. bit.ly/CCF_Connection
Nika@TeamFairy
I just feel you know you do not feel comfortable in a group. You have to be careful not to start people pleasing and disregarding your own needs trying to please others. I love being an introvert. Less drama and stress especially when people dont want to work own their own issues.
We always tend to resonate more with the people who are most like us. The issue is that, if we constantly reject those around us because we don't feel adequate (or we don't feel that THEY are adequate), then the kinds of people we will connect with the most are those who do the same - rejecting us because they have similar views and emotions as we do.
So how do you form a bond of friendship when both you and the other person want to escape from the bond even before it happens?
The answer is, we have to sit with ourselves, get to know ourselves and work on ourselves to heal our hearts. This process has to go hand in hand with going out and searching for a healthy connection. Then, over time, we start to feel like loneliness is no longer something bad, and connecting with someone in a warm and loving way becomes like the icing on the cake. If we can't find that right away, we go on... alone AND happy. There's a concept for ya :)
I think that's how it has to be, because in feeling needy we attract needy people and situations in which we kind of set ourselves up to be choiceless. The choice to walk away and look for other options keeps us centered and confident enough to maintain our boundaries and leave the connections that are not for us.
Yeah that's me Dear Friend, I always feel alone, noone can feel what I feel,
My childhood was amazing. I’m having more trouble with things like this in adulthood. Thank you for sharing!
This is so hard for me at 59yrs...Then the Toxic Positivity can come from some individual's like blood family members that think I'm a cry-baby over something like this gas-lighting me, invalidating me, stonewalling me ....because I don't think Positively.
This explains why I would go to the bathroom on the hundreds of jobs and walk out the door.. since finding your channel you have helped me so much! Mind you I have been in therapy my whole life but no one ever talked about cptsd..I'm at this very place right now in my life in my 50s still terrified of being a part of but needing it so badly! I have been alone without no one to pick me up from hospital or no one to write down in case of emergency. Greatful I found your channel! You are a god sent thanks so very much ❤
One of my resolutions this year is to increase connections. Slowly, but so far so good. Making a few new friends a little at a time.
Yes! I often hear myself wishing i felt like i belonged, somewhere, with someone. In my family, i never felt good enough, and at school i never felt i fit in.
My son recently left the nest(I've been a single parent since he is born) he moved on the other end of the country, lives with my nephew(a 4hour plane ride), to study, and work. My sister lives not too far from him. As proude i am of my son, i feel excluded and left out, like when i grew up. Its only been 8mnths, and inside im very down. 😢
Dont worry, im careful to nevet make him feel guilty, i realise he needs to make his own life, we do not own our children, and he does Not owe me anything. But i do encourage staying in touch regularly. I just keep quite about the sad lonely feelings. At Easter, he and my sister and nephew had Easter day together. I made sure to work so i dont feel the horrible feelings in my heart and gut. 😢😢
I definitely have this. I've even found that by working at companies as a contractor, rather than putting forth effort to be an employee, allowed me to keep coworkers at arm's length. I feel more comfortable being an outsider, yet at the same time, I long for closeness. Thank you for making this video.
Especially outside a group of siblings
Me too ….it’s a drag, but really mine are very wounded and have done 0 work…. I am nurturing healthy, reciprocal friendships …..it’s lonely at times, but at least I’m not being abused
Me too - the family completely fell apart after the death of my grandmother, and my siblings were raised without me.
That’s so heartbreakingly true.😢
I feel like this came just in time. I was just feeling lonely today and how I wanted to make more connections. I've always felt like an outsider whenever part of a group interaction, and I think it stems from growing up in a big family but never feeling included in the time we were together.
Yep I'm 43 and still can't fit in, not even with my kids, I love your knowledge! I pic a loner like me , or someone who would get picked on and make them feel good,
How are your kids if you don'tmind me asking? I worry if I have kids they'll learn bad social skills from me
PRE VERBAL - my neglect goes that far back. I always knew I was a failed home abortion - Love was not forthcoming- my mom has literally no memories of anything in my childhood - I was fifth of five. Im 58 now - there feels like there's no hope - Ive tried everything all my life - Im just tired now and alone.
But you’re here watching so there must be the tiniest glimmer of hope xxxx
Please reach out dear I'm here you're not alone
@@Gyatt12384 Ive tried - hence my name - but Im just sinking further into depression. Once I became disabled family and friends scattered like cockroaches - very hurtful. I do understand that everyone has problems though.
@@edatatu2739 My last connection was with my 22 year old daughter (mind you it was one sided really). My mom passed a month ago - my daughter has not been in touch since and although she is a typical selfish, narcissistic Gen Z - I miss her
All I've ever really wanted was to belong, to be part of something. In the midst of a crowd, im alone. Even a family gathering i usually feel like im on the outside looking in. Conversations swirl around me like I'm not even there. I speak and no one hears.
Twenty eight years of it, and in realizing I've simply integrated alot of the traits, like this one. I've lived all over the country with exception of east coast states, and every place thus far has been the same, a desire to create a board game group and a TTRPG group, and that was the end of that, my conscious desire for involvement ends right there, which in more particular terms meant.... I never had an interest to reach out further... that is no public works, no clubs, no parties, no social November's, no politics. In or about 2010 and again back in 2022 I tried to reach out again to do more charity or volunteer work but psyche couldn't handle it, so yeah. I'm back to my low investment standards of being. I don't tend to step down when peple are capable of directly asking me for the help and I know I'm actually capable, but trying to get involved in large groups is just not happening.
I want a D&D group too. I feel that. I can be with people, but pretend I'm someone else and have fun not being me for a few hours. I think that's why I like fantasy so much -- because it's not real and not me.
And the dragons, of course.
I never felt I had time to listen to this kind of stuff, but now I'm glad I finally have, approaching my 70th birthday. It makes sense. Thank you so much! At least I don't feel so weird, feeling that way. That actually helps me a lot.❤❤
Thank you Anna! I really really need this! I have been alone for years after divorcing a terrible narcissist. No family or friends hurts
They have worked hard to make you look bad so they could take them from you ..
Yes I avoid disregulation. I would like to be more social and "comfortable" in my skin. When I was a teen I had big groups. Now I am keeping that one foot out the door
It's a great one! I am an outlier here...chronic abandonment, and I never pulled away. I, as my therapist said "heal well since I don't avoid, and I also tell the truth, speak my feeling, call things out, etc" ...from childhood to now, 40s. I was left when I died in 2020 and couldn't physically be the person people wanted me to be knew me to be - I was a uniter, the communicator, brought people together. Once I was medically unable to do all that for several years now.....no one has done any of what I did easily (not trying to be 'victim' type but it's reality). I was angry during the lockdowns too because people were so sacred of a virus that they feared people - no reaching out to any one, just them and their fears. Talk about selfish. As a nurse, Christian, woman, HUMAN...I don't bat an eye when some one is in need - friend, family or stranger - doesn't matter. To see people sit home on their devices isolating themselves, it added to my abandonment - they didn't even call. I related to your stint of hospitalizations and no one to even pick you up. With out my parents, I'd have no one. I was a joyful happy soul before I died from multiple toxicities and healthcare medical trauma of neglect. I traveled whether I had people to hang with or not. I met people on the plane, wherever I went! The 'smart' tech replaced humanity for the majority of our depressed, addicted society. When I went off FB, the phone never rang. I refuse to participate in and perpetuate this anti-social identity disorder situation. It's addiction.
This effects me deeply. I've played many roles in groups, often in the inner circle. On the scale, I am more extrovert....so I "need" or want to be with others. But I've had a high level of trauma, and that has gotten harder to cope with as time has passed. Also as me and my friends have aged, things shift, and I am no longer in the inner circle. It's been very painful and triggering. I just recently learned that my consistent, almost obsessive seeming reaching out stems from my extrovertion...not for some other sick need. But because of life, and shifts, and changes, friends don't seem.to reach back as much. I've very slowly learned to be compassionate with myself, and be patient. I do give a little more, but not so much that I'll harbor a resentment. I try to breathe...and meet my own needs as much as I can. This is a very layered and complex issue.
Thank you Anna, really. Your videos have been resonating for around a year now I'd say, and I hardly ever comment on CZcams, but I wanted to let you know that you've helped me tremendously. I'm French and it seems we're a little behing on all these issues here. You've opened my eyes on some wounds I hadn't seen even though I've been to therapy. You have been the start of a deep work I've been doing since, and also sharing with some of my friends who are also grateful for what you share. Keep doing it !
This hit hard..... im glad i watched this vid, even thoigh i cried through all of it. Im so ashamed to even acknowledge to myself that i dont even have anyone to put on my 'in case if emergency ' form for work.
You aren't alone and we're all here to support you :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I have watched many of your videos and so far all have been about things I experienced. I want your book! My brother and I are both trying to recover from abuse. I am 69 yo. I am becoming more aware of the damage and actively do self-work to heal. Your site is a real affirmation of what I am aware of and how I have been working on it.
Thank you for this encouragement...this has been the hardest part of healing C-PTSD for me. I am neurodivergent also which means I get overstimulated easily in loud, bright, busy environments which is where a lot of socializing happens unfortunately. However, I have found ways to connect with people including my weekly community dance class, vending at markets, and meeting with friends one on one. A little at a time things are getting better and less uncomfortable and for that I am grateful!
You're doing a great work! Good luck on your healing journey!
Nika@TeamFairy
Thank you for covering this, Anna. I SO relate to this, painfully so, even at 70 after significant healing. I still much prefer small groups or just one-on-one contacts, over larger group interactions. Especially now that I no longer drink, "parties" ain't NO party for me. I thought for so long that everyone else in various groups had nothing they were ashamed about, felt fraudulent about. I thought everyone else was "normal." Now I wonder how many people DIDN'T endure some degree of neglect or abuse as children.
These days, it's not just about PTSD. Some - perhaps many - of us find ourselves outnumbered and rejected due to social, political and sometimes religious beliefs. It wasn't that long ago when I could participate in a group and it would be about whatever that group came together for (hiking, biking, pickle ball, learning something new, whatever...) but now everyone is sniffing each other to see if they are "safe" to be around ie. same social and political or even health situation views and ideals. It really sucks.
I've listened to so many of your videos. But this one hits the most. 😢❤🥺
you put words to feelings I've had forever
My Tribe of people & my group are you guys commenting here....where we all have something in common & relate with each other
What a wonderful thing to share. Thank you for being a part of our community :)
-Calista@TeamFairy
Out of four children when I heard my mother say, "that kid has to piss again" I didn't put it all together until 57 years later... I remember when we live in a small town in western Montana during my 7th grade year, me looking into the bathroom mirror and hitting myself in the face because I was so disappointed in myself. That same year I was home alone with the mother of us kids while standing in the kitchen, I ask her if I was adopted.
She she no and turned the question into, "Why do ask that?"
I couldn't reply for fear of being shamed. There was no hug.
She told me years later that the reason that I stuttered was, "Showing off"
Non of my family members attended my graduation getting my doctors degree in chiropractic. Or stepped foot into my office.
Edit:Im exposing that behavior.... I'm 67..
Wow, what a powerful message of healing!!! You always read me like a book Anna ❤️❤️❤️ thank you so much for your wisdom, and for giving actionable steps to implement in the real world for our healing ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Thank you CCF, I too have been able to find a lot of healing of my CPTSD and self esteem over the years. That being said , It has taught me to be very considerate as to whom I allow in my life. They must be people who accept me for me . They also have to be very independent and enjoy their alone time as I do. I have been blessed to have a couple such friends and it is marvelous. We are there for eachother in the important times yet we do not crowd eachothers space. They also have CPTSD. We met through comomon interests , not a therepy group. I still cannot and do not do groups. Way too much drama for me.
Wow. So helpful. Hard to hear but spot on! Thank you so much for saying this and making sense out of stuff that’s felt like a painful confusing mystery to me for decades! I hope I can find courage to use this to make needed changes in my life. Thank you
I don’t enjoy being isolated. I live alone. My children are grown. It’s served its point with solitude and healing but I’m looking for my tribe. I’m knocking on the doors looking to find something. Some nice people would be well nice. I say I was treated more nasty by women in AA NA then I was ever in a drug house but I’m going to keep trying. This is hard.
I find most friends I have had in My life have been bitchy. I miss male company think I get on better with men.
@@elipotter369 Most women I have known are like that, even my 3 sisters when they get together, they sit smug knowing they have a partner, even if they don't like them lol I only like men's company if I fancy them otherwise it's like being just out with a woman ( small talk) but as you say when you hit 60s men not really interested in us anymore.
I've found 12 step groups to be a minefield as well...especially AA
@lkd06 I watch a woman on here who goes to AA, and she said the women are not nice to her.
@elipotter369 I have one friend who is OK, but I only see her maybe once every 3 months, she has lots of friends and she is married so she is always busy, I had another friend recently who if we went out she would shout at me over not keeping door open for people, helping people on the bus, I was walking on egg shells with her so i finished the friendship, blocked her.
Recently realized I'm codependent and a fearful avoidant and I'm so thankful for having so much knowledgeable tools such as your channel as resources. ❤hoping to heal my abandonment and neglect wounds!
Glad you are here!
Nika@TeamFairy
Thank you for this. Struggling with this at work, but still think it’s the others. Got a few close coworkers, but that’s all. And I’m ok with it. 🤣😊
Near the end you say "Inclusion is imoprtant for development of intellect, spirit, maturity...to the blossoming of your whole being into becoming yourself." If that doesn't explain me! I've been on a healing journey for 15+ years and keep coming back to LACK of inclusion in my family of origin... at least lack of TRUE inclusion. I praise God to leading me to some others who DO help me feel included and acceot and love me even though I really don't have that sense of self or feel intellectually mature...people who encourage me to seek solutions while accepting me right where I am. At 59 it's a hard pill to swallow some days that I have lived this long without a sense of self, but I keep trying to heal and grow. Being stuck (which I was for 40+ years of my life) sucks!!!
Yep. I procrastinate about joining groups.
Wow thinking back it seemed to have started when I was young. I didn’t like the kids church group and didn’t want birthday parties. My mom forced me to have a party at 10 years old and I was miserable and couldn’t wait for everyone to leave lol.
I’m also an introvert but now I think it was both contributing as factors.
This describes me completely. Now I know why I've always felt like an outsider.
Glad you are here.
Nika@TeamFairy
Thanks Anna. I have had periods of isolation but I've managed to find my way out. Recently retired and felt big-time isolation that I felt too lost to come out of. Your videos have really helped me to see why I've "ended up" where I have. This video is great. I've started back to 12-step meetings, and the connection has made a huge difference. I have a ways to go but I'm starting to feel less weird, and more like I'm coming back to the land of the living. You're speaking my language. Thank you so much.😊
Wonderful! Thank you for sharing such a good news! It's a real encouragement for other folks in our community here. Keep up the great work!
Nika@TeamFairy
Thank you Anna. I always feel better and more hopeful after watching your videos 🥰
I'm so glad!
Oh yes, when friends are sick or having a crisis, I stop what I am doing, take flowers or homemade food, send a note etc. I don’t do it for the “show of caring”. I really feel for them. Yet I have had a few true medical emergencies, and was actually stunned at the lack of any response from friends and family.
I still acknowledge people in crisis, but I don’t stop my life to help.
And I don’t dwell on lack of acknowledgement from family and friends for when I need caring.
This makes me feel outside of the circle, but it also doesn’t drain me of my energy.
My bubble is my favorite location but the truth and change is very much needed…❤