I lost money when I got married [CC]
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- čas přidán 5. 09. 2019
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Thank you so much for watching and for being such an amazingly supportive online family. Please share your stories too
This is one of the reasons I'm single at nearly 52. The other is that I have never had the chance of a full-on adult relationship. No-one has accepted my offer of love since 1987, despite asking several women out. I even went to the wedding of one! 🤦I feel like a non-human.😭
Thank you so much for talking about this, Jessica. I just graduated from college, and I'm on temporary disability. I've been dealing with a lot of anxiety, having recently lost a job, and it seems as though my medical conditions are becoming worse over time. The majority of people don't understand how much disabled people contribute to the economy, whether it be through working, or paying for medications. It takes so much more energy for disabled people to keep themselves alive, let alone hand out CVs or put themselves through post secondary education. I'm so grateful for the time and energy you put into these videos. You do such a great job of combatting ableist rhetoric by sharing your own experience.
No
What song did you use in the little montage at the beginning
A friend in the u.s. His wife who he had dated for years. They can't be legally married since she'd lose the insurance coverage that's keeping her alive. She's had about 2 major, and 12 micro (or actual term) strokes since 10 years ago. the 2 major she was able to regain full mobility except a minor limp and a slight numbness to the left side of the mouth. the 12 others were more nuisances that she was able to be mobile from again a couple weeks after each.
The strokes are genetic and guaranteed lifelong without proper medicine. even then she's still at risk
Oh.. and in order for the insurance to not discover she's "married" she has to live with her parents. while the husband has to at least pretend to live 2 houses down.
The DWP: "It is your responsibility to be a financial burden on your partner!"
You should add a shirt with "Polite British Rage" on it to your merch
Ooooh, I second this idea!
omg yessss
I HAVE A POWERFUL NEED FOR THIS NOW!
I'm not even British and I'd buy that shirt!
I want it!
I made the mistake of posting on a money advice forum, asking what the best thing to do was when moving in with my husband, in terms of keeping as much of my disability benefit as possible. Full time work for him wasn't really an option since he cares for me which is like a full time job in itself. I was called a parasite and told I was trying to "screw the system for what I could get" and that he should be the one providing for me. I ended up getting so much abuse I asked a mod to delete my post. In the end we worked out that we were much better off financially if he worked less than 24 hours a week and I only lost part of my ESA and none of my PIP. People who have never had to deal with disability have no idea, lucky for them. It makes me sick that people can say the things they do though.
It's always the people who have no idea what it's like who speak like that.
I am so sorry for how they treated you.
I'm so sorry for how they treated you.
Yeah, I guess they expected him to work two jobs and pay someone else to take care of you so that you never see each other. I mean, why even get married? It's like they missed the part where you explained why he can't work full time...
People can be so terrible when they don’t understand something. They assume things as well. I was my son’s father 24 hour a day care giver while being a full time mom and holding down a part time job. All while being denied for any assistance other than a few hundred dollars in the form of a food allowance (for a family of 5 was about 1 week of food a month). There was no way I could work more than that 25 hours a week and if I had, my home would be a disaster and my kids would not be taken care of. I’m so sorry that people spoke to you like that. It’s so sad.
I was a full-time caregiver for my grandmother with Alzheimer’s. She had terrible insomnia and wouldn’t sleep at night and instead catnapped around the clock. She was also paranoid and needed constant reassurance and monitoring so she wouldn’t wander. Anyone who says someone can be a full time caregiver of a profoundly disabled person and also work is nuts. I was so tired that I felt drunk - I was stumbly, had terrible memory recall, terrible coordination, and was highly emotional. Sleeping less than two hours a night will do that to you lol. I didn’t feel like it was safe for me to drive but I still had to work some nights and weekends to supplement our income because Alzheimer’s isn’t considered a “disability” per se, she only got SSA which was $900 a month. Her rent alone was $700 so that’s $200 left for utilities, food, medical costs, etc. Didn’t cut it without a second income.
My grandmother was an awesome lady and I cared for her full time for three years. My own health suffered horribly. Had I had financial assistance or a carer provided, I’d be so much healthier and (although I tried my very best) my grandmother would’ve received better care. People who say you’re lazy or a mooch are ignorant asses who have never been in your situation, I can guarantee it.
I was homeless for 18 months and was literally told that the only way I would qualify for any assistance other than food stamps was to get pregnant.
Damn that’s messed up. That help no one??
That’s insanity!
...our world is so broken. :(
Sad but true. Even though I paid $275/month in rent (didn't include utilities) and only made $350/month working 2 part time retail jobs I couldn't get food stamps. The worker actually told me if I came back the next day and said I was pregnant they could help me. I'm sorry, I don't lie about such important things. I began volunteering at a farmers market cleaning to get the damaged produce.
Yes. I had a roommate come home after seeking services as a college student having a hard time finding work. She was furious because they told her the same thing. We both lost it about how nonsensical the whole system was. I was getting a degree in human services and decided from there to go on to public policy. I understood you can do piddly as a social worker. Just processing the stupidity of the system like a dog for no pay. You are completely aware that what you're doing is is useless and unethical. I may have just fallen in love with this woman myself for how gracefully she expressed a truth no one talks about.
When she said " I knew I was safe with her" my heart exploded 😭😭😭
Same! 💕💕💕💕💕
When she said "smile-scream", my lungs exploded
🤣 😂 🤣
RIGHT AAAAHHH
Yes. This is everything to me. I remember my sister telling me, “you just seem so much more relaxed and happier with [my husband].” And I did, and am. Because I feel safe. And I trust him with my safety when I am incapacitated.
This is the gay content we subscribed for
S A M E
S
A
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That it is
I didn’t know this amazing youtuber was gay but I have so happy to know she is
Not only gay, but gay disabled socialist content. I'm absolutely loving this! And yeah, welfare for disabled people sounds crappy even in the UK. I shudder to think how it is in Brazil.
All the content is good on this channel, but the lovey-dovey sweet couples stuff is so heartwarming and precious!
"I can buy socks whenever I want" why did this make me tear up
This should not be such a luxury ... ilysm, please get more ads we can watch so we can help. Adore you 🖤🖤🖤
The perpetuation of poverty amongst the disabled population is is abhorrent, thank you so much for enlightening people to this issue!
On a similar note, non- disabled partner are often seen by the government as a replacement for a carer, meaning that your romantic partner is now going to be expected to feed, dress, clean up after etc you. Not only is this an unfair burden on the able bodied person but now the professional quality care of a carer is replaced with someone who has probably never changed a catch bag, taken blood, washed a full grown immobile adult etc
It probably also makes starting a relationship harder for the disabled person.
If you're going on a date and have to break to the other one that if you two would become a serious thing, they are expected to be your nurse as well as your lover.
I can see some people feeling overwhelmed with that. For example, if they also struggle with health issues and don't think they are up to the task.
The disabled have also been seen as a burden for a long time. However there were also laws concerning the disabled too, like the Elizabethian Poor Laws. I learned about them and how they influenced how the disabled were to be taken care of. They actually influenced the U.S. too btw fyi.
Becoming my ex husband's carer after he was stricken by a long-term illness was the death knell of our marriage. He was still one of my best friends and we still loved each other, but when you've had to be responsible for caring for someone like a child, dressing bedsores, monitoring them while they shower, monitoring their medication, doing all of their paperwork when they're hospitalised... this kills the romantic love. We may have been able to struggle our way back, but in order for him to get any independence (e.g. healthcare card to cover the cost of his prescriptions and reduce public transport costs, disability pension so he had his own money coming in) we had to get formally divorced, and that just drove the wedge further.
Disability benefits should not be means tested, and should not be reliant on the partner's income. We were "lucky" in that I earned enough to mostly cover our food, essential bills and the house payments, but I was drowning in credit card debt that we needed to run up to cover other things like essential repairs and bills for times when I was ill (because caring for him ate all of my personal sick leave allowances), and I am still paying off to this day, and he died nearly three years ago.
@@Cheesecakethulhu That's horrible. :(
I'm so sorry that you had to go through all of this.
When you said about having to get divorced only to be able to survive financially... This is all so fucked up!
I mentioned once on a reddit thread ths exact sentiment and people had downvoted and argued with me in disagreement. I'm disabled too and I wouldn't ever want to be thought of as a burden or spread that idea but it seems like many people do not understand that partners and spouse *should not* be forced to also be homecare attendants.
I'm in the most expensive city in the US and honestly, the SSI benefits are a joke. I thought it would make it easier but I didn't know how low it was, and that it meant I can't ever get married.
"and I need to smile-scream my way through it" that is the biggest mood
Story of my life! Smile-screaming my way through!
Well, then I am super glad that I found your channel. I'm a white, fully able-bodied, heterosexual, married, mom of 2. I'm as priveledged as it gets (well, I could be a man I suppose), but care deeply about social inequities. I found your channel by accident (erm...algorithm) and am hooked. Love your show. Love what you do and am super glad that it contributes to your financial independence.
Thanks for mentioning abuse + dependency issues in relationships. Just wanted to say I was reliant on a partner in a DV relationship for food, housing, transportation, access to professionals, etc, and literally had to choose between another abuse situation (family of origin, bad enough that I chose DV instead) or homelessness when I left. This is not unusual at all--I know so many disabled people who are waiting for benefits, were denied benefits, or simply cannot live on a disability income, and their only source of housing (or home care, or food, or...) is an abuser. Having had the experiences I've had, I would greatly fear getting married to /anyone/ (even if they seemed wonderful--thanks PTSD), because chopping my income for a partner feels far too dangerous. It definitely feels as though the government does not care what happens to disabled people as long as we're handed off to someone, anyone else, and someone else's responsibility.
My sister is very disabled. She is non verbal and immobile. The American benefits system is GARBAGE. My mom has to fight so hard to get any help what so ever.
truth and it's a crying shame because the most vulnerable people are the ones that suffer the most as a result
Because our government is too busy paying illegal criminals. It's so sad to see so many struggling mothers, fathers, children because of our government not putting them first :(
@@tatiana-pl6rg > our government is too busy paying illegal criminals
Yeah, it really galls me that the government is using my tax dollars to pay the current administration (with by far the highest conviction rate of administration members and turnover-due-to-criminal-investigation EVER) to tear the country apart. That money could be so much better spent.
All of America's systems are garbage
The truth is the American government has enough money to take care of both of those issues, along with plenty more. Your anger is aimed at the wrong people. Don’t be angry with immigrants or migrants asking for asylum- it’s the government’s priorities that’s the problem. It’s unfortunate the American government prioritizes unnecessarily high military and defense spending over the well-being of its citizens. There is enough money for most of the issues going on. It’s not necessary to have $700+ billion in military- you’re not even at war.
"Now I can buy my own socks"
Dobby is freee
Freeeeee
master has presented Dobby with a sock Dobby is freeee
OK. Now that's funny!
It didn't work that way ;)
I'm in the us and know many disabled people who were completely cut off their disability when they got married. I guess if your spouse is a millionaire I could understand that but not when they make 30,000$ year. It's so wrong.
My family friend had hers completely taken away because she married a man who works at Walmart as a cashier😒
and even if your spouse is a millionaire, should they decide to be an abusive person, they disabled person is trapped
Why am I not getting ads? Let me watch more ads so you can shower in the moneyyyyyy
Same! I have no money, I can watch adverts all day and they're not going to make the slightest difference to my spending non-choices. I want the content creators who make my life more bearable to be well paid for that!
@@AngDavies damn that still happens? I thought humanity got over it..
I get too many ads and this triggers my anger issues so much...
“Spoiler alert: I’m still alive.” Love it!🥰
Future T-shirt slogan.
*Me every time Jessica mentions Claudia* : where do I get myself a Claudia??
I want one too, but I'd prefer a Claude.
Do they come in male too?
@@EmelieA I think mine might have been born on another planet. :(
They're like shiny pokémon. They are rare and you gotta look for them.
😊😊😀😀
I met mine during NaNoWriMo
I just quickly checked with an inflation calculator, $3000 in 1989 is equivalent to $6226 in 2019...jesus
This rule infuriates me! Like, the whole "American dream" is to build generational wealth and you literally can't have excess money, ever. Save for a down payment? Not if you want to keep your disability. Buy a car that isn't a used piece of junk? Not if you want to keep your disability check. It's crafted on purpose to keep the disabled in poverty and dependant on abled persons.
@@InThisEssayIWill... I think the idea is that after a certain income people don't need to "burden" the system because they would make too much. For instance if you're making 1 million a year you really don't need disability payments. However, as usual, American social securities system makes people get off the train miles from the station.
The Australian government also has a $3000 asset rule, for both carers and the disabled. And they will do random secret checks with your bank to make sure you don’t have any money. If you do, you’re immediately cut off.
And it’s extremely difficult to get a disability pension- the current rejection rate is between 75%- 80%. Also, while everyone else on benefits got extra Covid assistance (an extra $550 per fortnight), the disabled, carers and the elderly didn’t. Of course.
I was forced to live separately from my longtime boyfriend for three years when my housing certificate came in. He was not working at the time but had not applied for disability because of the stigma of mental illness. We married on the 20th anniversary of our first date and he moved in. Unfortunately he lost his battle with bipolar disorder and passed away four years later. I now live alone and realize that the chances of finding a partner willing to “take me on” as a physical and financial burden are not good. Still have hope but I’m not putting money on that bet.
As a gay disabled person who grew up able enough to sort of limp my way through life then got hit by a truck, this video kinda punched me in the face because I ended up having to make the decision to not get married, because my partner cannot make enough to support both of us and it doesn't feel fair to make them.
The system is designed to kill us off quietly while everyone looks away.
Mf*ckin agreed. I have MS and I identify with everyone here suffering the same obstacles- penalized for existing
@Lesbian Amazon Sister Thank you for your kind words. :)
@@kitkat9973 I'm so sorry you have to suffer this too. I find myself weeping often when able-bodied people so much as listen to the reality of my struggles because so often the phrase "I am disabled" is followed by "no you aren't, you just walk with a cane".
Why do able-bodied people think mobility devices are fashion statements? Like fuck people, don't you think I miss using my other hand?
Also the concept that I'm not disabled "just because" my spine can separate from my pelvis if the disc and joints surrounding my L5 swell too much and i will instantly slam to the floor paralyzed is wild!
These people are all drunk on inspiration porn and they think it means they are the arbiters of our fate wrt whether we're existing exploitably enough aka allowed to continue existing.
Really sucks. Or just say no to marriagr
@@takutolovex What does "say no to marriage" mean?
okay but that hair lipstick pearl necklace and black dress.. I'm not going to be over this Look anytime soon wow
Antoinette Lunaree Me neither
same
btw czcams.com/video/l70FGwcm-E0/video.html I think this song first Jessica idk it's really cute 💕
I have a disabled friend who would love to marry her long-time girlfriend, who is also disabled. But as you stated, they will both lose a good chunk of their disability benefits if they do so. Let’s face it. Whether it is here, in America, or there in the UK or just about anywhere in the world (I am guessing), the system is most definitely rigged against those of us who are disabled. One reason I stopped dating is because I am 47 and don’t want to feel like I am being a burden on a potential love interest. How would I explain to the man I start dating that in 5 or 10 years, he may be needing to take full-time care of me, or waste hard earned money on my medical needs, and still expect him to stick around? I worry about that every day. It is stupid really. But if benefits for the disabled where better, perhaps I wouldn’t feel that way. That is why it always makes me happy when I see another disabled person who finds love and doesn’t let their disabilities impede them. And why it saddens me that my friend and her girlfriend feel they can’t marry because they simply can’t afford to lose those precious few benefits they have.
So basically they expect two people to live on the income of one person, as if it was even enough to begin with. So assenine.
@@BrokebutCreative Yup. And you are correct. It is most definitely asinine.
There was a boy that worked in a store with me as a bagger. He was legally blind but pretty much completely blind. He also had bad diabetes. Government wouldn't give him anything as they claim he is perfectly well enough to support himself. He hurt his hands every day bc the moving belt would make the groceries hit his hands(sometimes metal cans and watermelons) since he couldn't see them coming. He would have to touch them to determine if the items go together in a bag. He never complained but I think it's so unfair.
@Lesbian Amazon Sister his mother recently send him into an institute for blind ppl to learn how to live on his own bc they want him to move out. I wish I could help him but idk how.
Having more than 1 disabled person in your family effectively means you're screwed backwards and forwards for life. My mom and brother were disabled, but they were treated as separate cases. All the SSI people saw was that my dad made 60K (USD) a year. They never took into consideration the fact that he was supporting not only my sister and I, but TWO DIFFERENT disabled people. So yeah, America's healthcare/assistance programs are a complete dumpster fire.
Tbh, especially as a gay disabled person myself, you guys are relationship GOALS
I was diagnosed with scoliosis kyphosis when I was about ten, it took until I was twelve for my mother to convince the u.s. government I was disabled. I am now in my forties with other disabilities and there isn't a day that goes by where I'm not asking, "Why? Just, why?" When it comes to our government programs. For example, the cost of living increase for this year, 2021, was in my case, $11. My anglophile heart is honestly disappointed to learn Britain's isn't much better.
I am so happy to see you discussing this! I've been in a personal hell for the past three months trying to decide what to do. I am in a loving relationship and we really want to live together but I will lose the majority of my income. I dread being a disabled burden on my partner even though he is kind and loving and honestly doesn't care. He would happily financially support me - but I fought the UK government for years to prove my illness and gain my independence, so now I'm torn on what to do. It feels so dehumanizing and I've really been struggling with it.
I'm in the US and my husband and I had to wait 6 months after our wedding to actually sign our marriage license because I found out I'd be losing my gov subsidized health insurance completely once we got legally married. His insurance through work costs $600/month and the copays are still around $70 each doctors visit and uh, I see a LOT of doctors. In short, it's costing us over $1,000 more a month to be married, and the government says it my own damn fault for marrying someone as a disabled person. So that's nice.
Also thank you for making this video!! The cultural stigma around being disabled in the US had me thinking many terrible things about myself. You've really opened my eyes to my own human rights, and I really appreciate it
It's like saying people with an illness don't deserve to have a relationship!
On the flip side, in Kenya we are less equal as PWDs and receive no benefit in and out of marriage. It sucks either way down here 😔. Dehumanising sucks
I'd like to add, if you don't qualify for federal disability, getting married can cost you ALL of your SSI (since it's needs based), including your health insurance, even if you don't have replacement insurance. Basically, if your spouse makes too much, and you don't get married in a way where you can swiftly be put onto their health insurance (marriage usually means you can apply outside of enrollment dates but not always), you're out of luck. No healthcare for you! Also, you can be disabled when you are too young to qualify for federal disability as an adult but too old to qualify as a child (you need 10 years work history and it's not physically possible for me to have that), this is basically punishing me for being simultaneously too old and too young when I got sick. I will only ever be able to qualify for state disability unless this is changed.
Immediately bought a mug after this video. I love knowing that my purchase could help you pay for a date night with Claudia. Starter course on me!
Imagine being this cute of a couple
Those are some of the most beautiful wedding photos. I started to tear up.
If Jess actually ends up presenting history programmes I will scream
John Stoll she needs her own floor laying down camera and a whole script to do her own documentary about living with what she has and how much it challenges her and how she works around it and then... floor interviews with people also laying on the floor being interviewed on whatever topic interests her.
I know these sitting up videos are super taxing and she has to put out the majority of her “spoons”. I appreciate this format tho bc it’s free and accessible.
Yes, the huge cost of being disabled..... People think I 'swan' around in taxis because I must be rolling in it. I cannot drive, can no longer use buses as I can't get on or off them so I budget minutely so I can afford taxis for the essential needs or joys in my life. It can be lonely in the strange decisions I need to negotiate. Like how long can I stay in a friend's house because their loo is upstairs and I can't get there.
Buses should be made accessible for disabled people >: (
@@miriamkorver1443 there are busses, at least here in the US, with a "kneeling" design or a ramp built in. this makes them level with the curb. That limits some of the issues regarding busses, but a sometimes bigger issue is that some of the larger bus stops in my city are up to about half a block long and can hold 4 busses, each which wait possibly a minute, maybe up to two, before taking off for the next stop. If you're someone who cannot walk quickly or even jog, getting to the correct bus could be a huge issue and cause you to miss the bus even if they're accessible to get on to. And trust me, that bus is not going to wait. Going out and about with a friend with limited mobility landed me with a bus driver being rude when i asked them to wait a moment for my friend to walk about a quarter block to get to the door. They also tend to take off before you're fully seated if you don't have a wheelchair to strap in, which can even throw me off balance and I don't have limited mobility in any way.
Unless you live in a city or a very large town, you don't have access to public transportations, especially if you can't pay for a taxi to come from an hour away from a city that has one, to pick you up. Then again, taxis aren't really easily accessible to someone who is in a wheelchair.
@@user-be8bm2rd5l I noticed the same thing with trains. The train at the station in my town only has the doors opened for 20 seconds. I have no idea how a person using a wheelchair would get in, in such a short time.
I can’t drive due to chronic pain and I don’t have money for cabs, the government doesn’t help you see friends and my friends are lovely but also adults and busy, and it’s embarrassing to be 35 and asking for rides
Loving the polite rage! I'm one of those people who can't work, but my husband makes "too much" for me to get any benefits. I am so very lucky that his work is able to provide for both of us. Really the only reason why is because he's in the military. He was only going to do 4 years, but when we realized I may never be able to work, he made the decision to do 20 years. That way when he gets out, we will always have that retirement pay and some benefits to help us not become homeless. Honestly without the insurance that the military provides me as a dependent, I'd be up shit creek for sure. But when he's gone (half the time so far in our 12 years married and in the military) I struggle just to take care of myself. I'm not "sick enough" to get a home care worker or any other benefits the military could provide me, basically because I'm able to get out of bed, and function maybe a quarter of the time.
Though fun fact, I'm socially labeled as what they call a "Dependa" in US military culture aka "dependapotamus". A Dependa is what they call spouses of a military person who don't work (or "contribute") and just "leech" of their husband's military pay and benefits. They're heavily looked down on and judged, and there are jokes and memes about it everywhere. IMO it's meant to be a label meant for toxic spouses who could work but decide not to, who have a very entitled and egotistical attitude, and insist their spouse's rank is also their rank and should be treated as such. But I get lumped into that label because I'm disabled ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
"becoming lucy worsley" is a very relatable career goal
Use of camera B in this video is spot on. love it. great video per usual.
Oh my god... This is so terrible! Why are no MPs talking about this?
Oh yeah... They're too busy arguing about pointless squabbles, rather than people's livelihoods
They're too busy voting AGAINST every measure designed to help us.
Not enough disabled people to help a politicians re-election chances and disabled people don't turn out as much anyway (you know, they're disabled)
@@rydohg We can vote by post.
@@ChrisPage68 Oh, we can't vote by mail in in my state (in the US) but I guess you Brits can.
You’ll find the vast majority of MPs are of the belief that “the poor must suffer what they must” as sort of an example that they’re meant to be at the top of the food chain and it suits them. You’ll find both New Labour and Tories votes roughly for the same welfare policies against the best interests of us disabled people, with Yvette Cooper introducing the WCA in 2009 and IDS just turned the dial all the way up on the “how do we get rid of as many poors as we can” dial.
Frankly many people believe poor and disabled people deserve their disability for “punishment in this life, heaven in the next life” or some bollocks, I know I’ve had it said to me by people of many different faiths.
This is so bloody important. No one talking about the disability tax. In all of its ugly side xxxxxxxx
Thank you for sharing your story and congrats on your anniversary!
I am American, and I grew up below the poverty line in my state. Our income was less than $15,000 per year, before taxes. We were a family of 3, and yet, we did not consistently qualify for benefits. Since my mother's income varied by sometimes as much as $300 each month, and the way it used to be (late 90's early 2000s) was that if the family income varied more than about $150, pay-stubs from that month would have to be submitted, to determine the benefits for the next month...... So my mom would work most of November, so we wouldn't qualify for December though she could only work 5-10 days of that month, but we would then qualify in January. It was the worst in the early summer, since the schools let out in May/June. She would work as many days as she could in May, but in June, she wouldn't have any work and we wouldn't qualify for any assistance... usually she would budget for the tax return to keep us alive every summer.
Oh my goodness, I make snarky jokes about me (a woman) being ‘property’ in other decades to my partner... but a lot of these income issues sound like they make you legally property (of your parents, then partner?!) because society doesn’t fit or accommodate your body or existence? Humans being property... was never right or wise. Didn’t we already figure this out oh maybe many many times?! Thank you for sharing as always, very helpful to hear perspectives that can engender empathy especially when making voting decisions.
Lesbian Amazon Sister definitely something to keep in mind and work on.
We can't buy a house cos the day I married my husband his finance ability was cut in half because I'm too disabled to work but "not sick enough" for the Australian disability pension.
So I have no form of income and am classed as a dependent (literally like my husbands child) and therefore we can't buy a house 🎉
Centerlink sucks, I feel you there...
I live in the USA. I remember back when my boys where just tiny and I was a stay at home mom because working would have pointless with the cost of dating care. My husband had a really good job, but still we were forced to sometimes pick between eating or paying bills. We applied for food stamps and we made $10 too much to qualify. It was heart breaking.
Years ago, when I was still able to work a bit, I had to ask my boss to cut my hours by 1 hour a week; I had recently gotten a very tiny raise, and was going to be making a tad under $100 too much a YEAR to keep my medical benefits. You know, the benefits that paid for the treatments that allowed me to work at all in the first place. Thankfully, he accommodated me. I mean, I know there has to be a cutoff level SOMEWHERE, but...ugh.
I remember those days. I would have brought home $90 a month and I was making $900 back in ‚93 when my first was born. And now I’m on SSDI and can’t afford anything.
You'd think there would be a gradient where maybe you'd get a little less aid instead of a hard cut off.
My partner will be penalized when we get married as well, and we live in America. I'll never understand why they think someone should lose the ability to help contribute to their household. And it's an even bigger deal to us because we live in California, and it is expensive. We are probably going to have to relocate because we won't be able to afford the area that we live in after we are married.
Similar for us. We are having to stay unmarried and b/c my partner has had to go on disability we are in danger of losing our house b/c of the high cost of living here (near Seattle) not matching the benefits and some not even being available to her b/c her social security disability is some amount (not enough) for her not to qualify and she "might qualify in two years" or some such crap. It's all crap. Where are you guys going to move? We were talking about that also and I want to be sure the area if we do have to move has support for disabled people and I'm not trapped away from a hospital, away from good docs and out of range of possible ride support.
A word of advice, states with lower costs of living may sound like a better way to go, but they also come with unintended consequences. Including lower benefit amounts, few if any supportive services, and less legal protections for LGBTQ and/or disabled people. two friends moved out of state, and the husband (who had a job and supported his partner) was let go after his employer found out he was gay, and they lost everything.
@@antoniomromo yikes, that is terrible and good to know
@Cerulean Skigh this is payroll funded and so if someone has not had an income recently it might be problematic as you need a sufficient number of work credits to qualify and it is only available to those that qualify as low income
In nz you don’t even have to be actually married just a couple.
The UK "welfare" state: if your disability doesn't include suicidal thoughts, it soon will!
I'm sorry you've had to go through Tory shittiness too. I am very glad you have lovely Claudia now and that she's worth more than every penny ❤️
The saddest thing to me is that when my boyfriend met me, he said the one thing he didn't understand was my suicidal ideation I'd had since forever. He did his best to support me through it, but didn't understand it as he always felt like there must be something to live for. During the time he's been caring for me and having dealings with the "welfare" system with me/on my behalf, its left him understanding where I was coming from. So stressed that he himself was feeling stuff is pointless. And he's not even the one trying to make the claims for help!
It makes me sick that people who are chronically ill are treated with such a lack of true care. I’m so inspired by you, Jessica. I can’t believe you’ve come so far given how many just awful set backs there were x
It’s so hard to get help for disability in Canada. As a student I’ve had to apply for so much help and been rejected for ridiculously specific reasons, like I’m just under the line for mobility. There are so few grants and sooo much paperwork in order to apply for the waiting list to be considered for the waiting list for disability aid. I have a working memory LD, I am literally unable to do complicated paperwork on my own. I’m in the fucking system and it’s still so hard to get help!, why does the government make it so harder for those who already have an incredibly difficult time. It’s exhausting. I have another disability but I can’t remember the name of it right now which is honestly part of the problem. Also with depression and bipolar I’m constantly undermined for being irrational for seeking aid. Why do I even try
I'm on disability in Canada and it's the same. I even ended up in an abusive relationship that was made worse because I had to depend on him for any money at all, including to pay for medicines.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that, that sounds like a terrible situation
That is absolutely awful! It's so unfair that they do this to people, as Jessica said disabled people are much more likely to suffer abuse and this makes it SO much worse!!
@Lana Joy Like I told my case worker, friends, loved ones, and local politicians: Having financial support cut is devastating enough, especially with medical costs to cover. But cutting off my medical and dental insurance because my ex made $60k/year was really just ensuring that I suffer. His benefits wouldn't cover me because we weren't considered a couple yet (even tho military is government and so was my benefits, just that neither of them would cover me) and I ended up stopping medications.
Then when I tried to leave, I couldn't get help to leave. Employment supports wanted me to volunteer somewhere instead of earning money, so I went and suffered through a job for 3 months to get out of the house.
I had to work so hard to get away that my health collapsed, I had a mental breakdown, and my kid needed counselling.
The government wants people like me dead.
Shame on Canada.
☹️ how are things now, if that’s not too personal?
@@MissBee13 I've been living with a single dad, keeping house and being a nanny to his daughter.
I basically have resigned myself to just being subservient with no rights. My boyfriend of 3 years is planning to build a house with our own separate areas so my benefits dont get cut off. I've learned my lesson the hard way!
I’m glad we’re talking about how these laws where disabled people lose benefits are de facto eugenics
Oh my gosh, as a blind person from the USA, let me say, YOU NAILED IT
OMG, I could write a book about the abuses of pretty-much everything you talked about! I lost my house (due to a shady ex best-friend, another time for this story) and was basically forced to go live with my present boyfriend at the time. They, the U.S. government cut my benefits in half, even though i still had to pay my own way. I was living on $450.00 U.S. dollars a month---since my meds at that time were over $4k a month, yea, do the math. Anyway, after 13 years of being clean and sober, he wasn't and became extremely abusive to the point where he was arrested for planning to murder me and put me in the woods for the coyotes to get rid of the evidence. I was told I had 14 days before they let him out if he got bail. Sooooo, I had borrowed twenty-thousand dollars and went searching for a home. 20k buys you a dirt floor, even in the boondoggle of Maine. I did find a home but the roof leaked, no insulation under the house (yes, much fun when it is minus 20 degrees Fahrenheit in the winter, one wall heater, and NO indoor plumbing. Such fun when you can barely get out of bed in the morning. I was "promised" that if I MOVED there, our lovely government had programs to help me get water and repair the home. Three years later, much sicker due to having to cut and split 7 to 8 cords of wood for heat, travelling 30 miles round-trip into the woods to get gallons of water weekly----getting jumped by a bobcat, ran-off by a momma bear i didnt see until almost too late, and being charged by a 1500 pound bull moose later----i STILL have no help whatsoever. He wound up spending less than 6 months in jail on a three year sentence and when he got out, the Judge, accidentally read off my new address. Once he realized what he had done, he told my ex "forget you heard that!" Yea, that worked. He has hunted me down and I am now trying to save enough money to move to Florida where a true friend is willing to help me as much as they can once I get down there. Oh! The best part is, because not only was he binge drinking, he stole my pain meds and now the doctor has cut all my pain meds in half! Nothing like punishing the victim! Smh. Which sadly, has now made me even more disabled and get about 3 hours a day, on a good day, to function. Since boiling water to bathe or do dishes takes literally hours, that's about all I get done--- and I have to decide do I bathe or do dishes because without my normal dosage of meds, I can't do both. Again, such fun!! I have until the third week of October to come up with enough money to pay movers, rent a mini-van so I can get me and my fur-babies down there, and so far, I only have about $1,000 saved. Not enough money to even rent the car to get there, not to mention the $6-8k I'll need for the movers! To say our system is broke is an understatement.
I would love to try to make some money on line but am clueless about equipment (not that i could afford it), the editing, monetizing, and the list goes on and on. Maybe you can give a beginners class for the disabled community so we might be able to at least try to do this? Sorry for all the venting, it's just so frustrating to go from someone who made good money, supported herself, to now going to food pantries and gathering the few things there I am actually allowed to eat. It's already sinking into the 3p's here at night and since my chimney fell off the roof last spring, I can't even use my woodstove! Harrumph....
So thank you for venting all our frustrations and doing it all with that gorgeous smile of yours! Congrats on your anniversary and I'm sooooo happy that things have finally worked out for you. You give us hope....thank you. Love and Blessings, Grannie Annie from Maine
Try making a GoFundMe or just opening a PayPal account and sharing your story. I know it's "charity" but I think people would like to help.
I'm late to the conversation here but I would love to financially contribute! You are essentially off grid homesteading with a disabling condition; no fun!
How are you doing now?
You and your wife are the cutest couple ive ever seen and what song did you use in the little montage at the beginning and i love your wedding photos
Edit: thank you sooo much for almost 500 likes dysphoria is really getting really bad and this has made my day
It’s called you set my world on fire by loving caliber
You Set my World On Fire - Loving Caliber
@@ScarletBloodDoll ty
@@naomiyokoi9248 such a good song
Watching this video gives me even more respect for my mother, she physically disabled, both brothers autistic, and me mentally ill. The government makes me rage daily
I swear to god listening to her talking about her life makes me believe in soulmates
Me and my partner have to live apart for these very reasons 😢
I'm so happy for you, not having to feel like a financial burden anymore!
I adore your videos and thank you for all the talks about disability and other tough subjects. 💐
I was on ESA for about 2 years and the fear of the government randomly cutting me off at any moment, for any bullshit reason they could make up, was horrifying. I'm glad youtube has blessed you with all the ad money now! Treat yoself to them socks
I work for my country’s welfare office and it is honestly awful sometimes knowing everything about a person’s situation but being unable to help them. The base rate of all of our payments have barely increased in years, and there is a huge push to increase them right now... that the government is ignoring in favor of reintroducing drug testing for welfare receivers. 🤬
Thank you so much for this video. Honestly it is hard sometimes to remain free from the welfare agency mindset. You help. ❤️
You in Australia?
Drug testing for welfare receivers?
"Yeah, I need to take, like, three different pills and medications a day. Where do you want my piss?"
I needed this. I needed to know it wasn't just me. I've just had this happen to me and my partner in Australia and the address is caused on-top of being in pain every second and going to hospital. He cannot afford to support us both, and I'm now given $0.
I admire how brave you are to talk about these issues when you say the topics are hard, but I'm so glad you did because people need to hear what it's like.
Ah, a fellow gay who’s pissed at the government. I stan 🌈
*high five* fuck capitalism!
I'd like your post, but it's at a perfect 200 and i cannot in good conscience disrupt that.
.... Is this not just a human thing? What's being a "gay" Got to do with it? She's not a gay btw. She's a person.
ZzechozZ TM as another fellow gay, I love being referred to as a gay. I would like to think it’s implied that I’m already a person, lol. Why so salty?
There's a lot of homophobia in my school so I don't feel very safe there but your channel just makes me feel safe and comfortable in myself ily both so much!! ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜🏳️🌈
You are loved and safe here my dear 🤗
@@jessicaoutofthecloset thank you!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so happy now 😄😄💖💖💖
You are so amazing and I am so overjoyed that you replied to me! I'm so happy I dont know how to explain how happy I am I just feel so safe now! ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖
@@fredridiculous Im sad your school doesn't feel like a safe space. As a teacher, I want to assure you that you are valuable and enough, just the way you are.
@@curiousfirely thank you!!!! I'm glad that nice teachers like you care about who people are!
3:09 Glad I'm not the only person who IDOLIZES Lucy Worsley :0)
Same!
Ditto
Lucy Worsley is the best!
SAME!!!! :D
I love Lucy, oh that's awkward... anyway I was watching her and my older daughter sat and watched one of her shows with me and is now a fan, she also thinks she's hot. I merely find her adorable, but I'm, how did my daughter put it? Oh yes, hetero af. lol
This also applies in Australia to an extent if one partner is out of work, you're expected that it's your job to somehow supplement their living expenses just because you're living together and of course you live together to save money to begin with but one person is left paying for all the food, all the transport, so the other can go to those interviews (only to be told after years of being sent to unsuitable job trials that "you should be on disability"... Like they didn't know he had a condition to begin with? Thankfully after a period of horrible depression, and a few horrible jobs, he found a job that helps rather than hurts) and what if both partners are unemployed and you're meant to live on reduced benefits even though welfare hasn't been increased since 1980? The thought of medical costs on top of that (partner, grew up poor, avoids going to the doctor at all even when he's sick so I paid for that too so he could get help, not that anything did) is shocking.
I am also a disabled Australian, and I live with my son and his gf, both autistic, but his gf " technically " lives with her brother. We were drowning in debt and rent that we couldn't pay until she " moved out".
This is a very interesting topic I’ve never really thought about it but it’s true the government treats people who have a disability as someone’s burden instead of individuals who want to have agency in their own lives.
Financial independence is a huge factor in that.
I love Lucy Worsley too! And I would love to see you do a documentary or something!
I would love to see them do a documentary together!
I love her too. I would love to see the together
I’ve watched every single Lucy worsley documentary I could get my hands on she is a delight and I’d be SO EXCITED if you had a gig like her!
I suffer from major depression. And when I lived with my parents, even though I had a job and was over 18, I was allowed to have medical expenses covered through my mom. As soon as I moved out, everything changed. Even though my financial situation and gotten worse, the government decided I made 1k more yearly than their assistance allowed! So I lost paid therapy, I lost paid medicine (that's insanely expensive my gosh), and had to start scouring the internet for help.
Its ridiculous how much the government and big businesses act like they care about people with any type of illness, but then boot them off the second they make $1 more or in your case, be with someone they love.
And to add, the last two minutes or so made me cry because I can see my partner struggling to be their own independent person. And you talking about that and saying you are so grateful that you can do that now, it just made me so emotional. I'm so happy you found your Claudia and that your channel has taken off!
This means a lot to me. I am often terrified that no one will ever love me because I will always be a burden.
Not to mention the fact that every year I need to send the government paperwork saying that yes, I am still autistic, as it's not listed as a permanent disability, so I can't even relax and know that the benefits I have now won't suddenly be yoinked away.
That really sucks!!!! The government need to do better..
I’m a MASSIVE Lucy Worsely fan. She’s amazing!!!
My face lit up when you mentioned Lucy. I watch anything she's involved with and am frequently jealous of her opportunity to try on period clothes.
Flash back to when my free school meals got cut off because my nan got a 25p pension increase-
Guess who straight up didn't eat at school!
:-0
Omg, same. This happened to me my 8th grade year, gezz people would straight up yell at me for not eating and they wouldn't understand why, I know how you feel my dude.
Oh my god same. I just adapted to being on the edge of starvation a lot? Because we didn't have food at home a lot of the time and I couldn't eat at school so I got a job when I was sixteen and everything got worse.
Yeah, my free school meals got taken away after my single mum (and full time carer of 1 of my autistic brothers) got a part time job to try and make ends meet.. I went through all of high school and sixth form on £10 a week. From 2007 to 2014. That money was both my lunch money and my allowance for the week. Safe to say I didn't each much in school.
I'd wondered how getting married had impacted your disability money and as soon as I saw the title I had the (unfortunate) answer. Congrats on (eventually) making your own money by doing what you love!
I've been chronically ill for over a year and unable to work until recently (very part time) and have had to rely on my retired parents' limited fixed income. The guilt and pressure and shame from being financially dependent on someone else can be so intense it can contribute to one's illness. It's even harder to feel well when you have money worries.
Also, I'm American and while I imagine our system is even worse here than the UK, I'm shocked at how bad it is there. 😠😢 I'm sorry you've had to go through all this BS with the government.
And can't end this comment without first fan-girling over how smart, funny, sweet and beautiful you and Claudia are, both individually and as a couple. 😊💜🌈
and this is literally why there needs to be more representation in government (or at the very bare minimum that ppl think about perspectives other than their own). its painfully obvious in so many places (im from the US) they imagine that everyone lives just like they do and demonize anybody who doesnt ..ugh im so glad youre happy and living your best life! your love for each other btw is so freakin adorable!
Their smiles when they look at each other 😭😭😭
Edit: also those are some of the most beautiful wedding pictures I’ve ever seen
Fun fact, when first applying for Disability Allowance, I was on a type of supplemental welfare as I couldn't sign up to the regular one since it required you say you are fit for work.
I still had to go to the doctor and get medication though, so applied for medical benifits as well, with a letter from my doctor and a social worker.
I was refused on the grounds that I was below the poverty line, literally "you earn too little to qualify for services", they suspected I was being supported elsewhere.
I have found many, many loopholes and grey areas.
We have a similar shit in Germany. If you are a student, you could qualify for a housing supplement, but only if you are over a certain minimum income. Because otherwise, they assume you're lying.
But as a disabled/chronically ill student who already struggles with managing their studies, you are hard pressed to work enough to earn that kind of money.
If you are under this income threshold, you're supposed to apply for welfare.
But to apply for welfare you must be available to the job market and if you're a full-time student, you are, by definition, not available for work.
So the only way out of this is to quit your studies and sit at home collecting welfare until you magically find somebody who hires your disabled, degree-less ass.
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY I LOVE U BOTH IM SO MAD AT CAPITALISM BUT I LOVE LESBIANISM
Very good comment
yes, very good comment
What system would you propose instead of capitalism?
I don't think lesbianism is a thing...
Yes, I agree, but neither is ain't, and the thousand words Shakespeare invented weren't immediately. Language changes over time. I hear "omae wae sherindu" a lot, but that wouldn't have existed in the English language in 1919.
I know this is late but I want to get something different out there,
My mother and father are married except my dad is disabled, partly because of past accidents and purely because of old age. Been in numerous hospitals in a span of years and different medical problems occur. It's one of the cases where the wife is much younger than the husband (Not anything weird I assure you) and because of that. Not only must my mom provide for him and me with the only one with a job (A low one at that, because English isn't her native language) she must also deal with her job's, my dad's, and mine's responsibilities (Bills, driving to places, cooking, financial aid at my school, etc). She somehow acts almost as a full time carer to him (Possibly because she used to be a part time nurse), changing diapers, helping him walk, translates (He can basically only speak Chinese), and much more. To this day I'm surprised at how she deals with these types of things even when it seems the whole world is out to get her. There's more she must go through but this comment wouldn't have the space for it. Luckily she somehow can and she's been able to, although I regret and still sometimes do take for granted what she goes through and what she does/accomplishes, and I know I certainly am not making it better... Thank you mom, for everything...
Jiang Ping Jiang your mom is incredible ❤️
“Spoiler alert, I’m still alive!” Hahaha love you Jessica 😂
As someone who is disabled and on SSI i feel everything she said in my soul!
I live in the U.S and recently I got an opportunity to go to college (yay me! No more being dependent on abusive jerks just to survive!) I have also been trying to get Disability due to physical issues.. I recently found out that if you take MORE than 10 credit hours of college classes ON campus, Then the Dissability people figure you can also work full time and you will be denied/cutoff.
Ah yes because sitting in a classroom is exactly the same as doing physical work assuming you can even get hired somewhere in the first place....
This one hit me, Jessica. My boyfriend has had depression for many many many years. He had ESA for one year, around five years ago, but now he's on jobseekers and since he still has paralyzing social anxiety it's not exactly going well. I want to live with him, but I'm not able to afford it and can't see it happening for the next few years. I feel callous almost for saying I can't live with him. But we tried it before and he lost a job and I was left with less than 50 pounds a week to support him. I think with mental health it can be hard, he made so much progress in the last few years, but not enough to manage job interviews... so he's too healthy to be considered disabled, but still so far from getting a job.
This gave me all the feels. Thank you for addressing such important issues and we are more than happy to be helping you live the life you should and buy all your own socks 🥰
I was on ESA (I have severe bipolar disorder and a multitude of other mental 'illnesses'). The UK government decided that I was able to work and cut off my access to benefits, they decided that after sending me to an assessment and the 'doctor', who didn't even ask me anything about my illnesses or read the letters from both my GP and psychiatrist, decided that I wasn't 'sick' enough. Fun fact, I can go days or sometimes weeks without talking to a single person (part of my mental illnesses) and when I'm having a manic episode there is no way that I am in any position to hold down a job. The UK benefit system is not even fit for purpose in my opinion.
You rage so charmingly. It’s a proper cheery slow burn. Wish I could do that. I pop like a fire cracker.
I LOVE LUCY WORSLEY AND YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You would make a fabulous historical presenter!
As a disabled person in the U.S I wanted to say thank you for mentioning and for researching the flaws in the system. I am only able to go to school because the tuition is paid for but that could be taken away if I so much as date someone. Good thing I am alone! -self-deprecating laughtrr-
Okay but I died laughing at the “toiletries, which I go through quickly and you don’t need to know why” while furiously smiling.
If I met a woman like Claudia I would marry her in a heart beat - and I'm straight.
I also met Lucy Worsley and ask for her autograph - i was a gibbering wreck
we all need a claudia in our life honestly
just love when you talk about your wife, you're just full of joy (and you're an adorable couple)
I knew someone in college that couldn't get married until after she'd been through school because she would lose her financial aid. It was hard on her. I'm glad that you're more able to support yourself and each other now!
"I can buy socks whenever I want" real dream, real dreams.
What I think would be awesome would be if Jessica And Lucy Worsley did a documentary together, that would make my day!
It’s refreshing to see someone else who is as pissed off at Capitalism as me. Screw capitalism. ✊
Capitalism is evil
Shhhh don't say that the bootlickers will get really mad about having to work for freeloaders as if everyone that's struggling is a freeloader while praising the ridiculously wealthy because they really believe they'll get to be multi billionaires in this lifetime
My profile picture is enough to say how pissed off i am 😂
@@pixiebomb28 Yep but socialism is worse.
@ what exactly is socialism?
I am a Lucy Worsley fan her History of the Home series is what got me through the final few weeks of my first year of a business degree. This video was wonderful and glad to see more people finding out about the struggle of the Government, Love and Disability rights.
Thank you so much for another brilliant video. I was in a dependent relationship for 6 years and my ex totally financially (and physically) abused me. We were both on ESA and then she would sporadically get jobs and still expect me to be able to afford our rent and food out of the money. It's been two years now and I'm still paying back the rent from the place we lived in before she left. I'm now very worried about being a drain on my boyfriend when we move in together. Although he is a wonderful guy and has said it is no problem, I still never want to be a burden to him. I was litterally going to contact you and ask you about this very subject so I'm really grateful you made this video. It would be good to get Claudia's take on the matter too if she were ever up for making such a video. Thanks again xx
I first saw Lucy Worsley on the "Secrets of the Six Wives" BBC show. The show was great and she was terrific!
Thank you for addressing this. I am bipolar, have anxiety, PCOS, MS, and I’ve been trying for years to even get disability and now I can’t at all because you have to have not been working and I have to right now because my husband was deported, even though he was legal here and I have no one to support me and I’m constantly seeing doctors and I’ve been in the hospital and feeling like crap and trying to function enough to work in between and behind on all my bills constantly. It’s incredibly ridiculous. I’m glad you have someone that can take care of you and that you can be with the person you love with this screwed up system.
I used to live with a friend who had to stop working because of a health crisis. He had a couple of serious long term conditions, had been self employed so he could run his schedule around what he could manage, but one day woke up really ill & didn't improve for years. Once he started to get some of his strength back he wanted to work again, both for your his mental health & his self worth. He was lucky enough get a couple of offers that could accommodate the 16 hours a week maximum he could work without losing his disability living allowance. But the low wage meant he'd be substantially worse off working. It tore him up. Governments should be ashamed of how they treat folks who are less able to work. It's cruel, humiliating, & shows a shameful lack of empathy (or common sense, for that matter)