Best Man's Toast

at James and Christine's wedding, Robbie, the best man, had an amazing speech to deliver at the reception. Instead of taking my advice and hitting the booze AFTER his turn to speak, he proceeded to get fall-down drunk immediately.
his speech, carefully printed and edited, included direction on who to look at and when to pause for laughter. All these precautions were nothing compared to the massive amount of alcohol consumed prior to taking the mic.
Please find the original text to the speech printed below. Follow along and enjoy! (smiley faces indicated pause for laughter)
===
(to the audience)
Much of the formality of a wedding focuses on the bride -- The dress, the bridesmaids, did she cry? who caught the bouquet? all that good stuff. Even though the actual ceremony is over, here's my turn to participate in today's wedding traditions.

(to James and Christine)
I'm actually really flattered to be standing here right now to deliver my speech to you both, in front of all your loved ones.
(to audience)
I've never done this before, so I went looking for a little help when I read somewhere that this toast is one of the four most important traditions of a wedding. (I got beat out by the open bar.) :-)

I was originally planning on roasting James with some help from his friends who are here tonight, but luckily James does a good enough job embarrassing himself so I don't have to. :-) I have decided, instead, to start a new wedding tradition -- I'm here to give away the groom to his new bride.

As guys, his friends and I know that James is now officially off the "active-duty" list. He doesn't belong to us anymore officially.

(to James and Christine)
Christine, just like you took James to have & to hold, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, so he can always take care of you and make it his responsibility to make you happy, I'm giving James away to you tonight for a lot of the same reasons.
You are charged with looking out for him, Christine, because you saw at the engagement party what happens when you leave him in our hands. :-)
And I also don't have to worry about you making him happy because in all the years Ive known him; I have never seen him so content. I've also never seen him so sure of anything in his life as he is sure of his decision to spend the rest of his life with you, Christine. You're definitely a step-up from the rest of us hes been spending his life with. :-)
I can honestly say that I cannot think of a single person who could tolerate my brother as long as you have.
Samuel Taylor Coleridge summed it up best with:
Where true Love burns, Desire is Loves pure flame.
It is the reflex of our earthly frame,
That takes its meaning from the nobler part
And but translates the language of the heart.
(address the audience, lift your glass)
With that, I'd like to invite everyone to lift your glasses high and join me in toasting our congratulations to our bride and groom. These two are definitely meant to be together.
(to James and Christine)
Its about time, you two! And I am honored to be here to celebrate the beginning of the next chapter of your lives together."

[@BLSmallville21]

I hate Robbie Martin