Racism & Preferences in the Gay Community | BoyFriends - Episode 31
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- čas přidán 5. 09. 2024
- Racism & Preferences in the Gay Community | A viewer asked us to touch on this topic and we obliged. What are the challenges when it comes to race in the gay community? How do we overcome them? We discuss our personal stories about how racism has affected us and how to navigate preferences as well.
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Hosts:
Jarrod D. King | @JarrodDKing
TikTok - / jarroddking
Sarun Chan | @sarun.nuras
Instagram - / sarun.nuras
Melvin Foreman | @melvin_foreman
Instagram - / melvin_foreman
Renee Montalvan | @renee_vanessa
Instagram - / renee_vanessa
Tony Purnell | @tonypurnelllightworker
Instagram - / tonypurnelllightworker
Music Credit: Like A Polaroid - Spazz Cardigan
#gay #race
I think there's a fine line between racism and preference and fetishizing. By all means have a preference but there is something very cringy about someone who says I don't or won't date a certain race. Maybe it comes down to wording but when I hear "I only date" I think fetish, "I usually date" = preference, "I don't/won't " = racism.
Oh and Renee there was a time when I couldn't be with black guys because I would only see my family members so I get it. Idk exactly how I got over it though 🤷🏾♂️😆
That wording resonates! Very succinctly and clearly put. Thanks so much for your input!
I know I'm a year late, but couldn't agree more.
Saaame
I love this comment. It is the truth. ❤
I disagree. If you say "I will not date women" does that make you sexist?
Everyone has a preference, as we are all shaped by our environment. Problems arise when 'preferences' become 'restrictions', because reasons for those restrictions are very often problematic.
Any reference to race in a preference becomes prejudice.. and no circumstance is a specific race a preference..... A preference is if you like pineapple on pizza
Im blk adopted into a wht family and have always had issues making blk friends because i dont fit most of their blk molds. Yet wht people have been mire accepting to me but its still a lonely place because i dont fit in in either groups
Random points: 1.Colorism exists in many countries and cultures, not just America. It's very prevalent in Indian and Thai cultures, for example. 2. At one point, Melvin was saying that dating another black person is easier because of a shared culture. However, broadly speaking that is only true if he's dating a black American. If he were to date a black person from, say, Nigeria, he will probably run into a number of cultural clashes. (I ran into culture clashes while living in England; common language & skin color don't necessarily make for common culture.) 3. Very happy to hear you discussing the distinction between fetish, preference, and being colorist (racist).
Hey, Renee: You are *gorgeous*!
So true...
I love my Philadelphia Black Gay men; we are some of the most traveled, experiences, and our opinions. I love Philadelphia Black Pride. I really enjoyed this show.
Lol that beginning was really cute. You all are adorable. I'm white and I don't judge.My husband is Asian. 14 years going strong.
Personally, it is not so much about COLOUR as it is about being ETHNIC looking, here in the US anyway. In fact, as a gay ethnic-looking man, this is a HUGE silent issue in the US .Unfortunately when anyone, such as myself, brings it up, we are put "in our place" and the truth just swept under the rug with excuses like "we are just born liking what we like," or "stop playing the race card," or we are called hypocrites if we somehow reject men who don't fit what we look for and it happens to be someone of colour.
It is an issue that will never truly be solved and definitely not in my lifetime. In the US we have gotten past gay male issues altogether. Advocates have moved on to the next best thing such as transgender and nonbinary issues. People like me, no longer NEED movies or shows or anything because it has all "been done." Leaves me sad because, and I speak for myself on this, all that ethnic looking guys like me really want is simple, long lasting love too. To be wanted/looked at as more than just a fetish (prefer not to be a fetish at all) and not be marginalized by our own lgbt people. I would love to see a gay ethnic looking man be more than just a flamboyant side character, or be an athlete, as I am and show a side that isn't all stereotypical.
Being alone, being unloved, being unwanted, is not something that SHOULD HAVE to be coped with when the problem could be solved. I shouldn't be the one being told to go see a therapist to get "OVER" these issues because it isn't just a me problem. But it is what it is and unfortunately, it is a reason so many of us either stay in the closet, or become statistics. In the end NO ONE of importance cares enough to speak up. 274 in 2 months....show how little anyone cares. But be a hot white gay dude OR straight dude acting like a straight up sissy boy and prancing around and you will easily get 1 million views in days. Proof is in the pudding. Good luck.
What if they are born liking what they like? Gay men of all people should understand this
I would love to be on this podcast lol you guys are so down to earth
Lol thanks! So happy you enjoy us. ❤️
This is better than The View !!! 🔥🔥🔥
I don’t think Tony meant to hurt your feelings maybe he was ignorant to that being a sensitive area for you. Honestly you do give off the vibe….like maybe you grew up in white or majority white spaces and that’s ok. It is who you are and it does not make you less black. I’m a dark brow skin guy with a “white name” so growing up around mostly black people I got called “white boy” all the time. No I don’t look white .. not mixed .. not light skin or anything i know tons of regular black people that were called white because of how they spoke or them
Being smart .Kids were and still are ignorant 😂
Oh Lawd. I know I'm going to need a Dramamine, before watching this. I have a feeling this episode, *is going to go there* !
lmao, it does! 😬
Preferences are shape by the environment, media and influences. People all have their preferences. However racism is racism, everybody has to do their homework to overcome this BS. Not always easy. For the rest, nobody is supposed to taste all the rainbow. Having 1 only partner and rejecting everybody else has to be an acceptable option too.
so is being gay shaped by the environment, media and influences or were you just born that way?
@@alastairtheduke Yes it is. Gay is a way to go through homosexuality shaped by different struggle in the 60-70's. There are many other ways to be an homosexual.
Nobody is overcoming this. It would be nice if people could just admit that life isn’t fair and people of lighter skin races will always be treated better/ have an easier life than people of darker skin races. Anything outside of that is just conjecture and cope.
That’s one thing that I’ve realized about these conversations. We never have honest conversations about the colorism.
@@dawsonsdiaryBecause that would mean unpacking thousands of years of history that isn't that well understood in first place in certain parts of the world. In the Americas slavery is without a doubt the root of racism and colorism here. However in the Middle East, Africa, and Asia the conversation is much more complicated and hard to answer mostly because it's not clear where it first originated from.
@@Not-Ap It’s not that hard to understand and most people do get it, they just like to pretend they don’t get it. It stems from anti blackness and pro whiteness.
@dawsonsdiary In the Western World that maybe the case. But you can't lump the entire world under that cause alone. There's alot of other cultural factors involved that have nothing at all to do Blacks, Native Africans, or Whites. Alot of it is rooted in good old fashioned classism that with the edition of different races/ethnicities became more complicated.
Even among whyts there’s preferences and rejection so it’s not perfect either. Some are completely not attracted to overweight bearish types, skinny ,feminine or older. Plus the ones considered ideal or put on a pedestal which is young, good looking and whyt has a short shelf life because they’ll get older and lose most of the attention they once enjoyed. So yeah the world isn’t fair for most.
I was raised most my life around Mexicans, and I find Mexicans so attractive. It's what I'm familiar with. From their music, their food, and just how things are done in their house-hold. It's weird as a black man that I'm more familiar with their culture than my own, but I also receive more "hate", or push for how I live/do things from Black people, or I'm told "you're not black enough" or "give me your black card". Obviously I'd be less inclined to date black people when I've dealt with more drama, issues, hate, and "dissonance" from the people who are the same exact color as me, but that's not to say I go into every convo on Grindr with a "You probably don't fuck with me" attitude, I'm just not interested, and tbh, that is Not my fault. It's just how my brain is wired. If a group of people whip an animal enough times, it'll grow to understand that the group is not good for them, and harbour strong thoughts...
In this country among blacks the issue is “color struck” (a term from my era in the 1950’s). This originated in slavery because white masters cohabitated with black females. Light skinned slaves worked in the house and darker skinned blacks worked in the fields. Thus light skinned blacks were made to feel they were better.
that TOINE moment @15:30 men on film etc... from in livin color had me rollin!!!!!
damnnnn i really really wish everyone could have been present :( tony and suron's thoughts would have been super interesting!
Exactly. Perhaps a guest host or two from, "Boys & Brunch" could have stopped in. That would make for a great panel.
Just let the heart lead your love life, or choose to stay in your lane.
People have the power we give them, of black guys stopped idolising random white guys, things would be different. As a black gay male the only time my skin colour was a problem was with black men
Excellent conversation
Thank you! ❤️
When it comes to attraction, I think that racial preference is the same as sexual preference. We don’t know why we have the preference but we do. You don’t tell a gay man that he is a misogynist when he says he won’t date a woman, so why would you call him racist if he says he won’t date X or Y race. He knows what he likes and doesn’t feel the need to try other things. Personally I think this sort of guy is a bit too rigid and they might be missing out on some good stuff… but I don’t resort to assuming racism because of a strict preference. Myself I have preferences for South American and Mediterranean guys, but I am not that rigid and will consider others… there are hot guys from everywhere, so I am open to them too. But when I go into a club, my eyes will always go to my preference first… just the way it is. One thing I don’t like is how guys put their preference on Grindr as usually it just comes across as nasty, arrogant and unnecessary. Why would you want to hurt other people’s feelings for no good reason? I tend to block anyone that put things like “no fats, no fems, no Asians, must be 8+ etc”. These guys are just knobs.
The perpetual hr voice, tasteless classist joke, and endless excuses as to why she can’t make black friends/date black is just a lil off putting for me lol idk maybe sis is genuine but I’m trying to find it 😂
If that's her authentic voice and you have an issue with it do you honestly think you would give nice energy if you met her? Or would you judge assume and critique the whole time? Can you see yourself being friends with her? Probably not given the attitude about her authentic voice lol the friends she said she tried and wasn't accepted probably because her voice for one lol
I was legit looking for this comment. She's definitely full of it. And the BS eventually got under my skin.
DL is very much a thing, and in many places is almost necessary, and I suspect that includes many places in the U.S.
24:19 and the truth finally gets revealed as to why no black friends throughout her youth growing up in LA with plenty of black kids around.
I alway said that most of the hate and racist remarks about the lgb, come from inside the house.
Please Note" there's only one Race, the Human Race! ✌🏽
Seems like you're scapegoating Tony for the way people in general perceive you. Whether true or not, you give off that vibe. Tony didn't invent that characterization or even really push it. Doing the most over a comment nobody else thought twice about.
Comments like this are straight gaslighting and do not have any positive effect. The comment had no place and didn’t need to be said and Jarrod was hurt by it. No need to tell him how to feel.
Doesn’t matter if nobody else thought twice about it, the comment wasn’t about them. Who are you to say what “vibe” he gives off to everyone else? Tony’s comment was steeped in a narrow perception of Blackness that’s harmful and ignorant and Jarrod has every right to call him out on it.
@@ReelDreamer Nobody on the panel invalidated his blackness, they just made assumptions about his friend group. the reason I said it is because I have gotten the same perception before, being from the burbs and going to a PWI. Instead of blaming individuals/friends for a community-wide perception I made the conscious effort to make it untrue. Besides the fact that hanging out with white people isn't some huge insult to one's own blackness. He was so upset and acting like there isn't a direct advantage in society/the workplace for such a perception as well. Overall... extra
@@puthica2060 who says its a "community wide" perception? Coming from the suburbs and going to a PWI are indicators of what, exactly? The problem isn't him, the problem is people making baseless assumptions ABOUT HIM based on what they know of his friend group - it's idiotic and he doesn't have to jump through hoops to prove anything to anyone. You said people had the same idea about you and you "made the conscious effort to make it untrue" which makes no sense unless what they thought about you was true in the first place. You don't make sense.
@@ReelDreamer they thought my circle was overtly white so I made sure to make friends of all races and display them just as much if not more so than my other friends. Going to a PWI and being raised in the suburbs indicates that you were raised around palm colored people, and are likely unconsciously more comfortable with them. Or even just that they were the only options around. Regardless diversifying one's circle is never a bad thing. And being associated with white people also isn't a bad thing. Not like tony called him a pedo or something, get a grip.
My parents brought us up in a culturally integrated neighborhood specifically because they wanted me and my sibling to interact with all different types and colors of people and they wanted to foster tolerance and acceptance in us. My oldest brother who is 50 said that when he lived in NY and was young in the 90's and early 2000's black brown and white gay men always came together as one under the umbrella of being Gay men. He said if you went to the clubs all colors partied together, dated one another, and had fun together.. He also said back then there was only one gay pride event that EVERYONE went to. There was no such thing as a white gay pride and a separate black pride. For me at 30... living in NY for the last 13 or so years... I see a lot of segregation in the gay community between black and white men.. Black men have their own parties, events, pride parties and basically dont really want have anything to do with white men (or Asians or latinos), dont want to give them the time of day, date them, or even have friendships with them. There is no more unity in the gay community amongst men (of every color) Its like they want their own gay community based on color which is ridiculous because we are all gay, we all have the same struggles and have to fight for the same respect and equality no matter our color..
So i find it sad that the black-based part of the community feels compelled to isolate from the rest of the community. For the times I have attempted to connect with black guys in the community whether it be for friendship or "something more" most of the time their universal response after they look you up and down is "i don't think so". This happens very often with My Asian and Latino friends as well! Its sad that we as a community have come to this point... I don't think white, Asian, or Latino men show racist tendencies towards black men, because being a minority ourselves (just by being gay) common sense would tell you that would be a hypocritical way to go through life. i understand in general black men experience racism in everyday society but in the gay community they should know that they are loved, wanted, accepted, and revered no matter what... So i don't understand their need to branch off from every other color of the rainbow and being blatantly nasty about their lack of interest in anyone else but someone who is the same color they are. its not about fetishizing or oversexualizing. Those are just words that are used in place of the actual word that demonstrates whats going on in our community... Prejudice ! The one place all these tropes should not exist is in LGBTQ community!
I didn’t hear much talk about racism. More criticism of the black communities reaction to their preferences.
Then when the guy had a story of real racism and he wasn’t comfortable sharing lol
Is the guy on the right single?
53:26 White teacher: “You probably don’t know your father”
That’s straight out of everybody hates Chris 😅😅😅
This is bigger than Tony.
ironic the black dude screaming racism is in platinum blonde over processed hair with a white queer voice.
White queer voice or authentic voice as a black man who happens to be queer. The issue is this belief that all black folks sound the same some literally come out sounding like this it's not like people out here practicing lol
This is the type of content that the internet needs more of. Real conversations about real issues.
Thank you! 😊
Some white people prefer to date black people. I think preferences are just that. We can't help who we are attracted to.
@stocks-hz1hu We like who we like. Praise it all!😂
There is only one race, the human race. Ethnicity and race are not synonyms, they mean different things. To say race in place of ethnicity is to present people of different ethnicities as different species, we are one species. Pro eugenics commentators and racist people weaponise the term ‘race’ to infer people who are black, jewish etc are a separate species. We need to be mindful of using the word ‘race’ to describe ethnicity.
Human is not a race, it's a species. America created the concept of race. That's not our fault. You should blame the founding slaveowning fathers for that.
Hearing this complaining further divides me from their community.